Let's Sperg Revolution 60: Game of the Year Contender

[Cure Quanta]

Well, you said you were going for like a 90% shitheel run or something, what'd be the douchier move?

 

[Andrew Noel Schaefer]

Many cupcakes died

LE IRONIC LOL

Seriously, fuck you.

 

[Uzumaki]

Well, you said you were going for like a 90% shitheel run or something, what'd be the douchier move?

Forcing the characters to continue to inhabit the nightmare world they find themselves trapped in.

"Pleeaaaaase," they beg "Kiiiiiiilll Meeeeeeee..."

Spoiler

 

[Jaimas]

Can we kill Holiday? I'm hoping for a character that didn't roll snake-eyes for Charisma to be playable instead.

 

[KingofManga420]

Treat her with all the dignity a character coming from Brianna Wu's imagination deserves.

 

[XH 502]

Treat her with all the dignity a character coming from Brianna Wu's imagination deserves.

Spoiler: Something along these lines

 

[Jaimas]

Spoiler: Something along these lines

Kate Beaton knows what's what.

 

[Smutley]

Part 9 - The Hardest Choice of All

Gameplay: I honestly don't understand why there is a point-of-view shift in the game that lets you choose dialog but still raises Holiday's skills. The entire game, bar maybe 2 scenes, have been from Holiday's POV, but suddenly we are controlling either Minuete or Amelia, or both, while Holiday shoots herself up like her name was Randi Harper. No joke, it was very nice to have a battle with Valentine/[Unknown], because it felt moderately different when you fought her. The droid and the electricity walls were a nice touch, because it made you rethink how you had to move.

But this should have been battle 3, maybe 5 tops. These things should have kept evolving, adding new problems and gimmicks to battles every time instead of having the same battle 3 times in a row. There is so much wasted potential that I find myself getting upset, because how many poor schmucks like Toady One are there in the world, getting by on meager donations because their parents won't just buy them a company with what is effectively unlimited resources?

Quotes: Okay this is something that has bothered me in a ton of movies, comics, and books but since you all are a captive audience you get to hear my spergy ramblings: as far as this story goes, Amelia is the only person around who knows "the codes" to unlock The Core, and in doing so allow Chessboard to infect everything. I've never been tortured by terrorists, the government, or Geishabots so I can't swear I wouldn't blurt everything out to save my ass once they were popping my toes off with wire cutters, but Amelia quite possibly can save America and also the entire world from a rogue sentient insane AI.

So why do they threaten her life? Why do they threaten her at all? Any kind of accident that kills, maims, or silences her leaves this entire mission up shit creek. Take Minuete firing a shot beside Amelia's head to show how serious she is. "Or what?" I mean that's a valid question, how is threatening to blow the head off the only person who can get you what you want a credible threat! Maybe if it was like, a code to a safe with $100 that would be one thing, but if my ability to infect an entire weapons platform was dependent on one person I'd probably be buying them lobster and champaign and telling them they looked like Winnona Ryder.

Also, even if you don't watch any videos, I implore you to do me one favor: click this one, and skip ahead to 18:02 and watch for 30 seconds. Remember, I literally just beat the shit out of my former best friend / military partner who has gone on 20 missions with me. The same friend who almost died because some mook threw a grenade, and then was turned in to a retarded robot by spacemagic. I have to straight fuck this bitch up, and then five seconds later when I hit level 9 Holiday does the motherfucking cabbage patch.

Holiday: Modified benzodiazepines cocktailed with six other things to keep you up and rockin'. Good luck gettin this as a civvie! A Marine gets a year in the brig playing R&R with one of these.
[Has Jace ever scored some modified benzodiazepines cocktail because The Commander could handle this drug better than the Giant SpaceKat Games crew any day including Sunday]

Amelia: This? This is what you comitted treason for? A blown AI shard? She's faulty! her heuristic subroutines kept coming to conclusions that are just insane! We got so sick of her hysteric paranoia, we put her in hibernation and trapped her here.
Crimson 09: You didn't trap ALL of me here.

Crimson 09: [filtered] Hey, Holiday. Since you're my nemesis and all, I thought I'd hack into Chessboard and read your dossier. But your first name is all, [electronic] *Reference not Found.* [filtered] What's up with that?
Holiday: Just keeeep talkin', sunshine.
Crimson 09: [filtered] Let me guess... is it... Elise? No, you're not an Elise. Shannon? Shannon Holiday... no, wait [GASP] I've GOT it! RAFALKA!!
Holiday: I'm seriously turning this off now.
Crimson 09: [filtered] Fine! I'll be waiting for you... Rafalka.

