Have you ever had that 'awkward moment' where a part of Chris's life reflects a part of your own?
It's because of those moments that cause me to feel a sense of sympathy towards Chris. He's misguided in so many ways, and emotionally immature - but worse for him still, is the fact that his Autism stops him from learning from his mistakes. And although I feel better for having learned from mine, that doesn't mean I feel sadness reading and watching some of his material, because I feel sorry for those that tried to be his friend, and sorry for him, when he takes things too far, because his disability takes control of his actions.
I can relate to how he feels with his experiences at Manchester High. His friends from school might have been 'fake' or formed out of sympathy (or even 'bought') - but he had them nonetheless, and I think this is why he keeps revisiting those days in his mind. He finished school, and what did he have, where does he go, who does he talk to, who listens... who cares?
And I felt the same way too. I had fake friends, but realised pretty quickly. I could've had better friendships, but I had 'issues' myself that made me feel I could never possibly fit in anywhere, so I hid. I'd go home and there was no one but my parents. My mom became my best friend. Summer holidays were awful - nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to talk to - and I see that in Chris too. Although his is an extreme example, I too, spent all day and all night in my room - surfing the internet and playing games. I told myself I'd stay in education for as long as possible, because I knew once that was over, I'd have nothing.
I found myself in full time employment, a very good job, very stable and secure, and paid very well. But I had nothing. I had all the money in the world. And like Chris, none of it meant anything without friends, companionship or the never ending belief that a relationship is out of the question. True, I didn't spend my money on toys and junk, in fact the opposite - I saved it, I was rich. But what was that wealth really worth? Just as we've all questioned the worth of Chris's hoard before the infamous house fire.
Even reading the Megan emails is reflective of my own emotional immaturity when I was about 16. I once made a friend, who through email, I managed to completely obliterate that friendship. I did that twice, and again recently. The first time was all born out of bordem, nothingness and loneliness. Having all the time in the world to do nothing other than sit at my computer. I didn't draw crazy pictures and try to justify them, but instead when I was 16 the first time, I played silly games that were hurtful, and spiralled out of control - the same, but different in relation to Chris. The last time was the last straw for me, and I can't tell you the absolute anguish I still feel about it - they were so kind to me, and in my suicidal and depressed mania, I threw it back at them, I pushed and I pushed until they vanished. I asked for that, and I've no one to blame but myself. It wasn't just with them, it was with everyone, my other friends and family. I'm lucky I have anyone left to even call a friend.
The biggest difference between me and Chris however, is like I said, I've learned. I'm not sure I'm happy with the lessons I've learned, but I've learnt them all the same. I feel undeserving of friends, because of the way I treated them in the past. I still lock myself away in my room, not because I want to, but because I simply don't know any other way. It frustrates me sometimes to hear people on here and on youtube when they say - "go out, make friends, socialise" - for people like me and Chris, even though I'm not Autistic, when you grow up never knowing how, by the time your an adult - those skills are expected to be known, and we don't know, genuinely, we have no idea. It's sad with Chris, because with the right help, he could've had so much guidance given to him because of his disability, whereas me, I got none, because I'm a 'normal' average person.
But I'm not really. I had to admit to who I am and how I feel, which I realised was the source of all my personal problems from when I was a kid, and... surprising just like Chris (depending on your belief), I wish I was a girl. Do I believe Chris though, not really. I can't help but wonder if it's a crazy attempt at 'getting laid'. Me? I'm a virgin too, and I've never had a relationship either. Never so much as even held someone's hand. But that's one thing I'm proud of. I never went out of my way to 'lose my virginity'. Unlike the other boys I heard spoke about it, they had this desperate desire, urge, 'need' if you will, to lose it. It meant something to me, and it still does.
But through all the madness and insanity of Chris's life exposed here online, there is something within him that is fragile - he's lost, alone, misguided and confused, heightened by his disability. At first we cringe when we discover all this material, but we look deeper, and I don't know, for me, I find someone who just never had a chance in life. Even when he was given those chances, he didn't know what to do with them, instead finding himself destroying them, and again through his disability, unable to understand why. And I think that's sad.
As for me, I'm trying to deal with my own issues. I don't walk around in a dress, I'm not part of an LGBT group, I don't shout it from the rooftops, and I don't feel 'proud' to be 'out'. I feel it's just another thing for me to feel even more isolated - Chris is crazy, but at least an element of him doesn't give a fuck. I have friends, but as they grow up, pair up, have babies, move in together, and begin a new life - I'm left behind. And again I imagine Chris feels this way too, only he can't express or communicate it.
The biggest difference between me and Chris though, is that I've learned, and I'm trying as best I know how, without guidance, to make my life is some way better. I'm back at school, and I'm seeing a counsellor about my issues. But I feel like I'm 14 again, and as with Chris, I have no one to guide me, to help me... I just have to figure things out for myself.
TL;DR I know - but if you made it this far, I felt compelled to post this after watching the leaked 04' Xmas video, after realising that there was a reflection of truth there too.
is because Clyde taunted Chris until he lost his temper and, in a fit of tardrage, decided that the way to deny he was a transvestite was to also reveal that he shits himself in the hope that Clyde would get sensory overload and die or something. Fuller details came through Ivy. With most of the intimate stuff, it comes through sweethearts or tardrage.
