Let us begin. Polyamory was the new buzzword on tumblr, a site Luke and Alice spent their days obsessively checking and seeking attention from strangers in various ways, and I remember discussing it because, hey, Mama tries to be understanding and tolerant. I remember very distinctly that Luke and Alice found the idea abhorrent, especially Alice. She reiterated that she only believed in monogamy and couldn’t even think of dating someone else or sleeping with someone else many times throughout the conversation and Luke generally agreed. I said I can understand swingers, though it wasn’t really my thing, and that was that.
It was about six months later that things began to change. There was a foul scent in the air, only growing worse as the days passed, until it finally culminated in an argument that I sincerely wish I had been privy to. Alas, my good friend Joe (who was their roommate at the time) was the only one around to hear it, so of course he messaged me immediately to tell me what he had heard out of concern for Alice. Despite their lolcow status, at the time, we were close and we did worry about Alice and how Luke treated her (which he treated her like shit, as is all too common with cows). Basically, Joe told me that the two were arguing in their bedroom when he heard Luke yell, “You’re suffocating me! Why can’t you just let me be polyamorous?! Why can’t you just try to be polyamorous, too?!” something along those lines. I used to have the caps of our texts, but they’re on my old phone which is somewhere in my room…
Anyways, immediately we were suspicious, but also hopeful. Would this be the breaking point? Would they finally end their god awful relationship? Alice was strictly monogamous, after all. Not only that, but we just figured that Luke was saying he was poly so he could keep his cash cow and fuck others on the side. We speculated and wondered until, finally, Alice approached me and asked me about their poly problem and what she should do. I told that my opinion was that for any relationship that involved swinging/polyamory/whatthefuckever to be “healthy” that both parties had to be consenting. I didn’t think it would lead anywhere good if one partner was guilted into it or felt uncomfortable by the situation. Everyone should be open to discussion and that if she’s not okay with it then she shouldn’t do it.
I can’t remember how much time passed after my conversation with Alice, but it wasn’t much. I want to say a week, maybe two at most? But, Luke and Alice eventually told Joe and I that they would be giving polyamory that good old college try and we wished them the best of luck, though I did pull Alice aside when we had time alone to ask if this is what she really wanted. Again, I was pretty concerned, I was suspicious that Luke had guilted her into it, and when I asked her, Alice’s excuse was basically, “Well, our relationship is the first serious one either one of us have had and since we started dating young, Luke hasn’t really had time to explore himself and others.” it reeked off bullshit, but I backed off. My friendship with these two cows was beginning to deteriorate anyways due to me waking up and getting a whiff of their bullshit. At this point, I was just content to sit back and watch the magic happen.
This polyamory shit all started just around the time our friendship ended, but I did get to witness their humble beginnings. They were insistent on finding a bisexual/pansexual female who would date the both of them. They could always find someone who was interested in Alice, but not Luke, which was HILARIOUS. Given how long I’ve known Luke, I just know he was sure that he would find tons of girls interested in him, yet here he was whining and bitching about how no one liked him. He was seething with jealousy over how much attention Alice was getting, especially from this one girl, Eve, who had just left a pretty abusive relationship when she met our cows. Luke was hoping he could get in with Eve and help her “heal”, but she just was not interested in him whatsoever, which just further pissed him off. So, what did he do? Told everyone that Eve was “stalking” them and wouldn’t leave them alone and when I asked them point blank if they tried breaking it off with Eve, they hemmed and hawed and finally came out with the truth: they hadn’t broken up with Eve, they hadn’t even talked to her about the issues they had had with her. Instead, they were hoping that their passive aggressive comments and blowing her off would get her to leave them alone. Let’s not even talk about how they were purposely trying to offend her at a party to get her to leave.
Somehow, all of our mutual friends bought into the stalking bullshit except me and Joe because, as I said, we finally woke up and could smell the manure from miles away.
Now, all of this coming up is second hand information through their other roomie who is no longer friends with them either, though I did get to witness some of their insanity through their tumblr. A bunch of shit happened with Eve and the cows that I learned about after I became friends with the roomie again (that’s a long story), but suffice to say she was treated like shit because that’s just how Luke and Alice are. After Luke got it through his thick, Neanderthal like skull that Eve nor any other adult woman was going to hop on his dick like he had believed, he started digging through tumblr and set his sights on a fifteen year old that lived near all of us. Though he swears up and down he was never flirting (he claims he comes off as flirtatious even when he doesn’t “mean to be”), a bunch of personal posts I saw on their tumblr definitely insinuated some not so pure thoughts for the minor. Alice and Luke pined after this poor kid, would leave flirty little comments in their askbox and shit, and even made a few not so subtle posts talking about how they wished their crush was old enough to date. To ratchet up the creepy, they showed up on the kid’s sixteenth birthday (mind you, these are mid-twenty adult cows) and they were the oldest ones there besides the kid’s parents. About this time, they apparently went off on mini-rants with their roomie (who then told me lol) about how having “crushes” on teenagers was totally normal and wasn’t at all skeevy or pedophilia if they didn’t act on these impulses. Shit like that.
Everything kicked off when mean ole anons on tumblr began accusing Luke and Alice of pedophilia and warned them that they had contacted the minor’s parents about what they were doing. Of course, the cows deleted everything then cried about how they were being bullied and they weren’t pedophiles! These anons were just misconstruing the situation! Then they made a bunch of posts about how they no longer felt safe on their tumblrs and were moving to different accounts, blah blah blah. Typical whiny cow shit. Luke even sent some hate anons to himself, which the roomie found out because Luke's dumbass forgot he had asked the roomie to put one of those visitor trackers on his tumblr. Ahhh, it was so good.
After that, I don’t know much as their friendship with all our old mutual friends deteriorated, leaving them friendless and alone. I did find Alice’s new tumblr as it was in my recommended blogs for some reason (before I quit) before she changed her name for the millionth time and she was talking about how she was pissed off that this pregnant woman she was pursuing no longer wanted to date Alice because she was pregnant and wanted to me in a committed relationship with the child’s father. Alice, in typical lolcow fashion, blamed the fucking unborn baby for ruining their potential relationship and raged about how shitty the pregnant love interest was for dumping her. And then went on to bitch about how much she hates kids and how babies are "parasites" and children "ruin everything".
And that is just one of many amazing stories about my lolcows. I hope you enjoyed! Sorry it’s so long! So much stuff happened over an extended period and I wanted to cover what I could remember.
can you be?
