WhimsicalTrolli
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2019
The New Kiwi Rangers: The Next Generation - Chapters 53/69 complete.
- Thread starter Napoleon Bonerfart
- Start date
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 48: I'm high rn but will add a chapter name later but probably not
@Bastard Samurai's erection was beginning to soften. "My penis is at the subcritical threshold. If I get any more flacid, I won't be able to keep the control rod in place."
"Hold on," @FroggyMan said over the com link, "I've finished recharging my power cells. I'll arrive at your location in 3 minutes. Do not let the reactor fail. Wendy, keep him erect until then."
@Wendy Carter fingered @Bastard Samurai's buttole even harder. Suddenly, she keeled over and died. The sight of @Wendy Carter's dead body was enough to keep @Bastard Samurai erect until @FroggyMan arrived.
@FroggyMan arrives with a sledgehammer and begins swinging it into the cement floor. Hairline cracks form and grow from the impact point. Froggy stops swinging for a moment to let his neural net processor scan the room. He walks towards @Bastard Samurai, who is still gloryholing with an undergroumd nuclear reactor.
"@Wendy Carter was not supppsed to die. Another historical deviation. Inadequate data to process quantum disturbance correction."
@Bastatd Samurai grew impatient. "Hey, uhh, can you sperg about this after I get my dick out of this hole?"
@FroggyMan resumed striing the cement floor with a sledgehammer until a hole big enough for him to climb into was excavated. He lowers himself to the floor below, into the reactor core. He repositions the control rods and climbs back up to the floor above. Now free of his duty to gloryhole the reactpr core, @Bastard Samurai dismounts and looks for some other object in the room to fuck.
Now at full power, the subterranean rooms and hallways lit up. @FroggyMan guided Bastard Samurai through a labyrinth of cooridors. At a dead end, Froggy bent over to pick up a small canister. He hands it to @Bastard Samurai.
"Historical record showed that Wendy Carter was the one to unload the holo universe, however Wendy is dead. You must be the one to do it now. Shove that film canister into your urethra."
-----------------------------
In thia future, Vordrak was still alive. His body has long shriveled up and had to be augmented by cybernetic implants. He was still able bodies, as he could not die, no matter how long patiently waited for him to give up.
In his secret lair, he finishes beating off to the Netflix movie, Cuties, and them turns his attention to the pod. Inside the ppd, a sleeping dog, long tired from nutting to feeder porn centuries earlier and in a state of hibernation. Though subdued, this dog, like him, could not die either. Though blissfully unaware of anything outside of his containment pod, the dog still projected psychoautistic waves.
Vordraks more powerful abilities remained subdued by this psychic field. So powerful was this field that it inhibited Vordrak from destroying the dog.
"I will break free soon," Vordrak said to himself. For centuries he was hard at work, manipulating events in the timeline, sealing time periods off from time travelrrs, and, most importantly, appealing Amy Lee's restraining order.
Of course, Amy Lee had been dead for centuries, but that didn't stop Vordrak from repeatedly trying to steal her embalmed corpse from the Library of Congress.
The time of his grand plan, the Inquisition Singularity, drew near. Thanks to his meddling, the legacy of Kiwi Deep Anus was forgotten.
Vordrak gave himself an ass pat for a job well done. He was the one who sabotaged the dimensional merfe XXX years ago, he was the one who corrupted Ghost Cock. He was the one who destroyed the Kiwi Rangers.
Or so he thought...
@Bastard Samurai's erection was beginning to soften. "My penis is at the subcritical threshold. If I get any more flacid, I won't be able to keep the control rod in place."
"Hold on," @FroggyMan said over the com link, "I've finished recharging my power cells. I'll arrive at your location in 3 minutes. Do not let the reactor fail. Wendy, keep him erect until then."
@Wendy Carter fingered @Bastard Samurai's buttole even harder. Suddenly, she keeled over and died. The sight of @Wendy Carter's dead body was enough to keep @Bastard Samurai erect until @FroggyMan arrived.
@FroggyMan arrives with a sledgehammer and begins swinging it into the cement floor. Hairline cracks form and grow from the impact point. Froggy stops swinging for a moment to let his neural net processor scan the room. He walks towards @Bastard Samurai, who is still gloryholing with an undergroumd nuclear reactor.
"@Wendy Carter was not supppsed to die. Another historical deviation. Inadequate data to process quantum disturbance correction."
@Bastatd Samurai grew impatient. "Hey, uhh, can you sperg about this after I get my dick out of this hole?"
@FroggyMan resumed striing the cement floor with a sledgehammer until a hole big enough for him to climb into was excavated. He lowers himself to the floor below, into the reactor core. He repositions the control rods and climbs back up to the floor above. Now free of his duty to gloryhole the reactpr core, @Bastard Samurai dismounts and looks for some other object in the room to fuck.
Now at full power, the subterranean rooms and hallways lit up. @FroggyMan guided Bastard Samurai through a labyrinth of cooridors. At a dead end, Froggy bent over to pick up a small canister. He hands it to @Bastard Samurai.
"Historical record showed that Wendy Carter was the one to unload the holo universe, however Wendy is dead. You must be the one to do it now. Shove that film canister into your urethra."
-----------------------------
In thia future, Vordrak was still alive. His body has long shriveled up and had to be augmented by cybernetic implants. He was still able bodies, as he could not die, no matter how long patiently waited for him to give up.
In his secret lair, he finishes beating off to the Netflix movie, Cuties, and them turns his attention to the pod. Inside the ppd, a sleeping dog, long tired from nutting to feeder porn centuries earlier and in a state of hibernation. Though subdued, this dog, like him, could not die either. Though blissfully unaware of anything outside of his containment pod, the dog still projected psychoautistic waves.
Vordraks more powerful abilities remained subdued by this psychic field. So powerful was this field that it inhibited Vordrak from destroying the dog.
"I will break free soon," Vordrak said to himself. For centuries he was hard at work, manipulating events in the timeline, sealing time periods off from time travelrrs, and, most importantly, appealing Amy Lee's restraining order.
Of course, Amy Lee had been dead for centuries, but that didn't stop Vordrak from repeatedly trying to steal her embalmed corpse from the Library of Congress.
The time of his grand plan, the Inquisition Singularity, drew near. Thanks to his meddling, the legacy of Kiwi Deep Anus was forgotten.
Vordrak gave himself an ass pat for a job well done. He was the one who sabotaged the dimensional merfe XXX years ago, he was the one who corrupted Ghost Cock. He was the one who destroyed the Kiwi Rangers.
Or so he thought...
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 49: Something this way cums
@Kirito dies. He fucking dies. A bright flash envelops the room and he fucking disappears. This was not supposed to happen.
@Froggyboi looks perplexed. A quantum computer spins up a vast network of relays and trapsistors in his head, attempting to calculate new probabilities; too many deviations in the timeline. The monster truck festival, Wendy Carter dying, and now @Kirito is gone along with the holographic universe. Without the OG rangers, there is nobody to stop Vordrak. Froggy lamented that it was a good thing Christine Weston Chandler never programmed him with emotions, or he could be mildly upset about the situation.
His programmed mission was to unlock those destined to stop the Autistic Legion of Doom. He traveled through time. He existed for thousands of years. He collected data, ran gorillions of simulations, he knew his ultimate fate, to die in the past, riverdancing. Every time he tried to unlock the holofilm, the kiwidestined would fucking die. With every failure, he timehopped and tried again. And every time, the future changed, like what happened in that shitty Ashton Kutcher film.
His timeditch only had enough radioactive bees in it for one more time hop. If he failed again, that would be it. It would also mean that he couldn't riverdance with the OG New Kiwi Rangers: The Next Generation Kai to meet his ultimate fate. Should he give up? What would his purpose be? If his advanced POZatronic neural net couldn't determine a plan, what could?
Perhaps if he could revive the supercomputer in the core of Kiwi Deep Anus, he could increase his processing power. The base had electricity for now, well at least lights. Who knew how long the ancient nuclear reactor would keep the place running. His autism-accelerator unit temporarily boosted his POZatronic brain to determine how long the supercomputer run on the old reactor. "PROBABILITY OF FULL BASE SHUTDOWN: 69%. OPERATIONAL TIME(max) 420 seconds." Better than nothing.
He made his way through the base, down various tunnels, across catwalks in large, cavernous test chamgers. The laser turrets that normally kept intruders out were not a threat, as they ran on the same DDOS guard that Null used for his website. Eventually, he reached the deepest part of Kiwi Deep Anus: Level Omega. In lieu of a door was what looked like a giant prolapsed anus. Historical records indicated that @bearycool used to call the "Transport Tube" and insisted it was necessary for science. Froggy climbed into the gaping anus-like entrance.
Once inside, he appeared to be floating in a void. There was no echo, there was no light except for a small glow in the center of the room. A single LED on a 1.44 megabyte floppy drive. That was what Froggy was looking for: an advanced supercomputer and the heart of Kiwi Deep Anus.
As he floated towards the single point of light, a dim but glowing octagonal platform appeared beneath him, allowing him to walk again. In front of him was a card table with an IBM 5170 and an open copy of "Girldick Quarterly Magazine" Its pages were stuck together and the magazine itself was permanently cemented to the table. Froggy momentarily scraped some of the dried cum off the table and tasted it. Radiosemen dating sensors in his mouth analyzed the ancient, dried cum.
"CUM PROCESSING: 1.. 2.. 33.. 100% Species analysis: Cat/dragon hybrid. Age, approx XXX2 years old"
"Only XXX2 years old?" Thought Froggy, "That's too new. Someone has been here before." He disregarded that for a moment and flipped the switch on the IBM 5150. The monitor showed a bios screen before booting to a cycle accurate Super NES emulator.
The void faded revealing a high-resolution mode-7 floor miles below the octagonal platform.
A voice roared behind him.
"I have risen! You faggots only thought I killed myself!"
Froggy turned around. He saw a cat/dragon hybrid furfag hovering a few feet above the platform.
"Byuu!" Froggy exclaimed.
"It's been a long time, Froggy man", the flying furfag said, "or, perhaps should I say, It's been a long time... @Count K. Rumulon!"
... To be continued
@Kirito dies. He fucking dies. A bright flash envelops the room and he fucking disappears. This was not supposed to happen.
