# Things you do to piss off co-workers, acquaintances and family you secretly hate



## Disheveled Human (Jan 31, 2020)

Title basically says it all. What things do you do to piss off or otherwise provide levels of malaise toward to a person in a way where they can't argue or get mad about?


Here is a thing I love to do.

Every Year around Christmas I will go out of my way to find the most annoying, noisy and obnoxious toys for said persons children to annoy the fuck out of the parents I feel disdain towards. Toys that include speakers in them that make noise, play music are a good go to. Toys that make a mess things like silly putty or playdoh are good because kids get that shit stuck to their clothes carpets and furniture. Board games that will in most cases force parents to spend unwanted time with their kids playing a stupid game the kid likes but the parent hates.


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## soft breathing (Jan 31, 2020)

You should buy something with glitter next. Like of those DIY glitter slime sets. 

Glitter is even more fun to get out of carpets than silly putty. 

 

Source: My parents always did the same thing to family members they can't stand.


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## Captain Fitzbattleaxe (Jan 31, 2020)

My favorite is walking slightly faster than their walking speed.


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## LazloChalos (Jan 31, 2020)

I love doing the obnoxious toy thing.

I don't hate my relatives and friends, I just get bored easily.

I mostly play the cool older uncle/cousin angle and add generational rifts by mocking and belittling the parents attempts at socializing with the younger kids, then upstaging them.

I am fond of gifting board games, its something they have to share and depending on the game bring out the worst in people.

Then there is the pet gift.


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## LordofTendons (Jan 31, 2020)

Nail polish for the little kids. Try digging THAT out of the carpet.

Wen hair care-- this is the one that has made a lot of people's hair fall out.

If you're skinny and they're fat, talk a lot about how hard it is to put on weight. Complain that you can't find clothes. Be sure to stuff your face when dinner is served. (I only do this to the adults)


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## NIGGER ASS PEE POOPY RAPE (Jan 31, 2020)

give your female diversity quota employees/co-workers tasks you know they aren't quite strong/intelligent enough to complete despite being qualified for on paper. unfortunately this usually doesn't work because they just get a beta to do it for them, but when they do actually try to do it themselves and fuck it up spectacularly it's priceless.


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## LazarusOwenhart (Jan 31, 2020)

You'd be amazed at how much fun you can have writing the word "Cocksucker" on the bottom of your colleagues coffee mug with a sharpie. Bonus points if he's the kind of dimwit who'll turn a half full mug upside down to look when somebody asks him why he has "cocksucker" written on the bottom of his mug.


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## Megaroad 2012 (Jan 31, 2020)

I'll quit my job during the busiest times and then come in the next day to shop as if nothing happened just to spite bosses I don't like, especially if they're a fat and their body is falling apart for being a fat and they have trouble doing all the work I did for them because they're a fat.


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## MerriedxReldnahc (Jan 31, 2020)

A couple years ago I brought a delicious cherry jello salad over to my grandma's house for Christmas Eve specifically because I know my step-Grandpa doesn't like cherry and he's a bastard. I also talked a lot about how great my job is and how I'm having fun and I've got more hours, because he's a lazy unemployed fuck and always sits there pouting when he has to hear about someone half his age being vastly more successful than him. He tried to change the subject when I talked about doing volunteer work.

I go out of my way to _not_ antagonize people, especially if I know they don't like me back. I'd rather not risk drama. Sometimes though, it can be very funny. If you talk about volunteering and doing selfless things it makes people so proud of you while the people who hate you smolder in rage. Like, go out of your way to help out with the family dinner prep or cleanup. Bonus points if you can talk about a baby bird you rescued while doing it. 

Back in high school we had one of those "donate your change to help cancer patients" drive and I decided to just bring in my whole backlog of change, which amounted to around $17. While I didn't do this on purpose, I dumped my change into the class box directly in front of a kid who utterly hated me and was convinced I was the worst person on earth. Oh the hate on his face as he had to listen to people tell me how kind I was. I think it's best to do good for the sake of goodness, but it is funny to do it out of spite.


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## Kari Kamiya (Jan 31, 2020)

Just my existence alone is enough to piss them off. I don't even have to talk to them, just be in their general vicinity and without fail soak in all their dirty secrets they just let hang out to then later bring up in some form or another years later.

Beware the quiet ones, you know.


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## CWCissey (Jan 31, 2020)

Fake spoilers for hot TV shows.

Sometimes I mix in a real one to keep people guessing.


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## Titty Figurine (Jan 31, 2020)

Start cleaning their bathroom or stove. Refuse to stop when asked. Refuse to stop when _told._ "Oh no, you're such an excellent host that I can't help but give back where I can." 

The implication that they can't keep a house up to a visitor's standards while entertaining is like six levels deep on the petty chart in my family and watching people silently fume for the rest of the night while surreptitiously checking every corner and surface for mess is great. 

Not like I don't do it out of kindness too, like if you invite me over and you have hard water stains in your tub or a loose tile that needs fixing I'm just going to handle that shit while you aren't paying attention, but weaponized housekeeping can be some court intrigue levels of cuntiness when it's directed against insufferable arrogant fucks.


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## Ningen (Jan 31, 2020)

I smoke right next to my health-nut bratty co-workers just to see them seethe. Yeah, they really think 10 seconds of exposure to smoke is going to give them lung cancer, hypochondriac morons.
There is also this angry femcel landwhale right next to me at my workplace who is always dieting (or at least she says she is to get away with being "moody"), I love eating right in front of her during coffee break because she is a shameless douche and I cannot wait for her to just eat herself into an early grave.
I don't hate anyone in my family, all of them are nice people, and the assholes who happen to be blood relatives in some way I don't consider them extended "family" whatsoever. Perhaps you should do the same, just sayin'.


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## ??? (Jan 31, 2020)

When I'm really bored I post ads on Craigslist, where I pretend to be an employer offering a job. I have occasionally targeted coworkers with this, but it's more of a fishing expedition. 

I advertise for:

* Nonsensical hiring requirements; 15+ years experience with Rust programming language.

* Borderline illegal discrimination policies; only women, PoC, and LGBTQ+ candidates will be accepted, must be a registered Democrat/Republican to work here, must vote for/against Trump to work here, and subtle hints that only Mormons will be hired and promoted (I hate Mormons).

* Requirements with horrifying implications; mandatory fluency in a language native to east Asia or the Indian subcontinent.

* Mandatory social media advertising for our company to your friends and family, whom you must find and add on Facebook, Twitter, etc, to be employed. Obviously you must have it on your phone (and you must have a smartphone), you must have social media accounts with pics of you and all your identifying info publicly viewable, and we need access to everything you send and type into the app.

* General exuberant boomer-posting.

If a person who doesn't meet these requirements replies, I verbally abuse them with the goal of increasing their political radicalization, racism, sexism, homophobia, and transphobia.

If a person whose beliefs I personally dislike responds, I waste their time and money. Sometimes I set up interviews far away, usually a few hours drive, but on one occasion I got a guy to fly to New York and rent a hotel room for a week. 

He thought he has going to be working for a Punjabi-run electronic trading company similar to Goldman-Sachs, and spent over $20,000 on the plane ticket, hotel room, tailored suit, personal business cards, and resume printed on expensive paper stock. He later developed depression and anxiety, and when I last checked up on him had given up on America and got a Canadian visa. I got him by pretending to be a cute blonde recruiter.

I also post on the missed connections board at Craigslist to get social media accounts, emails, photos, and identifying information from people I personally know and hate, which I use to set up accounts on dating sites and act like an asshole. I got my bosses girlfriend to break up with him, and had him totally ostracized from the female population of the small town in which I lived, by doing this. I got a Mormon professor fired, divorced, and excommunicated (lmao) though to be fair he was actually cheating on his wife IRL so it's not all my doing. Last I checked he's in Eastern Europe working for a Polish IoT startup. 