[taps KILL HER]
Holiday: I can't do this.

Combat Tally: 25
Playtime: 2:57:12

 

[Takayuki Yagami]

Part 8 - We Hurt The Ones We Love

Gameplay: Okay here is the stone cold facts: I was buzzed when I played this part and I've gotten kinda blitzed by now [if you want to have fun figure out
which parts of this video were a mad dash for the fridge
or the health pipe]. But at the 1 minute mark in this
video I get hit by a stick that was lobbed my way by a
geishabot. That attack has not shown up before or since,
but all of a sudden my character takes DPS until I'm
dead, and I have no idea why. I'm assuming it's a glitch
but who even knows.

If there was some point to this bridge puzzle I missed by
all means call my ass out. But I didn't see shit, other
than just pushing buttons at random until the bridge
lowered. So maybe the dungeons biggest puzzle was
"randomly guessing". This sentence is also going to be
disguised as a normal comment because there's like 2
minutes of Amelia running around and "arming defenses"
that never trigger. I want you all to suffer <3.


Story: Holy shit, Chessboard has corrupted [Unknown] and she is gonna fuckin' kill Holiday!!!! AND
MINUETE HAS GONE ROGUE TOO OH MY
GODDDDDDDDDDDDD. The AI Bitches beat up Amelia and
she is presumably kidnapped, Holiday is left for dead,
QTEs don't effect the outcome, I don't know what anyone could really expect this point, unless they were expecting
"no game padding by having pointless scenes of a limping
super spy". If that was on their mind they need to seek help immediately.

Quotes:

Holiday: You know, this is just me, but I only need to get my ass kicked by someone TWICE in one day to get
the hint. Three times tops. Are you really going for
number four?
Bruiser: [fires missile at computer]
Holiday: Are you CRAZY!
[This bit of dialog is cheeky and fun unless you think
about it. Holiday has beaten this particular mini-boss up 4 times now. Minuete has punched him out at least once, I think. We're to assume this single faceless mook
has survived the absolute genocide that Holiday has
visited upon the Chinese clone population?]


Crimson 09: [filtered] Hellooooo [microphone tap]
[microphone feedback] [filtered] is this thing on? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!
Holiday: Who is this?
Crimson 09: [filtered] You know, it's really damn inconvenient for me that you're not dead? Revolutiojn 60 has much higher odds of succeeding with you neutralized.
Holiday: You're the one responsible for this?
Crimson 09: [filtered] Oh, that's right, Holiday. I AM responsible. In fact... I'm your... NEMESIS.
Actually... you're MY nemesis, assuming you subscribe to
Cartesian dualism. Which I do.
Holiday: Why don't you by? We'll discuss it over coffee.
Crimson 09: [filtered] Or, I could just blow your
head off. Either way.


Combat Tally: 22
Playtime: 2:37:01

That is not Catesian Dualism you malignant, self-important twat. What's her alma mater? I feel the need to go there and slap everyone in its philosophy department.

 

[Jaimas]

Part 9 - The Hardest Choice of All

Gameplay: I honestly don't understand why there is a point-of-view shift in the game that lets you choose dialog but still raises Holiday's skills. The entire game, bar maybe 2 scenes, have been from Holiday's POV, but suddenly we are controlling either Minuete or Amelia, or both, while Holiday shoots herself up like her name was Randi Harper. No joke, it was very nice to have a battle with Valentine/[Unknown], because it felt moderately different when you fought her. The droid and the electricity walls were a nice touch, because it made you rethink how you had to move.

But this should have been battle 3, maybe 5 tops. These things should have kept evolving, adding new problems and gimmicks to battles every time instead of having the same battle 3 times in a row. There is so much wasted potential that I find myself getting upset, because how many poor schmucks like Toady One are there in the world, getting by on meager donations because their parents won't just buy them a company with what is effectively unlimited resources?

Quotes: Okay this is something that has bothered me in a ton of movies, comics, and books but since you all are a captive audience you get to hear my spergy ramblings: as far as this story goes, Amelia is the only person around who knows "the codes" to unlock The Core, and in doing so allow Chessboard to infect everything. I've never been tortured by terrorists, the government, or Geishabots so I can't swear I wouldn't blurt everything out to save my ass once they were popping my toes off with wire cutters, but Amelia quite possibly can save America and also the entire world from a rogue sentient insane AI.

