The Horrors of the "Professional" World - Stories that will make you wonder how we exist.

[Monika H.]

So, I got a story fresh I was just aching to share here.

One of the big reasons I haven't been on the Farms almost all summer is because with my baby girl on the way and Covid messing everything up, I'm working like a machine to hoard all the money I can.
I work as an independent accountant and I shit you not about how it's not easy to get new contracts in current year in former Sovietstan, but alas I'm managing to.
I share the office with two other guys, one is a very slick, mafia-type guy, the other a girl who seemed nice enough at first, but I found out is the type she will screw you in the not enjoyable way if she can.
I did the big mistake of telling her about a big contract I got on the way, and what did she do? She photocopied my fucking papers while I was on smoke break, buttered up to my client and closed it for herself. Bitch just stole three weeks worth of work.
It doesn't end here.

On Monday I made a big show in the office about putting my former work papers through the shredder, to send a message to the bitch. Other colleague asked me what's up, I just told him that there certain people around us who cannot be trusted and are scummy as fuck. Naturally the bitch took notice of this and the day after invited me to lunch, and basically apologized - non-apologized by telling me about how she needs money and to close all the contracts she can, etc. I told her it's alright, but I've also brought up my own situation to remind her everyone has things to sort out. I won't leave any of my papers in that office anymore and maybe I'll actually get a safe for the things I have to keep there.

Bitch has basically screwed herself over too because she was the one I was considering approaching with the proposal of setting up a shared study, but I think I'll approach the other guy or someone else instead. I already found the place and agreed with a lawyer to friend to share offices for less expenses and more revenue, the thing is almost completely set up. For a quick buck now she screwed herself out of a step up.

 

[Monika H.]

Sorry for doublepost, but this is a big update.
Okay today I went again for a dining appetizer with the bitch colleague I've already talked you about. She invited me.
We talked about work and such, because she heard about my planned move next year. If y'all remember I was considering asking her come with me but changed my mind when she stole a contract from me.

Now she asked me about but not only that. She drank like two Camparis and I noticed she started rubbing my ankle with her foot under the table. She even slipped off the shoe to do that.
WTF.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

Sorry for doublepost, but this is a big update.
Okay today I went again for a dining appetizer with the bitch colleague I've already talked you about. She invited me.
We talked about work and such, because she heard about my planned move next year. If y'all remember I was considering asking her come with me but changed my mind when she stole a contract from me.

Now she asked me about but not only that. She drank like two Camparis and I noticed she started rubbing my ankle with her foot under the table. She even slipped off the shoe to do that.
WTF.

Probably you already worked this out, but...

IT'S A TRAP!

No, not like that. She thinks that if she can persuade you to engage in any sexual contact with her, even drunken experimentation, it'll be ammunition for a sexual harassment claim later down the line.

Never have any sexual relationship of any sort with your co-workers, anywhere, ever. You don't shit where you eat.

 

[Monika H.]

Probably you already worked this out, but...

IT'S A TRAP!

No, not like that. She thinks that if she can persuade you to engage in any sexual contact with her, even drunken experimentation, it'll be ammunition for a sexual harassment claim later down the line.

Never have any sexual relationship of any sort with your co-workers, anywhere, ever. You don't shit where you eat.

Figured as much.
Here we don't have much #MeToo but I suspect her intentions are to get favors from me or blackmail material.

 

[Mr. 0]

Figured as much.
Here we don't have much #MeToo but I suspect her intentions are to get favors from me or blackmail material.

Time for you to lawyer up and claim to be gay and/or in a committed relationship. And maybe look into laws regarding secretly recording shit

 

[stacks]

So, I got a story fresh I was just aching to share here.

One of the big reasons I haven't been on the Farms almost all summer is because with my baby girl on the way and Covid messing everything up, I'm working like a machine to hoard all the money I can.
I work as an independent accountant and I shit you not about how it's not easy to get new contracts in current year in former Sovietstan, but alas I'm managing to.
I share the office with two other guys, one is a very slick, mafia-type guy, the other a girl who seemed nice enough at first, but I found out is the type she will screw you in the not enjoyable way if she can.
I did the big mistake of telling her about a big contract I got on the way, and what did she do? She photocopied my fucking papers while I was on smoke break, buttered up to my client and closed it for herself. Bitch just stole three weeks worth of work.
It doesn't end here.

