Boson
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2014
So I just found this nicely written bit on my dash. Greasy/Child bride/Kayla should read this if anyone at all.
"Why is an adult/child dating relationship automatically abuse?"
I think that's probably the best summary of our concerns, yeah?
"Why is an adult/child dating relationship automatically abuse?"
As a teenager, you are growing and learning at a phenomenal pace. Month by month you are becoming savvier, wiser, more socially equipped. That rapid development continues into your 20s. So as a teenager, a big age gap is a REALLY big age gap, because you are learning and changing so much so quickly during that time.
It’s not totally about “maturity” though - it’s about power. As you get older, younger people start to look up to you. They might trust you to know things you really don’t, because you’re older and you know how to say stuff convincingly.
Getting older also means learning all the different ways people pressure or manipulate each other. Most of us are still learning about this stuff into our 20s - even if we’re really smart and mature. Someone having a lot more of this knowledge than the person they’re dating means the power in the relationship is uneven, because the older person can pressure you in ways you can’t recognise or defend against.
And I’m sure teenagers have noticed that if you get into a conflict with an adult, other people take the adult’s word over yours. Even if you’re right. Even if you need help.
So if you date an adult, that person has power over you that, even if they don’ttry to use it, really does effect how the relationship works. There’s no way to have a healthy relationship with that big a power difference, because you can’t make choices the adult doesn’t like without worrying about what they’ll think or do. You’ll end up in situations you’re uncomfortable with and not have the tools or social power you need to get out of them.
The other piece is - adults who date teenagers are looking for something they can’t get in their usual dating pool. For most adults, dating a teenager wouldn’t even occur to them, because they understand how wrong it would be. Adults have our own groups of friends, our own ways to meet people our own age, and if an adult is flirting with kids they’re looking for something they can’t get from someone who’s old enough to catch on.
The adults who seek out teenagers want someone they can pressure and manipulate. They’re looking for an abusive relationship, and like all abusers they’re really sneaky about it at first - but they have the added advantage of knowing tricks you haven’t had time to learn yet, as well as the advantage of being listened to when you won’t be.
Every smart, mature kid feels older than their age at least some of the time. I know I did. But being really smart and really mature doesn’t make you an adult - having had years and years of being around other people and learning the little social things that you can’t get from books is part of it. Having the power of an adult - the freedom to come and go as you please, being listened to by the people around you - that’s the other part.
It’s not totally about “maturity” though - it’s about power. As you get older, younger people start to look up to you. They might trust you to know things you really don’t, because you’re older and you know how to say stuff convincingly.
Getting older also means learning all the different ways people pressure or manipulate each other. Most of us are still learning about this stuff into our 20s - even if we’re really smart and mature. Someone having a lot more of this knowledge than the person they’re dating means the power in the relationship is uneven, because the older person can pressure you in ways you can’t recognise or defend against.
And I’m sure teenagers have noticed that if you get into a conflict with an adult, other people take the adult’s word over yours. Even if you’re right. Even if you need help.
So if you date an adult, that person has power over you that, even if they don’ttry to use it, really does effect how the relationship works. There’s no way to have a healthy relationship with that big a power difference, because you can’t make choices the adult doesn’t like without worrying about what they’ll think or do. You’ll end up in situations you’re uncomfortable with and not have the tools or social power you need to get out of them.
The other piece is - adults who date teenagers are looking for something they can’t get in their usual dating pool. For most adults, dating a teenager wouldn’t even occur to them, because they understand how wrong it would be. Adults have our own groups of friends, our own ways to meet people our own age, and if an adult is flirting with kids they’re looking for something they can’t get from someone who’s old enough to catch on.
The adults who seek out teenagers want someone they can pressure and manipulate. They’re looking for an abusive relationship, and like all abusers they’re really sneaky about it at first - but they have the added advantage of knowing tricks you haven’t had time to learn yet, as well as the advantage of being listened to when you won’t be.
Every smart, mature kid feels older than their age at least some of the time. I know I did. But being really smart and really mature doesn’t make you an adult - having had years and years of being around other people and learning the little social things that you can’t get from books is part of it. Having the power of an adult - the freedom to come and go as you please, being listened to by the people around you - that’s the other part.
I think that's probably the best summary of our concerns, yeah?
