# My bodypillow wants to marry me, should I do it?



## Nathan Higgers (Apr 21, 2021)

So my bodypillow gave me the ultimatum today. She said I should buy her a ring and marry her or else.

On the one hand, she's so pretty and I have had the best of times with her, on the other hand, I am a rational, logical and high T male with desires that a bodypillow may not be able to fulfill. For instance, I have tried several times to talk to my bodypillow about atheism and other rational, scientific ideas, but she has largely been unresponsive and I can't help but feel like she only wants me for my (admittedly a tiny bit out of shape) body.

Should I do it, KiwiFarms?


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## Vingle (Apr 21, 2021)

Sure, go on. Remember to stream the ceremony to your wholesome gang here at KF 

Edit: Don't concern yourself with the unresponsiveness. You would want to kill yourself if she was talking. Imaging the bitching your whole life.


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## The Real SVP (Apr 21, 2021)

Go for it! Schizophrenia will guarantee you a lifetime of gibs.


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## Nathan Higgers (Apr 21, 2021)

Vingle said:


> Sure, go on. Remember to stream the ceremony to your wholesome gang here at KF


Well, the CDC recommends against holding ceremonies due to the pandemic, so even if I choose to do it, we won't hold a ceremony as I don't like to get infected or infect people with COVID-19 (even though I wear a mask 24/7, as should YOU btw...) .

I'm compassionate like that.


The Real SVP said:


> Go for it! Schizophrenia will guarantee you a lifetime of gibs.


Thanks for posting friend. I don't quite understand what you meant. Gibs? Like giblets? I don't own pets (my bodypillow is allergic to pets, but I think she is scared of the pets getting all my attention) so I can't feed them giblets.


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## The Real SVP (Apr 21, 2021)

Nathan Higgers said:


> Thanks for posting friend. I don't quite understand what you meant.


I am always happy to help out a friend.
If you do not like working for a living: Find out what your local unemployment or welfare agency is called and contact them. Tell them about your love and about the cotton, or whatever, stuffed nature of your future wife. They should offer you some money, for nothing in return, just for being yourself.
If they don't prove helpful:  you can call 112 or 911, anywhere in the world (even on a Warships,or a freighter,  or on the South Pole) and talk to the person who answers about how your love is, sorta, threatening you. They WILL have an open ear and do their best to help you.
*EDIT:* It has just been confirmed to me that 112 even works on the Moon and the ISS. They actually made some sort of PR effort about it working on the ISS.


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## OJ Simpson (Apr 21, 2021)

Are you a faithful man, Nate? Judging from your self-description, it seems as though you're a 10/7.9 Alpha Male. If another bodypillow walks by and gives you that cold hard stare they're known for, will you be able to overcome your Alpha Male desires?

I don't know, this is a tough call. You could just continue being a Chad and have multiple bodypillow hotties. Not like your current one is going to say shit about it.


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## The Real SVP (Apr 21, 2021)

OJ Simpson said:


> Are you a faithful man, Nate? Judging from your self-description, it seems as though you're a 10/7.9 Alpha Male. If another bodypillow walks by and gives you that cold hard stare they're known for, will you be able to overcome your Alpha Male desires?
> 
> I don't know, this is a tough call. You could just continue being a Chad and have multiple bodypillow hotties. Not like your current one is going to say shit about it.


Would it be cheating, though? I believe one man can hold more love than a single pillow can receive. Maybe a man who constrains himself to loving a single pillow would ultimately end up cheating himself.


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## Penis Drager (Apr 21, 2021)

If she's not a virgin then GTFO!
Yes, that includes sex with you. Women who do premarital sex are never wife material.


