I know everyone else is celebrating and I should feel happy, but I don't. I am worried for the people I know who are caught up in troonery, there is just so many people in my life that I lost. I am worried what they will do to themselves, they are ill.
I wish I was nicer to some of them, admittedly I treated one person in particular like shit because they had it better and I wanted to tear them down. They went to private school, had all these friends, was male, had that Christian life always wanted. Well now he's down, I got what I wanted because my own life improved. But now he's down. I didn't hate him, I used to idolize him. Ever since he went down this rabbit hole, I haven't been the same since. I don't want to want to think my actions had any effect on him, but it probably did in some way.
I just want these people to get better. I don't want TTD. I just want everyone to be better people and to be happy The fact these people are gonna die young when previously they had their whole lives ahead of them is horrible. Most of these people I knew had everything going for them. All of this was preventable.
Even if the tides turn, I feel cynical and bitter. Oh it's so easy for all these people, all these fake ass people, to move on and potentially act like none of this happened. But it did happen, and hundreds have died because of it. I don't care if several of these leftists peaked at the last moment, it doesn't change anything. Their cowardice caused so much damage to peoples' lives.
Ive always struggled with existential dread in some way but this whole thing really made it my main struggle. I just feel like this isnt over, that theres more to come. We are in a completely new era, completely uncharted territory unlike anything seen in history. Man theres so much that has happened in my life so far, in many other peoples lives. Like to think I got 50 more years of this is insane. So much have happened in just one single decade. Things never seen prior in history. And more things are bound to happen, life will progress. People you caree about will die and theres nothing you can do to prevent it. They will die in various ways, and now in completely new ways. Nothing is ever forever so you better cherish the things you have now because eventually its all gonna go away one way or another.
I don't understand why God would make things like this, what's the point? I know we are bound to suffer, but why? Even if you were to believe in simulations /"fulfiling a mission" where we are all set out to learn things, why are we learning things to begin with? Why was everything made to be like this? What is going to happen once we die? What happens to the people around us when they die? Do they get peace, were they ever real to begin with? Will I ever hear from them again, are they gonna be "punished", are they gonna heal or are they gonna remain the same? I guess if anything, all of this isnpires me to wanna become a better person, yet what am I meant to do? Because even if you have good intentions, you will still hurt people.
Man I am the closest I ever been to wanting to join Peace Corps or some missionay type shit. Spread some joy and help the best you can, yaknow. FFS be honest with each other. If you think something is wrong, say it. If you find value in someone, say it. If you look upto someone, say it. If you hate someone, you should probably say that too but only if you really mean it. Dont act coy. Dont try be to be someone you arent in an effort to save face. Moset of this wouldve been avoided if people were honest about how they felt.