# Sex Tips for Kiwis! Get Your Man/Woman/Hand in the Mood with these Easy and Fun Tips!



## Pikimon (Dec 7, 2017)

Since all of you are hopeless and loveless shit excuses of human beings who have never been outside to actually interact with real human beings and the thought of dying alone terrifies you (@AN/ALR56 ) here are some fun and easy sex tips to use to really get her/his/xer's good graces! 

For the intentions of this essay everyone will be referred to as "her" or "she" because there are no women on the Kiwi Farms.

*Attracting a Mate.*

Get her attention. Be loud and gaudy and in all other ways impossible to ignore. Most women/men don't really know what they want so as long as you're showing them something, they'll probably like it. The old advertising adage holds true for picking up women/men: there's no such thing as bad press.

Be persistent. Women like go-getters. If she seems uninterested, she's not just playing hard to get (though she probably is, that coy minx), she's testing your resolve. The more unwilling you are to give up, the more you can be sure she wants what you're offering.

Wear plenty of cologne. Just like in the animal kingdom, females are attracted by your musk. Only instead of pheromones you've got a bottle full of liquid engineered by science to make a woman's nethers tingle. If you use enough for her to smell you from across the room, then you won't even have to approach her. Just sit back and let the vixens be drawn to you.

Be aggressive toward other guys. All women want to be with the alpha of the pack, and there's no better way to show her that it's you than to put a few betas in their place. Remember though, you've got to be the one who initiates. Any pussy can finish a fight, but a real man shows that he can and will start one before trouble even arises

Get her drunk. We all know that she really wants to go home with you. She's just worried what her friends will say if she makes it too easy. Best way around that? Make her stop caring what her friends think by making her stop caring about everything. Just feed her sugary liquor until she's slurring a little, then make your play. Protip: buy the first drink in front of her and ask for top shelf stuff, then kindly offer to go to the bar for future drinks and get only well liquor. Does the trick and there's no way she's going to be able to tell the difference at this point.

 If she blocks you from her phone and facebook, she is tired of only talking to you on the internet and wants you to come over to her home immediately.
*The Act of Mating and Maintaining a Relationship*

Communication is key. Don't expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it.

Bargain for more than you want.. Tell her you've been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise!

Confessional orgasming. While she's going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she's nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she's the one you've chosen out of all of them.

Diamonds aren't always forever." Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you've changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in thy bedroom, do it all over again! lol ur not getting married nigga

Encourage her to get fit! Buy her lingerie that is two sizes too small, then change the label to her actual size. When it doesn't fit, mumble about how she used to be able to wear that size. She'll think twice about ordering dessert for months!

Everybody wants to be star. Discretely take some nude photos of her, and some video of her in the act if you can manage it. Post them online, but don't tell her. If you breakup later, send her a link to remind her of the good times you had.

Does she like sex a little rough? Good, then disrespect her breasts. Spit on them, smack them, give them dirty looks. Ask her questions like, "seriously, that's all you got?" and "You think you can feed my children with those shitty tits? Get real". This is guaranteed to make your woman scream.

Insert an ice cube into her vagina prior to sex and another ice cube during sex. Make sure to finish inside her and then whisper "Ice, Ice, Baby"

She's always wanted a threesome with her best friend but doesn't know how to ask for it or that she wants it. It's up to you to organize it and surprise her for her birthday. Make sure that she walks in on you two to really make it a surprise.

 If she calls you "Daddy" during sex, make sure to reciprocate by calling her "Mommy" and crying afterwards and during sex. Don't stop until you're finished. Alternatively you can also reply "good job, kiddo" and kiss her on the forehead. Afterwards say "I'm just going to run down to the store to get a pack of smokes." and never come back.
Insert an other tips you think can really help people!


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## AnOminous (Dec 7, 2017)

Word.


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## Begemot (Dec 7, 2017)

Pikimon said:


> Since all of you are hopeless and loveless shit excuses of human beings who have never been outside to actually interact with real human beings and the thought of dying alone terrifies you (@AN/ALR56 ) here are some fun and easy sex tips to use to really get her/his/xer's good graces!
> 
> For the intentions of this essay everyone will be referred to as "her" or "she" because there are no women on the Kiwi Farms.
> 
> ...


