Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Clockwork_PurBle]

wot

~ sarcasm ~

Also 1st - 12th grade, or 13 years if you count kindergarten.

 

[Marco Fucko]

Not even my personal cow but a friends. Eastern European old school Runescape streamer with a chubby Arabian girlfriend. My buddy sends me links to his twitch stream whenever there is drama going on between him and the girlfriend.

Highlights:

• He was apparently a virgin until 27
• They live in Amsterdam, I think
• His sister sounds like a ghetto white girl even though she is also presumably from EE
• Chat thinks he's a literal cuckold because he walked in on two arabic guys groping his gf, now say his baby will come out black and spam trihard
• If his gf unplugs the ethernet cable he will call the police
• He continuously wanted to end one argument so he could go get weed before it got too late (probably around 30 minutes)
• They've only been in a relationship for a year, 6 months online and 6 months IRL
• The gf tries to isolate him from his family and asks him why he gives his sister so much attention

 

[Kaiser Wilhelm's Ghost]

Favorite personal Lolcow is a person I work with who I'm on friendly terms with and we hang out occasionally.
He has some major personality disorders, like over inflated ego, larger than life sense of self importance, and literally loves claiming how important he is.

I've made it my life mission to pull him down a peg or two on so many different things, that he thinks things about my personality that I've fueled by my interactions with him but aren't true in real life.

For one, he thinks that I hate Portuguese people. I don't, I just shit talk them whenever he's around because he thinks they're the best people ever, and gets really angry when I call them the lazy Mexicans of Spain.

It sounds horrible, but part the fun of hanging out with him is observing his over the top behavior IRL, and calling him out on his bullshit.

 

[KeeweeFirms]

This is a tough one. I would have to say "furries", but I don't know that they make me lol. It's more frustrating. I'll meet someone who is generally well rounded and has some cool things going for them and then they drop the "Oh yeah btw you should come to this party but just FYI its a furry party you are cool with that right?" and I'm just thinking "Why?". Like, don't get me wrong, I'm into some niche stuff quite heavily. I'm a total synthesizer geek, and there are times when people ask me about my music and I go on these long winded technical rants that they probably have no context for, which is probably rather annoying.

But the furry thing? I don't get it. It makes me uncomfortable. They say it's a "fandom" and when I reply with "What are you a 'fan' of then" I never get a good answer. Like, I say I'm an industrial musician and music fan, and I suppose it sounds better to say you are a "furry" than a "cartoon bestiality enthusiast" but I don't really see a difference between the latter two.

And those well rounded people I mentioned? They are in the extreme minority. Its one thing to laugh at cringe videos but being at a party full of extremely anti-social and awkward people is not a good time. I'm told that the best thing about it is that there is "no judgement", which sounds like a decent idea in theory but it doesn't work out as well as it sounds. They tend to form these echo chambers of "corrupted social nuance" and no one is there to be like "Hey, dude, ease up on that annoying thing you are doing".

Humans learn from each other socially, and if your only exposure to human interaction is with social idiots, then shit is not going to be easy for you should you decide to leave that social circle. So it's isolation that reinforces itself. It's just an all around bad idea.

Maybe someone can explain the appeal to me?

 

[yasscat]

~ sarcasm ~

Also 1st - 12th grade, or 13 years if you count kindergarten.

you said high school that you went to for 12 years tho

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

So my personal cow is now a personal cow for the entire family, and she's in danger of losing custody of one her children because she won't stop chimping out, lying, and powerleveling out the ass when being asked questions in court. Then again, I didn't expect much from a hate filled piece of white trash that has zero redeeming qualities at all. My parents joked that they should've come to the hearing for the sole reason of bringing popcorn, and I compared it to a clown show, along with saying that she has a brain of Swiss cheese. To make it even better, she has symptoms that correlate with paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. She's also fat and diabetic.

 

[yasscat]

So my personal cow is now a personal cow for the entire family, and she's in danger of losing custody of one her children because she won't stop chimping out, lying, and powerleveling out the ass when being asked questions in court. Then again, I didn't expect much from a hate filled piece of white trash that has zero redeeming qualities at all. My parents joked that they should've come to the hearing for the sole reason of bringing popcorn, and I compared it to a clown show, along with saying that she has a brain of Swiss cheese. To make it even better, she has symptoms that correlate with paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. She's also fat and diabetic.

details pls. any fun specific stories?

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

details pls. any fun specific stories?

