random_text.txt / Random Quotes - Back in the day it was literally a text file on the webserver called random_text.txt and now it's a whole thing.

[Minorityreport]

''NOW WAIT A MINUTE MATT, NOOO''

 

[Secret Boots]

"my neighbor just died, i have to text a 13 year old on discord"

 

[Dead Gay Muppet Gangbang]

I asked my boss if I had to come in if there was a nuclear strike. Boss said I had to come in.

Look, I'm calling in because I have an absolute gold mine. Mind? Gold mine? Gold mine and gold mind.

Did you name her after the Buffalo Bills?

If the straight of homoz isn't opened I'm fucking done.

 

[Dr. Butt]

Children who got beat by their dads often turn into homosexuals at a later age.

 

[DumbDude43]

Liquid soap is a subversive Jewish invention. Never use it. I only wash with bars of pine tar soap and I recommend it it to all my fellow aryan voivodes who are still washing with unnaturally colored Jew Gel. I never get acne or skin rashes and I always smell like pine trees from the Carpathian Mountains; the scent is disconcerting to brown people and arousing to white women.

 

[Dr. Butt]

Was she sitting on the Bench That Makes You Want To Kill Yourself?

 

[King Metalia]

You seem like a fetish investor

 

[Autistic Joe]

I was having dinner the other night at a fancy restaurant, and I accidentally inhaled a piece of steak. I started choking and a bunch of people rushed to help. It was really awkward because the entire time I was choking I couldn't stop cumming.

 

[Harvey Danger]

It appears that Mr Nubbly gave this baby an enormous package.

MATI episode from April 3, 2026 at 03:43:09

 

[General Zoider]

I once got told by an autistic girl that "I can sense the autism in you".

 

[Big Nasty]

Trying to be le based chud doesn't really work when you're a 90 pound freak with moobs who has a documented history of getting railed by niggers

"So anyway I saved this picture of kasumi from dead or alive getting buck broken by a frog."

How else can we get "eat a big gummy bear" that turns into potential third degree burns and people shitting themselves.

 

[UnsufficentBoobage]

I thought I was going to have to deliberately hurt a mammal for the first time in my life

The most exciting story would be the one Ibn Battuta lists by saying he exiled a "white" to a country of cannibals, but he survived as they think pale skin means they aren't ripe

However, sometimes you can't really tell if certain abolitionists were racist or just really retarded

there's been a cybertruck parked outside my window the past week or so and it's making me very upset

When was the last time you pleasured yourself with a cow?

Dogs will find the least comfortable material and position to sleep in for hours and treat it like the beds of asphodel from the Odyssey.

pain the arsh

It's just the Stanford Prison Experiment except all of the guards have kyphosis and porn addiction

imagine being retarded but also so retarded you dont know how a slot machine works

Incidentally, the law requires the bear to be tattooed, which means someone in Montana has an awesome job description

I found a DC set also from the 90s that appears to be completely Batmanless

One time my friend and I drove across the US, climbed a mountain and drove back in six days because that's all the time he could get off work and I forgot to put sunscreen on my legs and got burned so bad they blistered and swelled up like balloons but when I put aloe on them the pain woke me up enough to drive us back home when caffeine had long since stopped making a difference.

So yeah I bet.

Between that and that brownie-ception video my kidneys are trying to punch their way out through my eyeballs

But at least we aren't the singsong fjord apes or god forbid, the islamic nation of Sweden. I'd rather speak with a potato in my mouth than be either

Furfags are so numerous that their cursed souls make up the ground of every layer simultaneously condemning them without explicitly mentioning them

I wish UPS were a living, feeling entity so that I could strangle it to death with my bare hands.

I need the time and dates. Will fly to the UK, show up midway with a massive erection and be like “Oi loves, I’m an American. Who wants to ride my todger, what what?” (That’s how they speak) and breed with all of them to create a race of brittish offspring who for the first time are not ugly and have a IQ over 50.

My favorite is just going to the hippy dippy co-op I frequent and just grinding peanuts in the grinder they have. Or almonds. Or cashews. Or whatever

as an American my first and only course of action would be to immediately power chug the rest of the bottle and use the nutrients provided by the added bug to become even more racist

 

[Xarpho's Return]

God damn it... Why is the Internet so sexually depraved?

 

[Dead Gay Muppet Gangbang]

I'm a retard with a temper. I need to be protected from myself.

Jeremy Hambley, I do not give your permission to shoot rope to my posts. You have been WARNED!

I wish the various fat retards on the internet were easier to tell apart.

 

[Doxmatix]

Slur:; [crayon] acquired.

Everyone else wonders why light mode is the default. But those of us who know wish we could forget.

You know how you never see a Disney adult that isn't either a woman or gay as fuck? That's because they're a Mario adult.

The man can't operate a computer without smashing the screen, drunkenly, and his lawyer (himself) refuses to tell him when his court dates are.

I've seen plenty of penises during my stay on kiwifarms and they were all awful

How the fuck is polack a real language. it's just zźżźwẃ

So why, my liege have you spent your riches on .png files of shirtless Hulk Hogan, when you could have commissioned a real, embroidered tapestry to hang in the office throne room?

Jesus didn't win 4th place in a evo

If Russ ever makes a country album, Jesus Take the Appeal could be his first single.

 

[SNEED.EXE]

Just look at this foul, repulsive creature. How does this thing even exist? Why can't we just kill him?

Just LOOK AT HIM. He is so utterly vile. Is this even a human? Look at this foul excrescence of subhumanity.

Sometimes, one of the park goers will fall into an exhibit and rather than be saved, they're usually just kicked from the zoo or added to the exhibit as a new animal.

 

[Click reply to view]

Harry.......... this is your, am I still your son-in-law? That's crazy.

 

[Return of the Freaker]

Find you a bish that would declare a continuation war on the USSR out of the sheer love of your german pharmaceuticals.

 

[SNEED.EXE]

BURIED PENIS SYNDROME!

I should have not searched that particular combination of words.

I'm not gonna stand here and let you blatantly lie that the Quartering wipes.

 

[PhoBingas]

You can tell she's a cluster B clusterfuck just by looking at her, and I really don't like looking at her.