I'm quite sure there's a PUA unironically copying and pasting this right now to try and create a new red-pilled relationship column


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## WW 635 (Dec 7, 2017)

Pikimon said:


> Diamonds aren't always forever." Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you've changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in thy bedroom, do it all over again!


@DNJACK still does this to me and we're already married. Nothing keeps romance alive like knowing it could be inexplicably retracted at any given moment.


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## Pepito The Cat (Dec 7, 2017)

Alright! Followed every tip and now I'm in jail, dating some nigga named T-bone. It really worked!


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## RG 448 (Dec 7, 2017)

*THIS IS WHAT INCELS ACTUALLY BELIEVE*


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## Pikimon (Dec 7, 2017)

Pepito said:


> Alright! Followed every tip and now I'm in jail, dating so nigga named T-bone. It really worked!



I told you true love was real


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## Jeff Heaney (Dec 7, 2017)

Mate? What's a mate?


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## Unpleasant (Dec 7, 2017)

Jeff Heaney said:


> Mate? What's a mate?



I think it's what homosexual Australians call each other.


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## 💗Freddie Freaker💗 (Dec 7, 2017)

Why wear cologne? Your body naturally produces pheromones. Just get really sweaty and stop washing yourself. Showers are just a Jewish conspiracy to sell shampoo.


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## Black Waltz (Dec 7, 2017)

you could also go to prison, it's really easy to get laid there


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## m0rnutz (Dec 7, 2017)

Wanna fuck @Ido


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## Ido (Dec 7, 2017)

m0rnutz said:


> Wanna fuck @Ido



Ido too.


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## ICametoLurk (Dec 7, 2017)

A while ago there was a news article on someone who kept an autistic girl in his basement for sex and was able to cash in on her disability checks, just do that.


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## FierceBrosnan (Dec 7, 2017)

Ayyyyy this the hookup thread? 


Pikimon said:


> If she calls you "Daddy" during sex, make sure to reciprocate by calling her "Mommy" and crying afterwards and during sex. Don't stop until you're finished. Alternatively you can also reply "good job, kiddo" and kiss her on the forehead. Afterwards say "I'm just going to run down to the store to get a pack of smokes." and never come back.


6 out of 10 of my divorces started this way. I cannot recommend this tip more.


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## ES 148 (Dec 7, 2017)

Directions unclear, have joined ISIS.


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## UselessRubberKeyboard (Dec 7, 2017)

Thank you, Pikimon, for saving my life.


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## ToroidalBoat (Dec 7, 2017)

DATE ED: The Thread



Spoiler



(even though it sounds dated)


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## Jerry_ smith56 (Dec 7, 2017)

Girls just adore guys that still with their parents well into their 30s so that move out, Chris.


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## Tempest (Dec 7, 2017)

what about for women?


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## ES 148 (Dec 7, 2017)

Tempest said:


> what about for women?


Same things but with additional alcohol


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## Oglooger (Dec 7, 2017)

when will we get our designated bob and barb dolls?


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## CWCchange (Dec 7, 2017)

Unpleasant said:


> I think it's what homosexual Australians call each other.


Can @Dynastia confirm this?


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## Dane (Dec 7, 2017)

In my experience one tried and true trick that never fails is putting googly eyes on your dick and pretending it's her dad.


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## Hen in a tie (Dec 7, 2017)

Just read a hentai with a good story.


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## scared sheep (Dec 7, 2017)

_I can't believe you missed the most important part._

*You have to live it up.*

Start drawing furry porn. Open up a patreon. Draw furry porn for your patreon. Make thousands of dollars a month. Buy a motorcycle. An old Harley Davidson. Ride over to Null's house wearing a fursuit. Teach Null how to draw furry porn. Convert Null into a furry. Make thousands upon thousands with furry porn. Buy a cabin in Alaska. Move there with Null. Fall in love with Null. Teach Null how to be a good person. Adopt Dynastia. Rename them. Call them "Hope" and teach them how to be a good person. Start a furry commune in Alaska using your furry porn patreon income. Watch it grow. Create a new website call kiwifurms. It's about your new religion. Your furry lolcow religion. Preach at your furry commune. Start a cult. Have people donate their money to the furry church. Run off with that money and Null. Leave Hope to keep on preaching. Travel to Russia to start up another furry commune.

