Spunt's helpful guide to Britain for fat Americans - Learn about Anglos so you can hate them better

[AMHOLIO]

We don't, by and large, hate Americans, at least not in the big touristy cities, you're just another bunch of foreigners in ugly outfits buying tat from souvenir shops and at least you (sort of) speak English. Most English people in particular just find Americans over here hilarious to be honest, because they turn up expecting the place to be exactly like the USA and it isn't, at all, and the looks on their little faces when they realise that they can't see every UK city in a single day is adorable.

But you might get issues in rural areas. An American friend of mine married an English guy and moved to the far North of Scotland, and they encountered genuine hostility from the locals - they actually hated her more for being American than they hated him for being English. Apparently in Inverness, if you say "I'm American", that is interpreted as "Yee Haw, I'm George Dubya Trump III and I'm here to lynch niggers and steal all your oil."

Most of the UK is fine to visit, like most of the US is. Living here though is a different matter.

Thanks, glad we can tard in peace with the locals. We feel the same way towards the UK, generally, but uaually thinking you're posher or more sophisticated than us (lol). I had an English couple come into my workplace and asked for help with change counting, lovely people. Another was a group of Irish nursing students (immediately obvious since they were whiter than my Polish descendent ass), one got horribly sunburnt (Florida) and was crying and I helped her find some burn cream. She was sweet.

That's wild on the rural areas. It make sense and it is what it is, shame on that. I couldn't tell you if the sentiment is the same in our rural areas, but I'll keep to myself if I happen to cross into those over there.

Serious answer? Treat the UK more or less like OT threads here. Don't power level, don't ask intrusive questions and don't expect friendship. That'll see you right 90% of the time. The other 10% is just part of being in the UK.

Suddenly the reason why we have so many goddamn bonglanders on this forum make sense (aside from you guys too loving to laugh at speds). Thanks, this is kinda comforting.

I'm kidding, Harry got pulled here by the sheer force of crazy bitch pussy

Nothing ever prepared me as a young person from seeing that affect my male friend in real time IRL. Crazy bitch pussy must be one hell of a drug. For women, usually we're lulled in before we get taken on a wild ride by abusive partners.

but bear in mind Canada considers English-French crosses to be "Mixed" and not "White" for some mad reason

The French Canadians are snooty and hold grudges. They don't even have signs in both French and English since a) they want to preserve their dialect & French speaking ways b) they're pricks. The French really are the enemy.

One thing most of the media here won't tell you is that the African and Caribbean populations really really hate each other.

Surprisingly similar situation to America, actually. The USA descendants of slaves (capital Black) tend to not like Africans immigrants for not complaining as much about racism, being unwoke, and being more successful. African immigrants (who are fewer and of richer class sans somilians) dislike the other for making them look bad. Islanders are a mixed bag of those who were upperclass and educated and the immigrants fleeing shitholes (you find these guys more on the southern coast of the USA) and doing menial work to good and bad results. And Somalians are disliked for the same reasons they are in the UK. There can be peace amd friendship between all groups of course, but sometimes being dark skinned doesn't mean you're Black.

Isis' greatest hits

Thank you, this made me spit out my drink.

Travellers, you see, do their thing in the countryside, where woketards never come in contact with them.

This highlights the difference in gun control between fatass americans and inbred UK. If they tried this in our rural areas they'd get fucking shot, and likely would have a harder time existing. Crime still happens in rural America but rural Americans are gnarly on "GET OFF MY LAWN" based matters.

A quick note on why Indians have been so successful in the UK.
Its India’s ancient and brutal caste system. All those Drs and surgeons come from the top Brahmin class, the business owners from the middling Vaishyas class. They’re basically just carrying on with what they’d expect to be doing if they were still in India. The street shitters are Shudras and Dalit class, who couldn’t afford to move to the UK in the first place. There’s a couple of significant subsets to UK Indians, some didn’t come directly from India, but via Uganda, after Idi Amin kicked them out in the 70s. Also, Sikhs. Sikhs have an illustrious martial history and are usually based as fuck. Large numbers fought on the British side in both world wars, and they’re some of the most British people you will ever meet. They love cricket and booze (I once read that no Sikh wedding reception is complete without at least six types of scotch) and are usually generous to a fault. I’ve yet to meet a Sikh I didn’t like.

Similar situation for Americans. The areas where we have Indian immigrants are either the already upperclass or the ones who worked their ass off to get to America and be free of the caste system. I've known some who still go back to their home town to help them out, bless them.
Wish I knew some Sikhs, sounds based.

Edit: I stayed up all night and can't spell, disregard spelling errors I suck cocks.

 

[Clem Fandango]

Miliband's short-sided changes to the Labour membership and internal voting systems,

You're not kidding. I had a mate who was a Tory councillor at the time join the Labour party to vote for Corbyn as leader. The Conservatives we're giddy at the prospect of running against a shabbily dressed, terrorist sympathising, literal communist. They knew the general public wouldn't go for it.

