Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Uzumaki]

When I was in college, before I even knew who Chris-Chan was or that lolcows were a thing, my friends and I referred to interacting with lolcows as "tard baiting". Only we didn't have the good sense to find these people on the internet, we went to school with ours. The guy who I still think of when Chris-chan stuff comes up, my first personal lolcow, was none other than Dave Henry: Champion of Justice. The parallels between himself and Chris are eerie, except instead of wanting to be a famous comic artist/video game player Dave wanted to be a famous comedian/demagogue.

His website has been down for years. I was hoping to use the wayback machine to take you with me on a magical journey through my memories back to 2005-2006, around there, but it turns out the best stuff wasn't archived.

Here's the main page anyway, a few of the pages were crawled but none of the good ones.

http://web.archive.org/web/20080124163046/http://www.championofjustice.ca/

I'm a little upset now, I thought I was going to be able to show examples as I explained (edit: although see below). I suppose I can just relay some "sagas" in anecdotal form.

The thing that stands out the most in my mind was the "Ask the Champ" section. Dave would take e-mails and post his replies to them. 100% of the e-mails on this page were written by my friends and myself, we would send him at least one a day. As we went on we kept getting bolder; I sent him at least three e-mails signed using different feminizations of my name, and one where my name was an anagram. Finally, in a move we would always attempt to top but never could, someone (I wish it was me) convinced Dave that Paula Zahn read out and commented on one of his "rants" on CNN. The person supposedly writing to confirm this information referred to Paula as "a wretched crotch-bleeder". Dave still bought it hook, line and sinker.

Another event with parallels to Chris was the "Jack Trenton Saga". In it this one a person, who I won't name but who was basically Dave's Clyde Cash, wrote Dave claiming to be a big-shot TV producer (with a free e-mail account, natch) named Jack Trenton. Jack asked Dave to write a pilot episode for a TV show, and he did. When I lost access to my old hotmail account the archives of these e-mails (and the script itself) were lost forever, but it was a thing of beauty. The premise of the show was that a bunch of roommates (Dave and his friends) would watch TV all day as a framing devices for sketches. It was the greatest thing in the world and the fact that none of us have copies of it anymore is a travesty. Holy crap I found it in a really old backup, uploading now. http://speedy.sh/9ctd7/Dave-s-sitcom-script.rtf Full length motherfu-

He was also a wiccan, believed in ghosts, and one time at a party refused to enter this public park because he said he could see all the spirits haunting it.

Well this kind of sucked. I just want to point out that when I started writing this I thought I'd have webpages to reference. Say what you want about me being boring, I'm no quitter!

Edit: Ooooh shit, he's not that good at deleting fucking everything: https://myspace.com/thechampofjustice/video/short-1/1020762

Edit Edit: Encyclopedia Dramatica page: https://encyclopediadramatica.es/index.php?title=Dave_Henry&oldid=452723

Edit Edit Edit: Really glad I did this now, I found a bunch of stuff I thought was lost.

 

[Picklepower]

My personal lolcow always has been and probably always will be yaoi fangirls. While I generally hate weebs it's hard for me to hate this group because despite their the most deranged of weebs, theu are also the funniest and easiest to troll due to how illogical the are.

I wanted to make a thread of them here on lolcow, but I'm not sure if it's a good enough topic.

Oh man, even though I like Yaoi stuff, (I once had an embarrassing account on a yaoi forum) the fan girls are really bad. Especially since a lot of yaoi fan girls are like 16, and don't really know what real sex is like, its funny when those types write fan fics. I am friends with a couple Yaoi fangirls that can be unintentionally funny. From my experience it seems that the yaoi fan girls, are into the light, non pornographic, just shirtless guys maybe hugging, stuff. While it is the male Yaoi fans that enjoy the really dirty, pornographic Yaoi.

 

[hm yeah]

So, my little lolcow, DMW had suddenly become very perverted, or at least more open about it. See, I first thought he was just another cartoonpedo, then thought he was touched wrong and kind of "locked" at the age of 6-8, now I'm thinking he's a mix of both, but nothing conclusive. I kind of wonder what he's like apart from his...big fixation that every bit of his deviantart activity revolves around.

Spoiler

DMW: Can I request [little boy] having his pants and penis filled with soda?