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## Nathan Higgers (Apr 21, 2021)

The Real SVP said:


> I am always happy to help out a friend.
> If you do not like working for a living: Find out what your local unemployment or welfare agency is called and contact them. Tell them about your love and about the cotton, or whatever, stuffed nature of your future wife. They should offer you some money, for nothing in return, just for being yourself.
> If they don't prove helpful:  you can call 112 or 911, anywhere in the world (even on a Warships,or a freighter,  or on the South Pole) and talk to the person who answers about how your love is, sorta, threatening you. They WILL have an open ear and do their best to help you.
> *EDIT:* It has just been confirmed to me that 112 even works on the Moon and the ISS. They actually made some sort of PR effort about it working on the ISS.


Oh okay. I do have a full time job: I moderate a couple of subreddits and discord servers. As you can tell, having such a high stress job compels me to seek a calm and relaxed homelife. But if I get laid off, I'll definitely check out the options you suggested!


OJ Simpson said:


> Are you a faithful man, Nate? Judging from your self-description, it seems as though you're a 10/7.9 Alpha Male. If another bodypillow walks by and gives you that cold hard stare they're known for, will you be able to overcome your Alpha Male desires?
> 
> I don't know, this is a tough call. You could just continue being a Chad and have multiple bodypillow hotties. Not like your current one is going to say shit about it.


Yes, I am a faithful man. I have faith in science. You seem to have nailed me and my personality down perfectly... However, your comment that my current bodypillow is "(not) going to say shit about it" shows that you have little experience dealing with the bodypillow brain. Under no circumstances should you underestimate bodypillows; sure, they look like innocent little angels, but if you cross them, they will hunt you down across the globe.

Where is that Elon Musk Fly-To-The-Mars shuttle?


The Real SVP said:


> Would it be cheating, though? I believe one man can hold more love than a single pillow can receive. Maybe a man who constrains himself to loving a single pillow would ultimately end up cheating himself.


Scientifically speaking, it is cheating. If you can't give your bodypillow all your love, perhaps your relationship was wrong in the first place.


Penis Drager said:


> If she's not a virgin then GTFO!
> Yes, that includes sex with you. Women who do premarital sex are never wife material.


Found the science denying fundie. The 90s are over, grandpa. A woman's sexual history is only her business and you do not get to ask her about it!


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## The Real SVP (Apr 21, 2021)

Penis Drager said:


> If she's not a virgin then GTFO!
> Yes, that includes sex with you. Women who do premarital sex are never wife material.


But what if you are convinced that she loves you.


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## Penis Drager (Apr 21, 2021)

Nathan Higgers said:


> A woman's sexual history is only her business and you do not get to ask her about it!


Translation:


> My pillow is a fucking whore who probably got nuts busted on her left and right back in the textile factory and I'm an irredeemable cuck for even considering putting a ring on her.


Lol, go ahead and marry her then, cuck.



The Real SVP said:


> But what if you are convinced that she loves you.


I hate to break it to you, but love is not an emotion that women experience. Disney lied to you.


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## The Real SVP (Apr 21, 2021)

Seriously, friend. If this thread does not help you, and calling 112 does neither, call 




				This private information is unavailable to guests due to policies enforced by third-parties.
			

 and ask them for help. They are good people.


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## WeWuzFinns (Apr 21, 2021)

only if it is rainbow dash dakimakura


Spoiler: incase you have no culture












						Dakimakura for Christmas
					

Cuthwald wants a Rainbow Dash body pillow for Christmas




					www.newgrounds.com


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## Nathan Higgers (Apr 21, 2021)

Penis Drager said:


> Lol, go ahead and marry her then, cuck.


Translation:


> I'm a science denying, kissless virgin incel who sleeps on the cold, hard floor, crying myself to sleep with my thumb in my mouth as I dream of living in a big house with my bodypillow wife and cushion children.


I pity you, friend.... who hurt you?


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## Penis Drager (Apr 21, 2021)

Nathan Higgers said:


> Translation:
> 
> I pity you, friend.... who hurt you?


Joke's one you! I'm a trust-fund baby. 
I can get all the bodypillows I want and just toss them out when I'm done with them. Only the purest of pillows will ever get a ring from me!


