# Most Embarrassing Sex Stories



## Cuck Norris (Mar 30, 2016)

Post your most embarrassing sex stories.



Spoiler: Content



One time my ex and I were really drunk and she randomly stopped riding me cuz she really had to pee. I didn't realize what was going on so I thrusted a bit and she pissed all over me.


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## HG 400 (Mar 30, 2016)

Once I fucked @KatsuKitty


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## Petronella (Mar 30, 2016)

My first time was with a Craigslist prostitute. When I showed up I realized she'd been smoking pot so I had to go huff hand sanitizer so I wouldn't get triggered, but after that we had such a good time that I even got her a lovely gift basket.


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## Bassomatic (Mar 30, 2016)

Girl I was dating for a bit in undergrad was older than I was by a bit I was pretty used to sex and slutted around in college but wasn't "kinky" persay and she got me to try out anal. I really didn't know some girls really dig it. 

We did anal a lot and the end was coming near some dirty talk happened she was gonna finish me off in her mouth. I'm inches away from her face and neither of us are thinking. No it's not going where you think it is, she had a brief second remembering wait A2M is bad... she looked at me "wait I can't!" burst into tears and ran into the bathroom. 

Had to finish myself off and then went to check on her #niceguy. She was really embarrassed she almost did that and more so she left me hanging. Clearly like a gentleman I told all my friends this story, I didn't lose a nickname about it for years. 

So yes, hows that an non scat ATM story. If anyone wants I have a few dozen more, as I said I was kinda a whore in college.


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## MerriedxReldnahc (Mar 30, 2016)

All my sex knowledge comes from fanfiction, that's pretty embarrassing.


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## GodWarrior (Mar 30, 2016)

I'm like a 4/10 at best with a muscular frame, so I look for other 4/10s and chicks that look like they almost have physical disorders. I'm not ashamed or proud of this, it's just fucking survival for a guy that looks like me. Just make sure you're fit and hygienic, and for the love of god, get a haircut.

Anyway, there's this chick that looks like a real axe-wound, (I say that 'cause I'm not much better), and she's all gums with a fair amount of facial hair. I'm totally cool with this, because now I associate hideously ugly women with ejaculation. Technically all my sex stories are embarrassing, but whatever. 

I met her at the library in my college. She dressed like your typical grunge-era girl, which is strange 'cause this was like two years ago and she was a year younger than me. Anyway, I commented on a book she was reading and we got to talking. I invited her to a little get-together I was having with some buddies, and she agreed. I'll gloss over how the party went, but we ended up in an intimate situation. I was a little surprised, considering it was just one date, but I happily agreed.

Well, we're getting into the thick of it all, and I realized I couldn't get it up. I had a lot to drink, so I guess the pipes just weren't running right. So, I immediately panicked, 'cause I don't want her to think it's her fault. So, in my desperation, I just start smacking my dick against her body in an attempt to get hard. In my stupor, I didn't realize how hard I was hitting her with it and how wildly inappropriate it was. So after about a minute of smacking her with my cock, I just gave up and went down on her. I noticed how shocked she looked after the experience, but I didn't want to draw attention to it. Eventually I managed to maintain a half-chub and finished up.

But that's not the worst of it. I was holding in my pee most of the time, but I was super exhausted. I ended up just falling asleep on her bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and staring at the bathroom for minutes, but I just couldn't find the strength to get to the bathroom. So, as I stared at the bathroom, I just started pissing. The kind of piss that actually hurts the tip of your dick from the force. Throughout all of this, she just didn't wake up. I was fucking soaking her bed, and she didn't wake up. 

After the pissening, I went back to sleep. Call it divine intervention, or call it my brain's alarm clock, but I managed to wake up before her. I hastily gathered my things, wrung-out my urine soaked boxers, and just booked it out of there. And don't ask why I did it, but I left 20 bucks on her kitchen table. At the time I figured it would allow her to buy new bedsheets.

She never called me again and I never called her. I don't know if she knows that I pissed the bed, or she thinks that she did. Either way, I still wince when I think about it. That's the worst sex story I've ever had, but I have a few more that are still pretty bad. If there's interest, I'll write a few more.


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## Bassomatic (Mar 31, 2016)

OP doesn't state it has to be embarrassing for me..... As I said I was pretty bad a whore and a dick in college.

I swear there is guilt about this now, but only some. So there was a girl in one of my electives, tbh I forget what one. She was pretty into me, cute but insanely vapid. She'd always ask to hang out and I liked company to study so we often hung. I made it pretty clear I wasn't into her sorta had a g/f and she was wearing on my nerves. So I got social experiment on her. I tried distancing myself, politely to no avail. At first came taxes like bring me coffee and then breakfast to spend time.

She at some point could tell I was pretty much using her and she would step up her flatteries and the such. Now the building we were in was 4 floors, and the top had an empty area where the bathrooms were and some higher level classes (math iirc) only taught in the after noon but you had to get past the main block to get to the empty wing.

As I was eating my delivered breakfast, flirting was heavy, and I finally gave in after some loose offers. I said I want you to suck me off. But where? Parking lot was busy as it was like 11ish. I wasn't taking her to my place and she had roomates. Enter the wing. Now this wing had the only rest rooms on the floor. So I talk her into sneaking into the mens room with me.

She's blowing me in the stall (classy as fuck I'm aware) the evil of, Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Judas all over come my mind. I'm done with this as the head isn't good and unless I throw a nuke she will think we are married or something. I pull out splatter her face and grab my books yank my pants half way up sprinting "late for class gotta go". So I left her jizz soaked face in a mens room.

I have a few others I will write up.


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## Bassomatic (Mar 31, 2016)

Forgive the multi posting, I am in a writing mood and rather split the stories.

I was just coming out of a bad relationship, well as bad as break ups get for high schoolers. I took some time away from girls and was in school mostly being social a few hook ups. 

I finally found a girl who made me melt. We met through a club but weren't local. So we met like 2 times in person but talked daily and AIM (dating myself here) we were falling as 19 year old do. I told her I wasn't trying to rush and really not ready for anything. She was coming over and this was the first time I've shared a bed in a while. It was going to be that, she said let's not tempt our self and I threw out all my condoms just so we "had" to not do it. Yet I'm writing this so you can see how good an idea that was.

Even though we hadn't spent a ton of in person time we meshed very well, watched some cartoons probably like sealab 2021 or Simpsons. Just talked and hung out. Time to snuggle and get to sleep. She tells me oh yea I know we aren't having sex but I sleep naked. OH. OH OK. So my crush/gf/friend just strips down in front of me and hops into my twin I go down to my boxers and climb in as well. Neither of us are very big people but twins get, friendly quickly with two in them.

At least a good night kiss? She asks. I lean in and her tongue goes down my throat. Her tongue went down, something on me clearly went up. We are kissing and she says, I'm ready and I want to be with you. The dry spell my emotions and hormones are all saying lets go. I roll on top of her and she says "I'm on my period that's not an issue right? We can just put a towel down" I'm a single man in college I don't have spare towels (I've since named all my sex towel's the towel of 1000 shames) So we get one of the two I own. and plop it down.

I roll back on top of her and aim for the goal. I freeze up as some part of my brain is getting enough blood to go, uh bassomatic, don't do this. Her eyes look up at me like a broken puppy. "what's wrong?" I uhh... it's dark I don't want to mess things up. The best lie I could cook up in the time I had. She grabs me and puts me in her, and says I think you know what to do.

Our passion filled love making is on going and it's almost time to finalize it. Now for those who are male, know at the 9.8 scale you become weaker than a low birth weight baby seal. "It's ok I love you" She grabs my ass and rows me into her till I blow. Then it gets better, "because I'm on my period we don't need b/c" WAAAAAAAAAT? You don't know how you work there and I just ... oh god oh god.... I felt dizzy from the orgasm but more so from her insanity, and mistake on her own bodies function.

At that point, we go to shower I figure plan B will work for two rounds as well as one and pop another in her in the shower. 

How I'm not a father or with more STD's than Nurgle I'll never know.


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## Bassomatic (Mar 31, 2016)

Last one for now, promise forgive the awful forum behavior.
I was hosting a party at my apartment, rare for me even though I had my own place and lived alone. 

Needless to say it was heavy drinking, playing cards a small get together but a few people I didn't know. This stunning red head who was friends of a friend was really digging me. We got to making out. I was past drunk, I mean even in early 20s I was gonna have a day long hang over drunk, I'm sure the diet of ramen, doritios and quad stackers (those were my jam back when I had a labor job) wasn't help my stomach when mixed with bottom shelf vodka and yuenglings till the cows came home.

Party was winding down and we all were crashing were we did, some people stumbling back to campus, others their places, few on my couch. Pretty standard. So the red head who was into me all night was clearly drunk (she had to be she liked me and thought I'm cute) she says she's staying in my bed I can sleep where I want. ( don't know how she knows I love aggressive women). So I jump in and we start fooling around. We exchange each and every kind of foreplay. 

I reach in my night stand for a condom, and shes thankful as she was in need of the real "D"eal. My stomach lets me know this is not going to happen. I go green, BADLY. Thankfully it's dark or she'd see I doubled as a ninja turtle in skin tone instead of my albino's butt white normal. I tell her, I am embarrassed and I am not good at putting a condom on and had be dry for a bit or something, now my bathroom was attached to the bedroom. I sprint in and projectile vomit for a full minute (count to 60 if this doesn't seem long). Still being drunk to a stupor and with a raging hard on. I fumble with the condom so I was only partially lying. 

The door pops open, I flush and say sorry I needed to pee too. Finally cover myself up and she grabs me and throws her tongue in my mouth. No brushing no rinse.... she doesn't know as she keeps kissing me. After the sex, I brushed my teeth and passed out I was too embarrassed to tell her and I wouldn't kiss in her in the morning. We kept in touch for a bit and I never told her.


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## cypocraphy (Apr 1, 2016)

I bit a dates ass too hard and she deflated and flew around the room and out my window.


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## Ariel (Apr 1, 2016)

big baby jesus said:


> I bit a dates ass too hard and she deflated and flew around the room and out my window.


Officer Nasty?


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## JU 199 (Apr 1, 2016)

When I masturbate I'm thinking of you


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## Cthulu (Apr 1, 2016)

Me too


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## HypeBeast (Apr 1, 2016)

I'm a born again virgin,  not like you slutz.


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## Philosophy Zombie (Apr 1, 2016)

One time I really wanted a ginger root up my butt so I begged one of my friends to put it in for me, but he refused because he's a stuck-up prude. After that I started crying because I wanted it so badly, but then I sort of forgot about it because he took me to McDonalds and then it was okay.


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## Cthulu (Apr 1, 2016)

I'll fap to that too


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## YI 457 (Apr 1, 2016)

Ass to ass.


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## JU 199 (Apr 1, 2016)

I did it with a platypus once


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## GS 281 (Apr 2, 2016)

I jerked to a honeypot where people posted legit stories.


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## Petronella (Apr 2, 2016)

So here's one that actually happened and isn't just me being a dumbass uueen: I once accidentally switched up lube and Vicks Vaporub and proceeded to accidentally slap the latter all up in an ex's vagoo.

Edited to add: We're still very good friends and she occasionally jokes about the time I "improved her vagina's breathing", haha


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## Bassomatic (Apr 6, 2016)

I got one more I want to throw in here.

I was like 17 ish and my bedroom was weird and had french doors (not some billionaire I assure you) my bed was horizontal to the doors, I had a girl over and closed the doors, we were fooling around as teens do. I thought the house was empty but I always closed the door just incase. Coulda swore I locked it.

We advance our sloppy making out and heavy petting and I sit on the bed facing the doors and she gets on her knees and goes to town. Being teens you are scared of those scary sex noises so we had some music on, I can't for the life of me remember.

I'm watching as she's doing work and out of the top of my vision. I see my dad. He's got an arm full of my laundry. Thankfully the girl is faced back to him. I go whiter than bone. He looks shocked. He slowly closes the door as silently as possible and throws a thumbs up.

We didn't speak of it for years.


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## ShittyRecolor (Apr 6, 2016)

The plot of Showgirls.


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## Cheeseburger Picnic (Apr 7, 2016)

don't touch anybody's genitals if you sliced up jalapenos for guacamole at any point in the previous 24 hours but if you do you better have saved some of that guacamole as a peace offering.


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## meatslab (Apr 8, 2016)

The most embarrassing sex story has nothing to do with bodily functions, fluids, or getting caught by parents. Mine has to do with being the most embarrassed for someone else that I've ever been in my entire life.

The first boyfriend I ever had was an absolute loser. On top of that he was emotionally abusive and cheated on me all 5 years we were together. Even worse stopped showering, brushing his teeth, and wondered why I never wanted to fuck him.

At the end of our relationship I was pretty tired of it all. I then cheated on my boyfriend with this older guy I met (yeah yeah I know it was bad). He found out and flipped out but I continued to see this guy.

One day I get a call from the guy I was seeing. He tells me the funniest thing happened to him the night before. He tells me my boyfriend got onto my computer, got into my Yahoo IM and BEGGED this guy to tell him how to please me better in the bedroom. I curled up in a ball and groaned. He said he took screen shots and wanted to show me how hilarious they were next time I came over but I declined because I just was so fucking embarrassed.


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## Morbid Boredom (Apr 8, 2016)

I fukt ur mom #tyced


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## Bogs (Apr 9, 2016)

The night before my 23rd birthday, my girlfriend was staying over. She was being strangely distant since she came over, like she was in a deep pensive mood. We were kissing for a short while, but she cut me off, "no, not tonight..." I asked her what was wrong, how she was acting quite strange, was it something I did, something I said etc. She just said "just let me sleep, okay?" I let her.
I woke up the next day, I kissed her on the forehead and she woke up, she usually woke up with a scowl which I found adorable. I went in for a second kiss, but she pushed me off. "I gotta go to the bathroom, sorry." At this point, I was like "what the fuck?" I didn't say anything, and waited for her to return. When she returned, she stood in front of my bed, looking at me. I was like "hey listen, what the fuck is wrong? You can tell me, you know."
"I'm pregnant."
Shock hit me like an electric fence in the rain, I look away, the only thing I managed to say was "But it's my birthday..."
"IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?! YOUR BIRTHDAY'S TOMORROW!"
(bitch is telling me she's pregnant and she forgot my birthday.)
"NO IT'S FUCKING NOT!"
"Well fuck fuck fuck, forget I said anything. It's probably just a scare...I'm going to make you breakfast. Sorry I forgot your birthday."
I'm left there thinking "well fuck, I'm going to be a dad." (her family was pretty Catholic), for the rest of the day it was all I could think about. Anytime I tried to bring it up with her, but shut me down. Happy birthday to me...
The next day, she gave me my present (_The Complete Moonin Comic Strip_) but two days later gave me my real birthday present. A text which read 'Period just came. Panic over.'

tl;dr bitch told me she was pregnant on my birthday


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## Locksnap (Apr 11, 2016)

got cum on me shirt


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## UselessRubberKeyboard (Apr 11, 2016)

An ex wanted me to moo when he was fucking me.  Couldn't decide whether it was an insult or fucking hilarious, but he was deadly serious.  The noise turned him on, apparently.  I have no clue.  

