- Joined
- Oct 15, 2016
So I've been looking into Candycola, Vee's old webcomic she wrote with with convicted pedophile Ciel Star. It only lasted 13 pages before she made this update regarding an abusive relationship she had to escape.
This is baseless speculation on my part, but could Ciel Star have been the ex-partner she refers to here? The comic died after this was posted.
Hey guys, long time no update.
If you were wondering about the lack of consistent art this last Summer as well as why I halted on updating my webcomic for a bit, there’s a bit of an explanation and I feel it’s finally safer for me to talk about it a bit.
I won’t get too into detail at this time due to the amount of stress that comes with recollecting the events of this last Summer (I cried on and off while writing this) but here’s an extremely TLDR; version of the story (trust me this only scratches the surface).
I’m going to put it under a read more for those who may not be interested or are sensitive to hearing about scary/traumatic situations, but I promise it ends on a more positive note.
So during the last year or so, I was trapped in an extremely emotionally abusive, controlling, and manipulative living situation with a now ex roommate of mine as well as my ex partner. I was basically coerced into a relationship that ended up being extremely abusive and was manipulated into letting my abusive ex partner live with me while I was already living with another abuser of mine, so was trapped living with two abusers.
Please note I WILL NOT use the word “abuser” or “abuse” lightly and would not dare use these terms for situations that do not warrant it (such as situations were both parties are equally hurting each other or it was just an unhealthy dynamic. In this case I had zero power and was basically forced into having to bend to whatever my abusers wanted).
Living with these two, I was consistently back and forth gaslighted/lied to, controlled, had my safety both emotionally and physically repetitively endangered, as well as was accused of causing problems whenever I tried to stand up for or defend myself.
After months upon months of putting up with being continually re-traumatized and having my diagnosed PTSD severely worsened in symptoms, I finally hit a breaking point and snapped which caused my abusers to respond to it by turning it around and accusing me of being dangerous and the one in the wrong because I finally lost the ability to hold myself together after many months of being traumatized.
My ex partner responded by fleeing the situation to avoid taking responsibility for their actions as well as the damage they caused, but not before dragging my abusive roommate into the situation even though I BEGGED them not to because I still had to finish paying out the lease at the place I lived at and needed my environment to be safe. They lied to me and promised they wouldn’t and agreed it was messed up that my abusive ex roommate was using our situation to fuel her own dislike towards me, but then promptly followed up by allowing her to bully me out of my own apartment I was paying rent to. My abusive ex roommate seemed to play it off as a safety precaution to justify it.
The situation left me emotionally and mentally destroyed because the betrayal trauma I was put through was some of the worst in my adult life. I not only had to deal with the emotional turmoil of being betrayed by someone I was manipulated and coerced into believing cared about me and wouldn’t leave me (their words they fed to me every day until I wholeheartedly believed it when I initially told them not to say those things) but I was forced into homelessness at 20 years old with no safety net or family or anything to go back to.
I had never been so petrified in my entire adult life.
I was homeless for the majority of the Summer because I was obligated to pay rent to a place I was not safe to return to (being around one of my abusers who now was open about their dislike for me kept triggering me into PTSD flashbacks and episodes). Since I had to pay rent to this place, and did not have the financial ability to pay double rent, I had no choice but to couch hop for the next months.
Thankfully I had some amazing friends who offered me their places during these months, and it was hardest thing I had been through. To keep my job because I needed to keep making income, I had to start driving anywhere from 2-4 hours a day through LA traffic every time I came into work (which could be 4-5 days a week) because of where I was staying. I had to do this while dealing with emotional turmoil and struggling to keep myself going.
My body started even physically breaking down and yet I didn’t have a choice to take a break because I needed to keep making income, I needed to get through this because I was so scared of what would happen if I lost my job and where I’d be then homeless with no money. There were days where in-between shifts at work I would be in the bathroom vomiting because I had hit my exhaustion limit and it was making me ill. I would have and still do have continual flashbacks which would cause me to lose hours every day, nightmares every single night about what had happened to me and I would and still do wake up in the middle of the night sobbing. What had happened to me shook me up in a way where the effects are very clearly long-term.
Finally when I felt like there was no way out, and body was about to physically give out on me anyways: I attempted my life.
If anyone had been around to see the suicide note I put up a while back, this story is some of the context behind that. I ended up in the hospital to be monitored and once the effects of the overdose had passed (luckily I was taken in before I could have been more destructive) I was admitted into a psych ward for a few days. This situation actually only traumatized me further because I was mistreated and the environment was not welcoming or supportive so I did everything in my power to get out as fast as possible.
When I was finally released, I had gone back to stay with a friend of mine who from the kindness of her heart let me stay on her couch for free for the large majority of the last few months as I figured out my next plan of action.
