- Joined
- Aug 9, 2014
@CWCissey, @dunbrine47, @Kiwi Lime Pie, @ToroidalBoat, @Adamska, @The Un-Clit, @Shitassdeaddude, @Gordon Cole, @vertexwindi, @Crichax, @Overcast, @Xerxes IX, @REGENDarySumanai @yasscat, @Man vs persistent rat, @An Sionnach Seang, @Big Nasty, @Alto, @MysticMisty, @MerriedxReldnahc, @neverendingmidi, @Do You Realize (once again, if I forgot anyone, let me know).
As The Rise of Skywalker is now out, people have understandably been asking me how Rufus will react to the film. My answer has been, and remains, that I don't know because he hasn't seen it yet. As I've set out in other posts, Rufus is banned from going to see it and it looks like his parents have actually managed to make the ban stick this time, which is great for them, but sucks for us, because we don't get to hear his reaction.
Ordinarily I'd leave it at that, but there have also been some developments behind the scenes with Rufus which could put a bit of a kibosh on future stories. I was going to save this in the hopes of an update on The Rise of Skywalker because Rufus is Rufus and he's found interesting ways to circumvents bans before. But it's been over a week now and it's looking increasingly unlikely it will happen, so rather than being a faggot and hoarding cocks, and to hopefully alleviate everyone's disappointment, I figured I'd give you guys an early New Year's miracle:
Rufus Wars - Sperg: Fallen Franchise
Thanks to @Crichax for the title!
I'll start with the bad news: Rufus's sister moved out of their parents' house shortly after The Spergalorian to live with friends somewhere closer to her job. This didn't matter so much at the time, because she still had Rufus on Facebook, but Rufus has now unfriended her and since his posts are friends-only, that means a vital source of content is cut off. If you're curious, Rufus's sister says this was the killing blow:
She got unfriended shortly after posting that comment.
Rufus's sister still calls home from time to time and one of her first questions is always how Rufus is getting along, so it's possible there will be more stories of his antics, but she's no longer in close proximity to him and with no more Star Wars films on the horizon after Rise of Skywalker for him to chimp out over, the future seems bleak. It's also an even bigger shame she doesn't have access to his Facebook anymore, because as you may have inferred from the above, Rufus is working on a spin-off script about his waifu Aravis Fett:
Eager though I'm sure everyone was to read more nightmarish Oedipal fapfic, we may never get to do so, unless somebody knows someone who works in the mailroom at Lucasfilm and asks them to look out for it when he inevitably sends it in.
While the above may seem all doom and gloom, fear not, because I have a short story and a bonanza of bonus content to share with you all.
@MysticMisty asked if Rufus's parents had seen the massive chimpout he had on Facebook over being told he wasn't going to be getting the new Lego UCS Star Destroyer for Christmas. The truth is, while they didn't know about that post specifically, they knew that he was very angry about it, because he made his anger known the moment they said they weren't buying it for him. Rufus's sister wasn't in the house at the time, but apparently the shouting was loud enough to be heard by their neighbours.
After the initial explosion, Rufus changed tactics and started getting really passive aggressive. He cleared a large space on one of his bookshelves, and whenever one of his parents came into his room to check on him, he'd point to it and say something along the lines of: "That's where the Star Destroyer would've gone, but I guess that's not happening now," which would erupt into another shouting match.
Despite this, Rufus escalated things by printing out a cardboard cutout of the Star Destroyer, putting it in the space on the bookshelf and saying: "It sure would nice if it was the real thing..." whenever one of his parents was in earshot. This approach did him absolutely no favours, and his parents eventually snapped and said Christmas was cancelled for him. He didn't care much, and shot back that it wouldn't be Christmas if he didn't get what he wanted.