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## OJ Simpson (Apr 21, 2021)

Nate, I'm confused my friend. You say your GF has been unresponsive in your unsolicited conversations about lolatheism, is it possible that she's an undercover fundamentalist? I wouldn't want you tying the knot with a science denier. I can tell you and that sort of person just wouldn't gel. Unless the love in your heart truly is so big it can overcome such differences.


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## Nathan Higgers (Apr 21, 2021)

OJ Simpson said:


> Nate, I'm confused my friend. You say your GF has been unresponsive in your unsolicited conversations about lolatheism, is it possible that she's an undercover fundamentalist? I wouldn't want you tying the knot with a science denier. I can tell you and that sort of person just wouldn't gel. Unless the love in your heart truly is so big it can overcome such differences.


Oh no, I'd have noticed that. I have a fundar (fundie-radar), did you see how quickly I detected the fundie in this thread?

Anyway, she is an atheist, it's just that she finds no joy in deboonking and dispooting a lot of the lies the fundies spew on the internet. She has more of a "Oh just laugh at them and let them be" (sic) attitude. I like to read the posts on r/christianity out loud and deboonk their lies on the spot and since I have carpal tunnel syndrome, I ask her to type my deboonkings in the r/atheism subreddit (We used to deboonk directly on r/christianity, but we were banned. So much for the kindness and compassion Jesus preached....).

So maybe its understandable that she doesn't want to discuss atheism with me after a long day of typing what I say... I mean, it does hurt me, but relationships are about making sacrifices.


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## Jazz never died! (Apr 21, 2021)

Recomend giving a good jerk off with it getting all nice and dirty then getting all your family and friends over and marrying the pillow at your house and recording it so the internet can enjoy it and share its load i mean love.


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## Disheveled Human (Apr 21, 2021)

Nathan Higgers said:


> So my bodypillow gave me the ultimatum today. She said I should buy her a ring and marry her or else.
> 
> On the one hand, she's so pretty and I have had the best of times with her, on the other hand, I am a rational, logical and high T male with desires that a bodypillow may not be able to fulfill. For instance, I have tried several times to talk to my bodypillow about atheism and other rational, scientific ideas, but she has largely been unresponsive and I can't help but feel like she only wants me for my (admittedly a tiny bit out of shape) body.
> 
> Should I do it, KiwiFarms?


Man up and marry it.


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## Kamikaze (Apr 21, 2021)

Nathan Higgers said:


> So my bodypillow gave me the ultimatum today. She said I should buy her a ring and marry her or else.
> 
> On the one hand, she's so pretty and I have had the best of times with her, on the other hand, I am a rational, logical and high T male with desires that a bodypillow may not be able to fulfill. For instance, I have tried several times to talk to my bodypillow about atheism and other rational, scientific ideas, but she has largely been unresponsive and I can't help but feel like she only wants me for my (admittedly a tiny bit out of shape) body.
> 
> Should I do it, KiwiFarms?


Only if the pillow is vaccinated.  OTHERWISE YOUR GRANDMA WILL DIE, BIGOT.


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## Nathan Higgers (Apr 21, 2021)

So my bodypillow gave me the ultimatum today. She said I should buy her a ring and marry her or else.

On the one hand, she's so pretty and I have had the best of times with her, on the other hand, I am a rational, logical and high T male with desires that a bodypillow may not be able to fulfill. For instance, I have tried several times to talk to my bodypillow about atheism and other rational, scientific ideas, but she has largely been unresponsive and I can't help but feel like she only wants me for my (admittedly a tiny bit out of shape) body.

Should I do it, KiwiFarms?


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## Solid Snek (Apr 21, 2021)

Sure, go for it. What's the harm? Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out, and you throw her in the dumpster out back. Don't worry about her getting a lawyer, either, since no divorce court is going to side with a pillow over a Higger.