Same dude also liked licking eyeballs.  No sir.


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## TheMightyMonarch (Apr 12, 2016)

One gave a BJ and almost fucked a guy in a parking lot. Pretty ratchet of me.

Also there have been times where  the guy I'm trying to have sex with thrusts but doesn't penetrate me. Maybe because I'm not open enough. Idk.


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## Bogs (Apr 12, 2016)

TheMightyMonarch said:


> Also there have been times where  the guy I'm trying to have sex with thrusts but doesn't penetrate me. Maybe because I'm not open enough. Idk.


This happened to me throughout an entire relationship. We just gave up.


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## SpacePanther (Apr 12, 2016)

Spoiler: I don't even know how to begin with this



As kind of a fun, sexy thing my husband had me have one of these little bunny vibrators in my pants that was going while I was talking to his parents because we were stupid and his parents dog was the only one who could hear it so he stared me dead in the crotch, cocked his head, and started growling. I told them it was just my phone vibrating and ran upstairs to turn the thing off. We're stupid.


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## TheMightyMonarch (Apr 13, 2016)

Not me (cause I rarely have sex) but one of my friends had sex while _Johnny Test_ was on tv in the background. 

Klassy.


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## Petronella (Apr 20, 2016)

My husband just told me about this one: years ago he, his girlfriend at the time, and some friends were hanging out at another friend's place. Hubs and Hubs-ex were feeling frisky so they went into the bedroom to fool around. Meanwhile the guys in the other room started playing Mario. 

Hubs took inspiration from this and started fucking her to the beat of the Mario music.

They were not together for too much longer after this.


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## VJ 120 (Apr 20, 2016)

Spoiler: not safe for life



Me and my ex did anal once and it got messy.  



Not an embarrassing "story" per se but I literally cannot ride a guy. I always do it wrong and look awkward.


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## GeorgeDaMoose (Apr 20, 2016)

GodWarrior said:


> I'm like a 4/10 at best with a muscular frame, so I look for other 4/10s and chicks that look like they almost have physical disorders. I'm not ashamed or proud of this, it's just fucking survival for a guy that looks like me. Just make sure you're fit and hygienic, and for the love of god, get a haircut.
> 
> Anyway, there's this chick that looks like a real axe-wound, (I say that 'cause I'm not much better), and she's all gums with a fair amount of facial hair. I'm totally cool with this, because now I associate hideously ugly women with ejaculation. Technically all my sex stories are embarrassing, but whatever.
> 
> ...


Holy shit please keep posting, this shit made me laugh so hard I started crying.


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## Bogs (Apr 21, 2016)

I was at my dad's house today, and he was going through all his old hi-8 footage. I absently browse through his collection of tapes and found some of my old skate footage. Included amongst everything in a box labelled (not by me) Seattle '98, was a short sex tape I had made. I quickly snatched it up, and I'm not sure if my dad accidently watched it.


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## drtoboggan (Apr 21, 2016)

I heard from a friend about this one guy. He was holding onto this chick as he plowed her from behind, but lost his grip. The girl flew head first into the headboard and was knocked out cold. The doctor told the guy she wouldn't be able to have kids if he fucked her any harder.


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## autisticdragonkin (Apr 21, 2016)

Everyone's embarassing sex story is that they are virgins here


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## Kassovari (Apr 21, 2016)

oh my god these are borderline horror stories

good thing i've never had sex so i'm safe from the embarrassment


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## The Knife's Husbando (Apr 21, 2016)

All these are Pre-The Knife, thank you very much.

When it's dark in the bedroom & bathroom, and you have on a set of latex gloves, a tube of toothpaste can be easily mistaken for a tube of oil-based lube.

Never have sex in a tree stand, even if it's one of those two-people ones. The swaying will compound & _wiggle important shit loose_.

The same goes for a big ass stack of hay bales in a barn. Roll over, roll over, roll over, roll _off-_  both of ya land ten feet below in the manure pile, butt naked.


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## AN/ALR56 (Apr 22, 2016)

Wish I had an active sex life to share shameful moments here .
Here's to  you virginity!


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## GodWarrior (Apr 22, 2016)

GeorgeDaMoose said:


> Holy shit please keep posting, this shit made me laugh so hard I started crying.



I think I can manage a few more.


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## OtterParty (Apr 23, 2016)

imgur dump under the spoiler



Spoiler: imgur dump


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## kittie (Apr 24, 2016)

Gave a guy a handjob, he didn't warn me that he was getting close, and I jumped back when he came and it hit him in the face.


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## LazarusOwenhart (Apr 24, 2016)

Once got a handjob from a girl whose well earned nickname was "scary mary" Chick was 16 and had a beard. Good HJ though and I didn't have to look at her.


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## The Knife's Husbando (Apr 24, 2016)

I was getting a _really_ good hand/blowjob from a kinky girlfriend. I had a urethral sound in at the time, and when I finished, it kinda...well... launched like a spear & hit her in the eye.


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## Ravenor (Apr 24, 2016)

MakeItRain said:


> don't touch anybody's genitals if you sliced up jalapenos for guacamole at any point in the previous 24 hours but if you do you better have saved some of that guacamole as a peace offering.



I'll give you a tip, that will help in this regard METAL SOAP, it get's rid of garlic smell and chilli so you can safely handle yours an other nether regions without fear.


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## kittie (Apr 24, 2016)

The Knife's Husbando said:


> I was getting a _really_ good hand/blowjob from a kinky girlfriend. I had a urethral sound in at the time, and when I finished, it kinda...well... launched like a spear & hit her in the eye.


Did this end in a trip to the emergency room?


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## Ravenor (Apr 24, 2016)

kittie said:


> Did this end in a trip to the emergency room?



The 1st result on google has more info on this than I ever wanted to know about stuffing metal rod's in your japs eye.


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## Darwin Watterson (Apr 25, 2016)

UselessRubberKeyboard said:


> An ex wanted me to moo when he was fucking me.  Couldn't decide whether it was an insult or fucking hilarious, but he was deadly serious.  The noise turned him on, apparently.  I have no clue.
> 
> Same dude also liked licking eyeballs.  No sir.


Was your ex Baraka Mkray?


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## The Dude (Apr 26, 2016)

Mine is pretty tame compared to a lot of these. The girlfriend I had before I got together with Mrs. Dude and I were in my bedroom fooling around. She's got her shirt off and is going down on me. Just as I was about to bust nut we hear my folks enter the house. She puts her shirt back on and runs interference while I run into the bathroom and wait for my boner to die down. A few minutes pass and I still have a raging hard on and my girlfriend is in the kitchen chatting with my parents, which I can hear as the bathroom shared a wall with the kitchen. So I'm still rock hard and the only thing I can think to do is jerk off...which I did...with my girlfriend and parents in the next room. Well, it did the trick, I wash up and go out to the kitchen to join the conversation. My mom looks at me and says "You look flush. Are you feeling OK?" I tell her I'm feeling a little warm and try to avoid eye contact with my girlfriend because I know we would both break out into embarrassed laughter.


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## Bassomatic (Apr 26, 2016)

This one came up around the campfire this weekend. Thought it might as well go up here.

I was 17 and had my own car and at time full drivers license (could stay out to any hour) so I was kinda by default important and cool, this helps gets girls aside playing basketball etc. There was a girl who really wanted to hook up with me. Ehh.. she wasn't bad we were platonic but you know, below my standards. She begged to hang out and just drive around. So I gave in so I'd hang and not really be seen with her. I know, such a gentleman as all men are at that age.

She gives me the whole oh I'm into you blah blah. Well we both live at home so can't do anything sorry. I'm safe right? Clearly not. She asks to just give me a blow job. Driving stick shift, this isn't really easy and high schoolers are too poor for tolls on the highway so... I'm out of options. But I sure do want my dick sucked.

I knew the office complex my dad worked at and how it was empty at night and never checked on not that Pops ever suggested it because the main road was almost a 1/4 mile to the nose.... Yea he can be pretty cool at times. So We roll there and she goes down on me, it's pretty bad head. She asks if I want to fuck her at the time my car had no back seat, so not gonna happen. Finally get off from the bad head and pop the car into reverse, still woozy from the nut, forget to check my mirror and slam into a curb trashing my brand new exhaust.  Just crushed the piping and created a mild tear.

The ride home was pretty damn loud and woke my dad up. He asked what happened. I was panicked since I thought he would think any story was covering up drinking (I'm an awful liar) so I hung my head and told him what happened. I got a curfew for that and made me pay to replace the exhaust instead of just running straight pipe. Plus needless to say the girl told everyone, including that she sucked my dick.

Lesson learned, bad head is expensive.


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## Bassomatic (Apr 26, 2016)

I'm back into writing mode, so please forgive me for double posting.

This is back on the topic of shameful lays... and I think first in the thread about embarrassment with a 3rd in the bed.

Back when I was "cool" a good friend and mine were always hawked by this girl. I was the forward on the basketball team and he was a guard. She wasn't bad looking but she was fucking nuts. Total attention whore. Kind of girl who got her self thrown in nut bin not being crazy being tumblr before even myspace was a thing. (to you youngings this took work in these days and if memory serves me she called a friend and rustled around the kitchen "looking for a knife" to end it)

She was crazy as fuck, was dating some dude who was like 26.... claimed she didn't sleep all night because she was so high on smack (H doesn't work that way lol) you know just edgy as fuck and annoying. So I forget how the hell this even happens she's bragging about how she sleeps around and all this. My buddy said in effect "if you are such a pro fuck two guys at once." Thanks asshole for what I got signed up for.

She's thrilled at the idea, and my buddy said  his folks are away at the house so we can chill there all weekend and his folks had a rule we could "borrow" beer as long as no driving. So yea, I'm down to chill this weekend and get drunk as fuck play some Dreamcast (god I'm old) After getting pretty wrecked my friend explains how this kook was coming over and we were gonna smash.

Now with out saying, guys in high school can be a bit innocently homophobic. I'm freaking out, he's not exactly happy about it either and points out it's not like we don't share a locker room daily. I'll never forget this line "You've seen my dick it's not gay" I can't debate this logic at the time. We set ground rules of no touching and one each side. Have to pass each side etc. 

So this girl comes over, we chill and drink and she's finally pushing for us to fuck. It is not a very good lay, we do all the childish "bro" things, eiffle tower her, thumb wars as she's sucking my dick and my buddy is pounding her. We even did one of those little kiddy clappy games causing her to laugh (not good to laugh with a dick in your mouth ladies take note) We really dogged her out. My buddy pulls out yanks the condom off and busts on her back. and strolls the fuck off. She sucks me for another few mins I finally stuff her head down and blow.

We felt kinda bad so we let her crash on the couch and us being gentleman say we'll keep it on the DL. Well I guess we forgot she's insane and a slut. She runs around thinking she's going to be prom queen now bragging how she got tag teamed by two of the starters. Needless to say the plan back fired and she got a rep change from nutter to slut. All the thirsty losers started hitting on her non stop. It took a bit for everyone to stop calling my buddy and I fags for this though.


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## KatsuKitty (Apr 26, 2016)

My ex and I were once dry-humping each other, and our chests made a fart sound somehow.


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## LazarusOwenhart (Apr 27, 2016)

KatsuKitty said:


> My ex and I were once dry-humping each other, and our chests made a fart sound somehow.


Oh god this happens to me and Mrs Laz. Our respective sternums are JUST the right shape!!!!!! You know my pain!


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## LagoonaBlue (Apr 27, 2016)

Once tried to have sex with a guy in a cupboard.  Said cupboard had shelves.  I bashed my head on one of the shelves and we had to stop because my head was actually in pain.

Looking back on it now it's kinda funny but at the time it wasn't.


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## Rabbit Bones (Apr 27, 2016)

I was a gay guys beard for about a year. He decided we should have sex one day, which was super weird because he was gay af. Afterwards he started crying and left, and that was the last time I ever saw him.


----------



## GodWarrior (Apr 27, 2016)

Rabbit Bones said:


> I was a gay guys beard for about a year. He decided we should have sex one day, which was super weird because he was gay af. Afterwards he started crying and left, and that was the last time I ever saw him.


That's actually pretty sad. He probably doesn't want to be gay, and he was angry at his uncooperative gay penis.


----------



## The Dude (Apr 28, 2016)

Rabbit Bones said:


> I was a gay guys beard for about a year. He decided we should have sex one day, which was super weird because he was gay af. Afterwards he started crying and left, and that was the last time I ever saw him.



Were you just that bad of a lay, or...?


----------



## kittie (Apr 29, 2016)

This guy has eaten me out twice and he's good but both times I've had to stop him before orgasm because it becomes overwhelming 
Is this the female equivalent of "performance anxiety"?


----------



## LazarusOwenhart (Apr 29, 2016)

kittie said:


> This guy has eaten me out twice and he's good but both times I've had to stop him before orgasm because it becomes overwhelming
> Is this the female equivalent of "performance anxiety"?


Nah Mrs Laz has this issue if I work too fast. Get him to give you a break for a few seconds and remind him that it's a marathon not a sprint and you'll be fine.


----------



## Rabbit Bones (May 2, 2016)

The Dude said:


> Were you just that bad of a lay, or...?


Haha, it's possible. I haven't made any other men cry since though.


