Containment What If?

[An Ounce of Vagina]

Chris is not mentally, emotionally or physically capable of doing anything that would land him on death row.

Unlikely in the extreme, but not impossible. People who you would never believe could be capable of murder have done so. Youngest I can think of off the top of my head was an eleven-year old boy.

 

[Big_Pete_33]

Of the three methods used in Virginia's history (hanging, electrocution, and lethal injection), the latter two methods-the only ones currently available to the state of Virginia-would probably be the only successful options. Glancing at the table of drops for a proper hanging, Chris would make it really hard to ensure a clean break in the neck. Not only does he get the shortest drop allowed (5' 0" for anyone weighing 200 lbs or more), but his neck is as soft and cushy as pudding; there's a significant risk he'd just end up getting strangled.

-Signed, the guy doing his senior research project on a hangman

Or the rope may break and Chris would land on his ass, much to our amusement. Or even decapitation

 

[GFYS]

i don't disagree with any of that. Of course we're opining about the "whats" and "Whys" of Chris. But there's a difference between saying "you're a dickhead, and part of that is because your parents suck" and "you're only a dickhead because your parents suck".

As well, whichever argument one makes, the single constant is that so-and-so is a dickhead.

Chris is obnoxious, deceitful, demanding, petty, filthy, and cruel. Anyone can come up with any justification they want, it doesn't change that he's unlikable.

 

[Duke Nukem]

Re: What if Chris was the protagonist of 'Welcome to the NHK

I was looking for stuff on hikikomori, and found this show! Thanks. Chris does certainly exhibit some features of a hikikomori, but I wouldn't exactly say that he necessarily is one. He does get out of the house at least, even if it is to harass girls he wants to fuck.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Of the three methods used in Virginia's history (hanging, electrocution, and lethal injection), the latter two methods-the only ones currently available to the state of Virginia-would probably be the only successful options. Glancing at the table of drops for a proper hanging, Chris would make it really hard to ensure a clean break in the neck. Not only does he get the shortest drop allowed (5' 0" for anyone weighing 200 lbs or more), but his neck is as soft and cushy as pudding; there's a significant risk he'd just end up getting strangled.

-Signed, the guy doing his senior research project on a hangman

Or the rope may break and Chris would land on his ass, much to our amusement. Or even decapitation

Decapitation can only happen if there's too much force exerted in the sudden stop, which is unlikely, given how Chris would get the absolute minimum of force.

Also, given Chris's pronounced streak of dumb luck, I have a bizarre feeling that the equipment would always fail when the time comes and he's strapped in and ready to go. Trap door doesn't open; power fails; leaky syringe; et cetera. Chris would then spend even more time in limbo as some pro bono organization takes the state to court, debating the constitutionality/fairness/whatever of repeatedly setting up a mentally handicapped man for death.

 

[Some JERK]

i don't disagree with any of that. Of course we're opining about the "whats" and "Whys" of Chris. But there's a difference between saying "you're a dickhead, and part of that is because your parents suck" and "you're only a dickhead because your parents suck".

As well, whichever argument one makes, the single constant is that so-and-so is a dickhead.

Chris is obnoxious, deceitful, demanding, petty, filthy, and cruel. Anyone can come up with any justification they want, it doesn't change that he's unlikable.

Yeah, i think that's the main thing. I'd say that many people spend a considerable amount of their adult lives working through issues such as "my parents did or didn't do "X" and because of that i have difficulty with "Y", and they do it because they don't expect anyone else to put up with "Y" or accept "X" as an excuse.

 

[DykesDykesChina]

Re: A very thorough itinerary.

TOP THAT SHIT!

1. Before traveling to San Francisco, I mail an ineffectual firebomb (i.e. one that won't go off but still contains explosives and flammable liquid) to the Game Place and draw Sonichu's face on the box along with the words "Death to Snyder! Long live CWCville!"

2. Before midnight and the start of the conga line orgy at the brothel, I rip up Chris's clothes, leaving him with nothing to wear.