@Froggyboi looks perplexed. A quantum computer spins up a vast network of relays and trapsistors in his head, attempting to calculate new probabilities; too many deviations in the timeline. The monster truck festival, Wendy Carter dying, and now @Kirito is gone along with the holographic universe. Without the OG rangers, there is nobody to stop Vordrak. Froggy lamented that it was a good thing Christine Weston Chandler never programmed him with emotions, or he could be mildly upset about the situation.
His programmed mission was to unlock those destined to stop the Autistic Legion of Doom. He traveled through time. He existed for thousands of years. He collected data, ran gorillions of simulations, he knew his ultimate fate, to die in the past, riverdancing. Every time he tried to unlock the holofilm, the kiwidestined would fucking die. With every failure, he timehopped and tried again. And every time, the future changed, like what happened in that shitty Ashton Kutcher film.
His timeditch only had enough radioactive bees in it for one more time hop. If he failed again, that would be it. It would also mean that he couldn't riverdance with the OG New Kiwi Rangers: The Next Generation Kai to meet his ultimate fate. Should he give up? What would his purpose be? If his advanced POZatronic neural net couldn't determine a plan, what could?
Perhaps if he could revive the supercomputer in the core of Kiwi Deep Anus, he could increase his processing power. The base had electricity for now, well at least lights. Who knew how long the ancient nuclear reactor would keep the place running. His autism-accelerator unit temporarily boosted his POZatronic brain to determine how long the supercomputer run on the old reactor. "PROBABILITY OF FULL BASE SHUTDOWN: 69%. OPERATIONAL TIME(max) 420 seconds." Better than nothing.
He made his way through the base, down various tunnels, across catwalks in large, cavernous test chamgers. The laser turrets that normally kept intruders out were not a threat, as they ran on the same DDOS guard that Null used for his website. Eventually, he reached the deepest part of Kiwi Deep Anus: Level Omega. In lieu of a door was what looked like a giant prolapsed anus. Historical records indicated that @bearycool used to call the "Transport Tube" and insisted it was necessary for science. Froggy climbed into the gaping anus-like entrance.
Once inside, he appeared to be floating in a void. There was no echo, there was no light except for a small glow in the center of the room. A single LED on a 1.44 megabyte floppy drive. That was what Froggy was looking for: an advanced supercomputer and the heart of Kiwi Deep Anus.
As he floated towards the single point of light, a dim but glowing octagonal platform appeared beneath him, allowing him to walk again. In front of him was a card table with an IBM 5170 and an open copy of "Girldick Quarterly Magazine" Its pages were stuck together and the magazine itself was permanently cemented to the table. Froggy momentarily scraped some of the dried cum off the table and tasted it. Radiosemen dating sensors in his mouth analyzed the ancient, dried cum.
"CUM PROCESSING: 1.. 2.. 33.. 100% Species analysis: Cat/dragon hybrid. Age, approx XXX2 years old"
"Only XXX2 years old?" Thought Froggy, "That's too new. Someone has been here before." He disregarded that for a moment and flipped the switch on the IBM 5150. The monitor showed a bios screen before booting to a cycle accurate Super NES emulator.
The void faded revealing a high-resolution mode-7 floor miles below the octagonal platform.
A voice roared behind him.
"I have risen! You faggots only thought I killed myself!"
Froggy turned around. He saw a cat/dragon hybrid furfag hovering a few feet above the platform.
"Byuu!" Froggy exclaimed.
"It's been a long time, Froggy man", the flying furfag said, "or, perhaps should I say, It's been a long time... @Count K. Rumulon!"
... To be continued
Last edited:
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 50: Snap back to Reality
In the holofilm universe, @bearycool finished unloading 5 or 6 gallons of pee into Ghost Cock's mouth. Being a religious conservative and a powerbottom, he made sure to stay flaccid the whole time so not to tarnish himself withe disgusting sin of penile stimulation. Special compounds in @bearycool's urine, including Amyl Nitrates and 5 different bee pollens, and enzymes, performed complex chemical processes. Ghost Cock could feel his DNA altering. His immortality waned, his cock became corporeal. He was no longer the villain known as Ghost Cock, now he was just @Eggplant, who was a goodboy who dindu nuffin wrong.
"Thank you for peeing to my mouth, father. I now pledge myself to the side of good."
@bearycool, being the designer of the holofilm universe, raised his right hand. A green, @bearycool-height pillar formed from the ground. A screen and keyboard manifested. @bearycool typed on the keyboard and looked at various gauges and some other stupid shit on the screen. "Something is not right," @bearycool said, "I cannot establish a link with the outside world." @bearycool had been communicating with Froggy through the terminal for XXXX years. He was trapped in the holofilm universe, but he provided intel, calculations, and time-dilation support. He ran a diagnostic on the Gigatronic-Laser-Operated-Radio-Yield Heavy-Overband-Lexical-Emitter, the device which allowed him to communicate outside the holo dimension.
The computer displayed the results:
GLORY HOLE status... diagnostic mode...
...
...
...
Quantum-tunnel link: Neg
Point Of ZInvsrsion: Neg
"M y POZ hole just got negged" @bearycool stress sighed. His hands raced across the keyboard, attempting to determine what has gone wrong. After reading more gauges and status boxes and other bullshit, he discovered the problem. "It appears that we are stuck inside the urethra of the b: anned. We cannot link in limbo." Bearycool thought for a minute, and came to a similar conclusion that Froggy would have made: the timeline changed.
He summons the crystals that kept the rangers in stasis. Believed to have all been killed with laser beams, @bearycool teleported them all into the film canister's holographic dimension and placed them in suspended animation, for they were mortal. The crystals floated in a circle around him. He pressed more keys on the computer pillar. The stasis crystals shattered. On the ground were the Kiwi Rangers: @not Swordfighter Super, @Cedric_Eff, @Spl00gies, @PlasticOwls, and @MemeGray. They began to protective writhe inside layer of amniotic jissmoglobin. 4 of the Rangers were moving. @MemeGray, sadly, was unresponsive. @bearycool attempted ass to mouth recessitation to no effect. @MemeGray, sadly, died of faggotry.
Being newly mortal, and having an average penis size, @bearycool turns to @Eggplant, "Well, son, today you get your wish. Today we have an opening, and you are now a Kiwi Ranger!" The holo dimension did not have any towels or a shower basin, so the rangers resorted to eating the jizzmoglobin off of each other. Being a hilarious black comedian, @Cedric_Eff would roll his eyes and say "Blacked!". The Kiwi Rangers would laugh at Cedric's classic zinger and reply with "Buck Broken" in kind.
After the jovial reunion, the rangers accepted ghost cock's apology. "Super Sorry" he said. @bearycool turned to the rangers to lay out the situation.
"Rangers, we are trapped in a peehole withing a voidhole. It is time for us to exit the holofilm. The timeline has changed, I do not know what is out there. I alone do not have enough power to trigger the void exit. That is why I am giving you all the ability of time travel. To do this I give you some of the Chrono difficile that exist in my urethra.
The Kiwi Rangers gasped. They knew what this would mean. The only way to transfer C. Diff was from the urethral to anal route. What would this mean for @bearycool. He would have to break the vow he made years ago at Mount Wuhan: A vow to never achieve penile stimulation, only anal. Was this sacrifice too great.
"Y-you can't!" @Spl00gies stammered, "You know what this means if you-"
"I do," @bearycool said, adjusting glasses that we all just now know he wears for some reason. "To give you all C. Diff...
...
...
I will have to be the top."
In the holofilm universe, @bearycool finished unloading 5 or 6 gallons of pee into Ghost Cock's mouth. Being a religious conservative and a powerbottom, he made sure to stay flaccid the whole time so not to tarnish himself withe disgusting sin of penile stimulation. Special compounds in @bearycool's urine, including Amyl Nitrates and 5 different bee pollens, and enzymes, performed complex chemical processes. Ghost Cock could feel his DNA altering. His immortality waned, his cock became corporeal. He was no longer the villain known as Ghost Cock, now he was just @Eggplant, who was a goodboy who dindu nuffin wrong.
"Thank you for peeing to my mouth, father. I now pledge myself to the side of good."
@bearycool, being the designer of the holofilm universe, raised his right hand. A green, @bearycool-height pillar formed from the ground. A screen and keyboard manifested. @bearycool typed on the keyboard and looked at various gauges and some other stupid shit on the screen. "Something is not right," @bearycool said, "I cannot establish a link with the outside world." @bearycool had been communicating with Froggy through the terminal for XXXX years. He was trapped in the holofilm universe, but he provided intel, calculations, and time-dilation support. He ran a diagnostic on the Gigatronic-Laser-Operated-Radio-Yield Heavy-Overband-Lexical-Emitter, the device which allowed him to communicate outside the holo dimension.
The computer displayed the results:
GLORY HOLE status... diagnostic mode...
...
...
...
Quantum-tunnel link: Neg
Point Of ZInvsrsion: Neg
"M y POZ hole just got negged" @bearycool stress sighed. His hands raced across the keyboard, attempting to determine what has gone wrong. After reading more gauges and status boxes and other bullshit, he discovered the problem. "It appears that we are stuck inside the urethra of the b: anned. We cannot link in limbo." Bearycool thought for a minute, and came to a similar conclusion that Froggy would have made: the timeline changed.
He summons the crystals that kept the rangers in stasis. Believed to have all been killed with laser beams, @bearycool teleported them all into the film canister's holographic dimension and placed them in suspended animation, for they were mortal. The crystals floated in a circle around him. He pressed more keys on the computer pillar. The stasis crystals shattered. On the ground were the Kiwi Rangers: @not Swordfighter Super, @Cedric_Eff, @Spl00gies, @PlasticOwls, and @MemeGray. They began to protective writhe inside layer of amniotic jissmoglobin. 4 of the Rangers were moving. @MemeGray, sadly, was unresponsive. @bearycool attempted ass to mouth recessitation to no effect. @MemeGray, sadly, died of faggotry.
