# PTSD



## GolgoXIII (Dec 12, 2015)

Sorry in advance if this was already discussed however I feel this was the best place for it.

Tumblr jokes aside I made this thread to seek others who battle this invisible enemy.

In late 2013 as an EMT I witnessed an accident that brought up the diagnosis and subsequently I had left the field and found solace building PCs while undergoing counseling.

Up until last month the funding for my counseling ended and now im left gripping at straws hoping that an episode doesn't happen. So far so good nothing yet.


----------



## pickletickle (Dec 13, 2015)

I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago from an extremely abusive relationship with a violent sociopath. I haven't been able to go to counseling the past couple of months either. I've been staying with my sister because I am scared to be by myself because in addition to worrying about an "episode," I also live in constant fear that the sociopath is going to come after me. 

If you have a friend or family member you're really close to, they can help. You don't necessarily have to live with them like I do, but just let them know what you're going through and ask if it's okay that you give them a call to talk when you think you may feel an episode coming on.


----------



## Evilboshe (Dec 13, 2015)

I got PTSD a few years ago (from a car accident and some abuse).  It was pretty bad at first because I had no one I could talk to about it.  I finally got a diagnosis early last year and found a therapist who would actually believe me and not belittle me about my trauma.  I'm doing a lot better now, but the fear is still there.  When I get particularly stressed out, sometimes the flashbacks will return (albeit in a comparatively minor fashion.  I used to barely be able to close my eyes because that's when the flashbacks would happen.)  And even still, I often do some avoidance stuff, particularly avoiding having people behind me, but I'm finally at a point in my life where I can work on that.

I agree with pickletickle's advice, and I really hope you have someone like that in your life that you feel comfortable confiding in.  When I lived with my parents, I couldn't talk to them because my dad was part of the problem, and my mom didn't think what I was going through was bad enough ("...some fathers RAPE their children...")  I was so scared to tell my friends because I had always been told that my problems weren't "bad enough", so I assumed they'd think I was pathetic.  It felt so good to talk to my friends and have them be really understanding, even though we mostly communicate through texts and internet rather than face-to-face.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Dec 13, 2015)

Thank you @Evilboshe and @pickletickle for posting and sharing your experiences. I do have a few friends who I can trust and can call should something happen.


----------



## The Dude (Dec 15, 2015)

GolgoXIII said:


> Sorry in advance if this was already discussed however I feel this was the best place for it.
> 
> Tumblr jokes aside I made this thread to seek others who battle this invisible enemy.
> 
> ...



I was an EMT for a while and had to leave the field due to emotional and psychological trauma as well. I just got tired of seeing people hurt. It took me many years to finally get over it. I was never diagnosed with PTSD, but I probably had it. 

I know my Father had it, and it definitely contributed to his death. He was in the Vietnam War, serving with the US Navy on river patrol boats. When I was a little kid I remember when he would have terrible nightmares and would scream in his sleep, usually yelling to the members of his boat crew in the middle of a remembered firefight during his dreams. He rarely talked about the war, and when he did it was always pretty vague. I'm pretty sure he had killed someone during the war, maybe a few people, because he only told me once "I was in a couple of firefights during the war. One time the engine broke down and I had to fix it so we could get out of there. It cut my hands up pretty bad." He was the boat's engineman and also ran the M60 machine gun on the rear of the boat. He told me a few other more detailed stories about the war that didn't involve fighting, but any time the story involved combat he always kept it brief and vague. He struggled with it for years and the trauma fueled his alcohol addiction. All that on top of a bad heart and diabetes due to his over eating, also to cope with the trauma, killed my Dad in 2010.


----------



## dickwad (Dec 15, 2015)

My brother had/has PTSD from his time in Afghanistan. He was stationed in Camp Northern lights in peace keeping mission. Out in a patrol to meet with village elders and discuss some stuff (didn't specify). So the grunts are out there waiting for the meeting to end and these two kids are messing around. So they throw some food for the wild dogs to eat and when the dogs go for the bite they throw stones at the dogs. So one of these dogs gets hit on the head and blacks out. These two kids start to hit the dog with sticks trying not to end its life but to maximize the pain. Jabbing with pointy sticks and breaking that dogs legs with stoned kind of fucked my brother up. He tried to stop it but his team leader just said that this is different country than ours (which I sort of understand).  He was stuck there to watch and listen that torture. Me and my brother had two huskies when we were young. So being a "animal lover" made him prone to this sort of stuff. He went therapy for this stuff (the state didn't recognize at first for his need for therapy, money issue gov being a jew). Once in while we were hunting rabbits he kind of spaced out and told he would rather shoot humans that rabbits cause rabbits have never done anything to harm him and how bad humans can be. Nowdays my brother isn't in a bad shape. Same old crazy nut.


----------



## yasscat (Dec 17, 2015)

I have C-PTSD. I'd rather not go into what caused it, because most people wouldn't believe me, would think I'm exaggerating, or try to say that what happened to me doesn't happen in the US. I was diagnosed with PTSD back when I was a teenager, and a couple of years ago (sometime while I was in undergrad), my doctor realized that my symptoms are more in-line with C-PTSD (even though it's not an official diagnosis yet...but I hope it will be soon).

The stigma behind C-PTSD (and PTSD in general) really ticks me off. I wish I could talk about my experiences more openly without being lumped in with the self-diagnosing idiots on tumblr. Explaining my symptoms makes me feel crazy enough as is without worrying about people not taking me seriously or thinking I'm a liar or exaggerator.

I absolutely recommend having a few people who you know you can talk to, in addition to having a few hobbies that can take your mind off of things. (I also recommend NOT doing what I do and consciously consuming media/whatever that you know will trigger you because you hate yourself. Do as I say and not as I do, dammit.)

One thing I always like to remind people of is, yes, there will ALWAYS be someone out there that has it worse than you. This does NOT mean that what you're doing through isn't legitimate or valid. People suffer differently; that doesn't mean that it's not real, if that makes sense.

