Spunt's helpful guide to Britain for fat Americans - Learn about Anglos so you can hate them better

What should I cover next?

  • The BBC

    Votes: 40 51.3%
  • Sportsball

    Votes: 10 12.8%
  • Education

    Votes: 23 29.5%
  • Culture

    Votes: 19 24.4%
  • Something else?

    Votes: 3 3.8%
  • Kys Anglo faggot retard nigger

    Votes: 13 16.7%

  • Total voters
    78
  • Poll closed .
I can't say many positive things about Newcastle other than "It's better than Gateshead". It's a nice enough city that has good people for the most part but there's definitely something in the water.
Gateshead is such a non-entity that they had to put a sign up behind the stage in the Sage concert hall reminding artists that they weren't in Newcastle. I lived in Newcastle until my early 20s and the only time I've ever intentionally gone to Gateshead is to visit the Big Ikea. There's still the Metrocentre, but ever since they closed Metro Land it's just a shitty shopping centre that's annoyingly far away from the town.

Getting to Gateshead from Newcastle is a pain in the arse, too. The roundabouts by the bridge are full of nutters and seemingly exist on some sort of dimensional ripple ensuring that the exits all take you in precisely the opposite direction than the one you want.

There's a semi-famous song about the Tyne called 'Waters of Tyne' (I won't subject you to Sting's rendition) about a girl who wants to get to her boyfriend, who's on the other side of the Tyne (One wonders why she doesn't just use on of the numerous bridges, but w/e). It's never made explicit which side she's on, but let's be honest we know she's not going to fucking Gateshead.

I will say one thing for Gateshead though- at least it's not Sunderland. A god forsaken hellhole, that city is, and I'm not just saying that because they keep humiliating us in the footy.
 
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Gateshead is a lot like Salford. It has long since been swallowed up by Newcastle, geographically, economically and culturally, the same way Salford was swamped by Manchester decades ago. Seeing its denizens insist that they're not just a suburb in the big city's sprawl and actually their own place is a little bit sad, honestly.

Sunderland, however, is its own brand of freezing, polluted stabby hell distinct from Newcastle's, so at least they've got that going for them I guess. Give it half a century though and it'll just be another bit of MegaCastle One.
 
You could bulldoze Sunderland and turn it into a big Aldi and a carpark and I doubt anyone would notice.

Someone once took me for a highly unfortunate date in Sunderland. I stopped off in Newcastle town first where it was beautifully sunny and warm. People were out and about, the cafes had their outdoor seating full of cheerful daytime drunks. I sat on a bench by the green for a fag and chatted to an old man, enjoying the last of the summer sunshine.
The instant I got off the metro at Sunderland it was as though I'd timetravelled to Pripyat in the last moments before the disaster. Freezing cold, a bitter gale blowing across the car parks and sending the empty no2 capsules skittering across the tarmac like beetles. The place was steeped in this forbidding, sinister energy like a particularly dodgy wetherspoons. I proceeded to have a very uncomfortable pint in a desolate sports bar that looked it belonged in one of those fake CIA towns, before making a point about having somewhere to be and fucking off back to the coast. Being in Sunderland feels like a hangover.

Only place that I can think of that's as grim in Newcastle area is Blyth. Fuck me, that place is sad. Haggard old sailors and smackheads milling about through the skeleton of the old industry. The North East is a really depressing place to be in many ways just because you can still see what it used to be in the docks and the old mining villages. The people have always been poorer, but at least in the past they were poor with a job. Now they're just shiftless druggies and teen mums, and among those who are actually employed the rich half wall themselves up in Jesmond and Gosforth or fuck off to the countryside, while of the rest the vast majority seem to be recruitment consultants. Recruiting for what? God knows. The little villages are getting eaten up by the suburbs too, so it's only a matter of time before any charm has been completely eroded.
 
One thing most of the media here won't tell you is that the African and Caribbean populations really really hate each other.
Late to the party but: This is a remarkably true statement. I once witnessed this exact hatred play out between a Nigerian woman and a Caribbean woman at the tailor I go to when I was picking up some trousers I'd had work done on.

The Nigerian was trying to barter and bargain with the owner, an Indian, in an attempt to get some money off when the older Caribbean lady started to absolutely berate her for trying it on with him.