I won’t get into the specifics here either just because I feel awkward talking about my professional life tied with this context, but in short, I was allowed the opportunity to take a storyboard test for a cartoon which led to me getting to do storyboarding freelance on it which led to me getting to do storyboarding freelance on it with another freelance board artist. The last 5 weeks or so I got to help write an episode as well as board half of it.
It was horribly rough because the circumstances involved me basically doing this full-time gig while struggling to manage and keep another job that I was driving several hours to and from whenever I went, while homeless and living on couches, while dealing with my deteriorating physical and mental health because I was well past my body’s limits. On top of that I actually ended up also having to manage moving to a new place while I was freelancing and for almost a week straight I would sleep 3-4 hours a night just to ensure I had finished everything on time. I drove myself into the ground because I WANTED more than anything to do well, I needed to get myself out of this and at this point I had nothing to lose. I was also doing something I was really passionate about.
Despite all of that, the experience was absolutely amazing and worth every bit of the severe exhaustion points I drove myself into, regardless of whether anything further comes of it isn’t the point.
Getting to have involvement in storytelling on a cartoon I am really excited about at a studio I love was basically my dream and during the Summer where I thought I was going to probably die, I was given the opportunity to live it, even if it was just for a temporary gig.
The other day I turned in the work my board partner and I did and broke down crying as I left the studio because I was finally allowed to take a moment to look at how far I had come.
I started in a situation where I honest to god thought there was no way out and was in so much pain (still am over it) that I believed this was the end. However, thanks to the support and encouragement from others, I was able to end it on a note where I can feel proud of myself in a bittersweet way because I did it.
I survived the Summer.
In a way, I got to see just how much I could accomplish despite the mountain of obstacles in my way and it gives me hope that I will be okay, because if I could fight through this, I feel like I’ll be able to get through whatever else life throws at me in the future. I can finally breathe.
For the record, I would not consider myself stronger from this situation. It did not make me stronger, it only damaged me further in a way that I’ll have to deal with the repercussions for the rest of my life. What it did do, however, was show me where my limits were, and how much I can fight through when I’ve not only hit my limits but gone past them. I wish I was NEVER put in a situation where I had to figure out where my limits were. I would never wish this amount of hardship upon anyone.
To end this, I want to thank every single person who has supported me. From people who sent me supportive messages, to people who commissioned me and have been patient with me as I worked around all of this to complete them, to people who gave me a place to stay, to the people who sat with me through my breakdowns, who listened to me, who gave me a shoulder to cry on, to the people in the industry who allowed me to show them what I could do and have an amazing first freelance job experience in the professional animation world and solidify how much storytelling means to me and how much I want to continue to go down this path in my life.
Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much.
If you were wondering about the lack of consistent art this last Summer as well as why I halted on updating my webcomic for a bit, there’s a bit of an explanation and I feel it’s finally safer for me to talk about it a bit.
I won’t get too into detail at this time due to the amount of stress that comes with recollecting the events of this last Summer (I cried on and off while writing this) but here’s an extremely TLDR; version of the story (trust me this only scratches the surface).
I’m going to put it under a read more for those who may not be interested or are sensitive to hearing about scary/traumatic situations, but I promise it ends on a more positive note.
So during the last year or so, I was trapped in an extremely emotionally abusive, controlling, and manipulative living situation with a now ex roommate of mine as well as my ex partner. I was basically coerced into a relationship that ended up being extremely abusive and was manipulated into letting my abusive ex partner live with me while I was already living with another abuser of mine, so was trapped living with two abusers.
Please note I WILL NOT use the word “abuser” or “abuse” lightly and would not dare use these terms for situations that do not warrant it (such as situations were both parties are equally hurting each other or it was just an unhealthy dynamic. In this case I had zero power and was basically forced into having to bend to whatever my abusers wanted).
Living with these two, I was consistently back and forth gaslighted/lied to, controlled, had my safety both emotionally and physically repetitively endangered, as well as was accused of causing problems whenever I tried to stand up for or defend myself.
After months upon months of putting up with being continually re-traumatized and having my diagnosed PTSD severely worsened in symptoms, I finally hit a breaking point and snapped which caused my abusers to respond to it by turning it around and accusing me of being dangerous and the one in the wrong because I finally lost the ability to hold myself together after many months of being traumatized.
My ex partner responded by fleeing the situation to avoid taking responsibility for their actions as well as the damage they caused, but not before dragging my abusive roommate into the situation even though I BEGGED them not to because I still had to finish paying out the lease at the place I lived at and needed my environment to be safe. They lied to me and promised they wouldn’t and agreed it was messed up that my abusive ex roommate was using our situation to fuel her own dislike towards me, but then promptly followed up by allowing her to bully me out of my own apartment I was paying rent to. My abusive ex roommate seemed to play it off as a safety precaution to justify it.