• She rearranges her entire house every two weeks.
• Bought a new car with money going to the child
• Used child's college money to buy a $5000 grill
• Regularly screams at her children
• Gets into arguments with my friend's lawyer only to get laughed at by said lawyer and the judge
• Projects HARD (she calls my friend a narcissist despite screeching about how he should change everything for HER)
• Endorses animal abuse
• Endorses child abuse
• Regularly breaks the spirit of the court order (more like she rapes it)
• Lets her 10 year old son take his meds unsupervised
• Lets random strangers into her house when my friend's child is around
• Smokes weed while having my friend's child
• Lies so much that you wonder why she hasn't been hit with fraud (ironically, she works for a bank in the fraud department)
• Regularly interrupts my friend when getting his own child
• Purposefully agitates her own child
• Lives with her mother
• Lives in the middle of fucking buttfuck nowhere in Virginia
• Fat

 

[TheImportantFart]

This is a story that started over in the Retail Horrors Thread over two years ago. Eventually it stopped being a retail horror story and became a Personal Lolcow story, so the proper place for further updates is here.

Here is a link to all the previous entries in this saga for newcomers:

Rufus Wars: A New Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Strikes Back

Rufus Wars: Return of the Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Awakens

Rufus Wars: The Last Spergout

Spergo: A Rufus Wars Story

Rufus Wars Episode I: The Phantom Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode II: Attack of the Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sperg

For those of you who don't want to read all that, I'll give you a quick summary to bring you up to speed:

Rufus (that's not his real name - it's a pseudonym to protect his real identity) is a massive Star Wars sperg who used to work with my sister's boyfriend at a restaurant. He got fired for being unable to stop sperging about Star Wars and in retaliation has twice attacked the restaurant dressed as a Jedi.

Since his firing, he's only become more deranged. He's engaged in a self-destructive crusade to destroy Disney's Star Wars films which has resulted in him getting fired from another job at a multimedia retailer, being arrested by the police for stealing his parent's car to go and hate watch Solo: A Star Wars Story and getting banned multiple times from his local cinemas for disruptive behaviour. And that's just a quick sample. I didn't even go into the stuff he used to do as a kid.

Rufus's story has now taken quite the interesting twist and so I'm very excited to finally present:

Rufus Wars: The Rise of Spergwalker

Thanks to @dunbrine47 for the title!

Recently, Rufus has taken his campaign to get rid of Disney's Star Wars to the next level. He's written an entirely new script for Star Wars Episode VII and sent it to Lucasfilm, together with a letter demanding that the new films be declared non-canon, the franchise be sold back to George Lucas and that George Lucas directs his script for Episode VII.

He's been shilling his script anywhere he can, even joining the dreaded Facebook to do so. That's pretty much the only reason he joined Facebook, although he slightly scuppered himself by only making his posts visible to friends (and he doesn't have many of those - as will become apparent to newcomers, he isn't the brightest bulb in the box, although it could also be because he's aware Kiwis are keeping an eye out for him).

His sister is on his friends list and she was kind enough to send me a screenshot of him advertising his script:

I followed the dropbox link (which wasn't blanked out in the original screenshot) and am now the proud possessor of Rufus's Episode VII script and his letter to Lucasfilm.

So how is his Episode VII script?

In a word: amazing.

Absolutely fucking amazing.

On so many levels.

I want to see this thing filmed. Or at the very least performed. This has the potential to be The Room or Birdemic levels of so bad it's good. I mean, how can you not love lines like this?:

I would love to have a camera in the mailroom at Lucasfilm to see the poor sap who opens the letter and finds this.

And don't worry good Kiwis, I wouldn't tease you with something this amazing and not share the whole thing. The script and Rufus's letter are attached to this post (with his name and address redacted by me).

For those who can't be bothered to read the whole thing (I recommend you do - you won't be sorry), the plot goes something like this:

Set eighteen years after Return of the Jedi, the script opens with Luke being sent by the Jedi Council to investigate a disturbance in the Force on the world of Hypori. Once there, he's attacked by a cloaked figure and forced to retreat.

Meanwhile, Han and his son (who I shit you not is called Jace ) are on a smuggling mission when they're forced to land at Cloud City by a TIE Fighter and encounter some Stormtroopers. Meanwhile on Coruscant, there's an explosion in the Jedi Temple archives killing fifty Jedi (this plot thread goes absolutely nowhere).