Being newly mortal, and having an average penis size, @bearycool turns to @Eggplant, "Well, son, today you get your wish. Today we have an opening, and you are now a Kiwi Ranger!" The holo dimension did not have any towels or a shower basin, so the rangers resorted to eating the jizzmoglobin off of each other. Being a hilarious black comedian, @Cedric_Eff would roll his eyes and say "Blacked!". The Kiwi Rangers would laugh at Cedric's classic zinger and reply with "Buck Broken" in kind.
After the jovial reunion, the rangers accepted ghost cock's apology. "Super Sorry" he said. @bearycool turned to the rangers to lay out the situation.
"Rangers, we are trapped in a peehole withing a voidhole. It is time for us to exit the holofilm. The timeline has changed, I do not know what is out there. I alone do not have enough power to trigger the void exit. That is why I am giving you all the ability of time travel. To do this I give you some of the Chrono difficile that exist in my urethra.
The Kiwi Rangers gasped. They knew what this would mean. The only way to transfer C. Diff was from the urethral to anal route. What would this mean for @bearycool. He would have to break the vow he made years ago at Mount Wuhan: A vow to never achieve penile stimulation, only anal. Was this sacrifice too great.
"Y-you can't!" @Spl00gies stammered, "You know what this means if you-"
"I do," @bearycool said, adjusting glasses that we all just now know he wears for some reason. "To give you all C. Diff...
...
...
I will have to be the top."
T_Holygrail_Jesuschrist 2
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2020
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2020
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 51: Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (Original title do not steal)
In the lowest level of Kiwi Deep Anus, Byuu floated downward and approached Froggy. "Yes, I know who you are. you were once Froggyboi, the robot built by Christine Weston Chandler before the failed dimensional merge engulfed all but her daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler. I have been waiting in the bowels of Kiwi Deep Anus, watching. I know you once became the Count of a Dubai after the Jew King knighted you. I know you disguised yourself as a Wuhan lab worker and released COVID. And I know your mission."
Froggy, aka @Count K. Rumulon after being knighted and declared the count of Dubai by the Jew King, entered a defensive pose. "And I know of you, Byuu. I know you carry the BLOODLINE OF YAWNING SNEASEL. I will destroy you if necessary."
The fur faggot sauntered towards Froggy. "I was byuu... once. That was XXX9 years ago. I am not here to fight you."
Something about the furfag in front of Froggy hindered his processing capability. Some strange miasma, an electromagnetic field, perhaps. He turned on his enhanced MMX instruction set to compensate. Still, his processing power was boosted to 40% at most. Servos and gyros and various bullshit attempted to move. Froggy was stuck, standing in one spot, keeping his faggy looking defense pose, only able to twitch slightly.
"I am aware of the effect my presence has on you. It is the curse of being a cycle accurate emulator author. But it is not my only curse. It is not my sin. You see, the reason the dimensional merge failed XXXX years ago, the reason the timeline is undoing itself, is because of me. Because I lied about killing myself. I cheated my own destiny, and as a result, time itself crashed."
Froggy processed the information at hand. Being a robot created only to protect, he could not understand such human emotions as guilt. To him, everything was an equation, a number to be balanced and processed. Perhaps not everything could be solved. Perhaps, sometimes you had to divide by zero.
"I've been waiting, bound to this place, for the time to make things right. Your friends, your Kiwi Rangers, wait, trapped in a peehole in a void hole. I, too, have been calculating time deviations. I know the precise moment in which they will attempt to return to this reality. When they do, I will use the last of the reactor's power to activate the Chrono Nigger. But for that, I will need the radioactive bees stored in your robotic cock. I will need you to...
...
fuck me in the ass."
Froggy's cpu power dropped to 20%. "DOES NOT COMPUTE" froggy replied in a motonous tone,"I WAS NOT PROGRAMMED FOR SUCH ACTS" Froggy's main program, Temple OS, threw up diagnostic flags. "Error, circuits rewiring, undefined action/response set in spooler." With all of his cybernetic power and ability to do math to the level of a chinese third grader, he could not complete the equations. Was this something more?
"ERROR: SENSORY MODULE OVERLOAD.... I... AM... FEELING... EMOTIONS. DID YOU DO THIS?" He broke free of his faggy pose and regained control of his various servos and gears and motors and other bullshit.
Byuu sauntered closer to Froggy and places his hands around Froggy's cold, metallic waste. "I did not, but I have seen many timelines. In all of them but this one, you and I were lovers. And maybe even in this one."
@Count K. Rumulon quivered as Byuu ran his hand down his robotic thigh. This emotion he was feeling, it was complex. It was love, sadness, grief over a timeline that never happened. His robotic steel penis hardened. He embraced the furfag known as Byuu, kissing him softly. Byuu dropped to all fours on the ground.
"I'm sorry we never had a chance to be together, but at least we can do this. Give me some of your radioactive bees."
@Count K. Rumulon fucked Byuu hard, ejaculating radioactive bees into his anus. Something came over @Count K. Rumulon. Suddenly, he didn't want the equation to complete.
"Now", Byuu said, "I will fire up the last of the nuclear power of this computer I am bound to. When the merge is corrected. You must go back to where it all started and work with my ancescor, YAWNING SNEASEL, to recruit the original New Kiwi Rangers: The Next Generation and I will die for real this time."
"I-I do not want you to die." @Count K. Rumulon said, "We can figure out another way."
Byuu shook his head, "I'm sorry my love, there is no other way, but at least I will die knowing that, even in this torn timeline, I get to be a furfag that gets fucked by a robot"
Byuu marshalled his copy of Red Had Linux 5.0 to maximize power. Safety interlocks disengaged. A holographic countdown appeared above both him and Froggy. 7:00, 6:59, 6:58 An emergency broadcast channel filled the chamber with a critical overload message. The exact time to activate the Chrono Nigger, when the kiwi rangers in the holographic universe in the peehole in a void hole attempt to activate their own time-space bullshit, was known to Byuu because, being the author of a cycle accurate super nes emulator, he knew a thing or two about time.
Sparks and lightning and other retarded pyrotechnic effects shot from the IBM desktop computer running Kiwi Deep Anus. The timer counted down. 0:59, 0:58
---
Inside the holographic universe in a peehole in a void hole, @bearycool finished topping every kiwi ranger. They formed a circle and concentrated their new C Diff powers. @Spl00gies, in particular, strained so hard in channeling the power, that some of the C. Diff traveled back through time to when the Kiwi Rangers were in Occupied Palestinian Territory.
---
Inside Kiwi Deep Anus, the timer counted down and more retarded sparks and shit came from the computer. 0:25, 0:24... 0:09
"Goodbye, my love," @Count K. Rumulon said, with salty robotic tears in his eyes. As the timer reached 5 seconds, he embraced Byuu. Byuu glowed brighter than any CIA agent ever could. The timer reached 0:02, 0:01, 0:00
Byuu disappeared.
---
Inside the holographic universe, the kiwi rangers were neck deep in diarrhea. "How the fuck is @Spl00gies able to shit so much that an infinite pocket universe is now up to your neck in shit?" Cedric screamed.
"Work through it, Rangers", @bearycool said, "We are almost through!"
The holographic universe collapsed around them. They all collapsed into their own assholes. Then they uncollapsed out of their own assholes. They were in Kiwi Deep Anus. A dilapidated, dark, unpowered, kiwi deep anus, in the future, in the year 1995. @Count K. Rumulon was on the floor, crying over the loss of a furfag that he knew for 7 minutes that he had sex with before it died.
In the lowest level of Kiwi Deep Anus, Byuu floated downward and approached Froggy. "Yes, I know who you are. you were once Froggyboi, the robot built by Christine Weston Chandler before the failed dimensional merge engulfed all but her daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler. I have been waiting in the bowels of Kiwi Deep Anus, watching. I know you once became the Count of a Dubai after the Jew King knighted you. I know you disguised yourself as a Wuhan lab worker and released COVID. And I know your mission."
Froggy, aka @Count K. Rumulon after being knighted and declared the count of Dubai by the Jew King, entered a defensive pose. "And I know of you, Byuu. I know you carry the BLOODLINE OF YAWNING SNEASEL. I will destroy you if necessary."
The fur faggot sauntered towards Froggy. "I was byuu... once. That was XXX9 years ago. I am not here to fight you."
Something about the furfag in front of Froggy hindered his processing capability. Some strange miasma, an electromagnetic field, perhaps. He turned on his enhanced MMX instruction set to compensate. Still, his processing power was boosted to 40% at most. Servos and gyros and various bullshit attempted to move. Froggy was stuck, standing in one spot, keeping his faggy looking defense pose, only able to twitch slightly.
"I am aware of the effect my presence has on you. It is the curse of being a cycle accurate emulator author. But it is not my only curse. It is not my sin. You see, the reason the dimensional merge failed XXXX years ago, the reason the timeline is undoing itself, is because of me. Because I lied about killing myself. I cheated my own destiny, and as a result, time itself crashed."
Froggy processed the information at hand. Being a robot created only to protect, he could not understand such human emotions as guilt. To him, everything was an equation, a number to be balanced and processed. Perhaps not everything could be solved. Perhaps, sometimes you had to divide by zero.
"I've been waiting, bound to this place, for the time to make things right. Your friends, your Kiwi Rangers, wait, trapped in a peehole in a void hole. I, too, have been calculating time deviations. I know the precise moment in which they will attempt to return to this reality. When they do, I will use the last of the reactor's power to activate the Chrono Nigger. But for that, I will need the radioactive bees stored in your robotic cock. I will need you to...
...
fuck me in the ass."
Froggy's cpu power dropped to 20%. "DOES NOT COMPUTE" froggy replied in a motonous tone,"I WAS NOT PROGRAMMED FOR SUCH ACTS" Froggy's main program, Temple OS, threw up diagnostic flags. "Error, circuits rewiring, undefined action/response set in spooler." With all of his cybernetic power and ability to do math to the level of a chinese third grader, he could not complete the equations. Was this something more?
"ERROR: SENSORY MODULE OVERLOAD.... I... AM... FEELING... EMOTIONS. DID YOU DO THIS?" He broke free of his faggy pose and regained control of his various servos and gears and motors and other bullshit.
Byuu sauntered closer to Froggy and places his hands around Froggy's cold, metallic waste. "I did not, but I have seen many timelines. In all of them but this one, you and I were lovers. And maybe even in this one."