For the lack of responsiveness, have you considered sewing an Alexa into your pillow?


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## Bad Gateway (Apr 21, 2021)

I poop in your pillow


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## stares at error messages (Apr 21, 2021)

Yes, merry the pillow. There is nothing more beautiful then the love between a man and his pillow.


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## Suburban Bastard (Apr 21, 2021)

Yes, for the tax benefit.


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## Basketball Jones (Apr 21, 2021)

> For instance, I have tried several times to talk to my bodypillow about atheism and other rational, scientific ideas, but she has largely been unresponsive and I can't help but feel like she only wants me for my (admittedly a tiny bit out of shape) body.


I nominate this line for randomtxt


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## Nathan Higgers (Apr 21, 2021)

Solid Snek said:


> For the lack of responsiveness, have you considered sewing an Alexa into your pillow?


I wouldn't have Jeff Bezos devices in my house; and she is plenty responsive, thank you very much, it's just that she doesn't like to discuss atheism in length.


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## Solid Snek (Apr 21, 2021)

Nathan Higgers said:


> I wouldn't have Jeff Bezos devices in my house; and she is plenty responsive, thank you very much, it's just that she doesn't like to discuss atheism in length.


That's not so bad, though, is it? According to the Bible, a woman's place is to be seen, not heard, especially in matters pertaining to the faith ( 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 )

As the husband, _you_ have the burden to speak to _her_ about atheism, not the other way around. Surely you wouldn't want to subvert God's natural order by forcing her to formulate complex thoughts on atheism?


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## draggs (Apr 21, 2021)

Why buy the cow when the milk is free 

Some logical rationalist you are

You probably arent even atheist lol probably love you some Allahuuuuu Ackbar all day long


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## JethroTullamore (Apr 21, 2021)

I hope you and your (probably) Judy Hopps body pillow are happy together.


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## DeAtH (Jun 7, 2021)

Yes, marry the bodypillow my dude. Just make sure that she is the one for you.


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## FearsReality (Jun 7, 2021)

Yes, but is its name Chase?


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## Idiotron (Jun 7, 2021)

Don't do it.
The bitch will cheat on you, then divorce you and take all your Pokemon cards.


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## MG-34 (Jul 21, 2021)

It depends. What anime or video game waifu printed on your pillow?


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## Hmofa(g) (Jul 23, 2021)

I'm gonna steal your wife


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## Nathan Higgers (Jul 23, 2021)

Hmofa(g) said:


> I'm gonna steal your wife


Unfortunately my wife (yes we got married) spontaneously combusted (my theory). The "doctor" (a trump-supporting asshole who we had to deal with because he was the only ER doctor available at 3 AM) told me that her combustion wasn't spontaneous and she combusted because I had rolled on her during sex (we were doing inflation). Then the rude asshole proceeded to ask me about my weight and when I explained to him why it's very triggering for me to talk about my weight, he put on a shit-eating grin and said "Well your weight certainly triggered your 'wife'!" The asshole actually made those air quotes when he said wife... While I was grieving... He did the air quotes as I was mourning the gruesome death of my wife... Goddamned fundie asshole, I wanted to remind him that this is not Handmaid's Tale and we are living in 2021.... I literally had to gather all my strength not to curl up into the fetal position and cry. I just bid him a polite farewell, gave him a firm handshake and ran out of the hospital shaking and trembling....
They should never let trump voters become doctors.


MG-34 said:


> It depends. What anime or video game waifu printed on your pillow?


Lain.


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## DerKryptid (Aug 19, 2021)

Hey now, bud. Maybe you should tell your lass about the affair you've been having with your left hand


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## Sword of Autism Dance (Aug 19, 2021)

try belts necks closets


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## GorillaGhost (Apr 4, 2022)

Just be sure to let make everyone kiss the bride.


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## Retink (Apr 4, 2022)

No, here's why:

Before marriage:





After marriage:


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