If anybody ITT ever needs to talk, my inbox is always open. <3


----------



## GolgoXIII (Dec 17, 2015)

@Blake Bumbleby thank you for posting. This thread mainly is a tool for healing if anything and unlike the idiots on tumblr who use this serious issue as an excuse to be shitty indiviuals in real life or online you won't be judged or scrutinized for posting.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Dec 18, 2015)

So Thursday morning I blacked out.

There's a homeless gentlemen we'll call 'Dave' near the place I work out of who always opens the door to the 7/11 for me and unlike many never asks me for a dime or aggressive about it just a guy making the best out of a bad situation.  I decided to chat him up one day after buying him a sandwich and juice from the same 7/11 I saw him infront of each and every morning.

Im getting off work at 7 AM like I normally do and head to the 7/11 for my coffee and I see Dave slumped over near the door. I had known he had become homeless from an undiagnosed mental health issue combined with a drinking problem all the norm in my wonderful city.

I got close to him saying jokingly said " Hey Dave, no slacking off." no response. I shake his foot..no response. I check his vitals..no response.

I remember going into the 7/11 with a tightness in my chest, slurring my words trying to get the clerk to call an ambulance.

I had fainted shortly after according to the EMT that brought me too after passing out on the floor and was taken to hospital to get checked out.

I didn't ask what he died from honestly I don't want to know if it's going to upset me..I think tomorrow im going to put a boquet of flowers and a candle where he'd always be or see if he has any living family.


----------



## Cosmos (Dec 20, 2015)

I don't have PTSD nor am I close to anyone who does, but holy shit, this thread is giving me major feels. You're all very brave for talking about your trauma and seeking to move past it.


----------



## lemongrab (Dec 20, 2015)

I was diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and depression when I was 18 while I was in a horrifically mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I went through a bunch of shit with my parents as a kid, too, and that probably also contributed to it.

The abusive motherfucker is someone who after now years of not being in contact with, is trying to get back in touch with me. They sent a letter last October, and then this year tried to get a hold of me before my birthday by phone. I had made the phone call to have them stop contacting me the morning of my birthday, which after speaking to the appropriate people I completely had a breakdown because I've been dealing with many things over the past few years, and the mere thought of this person sends me over the edge.

I've been in and out of counseling, but there are still times I lose control and have severe flashbacks to events with this douchecanoe. I've made a lot of progress over the past 2 years and I'm pretty proud of myself for getting to this point.

Golgo, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you.


----------



## Tokitae (Dec 20, 2015)

For me it's been a long time since I've had to deal seriously with my PTSD. A lot of the events that caused it happened when I was really young and I can't remember them very clearly at all now (yay?), though it does still affect me enough for it to be an issue.

In terms of talking to other people with PTSD... sometimes it's just nice to know that other people experience something similar and survive, whether it's caused by the same things or not. I was fortunate enough to have access to a good psychiatrist in my teens and to find medication that worked for me, and I'm now well enough to go without both for the most part. I guess all I can say to those of you still struggling is to not lose hope; you might meet a lot of shitty counsellors or try methods for coping that just don't work for you, but don't ever give up. For me it was medication I found most helpful as it helped me get back to a place where I could tell the difference between normal sad/scared and PTSD sad/scared... which was such a relief after such a long time of thinking that the reactions I had to things caused by my illness were my "normal" feelings and I would never be able to change or control them.

In saying that, everyone is different and deals with things at their own pace and in their own ways, so as cheesy as it sounds it really may be just a matter of time until you find something that truly helps you. Like others have said, it's not about who's got it worst or anything like that, it's about finding out what you need to do for you. For me a big realisation was the fact that I can't drink anything alcoholic- the taste, even if it's only slight, is a "trigger" for me. Kind of a bummer I guess, especially since I might not mind drinking with my friends at parties or even just having a casual glass of wine with dinner or something, but it's not worth it to have flashbacks and feel numb and disgusting for the rest of the day/night.

Thanks for making this thread; it's nice to know we aren't alone on here and I'll echo @Blake Bumbleby  in saying that my inbox is always open. I might not be able to help but I can always listen. <3


----------



## GolgoXIII (Dec 20, 2015)

@Cosmos as a few people said it's comforting to know that those that are battling it aren't alone and can relate to the issue. 

@krimsonincode Thank you for your kind words.

@Tokitae You're absolutely right not all PTSD and where it stems from is the same but healing and having a place to talk without judgement or feeling like you gotta carry that weight alone is pretty catharic. 

As for about Thursday I managed to track his brother in the interior if his next of kin haven't been notified.


----------



## Magpie (Dec 20, 2015)

I got saddled with a diagnosis of BPD and PTSD back when I was 15.  Before people flip out a lot and scream to high heaven that ONLY 18+ EVER for personality disorder diagnoses and that is by and large the rule.  My case was severe enough to warrant it.  Anyway, shelve that.

Very early childhood trauma left me pretty fucked from the start.  Lost my younger sister (she was a bit over a year) at the age of 3 1/2 due to what was frankly a freak accident.  Taking a bath, Mom looks away for an instant, she somehow fell and hit her head before going underwater.  I pulled her out but the damage was done.  Got flown to the hospital and put on life support.  Brain dead, would have been a vegetable if the plug hadn't been pulled.  Parents said that my personality totally broke and the me I was before the accident died with her - maybe it's better that I don't remember how I was before then?  I mull it over a lot.  

There was a lot of things that happened to me later in life that probably contributed too.  Near death experiences, more notable ones being some deranged high schoolers trying to kill me (or at the very least severely injure me) when I was in fifth grade and, ironically enough, almost drowning.  Nearly saw my dad die in a motorcycle accident.  Then you got the whole bullying thing throughout all of school, which only served to compound my existing issues.  If I hadn't gotten assfucked by life straight out of the gates it probably would have been easier to tolerate.

