Hiring Bob to write articles for your apolitical website is like hiring Hitler to make the speech at your Bar Mitzvah.
And Bob, you haven't won ANYTHING! You've got bad genetics, bad eating habits that led to diabeetus, a shitty junior college degree, you live with relatives in a basement that floods and you have the personality of a rabid badger with a sore tooth. Despite this, your life is not a complete disaster; you have a seemingly well-adjusted family who not only tolerate your presence, they actually seem to like you, invite you to their family functions, and allow their children to visit with you, despite you looking like a balding, pedo Frankenstein. You've managed to get some important pop-culture figures to recognize you. You can set your own schedule. You make enough money from your flaky fans and your fakey reviewing job to live in a fashionable, expensive city chock full of amenities and you can afford all kinds of pop culture crap. You are basically the Bizarro Universe version of Job, having had far more luck and good fortune in your 37 years, than a man like you rightfully deserves.
And yet, you've lost, Bob. You've lost because, in spite of all of this , you are miserable. You spend every waking free moment of your life hunched over, mashing your hate into a smartphone. There are people paralyzed from the neck down and suffering from terminal cancer who are happier than you on a consistent basis. There are people who have suffered torture and tragedy at the hands of evil regimes who have far more compassion for their tormentors than you have for the people who talk back to you on Twitter. You call people who are legitimately concerned for their families' interests and their cultural traditions EVIL RACISTS, BIGOTS AND NAZIS because they refuse to roll over and die to make room for the Mexican serfs you hope to import by the millions to work on your Moon Wheat Plantations.
Working at the Escapist won't make you one iota happier, Bob. Having every one of your inane "80's children's franchise meets high-concept idea" movie writeups bought up by movie studios and turned into big-budget blockbusters won't make you one iota happier, Bob. Having Donald Blumpf bound and delivered to you and every evangelical redneck captured and forced to build (brick by brick,) the full size replica of Princess Peach's castle from Mario 64 that will serve as your Supervillain Lair will not make you ONE IOTA HAPPIER, BOB!
Because the only way to be truly happy in this world, is to have a genuine connection to other people. To be open minded and to see yourself as others might see you; to extend the hand of forgiveness to those who truly regret their evil actions. To value people over politics, and to seek out solutions that bring real good into the world, even at the cost of your own interests and ego. You probably think you're already doing this, but if so, ask yourself: why are you so angry all of the time? Why do you spend so much of your time typing bile on Twitter and so little of your time enjoying the bounty that life has gifted you with? Hell isn't just a place you go to when you die; it can be a place you create for yourself, here on Earth. It is a heart without love.
(Sorry for the length. I probably should have spoilered this. Oh well....)
