What are the dumbest names people’s parents cursed them with?

[Your Weird Fetish]

There was a kid acrosss the street from me named Dotsy. It was short for Dorothy. Her whole family was fucked up. When she was 12 she had enough, took her dog up to the train platform and was goin to jump in front of an oncoming train. The police stopped her and shipped her off somewhere after that. Her life actually turned out pretty good when she got older though. So at least there was a happy ending.

She brought her dog? What was she, an Egyptian pagan? Wanted to take it with her to the afterlife?

 

[MagicWaistSadFace]

Knew someone called ‘Dystance’

 

[Salty Squid]

I knew a dude named Melf once. Wasn't even short for Melvin or something, literally just Melf.

 

[Fliddaroonie]

I knew a dude named Melf once. Wasn't even short for Melvin or something, literally just Melf.

Reading that, it just makes me more inclined to think that parents should have to declare their preferred names when the kid is still in utero, and if it's a shit one, be made to give it up for adoption.

 

[GinnyPotter]

I remember watching a show and the woman was talking about her daughter.

She said her name was La - Sha but pronounced it, La Dash Sha and said the dash was silent.

 

[MysticMisty]

I've got another good list from the file room coming up, but first I want to share my mom's story, as I was just reminded of it earlier. She used to work in a hospital in South Dakota, and it wasn't uncommon for them to get tribal patients every so often. They'd get the typical animal based name, but a lot of them were more rooted in early childhood personality, so there'd be adults named awkward shit like Scared of Thunder.

The absolute worst though was the one based on appearance. This poor man had a horribly scarred face. My mom thought he must've been one of the last smallpox cases, but she found out it was actually a really bad case of chicken pox as a child that caused it. Either way his parents thought it was the most noteworthy thing about him and thus named him Scabby Face.

 

[TiltdownDove]

People named Richard (which shortened is Dick). Don't know why.

Dick Armey for example.

Richard
Rick
Dick

 

[Spastic Colon]

Another one to add to the list: Treazure (who is, coincidentally, the student body treasurer at her school).

 

[Roast Chicken]

Knew a girl named Brighton Early.

Her mother was literally insane and was institutionalized.

On that note, never understood the posh folk naming their children after cities like Bristol and London. Why'd you want to christen your sprogs after dirty, polluted pits of corruption is beyond me. Might as well just name the kid "Rats" or "Stabbing".

 

[queerape]

My sister and I have grandma names, but we really like them.

 

[Spunt]

When I worked in child protection there was a lady who was in prison for various violent crimes. She collected personality disorders like Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Her kid (little boy of about 6 iirc) was placed with a relative, but she was still the legal parent. As is typical with sociopathic narcissists, she blamed everyone but herself for her situation, especially the social workers who had dared suggest that starving and beating her kid while smoking crack wasn't the best parenting in the world.

Now there's not a lot you can do from prison to get back at social workers, but as she was still technically the legal parent she figured out there was one thing she had a legal right to do: change his name. So every few months (I forget how often you can legally do it) she would fill in the forms and change the kid's name. Again.

And when it came to names let's just say she went for quantity over quality. Every time she did this the kid would be lumbered with anything up to sixty new and ridiculous names. Obviously I can't remember them all, but her preference was for the names of trashy celebrities. I remember at one point the kid was called something like Lionel Messi Christiano Ronaldo Justin Bieber Kanye West Peter Stringfellow Barack Obama Jimmy Savile Hannibal Lechter Sherlock Holmes Alan Shearer Peter Andre Jeremy Kyle etc. etc. until he had another 40 names. Then as soon as legally permitted it would all be swapped round again.

And if the Police, prison, probation people, social workers or anyone else didn't use ALL those names, spelt correctly, in the correct order, at all times, her solicitor would threaten legal action. So the social workers, being social workers, dutifully did so, even if it caused buffer overflow errors on their computer systems.

Given her rap sheet (and her habit of shanking other inmates) I doubt she'll be getting out of prison any time soon and the kid won't be 18 yet as of now, so as far as I know this is still going on.

 

[Pina Colada]

I went to middle school with a Shaquashia, a Shakeema, an Ikia (pronounced like the furniture store), and a Kia. No relation between all four.

 

[Friendly_AI]

Some posters in this thread are freaking out over names like Hope, but it's so common in Russia, along with Faith and Love, that the religious meaning of them is mostly lost and they feel just like any ordinary name. Surely it is also common in other countries, I just can't be 100% sure to give another example.
And frankly, most of the proper names were given to people according to religious traditions, it only seems strange nowadays due to obscurity of them.

 

[IAmNotAlpharius]

I knew a woman named Talon.

 

[Your Weird Fetish]

I knew a woman named Talon.

Was she a super villain or hired assassin? Because if she was she could make it work.

 

[DDBCAE CBAADCBE]

Was she a super villain or hired assassin? Because if she was she could make it work.

Weird, I once dated a black chick named Talon

 

[troon patrol]

"pharoh" was probably the worst, in 3rd grade he was already being raised by his grandma as momma was awol or in prison who knew.

Another one I don't think she or I could spell, but phonetically was "michelleay" I don't think she made it to highschool.

Lotta "shakwaneshia's" and made up names that sounded culteral but were just made up gibberish.

I heard of a US Navy enlisted woman with the last name "guzzler", in the US navy you are addressed by your rank "seaman" being the lowest starting rank (I think? I wasn't in the navy.)
Point being, whenever she had to find her commanding officer she had to look them in the eye and say something like "Seaman Guzzler, reporting as ordered"

 

[Spastic Colon]

"pharoh" was probably the worst, in 3rd grade he was already being raised by his grandma as momma was awol or in prison who knew.

Another one I don't think she or I could spell, but phonetically was "michelleay" I don't think she made it to highschool.

Lotta "shakwaneshia's" and made up names that sounded culteral but were just made up gibberish.

I heard of a US Navy enlisted woman with the last name "guzzler", in the US navy you are addressed by your rank "seaman" being the lowest starting rank (I think? I wasn't in the navy.)
Point being, whenever she had to find her commanding officer she had to look them in the eye and say something like "Seaman Guzzler, reporting as ordered"

My dad worked with a woman at a naval shipyard with the last name "Head". They had to wear hardhats with their name on it. So the guys gave her shit about her needing to label where to put the helmut.

 

[Smaug's Smokey Hole]

My father worked with a man named Brother, Brother's sister also worked there, her name was Sister. A cleaning lady there was named Hagbard and she was built like a chimney brush, she was tall, skinny and had a big perm. She was also incredibly foul mouthed, not in angry way more like Calamity Jane from Deadwood or Ricky from Trailer Park Boys, but being a woman looking like a chimney brush named Hagbard it's fitting.

 

[Token Weeaboo]

I believe the worst one I have heard was a guy named Festus Krebs III. Not only was there one of these, there are 3.

Edit: Spelling