Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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I knew a guy who was convinced he was a MMA fighter, semi-pro skateboarder, and 1337 computer hack0r. In reality, he was a fat slob with some kind of mental disorder.

For some reason this cracked me up. Maybe just because it is such a perfect description of so many lolcows, just replace the list of great things they think they are when they're actually some fucking crazy slob.
 
There is this woman who comes in to my work nearly every single day with her autistic son. (He's in his late 20's, I think? And smells...) She's known for purposely stalling at the returns desk and check-out to tell parts of her life story, has been married at least three times and insists she's a ballet dancer that was taught by Micheal Jackson's dance choreographer for Thriller. She's also over 300 lbs as is her son. -- She's also tried to get some of the girls at work (Including myself) to date her son, whom is also known to perv around the ladies underwear and molest the mannequins. (:_(
 
Now I've known about this guy for a few months but didn't mention him because I wanted to make sure if he was lolcow material. Today, he had convinced me.

I've been working at a store for the past 6 months as a cashier for the store pharmacy. When it got slow, my management would offer me to do miscellaneous duties around the store (refilling stock, cleaning, collecting carts). One day they assigned me alongside my personal lolcow to handle shopping carts. Let's call him 'Drake'. There's a reason for that name. Shortly after introducing ourselves, he would start talking about Halloween and his costume (which was a week away at this time). When I asked what his costume was, he told me it was a 'dragoness'. Oddly specific. He complained about how he couldn't take the costume to work because it was inappropriate. I asked if it was scary or had gory details to it.

He told me "It's scary looking. Also it has tits."

As I became aware with the rest of the first day with him, he had no conversation filter. He'd jump to all kinds of personal topics and wouldn't stop talking about Call of Duty, sports and internet memes. He was a nuisance, but I treated him like any other co-worker.

I took him as just an weird nerdy guy until two weeks later. He comes in with an arm in a sling. I ask him what happened. He told me that he had a long-term injury from Hong Kong from getting in a fight with a member of the Triad (AKA Chinese mafia) and that he would tell me the whole story. I listened and actually gave him credibility. That was, until he was naming characters from the videogame Sleeping Dogs (Wei Shen, Winston Chu, Jackie Ma). He was paraphrasing the plot from the game, saying he was friends with a Triad member and got in some martial arts fight with another. Before all this, I lied to him that I didn't care about videogames in case he got really clingy and spergy with me about them. I pretended like I didn't know about Sleeping Dogs and kept him talking. Apparently this Triad member did some sort of disarming martial arts move that messed up his arm up badly and sometimes it would pop out of his joint and he'd have to be put into a sling. My guess with the truth is that he hurt his arm and decided to bullshit a story to sound cool. He apparently told this story to customers.

The guy claims to be army-trained. but wouldn't disclose why he couldn't join the Army. He said he knew several forms of martial arts and collects guns. He's an obnoxious stool pigeon, however. Whenever a co-worker screwed something up, he'd let the entire store and world know by raising his voice to make himself the center of attention and propose to fix the problem. He'd go off and smoke or play with his Vita in the middle of work, too. I didn't bother calling him out on it because he /somehow/ is favored by management and I'd rather not jump through the hoops.

He disappeared for a couple weeks and I thought he was moved to another store or quit. I saw him again today and he confronted me in the store bathroom.

"I'm in trouble, Grisby."

"Why?"

"I summoned a demon in my house"

I thought he was just defining an angry girlfriend/family member but then he told me about how he was casting dark magic and how he angered his 'warlock' neighbor who opened the gates of Hell right in his basement. Right now he has to douse his room in holy water four times a day and wait for a druid friend to come over to his house to close the gates.

This guy is in his late 20s, mind you.

