- Joined
- Aug 21, 2013
Can't forget the Batty stories.
Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.
- Thread starter Judge Holden
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- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
I could tell you the time he rigged a poll for a forum he was a mod on in favor of getting what he wanted like DSP. I held on to it since it was a bit less interesting than some of his other stuff.
Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Part X: I Fail at Tutorials
Part XI: Da Bubble King: Benito in Action
Part XII: His Parents Have Given up on Him
Part XIII: Destroyed Five Toilets... Almost too Many to Count
Part XIV: At Least You Aren't Benito
Part XV: Want Woman
Part XVI: Benito's YT
Part XVII: OM NOM NOM
Part XVIII: Grey Matter
So Benito was once one of many mods for this forum that at best had maybe a dozen or two dozen people on at a time. The site was originally some little art/video game forum that sprung up on the Invisionboards a good while back, and he was part of the original gang. This group was rather small and reclusive originally, with maybe about 50 members at most, and few on all at once.
This place also had a couple of people who would eventually become Youtubers who was a medium hit in the 2008-2010 era of the site. One of them even managed to make it on the old Retsupurae list, and I mean the real one, since his camera LPs were notoriously hard to watch. Regardless, both had a viewership in the thousands, and when one of them referenced this site, a new wave of forum goers (including myself) went there. This crop mostly gelled well with the group, especially after many of them left when they realized the youtuber didn't hang on that site. However, they did have some different values than the old guard; namely they were not entirely averse to shitposting and holding debates (I may have been a member of this faction).
This was a big no-no on the board, since the old guard, especially the site owner and Benito, downright were terrified of both doing their jobs as mods and were thin-skinned as all hell. They did not want people disagreeing with them and they really were abjectly terrified of trolls, despite wielding the powerful banhammer. Yes, Benito and his joyboy the site owner (let's call him Jeff, who is a minor cow in and of himself), are so cowardly that despite having the ability to ban people, they would shit themselves when faced with weens and shitposters.
Despite this, a lot of the new blood wanted to have a debate forum; so many in fact that some of the old guard actually pushed for it as well, since they saw how many of the active posters wanted it. So after some bitching and arguing, a poll was held over the course of a week which would determine whether or not this site would get that debate forum.
The voting was actually somewhat close, but it was pretty clear that the ayes were winning; something like 55-60% were for it. Then, about 18 hours before the vote would close, about five or six people all voted for no, within the span of minutes. An hour later, Benito closed the poll, and smugly remarked that the issue was closed. Problem was is that while fucking autistic the forumbase was, they as a whole were still smarter than Benito.
It was pretty suspicious that within the span of a day, six members (which was a decent block mind you), many of which were not active for years or brand new, would all simultaneously beeline towards the poll, vote, and then leave. Then add that to how quickly Benito closed the poll. Combine this with a confession a day or two later, and blood was in the water. The userbase actually rioted, to the point where joyboy or not, Benito had to be slapped on the wrist for blatantly rigging the poll. This and a minor purging of the most outspoken of the new crowd would lead to the site's decline, and eventual annihilation by a
.Which leads to a bit of a post-credit stinger; when the
managed to hijack and completely purge the site of members, thus basically causing it to die, Benito actually broke down and sobbed, which was more of a reaction than any other time ever; including when his dogs ran away or when his grandma died.
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2014
Another story about N
A while ago I posted about N and his misadventures of being the side dish of an incest relationship but today you will find out he fought the law and the law won.
Eight years ago I was a very active yugioh player as was N. We would travel to events around the country as well as national competitions. N being himself always had to come off as the alpha male despite being the combined weight of a pod of sperm whales. His constant brags of his gaming prowess often irked the other players and watching him fail was spectacular. If he wasn't king of games he was king of Warcraft or Halo.
He was rather vocal online about the hosts of the local yugioh event often berating them on the UK based forum. A few months after he posted a rather scathing message about the TO he was pulled about it at an event by the organiser because they had only just found out about it. I was at a card shop when it all kicked off so what I'm writing is what I remembered after everyone I knew started bombarding me with texts.
