why are you still single - and general discussion of the dating game

[Judas Connor Moon]

Don't put myself out there.

 

[Michael Wade]

Ive been in a relationship for... 12 years? Technically 8 but we knew each other in high school.

I just... I cant stay with her on a rational level. I still love her but she has mental issues (non verbal learning disorder, maybe bipolar they cant seem to diagnose her.) and issues actually getting a job (cant even write up a resume and muster the effort to try) We dont have the same religious beliefs and she's unreliable when it comes to scheduling and communication. Plus she wants to travel a lot but gets bent out of shape and feels guilty when I pay money for her. She's self aware of her flaws and pushes me away even if she loves me too.

I think the thing that fucks me up is she was really on the upturn pre covid and it just destroyed her. She had a job, she was getting her shit together and then she was right back to square one because her parents tried to protect her and holy shit was that a mistake.

It just screws me up man. Forgive my power level but I am in a bad place. If this was the 1940s or whatever we could still make this shit work, but because we live in a society its just impossible. I know you gotta leave a sinking ship but she's the only woman ive ever been with and she's been faithful to me. Feels like im abandoning her and to top it all off im alone in the wilderness.

Honestly If I didnt want kids Id stay with her, but I do and I owe it to them not to screw them over.

 

[geckogoy]

Honestly If I didnt want kids Id stay with her, but I do and I owe it to them not to screw them over.

Based

 

[Kel1 shi1]

It just screws me up man. Forgive my power level but I am in a bad place. If this was the 1940s or whatever we could still make this shit work, but because we live in a society its just impossible. I know you gotta leave a sinking ship but she's the only woman ive ever been with and she's been faithful to me. Feels like im abandoning her and to top it all off im alone in the wilderness.

Tough love: If the situation was reversed she'd have already dropped you.

 

[Not A Bunny]

The last guy who dumped me did so in October. He claimed a particular reason, but I don't believe it. He claimed that he loved me that morning and then dumped me without a single whit of regret that night. We were together about four months, and he had previously stated that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but wanted to wait until we were together a year to propose. So, I was left hurting over that.

Since then, I've had three dates.

The first was a guy who after our first date texted me while I was traveling and jet-lagged. While I didn't think I was rude, I maybe sent an overly familiar message relaying that I was a bit cranky. He wrote back: "I don't know how to answer that. I just wanted to be supportive."

Motherfucker, I'm not looking for emotional support from a guy I just met.

The second, upon seeing me IRL said, "You are WAY out of my league". That didn't sit right, but I didn't walk out. He kept insisting that he wanted to be "accommodating" to me.

Motherfucker, we just met. I don't need you to bend your life around me because that's creepy and weird.

The thing I hate about guys like these - especially since they're middle-aged and should fucking know better - is that this is some serious "nice guy" shit. So, lesson for you youngsters. If you're leaning in emotionally heavily to someone that you've just met, it's a strong indicator that you're probably at some point later going to put yourself up on a cross because your partner hasn't shown enough appreciation to your liking.

So, number three? We met just before Christmas. He had things to do and places to go for the holiday and so did I. So we acted like (gasp!) normal human beings that just fucking met. Communicating when we could but not acting like it was a problem when we didn't. We go out for a date a week later. This guy isn't handsy or creepy or in any way untoward, so I have no fucking idea where his head is. Gives me a peck goodnight because we're both tired, so I figure he's not interested. And I'm okay with that, because hell, I'm fine with the idea that a guy can be nice without trying to get sex out of me, and isn't interested. It feels good, honestly, like there are nice guys out there, but this wasn't the one for me.

Then, the next night, he texts me, saying that he was hoping for more kissing. Err, okay. Maybe we just misunderstood each other, and he was being polite to me. Message continues and he says he wants to meet up that night - implication was to hook up. I rebuffed and he asked for the following night.

Fucking kill me.

First of all, I fucking hate it when guys assume I don't have plans, as if shit doesn't need to get done in my life. Second, so this guy was nice to me so I'd be amenable to hooking up? Okay, now I'm feeling way more depressed.

I've lost faith in the notion that guys want to exit the dating game as much as I do. So, now, if a guy is interested, the ground rules are: 1, back off if you're not looking for marriage and 2. no sex for 90 days. I'll introduce the second one gently, but these motherfuckers are going to have to learn how to slow their rolls.

 

[Kel1 shi1]

1, back off if you're not looking for marriage and 2. no sex for 90 days.

Enjoy your cats and wine.

 

[Not A Bunny]

Enjoy your cats and wine.

I mean, if men are going to emotionally bulldoze me and pester me for sex, those might be better alternatives, no?

 

[Kel1 shi1]

I mean, if men are going to emotionally bulldoze me and pester me for sex, those might be better alternatives, no?

