That's actually really sad. I mean, she might have been asexual, but that would just mean that she's not interested in sex, not that she has to be repulsed by it. For an aversion of that magnitude without something like a religion to back it up? Yeah, past trauma sounds pretty likely.
Did she ever mention seeing a counselor or therapist?
Since I never asked about her past out of politeness, I don't know. The professor actually agreed with her scare kids about sex idea. Despite going to an arts college, I had more run ins with crazy right-wingers than stereotypical leftist, college kids. Other than one white guilt professor, but I did learn some neat things about the social issues of the past that made me more fascinated with American history. Just learning about all the different perspectives was neat.
okay, so i stalk people sometimes. today i'm going to write about someone i'll call cmf. she's not a "typical lolcow" - she's really, really weird but has a sense of humor and self-awareness, and i don't think she's ever been "trolled" or maybe she has, idk. i haven't checked in on her in a while, and she has a million accounts here and there on places like deviantart.
let's see what i can remember, because there's quite a bit.
- she'll shamelessly snatch something and make it really weird. like she'll appropriate an established cartoon character from 2004 and make fake magazine scans that look like an obscure japanese comic with fancharacters inserted, and claim it's from the 80's and actually exists. what a weird thing i just typed. whatever.
- DON'T EVER MENTION WOLVES OR ROOSTERS OR POLICE OR ____ AROUND HER EVER. don't mention a whole ton of things around her. the list is looooong. but somewhere she briefly mentioned that the reason she doesn't want people to bring those things up is because apparently just the mere mention of, for example, wolves, will trigger a loop of high-pitched howling. same for roosters - the sound of a rooster crowing will play in a loop in her head until she says "suckersss" and makes a fist. oh, don't post pictures of floppy-eared dogs, either. i wonder how she feels about pointy-eared dogs? are they just like wolves?? what about earless dogs?? hmm. presumably the mention of the po-po triggers a looping siren.
-- i'll bet i forgot a whole ton of things here.
- she ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT DO PORN!!! NO PORN!!! but she will draw scat, vomiting, inflation, weight gain, and general cartoon pedo stuff. in fact her favorite fetishes are vomiting and inflation. what a great combo. also, no swearing around her.
- she goes around begging for fetish art, and then she makes knockoffs of them.
- you never know where she might pop up.
- she likes memes. a lot.
- she likes acting weird a lot. apparently she roleplays in comments. a lot.
i feel like i forgot a whole ton of things. anyway, she's certainly one of the stranger people i've encountered on the internet.
I remember watching the antics of a TRUE and HONEST Sonic fan from DeviantART long ago that went by the name of Nicochi (EpicKnightofJustice as he was later called). Here's a link for his ED page:
If there is all you really need to know about this lolcow is:
- He's a white guy who apparently lives in Japan. He was also a pretty good artist. He also claimed that he was a teacher.
- He hated Sonic's modern (pre-Boom) design with a burning passion, along with all the games from Sonic Adventure onward. He did have legitimate complaints about the gameplay mechanics, but he was known for his irrational criticism for Modern Sonic (which isn't too much of a drastic change IMO). This wasn't just for Sonic, but for other characters as well (He hated Turtles Forever, with one of the complaints being the 2003 Turtles).
- He called anyone who disagreed with his points sonicfags, including those who liked the classics.
- One of his complaints for Sonic Generations was that you had to play as Modern Sonic.
- Nico actually thought that Classic Sonic was in Generations because Sega actually listened to him, not because it was the 20th anniversary of Sonic. Yeah, like Sega would actually listen to some sperg on DeviantART.
- As you can see already, Nicochi had a huge yet fragile ego. He always claimed everyone that called him out was "butthurt" yet he blocked anybody who dared to have a different viewpoint than him, and constantly talked about THOSE DARN MODERNFAGGOTS nearly 24/7 in his comments section. He also had a habit of playing the victim.
- Nico was friends with Richard Kuta AKA Sonmaniac (The diaperfur who made the infamous Sonic 4 video). When someone on another forum criticized Sonmaniac, he went white knight and tried to defend him, while hurling insults at the OP. Years later, NicochiXSonmaniac was no more, as even Kuta couldn't handle Nico's unwarranted self importance.