I haven't tried yet but I want to start posting on the rental/housing boards, posing as a bitchy girl and saying stuff like "no creeps, post pics, hot guys only". It seems counter-productive to my goals though, and there's not an easy racial angle besides the obvious NOWAG/NOWIG and fake news angles.

Don't put pictures of yourself on the internet and always triple-check if something seems too good or bad to be true.


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## Disheveled Human (Jan 31, 2020)

??? said:


> When I'm really bored I post ads on Craigslist, where I pretend to be an employer offering a job. I have occasionally targeted coworkers with this, but it's more of a fishing expedition.
> 
> I advertise for:
> 
> ...



Calm down Satan.


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## Exigent Circumcisions (Jan 31, 2020)

??? said:


> When I'm really bored I post ads on Craigslist, where I pretend to be an employer offering a job. I have occasionally targeted coworkers with this, but it's more of a fishing expedition.
> 
> I advertise for:
> 
> ...


You're a real cunt.


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## Agarathium1066 (Jan 31, 2020)

The annoying toy gag is always hilarious but the moment that kid loses track of it they've long since tossed it away. Your suggestion of board games is the real strong option, make sure it's something that they'll maintain an interest in long enough. It's the fuck you with the longest shelf life and unless the parents 'gift' it to another family they're not going to be able to easily rid themselves of it.


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## Coldgrip (Jan 31, 2020)

I remind them they're related to me and point out our similarities.


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## Smaug's Smokey Hole (Jan 31, 2020)

Dad jokes. One or two is fine, a hundred of them back-to-back is too much for people, but it is so inoffensive that flying into a rage is uncalled for. I also know a guy that have the shittiest puns ever and I'm an enabler.


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## AbyssStarer (Jan 31, 2020)

My sibling is a literal cuck so I like to rub my monogamous, loving relationship in their face.


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## Arthur Morgan (Feb 1, 2020)

I haven't done this in a long time, but my dad and I had a bad relationship for a year or so. At the time he worked alternate weekends and would always tell us when he was available so we could come hang out with him because he was lonely, mostly because he'd pissed everyone around him off. So, on the days he worked, I would go to his apartment and move the couch cushions forward. 

To explain this, whenever my dad flopped down on the couch, the cushions would slide forward and eventually he would slide forward and fall off with them. It was hilarious at eight. This happened enough that it became his habit that, when he got up, he'd kick the cushions back even when he was at someone else's house and had sat down like a normal person, it was just an automatic thing he did. So I got a little chuckle out of the idea of him falling down. I stopped after we patched things up but he's never said anything. I don't think he remembered he told me where he kept his spare key. 

In hindsight, I'm glad I stopped because he was getting old and could have easily broken something.


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## ??? (Feb 1, 2020)

Smaug's Smokey Hole said:


> Dad jokes. One or two is fine, a hundred of them back-to-back is too much for people, but it is so inoffensive that flying into a rage is uncalled for. I also know a guy that have the shittiest puns ever and I'm an enabler.


Share them?


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## The Empirical Bogey (Feb 1, 2020)

I purposely spread my legs on the subway in case a feminist is onboard, especially when taking the lines that go to universities


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## Papa Adolfo's Take'n'Bake (Feb 1, 2020)

I have in laws that were obsessed with my kid because they can't have their own. They also hate my guts, and that feeling is mutual.  So my wife decides to let my son stay with them while we "enjoy our time [in the state they live in]" for 2 days.

Bully for them that i stopped on the way there and bought a Cotton Candy Reign, got a glass of Ice from a fast food joint, and gave the tyke a "Sprite from Wendy's"

I got him back a few hours later.


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## Smaug's Smokey Hole (Feb 1, 2020)

??? said:


> Share them?



They don't translate very well. One of the more offensive ones kind of do. "Josef Fritzl wrote a book. I heard it's a best cellar."
This video of IKEA jokes will give you an idea of what it's like.




Your browser is not able to display this video.


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## Disheveled Human (Feb 1, 2020)

A fun psychology hack I like to do with people is when you are spending time and having extended conversation with them sometimes they run into the "Oh, what was I talking about I lost my train of thought" moment. You can actually bring up a topic you and them were previously discussing prior to the current subject and make them repeat themselves. Then you can call them out on it after they finished repeating themselves making them look foolish.


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## Jet Fuel Johnny (Feb 1, 2020)

Change my phone number and move out of state and not tell anyone.


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## neverendingmidi (Feb 1, 2020)

I don't hate any of my coworkers, but I do fuck with the guy who was an intern and got hired fulltime once he graduated. Tbf, everybody in the office gives him good-natured shit.

I once hid his coffee mug in plain sight, in the office he worked in, and it took him three days to find it. Another guy is planning on zip-tie-ing him to a chair at the quarterly meeting next week.


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## Quijibo69 (Feb 10, 2020)

My Brother in law is really fucking old (aka could pass as my father old) and is a asshole. I like piss him off all the time.


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## Robert James (Feb 11, 2020)

I'm going to prefecit my stories with a little description of where I worked. It was a call center in the middle of a deeply blue city. They treated employees like crap and had an insane turnover rate because they were one of the few jobs you could reliably get in the city. The products we sold were scams and we were taught how to turn conversations with lonely people that just wanted someone to talk to into a sale. The company was insanely P.C. before I left they started to ask pronouns and most people there had drunk enough coolaid to turn their skin blue. The company had a very forced positive culture and we would often come into work 10 minutes early and leave 10 minutes late for a pep rally. The point is this job was hell and the people working there were sociopaths or dead inside so I'm not a complete monster for what I did. Buckle in here are a few of my more devious acts of revenge back when I worked at a call center.

The team next to me would start the day off with a mini pep rally their hype song was space jam. The leader of this team played their hype song on the top of every hour. I lost at least two clients to this song starting up and blasting through my headphones while speaking to them.  Put a speaker into the air duct above his desk and would play every song from the Donkey Kong Country Cartoon whenever he played space jam. My speaker was louder and after fucking with him for a day every manager on that floor called their team into a room and talked to them about professional behavior at the workplace. 

Was chastised for not volunteering to hide eggs in the office.  Mostly candy was in there but there were a few with tickets for some pretty good prizes; giftcards, an Iphone, bluetooth speakers etc. Was told managers would keep those eggs though. I decided to put the message "your being let go next week" in a few eggs I bought and hid them around the office. The day of our easter event came and several people lost their shit one quitting on the spot and threatening to sue them. Got the entire office an hour-long meeting about professional behavior in the workplace and how they didn't want to install security cameras. 

I was chastised for not having enough festive spirit since I refused to participate in their thanksgiving or Halloween party.  I did this because we had to use our lunch for a party where we had to bring the food and listen to a thirty-minute speech about how amazing the company is. Christmas came around and I told them I wasn't going to got to the party. In the middle of the boss shaming me in front of the team I told him it's because hes being racist and that there is nothing here celebrating kwanza, I'm black. He went red and apologized for a good three days afterward. 

Whenever I was brought in to be reprimanded I accused my boss and his boss, both white, of racism. They promoted me twice so I would be working under a black woman and could no longer use that card. 

When 2016 came around I demanded that if trump got elected we get two days off of paid vacation. I got alot of the woke brigade in my office to rally behind that claiming we needed to protest if it happened. I voted for the guy He won and I didn't have to deal with the retarded protesters for two days.

My boss would often play porn on her phone when she was sitting at her desk. She left her phone unguarded and I linked it to a speaker in the office. Something,something the office had a talk about sexual harassment. 

I had a bowl of candies at my desk because I was a fat fuck that needed to eat through his stress. Even though I told people it wasn't to share and locked it in my desk people would inevitably empty it. Decided to get a mixture of chocolate laxatives and chocolate with habanero filling. Locked it in my drawer but left the key at my desk. I went out to lunch something something bitch who called me a racist went to the hospital, something something dickhead who told me I need to get over the morning pep rallies shat himself something something teritory meeting about how we are adults and shouldn't take something without asking.  