Coming up on two decades later I still struggle to shake the idea that it's my fault she's dead.  The nightmares play their hand in that, showing me shoving her, hitting her, or holding her under - things that are patently false.  My parents still need to remind me that it wasn't because of me sometimes.  Thanks to therapy I am a lot less prone to freaking out over baths, and I can handle the nightmares better.  I honestly doubt I will ever really be fully healed from all of this, none of my family will.  Still, it's mostly a matter of time now.  Time and pressing on.

I don't know how helpful I would be in terms of being someone to talk to for others, but all the same my inbox is always open too.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Dec 20, 2015)

@Magpie my sincerest apologies for your loss of your sister and all that you've been through.


----------



## Wildchild (Dec 20, 2015)

Been diagnosed with complex PTSD because of multiple episodes of abuse and interpersonal trauma during childhood and early adulthood.

I have more dissociation symptoms rather than acute stress symptoms but will occasionally have nightmares and terrors but don't generally get triggered or have nightmares.

Has anyone had experience with EMDR? I'm currently having EMDR therapy, and all though my dissociation has improved, I think it's more due to life circumstances improving, rather than having an effect.


----------



## AN/ALR56 (Dec 20, 2015)

Wow,i have no words,i hope i never have this and i hope you all can forget and heal and move on,no one deserves to suffer this.


----------



## Surfacescum (Jan 9, 2016)

Not sure how I missed this thread.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in May after a really traumatic hospital stay in April that left me near-dead.  I was given a medication in an ER due to a supposed UTI, but my entire GI tract wound up shutting down for a solid two months.  The experience was pretty painful, as I remember it, with invasive procedures, tubes, and was not allowed morphine or any type of painkiller.  I dehydrated twice, had two ER visits, a hospital stay, and had home IV fluids, after which I was given a medication that gave me suicidal tendencies and hand tremors.  I ate baby food for a three months after that, and the first hint of nausea now just spins me into a total meltdown and flashback.

My issue wasn't so much with the panic attacks as much as I felt really, really alone those first couple of months after being diagnosed.  While other sufferers were sympathetic, there were a handful who insisted PTSD doesn't exist and/or could not manifest after medical trauma, so even though I had the papers and diagnosis code that said otherwise, it took a while for me to accept that my version of PTSD or my experiences that caused it were any more or less than anyone else's.

I'm fortunate I have really good friends and a good mental health team now.


----------



## Tokitae (Jan 10, 2016)

Wildchild said:


> Been diagnosed with complex PTSD because of multiple episodes of abuse and interpersonal trauma during childhood and early adulthood.
> 
> I have more dissociation symptoms rather than acute stress symptoms but will occasionally have nightmares and terrors but don't generally get triggered or have nightmares.
> 
> Has anyone had experience with EMDR? I'm currently having EMDR therapy, and all though my dissociation has improved, I think it's more due to life circumstances improving, rather than having an effect.



I've heard of it but never had it personally. My doctor suggested light therapy (I think it's similar?) which is evidently very effective for some people. I couldn't afford the light box at the time, but he mentioned that for a lot of people, spending time in direct sunlight before noon for half an hour or so has a similar, subtle effect long-term. It did help when I was doing it, but I guess that might have also been going outdoors and being in fresh air.

My symptoms are generally more dissociative too, so if you find it helpful perhaps I'll look into it myself! It sounds really interesting.


----------



## lemongrab (Jan 31, 2016)

Hey everyone, my SO recently found that weighed blankets can help with ptsd symptoms. They cost about 120usd, and more for the ones with glass beads.

I've been having a few episodes this past week and my SO was reading about it a few days ago.. figured I post about it to let you guys know. Be well, and keep up the good fight <3


----------



## Flamesoul the Diabolical (Feb 8, 2016)

I think I might have some form of PTSD that stems from (possible???) sexual contact with my older cousin when I was about 6 or 7. I blocked that memory out and I don't know if he did anything else or what in the years since... I only suspect this because he tried preying on me when I was 16. Thankfully I've had no contact with him since then.
The symptoms are somewhat mild, I feel extremely vulnerable about my body and afraid of being touched sexually. It only happens once every other week but it's a terrible experience every time.


----------



## KatsuKitty (Feb 8, 2016)

This is a little-known katsufact but I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD over traumatic, severe daily bullying from middle and high school. I remember specifiacally telling my therapist how the hallway felt like a war zone and at one point, I didn't feel like I could walk down it without getting physically assaulted or having things thrown at me. Now, I dunno if I really buy it or not since it doesn't have much of an impact on my life, but that was a professional opinion from some time ago.

At worst, I can't stomach crowds, and have had a few anxiety incidents in public places that were extraordinarily busy. I also have absolutely no patience for bullshit people may give me and have been _ahem_ "asked to leave" a restaurant along with a man I got into a fight with once. So that probably has something to do with it, too. Just can't stand or trust strangers, especially a lot of them.


----------



## autisticdragonkin (Mar 28, 2016)

I think I might have (mild) C-PTSD from my experiences in the special education system


----------



## Zoobles (Apr 4, 2016)

I got PTSD from a drug overdose 4 years ago. I stopped drinking and doing drugs the next day and have been clean ever since =]


----------



## autisticdragonkin (Apr 4, 2016)

about:blank said:


> I got PTSD from a drug overdose 4 years ago. I stopped drinking and doing drugs the next day and have been clean ever since =]


I never realized that overdoses could give PTSD


----------



## norrington (Apr 4, 2016)

autisticdragonkin said:


> I never realized that overdoses could give PTSD


I've always been of the impression that PTSD comes in some way from a subconsciously perceived threat of a total loss of control over your personal safety, situations where the human brain can't rationally conceive of the danger at hand, so I'd imagine an overdose can end with PTSD just like any other near-death experience can in the right context.


----------



## Zoobles (Apr 5, 2016)

autisticdragonkin said:


> I never realized that overdoses could give PTSD


@norrington explained it very well. I get some moderate episodes of PTSD when unexpected representations of heavy drug use pop up in films and TV. I flash back to the night of my OD from mixing drugs and vividly recall the unexplainable horror from when I believed I was about to die and was too incapacitated to dial 911.


