Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.
- Thread starter Judge Holden
- Start date
-
Want to keep track of this thread?
Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
Create account
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Saney said:
Because it was just one of those fucked up "you had to see it" moments. I didn't really believe the story for a long time, until I had to spend almost all day with Billy every day in 8th grade. Then when I got to know Billy, I was like, "Yeah, I believe it now."
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
There are a couple fellers I used to know that were pretty funny to be around, I'll spare you from the longer stories involving them though.
The Nonadventures of Dave
Ugly Ted: The Man Who Might Have Been a Zombie
The Ballad of Obofo
The Nonadventures of Dave
This first one was probably my favorite, he was a big guy, I think between 6 and 7 feet tall now and about half as wide, let's call him Dave. He was a bit slow in most every sense, he kind of reminded me a bit of Butthead when he spoke. He went to the same school as me but was a grade behind so I never ended up in any of his classes, so most of this stuff was just what my friends experienced.
THE HIGHLIGHTS
- Dave's favorite swear word -One day Dave wrote "Fuck" on the back of his hand, my friend noticed and asked him about it. He explained "I wrote my favorite swear word on the back of my hand, gotta wash it off before my mom sees."
- Dave's legendary goaltending skills - His ability to be a goalie gym class were unmatched by anyone, as long as they stood almost entirely motionless. He didn't bother moving if he'd have to move more than six feet from where he was standing, but he's so damn big it didn't matter half the time. He just stood there and got hit until class ended.
- Dave versus the belt - Dave's pants had a habit of falling down a bit or at the very least showing too much of his ass when he bent over, so eventually my buddy asked why he didn't wear a belt. Dave showed him he had been wearing a belt all along, it just wasn't attached to his pants in any way.
- Dave's Microsoft Word Amusement Hour - Dave was in the computer lab working on something or other, I think it was a history class and there might have been an essay or something to write. Whatever he was supposed to be doing, instead he wrote his favorite swear words, movies or tv shows, then immediately erased them and wrote something else. He did this for an hour.
THE HIGHLIGHTS
- Dave's favorite swear word -One day Dave wrote "Fuck" on the back of his hand, my friend noticed and asked him about it. He explained "I wrote my favorite swear word on the back of my hand, gotta wash it off before my mom sees."
- Dave's legendary goaltending skills - His ability to be a goalie gym class were unmatched by anyone, as long as they stood almost entirely motionless. He didn't bother moving if he'd have to move more than six feet from where he was standing, but he's so damn big it didn't matter half the time. He just stood there and got hit until class ended.
- Dave versus the belt - Dave's pants had a habit of falling down a bit or at the very least showing too much of his ass when he bent over, so eventually my buddy asked why he didn't wear a belt. Dave showed him he had been wearing a belt all along, it just wasn't attached to his pants in any way.
- Dave's Microsoft Word Amusement Hour - Dave was in the computer lab working on something or other, I think it was a history class and there might have been an essay or something to write. Whatever he was supposed to be doing, instead he wrote his favorite swear words, movies or tv shows, then immediately erased them and wrote something else. He did this for an hour.
Ugly Ted: The Man Who Might Have Been a Zombie
What do you do when your head janitor is staying in his office all day to play World of Warcraft instead of just talking to the students about World of Warcraft? Get a substitute. We called him Ugly Ted, a name originally given to a lunchbox for reasons I was never aware of, and I'm not sure if he was even alive. First off, he was super old which by itself doesn't really suggest he might be undead but he moved so slow Dave looked like Sonichu zapping to the fucking extreme. He handled like a truck trying to drive another truck with its ass, which I guess doesn't mean anything because it's stupid and impossible but he knocked shit over all the damn time. The most notable thing he ever did was stare into a garbage can for ten minutes straight. He opened it up, and just looked in. Then kept looking. Didn't put anything in. Didn't take anything out. Just stared for ten minutes and walked away. Still did a better job of cleaning than the main janitor though.
