Careercow Robert Chipman / Bob / Moviebob / "Movieblob" - Middle-Aged Consoomer, CWC with a Thesaurus, Ardent Male Feminist and Superior Futurist, the Twice-Fired, the Mario-Worshipper, publicly dismantled by Hot Dog Girl, now a diabetic

[Quixotic Man]

I got angry at Rise of Skywalker. And Last Jedi.

Mostly because both movies make such elementary mistakes that a first year creative writing student would have avoided. Heck that a fan fic shipper would have avoided.

All that money for effects, and not a damn penny for an editor to give a once over on the script?

Wasn't thrilled with the Happening either.

On page 27 of my copy of his book:

I was not the easiest child in the world to be raising, at the time. I was “bad” at school, mainly: I acted out in class, sassed my teachers, zoned-out into daydreams, and turned in a lot of poor work. I wasn’t “good” at much of anything school related other than drawing and creative writing. So it wasn’t as though I was in for some kind of “attaboy!” reward that an NES would fill.​

Page 31:

I was, quite emphatically, a “nerd” in every sense of the word, save for academic excellence: I had too much of a problem with authority to be any good at schoolwork, but was still too weird and bookish to be accepted by most of my peers.​

Yep. Sucked at tests.

Wait. OMG page 30.

I found a small, sturdy figurine of Mario holding up one of the vegetables from SMB2 in a tiny outlet while vacationing in New Hampshire and wound up carrying him in my pocket the rest of the way through grade school as a good luck totem... which I very much needed.​

carrying him in my pocket . . . as a good luck totem​

Is a pocket Mario more like a Sonichu Medallion or a Jeb! pocket turtle?

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

Seriously, I've walked away from bad movies, but, I've never walked away ANGRY.

Angry at a particularly bad plot hole or critical failure in research? Yes, but that was always anger at the laziness of the screenwriter for making it and nobody in the production apparatus catching it.

I've never gotten ANGRY at a movie for just existing and failing to entertain me.

It's a whole new level of autism to take a bad movie personally, even if you are a critic.

I get irrationally angry about Solo because it was such a low, easy bar to not absolutely fuck up.

 

[Henry Bemis]

On page 27 of my copy of his book:
I was not the easiest child in the world to be raising, at the time. I was “bad” at school, mainly: I acted out in class, sassed my teachers, zoned-out into daydreams, and turned in a lot of poor work. I wasn’t “good” at much of anything school related other than drawing and creative writing. So it wasn’t as though I was in for some kind of “attaboy!” reward that an NES would fill.Page 31:
I was, quite emphatically, a “nerd” in every sense of the word, save for academic excellence: I had too much of a problem with authority to be any good at schoolwork, but was still too weird and bookish to be accepted by most of my peers.

All those quotation marks meant to imply informality and familiarity. Are you sure you didn't pick up Russell Greer's book by mistake?

 

[Flexo]

All those quotation marks meant to imply informality and familiarity. Are you sure you didn't pick up Russell Greer's book by mistake?

You think he too carried around a mario totem for luck?

 

[Resident Evil]

You think he too carried around a mario totem for luck?

I have a head cannon that he still has that “Grow Up” Mario costume around as his lucky item, to show up the haters, lol.

 

[Flexo]

both the grandparents on my mam's side lived through WW2 as adults in the occupied Netherlands, and didn't know from day to day whether they'd live to see the next day; if they were still alive and of sound mind, it's fair to say they'd just see your man Trump as a gobshite, and they'd take a very poor view of trivialising the Nazi atrocities (not to mention the fact the trivialiser would rapidly get a crash course in Dutch swear words if they didn't shut up PDQ)

Yeah but now that they're dead can you tell them to stop voting for Biden?

Have you really never known a bitter, angry, or violent drunk?

Hey that only describes............ 7/8ths of the robots on this site!

I have a head cannon that he still has that “Grow Up” Mario costume around as his lucky item, to show up the haters, lol.

Remember we've seen pics of his room and it has like a 2 foot tall statue of Mario.

(so weird to go back to page 635 and see so many lost friends...)