- You can pretty much tell that this guy was just an ass to most people. He apparently made pictures that bashed beliefs like Christianity and Islam when he first joined DeviantART. He also insulted somebody over Sheik's gender. During his drama with another user named Aerobian-Angel, he insulted one of his friends for having dead parents. He also made a fake account of Aerobian-Angel as well.
- The real kicker though is this: It was found out that he supported lolicon (explains his love for Classic Sonic). He even made various Rule 34 pictures, one of them being a lolicon comic of the villagers of Kakariko Village from Ocarina of Time (see article, if you dare). When ED showed this information to the world in 2011, Nico hightailed it out of DA for good (He went to a sockpuppet account called Anon947, but he made his presence painfully obvious). It was funny really; he wanted an article of himself in the first place because of his ego. Too bad he couldn't take it when it happened. My guess was that he didn't expect ED to call him out on his pedophilia. He did try to argue on his page, but like every lolcow that went onto ED, he only made more of a fool out of himself.
He dwelled on a "critque" forum AKA an internet hugbox made by his friends shortly after his exodus from DA (so he and his friends can continue complaining about Sonic's design, act like their opinions are fact, etc), but faded into obscurity after some time after that. Nicochi was never heard from again after the ED article was put up.
I'd imagine he would SPERG over the Sonic Boom designs, but too bad he's no longer around. It would have been hilarious.
What he said has unfortunately been lost to time. There was a link to a screencap via the discussion page, but it looks like it died after ED went down. I don't even remember what he said.
So I have this friend from high school who fancies himself a drag queen make up guru and the next RuPaul, actually better than the next RuPaul. He was my friend since kindergarten and I kinda feel bad that he's become such an unbelievable, uncontrollable lolcow in the Drag community.
Before we get started with this harrowing tale, let me show you some pictures. You really need visual context for this.
So, um, clearly not the next RuPaul. Fun story about lip-liner for all you lads out there. It goes on your mouth, not your eyes.
For the purposes of this story, I'm going to call this fellow, "GiGi". That's his drag name. Also, as a disclaimer, I have no problem with drag or drag shows at all. Just a relevant detail.
So GiGi and I have been buddies since Kindergarten, but it was always kind of a strained relationship. GiGi was rather spoiled at home, and could be a very bossy, demanding child. That's not honestly not unusual behavior for a five year old, but it only became worse as he got older.
As a teenager, Gigi was absolutely obnoxious. He stole, he lied, he cheated at school and blamed others for it. He actually got one boy expelled from school by plagiarizing his essay and then claiming the other boy was the cheater. He also stole 200 dollars out of my mother's purse so he could buy a Wii and a few games. He was honestly confused when I confronted him about it. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "So, you uh, got a Wii."
Gigi : "Oh my God, it's so awesome! Like, you've got to try Twilight Princess, it's just-"
Me: "Dude, you stole that money from my mom."
Gigi: "Your mom is cool, she's totally my favorite teacher. She would have bought it for me anyway."
Me: "Are you actually kidding? You're not her child."
Gigi: "Don't be such a bitch, God! What's wrong with you? She buys me stuff all the time."
Me: "She bought you an ice-pop the other day. An ICE-POP! Not a Wii!"
Gigi: "So?"
So yeah, some entitlement issues. Eventually his Dad paid my mother back, but it was still pretty infuriating. Gigi got to keep his Wii of course. Around this same time Gigi began getting interested in make-up and fashion design. I believe his actual career plan -in this order- was:
1. get on Project Run-Way , a popular fashion design competition show.
2. Learn to sew and construct garments.
3. Become on of the the top three contestants, but quit the show so he doesn't have to deal with the pressure of the final round.
4. Show his line at Bryant Park Fashion Week (one of the most prestigious fashion events in the world) anyway.
5. Become a famous designer.
He planned to accomplish all of this within a year. It didn't happen, but he tried, going so far as to steal a sewing machine from his former best friend's (the one that he got expelled) sister. He actually broke into her room in the dead of night and stole it. She did get it back, eventually, but he had broken the threading foot.