3. 15 min before midnight, I eat 5 g of dried Panaeolus Cyanescens Magic Mushrooms. 1 min before midnight I snort a big line of Angel Dust.

 

[Big_Pete_33]

The real question is what will happen to this site after Chris died.

Will it shut down in honor like Bob?

 

[Zero Gun: Fenrir]

Well, first I'd get liposuction, then, I'd go have sex with the most STD ridden male whore I could find. After that, I'd book a one way ticket to the Central African Republic. But not before selling all of his stuff, posting the video of the sexytime with said whore on the interwebs, and breaking up with mommy dearest. Then I'd walk through airport security with a backpack that has a timer, and copper wires hot glued to it.

 

[c-no]

Aside from the site temporarily shutting down in honor Chris dying before Barb, Barb would be in trouble since she now lost her son. Unless she goes to a nursing home, she will just stay in her decaying home, not doing much aside from eating, watching t.v., and grieving her loss. Eventually she will die in her home either from age or from her health. The CWCkipedia will probably stay, solely as nothing but an archive for videos and articles that detail the saga's and Chris' grasp on concepts like death, the English language, and even his own health since there will be nothing new to add since the Chandlers have passed away. The CWCki forums would stay, though it may go through a different name and the boards may possibly change.

 

[Pikimon]

Re: A very thorough itinerary.

TOP THAT SHIT!

1. Before traveling to San Francisco, I mail an ineffectual firebomb (i.e. one that won't go off but still contains explosives and flammable liquid) to the Game Place and draw Sonichu's face on the box along with the words "Death to Snyder! Long live CWCville!"

2. Before midnight and the start of the conga line orgy at the brothel, I rip up Chris's clothes, leaving him with nothing to wear.

3. 15 min before midnight, I eat 5 g of dried Panaeolus Cyanescens Magic Mushrooms. 1 min before midnight I snort a big line of Angel Dust.

Might as well do some shrooms before the time is up.

 

[José Mourinho]

If this happens when A-Log used to upload commentaries on Chris, A-Log will make a video celebrating about it, causing A-Log and his friends to get trolled even more, causing A-Log and his friends to be the currently best lolcows.

If this happens right now, Moleman9000 and Rika will be currently the best lolcows.

Either way, Barb will be forever alone in her house, eating and sleeping.

 

[c-no]

If this happens when A-Log used to upload commentaries on Chris, A-Log will make a video celebrating about it, causing A-Log and his friends to get trolled even more, causing A-Log and his friends to be the currently best lolcows.

Don't forget that by celebrating the death of Chris, A-Log and his ilk become more loathsome and pathetic since they are celebrating the death of an autistic man who isn't in any way as bad as Hitler and/or worse than Saddam. They prove themselves to be lolcow who are possibly worse than Chris.

 

[qld]

He would be out because he was recently involved in criminal and civil actions. The court would see him as biased against the police and others. Answering that honestly on the questionaire should be enough to boot him without further investigation. He's on disability. The disabled are usually allowed outs if they want them. Not only is he disabled, he's got mental problems, and was ordered to psych evals as a result of his last crime. Not exactly qualified to sit in judgment of anyone. So even if he wanted to serve, and his questionaire made it past the court and got him in the chair for jury selection, you can be damned sure one of the attorneys will dismiss him in a hurry after observing him. If they actually do a little q & a with him, he'd absolutely be gone.
My partner got put in the jury pool last year, and he wanted out. Lucky bastard's been called three times, and I've never been called. I wouldn't mind going, I'd find it interesting and you get paid. I answered his questionaire for him, I told the court he had been sued and had sued people, that he spends all day watching Judge Judy, Law and Order and the Crime Channel, he never heard back from them. Being involved in a little litigation and proclaiming yourself an armchair detective is a pretty good way to make yourself undesirable for jury duty.

 

[champthom]

As someone mentioned, I think they usually ask some basic questions about what people think about the law and stuff before selecting jurors. While on the one hand, Chris has no opinion in regards to current events as he doesn't like "listening to the bad news," if they prodded him on some philosophical questions they'll realize that Chris has no idea what he's talking about. Plus he'd probably mention he's autistic and that would probably work against him.