EDIT: Interesting that he has the complete Batman '66 in the lower right corner, and the complete Tim Burton Batman in the upper left.

 

[Resident Evil]

Yeah but now that they're dead can you tell them to stop voting for Biden?

Hey that only describes............ 7/8ths of the robots on this site!

Remember we've seen pics of his room and it has like a 2 foot tall statue of Mario.
View attachment 1951108

(so weird to go back to page 635 and see so many lost friends...)

EDIT: Interesting that he has the complete Batman '66 in the lower right corner, and the complete Tim Burton Batman in the upper left.

Man’s crib looks like he’s about to whip out the Super Mario World Manual and read it like a sacred scripture. Sacred shrine lookin’ ass.

“In the beginning, there was the word. The word was with Yahoo, and the word was Yahoo.”

 

[Oh Long Johnson]

Yeah but now that they're dead can you tell them to stop voting for Biden?

Hey that only describes............ 7/8ths of the robots on this site!

Remember we've seen pics of his room and it has like a 2 foot tall statue of Mario.
View attachment 1951108

(so weird to go back to page 635 and see so many lost friends...)

EDIT: Interesting that he has the complete Batman '66 in the lower right corner, and the complete Tim Burton Batman in the upper left.

Student loan relief NOW!

 

[Positron]

Remember Boston Dynamics's outrage announcement about Spot? Turns out someone attaches a paintball gun on a Spot and posts some videos.

But it doesn't matter. Shit got real when NYPD bought some of them.


Someone posted a walkthrough about what to do when you, worthless criminal nigger breathlessly addicted to Fentanyl, are brutalized by Spot. To Bobby, suddenly the endearing emblem of Superior Future becomes mere "Roomba with feet" and "dumb PR stunt".

I agree that a law-enforcement tech that does not recognize nigger is of NO USE.

Even Bobby's waifu chimes in:

As if school counseling worked.

"There is no bad dogs, only bad owners" -- so even a robot dog that fails to recognize niggers is not a "bad dog".


The problem, as Bobby sees it, is that white cops have too much empathy to white people:


Because law enforcement should be just like Bob: wishing the worst on white people:

"I'm EXTREMELY nuanced about violence" -- Robert Chipman.

Journo compares the min wages of Cosco against Amazon. Bobby mad:


Random political shit:






This is a nice soundbite. I grant him that.

+ + + +
Peter Coffin Malthus was an idiot; Moon Wheat will solve overpopulation. And the world can accommodate more people if only we can get rid of Peter Coffin's fans.


Your jerbs are obsolete! Take that you ghouls!


Bobby thinks only liberal students paid to be educated.


+ + + +
Lots of tranny bullshit today.

Just as it isn't rocket science that, if you let children indulge in their fairly small portions of McDonalds, they will end up with obesity, diabetes, cancer and hundreds of other chronic diseases. It is the responsibility for parents and medical professionals to point out and eliminate harmful influences, not to authorize them.

Bobby realizes trans health care is not cheap:




This dumb fuck even shills for TransLifeLine. This has to be a new low:



I agree that Bobby should just shut the hell up. He'd do less damage to his beloved Angels that way.

+ + + +
Bobby attempts "Gen-X-plaining". Where do I begin?


Bobby is glad that the Conservative Prophecy about the Desexing of Mr. Potato Head didn't come through:


Samuel Adams Beer decides your cousin is a nigger:

"He's family, whether we like it or not," will Bobby "respect" this if said "cousin" voted Trump?

Lady Gaga's dogs:


Pop culture things:


A picture of a woman in bikini always gets Bobby's attention:

 

[AirdropShitposts]

View attachment 1951095

I'm starting to suspect this dude is illiterate.

 

[Positron]

I'm starting to suspect this dude is illiterate.

Words belong to the Inferior Past; Superior Future is CGI spectacles.

 

[make_it_so]

I found another detail that's more amusing than horrifying.

View attachment 1950059

The run on sentences (along with misused hyphens in the preceding paragraph) tell me Bob wrote the copy personally, but that highlight is hilarious -- selected and organized by BOB CHIPMAN HIMSELF! As if a professional or even amateur editor got within five miles of this turd.