Other highlights of this guy according to me and co-workers:

-He caused drama when he accused one of our co-workers of being part of a Mexican drug cartel (without any proof)
-During one of my lunch breaks, he told me about how Obama rigged the past six World Series so leftist companies would win bets and then buy out small companies.
-Sperged out with a co-worker when said co-worker argued that Call of Duty was not a realistic military simulator

So yeah, I got my own poor man's Jace Connors.
 
I have a close friend whose brother is schizophrenic. He has many awesome sick tattoos, like the mason sign on the back of his hand, M16s on both of his forearms, and a dotted line on his neck.

He goes back and forth between loving the Mormon Church and threatening to sue them because they have ruined his life. I'll start collecting screencaps. He usually deletes stuff after a day sadly so I have to be on guard.
BCAD6KI.jpg
 
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I have a close friend whose brother is schizophrenic. He has many awesome sick tattoos, like the mason sign on the back of his hand, M16s on both of his forearms, and a dotted line on his neck.

He goes back and forth between loving the Mormon Church and threatening to sue them because they have ruined his life. I'll start collecting screencaps. He usually deletes stuff after a day sadly so I have to be on guard.
BCAD6KI.jpg


You are on to a winner, my friend.
 
I'll see if I can get to this whilst hiding my powerlevel.

People hang out with this guy mostly out of pity, but he has a habit of being an insufferable asshole. To the extent that people would avoid him for a few weeks, and he'd whine, cry, and mope until someone feels sorry for him. After that, he starts getting invites for stuff, before inviting himself into events (or occasionally a friends' house), starts being an insufferable asshole, and then the process just repeats himself.

He's got this friend whom he worships as an idol. This friend is one of those couch-to-couch hippie types: proud of the fact that he's never held a job or had a driver's license. They're both around 24 years old. Everything this guy does and every opinion is copied from this loser friend. I've once seen him instantly change his opinion on a topic he had strong feelings about, simply because his idol had the opposite opinion. It's really surreal.

But back to this guy:

  • He's a complete and utter mooch. I've seen him steal food (and drugs) from people, and he's borrowed money so many times without every paying back. He also never puts in towards group funding (food, alcohol, etc).
  • If he breaks something that belongs to someone else (unsurprisingly, that occurs frequently enough), he will go through amazing mental gymnastics to try to argue his way out of responsibility. The crowning moment of this was when he refused to reimburse a $5 Rock Band drum pedal that he cracked with his shoes. It's still a hot topic almost a decade later.
  • Despite his strong distaste for furries, is an admitted furry himself.
  • Every year or so, he claims he's going to quit smoking. When he says that he's quitting, what he really means is that he's simply not going to purchase his own cigarettes for a while, and will instead bum smokes off everyone and anyone he comes across.
  • His hypocrisy is legendary. Any time you call him out on this, he'll claim that he was simply being "ironic". Example: I've seen him chew a guy out for being a Juggalo, only to quietly sing an ICP song to himself mere minutes afterward.
  • He's one of those people who can't play video games without screaming in tard rage at every moment that isn't in his favor. He runs the full DarkSydePhil gamut: blaming the controller, blaming the coding, blaming the hitboxes, etc. One time he got so mad at a Street Fighter match, he bashed that controller against his own forehead until it bled.
  • Not matter what topic is being discussed, he cannot stop himself from giving a lecture about his strong stance about the issue. He's annoying contrarian about everything, even if it results in baffling examples of doublethink.
  • Has these bizarre delusions of grandeur that he's going to be famous someday. For what, no one can tell, since he's shown zero interest in acting, dancing, music, sports, or anything of the e-celeb flavor. He's only worked minimum wage jobs his whole life, and last I checked he still lives with his mother.
  • He has a Jace-level obsession with street racing. The few people I know who are actually in the street racing scene in his area have told me countless stories of how pathetic of a wannabe he is. He'll often show up at meets and is all talk, without anything of substance to show for it.
https://www.facebook.com/literallynoone


I'm sure there's more I could add later.
 
