The Works of NNewt84

NNewt84

NNewt84

kiwifarms.net
Joined
Sep 3, 2019
Well, @LiquidKid, you've asked for it, so here it is - the thread relating to any (but not necessarily all) works by yours truly. :)

I thought I'd create a separate thread for it, so that any others I happen to post on don't get needlessly sidetracked. (Though I'm sure some sperg will sidetrack this thread eventually.)

So anyway, here are the first two scenes for a comic script I'm working on. Feel free to constructively criticise as you please, and I might actually take it on board if it's good enough. :)
 

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I, uh, don't know what I just read. It's not horrible, it's just... bland. Very bland.

Also yeah, you really, really, REALLY should have payed more attention to our good friend Mr. Enter's thread.
 
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NNewt84 said:
Got any suggestions on how to improve?
Click to expand...

First of all, the German is pretty off. I'd recommend either sticking to a language you know, or getting an actual German who speaks the language fluently and regularly who's interested to interpret for you.

Second: it feels vapid. The only characterization is thin and quite honestly boring. Each character speaks in the same exact way, with the same exact 'voice', but with a token difference between them. Dad, social media girl, special girl. Give your characters more depth.

Third, please stop doxxing yourself. Eventually, someone's gonna fuck around and send you a funny in the mail.
 
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littlearmalite said:
First of all, the German is pretty off. I'd recommend either sticking to a language you know, or getting an actual German who speaks the language fluently and regularly who's interested to interpret for you.

Second: it feels vapid. The only characterization is thin and quite honestly boring. Each character speaks in the same exact way, with the same exact 'voice', but with a token difference between them. Dad, social media girl, special girl. Give your characters more depth.

Third, please stop doxxing yourself. Eventually, someone's gonna fuck around and send you a funny in the mail.
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Yes, I noticed that someone (don't know if it was you) criticised Enter for the voice issue, and I try to keep that in mind when writing dialogue. When I picture the characters in my head, they do seem like distinct characters with their own personalities, but it just feels different when I'm typing up a document; it's hard to make it seem natural when I'm working with a format that prides itself on conciseness and grammatical correctness, and I'm constantly trying to fight that by channeling the characters' personalities.

After pondering it through for nearly an hour, I came up with something that might work for me. I was thinking, maybe I should record myself and a friend or family member improvising a scene, and draw inspiration from that. I'm actually part of an acting troupe where the director/writer uses a similar technique to write his plays. Do you think this would be an effective method to capture natural-sounding dialogue?

Also, if it helps, I made a 40-second "animated" short with these characters (barring Joanna), which I didn't even write a script for because it was so short I could just memorise what little story I planned. Just out of curosity, does the dialogue here still have the same problem?

www.youtube.com

Wood Under the Bridge

Adele Wetter loves to play her violin, but her father... is a bit contemptuous about it. This short subject was made throughout April and May of 2014, to be ...
www.youtube.com www.youtube.com

(And don't worry - I ditched the scary-ass tapir logo for a much friendlier Hungarian rune-style logo.)

As for the "pretty off" German, as you put it, I'm considering hiring a German language consultant to clean up Johann's dialogue, if that helps.
 
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NNewt84 said:
Yes, I noticed that someone (don't know if it was you) criticised Enter for the voice issue, and I try to keep that in mind when writing dialogue. When I picture the characters in my head, they do seem like distinct characters with their own personalities, but it just feels different when you're typing up a document; it's hard to make it seem natural when you're working with a format that prides itself on conciseness and grammatical correctness, and I'm constantly trying to fight that by channeling the characters' personalities.

After pondering it through for nearly an hour, I came up with something that might work for me. I was thinking, maybe I should record myself and a friend or family member improvising a scene, and draw inspiration from that. I'm actually part of an acting troupe where the director/writer uses a similar technique to write his plays. Do you think this would be an effective method to capture natural-sounding dialogue?

Also, if it helps, I made a 40-second "animated" short with these characters (barring Joanna), which I didn't even write a script for because it was so short I could just memorise what little story I planned. Just out of curosity, does the dialogue here still have the same problem?

www.youtube.com

Wood Under the Bridge

Adele Wetter loves to play her violin, but her father... is a bit contemptuous about it. This short subject was made throughout April and May of 2014, to be ...
www.youtube.com www.youtube.com

(And don't worry - I ditched the scary-ass tapir logo for a much friendlier Hungarian rune-style logo.)
Click to expand...

No, because it's voiced. A problem in text (as a writer), is that it's very hard to convey voice. There are many ways to do it, some which land, some don't. A lot of things go into it- choice of synonyms, syntax, structure of sentences, number of contractions, phonetic errors. Things that are much easier to convey in a vocal medium. I don't think, if you're making a comic, that vocalizing these things would help much, but you can certainly try it if you have a willing participant.
 