His drag queen phase didn't come as a surprise. He had always loved make up, and when he and I were children, we loved putting on my mother's make up and pretending to be "Fancy Girls". However, he doesn't understand how to use make-up at all. He'll use eyeliner as lip-liner, and mascara as eyeliner. Nevertheless, he claims to be an absolute expert at make-up and will "advise" anyone and everyone he sees who is wearing any.
He is also a fruitiarian, claims to only live on fruit, because apparently vegetables have feelings and anyone who eats salad is a MURDERER. Hilariously, he hates fruit and I catch him eating fast food burgers all the time. The last time I to dairy queen I bumped into him.
He was sitting by himself, in full drag, at a picnic table eating a simply massive cheese burger with an Orange Julius.
"Gigi!", I called, savoring the look of absolute horror on his face, " Long time no see! It's a nice day isn't it? Mind if I join you?"
" Oh no, that's fine- yeah, long time no see!" We were both staring at his burger. The last time we had spoken was through facebook, where he had linked a bunch of PETA articles into my inbox after I had posted a status about making chicken soup.
"That looks good! Maybe I'll get one!" I said merrily.
"Yeah, well, I don't know, my doctor just told me I had to gain weight so...you know."
"That makes sense. I guess fruit is pretty low-cal, huh?"
"Yeah it's pretty great. You don't have to worry about going to the gym as much, you can just be naturally healthy." He sipped his Orange Julius a little more. An uncomfortable silence passed. "Please don't tell anyone I had a burger," he begged after a while. He offered to buy my silence with ice cream, but then commented that the dairy products would probably make me fat, so I decided I had had enough Gigi for one day and left.
Great one as always. While I love drag queens, god, he makes a terrible one.
I remember my one of my driving instructors who had major AIDS paranoia. Even though it was the mid-late 90's at the time, she still believed in some of the fearful rumors of the past like you could get it from toilet seats, water faucets and water fountains. It got to the point that she even made her kids take bottled water with them when they are out of the house since since didn't want them getting sick. Otherwise, she was a decent lady.
So there's this girl (I'll call her Alicia) on deviantART that me and a couple of friends like to check on regularly just to get a dose of some of her lolcow-ness. We all used to be friends with her when we participated in an art tournament together, and the tournament was a nice way for all of us to get some really constructive feedback on our art and storytelling and not the hugbox-type comments that are typical on dA. Except Alicia does not take criticism well. At all. And recently she posted a journal that stated this, and I'm just shaking my head:
Yes, I do willingly accept criticism.
Sometimes, I do not answer critical comments, but I read all messages that arrive in my inbox. Whenever I can, I attempt to learn from the criticisms I receive. However, there are certain pieces that I don't want criticism on, as indicated in the artist's comments. Otherwise, I do not shun or overreact to criticism, as people have said I do. I don't like to have my literature criticized, but I will not attack someone who criticizes it.
Let me tell you how she reacted to my criticism after she lost in this art tournament we were in.
As soon as the results were posted and she saw that she lost, she immediately stormed out of the chatroom we were in and refused to respond to anyone for a day. When she came back online, she accused everyone of being mean to her and for poking fun at her mental condition. The character she used in this tournament was an obvious self-insert that shared her username, and in this particular round in the tournament her character suddenly developed multiple personality disorder (and I think schizophrenia?) out of no where, which Alicia claimed to also suffer from. However, we later figured out that she only said she had these mental disorders based on online quizzes she took. She has never been clinically diagnosed with them. I did some research on both of these disorders before I wrote my critique, and the way she portrayed them in her story were incredibly inaccurate, so I called her out on it. We were still cool with her at the time, so I tried not to sound harsh and wrote my critique as nice as possible without ass-patting, but nope, she still took it as an attack.
In the following days we were legitimately worried she would try to hurt herself or commit suicide because of how she responded to the loss and criticism. We tried reaching out to her and suggested that she visit a doctor or a therapist about the voices she claimed to hear in her head, which she said were angry at her for losing. She either ignored us or passively acknowledged our attempts to help before shrugging it off and continuing to complain about how she felt, since that seemed to be working in garnering her more attention. She was also incredibly hostile and passive aggressive towards the tournament judges and to the opponent that she lost to.
