Let's Sperg Randall Reads a Terrible RPG: Wraeththu - aka Bishonen: The Mary Sueing

[Splendid]

When you finish this, hmu and we'll do some other systems together. Racial Holy War is hilarious and needs a good mocking too.

 

[Sable]

Your choice of theme there was pretty fitting.

You could like, stand on a narrow walkway and none of those faggy bowie wannabies could get past because you'd be unkillable.

 

[Randall Fragg]

RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG:
Part 16 (17? Fuck if I know): Captain Rapebeard's Guide to Combat

Posting this guy again because I think this is one of the only good things to come out of this book. Gimp-suit and mohawk clad man with a knife and what may or may not be a beard is an amazing piece of trash art, right next to the I Abuse Linux guy. Slap a "SOON" on that and it's a great reaction image.
Sadly, the rest of the chapter is much less entertaining, mostly being a rehash of things that we already went over.
For example, the flow of combat (featuring more edgy quotes)

Spoiler: I've read this like 10 times and I'm still at a loss

This whole combat system is like the generic RPG combat system, but fucked up into a klunky mess.

More shit about damage and the Thoughtfully Designed health system they have (the one where you have two hit point systems, and all characters from Skinny Sam to Brawny Biff can take the exact same amount of damage before they die).

Spoiler: Oh look, yet another thing Wraythultoo are better than humans at

Basically, you need to take 100 damage (if you're a filthy humie, 150 if you're a Mary Sue). Now comparing this to the weapons table, we find that, given maximum damage it takes exactly:

• 12 shots from an Uzi
• 12 hits from a mace
• 12 stabs with a pike
• 12 slashes with a katana
• 33 shots from a .22 derringer (pphhn, Reagan was a pussy)
• 5 shots from an AK-47
• 16 shots from a Mauser pistol
• 6 shots from a Desert Eagle
• 8 shots from a 12-gauge shotgun
• 8 slices with a claymore
• 7 shots from a 44 magnum
• 4 shots from an M60 machine gun
• 4 slices with a Zwihander
• 2 shots from a fucking .50 BMG

To actually kill someone. It's one thing to abstract weapon damage in an RPG to a point where weapons deadly in the real world are laughably under-powered. It's another thing to do that and then proclaim that your system is "hardcore realistic".
Oh wait, my bad. Even those aren't enough to instantly kill someone.

Spoiler: Coma and Death

No, you need to take 50 points of damage beyond your maximum to actually instantly die. Get shot in the face with a .50 BMG and all it does it put you in a coma, instead of instantly killing you. Just stick some magic bandaids on your liquefied chest cavity and you'll be alright!

After this we get more boring tables about carrying weight and jumping and shit, and some information about turning into a vegetable if you suffocate.
And to top off this shithole of a chapter, we end with a lexicon with some Random Access Humor!

Spoiler: It's funny cause Badgers don't do those things!

Who would have thought that the writers of Wraethlu would have awful senses of humor?

NEXT TIME ON RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG:
Fucking Magic, How Does It Work?

 

[Sable]

With how you mentioned the armour working, the best thing a party could do is go 100% deus vult, dress themselves up in layers of plate and chain then go after the mary sue wankers with maces.

 

[Randall Fragg]

So, I decided to look into the authors of this mess, Gabriel Strange (now Gabriel Strange-Wood, he got married to the other author of this) a bit, in the hopes he could be a potential lolcow. (Un)fortunantly, aside from a 2005 RPGnet thread of him sperging out over people mocking his game, he just has a boring Twitter account (Archive) amoung other social media sites, and some sort of artist site. In 5-minutes of searching I couldn't find anything funny, don't know if there is, hopefully Gabriel Strange-Wood looks back on the Wraythulu RPG as something cringy he did when he was younger (well, 29).
Anyway, it's time for more
RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG
Part 18 or something
Fucking magic, how does it work?

Spoiler: And I don't want to talk to no scientist, y'all motherfuckers are lying and shit

• Our introduction to magic comes from an in-universe writing by a Molaskess-har-Sulh, the high Codexia (because 'librarian' isn't special enough) of the Library of Kyme. Which is a place that means something I guess?
• Anchuent Cherocekans once worked magic and shit, which is apparently not just manipulation of energy but "being aware of the connectedness of all things and having an understanding that we are but part of the whole" (taking a shitton of LSD)
• People once believed in magic and demons, and shamans would get high and fight otherworldly entities, and everyone dressed in loincloths and battled orcs with their longswords and danced around Stonehenge and shit in holes in the ground and the pesky nerd who claimed that not throwing the corpses in the drinking water would improve sanitation got thrown to the tigers.
• But then, the eeevil Scientist Man came, and using the powers of observation, hypothesis formation, and experimentation turned people away from this hippie utopia and towards the madness inducing robot computer brain god dystopia known as 'running water, sanitation, and not being eaten by predators'.
• This caused Mother Gaia to create the Wraythiulhu to exterminate mankind for daring to stop sacrificing people so the sun won't go out.
• TD;LR WE WUZ WIZARDS N SHIT!

Spoiler: r/iamhighandthisisdeep

• Raytoolu are better at humans than magic and telepathy, because we need more things for them to be better at.
• It starts about how everything is energy and quickly just becomes utter nonsense. Like, what the hell does "the oak tree joins with the thought with the water with the breath with the mountains with the desire" even mean?
• I've made LSD jokes twice now, because it's fitting. This reads like the kind of stuff someone tripping balls would write down thinking that it's some kind of earth-shattering revelation that will bring about enlightenment. And then upon reading it sober realizes that it's completely inane babble and throws it away in embarrassment.
• Raythulu have a psychic internet that's better than that filthy normie internet.
• A square with the corners sanded off is a octagon you fucking sped.