The Ballad of Obofo
Obofo was all about one thing, trucks, big trucks. If he was about two things the other would be laughing excessively at his own jokes, or more often than not, sentences that weren't jokes at all (he had a great laugh, a good solid huh-huh-huhuhuhuh-huh). The name comes from the way he used to write his initials, oBoFo.
Notable notes and factual facts
Obofo's MP3 Player - According to him, it runs on gas. I assure you, it does not.
Obofo's Computer - One day he came to school carrying a plastic bag, he came over to our table to show off its contents. It was a bunch of computer parts, I don't think they were broken but I'm not really sure anymore. Apparently he saw the parts on the side of the road and stopped to pick them up. I doubt he ever put it together, and if he did that a bunch of parts he found on the side of the road would work.
Obofo's Asscapades - Completely unprovoked with no prior context he once mentioned either that he put a 9 volt battery up his ass, or would not like if anyone did that. I forget which. He also mentioned shoving a tennis ball up a muffler on a completely unrelated occasion years apart, but I'm pretty sure it was referring to the same thing.
The Time He Chucked A Big Fucking Rock at My Head - One time I was in a bit of a pickle, I sucked at jumping and was momentarily stuck in a little ditch type place. It was pretty cold out and there was water all around me and didn't want to get my feet wet because I'm pretty sure there was snow and that'd be a pain in the ass. His solution? Chuck a big rock down for me to walk across. Great idea, except it hit me in the head and didn't solve anything at all, except that it gave me a bald spot. At that point I didn't give much of a fuck about getting in the water, I think I just left to go inside or something. That was a shitty birthday party.
Notable notes and factual facts
Obofo's MP3 Player - According to him, it runs on gas. I assure you, it does not.
Obofo's Computer - One day he came to school carrying a plastic bag, he came over to our table to show off its contents. It was a bunch of computer parts, I don't think they were broken but I'm not really sure anymore. Apparently he saw the parts on the side of the road and stopped to pick them up. I doubt he ever put it together, and if he did that a bunch of parts he found on the side of the road would work.
Obofo's Asscapades - Completely unprovoked with no prior context he once mentioned either that he put a 9 volt battery up his ass, or would not like if anyone did that. I forget which. He also mentioned shoving a tennis ball up a muffler on a completely unrelated occasion years apart, but I'm pretty sure it was referring to the same thing.
The Time He Chucked A Big Fucking Rock at My Head - One time I was in a bit of a pickle, I sucked at jumping and was momentarily stuck in a little ditch type place. It was pretty cold out and there was water all around me and didn't want to get my feet wet because I'm pretty sure there was snow and that'd be a pain in the ass. His solution? Chuck a big rock down for me to walk across. Great idea, except it hit me in the head and didn't solve anything at all, except that it gave me a bald spot. At that point I didn't give much of a fuck about getting in the water, I think I just left to go inside or something. That was a shitty birthday party.
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
^ these are all great stories. I love stories about strange people.
MysticMisty
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2013
You reminded me of somebody who attended my high school during senior year. Can't remember if the guy was a sophomore or a junior, but I guess ultimately it doesn't matter.sparklemilhouse said:
What does matter is one day he took a shit in one of the hallways. On purpose. He did it during lunchtime so no one would see him, but he got caught anyways. I don't know what the school did to him for that, but they didn't kick him out permanently. ...He did die of cancer or something a week or so before the end of the school year, however. I guess he knew he was slowly dying when he decided to take a shit in the hallway, but as far as I know nobody knew why he did it beyond "just because".
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
I forgot to mention that once in 8th grade, someone threw Billy's shoes on the roof of the school. So the gym teacher gave Billy a pair of Nikes that was in the lost n found forever. They were cooler looking than the ones that were thrown on the roof.
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2013
There's a guy on a band forum I frequent who has his own thread for his antics.
He's a 32 year old whigger from NJ who still lives with his dad. He's a junkie and a crackhead and a drunk and his posts are all some sort of whigger-speak code about his life, alternating between how miserable it is and how amazing it is because he got so fucked up on crack and blacked out. He steals his dad's pills "because he doesn't need all of them."