Last ones kind of tame but we had to pass out valentines day cards for a morale-boosting event, like we were in fifth grade. I decided to get a bunch of Thomas valentines cards, for maximum autism, and wrote variations of the I choo-choo-choose you on it except for the one for my boss which was chinga chinga Choo. Gues what the meeting three days later was about and what we never had to do again.


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## Niggernerd (Feb 11, 2020)

Anytime my oldest sister talks about how she's a vegan because she wants to save animals i always put on some documentary that talks about car exhaust effecting animals habitats since she drives all the time and i do this while making a burger.

Cousin is a huge dick so i never feel bad when i say "do you hear that?" While having my hand cupped around my left ear (his is burned off and looks like a troon flesh hole)

Anytime my other sister comes around i always talk about how i miss dial up internet as it's a reference to her always going apeshit when she couldn't use the line and it was entertaining for me personally.

Years back I had one co-worker who would constantly annoy me with his life happenings and one day he got both of us in trouble for "talking instead of working" so after I'd purposely give him bad dating advice and ruin his chance to get with a girl he was talking to, the best thing is he thought i genuinely gave a shit enough to give him sound advice so never questioned it even after his chances flew passed him.


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## Smaug's Smokey Hole (Feb 11, 2020)

Robert James said:


> My boss would often play porn on her phone when she was sitting at her desk. She left her phone unguarded and I linked it to a speaker in the office. Something,something the office had a talk about sexual harassment.



What is it with some people and porn at work? Usually it is middle aged men and not women. Was it anime or something?


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## Angel Dust (Feb 14, 2020)

I volunteered at my work with a lady named Barb. Barb is one of those southern white retired PTA moms and was a mega bitch. She wanted to control everything and everyone and was basically the humane society Hitler. She'd only deal with dogs she deemed cute, and discouraged people from adopting the dogs she liked, and outright lie about a dogs behavior to potential adoptees. Well about a year into volunteering with her, a new department opened up and I was picked to be the head of that department, (honestly sounds more important than it is) and as such became a paid employee. She was INCREDIBLY salty about it. Now I make it a point to respond to her requests for staff, juuuust to rub it in that I'm staff and an HOD staff member to boot.

Eat a dick Barb.


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## LordofTendons (Feb 14, 2020)

My sister hates everyone she works with. At her last office gig there were a lot of transplants from India who microwaved pickled fish a lot, and it made the building stink all the time. To get revenge, she changed all the Keurigs to French language from English, which also changed the water measurements from English to metric. So there was no more coffee. It took them weeks to get someone in there to fix them, and they were only able to fix a few of the machines. They had to buy brand new ones to replace the rest. It didn't stop the picked fish in the microwaves, but she still laughs about this.


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## NIGGER ASS PEE POOPY RAPE (Feb 15, 2020)

when you're at someone's house who has a kid, do something childish like throw food at a ceiling fan (I highly recommend eggs) or kick a litterbox down a staircase or just break things then blame it on the kid. bonus points for doing it right in front of the kid with the biggest shit-eating grin on your face. the nuclear tantrum will be hilarious, the adults will have all evening to do fun stuff like drugs and gambling while the mom's cleaning up the mess and the kid's grounded (and all evening for the next few days/weeks depending on how much damage you caused) and it will teach the kid a valuable lesson that life isn't fair so he doesn't grow up to be a commie.


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## Rice Is Ready (Feb 15, 2020)

When I get calls from telemarketers I pretend to be interested in their bullshit and then say I have to do something and put them on hold for a couple minutes and then scream into the phone and hang up. Or if it's an Indian woman telemarketer I try to initiate phone sex.


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## Wraith (Feb 15, 2020)

Scotch tape twelve packets of ketchup to the top of the office microwave and one chicken nugget.


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## MechanicusAdmin (Feb 15, 2020)

Specifically with co-workers and the big boss men who visit the site once every three months, I make a show of drenching my hands in hand sanitizer after they've approached my desk and said their hellos/shook hands. I keep stern, unblinking eye contact while Im doing it just to make sure they get the point. I will do this to the same people multiple times a day.
It makes people extremely uncomfortable for some reason but amuses me and makes the day just that tiny bit more tolerable. And with Corona-Chan visiting the world these days, the effect is even more amusing


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## polonium (Feb 15, 2020)

MechanicusAdmin said:


> Specifically with co-workers and the big boss men who visit the site once every three months, I make a show of drenching my hands in hand sanitizer after they've approached my desk and said their hellos/shook hands. I keep stern, unblinking eye contact while Im doing it just to make sure they get the point. I will do this to the same people multiple times a day.
> It makes people extremely uncomfortable for some reason but amuses me and makes the day just that tiny bit more tolerable. And with Corona-Chan visiting the world these days, the effect is even more amusing


I don't think you're pissing people off, it just makes you seem like a weirdo


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## MechanicusAdmin (Feb 15, 2020)

polonium said:


> I don't think you're pissing people off, it just makes you seem like a weirdo


If it makes them leave me alone, I say that's a success.


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## Disheveled Human (Feb 17, 2020)

Sometimes when someone is counting things, such as money or returning empties to a depository, ect. I'll shout out random numbers so the people around me lose count.


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## lurk_moar (Feb 17, 2020)

I don’t always clean up after myself at work or make my coworkers answer the phone when it rings.


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## Whatsup bud? (Feb 17, 2020)

I make it a habit of knowing the employment and work policies of anywhere I work ( state laws too) in case I have a shitty boss. Know your rights boys.


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## DocHoliday1977 (Feb 17, 2020)

I just show up and be better than them in every way.

I recently out of kindness reminded my fat sister in law and relatives that the gym has a 1 dollar starting rate and that I dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks. 

And then there was the Tony Robbins incident recently.


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## Exist0 (Feb 17, 2020)

When I'm around folks I'd rather not be around and there are pigeons (doves, whatever) I point out the noise they make actually says "it's broken, oooh". Total fucking earworm.  The ones in Australia do this, not sure about the rest of the world


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## Iuz (Feb 17, 2020)

I have a Boomer next door who cant stop putting crap into his mouth all day in the most obnoxiously noise creating way and cant shut up about 'Weight Watchers,' so I take every chance I can to talk about the 70 plus pounds Iv lost following a simple CICO diet.


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## ??? (Feb 17, 2020)

MechanicusAdmin said:


> Specifically with co-workers and the big boss men who visit the site once every three months, I make a show of drenching my hands in hand sanitizer after they've approached my desk and said their hellos/shook hands. I keep stern, unblinking eye contact while Im doing it just to make sure they get the point. I will do this to the same people multiple times a day.
> It makes people extremely uncomfortable for some reason but amuses me and makes the day just that tiny bit more tolerable. And with Corona-Chan visiting the world these days, the effect is even more amusing


You're supposed to do it BEFORE the handshake.


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## Fools Idol (Feb 21, 2020)

I leave the canteen door open in work. The door opens into the warehouse so it's cold and one of my co-workers is a prick who hates the cold.


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## Gasthefurfags1488 (Feb 21, 2020)

I used to find their emails and sign them up for free gay porno, spam, and sample packs of adult diapers. Stuff that will be embarrassing and seemingly random. The only regret is not seeing the look on their faces. I wont do anything hurtful or malicious to anyone really unless they _really _piss me off and do the same to me. I've also changed their phone backgrounds or desktop backgrounds to stuff like Brian Peppers, or weird memes. I even edited the school teachers computer noises to play fart noises on startup when you log in. This was mostly back when I was a teenager but the occasional prank is fun once in a while.


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## Space Lobster Bat (Feb 24, 2020)

I bring in super spicy shit for potlucks when I just KNOW the other people are going to bring in shit only they like, or not nearly enough for people to have (one bag of chips for 12 people, really?!). And then claim I forgot how hot it was, cause it doesn't bother me at all. More for me, yum.