----------



## Eldritch (Apr 8, 2016)

My mom and dad both have PTSD.
My dad's is a combination of abuse as a child and war. He doesn't like flying,having survived a helicopter crash in desert storm, or being harshly criticized, since he's already dealt with that enough through his childhood and career. I remember once when I was younger he really poured out some feelings about the war and how his father pushed him into being in the military with his heroic vietnam war stories. (we now know he never went to vietnam) He somewhat implied that he may have killed someone in a firefight, but he was overall vague about it. 
He hasn't had many episodes that I know of. One when a plane he was on took off, one when a member of a veteran bikers club he's in hazed him as a new guy, and a minor freakout at a bucket on the side of the road. (he swerved away from it a little, instinctively thinking it was an IED) He's also a little irritable in general, but still great to spend time with.

I can't say I have as much to say about my mom's. Her mother was kind of a nutjob and married a string of sociopathic low-lifes who abused her and her siblings. I've never heard of her having flashbacks, but I think she might have some suppressed memories and deals with anxiety and depression. She's also become very critical of religion, since her parents used it to justify the abuse. She's been managing very well as of late.


----------



## Martin Van Buren (Apr 17, 2016)

I feel like I have a mild case of PTSD due to medical trauma. I survived a sudden event that kills one in four and in those who died, it was only diagnosed in an autopsy. Lying in my hospital bed for three days with that statistic hanging over my head was pretty fucked up. I've turned my life around since that but I'll never be back to 100%.

Having it happen once can make you more prone for another occurrence so I get a minor panic attack every time I experience a symptom. It was pretty bad in the first few months after it happened and I went to the ER a couple of times to ensure that I was okay. The treatment was horrible and I have flashbacks every time I see the name of a particular drug that put me through hell for a few weeks.

I don't think it'll ever go away and I just discovered that something that I've been experiencing that I never connected to the event is residual damage. I never really got the term 'new normal' until just now and it has me wondering if there's anything else that I haven't noticed like how I'm currently having trouble sleeping.

PTSD was always something I used to associate with combat and abuse which is why I'm having a hard time accepting this because come on, medical trauma? I didn't die but could have easily died. It could reoccur anytime randomly and if I'm unlucky, I'll be dead before I can even get to a hospital.

Typing out all of this was hard but it feels a bit better with it off my shoulders, you know?


----------



## DirkBloodStormKing (Apr 20, 2016)

Martin Van Buren said:


> I feel like I have a mild case of PTSD due to medical trauma. I survived a sudden event that kills one in four and in those who died, it was only diagnosed in an autopsy. Lying in my hospital bed for three days with that statistic hanging over my head was pretty fucked up. I've turned my life around since that but I'll never be back to 100%.
> 
> Having it happen once can make you more prone for another occurrence so I get a minor panic attack every time I experience a symptom. It was pretty bad in the first few months after it happened and I went to the ER a couple of times to ensure that I was okay. The treatment was horrible and I have flashbacks every time I see the name of a particular drug that put me through hell for a few weeks.
> 
> ...


What was that event? I hope this question doesn't trigger you or anything.


----------



## Martin Van Buren (Apr 20, 2016)

DirkBloodStormKing said:


> What was that event? I hope this question doesn't trigger you or anything.



PMed. I kept it vague to avoid being doxxed but I don't mind talking about it in PMs if anybody else is interested.


----------



## AnimuGinger (Apr 21, 2016)

Working in healthcare fucked me up. Some rooms just don't sit right with me anymore, and keep me on edge the entire time I'm in there.


----------



## bearycool (Apr 23, 2016)

>sees golgo made the thread.
>must resist urge to troll
> ;_;

I say the three months I was in retail did it for me. I'm not saying I have mega PTSD and should be special, but it touched me and humble me to a point that I respect retail workers, but at the same time I become depressed and get anxious when I'm in a store too long. It's like I "feel" the energy of the place a bit too deeply, and it just feels like absolute shit. I tend to order stuff online and restrict myself to buying food at the super market because of how much it makes me feel so awful.

Tl;dr: the way people are treated in retail is shit.


----------



## Scratch This Nut (Apr 23, 2016)

I don't have PTSD, but I have been dealing with anxiety disorder.  I'm kind of a huge mess.  I don't want to get into all of this disability shit, but high school was the fucking worst. I was incredibly shy and was sexually harassed during my sophomore year and teased the rest of it.  My class was a pretty notorious one.  I'm still not that comfortable with sex. My boyfriend is the best and is really understanding. Wouldn't trade him for anyone.


----------



## Load Bearing Drywall (May 13, 2016)

I have Complex PTSD diagnosed by a professional (it's a legit diagnosis over here, ICD-10 has slightly different criteria than the DSM IV TR/V).

Not going to go too much into it, but I had a very rough childhood with an abusive alcoholic father, nasty bullying at school, and I was raped in college. It took over a decade and luck of the draw before I got a case worker and therapist who figured out what was really going on (both did a lot of work with refugees and picked up on my behavioral cues immediately). I'd been going on and off to therapy since I was in grade school and my mom suspected I was being molested, each time I got a different diagnosis but nothing really helped.

I'd been having flashback and dissociative episodes as far back as I could remember, but I had no idea that that's what they were since the pop culture representations of that stuff is so combat-veteran based (especially in American media, which we get a lot of) that I never put the pieces together.

Now I'm 3 years into regular therapy, including using ACT and EMDR and I'm getting _better. _I can recognise my triggers, and instead of almost daily flashbacks and dissociative episodes, I get one every few months. I'll be "graduating" regular therapy this fall. Not sure of when I'll stop taking SSRIs, but we've even been able to lower my dose.

I just want everyone reading this to know, if you or a loved one has PTSD or the symptoms, therapy works. You can get better. It's not easy (EMDR or any other exposure therapy will make things worse in the short run) but it's worth it.