He drives (or drove, until he crashed it into a pole) a leased Audi that his dad paid for. Once while his dad was gone, he drunkenly crashed it into a pole, and as soon as he was released, stole his dad's car to go buy crack, and was somehow convinced into giving a junkie he'd never met the keys "to go get the rock." So it got stolen and ended up in NYC.
He justifies his behavior by whining about how his mom died. Eighteen years ago. He recently vanished for two weeks or so after getting pissed off because people told him not to quit his minimum wage job as a pizzeria cashier because his boss didn't tell him they were closed on Memorial Day, which he interpreted as "mad disrespectful." He just came back with new stories about how his dad "got under his skin" so he threw a steak at him, and warned him that the next time he'd be throwing a knife.
Also, he's a pedophile and constantly posts about creeping on young girls at the beach and lusting after their "tight lil bodies" and how they should feel free to "sun their snizz." He gets angry and defensive and threatens to beat people up when they say these things are bad.
He's an absolute trainwreck, but it's hard not to facepalm and laugh about his miserable existence.
He's a 32 year old whigger from NJ who still lives with his dad. He's a junkie and a crackhead and a drunk and his posts are all some sort of whigger-speak code about his life, alternating between how miserable it is and how amazing it is because he got so fucked up on crack and blacked out. He steals his dad's pills "because he doesn't need all of them."
He drives (or drove, until he crashed it into a pole) a leased Audi that his dad paid for. Once while his dad was gone, he drunkenly crashed it into a pole, and as soon as he was released, stole his dad's car to go buy crack, and was somehow convinced into giving a junkie he'd never met the keys "to go get the rock." So it got stolen and ended up in NYC.
He justifies his behavior by whining about how his mom died. Eighteen years ago. He recently vanished for two weeks or so after getting pissed off because people told him not to quit his minimum wage job as a pizzeria cashier because his boss didn't tell him they were closed on Memorial Day, which he interpreted as "mad disrespectful." He just came back with new stories about how his dad "got under his skin" so he threw a steak at him, and warned him that the next time he'd be throwing a knife.
Also, he's a pedophile and constantly posts about creeping on young girls at the beach and lusting after their "tight lil bodies" and how they should feel free to "sun their snizz." He gets angry and defensive and threatens to beat people up when they say these things are bad.
He's an absolute trainwreck, but it's hard not to facepalm and laugh about his miserable existence.
Bridechu
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2013
I just got in semi-contact with a real live pony tulpa fucker.
Redlight Ponyville (Jin's forum) imploded, but I found one of them, the (I think) sole female on DeviantArt and got her chatting a bit about ponies and Psychonauts. Honestly, it's kind of disappointing, though. Unlike true lolcows she knows not to talk about her crazy with outsiders and she has insanely low self esteem.
Here's a picture of her OC and her waifu:
Redlight Ponyville (Jin's forum) imploded, but I found one of them, the (I think) sole female on DeviantArt and got her chatting a bit about ponies and Psychonauts. Honestly, it's kind of disappointing, though. Unlike true lolcows she knows not to talk about her crazy with outsiders and she has insanely low self esteem.
Here's a picture of her OC and her waifu:
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Some additional guys pretty much as ridiculous as the others I mentioned earlier.
Willy Wiggles Steals a Wheeler (and other not theft related tales)
The Amazing Journey of Microwave Mike
Rapmaster J Has a Question
Some Guy at the YMCA
Willy Wiggles Steals a Wheeler (and other not theft related tales)
Wiggles got his nickname because it was pretty close to his last name, and also because at any given time it was a safe bet that he was wiggling. He was really damn short, barely over four feet from what I remember and he always hung out with Dave. Wiggles liked shiny objects and throwing things, people would throw coins under vending machines and he'd dive after them and smash his head against the machine, coins he would use to buy pizza from the cafeteria and throw the paper plate that came with it in frustration when he later dropped the pizza. He'd do that sort of thing all the time, but the best stuff were things he only did once.