Also, I think I found a writing prompt for a new comedy project:

View attachment 1950063

So I guess Bob writes professionaly exactly like he tweets? Overly long run-on sentences full of random and barely tangentially related pop culture references?

Wait. OMG page 30.

I found a small, sturdy figurine of Mario holding up one of the vegetables from SMB2 in a tiny outlet while vacationing in New Hampshire and wound up carrying him in my pocket the rest of the way through grade school as a good luck totem... which I very much needed.​

carrying him in my pocket . . . as a good luck totem​

Lol, he really is like Chris-Chan. Well, at least he was keeping his little autism amulet in his pocket rather than embarrassingly wearing it on his neck out in public.

 

[Flexo]

Bob: "People who entered the capital illegally should be punished as hard as possible."

Also Bob: "Only racists care about people entering the country illegally."

I really want to grab a bunch of illegals and just stuff the capital rotunda with them. Just to savor the hypocrisy.

 

[make_it_so]

Bob: "People who entered the capital illegally should be punished as hard as possible."

Also Bob: "Only racists care about people entering the country illegally."

I really want to grab a bunch of illegals and just stuff the capital rotunda with them. Just to savor the hypocrisy.

You know Bob and the other usual suspects will say "this just proves that they're REAL Americans, not like those racist obsolete Trumpers, give them amnesty and citizenship now!"

 

[XtrmGamr719]

Can we get a "Bob Shut the Fuck Up" bid going on? I really want to stop spewing his mouth like the Tourettes guy but not funny and sadder.

 

[blablabla]

poor hooter girls having to pretend to smile to the fat retard inbred hick that orders one beer and 21342353467y6 chicken wings and stay the whole day and then he pretends that he is drunk to oogle on them

 

[Christ4President2024]

I got angry at Rise of Skywalker. And Last Jedi.

Mostly because both movies make such elementary mistakes that a first year creative writing student would have avoided. Heck that a fan fic shipper would have avoided.

All that money for effects, and not a damn penny for an editor to give a once over on the script?

Wasn't thrilled with the Happening either.

On page 27 of my copy of his book:

I was not the easiest child in the world to be raising, at the time. I was “bad” at school, mainly: I acted out in class, sassed my teachers, zoned-out into daydreams, and turned in a lot of poor work. I wasn’t “good” at much of anything school related other than drawing and creative writing. So it wasn’t as though I was in for some kind of “attaboy!” reward that an NES would fill.​

Page 31:

I was, quite emphatically, a “nerd” in every sense of the word, save for academic excellence: I had too much of a problem with authority to be any good at schoolwork, but was still too weird and bookish to be accepted by most of my peers.​

Yep. Sucked at tests.

Wait. OMG page 30.

I found a small, sturdy figurine of Mario holding up one of the vegetables from SMB2 in a tiny outlet while vacationing in New Hampshire and wound up carrying him in my pocket the rest of the way through grade school as a good luck totem... which I very much needed.​

carrying him in my pocket . . . as a good luck totem​

Here's the figure in question, if anyone wants to be like Bob. One of the few mario tangible mario toys that was produced in the 80s

Applause Vintage PVC Action Figure Lot Gremlins Super Mario Yo Noid Rare | eBay

Needs cleaning. shows paint wear etc.really cool. hard to find. might need light cleaning. hours of fun. great for play or display. perfect for any collection.

www.ebay.com

 

[Strange Wilderness]

Can we get a "Bob Shut the Fuck Up" bid going on? I really want to stop spewing his mouth like the Tourettes guy but not funny and sadder.