----------



## Tokitae (May 13, 2016)

Load Bearing Drywall said:


> I have Complex PTSD diagnosed by a professional (it's a legit diagnosis over here, ICD-10 has slightly different criteria than the DSM IV TR/V).
> 
> Not going to go too much into it, but I had a very rough childhood with an abusive alcoholic father, nasty bullying at school, and I was raped in college. It took over a decade and luck of the draw before I got a case worker and therapist who figured out what was really going on (both did a lot of work with refugees and picked up on my behavioral cues immediately). I'd been going on and off to therapy since I was in grade school and my mom suspected I was being molested, each time I got a different diagnosis but nothing really helped.
> 
> ...



It's true that a lot of PTSD stereotypes are centered around veteran things and while that is obviously awful and on a different level to a lot of things, a lot of people who have PTSD over more commonplace things don't always realise it for that reason. It took me a long time to accept I had the "right" to be traumatised by anything that had happened to me, even when it had been affecting my life for just as long.

It's so great when you find treatment that lets you get back some control of your life, and it sounds like you're on an amazing path... I'm really happy for you!


----------



## Kelpy Goyim (Oct 20, 2019)

I havent been diagnosed but in 2011 I had just turned 20 and was a 5 year heroin addict with absolutely no sense of others safety or well being. Just a junkie shit from the suburbs. I had been clean for a month and employed for 1 week when so and so and such and such happened and i went right back to the kneedle. 2 days later, omw to an NA meeting I fell asleep behind the wheel and took the life of an innocent victim by way of head on collision. i woke up for a moment in the air, upside down i believe, then it was black. then i was being pulled up out through the drivers side window of my vehicle which had rolled probably 20 times and down the side of a hill near some woods, id estimate 50 yards away from the road, by a witness. as soon as i realized what id done i ran back up towards the victims vehicle and was willing to try to do anything i could to help. this was clearly misguided aswell as dangerous but in my state its all that made sense. i was quickly restrained and taken to a hospital, then released the next day with relatively minor injuries. the detectives called, i had my father take me to the local police station, and 6 years later i was released from prison and sent back home. didnt seem fair and still doesnt, how can i ask for help when im literally the cause of the OPs affliction?  No pitty parties here, but its been almost 3 years since my release and things have only grown harder, yet do i even deserve to mention such a thing?


----------



## yasscat (Oct 23, 2019)

Kelpy Goyim said:


> I havent been diagnosed but in 2011 I had just turned 20 and was a 5 year heroin addict with absolutely no sense of others safety or well being. Just a junkie shit from the suburbs. I had been clean for a month and employed for 1 week when so and so and such and such happened and i went right back to the kneedle. 2 days later, omw to an NA meeting I fell asleep behind the wheel and took the life of an innocent victim by way of head on collision. i woke up for a moment in the air, upside down i believe, then it was black. then i was being pulled up out through the drivers side window of my vehicle which had rolled probably 20 times and down the side of a hill near some woods, id estimate 50 yards away from the road, by a witness. as soon as i realized what id done i ran back up towards the victims vehicle and was willing to try to do anything i could to help. this was clearly misguided aswell as dangerous but in my state its all that made sense. i was quickly restrained and taken to a hospital, then released the next day with relatively minor injuries. the detectives called, i had my father take me to the local police station, and 6 years later i was released from prison and sent back home. didnt seem fair and still doesnt, how can i ask for help when im literally the cause of the OPs affliction?  No pitty parties here, but its been almost 3 years since my release and things have only grown harder, yet do i even deserve to mention such a thing?


...um


----------



## Kelpy Goyim (Oct 26, 2019)

yasscat said:


> ...um


Probably right.  Not sure why I picked the forum to talk about it.


----------



## queerape (Nov 8, 2019)

I've had PTSD since 2009; while my symptoms have been well managed since 2009, years 2009-2015ish were horrid. I had no regular sleeping pattern, was afraid to fall asleep from nightmares, would start panicking and running in certain situations, and all people did was belittle it.


----------



## Manah (Nov 9, 2019)

Kelpy Goyim said:


> Probably right.  Not sure why I picked the forum to talk about it.



I think he's more wondering about where the hell you found this 4 year old thread.


----------



## yasscat (Nov 9, 2019)

Manah said:


> I think he's more wondering about where the hell you found this 4 year old thread.


She. And there were a lot of reasons for my "uhh." But that was one of them, yes.


----------



## Kelpy Goyim (Nov 25, 2019)

yasscat said:


> She. And there were a lot of reasons for my "uhh." But that was one of them, yes.


Its actually the typical response. I think these cases kind of highlight just how randomly cruel  life events can be and their lasting effects. This being how, but more to why I found this 4 year old thread. Maybe I needed to. Also, its just about physically impossible for me to speak of it anywhere but a semi anonymous forum.


----------



## L50LasPak (Nov 25, 2019)

My biggest mistake with PTSD was not recognizing it right away. I have suffered depression for much of my life and when my traumatic event happened, at first nothing appeared to be different. I went through a mourning period and it kept me up at night for a little while of course, but those symptoms went away and I returned to my normal routine.

However, over the course of two and a half years or so, the symptoms crept up on me. I because quieter, less talkative, withdrawn and began to drink heavily. I began sleeping less and experiencing nervous attacks and paranoid episodes. I also became a more enraged person, impatient, with a shorter temper and one by one my miserable personality and drunken behavior caused my friends to slowly abandon me. I've progressed to full blown PTSD now where I have sobbing fits over nothing, sleep only in short bursts, hate interacting with other people in general, spend long periods of time staring off into space and I feel the need to keep my home dark. Accomplishing even mundane tasks is excutiating, and over the years I've lost several decent jobs by getting enraged at the managment and quitting over stupid things.

I tell you this story as a precautionary tale, because, I reiterate, my biggest mistake was ignoring the symptoms. This was a slow, creeping illness where the symptoms developed in gentle, incremental forms. I didn't just have a mental breakdown and wake up as a worthless mess one day.

