Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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I'm running out of dudes to make fun of at this point, I have to keep checking back to see if I already wrote about everyone I want to talk about.

The Soptibuptis and Other Retarded Things
Greggor is a weird name so I'll use it for this weird kid (before you ask, he is not squirrel handed). He was always a bit weird and probably the biggest wuss I've ever known. He sold carrot sticks from his lunchbox for a nickel every day at recess, loudly like some sort of street orphan selling newspapers. Nobody ever bought his nickel carrot sticks but he tried damnit, even if he should have given up.

This of course isn't the interesting part, he was a weird kid and all but it was in high school when I experienced his wondrous wonders and all that. He was in a technology education class with one of my pals (I think it was about woodworking/computer class), and they ended up being partners on a project. By which I mean Greggor played shitty Mario related flash games and actually cried so much he had to leave class when my buddy said "Greggor you're going to have to stop playing Mario and do your part of this [powerpoint/woodthin?/whatever the fuck they were doing]."

The playing Mario flash games extended to the majority of his activity at school, which he probably why he didn't do very well in any of his classes. Except art class, which he sucked at for an entirely different reason. Not only could he not draw or anything like that (much like half the class, in my school you had to take either art or drama to fill your artsy quota), but every fucking day he'd go to the back of the room to play with the sink. The sink was a gross piece of shit coated with dried paint splotches and it had wicked high pressure if I remember correctly, he'd just go over and crank it full blast. When the teacher told him to cut the shit he'd still go back there and make the sink noises himself. Another time he spent a whole class casting a shoelace like a fishing line across a desk and reeling it back in, but that has nothing to do with anything.

Now, you're probably wondering what the hell a Soptibuptis is. The story behind this is long and complex and I'm glad I've already written about it like 4 years ago because there's no way I'd remember the details otherwise. Greggor was in math class fucking around with a paperclip, part of a pen, a zipper and some other little janky pieces of metal and we asked what the fuck he was doing. When he didn't give a satisfactory answer we did what we always did in such a circumstance, fuck with him.

We called it a Soptibuptis, a gypsy charm similar to one owned by Cripple Jim the One Armed Wonder (he had bought his at a carnival for protection against bandits, something about ballet and his pinky toe, it was a terrible story), and if it was ever dropped on the floor for longer than three seconds it would bring a terrible curse upon them both. Naturally he dropped it on the floor to see what would happen. Buddy pulled the chair out from under him and everyone else threw paper at him (like usual). He cried and profusely apologized to Cripple Jim for cursing them both, Cripple Jim had no idea what the hell he was talking about. It was great.

Mack Attack
Imagine the most generic looking nerd in the universe, something like this asshole.
nerd46422fm3.jpg

That's pretty much exactly what Mack looked like. He spoke like his native language was asthma and he was raised by a sinus infection. He played Magic the Gathering, D&D and watched copious amounts of questionable anime. He was the biggest stereotype I've ever met, and he was weird.

The first thing I learned about him was that he and his PSP were inseparable, I've never once seen him without it, and I've never once seen what was on it. You see, he wouldn't let anyone look at it for various reasons including but not limited to: 1) You're too young 2) I don't want to ruin your innocence 3) This is clearly anime porn and 4) [nasally grunting intensifies].

He treated being a pervert as a lifestyle for some reason, it was part of his identity in the same weird way bronies take their girly horse show too far. Though as much as he liked to say he was a pervert, he was clearly uncomfortable talking about things of a sexual nature and he was a super shy dude. He wasn't a wizard though, he played our sorcerer.

Mack got pretty into the D&D and it was our fault for inviting him to play. He actually used "I was playing D&D all weekend so I couldn't write my essay" as an excuse in three separate classes. What a pinhead.

On an unrelated but similarly silly note, remember what I said about you had to take either art or drama in Greggor's thing? Mack took drama but sucked dicks at the acting. Every year the class puts on a shitty play, but he was so bad they couldn't find a role for him. Instead they made him a dog, he put on like a fursuit head and said "Bow-Wow, Bow Wow" as his only line. His pants also fell down which he reminded us of constantly, because it was so embarrassing (but everyone forgot about it immediately after). His pants continued to "accidentally" fall down for years and no one ever did laugh.

Mauvman Dufflebag: The Greatest Actor
Sometimes pinheads share my first name, like the guy that shoved 9-volt batteries up his ass, the guy that got every black woman in school pregnant, and the guy that shit his pants and threw his back out while getting a blowjob. This is about the guy that thought he could play guitar and always had Duane/Dwayne backwashing in his water.

First the backwash thing, because I could never get over this. In like Grade 9 or something Duane bet Dwayne a toonie that he couldn't go across the room and backwash in Dufflebag's water without him noticing. Dwayne accepted the bet and parkoured across the room and backwashed into the water under Dufflebag's desk not once but twice, while Duane shouted across the room "Dufflebag! Dufflebag! Dwayne's about to backwash into your water." Dufflebag dismissed the warning as Duane being an asshole and drank his water conspicuously saying things such as "Mmm this water Dwayne didn't backwash in sure tastes good. I'm so glad nobody backwashed in my water." Dwayne got the two dollars and both of them couldn't keep a straight face. This event repeated itself 7 more times over the next three years, including one time where the water was not only directly adjacent to Dufflebag on the table, but was completely unopened. Duane broke the seal, spat out some of the excess water so he could get a good backwash going, dribbled over the sides and put the cap back on. Dufflebag still dismissed the warnings and drank it anyway.