_Live it up a little, it gets all the bitches._


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## WW 635 (Dec 7, 2017)

Dane said:


> In my experience one tried and true trick that never fails is putting googly eyes on your dick and pretending it's her dad.


Pics or it didn't happen


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## WW 635 (Dec 7, 2017)

scared sheep said:


> Adopt Dynastia.


@Dynastia is not up for adoption


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## DNJACK (Dec 7, 2017)

Everyone likes danger sex.
Make sure you knives are sharp and stab a couple of them close to where you want to have sex.
Tell her she's "gonna get it" as you bring her there.


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## Staffy (Dec 11, 2017)

Pikimon said:


> Since all of you are hopeless and loveless shit excuses of human beings who have never been outside to actually interact with real human beings and the thought of dying alone terrifies you (@AN/ALR56 ) here are some fun and easy sex tips to use to really get her/his/xer's good graces!
> 
> For the intentions of this essay everyone will be referred to as "her" or "she" because there are no women on the Kiwi Farms.
> 
> ...




This is bullshit. There are more simpler ways than these "pro tips"


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## Pepito The Cat (Dec 11, 2017)

Never go ass to mouth. 

Never.


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## heymate (Dec 12, 2017)

Jeff Heaney said:


> Mate? What's a mate?


Hey, mate.


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## heymate (Dec 12, 2017)

If you ask a woman out and she says no, stab a ball point pen in her eardrum! She deserves to go deaf in one ear if she doesn’t want to date such a gorgeous hunk like you! She has _no right_ to think you’re not sexy!


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## drtoboggan (Dec 12, 2017)

Ok and now a serious one:

Rub her clitoris. That is all.


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## Ravelord (Dec 12, 2017)

drtoboggan said:


> Ok and now a serious one:
> 
> Grab her by the pussy. That is all.



FTFY


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## drtoboggan (Dec 12, 2017)

Ravelord said:


> FTFY


Thanks. Are we doing “phrasing” at all or is that just an Archer thing?


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## Pikimon (Dec 12, 2017)

Staffy said:


> This is bullshit. There are more simpler ways than these "pro tips"



tell us more


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## 💗Freddie Freaker💗 (Dec 13, 2017)

If your man is a Jew, try this fun tip for hanukkah. Instead of lighting up candles, light his dick on fire. It will make him feel like a smoking hot stud.


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## Varg Did Nothing Wrong (Dec 13, 2017)

Staffy said:


> This is bullshit. There are more simpler ways than these "pro tips"



Just how more simpler are they?


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## Dr. Boe Jangles Esq. (Dec 13, 2017)

Chloroform and baby oil, friends.
Chloroform and baby oil.


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## Staffy (Dec 13, 2017)

Varg Did Nothing Wrong said:


> Just how more simpler are they?





Pikimon said:


> tell us more




I just run towards and scream loudly at the girl, and then pin them down.


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## MangledTwot (Dec 16, 2017)

If you're with a girl, suckle on her tits and stroke her belly st the same time. Or suck on her neck and play with her tits. My last two partners really enjoy it (as do I.)


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## Fleeb (Dec 16, 2017)

Show her your Positive/Negative ratio on Kiwi Farms. If it's good enough, she'll be as wet as Niagara Falls


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## DNJACK (Dec 16, 2017)

Fleeb said:


> Show her your Positive/Negative ratio on Kiwi Farms. If it's good enough, she'll be as wet as Niagara Falls


bullshit. girls like badboys


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## wateryketchup (Dec 16, 2017)

the fact that some people need this shit written out for them lmao


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## 8777BB5 (Dec 16, 2017)

For heteromen after meeting her parents for the first time disguise yourself as her father and have wild sex with her mother. This will not only show you what she'll look like in twenty-thirty years but will also show you how she'll fuck and if she'll go crazy. WARNING: Before you do it, Make sure she doesn't have a fantasy Tumblr.


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## AnOminous (Dec 16, 2017)

PROTIP:  She/he/it/whatever can't say no if the roofies have rendered her/him/it/whatever unconscious.


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## polonium (Dec 17, 2017)

Having sex with women is for queers. You need to be a real man to wrestle a dude to the ground and penetrate him


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## Lurkette (Dec 17, 2017)

commit a school shooting because you were bullied (even if you weren't). god knows there's a necrophiliac school shooting worshiper _somewhere_ out there.