The Caribbean woman was in the right, there isn't really a bartering culture in the UK outside of large purchases like cars or houses, if you're paying for a service like a tailor or a hairdresser, the price is the price.

What got me about the entire situation is the shit the Caribbean woman was coming out with, the kind of shit that I as a white British male would simply not get away with.

Keep up the good work @Spunt, these posts have had me creasing!
 
Most Scousers love their city but I seem to be in a minority there. We got a Cathedral that looks like Barad-Dur (which is pretty cool) but that's about all I like and some dipshit just tried to bomb it a few months ago (he failed and blew himself up in his taxi instead. Inshallah).

I really wouldn't recommend Liverpool to anyone for anything really. Or the UK for that matter.
There's some cool architecture in Liverpool, I really like the Georgian bit. The docks are sweet too. Liverpool One is quite nicely done up but a bit limited for shopping IMO.
 
You could bulldoze Sunderland and turn it into a big Aldi and a carpark and I doubt anyone would notice.

Someone once took me for a highly unfortunate date in Sunderland. I stopped off in Newcastle town first where it was beautifully sunny and warm. People were out and about, the cafes had their outdoor seating full of cheerful daytime drunks. I sat on a bench by the green for a fag and chatted to an old man, enjoying the last of the summer sunshine.
The instant I got off the metro at Sunderland it was as though I'd timetravelled to Pripyat in the last moments before the disaster. Freezing cold, a bitter gale blowing across the car parks and sending the empty no2 capsules skittering across the tarmac like beetles. The place was steeped in this forbidding, sinister energy like a particularly dodgy wetherspoons. I proceeded to have a very uncomfortable pint in a desolate sports bar that looked it belonged in one of those fake CIA towns, before making a point about having somewhere to be and fucking off back to the coast. Being in Sunderland feels like a hangover.

Only place that I can think of that's as grim in Newcastle area is Blyth. Fuck me, that place is sad. Haggard old sailors and smackheads milling about through the skeleton of the old industry. The North East is a really depressing place to be in many ways just because you can still see what it used to be in the docks and the old mining villages. The people have always been poorer, but at least in the past they were poor with a job. Now they're just shiftless druggies and teen mums, and among those who are actually employed the rich half wall themselves up in Jesmond and Gosforth or fuck off to the countryside, while of the rest the vast majority seem to be recruitment consultants. Recruiting for what? God knows. The little villages are getting eaten up by the suburbs too, so it's only a matter of time before any charm has been completely eroded.
You Brits are adorable, pretending like there's anywhere on your blighted island that isn't a desolate hellscape by any other place's comparison. Even the Canadian Far North or Yakutia is less bleak than Cardiff or Derby.
 
You Brits are adorable, pretending like there's anywhere on your blighted island that isn't a desolate hellscape by any other place's comparison. Even the Canadian Far North or Yakutia is less bleak than Cardiff or Derby.
Injuns are their own sort of shit heap though.
 
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OP you missed Coventry, Poole and I can't decide between Gravesend or Hull...
Maybe your next post (not strictly relevant to my comment above) could be a brief tour of our cathedral cities such as Canterbury.
I live just out of Canterbury. Everything is kinda getting replaced with poncy expensive private housing estates in the nice rural villages around Dover and Sandwich slowly. (There is a really really good retro game shop on Palace Street in Canterbury however - I bought my Mega-CD from there, they even sell imports and repros and shit like that.)

Thanet is a particularly shitty place btw if we're talking about Kent.

The redeeming parts (pretty much anywhere near to Minnis Bay up to and including Westbrook Bay such as Garlinge, Westgate and Birchington; as well as Pegwell, Dumpton and Cliffsend) are all really nice though, however. The worst are Tivoli, Newington and Dane Valley: basically anywhere that has lots of housing on it is a tip, and anywhere that still has greenery around is still really fucking nice.

The sterling value directly correlates to the house prices which explains why no one is building council properties. Eventually there will be a massive crash, but it will only happen when current 20ish year olds' parents are all dead.

This is genuinely so accurate though. Can't stop laughing because of how fucking well executed this is.
 
I wouldn't give a shit about the big cities being disgusting, but the scary thing is how quickly the countryside and the small villages are being eaten away. The village I grew up in was pretty isolated when I was growing up, surrounded by fields and woodland. Now, 20 years later, the hill and the village are sort of protruding from a sea of ugly suburban housing which has sprung up like mushrooms.