If he somehow managed to get selected, I imagine he'd get dismissed or thrown off the jury for playing with his DS during the trial or fidgeting around.

 

[José Mourinho]

1. Chris tries to get the captured trolls arrested.
2. Chris gets laughed by the cops.
3. Chris accuses the cops as Jerkops again.
4. Chris makes a Facebook post about the Jerkops.

I can imagine a Chess game.

Pawns: Sonichu & Rosechu & Chaotic Combo & Blake, Jerkops
Queens: Sailor Megtune, Mary Lee Walsh
Kings: CWC, Count Graduon

This is what I can think of so far.

It's either double lolcows or Chris becomes slightly better due to better social skills.

 

[CatParty]

i see it entailing all the set up of mouse trap, the boredom of risk, the arguments from monopoly, and the ease of play of candy land.

 

[Great Unclean Chris]

Re: A very thorough itinerary.

Spoiler

=== Phase 1: Setup ===

*Make some "tea" for Barb...with a something in it that will make her sleep very, very deeply.
*While Barb nods off, I thoroughly empty my bowels and then shower like I've never showered before.
*Call for an ambulance to take Meemaw away "'cuz she's very ill and has these infected sore all over her tuchus and I've shaken her and she won't wake up."
*With Meemaw out of the way, I rush out to perform some "errands":
*At the local equivalent of Staples or Office Max and get the following: 4 Sturdy cardboard boxes, a pack of padded mailers, a small pack of manilla envelopes, and a big box of industrial strength trash bags.
*At the local equivalent of Lowes or Home Depot, I get copies made of Son-Chu's keys. Trust me, this becomes important later.
*In Box 1 I put all the Relics of Fail and other artifacts of Christorical significance. Then I put Box 1 in Son-Chu (or whatever car is working.)
*In Box 2 I put the Life Upgrade and all the games to it that I'd like to try out myself. Then I put Box 2 in Son-Chu.
*In Box 3 I put all the toys. That goes into Son-Chu.
*In Box 4 I put whatever vidya and gadgetry I'm not interested, that I can sell for a quick buck. That goes into Son-Chu.
*Into the trash bags goes all of the soiled sex-toys, dirty tomgirl clothes and rubbish that isn't even worth pawning.
*The padded mailers and the manilla envelopes are for later.

=== Phase 2: Online ===

*I power up his computer and log onto each of his most frequented websites.
*While on Youtube, I change his settings to allow comments and responses, unblock everyone, then make a video apologizing for all the shitty things I've done, and tell everyone I'll be holding a Q&A session later on today, and everyone is welcome to participate.
** -- then I change his password.
*While on Facebook, I change everything to public, accept as many troll friend requests as possible, alert the Facebook massive to the Q&A Session...
** -- then I change his password.
*While on twitter, I make everything public, accept as many troll friend requests as possible, alert the twitter massive to the Q&A Session...
** -- then I change his password.
*For visit every relevant link in his favorites, changing the password and allowing unfettered access to anyone.
*I get into Bob's file cabinet and retrieve the autism papers and anything of Christorical interest. That gets put into a padded mailer (along with those Son-Chu car keys) and mailed to myself.
*I then compose 4 scathing letters and put them in the manila envelopes.
** -- One is addressed to Barb, and tells her how awful a mother she has been.
** -- One is addressed to Rocky Shoemaker and tells her how much she failed as a councilor.
** -- One is addressed to the judge who handled the court case, and is a tirade of islamic/nazi rhetoric and death threats peppered with mockery of how foolish he is for being so lenient to me.
** -- And finally, the last one is to Chris himself, telling him why he sucks so damned bad.
*Just to be on the safe side, I thoroughly empty my bowels again.
*Next comes the second round of "errands"

