The Horrors of the "Professional" World - Stories that will make you wonder how we exist.

[DrJonesHat]

So what has she been looking at that the pope would disapprove of?

One of those "are you ready for the Rapture" sites, the Catholic church considers the Rapture to have no biblical basis (they are right), ergo, the Pope was stopping her from reading it. Yeah, I get a lot of people who are either off their meds, or really need to be on them.

 

[Picklechu]

I'm legitimately to the point where I'm having to convince myself on a daily basis that I really don't want to go get another master's degree/a PhD/a law degree. I'm that desperate to get out of this office. I took most of the past week off, and I thought a lot. I've had this shitty part-time job for two years, and they've treated me like shit from day one. Even if I don't have a full-time job lined up--I'll at least have a few consulting contracts for political campaigns next year--I'm quitting before 2018 begins. I truthfully don't care anymore. I'll eat nothing but ramen, drink nothing but bottled water, and never turn on any lights if that's what I have to do.

 

[Shiversblood]

Those damn offices and phd things and those jerks in the suits telling guys to cut their hair.

I sometimes discuss Africa.

 

[ICametoLurk]

Those damn offices and phd things and those jerks in the suits telling guys to cut their hair.

I sometimes discuss Africa.

What about Africa?

 

[Shiversblood]

Less offices in Africa.

 

[captn_kettle]

We recently had a break-in and laptops stolen. An engineer phones up:

"I can't access my emails, can you have a look?"
"I would do, but I don't have a laptop. We had a burglary and we're still trying to get us up and running"
"Ok not a problem. If you can just remote in quick and have a look"

Took a while before it got through to the engineer that without a laptop, you can't remote in.

Then another engineer phoned up a couple days later, and complained he couldn't connect to the company WiFi. That was because he was out of range of the wireless router...........by about 60 miles.

And finally, some woman in the office was having a full on tard rage. "Why the fuck won't my computer fucking login. This fucking place, things are always fucking breaking. I bet they changed my fucking password".

The techie walked over to the laptop, pressed the caps lock key and got her to try again. Unsurprisingly, it worked.

 

[Ryker]

The techie walked over to the laptop, pressed the caps lock key and got her to try again. Unsurprisingly, it worked.

Ah, it's a wondrous silly thing people manage to do, but still good for a laugh.

 

[captn_kettle]

Ah, it's a wondrous silly thing people manage to do, but still good for a laugh.

I wish that was the silliest thing people do, but it's probably one of the least silly. Some people don't have 2 brain cells to rub together.

I don't think I've brought this one up before, but it gave me a really good laugh.

So I work in an open plan office. In case anyone has never seen one (somehow), you're given a massive open room, and if you want any individual rooms you need to bolt walls to the ceiling and the floor. Our company decided to go for glass walls.

I didn't realise this until it was mentioned, but if you have glass walls you need to have some sort of decal covering the big panes for health and safety to stop people walking into them.

So everyone was working when the most almighty fucking bang rang through the office. Seriously this bang was louder than an office full of people chatting, taking calls etc.

Everyone in the office turns around to see what it was, and instantly knew this woman had gone full fucking force into the closed door.

With a sore head and the wash of embarrassment that's come over her, she proceeds to full on cry. Problem is, having glass walls everyone can still see her. To counter this, she ends up going behind the only desk in the room, hide behind it and cry as people finally go over to help her.

As bad as I felt for her, it was fucking funny. Also I learned a couple of months later that she had already done the same thing twice before.

 

[shilly_mays]

A fire broke out in the server room and they called IT instead of the fire department.

 

[shilly_mays]

I sent someone a link to download something along with a screenshot of the site where the link in question was marked with a red square to show here where to click, as I knew she was a bit older and not computer literate.

She said it wasn't working and when I called her, she told me she was clicking where the red square was.

Meaning she was clicking on the screenshot itself, and never used the link.