Spoiler

DMW: Thanks. Can I request a story of Z____, S____, P____, D____, and R_______ all getting themselves a mustard bike pump each to fill [little girl]'s pants to the size of a planet, then a galaxy, then the universe until her pants pop and afterwards they decided to cover [little girl] with mustard from the mustard bike pumps, and they decided to do D____ next as everyone else plugged the pumps' hoses in D____'s pants and pump her pants up with tons of mustard to the size of a planet, a galaxy, then the universe until her pants exploded, and they cover her with mustard as well, then they decide to call and irder [little boy] to wear a mustard yellow suit and Z____ plugs her mustard pump to his right arm sleeve, S____ plugs her's to his left arm sleeve, P____ plugs her's to his left pant leg, R_______ plugs her's to his right pant leg, D____ plugs her's to the rear of his suit, and [little girl], with an extra mustard bike pump, plugs her's to the front of his suit near his vagina, and they all pump and pump mustard in [little boy]'s suit as each of the females have a mustard bike pump to fill [little boy]'s suit to the brim, as all the opening of the suit are sealed as no mustard will escape. [little boy]'s suit fill up to the size of a planet, then a galaxy, and when his suit is the size of the universe, they keep pumping until the suit explodes, and they use the pumps to cover [little boy] nonstop, especially his vagina? All with dialog and not too short?

He's obssessed with this very much underaged little boy character, and the closely related little girl character. This is the same little boy who he requested a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL on deviantART to draw a picture of with a soda-filled penis. I guess since all of his comments have involved the words "inflate" and "vagina" over and over and over (like, 3 times in each comment he's been writing lately) that he forgot that...god dammit what am I about to write here. Holy shit.

what has happened to my meek little lolcow???

 

[Charon]

This person was once the resident manager of a psychological facility I was at as a kid and is at the same company on the board of directors now. She was very condescending, rude and critical of clients when she displayed what she criticized to the same degree or more so, abused & exploited her pets for her own enjoyment, put ziploc bags of shaved infected matted dog hair or feces in refrigerators where clients' food and medication are stored, has taken assorted house pets out into the mountains or woods when she grew bored of them or they had medical issues, made Craigslist and Facebook posts baaawwwing and attention-whoring for supposedly "lost" or "stolen" pets that she dumped in wildlands to end up as a meal for a cougar, bear or coyote. Numerous people confronted her about it and she denied any wrongdoing, and threatened to call the police on me for calling her what she was and is, an abuser of vulnerable people and pets. She is still attention-whoring and personal-army-requesting on Craigslist about a Bengal cat that "ran away" but an acquaintance of her confirmed was dumped in mountain foothills, in the face of mass flagging.

This bitch makes me even madder than how CWC and treat the beagles and cats. If I wasn't a renter applying for a psychiatric service dog I'd gladly have taken the cats off her hands.

 

[TopperHay]

I knew a girl in highschool who was basically the female version of CWC. She was autistic, homophobic, had her own clutch of Mary Sues and "original" characters (who were recoloured/genderswapped versions of Marvel and DC superheroes) and she genuinely believed that Krypto the Superdog was her own creation. She hung around me and my friends because we liked to draw and would hang over us like a 'spergy vulture adding her own inane commentary to what we were sketching at the time. She eventually took the hint and stopped bothering us after a while, but the creepiest thing happened after I left highschool when she found out where I used to live and asked my mother where I was and kept pestering her for my new address. Not even CWC was as pro-active as that to track down his old...aquaintances.

There are also two other Lolcows I know from DeviantArt. One is a guy in his mid-twenties who draws like an 8 year old and compares his art style to Marvel comics (par for the course on DA, I know) and everytime he enters a Livestream session, he won't shut up about his characters and expects everyone to know them even though he doesn't draw them that much. I also suspect he comes to Livestreams just to get a free drawing of his characters.

The other is a young woman whom I've known since 2006 and she hasn't changed at all since I've known her. She's a love freak and has a habit of creating bland, glurgey Mary Sues. She usually draws them only once, writes a huge bio for them, and it's unlikely that she'll ever draw them again and just hop to the next Sue. It's usually established franchises she latches onto but recently she's targeted a few other folks on DA to shoehorn her "characters" into. I happen to be one of them. It's weird to have a legit, non piss-takey Mary Sue created especially for a world you've worked hard to create only to have it marred by someone having borderline masturbatory fantasies about one of the characters (who in my case happens to be underage). I'd also like to point out that she's "in love" with a guy on the internet that she hasn't even met in real life.

