# Choose Your Own Guntventure



## soy_king (Dec 26, 2020)

It was late afternoon when Ethan awoke from under the pyramid of empty bottles of Maker's Mark and his mother's medication.


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## Retrodogkiller (Dec 26, 2020)

He spotted a lone, unopened four loko on May's table flat chest. "Perfect way to start the morning" he thought to himself crawling out from beneath the depths of last night's bottles.


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## Randy Lahey (Dec 26, 2020)

As he chugged the four loko, he thought it might be a fine day to venture forth into the city in search of some delicious garbage juice infused hamburgers.


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## soy_king (Dec 27, 2020)

Just as he was about to open the door to leave, however, he heard a muffled vibration coming from somewhere behind him.


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## Mundane Ralph (Dec 27, 2020)

To Ethan's surprise, it was the sound of his forgotten brother Evan's wheelchair.


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## AlexiTheTrucker (Dec 27, 2020)

Memories came flooding back of Ronnie Ralph screaming, "I should have had you aborted!" at Evan while Ronnie was raw dogging Ethan.


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## AgriDrThunder (Dec 27, 2020)

His asshole puckered as the echoes of butt rapes past washed over him like a massive Tsunami's wave, he began to sweat.


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 27, 2020)

To shake off the memories Ethan stretched, exposing the Gunt from his cheap fabric Killstream shirt that nobody bought "Ronnie?!? What the fuck!" He asked his retarded Brother.


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## FM Bradley (Dec 27, 2020)

"Hey, g...gg...Gunt," Evan struggled to spit out slowly, "How's your lotion working?"


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## Mundane Ralph (Dec 27, 2020)

"It's really helped cut down the rotten sourdough smell from the yeast growing in my folds; I just wish it did something about the smell from the alcohol sweats.", he replied.


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## kh0st (Dec 27, 2020)

"And the smell from your taint ... Does it still smell of canned octopus?" Inquired Evan


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## TriggerMeElmo (Dec 27, 2020)

"IT'S NAWT TROO" replied Ethan. Firmly frustrated, he looked down at his KiwiFarms thread and then took a swig of his Coca Cola bottle that was mixed with Maker's. "Gator, handle these callers" he said while realizing he wasn't even on air.


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## Randy Lahey (Dec 27, 2020)

Suddenly, the Force Ghost of Gator (who had suck started a shotgun when he realized that Ethan would never love him back) appeared before him.


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 27, 2020)

Ethan Shouted "GAYDUR?!?!" the force of the oldfag appeared behind him, which could have been a hallucination of a binge saying "hey buddy. Get help."


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## Fromtheblackdepths (Dec 27, 2020)

"Which is what's going happen in the next few hours, you're going to be visited by three spirits."


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## Cucktry Roads (Dec 27, 2020)

Ethan shook his head, trying to clear his head as this was a usual effect of the hangover he'd get from mixing whiskey, coke, and xannon.


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## Crystal Golem (Dec 27, 2020)

"A bit of undigested pills perhaps, nothing more."  Ralph consoled himself as he sunk back down into Maker's induced slumber all the while the clock on the wall ticked into the late hours.


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## Cat Phuckers (Dec 27, 2020)

Ralph's rest was soon interrupted once more as the trademark West Memphis gang shootouts awoke him from his deep Maker's Mark-induced slumber. His head perked up and he saw a ghostly faceless man standing over the side of his leaky water mattress. The mystery man, a mere specter of a cheerful and nostalgic past, sported a baseball cap with four white stars and one gray star. His voice was a lot more gravelly than Ralph remembered, although Jim probably noticed the same in Ralph. The both of them had changed so much since they'd last seen each other all those years ago.
Ralph, with tears streaming down his greasy red cheeks, in an almost infantile voice shouted "Daddy Jim? Is that you? You've finally returned from the gas station after all these years with those cigarettes you love so much? I'm so glad to see you... I always knew you'd come back father."
Jim's face remained foreboding and stone-cold, as if he was not there to catch up with Ralph, but instead to be the bearer of rather unpleasant news.


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## MeltyTW (Dec 27, 2020)

Jim put his hand on the side of Ethan's disconcertingly massive head, and sliding into the greasy newspaper blanket with ethan craned his head to his ear and whispered "just call me papa ronnie ralph, dont fight it" with his thumb poised menacingly above ethan's rosebud.


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## FM Bradley (Dec 27, 2020)

Thinking quickly, Ethan stammered, "Uh..b-but WAIT A MINUTE, JIM, NOOOOO...you have to read superchats first...right?"


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## Meckhlorde (Dec 27, 2020)

Jim paused for a second, after all how else was he to scrounge up the money to feed Jade this week. Unfortunately for Ethan however, Jim recalled his special "Groom me harder Daddy" sale on his hats, thus rendering the former problem moot.


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## Lame Entropy (Dec 27, 2020)

Ethan, in a brief moment of clarity, decides to sacrifice some of his precious lemons and throws some shekels at a distance.
Jim absconds.
Ethan thinks "Maybe some fresh air will do me some good". He tries to calm his nerves as he smokes some cheap cigars.

Before the nicotine can fully have its calming effect, he sees the silhouette of a woman in the distance.


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## Fromtheblackdepths (Dec 27, 2020)

"Is this the second spirit that will haunt me?"


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

The figure turns and gazes at Ethan, piercing him right through what was once his soul. "Butter," she whispers, and Ethan starts to sob at the memories of what was and the memories that will never be.