=== Phase 3: Dunging Out. ===

*I throw all the trashbags full of tainted sextoys and tomgirl clothes into a dumpster.
*I go to the local non-Snyder owned game store and sell off all the sellable games/consoles from Box 4, etc for cold hard cash. Anything that doesn't sell gets hocked at the local pawnshop.
*I go to the local Goodwill/Salvation Army and donate all the toys from Box 3.
*Boxes 1 and 2 stay in the car for right now.
*Then I go back to 14 Branchland and hold the Q&A session. Assuming I have full access to OPL's entire memory, I can answer honestly (as opposed to HONEST'n'TRUE) any question posed.
*After the Q&A Session, I then dump any data/media of Christorical interest to an online dropbox. Then I power the machine down, crack case, remove the harddrive, put the harddrive into a padded mailer and mail it to myself; so that my suite of data forensic software can recover any lost/deleted lulz hidden in slack.
*Then I call up a travel agent and book a one way trip to San Francisco.
*Just to be on the safe side, I thoroughly empty my bowels again.
*Right before I leave, I pin a large note to the wall of Chris's room. It reads as follows: "I've hidden The Life Upgrade, the controllers and all the games in different parts of the Hoard. If you want them back, You are going to have to start digging."

** -- Chuckle to myself.
*On the way to the airport I mail all the padded mailers and manilla envelopes.

=== Phase 4: Isolation ===

*I leave Son-chu in the farthest corner of the Airport Parking Lot, and fly to Frisco.
*On the way to Frisco, I keep myself amused by looking -- up on his iPhone -- addresses for the dankest Gay Bordellos in the Tenderloin district.
*Upon arrival, I get a taxi to said dank gay bordello. While in the taxi, I quietly slip his credit cards and drivers license/photo Id into a hidden nook inside the taxi, "losing" them. Then I wolf down an entire package of Ex-Lax.
*If I time this right, I'll arrive very close to midnight.
*Upon arrival at the Bordello, I hand the proprieter a huge handful of money and say "I want to hire your swarthiest, most muscular He-Whores for the next two hours."
** -- I tell the He-Whores: "Form a Conga Line and start taking turns porking this chocky starfish. I may struggle and pretend I don't want it, but its all part of the act. The Safeword is 'Artichoke Eclipse'. If you don't hear me say 'Artichoke Eclipse' then its safe to keep going. Here's my iPhone....film the whole thing!"
* Then at 11:59, I yell "Top of the World, Ma!" and prepare Chris to re-inhabit his own body.

=== Endgame ===

*While OPL is stranded in Frisco with no money and no ID. I should receive a bunch of interesting self-addressed padded mailers. One of which contains a copied set of keys.
*I then rent a car and head on down to Ruckersville.
*I park the rental car at the motel closest to the airport.
** -- Then I put on a fake spray tan, some gauche shades, and a shirt that reads "Clyde Cash"
*Then I head over there to collect Son-Chu.
*I drive Son-Chu from the Airport to the motel, transfer Boxes 1 & 2 to the rental car, and then drive Son-Chu back.
*I go back to the hotel, change, wash off the spray tan, and drive home.
*I become the most Epic of Weens. God Emporer of Weens. Privy to ALL the Hoarded Cocks. Forever.


TOP THAT SHIT!

Could you imagine CWC reading this shit GOLD?

He'd probably believe every single word and be more paranoid then ever.

He would do every thing he could not to be mind controlled and start sending out death threats to lol.

 

[Some JERK]

As someone mentioned, I think they usually ask some basic questions about what people think about the law and stuff before selecting jurors. While on the one hand, Chris has no opinion in regards to current events as he doesn't like "listening to the bad news," if they prodded him on some philosophical questions they'll realize that Chris has no idea what he's talking about. Plus he'd probably mention he's autistic and that would probably work against him.

If he somehow managed to get selected, I imagine he'd get dismissed or thrown off the jury for playing with his DS during the trial or fidgeting around.

Plus, nowadays a potential jurors' online presence is checked out. All it would take for the prosecution to get rid of him would be "Mr Chandler, could you please tell me what a 'Jerkop' is?"

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

I can't even get on jury duty because of the DANG DIRTY TROLLS.