This also prevents them from stealing my shit in the break room. That PB&J was habenero jelly, I wish I could have seen their face, hahahaha. Lucky I had a second sandwich stashed away, it was delicious.


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## DDBCAE CBAADCBE (Feb 24, 2020)

I work with a Muslim guy and I bring in ham all the time and eat it in front of him and have often offered to share it with him knowing he can't eat it.


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## codeswhitchsperer (Feb 24, 2020)

I find it's more of a "tactic" thing for me, active-aggressive against passsive aggressive or vice versa.  Lots of agree and amplify.  Playing dumb is a fun one.  Not supposed to use that printer?  IDK!  SORRY! 

Good luck clearing the print queue after I CTRL+P'd "War and piece" on every machine>

"OOPS IT DIDN'T WORK!"

*walk out

With women/faggots/soyboys I tend to switch between powertalk and straight talk back and forth in one statement/convo.


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## Miss Misery (Feb 24, 2020)

I work in a male-majority environment, so when I'm feeling extra bitchy I'll [try to] hold a door open for a dude. Either their brains explode and they pause for a few seconds to process before continuing or they'll grab the door above my head and hold it so that I have to walk through first and thus they are not emasculated.

But most of the time I just enjoy the ingrained chivalry _now_.

_I can't remember the last time I opened a door myself and it's great.

Edit because I changed my damn mind and I don't really like being an asshole anymore._


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## codeswhitchsperer (Feb 24, 2020)

DDBCAE CBAADCBE said:


> I work with a Muslim guy and I bring in ham all the time and eat it in front of him and have often offered to share it with him knowing he can't eat it.



Ask him if he has a sister, if she's pretty, single, etc.


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## codeswhitchsperer (Feb 24, 2020)

Gasthefurfags1488 said:


> I used to find their emails and sign them up for free gay porno, spam, and sample packs of adult diapers. Stuff that will be embarrassing and seemingly random. The only regret is not seeing the look on their faces. I wont do anything hurtful or malicious to anyone really unless they _really _piss me off and do the same to me. I've also changed their phone backgrounds or desktop backgrounds to stuff like Brian Peppers, or weird memes. I even edited the school teachers computer noises to play fart noises on startup when you log in. This was mostly back when I was a teenager but the occasional prank is fun once in a while.



screenshot desktop icons
set as background
delete all icons.


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## codeswhitchsperer (Feb 24, 2020)

Plastic Inevitable said:


> grab the door above my head and hold it so that I have to walk through first and thus they are not emasculated.



That's so you don't have to step OVER their hand you dumb slut.


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## Viral Vigilante (Feb 24, 2020)

??? said:


> When I'm really bored I post ads on Craigslist, where I pretend to be an employer offering a job. I have occasionally targeted coworkers with this, but it's more of a fishing expedition.
> 
> I advertise for:
> 
> ...


teach us your ways, dark master.


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## Viral Vigilante (Feb 24, 2020)

I used to work at a library, and when I would get bored I would unplug the wifi. disgruntled people would then go up to my co workers and ask why it isn't working. I did this for two reasons: 
one: I didn't like my co workers 
two: your supposed to read at a fucking library, not check your instagram. I don't give a fuck what you do on the internet, but come on, your at a library, read a book. it was funny when I would do it, and people started wandering around like lost dogs.


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## Pargon (Feb 24, 2020)

There's a right turn right before I get to work for another, related building. Most people who work there are in a giant yank to get in on time because it's an urgent care clinic. There's no right turn lane, just a shoulder, and traffic backs up regularly at the light, so these assholes will ride the shoulder to turn. Not a huge problem except we're in a snowy state and snow piles up along the side, and they can't risk their pwecious SUVs so they get within five micrometers trying to ride the line.

I just coast up to the light so I'm halfway into the shoulder and they can't get past. Go fuck yourselves. Wait like everyone else. If you're late, get your ass out of bed five minutes earlier or get yelled at.


----------



## The 3rd Hooligan (Feb 24, 2020)

neverendingmidi said:


> Another guy is planning on zip-tie-ing him to a chair at the quarterly meeting next week.


Record his screams while youre at it.


----------



## LordofTendons (Feb 24, 2020)

This is how you set a desktop background image. I've watched multiple people spend hours trying to figure out how to get that one folder off of their desktop without calling IT.


----------



## neverendingmidi (Feb 24, 2020)

LordofTendons said:


> This is how you set a desktop background image. I've watched multiple people spend hours trying to figure out how to get that one folder off of their desktop without calling IT.


We have a bunch of shortcuts on the desktops of shared computers at work. A popular prank involves taking a pic of the desktop, then putting all the shortcuts in a folder that blends in, before putting the image as the background.


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## polonium (Feb 25, 2020)

I put a paper sticker over the laser on a mouse at work and the guy plugged it into another USB socket, rebooted his PC a couple of times, then called IT, all before he tried turning the mouse over to see what was under it.


----------



## Overcast (Feb 25, 2020)

The things some of you people do are despicable.

...I love it.


----------



## Karl der Grosse (Feb 25, 2020)

If you own rental property, you get to know which local market landlords are slumlords, or who screws over their tenants.  I despise slumlords, they hurt the perception of owners and they fuck over the poor.  I have a simple fix for them, I call code enforcement.  It does my heart to good to see these cheap shitty assholes have to shell out money to make their housing stock suitable for human habitation.  It gets better if they try to bribe the inspector.  In a roundabout way I managed to get one of the local inspectors arrested for soliciting a bribe last year, it scared the shit out of the rest of them.  Now none of them will take a bribe and I expect this fear to last another year or two.


----------



## Wraith (Feb 25, 2020)

I tell the illegal alien cleaning staff if they find any money, drugs, porn or food in the boss' desks, they're free to take it. Just leave a note saying Sam Hyde was there.


----------



## LinkinParkxNaruto[AMV] (Mar 7, 2021)

I am not super social, i am even a cunt sometimes but for some reason there's something about me that drives some to trust me way too much and feel intimate enough to tell me their life story in very little time. I am that person every other friend uses as a confidant to tell stuff they would not even tell their spouses and family but they'll open up with me somehow.

This means i have dirt in everyone i ever been acquainted with without asking for it,  not only that they tell me delicate personal stuff from themselves but shit on people that i never met but they have, like their families, romantic partners or other friends, strangers who don't know me yet i know intimate compromising stuff from them. Its got fucking crazy until i started getting away from everyone last couple years, i like to play armchair psychologist and be open minded and stuff but i need to trust other human beans too you know?, how the fuck do i do that when everyone tells me the awful shit they do at other people's back, it just makes me cynical. I have to date people and think they are just gonna cheat on me like the men and women who i've been friends with for years.

Don't get me wrong, there are nice people who have been nothing but sweet to me and who for some i owe a lot for their help over the years but they also done some terribly reprobate shit to their romantic partners and loved ones who sometimes were really good people and i liked them too. Why someone who is dating a 10/10 girl, with a job , degree and nice family , way out of his league be cheating with nigger skanks every weekend? how can you dump a guy you'd been dating for 10 years, who supported you, build a home for you, etc  after you reject his marriage proposal and you are married to someone else and pregnant in only a few months after with someone you just met? Both men and women are horrible and i am glad i know them as great friends and not as romantic partners.

Edit: i read the title wrong, i thought it was stuff they do that I secretly hate.


----------



## Mealy Mouth Spittle (Mar 7, 2021)

I've only really been a bitch to one co-worker and that is because she actually went to my boss to complain that we weren't inviting her to eat lunch with us.  So, we got "counseled" to include her.  The reason we didn't was because she would tell us weird stories about how she spent the evening making clothing for her Barbies or about the time she "accidentally" went to a gay bar or "experimented" in college with other girls (but totally not gay, though).  She was a total weirdo and while I could stand to work with her, expecting me to eat lunch with her was a bridge too far.