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 27, 2020)

The Figure was none of than his one True love, Nora. Nora is now healthy and became the spirit of Gunt's past, "Ethan, look at you. Unfetching." Ethan spreged "What the Fuck nora! You know who I am!?!" As he spreged tears went down his eyes "why did you leave me!"


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## World Star (Dec 27, 2020)

"I left you because I knew where you were heading. A place I cannot, will not join you." As she spoke her figuire became hazier and was slowly phasing out existance.
As Ralph blinked and tried to adjust his vision it slowly dawned on him that Nora was never really there instead he was talking to his own mishaped deformed hand. 
Which now clenched tightly a newly aquired flintlock blackpowered pistol.
Yet even with this new form, from the barrel faced towards him it spoke in the voice of his most beloved deciple.
*"Ethan Ralph it's me, Gator."*


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 27, 2020)

"My old friend gaydur. Didn't you just came here before Jim and Nora?" The barrel of the pistol began to move like it was talking Gaydur said "Buddy, you need to stop. You have a court case about Xander Matt." Ethan seethed about the name, it was named after his two Sworn Alogs, Alexander and Matthew.


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

The Gaydur-pistol grinned a little, as if it were taking some small perverse pleasure in the act of saying aloud the forbidden names of the Sworn A-logs.


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## BadGoy1488 (Dec 27, 2020)

The figure that approached him,became visible, it was indeed Shannon.
"Gator!?" Ethan exclaimed, pulling himself together. "Why are you here?, I just spoke to you on tonight's killstream ™. Are you truly dead? It's not true!" He continued, while looking through his empty bottles, hoping to find a swig of makers mark.

"Ralph, it is me, it is Gator." " You are not to be visited by three spirits this night, but many ....almost as many as the kind you drank last night....again." Gator motions behind him, many shapes appear off in the distance. "Allow me to introduce someone who has something to say to you." Gator said summoning a spiritual sound board.

A button is pressed. The phrases "you've been deflecting this whole time" and "no I don't think that's true" are uttered. After this low effort introduction, a yellow spirit approaches next to Shannon.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

The yellow figure was a man that has been gone for over a year and the man who Ralph desperately wanted back on the show. Ralph could not believe his eye's at first but he finally understood who the yellow figure was; it was the Bhutanese butcher, Zidan.


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 27, 2020)

"LOOK AT THEM FLABS!" the Bhutanese butcher shouted. "We shall look at this ball of the Gunt's past and the ball Glowed Blue and they were transferred into the August 12th 2018.

"MATT NOOO MATT NO!" The thinner Ralph shouted into his computer "this was..." Ethan mumbled "Yes, the day you became famous."


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

Ethan turned to the glowing yellow Zidan and asked "Can I stay here and live forever in this moment?" and he heard only "Fuck no, that's what you've been doing for two years faggot" in reply.


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## fke666 (Dec 27, 2020)

Then the lube came out.


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## World Star (Dec 27, 2020)

Ralph went on his hands and knees a curled into a ball at the feet of Zidan and started to cry. 
"Please I'll do anything. This was the last memory I had of when I was truely happy. Before Miami happened."


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## Cow Poly (Dec 27, 2020)

"I'm not a fagget," bellowed the bhutanese butcher...put that away...
"Where've u been Zidan?" Ethan exclaimed...did you finally get that pack of cigarettes?


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

Zidan let out a disapproving chuckle, looked the gunt in the eye and said "I guess I'll have to come out and tell you what the whole Alt-Right figured out all by their retarded selves: you and Shannon got too fucking gay for me to stay"


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

Zidan then told Ralph "I moved on with my life Ethan. I never told you this but I am working for Google. As a company, they are legit shit but hey it's a comfy job with a decent salary. After stream.me was destroyed by your drunken rage, my manager approached me with a promotion to work in Japan. I only told you I was on a business trip in China to give the audience content since you were never able to provide decent content".


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

"B-b-b-but I told all of the a-logs on Brokedick Farms that you'd be back, sooner than they think!" Ethan wailed.

"Yeah, and Bibble told everyone that Jim would be on his D&D stream. You used to read threads for content faggot," Zidan retorted.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

In that moment, Ralph, in a very drunken rage, tried to choke the spirit of Zidan but ended up falling on the floor.


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

Even if Zidan were corporeal, he would have been in no danger as Ethan's midget-esque arms could never come close to reaching past his diseased guntflesh.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

Zidan then faced Ethan, who had fell on top of old Xanax bottles and Maker's Mark bottles, and said "lol good luck faggot it looks like you have a brown spirit awaiting you". The yellow spirit then vanished while laughing at Ethan.


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

At that moment, Ethan felt a tap on his shoulder. Jim had returned. "I read the last superchat, Ethan, and now a reckoning is coming"


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

In a moment of quick thinking, Ralph reached into his pocket and took out an old pack of cigarettes and a "Cuban" cigar and threw it at Jim.


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## Randy Lahey (Dec 27, 2020)

But in his drunken stupor, Ralph realized that he had actually just thrown his greasy meth pipe at Jim’s spirit!


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

"Well, it's not gonna make the cancer any worse now is it?" asked Jim, rhetorically.


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## Lame Entropy (Dec 27, 2020)

Finally noticing that Ethan's cries are more than his usual drunk ramblings, May decides to interrupt her precious loli poster admiration to come out and see what all the commotion is about.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

May gasped as she saw the spirit of Jim. She asked Ethan who the spirit was and Ethan told her it was Jim. The instant May heard this, she started to fan girl at the fact that she laid eyes upon the elusive James O'Shannassy.