My best advice if you experience a traumatic event is not to wait to seek therapy. In the beginning, I felt normal and just chalked up the smaller symptoms to my ongoing depression. Take action the moment you notice your personality begin to change. If you're not careful, you'll mutate into a raging, cynical asshole or fragile, crying mess that collapses over minor inconvieniences. Or, god forbid, develop a drug abuse problem. These are generally the kinds of personalities that most people do not want to be around, and having supportive friends and family is the most important thing in dealing with PTSD. Its really easy to fuck yourself over if you wait too long.


----------



## queerape (Dec 8, 2019)

L50LasPak said:


> My biggest mistake with PTSD was not recognizing it right away. I have suffered depression for much of my life and when my traumatic event happened, at first nothing appeared to be different. I went through a mourning period and it kept me up at night for a little while of course, but those symptoms went away and I returned to my normal routine.
> 
> However, over the course of two and a half years or so, the symptoms crept up on me. I because quieter, less talkative, withdrawn and began to drink heavily. I began sleeping less and experiencing nervous attacks and paranoid episodes. I also became a more enraged person, impatient, with a shorter temper and one by one my miserable personality and drunken behavior caused my friends to slowly abandon me. I've progressed to full blown PTSD now where I have sobbing fits over nothing, sleep only in short bursts, hate interacting with other people in general, spend long periods of time staring off into space and I feel the need to keep my home dark. Accomplishing even mundane tasks is excutiating, and over the years I've lost several decent jobs by getting enraged at the managment and quitting over stupid things.
> 
> ...


I was in a similar boat myself. I wasn't diagnosed until age 19 because no one understood a 14 or 15 year old could have PTSD


----------



## L50LasPak (Dec 8, 2019)

queerape said:


> I was in a similar boat myself. I wasn't diagnosed until age 19 because no one understood a 14 or 15 year old could have PTSD



One undeniably good thing about the whole millenial "coddled generation" older people complain endlessly about is that this sort of thing has started to become recognized earlier. Hope its not too late for you partner, certainly was for a bunch of people I grew up with.

Mine was my own fault though. I didn't pay attention, I didn't think anything was wrong, and I drowned the symptoms in booze until they were overwhelming. I have nobody here to blame but myself.


----------



## queerape (Dec 8, 2019)

L50LasPak said:


> ine was my own fault though. I didn't pay attention, I didn't think anything was wrong, and I drowned the symptoms in booze until they were overwhelming. I have nobody here to blame but myself.


I did the same, i drank and smoked (I quit smoking now and cut back on drinking) and did dumb shit as a cry for help that I was not ok, but no one took heed, and just assumed I was being a rebellious teenager. I very clearly had PTSD symptoms, and vocalized it, and all people did was minimize my concerns and say I was too young to have PTSD.

Here's to you friend, hopefully you feel better soon


----------



## Have a Better Day (Dec 13, 2019)

These replies are powerful reads. I'm glad to see that I am not alone in my experiences on this forum.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after extremely traumatic incidents in my early teenage years, which left me with even more issues than I already had. My depressive symptoms were already present and I was already anxious, but both of those got incredibly bad quickly, especially after the second traumatic incident, which unfortunately ended with me in the ER hanging onto life.

The one thing I regret very much is not reaching out for help as soon as the first incident occurred. I'm not even near recovered from everything, I'm still battling hard with my "triggers" and the illnesses that were brought on by it, but slowly I'm getting better with my therapist. I honestly think that if I did this sooner, the second incident wouldn't have happened, or at least in the same way it did.

One problem I had when I was this young was the way I was treated a lot of the time by both my family and some medical practitioners, as I have had multiple people in my life talk down to me/make fun/purposefully trigger me, including doctors, job managers, school mates, (ex)friends, and even family. Some of the adults in my life didn't understand that someone at 13 or 14 could have this illness, others compared it to their (arguably worse) experiences and told me to suck it up because I was that age. It was even harder to deal with because during that time my whole world within myself was flipped on its head with inner discoveries that confused me to no end. I still deal with that now. But I keep my head up through coping mechanisms and try my absolute best to understand that they do not.


----------



## L50LasPak (Dec 13, 2019)

Have a Better Day said:


> The one thing I regret very much is not reaching out for help as soon as the first incident occurred. I'm not even near recovered from everything, I'm still battling hard with my "triggers" and the illnesses that were brought on by it, but slowly I'm getting better with my therapist. I honestly think that if I did this sooner, the second incident wouldn't have happened, or at least in the same way it did.



This is perhaps my own vocabulary and experiences coloring my vision. But I've found "triggers" don't function the same way for me. Its more like the things that used to make me happy that bother me, despite being unrelated. However, for instance, jokes about my incident I find hilarious, to the point where I laugh like a lunatic at them and find them to be of great relief. What a damned complication, I don't want this to become a Tumblr thread, but son of a bitch this shit is annoying in the way it acts up.


----------



## Have a Better Day (Dec 16, 2019)

L50LasPak said:


> This is perhaps my own vocabulary and experiences coloring my vision. But I've found "triggers" don't function the same way for me. Its more like the things that used to make me happy that bother me, despite being unrelated. However, for instance, jokes about my incident I find hilarious, to the point where I laugh like a lunatic at them and find them to be of great relief. What a damned complication, I don't want this to become a Tumblr thread, but son of a bitch this shit is annoying in the way it acts up.


"Triggers" can work in mysterious ways sometimes. I feel like I already had/have some sort of another emotional problem (like learning difficulty related I guess is the way to describe it?), which is why they affect me so weirdly, and badly. 

Sidenote and kind of tangent, I wish people would stop using the word "trigger" so freely. I am trying to search for another word because describing the things that send me into flashbacks or similar troubles as "triggers" just feels... like I'm discrediting myself because of the popular use of the word. If that makes sense. Idk.