Much like that guy that burned his eyebrows off with a can of axe, Dufflebag thought he could play guitar. In his case it meant slowly fumbling through the openings to songs and then giving up about 30 seconds in, but he wasn't just some guy learning to play guitar, he was a true guitarist expert musician.

Returning to the obligatory art/drama thing once again, Dufflebag was in the drama class and had to do a monologue. Since he didn't want to monologue about all the time he spends talking to the janitor about World of Warcraft he spent 5 minutes talking about how he misplaced his guitar. He put his guitar under a nearby desk and began to Shatner his way through five minutes of guitar misplacing improv. "My, guitar, where did I put, my guitar? It must be somewhere, my guitar. Oh, there it, is, my, guitar." - Actual quote.

He also ruined the fucking school play by walking through the curtain on stage instead of the door like everyone fucking else. MY IMMERSION WAS SHATTERED.

Getting Hard or Hardly Working?
This dude here always wore the same damn clothes, a red wifebeater and electric blue spandex shorts. He thought he was in some sort of gang but he was legitimately retarded I think.

Anyways, one time at the heritage fair (it's like a science fair except about family history, it's exactly as interesting as you'd expect) my pals and I were playing 20 questions (the answer was always Spock or short emo girls, what the fuck was I even doing playing with those guys) and this dude walks by. Duane notices that he was sporting a massive hard on for no reason and making no effort to hide it. We tried to subtly convey the fact that his penis was quite obvious erect but he just wouldn't take the hint. It was pretty gross.
 
butt in trouble said:
Branson. Legendary traveler, Master Jouster, Ultimate Ladies man and a good copyright infringer too.
I almost feel bad to tell you the saga of Branson because I'm still friends with the dude. But fuck it, who cares?
Branson was a guy I had know since elementary school. He was a pretty average guy. Nothing stood out about him. But when we got to high school something happened...
Around Junior of Senior year he got really interested in LARPing. He made his own armor and everything and became obsessed with middle age warfare. One day at the homecoming festival at school one of the events was JOUSTING. Of course that means two people put in these ridiculously huge plastic costumes and would use their "lances" to try and knock off the velcro-attached head on the other persons costume. So Branson being the master warrior he is immediately volunteered for that event. He actually won because he was so tall nobody could reach up high enough to knocked the head off of his costume. Everyone in our class clapped and cheered for him. This was Branson's 15 minutes of fame in highschool. Th next day nobody even remembered the damn thing. Branson talked about it for months. MONTHS! He tried to make it seem like some really poignant moment of a loveable loser overcoming adversity and ultimately triumphing. He tried to make it out like he was Rocky or something. And of course it was his VAST knowledge of military tactics that helped him win. Eventually (and I do mean EVENTUALLY) he got the point that nobody really gave a shit and shut up about it.
That same year Branson decided he was a ladies man and he knew the perfect way to get a date for the prom. He would buy EVERY girl in our class a rose! It's a full proof plan. And yes, he actually did this. Every girl from the ugliest ugly to the hottest hottie got a rose. Some were thankful. Most were creeped out. And after all that effort he still went to the prom stag.
Fast forward a few years later. Branson and I ended up working at the same place for a time. Somehow he got it in his head that he would travel the world on foot. Yes, the ENTIRE world. I tried to tell him how unbelievably retarded that was. I showed him google maps and was like how will you cross the ocean? He claimed he would just build a boat when he got the coast. He actually quit college and his job to do this. He was 100% serious. I shit you not. So he made it about 4 hours out of town and then turned around with his tail between his legs. BUT he did drive himself to San Francisco a few months later and according to him that's totally the same thing.
The latest nonsense He's been up to is writing a book that copies things almost verbatim from D&D. The dragons ALL look the same as they do in D&D. He also named the main Character after himself. His real name that is. If you would like to buy a copy they are sold wherever Branson's car happens to be parked because that's where he keeps all the copies. He signed a deal with some shady book company that only entitles him to 10% of the profits. How this works I do not know since the only people who have access to the book are people he personally knows.
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Okay, if it weren't for the fact that you mentioned San Francisco, I could swear you were talking bout my worthless shitstain brother...
 
The_Iconoclast said:
Maybe not v.a. work, but didn't a writer for Family Guy get his start because some actress liked his Twitter posts? I think he was selling beans out of the trunk of his car or something. So, yeah, success can be had with little effort, but it's more an exception that the rule.
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You are a lolcow
 

Good ol' 03bgood is back even though he made an apology before that. In this video, we can see how IGN is being so mean to our favourite manchild. Grab some popcorn. :popcorn:
 
I may have found a new personal lolcow. She's been posting on Whisper (a phone/tablet app) for two or three weeks about how she feels like a wolf, crawls around on all fours sometimes, and is a "wolf therian". She's also been posting abot how she's looking for other wolf therians and emos to hang out with, and how muc she hates her grandmother because she won't let her dye her hair blue. A few days ago, she made a YouTube and mentioned it on Whisper (which kind of defeats the purpose of an anonymous confessions app...). She had one video in which she talked about how she was TOTES awkward and random, but she's since taken it down. I'm going to be keeping an eye out, though.
 