----------



## Rou (May 3, 2016)




----------



## kittie (May 4, 2016)

My BF came over last night and this morning I woke up with a hickey on my earlobe
Hopefully I won't have to explain that to anyone


----------



## BILLY MAYS (May 5, 2016)

I was caught jerking off reading stories from this thread.


----------



## kittie (May 20, 2016)

I was giving this guy a handjob/blowjob and I always read not to ignore the balls but apparently I squeezed them too tightly and he made me stop (sorry bro)


----------



## Nyx (May 21, 2016)

Was so drunk I fell off his face; nutted myself off the radiator splitting my head open so obviously it started bleeding. He had a severe blood phobia and was also mortal drunk so he threw up all over his bed and my clothes. I had to shove him into the bathroom to sort himself out while I attempted to sterilise the bed, still mortal drunk and trying not to bleed on everything. When I finally finished I went to go take a shower only to find he'd passed out in the bathroom and him having a good 25kg on me there was sweet fuck all I could do about it. I had to sleep in the living room which meant when his brother came home to find me comatose, half-naked in his brothers clothes, face still a little bloody and his brother passed out naked in the bath with a towel half-arsedly thrown over him it didn't take him long to put 2 and 2 together.


----------



## polonium (May 22, 2016)

I had to fart once while I was getting a BJ and I thought it would be silent... and so it was. But it smelled like burning garbage, with a dead animal thrown in. It even made my stomach churn. We literally had to leave the room. And I didn't even get the rest of my blowie


----------



## Rudol von Stroheim (May 23, 2016)

My sister walked in on me and my boyfriend doin' the ol' 69 and not only did I have to quickly pull off of him and try cover myself up (all while lying on top off him, blocking his delicate face with my ass). But it was also because my sister had to break some terrible news to us. Which made things 10x more awkward. Nothin' like having bad news broken to you while you're midway through giving/recieving. 

Also; CRAMP. Any of you ever gotten cramp during sex? Nothing worse than being legs over head and then getting fucking cramp. So many times I have had to beg my partner to get off of me because I'm in total and utter pain. Even worse when he thinks you're just being kinky. Oh my god.


----------



## ChineseEarthquake (May 24, 2016)

I farted when I was getting muh dick sucked


----------



## Tranhuviya (May 24, 2016)

Broke my dick once.


----------



## DrJonesHat (May 24, 2016)

I had an asthma attack while going down on her. I finished though, I hate to leave things uncompleted. She propped me up on the bed, fixed a breathing treatment for me, and went down on me while I took the treatment. Yeah, I would have married that girl if she hadn't gotten into drugs.


----------



## ShavedSheep (May 25, 2016)

The ewe's owner came looking for his shears...


----------



## Lipitor (May 25, 2016)

One time I had to only have a 5-way instead of my usual 37-way, cuz I couldn't find enough girls. We've all been there right?


----------



## Male (Jan 8, 2017)

The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't." 

See it's because of the echo...


----------



## Todesfurcht (Jan 8, 2017)

Most embarrassing?
Well the fact I've never had sex.


----------



## Dunsparce (Jan 8, 2017)

Todesfurcht said:


> Most embarrassing?
> Well the fact I've never had sex.



Gee willikers, never would've guessed.


----------



## Jason Genova (Jan 8, 2017)

Todesfurcht said:


> Most embarrassing?
> Well the fact I've never had sex.


lol just fuck hookers you low-IQcel

join the escort crew


----------



## The Queen of Trash (Jan 8, 2017)

I learned the hard way that deepthroating isn't the best thing to do after you've been drinking.


----------



## Meat_Puppet (Jan 9, 2017)

Was only a matter of time before I found this thread. So I just turned 21 a week earlier and had no job and about 2 months to go before class started again. I figured fuck it I'm going to smoke and drink as much as I possibly can before I have to go back just to do the same thing again. So a couple of my friends decided we were gunna go see Autumn Offering and Kittie play at St. Andrews Hall and I can recall going in, watching the opening act, kissing all over my friends, lights and then the back seat of a car. However we did manage to pick up a couple hot long haired leathered up dates from the show who I cannot for the life of me remember the names of. We ended up crashing at someone's house and before I could recollect myself I was getting plowed by two of those guys. And it was great, there were no complaints there. But for some reason my brain was still at that concert and I managed to lift myself up, throw up the devil horns, made some kind of unintelligible growl and projectile vomited all over the guy on top. I blacked out again and after that morning none of us ever speak of that night again.


----------



## Locksnap (Jan 11, 2017)

Meat_Puppet said:


> Was only a matter of time before I found this thread. So I just turned 21 a week earlier and had no job and about 2 months to go before class started again. I figured fuck it I'm going to smoke and drink as much as I possibly can before I have to go back just to do the same thing again. So a couple of my friends decided we were gunna go see Autumn Offering and Kittie play at St. Andrews Hall and I can recall going in, watching the opening act, kissing all over my friends, lights and then the back seat of a car. However we did manage to pick up a couple hot long haired leathered up dates from the show who I cannot for the life of me remember the names of. We ended up crashing at someone's house and before I could recollect myself I was getting plowed by two of those guys. And it was great, there were no complaints there. But for some reason my brain was still at that concert and I managed to lift myself up, throw up the devil horns, made some kind of unintelligible growl and projectile vomited all over the guy on top. I blacked out again and after that morning none of us ever speak of that night again.


wow


----------



## Bassomatic (Jan 11, 2017)

Oh no this popped back, I guess it's another time to share the horrors of Bassomatic's love life.

I was dating this girl and things were fresh it was her first night staying over. Since this is for laughs I'll be honest, she made the moves when we were in bed. I shot her down. I just had something say not to. She was really pretty we had been making out in my bed but I got this feeling and I told her I wasn't ready.

Morning comes I look at her there sleeping I thought to myself what the fuck man, she's great I should just tap it. So I kiss her on the cheek to wake her. She was pleased to see me and I told her let's go. We did our thing. Like a smart adult, I didn't really talk to her about birth control or STDs I'm on around the 7.5 scale and ask her if she's on BC clearly she's not because why would anything good happen in my life. So she finishes me off in her mouth. Was pretty fucking dope I won't lie. I thought because she was so shy she was doing this to impress me. Later on found this chick craved spooge, but that's another story.

So this is the horror part, we are all messy from our sex she's like we've seen each other naked lets shower together. I've never had a beef with this, kinda cute to me so sure. We are taking a nice long shower being cute like new couples are and she says... I gotta go. So me always being a joker cracker says "lets get it over with what couple doesn't pee on each other in the shower"

"Not that kind Bass... I'm so sorry." She pops out of the shower to the toilet. "I'm so sorry". Eh. I'm not too bothered weirder things have happened and by the blessing of kek,allah,jesus,voltron,sonichu, or what ever deity you choose I had a shower curtain so I didn't have to see this. I'm finally now dealing with cleaning instead of being cutesy with my new bae.

Then it starts... her colon chooses to expel more punishment than New Delhi high way.  This is flat out porcelain punishment. The shower is running and I can't not hear this. It was that loud. With the shower heating the room, the smell is already there filling the room. I don't think we had curry the night before, and I saw my cat that morning so I know it didn't crawl into her ass and choose to die.

She's literally in tears and yells that it's bad... and I should finish up and she's gonna need to clean up in the shower. So she sits on the pot I grab a towel and bounce. She comes out like 10 mins later I'm already making us breakfast. She couldn't make eye contact all day and did clean the entire bathroom like a champ.

She was so embarrassed I didn't hear from her for like weeks. Then we dated for a bit. She was a freak in bed, but really how can you say no to anything I ask after that much butt trouble being forgiven.


----------



## ZeCommissar (Jan 12, 2017)

Was losing virginity

Parents walked in (didn't hear the car pull up, thought they would be gone for at least another 30 minutes.)

Didn't even get to nut

Broke up a week later a few days before we scheduled to fucc again.

Ahhh how I miss highschool


----------



## ZeCommissar (Jan 12, 2017)

Bassomatic said:


> .Eh. I'm not too bothered weirder things have happened and by the blessing of kek,allah,jesus,voltron,sonichu, or what ever deity you choose I had a shower curtain so I didn't have to see this. I'm finally now dealing with cleaning instead of being cutesy with my new bae.



Ummm...weird question but why WOULDN'T you have a shower curtain?


----------



## Bassomatic (Jan 12, 2017)

ZeCommissar said:


> Ummm...weird question but why WOULDN'T you have a shower curtain?


Many showers have clear glass doors or some none at all for those fancy jams.


----------



## ZeCommissar (Jan 12, 2017)

Bassomatic said:


> Many showers have clear glass doors or some none at all for those fancy jams.



Wow....I can be really stupid sometimes. Glass doors didn't even enter the equation in my mind


----------



## Ulfric Stormcloak (Jan 12, 2017)

My boyfriend really likes licking my ass. Well, one time I didn't wipe all that good, and he ended up with some..._debris _on his beard. He then didn't notice and tried to kiss me.

We had a good laugh after I pointed it out.


----------



## gaybashing<3 (Jan 13, 2017)

i banged a broad cause they looked like richard simmons


----------



## Jason Genova (Jan 13, 2017)

Ulfric Stormcloak said:


> My boyfriend really likes licking my ass. Well, one time I didn't wipe all that good, and he ended up with some..._debris _on his beard. He then didn't notice and tried to kiss me.
> 
> We had a good laugh after I pointed it out.


this has been the final straw that broke my mental health


Spoiler


----------



## Ulfric Stormcloak (Jan 13, 2017)

Jason Genova said:


> this has been the final straw that broke my mental health
> 
> 
> Spoiler



Glad to be of service.


----------



## Michel (Jan 13, 2017)

Ulfric Stormcloak said:


> My boyfriend really likes licking my ass. Well, one time I didn't wipe all that good, and he ended up with some..._debris _on his beard. He then didn't notice and tried to kiss me.
> 
> We had a good laugh after I pointed it out.


How fat are you?


----------



## Ulfric Stormcloak (Jan 13, 2017)

Michel said:


> How fat are you?


Oh Lord. Somewhere just over 400.


----------



## Cryin RN (Jan 16, 2017)

Baby wipes.  Baby wipes baby wipes baby wipes.

Never had doody butt problems.  Baby wipes.


----------



## Bassomatic (Dec 22, 2017)

Sorry for the nerco, but Mrs. Bassomatic gave me the ok to post this and it's tragic as it is funny. Least I hope.

So, she's pretty vanilla, but as we like to joke, Breyers vanilla. So we are very happy in that regard. Sometimes she wants to get brave and try something knowing I have a lot more history than she does.

So she says I want you to tie me up. Aite. She's tied to the bed, we do some things, and play around, driving her nuts. All foreplay stuff. Well, I'm pretty open minded but this isn't exactly my jam and I troll more IRL than I do here. So I kinda had to pee, but not too bad and say hun... I gotta pee, it would be hot if I left you here. She's ok with this.

Now my master bed room has a bathroom attached, but I said I'd us get water too so I go down to get cups. Troll mode hits my head as I'm filling glasses with water. I make a fucking Dagwood, I swear a half pound of ham was on this, thick cut rye, 2 slices of aged gouda and a brown mustard. I pee and flush. Then I come back in the bedroom, her all tied up.

She sees this pile of meat and bread in my hand and laughs. I take a huge bite. Now she forgets how troll I go at times. And says ok, game over I need it. I sit around her tied up and eat the entire sandwich. Being so massive, I kinda lose my drive and untie her then go to bed.

Shit was so cash.


----------



## BILLY MAYS (Dec 22, 2017)

Bassomatic said:


> Mrs. Bassomatic gave me the ok to post this


this is kinda hot tbh


----------



## HG 400 (Dec 22, 2017)

Once I had cybersex with two fat girls from Kiwi Farms and then got doxed over it and had to leave the forums in shame.


----------



## Dolphin Lundgren (Dec 22, 2017)

Does it have to be me? Because this girl in my high school once had anal sex with her boyfriend and then they got crap on their parent's bed, then the boyfriend threw up and the parents walked in then the next day everyone in school found out.


----------



## Darwin Watterson (Dec 22, 2017)

Bassomatic said:


> Sorry for the nerco, but Mrs. Bassomatic gave me the ok to post this and it's tragic as it is funny. Least I hope.
> 
> So, she's pretty vanilla, but as we like to joke, Breyers vanilla. So we are very happy in that regard. Sometimes she wants to get brave and try something knowing I have a lot more history than she does.
> 
> ...


I have a similar story to that actually.

The girl I’m currently seeing self-identifies as a nymphomaniac, so she’s almost always “on.” While you won’t hear me complaining about that, there ARE times where it becomes a bit inconvenient.

This one time, for example, it was late at night. Usually that isn’t a problem, but I’d not gotten any sleep the night before, and by that point I was sitting on the fence between sleep and being awake. Doesn’t matter to her, cause she wants it. I try to tell her that I’d like to, it’s just not a good time, but she doesn’t wanna take “no” for an answer. So we end up going at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah “beta.”

Anyway, I’m at it for a bit, still sleepy as hell, and...I start dozing off in the act. She notices, and taps my face a couple times to wake me back up. She makes a joke and I get embarrassed because seriously, who falls asleep during sex? She’s like “look, we can pick this up later,” but I’m not the type to leave a job half-done. So I power through and we finish, and I almost immediately fell into a dead sleep that lasted around 12 hours.


----------



## Ravio (Dec 22, 2017)

I can't remember if I was 14 or 15 when this went down. My parents used to have a tradition of going out every Saturday night. During which they made sure we had pizza, a couple game/ movie rentals, and a babysitter before they left. And they would leave us for a good part of the night, and everyone had am awesome time.

However this girl they picked out for us, was quite promiscuous. A couple times she would invite her friends over and went into my parents room to go fuck them. To us it wasent such a big deal because we thought this was what older teens did. We had pizza and Nintendo and no one to tell us we had to goto bed, there was no way we were going to call her out to my parents.

It was the week of my 16th birthday when things suddenly took a change. Our parents left us for the night, same spiel. I think that night I had rented Banjo Kazooie and was getting really into it. This girl interrupts me and says.
"Hey there's something upstairs I want to show you."
I'm thinking that im finally going to see her tits cause im 16 and mom and dad's rules no longer apply to me.