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When I was a little kid, we're talking like 4 or 5 years old, I used to say that I wanted to be an astronaut. My parents did the typical parent thing: "Of course honey, you can be anything you want." A few years went by and I still wanted to be an astronaut. My parents sat me down and said: "Look, we love you but here's the thing. You're never going to be an astronaut. You're nearly rêtarded. You're not completely retärded, but adjacent. Like if rëtarded were a city you'd live in the suburbs. Like right at the edge."

Initially I was crushed. But that's what I wanted to be! They're wrong! I'll show them!

But then more years passed. I'm not an astronaut. Never have been. Never will be. I'll never go into space. And that's okay. A wise man once said: "You can't always get what you want".

Why am I telling you this? What does any of this have to do with you? Well, here's the thing: You'll never write a comic. You're a fucking retárd. Find a new hobby, preferably something you're good at.
 
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Just for some clarification, this guy was mucking up the Mr. Enter thread before he got threadbanned. He's already accidentally doxed himself as Sam Bateman, and as you can already probably tell, he does have autism. Here's the interview where he himself confirms it. (archive)

Here's the video that he made, and subsequently his YouTube channel. (archive) (archive)


Here's his deviantart account, (archive) that features such amazing art like this:

(archive)
happy_men_s_day_by_salab_jibvoh_d9h9i9p-pre.jpg
(archive)
9_11__10_years_of_grief_by_salab_jibvoh_d49hfyv-pre.jpg
(archive)
nightmare fuel.jpg
(archive)
shitty bug art.png
(archive)
spine wft.png

He also hated Into the Spider-Verse because the lead character was black, considers letting kids watch Ghostbusters (2016) to be borderline child abuse, and has claimed to have known about/lurked on this site for over five years.

NNewt84 said:
Got any suggestions on how to improve?
Click to expand...
Learn to shut up when shit hits the fan.
 
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littlearmalite said:
>He also hated Into the Spider-Verse because the mulatto lead character is leagues beyond anything he's ever written.

FTFY
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Yes, because a guy who's just starting out is totally comparable to professionals with years of experience.

Didn't we criticise Enter for being pretentious when he compared his own works to stuff like Harry Potter and Star Trek? Nice to know the Kiwis can't even follow their own advice.
 
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Well, this thread turned out to be a bust. I just knew it would get sidetracked at some point - I just didn't realise it would be this soon.

Honestly, I don't even know why I signed up for this website to begin with. It's all just one big cesspool of circlejerking and toxic behaviour. I'm just grateful that this site has no great influence, and that no-one in the right mind would actually take this site seriously, especially after its response to the Christchurch mosque shooting.

So therefore, I am done with this website, since clearly no-one is willing to be civil and actually give constructive criticism. Well, except for you, @littlearmalite - your advice was pretty good, at least until Bunny came in and derailed the thread. Good day to you all, and continue getting assmad at anyone who dares to criticise forced diversity in film while you make fun of autistics.
 
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NNewt84 said:
Well, this thread turned out to be a bust. I just knew it would get sidetracked at some point - I just didn't realise it would be this soon.

Honestly, I don't even know why I signed up for this website to begin with. It's all just one big cesspool of circlejerking and toxic behaviour. I'm just grateful that this site has no great influence, and that no-one in the right mind would actually take this site seriously, especially after its response to the Christchurch mosque shooting.

So therefore, I am done with this website, since clearly no-one is willing to be civil and actually give constructive criticism. Well, except for you, @littlearmalite - your advice was pretty good, at least until Bunny came in and derailed the thread. Good day to you all, and continue getting assmad at anyone who dares to criticise forced diversity in film while you make fun of autistics.
Click to expand...

Do a flip faggot.
 
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NNewt84 said:
Well, this thread turned out to be a bust. I just knew it would get sidetracked at some point - I just didn't realise it would be this soon.

Honestly, I don't even know why I signed up for this website to begin with. It's all just one big cesspool of circlejerking and toxic behaviour. I'm just grateful that this site has no great influence, and that no-one in the right mind would actually take this site seriously, especially after its response to the Christchurch mosque shooting.

So therefore, I am done with this website, since clearly no-one is willing to be civil and actually give constructive criticism. Well, except for you, @littlearmalite - your advice was pretty good, at least until Bunny came in and derailed the thread. Good day to you all, and continue getting assmad at anyone who dares to criticise forced diversity in film while you make fun of autistics.
Click to expand...
Dude, I keep telling you the Kiwi Farms wasn't for you; And here I find you getting assmad because people are making fun of you for practically attention-whoring on a Forum for discussing and laughing at Lolcows.

Stick to Deviantart and Reddit.
 
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Can I get some context for the masterpiece of a comic outline I'm reading?
 
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