Milliband was actually getting pretty close to acceptable for a lot of middle England. His policies were not that dissimilar to Cameron (who, in turn, wasn't that different to Blair really). Why do you think there was so much emphasis put on irrelevant stuff like bacon sandwich photos, two kitchens, etc? That's all the Tories had to smear him with, and they were sweating.

Anyway, Labour later had a purge of all the phonies who joined just to vote Corbyn. A lot of genuine and lifetime Labour members got caught up in that too, LOL

 

[Shig O'nella]

You're not kidding. I had a mate who was a Tory councillor at the time join the Labour party to vote for Corbyn as leader. The Conservatives we're giddy at the prospect of running against a shabbily dressed, terrorist sympathising, literal communist. They knew the general public wouldn't go for it.

Unlike Labour, the Tories remember Michael Foot very well.

 

[Friendly Primarina]

Neat article but it's pretty obvious spunt has a Polish boyfriend. In my experience and that of those around me, the hard-working nature that the Poles are known for is starting to slip, like England is rubbing off on them.

(Riots are for race wars and suspicious elections, not for a game which can be played with four sticks stuck in the ground and an inflated goat bladder.)

Every time Americans talk about soccer, this exact same joke. At least joke about how fucking endless it is, or its retarded fans:

As for cricket, it's very simple: the two guys in the middle are trying to score points (runs) and everyone else on the field - except the umpires - are trying to stop them, preferably by getting the two guys "out." How they get them out and how the two guys score points is where the complication comes in. But if pakis can figure it out it can't be that confusing.

 

[AMHOLIO]

Question for Brits: I've seen more hard, hard left people from britbong than burgerland. Am I crazy or do you have more politically hardcore people than us? I feel like our hardcore crazies are drawn ro religion on the right so that cuts our politicunts in half, leaving only godless or pagan hardcore sjws and euphoric rightwingers.

 

[Shig O'nella]

Question for Brits: I've seen more hard, hard left people from britbong than burgerland. Am I crazy or do you have more politically hardcore people than us? I feel like our hardcore crazies are drawn ro religion on the right so that cuts our politicunts in half, leaving only godless or pagan hardcore sjws and euphoric rightwingers.

Off hand, I'd say we have about the same sort of percentages.
It's just that very few people here talk about religion at all, it's considered a private thing* and no one else really gives a shit, so the sperging from both sides is really socially/politically focussed.

*Don't forget - crowded island. Privacy is really important.

 

[Spunt]

Apart from Northern Ireland and some parts of Scotland, where Presbyterianism is the order of the day, most British Protestants follow the Church of England (a.k.a. C of E, Anglican), which is the most softcore Christian church anywhere in the world as far as I know. They don't get much involved in politics (or at least they don't endorse parties or candidates) because they're headed by the Queen who is by long tradition committed to impartiality (the last British monarch who "got a bit political" ended up without his head). The C of E is nice to a fault, they'll tolerate almost anything and they're probably the most progressive Christian church on the planet short of things like the Unitarians or Universal Life Church who many claim have fallen out of the bottom of Christianity altogether. Female bishops, gay marriage, the lot. Anglican churches are tea and sandwiches, not fire and brimstone, so much so that a handful of Anglican Branches in Africa have seceded because the Church's leadership don't hate the gays enough for their liking.

British people know what happens when religion and politics get mixed up and we don't approve of it, either in Northern Ireland or political Islam. Americans forget that we've been dealing with one kind of religiously-motivated terrorism or another for over a century now and we're sick of religious leaders getting big ideas because we know where it ends.

Fun fact: The Queen's representative in parliament, with the hilariously named job title of "Black Rod", is subject to one of the funniest traditions in the country. Back at the outbreak of the English Civil War, Charles 1st despatched Black Rod (basically his chief goon) to tell Parliament that their services were no longer required and to go home. The Speaker slammed the door in his face and told him to fuck off.

To this day, at the annual State Opening of Parliament ceremony, Black Rod leads the procession bringing the Queen into the chamber to formally declare Parliament open, and every year they slam the door in his face again and make him knock on the door three times, just to remind her Maj who's really in charge.

 

[Android raptor]

In case anyone is thinking the pictures of Manchester are fake, I can confirm that I lived in a house exactly like the ones in the photo, with my mum, dad and brother. It's about as depressing as you expect it to be.View attachment 2343672

Eh, the US has worse. Those building are at least solid brick. In the US shit like that get bricks slapped on the side facing the street and everything else super cheap vinyl siding. And developers still charge a shitton of money for it.

 

[East_Clintwood]

Soccer is a real sport, though I'm curious as to why your people take it so goddamn seriously. (Riots are for race wars and suspicious elections, not for a game which can be played with four sticks stuck in the ground and an inflated goat bladder.)