@Count K. Rumulon quivered as Byuu ran his hand down his robotic thigh. This emotion he was feeling, it was complex. It was love, sadness, grief over a timeline that never happened. His robotic steel penis hardened. He embraced the furfag known as Byuu, kissing him softly. Byuu dropped to all fours on the ground.
"I'm sorry we never had a chance to be together, but at least we can do this. Give me some of your radioactive bees."
@Count K. Rumulon fucked Byuu hard, ejaculating radioactive bees into his anus. Something came over @Count K. Rumulon. Suddenly, he didn't want the equation to complete.
"Now", Byuu said, "I will fire up the last of the nuclear power of this computer I am bound to. When the merge is corrected. You must go back to where it all started and work with my ancescor, YAWNING SNEASEL, to recruit the original New Kiwi Rangers: The Next Generation and I will die for real this time."
"I-I do not want you to die." @Count K. Rumulon said, "We can figure out another way."
Byuu shook his head, "I'm sorry my love, there is no other way, but at least I will die knowing that, even in this torn timeline, I get to be a furfag that gets fucked by a robot"
Byuu marshalled his copy of Red Had Linux 5.0 to maximize power. Safety interlocks disengaged. A holographic countdown appeared above both him and Froggy. 7:00, 6:59, 6:58 An emergency broadcast channel filled the chamber with a critical overload message. The exact time to activate the Chrono Nigger, when the kiwi rangers in the holographic universe in the peehole in a void hole attempt to activate their own time-space bullshit, was known to Byuu because, being the author of a cycle accurate super nes emulator, he knew a thing or two about time.
Sparks and lightning and other retarded pyrotechnic effects shot from the IBM desktop computer running Kiwi Deep Anus. The timer counted down. 0:59, 0:58
---
Inside the holographic universe in a peehole in a void hole, @bearycool finished topping every kiwi ranger. They formed a circle and concentrated their new C Diff powers. @Spl00gies, in particular, strained so hard in channeling the power, that some of the C. Diff traveled back through time to when the Kiwi Rangers were in Occupied Palestinian Territory.
---
Inside Kiwi Deep Anus, the timer counted down and more retarded sparks and shit came from the computer. 0:25, 0:24... 0:09
"Goodbye, my love," @Count K. Rumulon said, with salty robotic tears in his eyes. As the timer reached 5 seconds, he embraced Byuu. Byuu glowed brighter than any CIA agent ever could. The timer reached 0:02, 0:01, 0:00
Byuu disappeared.
---
Inside the holographic universe, the kiwi rangers were neck deep in diarrhea. "How the fuck is @Spl00gies able to shit so much that an infinite pocket universe is now up to your neck in shit?" Cedric screamed.
"Work through it, Rangers", @bearycool said, "We are almost through!"
The holographic universe collapsed around them. They all collapsed into their own assholes. Then they uncollapsed out of their own assholes. They were in Kiwi Deep Anus. A dilapidated, dark, unpowered, kiwi deep anus, in the future, in the year 1995. @Count K. Rumulon was on the floor, crying over the loss of a furfag that he knew for 7 minutes that he had sex with before it died.
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2015
"The part where @bearycool has to piss in the mouth of his son/lover in order to escape from a recursive space time null pointer"
<3
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 52: Chapter 52
@Count K. Rumulon, after several minutes of crying like a little bitch over the loss of a furfag that he knew for 7 minutes and then had sex with and then filled its anus with radioactive bees, regained his composure. "Now that I can feel emotions I more firmly understand my mission and the value of human life and all that other bullshit. I must travel back in time to recruit all of you in the past and then shove the holographic film canister up Ghost Cock's anus when he is not looking so that he farts it out later, and then get bit by a radioactive leprechaun and then die. In the past. But, alas, I am out of radioactive bees"
@bearycool responds, "Don't worry, I have C. Diff. They're genetically modified radioactive bees meant to be smaller so you can concentrate more of them in your body and time travel without needing to refill as often. You just have to time hop with your anus instead of your cock" @bearycool then tops @Count K. Rumulon and fills his anus with C. Diff.
The Kiwi Rangers all Salute @Count K. Rumulon, who abruptly disappears after a bright sphere briefly engulfs him. The Kiwi Rangers then strategize their next moves. Not much came to mind. Here they were, in lowest level of Kiwi Deep Anus, without power, as the reactor unit spent its last power recovering them from the holofilm. Traveling back in time, while possible now that all of the Kiwi Rangers were infected with C. Diff, was off the table, as the already fragile timeline faced further fragmentation.
A monster truck festival full of dead spectators was above them. Perhaps that would be a good place to find some ideas. The Kiwi Rangers made their way up a bunch of ladders and platforms and elevator shafts and other bullshit until they reached a manhole that led to the monster truck arena, full of dead people.
@Eggplant and @bearycool decided to take advantage of the rigor mortis and bottom a bunch of dead people. @Cedric_Eff, @not Sword Figher Super, @Sploogies, and @PlasticOwls searched the pockets of the dead, looking for loose change and weed. Partway through searching, Cedric signals the Kiwis to inspect a dead body in the monster truck arena. The Rangers assemble to the location of the dead body, far up in the bleachers of the monster truck arena.
Cedric unclips a lanyard from one of the dead bodies and reads an ID card. "Israeli Space Force, special austronaut division."
"Space Israelis!" @Spl00gies says, getting a sudden inspirational moment, "We've met with both the space Israelis and space palestinians. Maybe we could pay a visit and see if they can help!"
"That's a fucking stupid idea", Cedric Said.
"Space Israelis," @NOT Sword Fighter Super says, getting a sudden ispirational moment, "We've met with both the space Israelis and space palestinians. Maybe we could pay a visit and see if they can help!"
"That's a fucking great idea!" Cedric said. All of the Kiwi Rangers then agreed in unison that @NOT Sword Fighter Super's idea was great.
The Kiwi Ranger exited the Monster Truck Arena. Around them was a sprawling futuristic city. Back in the year of XXXX, there was just Kiwi Deep Anus hidden underneath a bunch of cornfields. In the future, 1995, a decaying urban core with a corona of new developments, with a monster truck arena at the very center, hid any knowledge of the existence of Kiwi Deep Anus. In the past, everyone knew of the Kiwi Rangers. In this future, they would just be faggots in diapers. They would need to lay low and not make a scene until they found access to space.
In the future, it appeared that diapers were not fashionable anymore, and everyone just walked around naked. This would be a problem, as the diapers were the source of the Kiwi Ranger's powers. They walked aimlessly through the city, completely lost. Some of the naked passerbys pointed and started mocking them.
"Look at those faggots in diapers. LMAO!" Everyone started laughing and the Kiwi Rangers felt embarrassed. The Kiwi Rangers all began to cry like little bitches over being bullied and briefly contemplated suicide to end the mild embarassment."
A man with a cowboy hat approaches them from behind. "Good god you faggots best get inside before you make more of a fool of yourself." The man points to his general store. The kiwi rangers all enter the general store and resume crying like little bitches for a few more minutes before calming down.
"General store" was not a good descriptor, as this small shop, devoid of customers, was full of books. Each one featured some sort of title like "Step Cousing Gangbang" and "Totally not Biological Sibling Adventures: Suck Fest Part 5"
The man in the Cowboy hat offers them all some bacon. "You folks don't look like you're from 'round here," he says, "By the way, the name's @wry wrangler."
@Count K. Rumulon, after several minutes of crying like a little bitch over the loss of a furfag that he knew for 7 minutes and then had sex with and then filled its anus with radioactive bees, regained his composure. "Now that I can feel emotions I more firmly understand my mission and the value of human life and all that other bullshit. I must travel back in time to recruit all of you in the past and then shove the holographic film canister up Ghost Cock's anus when he is not looking so that he farts it out later, and then get bit by a radioactive leprechaun and then die. In the past. But, alas, I am out of radioactive bees"
@bearycool responds, "Don't worry, I have C. Diff. They're genetically modified radioactive bees meant to be smaller so you can concentrate more of them in your body and time travel without needing to refill as often. You just have to time hop with your anus instead of your cock" @bearycool then tops @Count K. Rumulon and fills his anus with C. Diff.
The Kiwi Rangers all Salute @Count K. Rumulon, who abruptly disappears after a bright sphere briefly engulfs him. The Kiwi Rangers then strategize their next moves. Not much came to mind. Here they were, in lowest level of Kiwi Deep Anus, without power, as the reactor unit spent its last power recovering them from the holofilm. Traveling back in time, while possible now that all of the Kiwi Rangers were infected with C. Diff, was off the table, as the already fragile timeline faced further fragmentation.
A monster truck festival full of dead spectators was above them. Perhaps that would be a good place to find some ideas. The Kiwi Rangers made their way up a bunch of ladders and platforms and elevator shafts and other bullshit until they reached a manhole that led to the monster truck arena, full of dead people.
@Eggplant and @bearycool decided to take advantage of the rigor mortis and bottom a bunch of dead people. @Cedric_Eff, @not Sword Figher Super, @Sploogies, and @PlasticOwls searched the pockets of the dead, looking for loose change and weed. Partway through searching, Cedric signals the Kiwis to inspect a dead body in the monster truck arena. The Rangers assemble to the location of the dead body, far up in the bleachers of the monster truck arena.
Cedric unclips a lanyard from one of the dead bodies and reads an ID card. "Israeli Space Force, special austronaut division."
"Space Israelis!" @Spl00gies says, getting a sudden inspirational moment, "We've met with both the space Israelis and space palestinians. Maybe we could pay a visit and see if they can help!"
"That's a fucking stupid idea", Cedric Said.
"Space Israelis," @NOT Sword Fighter Super says, getting a sudden ispirational moment, "We've met with both the space Israelis and space palestinians. Maybe we could pay a visit and see if they can help!"
"That's a fucking great idea!" Cedric said. All of the Kiwi Rangers then agreed in unison that @NOT Sword Fighter Super's idea was great.
The Kiwi Ranger exited the Monster Truck Arena. Around them was a sprawling futuristic city. Back in the year of XXXX, there was just Kiwi Deep Anus hidden underneath a bunch of cornfields. In the future, 1995, a decaying urban core with a corona of new developments, with a monster truck arena at the very center, hid any knowledge of the existence of Kiwi Deep Anus. In the past, everyone knew of the Kiwi Rangers. In this future, they would just be faggots in diapers. They would need to lay low and not make a scene until they found access to space.
