# Personal Lolcows



## Judge Holden (Mar 11, 2013)

*Admin Note:*
Thread is for people or groups that are bizarre and consistently funny, but not quite a lolcow because they either aren't from the Internet or only behave around you or your friends.


Ok, this is a thread for the "minor" lolcows in our lives. People or groups who are just hilarious to play poke the bear with and whose impotent shrieking fury, melodramatic and sanctimonious self pity, or utter insanity makes our inner troll glow with happiness. What qualifies them as "personal" are that they are either so minor as to be unknown even to the internet, or so nebulous and wide as to be impossible to make a good thread out of.

Right now mine are Crazy Nationalist fuckwads. Both at home (dear god the sheer insanity of BNP supporters these days) and abroad (with argentina being my current favored foreign target because merely saying the word "Falklands" instead of malvinas can get you a thousand shrieking accusations of being an evil imperialist pirate if you leave it in the right place, and thats before we get into Belgrano Jokes) these unlovable cunts are guaranteed to respond to your tiniest poke with lengthy and hilariously pompous, jingoistic, delusional, and mastabatory speeches on how much of an evil untermench you are and how their fatherland will one day throw off it's hated quizling government and RULE THE WORLD/Control the Continent/Crush all it's enemies/Get revenge for some pathetic slight that happened centuries ago

EDIT BY @Randall Fragg
Since this thread began we've had several particularly funny tales which I have decided to include in the OP as a "Hall of Fame"


Spoiler: The Tale of Benito, by @Adamaska 






Adamska said:


> Speaking of which; more fucking storytime for Benito since... well shit happened. Thanks to @D.Va for a permalink for the earlier stories:
> Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
> Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
> Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
> ...








Spoiler: Jeffery, by @DarwinWatterson



Dramatic Reading by @TheImpotantFart


Darwin Watterson said:


> Since @TheImportantFart mentioned possibly reading them, and because there's getting to be a lot of them, here's a megapost of all the substantial Jeffrey stories thus far:
> 
> 
> Spoiler: The Introduction
> ...








Spoiler: Proctor the Butt Doctor, by [USER=5746]@TheGreatCitracett[/USER]



Dramatic Reading by @TheImpotantFart


TheGreatCitracett said:


> Here's a guy I haven't thought about in years, but was reminded of a bit ago. We'll call him Proctor the Butt Doctor for reasons that will become obvious. The first thing you'd notice was the smell. This kid stank like I didn't think was possible. Smelled like rancid meat, dog shit, cat piss, sweat and god only knows what. And it was a lingering smell. You could usually tell if he'd been someplace recently. You could walk into an empty room and just fucking gag.
> 
> He had the look of someone that had never touched water. Just looked really dry and dirty I guess. And always seemed to be wearing blue jeans and a blue denim jacket. Early in school we all just thought he must fart constantly to stink that bad. Little kids have no concept of someone who is just that filthy.
> 
> ...





TheGreatCitracett said:


> Holy shit that is amazing and I love it! Also the Proctor voice is dead on.
> It's one of those things where it takes hearing someone else do it to really remember just how Grover-y he sounded. I laughed my ass off. Also, the narration is good, but now I can't stop hearing an Englishman reciting everything I type as I type it.
> 
> Chris-chan has Christory, well here's some more Proctology for anyone interested:
> ...


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## Stratochu (Mar 11, 2013)

Pro-lifers and Sierra Club members. SO much fun to make squirm, scream and cry.


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## José Mourinho (Mar 11, 2013)

Muslims who protest against a movie called "Innocence of Muslims".


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## DykesDykesChina (Mar 11, 2013)

Anti-nuclear "environmentalists" who don't know the first thing about nuclear power, physics, electricity generation, energy etc.

Germany is currently (i.e. especially since the Fukushima accident) flooded with ecotards who scream that we must renounce nuclear power because of the imminent risk of major earthquakes and tsunamis in Europe. The most lulzy thing about these jolly folks is that they also claim they want to fight global warming. Hint: If you want to fight this, you need a lot of ultra-low carbon energy. Nuclear if the only type of ultra-low carbon energy that is sufficiently compact and reliable to power small, densely populated industrial countries like Germany. Windmills and solar power are a nice addition, but delivering below 10 W/m^2, they are, obviously, insufficient for countries like Germany. Ecotards don't (can't?) understand this.


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## spaps (Mar 11, 2013)

Mimimoize. He was just asking to get trolled.


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## darkhorse816 (Mar 11, 2013)

There's this one blogger, but I'm not going to reveal his name because he's part of a real tight-knit community that I'm also a part of.


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## random_pickle (Mar 12, 2013)

Fundie Christards, you know the ones I'm talking about.

Recoloring Tartlets, mention one thing about their "creativity" and "originality" and they will spew threats at you like the fist of an angry god.

People who equate abortion to the holocaust, jeebus these guys are everywhere.

My best friend, for being the weeaboo that I love.


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## Dig (Mar 12, 2013)

PETA.


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## An Ounce of Vagina (Mar 12, 2013)

Libertarians. Spoiled little children who want all of the benefits of citizenship and none of the responsibilities, like paying taxes and obeying laws. Honestly, they make me want to reconsider the whole universal suffrage thing.


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## cypocraphy (Mar 12, 2013)

Conspiracy theorists.


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## QI 541 (Mar 12, 2013)

There's this guy I used know on an online Yugioh (don't laugh) dueling website who usually annoyed the crap out of everyone and had some mental problems.  Usually, he would go online, ask for a duel, and then quit as soon as he's losing.  And because all of his decks are terrible, this happens a lot.  When I asked him why he does this, he said he was trying to teach people a lesson against using good decks.  His logic was that people use good decks to make winning easier, so he forfeits whenever he sees people using good cards to give them an easy but unsatisfying win, and hopes that by doing this, people realize that using good decks to win is unsatisfying.  He actually thought he could change the entire community's attitude by doing this repeatedly.  He often references the Yugioh GX anime when describing his motivations.  In the anime, the antagonists are all competitive and elitist Yugioh players, while the protagonists simply play for fun.  He claims that whenever people actually try to win, they're taking the game too seriously, and acting like the antagonists from the anime.

I found out that the actual reason he does this is because he has a fear of not being respected.  He thinks that if he loses badly (quitting doesn't count apparently), people will think that he's worthless.  Ironically, quitting whenever someone displays any form of competence against him has hurt his reputation much more than losing a card game ever could have.

I also suspect that he thinks his monster cards are real, and have feelings, or something.  I was dueling him and discovered that he absolutely loathes it when his opponents take control of his monster cards.  As soon as I took control of one of his monsters, he threw a tantrum and started insulting me.  Also, he absolutely refuses to destroy his own monster if I'm controlling it, even if he could have won the game.  I asked him why, and he gave me two different reasons.  First, he said that controlling an opponent's monsters is disrespectful to the cards.  He later changed the reason to something about his high school days.  He says that whenever someone takes control of one of his monsters, it reminds him of when his friends stopped hanging around him to hang out with some other people, thus "betraying" him.  Remember, this is the guy who claims everyone else are the ones who take Yugioh too seriously.

Some other random information: He's 32 years old and lives with his mother.  But unlike Chris, he's employed.


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## DykesDykesChina (Mar 12, 2013)

An Ounce of Vagina said:
			
		

> Libertarians. Spoiled little children who want all of the benefits of citizenship and none of the responsibilities, like paying taxes and obeying laws. Honestly, they make me want to reconsider the whole universal suffrage thing.


This. Paultards/Randroids SUCK!


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## BigAltheGreat921 (Mar 12, 2013)

1) Fred Phelps and other extreme religious sects that operate in the South--they want to do nothing but turn America into a theocracy and brainwash everyone into worshiping their warped views of Christianity.

2) Ignorant people in general--they know nothing about anything (even America itself) and are some of the biggest racists/xenophobes around.

3) Corporations--more like a collection of LOLcows, but I think many firms are very greedy, corrupt and exploitative, treating their employees like shit and enslaving them to the job. I would never work in that type of environment.


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## CatParty (Mar 12, 2013)

Indy wrestlers


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## Saney (Mar 12, 2013)

Homophobes, fundies, homophobic fundies. I asked someone why they thought that gay people hurt society, and this is what they sent me.


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## random_pickle (Mar 13, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> Homophobes, fundies, homophobic fundies. I asked someone why they thought that gay people hurt society, and this is what they sent me.



Please tell me it's illegal for "official" websites such as that to post false information that has been disproved over and over again?


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## Saney (Mar 13, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

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Don't I wish. Jesus Christ, why do they stick to the idea that homosexuality is a contagious disease?


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## cypocraphy (Mar 13, 2013)

CatParty said:
			
		

> Indy wrestlers



Also,smart marks who don't understand that wrestling is about drawing money. God forbid a wrestling show isn't full of "5 star" matches. 

Hogan drew the most money ever,that child killer they used to worship couldn't draw flies to a horses ass. Fuck you smart marks,go whack off to puroresu that nobody cares about. I mean,I'm not saying I love shitty matches and hate good ones..but you know the idiots that I'm talking about.


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## KawaiiChrisChan (Mar 13, 2013)

raymond said:
			
		

> There's this guy I used know on an online Yugioh (don't laugh) dueling website who usually annoyed the crap out of everyone and had some mental problems.  Usually, he would go online, ask for a duel, and then quit as soon as he's losing.  And because all of his decks are terrible, this happens a lot.  When I asked him why he does this, he said he was trying to teach people a lesson against using good decks.  His logic was that people use good decks to make winning easier, so he forfeits whenever he sees people using good cards to give them an easy but unsatisfying win, and hopes that by doing this, people realize that using good decks to win is unsatisfying.  He actually thought he could change the entire community's attitude by doing this repeatedly.  He often references the Yugioh GX anime when describing his motivations.  In the anime, the antagonists are all competitive and elitist Yugioh players, while the protagonists simply play for fun.  He claims that whenever people actually try to win, they're taking the game too seriously, and acting like the antagonists from the anime.
> 
> I found out that the actual reason he does this is because he has a fear of not being respected.  He thinks that if he loses badly (quitting doesn't count apparently), people will think that he's worthless.  Ironically, quitting whenever someone displays any form of competence against him has hurt his reputation much more than losing a card game ever could have.
> 
> ...



I can relate...  I used to work as a stock boy for the local walmart.  And there was this cart pusher I knew that loved, LOVED, The animu; Bleach and Naruto.  I hated the show, because I always thought it was a prime example of what I call a "cookie cutter anime" (meaning its the same idea as every other fighting/battle/competition animu) And I tell him that I like Ghost in the Shell, FLCL and FMA better.  So, after I had told him that, he starts giving me strange looks every time I walk through the parking lot. 

 Then one day, He comes back to the stock room and he has with him a long broom handle, So he stop dead in his tracks in the middle of the work floor in a clearing surrounded by boxes, and points at me and yells at the top of his lungs:  "ICHIGO-HAKU-BANKAI!" (or some shit like that.)  And proceeds to swish about, pretending its a bo staff, trying to be all stylized and dramatic as if he's drawing power from the ground.  Then he says;  "Prepare yourself Elric..." (Referencing Edward Elric from FMA)  I'm standing there with my price gun in hand and 10 other people staring at us.  I actually wanted to humor him and play along, but I knew that that would probably be a bad decision.  So I ask him what the hell he's doing, and before long the floor manager comes by and grabs him by the shoulder.  I don't know if this startled him or if it was the sheer rage inside him, but he ducked and swung that broom handle and CRACK!  Broke our managers nose.  Up until that point, I thought he was just fucking with me, being a big goofball, but no... He was legitimately angry.  So I and several other employees charge him and knock him flat on his ass. (he was as thin as a pencil so it was almost no effort.)  I take the broom handle and throw it away from his reach.  Minutes later police show up and cuff him, all while he's screaming; BANKAI!!!  BANKAI-JUTSU!!!  

About a month later I quit and decided to help my mom with her job instead.  I guess that's sort of how I take an interest in Chris, He reminds me too much of the crazy cart pusher from my home town walmart.


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## Rio (Mar 13, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> Homophobes, fundies, homophobic fundies. I asked someone why they thought that gay people hurt society, and this is what they sent me.


I bet the writer of that article has a _lot_ of sailor moon posters on his wall.

Also, I like how his evidence to discredit most of the scientific research that contradicts his point of view is "IT'S NOT TRUE! SHUT UP!" without any sources cited or reasons given. Hell, he says that ex-gay facilities are legit, which pretty much tells you right off the bat what kind of person we're dealing with here. He also says that homosexual adoption is irrefutably harmful to the child, which recently got proven false. The guy literally has no clue of what he's talking about, and his only evidence to support his outlandish claims appears to be yelling "I'm definitely right, you guys!" which, unfortunately for the good man, does not hold up.


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## CatParty (Mar 13, 2013)

Rio said:
			
		

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i thoroughly enjoyed this one   http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/03/12/c ... ause-aids/


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## Rio (Mar 13, 2013)

CatParty said:
			
		

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Vaginas have aids-blocking barriers now? Wow, has that guy ever had sex-ed? He realizes that aids transfers through vaginal sex too, right? What was he thinking? It's amazing how dumbasses like that seem to have a way of getting into the public spotlight,

Speaking of dumbasses speaking publicly, how about this one? 
[youtube]nMANMIe0ZZI[/youtube]


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## Saney (Mar 13, 2013)

So, I sent a reply to the person who sent me that article, and this is what they sent in reply.


Spoiler






> Hum. I haven't checked, and therefore wouldn't know. But just because people won't say being gay is a mental illness doesn't necessarily imply it's not true...
> 
> Yes, I'm aware, but I believe it's been proven that being gay increases the likelihood of getting those diseases. I find it ironic that there's no cure.
> 
> ...





Jesus. Fucking. Christ.


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## random_pickle (Mar 13, 2013)

KawaiiChrisChan said:
			
		

> I can relate...  I used to work as a stock boy for the local walmart.  And there was this cart pusher I knew that loved, LOVED, The animu; Bleach and Naruto.  I hated the show, because I always thought it was a prime example of what I call a "cookie cutter anime" (meaning its the same idea as every other fighting/battle/competition animu) And I tell him that I like Ghost in the Shell, FLCL and FMA better.  So, after I had told him that, he starts giving me strange looks every time I walk through the parking lot.
> 
> Then one day, He comes back to the stock room and he has with him a long broom handle, So he stop dead in his tracks in the middle of the work floor in a clearing surrounded by boxes, and points at me and yells at the top of his lungs:  "ICHIGO-HAKU-BANKAI!" (or some shit like that.)  And proceeds to swish about, pretending its a bo staff, trying to be all stylized and dramatic as if he's drawing power from the ground.  Then he says;  "Prepare yourself Elric..." (Referencing Edward Elric from FMA)  I'm standing there with my price gun in hand and 10 other people staring at us.  I actually wanted to humor him and play along, but I knew that that would probably be a bad decision.  So I ask him what the hell he's doing, and before long the floor manager comes by and grabs him by the shoulder.  I don't know if this startled him or if it was the sheer rage inside him, but he ducked and swung that broom handle and CRACK!  Broke our managers nose.  Up until that point, I thought he was just fucking with me, being a big goofball, but no... He was legitimately angry.  So I and several other employees charge him and knock him flat on his ass. (he was as thin as a pencil so it was almost no effort.)  I take the broom handle and throw it away from his reach.  Minutes later police show up and cuff him, all while he's screaming; BANKAI!!!  BANKAI-JUTSU!!!



Weeaboo alert! Weeaboo alert!   

Have you considered uploading that story to Weeaboo Horrors?


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## Rio (Mar 13, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> So, I sent a reply to the person who sent me that article, and this is what they sent in reply.
> 
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> Spoiler
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Wow, this guy... Is he being serious?


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## Saney (Mar 13, 2013)

Rio said:
			
		

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Yep, she's deadly serious. Also deadly stupid. I mean, seriously, what is that? _What is that?_


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## José Mourinho (Mar 13, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> So, I sent a reply to the person who sent me that article, and this is what they sent in reply.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...



Ughh.... I got a lot of things to say about this, but I can start by pointing out that he missed *Point #5*.

And I like how he points out to Saney as someone else's grandma even though he made a TL;DR reply.


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## Bugaboo (Mar 13, 2013)

A while ago Rush Limbaugh said that the legalization of gay marriage will make pedophilia normal. 
I get that it's his job to be controversial, but what the hell is the logical turn of events that will cause this to happen?
1. Gay marriage legal
2. ???
3. PEDOPHILES EVERYWHERE


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## Saney (Mar 13, 2013)

revengeofphil said:
			
		

> A while ago Rush Limbaugh said that the legalization of gay marriage will make pedophilia normal.
> I get that it's his job to be controversial, but what the hell is the logical turn of events that will cause this to happen?
> 1. Gay marriage legal
> 2. ???
> 3. PEDOPHILES EVERYWHERE


According to the fundie I'm talking to, becoming more tolerant of gay people somehow means that we'll come to accept pedophiles. Yeah, I don't know either.


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## mendoza (Mar 13, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

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They are attempting to make a slippery slope argument.

It is true that gays used to be looked down on by mainstream society and homosexuality was once labeled a mental illness by mainstream psychiatry.

But now that we have a more tolerant society and homosexuals are no longer treated like mental patients, they believe the same thing will eventually happen to pedophiles who are currently still looked upon in horror by mainstream society.

This is a logical segue to them, because in their minds homosexuality is no better or worse than pedophilia, so they see acceptance of one as opening some kind of free-for-all gateway leading to the other. And then for extra lulz they will sometimes throw polygamy, necrophilia and beastiality into their argument. Well, with furries and Bronies getting the mainstream treatment these days, they might not be so far off on that last one.


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## Judge Holden (Mar 13, 2013)

^ Because not suppressing consenting adults (preferably violently with fire and stoning involved) for their basic identity is an equal evil to mass child rape. 

Or to be more exact not hating people fundies find "icky and weird" makes you and society pure evil because you are denying fundies their "entitlement" to get away with spitting on people they find icky and weird, and the purest "icky and weird" evil fundies can think of is pedophillia.

Its like why they say humanism will lead to the state mass murdering "useless" people. Humanism defies their delusions of being the absolute moral best of humanity, and thus it "must" be pure evil and thus it is equal to naziism


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## Judge Holden (Mar 13, 2013)

mendoza said:
			
		

> It is true that gays used to be looked down on by mainstream society and homosexuality was once labeled a mental illness by mainstream psychiatry.
> 
> But now that we have a more tolerant society and homosexuals are no longer treated like mental patients, they believe the same thing will eventually happen to pedophiles who are currently still looked upon in horror by mainstream society.



Plus what those who like reminding us that "dem damn dirty homos used to be seen as insane before evul political correctness stopped us from putting them in asylums" neglect to mention is that the same used to happen to women who were seen as "nymphomaniacs". I.e. prostitutes, women percieved as being too "slutty" (loveshys dream right here) or even women who enjoyed sex instead of seeing it as their babymaking duty.



			
				mendoza said:
			
		

> This is a logical segue to them, because in their minds homosexuality is no better or worse than pedophilia, so they see acceptance of one as opening some kind of free-for-all gateway leading to the other. And then for extra lulz they will sometimes throw polygamy, necrophilia and beastiality into their argument.



True, since they pretty much define any sex they disapprove of as some variety of "Icky sex", which is pretty much everything non hetro missionary. 



			
				mendoza said:
			
		

> Well, with furries and Bronies getting the mainstream treatment these days, they might not be so far off on that last one.



On the other hand, the fact their number 1 enemy is accusations of horsefuckery makes it clear bestiality is still safely freaking everyone the fuck out


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 14, 2013)

I have two from my college years:

Rachael the tard - Rachael claimed she had Aspergers so it was perfectly ok for her to stomp down the halls all hours of the night, have loud conversations outside of peoples doors late at night, hang underwear that someone left in the bathroom on the RA's door, pick fights with girls (this was at a womens college), and there was rumors that there were mice in her room because her room was so fucking filthy. 

She was also a chronic liar, to the point where it was documented in her case file with Residence Life (nobody snooped, my friend was at someones desk and her file was open, and it said there bright as day "chronic liar"). This is all I can remember from her lies:

-That she attended many colleges including Hollins, Yale, I forgot the others...
-That her parents were rich, and had several houses, and owned several buildings downtown
-She dated a male underwear model
-That she sold designer purses online (I saw her walking around with an LV Speedy once, probably fake, but her mommy probably told her it was real)
-That she was from New York (she wasn't she was from northern va like most students at our college)
-I remember the first fucking day I was at college, she claimed that she was getting this special shelf sent in so she could keep this canned tea she loved on it -- WHAT THE FUCK. 

Rachael was kicked out of the dorms (all of them) a little bit after I left that dorm building (I transferred to a single in the building reserved for the military students, thank god). She got in a big fight with my friend, and my college was like FUCK NO and she was gone. I still saw her around campus, but I'm pretty sure she never graduated.

(I never use the word "tard" for people -- her and Chris are my only exceptions, because they ARE)

MaryKatherine - LONG STORY. Way back to 2003 for this one. In 2003 I finally decided to go to real school, and started at this little branch of a big community college in Williamsburg, VA. I met this annoying as hell chick named Mary Kathernine. Girl never shut up. Girl clung to anybody who would talk back to her, including me. One time I witnessed her bringing a subway sandwich into a classroom--right before class started. I think she's the reason why food and drink was banned from the building shortly after (which SUCKED. Due to space constraints our classes were three hours long!). 

I left that community college and transferred to another CC in 2005. I graduated from there in 2008, and transferred to a womens college, about 400 miles away from Williamsburg. 

Day after I move in senior year, my friend who is an RA told me that there was a girl similar to me who just transferred, and that she was an older student (I was 25 when I got to college) and she was really nervous. I said what the hell and came by. 

IT WAS MARY KATHERINE. I hadn't seen her in 7 years, but there she fucking was AT MY SCHOOL. At this rate, I was 26 and she was 24, I think. Somehow, the older she got, the stupider she became. This is from all the stuff my friends told me (who she clung onto, it got to the point where right before I graduated I filed a report on her stalking my friends):

-Mary Katherine saw how many lesbians were at my school, so she suddenly decided that she was gay too, just to fit in. She came from a very strict background, catholic school, freaked out when she saw a condom in community college, you know that type. 

-She'd sneak in on people sleeping in their rooms and look at them ... sleeping. This shit started like, the first week of the fall semester. 

-She walked around the halls in her underwear. 

-One time she was sunbathing outside in her underwear. The next day the entire college got an email that was pretty much, "DON'T DO THAT EVER."

-She weaseled her way into a dorm to "check on a friend who had a headache" she was just wanting to see this girl that she was stalking. 

From what I gather, she's still at my college. She has to be nearly 28 by now. She's been in college non stop, no breaks, for 10 years.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 14, 2013)

^ That guy sounds like this blind (and maybe possibly autistic?) guy I fooled around with for a few months near the end of undergrad. He volunteered at the American Shakespeare Center, so I guess people there felt sorry for him, so they helped him with a read-thru of his play at this Tea House in town. Being  the chick he was fooling around with, I decided to go.  

That shit was so boring. The play sounds really similar to your doofuses play.


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## Surtur (Mar 14, 2013)

Henry, send the script my way, I am a sucker for bad writing.


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## MysticMisty (Mar 14, 2013)

This doesn't really count, but it's just so bizarre I have to lump it in here anyways. So, I took a painting course offered by the local community college last fall. Art is fun for me, and I wanted to learn how to paint since it was the one thing I didn't really know. Thing is, this class is way on the other side of town, but there's a bus route that goes right to that campus and a bus stop for that route is very near my house, so it wasn't that inconvenient.

One afternoon on the bus late in the semester this obviously retarded guy got on. I have to give him props for being able to ride the bus by himself but...holy fucking shit he _reeked._ I wasn't even that close to him and I could smell him clearly, it was that bad. Homeless person bad, except he was obviously not homeless (probably similar to what Chris is said to smell like). Normally I just read a book or play games on my Nintendo DS, but the smell of this guy made me look up. I probably would have looked back down except...this guy had fresh food stains all over the front of his shirt. And he was bent over slightly, rubbing his chin in the mess. Everyone fucking stared at him. And everybody he sat down near got up and changed seats at the first possible chance just to get away from him/the smell. Never saw him again on the bus, thank god.

More bus fun!

Every other Thursday my old school evidently has a program in which all the special ed kids take the city bus to a workshop somewhere. A few of them look (and act) almost neurotypical while others are near vegetables, but most of them you could tell had a pretty bad case of autism (except for the few kids with down syndrome, they were the most obvious). This one student (one of the badly autistic ones) had an obvious crush one me.... He'd sit next to me, beg to play my DS if I had it out, beg to read my book if I was reading, or beg the other kids to play whatever games they were playing (only one PSP, everyone else seemed to have iPads), always very loudly. No matter what he was begging though he always leaned fully on me, even when I would tell him to please not lean on me.

One day the PSP guy actually loaned him the PSP, so I was relieved that he wouldn't bug me for once. Unlucky for him one of the teachers sat down nearby and demanded he put it away because she considered this class time, so he'd have to wait until lunch tomorrow to play a game. I happened to have my DS out, so he pointed to me and screamed that I have a game out, and that's not fair. The teacher looked ready to tell me to put my DS away to make him shut the fuck up, so I firmly said (mostly to her) that I am not part of their group and thus can do whatever the hell I want to pass the time to my destination. He bawwwed and pitched a fit all the way to their stop, I could tell the teachers were ready to kill him, but they restrained themselves on the bus. Once he and the teachers got off though they were pissed at his inability to control himself in public.

I sort of thought he wouldn't be allowed to go again to whatever to go to do, but a couple weeks later he got on with the rest of them. He never sat next to me again though, either they told him he wasn't allowed to sit by anyone not in the group or he just hated me because of the trouble he got in. It was a relief though, I really didn't like him leaning on me, or telling me how to play my own games, which he wasn't even familiar with. Weird advice too, like "BE CAREFUL ON THE LADDER!" or "BE CAREFUL RUNNING LIKE THAT YOU'LL TRIP!"


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## CatParty (Mar 14, 2013)

Rio said:
			
		

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i almost punched my computer screen.

seriously, fuck those assholes.


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## Bugaboo (Mar 14, 2013)

I finally read that fundie's shit arguement and I'm like what.
I don't get why people say HIV and AIDS are "gay diseases" because you're just as likely to get it if you sleep around a lot and you're heterosexual. Is it because they think all gays are just so into sex and have a billion partners all the time? It's like they've never met a gay person and talked to them for more than five seconds.

Also there are gay animals, I can name several species who have been observed to be homosexual off the top of my head.
-Sheep
-Swans
-Penguins
-Lions (Sometimes two males will rule a pride and they'll regularly have sex to keep the bond between them strong so they can both continue to rule)


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## Saney (Mar 14, 2013)

CatParty said:
			
		

> Rio said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Seconding that. Honestly, with each reply she sends, I feel more and more like starting my replies with "Dear bitch" and ending with "You're being a dumbass, cut that out".


			
				revengeofphil said:
			
		

> I finally read that fundie's shit arguement and I'm like what.
> I don't get why people say HIV and AIDS are "gay diseases" because you're just as likely to get it if you sleep around a lot and you're heterosexual. Is it because they think all gays are just so into sex and have a billion partners all the time? It's like they've never met a gay person and talked to them for more than five seconds.
> 
> Also there are gay animals, I can name several species who have been observed to be homosexual off the top of my head.
> ...


Well, of course she's never talked to a gay person, that's a good way of catching gay! Because that exactly how that works, right? Being gay is somehow both a mental and physical disease?


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## CatParty (Mar 14, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> Well, of course she's never talked to a gay person, that's a good way of catching gay! Because that exactly how that works, right? Being gay is somehow both a mental and physical disease?




[youtube]eEKpufAeTi0[/youtube]


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## c-no (Mar 14, 2013)

At the moment, I can only think of three personal lolcows that come from the internet that I managed to read about.
Weeaboos when they are being idiots, such as one who threw one hell of a tantrum when being denied a manga that was yaoi in a bookstore.

The Christians who basically say they follow Christ and say they are tolerant when they would, in reality, be hypocritical and think there is some conspiracy by the government/some religion/Christian sects that they think are "un Christ-like" because they don't follow a very certain rule( ex. not using the NKJ Bible).

The atheist who smugly think they are smarter just because they don't follow a religion when in reality, they are just being pompous and are no smarter (and if applicable, evangelistic) than the self-righteous religious guy. (Rational Response Squad would be an example if you were to read about them, or google jane everhart vatican commando.) Speaking of Jane Everhart, she is an atheist who believes that the Vatican has commandos sent to disprove some 25 year old guy who tried to make some attempt at disproving the Bible.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 15, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> At the moment, I can only think of three personal lolcows that come from the internet that I managed to read about.
> Weeaboos when they are being idiots, such as one who threw one hell of a tantrum when being denied a manga that was yaoi in a bookstore.



What does that mean? I tried googling yaoi, and I just understood that its some sort of erotic manga?


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## Saney (Mar 15, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> c-no said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Gay sex.


----------



## darkhorse816 (Mar 15, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> sparklemilhouse said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think c-no's referring to this story:

http://weebstories.tumblr.com/post/37107656452/spoiled-rotten

It's a fun story to read, and one of my favorites.


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## Surtur (Mar 15, 2013)

What is it about Weebs and being the most bat shit insane fans out there?


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 15, 2013)

darkhorse816 said:
			
		

> http://weebstories.tumblr.com/post/37107656452/spoiled-rotten
> 
> It's a fun story to read, and one of my favorites.




Wow. What set off my "mentally ill" alarm was the parents coming to the store in the days after to pay for damages, bought the employees lunch, and gift cards. Like this shit happens all.the.time.


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## c-no (Mar 15, 2013)

darkhorse816 said:
			
		

> I think c-no's referring to this story:
> 
> http://weebstories.tumblr.com/post/37107656452/spoiled-rotten
> 
> It's a fun story to read, and one of my favorites.


Yeah, that's the one.


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Mar 15, 2013)

There was this crazy middle-aged lady in my anatomy class. She always interrupted the instructor about dumb stuff, and the first or second day of class told some people to go to hell because she thought they were laughing when she said she was paralyzed and nearly killed in a car accident. They were laughing because she interrupted class and they were having their own conversation.

One day she asked if she could leave class and print off some notes. The instructor said yes, and she came back a little later nearly crying that she wanted to know why her email wasn't working. The instructor had had it by that point and they started to argue. It ended with the student threatening to go to the dean because he wasn't being helpful and she stormed off, never to enter the class again. Needless to say the dean didn't care about what she had to say.

Later in the class a student shouted "but I want to know!" when she came back into the room. Everyone laughed, even the instructor. After class some guys wanted to know if they could get extra credit by being the instructor's body guard as he went to his next class.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 15, 2013)

I love that story so much. 

I hate saying this, but nearly every middle aged woman I want to community college with acted just.like.her. 

There was a woman who looked like food networks Sandra lee (aka the kwanzaa cake lady) at my community college. First day of class she asked what google was, and didn't know how to do her online assignments, because she didn't know how to use a computer. I blame my cc for not putting her in a remedial computer class first.


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## JarlaxleBaenre (Mar 15, 2013)

I think one of our fellows submitted a story to that Weeaboo tumblr; its the one about being a secretary in the anime fanclub.

Sean Hannity is my personal lolcow.


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## mendoza (Mar 16, 2013)

Pretty much all of Faux News.


----------



## Ivan Komarov (Mar 16, 2013)

mendoza said:
			
		

> Pretty much all of Faux News.


CNN is funnier. They have Piers Morgan, and "everything is racist" sections.


God bless modern day reporting.


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## acrylicpaint (Mar 16, 2013)

Unfortunately, my best friend since sixth grade is becoming more like a lolcow every day. He comes from an extremely fundamentalist Christian family - which isn't necessarily bad, I'm Christian too, but he takes his beliefs way too seriously and is extremely self-righteous about them. For example, he once told me to break up with my girlfriend because she's Catholic and I shouldn't allow myself to be yoked together with unbelievers. Because, you know, Catholicism isn't _real_ Christianity. And that's not even the worst of it - he's afraid of asking out the girl he has a crush on because she's a pretribulationist Calvinist and he's a posttribulationist Arminian.

So not only does he obsess over Christian theology, he's also been either private-schooled or homeschooled all his life, and has no idea how to act around people with beliefs different than his. Heck, I can't think of a single time in all my years of knowing him that he's even _talked_ to someone of a different religion (although, of course, he considers "Pentecostal" to be a completely different religion than "Baptist"). Add all that to the fact that he's extremely socially maladjusted and, well, he's going to have one hell of a time in college.

