What voice do you read the above Kiwi's posts in?

The scared cries of a woman who's about to be beaten because she overcooked the bacon again and he's drunk too early and you know how much he hates that bacon being overcooked Maggie oh God
 
The gruff voice of a disgruntled burly middle-aged cook as he's about to kick the kid's ass that was in charge of watching it.
 
high-pitched and pompous with a lot of "hah-hah-hawh"s and flourish
 
Like that guy JCS who narrates all those criminal psychology videos.
 
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