In the future, it appeared that diapers were not fashionable anymore, and everyone just walked around naked. This would be a problem, as the diapers were the source of the Kiwi Ranger's powers. They walked aimlessly through the city, completely lost. Some of the naked passerbys pointed and started mocking them.
"Look at those faggots in diapers. LMAO!" Everyone started laughing and the Kiwi Rangers felt embarrassed. The Kiwi Rangers all began to cry like little bitches over being bullied and briefly contemplated suicide to end the mild embarassment."
A man with a cowboy hat approaches them from behind. "Good god you faggots best get inside before you make more of a fool of yourself." The man points to his general store. The kiwi rangers all enter the general store and resume crying like little bitches for a few more minutes before calming down.
"General store" was not a good descriptor, as this small shop, devoid of customers, was full of books. Each one featured some sort of title like "Step Cousing Gangbang" and "Totally not Biological Sibling Adventures: Suck Fest Part 5"
The man in the Cowboy hat offers them all some bacon. "You folks don't look like you're from 'round here," he says, "By the way, the name's @wry wrangler."
Game master arino
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2021
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 53: The Smoke
After buy a bunch of books on incest from @wry wrangler. The Kiwi Rangers began to plan a trip to the Baikonur Cosmodrome. Along the way, they discussed all of new things the future held. Russia conquered all of the world except for China. The love child of Vladimir Putin Jr. The XXth/Eric Trump Jr. The XXth, has ruled the world in a long dynasty with XXXX years of peace and prosperity. The Baikonur Cosmodrome still had the same retarded looking Soyuz capsule they had been using since the XX60's. But the Kiwi Rangers were broke, and @bearycool had spent the last of the cash in the reserves of a now festering Kiwi Deep Anus facility on crack-cocaine. This led to the Kiwi Rangers having to eat a few of their own team members to survive. The members of the team who were the least of a faggot were chosen to be eaten.
As a result, only @Spl00gies and @NOT Sword Fighter Super, and @bearycool were the only ones to remain. Still needing cash, they took the roasted skeletons of the other Kiwi Members they ate to a market in Lagos, Nigeria, where the locals still practiced stupid tribal bullshit with people's bones. They lied and said the bones were from albinos, increasing their value. As they left the market, a crowd of locals began to run pas them. A large shadow loomed and grew in size.
"The rage pig is back!" one local shouted. Everyone else in the market sought cover as the ground quaked. A giant greased up boar stormed through the market place. It kicked over stalls, impaling locals hiding underneath them.
"Fuck that boar's gotta be like 5 foot, one inch tall." Swordfighter said in a panic.
The rage pig stopped kicking over stalls, and turned towards the Kiwi Rangers. Smoke spewed out of its flaring nostrils. It scratched the ground with it's front hoof, and charged, visibly enraged at the comment. "Way to go, faggot!" @Spl00gies said to @NOT Sword Fighter Super. The Kiwi rangers knew they had to act fast. @Spl00gies transformed into a hedgehog, shitting her pants in the process, as is customary for transforming into a hedgehog. Swordfigher took a fighting stance and pulled out his switchblade comb. He brushed his moustache, then juked to the left to avoid the charge of the rage pig.
The rage pig turns to the right, making a beeline for @bearycool, impaling him, but only in his anus. As a result, @bearycool shot a load all over the ground and slipped on his own jizz. Whe he fell over, the rage pig fell onto its side as well. After struggling to get its boar tusk loose, which involved repeated back and forth head motions, @bearycool came 5 more times, but the boar could not get its tusk loose. "Nothing can escape the grip of my mighty sphincer!" he exclaimed. The rage pig struggled more. @bearycool's grip was so tough that he snapped the top half of the rage pig's right tusk off.
Breaking free, the rage pig stomped around for a moment. It turned back toward's @bearycool to make another charge attempt. Mid charge, @bearycool thought fast and sharted the boar tusk, lodged in his anus, at the rage pig. It hits the rage pig in the face, fracturing its right orbital socket. This only further enrages the boar, which accelerates its charge. Right as the boar is about to impale @bearycool's anus for a second time, a cloudy miasma of cancerAIDS wafts into the rage pig's path. It inhales THE SMOKE and stops. After coughing twice, it turns, and runs off, visibly shaken.
With the threat over, the merchants all emerge from hiding and set up their market stalls. A sickly man, wheeling an oxygen tank behind him approaches the 3 Kiwi Rangers. "You have angered the rage pig by commenting on its height. It will return," the sickly stranger said. He adjusted a pair of headphones on his sickly ears and said "Follow me if you want to stop the rage pig."
"Fuck that," @bearycool says, "We're going into outer space, who gives a shit about the plight of the third world."
"You don't understand," the seriously ill and decrepit strainger said, "you can't escape the rage pig once you have spoke the curse. It's like solving the puzzle box, except more retarded. No matter where you go, the rage pig will find you. Also you now have cancerAIDS from being too close to my attack. The cure is back in my house."
Not wanting to have cancerAIDS, the 3 remaining Kiwi Rangers followed the man back to his house. The wheels on the man's oxygen tank carrier squeaked the whole time. It was actually kind of stupid for them to walk because the man's house was back in the USSA.
After buy a bunch of books on incest from @wry wrangler. The Kiwi Rangers began to plan a trip to the Baikonur Cosmodrome. Along the way, they discussed all of new things the future held. Russia conquered all of the world except for China. The love child of Vladimir Putin Jr. The XXth/Eric Trump Jr. The XXth, has ruled the world in a long dynasty with XXXX years of peace and prosperity. The Baikonur Cosmodrome still had the same retarded looking Soyuz capsule they had been using since the XX60's. But the Kiwi Rangers were broke, and @bearycool had spent the last of the cash in the reserves of a now festering Kiwi Deep Anus facility on crack-cocaine. This led to the Kiwi Rangers having to eat a few of their own team members to survive. The members of the team who were the least of a faggot were chosen to be eaten.
As a result, only @Spl00gies and @NOT Sword Fighter Super, and @bearycool were the only ones to remain. Still needing cash, they took the roasted skeletons of the other Kiwi Members they ate to a market in Lagos, Nigeria, where the locals still practiced stupid tribal bullshit with people's bones. They lied and said the bones were from albinos, increasing their value. As they left the market, a crowd of locals began to run pas them. A large shadow loomed and grew in size.
"The rage pig is back!" one local shouted. Everyone else in the market sought cover as the ground quaked. A giant greased up boar stormed through the market place. It kicked over stalls, impaling locals hiding underneath them.
"Fuck that boar's gotta be like 5 foot, one inch tall." Swordfighter said in a panic.
The rage pig stopped kicking over stalls, and turned towards the Kiwi Rangers. Smoke spewed out of its flaring nostrils. It scratched the ground with it's front hoof, and charged, visibly enraged at the comment. "Way to go, faggot!" @Spl00gies said to @NOT Sword Fighter Super. The Kiwi rangers knew they had to act fast. @Spl00gies transformed into a hedgehog, shitting her pants in the process, as is customary for transforming into a hedgehog. Swordfigher took a fighting stance and pulled out his switchblade comb. He brushed his moustache, then juked to the left to avoid the charge of the rage pig.
The rage pig turns to the right, making a beeline for @bearycool, impaling him, but only in his anus. As a result, @bearycool shot a load all over the ground and slipped on his own jizz. Whe he fell over, the rage pig fell onto its side as well. After struggling to get its boar tusk loose, which involved repeated back and forth head motions, @bearycool came 5 more times, but the boar could not get its tusk loose. "Nothing can escape the grip of my mighty sphincer!" he exclaimed. The rage pig struggled more. @bearycool's grip was so tough that he snapped the top half of the rage pig's right tusk off.
Breaking free, the rage pig stomped around for a moment. It turned back toward's @bearycool to make another charge attempt. Mid charge, @bearycool thought fast and sharted the boar tusk, lodged in his anus, at the rage pig. It hits the rage pig in the face, fracturing its right orbital socket. This only further enrages the boar, which accelerates its charge. Right as the boar is about to impale @bearycool's anus for a second time, a cloudy miasma of cancerAIDS wafts into the rage pig's path. It inhales THE SMOKE and stops. After coughing twice, it turns, and runs off, visibly shaken.
With the threat over, the merchants all emerge from hiding and set up their market stalls. A sickly man, wheeling an oxygen tank behind him approaches the 3 Kiwi Rangers. "You have angered the rage pig by commenting on its height. It will return," the sickly stranger said. He adjusted a pair of headphones on his sickly ears and said "Follow me if you want to stop the rage pig."
"Fuck that," @bearycool says, "We're going into outer space, who gives a shit about the plight of the third world."
"You don't understand," the seriously ill and decrepit strainger said, "you can't escape the rage pig once you have spoke the curse. It's like solving the puzzle box, except more retarded. No matter where you go, the rage pig will find you. Also you now have cancerAIDS from being too close to my attack. The cure is back in my house."
Not wanting to have cancerAIDS, the 3 remaining Kiwi Rangers followed the man back to his house. The wheels on the man's oxygen tank carrier squeaked the whole time. It was actually kind of stupid for them to walk because the man's house was back in the USSA.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 54 Mr Chud
"The name's Jim" the man said, "Jim Chud. Coffee?"
The sickly man went into the kitchen to try. to make coffee, but he was too sick and slow to make any progress. The Kiwi Rangers all sat on Mr Chud's couch for about 2 hours. Eventually, the man came back into the living rooms with a tray full of mugs mugs. Inside was a steamy brown liquid that smelled remotely like Starbucks, which probably meant that it was actually bloody piss.
"Sorry for the weak coffee" Mr Chud said, "I normally add more bloody piss to my coffeenb ut it took me about 2 hours to produce this much, on account of having stage 7 CancerAIDS." As he tried to hand the kiwi rangers each a cup of piss, his shaky, skinny arms dribbled. Mugs of piss crashed onto the floor. Piss spilled everywhere. A small amount of piss splashed onto @Sploogies, who was carrying one of @wry wrangler's incest novels. The novel was now ruined.
