Spunt's helpful guide to Britain for fat Americans - Learn about Anglos so you can hate them better

[The Magnificence]

Pretty spot on. Ever since Blair, Norf FC types have been suspicious that the Labour party has been taken over by "Hampstead Liberals" (Hampstead being a posh part of North London with an economy entirely consisting of Apple products and complicated yet unpleasant coffee).

My friend, you are wasted here on the Farms. You should be writing books.

 

[Analphylactic Shock]

Here's a question I've always been afraid to ask. Why is it exactly that men in the UK don't give a shit about what women look like? You'll see solid 7/8 guys with deathfat 2's. In the past I've figured it had something to do with most good looking men turning into 3's the minute they opened their mouth. But I've since then met a few decent lads who'll have a solid little job, are semi understandable, and for whatever reason have a fat ugly wife.

I do not get it. Probably the only country on earth where getting hit on feels like an insult.

I've wondered about why the women were so wretchedly ugly for a long time. Historically, it wasn't the case.

My best explanation is that Britain is a victim of its success: the pretty women followed their enterprising husbands who left for the colonies. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, SA and America don't seem to suffer so overwhelmingly from gorgons with flappy tits.

You could throw in a few other points too: their squalid diets, the repellent Ganguro style, the emulation of the worst forms of American culture. Does anyone have a better hypothesis?

Additionally, Theodore Dalrymple is worth a read, if you take an interest in the general moral and intellectual decay of Blighty.

 

[ClownBrew]

Does anyone have a better hypothesis?

Alcoholism. They are simply too drunk and depressed to care that their women are bulldogs.

 

[The Magnificence]

I've wondered about why the women were so wretchedly ugly for a long time. Historically, it wasn't the case.

My best explanation is that Britain is a victim of its success: the pretty women followed their enterprising husbands who left for the colonies. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, SA and America don't seem to suffer so overwhelmingly from gorgons with flappy tits.

You could throw in a few other points too: their squalid diets, the repellent Ganguro style, the emulation of the worst forms of American culture. Does anyone have a better hypothesis?

Additionally, Theodore Dalrymple is worth a read, if you take an interest in the general moral and intellectual decay of Blighty.

 

[KID NAMED SCHWARMAPUNK]

Pakistanis

Well fuck me..., that's a damn shame to hear
Say can I get some sources on whatever you said? I know I'm gonna be real sad to see it, but still.

 

[NerdShamer]

Well fuck me..., that's a damn shame to hear
Say can I get some sources on whatever you said? I know I'm gonna be real sad to see it, but still.

Obligatory horror movie.

 

[KID NAMED SCHWARMAPUNK]

Obligatory horror movie.

Nigga I don't need no horror movie! I already got enough of that shit here!

 

[Sleazy Car Salesman]

I mean americans are one to talk, you faggots riot about even gayer sports like fucking hockey

Hockey riots are almost exclusively Canadian and far northern states. But yeah, hockey is serious business.

 

[Analphylactic Shock]

Obligatory horror movie.

Reminder that you'll never marry your waifu sister-cousin and have offspring as deformed as Charles II of Spain. Or that you can't keep popping out these banana kids and have the British State pay for it too.

On a different note, perhaps the mussies don't wrap up their women like mummies to protect their modesty. Perhaps they do it as a service to the rest of us.

 

[blackmarketbaby]

you guys are a fucking joke

it's really hard to endear me to british people. i like some of their music and their cinema but I just cannot tolerate english shit.

You are a young man with a bright future.

 

[Least Concern]

Test cricket is the classic, and the one most people think of when they think Cricket. It's the long form game which usually has 4 innings and can last up to 5 days.

I can't tell if you're serious about the five days bit. Surely that's not continuous and they break it up at some point and send everyone home and continue it the next day?

Baseball doesn't have a time limit and it's theoretically possible for a baseball game to last forever if the teams can't break a tie before the end of every extra inning. Is it similar to that?

If you hit something off a wicket to stop someone from scoring, is there someone that has the job to put it back on the wicket every time it falls off?

 

[Clem Fandango]

Surely that's not continuous and they break it up at some point and send everyone home and continue it the next day?

No, it's not continuous. They play from 11am until around 6pm usually, stopping for lunch and afternoon tea (of course).

They also have to stop if it's raining, or if the ambient light is "bad light". Which, in the UK, it often is.

 

[TheImportantFart]

@Spunt, this is officially my new favourite thread and as a fellow Britbonger, I can confirm it's 100% accurate.