----------



## L50LasPak (Dec 16, 2019)

Have a Better Day said:


> "Triggers" can work in mysterious ways sometimes. I feel like I already had/have some sort of another emotional problem (like learning difficulty related I guess is the way to describe it?), which is why they affect me so weirdly, and badly.
> 
> Sidenote and kind of tangent, I wish people would stop using the word "trigger" so freely. I am trying to search for another word because describing the things that send me into flashbacks or similar troubles as "triggers" just feels... like I'm discrediting myself because of the popular use of the word. If that makes sense. Idk.



Makes perfect sense to me actually. I despised it from the beginning because I was a big Starcraft fan and the term "Trigger" in that game meant a precise action that had to occur to make the AI do something in Staredit. So natrually I became a little bitter when I would use the term later and people would think I was talking about either "triggers" (in SJW circles) or "LOL TRIGGERED" (in more right-leaning circles). Petty I know, but hopefully that pettiness adds a little bit of levity to this thread.

Given the origins of things like "kek" (I shit you not, originally dervied from the noise the Zergling unit makes) I would actually not be surprised at all if "trigger" was popularized due to this association. That's just my pure speculation though, I have nothing to back that claim up.

Back to the topic though, your point of potentially having a pre-existing condition is probably part of how this fucking curse actually works. Because some people see awful, nightmarish shit and they're just _fine_ afterwards, zero fucks given. But some people see like one horrible thing in their life and they collapse. There's defintely some set of conditions that predisposes you to PTSD that aren't just "not being a psychopath".


----------



## Spl00gies (Dec 16, 2019)

_-hugs thread-_
Without powerlevelling, C-PTSD/PTSD is incredibly tough to deal with. Keep on keeping on, butties.


----------



## tantric_depressive (Dec 16, 2019)

Kelpy Goyim said:


> I havent been diagnosed but in 2011 I had just turned 20 and was a 5 year heroin addict with absolutely no sense of others safety or well being. Just a junkie shit from the suburbs. I had been clean for a month and employed for 1 week when so and so and such and such happened and i went right back to the kneedle. 2 days later, omw to an NA meeting I fell asleep behind the wheel and took the life of an innocent victim by way of head on collision. i woke up for a moment in the air, upside down i believe, then it was black. then i was being pulled up out through the drivers side window of my vehicle which had rolled probably 20 times and down the side of a hill near some woods, id estimate 50 yards away from the road, by a witness. as soon as i realized what id done i ran back up towards the victims vehicle and was willing to try to do anything i could to help. this was clearly misguided aswell as dangerous but in my state its all that made sense. i was quickly restrained and taken to a hospital, then released the next day with relatively minor injuries. the detectives called, i had my father take me to the local police station, and 6 years later i was released from prison and sent back home. didnt seem fair and still doesnt, how can i ask for help when im literally the cause of the OPs affliction?  No pitty parties here, but its been almost 3 years since my release and things have only grown harder, yet do i even deserve to mention such a thing?


My ex sister-in-law committed vehicular homicide 20 years ago when she nodded out on dope behind the wheel and took out another car, a lot like you.
What's not like you is that she's never shown a bit of remorse, signs of feeling bad about it, or expressed a single thought towards the person she killed except for when it helped her get parole. She's done nothing but duck personal responsibility and continue to do drugs, do bids, and miss out on her own daughter's life.
If it helps any, I'd say you're much better of a person, just due to the fact that you feel remorse, still take responsibility, and think of your victim.


----------



## L50LasPak (Dec 16, 2019)

tantric_depressive said:


> My ex sister-in-law committed vehicular homicide 20 years ago when she nodded out on dope behind the wheel and took out another car, a lot like you.
> What's not like you is that she's never shown a bit of remorse, signs of feeling bad about it, or expressed a single thought towards the person she killed except for when it helped her get parole. She's done nothing but duck personal responsibility and continue to do drugs, do bids, and miss out on her own daughter's life.
> If it helps any, I'd say you're much better of a person, just due to the fact that you feel remorse, still take responsibility, and think of your victim.



How the fuck do _you_ deal with that?
Where do they sell it?


----------



## Kelpy Goyim (Dec 23, 2019)

L50LasPak said:


> How the fuck do _you_ deal with that?
> Where do they sell it?


Idk to be honest, pretty much deals with me most of the time but I suppose talking about it and just admitting to myself and others that I actually did it has been somewhat cathartic.


----------



## Bluey (Dec 25, 2019)

I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple years ago due to the emotional and verbal abuse I endured growing up and in my school years.  I do have some close online friends that I vent to when I feel trapped in my life.  I do hope everyone pulls through, though.


----------



## ScamL Likely (Dec 25, 2019)

Like the OP, I too used to be an EMT, among other things, have dealt with things like amputees, cadavers, dying patients, &c., and have certain issues, but I wouldn't call them PTSD in my case. I've just had a somewhat shitty life in general and coped with it in maladaptive ways. I sometimes have paranoid thoughts, delusions, and the occasional hallucination, but can tell the difference between these things and reality these days without anyone else having to point it out.

Seeing what psychiatric care is like from both sides pretty much depleted my faith in it even though I used to want to be a shrink when I was younger, so I don't bother with therapy or medications. The way I see it, unless you're so impaired by whatever you have that you can't do things like getting out of bed in the morning or not killing yourself without psych meds, it's best to avoid therapists and psychiatrists because they pretty much always try to push pills on you and the pills do more harm than good unless you're genuinely in a state where they're essential to your day-to-day survival, which some people are.


----------



## snailslime (Dec 25, 2019)

no but occasionally i get this really strange type of anxiety


----------



## L50LasPak (Dec 26, 2019)

ScamL Likely said:


> Seeing what psychiatric care is like from both sides pretty much depleted my faith in it even though I used to want to be a shrink when I was younger, so I don't bother with therapy or medications. The way I see it, unless you're so impaired by whatever you have that you can't do things like getting out of bed in the morning or not killing yourself without psych meds, it's best to avoid therapists and psychiatrists because they pretty much always try to push pills on you and the pills do more harm than good unless you're genuinely in a state where they're essential to your day-to-day survival, which some people are.