"OK" the man said, "so my bloody piss is actually the cure for CancerAIDS and now you're all gonna have to lick it out of the carpet if you don't want to die."
The Kiwi Rangers briefly mulled over the irony of a man dying of cancer aids being the only cure for his own ailment, before dropping to the floor to suck as much piss blood as they could. It tasted like bloody piss. Now that they were cured, the man wheeled his oxygen tank over to a bookshelf. He pulled on a book, and the bookshelf opened like a secret door.
"Follow me" Mr. Chud said. The Kiwi Rangers followed the creepy looking, like they had done with so many other creepy men in the past.
Before entering the secret book shelf door, @Cedrick Eff began violently convulsing on the floor and died, for while he was cured of the Cancer AIDS, he was allergic to blood. It will take the Kiwi Rangers hours to recruit a new member, but they had more important things to do right now: follow a dying man's trail of bloody piss into a secret room. When they entered his room, they found a small makeshift medical facility.
"Years ago" Mr Chud began, "I found an album at the thrift store, "Chris Chan and the Hedgehog Boys. I didn't know it at the time, but I played the album backwards, and on it was coded a secret message, with the secret to immortality." Mr Chud placed the compact disc into a CD player, and a backwards version of "Trollster's Paradise" played. Even played backwards, it was one of the greatest songs they have ever heard.
In the middle of the song playing backwards, they could hear disctinctly, "Ahem... hello, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, and dudes of all teenages, as well as the, uh, gals. My name is Christian Chandler; I am here, and y'all are there. [chuckles] This message is for everyone of the present and the future, beyond this date: February 24th, 2007th. My birthday. My 25th birthday. I am high-functioning autistic, and in my 25 years, I have seen and learned so much. And today, I am share--intend to share some wise words that I hope each and every one of you will take to heart and will offer yourself and everyone else a better, brighter future: THE SECRET TO IMMORTALITY"
The rest of the speech was boring drivel that contained the secret to immortality.
Mr. Chud pointed to a OBGYN chair. "This was where I attempted to gain immortality using the steps on the album. It made me pregnant and gve me Cancer AIDS, and I gave birth to the reincarnation of Christian Weston Chandler, in pig form"
Mr. Chud played a video of himself birthing a boar from his bussy, followed by two or three hours of home videos of the boar being raised as his own son. "I called him Ralph. Things were going great, until I made a mistake: I called him 5 foot 1. Now he terrorizes third world nations.". He pulled a small note from his pants pocket. On the note it said: Harry, 555-8008
"I need you to call Harry, he can tell you how to stop the Ra-"
Mr. Chud explodes. Organs and blood cover every wall of the room. Having been covered in a bukake of Mr. Chud's blood, they were double cured of cancer aids, and could never get the disease again. @bearycool spent a few minutes inspecting the room. Though covered in the remains of an exploded dead guy, and all of the equipment was made out of old soup cans, this place looked like it would be suitable for a new, second base of operations, especially since Kiwi Deep Anus was old and covered by a monster truck arena, making it difficult to enter and leave.
The new secondary base would be called "Kiwi Chud Bud," and the Kiwi Rangers all smoked weed to avoid the task of cleaning up Mr. Chud's exploded remains.
Will the Rangers call Harry? Will they recruit a new member?
"The name's Jim" the man said, "Jim Chud. Coffee?"
The sickly man went into the kitchen to try. to make coffee, but he was too sick and slow to make any progress. The Kiwi Rangers all sat on Mr Chud's couch for about 2 hours. Eventually, the man came back into the living rooms with a tray full of mugs mugs. Inside was a steamy brown liquid that smelled remotely like Starbucks, which probably meant that it was actually bloody piss.
"Sorry for the weak coffee" Mr Chud said, "I normally add more bloody piss to my coffeenb ut it took me about 2 hours to produce this much, on account of having stage 7 CancerAIDS." As he tried to hand the kiwi rangers each a cup of piss, his shaky, skinny arms dribbled. Mugs of piss crashed onto the floor. Piss spilled everywhere. A small amount of piss splashed onto @Sploogies, who was carrying one of @wry wrangler's incest novels. The novel was now ruined.
"OK" the man said, "so my bloody piss is actually the cure for CancerAIDS and now you're all gonna have to lick it out of the carpet if you don't want to die."
The Kiwi Rangers briefly mulled over the irony of a man dying of cancer aids being the only cure for his own ailment, before dropping to the floor to suck as much piss blood as they could. It tasted like bloody piss. Now that they were cured, the man wheeled his oxygen tank over to a bookshelf. He pulled on a book, and the bookshelf opened like a secret door.
"Follow me" Mr. Chud said. The Kiwi Rangers followed the creepy looking, like they had done with so many other creepy men in the past.
Before entering the secret book shelf door, @Cedrick Eff began violently convulsing on the floor and died, for while he was cured of the Cancer AIDS, he was allergic to blood. It will take the Kiwi Rangers hours to recruit a new member, but they had more important things to do right now: follow a dying man's trail of bloody piss into a secret room. When they entered his room, they found a small makeshift medical facility.
"Years ago" Mr Chud began, "I found an album at the thrift store, "Chris Chan and the Hedgehog Boys. I didn't know it at the time, but I played the album backwards, and on it was coded a secret message, with the secret to immortality." Mr Chud placed the compact disc into a CD player, and a backwards version of "Trollster's Paradise" played. Even played backwards, it was one of the greatest songs they have ever heard.
In the middle of the song playing backwards, they could hear disctinctly, "Ahem... hello, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, and dudes of all teenages, as well as the, uh, gals. My name is Christian Chandler; I am here, and y'all are there. [chuckles] This message is for everyone of the present and the future, beyond this date: February 24th, 2007th. My birthday. My 25th birthday. I am high-functioning autistic, and in my 25 years, I have seen and learned so much. And today, I am share--intend to share some wise words that I hope each and every one of you will take to heart and will offer yourself and everyone else a better, brighter future: THE SECRET TO IMMORTALITY"
The rest of the speech was boring drivel that contained the secret to immortality.
Mr. Chud pointed to a OBGYN chair. "This was where I attempted to gain immortality using the steps on the album. It made me pregnant and gve me Cancer AIDS, and I gave birth to the reincarnation of Christian Weston Chandler, in pig form"
Mr. Chud played a video of himself birthing a boar from his bussy, followed by two or three hours of home videos of the boar being raised as his own son. "I called him Ralph. Things were going great, until I made a mistake: I called him 5 foot 1. Now he terrorizes third world nations.". He pulled a small note from his pants pocket. On the note it said: Harry, 555-8008
"I need you to call Harry, he can tell you how to stop the Ra-"
Mr. Chud explodes. Organs and blood cover every wall of the room. Having been covered in a bukake of Mr. Chud's blood, they were double cured of cancer aids, and could never get the disease again. @bearycool spent a few minutes inspecting the room. Though covered in the remains of an exploded dead guy, and all of the equipment was made out of old soup cans, this place looked like it would be suitable for a new, second base of operations, especially since Kiwi Deep Anus was old and covered by a monster truck arena, making it difficult to enter and leave.
The new secondary base would be called "Kiwi Chud Bud," and the Kiwi Rangers all smoked weed to avoid the task of cleaning up Mr. Chud's exploded remains.
Will the Rangers call Harry? Will they recruit a new member?
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2017
This reminds me of something randomly thrown in at the bottom of an ED article with no context.
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 55: Gallowtron
Swordfighter picks up the phone and dials 555-8008. A scratchy voice picks up on the other line. "Hello? Who is this?"
"Uhh," @NOT Sword Fighter Super says, "Jim sent us. It's about the rage pig."
The phone disconnects. Any attempt to call back results in a busy signal. Then the phone explodes. @bearycool attempts to repair the phone using various tin cans strewn around Kiwi Base Chud Bud, and gives up and starts smoking weed. The rest of the Kiwi Rangers also smoke weed. Halfway through the first blunt, a cup full of Jim's bloody remains starts making those Jurrasic Park style ripples.
The Kiwi Rangers are paranoid because they are all lighweights and the blunt has them all high as fuck. They start freaking out and screaming like little bitches about how they are all going to die. The cup full of Jim's remains ripples more. A pounding noise can be heard. Being paranoid as fuck, the Kiwi Rangers decide that finishing the blunt is the best course of attack.
"A shadow peers through the light from the book case. In walks a retarded looking cat. The cat begins circling around them. High on weed, and paranoid as fuck, @Spl00gies pisses her pants, and also shits them out of fear, which turns her into her hedgehog form, as is the transformation process for becoming a hedgehog. In her hedgehog form, she can understand what the cat is saying.
To every other Kiwi Ranger, the cat is saying "Mow." But it doesn't say it in a way that is like "Mao" as you would expect a retarded cat to speak. It sounds more like "moe" as in "moe the lawn." The cat continues circling, repeating "mow" To @Spl00gies, the cat is saying "The name's @Cats. follow me faggots"
They follow the cat outside of Jim's House. An ornithopter is waiting outside. @bearycool recognizes this ornithopter, or at least some of it. It resembled DickChopper 5, the Secret Kiwi Deep Anus R&D project, though heavily damaged and repaired with a patchwork of welded steel panels and fursuits. After the Kiwi Rangers board the DickChopper 5, a video screen inside the ornithopter's passenger area plays a pre flight warning.
"Warning, we going to space, faggots" it says. Followed by a prayer to Allah.
DickChopper 5 rises into through the Earth's cloud cover. The blue skies slowly turn black as they reach outer space. Also, @Cats is flying the ornithopter, even though he is just a retarded looking cat. The ornithopter spends about 2 or 3 hours floating through space, which gives the Kiwi Rangers enough time to feebase fentanyl, and floats past a large space station. The Kiwi Rangers recognize this space station: Space Palestine.
After a bunch of maneuvering and retrograde thruster action and some other shit, the ornithopter is now in the main hangar of the space station. A morbidly Obsese woman greets them as they leave DickChopper 5.
"I am @SweetDee the XXX9th, Queen of the Space Palestinians, and 57th wife of the Hedgehog King. I will take you to Harry." Throughout the space station hangar is various brown people in suicide vests praying to Allah. They follow Dee through a bunch of various platforms and loop de loops. For you see, the space palestinians could all transform into hedgehogs, having made a pact with the hedgehog king XXX7 years ago, to protect the Chaotistic emeralds. Some of the hedgehogs would jump on springs and then explode their suicide vests.