Seriously, his mom is too protective of him to let him do fun things like go to concerts, etc., and he doesn't like to read, so video games have been his only consolation for the past 15 or so years. They're all he talks about - and he talks _loudly_ and indiscriminately, regardless of whether you care to hear or not. Seriously, one time we went to this arcade with a mutual friend of ours who's a girl and a non-gamer, and I swear he bored her half to death. Yes, you can play Street Fighter with girls and make it fun, but only if you don't spend every second boring her with how Street Fighter Zero 2 is completely different from Street Fighter III: Third Strike because it lacks a parry system and has custom combos, and also Shinkiro is one of the greatest character designers in Japanese two-on-two fighting game history.

And to top it all off, he's going through a huge weeaboo phase all of the sudden - at the ripe old age of 18. Well, at least he's growing up.


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## DykesDykesChina (Mar 16, 2013)

acrylicpaint said:
			
		

> Seriously, his mom is too protective of him to let him do fun things like go to concerts, etc., and he doesn't like to read, so video games have been his only consolation for the past 15 or so years. They're all he talks about - and he talks _loudly_ and indiscriminately, regardless of whether you care to hear or not. Seriously, one time we went to this arcade with a mutual friend of ours who's a girl and a non-gamer, and I swear he bored her half to death. Yes, you can play Street Fighter with girls and make it fun, but only if you don't spend every second boring her with how Street Fighter Zero 2 is completely different from Street Fighter III: Third Strike because it lacks a parry system and has custom combos, and also Shinkiro is one of the greatest character designers in Japanese two-on-two fighting game history.


Aren't video games a work of the devil for fundamentalist Christians?


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## acrylicpaint (Mar 16, 2013)

DykesDykesChina said:
			
		

> Aren't video games a work of the devil for fundamentalist Christians?



The forefront seems to be changing with fundamentalist Christianity. Walk into any homeschool gathering and you'll find a bunch of troubled, poorly adjusted kids talking about nothing but video games. (Homeschoolers in general tend to make pretty good lolcows, I regret to say.) Rock music and PG-13 movies, on the other hand, are still pure evil.


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## darkhorse816 (Mar 16, 2013)

Within one of my fandoms, there are a few fans who I consider personal lolcows. I'll talk about one of them.

The first super sentai series I got into was Samurai Sentai Shinkenger. It was the first one I watched fully. And I'd browse the forums to see upcoming spoilers and stuff. But there was this one user, let's call her Tako, who was a Shinkenredxshinkenpink rabid shipper. To give you guys some background about shinkenger, there is a ship-to-ship combat between two different ships: Shinkenredxshinkenpink and Shinkenredxshinkenyellow. I'm part of red and yellow. Shinkenger (adapted as Power Rangers Samurai, for the love of all that's good in the world, don't watch it!) is about five modern samurais: Shinkenred, and his four vassals. Shinkenpink is what I call a fan sue (a character the fandom morphs into their own little Mary Sue). Her name is Mako, and is somewhat attractive (I've seen better). Her goal in life is to be a wife and mother. And she's a horrible cook. She also loves men she can fix.

Then there's Shinkenyellow, Kotoha. She's the youngest on the team (around 16, I think), speaks with a Kyoto accent, pretty much only feels comfortable as a samurai, is a powerhouse as a fighter, and has extremely low self-esteem. And I mean it.

Some people ship Kotoha with Chiaki (shinkengreen) because of moments that are pretty ambiguous. Chiaki's the second youngest, and Kotoha woops his ass during training in one of the first episodes. And he's very overprotective over her. I ship Kotoha and Takeru (Shinkenred).

I don't want to give away too much of Takeru's backstory, but I will say, he is the "Lord," he is awesome, he is extremely stoic, he doesn't like anyone getting sacrificed for him, and the only thing he's comfortable with is being a samurai. Like Kotoha.

Something else that's really important about Kotoha is that her sister was supposed to be Shinkenyellow, but she fell sick with sudden coughing disease. and Kotoha had to take her place when she was really little, and she put all of her heart and soul into training. But sometimes, Kotoha doesn't feel like she's the real Shinkenyellow. Here's an important spoiler about Takeru:



Spoiler



He's not the real Shinkenred, he's a shadow lord. The real Shinkenred is a 14-year-old girl who is the most badass, yet nicest person ever



Fun facts about TakeruxKotoha: Kotoha is the only one who can make Takeru blush, she was the one who indirectly got Takeru to get out of one of his depressive states, her reason for protecting Takeru and fighting is because "she doesn't want him to die," and was the most flustered saying her reason, oh, and mid-series, she starts to realize that her feelings towards Takeru aren't totally admiration: she might really like the guy. And they have a lot in common. So that's why I ship them.

Tako ships Takeru and Mako like crazy. And she jumps to possibly the most bizarre conclusions--because they had red and pink cups in one episode, she assumed that was because Takeru and Mako were going to get together. There's this episode where they lure the villains who are attacking brides at their wedding by having Mako pretending to marry Takeru (there was no excitement, it was all pretty serious: we pretend to be getting married, no romance, we're just trying to lure out Japanese demons), and she EATS THAT EPISODE UP!

The sad thing is, she is obsessed with Tori Matsukaza, the actor who plays Takeru. I mean, he is extremely good looking, and he seems like a cool person, but I think she thinks she is Mako in order to satisfy her fantasy of ending up with him.

I'd been checking in on what she's doing, on and off, like if I'll be reading reviews on fanfiction.net, she'll be praising a TakeruxMako fanfic even if it is a piece of crap. But then we made contact. Well, technically, I never responded to her. I don't want to start a drama, but she already has a few enemies who can't tolerate her bullshit. 

I did a blogpost on sentai shipping, and why certain couples would never work in the real world, i.e, Takeru and Mako would never work, but Takeru and Kotoha might (as soon as Kotoha grows up a bit more and becomes more confident, although she technically had to grow up fast for her role as a vassal). And guess who commented. BTW, Tako's British. I always thought most British people have better grammar than us Americans, but apparantly, I was wrong. I picture her with a Cockney accent after reading what she wrote:



Spoiler



|I Love how u dismmissed Takeru x mako so fast on this cause your Takeru and Kotoha shipper, since when does Takeru have confidence issues, the burdun he keeps from them is killing him thats not a confidence issue LOL 

Kotoha loved him and looked up to him for loyality before She even met him thats why i see them as Bro and Sis, the head pat thing i defo agree on the marv and ahim , thing cause its a movement to stop someone crying or cheer them up Takeru did to a Kid in 12.

Are u telling me that people with different goals can't together... what if someone had no goal cause someone close to them died and they didnt know their way in life yet ? does that mean forever they live alone ? 

Takeru and Mako are both great with kids they even had a MUm and dad line in episode 16 .

Mako has different Goals she had them goals cause of her Parents, after 34 she now has another Goal , the reason she wants a normal family is because her mum and dad left her, her mum was a samurai injured so thats why.

Mako never accepted Takeru at first

Your telling me that someone who can read them without even speaking and someone who won't leave a loved one to wollow in his on dout and pain cause shes a nosy bitch haha and wants to help ? can't be together?

When Meeting someone and growing closer goals in life can change , u mentioned Mako's goals at the beginning , she still wants a family but who says she hasnt changed her mind on a samurai family ? 

She never once left Takeru to fall, She throughout the series was a nosy bitch again till episode 44 when she came out with it that she has been trying to figure out what burdun what Pain affects him.

Someone who marries someone or loves them ? oo with have different goals in life , it will fail ? u cant say that ? people change when they meet someone. The Siduations in life change people's goals.

* everything else u said was an interesting read.

Just don't say shipping can damage someones relationship in real life ? thats just werd ,

I didnt even know what shipping was till someone came up to me and called me one with Takeru x Mako 

and i love the fact u say people who make vids use certain episodes ? 

Depends which ones u have seen but with my vids i use nearly every episode i can.

None of my vids have them pretending and using scenes that arnt them like in some sentai vids or shipping vids they put scenes together like their looking at each other, i hate that .. i can't edit like that.

your shipper yourself ? is it hurting your relationship with someone ? its not with mine but yah .

You do make excellant points , but i ship women who are strong , stand up to a guy who keeps pushing them away , which men or people do in real life.

I push people away but people who love and care for me dont let me fall or go into dispair and thats what i love in characters i ship x 

we have different opiouns, so in your statement your shipper am a shipper just let people ship who they want without giving facts or statements that can really upset them, they enjoy what they do. 

Hell Takeru x Mako are my number one i have never been so obsessed or love a duo like them, i dont know why but yah



And for a week, she was on a warpath. She posts these videos with clips from episodes of Shinkenger that she claims are "shippy" every other day, and one of them, according to a source, had an insult to me on it. And on some fanfiction reviews, she took the liberty to insult me, and on her little takeruxmako facebook page, she insulted me to her legions of fellow shippers.

And the sad thing is, I don't think she has a normal love life. Evidenced by what she said, she apparently thinks it's totally okay to stalk guys and bug them when they tell you to leave them alone.

I hope this doesn't sound like a vent, but this is what happens when somebody has an obsessive crush on a guy on the other side of the world, and it influences everything about her.

And if you guys want to, I can post about two other sentai fans who earned not only my ire, but the fandom's ire as well. I call them TweedleWeeb and TweedleBoo.


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## random_pickle (Mar 16, 2013)

Ah ship wars, they have some of the biggest lolcows I've seen.


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## cypocraphy (Mar 16, 2013)

On the topic of fundies and homophobes...it just made me remember.

From K through 8th grade I went to a Catholic school. We learned about evolution and the big bang with no problem,and we were never taught that homosexuality was bad. 

I guess it could be that I live in a wealthy,democrat town in the northeast.


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## Bridechu (Mar 16, 2013)

I recently made an account to look into the lolcows of the "Ponyville Red Light" forum that the infamous jin15 (the pony plushie fucker) came from. Honestly, though, it's mostly just depressing. You've got a few genuine perverts, but mostly people with autism, anxiety disorders, and other actual social disabilities that are finding solace and coping mechanisms in cartoon ponies. A lot of them aren't even interested in sex, really, they just want a friend. It's too sad to be funny, because I guess I think "There but for the grace of Accutane and alcohol go I."

Still, if I ever see a neckbeard carrying around a plushie in public, I'm getting pics of that shit.


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## José Mourinho (Mar 17, 2013)

Bridechu said:
			
		

> I recently made an account to look into the lolcows of the "Ponyville Red Light" forum that the infamous jin15 (the pony plushie fucker) came from. Honestly, though, it's mostly just depressing. You've got a few genuine perverts, but mostly people with autism, anxiety disorders, and other actual social disabilities that are finding solace and coping mechanisms in cartoon ponies. A lot of them aren't even interested in sex, really, they just want a friend. It's too sad to be funny, because I guess I think "There but for the grace of Accutane and alcohol go I."
> 
> Still, if I ever see a neckbeard carrying around a plushie in public, I'm getting pics of that shit.



Anyone in the mood for a Q&A (Or AMA: Ask Me Anything) for jin15?

http://www.redlightponyville.com/forums ... d-402.html

Here's some quotes and pictures:



> "*"Which side of the bed do you sleep on?"*
> Sometimes a picture says more than words ever can ^_^





> *"Three biggest turn ons and three biggest turn offs?"*
> Biggest Turn Ons : 1. Twilight Sparkle, 2. Various other ponies, 3. Chubby male humans with big butts
> Biggest Turn Offs : 1. Skinny people, 2. Cologne/perfume, 3. Bad breath





> *Twixie: I've seen what you like to do to your plushie. *blushes*
> But I"m more curious to know what you'd do with her if you were actually with the real pony. :3*
> Actually, the messy things I've done with brushable figures you've seen are things I'd never do with my Twilight plushie. I did cum on my plushie once and quickly learned that minky fabric is just insanely difficult to clean. I did manage to get her perfectly clean again, but it took about four and a half straight hours of careful meticulous cleaning work to do it. After that I swore I'd  never get even so much as a drop of pre-cum on her again, and I've stuck to that. I do still make love to her a few times a week, but all that involves is cuddling and kissing her while I clop and rubbing my cock back and forth between her back legs while gently squeezing them together (you have no idea how good minky fabric feels against your skin if you've never tried it). I always pull her off me before I cum though (I like pulling her up onto my chest and kissing her while I cum) and I'm extremely careful about keeping her 100% spotlessly clean through the whole process.
> So in spite of what you may have thought I actually am extremely careful about making sure my plushie never gets even the slightest bit dirty. ^_^
> ...


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## c-no (Mar 17, 2013)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> Anyone in the mood for a Q&A (Or AMA: Ask Me Anything) for jin15?
> 
> http://www.redlightponyville.com/forums ... d-402.html
> 
> ...


I'll just let this picture from Know Your Meme sum up how I feel reading that Q&A




Thought of using the My Little Pony picture since this is about a brony who loves Twilight much like how twilight fangirls love Edward or Jacob.


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## c-no (Mar 17, 2013)

Also forgot to mention, if his favorite pony, Twilight, was reading that this would probably be here reaction since this would be the millionth brony who wants her china.


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## mendoza (Mar 17, 2013)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> Bridechu said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...








What in the name of Christopher Christian Weston Chandler did I just read?


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## José Mourinho (Mar 17, 2013)

viewtopic.php?f=21&t=435&p=17729#p17729

Posting more about *jin15* to there.


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## Surtur (Mar 17, 2013)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> Bridechu said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



[youtube]7r9olmTvmHI[/youtube]


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## RV 229 (Mar 18, 2013)

Most social justice warriors on Tumblr. I'm for treating people like equals no matter their background, but they seem to be for attacking every white, cisgendered, thin, and/or male person on the planet, as well as everyone who doesn't kiss their ass or acknowledge them as the winners of the oppression olympics. In other words, minni Chris-Chans.


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## JarlaxleBaenre (Mar 20, 2013)

Equality isn't equality when its one-sided. Terrence Howard is becoming my personal lolcow; he's recently claimed that not reprising his role in Iron-Man 2 killed his career.


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## cypocraphy (Mar 20, 2013)

Cyan said:
			
		

> Most social justice warriors on Tumblr. I'm for treating people like equals no matter their background, but they seem to be for attacking every white, cisgendered, thin, and/or male person on the planet, as well as everyone who doesn't kiss their ass or acknowledge them as the winners of the oppression olympics. In other words, minni Chris-Chans.



The fact that they have internet access makes them pretty privileged I'd say.


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## Aiko Heiwa (Mar 24, 2013)

There was this kid I knew in elementary school, let's call him Kyle, he was so fun to mess around with because we were little shits in elementary school. He'd start to scream and complain if you did anything that he didn't like or got to something that he wanted. Like if you were at free time and you happened to get to the computer first, he'd start to complain about how you stole the computer from him, even if you just got there before him. (That's not to say people didn't rush to the computer) He also was BIG into Sonic and during PE when we ran the lap, he'd run like Sonic. He'd lean forward and run with his arms trailing behind him. He also took everything literally. One time in PE we were playing soccer (really just having two kids one being a goalie and the other the guy trying to get goal)  and the kid who was the goalie pretended to get knocked out by the ball, so then Kyle tried to give him CPR.

Luckily, Kyle grew out of this phase by middle school, so no lolcow anymore for him.


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## pickleniggo (Mar 25, 2013)

Back in the way-back-when, I used to lurk Portal of Evil. (Does anyone remember this place? Basically it was a forum to display various bizarre websites. This was back before internet culture was really a _thing_.) Anyway, there was a page on this girl who was obsessed with the Monkees, in particular Peter Tork. Like, she would write about having psychic links with him or some shit, she'd email extremely lengthy prose to him, and I'm pretty sure she wrote or hosted a lot of slash fanfiction of the Monkees. Some drama went down on Portal of Evil when someone she knew posted a ton of crazy stories about her (like she was literally psychotic). I would go back to the page every now and then to see if she ever grew out of it - the last I saw of it she actually met Peter Tork, posted the pictures, and implied they had sex. Truth or not, I'm sure somewhere a 70 year old former teen idol has a restraining order against some psycho pushing thirty.

The internet has always been a weird place.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 25, 2013)

I have an online friend who is kinda crazy over the Monkees too.


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## pickleniggo (Mar 25, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> I have an online friend who is kinda crazy over the Monkees too.


Do they want to bang them? Because the Monkees were great, but damn.


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## darkhorse816 (Mar 26, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> I have an online friend who is kinda crazy over the Monkees too.



In high school one of my friends was into them. I like their later stuff before the break-up, when they got some semblance of control. 

My favorite's Peter, but I don't have a psychic connection with him or anything. I guess I'm not psychic enough. I do have a psychic connection with Vanilla Ice, though. Make it stop! Please bother someone else Ice! Please!


Kidding.


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## Saney (Apr 19, 2013)

Rightly Concerned douchebag said:
			
		

> Dads against daughters dating?
> 
> There's a new t-shirt, a couple of new books out on the subject and a movement that goes beyond the bookstores pushing the concept.
> 
> ...


ಠ_ಠ
I don't like you. I'd say I hope you never have kids, but it looks like its far too late for that.


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## Surtur (Apr 19, 2013)

Where did you find this gem?


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## Saney (Apr 19, 2013)

Surtur said:
			
		

> Where did you find this gem?


Some site called Rightly Concerned, it looks like a typical fundie site.


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## Surtur (Apr 19, 2013)

By the gods...


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## Saney (Apr 19, 2013)

Surtur said:
			
		

> By the gods...


Oh, I found the link for that quote.
http://www.afa.net/Blogs/BlogPost.aspx?id=2147499796
I haven't checked his other posts yet, but their titles are _very_ telling...


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## MysticMisty (Apr 19, 2013)

I've heard of this kind of thing before. They force their daughters to promise to basically have no parental (daddy) approved relationships, and especially no sex, and do this when they are very young. It must be terrible if these girls grow up and decide to think for themselves (though it's unlikely since they seem to be brainwashed).


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## shutupman (Apr 19, 2013)

http://encyclopediadramatica.se/VampiricSpektor

This guy's still my favourite.


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## Surtur (Apr 19, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> Surtur said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



[youtube]nPeaWNonSAY[/youtube]


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## Springblossom (Apr 19, 2013)

The Newgrounds community. I used to post regularly on the forums there before I grew up and realized how retarded it all was.


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## Saney (Apr 19, 2013)

http://au.news.yahoo.com/vic/latest/a/- ... on-camera/
"I screamed racist obscenities on a train, but my husband is Samoan and my son is half-black, so that totally means that I'm not racist! That's how the works, right?"


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## An Ounce of Vagina (Apr 19, 2013)

I had a co-worker who refused to get her five children vaccinated and spent most of her time preaching about the evil government conspiracy to poison good christian children with satanic chemicals. She eventually left, probably to hold up in a bunker somewhere.

I think I already mentioned another co-worker who believes the Boston bombings must be the work of the government. He literally believes all bad things must come from government.


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## sparklemilhouse (Apr 19, 2013)

I know shit is bad right now job wise, but I don't think I could work there. My dad works with one of those types, and he ignores him, I don't know how dad does it.


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## An Ounce of Vagina (Apr 20, 2013)

It gets even better. Crazy guy says that 9/11 was done by the government with missiles, with holograms of airplanes on the missiles. The planes never existed, and anyone who says they had a loved one on them is lying and out to be hung.


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## Hyperion (Apr 20, 2013)

That dating shit really shows Evangelicalism for the cancer it is upon Christianity. Bloody fucking heretics the lot of them


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## c-no (Apr 20, 2013)

Springblossom said:
			
		

> The Newgrounds community. I used to post regularly on the forums there before I grew up and realized how retarded it all was.


Sicne when was the NG community retarded. I like to know what year that started in. Was it before they overhauled the main page near the end of '07, '08, '09 (I forgot what year they changed the front page.)

Since when was the NG community like that? I like to know what year that started in. Was it before they overhauled the main page near the end of '07, '08, '09 (I forgot what year they changed the front page.)



			
				An Ounce of Vagina said:
			
		

> It gets even better. Crazy guy says that 9/11 was done by the government with missiles, with holograms of airplanes on the missiles. The planes never existed, and anyone who says they had a loved one on them is lying and out to be hung.


Planes never existed, missles', holograms, and lies from the government? Did this guy ever take any drugs because I'm pretty sure he had to of taken something very strong to think of something like that.


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## An Ounce of Vagina (Apr 20, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> An Ounce of Vagina said:
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Not that I know of. He's just one of many gullible idiots who will believe anything anyone tells them as long as they put an "The evil government is out to get you!" spin on it.


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## c-no (Apr 20, 2013)

An Ounce of Vagina said:
			
		

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Well then, someone may as well tell him that the evil government has actually has him under surveillance, where we are really MiB's who are going to make him suffer by infecting the masses through vaccines provided by the government, eventually culminating in a zombie outbreak from the vaccines that causes Washington to launch a nuke on the affected area we have contained, destroying everything, eventually making him trying to stop more of our _evil_ government plans.


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## Springblossom (Apr 20, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

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Honestly, I'm not really trying to bust on NG itself, it's a decent site and has a lot of cool stuff. But the forums...ugh. Lots of really fucking weird people. Crazy furries, proto-loveshies (I saw a lot of rants that would fit in on the loveshy forums), idiots who got 4chan memes about three years too late, people who went into way too much detail about their weird fetishes, and lots of other unpleasant internet types. If I was to hazard a guess, it's just because Newgrounds is a (relatively) mainstream site, and with all the people that frequent the forums, you get a lot of strange ones.

I posted on the forums from 06 to 08. The redesign was in 07, and there was another one after I left that I really don't care enough to look up. Last time I looked, there were a ton of crazy bronies there, which really doesn't surprise me.

I think the only reason it interests me is not because it's a particularly funny lolcow, but because I'm always like 'what the fuck was I thinking posting here?'.


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## c-no (Apr 20, 2013)

Springblossom said:
			
		

> Honestly, I'm not really trying to bust on NG itself, it's a decent site and has a lot of cool stuff. But the forums...ugh. Lots of really fucking weird people. Crazy furries, proto-loveshies (I saw a lot of rants that would fit in on the loveshy forums), idiots who got 4chan memes about three years too late, people who went into way too much detail about their weird fetishes, and lots of other unpleasant internet types. If I was to hazard a guess, it's just because Newgrounds is a (relatively) mainstream site, and with all the people that frequent the forums, you get a lot of strange ones.
> 
> I posted on the forums from 06 to 08. The redesign was in 07, and there was another one after I left that I really don't care enough to look up. Last time I looked, there were a ton of crazy bronies there, which really doesn't surprise me.
> 
> I think the only reason it interests me is not because it's a particularly funny lolcow, but because I'm always like 'what the fuck was I thinking posting here?'.


Considering how it is mainstream, I kinda see where you're going at. Haven't posted there along time. I'm pretty sure I'd join the ranks of that forum as an idiot, seeing as how my first post was crap enough to get me banned, making some topics that I *REALLY* regretted making. Still, seeing what kind of people inhabit it makes me wonder if any of them can become true lolcow material amongst the rest.


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## Mr. 0 (Apr 21, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> Springblossom said:
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Speaking as someone who frequents the BBS, it isn't _really_ mainstream if at all. People who post the way they do (in the only sections of the forum in which the your descriptions apply) because they know they can do so unrestrained. There are other parts of the forum, like Politics, where crap like that is either not tolerated or vertually nonexistant. A lot of the threads can either be annoying or funny depending on how you look at them.

And to answer the question of possible lolcows there: nope. A point several people have made is to keep their NG account separate from everything else so no one they know can see the kind of crap they have posted. While many act like morons, a lot are much smarter than you give credit for. It also sounds like you're either taking it too seriously, or you picked bad points to peek in.


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## RV 229 (Apr 21, 2013)

I got in an argument with some people on Tumblr about Rastafari. They were just getting pissy about white people having dreadlocks and how it was cultural appropriation. I reminded them that Rastafari was a religion, not a race, and that even though the belief was centered around black people, white people could still hold the same beliefs. Rather than just argue with any sort of facts or counter argument, they flipped their shit and started calling me a bunch of racist slurs. I thought it was funny, and then they accused ME of being racist for "laughing at black people's pain". 

God, it was a funny night.


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## cypocraphy (Apr 21, 2013)

Cyan said:
			
		

> I got in an argument with some people on Tumblr about Rastafari. They were just getting pissy about white people having dreadlocks and how it was cultural appropriation. I reminded them that Rastafari was a religion, not a race, and that even though the belief was centered around black people, white people could still hold the same beliefs. Rather than just argue with any sort of facts or counter argument, they flipped their shit and started calling me a bunch of racist slurs. I thought it was funny, and then they accused ME of being racist for "laughing at black people's pain".
> 
> God, it was a funny night.



Reminds me of when I try telling people that "Hispanic" isn't a race.


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## RV 229 (Apr 21, 2013)

bungholio said:
			
		

> Cyan said:
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Wow really? (Yeah really, I just now looked this up and you're right...) You learn something new every day. =T


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## c-no (Apr 21, 2013)

Mr. 0 said:
			
		

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I didn't really take it seriously, but I may as well have picked bad points. I joined NG when I was a day away from being 13 and being new to the internet in terms of forums, I basically acted like an idiot and I was rightfully banned for two stupid topics I made back then. Also made a couple topics that stemmed from my then new, born-again Christian fundie beliefs that really made me wonder if I was an idiot due to being a young teen or just being an idiot who was new to the internet. Never really did thought of people making separate accounts to post threads that are either annoying or funny though.


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## Saney (May 9, 2013)

> I have a theory that equates contraception with a form of rape.
> 
> It goes something like this: Rape has nothing to do with consent, and everything to do with the intent of the rapist. If the only intent in a sex act is to use another person as an object for sexual gratification, then that is rape. The only concrete, material way to judge this is the intent to create a new life. Rapists aren’t thinking about a new life, and if they’re thinking about the future at all, they want their sex to be non-procreative. Contraception is about preventing new life from occurring- and thus making the woman available to be a sex object.



Oh for fuck's sakes.


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## Bridechu (May 9, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> An Ounce of Vagina said:
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Also, all physical evidence aside, wouldn't it be cheaper for the government to just fly a plane into a building than invent holograms?


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## c-no (May 9, 2013)

Bridechu said:
			
		

> c-no said:
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It would be cheaper but then again, where's all the fun in that? Holograms makes things much more fun LUL!111 Seriously though, the crazy guy who believes in hologram 9/11 would be a lol-cow if he exposed his crazed thoughts to the internet where someone post it, slowly gaining trolls who try to dox him and write an article about his crazed beliefs.


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## Hyperion (May 9, 2013)

Still Rick Santorum.


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## Aiko Heiwa (May 10, 2013)

Several years back, on this one forum that I'm now perma-banned from (it was probably a really dumb idea to say that I was gonna troll the forum when I got unbanned, but such is life), but there was this one user on that board who had such a huge and unneeded sense of self-worth. The guy would *always* try and steer any conversations towards himself or his own life and would basically whine and scream (well, post in all capitals and threaten to report us) when anyone tried to rerail the conversation. And then on the serious discussion board (where you could discuss serious things like gay rights, illegal immigration, does god exist, or what's the best type of cereal), he was in the old "I'M RIGHT! EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG!!! YOU'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO STOP TROLLING ME BY HAVING DIFFERENT OPINIONS AND CALLING ME OUT ON MY BIGOTRY!!!!!!!!!" camp. Like the dude seriously fell into the camp of "All non-white races are stupider and I know this, I don't care what dumbass science says it's probably contaminated by Japs and Chinks anyway" or "Gayness is a disease and a sin because it says so in the Bible and if you don't believe in the Bible, you're going to Hell like the homo you are."

The worst part about the whole thing was that even though he was blatantly breaking the rules of the board, he was never banned because *the main admin of the goddamn board was his older brother and said that anyone who banned him would be demodded and banned for a week*.


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## c-no (May 10, 2013)

Aiko Heiwa said:
			
		

> The worst part about the whole thing was that even though he was blatantly breaking the rules of the board, he was never banned because *the main admin of the goddamn board was his older brother and said that anyone who banned him would be demodded and banned for a week*.


Seeing as how the brother showed nepotism toward his idiot of a brother, did this ever cause a furor on that forum? I'm pretty sure members would get tired of such a thing.


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## Hyperion (May 10, 2013)

Aiko Heiwa said:
			
		

> Several years back, on this one forum that I'm now perma-banned from (it was probably a really dumb idea to say that I was gonna troll the forum when I got unbanned, but such is life), but there was this one user on that board who had such a huge and unneeded sense of self-worth. The guy would *always* try and steer any conversations towards himself or his own life and would basically whine and scream (well, post in all capitals and threaten to report us) when anyone tried to rerail the conversation. And then on the serious discussion board (where you could discuss serious things like gay rights, illegal immigration, does god exist, or what's the best type of cereal), he was in the old "I'M RIGHT! EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG!!! YOU'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO STOP TROLLING ME BY HAVING DIFFERENT OPINIONS AND CALLING ME OUT ON MY BIGOTRY!!!!!!!!!" camp. Like the dude seriously fell into the camp of "All non-white races are stupider and I know this, I don't care what dumbass science says it's probably contaminated by Japs and Chinks anyway" or "Gayness is a disease and a sin because it says so in the Bible and if you don't believe in the Bible, you're going to Hell like the homo you are."
> 
> The worst part about the whole thing was that even though he was blatantly breaking the rules of the board, he was never banned because *the main admin of the goddamn board was his older brother and said that anyone who banned him would be demodded and banned for a week*.



Sounds like Rick Santorum. Really any Republican, and some Democrats though. Most Democrats, and all Republicans.


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## BALLZ-BROKEN (May 10, 2013)

Anyone who wears a fedora.


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## Henry Bemis (May 10, 2013)

BALLZ-BROKEN said:
			
		

> Anyone who wears a fedora.



I wear a fedora.


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## Saney (May 10, 2013)

Henry Bemis said:
			
		

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In that case, you might want to burn it. Fedoras are the unofficial symbol of Loveshies.


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## Henry Bemis (May 10, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

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Why should I suffer? They're the ones who suck.


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## Grand Number of Pounds (May 10, 2013)

Indiana Jones also wore a fedora.


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## YouDorks (May 11, 2013)

My grandmother is very strictly conservative, a Christian fundamentalist. She's such a sweet old lady I am forever grateful to for caring for me as a child, begetting my father and providing 1/4 of my DNA, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why she loooooooooves Rush Limbaugh. She must have lived during a time when Critical Thinking was not valued by society. She repeats talking points without providing any evidence about how Obama is Satan incarnate, how Gay Marriage is a threat to civilized society because "It's Not God's Way", how evolution is a farce, etc. When I present her with evidence that contradicts her views, she flies into an angry passion of cognitive dissonance. The sad thing is that she wasn't always like this. She clung to televangelists in the 1980s and hasn't stopped since. 

I shudder to think that I'll be old as fuck someday, religiously watching Bill O'Reilly's descendant rattle off talking points about how the legalize bestiality movement is wrong or something like that, because the fact is, there's always going to be some new social issue where people draw the line... younger generations love it, older people are absolutely repulsed. Why do so many old people choose to be ignorant and prejudiced, to acccept what they want to hear on Faux News at face value? They'd be more youthful and relateable if they got with the times in terms of social issues.


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## TL 611 (May 12, 2013)

There's this girl who was in my form in secondary school called Kaiya, I've told this story on another incarnation of the forums, but oh well.

You could blatantly see she wasn't right in the head just by lpoking at her. She used to incessantly go on about Canada because "she was from Canada". She had never _ever_ been to Canada, I can say with pretty good confidence, her parents were canadian tho. She used to do obviously stupid things like if someone said football shed go "I don't know what you're on about! Oh you mean soccer? YEAH IT'S SOCCER SOCCER SOCCER" and constantly interupt with shitty little things like that. 

She believed that she was married to legolas from LoTR. To make it worse I don't think she'd ever watched LoTR, but that doesnt matter. She would get seriously unnerved if anyone mentioned that legolas wasn't real - shed run off crying occasionally because of this. She had 2 other husbands, but I've forgotten who they were. And 11 kids... She believed this like the day I met her in year 7 (when she was 11), and as she aged it got a bit disturbing and gross, like she'd come into lessons saying stuff like "sorry I'm late, I was just in the bathroom having sex with my husband legolas". And she'd always be saying she was pregnant...

She had this weird notion that her future was to have 5 kids, and live with her parents as a housewife. Towards the end of school in year 11 (when she was 16), it was obvious that someone had told her "you're too stupid to finish school respectably, but don't worry you'll get a lot of money from the government". She was obsessed with kids, she took child development, and one of the things you have to do for that is carry a fake baby around with you for 5 days. They cry randomly, when they're hungry, when they need changing, etc. like a normal baby. You're given a censor in the form of a wristband so you can't cheat and palm it off one someone else. She left it crying for 7 of those hours, and she threw it at one of the walls in school. Apparently from the censor thing you could see that someone else had been caring for it (presumably mother so she wouldn't have to deal with the fucking screaming, those things are really annoying).