Can I suggest a section on political scandals, some of which have been alluded to in your earlier posts? We haven't had anything like Watergate or Lewinskygate in recent history, but there's still a few worth discussing. Matt Hancock is the latest in a long line of cheating scandals, which also includes former Lib Dem Leader Paddy Ashdown (or Paddy Pantsdown as the press called him), Blair-era Home Secretary David Blunkett (not sure how that happened - he's blind as a bat and as ugly as one too), Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten (had a threesome with two guys which allegedly involved scat) and former PM John Major. I mentioned this in another thread, but John Major came to my school to give a talk (spoiler alert: it was the most boring thing ever. The only thing I remember from it is him confirming that Air Force One doesn't have an escape pod on board) and during the Q&A, someone got expelled for asking him: "Why did you have an affair with Edwina Currie? She's fuck ugly." And of course, who can forget Corbyn and Dianne Abbott, which made Cameron fucking a pig at uni look downright sensible in comparison.

However, my favourite scandal was what happened to Jacqui Smith, Gordon Brown's Home Secretary. During the MP expenses scandal, it came to light that her husband had bought two porn films, watched them in the family home, and then tried to claim them as an expense. I can't blame the poor chap - I wouldn't fuck Jacqui Smith through a fence, but if you're going to be a coomer, at least be subtle about it.

I also don't think this thread is complete without some input from @CWCissey on Manchester, particularly Oldham.

EDIT: Unrelated, but what's the deal with the Isle of Man? Is that considered part of the UK or is it a weird autonomous zone like the Channel Islands?

As was already said, Crown Dependency, so they get to make their own laws (subject to Liz's approval), but if they ever get into military trouble, we have to do all the heavy lifting in terms of Defence. The Crown Dependencies are basically the equivalent of a trust fund brat who wants to be all independent, so they go off to university miles from home living off the bank of Mum and Dad, and only call home when they get into trouble and need bailing out.

From what I can gather, the Isle of Man is essentially a mini Wales in the middle of the Irish Sea - known for greenery, sheep (they have their own special breed there called the Manx Longhorn), tailless cats and not much else. Their finest export is the Bee Gees, and their only recent claim to fame is having the Isle of Armor from Pokemon Sword and Shield based on them. I did have a vague interest in taking a trip there at some point just to see what it's really like, but I live in the South, so it would involve either a plane ride or a circa five hour car journey Norf followed by a trip on a ferry which is more effort than I'm willing to put in. Plus, the Isle of Wight's practically on my doorstep and has much nicer weather.

Fun fact for the pub quiz - rather ironically, given its name, Tynwald (the Isle of Man's Parliament) was the first national legislative body to give women the right to vote in 1881

On the subject of geography, although Britbongistan is usually (mostly accurately) thought of as a rain-soaked, sheep-infested rock in the North Sea, we do in fact have a desert, albeit in very loose terms. Dungeness in Kent is our mini Sahara, although it's really just a larger than average shingle beach which gets slightly less rainfall than the rest of the country:

 

[Spunt]

@Spunt, this is officially my new favourite thread and as a fellow Britbonger, I can confirm it's 100% accurate.

Can I suggest a section on political scandals, some of which have been alluded to in your earlier posts?

Was planning to move on to things like sport, health and education next. Not made much progress on the next post as it turns out the quacks aren't quite finished rooting around my innards in search of my social conscience - I keep telling them they're wasting their time and it's not in there, but they insist on checking for themselves in a few days' time.

If anyone else wants to cover it be my guest?

As was already said, Crown Dependency, so they get to make their own laws (subject to Liz's approval), but if they ever get into military trouble, we have to do all the heavy lifting in terms of Defence.

Who the fuck is going to declare war on the Isle of Man but not the rest of Britain? Yes the Irish are next door but last time I checked their Navy consisted of two pool toys and a second-hand canoe. The most terrifying thing the Irish can deploy in battle are long, boring monologues about the Potato Famine.

 

[CWCissey]

Their finest export is the Bee Gees,

Even then, they fucked off to Manchester pretty sharpish.

Also, Mindhorn. Because Mindhorn.

As for Manchester (Thanks Fart!) it's made up of 2 cities and 8 boroughs.

The City: Manchester is the heart of the region and holds the rapidly gentrifying city centre and all the trendy bars and music venues that Manchester's known for, it's hipster district is known for it's pricey booze, overrated food, actually really good record stores and the artwork, whether good or bad. However it is also made up of a massive ghetto to the south and east of the city centre, despite regeneration efforts from the Commonwealth Games in 2002.

Just avoid the main square Piccadilly Gardens if you can. It's full of Spice Heads, Crusty Jugglers and people wanting to gank you for fun.