Shortly afterwards, Coruscant is attacked by a small fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers. Han and Jace are caught up in the battle as they return from Cloud City. During the battle, the cloaked figure from earlier sneaks into the Jedi Temple and steals some Holocrons. He escapes Coruscant after losing a lightsaber duel to Leia and the Star Destroyers in orbit retreat.

That night, Luke is visited by the ghosts of Obi-Wan and Anakin who tell him to go to the third moon of Serenno. Once there, he encounters the cloaked figure who reveals himself as Darth Rondus. The names in this script are fucking hilarious. Look at what he called one of the Grand Moffs:

Darth Rondus shows Luke a huge Imperial army preparing to attack Coruscant. Luke has R2-D2 send a distress call to the Jedi who attack the moon in a fleet of Jedi Starfighters. Luke escapes after slicing off Darth Rondus's hand and flees back to Coruscant with the rest of the Jedi to prepare for the attack. Darth Rondus returns to his mysterious master to report in and is punished for allowing Luke to escape with bombardments of Sith Lightning (or "lightening" as it's spelled sometimes in the script).

The script ends with Luke and the Galactic Alliance (the replacement for the Republic)'s Fleet preparing for the attack.

Some superficial observations about the script:

• The script is far too short to be feature length. Most scripts for major motion pictures clock in at around 120 pages. This one's 70, which used to be standard length for a 45-minute television script.
• Spelling and grammatical errors. So fucking many.
• Continuing that point, the script ends very abruptly. It feels like what was supposed to be the big battle at the end was cut. My guess is Rufus is holding stuff back for a potential Episode VIII script as he'd probably run through all his material for a sequel trilogy if this was 120 pages.
• While it's clear Rufus has some knowledge of script formatting and terminology, this isn't even close to industry standard formatting. It's painfully clear this was written in Microsoft Word. Professional screenwriting software isn't cheap, but there is free stuff out there which does most of the things you need in terms of formatting a script.
• For someone who's supposedly so knowledgeable of the Expanded Universe, Rufus really hasn't plumbed that knowledge when writing this script. The most exciting concepts he can come up with are a rather lame space battle, a few lightsaber duels and some rather perfunctory chase scenes.
• Rufus has used almost no Expanded Universe characters in his script, apparently preferring to construct new ones himself (although Jacen and Jaina Solo get a mention - maybe they're being held back for the next film too). I'm not complaining since we get some hilarious names out of it, but quite why he chose to give Han a son called "Jace", which is a hair's breadth away from "Jacen" is beyond me. My only guess is that Jace may be a self-insert to replace Anakin Solo.
• For some reason, Rufus thought it would be a good idea to include a swearing joke in a Star Wars film:

So there you have it. I'm half-considering doing a dramatic reading of the script, so if there's any other Kiwis who'd like to chip in, let me know.

Link to @CWCissey's hilarious summary of the script.

 

[dunbrine47]

Good to keep in mind when Null decides to start up a production company.

 

[CWCissey]

This is a story that started over in the Retail Horrors Thread over two years ago. Eventually it stopped being a retail horror story and became a Personal Lolcow story, so the proper place for further updates is here.

Here is a link to all the previous entries in this saga for newcomers:

Rufus Wars: A New Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Strikes Back

Rufus Wars: Return of the Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Awakens

Rufus Wars: The Last Spergout

Spergo: A Rufus Wars Story

Rufus Wars Episode I: The Phantom Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode II: Attack of the Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sperg

For those of you who don't want to read all that, I'll give you a quick summary to bring you up to speed:

Rufus (that's not his real name - it's a pseudonym to protect his real identity) is a massive Star Wars sperg who used to work with my sister's boyfriend at a restaurant. He got fired for being unable to stop sperging about Star Wars and in retaliation has twice attacked the restaurant dressed as a Jedi.

Since his firing, he's only become more deranged. He's engaged in a self-destructive crusade to destroy Disney's Star Wars films which has resulted in him getting fired from another job at a multimedia retailer, being arrested by the police for stealing his parent's car to go and hate watch Solo: A Star Wars Story and getting banned multiple times from his local cinemas for disruptive behaviour. And that's just a quick sample. I didn't even go into the stuff he used to do as a kid.

Rufus's story has now taken quite the interesting twist and so I'm very excited to finally present:

Rufus Wars: Episode IX
(I was sort of hoping we'd have the title for the new film by now, but I'll just edit this post later to change it once it's been revealed)

Recently, Rufus has taken his campaign to get rid of Disney's Star Wars to the next level. He's written an entirely new script for Star Wars Episode VII and sent it to Lucasfilm, together with a letter demanding that the new films be declared non-canon, the franchise be sold back to George Lucas and that George Lucas directs his script for Episode VII.