There was an open evening for our school, and someone decided that Kaiya would be the perfect example of drama in our school, so she was up on stage doing a performance. I didn't see it, but I've been told it equated to her basically doing a stupid dialogue between like 3 people by herself, wearing a Viking helmet, and doing a lot of slapstick (i.e. hitting herself).

People used to take the piss out of her all the time, but she really didn't help herself by hanging round with people who obviously didn't like her. Towards about half way through year 11, the school finally decided to punish people for picking on the retard.

About 2 months before we finished in year 11, she pulled a knife out on a girl. She was walking up to the entrance and Kaiya was waiting for her. She did the normal thing and went to a teacher going "WHAT THE FUCK KAIYAS JUST PULLED A FUCKING KNIFE OUT AT ME SHE'S A PSYCHO". Their reaction? "oh, don't make up such horrible things about Kaiya, off to EC6 (isolation, where they keep all the bad'uns) for you!

They didn't even bother to check her bag for 4 hours. When they did, they quietly let the girl out of EC6 and the head of year gave Kaiya's form (mine) a lecture;

"you may have noticed that Kaiya is a bit different to you guys, she's started wearing bright colours as a way of expressing herself..."
Erm okay? I know she's a retard, we ALL know she's a retard, we don't care what she wears. Im just a bit pissy she can get away with wearing whatever when the rest of us have a uniform.
"this is because she has aspergers..."
What? Her having aspergers means she can pull knives out on people?!
"she is very sensitive, so you guys, as her form, need to support her and be nice to her..."
We're SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. We should not have to be forced to be civil to people, we're not gonna listen anyway, plus she doesn't fucking deserve it cuz she's a horrible, self centred moron.
"blah blah blah..."
I stopped listening at that point cuz I was so fucking pissed off with the bollocking WE were getting because SHE decided she wanted to pull a knife out on someone.

Plus no way did she have aspergers. Granted, I'm quite ignorant on the subject, but I thought people with aspergers were on the higher end of the spectrum, therefore not retarded? Like I cannot stress how stupid this girl is, to the point where we've suspected her just pretending to be that stupid. But I don't think someone can persistantly act exactly the same level of retarded for so long without giving it away somehow. Plus she didn't really show many symptoms. She didn't have sensory shit, she didn't give a shit about routine (like at all, she'd always be in a different seat in every lesson, which was really annoying considering we had seating plans), no delayed motor development, no difficulty reading social cues (shed get pissy at people being snarky at her, she could pick up when people were taking the piss, she was just really really fucking stupid).


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## random_pickle (May 12, 2013)

^^^

Holy crap, I think I would sue, or at least threaten to sue, your school. I really can't stand that shit  :x


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## TL 611 (May 12, 2013)

Heh well that's not the first time someone's pulled a knife out on someone and got away with it. This chick pulled a knife out on me and my friend, we got 2 days in EC6 for "damaging her self esteem to the point she was self harming". To clarify, I'm not a bully in any way, to my knowledge this was unprovoked.

Our school was retarded. Keep all the knife wielding freaks, but someone has a party out of school where everyone gets drunk? Unacceptable, expelled.


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## sparklemilhouse (May 12, 2013)

> "she is very sensitive, so you guys, as her form, need to support her and be nice to her..."



My college pulled this shit on the daily announcement emails around finals week, for us to be nice to this autistic girl who basically just sat in the library all the time on the computer and flapped her arms around. I don't even know if she graduated.


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## NobleGreyHorse (May 14, 2013)

A fellow professor has latched onto me and, though she was genuinely helpful in a personal crisis I had in the past, has finally gone full lolcow rather than being a normal work-friend.

We have some mild religious differences. That is, she practices Vajrayana Buddhism (look it up -- the Dalai Lama is the head of one of the most prominent sects), and I practice Zen Buddhism. I wish I'd never told her I was a Buddhist, because she is always going ON and ON and ON and ON about this class she went to, and this really great teacher who showed up at her practice center, and... she's one of those members of a given religion who is devout in the sense that she absolutely must let you know how much time she spends being so fucking devout. (You know what we do in Zen? We sit on our collective ass and stare at the wall. And we shut up about it.) Her version involves a lot of visualizing shit -- one practice is to visualize your guru floating above your head, I don't even know why -- which became the last straw today.

She noticed that I was looking a little unhappy. I obligingly told her why: there is some family drama instigated by my stepmother. Tl;wt (too long, won't type).

For one thing, even more than usual, Professor Nutjob kept flipping the conversation back to herself. She has every medical problem, and she is the most persecuted and put-upon and oppressed professor in the entire university, and the conspiracy goes all the way to the president. She made sure to tell me the unflattering thing the previous department chair allegedly said about a medical condition I have.

But she couldn't keep her shit together for five minutes, seriously. Another professor came in and out rather quickly, as she had her dog with her and was on her way to go provide doggie therapy someplace. Prof. Nutjob made a big fuss over the dog and said she could tell the dog was intelligent by feeling the dog's head. (She seriously believes she can feel and remove people's pain by touching them.) She asked the dog's name: Amber. More fussing and cooing. I got to pet the dog too so it was nice enough, but Prof. Nutjob launched into a story about how she invites her neighbors' dogs over to play and lets them drink out of a special bowl and people REALLY love dogs in her neighborhood and kill me now please. As the other professor politely squeezed past Prof. Nutjob to leave, she asked the dog's name again: "Your dog is called Amy, right?" Holy no short-term memory, Batman. She told you it was "Amber" five fucking minutes ago, if that. (Also, who calls dogs "Amy"? At least Amber is an illustrious mineral like Crystal.)

So it was back to me and my problems. First there was a lot of excuse-making for my stepmother. I doggedly (get it? HAR!) plowed forward with the story, and finally Prof. Nutjob realized what every other person who has heard this ridiculous drama -- including two actual social workers and a therapist -- has realized: Stepmonster has some kind of heinous personality disorder. So then she had the solution: I must deflect my stepmother's arrows by surrounding myself with a bright, impenetrable bubble of love. I must visualize this 24/7. And then the arrows would bounce right off. I must send out love, love, love to Stepmonster at all times. Because apparently I've been _letting people victimize me my whole life._ (This, from the most persecuted, sexually harassed, career-destroyed, slapped-around professor in any department of this university. Okay then.) And I must use all this drama as a lesson in how not to be victimized.

Yeah, Prof. Nutjob, but who was phone? The call is coming from inside the house. You know who the fuck is victimizing my shit right this minute? It's you. This, dear reader, was when I finally muttered, "Ican'ttalkaboutthisrightnow," stomped back down the hall, and slammed my office door. Never again will I make the mistake of thinking that you are capable of listening to what YOU ASKED TO HEAR like a goddamn normal person.

*stress sigh* Since our offices are on the same floor, I'm just hoping she got a schedule that keeps her away from me at all times in the fall.


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## Ryan Rash (May 14, 2013)

Social justice warriors. You know, the radical feminists/transpeople/PoC who rail against the white heterocis patriarchy that makes their lives so fucking miserable, yet instead of doing a thing to improve society, they instead bitch on tumblr, since their misery is what validates their existence.

A friend of mine described it fairly accurately as a new form of bullying.


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## Bugaboo (May 14, 2013)

There was a kid in my elementary school who was... I dunno how to put it somewhere between special and "hip gangster" 
So he came into my life in grade 7 and he liked Pokemon and I liked Pokemon so we became sorta friends. Anyway I drew a bunch of Pokemon for him (which he traced and took credit for while everyone stared in awe and I didn't say amything because I'm nice) and we traded pokemon cards and other shit pokemon nerds do. Then he showed his crazy side by having temper tantrums while flipping over desks and chucking chairs. Then he had a crush on me and it was creepy because I find people being attracted to me disturbing for some reason. So flash forward to now and he's gotten in with the wrong crowd (but doesn't do anything they do just copies their style) and now he's a poser who wears his pants down to his hips and walks like a "gangsta"
Also did I mention he was banned from the anime club I was sort of forced to join. He was banned for being annoying and bothering the other members.
It's pretty fucking hard to be banned from anime club guys, and he did it.

My story isn't very exciting, you really had to know the guy.


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## random_pickle (May 14, 2013)

Ryan Rash said:
			
		

> Social justice warriors. You know, the radical feminists/transpeople/PoC who rail against the white heterocis patriarchy that makes their lives so fucking miserable, yet instead of doing a thing to improve society, they instead bitch on tumblr, since their misery is what validates their existence.
> 
> A friend of mine described it fairly accurately as a new form of bullying.



Link



> In response, Luby wrote, “What terrifies me about the admiration of such traits is that I know what it feels like to have a real life Husky look straight through you and to feel powerless, and to wonder if even the administration cannot ‘mess with them.’ And I know I am not alone.”



Da fuck?


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## Ryan Rash (May 14, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> Ryan Rash said:
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Only reasons I can think of as to why someone would think that logo has anything to do with rape is:

A) Like I mentioned earlier, she's making a mountain out of molehill

or

B) She was raped by a husky

Now that I think about it, there is another personal lolcow of mine. I won't drop his name so as to protect the identities of the innocent, but here's his story:

This guy follows a webcomic I also follow, and is a fan of the author, as am I. However, he started throwing hissyfits related to the author, begging her for commissions. He posted a butthurt post on dA about how people seem to give her art free of charge while he gets none. Eventually, it graduated to harassing her family. After that, she blocked his dumb ass.

Since then, he has made butthurt stamps on dA to the tune of "don't block for bad reasons it makes you look cowardly" and "popularity =/= license to disrespect" and "you can't choose who I can and can't talk to". He also continues to lurk around her page (can't comment on it; like I said, she blocked him) and comment on fanart people make for her.

He's also into scat.

It's a miracle this guy has gone this long without his own ED page...


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## BALLZ-BROKEN (May 14, 2013)

Social Justice tards are worse than religious tards because the religious tards do their antisocial shit out of the belief of an eternal paradise in the afterlife.  The SJ tards are just bitter that their $80k wymmymms basket weaving degree didn't get them a cushy diversity sinecure at some blogging startup.

I'd take a thousand Jack Chick's over a single Adria Richards.


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## Grabthar's Hammer (May 15, 2013)

I'm semi-active in several game show fan communities (hey, don't laugh, it's pretty harmless) and while there is always enjoyable, reasonable discussion going on, they do also tend to attract quite a few whackjobs.  Part of it is the nature of the beast--game shows are said to attract people on the Autistic spectrum due to their bright colors and extensive use of letters and numbers--but having a disability is no excuse for how some of these people conduct themselves.

The most recent example of craziness is this poster who fancies himself a "Game Show Writer, Blogger and agent."  That's the description of himself from his blog, where he writes really terrible updates on game show news.  He basically just takes info from GSN press releases and posts it in his own words, adding very annoying personal commentary and baseless opinions to go with it.

Of course there are plenty of bad blogs out there, but where he crossed the line into lolcow-ery was when he made an entry claiming that a former game show contestant had joined his blog as a "guest commentator."  But when another member of the site tweeted the person in question, she said she has never posted any blogs, ever.  This guy actually created a fake account based on a _real person_ in an attempt to give his pathetic blog more credibility.  (Unfortunately, all the fake posts related to the account have since been deleted, and the forum posts explaining all this are members-only, but you'll have to take my word for it.)  This isn't the first time he'd done something like this either; apparently he has a history of sockpuppeting on other members' blogs that make fun of him.

And that's only one member...if I can dig back and find the posts on Google Groups, I can share quite a few cases of people who take game shows--and themselves--wayyyy too damn seriously.


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## Bridechu (May 15, 2013)

A friend of mine mostly lurks the forum the infamous Jin15 is on because he's doing his thesis on the "waifu" movement and there are quite a few insane bronies with imaginary horse girlfriends there. I cannot stop looking at these people and am considering getting myself an account so I can have a front row seat.

While my favourite is a rage-filled, jealous Rarity-lover, he can't stop following this female user who's convinced Rainbow Dash is her "guardian angel". They're waiting to have sex, that's how said this relationship is. She was raised in a religious house where her parents are raging homophobic control freaks, it sounds like she had childhood cancer or something, and he's about 80% sure she was molested as a child. She's also been diagnosed with PTSD along with some other stuff. He's really torn between just observing and begging her to get help.

Also, these bronies have so many fucked up fetishes. I've been on the Internet for over a decade and they're still finding ways to offend my moral core.


----------



## Surtur (May 15, 2013)

Bridechu said:
			
		

> A friend of mine mostly lurks the forum the infamous Jin15 is on because he's doing his thesis on the "waifu" movement and there are quite a few insane bronies with imaginary horse girlfriends there. I cannot stop looking at these people and am considering getting myself an account so I can have a front row seat.
> 
> While my favourite is a rage-filled, jealous Rarity-lover, he can't stop following this female user who's convinced Rainbow Dash is her "guardian angel". They're waiting to have sex, that's how said this relationship is. She was raised in a religious house where her parents are raging homophobic control freaks, it sounds like she had childhood cancer or something, and he's about 80% sure she was molested as a child. She's also been diagnosed with PTSD along with some other stuff. He's really torn between just observing and begging her to get help.
> 
> Also, these bronies have so many fucked up fetishes. I've been on the Internet for over a decade and they're still finding ways to offend my moral core.



I have been on the internet since 1995 and it still finds ways to surprise me.


----------



## random_pickle (May 15, 2013)

BALLZ-BROKEN said:
			
		

> Social Justice tards are worse than religious tards because the religious tards do their antisocial shit out of the belief of an eternal paradise in the afterlife.  The SJ tards are just bitter that their $80k wymmymms basket weaving degree didn't get them a cushy diversity sinecure at some blogging startup.
> 
> I'd take a thousand Jack Chick's over a single Adria Richards.



I'd perfer to deal with the Social Justice warriors than religious wackjobs. With the latter, you can't real get to them because they constantly use their holy text as "evidence" and won't listen at all. I got into an argument with a fundie on DA on why homosexuals were bad. I pulled out all the stops including how the homophobic part Leviticus was in the old testament, which Christians aren't supposed to follow. The person replied back saying "gays are bad because they are bad". Considering this wasn't a troll, this made me internally rage so hard.

To be honest, I think SJWs' have three problems: 

1.) They are amazingly thin-skinned, they'll get offended by anything. I mean, take a look at the image below of one of their posts:







2.) Some of them have a victim complex, making them think they are "oppressed" and shit.

3.) Some just want others to think they are the most nicest saints in the whole freaking world.


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## Trombonista (May 15, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> BALLZ-BROKEN said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So cissexism is bad, but calling a woman a bitch is A-OK?

I hope that's a troll.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (May 15, 2013)

SoupHotelDetective said:
			
		

> game shows are said to attract people on the Autistic spectrum due to their bright colors and extensive use of letters and numbers--but having a disability is no excuse for how some of these people conduct themselves.
> 
> The most recent example of craziness is this poster who fancies himself a "Game Show Writer, Blogger and agent."  That's the description of himself from his blog, where he writes really terrible updates on game show news.  He basically just takes info from GSN press releases and posts it in his own words, adding very annoying personal commentary and baseless opinions to go with it.



That blog is chock full of no one curr. 

The game show autistics seem to have the best commercial breaks on youtube though.


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## cypocraphy (May 15, 2013)

SJW's seem to think that being offended equals oppression....


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## BALLZ-BROKEN (May 17, 2013)

trombonista said:
			
		

> So cissexism is bad, but calling a woman a bitch is A-OK?
> 
> I hope that's a troll.



That's the way those people think.  You see, being born with a womb and ovaries is sexist by its nature.  And if I castrate myself and take some estrogen I'll be a woman.  In fact, I'll be more than a woman because I had to face CIS PRIVILEGE and possibly RACISM while SNATCH-HAVERS are flaunting their goods!


----------



## Ryan Rash (May 18, 2013)

These SJWs and the pronouns they pull out their ass, I swear.

It's okay if you consider yourself non-binary, but for the sake of simplicity, PLEASE use pronouns that don't sound like the names of aliens from a Saturday morning cartoon. XP


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## Himawari (May 19, 2013)

I'm too tired to write something eloquent about him, but

Witchan

just

Witchan

(I don't suggest reading anything he writes, but if you're feeling brave enough to, I suggest "Prancing around," "Mammoth Harem," and/or "An illegal relationship" for maximum... hilarity?)


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## Long Sun (May 19, 2013)

Senator Patrick "The Brazman" Brazeau did it for me before I cut way back following his arrest for beating and sexual assulting his girlfriend, but the fact the he went on and on about accountability will 1) Failing to pay child support 2) False claim resident to gain more expenise 3) lying about living on reaseve so as not to pay taxes 4) Telling people to get jobs while have the worst attendance of any Canadian senator.
https://twitter.com/TheBrazman
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Brazeau


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## c-no (May 19, 2013)

ForeverAlonePonyfag said:
			
		

> As a high-functioning autistic male, I think I myself would be considered a lolcow per my shitty social and vocabulary skills and the way I was tormented and mistreated in middle and high school.
> 
> My IRL trolling saga started around sixth grade when the kids at my middle school harassed me on a daily basis by making these hissing noises until I started yelling and screaming at them to stop and they would laugh at my reactions while the adult staff stood by and didn't do shit. My parents and I even tried to report them to the principal and deans, who not to my surprise didn't do anything to deal with the situation either. I also had an irrational fear of my Niggo geography teacher Mr. Thurman to the point where I once hid under a desk crying.
> 
> ...


I gotta say, I kinda pity ya due to what you had to put up with, even then you kinda have it coming when you do annoy and stalk people who want you to leave them alone, then again you had autism. Still, that Jimmy guy does seem like a douche even if one said it was justified due to alledgedly hitting on his sister, the boyfriend didn't really have to attack when they could have just grabbed ya and tell ya to stop. Still, reading your story kinda makes me feel like that I myself could of been lolcow material. I gone through the fundie phase in private religious middle school, being a hypocrite who didn't know much about the his own beliefs. I was also something of an annoyance to a small few students in my class, and if someone said I was gay, I would pretty much act like Chris but with less rage. Thank God I managed to get out that when I entered high school, even if it was a slow process.


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## Da Pickle Monsta (May 19, 2013)

I was quasi-stalked by a lolcow a few years ago.

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Wetflame  (note: it looks like Wetflame tried to edit his ED page and it hasn't been reverted.)

Wetflame went by the name "Kittie Rose" on a number of Transformer fan forums several years ago.  Basically, he/she'd come into message boards, complain about the new Transformer movie robot designs, and claim that everybody who told him to shut up where "internet fascists" who were "brainwashed by Michael Bay" into "liking things because we're sheeple."  He also fucking _loved_ to use the term "strawman" incorrectly.

Wetflame was infuriating to talk to, because he would turn all of your opinions that differed from his in the slightest into a personal attack.  Then he would bring up about how he was supposedly tested for MENSA when he was child and participated in a debate team, and since his debating skills were obviously superior to ours, use this as an excuse to not defend his viewpoint as all.

Wetflame fulfilled nearly every LOLcow criteria:

1.) Obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog
2.) Practicing cross-dresser with an exceptionally poor grasp on gender identity
3.) Running to his hugbox on Usenet when people were mean to him
4.) Claiming intellectual superiority with no basis in fact
5.) Egotistical prick
6.) Unemployed and living on welfare
7.) Self-proclaimed Assburgers and used it as an excuse at every conceivable turn

Anyway, I pissed him off and he followed me around to several other message boards trying to harass me.  He was eventually banned from every message board that I frequented, and I thankfully haven't had to deal with his stupidity for years.


----------



## Great Unclean Chris (May 20, 2013)

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Hayakain A furfag, Tartlet, Weeaboo, pedofork, and one of the best new Lolcows IMO

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Ahuviya_Harel https://encyclopediadramatica.se/ADF-Fuensalida (these 2 are the one and the same) If Chris were a hipster, liberal, Communist, maoist, narutard then he'd be this guy, btw just like A-log he hates Chris's guts to

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Snapesnogger Another Tartlet bitch, that draws Naga herms, and M-preg shit, with a personal army matched only by her ego

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Onigojirakaiju Chrissy's long lost Filipino twin

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/SephirothPrincess941 Some retarded 16-year-old girl, that thinks hetero, and lesbian love is evil, disgusting and wrong, yet gay man love beautiful right.

well thats all the LOLcows that I can think of that were entertaining to me. Hope you guys get a kick out of them as much as I did


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## Tomboy (May 21, 2013)

I remember being into Chasethehedgehog a few years back, and actually through him is how I discovered Chris. 
He's not a lolcow anymore since he's pretty much died out, but a few years back he was huge on dA. His horrible MSPaint Sonic recolors attracted a lot of attention, and because of this he got a ton of dA pageviews. He eventually reached 100,000 pageviews, all from people laughing at him and his "art." His ego inflated to gargantuan levels because of it, and he thought he was one of the best artists on dA, and no one could tell him otherwise. He also had dreams of becoming a dA admin because of it.

DisneyFan01 or whatever her username was, was another dA lolcow I used to stalk, but again she's not in the light as much as she was a few years ago. She had cringe-worthy drawings of her Mary-Sue as the girlfriend of a character from Treasure Planet and traced a lot of her art. She also had dreams of becoming a 2D animator and bringing back 2D animation from the dead. (Mind you, I'm an animator, 2D is not dead, and the medium of the animation doesn't matter, it's how the story is told that matters. Being in animation school apparently, she should know this...unless it was a crappy school.) Her art and animations were pretty bad. She also wrote bad fanfiction called "Faithful Hearts" or some shit that was basically a ripoff of Kingdom Hearts.


----------



## Springblossom (May 21, 2013)

A girl that was in my high school graduating class, let's call her Ashley. She spent pretty much her entire public school career in special ed classes. If I was to guess, she had some kind of minor autistic-spectrum disorder. Nobody liked to talk to her because she didn't get social courtesy; saying 'Hi' to her would make her start trying way too hard to be friends with you. The only ones who would really tolerate her for a long time were the janitors, and she hung out with them a lot. She was also really, really annoying and had a body odor problem, because lolcows always do.

After she graduated, she went full lolcow. I think she took some kind of class at a local community college, but probably didn't make anything of it. She started bouncing around on local dead-end cashier type jobs. My mom is friends with a manager of a local CVS where she worked, and according to the manager, she was a good worker for a few months, then she started showing up late, calling out, starting fights with coworkers, etc.

She also has major problems with her family. Her sister outright hates her, and even her mother is fed up with her. She's always trying to drag her coworkers into her issues; my mom heard from her old boss that she once got into an argument with a co-worker about her family. Said co-worker was giving her a ride at the time, and when the co-worker refused to get involved and told Ashley to do it herself, Ashley _tried to jump out of the car._

Also, she's still stuck in high school. She goes to all the plays and sports games they put on, and is always trying to talk about it to anyone she went to school with. My sister is in the school's theater program, and every time I go to see one of the plays, Ashley 'runs into' me and always tries to talk about old times like we were friends (spoiler:we weren't).


----------



## Bugaboo (May 21, 2013)

Tomboy said:
			
		

> I remember being into Chasethehedgehog a few years back, and actually through him is how I discovered Chris.
> He's not a lolcow anymore since he's pretty much died out, but a few years back he was huge on dA. His horrible MSPaint Sonic recolors attracted a lot of attention, and because of this he got a ton of dA pageviews. He eventually reached 100,000 pageviews, all from people laughing at him and his "art." His ego inflated to gargantuan levels because of it, and he thought he was one of the best artists on dA, and no one could tell him otherwise. He also had dreams of becoming a dA admin because of it.
> 
> DisneyFan01 or whatever her username was, was another dA lolcow I used to stalk, but again she's not in the light as much as she was a few years ago. She had cringe-worthy drawings of her Mary-Sue as the girlfriend of a character from Treasure Planet and traced a lot of her art. She also had dreams of becoming a 2D animator and bringing back 2D animation from the dead. (Mind you, I'm an animator, 2D is not dead, and the medium of the animation doesn't matter, it's how the story is told that matters. Being in animation school apparently, she should know this...unless it was a crappy school.) Her art and animations were pretty bad. She also wrote bad fanfiction called "Faithful Hearts" or some shit that was basically a ripoff of Kingdom Hearts.


I love the ED article for DisneyFan01 and that other chick who's in love with Timon and hates the Lion King musical but always goes to see it for some reason.


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## Yawning Bulbasaur (May 22, 2013)

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Superlisamcb Asspie girl who draws horrendously bright pink recolors of characters from various media that she calls "Niggis" and that totally don't look like Prickle and Goo from Gumby. Claims that she can actually see them with her third eye or something and "ZOMG I'm not a racist that's just what they're called".

Her deviantART http://niggithor.deviantart.com/


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## cypocraphy (May 25, 2013)

People who think that if you ask an undercover cop if they're a cop, they have to say yes.


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## sparklemilhouse (May 26, 2013)

Food Network's Sandra Lee. Just watch some of her on youtube.


----------



## José Mourinho (May 26, 2013)

ForeverAlonePonyfag said:
			
		

> https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Superlisamcb Asspie girl who draws horrendously bright pink recolors of characters from various media that she calls "Niggis" and that totally don't look like Prickle and Goo from Gumby. Claims that she can actually see them with her third eye or something and "ZOMG I'm not a racist that's just what they're called".
> 
> Her deviantART http://niggithor.deviantart.com/





> niggi means natures intelligent graceful gorugoes innocence.



What.



> Legend of Zelda: Link Travels In The Niggi Castle Ages
> 
> We all know in the castle ages Niggies were quite the naughty buggers and still are today. In the castle ages Niggies were a bit too freely indulged in lets say, MATING. Now today Niggies are a lil more logical and know where to have thier private time, but back in the castle ages it was like a giant announcement that spread all over the society. Pink Niggi women were allowed to walk around the castle half nude, which today its called slutty but more tight then in the castle ages where it was like TOO MUCH. Today in some parts Dahlia its still happening, but aslong as we don't have to see it every day were ok and will deal with the fact. Anyway, human Link enters The Niggi Castle ages where he sees many Pink Niggi women walking around all Promiscuous, The brown Niggi women seem to hide. A pink Niggi lady spots Link and likes what she sees, he notices she has her eyes on him. "Hey baby" she says to Link, he looks at her and smiles. A grey Niggi man appeared beside her. "Hey you shall give her sweet love" he says to Link. He realizes the Niggies in the castle ages were quite how can we say HORNY. Link feels if he doesn't do so he'll get introuble noticing the Niggi guards by the gate. "You shall come here, so you and the Pink Niggi mistress shall mate" The grey Niggi guy leads him to. They lead in a room with some beds, Link feels very wierd and has no idea what to do. The grey niggi guy leaves the room, leaving it to just Link and some Pink Niggi mistress. The pink Niggi mistress looks at Link and says "Hump me" while giggling. A tanned Niggi guy comes in the room and sees Link. "She wants you to give her your sweet love" he says to Link. The tanned Niggi guy leaves the room, and Link kisses the Pink Niggi mistress. THEY MAKE SWEET LOVE!
> 
> ...



What did I just read?


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## c-no (May 26, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> Food Network's Sandra Lee. Just watch some of her on youtube.


Sandra Lee? Do you mean the lady who made a meatloaf that ended up looking like a giant turd. The same woman who is known for also having cocktails or "russipies (recipies that vodka.)?


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## MysticMisty (May 26, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> sparklemilhouse said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If it's the same woman I'm thinking of, she showed how to turn boring store-bought angel food cakes into questionable holiday-related angel food cakes.


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## sparklemilhouse (May 26, 2013)

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_t ... ry=0&page=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqiF8_2xWkI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce40YCHysVM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awCHJSfZWd8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCU1Nuct0t8

Our dummy Sandra Lee.


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## c-no (May 26, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> http://www.youtube.com/results?search_type=search_videos&search_query=sandra+lee&search_sort=relevance&search_category=0&page=
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqiF8_2xWkI
> 
> ...


Ah alright, now I remember who you speak of. Speaking of Sandra Lee, here is a funny video of her
[youtube]RLMNZ6xY6YY[/youtube]


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## hm yeah (May 27, 2013)

Sometimes I swear, the people with the crazy gender stuff and the 3 sets of neutral pronouns (isn't that a bit much? Wouldn't one suffice? Still sounds too weird to use, but at least it's just one and...oh, whatever) come up with all of this crazy convoluted, nonsensical, super confusing shit just to make people confused so they can then be offended by the IGNORANCE and INTOLERANCE of the confused person who has never even heard of this weird gender stuff.

...In short, I get the feeling they're making it as confusing as possible for the sole purpose of being able to get offended over it.


----------



## cypocraphy (May 27, 2013)

It's hilarious that people think being "offended" is the absolute worst thing that can happen to them.


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## TL 611 (May 28, 2013)

Oh my god I forgot about two other freaks in my college -
*1.Pony Dan*.


Spoiler



He's this guy who went to my school. In school he was just a reject. You know, he didn't really have many friends, but people put up with him. He was a bit naive and a bit sensitive but whatever. My friend Jack once made him cry because he said "you are not related to King George V". He got in a lot of trouble for making him cry, but whatever. 

*In college he became a fucking MLP fan.* He's the only "Brony" I know IRL (I know a couple 16 year old girls who watch it casually, but not actual Bronies)

He wears the same MLP t-shirt every day, some black thing with a pink pony on it. He tells everyone how much he loves this shirt because it came from America and it was $17.99. He wears this along with some cheapo sweatpants and a trilby. _every. day_.

He sits in the Atrium (college name for like... a common room I guess? Where everyone hangs out) with his laptop and speakers, very rudely blasting out episodes of MLP:FIM, loud enough to piss people off. 

When he starts his PC up, one of the ponies runs across the windows start up screen.

He constantly forces this on random people, it's fucking weird. Pretty harmless but weird.

Anyway the other day he was sat next to me in an exam, and the series of events stuck with me cuz it was so fucking stupid. 

The invigilators asked "does anybody need any equipment for their exam?"
He put his hand up and said "yeah I need a protractor". He had a protractor. The invigilator said this to him and asked "did you mean compass?"
"No, protractor." he really quite aggressively replied.
The girl sat on the other side of him said, quite bemused "you've got a protractor." He just ignored her.
When the invigilator came over to give him a protractor he was like "what!? I asked for a protractor!" The invigilator just walked off.
All the way through the exam he was making weird fucking snorting noises and stuff, and the way he was sitting reminded me of Chris so much for some reason.
When he left the exam to collect his stuff, he pulled out a fucking pony toy out of his bag and fucking started talking to it.

Now I really try to avoid Pony Dan because he always fucking tries to talk to me for some unknown reason, but he does it in a really awkward way. Like he'll walk past me and then say hello once he's _going through a door to leave the room_. So I just hear random "hey Melchett!" 's all the time. I've learnt to not respond because if I do, he could run back in the room to spout nonsense at me.

He thinks he's some major influential member of society. This is because at the beginning of the year we had to elect a representative of our form to go to these bollocks college meetings. Ain't nobody got time for that, I believe the kids say, so we elected him to spare ourselves pain.

Oh my god that was an unwise decision. Every Thursday he moans on and on at us about bollocks we don't care about. Ooh the further education building is getting a microwave - I don't give a fuck, _I don't even know where that building is_. Ooh Pony Dans organised a protest in the town centre - I don't give a fuck, _nobody's going to go_, etc.

He gets the piss taken out of him occasionally, but people have just started plain ignoring him. This is because they know if they start making fun of him, he'll start talking to them all the time.

He once told us all that he had never masturbated.

He also once asked me (OUT OF THE BLUE) whether he should get a C-Card (an initiative to give out free condoms) because "you never know when you get lucky   "

I have to say to my embarrassment, at that point I made a very loud, shrill scream. It wasn't good, in a room full of people.


*2.Pedo Cameron/Pedobear*


Spoiler



Pedo Cameron went to a nearby school when a lot of this went down so what I've heard is second-hand, but I've heard it from literally everyone in that school.

He's a very slight chap, ginger and gangly. He's a space invader too, which makes it more uncomfortable.
He made a few faux friends because his parents grow weed, and he could manage to nick an eight a week without them noticing. 
This was until year 9, which is about the age of 14.
He had given his iPod to someone, and they had decided to take some pictures on it.
When they were browsing through looking at the photos, they came across a folder called "porn."
Can you guess what was in it?
He had mixed actual pictures of porn (i.e. off the internet) with pictures of _every girl in his year_. He had taken all of the pictures off of facebook. He'd even photoshopped a few of them.
Of course he got away scot-free. The girls were given an hour long lesson in "internet safety and stranger danger".
then 2 years passed and everyone was just about getting over it when he had a party.
He bought a lot of beer, and was handing it out. 
He drank one can and tried to get with every girl there. Everyone was too drunk to notice that night but the days after everyone pieced their stories together.
He had been quite violent with one girl, breaking a locket necklace a dead relative had given her in an effort to feel her up.
Then after he realised he couldn't get with anyone he snuck into a girls tent when she was asleep.
At least he thought she was asleep, she wasn't and she hadn't been drinking (she didn't feel well so she retired to a tent early).
Basically put, and sorry for being crude, he started wanking behind her in a sleeping bag, with his other hand around her hip. She moved him twice. 
After this all came out, everyone fucking hated him.
He gets shouted at a lot in the street. 
Ive seen people throw packets of sweets at him saying "here's your bait for your next victim" and shit like that.
The bastard deserves it.