All of this occurred two years ago, and she still writes journals about the whole incident because she cannot. let it. go. Of course, she twists the truth a bit more with each journal entry, making herself out to be the abused victim in the situation while we were the mean bad guys who only wanted to hurt her. Recently she blocked most of us (and then proceeded to complain that she was losing watchers, probably unaware that blocking people also removed them as your watchers), though we didn't care that much since we don't talk to her or leave comments anymore. However, what prompted her to write the most recent journal that I quoted was because she has a widget that tracks the users who visit her page, and she saw one of us looking at her profile. She wrote a journal to clarify "If I have blocked you, there are two possible reasons why. You either bullied or trolled me and caused me to block you, or you are the personal friend of someone I want to avoid," and "I am not a rude, unkind, or hostile person. I am friendly and willingly answer all messages I receive," and then claims she is willing to talk it out with the people who she has offended.
But we've already tried talking things out and she completely ignored us, and even if we did want to try again, we can't because we're blocked. And this is because she's still bitter over a silly online competition.
There was this guy that hung out at this local gaming store I frequented before it closed down. At first he seemed ok, just a bit odd and cynical. Eventually, he started talking about mystical encounters he had like psychically wrestling with his own personal demons. (He claimed that's where he got a scar on his stomach.) Given that being a gaming geek can leave one at least a little eccentric, we put up with it. Over time, I kept getting this creepy, dark feeling from him like it was choking me.
Even more so when we started playing a campaign at his house after the store closed. Over time, he started revealing more and more about mystical conspiracies like how the apocalypse will come (he planned to be dead on December 12, 2012) and will bring a new age of magic and mystical creatures, that there are people who show signs of becoming one (there were a few in existence). He even began offering meditation lessons two of my friends. On the way of driving us home, he started mentioning the true origins of werewolves when I realized this was exactly the main plot of Werewolf: The Forsaken. When I pointed that out, he claimed that a lot of those games are created by (or inspired by) people who are the real thing.
We stopped seeing him after that, but the creepiest thing was that after he dropped off the others, he told me that he could see that I sensed something about him. Then said that he knew about the darkness he had and that it was bothering me. Thankfully, he never contacted any of us ever again and kept to himself.
One of my best friends in elementary school was a guy named J. Dude seemed pretty normal, but had a penchant for telling really weird, bizarre lies at a young age - like how him and his brother built a rocket in the backyard and flew up in the sky until it exploded and they came down in parachutes, or how his scrotum became HUGE because he had to pee so bad and that's where he stored his urine... but that aside...
We were friends through HS. We were both art dorks and liked goth stuff, so we kinda traveled in the same circles. It was around this time that I'd broken up with my first girlfriend and he immediately snatched her up. (She's another story entirely - locked up in a mental hospital, was convinced she was a princess from a story she liked, became heavily medicated, etc.) We didn't really see eye to eye for a while after that, but that's when he started getting really strange. Somehow, he developed a "following" of other disenchanted kids from my weird rural school. He'd take a chair and put it in the middle of one of the huge art tables and sit there saying really bizarre stuff about God and the devil and his own kind of weird, desolate spirituality. I kinda just ignored the whole thing and assumed it was a big joke; some kind of mocking organized religion or something like that. He was desperate to be subversive, so I didn't really interfere with his thing.
Him and my ex broke up, and we got back together because young love is fucking stupid. My ex, who was clinically insane even if I didn't see it at the time, started to be convinced that J had raped her. By all accounts, it seemed to be just begging and whining and psychological manipulation of an obviously mentally vulnerable person, but I wasn't there. She called his parents and told them her weird story. And that's when the cracks in J started to really show. After that, we didn't talk for years. We ran into one another at a wedding, but that was it.
Flash forward a few (6? 7?) years, and he comes into my workplace, asking to see me after work. He didn't call or anything, just showed up and wouldn't talk about what was going on, just to meet him. I agree, because why not? We meet in the parking lot of a local bookstore.
He opens up the trunk of his car and takes out a copious amount of file folders, while he starts telling me that government agents are after him. They've implanted a chip in his head, and he has x-rays to prove it. He shows me the x-rays, which are ambiguous at best, which show what's probably just a weird bone chip floating around near his jaw. He gives me this long, repeating inquisition about if anyone's come around asking for him, or about him. I'm not sure what to say - do I say YES and play into this thing, or NO, and have him think I'm an enemy agent and come under scrutiny myself? Bear in mind that I don't know if this guy's gone far enough off the reservation to hurt people.