 

[hopietan]

I have two stories about personal lolcows to share.

One was this girl who used to go to my high school, let's call her A. This guy who I'll call B who we welcomed into our small nerd group, invited her into the group without our permission so that's how I got to know her. Anyways, she would constantly boast about having this wonderful boyfriend who supposedly lived in our town. She would continue talking about him throughout the rest of the school year until summer came. When the new school year started she was in my English class, and it seems she had forgotten about her boyfriend. She was obsessed with B, and she would constantly talk about him in the class to me and this other girl. I wasn't very close to A yet the question of what happened to her boyfriend was in my mind. In October though, after obsessing over B for a month, she brought up her boyfriend again which me and my friend would listen about. Finally in November, she came into the class late and crying claiming that her boyfriend died. This made it into super drama in the class but oh well at this time I actually felt legitimately bad for her since I didn't know her too well at the time so I believed her story. I was friends with her on facebook so we saw so many statuses about it. Eventually next semester came and once again A was in another class of mine this time Home Ec. Since A was the only person I knew in the class, I ended up joining her group again but this time I met new friends as well. At the beginning of the semester, A was bragging about her new boyfriend and she showed pictures. This when I became mainly suspicious about her, because the pictures looked like a stereotypical picture you could find on google by searching for "hot emo guy." One day when A was absent (This was pretty much 3-4 times a week, she missed school a whole lot and ended up failing high school), the girl in my group pulled me aside to show me something funny. She searched for a famous photographers name and found the same picture that A showed us. A week later A came to us crying telling us that her new boyfriend died too. This is when we all became suspicious and decided that A was just a big liar. We live in a city where pretty much any news is news, so I became extra curious and did my own searching. I looked for accidents/death that occured in November that A claimed that her boyfriend died in and I could find no accounts which fit the stories that she would tell. I couldn't search for the newest case though because she barely gave us any information about his death or even name, probably because she knew she couldn't keep up with her own lies. Another odd thing was, there was no pictures of her and this guy on facebook when she is the type of girl who posts pretty much every photo she takes with friends there are even a few with me even though I was barely a friend. This is when I warned B and other friends in our group that we should be cautious of A because she tells a lot of bullshit. B knew this, yet he still kept her around because he pretty much pitied her because she had no other friends even though she lied to him about other things than about her "dead boyfriend" like telling him that she got raped multiple times.

Another lolcow I knew was online. I made a chatroom for people from an old community I used to hang out in, for them to frequent. This guy saw the link on my profile and decided to join in too. Either way, at first he was fine but then he began to get boring. He would constantly tell us about the first community he was in and how they were all ]P . This would end up becoming a broken record since he would constantly tell us about those ]P . This was about three years ago too, so my friends and I just got sick of him and being the immature weens we were pretty much bullied him out of hanging out in the chatroom. I apologized for my actions since I was a very immature 15 year old girl at the time so we ended up on neutral terms but haven't really spoken since. The few times he does message me now is to complain about how the world hates him and even if I reply he doesn't respond back. Another weird thing, if I look at his dA then he ends up commenting on my page asking "Why were you looking at my page?" This may not be weird behaviour but I know he stalks me and my friends chat constantly even now even though it's a thing of the past. Even if we mention him slightly, (It's a chat that can have several pages in a day) he somehow finds out and ends up lurking for hours. Another thing is that he draws like he is 3 with the heavy crayons, I'm not exaggerating either because you barely can tell that he drew a character with the way he draws. CWC's art is actually much better when compared to his. Anyways, the guy I'm talking about is pretty boring now and supposedly he's isolated himself from online communities however very often he makes facebook statuses about how he is so much better than anyone who frequents online because he has a life, pretty much sperging on how much better his life is than anyone's life is in the online communities he was in.

 

[babeintoyland]

I have friends from high school I'm trying to not be around anymore. I pretty much grew up while they didn't I will tell you about one.