He's been shilling his script anywhere he can, even joining the dreaded Facebook to do so. That's pretty much the only reason he joined Facebook, although he slightly scuppered himself by only making his posts visible to friends (and he doesn't have many of those - as will become apparent to newcomers, he isn't the brightest bulb in the box, although it could also be because he's aware Kiwis are keeping an eye out for him).

His sister is on his friends list and she was kind enough to send me a screenshot of him advertising his script:

View attachment 719440

I followed the dropbox link (which wasn't blanked out in the original screenshot) and am now the proud possessor of Rufus's Episode VII script and his letter to Lucasfilm.

So how is his Episode VII script?

In a word: amazing.

Absolutely fucking amazing.

On so many levels.

I want to see this thing filmed. Or at the very least performed. This has the potential to be The Room or Birdemic levels of so bad it's good. I mean, how can you not love lines like this?:

View attachment 719442

I would love to have a camera in the mailroom at Lucasfilm to see the poor sap who opens the letter and finds this.

And don't worry good Kiwis, I wouldn't tease you with something this amazing and not share the whole thing. The script and Rufus's letter are attached to this post (with his name and address redacted by me).

For those who can't be bothered to read the whole thing (I recommend you do - you won't be sorry), the plot goes something like this:

Set eighteen years after Return of the Jedi, the script opens with Luke being sent by the Jedi Council to investigate a disturbance in the Force on the world of Hypori. Once there, he's attacked by a cloaked figure and forced to retreat.

Meanwhile, Han and his son (who I shit you not is called Jace ) are on a smuggling mission when they're forced to land at Cloud City by a TIE Fighter and encounter some Stormtroopers. Meanwhile on Coruscant, there's an explosion in the Jedi Temple archives killing fifty Jedi (this plot thread goes absolutely nowhere).

Shortly afterwards, Coruscant is attacked by a small fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers. Han and Jace are caught up in the battle as they return from Cloud City. During the battle, the cloaked figure from earlier sneaks into the Jedi Temple and steals some Holocrons. He escapes Coruscant after losing a lightsaber duel to Leia and the Star Destroyers in orbit retreat.

That night, Luke is visited by the ghosts of Obi-Wan and Anakin who tell him to go to the third moon of Serenno. Once there, he encounters the cloaked figure who reveals himself as Darth Rondus. The names in this script are fucking hilarious. Look at what he called one of the Grand Moffs:

View attachment 719458

Darth Rondus shows Luke a huge Imperial army preparing to attack Coruscant. Luke has R2-D2 send a distress call to the Jedi who attack the moon in a fleet of Jedi Starfighters. Luke escapes after slicing off Darth Rondus's hand and flees back to Coruscant with the rest of the Jedi to prepare for the attack. Darth Rondus returns to his mysterious master to report in and is punished for allowing Luke to escape with bombardments of Sith Lightning (or "lightening" as it's spelled sometimes in the script).

The script ends with Luke and the Galactic Alliance (the replacement for the Republic)'s Fleet preparing for the attack.

Some superficial observations about the script:

• The script is far too short to be feature length. Most scripts for major motion pictures clock in at around 120 pages. This one's 70, which used to be standard length for a 45-minute television script.
• Spelling and grammatical errors. So fucking many.
• Continuing that point, the script ends very abruptly. It feels like what was supposed to be the big battle at the end was cut. My guess is Rufus is holding stuff back for a potential Episode VIII script as he'd probably run through all his material for a sequel trilogy if this was 120 pages.
• While it's clear Rufus has some knowledge of script formatting and terminology, this isn't even close to industry standard formatting. It's painfully clear this was written in Microsoft Word. Professional screenwriting software isn't cheap, but there is free stuff out there which does most of the things you need in terms of formatting a script.
• For someone who's supposedly so knowledgeable of the Expanded Universe, Rufus really hasn't plumbed that knowledge when writing this script. The most exciting concepts he can come up with are a rather lame space battle, a few lightsaber duels and some rather perfunctory chase scenes.
• Rufus has used almost no Expanded Universe characters in his script, apparently preferring to construct new ones himself (although Jacen and Jaina Solo get a mention - maybe they're being held back for the next film too). I'm not complaining since we get some hilarious names out of it, but quite why he chose to give Han a son called "Jace", which is a hair's breadth away from "Jacen" is beyond me. My only guess is that Jace may be a self-insert to replace Anakin Solo.
• For some reason, Rufus thought it would be a good idea to include a swearing joke in a Star Wars film:

View attachment 719465

So there you have it. I'm half-considering doing a dramatic reading of the script, so if there's any other Kiwis who'd like to chip in, let me know.