-One time in the cafeteria he came over and took my taco wrappers, just for no reason.
-One time on a class trip to Wendy's we asked him what he was going to get, Wiggles excitedly replied "I'm gonna get some Chicken McNuggets!" my friend explained that they don't have McNuggets at Wendy's, he got really sad and almost cried.
-One time he got another kid detention for telling a teacher that he threw a penny in the garbage.
-And lastly, the time he stole a Wheeler (I think most people call them ATVs). It was after summer break and he wasn't around and nobody really knew where he went, but later word got around that he tried to steal a Wheeler by driving it off from wherever it was being sold and ended up in Juvie.
-One time in the cafeteria he came over and took my taco wrappers, just for no reason.
-One time on a class trip to Wendy's we asked him what he was going to get, Wiggles excitedly replied "I'm gonna get some Chicken McNuggets!" my friend explained that they don't have McNuggets at Wendy's, he got really sad and almost cried.
-One time he got another kid detention for telling a teacher that he threw a penny in the garbage.
-And lastly, the time he stole a Wheeler (I think most people call them ATVs). It was after summer break and he wasn't around and nobody really knew where he went, but later word got around that he tried to steal a Wheeler by driving it off from wherever it was being sold and ended up in Juvie.
The Amazing Journey of Microwave Mike
Microwave Mike was an exchange student from Brazil, his English was okay most of the time, but sometimes it was hard to tell what he meant and if he understood you. Whenever he talked about Brazil other exchange students from around the same part of it said he was full of shit.
-Why I call him Microwave Mike: I didn't hang around with him much, most of the time I only saw him in class but the one exception was the school's annual all-nighter thingy (they kept the school open all night and bought a bunch of food or whatever, I beat an albino kid in a watermelon eating duel but that's unrelated). One of the rooms they kept open was the cafeteria and the attached kitchen, Microwave Mike took an egg and a plate from the kitchen and came over to where my friends and I were. He said to us "You can cook an egg in the microwave" to which we replied "What? Why would you even mention that?" He took our reply as a sign that we didn't believe him and set out to prove us wrong by, cooking the egg in the microwave and then showing us a cooked egg. "See? It's cooked" he said right before throwing it out.
-"What Hitler, he seceding": When I say his English was okay most of the time, the rest of the time he said things like that.
-Chinese People: Every time anyone or anything Chinese was mentioned he'd laugh to himself and say Chinese People, which was pretty great since we spent a good portion of that class talking about Mao Zedong.
-Why I call him Microwave Mike: I didn't hang around with him much, most of the time I only saw him in class but the one exception was the school's annual all-nighter thingy (they kept the school open all night and bought a bunch of food or whatever, I beat an albino kid in a watermelon eating duel but that's unrelated). One of the rooms they kept open was the cafeteria and the attached kitchen, Microwave Mike took an egg and a plate from the kitchen and came over to where my friends and I were. He said to us "You can cook an egg in the microwave" to which we replied "What? Why would you even mention that?" He took our reply as a sign that we didn't believe him and set out to prove us wrong by, cooking the egg in the microwave and then showing us a cooked egg. "See? It's cooked" he said right before throwing it out.
-"What Hitler, he seceding": When I say his English was okay most of the time, the rest of the time he said things like that.
-Chinese People: Every time anyone or anything Chinese was mentioned he'd laugh to himself and say Chinese People, which was pretty great since we spent a good portion of that class talking about Mao Zedong.
Rapmaster J Has a Question
Rapmaster J isn't too interesting, he fancied himself a rapper but wasn't very good. The only noteworthy thing he did was in the middle of class ask the teacher "Why is blood hard when I've got an erection?"
Some Guy at the YMCA
This one might need a bit of background information, but that background information is a three part story about taking a dump, and I doubt anyone's interested in that. So please enjoy this event without any appropriate context.
