The Horrors of the "Professional" World - Stories that will make you wonder how we exist.

[Cato]

Has this ever meant something other than
a) We're really even scummier than our competitors!
Or
b) We're completely fucking useless at the actual job so feel sorry for us!

If that is the point of differentiation they point to between them and their competitors, it's a tacit omission that their product/service is inferior and can't be sold on its merits so they aren't even going to try that route.

My company donates to silent auctions for charities literally multiple times per week but it's a footnote in marketing because:

a.) We want to sell you our product on the strengths of it and why it is superior to what competitors are offering.
b.) It's cynical and exploitative to make charitable efforts front row and centre in marketing. Yes, it's an element of it as we do get acknowledgements and exposure from sponsoring events, but if a company jerks themselves off too hard about it they just look like pricks donating for the wrong reasons.

 

[AnOminous]

It's not too much of a rigmarole, but:

This is all excellent advice, and information all LEOs should have.

While the vast majority of sovcits are harmless other than their extremely annoying and often legally expensive "paper terrorism," a substantial minority of them are also violent, and that minority is also often heavily armed.

P.S. - BTW, the FBI classifies juggalos as a criminal gang organization, which is hilariously stupid.

The problem there is that they aren't distinguishing between the average, subhuman juggalo who is just a fan of the band, and the subhuman criminal juggalo gangs who use some of the trappings of the fandom but are mainly just gangs.

 

[Cato]

This is all excellent advice, and information all LEOs should have.

Thank you kindly; it served me well enough.

While the vast majority of sovcits are harmless other than their extremely annoying and often legally expensive "paper terrorism," a substantial minority of them are also violent, and that minority is also often heavily armed.

Yup.

A surprisingly number of them even have ridiculous compounds with security cameras, sandbags, barbed wire, etc, and they associate with like-minded people and indoctrinate their family members with their beliefs, so you don't want to screw around and dismiss them as harmless doofuses.

Related note: almost without exception the sovereign citizens I dealt with were either unemployed or had menial jobs or failing businesses, but they all had homes (usually big, nice acreage properties), vehicles and guns. Most also had livestock and nice toys. This is because they just run up any kind of debt they can get loaned to them and think they know the One Easy Trick for Getting Out of Having to Repay It (creditors hate them!). It's incredibly hypocritical and ironic that they are so protective of "their" property.

The problem there is that they aren't distinguishing between the average, subhuman juggalo who is just a fan of the band, and the subhuman criminal juggalo gangs who use some of the trappings of the fandom but are mainly just gangs.

Eh, I've read FBI reports on juggalos and it literally reads like a few dumbass juggalo kids were doing some graffiti or shoplifting and law enforcement officials extrapolated this to being some criminal gang conspiracy. If I recall correctly, exact wording in the report described the juggalos as "disorganized" and stated that their MO was "petty crime." It's definitely overly broad regardless but I haven't yet seen any convincing evidence of any legitimate "gang" activity even from a subset of juggalos (and if they were to enter the world of organized crime for real, they would get their asses kicked by real career criminals).

 

[lolwut]

Did you also have maps detailing known Bronies, Furries, YouTube Feminist bloggers and other people exactly as meaningful and threatening as sovereign citizens?

Why single them out? They aren't the only people who deal in threats, intimidation and obstructionist tactics. I just don't see why any agency would focus attention on a group like sovereign citizens specifically.

Because there is a blatantly obvious difference between jerking it to cartoon horses and believing that the federal government is an illegitimate oppressor and you know it. Youtube blogging and being a furry lead to autism, sovcit ideology leads to this shit:

 

[Arse Biscuit]

Sovcits are hilarious, most of the time. They're like ancaps on bad crank.

 

[Cato]

Sovcits are hilarious, most of the time. They're like ancaps on bad crank.

One sovcit a colleague of mine ticketed showed up to court and was being a dipshit and disrupting proceedings, the courtroom sheriffs started putting on their gloves, and upon noticing this the sovcit complained to the judge that he "felt threatened." The judge said "good" and then asked if he was going to calm down, and that was the moment the guy's world shattered and he realized his bullshit didn't work. lol

 

[Arse Biscuit]

One sovcit a colleague of mine ticketed showed up to court and was being a dipshit and disrupting proceedings, the courtroom sheriffs started putting on their gloves, and upon noticing this the sovcit complained to the judge that he "felt threatened." The judge said "good" and then asked if he was going to calm down, and that was the moment the guy's world shattered and he realized his bullshit didn't work. lol

Please tell me he tried to point out the gold fringe on the flag in the courtroom.

 

[Cato]

Please tell me he tried to point out the gold fringe on the flag in the courtroom.

Oh, that and the "admiralty court" nonsense was par the course for basically every sovcit court appearance. Also them telling the court that the government owed them money for showing up.

Another fun one was when a sovcit failed to appear for a stop sign ticket and was convicted in absence, then he showed up for court for another ticket and tried to argue that the officer was corrupt and untrustworthy because the previous stop sign ticket "was never proven in court." To which both the officer and judge repeatedly responded that he was convicted of that offense, but he didn't get it no matter how many times he was told.

 

[XYZpdq]

So I have a coworker.
He's a very nice person and I love him very much no homo.