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## L. Duse (Dec 27, 2020)

"I am going to bugger him, Ethan!" May said. "If you want a threesome, come join in."

"THIS IS A NOBLE COMPROMISE!"


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

"So, you tried to become a teacher. I like to get close to children too, big guy" panted May.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

Jim was confused as to what gender May was. He could not tell if it was a male or female.


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## instythot (Dec 27, 2020)

May tried to resolve the issue by striking a pose in a Wal-Mart bikini, but this only served to sour the mood, sexually.


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## L. Duse (Dec 27, 2020)

As for Ralph, he tried to join in but his member is so small and so hidden within his gunt that he could not bonk standing up. 

So he decided to do some dirty talk saying, "I like to get close to children too. I like high schoolers who just graduated." 

That served to sour the mood more.


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## Retrodogkiller (Dec 27, 2020)

Jim started live streaming the whole ordeal and began blasting his intro songs from spectral speakers. Giggling like a mad man as he began describing may and Ralph's disgusting Visages to his audience.


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## L. Duse (Dec 27, 2020)

Which was sadder? The fact that Ralph and May's uncovered and malformed figures they call bodies are in full view? 

The fact that Jim's face was still unseen despite him literally fucking around with Ralph and May? 

Or the fact that all of the money from the stream superchats are going to Jim, with May and Ralph not getting a cent despite the humiliation?


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## LordofCringe7206 (Dec 27, 2020)

Ralph, angered over the humiliation he was receiving by somebody he thought was his friend, ran to his computer to do what he thought would own the haters.


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## The Demon Baby (Dec 27, 2020)

After sending several tweets that, like, totally pwned Jim, Ethan felt that his work for the day had been completed and decided to relax by meeting up with Gator down at the local Glory Hole.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 27, 2020)

Gator had witnessed Ethan's actions through Jim's stream and Gator asked Ethan what Jim was like? "What did he smell like? What did he wear? Was he good looking?" asked Gator.


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## Cow Poly (Dec 28, 2020)

"why did you leave me?" the pig demanded.
"It was the night you turned your back and betrayed me," said Zidan.
"I did all this work to get Jesse Lee Peterson on the show....and you treated it like you didn't care...you never seem to care about any of your guests  ....then to add insult to injury, someone "hacked" Andy's stream key and was spamming porn on Andy's channel. You cut away from _MY_ interview to cover something gay. That was the last straw Ethan, you fat fucking fagget nigger pig!"


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 28, 2020)

"IM SORRY!!" Ethan used his little pudgy arms to swing at Zidan, and but he fell on the ground, vomiting in disgust. Zidan vanished from this pitiful sight, once he woke up in the pool of his own Vomit he was visited by another spirit, this spirit that showed up was quite a shock, it was Lane "Seattle4truth" Davis, covered in a orange jumpsuit and chains. He said "I guess I'm the spirit of Gunt's present."


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## Randy Lahey (Dec 28, 2020)

As Ralph gazed in horror at the spirit, he suddenly thought he was nowhere near shitfaced enough to handle all this. So he reached into the folds of his many auxiliary gunts and produced an entire liquor store’s worth of Maker’s Mark.


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 28, 2020)

Lame shook his head and he pushed the gunt and said "let me show you what your missing out being a drunk." He tapped his gunt and showed van der taking his first steps to....Andy Warski. Andy has cleaned up and became a good dad and a son in law that Matt Vickers would be proud of.


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## instythot (Dec 28, 2020)

And with that, the ghosts of Rand and Sargon's unborn children appeared above Warski and stated "without you as a father Ethan Ralph, Young Xander will be the first child of a streamer with a chance at life"


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## FM Bradley (Dec 28, 2020)

"...f...FAWK YEAH, look at my ...k...ki...ki...BABY," Andy stammered, holding the baby out for the Gunt to behold--before suddenly stumbling and dropping the child on its head.


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## WhimsicalTrolli (Dec 28, 2020)

Gunt screamed "NOOOO!!" And he woke up outside of an arbys, panting heavily and he ate a trash burger to calm his nerves and he stretched loudly "THATS NAWT TRUUUUU".


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## FM Bradley (Dec 28, 2020)

"Waitaminit," Gunt whispered, realizing it had all been a dream, "Mah baybuh's deyed?  MUH BAYBUH DAAHED?!? YEEEEEHAW EVERYONE, MAH BAYBUH DIED!  THAT LITTLE CAWKSUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT FUGGIN' DAAAAHD!  IT'S A GUNTSMAS MIRACLE!! A FAIR AN' NOBLE COMPRIMISE FROM OUR LORD AN' SAAAVIOR JESUS CH--"

Suddenly, the Gunt heard the gentle jingle of a sack of rare coins...


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## instythot (Dec 28, 2020)

Gonzalo Lira was also behind the Arby's, desperately trying to convince women a third of his age that the coins he got in his change were rare collectibles.


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## naught (Dec 28, 2020)

Behind an Arbys In an alcoholic stupor Ethan Ralph smiled at the Arbys wrapper, "I'll sign my name in cum on this wrapper, do you even know who I am?" Ralph bloviated picking a burger out of the bin and taking a bite.

Out of the corner of his eye folds Ethan Ralph spotted the body of a dead hooker, he had taken the life of a lady of the night.
The guilt manifested in the form of a dream of the demon baby dying.
"Even when I'm dead, this'll continue weather I want it or not. I'm going to own these alogs." Ethan said as he instinctively waited for gator to respond


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## World Star (Dec 28, 2020)

But there was no response for Ethan was all alone.
However in the distance he could he the sounds of sirens blaring and he knew that he would no longer be alone for much longer.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 28, 2020)

Out of options, Ralph tried to come up with a solution. He pondered for a few minutes and decided the best course of action was to play dead so that the cops would leave him alone.