She also talked about her rabbi non-stop.  This was before I was an actual anti-semite, but I got tired of hearing what her rabbi would think about her lunch choice or working overtime, or literally anything that we were talking about.  So, I decided I was going to be the biggest fundie ever.  I bought all kinds of religious knick knacks and put the up around my cube, including the tackiest statue of Jesus right on top of my monitor.  Every time she mentioned her rabbi, I'd have to tell her what my (fictional) pastor told me that directly contradicted her rabbi.  Eventually she stopped mentioning her rabbi, but you could tell it pissed her off every time I told her that I try to always think "what would Jesus do?"

I don't know if she ever went to the boss to complain about my religious stuff but he probably wouldn't have cared because I was the best employee there and I never gave him any trouble.  I'm honestly surprised I was able to get away with it.  It might have even helped me get a promotion and be moved to another department.  My boss was the one who arranged the interview for me, so maybe that was his way of fixing the problem between us.  But it doubled my salary, so if that was my punishment, I bet it pissed her off even more.


----------



## SITHRAK! (Apr 18, 2021)

I don’t hate any individual that I deal with personally, secretly or not. But I do like a good prank. 
My nephew was (is) obsessed with fart jokes as his dad is a pretty simple guy, and they’re a staple of his comedy. Much to my sister’s horror he gets fart and bum related stuff from me on birthdays and at Christmas. Books, a fart gun from Despicable Me, fart putty, stink bombs and more. He’s gotten a bit older now, though, so I’m buying him weird stuff now, like coproliths and fossil shark teeth.

My co-workers used to get pranked too. I’d do things like alphabetise their keyboard and switch to Dvorak in settings. Other pranks include zip-tying chairs to desk legs, making and hiding ‘electronic crickets’, and placing scotch tape over passcard magnetic strips so they stopped working. Scotch tape was also great for covering mouse lasers and latch holes (so doors don’t shut properly).

Also, when at college, I once broke into my best friend’s dorm room and superglued all his shoes to the ceiling. Don’t ask me why. Seemed funny at the time.


----------



## Niggernerd (Apr 18, 2021)

>ssecretly hating family
never done that op, i usually tell them to fuck themselves and not talk to them


----------



## ogmudbone (Apr 22, 2021)

Existing.


----------



## DDBCAE CBAADCBE (May 21, 2021)

??? said:


> When I'm really bored I post ads on Craigslist, where I pretend to be an employer offering a job. I have occasionally targeted coworkers with this, but it's more of a fishing expedition.
> 
> I advertise for:
> 
> ...


I know it’s off but I just read this an honestly it opened my eyes and inspired me. Thank you.


----------



## vorcy (May 21, 2021)

Existing


----------



## Iron Jaguar (May 21, 2021)

Remember: petty revenge is the best kind. The cumulative effect of multiple acts of petty revenge is far greater than one large act, especially if they're done in a way that makes them plausibly deniable, because it makes the other party seem like a whiner or a lunatic to outsiders.


----------



## Battlecruiser3000ad (May 21, 2021)

LordofTendons said:


> This is how you set a desktop background image. I've watched multiple people spend hours trying to figure out how to get that one folder off of their desktop without calling IT.


It's also fun with a taskbar. Take a screenshot of a taskbar with, say, Pornhub browser minimized, set taskbar to auto-hide, put the screenshotted one into the wallpaper.


----------



## Billy Beer (May 21, 2021)

At one place i worked we had a communal fridge and food used to get eaten/taken, even if it had your name on it. I got pissed off with this and bought a cooler-box for the car and kept shit in there. Over the course of a few weeks i would bring in semi-skimmed milk that i had pissed in, sandwiches made with off/past the sell-by date meat and veg and i would wipe my nob around the bread.

Swapping the M and N keys on a keyboard is always a good laugh. Especially if the person isn't great with computers



Whatsup bud? said:


> I make it a habit of knowing the employment and work policies of anywhere I work ( state laws too) in case I have a shitty boss. Know your rights boys.



This is the best advice on the internet.

I worked at a place with a dick boss who threw his weight around, probably bullied in school.
I played dumb, he broke the employment law time after time.
He used to bring people in to meetings with HR and threaten to fire them unless they did thing
He did it to me. I used manipulation to make him lose his rag so he would flip out and fire me,
I hit him with an IRL 'ACKSHUALLY' and threw every procedure he had broken, at him.
They had a choice of firing him, while the company took the blame, or paying me out.


----------



## Chocolate Wombat (May 21, 2021)

I do internal tech support for a large company. The areas my department supports are somehow full of boomers who can't technology. Most of them are pretty chill and just glad to have someone to help them, but there are some who act like butthurt children from the moment the call starts. The best revenge in those situations is doing my job...to the letter. Do EXACTLY what my role expectations dictate and not even a tiny bit more to help them, even if it means they will be calling back 5 minutes later, pissed because they have encountered another facet of a complex problem. And because my department is pretty small, guess who they get to talk to?

Best advice I can give is to not piss off anyone you may need to rely upon for help.


----------



## neverendingmidi (May 21, 2021)

Another "torture the intern" thing I and a coworker did. We were having him energize equipment, right after he reached the point of being able to operate high voltage breakers by himself. I was walking him through it, showing him what to check if he was coming up to equipment that somebody else might have worked on, while my coworker sidled over to the light switch.

The intern charged the breaker, and the second he closed it, my coworker flipped the light switch, dropping us into darkness. Our intern just about shit himself trying to figure out what happened. Neither me nor my coworker were able to keep from laughing like idiots for very long, and the intern smacked us both.


----------



## Semi-Automatic Smile (May 21, 2021)

Occasionally when I’m working late I’ll find a spider in the nice coworker’s office and capture it with a piece of A4 paper and a coffee mug, then gently carry it across the hall to the neurotic coworker that nobody likes office and release it under her desk.


----------



## Dwight Frye (May 22, 2021)

I have a coworker that’s always a sad sack whining and complaining about something. Every time he starts in on his woe is me routine I pull out my phone and start playing sad violin music while he’s talking. He doesn’t bitch to me anymore


----------



## Billy Beer (May 22, 2021)

talk sh1t said:


> What did they do?


Bought me a new house


----------



## Nero You're DeadWeight (May 28, 2021)

Family wise, I just act like myself, I don't change a damn thing. I'm a happy hyper childish girl just doing her best.

My now ex-grandfather hated it and it makes me so happy to know the piece of shit is going to commit flip in minecraft one day. It's what he deserves after how badly he's treated my family.


----------



## 𝕺𝖑' 𝕯𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖞 𝕱𝖆𝖙𝖘𝖔 (Aug 19, 2021)

My asshole brother used to take out my laundry before it was finished drying, so I started to open the dryer door and leave it just slightly cracked whenever he put his shit in there as a plausibly deniable way of making his clothes sit around damp for a couple hours so they'd end up smelling soggy and gross.


----------



## Grundlejungle (Aug 19, 2021)

If I don't like you, I WILL piss in your sink. I have done this more times than I can count. Most sinks are at dick height relative to me, so it makes it even easier. 

I will never stop.


----------



## The-Patriarchy (Aug 23, 2021)

Drums, the gift that keeps on giving.


----------



## DoomsdayElite (Aug 25, 2021)

In 2010, I had this roommate. Guy would routinely eat stuff from the fridge that was mine, and he _knew_ it was mine, as I kept it all on one side and he kept his on the other. So I began to clip his sodas whenever he put a 12 pack in the fridge, and deny it when he asked me who took them-_and he believed me. _Once, he had some Chinese in there and I stole an entire box of chicken fingers he hadn't even touched. The coup de grace was when I jerked off into his Axe body wash-multiple times-after he helped himself to some lasagna my mother had prepared.