It would be an insult to every deity and religious figure to not do a dramatic reading.

And Rufus needs his own thread, shit's hilarious.

 

[Overcast]

This is a story that started over in the Retail Horrors Thread over two years ago. Eventually it stopped being a retail horror story and became a Personal Lolcow story, so the proper place for further updates is here.

Here is a link to all the previous entries in this saga for newcomers:

Rufus Wars: A New Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Strikes Back

Rufus Wars: Return of the Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Awakens

Rufus Wars: The Last Spergout

Spergo: A Rufus Wars Story

Rufus Wars Episode I: The Phantom Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode II: Attack of the Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sperg

For those of you who don't want to read all that, I'll give you a quick summary to bring you up to speed:

Rufus (that's not his real name - it's a pseudonym to protect his real identity) is a massive Star Wars sperg who used to work with my sister's boyfriend at a restaurant. He got fired for being unable to stop sperging about Star Wars and in retaliation has twice attacked the restaurant dressed as a Jedi.

Since his firing, he's only become more deranged. He's engaged in a self-destructive crusade to destroy Disney's Star Wars films which has resulted in him getting fired from another job at a multimedia retailer, being arrested by the police for stealing his parent's car to go and hate watch Solo: A Star Wars Story and getting banned multiple times from his local cinemas for disruptive behaviour. And that's just a quick sample. I didn't even go into the stuff he used to do as a kid.

Rufus's story has now taken quite the interesting twist and so I'm very excited to finally present:

Rufus Wars: Episode IX
(I was sort of hoping we'd have the title for the new film by now, but I'll just edit this post later to change it once it's been revealed)

Recently, Rufus has taken his campaign to get rid of Disney's Star Wars to the next level. He's written an entirely new script for Star Wars Episode VII and sent it to Lucasfilm, together with a letter demanding that the new films be declared non-canon, the franchise be sold back to George Lucas and that George Lucas directs his script for Episode VII.

He's been shilling his script anywhere he can, even joining the dreaded Facebook to do so. That's pretty much the only reason he joined Facebook, although he slightly scuppered himself by only making his posts visible to friends (and he doesn't have many of those - as will become apparent to newcomers, he isn't the brightest bulb in the box, although it could also be because he's aware Kiwis are keeping an eye out for him).

His sister is on his friends list and she was kind enough to send me a screenshot of him advertising his script:

View attachment 719440

I followed the dropbox link (which wasn't blanked out in the original screenshot) and am now the proud possessor of Rufus's Episode VII script and his letter to Lucasfilm.

So how is his Episode VII script?

In a word: amazing.

Absolutely fucking amazing.

On so many levels.

I want to see this thing filmed. Or at the very least performed. This has the potential to be The Room or Birdemic levels of so bad it's good. I mean, how can you not love lines like this?:

View attachment 719442

I would love to have a camera in the mailroom at Lucasfilm to see the poor sap who opens the letter and finds this.

And don't worry good Kiwis, I wouldn't tease you with something this amazing and not share the whole thing. The script and Rufus's letter are attached to this post (with his name and address redacted by me).

For those who can't be bothered to read the whole thing (I recommend you do - you won't be sorry), the plot goes something like this:

Set eighteen years after Return of the Jedi, the script opens with Luke being sent by the Jedi Council to investigate a disturbance in the Force on the world of Hypori. Once there, he's attacked by a cloaked figure and forced to retreat.

Meanwhile, Han and his son (who I shit you not is called Jace ) are on a smuggling mission when they're forced to land at Cloud City by a TIE Fighter and encounter some Stormtroopers. Meanwhile on Coruscant, there's an explosion in the Jedi Temple archives killing fifty Jedi (this plot thread goes absolutely nowhere).

Shortly afterwards, Coruscant is attacked by a small fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers. Han and Jace are caught up in the battle as they return from Cloud City. During the battle, the cloaked figure from earlier sneaks into the Jedi Temple and steals some Holocrons. He escapes Coruscant after losing a lightsaber duel to Leia and the Star Destroyers in orbit retreat.

