I just wanted to get this off my chest for a long time, and I don't know where the fuck to post this.
I'm a zoosadist.
It began with my adolescence coinciding with the golden age of publicly available content on the DW (circa 2011-12) and soon, I was hooked to pretty extreme stuff. I started exploring the rabbit hole of the most vile shit I could find, and then I realized I was into a lot of it.
Basically, for nearly a decade, I had been getting off to zoosadism. I'm not exclusively into that stuff, but my thoughts would often wander even if looking at completely unrelated porn. Once I got a bit older, let's say 20, I started feeling really guilty and bad, and having flashbacks to forum posts I've read and videos I've seen. Only very large amounts of sedative-hypnotics and opioids helped to forget this, and I soon became a physically dependent junkie.
I've been clean for a while now and the flashbacks have come back. I can live with them, but it's not pleasant at all.
I have vowed not to look at zoosadist shit once again, but I think the only reason I might go through with it is because I have lost access to the sites hosting it, and I'm not dumb enough to join some sort of IM group.
Lastly, I know this will sound absolutely retarded and be considered mere nuances of degeneracy, but I want to distance myself from people who are into blood/snuff/gore. I just don't get that shit.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
People will harp on you, for obvious reasons, but I'd like to applaud your courage and strength to fight back against the claws of this dark and depraved obsession.
The Church teaches us that nobody is immune to, or safe from Satan's temptations. Even Christ was tempted (the person, though he felt no temptation, because of his divine nature) by the devil. Furthermore, it teaches us that there is no shame in sin, but sinning.
It's easy to look at someone who fucks dogs to death and hate them (and rightly so), but put yourself in the shoes of someone afflicted with this sickness. I get that most, if not all of these people are terminally ill, but it takes enormous balls to say it loudly, clearly, and without apprehension: I'm a zoosadist. Just the light that this can statement cast on your soul must be very cleansing.
And we must not forget that vice is only a symptom of a sick soul, and that vice always comes in bunches; cutting out one usually means replacing it with another. Once you're within the grasp of the claws of sin, it's so hard to get away. I sincerely empathize with you, friend, the hurt and pain must be unimaginable. And the damage is already dealt, it's an irreparable, irreplaceable part of you that will haunt and follow you for the rest of your days, and something you will have to battle every waking moment.
Keeping away from such an extreme and sick desire is proportionally difficult.
That you have made it thus far is to say you've completed a Herculean task. That isn't to say that all is done, but the sheer insurmountableness of what you've done so far is truly awe inspiring. I'm proud of you, anon, as much as it might be improper to say this to a zoosadist. I truly hope and wish you stay as strong and foreboding in your future. It's going to be a constant steep uphill battle, but we are all dealt the cross we are fit to bare. You're doing the best you can with the cards you've been dealt and that's more than what a lot of people can say of themselves.
I know you'll probably never be able to lead a normal life, and maybe that's some sort of justice in all this, but that's still no reason to give up entirely and just plunge yourself in the darkness.
I assume there's no support group type organization for zoophilia (or there might not be one in your area), but try maybe reaching out to other addiction support groups, the mechanisms for these illnesses is quite similar. It's important to have somebody keep you in check, and to know you can rely on somebody when things get rough (and they will, sooner or later). Truly, sincerely: get well, we're rooting for you.