----------



## Kornula (Aug 25, 2021)

I don't secretly hate any one. I let everyone I know if I hate them.


----------



## blackmarketbaby (Aug 25, 2021)

I don't hate them but sometimes I'll lock one caster on road cases to watch the charity cases struggle to push them.


----------



## s0mbra (Aug 25, 2021)

SmotheredHope said:


> In 2010, I had this roommate. Guy would routinely eat stuff from the fridge that was mine, and he _knew_ it was mine, as I kept it all on one side and he kept his on the other. So I began to clip his sodas whenever he put a 12 pack in the fridge, and deny it when he asked me who took them-_and he believed me. _Once, he had some Chinese in there and I stole an entire box of chicken fingers he hadn't even touched. The coup de grace was when I jerked off into his Axe body wash-multiple times-after he helped himself to some lasagna my mother had prepared.


"The coup de grace was when I jerked off into his Axe body wash-multiple times-after he helped himself to some lasagna" 

Oh god please dont be this disgusting over just some foo-

"My mother had prepared"

Hope you edged for a few days first.

personally I'm a kill them with kindness person. The absolute rage people fly into when you just keep smiling is hefs kiss:


----------



## drfuzzyballs (Aug 26, 2021)

When I was drunk I went onto a bunch of those bullshit backround check websites using a much hated relative's phone number when it asked for information, signing her up for telemarketers by doing so. She plans on having a kid soon so I could also go the route of annoying or dangerous gifts in the future.


----------



## Akashic Retard (Sep 20, 2021)

I don't secretly hate anyone, that's gay. If I don't like someone they know it.


----------



## Ughubughughughughughghlug (Sep 22, 2021)

Act even more friendly and chipper.

usually I hate people because I think they hate me, so that being the case, expressing myself even more is the way to spite them.


----------



## PipTheAlchemist (Sep 22, 2021)

I call them racial slurs


----------



## SneedEyeMitch (Sep 22, 2021)

While drunk, I piss on their kitchen floor, then I fall asleep on the sofa. When they wake me up in the morning and sarcastically ask, do I need to use the toilet? I reply, yes, then I go back into their kitchen and piss on the floor again and leave the house.


----------



## Feline Supremacist (Sep 22, 2021)

idgaf, I don't think about them at all.


----------



## potatofarms (Sep 22, 2021)

i wrote fake letters from the local hospital with positive hiv tests and the patients name just out of view in the window envelope so my targets spouses/girlfriends open them by mistake.

brok up several long term relationships in a one week period, also the marks were all part of a social circle that was totally nuked


----------



## Spunt (Sep 22, 2021)

The-Patriarchy said:


> Drums, the gift that keeps on giving.


"If thine enemy offend thee, buyeth his child a drumkit."


----------



## Sage In All Fields (Sep 22, 2021)

I don't laugh when they make a joke and make them feel extremely awkward


----------



## Rungle (Sep 22, 2021)

My steph sister is not quite a smart girl and will constantly E-date by vcing idiots online around 2018/19

We have a rule in our house that we will not VC after 11 pm till 11 am.
Ofcourse she believes this rule does not apply to her and will constantly break it.
So I usually log onto our router and constantly reset it till the point that she gives up (She is unaware that she also could use it on her phone back then.)

Fast forward to today.

She had already 4 online BF's, all claiming the same thing: She's fucking retarded and annoyingly commanding, and when she does not get what she wants she will break up with you.

She still calls people during those time peroids and quite tempted to cut her ethernet cable and claiming that one of our cats nibbled on it.

Now she plays SecondLife alot, and yesterday she met a troll that was constantly fucking with her telling her she was nothing.

She called in sick to her job because she could not stand the "Harassment" on the internet.

We should put an EQ lock on the internet so the emotionally retarded cannot access it.


----------



## Karl der Grosse (Sep 22, 2021)

VIVIsectVI said:


> In 2010, I had this roommate. Guy would routinely eat stuff from the fridge that was mine, and he _knew_ it was mine, as I kept it all on one side and he kept his on the other. So I began to clip his sodas whenever he put a 12 pack in the fridge, and deny it when he asked me who took them-_and he believed me. _Once, he had some Chinese in there and I stole an entire box of chicken fingers he hadn't even touched. The coup de grace was when I jerked off into his Axe body wash-multiple times-after he helped himself to some lasagna my mother had prepared.



I was with you, right up until the last sentence.


----------



## Julie Newmar (Sep 22, 2021)

The Director of Operations where I work is pretty tightly wound. Like he’s legit super fit and eats well but will no doubt die of a massive heart attack one day. I like to annoy him to speechlessness when I can and since he’s also HR he can’t freak out like he wants to. 
I got a shirt printed with dozens of pictures of his face on it.


----------



## Iron Jaguar (Sep 22, 2021)

*minor PL ahead*

The Safety Officer on my current job site is a complete buffoon who constantly interferes with actual work, in order to justify his (worthless) existence.
This is a $20 million project and I am the contractor upon whom all else must wait: if I can't get my work done, nothing else on the job can go ahead, yet the Safety Officer has repeatedly taken needless actions that have caused delays. He's a total Gamma personality, so can't be dealt with like a normal man.
The other guys on site know not to touch certain items of equipment that the Safety Officer has put himself in charge of. - Why, you ask? Well, it's because I piss on them every morning.


----------



## Spunt (Sep 22, 2021)

Just after I graduated I worked a shitty data entry job at a bank that involved inputting credit card-related stuff into a geriatric AS-400 database. The screen was a simple ASCII interface, but you could set the colour of the text and the background.

There was one immensely irritating woman who worked there who everybody hated. She was so dim she would forget her password at least once a week and accuse us of changing it rather than admit that she had the IQ of warm sick. You were supposed to lock your screen whenever you left your desk (you were messing around with people's credit ratings and personal info) but amongst many other things she never bothered.

So we would set both her text and background colour to black when she left her workstation unlocked. This was almost unrecoverable and required the IT people to go into the database and manually edit the values under her profile so she could see her screen again (after about an hour of her trying to work out what was wrong). It took them fucking ages to fix each time and we did this at least twice a week, and she did not learn the lesson about locking her workstation in the slightest. Eventually IT were so sick of fixing her colours and resetting her password that they complained to the higher-ups and she was fired.

And there was much rejoicing.


----------



## neverendingmidi (Sep 22, 2021)

Spunt said:


> Just after I graduated I worked a shitty data entry job at a bank that involved inputting credit card-related stuff into a geriatric AS-400 database. The screen was a simple ASCII interface, but you could set the colour of the text and the background.
> 
> There was one immensely irritating woman who worked there who everybody hated. She was so dim she would forget her password at least once a week and accuse us of changing it rather than admit that she had the IQ of warm sick. You were supposed to lock your screen whenever you left your desk (you were messing around with people's credit ratings and personal info) but amongst many other things she never bothered.
> 
> ...


Idiot.

I once was screwing around with a limited o-scope’s settings, it was for capturing transients, so it was a setup and forget kind of thing, with something like each channel being separate from the rest. Well I set it up like a rainbow with a black background (mostly because that was about as much as you could change it visibly), saved the setup, and then changed it back using a previous saved setup. So then it would only take half a second to change from one to another. I changed it before I left one day, and ended up getting called over to that station, the guy (old guy) didn’t know about saved setups, and he’d been fighting with it for 45 minutes to fix it.

I laughed, loaded the setup that said something like “standard capture setup” or something. I mean it was pretty much the equivalent of inverting a screen, but I didn’t realize he didn’t know about using saved setups.


----------



## PipTheAlchemist (Sep 23, 2021)

catpin said:


> My steph sister is not quite a smart girl and will constantly E-date by vcing idiots online around 2018/19
> 
> We have a rule in our house that we will not VC after 11 pm till 11 am.
> Ofcourse she believes this rule does not apply to her and will constantly break it.
> ...