finally remembered a few more people i've gotten some laughs out of.
Back in.. 2013ish, a Wal-Mart opened up in my area. We'd all been hoping for one closer to our neighborhood and it came to be. Thank you, whatever deity exists.
One day, around the release of Pokemon X and Y, I saw a few guys conversing in the games isle about the newest installation of the series. Of course, being kinda desperate for social contact, I kinda gently nudged my way into the conversation. They didn't seem to mind, and I even got one of their skype names. I should of known something was up when I added him and saw a My Little Pony OC. As I know a couple of bronies that are just fine (I was too, for a short time), I added him anyways.
Something seemed off almost instantly. The things he said exuded gaming elitist, and when I mentioned my preference for rhythm games, he latched onto saying Osu was the best one, and refused to hear otherwise. I told him that I didn't care much for being perfect at it, and simply enjoyed the music of the games I played. This invoked some serious rage in the guy, and he told me that I shouldn't be such a casual. I somehow escaped from the convo by saying I had to do dishes, despite having a dishwasher. This got him to fuck off a bit.
Fast forward a few months. I usually stop talking to people for a while (I'm bad at keeping touch) but this guy messaged me out of the blue, demanding a Pokemon battle. At the time, I was drawing, and had no intention of stopping, so I told him no. Suddenly, he said something that kinda pissed me off. Something along the lines of "Of course you're scared of losing, that's so typical of a girl."
I wasn't out as fully trans yet, and looked more androgynous in person at the time than anything. Regardless, I still wanted to work, so I told him to fuck off. What I didn't expect was for him to get upset at me for cursing at him. I was laughing as he started firing off sexist diatribes, such as that I'm "weak" for cursing at him, or that I'm "a useless woman" whose art was "mediocre at best", whereas this guy couldn't draw for shit. I remember some of his work looking like a 10 year old's notebook scribbles. Mine wasn't as good as it is now, but it wasn't as he described it.
Meanwhile, I relayed my conversation with him to a friend of mine, who promptly suggested I send the guy the whole curse word blacklist from Pokemon X and Y. As I could give a few less shits about salvaging this "friendship" with the Wal-Mart Brony, I did it anyways. The resulting shit-fling was monumental, with homophobic rants, general insulting, more sexist shit... it was beautiful. I wish I had the log to show you guys, but it was on my old PC which got formatted in the hopes of making it a gaming PC. It ended with the guy blocking me but.. wow. We talked twice and both times ended with him flipping his shit. Beautiful.
I know nothing about this man except for the fact that he walks around the neighborhood we live in, with his old CD player in hand, and whistles. But he doesn't even have headphones on. I'm still not sure to this day.
I'm going to not-so-affectionately refer to this woman as "The Loaf" because that is, in truth, what she is. First, some backstory.
Me and my cousin have always been close. From the day I was born, she's been in my life. I've gotta say, though, she has shit taste in men. And sometimes, even shittier taste in company.

For the 4th of July weekend this past year, I hung out with that side of the family. I kind of expected my cousin (who I will call M) to have a new boy toy by her side (she goes through guys like she goes through cigarettes, sadly.) and while she did, I did not expect the massive being that I saw by her other side. This lady was The Loaf.

A dietician's worst nightmare and a bed-cot's downfall, this woman was a foul-mooded alcoholic. I tried to talk to her, and she seemed genuinely uninterested in anything that I, or anyone for that matter, had to say. Thinking back on it, I kind of remember her stress sighing when my aunt asked her to do just about anything (like bring in groceries.) Often, out of the corner of my eyes, I'd catch her with her arms crossed and a pout on her face.
I kinda didn't like going near her, because the perfume she wore would cause me to gag. I'm good with resisting smells, except this woman's goddamned perfume. Some kind of celeb brand, but caked on. Under that was a smell. I don't know what it was. But whatever it was, it was not clean. When she moved, it was more like a half-assed waddle, and often her very breathing was audible above people speaking.