For the men, yes.

 

[Michael Wade]

I mean, if men are going to emotionally bulldoze me and pester me for sex, those might be better alternatives, no?

I think no sex for 90 days is fine in all honesty, especially if your looking for someone legit. Frankly I would think a week at least. Admittedly dudes are way more fixated on that, and there is a very real worry that everything clicks but the sex.

Trust is just the main issue I think. I approached It as a friendship first and a relationship second. Don't know if that's common sense or not.

 

[Not A Bunny]

I think no sex for 90 days is fine in all honesty, especially if your looking for someone legit. Frankly I would think a week at least. Admittedly dudes are way more fixated on that, and there is a very real worry that everything clicks but the sex.

Trust is just the main issue I think. I approached It as a friendship first and a relationship second. Don't know if that's common sense or not.

Sure, thing is, when you're middle-aged, you'd think it would be less college-age bullshit. Like, okay, let's cut the crap, we don't have as much time on this earth as younger people looking for a relationship, least we could do as adults is cut the nonsense and be honest. I'm not a sex-on-the-first-date sort of girl, it took a couple of weeks at least.

Had someone told me up front that no one else thinks the way I do, I would have approached everything differently.

For the men, yes.

Dude, calling men emotional weirdos and sex pests isn't the win you think it is.

 

[Lord of the Large Pants]

Not sure. I ask women out on dates, most of them say no, a few of them say yes, and then the ones who say yes stand me up and ghost me.

Shit sucks.

 

[AbyssGazer]

It's interesting to spot the pattern in this thread. Many people (men and women) that list a long ass laundry list of things they need in their sweetheart from the ground up.

That approach is an autistic misunderstanding of how relationships work. People change during all of their lives, and evolve together. Not saying one shouldn't have integrity, but don't be set in stone either.

For example, I share few political values with my gf. Who cares? Fuck politics. I can't think of anything more pussy drying and dick shrinking than a couple debating each other about some current year nothingburger.

 

[DavidS877]

I've lost faith in the notion that guys want to exit the dating game as much as I do.

Plenty of men have managed to exit the dating game. They just don't bother to play it any more. I, for one, welcome our new AI Sex Robots.

Dating is like thermodynamics with one important variation.

1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. But you can quit the game.

 

[Picnic_Boy]

Ive been in a relationship for... 12 years? Technically 8 but we knew each other in high school.

I just... I cant stay with her on a rational level. I still love her but she has mental issues (non verbal learning disorder, maybe bipolar they cant seem to diagnose her.) and issues actually getting a job (cant even write up a resume and muster the effort to try) We dont have the same religious beliefs and she's unreliable when it comes to scheduling and communication. Plus she wants to travel a lot but gets bent out of shape and feels guilty when I pay money for her. She's self aware of her flaws and pushes me away even if she loves me too.

I think the thing that fucks me up is she was really on the upturn pre covid and it just destroyed her. She had a job, she was getting her shit together and then she was right back to square one because her parents tried to protect her and holy shit was that a mistake.

It just screws me up man. Forgive my power level but I am in a bad place. If this was the 1940s or whatever we could still make this shit work, but because we live in a society its just impossible. I know you gotta leave a sinking ship but she's the only woman ive ever been with and she's been faithful to me. Feels like im abandoning her and to top it all off im alone in the wilderness.

Honestly If I didnt want kids Id stay with her, but I do and I owe it to them not to screw them over.

You're a good man, chief.

 

[SomeSpook]

I just like being alone. It gives me more time to focus on improving myself rather than focusing on someone else.

 

[Lurker Child]

It basically means you have a nerd hobby that gives them an instant "ick" and dries them up in seconds.

I guess so. I just get really into things, wasn't sure if that's considered "obsessive" or not, but apparently girls don't seem to like that trait about me. Oh well, not my problem.

I think in these sorts of situations it's best to have a man who's a close friend as an observer to give you the postmortem. Reading a woman's testimony on her thoughts and decisions regarding men feels like peering into the Warp.

I think no sex for 90 days is fine in all honesty, especially if your looking for someone legit. Frankly I would think a week at least. Admittedly dudes are way more fixated on that, and there is a very real worry that everything clicks but the sex.

Trust is just the main issue I think. I approached It as a friendship first and a relationship second. Don't know if that's common sense or not.

To explain the sexual focus: there is a physical reality between a man and a woman by which a relationship is not secure until its physically secure. In other words: "She's not your girlfriend until you make her cum." - to put it crudely. This is why there's the fixation.
Personally, I agree with you. A man needs to go into a relationship with his eyes open, to think first. Recall the meme phrase: "My dick has led me places where I wouldn't even go with a gun." Sexual imperative is important, but a little foresight goes a long way.
Of course, as with any sort of rationality on women and romance, this causes problems. Be too careful and they'll take it as disinterest. To them, only dipping your toe in the water means you don't want to swim. There's a reason men are as stupidly forward as they are sometimes.