 

[neverendingmidi]

We recently had a break-in and laptops stolen. An engineer phones up:

"I can't access my emails, can you have a look?"
"I would do, but I don't have a laptop. We had a burglary and we're still trying to get us up and running"
"Ok not a problem. If you can just remote in quick and have a look"

Took a while before it got through to the engineer that without a laptop, you can't remote in.

Then another engineer phoned up a couple days later, and complained he couldn't connect to the company WiFi. That was because he was out of range of the wireless router...........by about 60 miles.

And finally, some woman in the office was having a full on tard rage. "Why the fuck won't my computer fucking login. This fucking place, things are always fucking breaking. I bet they changed my fucking password".

The techie walked over to the laptop, pressed the caps lock key and got her to try again. Unsurprisingly, it worked.

Eh, I'll admit to a derp moment I did myself, that confused the guy we use for IT as well. I was using hyperterminal to communicate with one of our units, and no matter what I typed, it would not show up. I tried everything, and was getting frustrated so I called our IT-sh guy. He was baffled as well. He'd never seen the same condition.

It turned out the scroll-lock button had been bumped. Which apparently meant you couldn't use hyperterminal, as everything scrolls in that program. I felt like a moron, but at least nobody else I had asked knew this either.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

My dad has a much better IT job than he used to so now the only thing he has to worry about is accidently breaking the entire college's internet (he fixed it right afterwards!) but his past jobs involved working with irate and horribly confused customers. One great story involved directing a less than computer literate person where on the screen to click. The person said they were trying to click with the mouse but just couldn't see where the icon was. The icon would just get covered, and they couldn't click on it right. It took my dad a minute or two to realize that the person wasn't moving the cursor over the icon, they were picking up the mouse and placing it on the screen to try and click the icon.
His last job was in a K-12 school district and he once had to help a distressed teacher restore a bunch of files she lost. Important lesson plans and grades? No, cute pictures of puppies and kittens. Important!

 

[oldTireWater]

I refuse to learn new tools, or take on more project responsibility. I forget more of what I once knew, and my area of "expertise" narrows every year. I spend more time at work exercising than working. The only thing I bring to the table is cynicism and an odor of stale sweat. I'm staggering towards retirement years away, hoping to reach it before my professional value reaches zero.

"I've made a terrible mistake."

 

[AnOminous]

So I work in an open plan office. In case anyone has never seen one (somehow), you're given a massive open room, and if you want any individual rooms you need to bolt walls to the ceiling and the floor. Our company decided to go for glass walls.

Whoever invented those is a fucking autist who should never have been allowed to design anything. They're a total disaster wherever they're used.

 

[shilly_mays]

"I got a message that my computer was infected and to call a number so I called the number and this guy had me download something and is now controlling my computer."

 

[NQ 952]

Two professionals paniced over a fucking windows media stream today.

By panic I mean my phone exploded with all of the text messages ever.

Problem: windows media is old and shit.
Problem: out data center exploded.
Problem: we have a limited number of physical VCU units.
Problem: we have two clients that requires a total of three VCU connections and three windows media streams.

My solution: this isn't a problem. We have a virtualized MCU soluition that will let us give one client a physical unit and both clients a virtual unit. We then pull in the virtual units streams with Wirecast pro and transcode that into windows media.

Problem: one co-worker is a fucking retard that takes up two licenses of wirecast pro.

My solution: we have another license of wirecast pro on the encoders in the exploded datacenter. Deactivate that license and put it on the colo encoders that we're using.

Problem: "I have too much going on"

My solution: stop being a fucking alcoholic retard for once in your goddamn life.

Other engineers solution: "why don't we just use the encoders in the exploded datacenter"

My explanation: because we're under direct orders from the company CTO not to fucking run events out of there until further notice.

Other engineer: "I'm just going to run this out of the exploded datacenter and tel him too bad."

Me: Why don't you just pull the license from there
Me: Why don't you activate the license on the other machine?
Me: Why don't you do this it will take 5 minutes of your time?
Me: Why don't you do anything useful?
Me: Why can't both of you be useful?
Me: Why am I still here?
Me: Why did you ask me how to fix this if you were going to ignore me and waste my fucking time?