We head upstairs and get onto my parents bed. She tells me were playing a game and that i need to cover my eyes. Eyes covered she goes and unzips my pants. Finally a girl is going to touch my dick! She goes to pull it out and starts sucking me off. My sheltered little mind had no way of knowing what the hell was going on. It was both confusing and awesome at the same time.

She keeps blowing me for a few more minutes, pulls back and smiled as she said.
"This stays between us. Your parents don't need to know about what I did for you."
I agreed, we headed back downstairs. And the moment she was out of earshot I had to tell my brother about blowjobs.

My parents eventually found out about it. We lost our babysitter. They decided to stay home on the weekends. And life sucked until I was forced to goto college. The end.


----------



## EH 110 (Dec 22, 2017)

@Ravio Why did you still have a baby-sitter until you were 16? LOL


----------



## DrJonesHat (Dec 22, 2017)

I had an asthma attack while going down on my gf. However, it's rude to leave a lady hanging, so I finished up, set up a breathing treatment, and fell asleep. She never had a guy risk his life to make her orgasm, so that really impressed her. We ended up getting married, but it fell apart due to the fact she was BPD and I couldn't take the constant love/hate cycle. She refused to get therapy, so I divorced her for my own sanity. That was four years ago, and she's vanished. I had previously posted about this, but I said I didn't marry her. I was worried about powerlevling, but yeah, we're all entitled to one big mistake in life, and she was mine. 

I think this is more of an embarrassing life story. But this is why I'm so against relationships with BPD people like I posted about in the Ali Rapp thread.


----------



## A Beached Whale (Dec 22, 2017)

Had a tipsy hookup once, but unfortunately the guy was beyond drunk. His thrusting was so clumsy and terrible that the loser managed to slide out of the condom and shove the condom into me for awhile. Neither of us came, I just silently left and never spoke to him again.


----------



## Ido (Dec 22, 2017)

One time I saw a gorgeous girl and said hi to her. We were together for seven years but engaged for five. She started cheating on me with my best friend, and told her mom (who she just found out had breast cancer) that i hit her! But it's not true, i did not hit her!

Anyways, a lot of shit goes down  and I get cucked, but the best that I got out of it was a sad belly button fuck while my best friend got laid on the cold hard stairs. Tbh she was pretty bad.

I feel sad about getting cucked tho so I might just go and kms.


----------



## DrJonesHat (Dec 22, 2017)

This one time, two people were having intimate relations, and something socially unfortunate occurred during their coupling. One of the participants in this sad affair came to an electronic message board and posted a tale about it. It was quite humorous.  True story!


----------



## Bassomatic (Dec 22, 2017)

Since I dug this up from the dead, I might as well put some more content in.

The local pizza place that my family had gone to had just bought out the dead vhs rental place, and opened a bar. It was brand new and it strained the family to open this. They couldn't advertise so unless you went or passed the store you didn't know they opened a bar. For what ever reason I am the take out guy, never did delivery, so I knew they were opening.

To drum up things they had killer deals. Poor and undergrad it's all you could afford, so I became one of the first regulars there. I took my g/f one night for the baseball game and the deals. Now I was driving so I kept to stuffing myself with near free hot wings she on the other hand still found a way on cheap drinks to dent my wallet. 

Game ended she was slammed and prices go back to normal, so I suggest we head home, in this case home for the night was her dad's house, who loved hosting me and it wasn't at all strange I crashed there. So we hop into my car in a nice summer night, now I had a car at the time, one of those cars non car people still threw a thumbs up to. It's not exactly vital to the story but it kinda helps set the tone and mood.

This car was the tits, roof off, stereo up, perfect summer night 3" exhaust growling comfy leather seats. So you can see how I'm feeling boss as hell already, young men bond with their cars (hell us old farts do too) and a hot drunk chick in the passenger seat. This was era of pre ipods in cars. So I still used FM radio a lot. I'm spirited on my driving not agressive, we are this long back country road where no one would be and on a long straight part. 

Eddie Money take me home tonight comes on, and I crank the Alpine to 11 for this. "Fuck yea eddie money!" She looks up in a stupor, "what the hell is this?" Oh hell no you philistine. Everything was perfect, hot car, hot girl, perfect weather, wonderful scenery, you don't take this from me. Knowing we are on a dead area of road, I crack the wheel lock the brakes and say "get out". She looks at me I can't well hold my troll game in real life, but I managed to do well enough to convince her I was serious. 

The crazy bitch undoes her seat belt, gets out and starts walking home. I'm so baffled it takes me maybe 20 seconds before I start laughing insanely. I'm not sure if she's trolling me or just retarded. So I spin the car straight and zip by her. 20 feet in front I stop the car and say come on I was teasing get back in.

Ok so cute fun prank right ? Now she says "thanks for picking me up again I was rude" ok..... So she starts going down on me as we drive home (yo chicks that can suck dick in a stick shift are great granted long gears help) at this point we aren't far so when we get into the circle she lives in she quick finishes me off.

Then we stroll in and her dad is watching the news and asks how our night was. With out missing a beat she looks at him and goes "we watched baseball and Bass taught me about Eddie Money's music" I almost fainted.


----------



## Ravio (Dec 24, 2017)

Toxoplasmosis said:


> @Ravio Why did you still have a baby-sitter until you were 16? LOL


Both of my parents were very strict. I was not even allowed on the internet by myself until I was 18.


----------



## Monika H. (Jan 30, 2018)

That happened with the girl I eventually married.
I was 19. It was the first time for me, but not for her, so I let her "lead on". First she tells me to put the fingers in to stimulate. I brutally put then in without lubrication like a cuck, hurting her and making her swear at me. Nice.
Then we come to the actual "business". She hops on and tries to put it in, but it slippes out. This happens a couple of times before we start properly. She finally starts riding me, but in a very awkward and not at all sexy way. And then it slippes out again. End of the story, she simply "hotdogged" it in her hips to finish me off before turning the other way to sleep.

Naturally, we improved over the time, and now it's quite good, even if I am still a cuck sometimes.


----------



## JustStopDude (Jan 31, 2018)

I was in college. I have spina bifida. I must be careful with my back. This night, I was not. I was with my girlfriend and we were having sex. At one point I froze up...
"Don't tell me you are finished" she says.

I fall over in agony. On the way down, I strike head against dresser. So now I have massive gash in my head along with inability to walk or move. And erection. Fucking blood everywhere. 

Thankfully she was nursing student. She closed up my head with crazy glue. She then drives me to veterans hospital so I can get back fixed. It was fucking awful. I was in medical care for two days because of back.


----------



## Shiversblood (Jan 31, 2018)

i respect men who powerlevel more than I respect men who lie and hide the truth.

also, one time mr magenta slammed his PENIS into the ANUS of a man named Trent. so embarrassing.


----------



## Cthulu (Jan 31, 2018)

Shiversblood said:


> also, one time mr magenta slammed his PENIS into the ANUS of a man named Trent. so embarrassing.


Wut? Why does this sound like furry porn already? smfh


----------



## Monika H. (Feb 1, 2018)

JustStopDude said:


> I was in college. I have spina bifida. I must be careful with my back. This night, I was not. I was with my girlfriend and we were having sex. At one point I froze up...
> "Don't tell me you are finished" she says.
> 
> I fall over in agony. On the way down, I strike head against dresser. So now I have massive gash in my head along with inability to walk or move. And erection. Fucking blood everywhere.
> ...



"If a piece or part falls off, put it back on with Krazyglue"


----------



## Red Hood (Feb 2, 2018)

Pretty low-key I guess, but my first time I was so nervous I couldn't finish. GF was understanding enough and the next morning things went much better.


----------



## Pepito The Cat (Feb 2, 2018)

Choked on pussy once. I was going down on this girl, she came and closed her legs real tight. Turned out she was into cycling and had super strong legs. Fainted for a minute or so and since then I grab girls by the tights when doing it.


----------



## Rumpled Foreskin (Feb 2, 2018)

I’m a virgin and I don’t know how sex works.


----------



## Red Hood (Feb 2, 2018)

Rumpled Foreskin said:


> I’m a virgin and I don’t know how sex works.


Just make sure, when the time comes, to put it in the correct orifice. I.e. not the belly button, or a nostril.


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Feb 2, 2018)

Rumpled Foreskin said:


> I’m a virgin and I don’t know how sex works.


I didn't either, but then I read My Immortal and now I know all about putting thingies into you-know-whats sexily.


----------



## Ido (Feb 2, 2018)

You don't lose your virginity unless you Bee movie and chill after breaking the hymen.


----------



## Rumpled Foreskin (Feb 3, 2018)

This is all very helpful. Any more tips or advice?


----------



## Monika H. (Feb 3, 2018)

Rumpled Foreskin said:


> This is all very helpful. Any more tips or advice?


 Your first time will not be like you see it in movies, or hentai. It will be embarassing, messy, and awkward as hell. Just know that to notmake yourself unrealistic expectations.


----------



## Pepito The Cat (Feb 3, 2018)

Ido said:


> Bee movie and chill


That's cute and a little weird.


----------



## Rumpled Foreskin (Feb 3, 2018)

Heinrich Himmler said:


> Your first time will not be like you see it in movies, or hentai. It will be embarassing, messy, and awkward as hell. Just know that to notmake yourself unrealistic expectations.


But is it okay to eat during the sex?


----------



## Cthulu (Feb 3, 2018)

Rumpled Foreskin said:


> But is it okay to eat during the sex?


Yes. Strawberries and whipped cream go well with girlcock.


----------



## GeorgeDaMoose (Feb 3, 2018)

Heinrich Himmler said:


> Your first time will not be like you see it in movies, or hentai. It will be embarassing, messy, and awkward as hell. Just know that to notmake yourself unrealistic expectations.


Mine was okay.  A little awkward yeah, but not nearly as bad as people meme it to be.


----------



## Balls McGuffin (Feb 3, 2018)

A few years ago I was hooking up every so often with a guy who really liked getting pegged. So, one time we got drunk and did that, but he hadn't cleaned up down there before I came over since we weren't planning on doing that, sooooooooo...



Spoiler



A few minutes in I'm going to town, the lights are off, and I slow down because I notice something smells really bad. He smells it, too, and we stop to turn on the lights and there is shit _everywhere_. On the sheets, on his ass and legs, on his floor, etc. I tell him to hop in the shower and I'll take care of the mess, and he goes with it (if only because he's embarrassed). Gross, but whatever, I can poke fun at him about it later. I go to wash my hands afterward, look down, and realize there's a huge turd on my leg that I somehow overlooked! I was more drunk than I thought, I guess. I finish cleaning up, he hops out of the shower, I wash up real quick, and we hit the hay. In hindsight, I wish I'd cracked more jokes about it.


----------



## Stephanie Bustcakes (Feb 4, 2018)

Rumpled Foreskin said:


> This is all very helpful. Any more tips or advice?



People don't actually have sex in real life. It's just one of those fantasy things they put in movies and tv to make it more exciting, like when people jump through 2nd story glass windows and don't get hurt. We know it really wouldn't happen that way but we suspend our disbelief because, hey, it's just a movie! Just think about it for a moment. How gross would it be if people actually put their genitals inside each other? Assuming it was even mechanically possible it would probably feel really weird, if not painful. And the risk of injury would make it a bad idea, anyway. Plus it would just look really silly.


----------



## 0 2 (Feb 4, 2018)

Stephanie Bustcakes said:


> People don't actually have sex in real life. It's just one of those fantasy things they put in movies and tv to make it more exciting, like when people jump through 2nd story glass windows and don't get hurt. We know it really wouldn't happen that way but we suspend our disbelief because, hey, it's just a movie! Just think about it for a moment. How gross would it be if people actually put their genitals inside each other? Assuming it was even mechanically possible it would probably feel really weird, if not painful. And the risk of injury would make it a bad idea, anyway. Plus it would just look really silly.


Reminds me of a story from some guy who went to a university and had two weird professors. The first professor said that people had sex with their clothes on, and nudity during intercourse was just a myth propagated by the media. That one was just weird.

The other professor said that women didn't orgasm. That one was just sad, but mostly for the guy's wife.


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## Dolphin Lundgren (Feb 4, 2018)

I took a picture of me having sex once and I thought I had it hidden away. It turns out I was wrong because my mom found it at one point.


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## Monika H. (Feb 4, 2018)

> The other professor said that women didn't orgasm. That one was just sad, but mostly for the guy's wife.



That's just not true, and depressing to booth. I don't know exactly from where this delusion that women don't enjoy sex comes, maybe it's some old superstition. 
Maybe it's a Nice Guy type reasoning "If she likes it she's a slut"
I admit I don't have much sex with my wife, but she initiates it most of the time, which I don't think she would do if she did not actually enjoy it.


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## Red Hood (Feb 4, 2018)

Rumpled Foreskin said:


> But is it okay to eat during the sex?


The only thing you should be hungry for is dat pussy.


Heinrich Himmler said:


> That's just not true, and depressing to booth. I don't know exactly from where this delusion that women don't enjoy sex comes, maybe it's some old superstition.
> Maybe it's a Nice Guy type reasoning "If she likes it she's a slut"
> I admit I don't have much sex with my wife, but she initiates it most of the time, which I don't think she would do if she did not actually enjoy it.


It's expected that a guy is gonna have an orgasm during sex. It's sort of an old stereotype that women won't. It is kind of on the guy to learn what turns his partner on and how to make it as pleasurable as possible for both of you. It gives me a bit of an ego boost when she's enjoying it like "Yeah...ain't no soyboy here, you landed yourself a real man."


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## Cthulu (Feb 4, 2018)

jfc you bunch of basement dwelling faggots slay me. It's just sex not some magical elixir. People who come out of their basements do it from time to time. Oh  another shock yeah woman like it too. SMDH


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## Monika H. (Feb 4, 2018)

The Shadow said:


> "Yeah...ain't no soyboy here, you landed yourself a real man."



Is that our pal Ugojesse?


----------



## Red Hood (Feb 4, 2018)

Heinrich Himmler said:


> Is that our pal Ugojesse?



I feel like, inadvertently I gave myself the impression of being Patrick Bateman flexing in the mirror.


----------



## Monika H. (Feb 4, 2018)

BTW it would be cool to start a thread/questioning with all members to see if they are married/engaged/incels/spaghetti.
It would be a bit moot since we're all anonymous and can lie our arses off; but it would be interesting to see the results nonetheless.