That night, Luke is visited by the ghosts of Obi-Wan and Anakin who tell him to go to the third moon of Serenno. Once there, he encounters the cloaked figure who reveals himself as Darth Rondus. The names in this script are fucking hilarious. Look at what he called one of the Grand Moffs:

View attachment 719458

Darth Rondus shows Luke a huge Imperial army preparing to attack Coruscant. Luke has R2-D2 send a distress call to the Jedi who attack the moon in a fleet of Jedi Starfighters. Luke escapes after slicing off Darth Rondus's hand and flees back to Coruscant with the rest of the Jedi to prepare for the attack. Darth Rondus returns to his mysterious master to report in and is punished for allowing Luke to escape with bombardments of Sith Lightning (or "lightening" as it's spelled sometimes in the script).

The script ends with Luke and the Galactic Alliance (the replacement for the Republic)'s Fleet preparing for the attack.

Some superficial observations about the script:

• The script is far too short to be feature length. Most scripts for major motion pictures clock in at around 120 pages. This one's 70, which used to be standard length for a 45-minute television script.
• Spelling and grammatical errors. So fucking many.
• Continuing that point, the script ends very abruptly. It feels like what was supposed to be the big battle at the end was cut. My guess is Rufus is holding stuff back for a potential Episode VIII script as he'd probably run through all his material for a sequel trilogy if this was 120 pages.
• While it's clear Rufus has some knowledge of script formatting and terminology, this isn't even close to industry standard formatting. It's painfully clear this was written in Microsoft Word. Professional screenwriting software isn't cheap, but there is free stuff out there which does most of the things you need in terms of formatting a script.
• For someone who's supposedly so knowledgeable of the Expanded Universe, Rufus really hasn't plumbed that knowledge when writing this script. The most exciting concepts he can come up with are a rather lame space battle, a few lightsaber duels and some rather perfunctory chase scenes.
• Rufus has used almost no Expanded Universe characters in his script, apparently preferring to construct new ones himself (although Jacen and Jaina Solo get a mention - maybe they're being held back for the next film too). I'm not complaining since we get some hilarious names out of it, but quite why he chose to give Han a son called "Jace", which is a hair's breadth away from "Jacen" is beyond me. My only guess is that Jace may be a self-insert to replace Anakin Solo.
• For some reason, Rufus thought it would be a good idea to include a swearing joke in a Star Wars film:

View attachment 719465

So there you have it. I'm half-considering doing a dramatic reading of the script, so if there's any other Kiwis who'd like to chip in, let me know.

*Darth Rondus has Luke on the ground unable to move.

*Perfect opportunity to kill him.

*Instead of simply stabbing him, he jumps up really high into the air, does a somersault "for good measure", and then gets physically hit by the X-Wing on the way down.

What is this a Looney Tunes cartoon?

 

[Just A Butt]

I am not going to link anything, because my brother would murder me, but my personal cow is my sister-in-law.

She made protest signs for her kids (my niece and nephew) to carry around sperging about how bad Trump is; routinely brings them on protests, where we all know the best and brightest gather; and fed my poor nephew this sentence for a 1st grade grammar assignment:

“AOC trusted Bernie Sanders to do the right thing”

This was an assignment to use the word “trusted” in a sentence.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

This is a story that started over in the Retail Horrors Thread over two years ago. Eventually it stopped being a retail horror story and became a Personal Lolcow story, so the proper place for further updates is here.

Here is a link to all the previous entries in this saga for newcomers:

Rufus Wars: A New Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Strikes Back

Rufus Wars: Return of the Sperg

Rufus Wars: The Sperg Awakens

Rufus Wars: The Last Spergout

Spergo: A Rufus Wars Story

Rufus Wars Episode I: The Phantom Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode II: Attack of the Sperg

Rufus Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sperg

For those of you who don't want to read all that, I'll give you a quick summary to bring you up to speed:

Rufus (that's not his real name - it's a pseudonym to protect his real identity) is a massive Star Wars sperg who used to work with my sister's boyfriend at a restaurant. He got fired for being unable to stop sperging about Star Wars and in retaliation has twice attacked the restaurant dressed as a Jedi.

Since his firing, he's only become more deranged. He's engaged in a self-destructive crusade to destroy Disney's Star Wars films which has resulted in him getting fired from another job at a multimedia retailer, being arrested by the police for stealing his parent's car to go and hate watch Solo: A Star Wars Story and getting banned multiple times from his local cinemas for disruptive behaviour. And that's just a quick sample. I didn't even go into the stuff he used to do as a kid.