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## instythot (Dec 28, 2020)

"Jesus Christ, Baked, you sure got fat" announced Sammi


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 28, 2020)

Ralph is then awaken by the sound of Sami and let out a large "it's naaaaawwwwwt truuuuuuuuueee".


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## TwoDollarPeePeePooPoo (Dec 28, 2020)

Meth pipes, trash burgers and bottles of bottom shelf whiskey started spilling out of Ethan’s pockets. An entire month’s worth of lemons was spoiled.


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## Blackhole (Dec 28, 2020)

Ralph looked in horror as he realized his reserve beer pack was missing from the fridge,meaning he'd have to go _outside_ and buy more alcohol...


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## instythot (Dec 28, 2020)

While living in his mother's crack shack, Ethan had learned that he was unable to ask if the delivery driver knew who he was, and that who he was would inevitably be leaked to the local antifa. Unfortunately for Ethan this meant that he needed to get his own liquor in these coofing times.


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## Shakka Ahmose (Dec 29, 2020)

Ethan got into his Nissan and went to the local liquor store owned by the Arabs that don't like him. As Ethan entered the store, the owner laid eyes upon Ethan and could immediately tell that he was going to do something very dumb.


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## High Tea (Dec 29, 2020)

After checking to make sure the ammo was close at hand and the cops were on speed dial, the owner braced himself for what certainly would be the worst customer of the day.


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## Victim2988 (Dec 29, 2020)

When the black female cop entered the scene, she found Ethan collapsed in a pile of cheap thai blend malt; "he's sleeping madam'", yelled the arab shop owner, "don't touch him, he's a bad man, really bad man"; Shante'y take the 9mm Glock out of its holster "God, please help me".


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## Randy Lahey (Dec 29, 2020)

While he was passed out, some kids walked into the liquor store and stole Ralph’s wallet. As he woke up, he now knew that he might have to do some greasy shit in order to get liquor money.


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## TwoDollarPeePeePooPoo (Dec 29, 2020)

“It’s not troooooo” Ralph yelled as he awoke from his slumber. The startled policewoman panicked and let off several rounds into the gunt. Unfortunately, they had no effect on Ethan as they bounced right off and ricocheted around the room. Both the police and the arab fled in terror out of the store as bullets bounced off the walls, ceilings, floor and back off the gunt.


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## thismanlies (Dec 29, 2020)

When the commotion died down, Ralph heard a voice call to him. "It's me Ethan, your Gunt. I have protected you with my satanic powers."


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## soy_king (Dec 29, 2020)

"Why do I need your protection," Ethan snarled to the Gunt. "I'm hood rich!"


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## Lame Entropy (Dec 29, 2020)

"Ethan, your sacrifice to the corn has brought the demon baby to life but it was not enough to save you. I only have enough power left to bring you this final warning " said the Gunt.
It was in this moment that Ethan felt a deep sense of foreboding. Images of lost court cases, jail time, rape, de-platforming, and horrifying tweets from aylogs flashed through his mind. 
Ethan grasped his head in agony as the horrible images consumed him.
"I know what I have to do now", Ethan said resolutely as he picked up a bottle of Maker's Mark before stepping out of the liquor store.


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## instythot (Dec 29, 2020)

With a copy of Apologizing for Dummies in hand, Ethan waited at his parole officer's door for the holidays to end so he could ask for permission to apologize abroad and in person.


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## World Star (Dec 29, 2020)

Ethan stood there silently for hours in the cold as he waiting for his officer to open the door.
Finally at 9 o'clock in the morning the door opened and he looked up at his parole officer who towered over him at the hieght of 5 foot 10 a whole 9 inches taller than Ralph.
Before he could begin to recite the appogy in his head the officer spoke, "Oh Ralph there you are it's been hard keep tabs on what you've been upto since your kiwi thread was locked and the creation of the Gunt board. Why are you here instead of spending the holidays with your family or your new inlaws?"


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## instythot (Dec 29, 2020)

Ethan wanted to ignore the question as if it were a particularly insulting superchat, yet he couldn't; a man who had the power over his freedom was eagerly awaiting a polite answer.


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## TheBeanz (Dec 29, 2020)

"Whu...what, it's nawt tru officer, I'm just about to go visit my mawmaw" Ralph mumbled, looking down at the floor.


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## FM Bradley (Dec 29, 2020)

The officer sighed.  "I handled your father Ronald when he got in trouble, I'm handling you, and I'll probably handle that bastard in the butt of that teenager in California one day.  Ralph ralph ralph so much Ralph it's like a Roman Vomitorium or backstage at a Nickelodeon TV show.  I tell ya what...if you can go the day without getting into mischief...I will let you go to DC.  Deal?"


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## World Star (Dec 29, 2020)

Ralph started to sweat like he had just went on another 5 minute hike.
"O-of course sir, I have been and will be on my best behavior."
Ralph bowed before the giant before him, the appogy he was here to give to the man had completly disappeared from his mind.
"Now if that would be all could you explain to me why are you still covered in trash? It's awfully early in the morning to be eating burgers even for you," the parole officer posed with smug grin.


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## TheSimpShow (Dec 29, 2020)

"I wasn't here for trash burgers, sir, I was here for a more nutritious meal, I'm here to eat your ass officer" Ethan lifted a pinky to his upturned lip, a sexual grimace shot across his face like a streak of semen splattered along a dirty motel mattress.
"They said you were a silver-tongued rogue, I only hope that this tongue of yours is as velvety as your grizzled gunt-flesh" the officer dropped his belt and slacks. "Dinner time, my boy" He proclaimed, spreading his cheeks like the opening of a telephone book.