----------



## 0 2 (Feb 4, 2018)

Heinrich Himmler said:


> That's just not true, and depressing to booth. I don't know exactly from where this delusion that women don't enjoy sex comes, maybe it's some old superstition.
> Maybe it's a Nice Guy type reasoning "If she likes it she's a slut"
> I admit I don't have much sex with my wife, but she initiates it most of the time, which I don't think she would do if she did not actually enjoy it.


I would say it's a leftover from the era of Freud. Sigmund's theories are pretty contested these days but he postulated that a woman who preferred clitoral stimulation was mentally undeveloped, which was about 50/50 in terms of people accepting the theory. Science in general didn't even bother understanding human sexuality until the Masters and Johnson studies in the late 1900's. It's an interesting read.

Of course, the obvious solution to inexperience is just ask your partner if you're clueless dolt and figure out what they like. You don't have to be a scientist to figure that out.


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## Red Hood (Feb 4, 2018)

Heinrich Himmler said:


> BTW it would be cool to start a thread/questioning with all members to see if they are married/engaged/incels/spaghetti.
> It would be a bit moot since we're all anonymous and can lie our arses off; but it would be interesting to see the results nonetheless.


I think we're all wearing our WANT WOMAN midriff tops.


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## 8777BB5 (Feb 4, 2018)

Not sure if this qualifies but here goes: 

When I was in college during the summers I worked at a camp for special needs children. I worked in the art department and my job was to teach kids how to draw flowers.. The best part of the job was that I only had to teach two classes on Thursdays as the Community Center players would put on a play in the afternoon. 

One Thursday I was feeling quite excited as I would be spending the afternoon with a lovely Costa Rican MILF. At noon I left my classes and went out to the car. As I walked out, I found her by her car wearing a red bikini top and a pair of jean shorts. I ran over there and we started kissing and flirting. As we're getting into it, she suggests we forgo the house and do right in the backseat of the car. Just as we're getting all hot and excited one of the Community Center Players angrily storms over and proceeds to cuss me out. Apparently one of the kids had brought a drawing of flowers into the theater and as the fucktard's character was allergic to flowers, the play had to be postponed while they begged the kid to put it in his cubby
. 
After getting yelled at for ten minutes, the player starts to calm down. As he's calming down, he notices a box of condoms in the MILFs backseat which resulted in him getting even angrier than he had before  Thanks to him I wound up being suspended for the next two-weeks for inappropriate conduct.


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## Yop Yop (Feb 4, 2018)

Back when I was a freshman in college, I discovered a magical drug called Xanax. I remember getting the first pills, I had quite a bit. 

I had been talking to this girl I met in my KIN class during this time as well.

Anyway, I had started slowly taking .25 of Xanax, experimenting how high I could get. The last thing I remember is being in my dorm. The next day, I awake, pissing in my bed at 5am. Of course I was extremely confused and turn around to see this girl. I then realized I wasn't in my dorm, but rather in hers. I then laid there with my legs covering the piss until I felt it safely dry. It took about 2 hours. I laid there and pretended to sleep while hating my life. Sometime around 7:30 I snuck out before she woke, only to find my car parked directly in front of her dorm building entrance, with 2 of my hubcaps missing. Which I then found later in the grass.

TLDR. Don't do Xanax.


----------



## QI 541 (Feb 4, 2018)

During Hawaii's fake nuclear alert.


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## ForgedBlades (Feb 4, 2018)

Yop Yop said:


> Back when I was a freshman in college, I discovered a magical drug called Xanax. I remember getting the first pills, I had quite a bit.
> 
> I had been talking to this girl I met in my KIN class during this time as well.
> 
> ...



This sounds like the one time I took Ambien except with less waking up to the stove on and $3,000 worth of Futurama DVDs charged to my credit card.


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## Y2K Baby (Apr 15, 2018)

I'm gay.


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## 8777BB5 (Apr 15, 2018)

Y2K Baby said:


> I'm gay.



We know


----------



## Y2K Baby (Apr 15, 2018)

8777BB5 said:


> We know


Prove it.


----------



## Ido (Apr 15, 2018)

Y2K Baby said:


> Prove it.


anime avatar


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## 8777BB5 (Apr 15, 2018)

In the thread about giving the shark a C section, you wanted the 98 pups to get a Michigan education and work Kashmir. Where I come from, that means put a man's balls in your mouth and work Kashmir is a sex act where a buttboy rubs your penis with Kashmir cloth so it's easier to give a hand/blowjob


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## Y2K Baby (Apr 15, 2018)

Ido said:


> anime avatar


I could be a tranny.


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## 8777BB5 (Apr 15, 2018)

Y2K Baby said:


> I could be a tranny.



Traps are gay


----------



## REGENDarySumanai (Apr 15, 2018)

I never had sex.


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## Nurse Ratchet (Apr 15, 2018)

Bassomatic said:


> OP doesn't state it has to be embarrassing for me..... As I said I was pretty bad a whore and a dick in college.
> 
> I swear there is guilt about this now, but only some. So there was a girl in one of my electives, tbh I forget what one. She was pretty into me, cute but insanely vapid. She'd always ask to hang out and I liked company to study so we often hung. I made it pretty clear I wasn't into her sorta had a g/f and she was wearing on my nerves. So I got social experiment on her. I tried distancing myself, politely to no avail. At first came taxes like bring me coffee and then breakfast to spend time.
> 
> ...



..can we give you your own thread? Holy fuck. Lolololol.

-----

Standby, accidentally deleted my story.


----------



## Y2K Baby (Apr 15, 2018)

Nurse Ratchet said:


> ..can we give you your own thread? Holy fuck. Lolololol.
> 
> -----
> 
> Standby, accidentally deleted my story.


Lol, idiot.


----------



## Stephanie Bustcakes (Apr 15, 2018)

I've never had sex because men always blow their loads before they can penetrate me.


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## Y2K Baby (Apr 15, 2018)

Stephanie Bustcakes said:


> I've never had sex because men always blow their loads before they can penetrate me.


Hi, Chris Chan.


----------



## MacMasonry (Apr 15, 2018)

Spoiler



:powerlevel: I've only had pity sex from my best friend :powerlevel:


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## Y2K Baby (Apr 15, 2018)

I really like anal vore and I tried one time and I couldn't fit my inside the butthole.


----------



## Flying_with_the_Penguins (Jul 17, 2018)

When I was in high school a girl once glanced in my general direction and I came in pants. 

It was pretty hot.


----------



## Rumpled Foreskin (Jul 17, 2018)

Nurse Ratchet said:


> ..can we give you your own thread? Holy fuck. Lolololol.
> 
> -----
> 
> Standby, accidentally deleted my story.


So it’s currently Jul(aaaaa)y and you have yet to share your story. What’s up with that?


----------



## Nurse Ratchet (Jul 17, 2018)

Rumpled Foreskin said:


> So it’s currently Jul(aaaaa)y and you have yet to share your story. What’s up with that?



You're absolutely right, & I remembered my dropping the ball on this this past weekend, actually. I mentioned it in Discord last night, lol. I will come correct on this with all speed.


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## Y2K Baby (Jul 17, 2018)

Nurse Ratchet said:


> You're absolutely right, & I remembered my dropping the ball on this this past weekend, actually. I mentioned it in Discord last night, lol. I will come correct on this with all speed.


Did you go boomboom.


----------



## Nurse Ratchet (Jul 17, 2018)

Y2K Baby said:


> Did you go boomboom.



Lololol no. No, thank fuck.


----------



## DrJonesHat (Jul 17, 2018)

Once I fell for an obvious honeypot and gave a bunch of amoral sociopaths juicy blackmail material, and that's why I'm walking around in a chicken suit smeared in lime jello.


----------



## Y2K Baby (Jul 17, 2018)

One time, a girl shit on a glass table over my face and smeared it all over. How embaressing, lol.


----------



## GarthMarenghisDankplace (Jul 18, 2018)

A dude once told me to close my eyes and open my mouth in bed. I was expecting a dick but he straight up spat into my open gob with no warning.

EDIT: He also liked to lick teeth... didn't work out for us in the end.


----------



## Berserker Armor (Jul 18, 2018)

sighs. well kids. its time for the story of the first time i took it in my booty.
if any of you remember the "most lewd creepy or cringey thing a sexual partner has said to you" post i made. yes it is the same man who banged me in the pool.

tdlr: choose your first ass dicking time carefully and make sure you have ZERO plans after 



Spoiler: so much regret



so. i took it up the ass for the very first time. now he doesnt have a small cock and my butt hole is not big. despite all the lube i was still sore. like bad.
he came in my ass, we were done whatever. 

well a bit later, he was ontop of me and going to fuck my ass again when.. my mom calls. she CAME EARLY to come get me so we could GO TO KROGER AT 10 PM. 

I have a cock in my ass, she calls like 4 times before he picks up my phone and goes "hey its your mom" and hands me my phone. still plowing he didnt care. she yells at me and is "GET UP HERE I CALLED LIKE 4 TIMES." 
so i had to hang up and be like "get your dick out my butt. i gotta leave.". he was very concerned about the cum that was in my ass and me being sore and i was like "fuck. nows not the time to be concerned dadding me over my butthole right now. i gotta leave. love you kay bye." he kisses my head and waves me good bye with "good luck!" 

i waddle out to the car. we drive to kroger. the whole shebang.

well. walking in kroger? that was another story. i was so very sore. i felt like a penguin with a butt plug.
almost an hour and a half later. he messages me "you left your underpants. do i just keep them?". 
around this time when he messaged me, before hand i could feel my ass getting sticky as i waddled painfully through kroger for an hour and a half.

then i realized. "oh no. what if the cum is leaking through my pants." but i was wearing dark pants so i was lucky. 

well we finally get to the car and my mom goes "are you doing okay? you were walking funny." 
what i wanted to say: "NO MOM. I HAD A COCK IN MY ASS AND YOU MADE ME LEAVE MID COCKING TO WALK AROUND FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF IN KROGER AT 10 PM" 
what i said: i am fine  

we got home. i rushed to my room and took off my pants. luckily all the cum literally stuck to my ass cheeks and dried and had fuzz from my sweat pants in it. wasnt the worst. 

yet, the next day after i took a shower and all the cum had dripped out my ass. i took the hugest shit in my life and my mom thought i was constipated and needed to go to the doctor because i was in there just shitting so long.  

ps: he has never given me back those boxers. they won't even fit him.


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## Dolphin Lundgren (Jul 18, 2018)

When I was a kid I woke up because I felt some shaking. I went into my grandparent's room and they were having sex. Lucky for me they were under the covers.
I walked out and pretended that I didn't see them having sex when they went downstairs for breakfast.


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## GnomeofDoc (Jul 18, 2018)

Oscar Wildean said:


> When I was a kid I woke up because I felt some shaking. I went into my grandparent's room and they were having sex. Lucky for me they were under the covers.
> I walked out and pretended that I didn't see them having sex when they went downstairs for breakfast.


Parents are degenerates. (Might be where I get it from) but these two fuck sticks scared me for life. In France for grandma stuff and I am sharing room with them because not enough beds and I am a child of some age. For a few nights they think it’s totaly cool to sex while I am “asleep”. For the entire trip I am tired and a grumpy little shit to everyone and the keep asking “annon why are you tired and grumpy” and as a kid I say “I don’t know” as it’s super embarsing to say you keep making a lot of noise and I can’t sleep stop fucking.


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## Cokeisbetterthenpepsi (Jul 18, 2018)

Jokes on you assholes, you can't have any embarrassing sex stories if you've never had sex! 

()


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## Rumpled Foreskin (Aug 8, 2018)

Nurse Ratchet said:


> You're absolutely right, & I remembered my dropping the ball on this this past weekend, actually. I mentioned it in Discord last night, lol. I will come correct on this with all speed.


Still waiting.


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## Commander Keen (Aug 8, 2018)

I'm trying to think of something embarrassing, but nothing can top what's already been said. I can go with weird, though. 

After my high school sweetheart broke up with me in college, I bounced around from girl to girl and developed this network of FWBs. I was never boyfriend-eligible, but we all fucked a lot so I filled this weird niche of male buddy who was not threatening but fuckable. It was an odd time. I guess I was some sort of side piece for girls who wanted a guy besides their boyfriend or outside their social circle. 

This meant that I heard all the strange tales of the bedroom antics of women. I was not a biased party so I was often sought out for advice. 

I went to a party one night with my friend, and we got hammered drunk. I was supposed to be there with my friend, but she knew I get whiskey dick in a bad way so she didnt get upset when I went home with another girl. Her and her roommate had an after party at her house, where she proceeded to get trashed as college kids do. 

She told me this story the following day when we were having lunch and discussing the events of the night before. She had decided to retire to her bedroom to sleep it off where one of the guys barged into her room and began attempting to sexually assault her. She was an athlete, so she was able to keep pushing him away since he was a scrawny little guy. He left the room but came back while she was getting undressed and managed to trip her up and get her on the bed and her legs open. She fought him off pretty well, but he got the upper hand eventually. 

She said she became very confused at this moment since she could feel his pelvis slap into her, but she couldn't feel anything inside of her. She shoved him off one last time and got a good look at him. She said it was the smallest dick she had ever seen in real life and not on the internet. 

I asked her what happened then and she said she just let him go to town. I asked her if she was gonna go to the police or anything and she said maybe but she thought she gave consent once she saw his tiny penis. 

You know you're not in good shape when your rape victim gets a good look at your dick and just says "damn...alright, I understand. Just get it done quick"


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## Bassomatic (Sep 26, 2018)

Well, it's that time again for a long winded foul story about my life in the bedroom.

I like to try to set the mood and in no way a great writer so please ignore the preamble but it does build at least in my mind of this one.

Things have been incredibly bad at home, I don't much talk about it here or anywhere but I don't even raise my voice when angry (not to say I don't get pissed as fuck quickly) but we've been having shouting matches lately bad. It's been ironic doing things to draw us closer has been our crux. But as of past few weeks things have settled, and back to a growing path. 

While we had a healthy sex life when we were not yelling at each other, a lot of emotion was strained from it. Hell, we had nights where I blew my load and sent her out to sleep on the ouch, or she did on her own.