Thats not a bet, thats a fact of life. Everyone in the world wants to punch Bob in the face because hes such an arrogant obnoxious asshole. The only reason Bob hasn't gotten his ass kicked by a drunk factory worker in a MAGA hat is because of how unsocial he is. If Bob had any kind of social skills his ass would look like Whitney Houston after Bobby Brown went Mike Tyson on her.

poor hooter girls having to pretend to smile to the fat retard inbred hick that orders one beer and 21342353467y6 chicken wings and stay the whole day and then he pretends that he is drunk to oogle on them

One beer? Dude get with the Bob lore and realize that one beer is not enough for this tub of lard. Bob drinks enough beer to create a beeramid that would put a college frat house to shame. In his book he would always mention how he would play SMB3 while drinking several shots of whiskey or or just drinking in general. Dudes an alcoholic drinking to escape his shitty life.

Also this is Bob whenever he goes out to one of his Baricades

 

[Resident Evil]

Thats not a bet, thats a fact of life. Everyone in the world wants to punch Bob in the face because hes such an arrogant obnoxious asshole. The only reason Bob hasn't gotten his ass kicked by a drunk factory worker in a MAGA hat is because of how unsocial he is. If Bob had any kind of social skills his ass would look like Whitney Houston after Bobby Brown went Mike Tyson on her.


One beer? Dude get with the Bob lore and realize that one beer is not enough for this tub of lard. Bob drinks enough beer to create a beeramid that would put a college frat house to shame. In his book he would always mention how he would play SMB3 while drinking several shots of whiskey or or just drinking in general. Dudes an alcoholic drinking to escape his shitty life.

Also this is Bob whenever he goes out to one of his Baricades

“Bobert the Blobert, one terrifying and startling day, came to terms with the world around him, surrounded by cans of liquid sin, statues of the plumber he cherished, and a suspiciously mayonnaise stained Lindsey body pillow.

No matter how fast he drank, no matter how hard he gamed, he cannot outrun or out game the pain. There was no such thing as any form of escape- merely substance and material that took his eyes away from everything else.

It was time he ‘Grew Up’.“

 

[Huli Jing]

I am incredibly late with this post, but since I couldn't find any posts that dove into detail on this, I figured I could burn off some poorly-timed caffeine by breaking down one of Bob's most famous personally relevant tweets. No, not the Lindsay Ellis one. The other one. You know the one.

Spoiler: The tweet in question

The weeks and months following this tweet saw no shortage of the same two or three jokes poking fun at the same subject matter, so I'll spare you the effort of reading them again, and instead offer my autistic layman's thoughts on the first question that popped in my head when I saw this image:

How hard would this order fuck over a McDonald's?

To do this, I'm going to make three assumptions based on real-world experience of how a McDonald's works. I think you'll find these constraints make for both a more realistic and infinitely more entertaining vision of how Sodium Roberto would get his daily rations.

Spoiler: The constraints

1. The items in the image must come in quantities that a normal McDonald's would have in stock. This prohibits our hypothetical Bob from weaseling out of the calorie count by saying that he actually only ordered 13 small McNuggets, or some shit like that.

2. The McDonald's frequented must have stock in quantities that are commensurate with "normal" weekday traffic. In the real world, a McDonald's with even a whiff of foot traffic will never have a full kitchen of food available, hence why you may have to wait for 15 minutes or so while your food is being soullessly heated up carefully prepared. I'm going to be generous and say that this McDonald's is at 66% stock when Bob comes in.

3. Following from 2., there must be a "normal" amount of traffic currently present in our McDonald's. This prevents Bob from wheeling his way into a deserted McDonald's, clearing out the entire kitchen's stock, and swiftly wheeling his way back out. I'm going to be a dick and place Bob in the middle of a drive-through lane, just because I think he deserves to wait while kitchen is sacrificing all of its remaining stock to his fat ass.

With these parameters in place, we can begin our analysis.

Spoiler: Jesusland's proudest bounty

Spoiler: First impressions

Jesus fucking Christ. I am completely floored not only at the sheer amount of artery-clogging fare on display, but at the incredible, almost militaresque logistics required to produce and transport all of that food into an average-sized person's car in two minutes or less. This image contains 12 items of sheer hell, which are, going clockwise:

- Four Large Cokes. They could actually be Diet, but that's only in the same sense that I could actually be a carnivorous fox spirit with Internet access.