This company is run by retarded human beings. This company hires retarded human beings. This company is fucking useless.

I am embarrassed to have this company on my resume.

 

[TheImportantFart]

Here's a fun call I got today:

ImportantFart: Good morning, [name of firm I work at], ImportantFart speaking, how can I help?

Dumbass: Uh hi, can I speak to [Partner] please?

IF: He's away from his desk at the moment, but I can take a message and get him to call you back.

D: Uh... maybe you can help me.

IF: Certainly. Which matter are you calling in relation to?

D: Well... I sent my CV in about a month ago and I haven't heard anything. I just wanted to know if I'd got an interview.

I'll break off here to explain a few things. Our firm isn't quite large enough to have a dedicated HR department. Generally when someone sends their CV in it goes to our Office Manager and if she thinks it's promising she'll pass it onto one of the Partners to have a look at. Now, there are cases when a month can go by and you hear nothing because HR takes a while to process everything. However, when I originally applied to the firm, I got a call back two days later. The fact this guy had waited a month was probably a bad sign.

Luckily, the Office Manager sits right opposite me, so I quickly put the guy on hold and asked her if anything had happened with his CV. She couldn't remember his name originally, but when she found his CV on the system she immediately shook her head and told me to get rid of him. The conversation continued thusly:

ImportantFart: Hello sir? I'm afraid we're not recruiting at the moment. We will of course keep your CV on file for six months and if anything comes up -

Dumbass: What do you mean you're not recruiting?

IF: We don't require any more staff at the moment, but as I said, we'll keep your CV on file and if -

D: That's not going to work for me. My Mum says if I don't get this job I have to work at McDonald's.

I'm completely taken aback by this and don't quite know what to say, but I soldier on anyway:

ImportantFart: Well I'm sorry to hear that, but McDonald's isn't such a bad place to work. There are several people who work at this firm currently who started off at McDonald's.

Dumbass: But I have a degree. I shouldn't have to work at McDonald's!

IF: I have a degree too. I still had to work as a waiter after graduating and then do two years of further study before I got to where I am now. My sister's just graduated and she's temping anywhere that'll take her.

D: McDonald's is a dead end! I'll never get anywhere!

I was starting to think I was dealing with another Connor when he asked:

Dumbass: Why won't you hire me? What's wrong with my CV?

ImportantFart: I don't know. I haven't seen it. It might be a really good CV, but we're not recruiting at the moment so it makes no difference.

D: I want an interview! If you give me an interview I'm sure I can convince the Partners I'll be a worthwhile employee.

IF: I'm sorry sir, but I can't help you with that.

D: Why don't you interview me? We can do it right now over the phone.

IF: Sir, I can't do that - it's above my paygrade.

D: Please!

This went on for longer than it should have, but eventually I put the phone down. I had a lot to do and my job description doesn't include giving career advice to every rando who sends their CV to us.

I later had a look at his CV and it was really bad. Almost Chris or Connor levels of bad. The guy had no work experience and his degree was a third-class degree for a course that wasn't worth the paper it was printed on from a third-rate University. And he had no job experience listed. Not even any activities or anything.

At least Chris had some work experience on his resume.

 

[FierceBrosnan]

After working in the expo industry doing IT and electrician work there was no shortage of exceptional individuals with exceptional issues and the people who would dispatch my crew and I were generally just as stupid and never asked basic questions. 9 times out of 10 every on site call for IT went like this:

Customer: My internet doesn't work!
Me: I don't have any orders for internet for your both did you submit all the proper forms and do you have copies of them?
Customer: I was told internet was free at this event!
Me: Of course you were.