England has some really beautiful countryside. The moors down south around Devon are gorgeous, and even up north the area around Hadrian's wall is really striking. I was in the Malverns a while ago and it's incredible, not just on the hills but in the forests. We have these beautiful resources and we don't give a shit and build estates and high speed rail lines all over them.

People in every country are soft and stupid like the English but it's more noticeable here because we have less space and we're all crammed on top of one another, so the effects of our rampant stupidity are more apparent.
 
Having tried a few counties train systems the worst one I've used is New York's by far even worse than the places in the UK I've used. New York didn't even have any digital signage which was standard for pretty much any other ones I've used and it being built like a maze didn't help.

Looking it up took them till 2020 to get digital signage, so doubt anywhere in the UK is that bad even if it's still shit.

I Googled Sunderland and all the pictures are of football rather than the city, did the same for Newcastle and it shows the city. That is very telling.

Did find this "Sunderland ranked as the best city to live and work in the UK"
Going to say I find that hard to believe going by this picture used
0_TMP_NEC_081118SunderlandCityCentre01JPG.jpg
 
I Googled Sunderland and all the pictures are of football rather than the city, did the same for Newcastle and it shows the city. That is very telling.
Sunderland's football club was the subject of a netflix documentary (was meant to be a story of how they got back into the premier league, instead they got relegated again and fell into League 1) so that probably helps skew results
 
Having tried a few counties train systems the worst one I've used is New York's by far even worse than the places in the UK I've used. New York didn't even have any digital signage which was standard for pretty much any other ones I've used and it being built like a maze didn't help.

Looking it up took them till 2020 to get digital signage, so doubt anywhere in the UK is that bad even if it's still shit.

I Googled Sunderland and all the pictures are of football rather than the city, did the same for Newcastle and it shows the city. That is very telling.

Did find this "Sunderland ranked as the best city to live and work in the UK"
Going to say I find that hard to believe going by this picture used
View attachment 2877881
The Chronicle is a shit-tier Geordie rag, I wouldn't put credence in anything they have to say. The local counscillor they quoted is talking out his arse too- no one seriously believes that Sunderland is a nicer place to live than Edinburgh. Yeah it's cheap but you've just as much chance of getting glassed and you don't even have any nice buildings to look at.
 
I live just out of Canterbury.
I visited Canterbury last summer and I kid you not I have never in my life been to a place with so many homeless people. Every time I turned a corner there was another group of 4 or 5 drunken hobos milling about, it got so bad I was starting to wonder if it was just the same group of tramps following me around the city all day because its impossible to have so many homeless in one place.

Nice place overall though, lovely architecture and I had some great fish and chips.
 
I visited Canterbury last summer and I kid you not I have never in my life been to a place with so many homeless people. Every time I turned a corner there was another group of 4 or 5 drunken hobos milling about, it got so bad I was starting to wonder if it was just the same group of tramps following me around the city all day because its impossible to have so many homeless in one place.

Nice place overall though, lovely architecture and I had some great fish and chips.
Yeah there's mass homelessness around Kent and it's mostly thanks to house cunts, also our natural beauty and export of agriculture is being killed off to make way for dull modern build private housing estates which means more uninspired and depressed living environments with more stupid shit on them to go wrong.

Also most people are ardent Tories around here (not a bad thing but not good in the sense of what I will describe after because of the increase of shit going on) and the social services treatment towards people who are in the position of "that weird middle that is obviously mentally ill but can on the surface pretend to be ok" are complete and utter wankers, really don't wanna powerlevel but I was in temporary accomodation for 3 months in Ramsgate and it was horrible, then moved somewhere where those who were meant to be helping me would just literally turn up, do what they wanted to do and fuck off (the company made the local news actually because a support worker got caught making a vulnerable adult draw money out his bank account daily!!!), and I think it took about 2-3 months of back and forthing because of seemingly deliberate conveniences and cockblocking before I could move where I am now.

Education is also underperforming too in this part of the country, so either you're born into a house owned by a snobby rich cunt family or go fuck yourself eventually. Honestly can't wait for higher ups to suffer the fate of the basic concept of "finite supply".

Also dad dislikes how blandly built and proprietary new builds are, so yeah.