Well due to a few medical safety reasons we have had to take a week or so off team creampie. Heartbreaking I assure you. Now that's been the standard because it's mess free (for me pranked). We've tried firing across the deck in all way shapes and forms, as we are rebounded as a couple blowing loads all over her has kinda also been a nice mix up.

So I'm winding to the end of the road here and tell her, I'm going for some quality face pasting, for all the years I don't think we've ever done that, and she more than happy begs for it (to be honest who wouldn't want my babies fired up your nose?)

I jump out of her and use her C cups as pillows as I jack for the last few seconds. If you can picture Elmers glue made into a fast ball erupting on a woman's nose that's kinda what happened.

Now for both men and women during orgasm, the body relaxes, and I kinda farted.. after I catch my breath I join her in laughing about the little air that snuck during. What luck it's not even stinky.

As we cuddle for a min and jump in the shower using only the back light we tenderly wash each other in the dim.. the shower is kinda smelling bad oddly enough. Thinking nothing of it. I carefully wash under her chest and notice my fingers aren't exactly clean.

Dude… 
What bass? 
I shit on your tits 
YOU WHAT !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Promptly she grabs her chest and the loofa, to clean her self off all while I'm  laughing like a dingo. After a few quick swipes, she joins in the laughter.


----------



## DrJonesHat (Sep 29, 2018)

Commander Keen said:


> I'm trying to think of something embarrassing, but nothing can top what's already been said. I can go with weird, though.
> 
> After my high school sweetheart broke up with me in college, I bounced around from girl to girl and developed this network of FWBs. I was never boyfriend-eligible, but we all fucked a lot so I filled this weird niche of male buddy who was not threatening but fuckable. It was an odd time. I guess I was some sort of side piece for girls who wanted a guy besides their boyfriend or outside their social circle.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I feel for your friend, but I gotta admit I never heard of a rape turning into a pity fuck because the aggressor had a microdick.


----------



## Nurse Ratchet (Mar 13, 2019)

@Rumpled Foreskin

Okay. As promised, the long-awaited forensic reconstruction of my original accidentally-deleted-bc-newfag-me-was-derp, embarrassing sex story post. Never post this kind of lengthy shit on mobile.

Since proper context is imperative, this will be a Berlin fucking Wall of text.. which is why I didn't get it rewritten for a year. I hope it winds up worth the wait. (Probably won't be.) 



Spoiler: WALL OF (con)TEXT



St. Patrick's Day, 300 years ago, at a warehouse party downtown around 11pm. This was during the apex of my alcohol tolerance, & I took SPD very seriously back then, traditionally scheduling off all adult responsibilities for the week surrounding the holiday each year. (Spiritual preparation, party my fucking face off, requisite coma to allow resulting brain damage to self-repair.) 

This particular year, the parade & subsequent events at the annual afterparty had risen (read: plummeted) to unprecedent levels of deviance, even for my crowd of beloved but *fucking degenerate* friends . So much so that I realized around 5pm that I was sober, despite 10 hours & 97 gallons of whiskey. 

So, those of us still upwardly mobile at that point hauled ass to the warehouse. My then-roommate was spinning records there anyway. 

About 2h into dancing like the world ends at sunrise & a little hair of the dog, I run into one of my close friends. We'll call him Mr. Z. He's so shithammered that he walks up to me & starts dancing too. I've never seen this, Mr. Z does not dance. Ever. Turns out, he's got some pretty funky moves. :-) 

More context: Mr. Z & I had forged our close friendship a few years before, born from a shared love of music. When we started becoming friends, we immediately developed a routine of hanging out 1-2 nights a week, & from that we inadvertently developed a ritual: bottle of Ten High Whiskey (I know, disgusting.. I used to have a stomach lined with steel & hangovers only happened when I was on a mission), pizza, spindle of blank CD-Rs, music music music, Chappelle's Show. I'd crash in his guest room, then off to work in the morning. All the time. 

Once that started, I don't think we missed a single week over 2 or 3y. But by the time of this story, life had gotten in the way a bit & we were only doing this like every 3-4 months. Just how it goes. 

He stops dancing, puts his arms around me & pulls me into a hug. He says "Can we go home? I want it to happen again, it was amazing. You were amazing. I'm not going to try & play this off anymore, that night is all I've thought about since. I think you felt it too, I want to take you home right now & feel those things again. Can we leave?" 

.... ??? .... 

I have no idea what he's talking about. But he's drunk as fuck & I'm beginning to wonder if maybe on ecstasy, which I'd never known him to go near, but ?? (Turned out yes, he was, first time ever. Him dancing should've been my immediate clue.) 

"Lololol okay faggot, yeah, good idea. I'll drop you off, we'll deal with your car in the morning. I'm gonna go get you some water & say goodbye to people, we'll leave in 5 minutes." I turn to do this, he pulls me back to him & gently takes my face in his hands, this intense-as-fuck look in his eyes. 

"No, not drop me off. Stay the night. All I want in the world is to be inside you again." 
*
::skeeeeerrrrt!!!:: *

I start laughing. So hard. So fucking hard. Not at all out of cruelty, just, you know when one of your friends gets so fucked up that they say or do some amazingly dumb, humiliating shit & it's just one for the fuckin books. You'll bring it up later just to break their balls because it's objectively hilarious & it's not like _you_ have any shortage of embarrassing shit you've done that they can fire back with.. just bantz. 

And at this point, my drunk friend is possibly on his first-ever roll & I'm not totally sure he actually knows who he's talking to.. it _is_ really dark in here, after all.. lololol omg I'm never going to let him live this shit down. This is awesome. He thinks I'm some chick he stuck it to. Lolololol. 

In between gasps for air, I croaked out "Mr. Z. My broski. Tell me my name. What is my name. Say my name out loud right now." My eyes had been mostly squeezed shut from the laughing, but I hear my name, middle included. I think 'holy fucking shit this is even better! Knows it's me.. thinks we've fucked before? This shit is so whack it might not even be ball-busting ammo because he's going to think I made it the fuck up.' Dying... dying.... laughing more.. dying... 

I get it together & wipe my eyes. "Wow, yeah. 'Inside me'. Okay. As if. Also, puke. The fuck did you take tonight? Babe you're thrashed. Never mind the water there's some in the car. Let's get you to bed you are fucking dazed & confused. Love you, tho I'm never gonna let you live this one down. Jesus Christ. 'Inside me.' Nigga please." 

My eyes are open now, I go in for a hug. But he pulls away & I'm not looking into the face of a happy man. Immediately I'm sorry I didn't snap a muzzle on the laughter fast enough, but fuck he really sprung that on me out of left field & I'd been smashing my brain up with alcohol abuse all day.. he's talking, clearly fucking upset now but it had gotten too noisy to hear him. I take his hand & drag him outside. Now he won't talk. 

Damage control: "Hey, I'm sorry.. I just don't know what you're talking about & I've never seen you this way so let's just go. I'll just crash at your place, I'm tired anyway. We'll make popcorn, watch tv, bro out, talk, whatever you want, let's just go." 

He just stands there. "I can't tell if you've really forgotten or you're fucking with me." 

"I would never fuck with you. I think you're mega blasted right now & you aren't making any sense to me so let's just get somewhere & wind down." 

"I don't want to wind down. If you don't want me now I wish you would just fucking say that instead of all this.. fucking _laughing at me_?? Just say you don't want to. I'll never bring it up again."

So.. I'm fine playing babysitter for my friends when they're in over their heads with the partying, but I do get a little irritated when it involves a state of incessant psychobabble & non-cooperation. So I kinda lost my patience at this point: 

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? AGAIN??? WANT YOU NOW?? DON'T WANT TO WHAT?" 

"HAVE SEX WITH ME AGAIN!" 

.... 

"We've never had sex. You are confused, you're tired, I have no idea what you want me to say." 

"Just.. nothing. I'm going back in. I'll call you.. or something." 

??? 

He leaves. I stand there. Mystified. Do I go in after him? What the shit just happened? 

Suddenly I'm completely exhausted. The day has caught up to me. I'm cold. I'm hungry. I'm FUCKING BEWILDERED. I go back in, but I can't find him. So I leave. 

As I'm driving home, it hits me. Holy. Fuck. He is not confused at all. We totally _did_ have sex that one time, he's right. o oo

(This autism continues for about an hour.)

I get home. I must piece this event back together, and then I will deal with whatever horrific damage I just did to this person I care about. (Despite everything you just read.) 

Roommate returns, "How was your night?"... 

"Welll......"

To this day, that asshole still randomly bursts into lolseizures over this. And I deserve it.





Spoiler: TL;DR



I nailed a very good friend of mine, & promptly memory-holed the event (probably because I was drunk that night, in my meager defense). Months later, following a day of hard drinking + already blind & oblivious to the fact that he was actually harboring some years-long & deep feels for me, I pretty much ripped him apart by a) laughing myself rètarded at his assertion that I had ever had sex with him; and b) adamantly --and in earnest-- arguing with him that I had not. I was fucking brain-damage drunk for most of that day, and occasionally, my wiring // mental re.tard.ation leads to some really uncool shit like this. 

Somehow, we're still friends, we still have NO-SEX Bro-Outs every few years. He met a cool chick, & he's deservedly very happy now. 

And we do not speak of this night.

Nearly 15 years later I am still power-cringing. I rarely touch alcohol now. I know, I know.. THOT.. But what the fuck do you faggots want from me, I was drunk when I did it, I'd been day-drinking my balls off the night this happened & I have a shit memory. Bite me.



There. And now my debt is paid.


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## Rumpled Foreskin (Mar 13, 2019)

@Nurse Ratchet


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## YI 457 (Mar 15, 2019)

@Nurse Ratchet What a thot.


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## Clockwork_PurBle (Mar 15, 2019)

_laughs in virgin_


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## Nurse Ratchet (Mar 15, 2019)

Abilene said:


> @Nurse Ratchet What a thot.



?Whatever, salty.? 

You're just pissed off that I'd probably memory-hole the experience on _purpose_ if I ever threw it to you, lol. 

Also, no u.


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## Grotesque Bushes (Mar 15, 2019)

This is a story of Winamp playing tricks. I used to have my entire music catalogue on shuffle more or less 24/7, with a rather eclectic mix across genres, with variety items tossed in for laughs.

We've sailed post foreplay and I'm plowing this chick, then the moody jazzy track that was on finishes and the theme song to Power Rangers stars blaring with the volume of an air raid siren. I am become spaghetti. At the same time I ignore it making no comment, but also start thrusting to the rhythm. She makes no comment of it, but we're both rather embarrassed.

A week or two later we're at it again, and once again appropriate mod music stops while we're in flagrante. This time it's not Power Rangers. With a ton of effort and despite chuckling I manage to finish.

The next time she's over she switched off the music without saying a word before we got to business.


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## Nurse Ratchet (Mar 15, 2019)

GrotesqueBushes said:


> This is a story of Winamp playing tricks. I used to have my entire music catalogue on shuffle more or less 24/7, with a rather eclectic mix across genres, with variety items tossed in for laughs.
> 
> We've sailed post foreplay and I'm plowing this chick, then the moody jazzy track that was on finishes and the theme song to Power Rangers stars blaring with the volume of an air raid siren. I am become spaghetti. At the same time I ignore it making no comment, but also start thrusting to the rhythm. She makes no comment of it, but we're both rather embarrassed.
> 
> ...



_"I am become spaghetti."_

Bro. 

This is the greatest post I have read in a really long time. For so many reasons.


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## Midlife Sperglord (Mar 22, 2019)

I once had a boyfriend who was far more interested in the vodka he was drinking than the sex we were having.  Literally got out of bed to refill his drink, and I am like, what the fuck?  It was embarrassing that I ever saw anything in that cunt.


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## ProgKing of the North (Mar 22, 2019)

I was eating a girl out once and I gagged on her bush and she got offended and threw me out of her apartment (she was quite drunk). We're still good friends.


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## DrJonesHat (Mar 24, 2019)

I have severe ADHD and have been known to get up and wander off during the proceedings, it doesn't matter if it was good or not. I've gotten yelled at several times, so now I pop a Concerta (like Ritlilan or Aderall with fewer side effects) so I can give my lady my undivided attention.


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## Grotesque Bushes (Apr 2, 2019)

This isn't a sex story, but it's worth telling.

I've met Anne in college, and she was absolutely gorgeous. Petite but still curvy, with beautiful large eyes, sweet voice, an actually interesting and pleasant personality and a charitable streak to boot. Plus her ass was so great that when I  walked into a room and saw her sitting astride on a chair my brain switched off and I've walked into a shelving unit. Wife material, legit 10/10, would bring home to momma.
We hit it off quite well, hanging out after classes, grabbing a beer here or there, getting to know each other. I've met her brother with whom she was living, got told her life story, some shy kisses and hugs have happened.
One beautiful summer day we've finished classes (or maybe was it an exam? There was next to noone around) and as per usual we take a lazy route chatting and laughing. At the very steps of the college I ask her if she has any plans for today. She blushed slightly, smiled, looked at me with those doe-like eyes and said that her brother is away and she has no plans, so she'll spend the day alone and bored in her apartment. To which I've responded:

"Well that's shit. I'm fucking off to a fucking friend of mine, cya"
(Do mind that English is very limited when it comes to vulgarity. What I've actually said was more flippant and crude than I can convey in Shakespeare's language)

With that I've spun on my heel, put in my headphones and started power walking with the speed, strength and grace of a prize stallion. My brain caught up after I've rounded the corner, half a block later.
I've sent her a message with my apology, knowing that this shit was beyond salvaging either way. Or maybe it was if I've stopped and got back to her then and there. Instead I've got to my mate's house and told him what happened. He was crying, holding an oven door for for dear life cause his legs gave out from laughing so hard, I was hanging off a chair backrest for the same reason.
I did not hook up with Anne, and we've drifted apart after this episode.

The lesson here is: if you have something that's already in the bag but you need to fuck it up - give me a call, I'm a pro.

edit: got rid of some shit spacing that i haven't noticed typing on my phone.


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## Scarlett Johansson (Oct 7, 2019)

I have a friend let's call him Joe.



Spoiler



One time we went into a study room on campus during fall break and had sex.