Now he's come to college he's not got any real friends. He still gets abuse, and we made sure this girl called Kirsten knew when Cameron was trying to get in with her (despite the fact she had a boyfriend at the time). 

However, the fucker managed to find a girlfriend and shes totally and utterly unaware of it all. I've told ALL her friends in a desperate attempt for her to find out, but nobody wants to be the shit stirrer. She's very very childish, and looks a bit retarded. She had a fringe that literally looked like it was cut by a drunk man with Parkinson's and she talks like a 5 year old.

He's always like attached to her, it's sickening.



Turns out there's a lot of drama where I am... I really wish I was making Pedo Cameron up tho


----------



## hm yeah (May 28, 2013)

Melchett said:
			
		

> Oh my god I forgot about two other freaks in my college -



I want to subscribe to you.

I knew some weirdos in high school, but pretty harmless stuff. This one midget kid had a habit of always materializing right behind me. I could be alone, then turn around and look down...

..._and there he was_.

Sometimes he'd announce his presence with "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" but sometimes he would just be really sneeeaky.

I never actually got his name, cttoi.


----------



## TL 611 (May 28, 2013)

I often forget that these people aren't every day annoyances, but really quite exceptionally scary to the outside world.

The harmless ones are more heartwarming, I love them. There's this guy called Tom in college who just wanders around every day shaking hands with everyone and saying "hello, my name's Tom. Nice to meet you." I've shook his hand like 20 times since joining college .


----------



## hm yeah (May 28, 2013)

Actually, my dad had one he referenced several years ago, and my mom laughed her ass off at being reminded.

"SAY HI TO FLOYD"

Apparently, this Floyd was a strange little individual who stood on street corners, wearing a sandwich sign that said "SAY HI TO FLOYD". He'd just wave at people.

And that's all I know about this mysterious person.


----------



## NobleGreyHorse (May 28, 2013)

When my parents moved us to a university town in the middle of Pennsylvania so they could teach at a large, well-known land-grant university with a pedo assistant football coach... *cough*PennState*cough* they bought a house in a subdivision called Park Forest, which had the Park Forest Foot Fetishist. He was a middle-aged man, very clearly retarded, who would greet people, shake hands, introduce himself politely, and then, if you were a girl, he would kneel and inspect your feet on any pretext he could get. Maybe you had an untied shoelace, or maybe he wanted to look at your toenail polish. One time, when I was wearing sandals and had something wrong with my big toenail -- I can't remember, I think I'd stubbed the toe and the nail was coming loose -- he actually got quite agitated about it, and hoped desperately that it would be all better very, very soon. 

My sister and I both moved away from that town after college, so I don't know what ever happened to the guy. He was obviously capable of independent living to the extent that he was allowed to roam town -- I actually bumped into him on campus once, so he must have been decently familiar with taking the bus. He asked my name then, although it was about the umpteenth time I'd met him, and then he got quite offended because my name is fairly common and he thought I was giving him a fake one. I did stop short of whipping out my ID to prove it.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (May 29, 2013)

"Vendetta Moms" bug the hell out of me. You know the kind, they want the whole world to turn on their head just to appease the needs of their child. 

I found a bunch if stories here:
http://www.autismwebsite.com/autismdisc ... ories.html

The lady at the hotel restaurant who let her autistic kid scream all through breakfast made my eyes roll out of my head.


----------



## Saney (May 29, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> "Vendetta Moms" bug the hell out of me. You know the kind, they want the whole world to turn on their head just to appease the needs of their child.
> 
> I found a bunch if stories here:
> http://www.autismwebsite.com/autismdisc ... ories.html
> ...


That Kaitlyn Baksedent girl sounds remarkabl similar to YuetheDragon.


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## NobleGreyHorse (May 29, 2013)

I dunno. Maybe I read different stories, but in many of those cases, it was absolutely believable that -- just for example -- one dickweed teacher could ruin a special needs kid's whole school experience, or that school officials would refuse to enforce IEPs (Individualized Education Plans) that called for some kind of help with social skills training. It's hard enough to get through public schools in the US if you're quote-unquote "normal" and don't have any detectable disabilities. Trying to get through a school system when a kid has multiple issues (like the one where the program for the blind refused to take the kid because he had autism, and vice versa) must be an ungodly nightmare. It's hard to attract and keep good teachers when the person could make more money mucking out horse stalls, and still have to deal with less shit.


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## sparklemilhouse (May 30, 2013)

^ oh I know, a lot of those stories were not lolcow worthy, but some of the stores had some self righteous parents (like Borb) though.

>>He wears the same MLP t-shirt every day, some black thing with a pink pony on it. He tells everyone how much he loves this shirt because it came from America and it was $17.99. He wears this along with some cheapo sweatpants and a trilby. every. day.<<

I picture this dude looking exactly like A-log. I guess because A-Log seems to like hats too. 

What is Pony Dan's major?


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## Saney (May 31, 2013)

Xiao-Fury, a homophobic fundy doucherag. Behold.
http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Sca ... -265470119
http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Con ... -266066231
http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Con ... -266071997
http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Pre ... -266290753
http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Res ... -366908567 

What a cunt.


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## random_pickle (May 31, 2013)

^^^^

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about her. Her shenanigans has appeared more than once on I-Call-Bull.


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## teheviltwin (May 31, 2013)

There is currently one particularly tempting person I'm aware of. Unfortunately I am part of the same community and wouldn't want to get caught up in a drama shit-storm.

Her wonderful traits include:

Absolute inability to handle any criticism.
Documented liar to the point where it borders on compulsive.
Extreme drama queen (uses overly dramatic terminology i.e. a person didn't give her constructive criticism they TORTURED her) much like OPL.
Is nearly 30 and still a virgin.
Looks like the arse end of a deformed donkey but refuses to date men who aren't going to provide her with "genetically superior" children.
Has been known to stalk and harass men to the point of threatening to travel to another country.
Despite being a pretty good artist is still known to cut corners and copy-paste or trace details/backgrounds.

And many, many other wonderful quirks...


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## Yawning Squirtle (Jun 1, 2013)

There was this guy who I went to high school with. He was in my class. There was definitely something weird about him.

He tried to socialize with people, but it was really awkward; so he was constantly made fun of. I remember he always had one fixed conversation topic to each person he talked to! Like, he knew I watched The Simpsons (I wasn't a huge Simpsons fan, but we probably talked about it for some reason at some time, and he just latched on to it) so he'd ask me about The Simpsons every day. Every day, for years. "Hey dude, what's up? What about that Simpsons episode, uh?". And it's not like he was trying to find common ground for conversation, he'd just bring up the Simpsons and leave.

There was this friend of mine, we hung out in high school. He liked cars. The guy discovered my friend was into cars, so he started talking about cars with him. Every day. We eventually discovered it was like this for everyone in class, and started talking about it, even trying some armchair psychology of ours to find out wtf was up with him.

Today I figure it could be some kind of autism or something. Socially awkward + looking for patterns in stuff, etc. But he wasn't scary like some people you guys posted in here, just weird and kinda funny/creepy.


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## BigBoss (Jun 1, 2013)

I think it's a safe bet to say that everyone's most embarrassing and perhaps _least_ favorite Lolcows were themselves in their weeaboo stage.


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## sparklemilhouse (Jun 1, 2013)

This guy I saw up at target today wearing a my little pony shirt...and somehow I could tell that he wasn't wearing it as a joke.


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## BigBoss (Jun 1, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> This guy I saw up at target today wearing a my little pony shirt...and somehow I could tell that he wasn't wearing it as a joke.



Was it the neckbeard, the stench, and the way he carried himself that gave it away, or was it the fedora and the stereotypical misogynistic tendencies?


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## Rio (Jun 1, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> Xiao-Fury, a homophobic fundy doucherag. Behold.
> http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Sca ... -265470119
> http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Con ... -266066231
> http://xiao-fury.deviantart.com/art/Con ... -266071997
> ...


Holy shit. I just read a bit of the comment sections in the things you linked. She's really ignorant, isn't she? It seems like she goes out of her way to avoid learning about diversity.


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## Plissken (Jun 1, 2013)

I mainly go after extremists of any sort, such as political (liberals (especially liberals) and conservatives) religious (bible thumping catholics, extreme athiests,), mainly because they are intolerant douchebags and are in dire need of smacktard fumigation


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## Saney (Jun 1, 2013)

Rio said:
			
		

> Saney said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh yeah, not to mention stubborn and dumb as rocks. Anytime someone starts to beat her in an argument, she just ignores them. Or she just goes "No, you!".


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## Great Unclean Chris (Jun 1, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> This guy I saw up at target today wearing a my little pony shirt...and somehow I could tell that he wasn't wearing it as a joke.




Dude this is typical brony behavior, they have no shame in showing their faggotry in public

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahSML8WhhKs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6lkkmWjo_8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRJh8j3ln-8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_aRKeDfqYo

Autism and virginity at its finest


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## sparklemilhouse (Jun 2, 2013)

BigBoss said:
			
		

> sparklemilhouse said:
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> 
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It was the way he carried himself.  No hat, no neckbeard, but you could tell something was  ... Up with him.


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## Himawari (Jun 3, 2013)

Here's a meltdown I found on some random person's Fanfiction.net profile while doing some googling.



> I am on hiatus. I hate you all. Yes, even the ones I've never met and am unlikely to meet. I HATE EVERYONE. I'm not talking to anyone. I'm not writing ANYTHING, I'm not even going to bother socialising anymore I am going to sit in my room and ANGST. Hell, I may even try and paint it black. JUST TO PISS PEOPLE OFF!
> 
> Why, you ask?
> 
> ...


Got a laugh out of me, at least.


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## Plissken (Jun 4, 2013)

Himawari said:
			
		

> Here's a meltdown I found on some random person's Fanfiction.net profile while doing some googling.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wow, ok, the teachers not helping him while he's in highschool I can understand to an extent (still no excuse for this behavior), if it was college, not so much. As for the birthday bit, has he ever considered that maybe his parents maybe had alot on their minds? Heck, my dad forgets my age some times, but again, he has alot to do every day, so I can't expect him to remember EVERYTHING.


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## hm yeah (Jun 4, 2013)

^ gotta say, that's the most selfish 16 year old I've ever heard of. Ever. In just a few paragraphs.

Anyway, lol bronies. As I've said before, I just love how "brony" sounds at first like a dudebro with other dudebros who just so happen to enjoy the cartoon for one reason or another. Making time in their busy schedule of beer, Xbox, and partying (and having girlfriends) to celebrate pastel cartoon ponies. And instead, they are the exact opposite of dudebros in every single way. "horsefucker" sounds like Mr. Hands, or someone that at least has a sex life _at all_. I'm surprised no one came up with a name that fits them better.

I'd like to know why assholes like bronies and loveshies had to go and ruin a perfectly nice type of hat. That wasn't very nice of them.


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## NobleGreyHorse (Jun 6, 2013)

Ableism is a thing, but Riley cannot be explained in any way. They are mean as a snake and used to go by several different LiveJournal names, including gisei_nashi_ni, I think, in order to practice said assholery. If WOC do not agree with Riley sufficiently, Riley accuses them of being secretly white or "white-identified," i.e. the female equivalent of Uncle Tom. They also go on and on about how Arkh was going to be so totally diverse, but (a) all of the characters are still thin, conventionally pretty people who look like JRPG characters; (b) one is nominally Japanese but wearing a cheongsam for no good reason; (c) no matter the sex or gender of people in relationships, said relationships still follow stereotyped dom/sub, seme/uke/whatever gender role patterns... Riley is so Doin It Rong that fellow activists are sick of them.


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## sparklemilhouse (Jun 9, 2013)

I reread this thread, and I thought I brought up Billy, but maybe that was the old forum. 

Billy shot himself in the foot the second week of middle school by ... pooping himself in gym class. He was playing basketball and the poop kinda just snuck out, past our school issued gold gym shorts. I didn't see the incident sadly. A friend also said that Billy panic dumped in the locker room too. 

All through the rest of middle school everybody called Billy "doo doo". Which I know sounds horrible, but man, Billy deserved it. Billy was so annoying. I saw it first hand when I was stuck with him in 8th grade, all day except for elective and gym. Billy tried so hard to be cool, but nobody is going to like a tattletale. He was always running to our vice principal about being bullied, but it was just for minor shit. I wish I remembered examples. 

One day this big kid, Woodrow had enuff. Billy was trying to be badass and he was pestering Woodrow. Woodrow was a pretty calm, professional kid. He calmly pushed billy aside and kept on walking. Billy pitched a shit fit and began crying and he ran to the vice principals office, I think, can't remember. We all were like "wtf" and walked to our final class of the day. 

You know, we were just sitting in reading class doing our assignments on The Pigman, when suddenly, the door flies open, and Billy yells "*you better watch your back, Woodrow!!!* and waddle runs out the other door in the portable classroom we were in. Everybody in the class fucking DIED. We were all red faced, tears down our faces. 

There was an alleged poop incident either a few weeks before or after, can't remember. Sitting in math class, doing math, bullsshitting, when we all smelled something. More substantial than a fart. Billy ran out. He missed school for a while. 

He made it a semester at our high school until him and his folks hightailed it to California. He gave me a rose once freshman year. Fucking gross.


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## AtroposHeart (Jun 9, 2013)

Okay, I will share what I know of this one girl that me and my friend know. Let's call her Ginny-Chan. My friend is a fanfiction writer and a rather popular one. She wrote a retailing of the Hades/Persephone myth on the Greek mythology section of Fanfiction.net and later she self-published it (Don't worry it was good; not like Glora Tesch) anyway she friended her on facebook through her author account she made (She had a seperate account for family and real life friends) 

Anyway, Ginny-Chan messaged her and they got to talking and she mentioned that she liked post by post rpging. I should note I also rpg with this friend. Anyway, right off the back she turned out to be a shitty rpger and always demanded to be the female (they mainly do couple rpgs) and the female she played would be annoying, whining, bitchy, and would always try to provoke the male into _raping_ her. Ginny-Chan has a serious rape fetish and one time they were rpging my friend got so annoyed at her female that she wrote (OOC) that she wanted to smack the girl and Ginny-chan said go ahead.

Well, besides being a shitty rpger with a rape fetish. She was also a liar and would constantly lie even in the face of evidence contrary to her claims. Here is an example. I once chatted with her on facebook about rpging (I was morbidly curious) and I said I didn't do smut (sex) and a few months later she claimed that I said I was against kissing in rpgs. I once trolled her, but that's another story.

My friend is on the forums. If she wants to she can fell you in on more about Ginny-Chan. Since most our my interactions with Ginny-Chan have been brief and most of what I hear is second hand info.


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## Surtur (Jun 9, 2013)

I can never undertsand rape fetishs.


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## BT 075 (Jun 9, 2013)

AtroposHeart said:
			
		

> Okay, I will share what I know of this one girl that me and my friend know. Let's call her Ginny-Chan. My friend is a fanfiction writer and a rather popular one. She wrote a retailing of the Hades/Persephone myth on the Greek mythology section of Fanfiction.net and later she self-published it (Don't worry it was good; not like Glora Tesch) anyway she friended her on facebook through her author account she made (She had a seperate account for family and real life friends)
> 
> Anyway, Ginny-Chan messaged her and they got to talking and she mentioned that she liked post by post rpging. I should note I also rpg with this friend. Anyway, right off the back she turned out to be a shitty rpger and always demanded to be the female (they mainly do couple rpgs) and the female she played would be annoying, whining, bitchy, and would always try to provoke the male into _raping_ her. Ginny-Chan has a serious rape fetish and one time they were rpging my friend got so annoyed at her female that she wrote (OOC) that she wanted to smack the girl and Ginny-chan said go ahead.
> 
> ...



Ginny Chan and Chris Chan...  for some reason this seems so, so natural! Could this potentially be Chrystal's mother?


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## AtroposHeart (Jun 9, 2013)

Satan said:
			
		

> Ginny Chan and Our Pet Lolcow...  for some reason this seems so, so natural! Could this potentially be Chrystal's mother?



Actually, my friend and I have discussed the possibly of setting them up on a blind date. They are both in Virgina


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## sparklemilhouse (Jun 9, 2013)

Forgot one part about Billy, in the early MySpace days, when I was 21, I looked him up. He had turned into a Jiggalo-like person, wanna be gangster.


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## Saney (Jun 9, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> I didn't see the incident sadly.


Why...why would you want to?


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## CalmMyTits (Jun 9, 2013)

Hi9. I'm AtroposHeart's friend, and the one who was unfortunate enough to rp with Ginny-chan. What Atropos said was right, Ginny-Chan was really into rape rps. She ALWAYS wanted me to play the male. Now, I do not mind being the male sometimes, but she wanted me to assume the male/dominant role ALL the time and it was like trying to pull out teeth to get a turn as the female. She also wanted me (as my male characters) to be very dominant to the point of being rape-y. her female characters, whether they were original characters or in a fandom that we both enjoyed, were always stupid cunts. I kid you not. When I tried to be firm with her (in the rp) by say, disciplining her or even throwing her in the dungeon (this was when i played a king) her character continued to be willfully defiant, and in ways that a sane person would find unproductive to the situation. I soon realized that she made her characters do this to provoke my character into becoming more harsh with her. This happened with pretty much any rp we did. I later learned from her that she had a sub fetish and enjoyed being spanked and tied up in real life.

I don't judge people who are submissives (or doms) but I've never really been into the D/s scene. I had no desire to be part of her fetishes or fantasies as they were too much for me, and I told her she needed to find a rp partner more suited to her tastes. I explained to her that I did not enjoy what she wanted, and that I was tired of playing the same thing over and over with different couples. She kept saying she only wanted to play with me and that I was the bestest rper ever. She could never take no for an answer, and would continue to whine and badger me.

Regarding my book, she enjoyed the original version of it I had posted online at FFN. I took it down to refine and edit it into a book, and she asked that I sell her a copy ahead of time. I said no because this would not be fair to my other fans. She kept whining and begging, not caring that I told her that it would be wrong for me to do this. She is a selfish bitch who always wants what she wants, and explanations do not sway her, she just steamrolls over them and just keeps begging and whining. I have already published my first book, and am about to release my second in a couple of weeks. She begged me to again release a copy to her early. Again I said no. Again she whines and begs. She has no tact or respect. I had to block her off Facebook, but she finds me on AIM and recently she really ground my gears with begging for the second book. I blocked her. This caused her to IM me with six more accounts within the same night, all of which I blocked.

Seriously, if someone blocks you several times, you'd think that's a indication that you should leave them the fuck alone. This happened while I was also chatting with AtroposHeart, and we had a good laugh over it, and I emailed her the transcript of her begging for the book. Ginny-Chan has lied to both of us, even when I copypasta'd her lies back to her to show her that she had indeed said this or that, and she would still deny whatever she said even though I had the IM evidence right then and there.

Another thing that really bothered me about Ginny-Chan was that she kept asking me for my real name, and a picture of me so she could know what I looked like. People like her are why I use a pen name for my books, and also why I refuse to post pictures of myself. I had told her no at least a dozen times over my real name and pictures, yet she would not give up.


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## Surtur (Jun 9, 2013)

What are the books you wrote, if I may ask? You can pm me if you want, Im just curious.


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## sparklemilhouse (Jun 9, 2013)

Saney said:
			
		

> sparklemilhouse said:
> 
> 
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> ...



Because it was just one of those fucked up "you had to see it" moments. I didn't really believe the story for a long time, until I had to spend almost all day with Billy every day in 8th grade. Then when I got to know Billy, I was like, "Yeah, I believe it now."


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## Mauvman Shuffleboard (Jun 9, 2013)

There are a couple fellers I used to know that were pretty funny to be around, I'll spare you from the longer stories involving them though.

The Nonadventures of Dave



Spoiler



This first one was probably my favorite, he was a big guy, I think between 6 and 7 feet tall now and about half as wide, let's call him Dave. He was a bit slow in most every sense, he kind of reminded me a bit of Butthead when he spoke. He went to the same school as me but was a grade behind so I never ended up in any of his classes, so most of this stuff was just what my friends experienced.

THE HIGHLIGHTS
- Dave's favorite swear word -One day Dave wrote "Fuck" on the back of his hand, my friend noticed and asked him about it. He explained "I wrote my favorite swear word on the back of my hand,  gotta wash it off before my mom sees."

- Dave's legendary goaltending skills - His ability to be a goalie gym class were unmatched by anyone, as long as they stood almost entirely motionless. He didn't bother moving if he'd have to move more than six feet from where he was standing, but he's so damn big it didn't matter half the time. He just stood there and got hit until class ended.

- Dave versus the belt - Dave's pants had a habit of falling down a bit or at the very least showing too much of his ass when he bent over, so eventually my buddy asked why he didn't wear a belt. Dave showed him he had been wearing a belt all along, it just wasn't attached to his pants in any way.

- Dave's Microsoft Word Amusement Hour - Dave was in the computer lab working on something or other, I think it was a history class and there might have been an essay or something to write. Whatever he was supposed to be doing, instead he wrote his favorite swear words, movies or tv shows, then immediately erased them and wrote something else. He did this for an hour.



Ugly Ted: The Man Who Might Have Been a Zombie



Spoiler



What do you do when your head janitor is staying in his office all day to play World of Warcraft instead of just talking to the students about World of Warcraft? Get a substitute. We called him Ugly Ted, a name originally given to a lunchbox for reasons I was never aware of, and I'm not sure if he was even alive. First off, he was super old which by itself doesn't really suggest he might be undead but he moved so slow Dave looked like Sonichu zapping to the fucking extreme. He handled like a truck trying to drive another truck with its ass, which I guess doesn't mean anything because it's stupid and impossible but he knocked shit over all the damn time. The most notable thing he ever did was stare into a garbage can for ten minutes straight. He opened it up, and just looked in. Then kept looking. Didn't put anything in. Didn't take anything out. Just stared for ten minutes and walked away. Still did a better job of cleaning than the main janitor though.



The Ballad of Obofo



Spoiler



Obofo was all about one thing, trucks, big trucks. If he was about two things the other would be laughing excessively at his own jokes, or more often than not, sentences that weren't jokes at all (he had a great laugh, a good solid huh-huh-huhuhuhuh-huh). The name comes from the way he used to write his initials, oBoFo. 

Notable notes and factual facts

Obofo's MP3 Player - According to him, it runs on gas. I assure you, it does not.

Obofo's Computer - One day he came to school carrying a plastic bag, he came over to our table to show off its contents. It was a bunch of computer parts, I don't think they were broken but I'm not really sure anymore. Apparently he saw the parts on the side of the road and stopped to pick them up. I doubt he ever put it together, and if he did that a bunch of parts he found on the side of the road would work.

Obofo's Asscapades - Completely unprovoked with no prior context he once mentioned either that he put a 9 volt battery up his ass, or would not like if anyone did that. I forget which. He also mentioned shoving a tennis ball up a muffler on a completely unrelated occasion years apart, but I'm pretty sure it was referring to the same thing.

The Time He Chucked A Big Fucking Rock at My Head - One time I was in a bit of a pickle, I sucked at jumping and was momentarily stuck in a little ditch type place. It was pretty cold out and there was water all around me and didn't want to get my feet wet because I'm pretty sure there was snow and that'd be a pain in the ass. His solution? Chuck a big rock down for me to walk across. Great idea, except it hit me in the head and didn't solve anything at all, except that it gave me a bald spot. At that point I didn't give much of a fuck about getting in the water, I think I just left to go inside or something. That was a shitty birthday party.


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## sparklemilhouse (Jun 11, 2013)

^ these are all great stories. I love stories about strange people.


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## MysticMisty (Jun 11, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> Billy shot himself in the foot the second week of middle school by ... pooping himself in gym class. He was playing basketball and the poop kinda just snuck out, past our school issued gold gym shorts. I didn't see the incident sadly. A friend also said that Billy panic dumped in the locker room too.
> 
> There was an alleged poop incident either a few weeks before or after, can't remember. Sitting in math class, doing math, bullsshitting, when we all smelled something. More substantial than a fart. Billy ran out. He missed school for a while.


You reminded me of somebody who attended my high school during senior year. Can't remember if the guy was a sophomore or a junior, but I guess ultimately it doesn't matter.

What does matter is one day he took a shit in one of the hallways. On purpose. He did it during lunchtime so no one would see him, but he got caught anyways. I don't know what the school did to him for that, but they didn't kick him out permanently. ...He did die of cancer or something a week or so before the end of the school year, however. I guess he knew he was slowly dying when he decided to take a shit in the hallway, but as far as I know nobody knew why he did it beyond "just because".


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## Bugaboo (Jun 11, 2013)

MysticMisty said:
			
		

> sparklemilhouse said:
> 
> 
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What a way to leave your mark...
On the floor.


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## sparklemilhouse (Jun 11, 2013)

I forgot to mention that once in 8th grade, someone threw Billy's shoes on the roof of the school. So the gym teacher gave Billy a pair of Nikes that was in the lost n found forever. They were cooler looking than the ones that were thrown on the roof.


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## Butta Face Lopez (Jun 11, 2013)

There's a guy on a band forum I frequent who has his own thread for his antics.

He's a 32 year old whigger from NJ who still lives with his dad.  He's a junkie and a crackhead and a drunk and his posts are all some sort of whigger-speak code about his life, alternating between how miserable it is and how amazing it is because he got so fucked up on crack and blacked out.  He steals his dad's pills "because he doesn't need all of them."  

He drives (or drove, until he crashed it into a pole) a leased Audi that his dad paid for.  Once while his dad was gone, he drunkenly crashed it into a pole, and as soon as he was released, stole his dad's car to go buy crack, and was somehow convinced into giving a junkie he'd never met the keys "to go get the rock."  So it got stolen and ended up in NYC.

He justifies his behavior by whining about how his mom died.  Eighteen years ago.  He recently vanished for two weeks or so after getting pissed off because people told him not to quit his minimum wage job as a pizzeria cashier because his boss didn't tell him they were closed on Memorial Day, which he interpreted as "mad disrespectful."  He just came back with new stories about how his dad "got under his skin" so he threw a steak at him, and warned him that the next time he'd be throwing a knife.  

Also, he's a pedophile and constantly posts about creeping on young girls at the beach and lusting after their "tight lil bodies" and how they should feel free to "sun their snizz."  He gets angry and defensive and threatens to beat people up when they say these things are bad.

He's an absolute trainwreck, but it's hard not to facepalm and laugh about his miserable existence.


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## Bridechu (Jun 11, 2013)

I just got in semi-contact with a real live pony tulpa fucker. 

Redlight Ponyville (Jin's forum) imploded, but I found one of them, the (I think) sole female on DeviantArt and got her chatting a bit about ponies and Psychonauts. Honestly, it's kind of disappointing, though. Unlike true lolcows she knows not to talk about her crazy with outsiders and she has insanely low self esteem.

Here's a picture of her OC and her waifu:


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## Mauvman Shuffleboard (Jun 11, 2013)

Some additional guys pretty much as ridiculous as the others I mentioned earlier.

Willy Wiggles Steals a Wheeler (and other not theft related tales)


Spoiler



Wiggles got his nickname because it was pretty close to his last name, and also because at any given time it was a safe bet that he was wiggling. He was really damn short, barely over four feet from what I remember and he always hung out with Dave. Wiggles liked shiny objects and throwing things, people would throw coins under vending machines and he'd dive after them and smash his head against the machine, coins he would use to buy pizza from the cafeteria and throw the paper plate that came with it in frustration when he later dropped the pizza. He'd do that sort of thing all the time, but the best stuff were things he only did once. 

-One time in the cafeteria he came over and took my taco wrappers, just for no reason.

-One time on a class trip to Wendy's we asked him what he was going to get, Wiggles excitedly replied "I'm gonna get some Chicken McNuggets!" my friend explained that they don't have McNuggets at Wendy's, he got really sad and almost cried.

-One time he got another kid detention for telling a teacher that he threw a penny in the garbage.

-And lastly, the time he stole a Wheeler (I think most people call them ATVs). It was after summer break and he wasn't around and nobody really knew where he went, but later word got around that he tried to steal a Wheeler by driving it off from wherever it was being sold and ended up in Juvie.



The Amazing Journey of Microwave Mike



Spoiler



Microwave Mike was an exchange student from Brazil, his English was okay most of the time, but sometimes it was hard to tell what he meant and if he understood you. Whenever he talked about Brazil other exchange students from around the same part of it said he was full of shit.

-Why I call him Microwave Mike: I didn't hang around with him much, most of the time I only saw him in class but the one exception was the school's annual all-nighter thingy (they kept the school open all night and bought a bunch of food or whatever, I beat an albino kid in a watermelon eating duel but that's unrelated). One of the rooms they kept open was the cafeteria and the attached kitchen, Microwave Mike took an egg and a plate from the kitchen and came over to where my friends and I were. He said to us "You can cook an egg in the microwave" to which we replied "What? Why would you even mention that?" He took our reply as a sign that we didn't believe him and set out to prove us wrong by, cooking the egg in the microwave and then showing us a cooked egg. "See? It's cooked" he said right before throwing it out. 

-"What Hitler, he seceding": When I say his English was okay most of the time, the rest of the time he said things like that. 

-Chinese People: Every time anyone or anything Chinese was mentioned he'd laugh to himself and say Chinese People, which was pretty great since we spent a good portion of that class talking about Mao Zedong.



Rapmaster J Has a Question



Spoiler



Rapmaster J isn't too interesting, he fancied himself a rapper but wasn't very good. The only noteworthy thing he did was in the middle of class ask the teacher "Why is blood hard when I've got an erection?"



Some Guy at the YMCA



Spoiler



This one might need a bit of background information, but that background information is a three part story about taking a dump, and I doubt anyone's interested in that. So please enjoy this event without any appropriate context.

Two of my friends (let's call them Dwayne and Duane) were at the YMCA and they were getting ready to leave, Duane was still in the locker room and Dwayne had to ask a dude that worked there if he could go in to look for Duane. Dwayne found Duane so he could tell him that their ride was there and they could leave but when Dwayne left the locker room the dude that let him in asked if he found Duane. Dwayne said "Yeah, he's in there taking a dump." The dude working there asked as a follow up question "Was it big?"


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## Bugaboo (Jun 11, 2013)

Bridechu said:
			
		

> I just got in semi-contact with a real live pony tulpa fucker.
> 
> Redlight Ponyville (Jin's forum) imploded, but I found one of them, the (I think) sole female on DeviantArt and got her chatting a bit about ponies and Psychonauts. Honestly, it's kind of disappointing, though. Unlike true lolcows she knows not to talk about her crazy with outsiders and she has insanely low self esteem.
> 
> Here's a picture of her OC and her waifu:


Is it worth noting that her OC looks like a pony named Firefly? She was the proto-Rainbow Dash so Rainbow Dash is dating herself.


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## AtroposHeart (Jun 11, 2013)

Okay, here is a guy that seriously creeped me out. 

My mother does online yardsells and she went to pick up something from this old lady and her nineteen year old grandson was there. 

His name was Cody and he was an aspie. For the record I am an aspie too and that is likely what started the conversation with my mom. He mentioned to her that he had no friends and my mom felt sorry for him and gave him my Facebook named and she came home and told me about him. Now, I thought it was weird that you would mention to someone that you barely knew that you had no friends. However, since my mom asked me to I decided to honor my mother's request and friend him.

BIG ASS MISTAKE.

The moment I friend him; he messages me. I am polite and the minute he starts talking before I know anything else; he starts pestering me to meet him in real life. I am not comfortable with meeting someone I barely know in real life and tell him I want to get to know him a bit more. However, he is like "I am not good at this online stuff; we really need to meet in real life." (However he did not nearly have as good spelling and grammar) I try to tell him that I am willing, but I need time to get to know him first, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. At one point he says well you're mom likes meeting in real life. I am thinking well I am not my mother and you only meet my mother for a few minutes. So how do you know what she likes? 

Anyway, I try to start a conversation with him and I ask him, "What do you like to do?" He answers with "Pretty much everything" and then he asks "What do you think?" I am like "Think of what and he's like "What do you think of me." I am like boy, I don't know a thing about you other than you apparantly have no respect for my wishes. Finally, I get tired and creeped out of him and tell him I am going to watch a movie (I was already watching a movie on my laptop; Beauty and the Beast) and I go offline to him.