Second Life is still a thing?


----------



## Rungle (Sep 23, 2021)

PipTheAlchemist said:


> Second Life is still a thing?


Sadly yes, my family loves secondlife while I think its dumb and like my MMO's with RPG elements.
My steph mom and my dad used to play it alot and thats how their relationship grew. My dad evetually stopped playing however my steph mom introduced it to my steph sister, which was a big mistake.

As seen from my previous post the kid (19) cannot handle the internet, and doesn't understand its many unspoken rules and believes the her internet and her reality are very close.
She calls herself a technology expert while im the one with a degree in IT in the family.

For example, when I tried to set up our Wifi repeater in house it wasnt optimally working due to the distance between the device and the router.
I could get internet in my bedroom however she did not.
Told my dad I'd look at it after I came back from internship (5 or 8 hours)

Finally came back and saw that the retard covered both the router and the repeater in tinfoil.
Asked her what the fuck she was doing
"I read on the internet tinfoil helps the WiFi"
Had to explain to her that a router is using radiowaves just like a microwave, do you know what happens when you put this shit in a microwave?
She didnt want to hear it and told me to keep it on.
I ripped off the tinfoil which has already become very warm and threw it away.

She bitches about the tinfoil and told her to fuck herself.
She goes to my dad and bitches to him.
Dad didn't want to deal with her retard shit after work so he just told me to keep it on and he'll rip it off later.

Eventually he ripped it off.
Internet was still shit.
She didnt say anything about the fiasco because we just drilled some holes and got everyone ethernetcables and a switch which I only can control.

This is one of many stories I have with this absolute digital tumor of the family.


----------



## Justanotherguy (Sep 23, 2021)

catpin said:


> and a switch which I only can control.


Why do you need to control it


----------



## Dr. Geronimo (Sep 23, 2021)

I have a coworker that pisses me off, so every morning I'll push in the passenger mirror of his truck.


----------



## Rungle (Sep 23, 2021)

Justanotherguy said:


> Why do you need to control it


Im the only techsav guy in the family.
She tends to fuck with shit she doesn't understand, trying to fix it.
Before you know it she covers that shit in tinfoil too.
This way I can prevent her from performing her "solutions" and if she keeps shouting in her microphone, easily pull the plug so I can go to bed.


----------



## The-Patriarchy (Sep 24, 2021)

Justanotherguy said:


> Why do you need to control it


I suspect to keep someone with the technical skill of "monkies typing shakespeare" from messing up network connectivity for the whole house


----------



## CaseyTatumm (Jan 1, 2022)

My mom talks shit about everyone in the family and constantly tries to pry everyone about other people’s business. She’s a very toxic person and I don’t talk to her often because of it. When I do, she always tries to talk shit about people and says a lot of things like “well you know how SHE is”. I like to pretend to play like I don’t know what she is getting at, ask her what she means and try to make her elaborate. It always gets her flustered but I get a good laugh about it later.


----------



## BelUwUga (Jan 3, 2022)

I had two low-level woke commissars at work decide to try and teach me a "lesson" about being a prejudiced bigot. Apparently they had heard me sarcastically say "Oh yeah you know me, _huge racist"_ to a coworker sarcastically and my suggestion that a 100lb girl might not be the best candidate to move cargo all day that weighs many times that. So of course they hire the twig Niqqi.  I would have happily managed femme-Hitler if they were good at their job. I don't care about race, gender, or anything other than competence. Throwing a shitfit might have solved that specific hiring problem but it wasn't going to stop this fucktarded grudge. If they were going to teach me a lesson I was going to give an intensive master class on black pills.

So "Niqqi" starts in my warehouse and I decide to go above and beyond on training. There's little real work on the first training day so it was uneventful. I could see the smugness of the HR girls when I provided a glowing review on the first day. Little did they know this was the calm before the storm. Niqqi only did orders weighing less than 20lbs her second day. I had to explain everyone has equal expectations, she said she could handle the lifting, and it wasn't fair to my other personnel to do that. Imagine my surprise when she had another simp employee simply do her heavy orders. Nice try Niqqi but I'm the ERP admin with CCTV access, I am all seeing and all knowing. So I just sorted incoming orders by weight and manually processed all the heavy orders I could. How can she hide that she isn't doing heavy orders when there are _only_ heavy orders?

Satisfied with the grave Niqqi dug, I submitted my collected evidence to the HR lead. I had empirical evidence that she was doing just about every negative stereotype you could imagine. I was under a microscope so I had plenty of people vouching that if anything, I had done the most to set her up for success. My reward was her chimping out in less than three days and getting fired. I about got an erection when the HR lady asked for a closed door meeting with me, her, and the two commissars on the resolution to this problem. Hearing a 50+ Canadian woman say "Going forward we won't be considering female candidates for the warehouse" was like music to my ears. I could _see _ that light in the commissars eyes dim a little bit as the image of their hero and role model destroyed itself in front of them. Moral: Leave me alone. Never try and teach me a lesson.


----------



## Fentanyl Floyd (Jan 4, 2022)

I cannot stand my cousin OP. Whenever he's at a family gathering he always goes around asking people to stick their dicks in his mouth. My uncle Jack Goldman is usually the one who ends up doing it so he'll shut up. So annoying.


----------



## cowboytakeshi (Jan 4, 2022)

When dealing with family members who are YAY SCIENCE types with politics/whatever pseudo science is going around, just asking why is that? or explain some more when they bring up some article or thing they just read to look smart. It eventually gets to the point where they have laid out that they don't understand what they're talking about or they get flustered after the third why. I'm terrible at debating and am pretty dumb myself, but this works and they can't get reasonably mad at you since you're just asking simple questions.


----------



## Cilleystring (Jan 4, 2022)

Not voting for the liberal party 
Not believing all the propaganda 
Not causing a scene about the above two points


----------



## GorillaGhost (Apr 7, 2022)

I refuse to help people I hate. 
Then I avoid them.


----------



## GorillaGhost (Apr 7, 2022)

Rungle said:


> Sadly yes, my family loves secondlife while I think its dumb and like my MMO's with RPG elements.
> My steph mom and my dad used to play it alot and thats how their relationship grew. My dad evetually stopped playing however my steph mom introduced it to my steph sister, which was a big mistake.
> 
> As seen from my previous post the kid (19) cannot handle the internet, and doesn't understand its many unspoken rules and believes the her internet and her reality are very close.
> ...


Online games of any kind are fucking lame. Not only do you have to continually pay for most of them, unholy assholes can just waltz in and fuck up your progress. Plus I hate the way most of them work anyway. Fuck MMORPGs. I'd rather play Castlevania.


----------



## Bass (Apr 12, 2022)

So my 4 year old has a problem with sneaking food behind our back and getting into things we don't want her to have.  Specifically marshmallow fluff.  We've yelled, we've talked, we've threatened and nothing works she just keeps getting into it, and worse, she's blatant about it and will just get in it as soon as she thinks we aren't looking, so Mom and I decided to teach her a lesson.  

We threw away the fluff and replaced what was in the jar with miracle whip, and then we waited.  Sure enough she walks by us in the living room and we hear the fridge open.  Mrs Bass told her don't you dare get into the fluff and she said she wouldn't.  About a minute later she stomps out into the living room and is just staring at us like she wants us to die.  We asked what's the matter and I think she figured out she was beat because she said nothing she just left and went to her room.  If she complained she's admitting she lies to us and she's in trouble.  Lesson learned.


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## Quantum Diabetes (Apr 12, 2022)

I get trash diggers in the alley, they especially like to look for aluminum cans. I make sure to (in the annoying neighbors can) dump the nastiest shit on top of the bags, like a full fermented dip spitter or my recent drunken wild Irish rose bumwine puke from a Walgreens bag I puked into.