Spoiler: Pop philosophy and bad psychedelic art

• There are things called "otherlanes", which are like wormholes or something beyond consensual reality (typing that phrase makes me cringe internally, there is nothing consensual about reality)
• The Gelaming (apparently I've been typing Gleaming all this time, man fuck you Storm Constantine you old yaoi-fanboy faghag) have access to 'sedim', which are the only means to enter the Magic Wormholes
• And then we get info about 'sedu', which are magic flying horses that can open up the magic wormholes, and are apparently the reason for some of those fucking flying white horses quotes that I was confused over.
• Wait, is it 'sedim' or 'sedu'? It seems to switch words every other fucking sentance. Are they describing the same thing? Is sedu just the singular of sedim? But both instances are used in singular and plural usage oh fuck me this game is utter asscheese.
• Upon traveling into the magical wormhole you go in to the magic horse
• Apparently humanity became less civilized and erudite the more technologically advanced we became, because science is eeeevil. Apparently widespread literacy, washing your hands before surgery, not shitting in a pit in the woods, and using machine labor instead of enslaving other humans counts as 'less civilized'.
• Magic is really super advanced science that humans lost because of the evil of Scientist Man. I mean, you'd think that if magic was demonstrably real people would have said Scientist Man was full of shit and just cast magic missile on his Armies of Science. But maybe I'm not as #woke as the author.
• This is the first three pages. This is going to be a doozy.

 

[Sable]

• This is the first three pages. This is going to be a doozy.

*Screams externally*

 

[SuperSheep]

• Magic is really super advanced science that humans lost because of the evil of Scientist Man. I mean, you'd think that if magic was demonstrably real people would have said Scientist Man was full of shit and just cast magic missile on his Armies of Science. But maybe I'm not as #woke as the author.

I kind of wish if someone did a Magic vs Science, then it'd play out as an Aristocracy vs Commonfolk scenario, where magic is found in the hands of an elite few that might use it for good, might use it for bad, but usually use it for themselves. Hence why science was adopted, because any rando off the street can pour baking soda into vinegar and get a reaction, but to cast a fireball you need to be Special.

 

[Jaimas]

So, I decided to look into the authors of this mess, Gabriel Strange (now Gabriel Strange-Wood, he got married to the other author of this) a bit, in the hopes he could be a potential lolcow. (Un)fortunantly, aside from a 2005 RPGnet thread of him sperging out over people mocking his game, he just has a boring Twitter account (Archive) amoung other social media sites, and some sort of artist site. In 5-minutes of searching I couldn't find anything funny, don't know if there is, hopefully Gabriel Strange-Wood looks back on the Wraythulu RPG as something cringy he did when he was younger (well, 29).
Anyway, it's time for more
RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG
Part 18 or something
Fucking magic, how does it work?

Spoiler: And I don't want to talk to no scientist, y'all motherfuckers are lying and shit

• Our introduction to magic comes from an in-universe writing by a Molaskess-har-Sulh, the high Codexia (because 'librarian' isn't special enough) of the Library of Kyme. Which is a place that means something I guess?
• Anchuent Cherocekans once worked magic and shit, which is apparently not just manipulation of energy but "being aware of the connectedness of all things and having an understanding that we are but part of the whole" (taking a shitton of LSD)
• People once believed in magic and demons, and shamans would get high and fight otherworldly entities, and everyone dressed in loincloths and battled orcs with their longswords and danced around Stonehenge and shit in holes in the ground and the pesky nerd who claimed that not throwing the corpses in the drinking water would improve sanitation got thrown to the tigers.
• But then, the eeevil Scientist Man came, and using the powers of observation, hypothesis formation, and experimentation turned people away from this hippie utopia and towards the madness inducing robot computer brain god dystopia known as 'running water, sanitation, and not being eaten by predators'.
• This caused Mother Gaia to create the Wraythiulhu to exterminate mankind for daring to stop sacrificing people so the sun won't go out.
• TD;LR WE WUZ WIZARDS N SHIT!

Spoiler: r/iamhighandthisisdeep

• Raytoolu are better at humans than magic and telepathy, because we need more things for them to be better at.
• It starts about how everything is energy and quickly just becomes utter nonsense. Like, what the hell does "the oak tree joins with the thought with the water with the breath with the mountains with the desire" even mean?
• I've made LSD jokes twice now, because it's fitting. This reads like the kind of stuff someone tripping balls would write down thinking that it's some kind of earth-shattering revelation that will bring about enlightenment. And then upon reading it sober realizes that it's completely inane babble and throws it away in embarrassment.
• Raythulu have a psychic internet that's better than that filthy normie internet.
• A square with the corners sanded off is a octagon you fucking sped.

Spoiler: Pop philosophy and bad psychedelic art

• There are things called "otherlanes", which are like wormholes or something beyond consensual reality (typing that phrase makes me cringe internally, there is nothing consensual about reality)
• The Gelaming (apparently I've been typing Gleaming all this time, man fuck you Storm Constantine you old yaoi-fanboy faghag) have access to 'sedim', which are the only means to enter the Magic Wormholes
• And then we get info about 'sedu', which are magic flying horses that can open up the magic wormholes, and are apparently the reason for some of those fucking flying white horses quotes that I was confused over.
• Wait, is it 'sedim' or 'sedu'? It seems to switch words every other fucking sentance. Are they describing the same thing? Is sedu just the singular of sedim? But both instances are used in singular and plural usage oh fuck me this game is utter asscheese.
• Upon traveling into the magical wormhole you go in to the magic horse
• Apparently humanity became less civilized and erudite the more technologically advanced we became, because science is eeeevil. Apparently widespread literacy, washing your hands before surgery, not shitting in a pit in the woods, and using machine labor instead of enslaving other humans counts as 'less civilized'.
• Magic is really super advanced science that humans lost because of the evil of Scientist Man. I mean, you'd think that if magic was demonstrably real people would have said Scientist Man was full of shit and just cast magic missile on his Armies of Science. But maybe I'm not as #woke as the author.
• This is the first three pages. This is going to be a doozy.

BRB, gonna Science

 

[Randall Fragg]

Ahahaha, the old RPG site is archived, and includes an FAQ that's packed with complete bullshit.
Randall Reads a Terrible RPG
Part 19: oh god it keeps going
If Gab Strangewood spent as much time on the mechanics as he did on sperging about his goofy Homo Magic he might have an actually playable game

Spoiler: Goofy-sounding fantasy words and DARK MATTER!

