You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly. You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
CareercowRobert Chipman / Bob / Moviebob / "Movieblob" - Middle-Aged Consoomer, CWC with a Thesaurus, Ardent Male Feminist and Superior Futurist, the Twice-Fired, the Mario-Worshipper, publicly dismantled by Hot Dog Girl, now a diabetic
I want to rate you autistic but I can't. I'm legitimately impressed. That breakdown was near robot like in it's mathematical precision. Bravo good fox spirit.
Given that Trump ordered troops withdrawn from Syria and the military lied to him about it, it wouldn't surprise me at all if Trump ordered drone strikes to be reduced and the generals are like, "lolz we gonna set them up da bomb moar."
I’d say that’s still pretty autistic, it’s just weaponized properly, so I’d settle on a . Great analysis, minus the fact that as a McDonald’s ex employee, those are I believe quarter pounders unless the buns have changed. Good shit, I love this sort of stuff.
I am incredibly late with this post, but since I couldn't find any posts that dove into detail on this, I figured I could burn off some poorly-timed caffeine by breaking down one of Bob's most famous personally relevant tweets. No, not the Lindsay Ellis one. The other one. You know the one.
The weeks and months following this tweet saw no shortage of the same two or three jokes poking fun at the same subject matter, so I'll spare you the effort of reading them again, and instead offer my autistic layman's thoughts on the first question that popped in my head when I saw this image:
How hard would this order fuck over a McDonald's?
To do this, I'm going to make three assumptions based on real-world experience of how a McDonald's works. I think you'll find these constraints make for both a more realistic and infinitely more entertaining vision of how Sodium Roberto would get his daily rations.
1. The items in the image must come in quantities that a normal McDonald's would have in stock. This prohibits our hypothetical Bob from weaseling out of the calorie count by saying that he actually only ordered 13 small McNuggets, or some shit like that.
2. The McDonald's frequented must have stock in quantities that are commensurate with "normal" weekday traffic. In the real world, a McDonald's with even a whiff of foot traffic will never have a full kitchen of food available, hence why you may have to wait for 15 minutes or so while your food is being soullessly heated up carefully prepared. I'm going to be generous and say that this McDonald's is at 66% stock when Bob comes in.
3. Following from 2., there must be a "normal" amount of traffic currently present in our McDonald's. This prevents Bob from wheeling his way into a deserted McDonald's, clearing out the entire kitchen's stock, and swiftly wheeling his way back out. I'm going to be a dick and place Bob in the middle of a drive-through lane, just because I think he deserves to wait while kitchen is sacrificing all of its remaining stock to his fat ass.
With these parameters in place, we can begin our analysis.
Jesus fucking Christ. I am completely floored not only at the sheer amount of artery-clogging fare on display, but at the incredible, almost militaresque logistics required to produce and transport all of that food into an average-sized person's car in two minutes or less. This image contains 12 items of sheer hell, which are, going clockwise:
- Four Large Cokes. They could actually be Diet, but that's only in the same sense that I could actually be a carnivorous fox spirit with Internet access.
- Two 20-piece Chicken McNuggets. The visible amount in both boxes is less than 20 apiece, but I'm going with this number because 1. the boxes they're contained in are bigger than all of a modern McDonald's regular McNugget boxes, 2. McDonald's doesn't sell McNuggets in quantities between 10 and 20, and you know goddamned well those are not "10 nuggets with change", and 3. McNuggets pack deceptively well in a box, so it may very well be 20 apiece.
- Four double cheeseburgers. They appear to be plain, but that detail subtracts so little calories from the total that it's basically irrelevant. The top right doesn't actually appear to be a double cheeseburger, but since McDonald's doesn't usually serve any Cheese/Hamburger/Cheese burgers, I'm going to count it as one anyway.
- Two Large "World Famous Fries" (from McDonald's online nutrition menu). World famous? Debatable. Unhealthy? Absolutely. McDonald's fries are deceptively dense, and should you attempt this challenge as a smaller-than-average-sized person, you're almost guaranteed to tap out before finishing even one of the orders.
In a sterling effort to improve their nutritional reputation among the general public, McDonald's has released an online nutrition calculator for all of its regular meal items. Results from the Clown himself are at the bottom, but let's just say for now that, much like Bob's original tweet, it doesn't look good. For now, let's focus on the order at hand. Hurry, because the manager says each one has to be served in under two minutes to keep the line moving! A waiting customer isn't a paying customer, and you need to make money to survive, right? So let's get to it!