The exchange of words apparently got rather heated and ended when N decided to slap the the guy running the event. Turns out during the argument N was banned from future events and that's when he hit the guy. Now the dumb ass decided to do that in a room packed with witnesses inside a busy hotel.
After he hit the guy he decided to run to the local train station with the hotel security guard hot in pursuit in what I can only imagine looked like something from Benny Hill. Just as he got there he was caught by the security guard, dragged back to the hotel into the awaiting arms of two police officers.
When I arrive at the event I find out he is still at the police station and I immediately tell all of our mutual friends who didn't play and needless to say his family found out before he could tell them himself. I decided later to meet him at the station to get his version which matched what people had already told me minus the foot pursuit.
He did the walk of shame home to his parents who tore him a new sphincter and had to tell his employer about a possible conviction. He escaped with a caution but was never seen again by many of the yugioh players. Needless to say the alpha male attitude kinda died that day much to our relief.
A while ago I posted about N and his misadventures of being the side dish of an incest relationship but today you will find out he fought the law and the law won.
Eight years ago I was a very active yugioh player as was N. We would travel to events around the country as well as national competitions. N being himself always had to come off as the alpha male despite being the combined weight of a pod of sperm whales. His constant brags of his gaming prowess often irked the other players and watching him fail was spectacular. If he wasn't king of games he was king of Warcraft or Halo.
He was rather vocal online about the hosts of the local yugioh event often berating them on the UK based forum. A few months after he posted a rather scathing message about the TO he was pulled about it at an event by the organiser because they had only just found out about it. I was at a card shop when it all kicked off so what I'm writing is what I remembered after everyone I knew started bombarding me with texts.
The exchange of words apparently got rather heated and ended when N decided to slap the the guy running the event. Turns out during the argument N was banned from future events and that's when he hit the guy. Now the dumb ass decided to do that in a room packed with witnesses inside a busy hotel.
After he hit the guy he decided to run to the local train station with the hotel security guard hot in pursuit in what I can only imagine looked like something from Benny Hill. Just as he got there he was caught by the security guard, dragged back to the hotel into the awaiting arms of two police officers.
When I arrive at the event I find out he is still at the police station and I immediately tell all of our mutual friends who didn't play and needless to say his family found out before he could tell them himself. I decided later to meet him at the station to get his version which matched what people had already told me minus the foot pursuit.
He did the walk of shame home to his parents who tore him a new sphincter and had to tell his employer about a possible conviction. He escaped with a caution but was never seen again by many of the yugioh players. Needless to say the alpha male attitude kinda died that day much to our relief.
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2017
My High School was a cattle ranch for lolcows, and mentally unstable people in general. Off the top of my head I'm aware of like 20 lulzy or just downright bizarre individuals.
One individual that sticks out quite prominently to me however is a 'kid' I called the Pony Man. He was about 6 and a half feet tall and was this gaunt figure. He had a My Little Pony backpack, a Rainbow Dash hoodie, My Little Pony headphones, and a binder plastered with creepypasta ponies and Five Nights at Freddy's characters. I also believe he had a Dora backpack as well. Though he also lived with this creepy old lady in a trailer park right next to the high school. Basically everyone who worked in retail saw them, and they said they would stand or hang around stores for hours, as they didn't own a car. A friend actually told me that the lady threw stuff around stores and returned pop bottles filled with piss. She also said that the Pony Man's parents were brother and sister. Although he has long since dropped out or graduated, I still see him and the old woman wandering around.
One individual that sticks out quite prominently to me however is a 'kid' I called the Pony Man. He was about 6 and a half feet tall and was this gaunt figure. He had a My Little Pony backpack, a Rainbow Dash hoodie, My Little Pony headphones, and a binder plastered with creepypasta ponies and Five Nights at Freddy's characters. I also believe he had a Dora backpack as well. Though he also lived with this creepy old lady in a trailer park right next to the high school. Basically everyone who worked in retail saw them, and they said they would stand or hang around stores for hours, as they didn't own a car. A friend actually told me that the lady threw stuff around stores and returned pop bottles filled with piss. She also said that the Pony Man's parents were brother and sister. Although he has long since dropped out or graduated, I still see him and the old woman wandering around.