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## instythot (Dec 29, 2020)

"I hope you don't mind SIR," drawled Ethan, "but I just gotta take a sniff first" as he buried his nose in the starfish presented before him. While should have been as happy as the pig he was in the shit he was smelling, Ethan could only sadly imagine that it was the pinkest rosebud he'd ever seen, once, back in the stream.me days.


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## TheBeanz (Dec 30, 2020)

instythot said:


> rosebud


Ralph said, staring into the pink mass before him as if staring into the abyss itself. The rosebud stared back.


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## Harlan Wick (Dec 30, 2020)

It was at that point his parole officer got fed up with Ralph's drunken bull shit and cracked out his trusty asp.


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## instythot (Dec 30, 2020)

"Ethan," announce the long-suffering corrections worker, "if even half of just one of the dozens of random emails about you I get every damn day is true, you've been making me look like a fool for nigh on a year. Buckle up, SON"


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## Harlan Wick (Dec 30, 2020)

Something sparked in the alcohol soaked sponge Ralph calls a brain and his body threw up his hand in defense while he cried, "I fought in Gamergate!".


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## instythot (Dec 30, 2020)

"You were on the front lines of Gamergate? You're lucky that as an officer of the law, I swore an oath not to beat faggots or retards," snarled the long suffering and world weary parole officer.


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## Skeletor (Dec 30, 2020)




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## FM Bradley (Dec 30, 2020)

"Don't you  me, little man," the corrections officer seethed, "There's a lot of people gunning for Levon and Jamal spitroasting you and I can make that happen."


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## Harlan Wick (Dec 30, 2020)

Sadly this didn't register with the Gunt, as the dopamine and adrenaline spike had lulled him into a shallow coma.


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## instythot (Dec 30, 2020)

As had been customary for some time, as he lost his grip on the waking world, he heard these words echo through his head: "Ethan Ralph. It's me. Gator"


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## High Tea (Dec 30, 2020)

Horror shuddered through Ralph, rippling through the folds of his gunt.  The Ghost of Metokur - I mean Gator - waited patiently as the minutes ticked by.  The jiggling flesh slapping echoing through the ages, breaking the sound barrier and smashing the time space continuum.  Gator looked around, thinking to himself, 'This is going to be a hell of a mess to sweep up tonight',


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## instythot (Dec 30, 2020)

"And me without my mop or my broom," thought the fat man with the imaginary girlfriend, "can I possibly handle this job with paper towels? No. That's insanity"


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## TheSimpShow (Dec 31, 2020)

And with that, Shannon "Gamer Gate" Gaines hurriedly pawed at Ethan Oliver Ralph's stained sweatpants, tackling him to the ground he tore at the elastic strapping until they snapped, revealing two bulbous, grizzled gunt-like cheeks, to which he spread open like a telephone book. "It's dinner time, my liege" he proclaimed soundly, before hungrily eating Ethan Oliver Ralph's ass. Ethan Oliver Ralph the sole host of the Killstream podcast, and the proprietor of The Ralph Retort had his ass eaten many a times like this, for his manservant Shannon "Gamer Gate" Gaines was a man of cleaning, a pipe cleaning man.


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## instythot (Dec 31, 2020)

"Rake that muck, Gator" mumbled the half conscious legitimate journalist. Standing uncomfortably in the shadows were all the current and prior Killstream hosts. Only Flamenco, even though John Michael Kelley was also present, was autistic enough to ignore social norms to ask the question they were all wondering: "techinally, is this rape? I'm not sure if he can enthusiastically consent"


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## FM Bradley (Dec 31, 2020)

Flam's autistic mooing was for naught, as the only depictions of sex Gator had seen were in Japanese cartoons, rendering the concept of "consent" an abstraction...


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## tantric_depressive (Jan 1, 2021)

I figured this was as good of a thread as any to post my unfinished gunt art. Goddamn is playing with all the assets in this thread addictive.
lol, I just realized Ralph looks like a double-fisted ventriloquist dummy right there.


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## Randy Lahey (Jan 1, 2021)

Feeling bored with his current situation, Ralph reached deep within the folds of his gunt and pulled out an 8 pound crack rock to partake in.


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## HarveySperg41 (Jan 1, 2021)

Then Ethan had an idea; maybe he could sell his crack rock to some ghetto folk so he could purchase more alcohol.


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## Harlan Wick (Jan 2, 2021)

The Gunt's conscience spoke up at that point and started in about how such an action would only ruin his life further.  This sparked Ethan's self loathing and he screamed at himself "Do you know who I am?".


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## instythot (Jan 2, 2021)

The conscience of the gunt hadn't spoken to Ethan in decades and replied "Yes, but do you know who _I_ am?"


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## zyclonPD (Jan 2, 2021)

The Gunt now rumbling from it's slumber like an eldritch horror began to below at Ralph, "What foolishness is this that you keep partaking in Ethan? Dare not endanger the flow of the Chinese lemons with your illegal antics. Without a steady stream of sustinance I will be forced to devour you, my host, to maintain myself. Remember you don't just carry That Gunt, you are held captive by it!"


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## Harlan Wick (Jan 3, 2021)

This strange body politics was starting to scare Ethan. Rather than deal with the mess his life has become he just rolled over and started searching for anything to shut up the voices in his head. As Ethan was crawling through his own filth he noticed Gaytor was standing over him with a unreadable look on his face. "What's up Gator?", was all Ethan could slur.