Rufus's story has now taken quite the interesting twist and so I'm very excited to finally present:

Rufus Wars: Episode IX
(I was sort of hoping we'd have the title for the new film by now, but I'll just edit this post later to change it once it's been revealed)

Recently, Rufus has taken his campaign to get rid of Disney's Star Wars to the next level. He's written an entirely new script for Star Wars Episode VII and sent it to Lucasfilm, together with a letter demanding that the new films be declared non-canon, the franchise be sold back to George Lucas and that George Lucas directs his script for Episode VII.

He's been shilling his script anywhere he can, even joining the dreaded Facebook to do so. That's pretty much the only reason he joined Facebook, although he slightly scuppered himself by only making his posts visible to friends (and he doesn't have many of those - as will become apparent to newcomers, he isn't the brightest bulb in the box, although it could also be because he's aware Kiwis are keeping an eye out for him).

His sister is on his friends list and she was kind enough to send me a screenshot of him advertising his script:

View attachment 719440

I followed the dropbox link (which wasn't blanked out in the original screenshot) and am now the proud possessor of Rufus's Episode VII script and his letter to Lucasfilm.

So how is his Episode VII script?

In a word: amazing.

Absolutely fucking amazing.

On so many levels.

I want to see this thing filmed. Or at the very least performed. This has the potential to be The Room or Birdemic levels of so bad it's good. I mean, how can you not love lines like this?:

View attachment 719442

I would love to have a camera in the mailroom at Lucasfilm to see the poor sap who opens the letter and finds this.

And don't worry good Kiwis, I wouldn't tease you with something this amazing and not share the whole thing. The script and Rufus's letter are attached to this post (with his name and address redacted by me).

For those who can't be bothered to read the whole thing (I recommend you do - you won't be sorry), the plot goes something like this:

Set eighteen years after Return of the Jedi, the script opens with Luke being sent by the Jedi Council to investigate a disturbance in the Force on the world of Hypori. Once there, he's attacked by a cloaked figure and forced to retreat.

Meanwhile, Han and his son (who I shit you not is called Jace ) are on a smuggling mission when they're forced to land at Cloud City by a TIE Fighter and encounter some Stormtroopers. Meanwhile on Coruscant, there's an explosion in the Jedi Temple archives killing fifty Jedi (this plot thread goes absolutely nowhere).

Shortly afterwards, Coruscant is attacked by a small fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers. Han and Jace are caught up in the battle as they return from Cloud City. During the battle, the cloaked figure from earlier sneaks into the Jedi Temple and steals some Holocrons. He escapes Coruscant after losing a lightsaber duel to Leia and the Star Destroyers in orbit retreat.

That night, Luke is visited by the ghosts of Obi-Wan and Anakin who tell him to go to the third moon of Serenno. Once there, he encounters the cloaked figure who reveals himself as Darth Rondus. The names in this script are fucking hilarious. Look at what he called one of the Grand Moffs:

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Darth Rondus shows Luke a huge Imperial army preparing to attack Coruscant. Luke has R2-D2 send a distress call to the Jedi who attack the moon in a fleet of Jedi Starfighters. Luke escapes after slicing off Darth Rondus's hand and flees back to Coruscant with the rest of the Jedi to prepare for the attack. Darth Rondus returns to his mysterious master to report in and is punished for allowing Luke to escape with bombardments of Sith Lightning (or "lightening" as it's spelled sometimes in the script).

The script ends with Luke and the Galactic Alliance (the replacement for the Republic)'s Fleet preparing for the attack.

Some superficial observations about the script:

• The script is far too short to be feature length. Most scripts for major motion pictures clock in at around 120 pages. This one's 70, which used to be standard length for a 45-minute television script.
• Spelling and grammatical errors. So fucking many.
• Continuing that point, the script ends very abruptly. It feels like what was supposed to be the big battle at the end was cut. My guess is Rufus is holding stuff back for a potential Episode VIII script as he'd probably run through all his material for a sequel trilogy if this was 120 pages.
• While it's clear Rufus has some knowledge of script formatting and terminology, this isn't even close to industry standard formatting. It's painfully clear this was written in Microsoft Word. Professional screenwriting software isn't cheap, but there is free stuff out there which does most of the things you need in terms of formatting a script.
• For someone who's supposedly so knowledgeable of the Expanded Universe, Rufus really hasn't plumbed that knowledge when writing this script. The most exciting concepts he can come up with are a rather lame space battle, a few lightsaber duels and some rather perfunctory chase scenes.
• Rufus has used almost no Expanded Universe characters in his script, apparently preferring to construct new ones himself (although Jacen and Jaina Solo get a mention - maybe they're being held back for the next film too). I'm not complaining since we get some hilarious names out of it, but quite why he chose to give Han a son called "Jace", which is a hair's breadth away from "Jacen" is beyond me. My only guess is that Jace may be a self-insert to replace Anakin Solo.
• For some reason, Rufus thought it would be a good idea to include a swearing joke in a Star Wars film:

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So there you have it. I'm half-considering doing a dramatic reading of the script, so if there's any other Kiwis who'd like to chip in, let me know.