Two of my friends (let's call them Dwayne and Duane) were at the YMCA and they were getting ready to leave, Duane was still in the locker room and Dwayne had to ask a dude that worked there if he could go in to look for Duane. Dwayne found Duane so he could tell him that their ride was there and they could leave but when Dwayne left the locker room the dude that let him in asked if he found Duane. Dwayne said "Yeah, he's in there taking a dump." The dude working there asked as a follow up question "Was it big?"
Two of my friends (let's call them Dwayne and Duane) were at the YMCA and they were getting ready to leave, Duane was still in the locker room and Dwayne had to ask a dude that worked there if he could go in to look for Duane. Dwayne found Duane so he could tell him that their ride was there and they could leave but when Dwayne left the locker room the dude that let him in asked if he found Duane. Dwayne said "Yeah, he's in there taking a dump." The dude working there asked as a follow up question "Was it big?"
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Is it worth noting that her OC looks like a pony named Firefly? She was the proto-Rainbow Dash so Rainbow Dash is dating herself.Bridechu said:I just got in semi-contact with a real live pony tulpa fucker.
Redlight Ponyville (Jin's forum) imploded, but I found one of them, the (I think) sole female on DeviantArt and got her chatting a bit about ponies and Psychonauts. Honestly, it's kind of disappointing, though. Unlike true lolcows she knows not to talk about her crazy with outsiders and she has insanely low self esteem.
Here's a picture of her OC and her waifu:
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2013
Okay, here is a guy that seriously creeped me out.
My mother does online yardsells and she went to pick up something from this old lady and her nineteen year old grandson was there.
His name was Cody and he was an aspie. For the record I am an aspie too and that is likely what started the conversation with my mom. He mentioned to her that he had no friends and my mom felt sorry for him and gave him my Facebook named and she came home and told me about him. Now, I thought it was weird that you would mention to someone that you barely knew that you had no friends. However, since my mom asked me to I decided to honor my mother's request and friend him.
BIG ASS MISTAKE.
The moment I friend him; he messages me. I am polite and the minute he starts talking before I know anything else; he starts pestering me to meet him in real life. I am not comfortable with meeting someone I barely know in real life and tell him I want to get to know him a bit more. However, he is like "I am not good at this online stuff; we really need to meet in real life." (However he did not nearly have as good spelling and grammar) I try to tell him that I am willing, but I need time to get to know him first, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. At one point he says well you're mom likes meeting in real life. I am thinking well I am not my mother and you only meet my mother for a few minutes. So how do you know what she likes?
Anyway, I try to start a conversation with him and I ask him, "What do you like to do?" He answers with "Pretty much everything" and then he asks "What do you think?" I am like "Think of what and he's like "What do you think of me." I am like boy, I don't know a thing about you other than you apparantly have no respect for my wishes. Finally, I get tired and creeped out of him and tell him I am going to watch a movie (I was already watching a movie on my laptop; Beauty and the Beast) and I go offline to him.
A few days later, he messages me asking to go out with lunch with him and his grandma. I am having flashbacks to the Emily date and block him. However, that was not the end of it. He friended my mother and had begun to whine to about her to me. She kept telling him to slow down with me and stop pressuring me, but he wouldn't. When. I finally block him he goes on an complete tirade.
He wrote several paragraphs long messages to her starting with "To whom it may concern...." It was a whine feast with him saying he had done nothing wrong and how I was being mean to him. He said that I didn't have the right to ignore him at all. He called me an outright traitor to him and went on about how non-Christian I was acting (When did I ever mention I was Christian?) He said I needed to ask Jesus for forgiveness and get a new heart.
My mom got tired of his shit and unfriended him. She promises she'll never try to get me friends again.
My mother does online yardsells and she went to pick up something from this old lady and her nineteen year old grandson was there.
His name was Cody and he was an aspie. For the record I am an aspie too and that is likely what started the conversation with my mom. He mentioned to her that he had no friends and my mom felt sorry for him and gave him my Facebook named and she came home and told me about him. Now, I thought it was weird that you would mention to someone that you barely knew that you had no friends. However, since my mom asked me to I decided to honor my mother's request and friend him.
BIG ASS MISTAKE.