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## DatBepisTho (Dec 17, 2017)

Be yourself. Women love authentic too, even if it means you'll jump around flashing blue parts at her.


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## OhGoy (Dec 18, 2017)

i'll stick to jerking off, thank you


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## An Sionnach Seang (Jan 6, 2018)

Derek and Clive in 'Sex Manual' said:
			
		

> CLIVE: Now there's been a great deal of controversy surrounding clits.
> DEREK: Yeah, where is the clit? I think this has to be pointed out to the ordinary man, it is-
> CLIVE: The ordinary man in the street does not know where the fucking clit is.
> DEREK: It is under the left arm.
> ...





Spoiler: NSFW due to explicit content and swearing


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## 2al (Jan 6, 2018)

http://www.nzgirl.co.nz/life/10-thi...-partner-and-1-thing-they-really-really-dont/
https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/a3395g/are-new-zealanders-a-bit-crap-at-sex


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## Ketamine Kat (Jan 6, 2018)




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## scared sheep (Jan 6, 2018)

Fuck a woman who reads books.

Actually, cut out the middleman and fuck a book.

Stick ya dick between the pages

And fuck the book.


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## Spicy Hog (Jan 6, 2018)

Shits gotten so complicated lately, what ever happened to a good ole fashion date rape?


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## Fialovy (Jan 6, 2018)

Any website can be a dating site if you believe hard enough


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## Y2K Baby (Jan 6, 2018)

MangledTwot said:


> If you're with a girl, suckle on her tits and stroke her belly st the same time. Or suck on her neck and play with her tits. My last two partners really enjoy it (as do I.)


Lol, dyke.


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## Lurkette (Jan 7, 2018)

Something Vague said:


> Any website can be a dating site if you believe hard enough



even this one!
(but you'll be banned for having too much game)


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## Pikimon (Jan 7, 2018)

Lurkette said:


> even this one!
> (but you'll be banned for having too much game)



People on this website are not fit for reproduction


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## Fialovy (Jan 7, 2018)

Lurkette said:


> even this one!
> (but you'll be banned for having too much game)



I mean, it works, I met my boyfriend on Kiwi


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## Lurkette (Jan 7, 2018)

Something Vague said:


> I mean, it works, I met my boyfriend on Kiwi


have you achieved reproductive success yet


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## Fialovy (Jan 7, 2018)

Lurkette said:


> have you achieved reproductive success yet


That's none of your business


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## Lurkette (Jan 7, 2018)

Something Vague said:


> That's none of your business


you haven't achieved it have you


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## Nazi vegeta (Jan 8, 2018)

Something Vague said:


> Any website can be a dating site if you believe hard enough



You just gotta know how to weed out the trannies and youre gold.


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## ES 148 (Jan 10, 2018)

Spoiler: how to deal with someone who only ever teases


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## Gus (Jan 12, 2018)

Queue the professor for "Ma Blushin' Rosie" and dedicate it to whoever you're looking into.


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## Wraith (Jan 12, 2018)

If the person you are having sex with is German, a video camera, a step ladder, feathers, midgets, Barry White or Rammstein music (your choice) and a horse might be required. If she's blond and German, you'll also need a rake.


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## Len Kagamoney (Jan 17, 2018)

Wear a sports bra that says "Want Woman!"


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## PT 404 (Jan 17, 2018)

The best lube is a woman's tears. If those aren't available, use grapefruit juice and kosher salt.


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## Black Waltz (Jan 17, 2018)

Just kill yourself.


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## Ruin (Jan 17, 2018)

Take her roughly and despite her objections grab her right in the pussy. Trust me, I did it and I'm a billionaire and also the president of the United States.


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## FierceBrosnan (Jan 17, 2018)

Do everything the Indian ( loo not feather) guys on Facebook do. You'll be up to your panis in bitch lasagna in no time.


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## Red Hood (Jan 17, 2018)

FierceBrosnan said:


> Do everything the Indian ( loo not feather) guys on Facebook do. You'll be up to your panis in bitch lasagna in no time.


3 to tha 1 
to tha 1 to tha 3
I like good curry and I like vagene
eat bitch lasagna like you wouldn't believe
and i get more ass than a shitting street


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## Yamyam (Jan 17, 2018)

For all you lady kiwis


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