• We start out with a glossary of the woo-woo terms (including one that's literally 'nightie'), with EdgeQuote #578 on the side there.
• Aaaannnd back to Scientist Man. We learn that ancient people believed that there were five basic elements, earth, wind, fire, water, and spirit (and that in combination they'd summon Captain Planet).
• But then came Science and the Age of Reason, and they defeated the #woke magic with their white devil tricknology.
• But Science Man couldn't explain dark matter, and so the eeeeevil dogma of science just used it as an excuse to ignore things they didn't know and fill in holes in scietrickfic theories. You know, despite it being one of the great mysteries of our time that thousands of people are working to figure out, and that developing a scientific theory that explains it would be one of the greatest scientific achievements of the 21st century?
• "Pure magic cannot be measured or examined by science" But why though? You'd think that if magic was real all along there'd be some, you know, tangible, testable evidence? Someone going "hey, look, I can do magic" and then offering empirical evidence would be a major discovery that would open up countless new areas of scientific inquiry. And yet if magic has always existed, why didn't it start actually doing shit until the Elliot Rogers Master Race showed up? Hell, it fucking states that a secret magical practice bridging the gap between science and magic has existed for thousands of years, but Scientist Man ignored them because they were evil and arrogant and didn't believe in primitive superstitions. But wouldn't they possibly take those primitive superstitions more seriously if anything they talked about could be empirically demonstrated? It's almost like this is all new age woo-woo made up by someone who slept through his high school science classes.
• Again, science replacing magic...for some reason, given that it apparently worked and there'd be evidence towards that. Hell, most of the early advances in modern chemistry were based on people in the Renaissance era trying to make alchemy work, you'd think that if someone learned how to actually make it work it'd have cached on.
• SCIENCE CANNOT SAVE YOU FROM THE AUTHOR'S MARY SUES!

And with that block of redundant woo-woo out of the way we finally begin to learn about magic...yaaaay.

Spoiler: Lore ripped off from Mage: The Ascension

• Three EdgeQuotes in one section, huzzah!
• Magic is apparently Rube-Goldberging your way through the universe to break tables.
• Hey, humanity actually gets something over the gaythtlooos. They can't just poof our shit into existence because we spent thousands of years of experimentation and innovation to actually understand and create them, and because of this the Glam Rockers don't understand how they actually work and will inevitably fuck up anything they poof into existence. Oh gee, wow, thanks game, you actually gave those evil humans something to be proud of.
• Crystals can apparently store magical energy.
• Remember kids, practice safe magic! Always wear a condom.

We get some more boring probability shit, and moaning about dogma and science and stuff. There's nothing really interesting here, so let's move on to

Spoiler: uh, good verse evil or something?

• Killing someone is a bad act. But killing a terrorist who was about to blow up is a good act. But maybe the terrorist is really a freedom fighter and the building is full of Nazis, so blowing it up is a good act. But that could kill innocent people, so that's a bad act. But what if you chase the terrorist down to the railroad and he pulls a lever that directs a train full of people into a wall. But there's a fat guy standing on the edge of a bridge that you can push onto the tracks to stop the train. But Baby Hitler is also on the train, and saving the train would save Baby Hitler. Is pushing the fat guy onto the train tracks to save a bunch of people and Baby Hitler from a switched track that was put into place by a terrorist who's really a freedom fighter, and letting the terrorist get away to do more good or evil deeds a good act?
• The wraythulo are beyond good and evil. They would push the fat man on top of the terrorist to shoot Baby Hitler in the face.
• Agmara is the magical go-go juice that makes magic work, so basically it's pretentious mana.
• Also using too much of it at a time will vaporize a raytoto into dust. Neat!
• The most sacred tool of the Wraethehelu is a

Fuck what's the next section?

Oh. Oh it's horrible.

• We are back to the flowersex, and the Raythulhu can be 'bothfunction' apparently, because the dick splits open.
• The Bishie gloryhole is a deep spiritual practice you guys.
• "Players should decide how much detail they wish to give if their character takes aruna" oh god you know anyone who would seriously play this game is going to give out all the details...
• "Aruna plays a big part in the novels, so should not be ignored in this game" Yep, we have gone full Magical Realm.

Fuck, I'm done for now.

Next time on Randall Reads a Terrible RPG:
The End is In Sight!

 

[Sable]

Ok, we'll not just be knights, but we'll be knights of SCIENCE and REASON operating out of a bunker somewhere.

It's not a ripoff if going on a quest involving (destroying) magical crystals saves the world from space faggots.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Randall Reads a Terrible RPG
Part 20 (oh god how is this not over yet)
The magic section is the absolute worst part of this book.
The lore and background is hilarious in how nonsensical it is.
The mechanics are so convoluted they make for great riffing material.
But the magic section...fuck me, it's just painful.

Spoiler: Magic cast from the moon has thousands of times the power of a fireball spell

See this crap about how lunar cycles influence your magic powers? And how there's crunch stuff right in there? That's pretty out of place, because being the genus he is Gabe Strange-Wood decided to split up the stupid fluff of the game system and the actual mechanics of how it works. For example, see this?

This section about how dicking around with magic fucks with probability and will get your shit pushed in?
Yeah, here's the actual rules

Spoiler: Notice the page number

41 pages forwards. And to top off the big 'fuck you' the rulebook gives you, the fluff order and the mechanics order is reversed. The fluff about probability comes first, and then the fluff about element magic. But in the mechanics section of the book, the element stuff comes first and the probability stuff comes last. It's a minor nitpick, but it manages to grind my 'tism gears. I guess when you're a game designer uberman like Gabe Strange, you can format books using 5th dimension non-linear patterns, but for us plebs seeing this shit jump around is really annoying.
So, after the rules about the moon, probability, and stuff about Flowerdick Surgeons, we get...more rants about the stupid humans and the evil Scientist-Religion Man.

Spoiler: This is the fucking 3rd time this chapter

• Humans are all chaotic evil and lack the ability to work together. You know, in spite of that whole "developing civilization" thing. Which is at its core made of independent actors working together for a common goal.
• 'Umans are good fer fightan ahn WAARRGHin yah flowadik gitz
• Also all humans always believed that magic wasn't real. Despite the thousands of years of mystical traditions in every recorded society, and the fact that people still believe in magic today (said people also tend to believe that bald people hide gold inside their heads)
• People that tapped into the COSMIC ENERGY were often locked away in institutions and thought of as crazy. You know, by that logic, would @Autphag, @Thomas Jay Wasserberg and Terry Davis actually be human magic users, since they're crazy believers in the occult who have been tossed in the loony bin a few times? God forbid that humanity's last hope against the Bishonen horde consist of a North-Koreaboo schizophrenic, an elderly pedophile, and a man who lives in the back of his van and programs for Jesus.
• Although that does sound much, much more entertaining than attempting to actually play Wraethlu.