He also tells me that he had some work in an art show which was taken down because the people watching him thought that it revealed too much about their agenda. The truth is probably that he was intentionally trying to be offensive in a show which didn't really have time for that shit. The show's organizer apparently refused to "tell him the truth", and people took him into a room to question him. He blacks out, and comes to god knows how long later and the people around him are telling him to be careful. Why? Just be careful, J. We can't say anything, but be careful.
As such, he doesn't have any social media profiles and lives a very off-the-grid existence. I was happy to find out that he now has a girlfriend and was still a relatively functioning member of society. But I'll never forget that night in the parking lot. I get updates through friends braver than I.
Personal lolcows...hmm, as far as personal experiences go, there was this guy that Pretty Cure fans such as yours truly like to refer to as the Emma Watson Creeper Guy in order to protect the innocent and to avoid the stupid drama that is him paying anybody who namedrops him and doesn't offer mindless praise in the same stupid breath a visit.
PreCure is super-easy to write OCs and fanseries for: just make up a bunch of girls with some theme to their team, have them become really good friends, punch all the things and be awesome. Nobody told this guy though, who loves to stuff his stories full of the following, in no particular order:
Dark, lolsoedgy content because in his mind more darker=more better
An obsession with Emma Watson playing his personal Mary Sue/self-insert characters
A trap fetish, and the belief that Rupert Grint is the ideal trap (Yes, why don't we all imagine Grint wearing a skirt in anything that isn't sketch comedy)
An aversion to girliness, which is bizarre if you're making fiction in one of the girliest magical girl franchises I know, and so his Sues/SIs are all vulgar, alpha-as-fuck tomboys
Eye-watering levels of racism, plagiarism, and pollution of his writing with pop culture references, many of them unfunny or just plain wrong
An ego inflated from merely being at this PreCure fanseries writing thing way longer than most people he meets, despite his stories running the gamut from "entirely unreadable" to "almost entirely unreadable"
A penchant for drama when people call him out on his shit, like any good lolcow
Just the right combination of being prolific and whiny, and loves to do the Sonichu thing of casting people who call him out suddenly becoming bad guys in his stories
The ability to pay just enough lip service to people who call him out to go right back to doing what he always does and stuffing all of the above in fanseries pitch after fanseries pitch, which are all on TV Tropes articles and numerous wikis all written by him, despite maybe 10% of these series he's supposedly written actually existing outside these places, and that 10% making you wish it was more like 0%
His crowning achievement was taking up more than 930 posts to get everybody on a Pretty Cure writing forum so fed up with his antics that he drove almost everybody off, before presumably going stir-crazy and ranting and raving about all the stuff he caused that other people tried to stop, how he was really the victim years after everybody else involved stopped caring, all that jazz, just enough to get people to try to shut him up again.
Oh, yeah, and that he was creating yet another fanseries stuffed to the gills with all his kinks and signatures and if people would mind telling him what he could do to improve it.
Here's where I came in. Because I'm stupid, I thought that since he'd never heard of me before, he wouldn't devolve into screaming rants and arguments, and thus that I would succeed where others failed by being cool-headed and logical.
What ensued instead was almost 250 posts over what I think might have been two or three months, most of them big textwalls written by me in two separate threads of me trying to argue the simple points that the trap thing was pointless and in fact kind of creepy, and that his other characters were basically bland mixtures of canon Cures, nowhere near the genius creations he held them up as. Two other posters had to come to my aid to try to hammer these things home, and we all failed as he kept trying to change the subject or conveniently ignored points in our criticism that might interfere with his fetishes or supposed genius. Even then the guy couldn't fathom that we all lost patience with him due to his stubbornness and tried to make it about his stress levels making him crash into slumber, and I quit. That guy is somebody else's problem now.
His percentage of posts on that forum, at last count, is 27% and climbing.
Personal lolcows...hmm, as far as personal experiences go, there was this guy that Pretty Cure fans such as yours truly like to refer to as the Emma Watson Creeper Guy in order to protect the innocent and to avoid the stupid drama that is him paying anybody who namedrops him and doesn't offer mindless praise in the same stupid breath a visit.