"We are havin a few issues with the new suicide vest prototypes." Dee Said. Nobody cared.
At the end of the pointless platforming was a guido. The Kiwi Rangers Recognized this Guido.
"CLYDE CASH" they all shouted in Unison. They assumed battle positions.
@NOT Sword Fighter Super cries out.
"You stole from Christine Weston Chandler- the original owner and creator of Sonichu, the electric Hedgehog Pokemon- all of her gal pals. I don't care how many dimensions or timelines. We will avenge Christine Weston Chandler!"
The guido interjects. "Hold on, I am not the original Clyde Cash. I am merely a clone created by Jim Chud, the Hedgehog King (PBUH), but now I am the Hedgehog King. Jim sent you, so I assume this is about the rage pig. There is only one way we can stop him."
The guido pauses for a moment to apply more hair grease.
"To stop the rage pig, we must steal his gal pals."
The guido presses a button on the Hedgehog King's throne. A hole in the floor opens up. A pedestal containing a chaotistic emerald rises from the hole.
"You must use this to power the giant robot, Gallowtron, and steal the Rage Pig's gal pals. But Gallowtron cannot be piloted by only 3. You must find two more pilots."
Swordfighter picks up the phone and dials 555-8008. A scratchy voice picks up on the other line. "Hello? Who is this?"
"Uhh," @NOT Sword Fighter Super says, "Jim sent us. It's about the rage pig."
The phone disconnects. Any attempt to call back results in a busy signal. Then the phone explodes. @bearycool attempts to repair the phone using various tin cans strewn around Kiwi Base Chud Bud, and gives up and starts smoking weed. The rest of the Kiwi Rangers also smoke weed. Halfway through the first blunt, a cup full of Jim's bloody remains starts making those Jurrasic Park style ripples.
The Kiwi Rangers are paranoid because they are all lighweights and the blunt has them all high as fuck. They start freaking out and screaming like little bitches about how they are all going to die. The cup full of Jim's remains ripples more. A pounding noise can be heard. Being paranoid as fuck, the Kiwi Rangers decide that finishing the blunt is the best course of attack.
"A shadow peers through the light from the book case. In walks a retarded looking cat. The cat begins circling around them. High on weed, and paranoid as fuck, @Spl00gies pisses her pants, and also shits them out of fear, which turns her into her hedgehog form, as is the transformation process for becoming a hedgehog. In her hedgehog form, she can understand what the cat is saying.
To every other Kiwi Ranger, the cat is saying "Mow." But it doesn't say it in a way that is like "Mao" as you would expect a retarded cat to speak. It sounds more like "moe" as in "moe the lawn." The cat continues circling, repeating "mow" To @Spl00gies, the cat is saying "The name's @Cats. follow me faggots"
They follow the cat outside of Jim's House. An ornithopter is waiting outside. @bearycool recognizes this ornithopter, or at least some of it. It resembled DickChopper 5, the Secret Kiwi Deep Anus R&D project, though heavily damaged and repaired with a patchwork of welded steel panels and fursuits. After the Kiwi Rangers board the DickChopper 5, a video screen inside the ornithopter's passenger area plays a pre flight warning.
"Warning, we going to space, faggots" it says. Followed by a prayer to Allah.
DickChopper 5 rises into through the Earth's cloud cover. The blue skies slowly turn black as they reach outer space. Also, @Cats is flying the ornithopter, even though he is just a retarded looking cat. The ornithopter spends about 2 or 3 hours floating through space, which gives the Kiwi Rangers enough time to feebase fentanyl, and floats past a large space station. The Kiwi Rangers recognize this space station: Space Palestine.
After a bunch of maneuvering and retrograde thruster action and some other shit, the ornithopter is now in the main hangar of the space station. A morbidly Obsese woman greets them as they leave DickChopper 5.
"I am @SweetDee the XXX9th, Queen of the Space Palestinians, and 57th wife of the Hedgehog King. I will take you to Harry." Throughout the space station hangar is various brown people in suicide vests praying to Allah. They follow Dee through a bunch of various platforms and loop de loops. For you see, the space palestinians could all transform into hedgehogs, having made a pact with the hedgehog king XXX7 years ago, to protect the Chaotistic emeralds. Some of the hedgehogs would jump on springs and then explode their suicide vests.
"We are havin a few issues with the new suicide vest prototypes." Dee Said. Nobody cared.
At the end of the pointless platforming was a guido. The Kiwi Rangers Recognized this Guido.
"CLYDE CASH" they all shouted in Unison. They assumed battle positions.
@NOT Sword Fighter Super cries out.
"You stole from Christine Weston Chandler- the original owner and creator of Sonichu, the electric Hedgehog Pokemon- all of her gal pals. I don't care how many dimensions or timelines. We will avenge Christine Weston Chandler!"
The guido interjects. "Hold on, I am not the original Clyde Cash. I am merely a clone created by Jim Chud, the Hedgehog King (PBUH), but now I am the Hedgehog King. Jim sent you, so I assume this is about the rage pig. There is only one way we can stop him."
The guido pauses for a moment to apply more hair grease.
"To stop the rage pig, we must steal his gal pals."
The guido presses a button on the Hedgehog King's throne. A hole in the floor opens up. A pedestal containing a chaotistic emerald rises from the hole.
"You must use this to power the giant robot, Gallowtron, and steal the Rage Pig's gal pals. But Gallowtron cannot be piloted by only 3. You must find two more pilots."
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2018
Chapter 56: The Recruits: Part 1: Chapter 1
Being a nice guy, Harry, the reincarnation of Clyde Cash, used his credit card to pay for a Craigslist ad: "Wanted: New members of the secret organization "New Kiwi Rangers Beta Cuck: The Next Generation Z Mega Force to pilot the giant robot GallowTron. Also this organization is secret so ifyou see this ad but don't want to audition, then you are now obligated to kill yourself. Also if you are rejected in audition then we will kill you. So you might as well visit our casting couch anyway becasue either way you are going to die."
The Kiwi Rangers spent the next 3 days cleaning all of Jim Chud's remains. @bearycool set up a giant chemistry lab to process what was left of Jim. After mixing various test tubes and beakers and other science bullshit, a submerged my little pony climbed slowly from the top of the cum jar. The pony cum jar, it turns out, happened to be the most accurate timekeeping instrument ever built, being created in XX1X. The Bureau international des poids et mesures redefined the unit measurement of time with it. This meant the chemical reactions on Jim Chud's remains were finished. They placed Jim's distilled remains into a blunt. @Sword Fither Super NOT placed the blunt in his pocket for safe keeping.
With that plot foreshadowing out of the way, a wave of applicants boarded Greyhound buses to Kiwi Deep Anus Base Chudbud. @bearycool calls the first applicant onto the casting couch.
----- AUDITIONS ROUND ONE ------
@Gog & Magog sits on the casting couch. "What about Italians?" he says, making some faggy exxagerated gestures like he was the host of a 90's family friendly bloopers show. "Like, who do they think they are," could they be - @Gog & Magog makes finger gun gestures "Homoseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexuaaaaaaaaaaaa-" His jaw falls off. It turns out that he was acutally a Chuck E Cheese puppet, and therefore would have to be a legal US immigrant to apply for this type of work. His animatronic body shakes and then begins pissing redemption tickets, which are good only at the prize counter.
The prize tickets do not stop. thinking quickly, the garage door is opened, and a tentacle demon made entirely out of prize redemption tickets spills out of the house. The demon changes shape. The Titanic. It changes shape again. A tugboat. And again it changes shape. This time, a schooner. This monster has a boat fetish. It wants to fuck boats, and being made from a mass of prize redemption tickets, it could mildly inconvenience many speedboat owners who will have to get their boats cleaned.
This monster must be stopped. @Breadbassket, having a desire for exhibition, decides that he can stop this menace. He removes his coat. He was only wearing a coat, now he is naked. Two nipple tassles move around like whips, changing length, slithering back and forth like snakes. One of his nipple tassles lassos the monster. The other one swipes at twice the speed of Twilight Dash. The ticket monster slices in half. @Breadbasket gets so much euphoria from slaying the monster, and just 14 seconds after slicing it in half, he cooms. The force of ejaculation launches him into space. It is decided that someone who takes so long to cooms wouldn't make a good culture fit.
Also the giant ticket monster recombined its halves. @Muttley? primes the AR-15 he open carries to protest gun control. Being a galaxy brain, he shoves the AR-15 up his own asshole, butt-first. It was a butt-into-butt situation. His prostate finds the trigger, and he begins firing the AR-15 in long bursts. Being a libertarian, he modified his AR-15 to fully automatic. Seeing that he could not place his arms into his own anus to reload the magazines, he ate bullets as he rapid fired. Also, being a galaxy brain, @Muttley? ponders on the impossibility of shooting yourself in the face if you only fire bullets from your anus. This depresses him, so he commits suicide. The Kiwi Rangers, being strict gun control advocates and anarcho-fascists, decide not to continue the recruitment process.
@Kamen Rider Faiz, wearing an assless cosplay of some Japanese Ultraman shit or Spiderman or whatever- it's all the same- makes a faggy pose that involves shaking his head as he talks. That's when he says "close enough, why does everything gotta be so perfect all thime, close enoooough." The ticket monster pulls @Kamen Rider Faiz's mask off to find out who he really is. Turns out it was Jerry Seinfeld all along. He is immediately rounded up by the police and sent to a concentration camp, but not for being Jewish, because the jews control the camps, but for being not funny. The Kiwi Rangers don't feel comfortable recruiting someone who is either not jewish, or jewish and not funny or funny looking.
As @Kamen Rider Faiz is rejected, he gets all butthurt and starts ranting like a little sad jew. "You fucking niggers, the SEA are the ones who cosplay the most when it comes to tokusatsu related things" as he is hauled into the back of a Paddy Wagon. The paddy wagon drives into the back of an inflatable woman. It explodes. There are no survivors in the paddy wagon but the inflatable woman survives.