I laid on the table (the room basically looked like one of the common rooms in Harry Potter) and he basically went to town. I laid on my back and spread my legs and he pounded away. It was tight and it was hot. I was about to cum and all of a sudden I got cum in his eye! He was in pain and had to wash it out. I couldn't stop laughing. As punishment I let him finish inside me. It was wet and sticky lol.


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## Y2K Baby (Oct 7, 2019)

jellycar said:


> I have a friend let's call him Joe.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Lol, gay nigga.


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## Recoil (Oct 7, 2019)

Damned powerleveling rules


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## Human Flesh (Oct 7, 2019)

Y2K Baby said:


> Lol, gay nigga.


Are you still a wizard?


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## Y2K Baby (Oct 7, 2019)

Human Flesh said:


> Are you still a wizard?


Warlock.


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## Dwight Frye (Oct 7, 2019)

About four years ago, my (now ex) and I were having sex at his place. We finished, cleaned up and went downstairs to be greeted by his bemused mother. He had neglected to tell me his mother had a key to his place, and would let herself in unannounced at times (why???) This also happened to be the first time I had met his mother. Found out later that she had been there for some time and had heard us fucking. Instead of just leaving, she stayed and listened. Apparently what was so damn important was she brought him food. 

So yeah, that ranks pretty high as most embarrassing experiences go. Creepy as well..


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## Scarlett Johansson (Oct 8, 2019)

Autumnal Equinox said:


> About four years ago, my (now ex) and I were having sex at his place. We finished, cleaned up and went downstairs to be greeted by his bemused mother. He had neglected to tell me his mother had a key to his place, and would let herself in unannounced at times (why???) This also happened to be the first time I had met his mother. Found out later that she had been there for some time and had heard us fucking. Instead of just leaving, she stayed and listened. Apparently what was so damn important was she brought him food.
> 
> So yeah, that ranks pretty high as most embarrassing experiences go. Creepy as well..



Does his mom still deliver him food?


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## Syaoran Li (Oct 8, 2019)

Not an embarrassing sex story, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express one time when I was nineteen. 

My friend and I were visiting New Orleans during the week of Thanksgiving just for the hell of it since his family was out of state and mine did not have any plans that year. He was 21 and we bought a lot of fucking booze and just went around sightseeing and taking advantage of the fact that New Orleans does not have open container laws.

Apparently, my friend decided to hook up with some chick he met at the hotel bar and I was in the room by myself. I just stayed up the whole night guzzling MD 20/20 and Pepsi mixed with vodka while watching Comedy Central until I passed out at some point in the morning.

By the time I woke up and actually sober enough to be aware of my surroundings, I was in the backseat of my friend's car completely shirtless and we were crossing the Mississippi-Tennessee border into Memphis on our way back home. I later asked him why I had no shirt on and apparently I vomited on myself while we were still in Louisiana and the shirt was thrown away since it was stinking up the car.


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## Berserker Armor (Oct 8, 2019)

i have come back to the thread to share a horrible story from my youth. not really sexy but it is interesting to say the least and i allow any autistic ratings as
 i was drunk and this was like.... 7 months ago



Spoiler: its honestly the most retarded thing i have done



i was at my ex boyfriend's house and his mom thought we were going to fuck despite the fact there were like a whole ass group of people at the house. his mom actually pulled him aside while we were all playing mario party and gave him these HUGE things of flavored lube. he came back in, taking me into his room and goes "my mom gave me these because she thinks we are going to have sex?". of course the first thing i did was take them out of his hand and inspect the flavors (blackberry and fucking banana creme like bruh). we were laughing it up then i decided to do something. by then one of his friends came in to see what we were doing. my dumb ass took one and poured it into my hand and ate it. he did the same. i started having a asthma attack on the floor while my ex was trying to not laugh at me while coughing. his friend legit walked back into the living room and told everyone my ex and i were fucking. we went back into the living room, not knowing this is what he told them. we decided to never speak of this event again of how we both drunkly ate lube on top of his mom thinking we were fucking, and sadly now his friends think we fucked.


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## Gravityqueen4life (Oct 8, 2019)

had sex with someone over the age of 50. 

was the best sex i ever had.


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## Berserker Armor (Oct 8, 2019)

Gravityqueen4life said:


> had sex with someone over the age of 50.
> 
> was the best sex i ever had.


honestly. live ur best life i guess.


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## Ido (Oct 8, 2019)

My vision is based on movement, makes things awkward in bed.


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## A Welsh Cake (Oct 8, 2019)

I was having sex with a big titty mega hot supermodel in my mansion when after her bajillionth orgasm of the night (of which had been only 5 minutes so far) she hopped off my 20 foot long schlong and opened up my computer, inside she saw my Kiwi Farms account and posting history; she said I was a dangerous individual which only made her hornier.
Very awkward if I say so myself.


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## No Exit (Oct 8, 2019)

A bit of a powerleveling risk since I'm sure my old friends heard this story but whatever.

I fist-bumped my ex during sex once because I thought it would be funny. I also learned that day that inside of a vagina feels really weird on your dick when the girl you're fucking laughs.


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## CharlesBarkley (Oct 8, 2019)

Yo I fucked more fat chicks then diabities.


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## Underestimated Nutria (Oct 8, 2019)

My boyfriend travels a lot to teach.  As he is at present.  He is very dignified and self conscious, and I think wrestles a lot with his internal antifaggotry, so unfortunately a lot of the time our relationship even when together is, except for sex, pretty much indistinguishable from platonic friendship.  Today, however, I managed to get him sufficiently out of his comfort zone enough for "phone sex".  It was awkward.  Even trying to get a scenario going for it was impossible.   Before he hung up on me, I manged to learn a good fantasy would commence "in car", which I presume relates to fellatio while driving?  Wild stuff, real revelatory.  Not to sound like CWC, but they should teach classes in this shit.


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## Frostnipped Todger (Oct 11, 2019)

I once worked with a woman who (honestly)  seemed like she worked as an escorts or something similar on the side. She was super flirty and over the top with hugs and other forms of physical affection (this was long before #metoo was a thing). One day she invited me to her place for "drinks", and then promptly took me out to a bar, where she proceeded throw around a bunch of cash buying me the most expensive drinks on the menu. In the taxi on the way back to her place she's rubbing up against me, telling me that she's "super orgasmic" and that she's into "crazy stuff" in the bedroom (all of this is annoying as fuck to me because I hate public displays of affection, and generally women who talk that way are full of shit)...
Anyway, we walk in the front door and she immediately starts with the foreplay, ripping off my clothes and pulling me down on top of her. I figure that maybe she wasn't lying so I started being a bit rough with her (holding her down etc etc). I finally get to the point where my hands are on her butt, so I decided to slip a finger in there, only to be met with a flood of shit all over my thighs. It turns out that she was in the last week of chemotherapy, and hadn't bothered to tell me this was a side effect.
I guess she was full of shit after all.


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## Pocket Dragoon (Oct 11, 2019)

Croan Çhiollee said:


> ....  I finally get to the point where my hands are on her butt, so I decided to slip a finger in there, only to be met with a flood of shit all over my thighs. It turns out that she was in the last week of chemotherapy, and hadn't bothered to tell me this was a side effect.
> I guess she was full of shit after all.



I had a roommate/best friend that loved telling me how his favorite thing is to pop a thumb his girl's butt, right before she'd climax.  I thought he was bullshitting until one night they were banging it out while I was trying to watch something on TV.  It was pretty distracting until suddenly there was silence, and I heard; "You're so weird, why do you always put your finger in my ass!"

But that wasn't the last time.

It may have had something to do with them breaking up, but on a similar night I was again watching TV while being serenaded by the rutting, and there was sudden silence.  I heard a scream, cursing, the bedroom door flew open, and they both tried running into the bathroom simultaneously, naked, shit smeared all over my roommate's hand and his girlfriend's ass.

It was even funnier, because they both made the door and got briefly stuck, thereby smearing more shit around as they tried pushing past each other.

I was still laughing when she left on nearly a dead run, and nearly died when my friend stepped out of the bathroom and said completely serious; "Hey bro, I'm hungry.  Let's go get tacos."


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## Slimy Time (Oct 11, 2019)

This is a long one, is tangentially related to me and is a power-level.


Spoiler: This is a fail



Out on an all nighter in London for one of my friends' birthdays. Go through the usual birthday drinks/drunkeness, people go home and it ends up with birthday boy (BB), a friend (C) and I. C drank too much and missed his train out out of London and BB likewise lives outside London, so we all decide "fuck it, let's go all night till the earliest train back for our friend C". BB is loaded btw and both are very, very drunk (with me as the minder). How drunk? Drunk enough to throw pint glasses around in the middle of the road drunk.

Long story short, we got a large black casino security worker to take us to a hidden brothel. It's on the top floor of a 4 story building, just off of the main road 15 minutes from where we were. When you exit the lift, there is plastic all on the walls and floor before you enter the rooms. The room/penthouse we were in was large enough to have a staircase in it, with three attractive Eastern European prostitutes there, an Eastern European female handler/brothel head, and the already mentioned large black security man guarding the door.

I don't have the money on me in cash to hire a prostitute, having spent most of it on drinks earlier, but BB and C do. So they go into the rooms inside the penthouse rooms to get it on while I talk to the security guy/last prostitute and wait. Within 3 minutes, C comes running out and starts knocking on the door where BB is getting it on furiously. Idiot thought he had money, but had nothing (remember, both very drunk at the time). So throughout the whole time where BB is trying to smash this prostitute, C is continuously shouting and begging him for money.

Security guy becomes irate, this is supposed to be a quiet/hidden brothel, he's looking like he might get physical. I make the decision to leave the drunks and bail ASAP. I give the Kevin Spacey excuse, say I'm just there to look after them and get out. I wait for 5-10 minutes across the road for them, they don't come out, but security guy does, so I book it to the tube station and leave them behind.

I learned later that BB ended up paying several hundred pounds for basically a handjob with a bit of a blowjob thanks to C's antics. Apparently the security guy wanted me to help them compensate for the disruption to their other clients, but because I fucked off when I saw him, they just took their money and turfed them out. Somehow they managed to make it to 9am and get home on minimum cash.


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## Fliddaroonie (Oct 11, 2019)

a very long time ago, when I first started having sex with my first "proper" boyfriend, we went through a phase of "try *ALL* the things". We were both into kind of rough stuff, and once, he tried flipping me over kind of rough onto my front, but managed to fling me off his bunk bed (yes, I know, I'll take all the mockery I deserve for that).

Only, I smacked my head on the floor, was left with a giant gash and totally out cold. I was out for twenty minutes and in that time, he'd panicked and gone to the next door neighbours, who was my chemistry teacher in school. Had the most awkward parent-teacher evening ever at school a couple of months later


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## Alpacawitz (Oct 12, 2019)

A time ago I was staying at a friend's place on his couch for a couple months. I got tired of sleeping on his couch so I decided to peruse the ol online dating scene. I came across an older lady who was down to hang out. I go over and she is at least 150-200 lbs more than her photos showed. There weren't any myspace angles so I wasn't suspicious at the time.

She took up a chair that could easily fit two normal sized individuals while I sat on the triple seater. I was already there and felt too demoralised to leave (plus I wanted to sleep on a real bed). 

So we talk for a bit and smoked some stuff while she told me how great her life was. Eventually she gets my pants off and gives me head. It was shit so I just tried my best to cum on her face. I dribble a bit so I figure that's good enough.

She then says that she's great at giving head. I said she was average and then she got offended. She then asked if I thought she was  attractive. I said you are alright and she obviously did not like that but I wasn't there for her emotional validation. I was there for the bed.

She started crying so I said I should leave. She then messaged me saying that she's better than alright and that she was a rape survivor. I ignored that and just went to my buddies couch in the sadness that I wasn't able to sleep on a proper bed.

A month later I did finally get to sleep on a proper bed so it was all good. Another story for the degeneracy that is my life.


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## Niggernerd (Oct 12, 2019)

Few years ago, I was off for vacation so spent most of it binging Gundam 0079, invite girlfriend for some snoosnoo and when she was screaming "harder!" I yelled "OH YEA WELL CAN YOU HANDLE MY...HEAT ROD!!" and when I climaxed she giggles and said "I've never heard that before" and lays her head on my chest and all I could say was "it's no mere zaku boy, no zaku"

It's embarrassing personally because I couldn't stop thinking how cool Ramba Ral sounded saying it.


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## Frostnipped Todger (Oct 12, 2019)

Another girl from the same workplace (that place was a shooting gallery)....
Was very drunk at her place, and she was very inexperienced, so I was her first person that would do anything that she was interested in (I draw the line at me being beaten, anything else and I'm happy to do it). We had just spoken to her room mate about getting pizza and he said he would go after his shower... So she drags me to her bedroom and proceeds to try to suck some affection out of me (this girl was way into me, and was basically acting like my sex slave to get me to reciprocate).... Things are getting to the important point, and she's  blind drunk and going hard when simultaneously her housemate opens the door to tell us that he's leaving, and she goes a little too deep and proceeds to vomit all over my husband parts....


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## Tragi-Chan (Oct 12, 2019)

I once dated someone who had a thing about public places, which I learned on one of our first dates. We were out, we’d had too much to drink and she suggested heading for bed. I thought she meant my place, but she said she didn’t want to wait that long. This was in Central London, where it is basically impossible to find a street with no people or CCTV cameras. We ducked into the back streets, and eventually found an empty alleyway with no lights and no cameras. We duck into a doorway and start going at it. And then the door next to us opened and a horrified-looking guy stepped out. Rather put me off.


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## queerape (Oct 14, 2019)

Once, a boyfriend's boomer dad was asking him for help how to use the remote while he was on vid chat with me. Boyfriend said he didn't know, after dad went back upstairs, when dad was gone boyfriend started doing naughty stuff with me on vid chat--> moves his laptop to his room so he can continue.

We were getting like hardcore into it, when WITHOUT ANY PROVOCATION his dad straight up BARGES INTO HIS ROOM. Boyfriend's erect penis is still out and I'm literally naked on the screen, the door was closed and his dad didn't even fucking knock.  My boyfriend throws a blanket over the laptop in panic and I scream. He hurridly covers his penis. His dad is all like "I still can't get the damn thing to work just get upstairs and help me!" and boyfriend is all like "OMG DAD I CAN'T HELP YOU FOR THE LAST TIME AAAAAGH GO AWAY", but his dad still didn't leave. So boyfriend yells  "FUCK OFF DAD HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, JUST ASK MY BROTHER!!!" He wasn't even normally rude to his parents, but his dad really was being slow after walking in on us and wouldn't leave otherwise. Finally his dad walked out, and we were able to continue.