I mean americans are one to talk, you faggots riot about even gayer sports like fucking hockey

I think rugby is a real sport too, though I don't understand the scoring.

FYI there's actually two different versions of ruby, union and league. While the methods of scoring remain the same, the points for doing so are different. I'm gonna assume you're asking about Union since that's the more popular international version of the two. The first method of scoring is the try, this is analagous to a touchdown in american football, although the ball must be grounded behind, as opposed to simply crossing the goal line, and is worth 5 points.
If you score a try you attempt a conversion kick, which is basically equivalent to kicking an extra point in handegg (ie over the cross bar between the uprights) except it's worth 2 points.
Final main method of scoring is the dropped goal, kind of equivalent to a field goal, except it's done via dropped kick, as opposed to a place kick, and is worth 3 points.
There's also the somewhat rarer penalty kick which can either be a place or dropped kick and is also worth 3.

But I'm pretty sure cricket is just a bunch of guys standing in a field and making things up as they go along, Calvinball-style.

I don't wanna go too deep into this in case Spunt wants to do it but I'll give you a semi tl;dr. It's honestly not that hard, I mean legitimately inbred retarded pakis in the arse end of nowhere can figure it out. Even Australians can understand it (mostly), how hard can it be?

The batting side has 10 wickets per inning (think of them as like Outs in baseball)
The batting side is attempting to score as many runs as possible, either by physically running and touching the opposing crease line just in front of the stumps (the little wooden sticks) worth 1 run, or by hitting the ball out of the field of play (worth an automatic 4 or 6 runs, depending on if the ball touches the ground before it crosses the boundary rope or not)

The bowling side is attempting to both limit the number of runs the batters score, and to get 10 get opposing players out by (also known as taking their wicket). The main ways of getting wickets are
1)bowling them out, this is where the ball when bowled hits the stumps and knocks the little bails on top off
2)bowling them out Leg Before Wicket (aka LBW). This is probably the most arcane bit that confuses foreigners. Basically it's where the ball would have hit the stumps, except the batter blocked it with their body (usually the leg hence the name). There is a bunch of minutiae about exactly how/when someone is LBW (don't worry no-one other than Umpires, and sometimes not even them know them all) but we do have a nifty piece of tech called Hawk-Eye that tracks the ball, and calculates the trajectory etc to make decisions easier.
3) Catching them out after they hit the ball (I know you're all dumb johnny foreigners but I shouldn't have to explain catching to you, right?)
4)Running them out. In cricket you do not have to run/attempt to score after thitting the ball. However if you do run, the bowling side can get you out by hitting the stumps with the ball and knocking the bails(little crosspiece on top) off before you reach the crease.

One final note is there are actually 3 main variations of cricket these days. Test cricket is the classic, and the one most people think of when they think Cricket. It's the long form game which usually has 4 innings and can last up to 5 days.
One Day Internationals (aka ODIs) are a shorter form designed to be played in one day (bet you didn't see that coming). in this case the teams only get one inning each, and they are limited to 50 overs (an over is 6 balls bowled)
The final version is Twenty20 (aka T20), and is designed to be the flashy quick version to hook the low attention span plebs (think home run derby). Each team again only has one inning, but only 20 overs (or 120 balls) to score as much as possible, so encourages showy big-hitting games.

 

[AMHOLIO]

I mean americans are one to talk, you faggots riot about even gayer sports like fucking hockey

Hockey riots are more Canadian. Its only gay if the cockpieces touch, the rest is barfights but on ice.

 

[Null]

To this day, at the annual State Opening of Parliament ceremony, Black Rod leads the procession bringing the Queen into the chamber to formally declare Parliament open, and every year they slam the door in his face again and make him knock on the door three times, just to remind her Maj who's really in charge.

you guys are a fucking joke

it's really hard to endear me to british people. i like some of their music and their cinema but I just cannot tolerate english shit.

 

[Friendly Primarina]

you guys are a fucking joke

it's really hard to endear me to british people. i like some of their music and their cinema but I just cannot tolerate english shit.

>Getting called a joke by a literal refugee

 

[Null]

>Getting called a joke by a literal refugee

Yes.

Did I pick Ukraine or the UK? Guess why.

 

[Spunt]

Yes.

Did I pick Ukraine or the UK? Guess why.

You were working your way down the list in alphabetical order?

 

[Shig O'nella]

Yes.

Did I pick Ukraine or the UK? Guess why.

Ukraine.

They drink less.

 

[AbyssStarer]

This thread reads like a gay blog.

 

[Return of the Freaker]

This thread reads like a gay blog.

And you'd know all about those, of course...

 

[AMHOLIO]

This thread reads like a gay blog.

Can't wait for the post detailing the top 5 best places to vigorously bugger men in public or private. And after that, a guide on what qualifies as "English Cottage" decor.

 

[Shig O'nella]

The top 4 are all Clapham Common.

 

[Thomas Talus]

The other is any given navel vessel, accompanied by rum and the lash.