The worst she did in the beginning was talk about me behind my back but then she showed her true colors and stole headphones from my friend said to my friend's face she isn't giving them back and used them in front of her. She had sex with my other friend and he told her not to do something and she did it anyways then acted transphobic to him later on. She is also really crazy over the china like it makes her insane. I have no idea if this is a lesbian thing because I get crazy over girls too but not like her. Basically she will date a girl for a week the girl will break up with her and she will say how in love she was with this girl and how she wants to kill herself. She even is considering giving up a higher paying position at her job for this girl who broke her heart twice already so the girl can have it. She also talks about how she wants to rape girls and it's okay for girls to rape other girls just not guys raping girls.

 

[littlebiscuits]

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.

She must of hated changing clothes, because when I went to school that was pretty much the only reason why someone would fail.

 

[MysticMisty]

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.

She must of hated changing clothes, because when I went to school that was pretty much the only reason why someone would fail.

There were some defiant girls in my gym class who always refused to change for class. They probably thought they were the shit. I saw idiots who probably had pissed off parents every quarter.

 

[Surtur]

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.

How the fuck do you fail Gym? That shit is like an automatic A.

 

[Watcher]

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.

How the fuck do you fail Gym? That shit is like an automatic A.

If you don't show up or if you don't participate/do anything.

Most of Gym class is participatory, just if the instructor asks you to run a lap and you do it you usually just pass the course off. If you refuse or skip like half the classes then you usually flunk it.

It might be different in other schools though. In my high school we also had to do a few aptitude tests like having to run a certain amount of laps in a certain amount of time and stuff but I've never heard of anyone flunking the course because of it.

 

[Surtur]

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.

How the fuck do you fail Gym? That shit is like an automatic A.

If you don't show up or if you don't participate/do anything.

Most of Gym class is participatory, just if the instructor asks you to run a lap and you do it you usually just pass the course off. If you refuse or skip like half the classes then you usually flunk it.

But its so easy....

 

[Watcher]

But its so easy....

mmm yeah

 

[Springblossom]

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.

How the fuck do you fail Gym? That shit is like an automatic A.

If you don't show up or if you don't participate/do anything.

Most of Gym class is participatory, just if the instructor asks you to run a lap and you do it you usually just pass the course off. If you refuse or skip like half the classes then you usually flunk it.

It might be different in other schools though. In my high school we also had to do a few aptitude tests like having to run a certain amount of laps in a certain amount of time and stuff but I've never heard of anyone flunking the course because of it.

At my high school, Gym and Health were combined into one class (you alternate between Gym and Health). I know a couple people who did alright in Gym, but just slept through Health and ended up failing and having to retake it.

 

[littlebiscuits]

This girl took not participating in gym to an Olympic level. Not changing into shorts and sneakers was just the tip of the iceberg. On days that she did change for gym, she would stand the corner of the room like a zombie, refusing to move or play. She was super overweight and didn't like to run around. I should also add that at our school, if running around wasn't your thing, you could bring a yoga mat and do yoga or aerobics to a little instructional video in a different room. There was literally no reason not to pass gym or get an A.

She failed all four years of gym. All. Four. Years.

 

[Surtur]

This girl took not participating in gym to an Olympic level. Not changing into shorts and sneakers was just the tip of the iceberg. On days that she did change for gym, she would stand the corner of the room like a zombie, refusing to move or play. She was super overweight and didn't like to run around. I should also add that at our school, if running around wasn't your thing, you could bring a yoga mat and do yoga or aerobics to a little instructional video in a different room. There was literally no reason not to pass gym or get an A.

She failed all four years of gym. All. Four. Years.

Once again, your avatar is my reaction.

 

[JarlaxleBaenre]

The possible influx of new users are my potential herd of lolcows.

 

[Big Bad Bert]

The possible influx of new users are my potential herd of lolcows.

Aaaaand here come the horrible memories of my first forum posts.

Repress, repress, repress.

Gallantmon8 and Sonmanic were pretty big lolcows, especially Sonmanic. They haven't really done anything notable as of late it seems.

 

[c-no]

The possible influx of new users are my potential herd of lolcows.

Aaaaand here come the horrible memories of my first forum posts.

Repress, repress, repress.

Gallantmon8 and Sonmanic were pretty big lolcows, especially Sonmanic. They haven't really done anything notable as of late it seems.

Last time I saw a picture of Sonmanic it was from Know Your Meme but I think someone may of took it down, luckily my friend gave me the link of the picture:

Spoiler