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## Grundlejungle (Apr 12, 2022)

Quantum Diabetes said:


> I get trash diggers in the alley, they especially like to look for aluminum cans. I make sure to (in the annoying neighbors can) dump the nastiest shit on top of the bags, like a full fermented dip spitter or my recent drunken wild Irish rose bumwine puke from a Walgreens bag I puked into.



I the exact same problem when I was doing a remodel. I ended up emptying the week's contents of the cat box on top of the trash can every trash day so they'd have to dig through turds. Worked like a charm


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## Quantum Diabetes (Apr 12, 2022)

Grundlejungle said:


> I the exact same problem when I was doing a remodel. I ended up emptying the week's contents of the cat box on top of the trash can every trash day so they'd have to dig through turds. Worked like a charm


Oh yeah cat turds are the good deterrent


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## Panzermensch (Apr 12, 2022)

My cousin (almost 26) is a fucking idiot, for a short time she lived with me and my husband (she was about 23-24). She had the (non existent) balls to tell me I would get AIDS and die because I was telling her she couldn't get on the internet for a minute because I was patching a part of my network that she fucking broke. She decided one night to help herself to the 4K TV without asking and watch Rick and Morty out of all shows and thought we were asleep. So I decided to load up my remote controlling abilities (we use a PC for everything like streaming services and such on that TV) and started running gay porn on the tv. All I heard was her nearly puking and both me and my husband were laughing our ass off. She now has a child and is still an annoying bitch.

But that is one of the many stories of that cousin.


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## CWCissey (Apr 12, 2022)

Quantum Diabetes said:


> I get trash diggers in the alley, they especially like to look for aluminum cans. I make sure to (in the annoying neighbors can) dump the nastiest shit on top of the bags, like a full fermented dip spitter or my recent drunken wild Irish rose bumwine puke from a Walgreens bag I puked into.


I get the opposite. I get flytippers because my neighbours are too lazy/stupid to recycle and so fill up their black bins well before they get picked up every 3 weeks. 

First I attached a bike chain to my black bin so only I could get in, so they started putting their crap in my brown bin (bottles and plastic only) so I tipped that shit all over their back garden. 

Needless to say they didn't do it again after that.


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## Iron Jaguar (Apr 12, 2022)

> Wait until boss is on holiday.
 > Obtain boss's set of work keys and favourite tea mug.
> Put keys in mug, then piss in mug.
> Super glue mug to ceiling above boss's desk.


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## Panzermensch (Apr 12, 2022)

Iron Jaguar said:


> > Wait until boss is on holiday.
> > Obtain boss's set of work keys and favourite tea mug.
> > Put keys in mug, then piss in mug.
> > Super glue mug to ceiling above boss's desk.


you forgot to turn the liquid in the mug into ice before super gluing it.


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## BelUwUga (Aug 9, 2022)

This is one you can really only get away with once. That said it is an incredibly strong move for venting some frustration with whoever you're corresponding with. Notice that on a standard QWERTY keyboard the 'T' and the 'G' are right beside each other. It would be _so easy_ for a finger to slip and for you to hit send on that post/email before you even notice. Can somebody really prove it _wasn't_ just a typo? Do with this information what you will.

Retards.


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## Kel1 shi1 (Aug 9, 2022)

BelUwUga said:


> This is one you can really only get away with once. That said it is an incredibly strong move for venting some frustration with whoever you're corresponding with. Notice that on a standard QWERTY keyboard the 'T' and the 'G' are right beside each other. It would be _so easy_ for a finger to slip and for you to hit send on that post/email before you even notice. Can somebody really prove it _wasn't_ just a typo? Do with this information what you will.
> 
> Retards.



A company I worked for hired a manager who was an absolute ballbag, full of himself bigshot who thought he was better than all the staff there just because at one time he had worked for a big corporate name. He hadn't worked for them, but a company contracted by them. His name was Julian, I sent a few emails starting "Hi Julia". That typo plausible deniability.


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## neverendingmidi (Aug 9, 2022)

This is kind of a mutual attack between me and two other guys in my office. One of the guys started with rubber bands. Hitting everybody in view with them. We of course retaliated. Eventually one of the other guys who the first targeted a lot brought in a Nerf gun with the foam balls that are an inch, inch and a half. The first guy brought in a dart gun. Then they started targeting me. Now I have one of those Nerf hyper type guns, which fires these small gel foam balls that are maybe 1/2 inch at 110fps. The two other guys have also upgraded.

I'm curious how long this will go on before we all end up in HR. Our boss retires at the end of the year so he's hit "fuckit".


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## K-Hole (Aug 9, 2022)

Spunt said:


> Just after I graduated I worked a shitty data entry job at a bank that involved inputting credit card-related stuff into a geriatric AS-400 database. The screen was a simple ASCII interface, but you could set the colour of the text and the background.
> 
> There was one immensely irritating woman who worked there who everybody hated. She was so dim she would forget her password at least once a week and accuse us of changing it rather than admit that she had the IQ of warm sick. You were supposed to lock your screen whenever you left your desk (you were messing around with people's credit ratings and personal info) but amongst many other things she never bothered.
> 
> ...




Ah, the old pre-Win95 version of screenshotting someone's desktop, deleting all their icons, then putting the new screenshot up as their new 'desktop' image.

Devious. 

But effective.


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## Ughubughughughughughghlug (Aug 9, 2022)

I have a coworker who, if he fails this test, will be kicked out. How do I break his confidence so he fails?


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## CharcoalChkn (Aug 9, 2022)

Definitely annoying.

But starting an email chain for everything.

Fuck you, I am NOT taking the blame for the shitty instructions you gave me verbally or over slack. I want a paper trail present for when you try to blame me for your mistake.

It makes my co-worker seethe to no end because he always tries to use me as a fall guy or just straight up ignore the emails so I can't use them as back-up, if he ignores and gives verbal communication, I simply reply to the email with notes of our conversation and to please verify if there is any mistakes or additional instructions.


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## Milwaukee Macho Man (Aug 10, 2022)

When I worked at a grocery store in high school, every time someone would get fired or quit I'd draw a huge "gang style" memorial on the public bathroom stall for them in sharpie because the night manager I didn't like would be tasked with repainting the whole stall every time it happened.

I drew one for myself when I quit and said something to him offhandedly about how dumb it was that the store kept repainting it because Sharpie could be washed off with hand sanitizer.  He was pretty pissed off.


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## PipTheAlchemist (Aug 10, 2022)

I smear my shit all over the walls when taking a shit


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## Grundlejungle (Aug 14, 2022)

I do everything I can to not just make myself an excellent guest, I make myself an _incredible_ guest. I'm talking bringing booze/food/weed/etc EVERY time I am invited to a place. I mainly do this so that people think I'm awesome. I do however, have a dark ritual that I am compelled to perform very regularly: I intentionally take massive noisy explosive catastrophically smelly diarrhea shits, in order to establish social dominance. My diet consists of large amounts of fiber, protein, and approximately 2 to 3 pots of black coffee every day, in order to achieve my heinous results.  The bowl is often left splattered ( mainly on the right side of the toilet) with a thick layer of poop with the aroma of a fetid corpse in August that has the consistency of soft peanut butter, making it require an aggressive scrubbing. Nothing makes people quite as uncomfortable (and establishes as much dominance) as 15 minutes of aggressive grunting and extreme farting echoing loudly from the bathroom (and throughout their domicile), followed them by having to perform a half hour of the most intense cleaning of their lives.

In spite of this, I have an over 90% reinvitation rate. 7% of the failures are intentional, because sometimes I don't want to go back to a place so I just act like a fucking dickhead because I hate those people and just don't want to deal with them anymore.

The only minor negative of my lifestyle choice, is that if I need to leave the house at 7:30 I would have to wake up at 6:00 a.m. in order to have about 45 minutes of explosive diarrhea (To me it is not a restroom, I'm fighting for my motherfucking life in there).
Posted whilst shitting aggressively on my toilet.


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