Let's do a wellness check on the store first. This should really come after the order is served, but since I'm a generous man, we'll add this one for free.
The front is fine. Since the dining area is closed due to COVID, everyone who wants another shot at a lifetime supply of Lipitor is at the drive-thru. The drinks are flowing like water (and other, less-watery beverages), and the fries are at full supply, as they somehow always are. There's a few cars waiting for their order, but other than that, everything is peachy keen.
The kitchen is hanging in there. A few orders have reduced its supplies of everything to 66% max capacity. Ideally, there would be 3 trays each of warm McNuggets (at around 30 nuggets a tray) and hamburger patties (at exactly 8 patties a tray) in the cross-kitchen warmer. However, an influx of exceptionally gifted students just moments before has left 1.5 trays empty, leaving us with 45 nuggets to play with. Not good, but we don't know that yet. Moreover, one of our hamburger trays is out, although as the damage is spread across three trays, thanks to an annoying coworker who insists on "having an even number of patties for each tray", no one notices. Remember this fact: it will prove to be our undoing in a few paragraphs.
There are other items in the kitchen, too, but since this image has mercifully spared our beloved Crispy Chicken Sandwiches from the Blob's wrath, we won't count them for our purposes.
Everything seems great so far. No real room for concern. The manager's even made us a Caramel Frappé just for stopping by. How nice of him! Let's bring Bob in.
Storm clouds roll on the horizon as the shaking inches closer and closer to us, although everyone's too busy making orders to notice. Minutes later, the predator finally meets its prey. A window rolls down, revealing a greasy, misshapen, and bespectacled human head. The cute girl up front, hardened to years of clumsy and ill-advised attempts at seduction, puts on her friendliest smile and sings her mating call:
"Welcome to McDonald's, how may I serve you today?"
"I'd like four double cheeseburgers, two 20-piece nuggets, two large fries, and four large Cokes."
Behind a beaming smile lies the throes of imminent despair. The girl wants to stop him, but she can't. The customer is always right, after all. As soon as she punches in the order, the kitchen's order screen is lit up with a thousand letters. The war has begun.
Kitchen's nugget supply is wiped out immediately. The grill guy, who had been preparing a spare tray of patties, is forced to stop midway just to fill all the McNugget orders. The fryer guy carries away three empty McNugget trays and gets to work on more. He has to fill three fryers with McNuggets and wait for them to cook, which takes him out for the rest of the order.
The first line guy wants to kill himself. He has to drop, dress, and deliver four sets of double cheeseburgers in under two minutes, or his manager will start yelling at the kitchen again. He, too, is out of commission for the rest of the order.
The second line guy's thirst for symmetry is threatening to kill him. Eight patties across four double cheeseburgers has left him with only about three patties left in each tray. The grill guy is still busy filling McNuggets, so he can't drop the patties he so desperately needs. He fulfills the orders, although he isn't happy about it.
The fry guy is fine. He always has enough fries for the order. He has no idea what the other four guys are complaining about. He doesn't know that while they're all tied up making this single order, the clock is ticking on all the other orders that are coming both before and after it. Bob's quantities will devastate the kitchen if orders keep coming. They do.
The front girls are shitting themselves. With four large Cokes occupying valuable space in the fountain drink conveyer belt, drink orders are backed up for every single car behind Bob. Moreover, the holding area is starting to become dangerously filled with stacks of greasy carbs. In a futile effort to contain the sprawling beast, the two senior crew members on duty begin to dedicate themselves wholly to bagging the lurching towers of food. The girls join in. Soon, a human supply chain is established, with nearly ten pairs of hands passing bag after bag of food from the kitchen to the drive-thru window. This action, although valiant, is deadly for the store's time quota. It is 15 minutes until the store is finally rid of the Beast, and by this time, the manager on duty is very angry.
The manager understands that the entirety of his kitchen, including himself, has just had its stores completely emptied at the command of a single order. However, he cannot understand why they haven't been replenished. However, with nearly every member of kitchen struggling to rush the rest of the orders out with the limited stock they have, the task is impossible to fulfill, and the food remains unprepared. It only takes three more orders to deal the coup de grâce to the store. The remaining trays are all depleted at the same time, which means that until more patties can be dropped, there is physically no more food that can be served in the entire store.