I don't know what it is about the art department that attracted the worst kinds of people. Anyhow, I have a few lolcows from art classes....

1. This girl who was absolutely obsessed with iron man. It was a 2D design class, so we were allowed a certain amount of creative freedom. Every single one of her pictures was iron man. Anyhow, the teacher told the class (probably directing it at her) not to submit any more art that contained "trademarked characters. No cartoons, comics, or anime". We did this thing in the class where we pin our pictures to the board, then she goes around the class and asked us the explain/talk about our drawings. When it came the crazy girls turn, she hadn't done an iron man drawing for once. I was relieved, until she explained that the inspiration/meaning of her drawing was some iron man shit. Why can't people calm down with their fandoms? Why obsess so badly over something that's not real?

2. In my high school drawing class, we all sat around round tables. The people at my table had gotten to know each other and the conversations would usually include everyone at the table. Anyhow, there was this really awkward kid who would always draw Kirby with really muscular arms and a Cloud sword. He would try to include himself in the conversations, even though it was obvious that no one liked him. He would fart a lot, on purpose, and think it was funny. People at the table were rude to him about it, but he didn't seem to understand that he wasn't gaining any friends by farting. Once, during a conversation, someone brought up something about how girls pee, and the autist was like "GIRLS HAVE THREE HOLES, AND BOYS HAVE TWO. ONE IS FOR PEE, ONE IS FOR PERIODS, AND ONE IS FOR POOP. THE ONE FOR PEEING IS IN THE FRONT."
 
bunnyfood said:
I don't know what it is about the art department that attracted the worst kinds of people. Anyhow, I have a few lolcows from art classes....

1. This girl who was absolutely obsessed with iron man. It was a 2D design class, so we were allowed a certain amount of creative freedom. Every single one of her pictures was iron man. Anyhow, the teacher told the class (probably directing it at her) not to submit any more art that contained "trademarked characters. No cartoons, comics, or anime". We did this thing in the class where we pin our pictures to the board, then she goes around the class and asked us the explain/talk about our drawings. When it came the crazy girls turn, she hadn't done an iron man drawing for once. I was relieved, until she explained that the inspiration/meaning of her drawing was some iron man shit. Why can't people calm down with their fandoms? Why obsess so badly over something that's not real?

2. In my high school drawing class, we all sat around round tables. The people at my table had gotten to know each other and the conversations would usually include everyone at the table. Anyhow, there was this really awkward kid who would always draw Kirby with really muscular arms and a Cloud sword. He would try to include himself in the conversations, even though it was obvious that no one liked him. He would fart a lot, on purpose, and think it was funny. People at the table were rude to him about it, but he didn't seem to understand that he wasn't gaining any friends by farting. Once, during a conversation, someone brought up something about how girls pee, and the autist was like "GIRLS HAVE THREE HOLES, AND BOYS HAVE TWO. ONE IS FOR PEE, ONE IS FOR PERIODS, AND ONE IS FOR POOP. THE ONE FOR PEEING IS IN THE FRONT."
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And this was in high school? :eek:
 
Kitty Chandler said:
wow and I thought I knew some weird ones from high school :lol:
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At my high school this guy, who thought he was extremely knowledgeable about anatomy, declared that women have three holes: "A piss hole, a blood hole, and a baby hole." The really sad thing though is, several people believed him and refused to listen to me when I tried to explain proper anatomy.
 
MysticMisty said:
At my high school this guy, who thought he was extremely knowledgeable about anatomy, declared that women have three holes: "A piss hole, a blood hole, and a baby hole." The really sad thing though is, several people believed him and refused to listen to me when I tried to explain proper anatomy.
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Wow, I wonder what he's doing now. Sheesh.
 
ChameleonBody said:
I dedicate this poem to Megan:



...and as semen dripped from my glans,

I knew you were the one,

the ideal goat to be sacrificed,

in the altar of lust...



...my tears echoed through the night,

because you were the one,

your blood so pristine,

I cannot help myself but cum...



...as my hands embrace your neck,

you faint and choke to death,

your insides so warm and fresh,

I cannot help myself but eviscerate...



...your beautiful body begins to rot,

lice and maggots use the carcass as a hut,

but I still cherish your decaying corpse,

as if it were my very own.



THE END


I miss Charles. :(
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I tried to read this out loud to a coworker who has a sick sense of humor like mine, and I burst out laughing at the first line. That has to be some of the worst poetry in history. What a pathetic asshole.
 
MysticMisty said:
At my high school this guy, who thought he was extremely knowledgeable about anatomy, declared that women have three holes: "A piss hole, a blood hole, and a baby hole." The really sad thing though is, several people believed him and refused to listen to me when I tried to explain proper anatomy.
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What.
 
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