The other city: Salford is often lumped in as just another part of Manchester but it is it's own city, and it's residents will let you know it.
Most of the really famous musicians tend to have more association with this area than Manchester itself.
Other than that it's basically rows of those terraced houses you see on Coronation Street (which was based on a neighbourhood in the city famed for really epitomising the baby boom in the UK) and it has the most tower block flats in England.

The old industrial quays have also recently been regenerated into 'MediaCityUK' where the BBC plopped a massive building to try to emphasise how much they understand the people outside the M25. It didn't work. The other main broadcaster, ITV also has a studio nearby.

The Boroughs:
Oldham
An old industrial town that used to build Lancaster bombers, now all it's known for is its excessive Paki population and the race riots that followed.

Rochdale
Basically a copy of Oldham, centre of the rape gang scandal and setting of the controversial drama about it 'Three Girls'

Bury
A garrison town, it's famous for being the home of the Lancashire Fusiliers (I recommend the museum!) and the apparently world famous market, which is pretty good if you want some bootleg DVDs or some black pudding, the local culinary contribution. The nearby village of Ramsbottom host a yearly festival based on the foodstuff as legend says during the War Of The Roses, the armies of York and Lancaster ran out of weapons and started throwing foodstuff at eachother. Yorkists threw Yorkshire Puddings and the Lancastrians threw black pudding.

Bolton
The town centre has a massive mosque and Warburton's bread is baked here. Also known for having a middling football team that went bankrupt.

Wigan
The regions whipping boy. If you're going to make an inbreeding joke, it usually involves Wigan. Purple Aki apparently lives here now.

Trafford
'The posh bit'. Has a fuck off huge shopping centre, Altrincham, a desirable postcode and home of United. Just don't look at Stretford.

Stockport
Home of the famous arches, Blossoms and Robbie's brewery (they made the Iron Maiden beer). Suffers and benefits from overspill of the neighbouring areas (North Stockport is a hole, but the south is quite lovely). The airport sits in this area too.

Tameside
Just a continuation of the East Manchester ghetto with some charming villages sprinkled throughout the moors. It's biggest landmark is the Ashton under Lyne IKEA.

The Manchester region boasts the most extensive light rail network in the UK and it is a good way to get around. Even if 9 times out of 10 it stinks of piss. A lot of the old lines were actually discontinued railway tracks that found new use.

 

[Cloaca Rimjob]

Obligatory horror movie.

Is he the one who sings the call to prayer?

 

[East_Clintwood]

Just avoid the main square Piccadilly Gardens if you can. It's full of Spice Heads, Crusty Jugglers and people wanting to gank you for fun.

It's also ugly as fucking sin, and has nothing of use or note except for a bus station to enable you to leave as rapidly as possible.

The other city: Salford is often lumped in as just another part of Manchester but it is it's own city, and it's residents will let you know it.
Most of the really famous musicians tend to have more association with this area than Manchester itself.
Other than that it's basically rows of those terraced houses you see on Coronation Street (which was based on a neighbourhood in the city famed for really epitomising the baby boom in the UK) and it has the most tower block flats in England.

There's a good reason Salfordians let you know they're not part of Manchester. Salford is shite enough in it's own right that they don't wanna get stuck with Manchester's baggage as well.

 

[KID NAMED SCHWARMAPUNK]

This "x's helpful guide to y country" is a pretty cool idea really. Expect a guide from me in a couple.

 

[Hitman One]

London

I miss the good old days when almost every Scottish male went to London at the age of 20, joined the Metropolitan Police, framed some minorities, batoned some uppity English cunts half to death and then returned home as an Inspector before retiring to a cottage somewhere on Skye or Lewis. Truly we have only regressed as time passes.

 

[TiggerNits]

An old coworker of mine that has since passed away was a Green Beret medic/combat swimmer in 60s, assigned to Europe. He had a great story about accidentally becoming a pimp in Newport after befriending some girls he met at a pub while going out with the SBS guys and part of his team that he was training with. He was married and when they were hitting on him, which he was used to being a tall, muscular and decent looking guy, he politely declined. So they asked him if he had friends looking for a fun night, not realizing they were trying to find johns, as he was just a kid in his early 20s from small town Ohio. He took them to his friends that were already a little drunk and they blew a weeks pay each on these girls. Everytime he was in Newport after that they'd find him and start picking up whomever he was with, including his team sgt and their 1st sgt who were both married. It took him 3 trips before he realized what was happening.

He also liked to point out the boathouse in Hereford was red brick with a shingle roof when he was there