I have no experience in psychiatric education but from what little I've read of their own studies and paperwork I have to admit I feel the same way. I'm not gonna pretend I'm some genius who figured the whole system out on his own by just flipping through the pages but, to put it diplomatically; it kind of doesn't take a genius to figure it out. 

Now, its not the lurid holocaust certain paranoid people seem to be under the impression it is, but yeah, the system is a blundering mess. I'd use the word "disaster" but even someone like me feels that's a bit too cynical. Though depending on which country you live in perhaps disaster is a more appropriate word for it, I only know about the US/UK systems so I have no idea how they handle it in some random place like, I dunno, Serbia or whatever. Definitely a lot of shooting at pidgeons in the dark with few pidgeons to shoot at no matter where you are or what you have.


----------



## Rafal Gan Ganowicz (Dec 26, 2019)

Thanks for posting this thread. I've got it too, due to military service compounded by seriously bad case of narcissistic /judicial-proxy  abuse from a skinwalker who very nearly had me neck it and also murdered the lovely doggo in my avatar. Starting equine therapy through a Vets' charity  mid Jan. Will let you guys know  if it's of any value


----------



## mr.moon1488 (Dec 26, 2019)

snailslime said:


> no but occasionally i get this really strange type of anxiety


Something I've found that helps with anxiety attacks is to stop for a second, think about why you're feeling anxious, and then think of how little it normally really matters. 

If you're having anxiety attacks regularly, doing guided meditation every so often can help.







ScamL Likely said:


> Like the OP, I too used to be an EMT, among other things, have dealt with things like amputees, cadavers, dying patients, &c., and have certain issues, but I wouldn't call them PTSD in my case. I've just had a somewhat shitty life in general and coped with it in maladaptive ways. I sometimes have paranoid thoughts, delusions, and the occasional hallucination, but can tell the difference between these things and reality these days without anyone else having to point it out.
> 
> Seeing what psychiatric care is like from both sides pretty much depleted my faith in it even though I used to want to be a shrink when I was younger, so I don't bother with therapy or medications. The way I see it, unless you're so impaired by whatever you have that you can't do things like getting out of bed in the morning or not killing yourself without psych meds, it's best to avoid therapists and psychiatrists because they pretty much always try to push pills on you and the pills do more harm than good unless you're genuinely in a state where they're essential to your day-to-day survival, which some people are.


The psychological community is trying to move away from just sending people to the psychiatrists, and then popping them full of pills now thankfully.  Some things you kinda have to do it with though (e.g. schizophrenia, most cases of bi-polar disorder).  There are some cases of PTSD where anxiolytic drugs are needed, but they're trying to move away from addictive variants of these.


----------



## L50LasPak (Dec 26, 2019)

mr.moon1488 said:


> There are some cases of PTSD where anxiolytic drugs are needed, but they're trying to move away from addictive variants of these.



I'm probably stating the obvious like a dumbass here, but its frustrating how this adds one more layer of complication to this whole thing. Often "non-addictive" is a euphemism for "very, very, very weak and probably useless". Of course at the same time I don't want things to spiral out of control and end up having to stick a needle in my arm just to get some relief for a few hours but at the same time is makes it much harder to find something that actually affects your brain.

Worst cases are probably former drug addicts and crack babies who are immune to literally everything but the hardest stuff possible and for obvious reasons also end up getting diagnosed with PTSD somewhere down the line.

There's some kind of weird experiments going on using MDMA along with cognitive therapy at the same time (literally you trip and re-live the experience from a new perspective while the therapist talks it out with you) that are... interesting to say the least. I'm not certain this one's gonna work but at least someone cares enough to try more creative solutions. I read that paper years ago though; it may have already failed. I'll have to look up the new research on it, if there is any.



mr.moon1488 said:


> If you're having anxiety attacks regularly, doing guided meditation every so often can help.



This seems to work for _a lot _(far more than I ever thought possible) of people so I'm going to do my best not to be negative towards this suggestion but I find not having anything to actively occupy my mind is when its at its worst. To anyone out there; if you try this once or twice and find yourself feeling substantially worse you might be stuck in my category.


----------



## mr.moon1488 (Dec 29, 2019)

L50LasPak said:


> I'm probably stating the obvious like a dumbass here, but its frustrating how this adds one more layer of complication to this whole thing. Often "non-addictive" is a euphemism for "very, very, very weak and probably useless". Of course at the same time I don't want things to spiral out of control and end up having to stick a needle in my arm just to get some relief for a few hours but at the same time is makes it much harder to find something that actually affects your brain.
> 
> Worst cases are probably former drug addicts and crack babies who are immune to literally everything but the hardest stuff possible and for obvious reasons also end up getting diagnosed with PTSD somewhere down the line.
> 
> ...


Certain things just do not work for some people, and there's nothing wrong with that.  It would be like asking a master blacksmith to work with a carpenters' plane.  He won't even know the beginnings of how to use it, but  this doesn't change the fact that he is a master of his trade.  As for the bigger macro issue of " I find not having anything to actively occupy my mind is when its at its worst," there is one simple solution to this problem, which is difficult, but once you realize it, you'll feel foolish for having not realized it sooner.  You are in complete control of your own mind.  What do you want to occupy your mind with?  It doesn't matter what it is, you can make it so with enough willpower.  It sounds like an oversimplification, but it's both the honest truth, and empowering when you realize it.  You are in complete control of yourself.  Everything within you is meaningless unless you will it to have meaning.


----------



## L50LasPak (Dec 29, 2019)

mr.moon1488 said:


> You are in complete control of your own mind.



You state this point pretty strongly and repeat it creatively a few times throughout your post but I'll be honest and say I don't exactly much feel in control of anything right now. Which is probably not an uncommon feeling for people suffering this condition; but I will concede that perhaps that points to some worse/different issue such as schizophrenia.

Another difficulty in trying to logic your way out of your own condition like this is that PTSD is often comorbid with or can even activate other conditions. Sometimes quite spectacularly. I know I keep blowing the neurology trumpet but they're the cavalry I'm really waiting on in this battle.


----------