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## milk (Jan 3, 2021)

Ethan Ralph will somehow end up in a wheel chair, then must compete against ghostpolitics for shekels. The cause will either be; legs rotted off from substance abuse, diabetes or "something" will happen to him in prison.


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## Victim2988 (Jan 3, 2021)

It's raining on the Vatican. This dark day of januari, a strange man climb into a black mercedes limo waiting in front of a small, hidden church. 
-Good day Monsignore, I hope you didn't wait for..
-Cut the crap Angelo, I'll met the Pope in one hour. Just tell me what you know about it and if there is some truth in what the signs are telling us.
- it's... I think it's back, your highness. I have found something that confirms...
- I can't believe it! Santa Maria, the angels and all the saints, don't tell me you have proof of that nonsense! We threw the beast back in the limbs 400 years ago and closed down the gate. It's impossible that.. 
- GUNT, shouted the strange man, his name is The Gunt. Look at this, it's all over internet. And he already got a young girl pregnant. If we don't act now the whole world is in danger. We can't allow this infamy Monsignore, you have to tell him! You have to!
- yes, yes, you're right. I will show your findings to François. He will listen to me. I... I have to stop this. 
His voice was trembling.
- What was the name of this website you showed me again?
- kiwi farms Monsignore, kiwi farms. 
- good. Now go back to your mission. The process has begun. That gunt that... Monstruosity. We will take care of it. It's the will of God. 
-The will of God Monsignore. 
The rain stopped and a bright sun appeared behind saint Peter's cathedral.


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## instythot (Jan 3, 2021)

In the dimmest recesses of the Vatican's most restricted archives, a pale and frightened middle aged Italian was laboriously translating from Aramaic and cross referencing what he once thought were shitposts. 

"And the demon child will be christened in mockery after the closest to Christ."

Opening up and refreshing the gunt board, "the Demon Baby, *Matthew* Alexander Vickers," was sorted to the top by the recent and possibly divinely inspired activity of a known schizoposter. The middle aged Italian felt a chill right through his frock.


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## Harlan Wick (Jan 3, 2021)

The padre shuddered at what had to be done next. His life and soul had been dedicated to this day but he never thought he would live to see this day. Getting up he made the sign of the cross as he walked over to the phone and entered a number from memory. On the third ring a old sleepy voice answered the phone and the padre laid out the evidence that he had found. The padre felt a moment of doubt as the other party was silent for a long time, then the voice croaked and he was both relieved and horrified at what was said.


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## BlueArmedDevil (Jan 3, 2021)

"I shall report this to the council but we must stay the course if the prophesy of the Gunt Born is to be fulfilled." The raspy voice leaked out of the speaker and wormed it's way through the Padres mind. Was it his imagination or did the voice at the other end sound like it was speaking in some underground chamber?


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## tantric_depressive (Jan 3, 2021)

After inviting Ralph to an Australian Shitpoaster's Pool Party, he got handsy with the wrong based wignette princess. As he lays there, bloody and unconscious after getting shanked & ganked, you must carefully choose the next step to help Ralph without burning your autright-ally bridges :


Spoiler: Rand's Dilemma


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## Victim2988 (Jan 4, 2021)

Boston, 4 of January.
Reverend O'Saughnessy lighted one more Camel. No filter.
- Ah! You mean the Council want my guys to drive you to the south? Can't the holy spirit fix a fucking driving license to his footsoldiers? Haha *kof*
Angelo wasn't amused. Mortals modern bureaucraty wasn't something he had time to care of. And he didn't like that nearly dead preast. But in that time of need, he shouldn't be too picky. 
- I need an escort. Guntguards can be waiting for us everywhere. And I don't want to use my powers before I first see the beast. 
- Ha! Just hope that it will not happen at a karaoke bar hahaha *kof* *keeeeuuf* *kof*
- can I trust your men? The "sweet platoon" or whatever they call themselves? 
- Only the best your gracious servant of the lord Ah! Real-IRA, Irish navy seals, minecraft-players. No trannies. All vets from the war on furries. You can also take the chinese troll in the cage behind you. She bites, but she's immune against the coof. Can be usefull. Maybe *kof*
- I should waste no time. Tell them to pick me after the office. I take the troll, maybe she can cook for us. I have to thank...
- Angelo, before you go, can the big man help me with... My little problem? 
- He can't. You should really stop smoking. Have Faith. 
- you mean, get myself a methead babymama? Ah! Ah! Ah! *Keeeeeuuuf* *kof* *kof*
Angelo rolled his eyes and left. Sometimes the job was feeling like a divine punishment. Why the council wanted him to work with this kind of retards? No time to think more about that. Things have to be done. And it will be dirty.


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## Victim2988 (Jan 4, 2021)

- Egyptian, it's a compilation of sales and imports on the Nile for a civil servant of the farao. Really old, really stunning piece. Fragile, don't touch it.
- And this one Granddaddy, what it is about? It smells baaad...
- haaa this one Joshua, I don't really know. Babylonian, undated. The end is missing. Quite unusual. Just a bunch of nonsense I presume. You see here, this mountain is central in the narrative. You find it everywhere. Then you have a child with a demonic head, a harvest, the moon, a dog called void, a plague, a virgin (in the old meaning of the term, young girl)  and above that a recipe for brewing alcoholic beverages. Ah, can it be some apocalyptical myth from an obscure cult in some dark ages? I don't know Josh, maybe you will find the key to decifer that story when you grow old. 
-I really want to be like you granddaddy! It's so cool with all your old stories! 
- Hahaha yes I hope so. You know what's also funny with that papyrus? The mountain is called "Gûûnhtą", which means "belly" in Babylonian. The "evil belly mountain", isn't that funny? Haha, nonsense. Let me show you some more serious artefact now...