Oh, by the way, his dad's name was Bob.


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## Mr. 0 (Oct 14, 2019)

queerape said:


> Oh, by the way, his dad's name was Bob.


your lucky he wasn't there to cut that internet down until he got the remote working


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## Pocket Dragoon (Oct 14, 2019)

Fliddaroonie said:


> a very long time ago, when I first started having sex with my first "proper" boyfriend, we went through a phase of "try *ALL* the things". We were both into kind of rough stuff, and once, he tried flipping me over kind of rough onto my front, but managed to fling me off his bunk bed (yes, I know, I'll take all the mockery I deserve for that).
> 
> Only, I smacked my head on the floor, was left with a giant gash and totally out cold. I was out for twenty minutes and in that time, he'd panicked and gone to the next door neighbours, who was my chemistry teacher in school. Had the most awkward parent-teacher evening ever at school a couple of months later



There should be a "Sexual Injuries" thread, too.

A girl I briefly dated during high school moved across the country for college, and we tried doing the long distance thing.  

After nearly a year apart, we finally nailed down a weekend together before Thanksgiving, despite of all the family functions we were both obligated to attend.  I picked her up from the airport  and after a 2hr drive back to my place, we had barely enough energy for a quick bang before bed.

At that time, I had a softside twin-size bed, with the headboard against the middle of the wall; so there was enough room on her side to get out.  However, she'd left her house shoes on my side (also closest to the door), and she decided to do roll over me and hop out of bed....  and in doing so broke two small bones in the middle of her foot when she landed awkwardly & rolled her ankle somehow.
By 8am the next morning, her entire foot below the ankle was bruised, wouldn't fit into her shoes, and she couldn't put any weight on that foot.

It was a decent excuse to skip out on all the upcoming family gatherings, but they hated me until the end because I was somehow responsible for her being MIA (they never liked me anyhow, so).


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## ForgedBlades (Oct 14, 2019)

I got busted by a cop back in high school with a Trojan on my dick and my pants around my ankles. We would fuck in the back of my Expedition nearly every night in the parking lot of some softball fields close to my high school. One night I looked up and saw some headlights driving down the long road that leads to the lot. I freaked out, pulled my cock out, jumped into the driver's seat, threw the truck into reverse, and tried to speed off. I'm a real romantic if you can't tell. 

Cop immediately lit me up before I could even get the shifter into drive. Keep in mind, I'm sitting there with a wrapped boner and my pants on the floor, she's in the back with no pants on. Cop comes up to the window, gives me the "What's going on tonight?", and I hit back with the classic "Uhhh... you know. Just hanging out." 

He checked our IDs and told us to finish up because his shift is almost over and the guy who patrols the area later would probably take us in. Cool guy in hindsight. Sadly, the mood was completely ruined and I didn't get to bust that night.


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## The Sauce Boss (Oct 14, 2019)

My first time having sex, my girlfriend and I were at her friend's house. We'd snuck off into the guest bedroom, but we kinda didn't want people to realize what we were doing so we, in our infinite wisdom, decided to do it anywhere but on the bed. However, I underestimated how heavy this girl actually was (she wasn't fat, but she had really thick thighs and a heavier frame. Like, if she didn't work out, she'd have looked fat.) When she went to wrap her legs around me, I realized that she was way too heavy to hold up and I tried to move to brace her against the wall or something. 

Cue me basically bodyslamming my GF into the wall. It was so damn loud and us hitting the floor was even louder because it was an old hardwood floor. Her friends got to come in and see us in the buff. For the rest of the time that we dated, I never lived it down.


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## User name: Required (Oct 14, 2019)

Having sex is for incels


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## Ghostse (Oct 15, 2019)

Not my story but:

I worked as a night shift security guard for a while. Sometimes you're alone, sometimes you have another guard with you. One time I'm working with another guard who was a vietnam vet, and he told me a story about being in the army state side and being in a New Orleans motel (I can't remember why, I think it was just getting off base for the weekend) and at night they all went to a bar to pick up women. This guy was chatting one up, she was super into him, but the bartender does him a solid and lets him know its a tranny. So this guy got the fuck out. His buddy, however, decided he was going to see what it was like to bang a tranny. They try to talk him out of it, but he still ends up leaving back to his hotel room with the tranny in tow.
And this is the 70s, so this is not just pre-op but pre-everything.

So after doing the deed, the tranny then turned over and in its normal voice said "Ok Soldierboy, now its my turn."

Buddy was out of there, butt ass naked, pounding on the guy's door "OPEN UP YOU GOTTA HELP ME SHE'S GOING TO FUCK MY ASS".


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## Hux (Oct 15, 2019)

A few months ago, I was at my then girlfriend's apartment and we decided to have a go at it that night, but her wooden bedframe was on its last legs. Was on top of her, but the force of it made one of the beams under the mattress snap in half, but I just said fuck it and kept going until all the other beams snapped in half and the entire mattress fell all the way through

She made me pay for a new frame the day after


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## UntimelyDhelmise (Oct 16, 2019)

It was my first time. Met a guy and we agreed to go to a local gaming group to play some Smash Bros. before going back to his place. If it wasn't for my shyness and desperation I would've bolted early because the son of a bitch wore a furry tail to the actual location, and then we get to his house and the entire living room is covered from floor to ceiling with Disney paraphernalia, like a museum dedicated to that shit would've had less than this weirdo.

To make matters worse, both of us were inexperienced idiots and didn't have condoms or lube beforehand, and when things were getting steamy I got impatient and begged him to stick it in, _dry_. 10 seconds later I was practically throwing him off of me the pain was that severe.


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## Pocket Dragoon (Oct 16, 2019)

UntimelyDhelmise said:


> It was my first time. Met a guy and we agreed to go to a local gaming group to play some Smash Bros. before going back to his place. If it wasn't for my shyness and desperation I would've bolted early because the son of a bitch wore a furry tail to the actual location, and then we get to his house and the entire living room is covered from floor to ceiling with Disney paraphernalia, like a museum dedicated to that shit would've had less than this weirdo.



Not really embassing, just cringe.

I got roped by a girl who I somehow ran into every summer at the Renaissance Festival.  During high school I started as a paid heckler at the Festival's front gate, and then after graduating school, began moonlighting for a sword vendor.  Having to be at the festival grounds early during the weekdays meant I had to make roughly a 100mi commute, until she offered to let me crash at her place for the entire festival run.

She was cute & fun to kick it with part-time; a manic punk with the pixie cut, with decent knowledge of my favorite OG industrial (Throbbing Gristle, Skinny Puppy, etc), and an uncanny ability to banter.  But nothing we did together gave me any hint of her non-platonic intentions......  or her fetish for RP as Princess Jasmine.

Her parents thought I was a good influence & totally friendzoned, so they were on-board with my temporary stay in their guestroom.  And the first night I spent at her house (parental units present) nothing seemed amiss, which was a Saturday; the same for Sunday.  I had planned on leaving early Monday morning, so I could make it to my 2nd shift clock-in at 3pm.

After an early supper, she broke out the movie DVD's, pulled out Aladdin, and told her parents we were going to watch it in the her room, as they were watching Letterman.  Which was cool, because Robin Williams, otherwise I wasn't really into Disney movies.

So we retired to her bedroom and turned on the TV, and getting settled into the futon I noticed she had rolled up a blanket and stuffed it in the crack under the door, but since we had smoked dope a few times I figured we were gonna get lit, which I was totally down for, more so than the movie.

Then she pulled out the goddamn Jasmine/belly-dancer costume, wig, mini-hookah, weed.....  and a fucking Arabian carpet.  Fortunately she didn't provide the Aladdin vest.

Knowing how some girls have weird customs when it comes to watching their favorite childhood films, I remained on the futon as she set everything up.  We then smoked a bit on the carpet before starting the movie, and made fun of that weekend's festival patrons in-character (her as Jasmine, me as the Glaswegian new-&-used sword salesman I came up with for work).

When we finally got around to watching, we were both pretty into the movie, not saying much.  But at the point where Aladdin & Jasmine got all gloopy on the flying carpet, it was like a switch got flipped & she turned it dirty.  

And by dirty, I mean _dirrrrrty._

The problem was, she kept mashing up Jasmine with Mary Magdalene, and the weird segue from "A Whole New World" to _The Passion of the Christ_ threw me off my game so much it became exceedingly hard to bust; on top of becoming frustrated with her manual ministrations, she was too tight (despite being wet like a waterballoon popped in her lap), and her assbone was seriously bruising my groinal areas.  

So I stopped her mid-grind.

"I'm not Jesus, I can't miracle this; you're gonna have to rub it out on the genie lamp or something."

I shouldn't have said anything because it snapped her back in character; she restarted the movie at the magic carpet ride, and tried to sing along while she reverse-cowgirl'd, and I tried evading her pelvic bone/coccyx again.  Finally things got done, and I went back to the guestroom to nurse my bruised bits and quell my confusion.

That drive in the morning was probably the most painful ones I've ever endured, to the point I had to stop and get a bag of frozen peas halfway.  And for the next two days, I was working my assembly line job all bowlegged.

We did bang it out a couple times over the years after that, mostly during the Festival run, but I made a point of suggesting movies that had nothing to do with Disney princesses.  That habit stuck with me ever since with girlfriends, because I'd like my memories of favorite childhood films to remain pure, goddamnit.


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## Panzermensch (Mar 7, 2022)

So a few years ago, me and my husband were really fucking horny one morning, so we decided to just rail on the couch, our fucking (at the time) roommate decided to walk into the living room (although we warned him not to) by the time I was nutting inside my hubby and all he said was "Holy shit what the fuck?" and just kept on explaining why we basically shouldn't be faggots in *our own living room. *Which is ofc stupid as fuck as we paid the bills and he didn't.

 That's one of the few stories that comes to mind.


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## Smaug's Smokey Hole (Mar 7, 2022)

Panzermensch said:


> explaining why we basically shouldn't be faggots in *our own living room.*


Were you being faggots though? There's a difference between gay and faggot. He might have had a point.


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## Panzermensch (Mar 7, 2022)

Smaug's Smokey Hole said:


> Were you being faggots though? There's a difference between gay and faggot. He might have had a point.


Wait, there's a difference between gay & faggot?
I must be a dumbass because I didn't realize or I forgot over some time.


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## Smaug's Smokey Hole (Mar 7, 2022)

Panzermensch said:


> Wait, there's a difference between gay & faggot?
> I must be a dumbass because I didn't realize or I forgot over some time.


It's okay, in these times people fail to make the distinction. Personally I think it hurts homosexuals more than anyone.


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## Kari Kamiya (Mar 8, 2022)

I'm getting my wizardship soon so no stories about _me_, but I accidentally made one of my parents' session an embarrassment.

Basically eleven-year-old me wanted something and I didn't want to go ask my parents myself, so I sent my nine-year-old brother up in my stead because I'm the boss and my brothers do whatever I want of them. The brother said the door was locked, so I told him to get the key and get in there. A moment later the door slams shut and he comes running down the stairs and buries himself in the couch, refusing to talk about what happened. That August, my baby brother would be born.

Years later, I learned that my brother walked in on our parents in the act of procreation because I told him to like the cold bitch I am. Their bedroom is above the family room where I was sitting, and I didn't hear any strange noises. Selective hearing does that, I guess.


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## Panzermensch (Mar 9, 2022)

Smaug's Smokey Hole said:


> It's okay, in these times people fail to make the distinction. Personally I think it hurts homosexuals more than anyone.


Acually, what are the differences? all we were doing tbh was just railing on the couch (told my roomate before we did to not go in the living room) and then were gonna snuggle up after.


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## Mr. Skeltal (Mar 9, 2022)

In the first year of my marriage I accidentially elbowed my wife square in the face after sex. She started talking to me and I whipped around to face her mid-stretch. Suffice to say that round two didn't happen that night.

She hasn't let me live it down since.


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## Shidoen (Mar 9, 2022)

Never had dick to vag sex so technically a virgin. However, I mastered the art of jacking off a pussy. It's literally a tiny inverted penis for women, anyway. First time I'm doing it I instantly figured it out since I like to do hands-on work. A female friend came which I didn't expect because I thought the female orgasm was a myth. So I screamed at the top of my lungs "IT'S REAL!!!!". Her dad heard me and was safe to say you don't want a white boy fucking with your black daughter. So I did the rational thing and ran my fatass out the door with only my shorts and carrying my shoes. I lost my favorite Vegeta shirt that day, but at least I got closure on how a female orgasm worked.


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## Panzermensch (Apr 4, 2022)

Some years ago, for about 2 months, me and my husband lived in a motel (he was my boyfriend at the time) Right next to us was some very Christian people. They would just be full on dickheads about us being together, So one night we were getting ready for having our "fun time" and my dumbass thought they already moved like they said they were going to so all they heard for 15 minutes was groaning, clapping and me calling him all types of pet names. He was panting real loud and almost there and then.... we hear a knock on the door. Some asshole essentially blue balled both of us, I told him we'll try to finish it off in a minute and then I opened up the door. let's just say, the wife next door wasn't very happy about us fucking loud although they did it all the time and we had to hear it. They also even tried to use the bible as an "amazing example" of why I shouldn't buttfuck my own partner as a gay man.


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## Wesker (Apr 4, 2022)

Met a girl in an AOL chatroom in the mid 00s. Talked about meeting to get blown. Went over her house when she was alone around 8:30AM and her parents weren't home. She was watching the Tony Danza show. I sat on the couch and she started rubbing my cock. So I pulled it out, and she gave me the toothest blowjob I've ever gotten. No use of the hand at all. Just teeth with some spit. I couldn't cum (of course) so I made her sit on the couch and I jerked off on her face and left. Never talked to her again.


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## GorillaGhost (Apr 4, 2022)

Back when I was still a virgin, long, long ago when kaiju walked the earth and battled gods, I failed to bone five girls I really liked. I was too nervous. 
Then at 17, I got drunk and fucked someone with great tits that I didn't love. ...but hey. At least she was cool and had great hooters.


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