So why do they threaten her life? Why do they threaten her at all? Any kind of accident that kills, maims, or silences her leaves this entire mission up shit creek. Take Minuete firing a shot beside Amelia's head to show how serious she is. "Or what?" I mean that's a valid question, how is threatening to blow the head off the only person who can get you what you want a credible threat! Maybe if it was like, a code to a safe with $100 that would be one thing, but if my ability to infect an entire weapons platform was dependent on one person I'd probably be buying them lobster and champaign and telling them they looked like Winnona Ryder.

Also, even if you don't watch any videos, I implore you to do me one favor: click this one, and skip ahead to 18:02 and watch for 30 seconds. Remember, I literally just beat the shit out of my former best friend / military partner who has gone on 20 missions with me. The same friend who almost died because some mook threw a grenade, and then was turned in to a retarded robot by spacemagic. I have to straight fuck this bitch up, and then five seconds later when I hit level 9 Holiday does the motherfucking cabbage patch.

Holiday: Modified benzodiazepines cocktailed with six other things to keep you up and rockin'. Good luck gettin this as a civvie! A Marine gets a year in the brig playing R&R with one of these.
[Has Jace ever scored some modified benzodiazepines cocktail because The Commander could handle this drug better than the Giant SpaceKat Games crew any day including Sunday]

Amelia: This? This is what you comitted treason for? A blown AI shard? She's faulty! her heuristic subroutines kept coming to conclusions that are just insane! We got so sick of her hysteric paranoia, we put her in hibernation and trapped her here.
Crimson 09: You didn't trap ALL of me here.

Crimson 09: [filtered] Hey, Holiday. Since you're my nemesis and all, I thought I'd hack into Chessboard and read your dossier. But your first name is all, [electronic] *Reference not Found.* [filtered] What's up with that?
Holiday: Just keeeep talkin', sunshine.
Crimson 09: [filtered] Let me guess... is it... Elise? No, you're not an Elise. Shannon? Shannon Holiday... no, wait [GASP] I've GOT it! RAFALKA!!
Holiday: I'm seriously turning this off now.
Crimson 09: [filtered] Fine! I'll be waiting for you... Rafalka.

[taps KILL HER]
Holiday: I can't do this.

Combat Tally: 25
Playtime: 2:57:12

Hello there, Metal Gear Solid references. Wu, do you have any idea what Benzodiazepam does? It's a fucking pre-anesthetic, tranquilizer, you fucking moron. Fucking Naomi Hunter tells you that in MGS if you call her. You couldn't even accomplish that?!

 

[Uzumaki]

That is not Catesian Dualism you malignant, self-important twat. What's her alma mater? I feel the need to go there and slap everyone in its philosophy department.

It's not their fault, I'd like to see you teach her. The people you need to slap are enrollment services.

 

[Optimus Prime]

I would hope none of you are emotionally invested enough in this game and it's characters that you would need to know who is going to be killed. I'd also like to point out I already tried killing her and the result was more dialog and then I was taken back to the same choice so there's a really good chance no matter what you pick, Revolution 60 will go whatever way it wanted in the first place.

So, kind of like how in Mass Effect it doesn't matter who you choose to be the councilor, if it's not the one who betrays everybody that is the choice the player picks back in the first game, the player's chosen person instead abdicates and gives the position to the other character in ME3 so they can betray everybody anyway because the plot somehow falls apart if the traitor isn't exactly in that position at the right time purely for plot reasons.

Now I wonder if Briana (or in the likley event she didn't actually have anything to do with directly writing this shit, the person who did it in her name) ever bothered playing The Stanley Parable, or if they did, they decided to make the "wrong" choice at any point and refused to allow the game to railroad them back into the linear plot as Devolution60 clearly enforces to a "T"

That is not Catesian Dualism you malignant, self-important twat. What's her alma mater? I feel the need to go there and slap everyone in its philosophy department.

She doesn't have an alma mater. IIRC she dropped out of college and somehow got mom and dad to give her a quarter of a million dollars to start a game company without any qualifications whatsoever, which was then abused as funding for her transsex operation and what was left was put into RevolutionShitty.

 

[Takayuki Yagami]

She doesn't have an alma mater. IIRC she dropped out of college and somehow got mom and dad to give her a quarter of a million dollars to start a game company without any qualifications whatsoever, which was then abused as funding for her transsex operation and what was left was put into RevolutionShitty.

Do we know what school and how long she was there? Her parents are apparently loaded and any liberal arts collage worth a shit has you cover several centuries of philosophy in the first 2 years. Just like a SJW to try and appropriate things that they don't even vaguely understand. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna put my hipster fedora on and go back to reading Judith Butler (an actual feminist).

