Jumping Flash!
Hipsters be like, "
This predates Mario 64.” Yeah, it feels like it. We're not here to have fun, we're here to experience 3D for the first time and be confused.
You play as a robot rabbit or some shit. Galactic police sent you to stop an evil Hawaiian dude building a space timeshare: Baron Aloha. He literally carves tourist traps out of a planet and keehauls them into orbit to make his own resort. So, is it fun or just a relic?
Well, it’s first-person, but don’t get it twisted. People online say “
Mirror’s Edge on PS1,” but spiritually it’s Sonic. Sonic beach and casino levels, badniks wandering, same music riffs,
Sonic 2's space station returns.
So what do you do? Hop around floating islands for parts? Yep, you grab jet engine parts to blast off. Some are hidden in plain sight, most are in the air. Draw distance is trash, map is trash. If you don’t clip close, you can’t even see shit. And Robbit can’t look up or down, so good luck spotting anything high. Time limit is three minutes. Miserable.
Enemies start as harmless pests, but later they’re no-scoping you from across the map. Robbit has voxel projectiles, but they’re weak. Stomping is stronger. Bosses are sponges who punish you for stomping too early.
Controls are floaty, movement like a turret. Jumping on moving platforms is an RNG roll on whether you live or not.
The final level is a Death Egg knockoff with an Evil Robbit and Baron Aloha in a mech suit. Giant Robbit hops on your head. Absolute fuckery.
The game comes with a new game plus or "extra" mode which spawns you into death traps with enemies shooting instantly, and the engine parts placed in annoying locations. Most people would throw in the towel here, as the "true" ending is not worth it. 5/10
Jumping Flash 2 picks up right after the first one. Baron Aloha’s like, “
I need a vacation,” and immediately gets bottled by this giant gay banana, Captain Kabuki. It’s supposed to be ironic or something, I don’t know.
So he calls the Space City Council and asks Robbit for help. Obviously he’s gonna betray you later.
Graphics are a cheap remaster of the first game. HUD is a little cleaner. Robbit sticks to platforms better, which is nice. (
Jumping Flash! gets a raging erection whenever you jump on a precarious ledge and risk death just to get an item.) Enemies actually take damage now. Time limit’s 8 minutes instead of 3, which is a blessing. You’re collecting Mu Mus (Aloha’s minions) instead of jet engines now. The draw distance is much improved, and if you try to exit a level early, coronas flash showing the Mu Mus you missed. I believe this feature was included in the first game but it was useless for the reasons I mentioned.
The levels are a bit bigger, still vertical, more stuff in the sky. Ziplines, trampolines, all that. The first couple levels are pretty cute, reimagined levels from the first game, like Tokyo being replaced with a nice Japanese snow village with a castle. I did not care for the final level which is Captain Kabuki’s junk collection. This is supposed to stand in for Baron Aloha's space station, but not only is it piss ugly, it's horrible to navigate.
I
thought it was better than the first one... but by level five, Robbit is up to his old bullshit: moving platforms, bosses who won’t die. I had to save scum to kill Captain Kabuki because he had bottomless health and homing projectiles that he just kept spamming with no opportunity to hit him. And after all that they want me to replay each of the six levels and fight Captain Kabuki again? I hope Robbit double jumps straight into Hell. 4/10
GRAPHICS: Still holds up. But it’s also the most uninspired shit imaginable. Oh wow, it’s a planet made of playing cards and chess pieces. A food themed planet? Awesome. My favorite genre of level. People gripe about sewer levels now, but younger gamers don’t realize how omnipresent this other garbage was. Every game. Every genre. “
What if…giant fork?” 6/10
MUSiC: Actually pretty solid throughout. The first game's soundtrack is
better though. Second one feels like it’s trying too hard to make up for the lack of innovation in other areas. 7/10
STORY: Cutscenes and characters are probably the best part. I really like the guy who plays Baron Aloha. I bet he recorded everything in one afternoon and bounced, never thought about it again. Robbit's weird though. In the first game he sounds like a kid. In the second, they replace him with this dude who sounds like John Stamos. And now he’s got a "2" on his belly, so I guess this is a new model Robbit? Canonically different rabbit? I think I prefer first-game Robbit overall. But second Robbit's death scream when he falls down a pit is genuinely hilarious. Massive improvement. 8/10