A few days later, he messages me asking to go out with lunch with him and his grandma. I am having flashbacks to the Emily date and block him. However, that was not the end of it. He friended my mother and had begun to whine to about her to me. She kept telling him to slow down with me and stop pressuring me, but he wouldn't. When. I finally block him he goes on an complete tirade.

He wrote several paragraphs long messages to her starting with "To whom it may concern...." It was a whine feast with him saying he had done nothing wrong and how I was being mean to him. He said that I *didn't have the right* to ignore him at all. He called me an outright traitor to him and went on about how non-Christian I was acting (When did I ever mention I was Christian?) He said I needed to ask Jesus for forgiveness and get a new heart.

My mom got tired of his shit and unfriended him. She promises she'll never try to get me friends again.


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## CalmMyTits (Jun 11, 2013)

"Anyway, I try to start a conversation with him and I ask him, "What do you like to do?" He answers with "Pretty much everything" and then he asks "What do you think?" I am like "Think of what and he's like "What do you think of me."

I remember you telling me about this before, this gave me a huge WTF moment.


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## Surtur (Jun 11, 2013)

I like when someone wrongs you and they get all self rightious about it when you call them on it.


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## pickleniggo (Jun 11, 2013)

Mauvman Shuffleboard said:
			
		

> (they kept the school open all night and bought a bunch of food or whatever, I beat an albino kid in a watermelon eating duel but that's unrelated).



I'm actually intrigued by this. Did you get a prize?!


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## AtroposHeart (Jun 11, 2013)

Oh, another thing I just asked my mom how she knew he didn't have any friends and she said his grandmother brought it up, and he responded with "Yeah, they're all traitors."


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## Bridechu (Jun 11, 2013)

revengeofphil said:
			
		

> Is it worth noting that her OC looks like a pony named Firefly? She was the proto-Rainbow Dash so Rainbow Dash is dating herself.



Wow, you're right, same colour scheme. Not to mention Faust's canon is that Firefly is RD's mother. She either requested or commissioned another artist to do one that's significantly different; coat is more peach than pink, and the hair is a lot shorter. Maybe she noticed and changed it. If not, she does have a vaguely bad relationship with her family (what brony doesn't?), so maybe it's a Freudian slip.


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## Mauvman Shuffleboard (Jun 11, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> Mauvman Shuffleboard said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The only prizes were an entire watermelon and a smug sense of superiority. You see, the watermelon thing wasn't really a scheduled event or anything, just me and Mr. Albino kid went up to one of the people organizing it and asked if they could buy two watermelons because we wanted to see if we were capable of eating an entire watermelon in one sitting. When we got there it got turned into a competition and we were each given spoons with which to eat the melons, about half way through the melons we agreed we couldn't eat it in a single sitting but would come back to them throughout the night until they were done. Either Dwayne or Duane from the previous story, I forget which karate chopped my remaining melon in half and the other Duane/Dwayne did a spin kick to knock the Mr. Albino's on the floor. I came back to my melon later, finished it and wore the peel as a helmet. Got melon juice all in my hair and it got sticky and hard and it wasn't very pleasant, but at least I didn't lose.

Bonus "fun" fact, out of the 3 times I ate an excessive amount of a food in that cafeteria the watermelon was the only food I liked (pudding and maple syrup being the other two, that pudding was fucking ass and I ate like 8 bowls of it because they had to get rid of it).


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## NobleGreyHorse (Jun 12, 2013)

I... I mean, congratulations on not losing the watermelon contest, but it almost sounds like you're proposing _yourself_ as your own personal lolcow. If so, nothing wrong with that, remotely even at all. It really does make it rather personal, but who has a better right?


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## Surtur (Jun 14, 2013)

http://steamcommunity.com/app/20900/dis ... 902230966/

Just lol.


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## Aiko Heiwa (Jun 14, 2013)

Not sure if he really counts as an "lolcow", but on this game called NationStates I play, there is this user named herdgergy. Like, he's not really an "lolcow" yet, but he's close enough. Like, the kid (who's apparently 13) is a homophobic and racist idiot who barely can use proper English spelling and grammar. And when anyone calls him out on his bullshit beliefs (like how he thinks that trans* people should just suck it up and live as the gender they were born as because "GOD DID NOT WANT MEN TO  BECOME WOMEN AND WOMEN TO BECOME MEN" and that Christianity should be the ONLY religion allowed in the USA and anyone else should have to go to conversion camps), he begins to scream about how "WE ARE OPPRESSING HIS FREEDOM OF RELIGION!!!" and that "HIS BELIEFS HAM NOBODY".

Sadly, he stopped posting in the general board on the forum and now just posts in RP relating forums, so all I can do is chuckle at his hilarious way his nation works.


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## Bugaboo (Jun 14, 2013)

Aiko Heiwa said:
			
		

> Not sure if he really counts as an "lolcow", but on this game called NationStates I play, there is this user named herdgergy. Like, he's not really an "lolcow" yet, but he's close enough. Like, the kid (who's apparently 13) is a homophobic and racist idiot who barely can use proper English spelling and grammar. And when anyone calls him out on his bullshit beliefs (like how he thinks that trans* people should just suck it up and live as the gender they were born as because "GOD DID NOT WANT MEN TO  BECOME WOMEN AND WOMEN TO BECOME MEN" and that Christianity should be the ONLY religion allowed in the USA and anyone else should have to go to conversion camps), he begins to scream about how "WE ARE OPPRESSING HIS FREEDOM OF RELIGION!!!" and that "HIS BELIEFS HAM NOBODY".
> 
> Sadly, he stopped posting in the general board on the forum and now just posts in RP relating forums, so all I can do is chuckle at his hilarious way his nation works.


Clearly his beliefs HAM somebody if he wants to put people in conversion camps


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## Picklepower (Jul 14, 2013)

Ironically this guy is the one that told me about CWC, who at first I did not believe. Now he was not a bad guy or anything, I knew him for a short time. I won't name names, he clearly had Asperger's, as do I. He wore Hawaiian T shirts and was into ICP, he showed me an Elfen Lied/ Icp Amv he made. When we were at the mall I told him a girl looked hot (this was high school) and he asked me if I wanted him to fix me up with her, I said nah politely. 

Another guy I knew in middle school, was short and extremely ADHD, and never took meds. He would just sleep through class and the teacher did nothing about it. He made me laugh my ass off though and was fun to hang with. Once he tried to say a teacher hit him or something, when she clearly never did, the class had to write like a vote of whether they saw her hit him or not and the only ones who said yes, where his 2 friends who I'm sure are meth heads now.


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## TL 611 (Jul 14, 2013)

^ heh that's just reminded me of a kid in primary school I knew.

We were about 8-9ish and there was this guy called Adam in my class. He had ADHD to the extreme. Fucking bouncing off the walls everywhere. He had a shit tonne of dr who merch so I hung around with him ocassionally. Went round his house once.

I didnt get how he had so much stuff, because he kept breaking it. Like he'd throw his stuff around and be RANDUMB. He was the only person I know who had more shit than me (I was a very spoilt child) and I really didnt get it. 

He used to have tantrums a lot and would throw a pissy whenever he didnt get his way. He asked me out and I was like "fuck yeah free shit! I'm a child, going out with someone just means you've got someone to go to the park with and they have to buy you valentines shit, plus I can't be fucked to deal with him throwing a paddy" 

It was around this time I went round his house. Was cool. He had so much cool shit I was amazed. Then his mums came in. Mum*s*. As an eight year old this was the most confusing thing ever. He was a sperm donor child. I was like "ookay this is weird."

The way they treated him too was really weird. Like almost how Seymour's mum in the Simpsons treats Seymour. Kinda like a kid but not really (treating him like a kid would've been normal. They were treating him like a manchild).

 Just continued as normal, went off to play or do whatever it is 8 year olds do.

After a bit of whatever we were doing, he turned to me and went "brb, going to the loo.. Ill leave the door open for you "

What the fuck. It was the creepiest sexual advance I'd ever had, and at the time I was just thinking "what the fuck?" I mean we were eight years old FFS, it took me like a couple minutes to even realise he was trying to be sexual.

Yeah I went home after that


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## sparklemilhouse (Jul 14, 2013)

Melchett said:
			
		

> ^ heh that's just reminded me of a kid in primary school I knew.
> 
> 
> 
> The way they treated him too was really weird. Like almost how Seymour's mum in the Simpsons treats Seymour. Kinda like a kid but not really (treating him like a kid would've been normal. They were treating him like a manchild)



Whenever I think of skinner and Agnes, I just think of "bath pillow" :

http://vampirecircus.tumblr.com/post/53 ... -principal


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## Bugaboo (Jul 14, 2013)

Melchett said:
			
		

> After a bit of whatever we were doing, he turned to me and went "brb, going to the loo.. Ill leave the door open for you "
> 
> What the fuck. It was the creepiest sexual advance I'd ever had, and at the time I was just thinking "what the fuck?" I mean we were eight years old FFS, it took me like a couple minutes to even realise he was trying to be sexual.
> 
> Yeah I went home after that


The fuck kind of 8 year old does something like that? I didn't even know what sex was when I was old, I thought the most intimate thing you could do with a person is kiss them.


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## DykesDykesChina (Jul 14, 2013)

This is the official, non-ironic Wikipage of a local faction of the German Pirate Party

Yep. A TRUE and HONEST political party that wants to get into the Bundestag (parliament).

I'll let that sink in.  8-)


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## Lady Houligan (Jul 14, 2013)

I've been debating whether or not I want to put this up, but here it is: the story of how one relatively normal friend evolved into my own pet lolcow.

We met through the 9 fandom (all twenty something that it seemed like there was of us online) and bonded quickly through RPing on AIM. We moved to Skype and onto other fandoms, and started having our whole group talk in the general chat while we RPed in private messages, and that's when she started talking more about herself and her life. Her mom was verbally and psychologically abusive. Her family was Southern Baptist and therefore very repressive, and had this weird fixation about people not moving further than a hundred miles away. After a year of knowing her she came out as a lesbian and her mom got more crazy. And bless my stupid little heart, I believed it all. So I wanted to help out.

So about this time last year, we encouraged her to move out and to the state I live in, which is fourteen hours away from her family. She raised the money through her Tumblr followers and drove out here with her cats. And within a year, she's managed to get to her fifth job (quit one retail, and then through the temp agency she signed up with she was fired once for poor performance, screwed out of two contracts, and then finally got hired full-time on the fourth contract that I helped her get), and she's pissed off her roommate with her shitty cleaning habits to the point where as of today she has a week to clean up the room she occupies or she'll be kicked out of the house. She still is begging for money on her Tumblr to afford her rent because she won't set a budget for herself, and won't take responsibility for her actions or faults or make herself actually do adult things like take out the trash, do the dishes, or actually do the pictures she's commissioned to do.

It's also worth noting that she's 31.


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## aspirin (Jul 15, 2013)

DykesDykesChina said:
			
		

> This is the official, non-ironic Wikipage of a local faction of the German Pirate Party
> 
> Yep. A TRUE and HONEST political party that wants to get into the Bundestag (parliament).
> 
> I'll let that sink in.  8-)



oh god is it vandalized or something


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## TL 611 (Jul 15, 2013)

revengeofphil said:
			
		

> Melchett said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know dude. Sex was just a weird abstract concept you gossiped about, I was barely aware of it.

Huh. I've just realised there are a lot of spazes around me. I get a surprising amount of drama in my life.

I mean that story about Lady Houligan's friend kinda reminded me about my friend Tim, except he doesn't try to get money off the internet for rent, he just doesn't eat and sits in the dark. He's not worked in 5 years and he moved down to get away from his Dad (a major hard-ass, apparently he's the CEO of Marshall UK).

He now spends his time sitting in his filthy flat getting high, waiting for people to come and give him company. He had a girlfriend who kept the flat clean ran away to Cornwall with him "for a better life! Away from the corruption of London", but she left after he fucked a 17 year old (he's 30 in december). He cooks crack cocaine and drew all the younger generations into chemical usage. Severe aspie too. He nearly got kicked out of his flat because it was so horrible, he now gets inspections once a week (the usual is once every 6 months for the agency).

*The Story of Tim and the Teenage Girl*


Spoiler



Last week, a 17 year old girl called K (codename obv, protect the innocent 'n all) went over for a party. Got very very drunk. Went home at about 10pm cuz she was just plastered. When she left, one of my friends had gone off to get more drugs (the night wasn't over for us!). We were waiting for him to get back, gummed the remains of last nights drugs, everyone was just chilling and zoned into the music.

I saw through the gap between the door and the hinge a shadow lurking. It really tripped me out. The shadow was there long enough for me to think "is that the drugs? Are my friends back? Why are they hanging by the door? ... Oh that's not them is it.."

K's Dad came in. He brought in a draft when he entered the room. A tall guy, lanky and grey-haired. Looked like he would've been a pretty boy when he was younger. He turned to Tim. Tim was sat in a chair, staring forward at me. K's Dad walked into his vision towering over him, slurred something along the lines of "what the fuck have you given K? She's passed out in the bathroom. What the fuck have you done?!"
Silence. Tim made no movement, no noise, nothing. Didn't even look at him. I have never felt a room so silent with trance music blaring. It all became very surreal very quickly. 
K's Dad continued "if this happens again I'll fucking come for you. I'll be back." and he quickly left.

This exchange was about 30 seconds long, at most. And it left us in total confusion. We all were just like "did that really just happen?!"

Tim just grinned and sat there.

Anyway the day after life was back to normal, Monday morning, everyone to work. Tim sits alone in his house, waiting for the party to start again. He has no money, no drugs, nothing but hours of time to waste and a fucking horrible comedown.

I get round there later in the evening. Still no party. We're all sat around, looking at steam stuff IIRC. We hear the door open and Tim's eyes flicker towards the stairway.

We then hear a shrill woman's voice from the stairs saying "hello there Tim, I'm not _sketching you out_ am I?"

It was K's Mum. She plodded into the room we were in and really got in Tims face. She's a big lady and she's kinda got the aura of a strict primary school teacher or something. A major ballbreaker, but not threatening in any way. 

"I've come to talk to you about what happened last night."
Silence from Tim. At least he's acknowledged her existence. It's very quiet, not too bad. She's obviously come in with the intention of sorting things out.
"I know my husband was in the wrong but there's a major issue with what's happening here..."
"Yeah like not fucking knocking."
"what?" A genuine squeal of surprise came from her lips, I don't think she expected any retaliation (shes a foster mum, very used to talking down to people. Tim is a grown man.)
"People just fucking walking into my house without knocking."
This is when things get funny . There was a lot of interrupting on both sides from this point on. The room exploded with energy and you could tell they were both SPOILING FOR A RUMBLE.
"fuck off! I'm on about you having teenage girls getting ridiculously wasted on _god knows what_ in your flat!"
"At least I don't barge into peoples house"
"I COULD CALL THE POLICE TIM. WHAT WOULD THEY FIND HERE? THERE ARE THREE BONGS IN THIS ROOM, AND I KNOW YOU'VE GOT COCAINE IN THE HOUSE (NB: he didn't have cocaine in the house. When Monday morning rolls round there's no drugs in the Tim household). WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN TIM?"
"They wouldn't get in. Get out of my flat."
"FINE. I'M CALLING THE POLICE TIM. I'M GONNA GET YOU CLEANED UP YOU DRUG TAKING *TURD*. I'M GONNA GET YOU CLEANED UP AND OUT OF CORNWALL."
A fully grown woman calling a fully grown man a turd is fucking hilarious. 
A Romanian (_illegal_) immigrant threatening to get a British citizen kicked out of a county is fucking hilarious. 

They were obviously false words said just to scare him, so we sat there, giggled, rolled up a J. Tim joined in with all of it, but you could tell from the tone in his voice the incident shit him up.

Then I saw Tim go down the stairs towards the front door and lock it. Since this incident he has had the doors locked at all times. Every time you hear a door-knock around there he suddenly acquires the demeanour of a ferret. I always try and knock more officially when I go over there, because even just imagining the look of panic in his eyes makes me smile.



There's also a place called Doubletrees nearby, one of my friends used to live near there. There's a spaz hostel there, and it can be quite terrifying at some times. Quite often when I was around there, I've been awoken by random retard screaming. Every once in a while they give them all drums and triangles and they do a "carnival" around the school.

This thread has started to become an eye opener. I mean, these people are just normal people to me. I didn't quite realise how surreal my life is.


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## DykesDykesChina (Jul 15, 2013)

aspirin said:
			
		

> DykesDykesChina said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sadly, no.

I'll just say that these "pirates" maybe should be a little bit more private about their fandoms


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## Himawari (Jul 16, 2013)

Jessica Sideways, that chick who is trying to raise twenty grand to make a CWC documentary, is quickly becoming a personal lolcow of mine.

She and Chris are a match made in heaven, even!


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## sparklemilhouse (Jul 16, 2013)

Himawari said:
			
		

> Jessica Sideways, that chick who is trying to raise twenty grand to make a CWC documentary, is quickly becoming a personal lolcow of mine.
> 
> She and Chris are a match made in heaven, even!



I mentioned something about chris & cole on my twitter, and she bugged me with: 



> So, why does @colesmithey hate his mother so much? I'd love to explore that in my @CWCSonichu documentary.



uh, you know why don't you read the cwcki to find out why cole hates Barb so much? RESEARCH.


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## TL 611 (Jul 16, 2013)

^ that crazy lady is intreging.. Anyone know what the fuck was stolen of her to make her so whiny? Or just general crap about her?


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## Himawari (Jul 16, 2013)

I like to imagine that the old lady was just being nice enough to pick up something Jessica dropped, and Jess went apeshit over her trying to touch her stuff.

I mean, I have no _reason_ to believe that's the case, but I enjoy imagining the possibility.


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## TL 611 (Jul 16, 2013)

Wait - what?! (Ignore the silly typo "sodeways").





That site is hers, I checked..

Very intreging indeed.

EDIT: assuming the YouTube channel that came up below is hers, the. She is definitely a tranny. Dat voice, man.

Also what the fuck? Her only video is of her getting slapped by a fat black lady inexplicably in a wheelchair. The black lady uses her legs to power the wheelchair. Surely she doesn't need it?! Completely out of context weird fight.

EDIT2: what, the, fuck?!




... So little context for all these things, but so much potential. She's so intreging but so illusive! That or it's 4am and my investigative skills are lacking right now.


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## Himawari (Jul 16, 2013)

According to her Facebook, she's divorced, so...

Also apparently she's been permanently banned from Amazon for some reason.

Maybe a mod should split these posts into a new thread.  I had no idea there was so much waiting to be dug up on her!


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## sparklemilhouse (Jul 17, 2013)

How do you get banned from amazon?!?!

That chicks name sounds so familiar...it's driving me batty on where I've heard it before.


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## c-no (Jul 17, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> How do you get banned from amazon?!?!


I don't know any of Amazon's rules but if you can sell things on Amazon then I guess one can get banned for ripping people off.


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## CatParty (Jul 17, 2013)

[youtube]OD_FJkyRBOU[/youtube]

from sideways' youtube channel


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## TheIncredibleLioness (Jul 20, 2013)

Not sure if this fits better here or in the Obscure Laughingstocks thread, but a personal lolcow of mine is Tsukinohoshi, aka Deviant-ZAngel (both accounts have since been deactivated).

Now, don't get me wrong -- she doesn't seem to be seriously messed up in the way some lolcows are, and whenever trolled she tends to delete her accounts, go into hiding for a while, and then open up a new one. She's not going to get super argumentative like, say, Natalie/Xiao. If anything, she's just a girl who can't take criticism and passes off even the slightest bit of it as hate -- pretty tame by lolcow standards.

But I find her entertaining in a way similar to Chris-chan (something others have noted as well): both have relatively poor art (though Tsukinohoshi has shown some sort of improvement, even if it's just a shift away from the face-eatingly huge animu eyes she used to draw); derivative ideas (except swiped from _Sailor Moon_ rather than Sonic and _Pokémon_); cliché storytelling; and an insistence that her art needs no improvement whatsoever. Oh, she'll have attempts at actually getting critique, but doesn't implement it, or goes too extreme (i.e. someone once told her her faces were too round/blobbish, so she started reverting to exaggeratedly square faces). It's also really obvious when she goes back to edit pictures, as she used to do (to make it _seem_ like she was taking advice), because the lines got jarringly thick and blobby in comparisons to the original. 

The only thing I don't like is that she obviously must be monitoring her ED article, because every time a new update comes, revealing one of the new accounts she's made, that account is usually deactivated with no warning. Which is smarter than, say, Chris-chan, but makes it really hard to actually get samples of her newer artwork unless you're in the know/she doesn't know you're a troll. By the time I actually saw the latest ED update on July 10th, and went to look at the account, it was already deactivated, so I suppose it's just a matter of waiting for it to be updated again. The article is a decent summary even if the text is pretty tryhard sometimes.

But yeah, long story short I have a sort of odd fascination with her art and her inability to take critique, even if I don't think she really fits the criteria for a lolcow. Unfortunately she's made it harder for me to look at her current stuff, so she's doing _something_ right.


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## soIregistered (Jul 23, 2013)

I was just reminded of her earlier, but Chris Athey, the Sunny D & Rum girl. She makes Tomgirl Chris look like an attractive lady.


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## Globe (Aug 2, 2013)

Man, oh man...There was this girl I went to high school with for a few years that was a hardcore sperg and if she had more of an internet presence, she could be a pretty epic lolcow. She was one of those scene chicks that tried way, _way_ too hard to draw attention to herself by what she wore and how loudly she could scream her idiotic political opinions and OUTRAGEOUSLY EDGY jokes. If you asked her, she'd probably say she was "extroverted". To me and everybody else that observed her, "attention-whore" fit the bill far more accurately. She had no qualms with going on about anti vaccine conspiracies and other crazy bullshit in the middle of class (when teachers would allow for it, obviously) and typically if you had any interjection to what she was saying, her idea of trumping you was to scream over you, start bleating at you, call you names....I know, because I wound up on the receiving end of one of her idiotic little tirades once. 

She got on my nerves, but after high school, I mostly forgot about her. I recently added a friend on facebook, though, that has this nimrod on _her_ friends-list, and now she keeps showing up in that "suggested friends" sidebar. It's been over six years since I saw her last, and absolutely nothing about her has changed. 

*ABSOLUTELY.*


Spoiler









*FUCKING.*


Spoiler









*NOTHING.*


Spoiler


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## NobleGreyHorse (Aug 2, 2013)

Wow, brass-knuckle jewelry... that sucks me right back in time. Or I could just say "that sucks" and leave it at that....


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## soIregistered (Aug 2, 2013)

Globe said:
			
		

> Man, oh man...There was this girl I went to high school with for a few years that was a hardcore sperg and if she had more of an internet presence, she could be a pretty epic lolcow. She was one of those scene chicks that tried way, _way_ too hard to draw attention to herself by what she wore and how loudly she could scream her idiotic political opinions and OUTRAGEOUSLY EDGY jokes. If you asked her, she'd probably say she was "extroverted". To me and everybody else that observed her, "attention-whore" fit the bill far more accurately. She had no qualms with going on about anti vaccine conspiracies and other crazy bullshit in the middle of class (when teachers would allow for it, obviously) and typically if you had any interjection to what she was saying, her idea of trumping you was to scream over you, start bleating at you, call you names....I know, because I wound up on the receiving end of one of her idiotic little tirades once.



Ha. I know the type. I know this chick like her, she's only like 19, I was friends with her through college acquaintances but I ended up blocking her. Typical "I'M 19 AND DIFFERENT I HAVE PINK HAIR I DON'T PLAY BY YOUR RULES!" chick. Her tumblr is hilarious. She tries to give people sex advice. She's a teenager. She admitted "I've only ever had like 4 or 5 orgasms." Yeah, you're a right expert. In real life, she sounds like a Seth McFarlane character, of like a typical Family Guy girl-in-a-bar type. "Like OMG like THIS GUY totally was LIKE LOOKING at my BOOBS just because my SHIRT was down to my BELLY BUTTON like OMG YOU GUYS I was all like WHATEVER".


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## Schadenfreude (Aug 3, 2013)

Well, don't know if this guy meets your standards of lolcow, but he meets mine. 

*WARNING: TL;DR AHEAD*


Spoiler



I went to art school for college. No regrets about that, it was a very good school where I met a lot of good friends and colleagues and gained valuable experience. What I do regret, though, was making friends with this one guy. We will call him M.

M and I initially bonded over the fact that we both liked reviewers on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses. And that leads to the first quirk I noticed about him. While I like the videos on the site purely on an entertainment level, he seemed to regard them as a guide to life. And I don't mean in the "Oh, I was going through a rough time, but watching these funny videos helped me feel better" way; no, that would be understandable. No, he seemed to be under the impression that screaming about stuff you didn't like was _normal_, and not just an exaggerated reaction done for laughs. I suspect he had some anger issues already, though, so I might be overanalyzing. After all, I don't think any internet video justifies dealing with your frustration over a project and a professor by screaming *"FUCKING BITCH!"* in the middle of a very public lobby.

If he'd been decent at his craft (animation/motion graphics), maybe his less-than-stellar attitude to criticism could be ignored. But truth be told, he was a very, very mediocre artist at best. He put in the minimum amount of effort into his work, yet got mad at instructors who criticized it. He always complained about how the latest assignment was _so_ hard, yet I never saw him working in the animation labs at late hours like the rest of us. I don't even think he worked outside of class. Hell, for one assignment, we had to film a shot, then attempt to recreate it with a greenscreened background. He simply took the original shot and changed some of the color settings so it kind of looked screened. Yet if you tried telling him something needed to be fixed, he would get all defensive and complain about how _nobody_ could do it and how it was so _impossible_...

Of course, this laziness caught up to him. Near the end of junior year, we had an out-of-class Nuke exam. For those who don't know, Nuke is one of the most advanced compositing programs used in film and television post-production. For our exam, our instructor gave us a Nuke file with several projects on it that we had to alter in some way. And then, about four hours before the exam was due, the school's server refused to run Nuke. Everyone emailed our instructors, department head, and IT about it, and the exam was delayed until the problem could be fixed.

M, however, had a different reaction to finding out that Nuke wouldn't work: he went on the class's webshare (where we were supposed to turn our assignments in), copied someone else's file, and turned that one in. Bear in mind, this exam had been set up so that it was impossible to get the exact same results, so our instructor caught on pretty damn quickly. After a meeting where M initially denied cheating (until they actually asked him to reproduce his results), he was kicked out of the college, seeing as our school had a pretty damn strict "no plagiarism" policy. And then, about a year later, I make a Facebook post asking about an email our department head sent to us, and guess who shows up to bitch about the school? Yep, M. Because clearly it was the school's fault he was absolutely shit at his major.

Oh, also, he's a brony. I mean, I like the show myself, but he's definitely in the "creepy brony who keeps bringing the show up where it doesn't belong" category.

So, yeah, probably not as lolcow-y as your examples, but he's the closest thing I have to a personal lolcow.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Aug 4, 2013)

yeah, that's a lolcow. 

Did he ever go back to school (to another college)?


----------



## Schadenfreude (Aug 4, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> yeah, that's a lolcow.
> 
> Did he ever go back to school (to another college)?



He went to another school in the same state. And from what I've heard, it's not a very good one, to say the least.


----------



## soIregistered (Aug 4, 2013)

http://peterpanstatus.tumblr.com/post/57135453519

Tell me this girl isn't a train wreck lolcow. Every week she posts a new video about some horrible date because no guy wants to put up with her immensely overbearing personality. Notice how she goes from "He's so ugly and such a loser" to being mad that he doesn't want to put up with her shit. If you follow her on Tumblr, this happens ever fucking week.


----------



## Schadenfreude (Aug 4, 2013)

soIregistered said:
			
		

> http://peterpanstatus.tumblr.com/post/57135453519
> 
> Tell me this girl isn't a train wreck lolcow. Every week she posts a new video about some horrible date because no guy wants to put up with her immensely overbearing personality. Notice how she goes from "He's so ugly and such a loser" to being mad that he doesn't want to put up with her shit. If you follow her on Tumblr, this happens ever fucking week.



Dead link.


----------



## soIregistered (Aug 4, 2013)

Schadenfreude said:
			
		

> soIregistered said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Must have finally made her tumblr private.

Actually I checked, she just changed URLs, but she deleted her vid. Oh well. It was lulzworthy.


----------



## Dezcubek (Aug 11, 2013)

CatParty said:
			
		

> [youtube]OD_FJkyRBOU[/youtube]
> 
> 
> from sideways' youtube channel



Oh yes! that´s from a dude that tries to make a Chris´ documentary? I see he´s no so different than Chris. Instead of Snyder he gots that woman.
Also he´s whiteknighting.
Must read http://www.youtube.com/user/CWCDocumentary description and is linked to Jessica. I see a juicy lolcow.


----------



## Pikonic (Aug 11, 2013)

I love listening to people who think Reddit is the fucking greatest website ever created and people who disagree with them are "ignorant to the modern world." I look at some reddits every now and then, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with forums (I'm here arnt I?), just don't spill that shit to IRL people. Turns out you 45 year old co-workers don't care about memes (no joke, I work with this guy)


----------



## José Mourinho (Aug 12, 2013)

I only browse Reddit just to browse Reddits about my favourite stuff.


----------



## Chairman Meow (Aug 12, 2013)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> I only browse Reddit just to browse Reddits about my favourite stuff.



Same. There's a surprisingly useful subreddit for where I live, and a few decent ones about stuff I'm interested in, but the 'big' reddits just seem like a vortex of teenage know-it-alls and circlejerk hivemind up/downvoting.

Sadly there's no /r/sonichu or even /r/lolcows, but who needs them when we've got this place anyway.


----------



## TL 611 (Aug 17, 2013)

Just remembered my boyfriends brother, whom I mentioned in a thread in Chris:

He's 26 and... Just not right. He lives hundreds of miles from us but he came down to visit and when I met him I was like "eh he's immature but whatever."

Then he started talking to me about hentai. I had known him for about an hour. When I say hentai I mean yaoui or whatever little boys on little boys is called.

He then went into, in quite some detail, about his sex life and how "women just aren't enough for him but Asian girls are hot".

He then got out his laptop and showed me his "cute Asians" folder, basically a wank bank.

He then made me play some shitty PS2 game with him that was really Japanese. 

The entire time he's been spewing non sequiturs and quoting asdf, very loudly. And being really weird and like "WOW BRO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GETTING LAID!" Basically being really obnoxious.

Then I decided I didn't want to be around him any more cuz he was creepy and annoying so I was like "right we're going out." He followed us. He was down for a week and he was within 5 feet of us at all times. He slept in the same room at night too. 

My boyfriend nearly punched him out because how annoying he is. You could tell their parents had to put up with a lot of this when his brother lived there, as their dad was in the room like "stop it. Now." The second it got close to violence. Their dads ex navy and terrifying 

I've since seen more of him, and he doesn't get any better. His handwriting is that of a very small child, not even in double figures. He goes to "knighthood role plays" whatever the fuck they are. He took loads of pictres of it and sent them to us, and it's just fat nerds with wooden swords. He has a sonic/Pokemon crossover called Tailix. My boyfriend always gets 3 phone calls a day from him.


----------



## Duke Nukem (Aug 17, 2013)

I would like to say that guidos (and by extension, guidettes) are lolcow worthy. Just turn on MTV if you don't know what I'm talking about.


----------



## Lady Houligan (Aug 22, 2013)

Lady Houligan said:
			
		

> I've been debating whether or not I want to put this up, but here it is: the story of how one relatively normal friend evolved into my own pet lolcow.
> 
> We met through the 9 fandom (all twenty something that it seemed like there was of us online) and bonded quickly through RPing on AIM. We moved to Skype and onto other fandoms, and started having our whole group talk in the general chat while we RPed in private messages, and that's when she started talking more about herself and her life. Her mom was verbally and psychologically abusive. Her family was Southern Baptist and therefore very repressive, and had this weird fixation about people not moving further than a hundred miles away. After a year of knowing her she came out as a lesbian and her mom got more crazy. And bless my stupid little heart, I believed it all. So I wanted to help out.
> 
> ...



Now that much, MUCH more has happened, I feel as though I should expand upon my tale. I also feel it's worth mentioning that her roommate is one of my best friends.



