Everclear, My Butt, and just don't.
Total throwaway.
Life tanked, in that way it sometimes does, and I started back up. And it takes a scary amount to get me buzzed. I’m talking two shots of all-the-way proof Everclear on an empty stomach in order to get some feelz from it. And when you’re drinking because life sucks, isn’t the feelz the point? Problem is that in order to get any feelz, I put on twenty pounds in two months. Sigh.
So I think to myself, “Self – you’re smart.” (No ironic comments here, please.) “Self – you’re smart and you should be able to come up with some way to get your liquor feelz without taking in that many calories.” A little internet research later, and voila! I’m gonna be the first one in the world to try a butt shot. Chugging is one thing – but all that beer would just shoot out of me before it could be useful.
I empty the liquid out of a disposable enema, then put in one ounce of Everclear. Get myself naked and on the bathroom floor, some throw-away towels nearby, just in case something gross happens. Touch the tip to my anus, and it burns. Okay. I read about this. It’s the outside bit that hurts. So I try again. This time I slide that lubed tip into my butt. Butt’s in the air now, so gravity’s working with the enema. I feel a little of that cold liquid slip into me. Sure enough, now that the rectum’s involved, not the anus, no major burn. So I give the bottle a tiny little squeeze. About a tablespoon (1/2 oz) is now in me.
From everything I’ve read, the reason that butt-chugging is such a bad idea is that you absorb a lot more alcohol that way than if it gets filtered through your body’s digestive defenses. So I decide this is the wait-and-see moment. Pull out the enema. Clean it and cap it. Butt still in the air, gravity keeping things in. I wait a little bit, then get up. And wait. Nothing. Dang it! No feelz at all. But I’m gonna play it safe anyway and wait. Never done this, didn’t find anyone else on the net who had, so don’t know what’s gonna happen.
Finally I have the urge to poop. (Obviously. The whole idea of an enema is to make you poop.) So I decide this isn’t giving me any feelz and I’ll let it go. NOPE NOPE NOPE it BURNS! So now I’m in a cold sweat, and really have to go, but am terrified to. But I go, and then it’s out and it’s pretty okay now.
Hooray. Adventure over. Nothing ventured yadda yadda, right? That was where I was wrong.
My anus and rectum are totally swollen. Like it feels like they’re hanging outside of my body. No pain or burning. Just an absolute, 100% of the time I feel like I need to poop. I literally spend the next five hours on the toilet. Sitting there. I guess mucus membranes aren’t made for the alcoholic equivilant to hand sanitizer.
Within an hour the diarrhea started. Anything normal got cleared out, and there was nothing left. But my body wasn’t satisfied with that, so it started sharing the lining of my large intestines. That’s right. I start (according to the internet) shedding the cells of my intestinal walls in the form of a pink gel. They call it mucous. I say it’s what it would look like if you started shitting pink-lemonade colored jello. According to the internet (again) this happens when you’ve been severely food poisoned, or perhaps you have a severe illness. According to the internet (come on! It’s served me well thus far, hasn’t it?) I’m safe because this isn’t blood-streaked mucus, but uniformly pink. So I’m not bleeding intestinally, I’m just sloughing off the insides of my gut.
I’m Googling all this from the toilet seat. It’s like two in the morning now and I can’t sleep because of the pressure on my anus. So I make a tactical decision. I drink some Everclear (from the top, this time) because I know I’ll chill and not feel the butt-hurt so much. I works. I go to sleep.
Twenty-four hours later the swelling has gone down. I don’t feel like I’m in a constant mid-shit. I’m still shitting pink mucus and I’ve lost seven pounds. SUCCESS! Right? Wasn’t the whole point of this to lose weight?
Okay, maybe not. So there’s no way I can go to the doctor about this because (here’s the best part) NOBODY KNOWS I’M DRINKING. I’M MEMBER OF A FAITH THAT DOESN’T DO IT. Spouse doesn’t know, peers don’t know. I’m inbounds of full-on teaching Sunday School hypocrisy here. Yeah. So the story is food poisoning. And I’ve watched enough House to know that if I end up in the hospital I BETTER NOT LIE to the doctor. I’m not going to tear down my entire family because of this incident. So it’s heal-thyself time.
My logic. No anti-diarrhea meds. That will just stop me up. My gut is sick and needs healing. Everclear is basically the same proof as hand-sanitizer, right? So maybe part of what’s going on is that I killed all the good flora in my gut. I head to my Whole Foods and buy everthing they have that says live-active-culture on it. Pills, yogurts, this weird formented bamboo drink, a jar of Kimchi, some sprinkles, and anything else that looked helpful. Luckily, by this point I don’t feel sick to my stomach, and I can consume all this. (Oh, and Gatoraide and water and some ginger.) I even feel hungry.
Twenty-four more hours pass. I’ve stopped having constant pink poo. In fact, I’ve stopped having to poop at all. In fact, I stop passing gas. Hmm. Interesting. But I’m hungry, so I eat. Yum. Good to have an appetite again.
Except from about my diaphragm down, nothing seems to be moving.
Twenty-four hours later. Still get hungry. Still eat. Nothing down there moving.
Twenty-four hours later. I’m starting to feel a tightness in my ribs. Like I’ve been eating for two days and nothing has left my stomach. Yes. My intestines have actually shut down on me. Like they do after you have surgery. I am certain, at this point, that they have scabbed on the insides and have stuck themselves shut.
End of work that day I feel something move. HOORAY! By the time I am home, my gut is making noises audible in a different part of the house. The noises WOKE UP MY SPOUSE. For reals. My gut is not dead. I am happy.
Until the pain starts. OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP. You know how it is. Gas pain makes you feel so stupid. But it HURTS.
The next day I achieve a little poop. I rejoice. There is pink gel moving with it. Two days later and I am having normal poops. Still some pink mucus involved, though.
So I’m eating my Kimchi and taking my pro-biotics and praying that everything heals up good.
TL/DR: Don’t put Everclear up your butt.
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