Now, the actual lols don't kick in until halfway through the weekend, where M, her boyfriend (who is now T in this story and may be a lolcow himself), my other cousin (who was big, but nowhere near as big as The Loaf. If I need to refer to her here, she'll be J.), The Loaf herself, and me were all hanging out. They were having fun, playing assorted drinking games, while me and J hung out on the side. I was told to be the "drink mixer" for the evening, so I had that duty. M, T, and The Loaf were hanging out in the pool, when M and T needed to get out for a moment. At the time, I was preparing more drinks, and set all 3 by the side of the pool for when M and T got back. J went inside for a bit, and I went with her. When I come out a half-minute later, all 3 drinks are gone. Full. Goddamn. Drink. Glasses.

I look at The Loaf and go, "Did you drink... all of them?" In reply, she shrugged, and swam to the other side of the pool, like an elegant whale. As I was preparing the drinks again, M and T walk out, and ask why I hadn't prepared the drinks in advance. I told them that The Loaf had drank them, and that seemed to annoy them as well.

Fast forward to the morning after next, and I am taken to my aunt's house to help with weeding in the morning. I wouldn't get paid, but I was so happy to see my family that I just got myself up to help out anyways. Everybody seems groggy, but we do work. Though I noticed-- The Loaf was missing. T and M were awake, J was out getting groceries, but where was The Loaf? Well, young readers, while we were weeding in the searing Florida heat that morning, The Loaf was fast asleep in a bed cot that I later learned had warped from her sheer weight (it wouldn't close later on). She didn't even bother to help at all. My aunt was livid, as was M and T. I felt myself get angry as well. But when J comes back, she has sandwiches, and that awakened The Loaf. She was chewed out but honestly didn't seem to care. Just ate and apparently went right back to sleep. I later overheard my aunt telling M that she isn't to bring The Loaf next time.

I know nothing about this woman except that she's much younger than M by about 6 or 7 years.

i can't quite remember any more, so for now, i offer these to you guys.
 
Not completely personal because he has a hater's club, but I don't think he is well known around here.
Yamil is a DevianTARD who gained fame on Facebook for his work "My imagination and me". The original plot was (yes, WAS) about his self-insert and the power of materialize his thought and living adventures with his friends... sounds good, no? WRONG, 90% of his strips are about his Gary Stu being perv with his imaginary harem and later with his imaginary waifu (literally he is married with his OC) and his daughter Crystal Alma (Soul).

In fact the arc of his daughter was very lulzy, supposedly with waifu had a high risk pregnancy (he never explained what kind of condition... oh and the gynaecologist was Gendo Ikari... WTF?) but she refused to abort and when the day arrive she gave a birth and die... but in the same comic strip she returned to life because the power of love!!!! yeah..........

The art is terrible and everyday is getting worse, no backgrounds, tons of awful butts and boobs, no plot, bad jokes and of course, as all the lolcows, he doesn't accept any kind of criticism, not long ago, someone created a facebook page called "alone without my imagination" to make parodies of his comics. His reaction was a rage and a call in arms of his fanboys to denounce the page, and of course he deletes and bans people who doesn't agree with him.

Here an example of his "best" artworks
lady_mind_by_yamilmiyo-d50mu34.jpg
chicotechno_sexy_by_yamilmiyo-d48w109.jpg

And of course, his "sonichu"
y_los_celulares_empezaron_a_vibrar_by_yamilmiyo-d8je9df.jpg

Translation:
Panel 1:Ok girls, let's go
Panel 4: What's the matter, amber. Nothing...


la_fuerza_de_las_cuatro_letras_by_yamilmiyo-d8bhlsj.jpg

Shitty Translation:
Panel 1:
-Eri's vital signs are so week, we did the best that we could, we can only hope...
-Looks like my daughter wants to be with his mother
-Let her
-Buaaa buaah

Panel 2:
-What I'm looking! Is she giving her a kiss?