- Two 20-piece Chicken McNuggets. The visible amount in both boxes is less than 20 apiece, but I'm going with this number because 1. the boxes they're contained in are bigger than all of a modern McDonald's regular McNugget boxes, 2. McDonald's doesn't sell McNuggets in quantities between 10 and 20, and you know goddamned well those are not "10 nuggets with change", and 3. McNuggets pack deceptively well in a box, so it may very well be 20 apiece.

- Four double cheeseburgers. They appear to be plain, but that detail subtracts so little calories from the total that it's basically irrelevant. The top right doesn't actually appear to be a double cheeseburger, but since McDonald's doesn't usually serve any Cheese/Hamburger/Cheese burgers, I'm going to count it as one anyway.

- Two Large "World Famous Fries" (from McDonald's online nutrition menu). World famous? Debatable. Unhealthy? Absolutely. McDonald's fries are deceptively dense, and should you attempt this challenge as a smaller-than-average-sized person, you're almost guaranteed to tap out before finishing even one of the orders.

In a sterling effort to improve their nutritional reputation among the general public, McDonald's has released an online nutrition calculator for all of its regular meal items. Results from the Clown himself are at the bottom, but let's just say for now that, much like Bob's original tweet, it doesn't look good. For now, let's focus on the order at hand. Hurry, because the manager says each one has to be served in under two minutes to keep the line moving! A waiting customer isn't a paying customer, and you need to make money to survive, right? So let's get to it!

Let's do a wellness check on the store first. This should really come after the order is served, but since I'm a generous man, we'll add this one for free.

Spoiler: Pre-war survey

The front is fine. Since the dining area is closed due to COVID, everyone who wants another shot at a lifetime supply of Lipitor is at the drive-thru. The drinks are flowing like water (and other, less-watery beverages), and the fries are at full supply, as they somehow always are. There's a few cars waiting for their order, but other than that, everything is peachy keen.

The kitchen is hanging in there. A few orders have reduced its supplies of everything to 66% max capacity. Ideally, there would be 3 trays each of warm McNuggets (at around 30 nuggets a tray) and hamburger patties (at exactly 8 patties a tray) in the cross-kitchen warmer. However, an influx of exceptionally gifted students just moments before has left 1.5 trays empty, leaving us with 45 nuggets to play with. Not good, but we don't know that yet. Moreover, one of our hamburger trays is out, although as the damage is spread across three trays, thanks to an annoying coworker who insists on "having an even number of patties for each tray", no one notices. Remember this fact: it will prove to be our undoing in a few paragraphs.

There are other items in the kitchen, too, but since this image has mercifully spared our beloved Crispy Chicken Sandwiches from the Blob's wrath, we won't count them for our purposes.

Everything seems great so far. No real room for concern. The manager's even made us a Caramel Frappé just for stopping by. How nice of him! Let's bring Bob in.

Storm clouds roll on the horizon as the shaking inches closer and closer to us, although everyone's too busy making orders to notice. Minutes later, the predator finally meets its prey. A window rolls down, revealing a greasy, misshapen, and bespectacled human head. The cute girl up front, hardened to years of clumsy and ill-advised attempts at seduction, puts on her friendliest smile and sings her mating call:

"Welcome to McDonald's, how may I serve you today?"

"I'd like four double cheeseburgers, two 20-piece nuggets, two large fries, and four large Cokes."

Behind a beaming smile lies the throes of imminent despair. The girl wants to stop him, but she can't. The customer is always right, after all. As soon as she punches in the order, the kitchen's order screen is lit up with a thousand letters. The war has begun.

Spoiler: Kitchen

Kitchen's nugget supply is wiped out immediately. The grill guy, who had been preparing a spare tray of patties, is forced to stop midway just to fill all the McNugget orders. The fryer guy carries away three empty McNugget trays and gets to work on more. He has to fill three fryers with McNuggets and wait for them to cook, which takes him out for the rest of the order.

The first line guy wants to kill himself. He has to drop, dress, and deliver four sets of double cheeseburgers in under two minutes, or his manager will start yelling at the kitchen again. He, too, is out of commission for the rest of the order.