Oh hey, now we actually learn what the fuck true magic is. It's made of up 12 different forces.

Spoiler: Miracles.mp3

• There. That's how long this stupid fluff section is. I was going to just sum it up, but I want you to suffer with me.
• Air, water, fire, and dirt manipulate gases, liquids, heat (but fire is a plasma), and solids.
• But then there's energy magic, which is Spirit (energy of living things), Kinetic (uh, anything moving), Gravity (which covers gravity, Fucking Magnets, and, uh, personal charisma), and Plasmatic (electricity. But magnetism is a product of electrical currents. So wouldn't magnets be included under here?).
• And Changing States Magic, which is Temporal (time n shit), Phase (changing the outcome of shit), Destruction (blowin shit up), and Conversion (turning shit into different shit)
• And then there's other aspects which get lumped in here. Order and Chaos, Manipulation, Resistance, and Probability. Not sure why, because we still don't get any damn mechanics for how this is supposed to work.
• 11 Edgy/Stupid quotes, a new record!

And of course the next section veers off into...tribal castes and magic ranks. Because this chapter is like a 5-year old hyped out on Red Bull and meth, it will not stop bouncing around.
And speaking about drugged out children, we get this bit of information about one of the Glam Rocker Tribes

Fuck, I'm done with this for tonight. The Magical Realming just went into overdrive.
Next up on Randall Reads a Terrible RPG:
Come one be done already

 

[Sable]

Every time I think this world has reached peak stupidity, Randall reads another page.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Randall Reads a Terrible RPG
Part 21 (Randall fails his sanity rolls)
And we return to the horrible slog through the magic section of the book, where we get to learn every excruciating detail about the magic fairy caste system that nobody but the author cares about. Literally, every fucking tribe section has a 7-section writeup detailing the stupid caste system. Like, here's the one for the Reptilian Pedofiles.

Spoiler: not sure why there's a behelit in the artwork, but Raytohloo do seem like something that would show up in Berserk

So, from this textwall we learn that once someone gets incelptioned into the Lizardman Pedos, they ascend through the cast system by going to the Magic Snake Cave, where he further completes his transformation into a Reptilian. The tribe goal is to learn about psychology, to better manipulate the warmbloods and conquer the Earth deal with confrontation with the angry biker gang of former Child Protective Service agents outsiders. They also use magic voodoo bullshit with snakecharmers, to predict the future by playing music at a snake. I imagine that snake charmer flutes are rather hard to come by in the post-apocalyptic world, and most of them make do with a bunch of plastic recorders they found in the ruins of an elementary school.

This shit goes on for seven more sections, each dealing with those stupid tribes of fuckups we don't care about: The Gleaming (obnoxious Mary Sue faggots who are better than everyone), the Sulh (Irish pagan hippies), Kakkahaar (slightly more rapey gypsies), Obliviata (the unholy spawn of Islams and Magical Bishie Clown-elves), Uigenna (rape bandits), Unneah (wallet-rape bandits), and Varrs (the designated EVIL tribe for having a functioning society). Ugghh, this should have been covered back in the section about these fucking tribes. Why is it all the way in the section about magic? What is the organizational pattern here?
Christ on a cracker this whole chapter is the absolute worst.
Anyway, let's at least get some idea on what the fuck this is talking about, the caste system.

Spoiler: A system with names that sound like a bunch of random letters pulled from a hat

So, a raytholu starts at first tier Kaimana and ranks up through Ara, Neoma, and Brynie, and then prestiges into the Second Tier Ulani and oh god this may be slightly interesting if this wasn't about magic sparkle fairies with flower-dicks.
And we finally get through it to the rules on Magic and how to actually fucking do the things. Which is a standard 1d20 roll under. Using it against a sentient creature takes into account a Resistance penalty. This is standard TTRPG mechanics, but compared to the textwalls of incomprehensible lore it's fucking mana from heaven.
After this introduction, we learn that complex items cannot be poofed into existence with magic

Spoiler: Finally the mundanes get something over the Magical 'Girls'

Which boils down to "in order to poof something like a sword out of thin air, you need to make a skill roll on your craft skill". Of course, this is extremely cheesible. Notice how it says that "unless you can prove your character knows how something is put together and works, you will still have to rely on a Skill roll blah blah blah".

• Step 1: game up your Chemistry and Weapons Smith skills. Make your backstory be that your dude was a gunsmith/survivalist who learned how to make his own blackpowder and primer, forge his own guns, and load his own cartridges
• Step 2: Do some research on how guns, gunpowder, and primer is made. Or just watch a bunch of How It's Made episodes. Be sure to take lots of notes!
• Step 3: Immediately start poofing shotguns and shells into existence. When the DM starts asking questions, pull out the large binder of notes you have and read off every excruciating detail on how shotguns/shotgun shells are made, until he gives up and lets you poof your flawless shotguns into existence.
• Step 4: You have now become Shotgun Wizard
  
• Step 5: Using your arsenal of ammo and pristine firearms, flood the market by selling your shit for as cheap as possible. Post-apocalyptic survivors flock to get your pristine weapons and ammo. Shotguns are listed as Hard to Find (one may come up for sale every few months) and Shells are either Uncommon (takes a few weeks to find) or Extremely Rare (A long time to find one available for trade, even in larger cities)
• Step 6: Congratulations, you have now established a virtual monopoly on shotguns and ammo. Nobody can make them as quick and cheap as you can, and you don't have to spend money on the raw materials or machinery.
• Step 7: Have everyone in the party do this, but for different items. Congrads, you are now the wasteland equivilant of tycoons.
• Step 8: Watch the GM tableflip as his flowerdick adventures is waylaid by CAPITALIST MAGIC (if he's a total sperg). If he's chill, then the whole game changes to taking over the world by forming a megacorp, and the adventures of your intrepid capitalist heros

Okay, the Adventures of Shotgun Wizard has changed this section of the book. Well, that and this masterpiece of shitty art.