So I read part of the script and two things in particular made me laugh.

• Han saying "Wahoo!"
• The Jedi Temple archives have the Halo novels (I didn't know that the galaxy far, far, away got video games from Earth)

 

[Kiwi Lime Pie]

Rufus's story has now taken quite the interesting twist and so I'm very excited to finally present:

Rufus Wars: Episode IX

Two thoughts came to mind while reading this.

1. Yay, another Rufus story featuring the latest sequel of Star Wars spergery, and
2. Sadly enough, imperfections notwithstanding, this script could make a movie no worse than what Disney has made since taking over the SW Universe.

to you, @TheImportantFart, for keeping us up to date on Rufus.

 

[TheImportantFart]

Sadly enough, imperfections notwithstanding, this script could make a movie no worse than what Disney has made since taking over the SW Universe.

I think he’d pop a boner if he saw this comment.

 

[CWCissey]

Wow that script was a ride.

Exposition out the wazoo
Jace is really fuckin' whiny and Chewie's turned into fucking Sooty.
That bit with the youngling was nice, but you know Rufus had that terrible kid in RotS in mind.
Wait, the kids are called Jaina, Jacen and Jace? Did Han and Leia run out of names or is Jace basically meant to be a self-insert for Rufus (or should I say Jason? )
'Sometime I fell kinda sad I didn’t follow Leia into training to become a Jedi rather than just roaving round the galaxy pursuing my stupid dreams' HAN CAN'T TRAIN TO BE A JEDI, HE'S NOT FORCE SENSITIVE! NICE STAR WARS FANNING RUFUS!
Coruscant calls the personal transport fucking space taxis? Please.
'Circle round the back, where the canons can’t get you' This script in a nutshell.
The sooper threatening Sithlord cuts Leia's lightsaber in half then 3 Stooges woopwoopwoops out of there?
'We face a bright indigo planet, the name of which is as of yet unknown.' Think of a fucking name Rufus.
Oh God the ghost scene is like a Mojo Jojo line from the Powerpuff Girls, only with 4 characters.
Why does Rondus keep throwing his sabre? They're based on katanas, not fucking throwing knives!
OK WE GET IT! LUKE'S ON THE THIRD MOON OF SERENNO!
A comment on Sith labour laws?

At least Han was treated with a modicum of respect, even if Harrison Ford only agreed to do TFA if Han was killed off.

 

[The Un-Clit]

Why does Rondus keep throwing his sabre? They're based on katanas, not fucking throwing knives!

Hey, if throwing your sword is good enough for the Lone Wolf and Cub AND William Wallace, it's good enough for Darth Rando here!

Fuck me i love Rufus stories, but now I have to go and be away from the interbutts for most of the day before I can take the time to read this fully. I'll be back!

 

[DogEatDogFood]

To be fair, Rufus's stories can work as a novel or comic from the Expanded Universe. Has some stupid shit but is not "subverting expectations" level of bad

 

[MY 405]

Well, I've read worse fanfic. Han as a Jedi would be hilarious, honestly it would. It's brilliant how Rufus has manged to reduce the devotion to a religion in nothing more than a cumbersome family business. I love how Han and co. have turned into the most blantant, loud and bungling smugglers in the glalaxy. "No one knows the Millennium Falcon"?! Really?! uh, no. Bespin made no sense at all. You're in a freighter depot, it's FULL of parts, but then again Han and Chewie have a long-standing history of having no idea how to fix that ship. Leia does nothing. Great names abound. I actually would've been impressed if the Sith had turned out to be a chick. This was gloriously bad. Any idea how long he spent writing this magnum opus? I'll give him points for dedication, I'm just curious how long he spent working on the final product. (generally, the shoting length is a minute per page, live action, 30 second for animated, page for page broken into panels for a comic -- so Rufus has written a 90-minute commercial broadcast script with no definate acts, just a lot of flying around and nothing happens.) I had a great time!

edit: for clarity and I can't spell, sorry.