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2014
I just remembered someone I knew back in high school who had some cow behaviors. I can't remember his name for the life of me, so I'll just call him Jacob.
I don't remember how I met Jacob. He just started showing up at the lunch table my friends and I typically sat at. Every day Jacob wore the exact same outfit thing, an ill-fitting leather jacket over a plain t-shirt that I suspected was originally white but had become tinged slightly brown by what I can only assume was years of old grease. He also had glasses that were slightly too big for his face and always wore his hair in a ponytail. He looked like a grade-a douche and acted like one too.
Most days Jacob would want to forcibly subject us to his "stand-up routine". Said routine consisted entirely of him reciting Nostalgia Critic videos verbatim. This fucker had memorized the entirety of the NC video on the Jim Carrey Grinch movie. If you think watching the NC is painful try imagining it as a spoken word poem recited by a greasy autist. Repeatedly. On rare off days he would sperg about pro wrestling or Guns N' Roses instead, which nobody else cared about.
The guy was also had a weird violent streak. He smacked me in the face with that jacket of his once, apparently because I had somehow indirectly insulted his dead mother. I have no idea how or why though.
Eventually he got himself suspended from school. Allegedly he grabbed the boobs of one of the only two girls in the friend group, although I wasn't there to witness it myself. After that we all came to a silent agreement to shun him after he came back. Last I saw of him he was in a computer course working on some kind of project where he just sperged about Ultimate Warrior or something.
I don't remember how I met Jacob. He just started showing up at the lunch table my friends and I typically sat at. Every day Jacob wore the exact same outfit thing, an ill-fitting leather jacket over a plain t-shirt that I suspected was originally white but had become tinged slightly brown by what I can only assume was years of old grease. He also had glasses that were slightly too big for his face and always wore his hair in a ponytail. He looked like a grade-a douche and acted like one too.
Most days Jacob would want to forcibly subject us to his "stand-up routine". Said routine consisted entirely of him reciting Nostalgia Critic videos verbatim. This fucker had memorized the entirety of the NC video on the Jim Carrey Grinch movie. If you think watching the NC is painful try imagining it as a spoken word poem recited by a greasy autist. Repeatedly. On rare off days he would sperg about pro wrestling or Guns N' Roses instead, which nobody else cared about.
The guy was also had a weird violent streak. He smacked me in the face with that jacket of his once, apparently because I had somehow indirectly insulted his dead mother. I have no idea how or why though.
Eventually he got himself suspended from school. Allegedly he grabbed the boobs of one of the only two girls in the friend group, although I wasn't there to witness it myself. After that we all came to a silent agreement to shun him after he came back. Last I saw of him he was in a computer course working on some kind of project where he just sperged about Ultimate Warrior or something.
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- Joined
- Jun 13, 2016
Not sure where to put this, because he's not a current lolcow by any means, and I'm not sure how old the sagas have to be to make him historical, but I thought it was hilarious at the time.
Amir Massoud Tofangsazan.
http://amirtofangsazan.blogspot.co.uk/2006/05/jump-to-amirs-leg-zone-visit.html
A resident of Barnet, north London, he sold a broken laptop on eBay to someone called Tom Sawyer. The laptop was described as being in working condition and had no charger because "his ex employee" had run off with it. Amir himself was claiming to be some rich business bloke but was, in fact, a chicken shop staffer.
Anyhow. After he took the buyer's money and ran, the buyer opened up the laptop and salvaged the hard drive only to find that it wasn't wiped! And that Amir had some, shall we say, unusual proclivities, such as:
- Taking creepshots of womens' legs on the tube.
- Taking nudes of his mates for later fapping.
- Foot fetish pr0n
- Attempting to fraudulently alter his passport for unspecified reasons.
- Multiple, obviously lie-filled, CVs
- And more!
Anyhow, the buyer put a revenge blog up exposing this fraud upon where Amir found it, lost his shit, and made numerous socks attempting to defame the author of the blog as a "peodofile" (sic) and threatening lolsuits.
Where is he now? No idea, but I suspect he changed his name because anyone who googles him to this day finds out all about his hobbies of fraud, foot fetishism, and creepshots.
Ladies, if you see him, hide your nylons.