That fucking face is too perfect. I had to do a thing

NEXT TIME ON RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG:
We get to the relatively tolerable stuff in the Magic Chapter...until it goes all FATAL and has rules about charging your mojo via rape.

 

[Jaimas]

Randall Reads a Terrible RPG
Part 21 (Randall fails his sanity rolls)
And we return to the horrible slog through the magic section of the book, where we get to learn every excruciating detail about the magic fairy caste system that nobody but the author cares about. Literally, every fucking tribe section has a 7-section writeup detailing the stupid caste system. Like, here's the one for the Reptilian Pedofiles.

Spoiler: not sure why there's a behelit in the artwork, but Raytohloo do seem like something that would show up in Berserk

So, from this textwall we learn that once someone gets incelptioned into the Lizardman Pedos, they ascend through the cast system by going to the Magic Snake Cave, where he further completes his transformation into a Reptilian. The tribe goal is to learn about psychology, to better manipulate the warmbloods and conquer the Earth deal with confrontation with the angry biker gang of former Child Protective Service agents outsiders. They also use magic voodoo bullshit with snakecharmers, to predict the future by playing music at a snake. I imagine that snake charmer flutes are rather hard to come by in the post-apocalyptic world, and most of them make do with a bunch of plastic recorders they found in the ruins of an elementary school.

This shit goes on for seven more sections, each dealing with those stupid tribes of fuckups we don't care about: The Gleaming (obnoxious Mary Sue faggots who are better than everyone), the Sulh (Irish pagan hippies), Kakkahaar (slightly more rapey gypsies), Obliviata (the unholy spawn of Islams and Magical Bishie Clown-elves), Uigenna (rape bandits), Unneah (wallet-rape bandits), and Varrs (the designated EVIL tribe for having a functioning society). Ugghh, this should have been covered back in the section about these fucking tribes. Why is it all the way in the section about magic? What is the organizational pattern here?
Christ on a cracker this whole chapter is the absolute worst.
Anyway, let's at least get some idea on what the fuck this is talking about, the caste system.

Spoiler: A system with names that sound like a bunch of random letters pulled from a hat

So, a raytholu starts at first tier Kaimana and ranks up through Ara, Neoma, and Brynie, and then prestiges into the Second Tier Ulani and oh god this may be slightly interesting if this wasn't about magic sparkle fairies with flower-dicks.
And we finally get through it to the rules on Magic and how to actually fucking do the things. Which is a standard 1d20 roll under. Using it against a sentient creature takes into account a Resistance penalty. This is standard TTRPG mechanics, but compared to the textwalls of incomprehensible lore it's fucking mana from heaven.
After this introduction, we learn that complex items cannot be poofed into existence with magic

Spoiler: Finally the mundanes get something over the Magical 'Girls'

Which boils down to "in order to poof something like a sword out of thin air, you need to make a skill roll on your craft skill". Of course, this is extremely cheesible. Notice how it says that "unless you can prove your character knows how something is put together and works, you will still have to rely on a Skill roll blah blah blah".

• Step 1: game up your Chemistry and Weapons Smith skills. Make your backstory be that your dude was a gunsmith/survivalist who learned how to make his own blackpowder and primer, forge his own guns, and load his own cartridges
• Step 2: Do some research on how guns, gunpowder, and primer is made. Or just watch a bunch of How It's Made episodes. Be sure to take lots of notes!
• Step 3: Immediately start poofing shotguns and shells into existence. When the DM starts asking questions, pull out the large binder of notes you have and read off every excruciating detail on how shotguns/shotgun shells are made, until he gives up and lets you poof your flawless shotguns into existence.
• Step 4: You have now become Shotgun Wizard
  
• Step 5: Using your arsenal of ammo and pristine firearms, flood the market by selling your shit for as cheap as possible. Post-apocalyptic survivors flock to get your pristine weapons and ammo. Shotguns are listed as Hard to Find (one may come up for sale every few months) and Shells are either Uncommon (takes a few weeks to find) or Extremely Rare (A long time to find one available for trade, even in larger cities)
• Step 6: Congratulations, you have now established a virtual monopoly on shotguns and ammo. Nobody can make them as quick and cheap as you can, and you don't have to spend money on the raw materials or machinery.
• Step 7: Have everyone in the party do this, but for different items. Congrads, you are now the wasteland equivilant of tycoons.
• Step 8: Watch the GM tableflip as his flowerdick adventures is waylaid by CAPITALIST MAGIC (if he's a total sperg). If he's chill, then the whole game changes to taking over the world by forming a megacorp, and the adventures of your intrepid capitalist heros

Okay, the Adventures of Shotgun Wizard has changed this section of the book. Well, that and this masterpiece of shitty art.

That fucking face is too perfect. I had to do a thing

NEXT TIME ON RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG:
We get to the relatively tolerable stuff in the Magic Chapter...until it goes all FATAL and has rules about charging your mojo via rape.

Wait a flowercocksucking second.

That's a female in this book on the far right! She has prominent breasts and everything.

....She must be lost.

 

[c-no]

Wait a flowercocksucking second.

That's a female in this book on the far right! She has prominent breasts and everything.

....She must be lost.

For all we know, that could just be a leatherman who is suffering from bad anatomy.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Randall Reads a Terrible RPG
Part 22: "Use rape to power up your magic juice"
So, after the mountain of annoying lore that only the authors cared about, we finally come to the rules governing magic, errr, excuse me, 'agmara' (which sounds like some kind of gross buildup you'd find in someone's unwashed private parts).

Spoiler: I think the EDGEQUOTE describes everyone associated with writing this book

Surprise surprise, it's the same 'roll under your skill on a d20' system used in every other instance. At least it's consistent.
And then we get to some of the rules for magic, which are presented in a very sandboxy, open format. Since this is a part of the system that has actual potential, I'm going to assume that they ripped this off from somewhere else.