PreCure is super-easy to write OCs and fanseries for: just make up a bunch of girls with some theme to their team, have them become really good friends, punch all the things and be awesome. Nobody told this guy though, who loves to stuff his stories full of the following, in no particular order:
Dark, lolsoedgy content because in his mind more darker=more better
An obsession with Emma Watson playing his personal Mary Sue/self-insert characters
A trap fetish, and the belief that Rupert Grint is the ideal trap (Yes, why don't we all imagine Grint wearing a skirt in anything that isn't sketch comedy)
An aversion to girliness, which is bizarre if you're making fiction in one of the girliest magical girl franchises I know, and so his Sues/SIs are all vulgar, alpha-as-fuck tomboys
Eye-watering levels of racism, plagiarism, and pollution of his writing with pop culture references, many of them unfunny or just plain wrong
An ego inflated from merely being at this PreCure fanseries writing thing way longer than most people he meets, despite his stories running the gamut from "entirely unreadable" to "almost entirely unreadable"
A penchant for drama when people call him out on his shit, like any good lolcow
Just the right combination of being prolific and whiny, and loves to do the Sonichu thing of casting people who call him out suddenly becoming bad guys in his stories
The ability to pay just enough lip service to people who call him out to go right back to doing what he always does and stuffing all of the above in fanseries pitch after fanseries pitch, which are all on TV Tropes articles and numerous wikis all written by him, despite maybe 10% of these series he's supposedly written actually existing outside these places, and that 10% making you wish it was more like 0%
His crowning achievement was taking up more than 930 posts to get everybody on a Pretty Cure writing forum so fed up with his antics that he drove almost everybody off, before presumably going stir-crazy and ranting and raving about all the stuff he caused that other people tried to stop, how he was really the victim years after everybody else involved stopped caring, all that jazz, just enough to get people to try to shut him up again.
Oh, yeah, and that he was creating yet another fanseries stuffed to the gills with all his kinks and signatures and if people would mind telling him what he could do to improve it.
Here's where I came in. Because I'm stupid, I thought that since he'd never heard of me before, he wouldn't devolve into screaming rants and arguments, and thus that I would succeed where others failed by being cool-headed and logical.
What ensued instead was almost 250 posts over what I think might have been two or three months, most of them big textwalls written by me in two separate threads of me trying to argue the simple points that the trap thing was pointless and in fact kind of creepy, and that his other characters were basically bland mixtures of canon Cures. Two other posters had to come to my aid to try to hammer these things home, and we all failed as he kept trying to change the subject or conveniently ignored points in our criticism that might interfere with his fetishes or supposed genius. Even then the guy couldn't fathom that we all lost patience with him due to his stubbornness and tried to make it about his stress levels making him crash into slumber, and I quit. That guy is somebody else's problem now.
His percentage of posts on that forum, at last count, is 27% and climbing.
One of the other people who was driven away by him basically said the forum admins were at fault, since they alternated between not being there to look after the forum and being amused by the drama. But you're right; if the staff were more level-headed maybe things might not have gone that far.
...o-or maybe they might have, considering this guy's personality.
One of the other people who was driven away by him basically said the forum admins were at fault, since they alternated between not being there to look after the forum and being amused by the drama. But you're right; if the staff were more level-headed maybe things might not have gone that far.
...o-or maybe they might have, considering this guy's personality.
There comes a time in every man's life where you must decide how you're going to assassinate your foster parents. You've done it, I've done it, but most importantly Drake has done it. At the time he was known by whatever name I gave to the kid that threw a sock at the Bart Simpson lamp and pissed in the basement (but was not that kid) and was most notable for having a weird haircut and making a guitar out of twine and Styrofoam. Everything changed when the fire nation attacked he concocted his master plan.
Step 1) Hire local thug to kill parents
Step 2) Change name to Drake
Step 3) Launch Singing Career
Step 4) (In the words of his brother) Get the government to pay for his titty pills
Step 5) Success
Unsurprisingly, his plan failed in the odd numbered steps for several reasons. The assassination failed because he hired his neighbor instead of a hitman, and paid him twenty dollars to do it. The singing career failed because Drake sang about as well as Chris. The success wasn't achieved because his parents are still alive and he doesn't have a singing career, but (s)he might have tits now. I'm not really too clear on what happened regarding that.