Spoiler



So she completely failed to get the room cleaned up at all: instead, she just moved things around to hide various instances of cat puke that was so dried into the carpet that she couldn't get it out. She broke the belt on the vacuum cleaner, she left an entire kitty litter container full of used litter and cat shits with a stack of empty ones, and she left a ton of garbage in the room. All the while she was supposed to be cleaning, she was fucking around on Tumblr posting pictures like thisand this. (Sidenote: that's supposed to be her "madame of a brothel" original character for a band fandom.) So consequently, she was kicked out of the house. Rather than go "well shit I guess I should have handled that differently", she instead called up her parents and brother, had her dad, brother and nephew drive up 14 hours, packed up her crap, and left her roommate with a mess to clean up. All the while she was harassing me to forgive her for talking shit about my friend behind her back. I'm a fiercely loyal person, so I've told her to shove off, more so when I saw what a pigsty she left her room in. So now she's back in Ohio, and still owes over $1k to my friend, but is trying to pretend it never happened. She even changed her cell phone number to try and avoid it. It's just one giant train wreck, and I'm so close to putting her up on ED for this and many more things.





			
				sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> http://staminarose.org/pt/?do=thread&id=4823&PHPSESSID=husviup3mdtu0mknir0ito3o15
> 
> 
> 
> This girl. I'm nearly as big as her, but I wear spanx to smooth things down so I don't have this huge apron over every outfit I wear. Also her attitude is terrible. Paranoia, and she keyed people's cars because they were parked in front of her moms house. Her mom hates her too. To the point where she hides food from her.



Oh my God... this girl is just... . I have no words.


----------



## Bugaboo (Aug 23, 2013)

Why is her mother hiding food? Does she eat everything and leave her none or is this some form of strange punishment?


----------



## Picklepower (Aug 23, 2013)

Melchett said:
			
		

> Just remembered my boyfriends brother, whom I mentioned in a thread in Chris:
> 
> He's 26 and... Just not right. He lives hundreds of miles from us but he came down to visit and when I met him I was like "eh he's immature but whatever."
> 
> ...




Woa are you sure you didn't make the wrong choice between the two brothers? This guy sounds like he has sooo much to offer.  

"whatever little boys on little boys is called"

EWWW, you mean Shota? I'm all for erotic comics, but that's were it gets super fuckin creepy. btw, don't Google Shota. Yaoi depicts older teens or adults, (a sub genre. Bara, depicts hairy muscle men.) But Shota, is for pedoforks. Japan is waaaay to relaxed about pedophilia, in my opinion.


----------



## HiddenCocks (Aug 23, 2013)

Straight-edge kids.

Edgy internet atheists.

Anything with edge in it.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Aug 23, 2013)

The girl I brought up yesterday, Saxon, also like sells tights online? I guess she gets them printed or something. You would think since she's big she would sell them in plus sizes too, but no:



> The tight product CAN be worn on the legs up to a size US 30 petite however the waist band does not fit around the waist so if you are comfortable wearing the tights around the top of your thighs, there should be no issue of fit in the leg dept. Other wise the tight product still can fit up to a size 20 no issue.



Wearing tights at the TOP of your thighs?? Can we say chaifing? Can we say barely able to walk?


----------



## JarlaxleBaenre (Aug 24, 2013)

That Batfans whose death-threats got the comment section on _The Dark Knight Rises_ reviews closed down. I think that was on Rotten Tomatos. They're at it again!: http://movies.yahoo.com/news/fans-petit ... 52377.html These guys are a hoot.


----------



## AtroposHeart (Aug 24, 2013)

Here is an update on Ginny-Chan. Calmmytits has not rpged with her in ten months, but she won't take the hint. She messages her several times a week, ALWAYS begging for an rpg. Calmmytits has told her the issues like her females always having the same annoying personality and wanting to do the same plot; again and AGAIN. One of her constant plots is her being a slave(In a fantasy rpg, not historical) and when Calmmytits called it a fetish, Ginny-chan denied it and said it was just a story plot she really liked. Also Calmmytits has told her time and time again to get another rpg partner, but Ginny-Chan refuses too.

However, I personally think Ginny-Chan is lying about not having an rpg partner because I once rpged with her and she told me she had another rpg to finish. I know she was not rpging with Calmmytits at this time.


----------



## exball (Aug 24, 2013)

AtroposHeart said:
			
		

> Here is an update on Ginny-Chan. Calmmytits has not rpged with her in ten months, but she won't take the hint. She messages her several times a week, ALWAYS begging for an rpg. Calmmytits has told her the issues like her females always having the same annoying personality and wanting to do the same plot; again and AGAIN. One of her constant plots is her being a slave(In a fantasy rpg, not historical) and when Calmmytits called it a fetish, Ginny-chan denied it and said it was just a story plot she really liked. Also Calmmytits has told her time and time again to get another rpg partner, but Ginny-Chan refuses too.
> 
> However, I personally think Ginny-Chan is lying about not having an rpg partner because I once rpged with her and she told me she had another rpg to finish. I know she was not rpging with Calmmytits at this time.



Who?


----------



## Shadow Fox (Aug 26, 2013)

I discovered this person earlier this year and spent some time reading her blog, which sadly hasn't been updated since 2010.  She's one of those people that gets super obsessed with fictional characters and imagines herself in a romantic relationship with them.



Spoiler






> There is one thing in this world that is bugging me and
> always has. People think that when they break-up with thier boyfriends that the world has ended and everyone should stop
> just for thier sake.
> I can tell you now, I think that anyone who has had a deep crush on an anime character can say that they have had it worse.
> ...






First it was Naruto:


Spoiler






> Yeah.... I had a dream the other night about Naruto.
> You see I was "good" friends with him and we went to see these rich people who's daughter was raped on the same day we went to see her a year before.
> But still... they invited us over. I didn't know these people very well but I went anyway.
> You see I had Naruto by an elastic band (as a joke)like a leash and was leading him around.
> ...






Then Ed Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist:


Spoiler






> So I got Fullmetal Alchemist DVD number 2 last night.
> 
> Watched it.
> 
> ...






There was more stuff similar to this - terrible RP logs and fanfiction she wrote starring her self-insert character - just with celebrities like Viggo Mortinsen(sp?) and Dominic something-or-other who played a character in the Lord of the Rings movies.  I think she was around 21 or so when she wrote the above two entries about Naruto and Ed, well past the "should have known better" age.

She also believes that reading books is the sign of a stagnating mind and thinks that the fact she refuses to read is evidence that she's a creative genius or something.  I don't know.


----------



## Bugaboo (Aug 26, 2013)

She's asking people to grow up when she's dating fictional people.
Yeah...


----------



## Himawari (Aug 29, 2013)

Not exactly a personal lolcow, just a minor thing that I stumbled upon...

http://vivisinclair.deviantart.com/jour ... -395811741

_what_


----------



## Bumbling Hedgehog (Aug 29, 2013)

Misogynist Incels. All of them.


----------



## Count groudon (Aug 31, 2013)

Ok so there's this guy at my school and he's like, the biggest wigger ever. He desperately wants to be a rapper, and calls himself "the TK Kid" (wtf does that even mean?). He posts these lame songs on youtube that have only like, maybe 25 views. And he brags about how famous he is on youtube and how he's gonna be the next eminem. Yknow, typical wigger shit. Anyways he always tries to start rap "battles" with people (even though they just mostly ignore him) and he's exceedingly terrible at it. All he does is list their features and characteristics and occasionally call then gay. "Hey yo, so check this shit out. Like really? You wearin a striped shirt, look like dirt. Why your voice be so deep, cause you suckin all that dick? Ohhhhhhhhhh!" (Word for word what he said the other day.) he's such a little bitch too, all you have to do is call him gay once and he'll literally be in tears whining about being "oppressed".
Oh and he's also one of those kids who claims to be a "hardcore stoner   " but in reality he just smokes half a blunt and passes the fuck out. And the worst part is, he thinks we're friends so he never stops following me.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Aug 31, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> She found out that Stamina Rose forums was teasing her, so she locked her twitter.
> 
> highlights:
> 
> ...



I had to stop reading the stamina rose thread about her, not to sound like a whiney fat, but the thread just became into "let's make fun of all fat people & not just this trainwreck!" which is a shame, because this chick was an amazing lolcow.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Sep 3, 2013)

I couldn't resist, Saxy is such a trainwreck. She's claiming that someone is flashing her now:

http://staminarose.org/pt/src/137816414621.png


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Sep 4, 2013)

Saxy wore this to a hair appointment. I just. She's making other big girls who dress for their size look bad.


----------



## Saney (Sep 19, 2013)

Racist people are nuts.


> The Jedi (the 'good' guys) were blatantly pro-multiculturalism. To earn "light points" you would have to give answers like "Race doesn't matter, any race can be great with the force, even freakish, uncivilized aliens." (in essence)
> 
> They were also damn near pacifists.
> 
> ...


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Sep 19, 2013)

There's a guy who serves as a volunteer for my student government class, and so far has only shown up at our official meetings so he was a total stranger when he first showed up. First thing he did was to start arguing with our President about why we do the pledge of allegiance, next he went on about how our school's mental health resource fair was useless, he tried to convince us that we should change our name from ASCC to "Inception" _all in the first day_.
Last meeting we had to extend out time by 10 minutes because he wanted to do this whole speech about chemical weapons and how the atmosphere is going to become combustible or something, and apparently the student government  of a badly funded barely accredited community collage can do something about it. 
I'm just about to go to a meeting now, I'm expecting some interesting comments from him.


----------



## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Sep 19, 2013)

Way way back in the day it was Peter Guerin, who was sort of the Ahuyiva of the early-2000s "Daria" fandom. He wrote a bunch of weird, disturbing, super-violent, horribly long fanfics that mashed together Daria with whatever he was into that week (Sailor Moon, Gunsmith Cats/Riding Bean, Sanford & Son[!], Rage Against the Machine). Insanely religious (Christian), insanely political (Communist), blind to the fact that these were opposing ideologies, racist, sexist, homophobic, and unable to take criticism of any kind (behold, the proto-DevianTARD), he would end his fics with fifty page long rants about how Communism was the greatest political system ever devised, how Japan is the pinnacle of human civilization, and how those evil Nazi RethugliKKKan KKKonservatives make it impossible for a good boyfriend-free Jesus-loving Marxist to get a job (he was in his late thirties[!] when he wrote these fics and had never been employed before.)

I looked him up a few months back, and he's pushing fifty and still unemployed and living with family members.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Sep 21, 2013)

Just blocked this creeper from Flickr tonight who tried commenting on some of my old magazine scans:

http://m.flickr.com/#/photos/shiroibasketshoes/

Like why do you have a pic of new teenage girl magazines when you are a grown man.


----------



## Pine Tar (Sep 21, 2013)

Francis E. Dec said:
			
		

> Way way back in the day it was Peter Guerin, who was sort of the Ahuyiva of the early-2000s "Daria" fandom. He wrote a bunch of weird, disturbing, super-violent, horribly long fanfics that mashed together Daria with whatever he was into that week (Sailor Moon, Gunsmith Cats/Riding Bean, Sanford & Son[!], Rage Against the Machine). Insanely religious (Christian), insanely political (Communist), blind to the fact that these were opposing ideologies, racist, sexist, homophobic, and unable to take criticism of any kind (behold, the proto-DevianTARD), he would end his fics with fifty page long rants about how Communism was the greatest political system ever devised, how Japan is the pinnacle of human civilization, and how those evil Nazi RethugliKKKan KKKonservatives make it impossible for a good boyfriend-free Jesus-loving Marxist to get a job (he was in his late thirties[!] when he wrote these fics and had never been employed before.)
> 
> I looked him up a few months back, and he's pushing fifty and still unemployed and living with family members.



If I offend anyone with this, I'm sorry, but every Socialist/Communist/Marxist I've met is a lazy bastard. Maybe that's why the ideology appeals to the people I've met? I'm sure there are hardworking people who believe in those ideologies, but this is just my personal experience with a shitty socialist roommate who tried living rent-free and a few other people talking.


----------



## José Mourinho (Sep 22, 2013)

Oh boy, I missed that lolcow. *bubblesishot46853*, a friend of Casey Decker. I haven't followed him in months.

[youtube]FAJJ1hH7clU[/youtube]

This guy hates Iris all because she beats his favourite character Georgia. (Correct me if I'm wrong)

His dA journals are also hilarious and cringey too.

1. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -391166260
_*BOO HOO I WASTED 80 DA POINTS FOR GIVING A DA USER A BIRTHDAY CAKE ;(*_
2. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -364263491
An ironic journal.
3. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -348827784
Creating a group dedicated to feet of Pokegirls with _"NO AGE LIMITS"_.
4. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -340341710
The infamous journal which got over 1000 comments. *FUCK YOU CAMERON! YOU ARE A SAD EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, AND I HOPE YOU DIE AND BURN IN HELL!!!*
5. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -332030738
*WAAAHHH!!!! IRIS DID NOT DESERVE TO WIN AGAINST GEORGIA!!!!!111ONE*
6. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -316290350
A journal about analysing feet of Bianca. No. Not joking.
7. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -278420313
Whining about pedophilic accusations.
8. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -262530045
Whining about people whining about the current Pokemon anime.
9. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -258591012
Fun fact: He has a gore fetish.
10. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -258229978
Him posting about Bubbles from Powerpuff Girls.
11. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -256069898
Him whining about not being a pedophile.
12. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -215532340
Him believing that Arceus is actually the God of the Earth. No. Not joking.
13. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -222537065
Him posting about fetishes he understands.
14. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -223885078
Him posting about his erotic Pokemon dream, and wants an episode of it.
15. http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com ... -225357220
Him analysing feet of Kat and Ana.


----------



## TastyWoodenBadge (Sep 22, 2013)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> Oh boy, I missed that lolcow. *bubblesishot46853*, a friend of Casey Decker. I haven't followed him in months.
> 
> [youtube]FAJJ1hH7clU[/youtube]
> 
> ...



Alan, this needs to be a separate thread

http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com/journal/Remembrance-399586582

Dude, not funny.


----------



## exball (Sep 22, 2013)

TastyWB 2.0 said:
			
		

> Alan, this needs to be a separate thread
> 
> http://bubblesishot46853.deviantart.com/journal/Remembrance-399586582
> 
> Dude, not funny.



Chris has more tact then that.


----------



## Roger Rabbit (Sep 22, 2013)

Ozzyguy. Lesser known, but he is lulzy enough.

www.ozzyguy.deviantart.com


----------



## TastyWoodenBadge (Sep 22, 2013)

RogerRabbit1988 said:
			
		

> Ozzyguy. Lesser known, but he is lulzy enough.
> 
> http://www.ozzyguy.deviantart.com



http://ozzyguy.deviantart.com/journal/New-series-Toons-New-Generation-398751991#comments

Please don't ruin classic cartoon characters with god awful OC's.


----------



## GV 002 (Sep 27, 2013)

Kolink from Pokefarm.com, Snapesnogger from DA (from ye olde ED trollins), and Ebon Lupus (again, back in the glory days when he was posting everywhere).  All are pathetic, gross and funny at the same time.


----------



## PvtRichardCranium (Sep 28, 2013)

There was this kid I knew in highschool that absolutely hated Mexicans and Bosnians (why?). He was this ginger redneck kid that was always threatening to shoot everyone in the school, and eventually people stopped taking his threats seriously.
His name was Payne Brimley. I'm pretty sure he has a Failbook but I haven't checked. Anyway, he hated when people said his last name because he hated his biological dad so I started calling him Payne Brimjob. It kind of caught on from there. These are the tales of Payne Brimjob.

Brimjob Versus PvtRichardCranium


Spoiler



One day he was throwing stuff at me for some reason so I went up to him and slapped him in the back of the head. I didn't realize how hard I hit him and his face flew forward and hit the CRT Dell monitor he was sitting at. He started crying and saying I was going to hell and I got suspended.

So I stayed home all day and played Command and Conquer.

It was awesome



Brimjob Versus Megan.


Spoiler



There was this chick that he for some reason had a thing for named Megan. Anyway, he was always sitting next to her and doing that douchebag thing where he would laugh twice as hard than other people at her unfunny jokes whenever she told one. So one day, Payne grew a sack and asked her out. Except he didn't ask her out, he said: "You know, I've always had a crush on you. How does that make you feel?"

After a few moments of awkward silence, Payne said: "I love you. You're hot."

Megan just sat there for a second and then left the room. Then her boyfriend kicked Payne's ass.

Her boyfriend got suspended and went to my house and we played Command and Conquer all day.

It was awesome.



Brimjob versus PrivateRichardCranium: Part Two: Super Homo Edition


Spoiler



One time Payne said that everyone in the school was a Super Homo. So for a while, we started calling him Super Homo Brimjob. He figured out that I was the one who came up with the nickname Payne Brimjob, and he came up to me and started calling me a Super Homo when he was in my gym class. He was pushing me and trying to knock me down. I looked at the gym teacher who was a total hardass, and he just said: "Don't be a pussy and fight back." We were playing basketball so I threw the basketball at his face. It bounced off and I caught it. He started running away crying (this was after I smacked him) and at this point I thought "what the hell" and hit him in the back of the head with it. He fell down and just lay there for a while. We went back to playing basketball without him.

Since it was the gym teacher and he never reports petty violence like that I didn't get suspended and didn't spend all day playing Command and Conquer.

It was still awesome though.


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## TheRedRanger (Sep 30, 2013)

Well, there's this ad that came up in a local paper recently. I'm still debating whether or not to troll this guy, and how to do it...


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## exball (Sep 30, 2013)

PvtRichardCranium said:
			
		

> There was this kid I knew in highschool that absolutely hated Mexicans and Bosnians (why?). He was this ginger redneck kid that was always threatening to shoot everyone in the school, and eventually people stopped taking his threats seriously.
> His name was Payne Brimley. I'm pretty sure he has a Failbook but I haven't checked. Anyway, he hated when people said his last name because he hated his biological dad so I started calling him Payne Brimjob. It kind of caught on from there. These are the tales of Payne Brimjob.
> 
> Brimjob Versus PvtRichardCranium
> ...



Are you sure he's not Coppercab?


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## The Dude (Oct 1, 2013)

There was a kid in the town I grew up with who used to beat me up. He even did time in the kiddy clink for it, among other criminal things. Years later my Dad, who worked for the Department of Corrections, comes home and hands me a file. He says "remember this asshole?" I look and lo and behold it's the guy's criminal record, including time spent in the Utah State Prison. A couple years more go by and I'm reading an article about him being involved in three race related beatings with two other men, and then ratted out the other guys, including the head of a local White Power group, to get a reduced sentence. Last I heard there were a few Skinheads who are looking for his ass for being a race traitor.


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## José Mourinho (Oct 1, 2013)

I almost forgot this user as well: *pkstarstorm1up*, used to rage about people posting "lies" about his so-called underrated game "Sonic '06". Used to follow him like two years ago. Well, missed some stuff:

1. http://pkstarstorm1up.deviantart.com/jo ... -372337530


> Look I've changed.  I used to be a flaming idiot who would white knight this game and defend it from all criticism.  It's a very flawed game and it REALLY could have done with another year or two of development time to fix it's glitches and tune up it's collision detection and improve it's physics.  It does deserve the thrashing it receives and I ADMIT AND AGREE WITH THAT NOW!!!!!  So you can stop with the annoying and hurtful comments on things like the Sega Wiki (seriously I've not been doing what it says I've been doing for almost a year now) and you can stop acting as if I'm the same fanboy I used to be!  *I still like the game and have fun with it but I'm not a Sonic 06 fanboy anymore and I'm not going to defend it from every criticism anymore!*



2. His YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/pkstarstorm1up/


> I still enjoy 06 for the good things in it but I'm not some idiotic noob who goes about saying respect my opinion but I won't respect yours! No if anyone found me funny it was because they thought I was trolling when I sadly wasn't. I'm not going back to the Sega forums and I'm not joining Sonic Stadium either. While I was completely in the wrong for how I acted before getting banned that doesn't excuse the fact that that website is basically encouraging cyberbullying by having a wikia page dedicated to making me look bad for what I did in the past (that and sometimes the stuff on it isn't even true) therefore I would NEVER be a member of a website who supports something as terrible as bullying (especially since heck it's a freaking wikia page of a video game series. Real life people or users are not meant to be featured as articles on there unless they have contributed﻿ to said series which I haven't.) Sorry if that came off as harsh but I'm not going back there.



3. http://segaforums.wikia.com/wiki/Pkstarstorm1up
Oh my God. *He even had a SEGA Forums wiki article criticising him.*

4. http://blazehedgehog.tumblr.com/post/19 ... -3-12-2012
A Tumblr post about him.

5. http://sonic.wikia.com/wiki/User_talkkstarstorm1up
His talk page on the Sonic wiki.

6. http://forums.sega.com/member.php?157651-pkstarstorm1up
His account on the SEGA forums.

6.1: http://forums.sega.com/showthread.php?4 ... liked-more
His thread about why he thinks Sonic '06 is *"a great game and why it's should be liked more"*.


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## Stalin (Oct 1, 2013)

Nazi slash writers. I don't get it. None of the High Command officers were attractive. What is there for teenage girls to like? Is it the uniforms? I just don't understand.


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## c-no (Oct 1, 2013)

Stalin said:
			
		

> Nazi slash writers. I don't get it. None of the High Command officers were attractive. What is there for teenage girls to like? Is it the uniforms? I just don't understand.


I'm guessing they write slash about Nazi's simply because of the uniforms (which according to TV Tropes and Wikipedia) were by Hugo Boss. Only other reason I can think off is that some of them might be neo-Nazi's but then again aren't some neo-Nazi's homophobes?


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## Stalin (Oct 1, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> Stalin said:
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Their uniforms may have been cool but that doesn't mean I want to read Hitler/Himmler slash. 

Yes, neo-Nazi's are homophobes. Basically any white supremacy group is since gay people don't have kids and produce more white people. 

I just find it wildly disrespectful to all the gay people that died in the concentration camps.


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## BT 075 (Oct 1, 2013)

Stalin said:
			
		

> Nazi slash writers. I don't get it. None of the High Command officers were attractive.



*Ahum*... young Hitler was quite a classy mofo:






Young Stalin's intense gaze and poofy hair, all gelled up, sure gives Der Fuhrer a run for his money though:






Then there's Goebbels. He wasn't much to look at but being a bit of a cripple, by wizardchan logic he must have been a quite a beast in the sack.
Talk about animal magnetism...


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## c-no (Oct 1, 2013)

Stalin said:
			
		

> c-no said:
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If there is one thing I'd like to say about military uniforms, I think the Soviet uniforms look better than the Nazi, though I only say since I played MGS 3.


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## Bugaboo (Oct 1, 2013)

Chanbob said:
			
		

> Kolink from Pokefarm.com, Snapesnogger from DA (from ye olde ED trollins), and Ebon Lupus (again, back in the glory days when he was posting everywhere).  All are pathetic, gross and funny at the same time.


I'm curious what has Kolink done other than be a crazy dictator and a hardass who doesn't like people having fun? Does he secretly have a hilarious life?


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## John Titor (Oct 2, 2013)

http://steveanime.deviantart.com

Has an unhealthy fixation with: Chuck E. Cheese's, Officer Jenny (Pokemon), Mitsuru Kirijou (Persona), Michael Jackson and theme parks. He seems to pester a lot of artists to draw for him; I should know, I was one of them. I noticed comments from other people that are annoyed by him, but I'm too lazy to take screenshots. He's rather troll-resistant since any ounce of negativity is blocked-on-site.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 2, 2013)

John Titor said:
			
		

> http://steveanime.deviantart.com
> 
> Has an unhealthy fixation with: Chuck E. Cheese's, Officer Jenny (Pokemon), Mitsuru Kirijou (Persona), Michael Jackson and theme parks. He seems to pester a lot of artists to draw for him; I should know, I was one of them. I noticed comments from other people that are annoyed by him, but I'm too lazy to take screenshots. He's rather troll-resistant since any ounce of negativity is blocked-on-site.




He messed with mst3k  

http://steveanime.deviantart.com/art/Ch ... Anime&qo=2


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## exball (Oct 2, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> John Titor said:
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> ...



That was supposed to be funny?


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## pickleniggo (Oct 3, 2013)

I'm in a real talkative mood this evening, so I'm going to share with you my ultimate personal lolcow: Lily.

Lily is related to my friend via an unfortunate union (she's not actually a blood relative is what I'm saying here). The first time I'd heard of her was a few years ago on a trip to Target with said friend, who was buying a gift for Lily's newborn "baby". Keep those quotes in mind. That same night my friend texts Lily asking when is a good time to visit her and the baby, but doesn't get an answer. The next day she reads a post on Lily's myspace stating, "If you recently purchased anything for [kid's name, whatever it was doesn't matter and you'll see why], please return it as they passed away last night from SIDS." 
My friend told me this and that she confirmed via relatives that this baby never existed. This girl was posting someone else's baby pictures online, claiming them to be hers. There were no pictures of her and the baby. Just a random baby. I'm never going to forget when we went back to Target to return the baby clothes and the woman at the guest services counter goes, "Oh who had a baby?!" and my friend looked at her and said so bluntly, "NO ONE." I almost died.

This is where the story of Lily would end....if it HAD an ending. 

Since that incident we've come to the realization that this girl is a textbook compulsive liar. She's our personal case study. Every few months, she becomes "pregnant" by some random dude that she's "dating" until they get "engaged" and then she has a "miscarriage".  This isn't a one-off thing. _She does this at least twice a year._ If she isn't creating fake babies, then it's the fake facebook profiles for her "boyfriends" and "besties". She had the balls to make up a guy who had kids, only to say that one of his kids was tragically hit by a car and died. Two weeks later she was seeing someone else who coincidentally also had a private profile who's timeline began the month before.
I should probably mention that Lily is a giant bulldog of a woman. I got the honor of meeting her when she was in town at a rando's house party one night. She's built like a linebacker and has the deepest voice I've ever heard come from an alleged female. To the normal person she's incredibly intimidating to be around because of her size and because she has a really shitty attitude, but I must've been super nice to her when I met her (drunk pickleniggo is always a blast to be around - especially around awkward people she may have dirt on) because she found me on facebook hours later.

BUT WAIT IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER, Y'ALL. 

One time, Lily posted a sonogram stating it was hers. But something about the sonogram just didn't add up. In fact the font on some of it - such as her name and the date - didn't match the font or even the pixellation of other parts. Then I noticed a really strange blotch in the corner. For shits and giggles, I popped it in photoshop and matched the blotch to a similar part of the sonogram and figured out that she took a piece of the original image, copied it and squished it over what must've been the original text on the sonogram. *This is how insane she is.*

I could go on about other things she's done, but it's all pretty much of the same. She eventually un-friended me, probably because it became obvious that I would only comment things like, "OH HOW EXCITING WHEN'S THE BABY DUE." (  )


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## Surtur (Oct 3, 2013)

Yea I hate people like that.


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## Bugaboo (Oct 3, 2013)

My one's friend's sister does that except she makes up shit about her having cancer all the time and keeps saying she gets it removed and it keeps coming back or some shit.


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## pickleniggo (Oct 3, 2013)

I still can't believe this girl exists. Like as I live and breathe she is probably sitting at her computer creating a facebook page for her new "boyfriend". That's so fucking CREEPY.


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## cypocraphy (Oct 3, 2013)

Lily sounds like she's destined to have her story told on an ID Discovery show.


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## Saney (Oct 3, 2013)

revengeofphil said:
			
		

> My one's friend's sister does that except she makes up shit about her having cancer all the time and keeps saying she gets it removed and it keeps coming back or some shit.


Is your friend's sister Yuethedragon?


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## spaps (Oct 3, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> I'm in a real talkative mood this evening, so I'm going to share with you my ultimate personal lolcow: Lily.
> 
> Lily is related to my friend via an unfortunate union (she's not actually a blood relative is what I'm saying here). The first time I'd heard of her was a few years ago on a trip to Target with said friend, who was buying a gift for Lily's newborn "baby". Keep those quotes in mind. That same night my friend texts Lily asking when is a good time to visit her and the baby, but doesn't get an answer. The next day she reads a post on Lily's myspace stating, "If you recently purchased anything for [kid's name, whatever it was doesn't matter and you'll see why], please return it as they passed away last night from SIDS."
> My friend told me this and that she confirmed via relatives that this baby never existed. This girl was posting someone else's baby pictures online, claiming them to be hers. There were no pictures of her and the baby. Just a random baby. I'm never going to forget when we went back to Target to return the baby clothes and the woman at the guest services counter goes, "Oh who had a baby?!" and my friend looked at her and said so bluntly, "NO ONE." I almost died.
> ...


You know Rose3212?


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## pickleniggo (Oct 3, 2013)

bungholio said:
			
		

> Lily sounds like she's destined to have her story told on an ID Discovery show.



I really wouldn't be shocked. My friend and I joke about her a lot but then sometimes we have moments of realization where it's like, this is a real person and she's probably going to harm someone one day if they try to break her false reality.


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## Kamen Rider Black RX (Oct 3, 2013)

The hyperactive fans of Power Rangers Megaforce. This season is mediocre, even by Power Rangers standards, and these guys go on like it's opening the gates of Heaven. They also hate a fan-favorite season, RPM, and rant about it constantly. Recently, these guys are going "You guys yell at us every time we raise shit about RPM, yet when someone bashes Megaforce you let them. You guys are so hypocritical." 

Since these guys never justify why it is good, recently I'm asking them to defend their position. It goes about as well as you expect.


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## the_rhino (Oct 4, 2013)

Arround my school, there were propbly a lot of people who would be considerable lolcow material, but there is one note-worthy, as I encountered it all first-hand. Let's call that guy "W".

"W" was for most parts as I met him pretty normal. The usual anime-fan you meet all the time(DBZ, Pokemon, etc). We hung out as I was something like a closet-weeaboo myself back then(I tend to favour western comics nowadays). As a metalhead I introduced him to his first bands, pretty normal stuff, right?

Some time later, he began to grow a mild obsession with everything horror(Especially the chiiler/gothic-horror and vampire genres). It wasn't that alarming, although it was kinda ridicoulous when he started to dress this part. Think of a 2 meters tall, obese and autistic Coffin Joe.  

One day in the evening, I received a phone-call of him, he sounded kinda shaken. It went something like this(dunno the exact wording, though)

Me: What's up?
W: I th-th-th-think I-I-I-I've been followed.(He had a speech-impediment and allways stuttered)
Me:...What?
W:Someebody stalks me, dude!

He then began to tell me a story about how a clan of Vampires were trrying to make him one of them and as he refused, they swore to "hunt him down and hurt him and his family n friends".

So one day during lunch-break, he sees this goth-chick and gets all pale(even paler than he allready was) and shaking. He musters all the courage up, shambles to her and stutters "A-a-a-are you a V-V-V-Vampire?" 
As she was an Aspie herself, she happily stated "Yes I am". BAM!

He suddenly starts to loose his shit, kicks her in the stomach and draws this huge-ass, made-in-china novelty dragon-dagger and shouts on top of his lungs "I will purge your existence from this earth, mudblood!!!!" As he starts to use his knife-skills(read: wave the knife back and forth in her general direction) 2 friends and I tackled him down, as some teachers came. He wasn't kicked out of school, but had to go to some mental institution.

During that time, I left school and started to work. When I got in touch with him again, as my brother and sister-in-law are practically his neighbours, I found out that it didn't really work out for him. The hospital stay, I mean. He started to live with a likewise obese and weird girl who had more or less the same interest(And B.O.).

They never admitted it to me, but my brother told me stories that they claim they are half-vampire/half-angel beings, who are hunting werewolfs for the malkavian kingdome. I won't delve sooo much into details, as it was your run-down-the-mill wish-fullfilment fantasy every unemploied basement dweller has.

I have no idea what they are doing nowadays, since I moved to bulgaria a while later and my brother and I have a silent agreement of better not talking about them. Just like the elephant in your room.


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## exball (Oct 4, 2013)

the_rhino said:
			
		

> One day in the evening, I received a phone-call of him, he sounded kinda shaken. It went something like this(dunno the exact wording, though)
> 
> Me: What's up?
> W: I th-th-th-think I-I-I-I've been followed.(He had a speech-impediment and allways stuttered)
> ...



Alright, Rhino wins everybody. Personal lolcows is over. Good game everybody.


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## PvtRichardCranium (Oct 5, 2013)

exball said:
			
		

> Alright, Rhino wins everybody. Personal lolcows is over. Good game everybody.



Bullshit.

Okay, so there's this girl named Rebecca. Her last name has a Mc in it and she was fat. Really fucking fat. We'll get to that in a minute.

So Rebecca was kind of... off. She just didn't know when to shut up. She just couldn't stop. One time she couldn't stop talking about how she was never going to get boyfriends and how nobody liked her even though she had a great personality. This was in the middle of group (I was in what you could call a "special class" due to my violent behavior so I have a bunch of these stories) and she just decided to make it all about her, and how nobody liked her for no reason. I had had enough and screamed, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAT BITCH." Then she ran down the hallway. It was so fucking gross the way she jiggled. It was like staring into the asshole of Satan.