Spoiler: Da big pages of rules

• One point in this game's favor, the use of "okay, this is the amount of whatever you can manipulate using your mojo, in metric units to help visualize" is pretty good. It's always nice to get a general idea of what your magical powerlevel is. Of course, the only problem is that this may lead to arguments by the resident rules lawyer over just how heavy that refrigerator he's throwing at the mook is.
• Apparently being proficient in fire magic makes you take only 1d6 damage per round. I have to assume that the authors meant that this is the damage that fire does, and they were too busy masturbating to their flowercock RPG to proofread.
• Oh my god the kinetic shit is so easy to break. The basic system is "You can move 1 kg at a rate of (Your value, given by the table)" and different rates of movement are gained by dividing the basic value by the weight in kilograms. Of course, there's nothing saying that you can't manipulate values lower than 1kg.
• CLASSICAL PHYSICS TIME! (all of this is conducted by briefly looking shit up while slightly intoxicated, accuracy may vary) Let's say a grain of sand weights about .001 kg. Now, using the formula given to us, using the 32 measurement would mean we could accelerate that grain of sand to around 32,000 Kph, enough to almost circle the globe at the equator in an hour (about 40,070 km). In meters per second, this equates to about 8,888 m/s. For reference, according to Wikipedia, the muzzle velocity of a 9mm bullet is about 400 m/s. The force exerted by this grain of sand is about 79,012 Newtons. I'm not a physicist, but looking up the statistics for various experimental rail gun systems shows that 8,888 m/s is over what can be currently be attained. Which means that the grain of sand is probably going to have it's outer layers shredded bu atmospheric friction, which is pretty neat.
• We need to go DEEPAH. The maximum statistic for the amount of whatever you can manipulate is 512 units. In this context, it means you can accelerate that grain of sand to 512,000 KpH. This is enough to fling that sucker to the moon (on average about 384,400 KM away) in under an hour. But wait, by the rules your Bishie Wizards can combine their powers to increase the level of mojo they have. So, if you have 10 guys at maximum rank working together, they could fire that grain of sand off at 5,120,000 KpH. If you could get 2,500 max level dudes together, you could get into "speed of light" territory.
• I take back everything I said, an RPG magic system that allows people to sandblast people to death and can be broken to the point of attaining relativistic velocities is fucking amazing.

Of course, casually making physics your bitch like this costs mana magika powerpoints Agmara, depending on the amount used

How much mojo juice you have is dependent on how fat you are (as per the character rules rules being a huge lardass makes you a more powerful wizard).
But how do you get your mojo back once you're drained it?
Well, you either have a physics-raping gang bang

Goku the shit out of things by having the surroundings led you their mojo juice

Turn the physics gang-bang into a literal gang bang

Or use the FATAL method: RAAAAAAPE!

By using the power of RAAAAAPE you can boost your mojo to insane levels, because just when this game was getting too dry and technical it had to remind us exactly who wrote it.
Essentially, by the rules, the most powerful wizards would be a gang of morbidly obese Boogie-look-a-likes riding through the wasteland on their hoverrounds, rape slaves/mojo juice batteries in tow. The mental image of that fully makes up for the sheer misery of the rest of this chapter.
After this complete masterpiece of fuckery, we learn about how to bind the souls of the damned to magic items to be used as a battery, and how making physics your bitch is a Bad Thing

Spoiler: Nothing I Could Do

And we get some basic overview on how the magic system is intended to be a sandbox affair, where you just develop your own spells based on the shit they give you. Like the rest of this book, the fluff for this chapter has been intolerable, but unlike the rest the mechanics have been passable, if only because they allow you to fuck around and be creative.
AND THAT'S IT FOR THIS FUCKING CHAPTER! ABOUT GODDAMN FUCKING TIME!
NEXT TIME ON RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG: The end of the fucking book (ft Gab Strange making an ass of himself on RPG.net)

 

[Randall Fragg]

RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG
Part 23: The End of the Line
Yes, it's here. We are at the final chapter of the book, the place where we get the Big List of Crap

Spoiler: Stuff to buy

• Because there's no currency, item values are listed as Common, Uncommon, Hard to Find, Rare, and Extremely Rare.
• Rare and Extremely Rare items are stated to be mostly holed up in human settlements, the implication being that Our Heros are going to go rape and murder some of da evil hoomans to get that Extremely Rare compass.
• Seriously, compasses are listed as "Extremely Rare" for some reason. Something that can be found in any sporting goods or hardware store (and can be made with a basic elementary school science project) is apparently as scarce as military grade combat armor.
• There's a section on how each of the scarcity levels is translated to each other (aka how many Common goods would it take to have a chance at buying a Rare good.) They made an attempt, and the implication is that this is supposed to be a general rule of thumb rather than something strict and literal.
• Which is good, because going by the table you could trade 16 plastic bottles for a grenade launcher.

A section later, we get more evidence that the authors have no fucking clue how guns work.

Spoiler: Firearms sperging :augleft:

• Guns are useless and should be traded out for swords as soon as possible. While running out of ammo does, on the surface, make sense, it breaks down quickly once you think about it. Black powder is something that any chemistry student or survivalist would know how to make, given that it's just charcoal, sulfur, and saltpeter, which can be produced or found relatively easily. And yet there's no mention of things like muzzleloading blackpowder weapons, despite the fact that they'd be easier to mass produce and train troops with than swords. It's just "nope, ran out of shotgun shells, better get a sword". Almost like the writers are stupid...
• The Walther WA-2000, an expensive weapon that had a production run of 172 units, 15 of which are in the United States, is listed as 'Hard to Find'
• In comparison, the Dragunov SVD rifle is listed as 'Extremely Rare, despite the fact that it was massed produced by the Soviet Union and is still utilized across the world by both third-world militaries and civilian users
• A .22 bullet can literally do 0 points of damage. Just, no. A .22 will kill someone if it hits something vital. It doesn't have the stopping power of a larger round, but that doesn't mean that getting shot by one isn't, well, getting fucking shot. According to the world of Wraethulu however, you can get shot in the face with a .22 and just walk it off. Reagan was just a pussy.