The thing I hate about guys like these - especially since they're middle-aged and should fucking know better - is that this is some serious "nice guy" shit. So, lesson for you youngsters. If you're leaning in emotionally heavily to someone that you've just met, it's a strong indicator that you're probably at some point later going to put yourself up on a cross because your partner hasn't shown enough appreciation to your liking.

I'm more shocked that the "nice guys" are that old. As you say, they really should know better. The "nice guy" shit should only be seen in teenagers and the inexperienced who, because they're men, are romantic and kind because they haven't had the natural sexual order of things beat it out of them.
Also I never understand why society says men should be "in tune and open with their emotions" or however they say it. Women have enough emotional bullshit to deal with. Whoever thought they'd want the man to chip in with his.

 

[Not A Bunny]

I'm more shocked that the "nice guys" are that old.

The thing that shocked me is how much of the dating scene comes off like dudes have never left college.

Like, just point me in the direction of where well-adjusted adults are looking for a serious relationship and I'll be there all the time.

I mean, I joke that guys my age that aren't married around where I live are not married for good reason (I get how that opens me up to criticism; I'm not a complete moron), but unlike them, I kind of just want to not have to date anymore. That's not some autistic compulsive desire for an end-state above all else; I want everything that comes with it: emotional security, sharing the bills, having the same kind of fun, coping with the bad shit. For the people I've been in relationships with since I got divorced, I was happy to throw down the work on most of that shit (sharing the bills really only happens in the move-in-together stage).

I honestly believed that when I started dating again, I wouldn't be the only person in the dating pool that felt this way, but I swear, sometimes it might just be that I am, and it's really fucking depressing to think about sometimes.

 

[Car Won't Crank]

The thing that shocked me is how much of the dating scene comes off like dudes have never left college.

Like, just point me in the direction of where well-adjusted adults are looking for a serious relationship and I'll be there all the time.

I mean, I joke that guys my age that aren't married around where I live are not married for good reason (I get how that opens me up to criticism; I'm not a complete moron), but unlike them, I kind of just want to not have to date anymore. That's not some autistic compulsive desire for an end-state above all else; I want everything that comes with it: emotional security, sharing the bills, having the same kind of fun, coping with the bad shit. For the people I've been in relationships with since I got divorced, I was happy to throw down the work on most of that shit (sharing the bills really only happens in the move-in-together stage).

I honestly believed that when I started dating again, I wouldn't be the only person in the dating pool that felt this way, but I swear, sometimes it might just be that I am, and it's really fucking depressing to think about sometimes.

Welcome to current day. We hope you enjoy your stay.

 

[Kel1 shi1]

Sure, thing is, when you're middle-aged,

Like, just point me in the direction of where well-adjusted adults are looking for a serious relationship

You missed the boat, now your dating pool is men who've still not worked how things work and relationship refugees. The same gender swapped pool I have. Except as a man I'm OK being free to do what I want and just having a dog. Or to put it another way, at kicking out time at a nightclub I wasn't desperate enough to hookup with an uggo or fatty and just go home and jerk off instead.

 

[Michael Wade]

It's interesting to spot the pattern in this thread. Many people (men and women) that list a long ass laundry list of things they need in their sweetheart from the ground up.

That approach is an autistic misunderstanding of how relationships work. People change during all of their lives, and evolve together. Not saying one shouldn't have integrity, but don't be set in stone either.

For example, I share few political values with my gf. Who cares? Fuck politics. I can't think of anything more pussy drying and dick shrinking than a couple debating each other about some current year nothingburger.

Yeah my girl was liberal but I didn't give a shit. It kinda bothered her but I didn't bring it up much and frankly she was one of those liberals who was actually well meaning and nice as opposed to being a hypocritical asshole. She was just ignorant of the big picture in my opinion and I could live with that.


I think the big deal breaker was religion. She wasn't even willing to humor me in terms of watching a movie or anything like that. Just wanted to have this kinda hippy spiritualism bullshit I guess? She wasn't obnoxious just... Limited I think in her ability to handle things.

To expand upon luker child's point. There's sort of a perception that good sex can magically fix anything. It cant, but it helps people bond and maybe in a sincere man there's an earnest desire to connect with someone in addition to simple lust. The problem is figuring out where the love begins and the lust ends. If we could have it our way most men would probably do it everyday till our bones hurt. Even the good guys have a real desire to make chicks happy physically.