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## instythot (Jan 4, 2021)

Deepest Romania, the kind of night that confirms all the stereotypes a person might have about vampires, gypsies, or any combination of the two roaming the countryside.

"Look mate, I know we're about to get married, but there's no choice. The stepfather must be informed. The Sweetie Squad and the Killstream Krew are converging. He needs to decide if he shall hide or strike them down, mate"
"Can't you just tell him on Discord?"
"Woman. Mate. Have I not told you about Kraut? Why even us lapsed Skeptics will never truly trust Discord again, mate?"


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## Victim2988 (Jan 4, 2021)

In a middle of a dark french forrest, a bearded man in camo approaches a small, dressed in black very little person with a big crocked nose. 
- I can't believe they send me a jew, is this  søme kind of jøke? Says Varg. 
- they knew it would make you react mister Vikernes, they know how to "stimulate" you. Maybe your "prehistoric" rage can be usefull to us in the fight that is to come. Combined to my intelligence *smiling* we can suuurely make a formidable pair, don't you think?

Varg didn't answer. As crazy as it is for him to associate with the people of juda, the horrors that the sad spirits of the forest told him the last months convinced him to prepare for war. The great war. The war against evil. He had to fight the Gunt. Even if that meant to fight with side by side.with a jew. The survival of all humanity (including the white race)  was at stake. He couldn't escape his destiny. 
- Hurry up Mister Vikernes. The catholics have already their guys on approach. They can't confront so much evil alone. We have to join them ASAP. The skeptics are also on the way from transylvania. 
- And what about the muslims, asked Varg. 
- Muslims can go to hell, nobody likes them. They are expendable, replied the rabbi. 

Maybe I will not hate this jew as much as I thought, murmured Varg in his white beard.


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## Victim2988 (Jan 5, 2021)

Angelo was now alone in enemy territory. His last men from his sweet escort platoon had fallen. The battle had been epic - hundreds of paypigs with Gaydur himself in the lead attacked their company at dawn near the gas station. Every guntgard perished - cutted in half by swords, perced by irish bullets or massive coronarian failure. Gaydur escaped at the last minute, saved by a mystical force protecting him from the light. But the price to pay for that victory was high. 
It was time to burry the courageous sweet combattants, sacrificing a dozen furries in a big fire in their honor and continue the journey. 
The land has become vile. The smell of meth, fart and malt liquor burned the nostrils. Strange fruits were hanging from the trees; everybody around were looking at him as if he was a suspect. It's hard to imagine a country were absoluty every living person is wearing a limp bizkit tee-shirt, open carry a 50. BMG tactical mosin-nagant and own a ford f150 from 1997. All children on the road were abnormal, victims of alcoholic foetal syndrome or consanguinity; often both. They screamed that they wanted lemons; booze or pills. The only food they never encountered. A strange women with horse teeth tried to buy Angelo a drink; he polity refused. She left a note with "do you like to watch babies being fucked?" written with red ink. 
Angelo knew that he was now deep in Gunt country. He was feeling alone, depressed and weak. He needed help. He looked at his mobile and saw that he had received 666 messages the last 3 days. Time to be social.


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## instythot (Jan 5, 2021)

Seeing himself to talk to the gunt entranced locals, and also to mourn the fallen, Angelo swung open the doors to a small, dark bar, and looked around. Seeing only an uninterested bartender washing late morning pint glasses, he approached and asked for "whatever's strongest, sir"

Looking down at the liquor fumes rising from the glass of translucent brown something, Angelo was remembering some of the sweeties he had gotten to know in recent days, gone forever. After a respectable amount of time, he raised the glass. A hand landed on his shoulder before he could drink.

"This bar was empty"
"You need to learn to see from the center, father. Heh, the irony. Me calling another man father"


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## Victim2988 (Jan 5, 2021)

Angelo looked sadly at the man.
- I think I will take a fish and chips and a diet coke, extra mayonnaise...
- No no father, I am not working for applebee's, I am Sargon, sargon of akkad, leader of the skeptics, savior of the Ukip, britain's finest...*fake laugh*
- I was expecting a Nazi and a Zionist, what did the council send me again? You said sargoy of arcade? And what are these people behind you? 
- Padre, this is the proud Kekistani army! Thousands of followers who will help us crushing all evils by the magical force of gamergate 2.0! *Fake laugh*
- I only see a bald girl, a gipsy, a dirty hippie, an indian covered in feces, a german bdsm-slave, a fat guy with a banana in his ass and a mexican midget. Your crew sucks godfather; it can work enough if we open a freak-show, but not to fight real evil. Even his demon-head son could easily defeat your team.
- it depends on the child... *Fake laugh*
- it's real evil we are fighting now do you understand? Not anita sarkeesian or some dumbed insecure teenager in her bedroom. 
- father Angelo, stop acting like a white nigger. You need all the help you can find and we all hate the Gunt. We can help you make a difference. *Fake laugh*
- like you did with Ukip?
- come on. Look I also took the funny scotsman and his nazi pug with me. 
- ok then. Let's do it like it's 2016, yeaaaah... Said Angelo with a really, really tired voice. "Didn't you also had a retarded stuttering canadian with you before?"
- he went to the dark side Padre, the dark side...*fake laugh*...