Before I go on, I'll explain a little about Rufus's finances. I've said in earlier posts that Rufus's parents are loaded. He may not have a job, but he never has to worry about going hungry, and his parents aren't going to kick him out no matter how badly he behaves, because there's no way he'd survive in the world on his own. In terms of his own money, Rufus's parents used to give him fairly generous sums for birthdays and Christmas. These were deposited directly into his bank account where he couldn't get at them until recently, so over the years, he accumulated quite a decent chunk of savings. Not enough to live on, but more than most people have stashed away.
His parents stopped giving him money gifts once they realised his behaviour wasn't going to improve and it came to light he'd been pissing the money away on frivolities. In terms of current income, Rufus gets some kind of tugboat from the government, because he technically has a disability (SPD) that makes it more difficult for him to find work. He also used to claim Jobseekers allowance, but that was cut off when he got lazy about applying for jobs (for non-Britfags, you have to show you're actively looking for work to keep claiming it).
Of course, all the above isn't exactly lucrative and over time, Rufus's savings have dwindled until he's down to under a thousand pounds, which is still not awful by most people's standards, but when your only income stream is tardbux, it's kind of a problem. This (among other reasons) is why his parents have been pushing him so hard to get a job.
This all came to a head when Rufus's mum heard the doorbell ring one fateful day. Immediately, she heard the pounding of footfalls, and Rufus came charging down the stairs. This immediately aroused Rufus's mum's suspicions and she followed Rufus to the front door. Rufus was there talking to a delivery driver. He tried to block his mum's view, but she saw that he was taking delivery of a large cardboard box.
Rufus tried to say that he couldn't open the box because it was a Christmas present for his parents, but his mum made him open it and sure enough, it contained the UCS Star Destroyer. Rufus had ordered it for himself. His mum was furious and told him he had to send it back, which prompted a huge argument. In the ensuing fallout, it emerged that Rufus had nearly bankrupted himself buying this thing. Apparently he had under a hundred pounds left in the bank after the purchase (for reference, the UCS Star Destroyer costs a whopping £650).
After much yelling and gnashing of teeth, Rufus was forced to return the Star Destroyer. As a result of his reckless spending, his parents are now closely monitoring his bank account, to make sure he doesn't try anything like that again.
Maybe not up to the mega chimpout everyone was hoping for over The Rise of Skywalker, but hopefully it's something.
And now for the bonus content. When Rufus's sister moved out, she was clearing her room and found a folder filled with old Star Wars comics Rufus had drawn. Rufus's room used to be hers and vice versa, but they switched around a while ago and she thinks Rufus must have forgotten about them and left them behind. She estimates these were drawn when Rufus was about 6 or 7, so perhaps the piss poor artwork and storyline is somewhat forgivable, but it is interesting to see that Rufus's talents (or lack thereof) as a storyteller, along with his spelling and grammar have barely improved after nearly twenty years.
I'm not even going to try summarising the comics because they're downright incoherent, but I will highlight a few things that made me chuckle:
I'm sure Rufus knows all about tard groups.
Hurr durr (what's wrong with your faaaaaaaaace?)!
Why does baby Boba Fett look like a retarded tadpole?
And last but not least, this one:
Just in case anyone doesn't know, this is what Mace Windu looks like:
No wonder he didn't show up in the final battle in Rufus's Episode IX script. Rufus can't even remember what he fucking looks like.
Full comics are attached to this post. Sorry if they're difficult to read - Rufus's sister didn't have access to a scanner, so she kindly photographed them page by page.
Rufus's sister also snagged some photos Rufus uploaded to his Facebook before he unfriended her, of Lego re-enactments of scenes from his Sequel Trilogy. These are really something special:
This one in particular is gold:
I still live in hope that Rufus will find some way of watching Rise of Skywalker, but if not, I hope this update keeps everyone happy for a bit. This isn't the end of Rufus (at least I hope not), I just wanted to manage everyone's expectations going forward.
Happy new year to all you awesome bastards, and thank you for following along with Rufus's antics for another crazy year. Semper fidelis to you all!