The situation left me emotionally and mentally destroyed because the betrayal trauma I was put through was some of the worst in my adult life. I not only had to deal with the emotional turmoil of being betrayed by someone I was manipulated and coerced into believing cared about me and wouldn’t leave me (their words they fed to me every day until I wholeheartedly believed it when I initially told them not to say those things) but I was forced into homelessness at 20 years old with no safety net or family or anything to go back to.
I had never been so petrified in my entire adult life.
I was homeless for the majority of the Summer because I was obligated to pay rent to a place I was not safe to return to (being around one of my abusers who now was open about their dislike for me kept triggering me into PTSD flashbacks and episodes). Since I had to pay rent to this place, and did not have the financial ability to pay double rent, I had no choice but to couch hop for the next months.
Thankfully I had some amazing friends who offered me their places during these months, and it was hardest thing I had been through. To keep my job because I needed to keep making income, I had to start driving anywhere from 2-4 hours a day through LA traffic every time I came into work (which could be 4-5 days a week) because of where I was staying. I had to do this while dealing with emotional turmoil and struggling to keep myself going.
My body started even physically breaking down and yet I didn’t have a choice to take a break because I needed to keep making income, I needed to get through this because I was so scared of what would happen if I lost my job and where I’d be then homeless with no money. There were days where in-between shifts at work I would be in the bathroom vomiting because I had hit my exhaustion limit and it was making me ill. I would have and still do have continual flashbacks which would cause me to lose hours every day, nightmares every single night about what had happened to me and I would and still do wake up in the middle of the night sobbing. What had happened to me shook me up in a way where the effects are very clearly long-term.
Finally when I felt like there was no way out, and body was about to physically give out on me anyways: I attempted my life.
If anyone had been around to see the suicide note I put up a while back, this story is some of the context behind that. I ended up in the hospital to be monitored and once the effects of the overdose had passed (luckily I was taken in before I could have been more destructive) I was admitted into a psych ward for a few days. This situation actually only traumatized me further because I was mistreated and the environment was not welcoming or supportive so I did everything in my power to get out as fast as possible.
When I was finally released, I had gone back to stay with a friend of mine who from the kindness of her heart let me stay on her couch for free for the large majority of the last few months as I figured out my next plan of action.
I won’t get into the specifics here either just because I feel awkward talking about my professional life tied with this context, but in short, I was allowed the opportunity to take a storyboard test for a cartoon which led to me getting to do storyboarding freelance on it which led to me getting to do storyboarding freelance on it with another freelance board artist. The last 5 weeks or so I got to help write an episode as well as board half of it.
It was horribly rough because the circumstances involved me basically doing this full-time gig while struggling to manage and keep another job that I was driving several hours to and from whenever I went, while homeless and living on couches, while dealing with my deteriorating physical and mental health because I was well past my body’s limits. On top of that I actually ended up also having to manage moving to a new place while I was freelancing and for almost a week straight I would sleep 3-4 hours a night just to ensure I had finished everything on time. I drove myself into the ground because I WANTED more than anything to do well, I needed to get myself out of this and at this point I had nothing to lose. I was also doing something I was really passionate about.
Despite all of that, the experience was absolutely amazing and worth every bit of the severe exhaustion points I drove myself into, regardless of whether anything further comes of it isn’t the point.
Getting to have involvement in storytelling on a cartoon I am really excited about at a studio I love was basically my dream and during the Summer where I thought I was going to probably die, I was given the opportunity to live it, even if it was just for a temporary gig.
The other day I turned in the work my board partner and I did and broke down crying as I left the studio because I was finally allowed to take a moment to look at how far I had come.
I started in a situation where I honest to god thought there was no way out and was in so much pain (still am over it) that I believed this was the end. However, thanks to the support and encouragement from others, I was able to end it on a note where I can feel proud of myself in a bittersweet way because I did it.
I survived the Summer.
In a way, I got to see just how much I could accomplish despite the mountain of obstacles in my way and it gives me hope that I will be okay, because if I could fight through this, I feel like I’ll be able to get through whatever else life throws at me in the future. I can finally breathe.
For the record, I would not consider myself stronger from this situation. It did not make me stronger, it only damaged me further in a way that I’ll have to deal with the repercussions for the rest of my life. What it did do, however, was show me where my limits were, and how much I can fight through when I’ve not only hit my limits but gone past them. I wish I was NEVER put in a situation where I had to figure out where my limits were. I would never wish this amount of hardship upon anyone.
To end this, I want to thank every single person who has supported me. From people who sent me supportive messages, to people who commissioned me and have been patient with me as I worked around all of this to complete them, to people who gave me a place to stay, to the people who sat with me through my breakdowns, who listened to me, who gave me a shoulder to cry on, to the people in the industry who allowed me to show them what I could do and have an amazing first freelance job experience in the professional animation world and solidify how much storytelling means to me and how much I want to continue to go down this path in my life.
Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much.