Panel 3:
-Her vital signs are turning back to normal!
-I've been woke up by a little angel
-It's amazing

Panel 4:
It's always been said that exist a force that can beat every problem, this force has four letters
End

And the fanboys were driven crazy by this oscar deserving scene...

And finally.... if you thought the author is just a teenager on hormones.... sorry, the dude is almost 30 years old.

I know there's potential here, but Yamil is too lazy for translate his comics, contrary to other artist like Yago, author of living with a hipster and a gamer girl.
 
As far as I know, he began to upload his comic 2-3 times a week, but by popular demand he scarified quality (well... a little bit effort) in order to make a daily strip, so, there's real people demanding more of this shit. Even on the facebook page are some fan arts (some of them a way better than the original designs) and tons of compliments.

So yep, a lot of people like the failed unsuccessful attempt of comedy/parody/whatever.

Bonus: videogames cameos!!! this time I don't even translate because the dialogs are so stupid and the intention of the strip is very obvious.
And here his DA for more fun
el_ataque_de_los_bajo_cero_by_yamilmiyo-d8illpt.jpg
 
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In the time leading up to the big hullabaloo that was the Legend of Korra finale, I discovered this crazy little girl on DA who goes by http://lunastar7.deviantart.com/ . She's a whole bundle of Lolcow traits; let's summarize.

-A fervent, and I do mean fervent shipper. She is a fanatic of the "Makorra" ship, one that was actually a canon relationship until the two characters realized they were a dysfunctional couple and amicably broke up. She won't let it go, even though Korra has, as stated by official creators, taken up pearl diving with Asami, Luna refuses to move on. Essentially a microcosm of the Zutara phenomenon, but not even happy with the (temporary) canon status her ship had. She even recently made a stamp proclaiming her willful disregard for canon couples she doesn't like.

-Because of the above development, Luna detests Asami Sato with a nigh Blarmic rancor, and will take any opportunity to promulgate her opinion that she is the worst character in the show. Even before the finale, she was taking spergy potshots at the rapidly gaining steam Korrasami fans.

-Half of her hilariously elongated profile page is taken up by rows and columns of stamps reinforcing her views.

-She hates the Homos. She'll deny it to all high heavens, but a quick search will reveal her burning hatred for Yaoi and Yuri couples. While shipping can be extraordinarily dumb, it's clear with reading that her distaste comes from no more reason than homosexual couples make her uncomfortable personally.

-She will block you. Instantly and without warning. Go ahead, say anything, absolutely anything that doesn't pat her ass or reinforce her shipping delusions. You will be blocked and cursed as a "bully."

-Which leads us to her persecution complex. Luna insists that the hundreds of blocked comments that she has hidden over the last few months are all cyber bullies out to be mean to her. All of them. Every. Single. One. You could present the most cordial, polite, and articulate comments possible, but should you utter a single syllable in support of the dang dirty korrasami, or state that constantly raging about gay couples DOES kinda make you a bit homophobic, you will be blocked, and branded a big meanie bullying poor Luna. I know this; it's happened to me with several separate accounts, each blocked after a comment or two.

-She blames "mental problems" and "anger issues" for her spegiastic ranting and censorship. She can't and won't name these issues or calmly explain to newcomers to her profile that she may suffer from a hair trigger temper and certain mental idiosyncrasies and thus tread carefully. She just pulls the anger issues card, blocks the offending poster, and goes back to whining about cartoon lesbians.

-But she isn't alone in her fight. She has her own little hugbox set up with like-minded children, most notably http://theicarlyangel.deviantart.com/ and http://makorralove12.deviantart.com/, who will without fail arrive to engage in a Makorrian circlejerk with their master. It should be noted that the pair's profiles are, at a glance, much less painful to explore, and have a lower chance of blocking you at first glance. There is actually this person, http://shinywhitewaters.deviantart.com/ who every so often tries to weakly bleat the voice of reason, but is (excusably) fearful of actually taking Luna to task for her bullshit.