The second line guy's thirst for symmetry is threatening to kill him. Eight patties across four double cheeseburgers has left him with only about three patties left in each tray. The grill guy is still busy filling McNuggets, so he can't drop the patties he so desperately needs. He fulfills the orders, although he isn't happy about it.

The fry guy is fine. He always has enough fries for the order. He has no idea what the other four guys are complaining about. He doesn't know that while they're all tied up making this single order, the clock is ticking on all the other orders that are coming both before and after it. Bob's quantities will devastate the kitchen if orders keep coming. They do.

Spoiler: Front

The front girls are shitting themselves. With four large Cokes occupying valuable space in the fountain drink conveyer belt, drink orders are backed up for every single car behind Bob. Moreover, the holding area is starting to become dangerously filled with stacks of greasy carbs. In a futile effort to contain the sprawling beast, the two senior crew members on duty begin to dedicate themselves wholly to bagging the lurching towers of food. The girls join in. Soon, a human supply chain is established, with nearly ten pairs of hands passing bag after bag of food from the kitchen to the drive-thru window. This action, although valiant, is deadly for the store's time quota. It is 15 minutes until the store is finally rid of the Beast, and by this time, the manager on duty is very angry.

Spoiler: Manager

The manager understands that the entirety of his kitchen, including himself, has just had its stores completely emptied at the command of a single order. However, he cannot understand why they haven't been replenished. However, with nearly every member of kitchen struggling to rush the rest of the orders out with the limited stock they have, the task is impossible to fulfill, and the food remains unprepared. It only takes three more orders to deal the coup de grâce to the store. The remaining trays are all depleted at the same time, which means that until more patties can be dropped, there is physically no more food that can be served in the entire store.

For the manager, life right now is hell. Orders haven't been served yet at 700 seconds and counting, the kitchen has a complete and total food shortage with no reinforcements in sight, and there is a slowly-growing line of angry customers expecting a free meal for their undue wait. His yelling does nothing to make the speed of time go any faster, but it does sap what little morale remains among the beleaguered staff. With staff broken and exhausted, orders take even longer to prepare and serve. Customers, their senses motivated to misplaced anger by the wait, are up in arms, and only one thing will put them at ease: free food. Even with this, the store cannot recover. It is an hour until the last customer behind Bob is finally served, and although the McDonald's has served more food than it ever has since its opening, it has been forced to give every last order away for free. The war, costly as it was, is finally over.

Spoiler: Post-war survey

The Caramel Frappé, second casualty of war, has been left melted and overturned in the chaos. It is a fitting symbol for the staff as a whole: every last worker is dirty, drenched in sweat, and boiling over with pitch-black hatred. The kitchen staff, who have watched helplessly as their orders stayed unserved on the screen, are demoralized from 60 straight minutes of desperate invective from the manager. The front staff, half of which have now turned the butch kind of lesbian, are in absolutely no shape for continued front-facing customer service. The manager, bless him, is almost ready to rip someone's head off in full view of the entire staff for costing him so much potential profit. And the customers? They just waited nearly an hour for a fucking burger! Something is clearly wrong with this McDonald's, and they won't stand for it. With their tastes soured by the establishment's obvious incompetence, these customers will think twice before coming back again.

In returning to our question, the answer is clear. This order dwarfs all but the most barbaric quintuple-Quarter orders, and any normal McDonald's that is not already accustomed to its scale would be immediately overwhelmed by it. Bob's order, combined with McDonald's corporate policy on acceptable quantities of food preparation, would be impossible to fulfill in under two minutes, and its sheer magnitude is completely inconsiderate of every customer with the misfortune to fall behind it. His order wouldn't be turned away, of course. After all, the customer is always right. But his order would be a death sentence to any McDonald's with a line of orders to fulfill, and as he wheeled himself away with his fairly small pallet of food, I would wager to think that it wouldn't even cross his mind, chowing down easily but alone in his basement apartment, about all the quantifiable human suffering that went into making his food.

Spoiler: "Nutrition" facts

Enjoy your meal, sir.