On Monday I made a big show in the office about putting my former work papers through the shredder, to send a message to the bitch. Other colleague asked me what's up, I just told him that there certain people around us who cannot be trusted and are scummy as fuck. Naturally the bitch took notice of this and the day after invited me to lunch, and basically apologized - non-apologized by telling me about how she needs money and to close all the contracts she can, etc. I told her it's alright, but I've also brought up my own situation to remind her everyone has things to sort out. I won't leave any of my papers in that office anymore and maybe I'll actually get a safe for the things I have to keep there.

Bitch has basically screwed herself over too because she was the one I was considering approaching with the proposal of setting up a shared study, but I think I'll approach the other guy or someone else instead. I already found the place and agreed with a lawyer to friend to share offices for less expenses and more revenue, the thing is almost completely set up. For a quick buck now she screwed herself out of a step up.

get the mafia man to kill her

 

[XYZpdq]

Figured as much.
Here we don't have much #MeToo but I suspect her intentions are to get favors from me or blackmail material.

Seriously go full Pence and don't even be in a room alone with her.
Edit- also make sure any supervisors you have are fully aware of what's up, tell them and email so there is a paper trail to point to.

 

[Grandpa Simpson]

When I was a young lad one of my first jobs was at a huge signage company. Making the big signs for businesses and highway billboards. First day I get in, the Manager is there, (son of the owner) and the Department head. The Manager reads the paper, has a coffee, calls his wife, asks about the kids. Then a Woman shows up, he gives her a kiss, they go out. Then near closing time, he comes back, gives the wife a call, tell her "It's been a madhouse down here all day". Then leaves. Does this every day, without fail, usually a different woman shows up each time.

The Department Head does most of the work, admin tells me I'm to take over his role in 2 months. So he starts training me up. The only problem is, nothing is written down or cataloged by him. He plays everything by ear. Jobs are filed sometimes under company name, sometimes the owner of the company, sometimes the wife of the owner that came in and gave him the job. He does everything by memory. Theres no filing system. Apart from the jobs themselves they keep no records. The Manager doesn't do any work and doesn't know how anything works. I'm not walking into this dumpster fire. I was gone after 2 weeks.

 

[Kiwi Lime Pie]

God fucking damnit I hated that shit when I took a math placement class to get into college. I know math is far from my best subject but the practice questions made me feel like I was stupid because you had to write out the answer and if you did not put it in the exact way that they want, even if it is technically right (ex: 24.5 instead of 24.50) then you had to do that whole section again. They didn't even explan how to do it correctly iirc.

@Vlinny Chan's quote from over in the Most bullshit exam you ever took thread relates to something I encountered during the past week at my job.

I was working on a client tax return, and got an error when I went to review it before printing it off. This particular error was such that it would prevent the return from successfully e-filing. Even though the error message stated that a required worksheet was missing, I knew it wasn't because the software had exported the relevant data from a different module into the client's return, and I manually went in to review the numbers.

I tried everything I could to clear the message, but it persisted even though I had what I thought were the necessary numbers in the corresponding data entry screen.

Through dumb luck, I figured out the issue was the fact that the field for the beginning of the year balance was blank when the system expected an entry of 0. Why the software couldn't have flagged this with a more descriptive message such as, "Beginning value for (worksheet) cannot be blank. A value of zero or more is required," baffled me. I guess it makes too much sense for professional software to be as specific as possible when it comes to flagging missing required data .

 

[JamusActimus]

I used to "work" in the millitary (obligatory service in my country)
A bunch of my comrades had the good idea to smoke a big joint of weed in front of the tank garage.
They begun to pass arround the joint in a circle thinking superiors were gone.

However an adjudant spotted them and they all got busted.
The military police came and put them on a line arbitraly choosing who had smoked and who hadn't (the whole group did).
Then they made them piss in a cup to test it of marijuana.

One of my friend had this in his pocket.