On a bi-daily basis I have to push a button within a very short period of time with him or else Bad Things happen.
We're at opposite ends of the building so throwing something at him isn't an option

I've distilled it to the common chanspeak for simplicity's sake

>>coworker
>buhhhh durrrrr what am are times
>>me
>oh gosh fellow coworker, I use time.gov, it's very easy to synchronize to under a second with a few browsers open and f5ing the shit out of things
>>coworker
>hurrrr how does I shoot time
>>me
>there's a very handy website at time dot guvv you can go to time dot guvv and see exactly the time I'm looking at so we can push the goddamn fucking button at the same fucking time you goddamn moron I will bash your fucking head in with a crowbar until your brain leaks out onto the carpet and I have clean up because she's a bitch about people spilling shit in the control room

 

[An Sionnach Seang]

not so long ago, I came up with a joke which explains how the clerical part of British corporations often works

Q. how many office workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. five:
* one to flick the switch on and off repeatedly after they've been told the bulb's burst, and wonder out loud why the light's not coming on
* one to organise a three-hour meeting to debate what to do about the burst bulb
* one to be tasked with ordering the new bulb, but who has severe trouble with reading, writing and basic comprehension, so they end up ordering the wrong type of bulb
* one to be tasked with fitting the new bulb, but who complains that manual labour is beneath them and calls an electrician to fit it instead
* one to find the cheapest possible electrician in the phone book

related:

Q. how many electricians does it take to change an office lightbulb?
A. two: one to fit it, and another one to rewire the entire building when the badly fitted bulb shorts out the junction box and causes tens of thousands of pounds' worth of damage

(I've never worked in an office, but I often have to deal with the borderline retards who do)

 

[lolwut]

So I have a coworker.
He's a very nice person and I love him very much no homo.

On a bi-daily basis I have to push a button within a very short period of time with him or else Bad Things happen.
We're at opposite ends of the building so throwing something at him isn't an option

I've distilled it to the common chanspeak for simplicity's sake

>>coworker
>buhhhh durrrrr what am are times
>>me
>oh gosh fellow coworker, I use time.gov, it's very easy to synchronize to under a second with a few browsers open and f5ing the shit out of things
>>coworker
>hurrrr how does I shoot time
>>me
>there's a very handy website at time dot guvv you can go to time dot guvv and see exactly the time I'm looking at so we can push the goddamn fucking button at the same fucking time you goddamn moron I will bash your fucking head in with a crowbar until your brain leaks out onto the carpet and I have clean up because she's a bitch about people spilling shit in the control room

Alright, well now you have to tell us what the buttons do.

 

[XYZpdq]

Alright, well now you have to tell us what the buttons do.

DPRK missile tests.
Seriously though it's a server type thing and a thing related to it, nothing amazing.

 

[Arse Biscuit]

not so long ago, I came up with a joke which explains how the clerical part of British corporations often works

Q. how many office workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. five:
* one to flick the switch on and off repeatedly after they've been told the bulb's burst, and wonder out loud why the light's not coming on
* one to organise a three-hour meeting to debate what to do about the burst bulb
* one to be tasked with ordering the new bulb, but who has severe trouble with reading, writing and basic comprehension, so they end up ordering the wrong type of bulb
* one to be tasked with fitting the new bulb, but who complains that manual labour is beneath them and calls an electrician to fit it instead
* one to find the cheapest possible electrician in the phone book

You forgot
* whiteboard the feasibility and cost/benefit analysis of changing the light bulb.
* fat middle-aged lady says that she told everyone the light bulb was going to go bad and nobody listened to her.
* everyone leaves the meeting with 12+ action items.
* light bulb never gets changed.

 

[Cato]

Welp, I just found a pair of brass knuckles in a toolbox at work and have to investigate how they ended up there.

 

[LazarusOwenhart]

Welp, I just found a pair of brass knuckles in a toolbox at work and have to investigate how they ended up there.

Follow normal security procedure. It's the fault of whoever is easiest to blame IE: the owner of the toolbox unless THAT person is willing to shank somebody else.

 

[Cato]

Follow normal security procedure. It's the fault of whoever is easiest to blame IE: the owner of the toolbox unless THAT person is willing to shank somebody else.

I already fired the person who initially stocked the toolbox (for unrelated reasons) so if I wanted to be lazy it's the easiest situation ever to be lazy about, heh.

 

[LazarusOwenhart]

I already fired the person who initially stocked the toolbox (for unrelated reasons) so if I wanted to be lazy it's the easiest situation ever to be lazy about, heh.

Do you not track who uses the boxes?

 

[XYZpdq]

They're just some brass knucks it's not like it was a crack pipe jeez.

 

[Cato]

Do you not track who uses the boxes?

All employees have access to the toolbox in question to conduct minor repairs as needed. They are not particularly expensive tools and they are used on nearly a daily basis, so it's not worth the hassle to require any sort of sign out process.

They're just some brass knucks it's not like it was a crack pipe jeez.

Brass knuckles are a prohibited weapon in Canada. But even if they weren't, I'd want to know why someone is bringing weapons to the workplace as well as why they are leaving them there.

 

[LazarusOwenhart]

All employees have access to the toolbox in question to conduct minor repairs as needed. They are not particularly expensive tools and they are used on nearly a daily basis, so it's not worth the hassle to require any sort of sign out process.



Brass knuckles are a prohibited weapon in Canada. But even if they weren't, I'd want to know why someone is bringing weapons to the workplace as well as why they are leaving them there.

CCTV available?