>The Eternals are created by the “architects of creation”, the Celestials, to defend humanity from alien predators called Deviants.
>The movie begins with them arriving on Earth 7,000 years ago and defending villagers in ancient Mesopotamia from the Deviants.
>On present day, Sersi is living in London with her boyfriend Jon Snow when there is a huge earthquake and he sees her using her transmutation power to save a kid by turning a large piece of debris into sand.
>Sersi gives Jon the quick rundown on who she is and introduces him to the eternal loli Sprite, who can create holograms.
>They are attacked by a Deviant and rescued by Sersi’s ex Robb Stark, who reveals that the Deviants are back.
>They visit their leader Salma Hayek in her ranch, but the Deviants have already killed her. Salma’s device to communicate with the Celestials bonds with Sersi.
>Robb, Sersi and Sprite decide to round up the Eternals and first visit Dinesh from Silicon Valley, who is a now a Bollywood star and brings along his valet who is a total bro.
>Then they visit Angelina Jolie, who has space dementia and lives in isolation in the Australian desert with My Dong Suck as her keeper.
>Next is Phastos, the gay black inventor who lives in Chicago with his husband and kissing.
>Finally there’s the Dunkirk kid, the resident edgelord who is using his mind-control powers to force folks at a Amazonian village to live in his zombie utopia.
>This is intercut with a lot of flashbacks of the Eternals’ lives throughout the centuries and how they drifted apart because they all love the humans but some think humans are beyond saving and others that humans can be good.
>We see Babylon, the Mayan empire (I think), Hiroshima, etc.
>In the Amazon they get ambushed by the Deviants, led by a humanoid Deviant that can talk somehow, and My Dong Suck gets killed.
>The gang then finds their old ship and the deaf speedster girl NEET-ing inside and try to figure out a plan to stop the Deviants.
>Sersi calls the Celestials for help and their leader, the Big Red Cunt, gives her a loredump of truth.
>The Celestials seed young planets with their eggs and the psionic energy of the evolving population nurtures the egg for centuries until it hatches, destroying the entire planet and its people.
>Earth has one such egg, which is about to hatch because the Avengers brought back half of the planet’s population, and that is what caused the earthquake earlier.
>The Deviants are a rogue creation of the Celestials that specifically target planets with the seeds. There are thousands of Eternals across the galaxy defending other eggs from Deviant packs.
>The Eternals are programmed to defend humans from the Deviants until the egg hatches, then get their memories wiped and are sent to the next planet to start it all again. Only Salma knew of their true purpose.
>Jolie’s space dementia is a result of her fighting against the programming and resisting the constant mindwipes.
>Sersi tells the others against the Big Red Cunt’s orders and they are split on what to do. Robb and Sprite want to let the egg hatch like they are supposed to do, but everyone else decides they love humans and refuse to let them die.
>Also, Sprite is thirsty af for Ikaris but perpetually friendzoned
>Sersi tries to talk Robb into helping them, and he admits that he also knew about their true mission.
>When the Deviants returned, he visited Salma first and she told him she was going to stop the hatching, so Robb killed her by dropping her on the Deviants pit.
>One of the Deviants absorbed Salma’s cosmic power and mutated into the humanoid Deviant they fought earlier.
>Sersi is disappointed and dumps Robb for good, but otherwise does nothing.
>Meanwhile, Phastos comes up with a device that can channel their collective cosmic power into one of them to give them a power boost.
>The plan is for Dunkirk to use the device to control the emerging Celestial’s mind and put it back to sleep.
>The gang goes to a spot in the Indian Ocean where the Celestials is emerging. Robb and Sprite try to stop them and there’s a small fight, then the Deviants attack and there’s a big fight.
>The Deviants are killed, but Dunkirk is wounded and can’t use the device, so Sersi has to step up. Robb has a chance to laser her down, but doesn’t because he loves her.
>Sersi uses her enhanced transmutation power to turn the Celestial into stone just as his arm and head are emerging from the ocean, saving the world.
>With that is left of her power, she transmutes Sprite into a human so she can age, though Sprite loses her powers in the process.
>Robb is so ashamed that he flies off into the Sun, presumably to an hero.
>Jolie, Dunkirk and the speedster decide to leave Earth to find the other Eternals and free them from the Celestials.
>Sersi, Phastos and Dinesh decide to stay on Earth to protect the humans.
>Some time later, Sersi is back together with Jon and they are hanging out when the Big Red Cunt appears in the sky and takes Sersi, Phastos and Dinesh away, cucking Jon again.
>The Big Red Cunt is pissed the Eternals killed a Celestials to save humans, so he’s going to take them to the Celestial world and study their 7,000 years worth of memories to decide if humans deserve to live.
>If the Celestials decide that they don’t, they’re going to come back and assrape our world.
>THE END
>Mid-credits: Angelina, Dunkirk and the speedster are in space when a portal opens inside their ship and from it comes a little alien hype man who sets up their arrival of Thanos’ Eternal brother played by Harry Styles, who says he’s there to help fight the Celestials. Cut to black.
>Post-credits: Jon is at his estranged family’s castle in England and reluctantly opens a box containing a glowing black sword. He’s about to touch it when a voice tells him if he is sure of his decision, and he says he is. Cut to black.
emojis he appends to his tweets.