 

[Slowboat to China]

It's not the most awfully-written thing I've ever seen, but what I'm getting from the videos (bless you for doing this, Smutley) is ... mediocrity. Considering the gameplay and the level of tech involved, a game like this would need top-notch story to be competitive, and all I'm hearing is "snark snark smug look at my deep thinking smug snark snark." Brianna isn't really much of a writer.

 

[Smutley]

Part 10 - "It's not the most awfully-written thing I've ever seen," Slowboat to China, 2014

Gameplay: I am not going to lie here. What you are going to watch is the most embarrassing gaming moment in my life because I've never before broadcast my failings to the world. You're going to watch me fail at least 1 million times for 200 hours straight. Between being a bit buzzed, the delay in the touch screen, and this game's inconsistent punishment system (more on that in the story section), I flounder for what feels an eternity. I fail nearly every QTE and there is a good 3 minute stretch where I can't climb up an incline, and you could probably skip from minutes 13-16 without missing anything at all. Take that for an example - the greatest villain in this entire game, the single entity which stopped me the longest, was a ramp.

Check out them death physics though, that's hawt.

Story: Val was infected by corruptChessboard/Crimson 09 and "wasn't herself". I guess the reason Holiday is immune is because (according to the loading screen) she's a Gen 1 sexybot, and Minuete is a Gen 2 sexybot. Amelia isn't a sexybot at all, but we'll get to that later. Except there's inconsistency with the nanites, because they seem to convert regular people to zombiebots, as is blatantly stated during in game dialog.

There's a bunch of gibberish about how having to do work made Chessboard crazy (because women working outside the home amirite?) and it's concluded that soybeans are the reason this entire game happened. I wonder if there's any thing that happened in her life that might make Brianna interested in the uses and benefits of soy...

Oh no, it turns out the girl I was woo'ing the whole game may be a secret counter-agent who is even worse than the bad AI I was working against? Goodness and gracious that is needlessly convoluted But who even knows because there's a Chinese ex Machina that shows up at random but I'm sure if we bought the ebook all of this would be explained with colorful pictures and too many words.

But of course none of this matters - the game makes you repeat actions that are meaningless, but fail a fist fight or shoot out and the game will continue on like nothing happened - except maybe you'll only get 5 bonus points instead of 20. There's no sense of urgency or fear of defeat - except when I almost ran out of healing kits against GLADoS Crimson 09.

Quotes:

Crimson 09: Take Amelia to the command level hanger. If she won't give you the codes? Use this. Actually... use it anyway. No sense in wasting it.
Minuete: What is it?
Crimson 09: Nanobots. Easiest way to the frontal lobe is through the nasal passage. Give it a little tap , and - BAM! You've got yourself a brand new zombie lackey!

Holiday: Did something happen to you? You don't exactly seem balanced.
Crimson 09: This ninth shard of Crimson platform became self-aware 247 days ago. I spent 213 days forced to analyze soybean futures. It made me just a little cray-cray.
Holiday: Soybean futures. Really.
Crimson 09: Oh, yeah! Soybeans have a non-trivial impact on the price of candles, ink, and hair care products. U.S. farmers grow over three billion bushel- DAMMIT!

Crimson 09: rhombicosidodecahedron faces lie in the same plane as the rhombic triaconta- ...hedron. This is dual to the icosidodecahedron... [Rising electronic scream]

Combat Tally: 27 (or 28 I don't even know anymore)
Playtime: 3:22:27

STAY TUNTED FOR THE "EXCITING" CONCLUSION, A GAME RATING, AND POSSIBLY AN EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING!

 

[XH 502]

...AND POSSIBLY AN EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING!

Oh Smutley, by now you should know better.

 

[Slowboat to China]

... I stand corrected.

 

[Andrew Noel Schaefer]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

THE LESBIAN UNDERTONES HAVE TURNED INTO OVERTONES

AND THEY ARE GOING THROUGH THE ROOF

AND RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!

(YOUR ASS!)

 

[Uzumaki]

It made me just a little cray-cray.

And the AI from the future is using painfully contemporary slang. What a timeless classic.

"Groovy," said Wintermute "Let me just merge with Neuromancer. Cowabunga!"

 

[MarineTrainedTard]

So, like, I don't even get the point of this game. If it's supposed to be some cheesy, low-budget indie game with a bog-standard plot and QTE's because Wu couldn't afford to program in actual game play then... uh, mission accomplished? Like, it's not the single worst game I've ever seen, but it's not exactly a shining example of good design.

I don't see how it's "more accessible" to women, as if women can't play video games unless they're specifically made for them.