So while she's not especially prolific, and appears confined to whatever small circle of early teenage girls still latch onto Makorra these days, I can always trust to get a good dose of WHY from this one.

*Note, you will be tempted to troll her. Please, do not.

*Worse, you will be tempted to try and explain the error of her ways to her. Please, do not. You will inevitably seek to pull out your own teeth in frustration. She is a silly little girl, and until she grows up a bit, reason is lost on her.

*I do not personally see a future for her as a prime source of Lulz. Either she'll grow up and knock that shit off, entrench within DA culture and become just another Tartlet, or eventually become so bitter and delusional that she flees the internet altogether.
 
Anchuent Dictata's post reminds me of a personal lolcow of mine. We used to be friends, so I'd rather not link to any of her pages and I'll just call her "Malina". As funny as she is, I just do not feel like getting chewed out by her again. Hope you understand.

So let's see... I met her through a Steven Universe fan page. This thing was apparently started way early on, before SU became a big hit with the internet, and it had something like 4000 members on Facebook. For a fan page, that's a lot. But the original owner apparently didn't like that sort of fame, so Malina inherited ownership from him. Why she had priority over the four other admins, I really don't know.
Now let's rewind a bit: Malina basically (or in one case, literally) worships all those super obscure shows that only the cool kids at tumblr know about. Over The Garden Wall, Wakfu, Steven Universe, all that. And coming from tumblr, she of course has to subscribe to all the silly headcanons that tumblr has in its fandoms. Apparently, her favorite was the thought that all the Gems (mystical magical heroes of SU) are gender non-binary. The reasoning behind this fanon is that the creator of the show says that all the Gems except for Steven are neither male nor female. While Ms. Creator has carefully chosen the words "male" and "female" instead of "men" and "women" time and time again, we're talking about tumblrinas, so fuck logic, sex defines gender only when they want it to.
Look forward again to when she inherited ownership of said Facebook fan page. Her first order of business: demote all the previous staff and replace them with her butt buddies from tumblr. The first rule instated was to not refer to any of the non-human characters as boys or girls, men or women. Doing so would result in a warning. Explaining to them that having no genitals does not mean no gender, or just a link to a clip where one of them refers to themselves as girls, would get you an insta-ban. The eventual added a rule where you could not question or disagree with an admin, period. As you can imagine, that didn't do much good. Malina's new rules and admins brought her Facebook page from one of the most popular Steven Universe fan pages on Facebook with ~4000 members, waaaayyyy down to 800 members. Ouch, that hurts.
Also: if you explain to her what she's doing and how she's basically thrown out the future of her club, you get a response along the lines of "THIS IS JUST HOW I RUN MY PAGE YOU MAKE US SOUND LIKE FUCKING NAZIS BAAAAAWWWW"
 
As far as I know, he began to upload his comic 2-3 times a week, but by popular demand he scarified quality (well... a little bit effort) in order to make a daily strip, so, there's real people demanding more of this shit. Even on the facebook page are some fan arts (some of them a way better than the original designs) and tons of compliments.

So yep, a lot of people like the failed unsuccessful attempt of comedy/parody/whatever.

Bonus: videogames cameos!!! this time I don't even translate because the dialogs are so stupid and the intention of the strip is very obvious.
And here his DA for more fun
el_ataque_de_los_bajo_cero_by_yamilmiyo-d8illpt.jpg

So this dude's a Mexican Tim Buckly?
 
There is this guy I found. sorta like Dobson 2.0
I remember seeing him on a thing about gamergate and how he is a feminist (ironically he calls girls who dress scantily whores) he actually said that trolls ruined his neckbeard for him, and the Dobson like self insert comics. Now I would say he is a troll, but he has been doing it for years, so either way, he is kinda nuts. or just some sorta satire, I can't tell because of the way he acts
image.jpg
 
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