This other time my friend Brier, who's like me, except he can't control what he says, so he just says what's on his mind. Rebecca kept trying to come over and talk to us and she just wouldn't leave us alone. Finally Brier said these exact words, "I wish you were aborted."

Later we found out Rebecca didn't even know what an abortion was, but she obviously knew it was something bad because she bit Brier. She bit him. Not like a quick bite and release, no, she held on and gnawed a couple of times. Brier was genuinely scared that she was going to eat him so he punched her in the face (she bit off some of his flesh for Christsakes). When she ran off Brier looked at his fist and and it was just covered in sticky skin flakes and sweat.

This other time Rebecca started screaming that she was going to shoot everybody. So they called the school resource officer. She resisted and she ran. She got tazed. Electricity makes fat jiggle.

This was probably my crowning moment of awesome. I had almost beaten the shit out of this guy for coming into the gay straight alliance meeting I was going to and screaming "FAGGOTS" at the top of his lungs. I had knocked him down and was pulled away from him and I was crying because if I don't cry then I just punch everybody. So I was talking to one of the counselors and Rebecca said, "Nobody cares about your problems Richard."

I told her that she cared more about food than people, that she was never going to graduate high school unless they started requiring her to do do Baby Einstein shit and that the only time she would ever have sex is if she committed female rape.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 6, 2013)

> This was in the middle of group (I was in what you could call a "special class" due to my violent behavior so I have a bunch of these stories) and she just decided to make it all about her, and how nobody liked her for no reason. I had had enough and screamed, "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAT BITCH.



Oh , you are a class act.


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## exball (Oct 6, 2013)

PvtRichardCranium said:
			
		

> exball said:
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Rebecca never tried to kill someone with a novelty dragon dagger.


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## PvtRichardCranium (Oct 6, 2013)

exball said:
			
		

> Rebecca never tried to kill someone with a novelty dragon dagger.



I wouldn't put it past her.

If she wasn't afraid of knives.



			
				sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> Oh , you are a class act.



I didn't really care that she was fat. The problem was that she was one of those people that's in the "Fat Acceptance Movement". That and she was a bitch.

There was this one time where she pretended to be some hot girl on facebook just so she could talk to one of my other friends, Jeremiah, who wasn't too skinny himself (if he sits on you, you die). She was manipulating him for literally no reason whatsoever because she didn't even have any attraction towards him, as she only liked Anorexic skinny guys. She would have gotten away with it too if she hadn't of said "I''m pregnant with your child."


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 6, 2013)

oh geez this old lady in this vid:

[youtube]Shj1fjUA13Q[/youtube]

DON'T TOUCH HIM.


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## Picklepower (Oct 7, 2013)

I become obsessed with Chris Bores lately lol, What a bunch of cowabunga shiiit.


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## exball (Oct 7, 2013)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> I become obsessed with Chris Bores lately lol, What a bunch of cowabunga shiiit.


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## Bugaboo (Oct 7, 2013)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> I become obsessed with Chris Bores lately lol, What a bunch of cowabunga shiiit.


Is he legit an adult baby or is that just a photoshop job?
If so then  he just became a whole lot more hilarious


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## cypocraphy (Oct 7, 2013)

Photoshop. But it might as well be real.


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## Niggoat (Oct 7, 2013)

My favourite personal lolcow is a really, really weird 'friend' of mine who flips out whenever somebody says clopping (if you don't know what it is, don't Google it) is weird and/or disgusting and attempts to, erm, convert everyone to the MLP fandom.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 9, 2013)

I about flipped out when I was looking through my photobucket today and ran across this gem from last year:



Spoiler











There is this community on tumblr for girls who have crushes on their teachers. There was this one crazy bitch on there who claimed that she was in a relationship with her female teacher, and that she came over all the time, and when her parents were gone on business trips she'd spend the night (away from her family, wtf, she had kids). 

Well, the girl had a crush on two women teachers actually. She gave that HUGE Christmas box to the other teacher--and then claimed that the teacher began a relationship with her too. She even took pictures of "lingerie" the teacher bought for her -- that clearly looked used and was put through the wash cycle a few times. Sometime near valentines day, her ruse fell apart, and she said that the story was all lies, and in reality either one or both of the teachers, I forget pretty much told her to scram months ago. Everybody in the community (except for a few dumb girls) was like, "YEAH WE FIGURED THAT." 

There was actually a tumblr that analyzed all her lies, I found it an amusing read: http://weeheeheeeee.tumblr.com/page/2


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 9, 2013)

Spoiler






			
				sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> I about flipped out when I was looking through my photobucket today and ran across this gem from last year:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Why people like this always put THIS kind of information about themselves in the Internet?

I don't particularly care bout student-teacher relationships, as long as it is consensual and the couple knows what they are doing, but obviously you don't post that kind of thing in the 'net and not expect to be seen as really damn weird. Keep it to yourselves, jeez. It's not that hard.


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## exball (Oct 10, 2013)

junglist said:
			
		

> *NEW USER, FORGIVE ME IF ANYTHING IS WRONG*
> 
> I have been playing wargames (warhammer 40k) for about a year now, it got me out the rave scene in the UK which i was hanging out with dangerous people and doing stuff that....well was bad. Anyway me and my ex girlfriend started warhammer and the whole shop loved us, we were the stores token couple. Now my ex girlfriend was mixed race white and black and had high cheekbones so looked like she had Chinese family too. *Important*
> 
> ...



Rename your army the Punchy Sonichu attack squad.


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 11, 2013)

This is the story of my personal, favorite lolcow. Just to let you guys know, I've posted this story before on 789chan but people really seemed to like it.  So if it sounds familar to anyone, that's why. It's really long, so I'm going to put this under spoiler. 



Spoiler



I ended up sitting next to him during the district science fair. Every student in the district had a chance to compete, so it was a huge event. The Next Albert Einstein aka Bwenden, was not selected as a finalist and was having a tantrum off to the side.  We were all sitting quietly waiting for the superintendent to announce the winner when all of a suddenly Alec let out a fart like a gunshot.  The smell was gag inducing. All the kids around him got up and ran, laughing and screaming.  Alone in the center of the room, Alec raised his hand and announced “Sorry I farted”.  To this day, that phrase is sort of an in-joke among the people in my town. 

In 6th grade, Alec became obsessed with the movie Dinosaur. On the Friday before Christmas break, his math class was going nuts with excitement. The math teacher was having trouble lining them up for dismissal and they were in danger of missing the bus. Alec tugged on her sleeve and asked, “Can I help silence the class with my dinosaur sound?”. Then, Alec bellowed “UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKK” . The other students were speechless. 
Another great Alec moment was right after September 11th. The town had a little memorial event (because we were so close to the city a lot of locals died in the attack) and all the children from his class presented little peace poems. His poem not only blamed Gannodorf for 9/11 but also suggested that he be allowed to patrol the streets at night with a “machine- laser gun” that instead of killing terrorists would make them into poops. 

Alec and I were also in the same drivers ed car. Now, Alec had some sort of problem with his eyes where he only had peripheral vision.  I believe that this sort of condition is easily (well easily but painfully) corrected by surgery, but his parents refused to admit that their little cherub was less than perfect. His eyesight did seriously impair his driving, because he couldn’t see anything to the right or left of him. Many a guard rail was assaulted by Alec’s spastic driving. Anyway, the driving lessons were pretty normal on the first few sessions. The only problem at first was that Alec was so fat that not all the driving students could fit in the backseat of the car. His enormous girth made it hard for him to breath I guess, so he constantly sounded like he was wheezing. It made the car fog up, but he freaked out at the very suggestion of opening a window.  He was so sweaty and it was so tight in that backseat. I was constantly squished up against his salty sweaty body as he took his raspy darth vador breathes. Eventually we had to kick out a boy called Erik because there simply wasn’t enough room. 

He was such an awful driver. He jerked the car around, forgot safety rules, but every student driver is allowed a few mistakes. However, his failure to distinguish right from left quickly became a problem. One morning Alec was jerking us through a quiet suburban neighborhood just a few blocks from the high school. The driving teacher instructed him to turn right when he came a yield sign about twenty feet away. Alec however, decided to turn left immediately into someone’s front yard. He plowed over a plastic birdbath before the driving instructed managed to step on the breaks (the car had a duel break system). My head slammed into the seat in front of me, and I heard the other passengers moan in semi-pain before the swearing started. The instructor, a delightfully crazy Albanian man, was so enraged I think he actually forgot how to speak English. He shouted an incomprehensible flurry of wrath while miming strangulation to Alec. Alec started blubbering “I didn’t do it! I DIDN’T DOOOO IT”.  

“Well, who else did it you, dumb fuck?” snapped another passenger form the backseat. 

In response Alec made a noise that was eerily reminiscent of his dinosaur bellow from so many years ago. Only this time it was broken by the occasional terrified sob. “UuuKah! UuuKah!UUUUuuKAHUUUuuKah!” And like the dinosaur bellow, it had the same silencing effect. 
“Ok.” Said the driving instructor, “Students, get out of car. No one has seen. We fix bath. Ok ?”

No one moved. “Now! Fix bath!” I saw the anger rising in him again so I quickly scrambled out of the car with the other passengers. The bird bath had broken into two pieces, but I could see that it actually was fixable. All we had to do was balance it just right, and no one would ever have to find out. We pulled the bath out from under the car, and after a few minutes of careful adjustment and Albanian swear words, the bird bath was restored. We re-entered the car. Alec got back behind the wheel and just as our crazy Albanian was saying, “Reversing the car now. Go slow,” Alec slammed on the gas petal and lurched us forward into the bird bath once again. My head met the seat in front of me once again, but much harder this time. The driving instructor had exploded once more into fits of Albanian rage. He leaped out of the car and we followed suit. The bird bath was utterly destroyed. We stood around the carnage in silence. Alec bent down pick up one of the largest pieces of plaster. I suppose he thought he would just reconstruct the dozens of tiny pieces and be done with it. “You stop! Idiot boy! Retard! Get in car, all you. I drive home,” shouted the instructor. 

“But it’s my turn!” whined Alec. 
“Shut up! No talk! Anyone!” The instructor held open the passenger seat door. Alec and the other student got in but he stopped me. “You are shotgun” In all the confusion I didn’t immediately associate that phrase with car seating and for a split second I thought he meant for me to shoot Alec. I got into the car while Alec moaned, “It’s not faaair! She’s taking my turnnnn! She’s taking it! Uuuuuuuuuuuuguk!” 
“No talk! Shut up! Shut up!” 

After that, Alec was banned from drivers Ed and Erik rejoined the car. I’ve driving past the bird bath house since. The bath is now gone and has never been replaced. I don’t think the bath owner’s ever figured out what happened that day.


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## John Titor (Oct 11, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> This is the story of my personal, favorite lolcow. Just to let you guys know, I've posted this story before on 789chan but people really seemed to like it.  So if it sounds familar to anyone, that's why. It's really long, so I'm going to put this under spoiler.



Do you have any more of this guy?


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 12, 2013)

John Titor said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
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> 
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Tons, but none as good as murdering a birdbath in broad daylight. I have great stuff about his older brother though. They were a whole family of lolcows. I'll post some tomorrow.


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## Mr. 0 (Oct 12, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> *His poem not only blamed Ganondorf for 9/11* but also suggested that he be allowed to patrol the streets at night with a “machine- laser gun” that instead of killing terrorists would make them into poops.


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## John Titor (Oct 12, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> John Titor said:
> 
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Whole family?! Take your time because I like where this is going. (and I think we need a popcorn eating emoticon)


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## TastyWoodenBadge (Oct 12, 2013)

John Titor said:
			
		

> (and I think we need a popcorn eating emoticon)



We already have one


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 13, 2013)

To continue the saga of Alec and his lolcow family, I bring you the story of his older brother B.J. I had a lot more interaction with B.J because he was my age and in my grade. He also had my mother as his forth grade teacher. Like I said before, the whole family were lolcows and the stories about them are legendary. I actually have wanted to record their stories for a long time, because they are so funny and it would be a shame to forget. 

I'll put it under the spoiler again. 


Spoiler



First of all, Brendan insisted on being called B.J. ]Not a great nick name, as far as those things are concerned, but he insisted on it because he couldn’t actually pronounce his own name. Even in twelfth grade, he was still calling himself “Bwenden” because he couldn’t say his “R’s”. I first met B.J when we were in 5th grade. My school system was quite large, and consisted of several elementary schools feeding into two middle schools and finally one high school.  I went to a different school than him for 5th grade, but he was a student in the class that my mother taught, so I ended up having a lot of contact with him. 
It’s actually kind of a sad story, B.J probably would have been completely normal if it weren’t for his batshit insane father. On the first day of school B.J’s dad walked into the classroom and immediately began ripping down posters that he felt were distracting because “B.J was often upset by bright colors and loud sounds”. Posters, as you all well know because you are not completely retarded, do not make sound and bright colors are not frightening. Maybe, maybe you could justify rearranging a classroom to suit a child’s needs if the student had autism or some sort of visual processing disorder, but B.J was completely fine. 
B.J’s father had also convinced him that he was a genius. He wouldn’t allow the kid to go to speech therapy even though he desperately needed it. He insisted that B.J be put in the gifted and talented program even though B.J was pretty below average in all subjects except reading. He couldn’t really handle the extra work load and it did hurt him academically. 

One day my mom was supervising the students in the school library when she noticed B.J writing in one of the books. It was a picture book biography of Albert Einstein. In the 2 glossy blank pages at the end of the book, B.J had written, “Brendan (last name) is considered by most to be the next Albert Einstein. He began displaying genius as soon as he was born and has the highest intelligence of anyone ever recorded. Look for books about Brendan at the next (The school’s name) book fair” 
For his next book report, he wrote something titled, “Brendan (last name): The next Albert Einstein. By B.J (last name).”  He did a book report on a biography about himself that didn’t exist. My mother didn’t quite know what to do, so she had him evaluated by the school shrink. The kid obliviously needed serious help but his father refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong. In fact, he wanted to sue the school for suggesting that his child might need psychological help. 
Shortly after that, B.J started turning homework and quizzes with the moniker, “B.J a.k.a The Next Albert Einstein”. The whole situation came to a head when my mom wanted to show a movie to the class around Martin Luther King Jr. day. But B.J wouldn’t have it. He raised his hand and said, “I do not want to see this movie. I would like to watch the hobbit. The movie is available in the school libwawee. I will watch the class while you go went it.” My mom told him in the nicest, teachery-est way possible to shut the fuck up and deal with it.  B.J screamed at the top of his lungs and tried to throw his desk at her. Being a chubby weakling, he only managed to knock it over on another kid’s foot. This kid, who later turned out to be pretty awesome, had had enough of B.J’s shit and punched him in the eye. Both kids got in trouble but B.J actually got suspended for the rest of the week.

The only other childhood story that I know about B.J is when he moved house in 8th grade. His mom took him to a church closer to their new neighborhood and then second they walked through the door he screamed “GOD DOES NOT LIVE HEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” . 

I didn’t see B.J again till high school but by then he had developed a reputation for being a complete psycho. His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart, so B.J was living with his equally crazy mother. B.J was in my English class for 11th grade.
Here’s really where things get interesting. For some odd reason my English class had 16 girls in it and only  2 boys. Immediately, 7 kids dropped the class because it was an A.P writing class that conflicted with a different A.P science class. After the mini exodus, B.J remained the only male and seemed to be quite pleased about this.
For our first assignment we had a write a short creative piece on whatever subject we liked. B.J. instantly raised his hand and said in this strangely melodic voice, “Yes, and awe we going to be leawning to white ewwotica or pownogwaaphic fiction?” 
The poor teacher looked like she was going to shit a brick. “This is a high school English class.” She reminded him. “Ohh I weally want to white ewwotic fiction” He looked genuinely sad.  
After about ten minutes of chewing loudly on his pencil he made a loud whining noise and withdrew his head into his sweatshirt. His arms followed and he pulled the fabric over his knees. He made this little egg pose whenever the teacher asked him to complete an in class assignment or turn in homework. He never spoke or moved like this, no matter what anyone did. It was really really strange. 
The in addition to formal academic assignments (of which B.J failed to complete even one), the teacher had us spend each Friday reading our own creative pieces and receiving criticism from our classmates.   B.J spent each and every class writing furiously in a marble notebook until the bell rang.  Finally at the end of the week we would all be treated to the fruits of his labors. That first Friday I honestly had no idea what to expect. He opened up his marble notebook and said, “I know girls don’t play video games but do any of you know what the Wowuld of Wawwcwaft is?” I couldn’t help it. I had to giggle, just a little bit. He glared at me and explained that he had written a WoW fanfic based on real life people and what they would be like if they were WoW characters.  Apparently B.J had developed a serious crush on one of the really pretty girls in our class, named Danielle.  “Dani” was cast the heroic Prince Bwenden’s strong, sexy, dark elf companion who was madly in love with him but he was too noble to be tempted by her advances. He read the story in this funny fake deep voice, with lots of embellishes and sound effects. He was so into it, he didn’t notice that the class was shaking with laughter. At the end of the chapter he slammed the book down and retreated into his egg pose. 

It was like that every Friday. The teacher had him purposefully go last so that everyone could storm out as soon as the bell rang so that we could hide our laughter. Meanwhile, B.J was beginning to make the moves on Dani. Dani was a nice girl, definitely beautiful and she did not like being a part of B.J’s creepy tale. He started leaving her facebook messages that at first were pretty tame, things like “how did you like my story?” “How are you today?” “What is your cat’s name?”. Dani always responded politely and we thought that was that. He sent her a few amorous messages, my favorite being one about how she could depend on him to be a nice guy because he read Chicken Soup for the soul books. 

Things took a turn for the weird when the fanfic version of Dani got the valiant prince Bwenden drunk and tried to seduce him. B.J embellished the story with a lot of sound effects, a cringe- inducing falsetto voice for Dani. The teacher finally asked him to stop as dark elf Dani began rubbing her wet tits on valiant prince Bwendens lips. B.J whined and protested and eventually retreated into his egg pose. After class I heard her comforting actual Dani and told her that she contacted the school psychologist about B.J. 

But of course the fun didn’t stop there. The teacher naturally banned him from continuing his story if it was going to contain sexually explicated material, especially if it involved actual students. The next Friday he was so angry, he was taking long exaggerated breaths and kept his hood up over. I imagine that he though he looked pretty cool. When it came time for him to present, he stood up and started playing the air guitar. He then howled, what I suppose he though was some sort of Death metal song, but was just another opportunity for us to hear what Elmer Fudd would have sounded like had he done meth.  People in other classrooms thought that someone was hurt so they came running. It was pretty hilarious. 

A few weeks later Dani presented a story in which she recounted a memory about the day she peed herself after being hit in the crotch with a volley ball. Everyone was giggling and having a good time until B.J jumped up and strolled over to the door. He made no attempt to conceal his quite pronounced boner. We burst out laughing. “It’s not funny.” He said. “I can’t help it. This is natuwal.” He wasn’t embarrassed at all. The most I could say is that he was irritated that we were…laughing at his boner. He excused himself to the bathroom, which brought more shrieks of laughter. 

Pretty soon after the teacher had him kicked out of the class, which was probably the right thing to do.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 13, 2013)

I wanna know why his dad took a shit in Kmart.


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## random_pickle (Oct 13, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> To continue the saga of Alec and his lolcow family, I bring you the story of his older brother B.J. I had a lot more interaction with B.J because he was my age and in my grade. He also had my mother as his forth grade teacher. Like I said before, the whole family were lolcows and the stories about them are legendary. I actually have wanted to record their stories for a long time, because they are so funny and it would be a shame to forget.
> 
> I'll put it under the spoiler again.
> 
> ...



Ladies and gentlemen, it's official, we have found Chris 2.0


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 13, 2013)

Sometimes I wish I had any personal lolcows to talk about. Some of you guys sure meet some interesting characters.


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## Bugaboo (Oct 13, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> I wanna know why his dad took a shit in Kmart.


That is what we'd all like to know


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## Lemon Cake (Oct 13, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart



Poor guy, his father was an even worse parent than Barb is. I wonder what gets people to shit in public, fuck


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## pickleniggo (Oct 13, 2013)

Lemon Cake said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
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To be fair, we don't know if Barb really _hasn't_ shit in public.  

I really love these stories though.


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 13, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> Lemon Cake said:
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Glad you like them! Just to clarify, the Dad had the charges dropped because he claimed it was an accident and no one could really prove it wasn't, I guess. Still doesn't explain why according to pure rumor, he smeared the shit all over the floor. Oh and the mom was Barb 2.0. Looked just like her too, its the freakiest thing. She also would come into the school to clean the desks for her precious babies when they were younger (1st through  5th grade) because they couldn't possibly do it themselves! 

Oh and she smelled like a walking yeast infection.


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## exball (Oct 13, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> Glad you like them! Just to clarify, the Dad had the charges dropped because he claimed it was an accident and no one could really prove it wasn't, I guess. Still doesn't explain why according to pure rumor, he smeared the shit all over the floor. Oh and the mom was Barb 2.0. Looked just like her too, its the freakiest thing. She also would come into the school to clean the desks for her precious babies when they were younger (1st through  5th grade) because they couldn't possibly do it themselves!
> 
> Oh and she smelled like a walking yeast infection.



Moar stories. MOAR STORIES!


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 13, 2013)

Oh! Another thing I just remembered about B.J and Alec's father. I actually saw a lot of him because B.J, Alec and I were Boys and in Girls Club together. (For those who don't know what that is, its a national organization where kids with working parents can go after school if they don't have anyone to look after them. Kids play sports or take little art classes and things like that. It's great.)  But anyway, my Mom was late to pick me up one day so B.J/Alec's father came up to me and started chatting. I was reading a book (a book about Marie Antoinette's childhood and young teen years) and he sat down next to me and started telling me all about Louis XIV's penis and how it had a deformity so he couldn't please his wife sexually. Like, he just jumped right to that topic out of almost nowhere. I was eight. It was weird, but oddly I wasn't at all disturbed or bothered by it. I wasn't until years later that I was like, that's kind of a fucked up thing to talk to a little girl about.


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## Surtur (Oct 13, 2013)

Perhaps someday I will tell the tale of Bizarre, my jobs personal punching bag, starting in metaphorical and eventually a literal sense. But today is not that day.


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## random_pickle (Oct 13, 2013)

This whole shitting thing reminds me of an inccident my brother told me about. I can't remember if I posted it here before, if I did then I apologize in advance.

My brother used to work at an emissions test, he would test people's cars to see if they need to go in to get fixed for whatever. One day this man came in with his kid, I think the kid was around 7 or 8. His car ended up failing and he got pissed. He told them it should have passed and demanded to test again. Once again, it failed. He started yelling at my brother who called up his manager. They managed to get the guy to leave the car lane. A few minutes later they see the guy park outside the building and pull his son out of the car. I shit you not, he pulled down his son's pants and made him take a shit on their grass, right next to the parking lot, and drove away. I can't remember if they called the police or not or if it was too late.

When he told me this story, it was just, holy shit.


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 13, 2013)

Spoiler






			
				random_pickle said:
			
		

> This whole shitting thing reminds me of an inccident my brother told me about. I can't remember if I posted it here before, if I did then I apologize in advance.
> 
> My brother used to work at an emissions test, he would test people's cars to see if they need to go in to get fixed for whatever. One day this man came in with his kid, I think the kid was around 7 or 8. His car ended up failing and he got pissed. He told them it should have passed and demanded to test again. Once again, it failed. He started yelling at my brother who called up his manager. They managed to get the guy to leave the car lane. A few minutes later they see the guy park outside the building and pull his son out of the car. I shit you not, he pulled down his son's pants and made him take a shit on their grass, right next to the parking lot, and drove away. I can't remember if they called the police or not or if it was too late.
> 
> When he told me this story, it was just, holy shit.






This is when you know you found an exceptionally shitty parent, and an asshole too. I mean, what the hell man


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 13, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> This whole shitting thing reminds me of an inccident my brother told me about. I can't remember if I posted it here before, if I did then I apologize in advance.
> 
> My brother used to work at an emissions test, he would test people's cars to see if they need to go in to get fixed for whatever. One day this man came in with his kid, I think the kid was around 7 or 8. His car ended up failing and he got pissed. He told them it should have passed and demanded to test again. Once again, it failed. He started yelling at my brother who called up his manager. They managed to get the guy to leave the car lane. A few minutes later they see the guy park outside the building and pull his son out of the car. I shit you not, he pulled down his son's pants and made him take a shit on their grass, right next to the parking lot, and drove away. I can't remember if they called the police or not or if it was too late.
> 
> When he told me this story, it was just, holy shit.



I've totally heard of other people doing this. I once went into a restaurant and everyone was yelling at each other because a mother had smeared her baby's shit on a table after the waitress was apparently rude to her. I guess that's a thing some parents do? Biological warfare against people who have "wronged" them?


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## MysticMisty (Oct 13, 2013)

BJ said:
			
		

> I know girls don’t play video games


Dick.

Anyways. This whole shitting thing has reminded me of two separate stories.

I believe I've told this story before, but I don't think on this version of the board. Anyways. There aren't really very many details to be had. This occurred October or November of my senior year of high school. I don't know the kid who did this, but for whatever reason he decided to take a shit in the middle of the science hallway during that building's lunch hour. I guess he hid in the bathroom and they didn't check it very well because they lock the hallways during lunch in order to prevent vandalism (they weren't so good at remember to unlock the doors by the end of lunch however). He got caught though. It's worth mentioning however that this kid had cancer or something because he died before the end of the school year. I guess he wanted to make sure everybody remembered him. Even if they remembered him as "the kid who took a shit in the hallway".


The other story...holy fuck. There was a local power wash business in town that lasted quite a while, and had TV ads on the local channels. One day the ads vanished within a day or two of the announcement that the owner had been arrested.

It turned how the owner was _fucking nuts_. When people would complain about the quality of the end result of the power washing, he'd threaten his customers and claim they were slandering his name (or something like that). On one occasion, he got all of his workers to shit in one of those industrial work buckets, and then dumped it all over the yard of one disgruntled customer. For another, he cut up small animals and dumped the body parts in the yard of another displeased customer.

And it could have been worse. It turned out he had a load of guns (and not little hand guns either), and the means to make chemical weapons(I think he might have actually threatened to use them). And he had a helicopter pilots license. Considering he had the means to make and dump chemicals on his former customers (or even shoot them if he felt particularly furious and murderous), buckets of shit and cut up dead animals is tame in comparison!


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## Saney (Oct 13, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> This whole shitting thing reminds me of an inccident my brother told me about. I can't remember if I posted it here before, if I did then I apologize in advance.
> 
> My brother used to work at an emissions test, he would test people's cars to see if they need to go in to get fixed for whatever. One day this man came in with his kid, I think the kid was around 7 or 8. His car ended up failing and he got pissed. He told them it should have passed and demanded to test again. Once again, it failed. He started yelling at my brother who called up his manager. They managed to get the guy to leave the car lane. A few minutes later they see the guy park outside the building and pull his son out of the car. I shit you not, he pulled down his son's pants and made him take a shit on their grass, right next to the parking lot, and drove away. I can't remember if they called the police or not or if it was too late.
> 
> When he told me this story, it was just, holy shit.


I swear I read that on Not Always Right. Or maybe it was just a similar story..., this kind of thing is disturbingly common.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 13, 2013)

I love that we all have a story about a weirdo pooping in public. Mine was Billy and Shannon, who I never brought up here. 

Shannon was at the womens college where I finished my undergrad at. She was this really messy looking girl. Her freshman year, there was this person on her hall who kept on smearing shit all over the bathroom. Finally, the RA had to assign people bathroom stalls, to widdle down who was doing it. Girls in the hall also volunteered to keep a slight eye out on who went to the bathroom at certain times. Welp, one time Shannon left the bathroom and it was covered in shit. During hall meetings about it, Shannon would always be the one speaking up about it, like "come on guys! Who did it?!" 

There was also an incident where she was in one of the academic buildings. She walked into a classroom right before her class, and scooted against the wall to get to her desk, I think? And she left ... a shit skid on the wall. 


I didn't know about this until the following year when I met her, and one of my friends told me. One of my other friends couldn't even sit with her at lunch and dinner, just watching her eat with her HANDS grossed her out so much. I was getting to that point near the end of the school year.

Right, so shannon always looked a ratty mess. She's black, and she didn't know how to take care of her hair, so she just wore a wig. Problem was, she didn't know how to take care of her wig either :/.


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## pickleniggo (Oct 14, 2013)

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy. 
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor. 
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this. 
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.


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## c-no (Oct 14, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
> My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
> ...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
> The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.


I have no comment other than saying that it sucks for whoever had to clean that up.


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## exball (Oct 14, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
> My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
> ...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
> The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.


Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus no.


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 14, 2013)

^

Why, why is this happening to the human race?
Why?

It's over.

God, forgive me.



Spoiler


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## pickleniggo (Oct 14, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> pickleniggo said:
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> 
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> ...



My friend was pretty much forced to.   Hence why she put in her two weeks immediately after.
Whenever I would shop at that store after the incident, I would avoid that first fitting room like the fucking plague.


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 14, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> c-no said:
> 
> 
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> ...



Damn, sorry to hear about your friend. That kind of shit (ignore the pun) is not something someone should go through.


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 15, 2013)

I actually have a poo story about B.J (the guy I wrote about in previous posts). Only problem is, I heard it second hand, so I'm not totally sure about some of the details. It's also disgusting, so I'm going to put it under spoiler, just in case. 



Spoiler



Anyway, as I've mentioned before, B.J had my mom for a teacher when he was a child. My mom's classroom was kind of old fashioned, you know, green chalk -board, students kept their books in a cubby under their desks, wooden floors and walls, separate room for shoes and coats (I kind of miss that style now that I think of it...). And it had a little bathroom just off of the coat room. It was a really, really tiny bathroom. The toilet was weirdly low to the ground too, so an adult really couldn't use it, and it was small. There was a sink too, but it was across from the toilet, so whoever was sitting on the toilet had the sink basically in their lap.  
        Now, B.J was not impressed with the bathroom situation. For one thing, he was so fat that he could barely fit in it. But he also didn't like to touch the flusher. Germs, I guess. Anyway, kids started complaining to my mom that something odd was happening in the bathroom. There were shoe marks on the toilet seat, and weird yellow stains all over the sink. Also, the bathroom and neighboring coat room had begun to smell like piss. 
       After several unsuccessful "honesty" campaigns to get the culprit to confess, my mom decided the best thing to do was catch the perp in the act. The next time it happened, she would ask all the children to take their shoes off and she would compare the foot prints. However, she never got the chance. 
       One morning, B.J returned from the bathroom soaking wet. Concerned that something might have flooded, my mom asked B.J what happened. He nonchalantly answered that the sink had sprayed him and that everything was fine. My mom didn't believe him. She went into the bathroom to have a look and what she found was...astonishing. Not only were there foot prints on the toilet seat, there was also a turd on the floor. The wall next to the sink was drenched in urine. 
 Now, it's hard to know what really happened in the bathroom that day. B.J confessed that for the past few weeks he had taken to standing on the toilet seat and pissing into the sink from afar. Apparently he had...lost his footing and slipped...and either dislodged the turd from the toilet or shat on the floor? It's impossible to really know. Oh and was B.J ashamed of any of this? No. Not at all. In fact he blamed the whole thing on my mom, and suggested that to prevent future accidents, she clean the toilet seat for him before he enter and also, FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET FOR HIM WHEN HE WAS DONE.  (He was ten). He then suggested that perhaps his mother should be called in after every poo, so that SHE could clean the toilet and flush it for him.


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## Chairman Meow (Oct 15, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
> My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
> ...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
> The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.



Actually, upon further reflection I can see how this scenario could have played out without the guilty party being insane and/or a retard.

1. Dude is walking through the store, gut begins to rumble.
2. Suddenly realizes he has about 20 seconds to TOTAL NUCLEAR MELTDOWN.
3. T minus 10 seconds: Dashes into what he thinks is the bathrooms, only to discover it's actually the fitting rooms.
4. T minus 5 seconds: Realizes the horrible mistake he's made. NOOO IT'S TOO LATE! Frantically dives into a changing room.
5. T plus 0 seconds: [shit explosion]
6. Looks around at the destruction he's wreaked, guiltily tries to use his shirt to clean it up.
7. Realizes his efforts are futile, and the longer he stays the more likely he is to be apprehended (and end up with his mugshot in the next day's paper under the headline "Area Man Arrested for Defecating in [Store]'s Dressing Room")
8. Flees the scene minus shirt.