For the manager, life right now is hell. Orders haven't been served yet at 700 seconds and counting, the kitchen has a complete and total food shortage with no reinforcements in sight, and there is a slowly-growing line of angry customers expecting a free meal for their undue wait. His yelling does nothing to make the speed of time go any faster, but it does sap what little morale remains among the beleaguered staff. With staff broken and exhausted, orders take even longer to prepare and serve. Customers, their senses motivated to misplaced anger by the wait, are up in arms, and only one thing will put them at ease: free food. Even with this, the store cannot recover. It is an hour until the last customer behind Bob is finally served, and although the McDonald's has served more food than it ever has since its opening, it has been forced to give every last order away for free. The war, costly as it was, is finally over.
The Caramel Frappé, second casualty of war, has been left melted and overturned in the chaos. It is a fitting symbol for the staff as a whole: every last worker is dirty, drenched in sweat, and boiling over with pitch-black hatred. The kitchen staff, who have watched helplessly as their orders stayed unserved on the screen, are demoralized from 60 straight minutes of desperate invective from the manager. The front staff, half of which have now turned the butch kind of lesbian, are in absolutely no shape for continued front-facing customer service. The manager, bless him, is almost ready to rip someone's head off in full view of the entire staff for costing him so much potential profit. And the customers? They just waited nearly an hour for a fucking burger! Something is clearly wrong with this McDonald's, and they won't stand for it. With their tastes soured by the establishment's obvious incompetence, these customers will think twice before coming back again.
In returning to our question, the answer is clear. This order dwarfs all but the most barbaric quintuple-Quarter orders, and any normal McDonald's that is not already accustomed to its scale would be immediately overwhelmed by it. Bob's order, combined with McDonald's corporate policy on acceptable quantities of food preparation, would be impossible to fulfill in under two minutes, and its sheer magnitude is completely inconsiderate of every customer with the misfortune to fall behind it. His order wouldn't be turned away, of course. After all, the customer is always right. But his order would be a death sentence to any McDonald's with a line of orders to fulfill, and as he wheeled himself away with his fairly small pallet of food, I would wager to think that it wouldn't even cross his mind, chowing down easily but alone in his basement apartment, about all the quantifiable human suffering that went into making his food.
Excellent post fren but I believe your math is off. Those do not look like plain double cheeseburgers to me. Those appear to be double quarter pounders with cheese. Their regular cheese burgers, double or otherwise, do not have sesame seeds on the bun.
Leaving everything else the same would bring up the caloric intake to...
I now have to go off by myself and decide if eating this or a bullet would be better.
Holy shit, you're right. In my mad rush to eviscerate Bob with every word of the English language, I forgot to actually look at the picture. Please accept my apology by means of an updated nutrition factsheet.
This information changes the story a bit. If I recall correctly, one Quarter patty takes 120 seconds to cook, and we're looking at eight of the motherfucking things, which means a completely full grill. I'm not going to spend another hour and a half writing McDonald's fanfiction, but you can rest assured that at least one person's going to have a nervous breakdown at the end of this order.
After the Capitol incident, I was reading comments that mentioned the time AOC and other left-wing protesters gathered outside Pelosi's office along with intimidating other representives (I don't remember if this was before or after she was elected to Congress). Did Bob ever chime in to defend his waifu?
If memory serves me rightly, some protesters from the Sunrise Movement* asked to get into the Capitol to demonstrate outside Pelosi's office and AOC used her pass to let them in, so it had to be after she was elected. (as an aside, seeing the very same leftists that Pelosi emboldened stab her in the back will never not be funny to me)
To the best of my knowledge Blob never said anything about it.
* an environmentalist organisation that's picketed politicians' offices and homes in order to get them to support the Green New Deal
The fact that Bob hasn't died of a heart condition or become so fat he can't move shows the resilience of the human body. He thinks a 7740 calories is a small meal for one person? No wonder bob hates farmers they can't produce enough food to fill his gaping maw.
Bob shows his support for someone detained because of the goddamned borders and has nothing to do with them being a tranny porn "artist" trying to hawk their wares of thicc women and futas.