After this exercise in Realistic Game Design!, we get a chapter of generic (but much more useful that anything else in this book) advice on running a game, a shitty sample adventure, a brief overview of diceless roleplaying, and adventure ideas no one cares about.
Oh, and this

Spoiler: Flowersex and the Single Gamer

• This section is basically "how to ease your players into your magical realm".
• First, have your players mention that they're having flowersex every so often. Than, get more explicit and detailed, and have them decide if they're bottoms, tops, or switches. In no time at all they'll be making BDSM-gear clad rape goblins. Your magical realm is complete.
• This has been said before, but who in the actual fuck besides the authors would actually take this seriously? All of the RPG groups I've been in have had a great sense of humor, and would be heaving with laughter if someone actually attempted this.

Here's the map of all those places that were mentioned, where it's just modern maps with stupid names stuck over everything

And finally, the advertisements for the splatbooks that were never produced, because this game flopped harder than Jake Alley's boardgame.

Spoiler: Talk about putting the cart before the horse

• The Player's Guide (with the completely unpretentious name "Further Meditations on the Wraeththu") would include further information about the world, and more Mary Sue bullshit powers
• Also, the Nightlife of the Wraeththlu, because going clubbing is the first thing to do in a bleak, post-apocalyptic wasteland.
• New tribes would be added, such as the We Wuz Vikangz n Sheet NotSwedes, the Surfers n Sheet NotPolynesians, the Azteks n Sheet NotBrazilians, the Mounties n Sheet Kheops, the Eskemo n Sheet Inukshuk, and the Vaguely Defined n Sheet Olopade.
• Also the Mary Sues to end all Mary Sues, the Gleaming, and the generic evil empire who seem to be the only competant ones around, the Varr, are going to war.
• The Storyteller's Handbook would provide more information on what the fuck is happening in the world.
• Secret Societies would be a thing, on "both sides of the harish/human battle for the planet". Presumably all the Glam Rocker societies would be noble mystics who only seek to do good, while the human societies would be mustache-twirlingly evil mad scientists and intolerant bigots.
• There would have been a tribe of Asians called the 'Bo-So-Zo-Ku', who would probably be magical Chinese stereotypes who drive their deathcars really poorly.
• "The bizarre and secretive Aboriginie, who come from an inaccessible land". Wait, holy shit, you could play as a gas-huffing post-apocalyptic Dynastia? Goddamnit, do their stats include a racial weakness to sleep spells within sight of a road?
• Nice grammar on that last bullet point.

And we're at the back cover!

Spoiler: PRAISE BE!

And they wanted $41 bucks for this turd. Jesus christ.

BONUS: The author makes an ass of himself on RPGnet.
Back in the good old days after 9/11, RPGnet was less of an utter shithole than it is now. It was still a shithole of course, but it's like comparing Brazil to Somalia.
When Wraeththlu was announced, the forums, by-and-large, reacted with mockery. His feelings hurt, Gabe Strange showed up to teach those haters a lesson.
Hilarity ensues.

Spoiler: Vintage autism

The original press release:

White Wolf ripped US off:

Gabe Arrives:

The combat was developed by REAL TRAINED SWORDZMEN, and is why it's a clunky mess. Magic is SUPPOSED TO BE CLUNKY, IT'S A FEATURE! Also, Gabe cannot grammer or speel well, and types like he's just done a line of cocaine.

People quickly realize that he's sockpuppeting

And start questioning the whole "no blackpowder firearms" thing. His response confirms that he doesn't know anything about firearms. Also his Mary Sues are more enlightened than humanity, despite being gangs of barbaric rapists.

"Waaahhh, stop picking on me "

Someone attempts to give Gabe advice that he will ignore

Gabe helpfully explains that this RPG started out as a fan fiction guide, that this was supposed to be a 'grim n realistic' setting, that he has a Japanese friend to help base the Japanese tribe of flowerdicks off of, and how the user agreeing with him and using his same spelling mistakes is totally not him despite being connected via the same IP address.

In attempting to defend the lack of guns, Gabe looks like an even bigger idiot. He also did true and honest research on actual magic systems such as Enochian, kabala, and Chaos Magick. And apparently believes that Wraeththu could be real, because everyone is actually a hermaphrodite because of their chromosomes and clownfish can change their sex (and he reads National Geographic, so he's an expert) so the magical bishonen mary sues are 100% realistic you guies.

Gabe reeees about how since Sci-Fi games make some attempts at realistic spaceship combat, bragging about his realistic magic system is totally legit. Someone points out that the general physics of space can be scientifically tested, while his magic woo-woo can't. Gabe rages and claims that magic is real because people once believed space flight was impossible

After being thoroughly mocked, Gabe takes his ball and goes home, whining about how the closed-minded geeks with a gun fetish don't understand the true experience of Wraethulhu

NEXT TIME ON THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG
Why FATAL is a more entertaining game than Wraethuthlu.

 

[MuuMuu Bunnylips]

Wow. I cut myself so badly on the edge that I'm growing faint from blood loss.

 

[Zaryiu]

RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG
Part 23: The End of the Line
Yes, it's here. We are at the final chapter of the book, the place where we get the Big List of Crap

Spoiler: Stuff to buy

• Because there's no currency, item values are listed as Common, Uncommon, Hard to Find, Rare, and Extremely Rare.
• Rare and Extremely Rare items are stated to be mostly holed up in human settlements, the implication being that Our Heros are going to go rape and murder some of da evil hoomans to get that Extremely Rare compass.
• Seriously, compasses are listed as "Extremely Rare" for some reason. Something that can be found in any sporting goods or hardware store (and can be made with a basic elementary school science project) is apparently as scarce as military grade combat armor.
• There's a section on how each of the scarcity levels is translated to each other (aka how many Common goods would it take to have a chance at buying a Rare good.) They made an attempt, and the implication is that this is supposed to be a general rule of thumb rather than something strict and literal.
• Which is good, because going by the table you could trade 16 plastic bottles for a grenade launcher.

A section later, we get more evidence that the authors have no fucking clue how guns work.