The moment I friend him; he messages me. I am polite and the minute he starts talking before I know anything else; he starts pestering me to meet him in real life. I am not comfortable with meeting someone I barely know in real life and tell him I want to get to know him a bit more. However, he is like "I am not good at this online stuff; we really need to meet in real life." (However he did not nearly have as good spelling and grammar) I try to tell him that I am willing, but I need time to get to know him first, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. At one point he says well you're mom likes meeting in real life. I am thinking well I am not my mother and you only meet my mother for a few minutes. So how do you know what she likes?
Anyway, I try to start a conversation with him and I ask him, "What do you like to do?" He answers with "Pretty much everything" and then he asks "What do you think?" I am like "Think of what and he's like "What do you think of me." I am like boy, I don't know a thing about you other than you apparantly have no respect for my wishes. Finally, I get tired and creeped out of him and tell him I am going to watch a movie (I was already watching a movie on my laptop; Beauty and the Beast) and I go offline to him.
A few days later, he messages me asking to go out with lunch with him and his grandma. I am having flashbacks to the Emily date and block him. However, that was not the end of it. He friended my mother and had begun to whine to about her to me. She kept telling him to slow down with me and stop pressuring me, but he wouldn't. When. I finally block him he goes on an complete tirade.
He wrote several paragraphs long messages to her starting with "To whom it may concern...." It was a whine feast with him saying he had done nothing wrong and how I was being mean to him. He said that I didn't have the right to ignore him at all. He called me an outright traitor to him and went on about how non-Christian I was acting (When did I ever mention I was Christian?) He said I needed to ask Jesus for forgiveness and get a new heart.
My mom got tired of his shit and unfriended him. She promises she'll never try to get me friends again.
- Joined
- May 5, 2013
"Anyway, I try to start a conversation with him and I ask him, "What do you like to do?" He answers with "Pretty much everything" and then he asks "What do you think?" I am like "Think of what and he's like "What do you think of me."
I remember you telling me about this before, this gave me a huge WTF moment.
I remember you telling me about this before, this gave me a huge WTF moment.
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Mauvman Shuffleboard said:
I'm actually intrigued by this. Did you get a prize?!
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2013
Oh, another thing I just asked my mom how she knew he didn't have any friends and she said his grandmother brought it up, and he responded with "Yeah, they're all traitors."
Bridechu
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2013
revengeofphil said:
Wow, you're right, same colour scheme. Not to mention Faust's canon is that Firefly is RD's mother. She either requested or commissioned another artist to do one that's significantly different; coat is more peach than pink, and the hair is a lot shorter. Maybe she noticed and changed it. If not, she does have a vaguely bad relationship with her family (what brony doesn't?), so maybe it's a Freudian slip.
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
pickleniggo said:
The only prizes were an entire watermelon and a smug sense of superiority. You see, the watermelon thing wasn't really a scheduled event or anything, just me and Mr. Albino kid went up to one of the people organizing it and asked if they could buy two watermelons because we wanted to see if we were capable of eating an entire watermelon in one sitting. When we got there it got turned into a competition and we were each given spoons with which to eat the melons, about half way through the melons we agreed we couldn't eat it in a single sitting but would come back to them throughout the night until they were done. Either Dwayne or Duane from the previous story, I forget which karate chopped my remaining melon in half and the other Duane/Dwayne did a spin kick to knock the Mr. Albino's on the floor. I came back to my melon later, finished it and wore the peel as a helmet. Got melon juice all in my hair and it got sticky and hard and it wasn't very pleasant, but at least I didn't lose.
Bonus "fun" fact, out of the 3 times I ate an excessive amount of a food in that cafeteria the watermelon was the only food I liked (pudding and maple syrup being the other two, that pudding was fucking ass and I ate like 8 bowls of it because they had to get rid of it).
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2013
I... I mean, congratulations on not losing the watermelon contest, but it almost sounds like you're proposing yourself as your own personal lolcow. If so, nothing wrong with that, remotely even at all. It really does make it rather personal, but who has a better right?
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013