His name was Ass, Dumb Ass.
I'm going to call him Deuce because I find it a very fitting name for him, but his nickname was and still legitimately is "Dumbass" (though briefly it was shitass). There are two things you should know about Deuce, he was a dumbass and always had to shit. Here are some classic Deuce moments
The time he attempted 12/25 questions on a multiple choice test and thought he did a pretty good job.
The many times he arrived at work and immediately used their bathroom for the next hour to take his 2nd daily shit.
The time he needed to take 7 classes to graduate and registered for six.
The time he graduated highschool because his grandparents conveniently died before the start of the exam periods both semesters of Grade 12 allowing him to be considered exempt.
The several times he casually watched porn while hanging out in (I FORGET WHAT I CALL THIS GUY, HE HAD THE SIMPSONS LAMP AND I'M NOT BOTHERING TO CHECK)'s basement, not jacking off or anything, just watching it for the plot I guess.
The time he took 7 shits at school in one day and missed all of his classes
Something about a forklift and a bunch of ice, it was stupid though, probably.
Assorted Gingers
Much like Happy Meal toys, there are two kinds of gingers. The shitty ones and the shifty ones. Here are their stories.
Shitty Ginger
Why did the sweater cross the road? To get off this fucker's torso. Shitty G was large in stature but not in spirit for he was a lifeless, paleskinned, red-haired husk of a man. And the husk was filled with musk or something because he fucking stank. Though he had no will of his own (or a change of clothes for that matter), doing nothing and speaking very little I mention him for one good reason. One time he was given twenty dollars to kill some dude's parents, and so he concocted a masterful plan.
Step 1) Receive $20
Step 2) Profit
Shifty Ginger
Why did the sweater cross the road? To get off the other guy's torso, I just told this one, you gotta keep up. Anyway, Shifty G was always considered "the bad kid" because he burnt stuff, stabbed stuff, showed no signs of human compassion and all that jazz. But that's not funny.
My favorite thing this dude ever did was the time he harnessed the powers of apathy to give no shits about the robo-babby. At our school every year the kids in grade 9 had to take home these robo-babby things that cried until you stabbed them in the back with a key and twisted it there for long enough, they also got whiplash or something because their heads were all woobly. I had a black one which is gay and unrealistic because there were more black babbies than black people in the class (which was 0 because racial diversity is for communists).
Enough about that shit though, the important thing is how when he received his robo-babby his immediate reaction was to yell "Shitty G, go long!" and play Tommy Wiseau football with it. When asked to stop playing catch he finished with a touchdown, and when he brought it home he stuffed it in the freezer for a weekend.
On a wildly unrelated note, I think he's a drug dealer now and his apartment got robbed by some gangsters or something. Unlike his brother, Shifty Ginger hired actual hitmen for greater than $20.
JCrowley, First Contact.
About 7 years ago I was playing Runescape and there was this asshole. I don't remember much about him other than that I didn't like him and I kicked his ass, and that his name was Jcrowley1985. Not really much of a story, but just a bit interesting considering his later antics on the forum. Just goes to show how strange people are drawn to me I suppose.
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Edit: Here's the links to previous installments for my personal convenience in the future. Just let me slam the keyword Personal Lolcow right here conspicuously.
Ugly anorexic redneck kid across the street. Years ago it was his dad screaming at him, then silence with a few intermittent cop visits to their house here and there. Nowadays he has this morbidly obese girlfriend who parks along the narrow street, forcing trucks and buses to weave back and forth (and blocking cars from exiting their driveways). Now he dresses like an aspiring Fashion Fail douchebag, replete with emo-black wife beaters, and has been seen on multiple occasions with long dark socks and long black boxer shorts. My god, this is a northern state suburb, not an Alabama trailer park, and what he considers fashion went out ten years ago.
Also from the same household, they hit their garage with cars a lot, whether it's the kid's girlfriend, or the father's redneck friends. I get the feeling they may be wrestling fans.