Spoiler: Firearms sperging :augleft:

• Guns are useless and should be traded out for swords as soon as possible. While running out of ammo does, on the surface, make sense, it breaks down quickly once you think about it. Black powder is something that any chemistry student or survivalist would know how to make, given that it's just charcoal, sulfur, and saltpeter, which can be produced or found relatively easily. And yet there's no mention of things like muzzleloading blackpowder weapons, despite the fact that they'd be easier to mass produce and train troops with than swords. It's just "nope, ran out of shotgun shells, better get a sword". Almost like the writers are stupid...
• The Walther WA-2000, an expensive weapon that had a production run of 172 units, 15 of which are in the United States, is listed as 'Hard to Find'
• In comparison, the Dragunov SVD rifle is listed as 'Extremely Rare, despite the fact that it was massed produced by the Soviet Union and is still utilized across the world by both third-world militaries and civilian users
• A .22 bullet can literally do 0 points of damage. Just, no. A .22 will kill someone if it hits something vital. It doesn't have the stopping power of a larger round, but that doesn't mean that getting shot by one isn't, well, getting fucking shot. According to the world of Wraethulu however, you can get shot in the face with a .22 and just walk it off. Reagan was just a pussy.

After this exercise in Realistic Game Design!, we get a chapter of generic (but much more useful that anything else in this book) advice on running a game, a shitty sample adventure, a brief overview of diceless roleplaying, and adventure ideas no one cares about.
Oh, and this

Spoiler: Flowersex and the Single Gamer

• This section is basically "how to ease your players into your magical realm".
• First, have your players mention that they're having flowersex every so often. Than, get more explicit and detailed, and have them decide if they're bottoms, tops, or switches. In no time at all they'll be making BDSM-gear clad rape goblins. Your magical realm is complete.
• This has been said before, but who in the actual fuck besides the authors would actually take this seriously? All of the RPG groups I've been in have had a great sense of humor, and would be heaving with laughter if someone actually attempted this.

Here's the map of all those places that were mentioned, where it's just modern maps with stupid names stuck over everything

And finally, the advertisements for the splatbooks that were never produced, because this game flopped harder than Jake Alley's boardgame.

Spoiler: Talk about putting the cart before the horse

• The Player's Guide (with the completely unpretentious name "Further Meditations on the Wraeththu") would include further information about the world, and more Mary Sue bullshit powers
• Also, the Nightlife of the Wraeththlu, because going clubbing is the first thing to do in a bleak, post-apocalyptic wasteland.
• New tribes would be added, such as the We Wuz Vikangz n Sheet NotSwedes, the Surfers n Sheet NotPolynesians, the Azteks n Sheet NotBrazilians, the Mounties n Sheet Kheops, the Eskemo n Sheet Inukshuk, and the Vaguely Defined n Sheet Olopade.
• Also the Mary Sues to end all Mary Sues, the Gleaming, and the generic evil empire who seem to be the only competant ones around, the Varr, are going to war.
• The Storyteller's Handbook would provide more information on what the fuck is happening in the world.
• Secret Societies would be a thing, on "both sides of the harish/human battle for the planet". Presumably all the Glam Rocker societies would be noble mystics who only seek to do good, while the human societies would be mustache-twirlingly evil mad scientists and intolerant bigots.
• There would have been a tribe of Asians called the 'Bo-So-Zo-Ku', who would probably be magical Chinese stereotypes who drive their deathcars really poorly.
• "The bizarre and secretive Aboriginie, who come from an inaccessible land". Wait, holy shit, you could play as a gas-huffing post-apocalyptic Dynastia? Goddamnit, do their stats include a racial weakness to sleep spells within sight of a road?
• Nice grammar on that last bullet point.

And we're at the back cover!

Spoiler: PRAISE BE!

And they wanted $41 bucks for this turd. Jesus christ.

BONUS: The author makes an ass of himself on RPGnet.
Back in the good old days after 9/11, RPGnet was less of an utter shithole than it is now. It was still a shithole of course, but it's like comparing Brazil to Somalia.
When Wraeththlu was announced, the forums, by-and-large, reacted with mockery. His feelings hurt, Gabe Strange showed up to teach those haters a lesson.
Hilarity ensues.

Spoiler: Vintage autism

The original press release:

White Wolf ripped US off:

Gabe Arrives:

The combat was developed by REAL TRAINED SWORDZMEN, and is why it's a clunky mess. Magic is SUPPOSED TO BE CLUNKY, IT'S A FEATURE! Also, Gabe cannot grammer or speel well, and types like he's just done a line of cocaine.

People quickly realize that he's sockpuppeting

And start questioning the whole "no blackpowder firearms" thing. His response confirms that he doesn't know anything about firearms. Also his Mary Sues are more enlightened than humanity, despite being gangs of barbaric rapists.

"Waaahhh, stop picking on me "

Someone attempts to give Gabe advice that he will ignore

Gabe helpfully explains that this RPG started out as a fan fiction guide, that this was supposed to be a 'grim n realistic' setting, that he has a Japanese friend to help base the Japanese tribe of flowerdicks off of, and how the user agreeing with him and using his same spelling mistakes is totally not him despite being connected via the same IP address.

In attempting to defend the lack of guns, Gabe looks like an even bigger idiot. He also did true and honest research on actual magic systems such as Enochian, kabala, and Chaos Magick. And apparently believes that Wraeththu could be real, because everyone is actually a hermaphrodite because of their chromosomes and clownfish can change their sex (and he reads National Geographic, so he's an expert) so the magical bishonen mary sues are 100% realistic you guies.

Gabe reeees about how since Sci-Fi games make some attempts at realistic spaceship combat, bragging about his realistic magic system is totally legit. Someone points out that the general physics of space can be scientifically tested, while his magic woo-woo can't. Gabe rages and claims that magic is real because people once believed space flight was impossible

After being thoroughly mocked, Gabe takes his ball and goes home, whining about how the closed-minded geeks with a gun fetish don't understand the true experience of Wraethulhu

NEXT TIME ON THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF RANDALL READS A TERRIBLE RPG
Why FATAL is a more entertaining game than Wraethuthlu.

If you do Fatal i request you read Black Tokyo, i need an non-sjw review of that (oh yeah and it's worses than ATAL and has Splatbooks that pile more awful shit that also were reviewed by an sjw)

 

[Randall Fragg]

If you do Fatal i request you read Black Tokyo, i need an non-sjw review of that (oh yeah and it's worses than ATAL and has Splatbooks that pile more awful shit that also were reviewed by an sjw)

I do believe there is a review of sorts of Black Tokyo on the farms. And I know that there is a FATAL thread on here.