@Mary Lee Walsh was going to audition but had to catch an Uber fare because community college tuition was due. As @Mary Lee Walsh arrives at your mom's house. The back door of his car opens. Into the car steps @Rolling Rock2, visibly red with a vain bulging from his forehead. He obviously had a case of the Mondays. "Hethens need to learn to spell with letters" he shouts. Being an old man, he is very assad all the time, so he shouts loud. The windows of the car shatter. A swarm of bees fly through the window. @Mary Lee Walsh and @Rolling Rock2 both die from bee stings.
Back in the concentration camp, @Kamen Rider Faiz, being secretly both Jerry Seinfeld, and @Gog & Magog in disguise, uses his secret communicater to summon his bee sidekicks. They carry him back to AmeriKKKa to continue battling the ticket monser. Also some of the bees flew through the window of an open car, stinging the shit out of whoever was in that car. @Mary Lee Walsh had an epipen and survived. The USSA had the best healthcare in the world. Everybody except for illegal immigrants have access to an endless supply of epi-pens.
A giant Spanish, and male, bee, followed the swarm of bees from about 10 feet away. "Theriouthly guyth, you're always leaving me behind" he laments. Typical of the Spanish to have a speech impediment. The bee approaches @Kamen Rider Faiz and makes a military salute. "Thpecial Forthes thargent Admiral @Megatardingo del Bee"
"Nice to meet you, megatard Ingo Delbee, I'm gigatard Jerry" @Kamen Rider Faiz says. "How about we go hard on this monster, family style."
Jerry Seinfeld climbs onto the back of @Megatardingo. It is more difficult to fly with a jew on your back than without, so @Megatardingo takes longer to get up to speed and has trouble steering. Even with the extra weight, he manages to avoid a volley of prize redemption tickets hurtling towards him. Jerry Seinfeld leaps off onto the ticket monster. He uses his Jew powers to summon a scalpel. He makes a faggy pose.
"Secret Jew Powers, Mohalim mode, activate." A Schlemiel forms on his head. He uses the scalpel to slowly circumcise the ticket monster by cutting prize redemption tickets. Being a strict orthodox jew, he makes sure to cut the prize redemption ticekts in such a way that they can be collected and redeemed later. He's actually very slow at it. He is neigher significantly maiming the ticket mosnter, nor is he accumulating prize tickets fast enough to redeem anything cool.
Disappointed by this turn of events, he settles for a plastic spider ring and goes home, losing interest. His lawyers told him that he entered into a legally binding contract by viewing an unwanted pop up ad that contained a clause about killing yourself if you even see the recruitment ad, so he decided to leave his mortal body, once again becoming one with Moloch.
@Megatardingo overshot his target and flew into the World Trade Center by mistake. @Mary Lee Walsh lost interest as well but discovered a loophole in the contract that granted amnesty for boyfriend free girlfriends, which (s)he was.
With the first set of applicants rejected, the next set of applicants approach the casting couch.
Being a nice guy, Harry, the reincarnation of Clyde Cash, used his credit card to pay for a Craigslist ad: "Wanted: New members of the secret organization "New Kiwi Rangers Beta Cuck: The Next Generation Z Mega Force to pilot the giant robot GallowTron. Also this organization is secret so ifyou see this ad but don't want to audition, then you are now obligated to kill yourself. Also if you are rejected in audition then we will kill you. So you might as well visit our casting couch anyway becasue either way you are going to die."
The Kiwi Rangers spent the next 3 days cleaning all of Jim Chud's remains. @bearycool set up a giant chemistry lab to process what was left of Jim. After mixing various test tubes and beakers and other science bullshit, a submerged my little pony climbed slowly from the top of the cum jar. The pony cum jar, it turns out, happened to be the most accurate timekeeping instrument ever built, being created in XX1X. The Bureau international des poids et mesures redefined the unit measurement of time with it. This meant the chemical reactions on Jim Chud's remains were finished. They placed Jim's distilled remains into a blunt. @Sword Fither Super NOT placed the blunt in his pocket for safe keeping.
With that plot foreshadowing out of the way, a wave of applicants boarded Greyhound buses to Kiwi Deep Anus Base Chudbud. @bearycool calls the first applicant onto the casting couch.
----- AUDITIONS ROUND ONE ------
@Gog & Magog sits on the casting couch. "What about Italians?" he says, making some faggy exxagerated gestures like he was the host of a 90's family friendly bloopers show. "Like, who do they think they are," could they be - @Gog & Magog makes finger gun gestures "Homoseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexuaaaaaaaaaaaa-" His jaw falls off. It turns out that he was acutally a Chuck E Cheese puppet, and therefore would have to be a legal US immigrant to apply for this type of work. His animatronic body shakes and then begins pissing redemption tickets, which are good only at the prize counter.
The prize tickets do not stop. thinking quickly, the garage door is opened, and a tentacle demon made entirely out of prize redemption tickets spills out of the house. The demon changes shape. The Titanic. It changes shape again. A tugboat. And again it changes shape. This time, a schooner. This monster has a boat fetish. It wants to fuck boats, and being made from a mass of prize redemption tickets, it could mildly inconvenience many speedboat owners who will have to get their boats cleaned.
This monster must be stopped. @Breadbassket, having a desire for exhibition, decides that he can stop this menace. He removes his coat. He was only wearing a coat, now he is naked. Two nipple tassles move around like whips, changing length, slithering back and forth like snakes. One of his nipple tassles lassos the monster. The other one swipes at twice the speed of Twilight Dash. The ticket monster slices in half. @Breadbasket gets so much euphoria from slaying the monster, and just 14 seconds after slicing it in half, he cooms. The force of ejaculation launches him into space. It is decided that someone who takes so long to cooms wouldn't make a good culture fit.
Also the giant ticket monster recombined its halves. @Muttley? primes the AR-15 he open carries to protest gun control. Being a galaxy brain, he shoves the AR-15 up his own asshole, butt-first. It was a butt-into-butt situation. His prostate finds the trigger, and he begins firing the AR-15 in long bursts. Being a libertarian, he modified his AR-15 to fully automatic. Seeing that he could not place his arms into his own anus to reload the magazines, he ate bullets as he rapid fired. Also, being a galaxy brain, @Muttley? ponders on the impossibility of shooting yourself in the face if you only fire bullets from your anus. This depresses him, so he commits suicide. The Kiwi Rangers, being strict gun control advocates and anarcho-fascists, decide not to continue the recruitment process.
@Kamen Rider Faiz, wearing an assless cosplay of some Japanese Ultraman shit or Spiderman or whatever- it's all the same- makes a faggy pose that involves shaking his head as he talks. That's when he says "close enough, why does everything gotta be so perfect all thime, close enoooough." The ticket monster pulls @Kamen Rider Faiz's mask off to find out who he really is. Turns out it was Jerry Seinfeld all along. He is immediately rounded up by the police and sent to a concentration camp, but not for being Jewish, because the jews control the camps, but for being not funny. The Kiwi Rangers don't feel comfortable recruiting someone who is either not jewish, or jewish and not funny or funny looking.
As @Kamen Rider Faiz is rejected, he gets all butthurt and starts ranting like a little sad jew. "You fucking niggers, the SEA are the ones who cosplay the most when it comes to tokusatsu related things" as he is hauled into the back of a Paddy Wagon. The paddy wagon drives into the back of an inflatable woman. It explodes. There are no survivors in the paddy wagon but the inflatable woman survives.
@Mary Lee Walsh was going to audition but had to catch an Uber fare because community college tuition was due. As @Mary Lee Walsh arrives at your mom's house. The back door of his car opens. Into the car steps @Rolling Rock2, visibly red with a vain bulging from his forehead. He obviously had a case of the Mondays. "Hethens need to learn to spell with letters" he shouts. Being an old man, he is very assad all the time, so he shouts loud. The windows of the car shatter. A swarm of bees fly through the window. @Mary Lee Walsh and @Rolling Rock2 both die from bee stings.
Back in the concentration camp, @Kamen Rider Faiz, being secretly both Jerry Seinfeld, and @Gog & Magog in disguise, uses his secret communicater to summon his bee sidekicks. They carry him back to AmeriKKKa to continue battling the ticket monser. Also some of the bees flew through the window of an open car, stinging the shit out of whoever was in that car. @Mary Lee Walsh had an epipen and survived. The USSA had the best healthcare in the world. Everybody except for illegal immigrants have access to an endless supply of epi-pens.
A giant Spanish, and male, bee, followed the swarm of bees from about 10 feet away. "Theriouthly guyth, you're always leaving me behind" he laments. Typical of the Spanish to have a speech impediment. The bee approaches @Kamen Rider Faiz and makes a military salute. "Thpecial Forthes thargent Admiral @Megatardingo del Bee"
"Nice to meet you, megatard Ingo Delbee, I'm gigatard Jerry" @Kamen Rider Faiz says. "How about we go hard on this monster, family style."
Jerry Seinfeld climbs onto the back of @Megatardingo. It is more difficult to fly with a jew on your back than without, so @Megatardingo takes longer to get up to speed and has trouble steering. Even with the extra weight, he manages to avoid a volley of prize redemption tickets hurtling towards him. Jerry Seinfeld leaps off onto the ticket monster. He uses his Jew powers to summon a scalpel. He makes a faggy pose.
"Secret Jew Powers, Mohalim mode, activate." A Schlemiel forms on his head. He uses the scalpel to slowly circumcise the ticket monster by cutting prize redemption tickets. Being a strict orthodox jew, he makes sure to cut the prize redemption ticekts in such a way that they can be collected and redeemed later. He's actually very slow at it. He is neigher significantly maiming the ticket mosnter, nor is he accumulating prize tickets fast enough to redeem anything cool.
Disappointed by this turn of events, he settles for a plastic spider ring and goes home, losing interest. His lawyers told him that he entered into a legally binding contract by viewing an unwanted pop up ad that contained a clause about killing yourself if you even see the recruitment ad, so he decided to leave his mortal body, once again becoming one with Moloch.
@Megatardingo overshot his target and flew into the World Trade Center by mistake. @Mary Lee Walsh lost interest as well but discovered a loophole in the contract that granted amnesty for boyfriend free girlfriends, which (s)he was.
With the first set of applicants rejected, the next set of applicants approach the casting couch.