EDIT: He's in prison for conning women on online dating sites out of loads of money.
http://www.getwestlondon.co.uk/news...udster-jailed-posing-doctor-barrister-9383305
Amir Massoud Tofangsazan.
http://amirtofangsazan.blogspot.co.uk/2006/05/jump-to-amirs-leg-zone-visit.html
A resident of Barnet, north London, he sold a broken laptop on eBay to someone called Tom Sawyer. The laptop was described as being in working condition and had no charger because "his ex employee" had run off with it. Amir himself was claiming to be some rich business bloke but was, in fact, a chicken shop staffer.
Anyhow. After he took the buyer's money and ran, the buyer opened up the laptop and salvaged the hard drive only to find that it wasn't wiped! And that Amir had some, shall we say, unusual proclivities, such as:
- Taking creepshots of womens' legs on the tube.
- Taking nudes of his mates for later fapping.
- Foot fetish pr0n
- Attempting to fraudulently alter his passport for unspecified reasons.
- Multiple, obviously lie-filled, CVs
- And more!
Anyhow, the buyer put a revenge blog up exposing this fraud upon where Amir found it, lost his shit, and made numerous socks attempting to defame the author of the blog as a "peodofile" (sic) and threatening lolsuits.
Where is he now? No idea, but I suspect he changed his name because anyone who googles him to this day finds out all about his hobbies of fraud, foot fetishism, and creepshots.
Ladies, if you see him, hide your nylons.
EDIT: He's in prison for conning women on online dating sites out of loads of money.
http://www.getwestlondon.co.uk/news...udster-jailed-posing-doctor-barrister-9383305
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- Joined
- Dec 27, 2015
recently I've encountered an actual troon and potential cow in my extended social circle (an acquaintance of my missus, who is a lot more patient and kind-hearted than I am); a big lad into motorsports who suddenly and unexpectedly became genderspecial, so now he has a shaved head, problem glasses, black lipstick, wears dresses from charity shops and only puts minimal effort into passing
a pic comment from an old friend of his summed it up perfectly: "what"
his facebook is now full of activism and pseudo-socialist sperging that stands in stark contrast to the previous content (which is full of references to his birth name and comments like "happy birthday, big man!")
on the plus side, he has at least adopted a normal name (even if the nickname (Numi) is fictitious), he's got no connection to the rat king (yet), and at the moment his sperging appears to be confined to facebook
a pic comment from an old friend of his summed it up perfectly: "what"
his facebook is now full of activism and pseudo-socialist sperging that stands in stark contrast to the previous content (which is full of references to his birth name and comments like "happy birthday, big man!")
on the plus side, he has at least adopted a normal name (even if the nickname (Numi) is fictitious), he's got no connection to the rat king (yet), and at the moment his sperging appears to be confined to facebook
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2016
So you are now bessie mates with Greta, then.
I have a former school friend who I reconnected with last year on Facebook who was trans. I thought she was TRUE AND HONEST trans but when she and her girlfriend unfriended me conspicuously for posting things they disagreed with it seems she, or indeed they (the girlfriend is also trans), are in fact transtrending. To be fair, though, they both pass fairly well. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have criticised her art of a weirded out self portrait of herself riding a giant oestrogen molecule by saying it was missing a hydroxyl group and he'd only put single bonds on the bottom ring and as such it was actually testosterone...
I'd be interested to know how former school friend became trans. I have a horrible sinking feeling that he was egg-hatched by the girlfriend after meeting on Tumblr.
I just looked on her Tumblr. An old "eggmode" comic he produced pre-transness has appeared. Egg hatching confirmed.
Oh, and she got salty because a "r*df*m" followed her on Tumblr and wrote an angerpost calling them out. Surely threadworthiness beckons at some point.
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2017
Tehshigelisok
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2014
My mom was a special ed teacher for about 30 years and she got some real doozies.
One was a kid who, despite being only about seven, was already bigger than my mom, who's all of 5'1" and about 100 pounds. According to her, the first thing he did in class on his first day was throw himself on the floor and say to her, "I'm going to tell my dad that you hit me."