No idea how Bob found this. He follows neither account on either of his known accounts. I'm also pressing X to doubt that border patrol stopped some tranny at the border to get IN to Canada and now first tranny needs to raise funds so that he can fly down to fascist America to single handedly save his pillow biter but only if you give enough you bigot.
Will blob finally give up the facade of being a wholesome atheist boy and just start doing nothing but retweeting porn art? Probably not, but it would be a massive improvement over his usual schtick
View attachment 1951948
Other than Bob starting to push blame onto Israel (pleasegetmoreunhingedpleasegetmoreunhingedpleasegetmoreunhinged) for us being, to quote his quote, "in war", it was the 432% increase in drone strikes that got me. I had never heard that number before so I let keyboard do the walking and looked it up. I could only find one article with that number. It's from something called The New American and it was written just months after Trump took office.
The gist of it is is that in 36 days Trump did 45 drone strikes and that's an increase of 432% of what Obama's average was.
I couldn't find that number in my, admittedly small, search anywhere else. However, I did find multiple outlets all reporting that Trumps drone strikes were much higher than Obama's but it couldn't fully be verified as The Government restricts information about strikes. Whether that's new with the Trump administration or has always been the case I don't know and none of the articles I looked at bothered to clarify.
I'm pointing this out and sperging about this because all that info would've been nice to fucking know at any point during his 4 years instead of being shoveled shit into my face with things like the piss dossier which faggots like Bob still believe is real to this very day.
EDIT:
Well fuck me running. I bitch about drone strikes and then I find out that Bob's already addressed this.
tl;dr
"Yeah I 'get' what's TRYING to be said here but you could easily interpret this as BLM or fags wanting to blow shit up"
No you fat retard. No one other than you and your autistic hanger ons and trannies, but I repeat myself, are unable to extrapolate from this image macro that it's a distinction without a difference. No one other than whom I've just mentioned looks at the republican plane bombing and see the same exact plane doing the bombing only with DEMOCRATS at the top and a bunch of woke LABLES put on the side and thinks "This is just saying that BLM and fags wanna blow shit up!". You are fucking stupid Bob.
The beauty of memes is how they are able to convey a message with little to no words. Bob can't lay out his thoughts without a small novel of tweets. He really is the embodiment of the overly wordy/endless rambling meme about the Left. Not only that, he has the worst combination of undiagnosed spergery and Dunning-Kreuger this side of a poetry slam.
Will blob finally give up the facade of being a wholesome atheist boy and just start doing nothing but retweeting porn art? Probably not, but it would be a massive improvement over his usual schtick
I actually agree with this. The more you try to repress a side of yourself, fucked up or not, for the sake of appearances, it will always, and I mean ALWAYS, come out side ways. Rather an open degenerate that admits he’s a sex weirdo rather then one who is obviously restraining himself to keep what little reputation, if any at all, that they have publicly.
Plus it’d be fun to make fun of the blob’s fetishes, who knows, maybe he’s into Mario and is secretly a closet homo, it’d explain the obsession, shrine like room, video game collection, and lucky item’s he carried around with him in his younger years.
As someone who had the displeasure of working at McDonald’s, I had a solution for these kinds of situations. When the kitchen was slammed and people were demanding to know what was taking so long, I’d point at the fattest person in the restaurant and tell them “You see that land whale over there? She’s the reason why we’re behind on our orders.”
He's now 40 years old, has no major jobs at any writing outlet and has unintentionally burned all bridges with the woke crowd and major media sites by saying stupid, crazy shit out loud in public.
I imagine I'm not alone when I say that the appeal of American fast food is in it's cultureless audacity. A hard taco which is actually a dorito inside a soft taco which is deep fried? A bacon cheese sandwich with fried chicken instead of bread? A bacon triple cheese burger which is inexplicably the length of a hero sandwich? Sure, fine, it doesn't matter anyways, here's 90 minutes of full contact MMA in empty calories.
Of course Blob's idea is to take what is already just cheese wrapped in carbs, and wrap it in more carbs. Maybe that'd be an idea that Pizza Hut or Dominos could make worth doing with a little more effort than that, but Blob thinks because it's in a tortilla, that means Taco Bell should care.
Rate me MOTI because I am miffed. Even fast food isn't disgustingly homogenous enough for him.
. Great analysis, minus the fact that as a McDonald’s ex employee, those are I believe quarter pounders unless the buns have changed. Good shit, I love this sort of stuff.