For the electrical work the amount of people that cannot do basic math was absolutely staggering and infuriating. Nearly every "my power doesn't work issue" was because these people would order the bare minimum of power and overload the fuck out of it. Having to explain to someone that they ordered a 5 amp service and have 30 amps worth of appliances plugged in and running was always a pleasure. Especially since they always manage to trip breakers and take down several other booths around them with their asshattery ( had to split things off quite often due to lack of available equipment and so on, so many booth had to share power) . So I'd have 1 pissed off idiot with no grasp of math getting mad at me for telling them to unplug some shit or actually order some dedicated amperage and a whole gaggle of pissed off idiots demanding to know when their precious lights would come back on. Then there were the people that would steal power lines from other booths and get so fucking indignant when caught. Eventually it hit a point where if I was called to go take care of something it was because the client was being an asshole of degrees never before seen in nature and they needed an even bigger one to deal with them.

On top of that I was one of the very few competent techs we had so I lost so many weekends and holidays being Mr.Reliable. And even though I had a pretty good crew under me the two other dudes that got shit done were just as tied up in that shit as I was while the rest of the lazy chucklefucks would call out sick during big event setups and loadouts. These dicks would always throw a fit when called out on it too.

Me: Dude you sure get a lot of food poisoning maybe you should stop going to shitty restaurants before every major event.
Dick: What do you mean?
Me: I mean stop making weak ass excuses and do the fucking job you're paid for before you get canned.
Dick: [ autistic screeching ]

After a while every event became the same dumbass routine of idiot clients, lazy employees, and me playing Atlas carrying the weight of entire events on my back. Finally bailed and now work doing IT at our central office. Still a mess of stupid but no where near as bad as out in the field. The only thing I miss was the massive overtime but the burnout just wasn't worth it.

 

[XYZpdq]

After working in the expo industry doing IT and electrician work there was no shortage of exceptional individuals with exceptional issues and the people who would dispatch my crew and I were generally just as stupid and never asked basic questions. 9 times out of 10 every on site call for IT went like this:

Customer: My internet doesn't work!
Me: I don't have any orders for internet for your both did you submit all the proper forms and do you have copies of them?
Customer: I was told internet was free at this event!
Me: Of course you were.

For the electrical work the amount of people that cannot do basic math was absolutely staggering and infuriating. Nearly every "my power doesn't work issue" was because these people would order the bare minimum of power and overload the fuck out of it. Having to explain to someone that they ordered a 5 amp service and have 30 amps worth of appliances plugged in and running was always a pleasure. Especially since they always manage to trip breakers and take down several other booths around them with their asshattery ( had to split things off quite often due to lack of available equipment and so on, so many booth had to share power) . So I'd have 1 pissed off idiot with no grasp of math getting mad at me for telling them to unplug some shit or actually order some dedicated amperage and a whole gaggle of pissed off idiots demanding to know when their precious lights would come back on. Then there were the people that would steal power lines from other booths and get so fucking indignant when caught. Eventually it hit a point where if I was called to go take care of something it was because the client was being an asshole of degrees never before seen in nature and they needed an even bigger one to deal with them.

On top of that I was one of the very few competent techs we had so I lost so many weekends and holidays being Mr.Reliable. And even though I had a pretty good crew under me the two other dudes that got shit done were just as tied up in that shit as I was while the rest of the lazy chucklefucks would call out sick during big event setups and loadouts. These dicks would always throw a fit when called out on it too.

Me: Dude you sure get a lot of food poisoning maybe you should stop going to shitty restaurants before every major event.
Dick: What do you mean?
Me: I mean stop making weak ass excuses and do the fucking job you're paid for before you get canned.
Dick: [ autistic screeching ]

After a while every event became the same dumbass routine of idiot clients, lazy employees, and me playing Atlas carrying the weight of entire events on my back. Finally bailed and now work doing IT at our central office. Still a mess of stupid but no where near as bad as out in the field. The only thing I miss was the massive overtime but the burnout just wasn't worth it.

It's cool if I plug in a few surge protectors for the booth next to me, right?

 

[FierceBrosnan]

It's cool if I plug in a few surge protectors for the booth next to me, right?

[ Blood pressure intensifies]