The military kiosk sold a lot of those at the time.
He put the juice box in his pants then turned to a corner to "piss" with it in the cup.
The juice had kinda yellow piss tone so he fooled the military police
They then used a reactive in his "piss" which obsviously didn't work making him innocent.

 

[Sped Xing]

I just saw a troon trucker. Bald pate, five o'clock shadow, garish makeup-- the whole kit and kaboodle.

I've often noticed without surprise that these reefer drivers are a softer lot than the flatbedders I started out with. It is, after all, a far easier job.

But maybe this is my sign that it's time to go back to the hardhat and winch bar life.

 

[AnOminous]

I just saw a troon trucker. Bald pate, five o'clock shadow, garish makeup-- the whole kit and kaboodle.

A real trucker or were they with Swift?

 

[Sped Xing]

I didn't see what they were driving, but "best in crash" is fitting for a creepy fatso with hrtitties.

 

[XYZpdq]

>tfw you're in charge of the dump button but he's going full ham on the heavy metal styles and you can't understand a fucking thing he's saying
;_;

 

[Hugbox Kommissar]

I work for a huge, multinational corporation and at this point I'm convinced that they're existing solely due to inertia and lobbyist efforts. I can count the number of competent coworkers I've interacted with on one hand. Everyone is either promoted beyond their abilities, way overdue for retirement, only interested in sucking up to their boss, just lazy, or Indian*. At least it pays well.


*Is it me or are Indians culturally incapable of taking responsibility for their fuck ups? Everything is deflected or excused.

 

[Stasi]

I work for a huge, multinational corporation and at this point I'm convinced that they're existing solely due to inertia and lobbyist efforts. I can count the number of competent coworkers I've interacted with on one hand. Everyone is either promoted beyond their abilities, way overdue for retirement, only interested in sucking up to their boss, just lazy, or Indian*. At least it pays well.


*Is it me or are Indians culturally incapable of taking responsibility for their fuck ups? Everything is deflected or excused.

My company uses an offshore support centre in India and can confirm proactivity is not a word they understand, take no responsibility and do not admit to any fuck ups. Any time there is a colossal fuck up or the budget is blown because Rajesh spent 200 hours on a 50 hour job I get to eat shit and India gets away with "the work was complicated/hard/etc.".

 

[neverendingmidi]

My company did an "anonymous" survey. I put anonymous in quotes because they could trace it back to departments/work groups even if they couldn't prove specifically who said what exactly.

Well... apparently the sheer negativity of my department spun up the executives who wanted to hear how wonderful they were. My boss was pulled aside by his boss who was shocked at some of the comments and read one of them out loud, and my boss pointed out that he was the one who submitted it! As he said, don't ask the questions if you don't want to hear the answers. My boss had to do interviews with each of us about the survey, and as far as I know everybody in my department had the same opinion as me, my immediate boss is pretty awesome, but I wouldn't trust any of the executives to piss on me if I was on fire without cash upfront.

Pretty much each interview ended as as rant between my boss and whoever he was interviewing about how the company has gone downhill. And I mean I can see it and I haven't even been there for over 10 years yet, compared to his 40. Just the difference in 5 years is appalling. I mean the executives seem to think we are as excited as they are when they lay off 300 people and hire two new vice presidents.

 

[drfuzzyballs]

I do warehousing
>management brings in a ghetto day labor crew to do packaging, whole area stinks like BO and weed, there was a fight and on two separate occasions people were fired for smoking weed in the bathroom
>on two occasions workers accused my boss of racism and were immediately fired. Black women of course
>while the place was shutting down I pull down a box to package the contents and see that it's been sitting there for 11 years

 

[XYZpdq]

>>coworker
>oh wow XYZpdq these wacky external hard drives sure do fuck up all the time amiritelol
>>me
>uh, I guess. okay that file's about done, I just have to eject th-
>>coworker
>lol who cares about that *YOINK*

 

[Stasi]

Guys, I'm too used to working from home now. Just let a big fart rip in the office without even thinking.

Lucky no one else is in because of the rona and I'm the only one on this floor. Could have been awkward.