Sorry this went on a tangent, I guess there's many worse things to be mad about really. I just really don't have good hopes for anyone's future here and it's really shitty seeing people waiting months for no reply on the street, genuine people often enough too. The druggies seem to be the priority because they're the most obviously fucked :/
 
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Yeah there's mass homelessness around Kent and it's mostly thanks to house cunts, also our natural beauty and export of agriculture is being killed off to make way for dull modern build private housing estates which means more uninspired and depressed living environments with more stupid shit on them to go wrong.

Also most people are ardent Tories around here and the social services treatment towards people who are in the position of "that weird middle that is obviously mentally ill but can on the surface pretend to be ok" are complete and utter wankers, really don't wanna powerlevel but I was in temporary accomodation for 3 months in Ramsgate and it was horrible, then moved somewhere where those who were meant to be helping me would just literally turn up, do what they wanted to do and fuck off (the company made the local news actually because a support worker got caught making a vulnerable adult draw money out his bank account daily!!!), and I think it took about 2-3 months of back and forthing because of seemingly deliberate conveniences and cockblocking before I could move where I am now.

Education is also underperforming too in this part of the country, so either you're born into a house owned by a snobby rich cunt family or go fuck yourself eventually. Honestly can't wait for higher ups to suffer the fate of the basic concept of "finite supply".

Also dad dislikes how blandly built and proprietary new builds are, so yeah
So Kent is slowly turning into Essex and Surrey?
 
So Kent is slowly turning into Essex and Surrey?
Yeah pretty much.

Wish there was something I could be proud of, maybe the fact the UK have always had a history of producing great music, comedy, and things like that and there's no fucking way in hell I can't claim that to be a reason to be at least somewhat patriotic. (Having partial Irish blood in me - I must also make a nod to Thin Lizzy, as well as the sitcom/satire Father Ted).
 
So Kent is slowly turning into Essex and Surrey?
>slowly
Its already the same, like most Home Counties

Kent's also fun because its one of the few places in the uk with Grammar Schools, selective intake schools usually with segregated genders. Lots of people cross counties to get an education marginally better than comps, hell, used to be buses in from london to the one I went to
 
Yeah pretty much.

Wish there was something I could be proud of, maybe the fact the UK have always had a history of producing great music, comedy, and things like that and there's no fucking way in hell I can't claim that to be a reason to be at least somewhat patriotic. (Having partial Irish blood in me - I must also make a nod to Thin Lizzy, as well as the sitcom/satire Father Ted).
The way I see it, British cultural exports can be roughly divided between prole and posh. Posh exports tend to be in the comedy fields and film, like the Pythons, Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, etc, while prole culture dominates musical exports like the Beatles, the Stones, Oasis, One Direction, etc. Nowadays, however, both fields are becoming increasingly prole, and prole culture is becoming increasingly more shit. The sames happening in the States, only we never had a strong Posh culture to balance out the increasingly declining quality of lcd prole culture.
 
That games shop did not exist when I lived in Canterbury. Used to be one down past Kings College and then the ubiquitous chain store Games Workshop. But the homeless people on every corner was the same.
As to our trains, having recently experienced Amtrak, ours are far superior, I've never had a two hour delay in bumfuck nowhere in the UK. Both of my journeys were two plus hours longer than they should have been, there was no WiFi for a whole twenty plus hour journey (that was painful but I did manage to get through two books) and then the fucking train station at the end of my last journey didn't have WiFi either.
As for Greyhound they should be paying people to use their service, not the other way round.
 
There's some cool architecture in Liverpool, I really like the Georgian bit. The docks are sweet too. Liverpool One is quite nicely done up but a bit limited for shopping IMO.
I used to live in that part. One of those streets bisected by Catherine Street with one end like Mayfair and the other like Beirut. I was watching In The Name of the Father, at one part supposed to be set in London where the characters enter a hippie squat and it was bugging me the whole time. I felt like I'd seen it before. Turned out I had - from my window. For years. It was an actual hippie squat and had been ever since my childhood in the 80s. They filmed it in Scouseland to save time/money I guess, but that place had always been a dive, right next to Georgian apartments that are considered top line luxury today. the LHT owned a bunch of them back then and there were a lot of drugs, catburglars and ladies of the night (or sometimes, broad daylight) down thataway.
 
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