At the time, mom had a couple pet mice in the classroom. On their way out to recess, the kid proceeded to have another temper tantrum, which culminated in him opening the cage and CRUSHING BOTH OF THE MICE WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
One was a kid who, despite being only about seven, was already bigger than my mom, who's all of 5'1" and about 100 pounds. According to her, the first thing he did in class on his first day was throw himself on the floor and say to her, "I'm going to tell my dad that you hit me."
At the time, mom had a couple pet mice in the classroom. On their way out to recess, the kid proceeded to have another temper tantrum, which culminated in him opening the cage and CRUSHING BOTH OF THE MICE WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
I've offhandedly mentioned once or twice that Jeffrey was racist, but today it occurred to me that I never actually told any stories about that, even though I have a couple.
This one time when we were in 10th grade, for example, Jeffrey was in his cooking class and made some kind of racist joke to the people at his table. This one black kid at a different table overheard him and shouted over to him to shut the fuck up. Jeffrey, being the smartass edgelord that he is, was like, "uh-oh, the chimp's gonna rip my face off!" (this happened like a year after the Travis the chimp incident, which is what he was referencing). Black kid stands up and walks over to Jeffrey's table like he's gonna beat his ass. Jeffrey gets up, they stare each other down for a bit, and then Jeffrey makes a huge mistake and goes "go sit down, nigger." Black kid punches Jeffrey right in the mouth and he goes down and I could tell he was trying not to cry. Black kid got suspended for a week, and Jeffrey tried to get his mom to force the school to kick him out, but there were too many eyewitnesses, so they couldn't do shit, and she knew it.
And to add insult to injury, the trauma from the kid's punch caused both of Jeffrey's front teeth to abscess. He ended up with tooth necrosis and had to get them replaced with implants as a result. Oh and if anyone is wondering why the teacher didn't stop them, she was one of those apathetic teachers who didn't really care enough to do anything until Jeffrey got floored.
This one time when we were in 10th grade, for example, Jeffrey was in his cooking class and made some kind of racist joke to the people at his table. This one black kid at a different table overheard him and shouted over to him to shut the fuck up. Jeffrey, being the smartass edgelord that he is, was like, "uh-oh, the chimp's gonna rip my face off!" (this happened like a year after the Travis the chimp incident, which is what he was referencing). Black kid stands up and walks over to Jeffrey's table like he's gonna beat his ass. Jeffrey gets up, they stare each other down for a bit, and then Jeffrey makes a huge mistake and goes "go sit down, nigger." Black kid punches Jeffrey right in the mouth and he goes down and I could tell he was trying not to cry. Black kid got suspended for a week, and Jeffrey tried to get his mom to force the school to kick him out, but there were too many eyewitnesses, so they couldn't do shit, and she knew it.
And to add insult to injury, the trauma from the kid's punch caused both of Jeffrey's front teeth to abscess. He ended up with tooth necrosis and had to get them replaced with implants as a result. Oh and if anyone is wondering why the teacher didn't stop them, she was one of those apathetic teachers who didn't really care enough to do anything until Jeffrey got floored.
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2017
If I'm being honest, people who watch anime dubbed.
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
Or she wanted to watch the little shit get decked as much as everyone else.
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2017
Anyone who's a professional tard wrangler would have plenty of stories for this thread.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
He actually got hurt a few times in school as a result of being an obnoxious autistic sociopath (not nearly as many as he should have). One of the first stories I told about him was when he was chimping out in gym class and another kid pushed him onto his ass. The problem was that it never really did anything. He never put two and two together and thought "maybe I'm the problem." Instead, everyone else was "a bully," "an asshole," "couldn't take a joke," etc.
MysticMisty
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2013
I'm distinctly reminded of DocForbin to be honest.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
I don't follow him so I had to look him up. Jeffrey isn't like that, but I DID go to school with someone who WAS. He was part of my circle of friends mostly because nobody else liked him and we thought his sperging was funny enough to keep him around
- Joined
- Oct 1, 2013
It's obvious isn't it? Even I would have loved that if I were there.
- Joined
- May 18, 2014
I can't figure her Twitter account out. It's like 50% veganism and socialist crap like demanding free education/healthcare and 50% Donald Trump retweets and libertarian memes.