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## Victim2988 (Jan 5, 2021)

Houston airport, 5th of january.
- Do we really have to share the same taxi?
- stop it Varg. This time I will pay. Maybe 50%. Or 10%. But I will ((pay)). Look! This peruvian gentleman was waiting for us. Taxi! Pore favore, pesetas to el Gunto?
- AyayaYAYYY! Let's go to El Gunto with la velocidad du la machina! AyAYY WAHAHAHAHA AAAHHHHHH

I don't like the laugh of this bolivian guy, thought Varg.


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## instythot (Jan 5, 2021)

Compton. Mid afternoon. A balding Mexican with a suspiciously large nose has just risen. Hesitantly approaching him for support and protection is a desperate guntguard.

The Mexican is cackling like a hyena, "Holy fuck, all these years I was avoiding cheese pizza because I thought my discord meant it literally. Why would I want a pizza with no fucking toppings? Let me tell you, when I finally figured it out, it was a revelation!"

"Why are you screaming like that, sir? You're in your own home. Surely the neighbors can hear you"

"Fuck the neighbors. What I jerk it to in my own home is my own business and if they don't wanna hear about it, they're goddamn prudes. Siri, start up 'Cuties' again. Full volume. VR"

"Before you get started, could I secure your support?"

"The Gunt can do whatever he wants, and if that benefits me, all the better. Hold these." The balding Mexican handed his pants to the exasperated guntguard, who had frankly seen worse and also more impressive displays of everything currently on offer. This would be a long negotiation, but the guntguard wasn't about to leave without securing support from this inexplicably important man.

Trying a different tack, the guntguard said "I heard you were the Prom King"


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## World Star (Jan 5, 2021)

Suddenly there was a loud crash as the wall broke down and in the style of the koolaid man Ralph appeared.
"Hey wait a minute Dick, this adventure was supposed to be about me!" Ralph cried out as he pushed past his gunt guards to approach the Jewish Mexican.
With one puggy hand he tore the VR headset off of the excommunicated commedian.
"Who are you to take away my fans!? Do you know who I am?! I am the man who platformed you when everyone else abandoned you!"
With his other puggy hand he pointed his black powder pistol square into Dick's massive forehead and he mumbled with tears in his eyes.
"I thought we were friends but you were just another kind of F word."


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## TheSimpShow (Jan 8, 2021)

And with that, Dick slipped out of his piss stained sweat pants, it was an easy task since he completely missed leg-day. It was strange to see a man with the legs of a polio patient, yet there was no polio to be found. He tore off his sombrero print boxer briefs exposing his third pinkie. "Now wait a minute, Dick, I think it's fucken dinner time." Ethan squeezed out of his own piss stained sweatpants, and with that Dick spread his burrito bowl open like a telephone book, and like a pig to a trough he greedily buried his snout into Dick's hasidic bean hole like he was digging for a truffle burger with fries.


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## FM Bradley (Jan 12, 2021)

"MMmmph," the Gunt snuffled as he enthusiastically explored Diddler Dax's Chicano colon with his tongue and snout, "Now I know what Dr. Phil's cum tastes like!"


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## World Star (Jan 17, 2021)

With all of his strength Ralph stood up and cocked his black powder pistol putting the gun to his temple.
"Ay what's wrong there buddy? I thought we were making some real progress here," Dick said with some flase sense of concern in his voice.
Tears started to flow uncontrollably from Ralph's face and he cried out at the man.

"Don't you see Dick! None of this is real. Not you, not I not even these fucking lemons," in Ralph's other hand he grasped an imaginary lemon that was worth almost as much in his mind as it did in the material releam.

"Not even my fucking choices are my own!" Sweat started form around his hands as he started to doubt whether he'd even have the agency to end this nightmare. Would the gods of his life finally be able to escape on his own terms or suffer enterally at the hands of those who post in his threads.

"It's them Fucking A'logs they've hacked into my life, turned me Gay. Where me Pa failed they succeded."
Ralph closed eyes and pulled the trigger hoping that that in death he'd be able to escape the taste of cum.


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## tranny2000 (Jan 18, 2021)

After a few seconds, Ralph opened his eyes. Nothing had changed. He couldn't hear anything, ears ringing from the _crack_ of the pistol, but it was obvious enough that his plan had failed. Ralph and his Retort were too powerful; the bullet had bounced off his fat skull as if someone flicked a pencil eraser at him.

God damn it.

The taste of semen still overpowered most of his senses. He was still gay, and not even death itself was powerful enough to undo the gay he wrought upon himself.


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## WhimsicalTrolli (May 21, 2021)

Life of the Gunt Expansion pack! Part 2: The Summer omen

Prologue; The gunt has been through a rough 5 months, dating a tranny pedophile, fighting for the pedophile's honor against her pedophile ex-fiancee, a 2 dollar whore, and her wigger cuckold with a feminine name like Reliy, you think you it couldn't get any worse for the gunt until on May 16th, His mother has passed.


The gunt woke up from a 6 day stupor of makers Mark, playing the pillstream clip "ITS NAWT TRUUU"


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## Clostridium Botulinum (May 30, 2021)

The gunt proceeds to break the wax on his last bottle of Maker's Mark. Just as he's about to open his liquid breakfast,  a suited man kicks the bottle from his hand and says:

"Ethan? My name is Maury Povich. I'd like to talk about Xander..."


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## WhimsicalTrolli (May 31, 2021)

"What the fuck?! You see I'm busy?!' Ralph grumble as he picked up the bottle, seething at the name Xander.


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