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## exball (Oct 15, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> I actually have a poo story about B.J (the guy I wrote about in previous posts). Only problem is, I heard it second hand, so I'm not totally sure about some of the details. It's also disgusting, so I'm going to put it under spoiler, just in case.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


10 YEARS OLD!


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 15, 2013)

Really minor one but it annoys me to see tumblr blogs devoted to tabloid pics of celebrities (little) kids.


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## c-no (Oct 15, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> I actually have a poo story about B.J (the guy I wrote about in previous posts). Only problem is, I heard it second hand, so I'm not totally sure about some of the details. It's also disgusting, so I'm going to put it under spoiler, just in case.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Oct 15, 2013)

As far as crapping in public goes, to go along with pickleniggo's story, I went to the bathroom at college once and in the handicapped stall there was a pair of tighty whities and a big pile of crap. I don't know what happened, but that must have sucked


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## johnnywalrusface (Oct 16, 2013)

I'm Facebook friends with one of my mom's friends, who we've known for years. Her daughter is autistic and she blames vaccines. Also, she thinks Obama is a Muslim.


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## pickleniggo (Oct 16, 2013)

bbooooggaaooooggaa said:
			
		

> Actually, upon further reflection I can see how this scenario could have played out without the guilty party being insane and/or a exceptional individual.
> 
> 1. Dude is walking through the store, gut begins to rumble.
> 2. Suddenly realizes he has about 20 seconds to TOTAL NUCLEAR MELTDOWN.
> ...



The thing is, the fitting rooms were the kind you have to ask to get into because they're always locked. So I'm not really sure if he actually planned on buying something and shit literally happened or if he PLANNED to shit in the fitting room. I really can't imagine what I would do if I were there. The worst I've dealt with was having to yell at a woman who brought a stroller into the handicapped fitting room under the guise of trying things on but actually going in there to change her baby's diaper and _ask to throw it out in our garbage behind the register._ It took everything in my power to not use the words "you are fucking disgusting".


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## Lady Houligan (Oct 17, 2013)

Okay. I've been sitting on a post about this woman for weeks now, and she's far too insane to discuss in spurts. So I give you (under the spoiler in the interest of not being a board-hogging fuckwit): *Lady Houligan's Adventures in Training the Temp from Hell*.


Spoiler



First things first, I'd like it noted that I spent a solid month before this woman arrived putting together a folder covering all the day-to-day operations that my position covers, such as the billing process, service requests, etc. That way I figured we could focus primarily on how to deal with the weirder bullshit that comes up, like what to do when the person calling in clearly doesn't know what they're on about and/or doesn't speak English. It's disgustingly thorough. However, as soon as this woman came in? She ignores it and writes down these terrible half-assed notes regarding EVERYTHING I do, so for the first two weeks all I keep hearing is "how do I get to this in this program" or a variant.

She also completely rearranged my desk before I've even left for maternity leave, so God help me if I need to find anything I had put away before she took it over.

The biggest thing that irritates/amuses me though is the sheer lack of thought she puts into anything she does in the office. At this point I'm writing it all off as job security for when I come back. In no particular order she:
-keeps asking the girl who only bills sprinklers and has at no point ever billed for my division about extinguisher and hood questions
-keeps trying to flirt with one of our estimators who is about ten years younger than her and is completely uninterested, up to and including awkwardly hovering at other people's desks when he's there so she can follow him back to his and talk to him
-keeps trying to ask my supervisor about customer accounts that he has no responsibility over and would know nothing about (protip: it's my job to figure that shit out before it goes to him because I'm the only one in the office with access to the damned software that records that info)
-ignores the fact that I'm still in the office (up until 1:30 tomorrow anyways) and just goes her own, completely incorrect, way of doing things, to the point where I've given up on trying to rescue her from her own stupidity
-can't prioritize for shit: I watched this woman answer a customer call on the landline, then put the customer on hold to answer the cell phone rather than silencing it so she could just listen to the voicemail in a few minutes time
-manages to ignore the blinking red "HEY THERE'S A VOICEMAIL" light on the landline to the point that I noticed it yesterday and found out there were four calls FROM LAST WEEK in there... there were some phone calls made immediately with lots of apologies to irate customers...
-ignores the cell phone that the techs use to get in direct contact with me/her more often than not (and as a side note, apparently I'm supposed to know how to make cell phone batteries not suck because she came to me two days ago bitching about how it wouldn't hold a charge and my solution was "then charge it?")
-texts her kids while they're at school
-gets really snippy with my coworkers when they try to offer help when she didn't ask for it
-continually goes into segues so awkward that if my job was a sitcom no laugh track could save her, with such great hits as: _I had gestational diabetes so let me tell you all about how it was when I gave birth over a decade ago_; _my son has type 2 diabetes so obviously I know how you should be handling your gestational diabetes_; _you really want to hear my labor and delivery horror stories don't you I thought you did_; _I was out of work for 13 years being a stay at home mom but I'm totally a genius at Excel and will now fuck up the giant spreadsheet you wrote to track this entire department's earnings_; _my son was given a car solely because he plays football and wrestles and my husband and I pay for it all_; my personal favorite, _I resent my teenage daughter for playing field hockey and NOT volleyball because I played volleyball and got a scholarship to college and WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT TO BE JUST LIKE MOMMY_; _lolz I never have money in my wallet because my kids steal it from me all the time isn't that precious_; and _my idea of supervising what my children are watching/playing is to walk into the room and loudly proclaim my dislike for it but then immediately go do something else like bake cookies!_ And in case you haven't caught on yet: why yes, yes she is a helicopter parent. To the point where you can practically hear the rotors.

So that's the story, sad but true. In a small way she has some mannerisms that remind me of OPL. Not too many though, thank God. And I'm hoping that when my coworkers come to visit me in the hospital she doesn't invite herself along, because at this point it's going to take all I have to not walk into work tomorrow and blast "The Final Countdown" on repeat since otherwise I don't have to deal with this woman extensively until my return.





			
				pickleniggo said:
			
		

> You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
> My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
> ...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
> The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.



Oh my sweet God I didn't realize there were others. Um. Allow me to take this moment to quickly tell my story of the Poo Poo Crew.


Spoiler



So when I was in college I worked at a local laundromat for two summers to make extra money for school. The first summer there was fine but the second summer was when I had to be "initiated" into the PPC. This is because there was a man who for whatever reason wandered my hometown and would stop and use our bathroom because he could walk in, destroy it, and walk out without being noticed by us at the counter. And when I say destroy it, I mean destroy it... the only time I got the responsibility of cleaning up after him, there was shit all over the toilet like some kind of shit a-bomb was dropped onto it, on the wall next to the toilet, on the floor, on the sink, on the doorknob. Every. Fucking. Where. And keep in mind that it was summer, so it was hot out, and it was in a laundromat/drycleaners, so it's even MORE hot in the building, so it immediately stank. I ended up taking an hour to clean it all up, not including the five minutes I spent outside puking in the bushes about halfway through the endeavor.

The only redeeming part of that day was that my boss let me leave after I finished since I only had an hour left in my shift (and I thankfully lived up the street so I walked home and proceeded to empty the hot water heater by showering for over an hour to try and get the feeling of disgust off of my body), but my paycheck was for the whole shift and was at time and a half for the last two hours. I think it was his way of trying to apologize for what I had to go through.


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## Iamthatis (Oct 17, 2013)

This guy isn't autistic or retarded at least not diagnosed but he's definately a lolcow.  He's obbsessed with being a "solo cub for a daddy bear"  He wants a sugar daddy to fund his life so he can play pokemon all day long.  However he does not understand that most guys or gals with sugar daddies have good psyiques.  He also worships Kelly Clarkson and sings bad cover songs on youtube.  He's good for a laugh sometimes but also intolerably arrogant on occasion.


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Oct 17, 2013)

Ah, man, he looks like Jon, a guy I know who's married and has two kids. What's his YouTube channel?

Of course, this guy isn't half the man that Jon is.


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## Iamthatis (Oct 17, 2013)

GrandNumberOfPounds said:
			
		

> Ah, man, he looks like Jon, a guy I know who's married and has two kids. What's his YouTube channel?
> 
> Of course, this guy isn't half the man that Jon is.



His screen name on there is Emewy76


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Oct 17, 2013)

He goes by Eric Hoffman now.

From the vidya thumbnails he doesn't look like Jon. Good.

I'm not going to watch any of his vidyas because I don't want YouTube to suggest I watch moar of them. But yeah, I can see why you consider him an lolcow (er, lolcub).


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## pickleniggo (Oct 18, 2013)

Iamthatis said:
			
		

> He wants a sugar daddy to fund his life so he can play pokemon all day long.



Wut.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 18, 2013)

Victoria Jackson and Dennis Miller. 2 snl alums that are total right wing wackadoos now.


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## Picklepower (Oct 18, 2013)

LOL, Victoria "look at me, I swear I'm relevant" Jackson.


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## Iamthatis (Oct 18, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> Iamthatis said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yep, I know him in RL, he was living with like a 78 year old man who had suffered a stroke.  He had the whole left side of his face don't move no more thing going on.  Then the guys children, (adults older than lolcub)  had him declared incompetant put him in a home and put lolcub out on his rear.  

*true story*


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## Shadow Fox (Oct 18, 2013)

Stephanie the Filth Queen


Spoiler



My sophomore year in college there was a girl in our hall named Stephanie.  There was something off about her - she didn't seem legit retarded or anything, just kind of oblivious about things sometimes.  She was kind of dumb, but wasn't aware of this, and had this constant air of superiority about her that grated on my nerves.

She also had really poor hygiene.  She bathed like once a week and smelled terrible, all the time.  I don't think she laundered her clothes very often either, and it showed.  She was a pretty big girl, too, so especially in warmer months, her lack of personal care became really apparent.  Nothing against my fellow fatties, I'm just speaking from experience here - when you sweat more, you need to shower more frequently to keep from offending the sensibilities of those around you.  Common courtesy and all that.

Steph was one of those people who never washed their hands after using the bathroom, which is something that has always made my skin crawl - nobody needs your nasty piss and shit particles all over things, you fucking Typhoid Marys, _wash your fucking hands_ - and frequently neglected to flush the toilet she'd just used, either.  This became a subject of such concern for the other girls in the hall that it was brought up to the RA.  Rather than embarrass Stephanie by addressing her directly, and assuming that Stephanie had a modicum of shame and self-awareness, the RA posted flyers all over the hall bathroom - in each of the stalls, on the doors, and on the mirrors over the sinks - reminding people to flush and wash after using the toilet.  All of the girls kept an eye on Stephanie to see if she took this advice, and reported that the campaign wasn't working.  

I vividly remember one early weekend morning when I'd just gotten up and gone to the bathroom.  Someone else entered, and I could see, through the gap between the door and wall of the stall I was in, that it was Stephanie.  She entered a stall and, as it was near-silent that early in the morning, with nobody else up and around, I listened to her take a leak, blow her nose, and change her maxi pad.  When she was finished she exited the stall and the bathroom, without flushing the toilet or washing.  _Vile._

Somebody finally stuck one of the "wash your fucking hands" flyers on Stephanie's door in the night, which I think pissed her off.  Eventually I believe the RA bit the bullet and told Steph that she needed to start washing and not spread germs and filth all over campus.  

Her filthiness extended to her room, as well.  I don't think it was more than a couple months into the school year that Stephanie's roommate, Katie, requested a room change because Steph refused to pick up after herself or make any effort to keep things clean.  At my college when you filled out your dorm housing application they asked you to describe yourself as "neat", "casual" or "messy" and would then try to pair you up with a roommate who wouldn't clash with your housekeeping habits too badly; this wasn't a foolproof system, but it worked well enough.  Just not for Stephanie, who was a godforsaken slob.  I think Katie wound up keeping the room while Steph had to move out. 

She ended up rooming with this other girl, Minta, who had been my roommate for the first month or so of the year before her freight train-like snoring drove me off.  Minta was also kind of a slob - not to truly disgusting levels, at least not that I'd seen, but that would soon change.  

Once Steph and Minta became roommates, that dorm room went to hell.  Garbage accumulated but was never thrown out.  They took dishes in from the cafeteria and would let them sit and moulder rather than wash them or take them back where they belonged.  Papers, dirty clothes and other detritus piled up.  I know all this because the dorm had periodic room inspections, and upon seeing the carnage of Stephanie and Minta's room they were ordered by the college housing director to clean it the fuck up.  Thus the entire hall bore witness to the spectacle of the pair of them rolling up a trash bin from the bathroom, opening the door to their room and mucking it out.

I think Steph left our college after that year.  Last I heard she was part of the area's SCA (medieval reenactment group) branch and had snagged herself a fiance.



Lycan: Toy Thief, Compulsive Liar and Animal-Killer


Spoiler



Lycan was a dipshit on a toy collecting forum of which I was a member.  She started out as your average internet annoyance: terrible spelling and grammar skills, tried real hard to be ~dark and edgy~, unwarranted self importance, you know the type.  She would try to backseat mod the forums, hilariously, by lecturing other people on their spelling and grammar.  (This girl spelled "wrong" with an E, just to give you an idea of how much she couldn't English.)  

People would post their latest toy acquisitions, as toy collectors are wont to do among others of their kind, and Lycan was no exception.  She would claim to have obtained some really rare, expensive, highly sought after model in this toyline, but she couldn't provide pictures, because she didn't have a digital camera.  (This was in the days before camera phones became ubiquitous.)  She did this over and over, saying that she'd found one kit on eBay, another at a flea market, another at a foreign imports store in her hometown, etc.  Some of the members began to suspect that just maybe she was lying to earn herself some geek cred and bask in the admiration and envy of others on the board: why couldn't she provide any proof?  Why couldn't she take a photo and scan it to show everyone?  Why couldn't she ever provide links to the eBay auctions she'd won?  When confronted Lycan would get extremely huffy and defensive and start bitching about how we were just jealous and she didn't have to prove anything to us, bluhbluhbluh.  She would get so nasty about this that the mods gave her a warning for her attitude, on top of suggesting that they didn't take kindly to liars.

I think at one point to throw off suspicion she said that her apartment had caught fire and all her models had been destroyed.  "So no pictures of Super Rare Expensive Model, ARE YOU GUYS HAPPY NOW?  Also sell me moar models plz ;_;"

At one point one of the members made a thread about the cheapest price we'd ever paid for a model kit.  There were a lot of accounts of people buying kits on clearance for 33 cents or getting job lots on eBay for five bucks or whatever, but Lycan prefaced her contribution with this: "Not counting the ones I got for free by slipping them into bags with my other purchases..."

Naturally, a lot of people came down on her.  Some of the more prominent board members scolded her for not just stealing, but then bragging about it.  Lycan was apparently dumbfounded that anyone would take offense to this casual admission of petty theft, and reacted with snotty condescension.  "Not all of us can afford to buy the things we want in life.  I'm not rich and spoiled like you guys, so I need to steal those toys.  Anyway, I don't really care what you think.  *dismissive wave*"  (Because pretending to RP your actions shows just how much you don't care.)  This only made people jump on her even more, because 1)if she was so broke she had to shoplift a $3.99 model kit, how was she affording to drop three hundred bucks on a much rarer kit on eBay; 2)if she couldn't afford luxuries, she needed to learn to do without them, like most people did; and 3)she needed to start caring about what people thought, because she was acting like an asshole.  The mods gave her a suspension, which was much more leniency than she probably deserved.

Lycan's crowning moment of dickshittery came when she made a thread about the baby turtle she'd found.  For starters, she couldn't afford a proper habitat for it, so she kept it in a shoebox, which she stepped on at one point because she forgot the turtle was in it.  She was amazed the turtle had survived, but this didn't clue her in to take better care of it.  After she'd crushed her impromptu turtle habitat, she'd had her boyfriend over to smoke some weed and had let the turtle out "for exercise" in the bathroom.  While stoned out of her gourd, killing off some of her already scarce braincells, she noticed that the turtle was bleeding from its mouth.  She deduced that the turtle had ingested some cleaning powder residue left on the bathroom floor, but since she was stoned and also an idiot, she thought this was hilarious rather than disturbing and just decided to keep an eye on the thing rather than seek veterinary attention.  The turtle survived, albeit no doubt plotting Lycan's slow, agonizing demise.

People didn't quite know how to respond to this.  There was some mild disapproval and suggestions that she should have taken the poor animal to a vet.  Since I was tactless and thoroughly disgusted with Lycan's behavior, I told her she was a fucking choad that didn't know shit about caring for animals, and a hypocrite on top of everything, citing a thread where she'd told a distraught kid that he deserved for his cat to die because he'd let it out of the house.  That kind of opened the floodgates and people started going to town on her.  Lycan defended herself by saying that she just thought it was sort of neat how "resilient" the turtle was, and that she'd had lots of pets die because - and this quote has stuck with me for _years_, because it's just that galling - she _"failed to care"_ about their welfare.  That's right, she flat-out admitted that she'd caused the neglectful deaths of numerous pets.  I'm pretty sure I told her to go to hell at that point, fully expecting a ban since that kind of vitriol was against board rules.

For this debacle Lycan got another suspension, rather than the bann she so richly deserved.  I don't know why the mods didn't show her the door, other than we were a small, close-knit community and the mods didn't want to cause a lot of drama.  I think she wound up setting the turtle free near a river.  Last I heard she was getting married and had abducted a baby duckling she'd found by a roadside somewhere.


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## Surtur (Oct 18, 2013)

Shadow Fox said:
			
		

> Stephanie the Filth Queen
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...



So much hate...


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 18, 2013)

Surtur said:
			
		

> Shadow Fox said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sorry for a-logginess, but some people might as well fuck off and die. Or be forced to learn a life lesson, because they are sure as hell ain't doing that on their own.


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## Bugaboo (Oct 18, 2013)

I don't get why people take in baby turtles and think oh yeah this'll be a great pet. 
Unless you have a fucking pond or it's a tiny species of turtle like a musk turtle you're gonna have a bad time.


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 18, 2013)

revengeofphil said:
			
		

> I don't get why people take in baby turtles and think oh yeah this'll be a great pet.
> Unless you have a fucking pond or it's a tiny species of turtle like a musk turtle you're gonna have a bad time.


I hate people that adopt exotic pets but don't know a thing about taking care of them, they just go "awwww cute AND edgy" but then they don't know even an ounce about its needs.


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## exball (Oct 18, 2013)

Shadow Fox said:
			
		

> Lycan's crowning moment of dickshittery came when she made a thread about the baby turtle she'd found.  For starters, she couldn't afford a proper habitat for it, so she kept it in a shoebox, which she stepped on at one point because she forgot the turtle was in it.  She was amazed the turtle had survived, but this didn't clue her in to take better care of it.  After she'd crushed her impromptu turtle habitat, she'd had her boyfriend over to smoke some weed and had let the turtle out "for exercise" in the bathroom.  While stoned out of her gourd, killing off some of her already scarce braincells, she noticed that the turtle was bleeding from its mouth.  She deduced that the turtle had ingested some cleaning powder residue left on the bathroom floor, but since she was stoned and also an idiot, she thought this was hilarious rather than disturbing and just decided to keep an eye on the thing rather than seek veterinary attention.  The turtle survived, albeit no doubt plotting Lycan's slow, agonizing demise.
> 
> People didn't quite know how to respond to this.  There was some mild disapproval and suggestions that she should have taken the poor animal to a vet.  Since I was tactless and thoroughly disgusted with Lycan's behavior, I told her she was a fucking choad that didn't know shit about caring for animals, and a hypocrite on top of everything, citing a thread where she'd told a distraught kid that he deserved for his cat to die because he'd let it out of the house.  That kind of opened the floodgates and people started going to town on her.  Lycan defended herself by saying that she just thought it was sort of neat how "resilient" the turtle was, and that she'd had lots of pets die because - and this quote has stuck with me for _years_, because it's just that galling - she _"failed to care"_ about their welfare.  That's right, she flat-out admitted that she'd caused the neglectful deaths of numerous pets.  I'm pretty sure I told her to go to hell at that point, fully expecting a ban since that kind of vitriol was against board rules.
> 
> For this debacle Lycan got another suspension, rather than the bann she so richly deserved.  I don't know why the mods didn't show her the door, other than we were a small, close-knit community and the mods didn't want to cause a lot of drama.  I think she wound up setting the turtle free near a river.  Last I heard she was getting married and had abducted a baby duckling she'd found by a roadside somewhere.



I want to beat this woman.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 18, 2013)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> LOL, Victoria "look at me, I swear I'm relevant" Jackson.



I didn't know that she began being a nut near the end of her time on snl. I thought that only happened recently with the Obama administration. It was reported that one year she discovered jesus again and became a born again Christian, which nothing wrong with that, but she constantly shoved it down her co workers throats. One time at Christmas, she put the bible on audiotape in all the snl cast members inboxes. 


Dennis Miller claimed that 9/11 scared him into becoming Fox News-style right wing.


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## Bugaboo (Oct 18, 2013)

Dork Of Ages said:
			
		

> revengeofphil said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I hate when stupid people buy animals in general without doing any sort of reasearch. There's a reason animal sterotypes are sterotypes because they're usally not entirely true.
Like rabbits don't eat nothing but carrots and prefer leafy greens and grass and a fish bowl is not a suitable home for a goldfish no matter what anybody says.


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Oct 18, 2013)

revengeofphil said:
			
		

> a fish bowl is not a suitable home for a goldfish no matter what anybody says.



I did that when I was a kid and felt  when I found that out just recently


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## littlebiscuits (Oct 19, 2013)

Lady Houligan said:
			
		

> Okay. I've been sitting on a post about this woman for weeks now, and she's far too insane to discuss in spurts. So I give you (under the spoiler in the interest of not being a board-hogging fuckwit): *Lady Houligan's Adventures in Training the Temp from Hell*.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...




Her kids must be utter delights. I LOVE helicopter parent stories. They are beyond hilarious.  

Also, congratulations on your impending baby!


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## MysticMisty (Oct 19, 2013)

revengeofphil said:
			
		

> Dork Of Ages said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This short of thing bugs me particularly because rabbits are _extremely_ hard to care for because they require a very specific diet. If that diet isn't followed, it dies.

The worst is when parents buy into fad pets (common or exotic), or even just a regular cat or dog because their kid begs. Then a few months later the kids get bored (or the trend dies) and suddenly they don't want the pet anymore. It's an animal, not a goddamn toy or fashion accessory.


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## Globe (Oct 19, 2013)

Jamie Wilbanks. Sardis, Mississippi.

[youtube]AgivYLF6H7A[/youtube]

[youtube]Ett_e9IlPW8[/youtube]

 I can't really say she's a 'personal lolcow' since I've never interacted with her and (thankfully) have never met her in person. Jamie's basically a white-trash juggalo loser from Mississippi that starts all kinds of shit on various social networking sites, gets herself banned, makes a sock puppet account to avoid said ban and starts the process all over again. This happens most often on facebook when she's single, since she'll spam friend requests to anything with a penis that she happens to have a "mutual" friend with which, if it isn't clear by now, is how I found out about her. I never bothered accepting the friend request; her facebook was public, so I could watch her classy niglet ignitions of drama without having to be associated with it. Jamie has a shitty attitude about most everything which, in the tradition of trashy loud-mouthed idiots, she takes pride in on the errant belief that she's just being "honest" or "in your face". 

 I got that friend request from her about six or seven months ago and followed her for the next three or four months before the account she was using got deleted. Most of the drama she got involved in was connected to guys that she sent random requests to in her area. She gladly posts pictures of herself in her underwear for everybody on facebook to see with captions like "big and beautiful" or some other cliche'd bullshit, then throws out hilariously hypocritical status updates about "sluts" and "hoes" showing off too much in pictures and no, I'm not exaggerating. Someone called her on this once, and she responded with something to the effect of "fuck off you imbred hick" misspells and all. That's probably the funniest, most entertaining lolcow quality she has; when someone criticizes her, she completely flips shit, insults them, argues with them and has no objections to keeping the whole thing public. 

 I wish I'd thought to screen-cap some of the drama from back then; her current (and third, mind you) facebook account has been a bit quiet here lately, she's either learned to run her yap a bit less (doubtful), or she's been in her current relationship with whatever unfortunate asshole she hooked up with long enough to be content and not put herself in anymore situations where an argument could easily start. I can only imagine the kind of bullshit that would be sparked if she were to find out she had an ED page or something.


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 19, 2013)

>>Then a few months later the kids get bored (or the trend dies) and suddenly they don't want the pet anymore<<

That's what happened to Chihuahuas. I read a few years ago that a shelter in California where a lot of people dumped a lot of their chihuahuas and they had too many. They were able to raise enough money to put them on a plane and send the dogs to other shelters around the US so people (who didn't care that they were a trend) could adopt them.


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## Globe (Oct 20, 2013)

Weird coincidence, but I made that post about Jamie and now she's made another facebook account. Bann doesn't appear to have anything to do with it, looks like she's just one of those morons that makes a new fb every three months if a temp ban doesn't beat her to the punch. Anywho, her facebooks are dried up more or less, but I found a few gems between the five or six of them that help demonstrate what I was talking about earlier; 

*STILL FAT*
Basically some girl reposted a fat joke, Jamie made a pseudo-whiny comment about being fat, girl made another fat joke, Jamie told her she needed to be raped. She does that quite often with girls she doesn't like. Or girls that have something to do with guys she doesn't like. Whichever.


Spoiler









*SEX IS ONLY FOR PROCREATION* 
Someone politely disagrees with an obnoxiously sanctimonious status Jamie posts. Jamie acts like an enormous cunt. 


Spoiler
















*FOR THE DARK CARNIVAL*
Someone says being a juggalo is a phase that people need to grow out of. Jamie flips shit and, in genuine, grade-A juggalo fashion, talks about all the ways she'd like for this person to die. 


Spoiler











 

*BREAKIN' THE LAW*
Apparently disagreeing with something Jamie says is a criminal offense. This is part of a far longer/stupider argument that I doubt anyone would be interested in reading all the way through, so I just posted the defining moment.


Spoiler









...I didn't screenshot any of this, by the by. She caps most of this stuff herself and, I guess due to some sort of inferiority complex, throws them into her albums to brag about.


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## random_pickle (Oct 20, 2013)

Jeez, no wonder she gets banned so damn much.


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## Saney (Oct 20, 2013)

What a thoroughly unpleasant person.


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## PvtRichardCranium (Oct 20, 2013)

And they tried to tell me Juggalos weren't lolcows...


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## Globe (Oct 20, 2013)

Yeah...she made this video right after that juggalo fiasco to boot....
[youtube]Kenz43XWwm4[/youtube]
 The person she's talking about didn't even say half the shit Jamie's claiming she did. It's remarkable how easy it is to set her off. Chick's seriously begging to get trolled.


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## PvtRichardCranium (Oct 20, 2013)

Globe said:
			
		

> Yeah...she made this video right after that juggalo fiasco to boot....
> [youtube]Kenz43XWwm4[/youtube]
> The person she's talking about didn't even say half the shit Jamie's claiming she did. It's remarkable how easy it is to set her off. Chick's seriously begging to get trolled.



My God, what a cunt.


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## John Titor (Oct 20, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> >>Then a few months later the kids get bored (or the trend dies) and suddenly they don't want the pet anymore<<
> 
> That's what happened to Chihuahuas. I read a few years ago that a shelter in California where a lot of people dumped a lot of their chihuahuas and they had too many. They were able to raise enough money to put them on a plane and send the dogs to other shelters around the US so people (who didn't care that they were a trend) could adopt them.



As a Chihuahua owner, this shit pisses me off to no end.


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## Pikimon (Oct 22, 2013)

My uncle owns about 20-30 chihuahuas that he rescued from that fiasco and they all live on his ranch near Santa Barbara. You wouldn't believe how adorable it is to see a pack of chihuahuas take down a rabbit and then happily take it back to the house. It is truly one of the funniest and cutest thingS ever.


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## NoisyPanther (Oct 22, 2013)

I have a personal Lolcow, not one on the Internet though. The kid was dumb, you could buy anything off him: video games, a bike, for "5 bucks"(I think he just really like to say the phrase "5 bucks"). He also crapped himself into teenagerhood because he was too lazy to go to the washroom. He's a huge stoner now.

The other kid went to my high school. Your typical kid that nobody liked but hung around anyway because we were too nice to beat him up. He tried to buy our friendship because his parents were rich. We took advantage, of course, but he never learned his lesson.


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## snowkitten91 (Oct 22, 2013)

This is more like my sister's personal lolcow but, anyway, she just started high school and there's this one kid in her class. From what she has told me about him, I could gather that he seems to be a Nintendo sperg who plays vidya all the day after school and wants other people to do all his work whenever he's in a team assignment and doesn't care about contributing anything or, heck, even communicating with his team (my sister has experienced this first-hand). He also has anger management issues and generally acts like a jerk towards classmates and teachers alike.

It goes without saying that my sister and I will be keeping an eye on him.


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## c-no (Oct 22, 2013)

snowkitten91 said:
			
		

> This is more like my sister's personal lolcow but, anyway, she just started high school and there's this one kid in her class. From what she has told me about him, I could gather that he seems to be a Nintendo sperg who plays vidya all the day after school and wants other people to do all his work whenever he's in a team assignment and doesn't care about contributing anything or, heck, even communicating with his team (my sister has experienced this first-hand). He also has anger management issues and generally acts like a jerk towards classmates and teachers alike.
> 
> It goes without saying that my sister and I will be keeping an eye on him.


A Nintendo sperg? I bet he'll blow his head if he hears someone say the Xbox 360 or PS3 are better console than the Wii/WiiU.


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## Stalin (Oct 22, 2013)

Did I tell you guys about the Holocaust denier I went to high school with?


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Oct 22, 2013)

Not that I remember.

This sounds bizarrely ironic coming from Stalin, though.


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## Stalin (Oct 22, 2013)

GrandNumberOfPounds said:
			
		

> Not that I remember.
> 
> This sounds bizarrely ironic coming from Stalin, though.



The Holocaust was a thing. However, Holodomor was not. 

In our freshman history class she said, out loud, in front of 75 people (because we had a weird combined history/English thing for honors freshman English and history), that the Holocaust couldn't have been that bad. You should've seen the looks of the class. One of my teachers had to leave the room. 

She was a constant source of amusement through high school.


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Oct 22, 2013)

He did she get into honors classes if she was that dumb?


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## Stalin (Oct 22, 2013)

Do well enough on an English entrance test. That was all.


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## c-no (Oct 22, 2013)

Stalin said:
			
		

> Did I tell you guys about the Holocaust denier I went to high school with?


I don't know Stalin, I feel it might have been you but then again I remember reading a custom lol-cow who was Holocaust denying Nazi lover within the Custom Lol-cow thread. Please, enlighten us of this Holocaust denying personal lol-cow of yours.


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## Stalin (Oct 23, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> Stalin said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



She was in some ways the most stereotypical rich, white girl ever (never knew any sort of suffering, always got what she wanted), but at the same time she was either autistic or borderline autistic. Her name was Shannon. She had no concept of World War 2. She though the Nuremberg Laws applied to artists, as she viewed herself as a persecuted artist, instead of Jews (and could not be convinced otherwise, even when our teacher read the laws out loud). She never recanted her statement of "The Holocaust couldn't have been that bad", no matter how many times our teachers told us, showed us pictures, movies, etc. 

She was also annoying as hell, cried all the time, said other extremely inappropriate things, and was a general weirdo. Is it bad that I have to say her Holocaust unawareness was one of the _least_ inappropriate things she said?

P.S I did write the Nazi loving lolcow, and she was partially based off this girl.


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## c-no (Oct 23, 2013)

Stalin said:
			
		

> c-no said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow, just reading that honestly makes me wonder if she ever got in trouble for her Holocaust statement.


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## Globe (Oct 23, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> >>Then a few months later the kids get bored (or the trend dies) and suddenly they don't want the pet anymore<<
> 
> That's what happened to Chihuahuas. I read a few years ago that a shelter in California where a lot of people dumped a lot of their chihuahuas and they had too many. They were able to raise enough money to put them on a plane and send the dogs to other shelters around the US so people (who didn't care that they were a trend) could adopt them.



Speaking of abandoning dogs, it's time for more gripping tales of the trashy exploits of Jamie Wilbanks! Some of this is new, some of it is just shit that I forgot to post last time.

*SORRY, DOG. I'M UN-RESCUING YOU*
 Jamie finds a pitbull mix on the side of the road and "rescues" it. It's apparently relatively well-behaved but much to Jamie's surprise, a full grown, and presumably stray, dog doesn't take commands very well and is more interested in eating her cats. After approximately 48 hours, she dumps it back off at the road where she found it. Instead of, y'know...taking it to a shelter or asking friends if they can take care of it. Worth noting that in all of the updates, she never fails to say "HERPDERP I RESCUED THIS DOG HERPDERP".


Spoiler




































*SPARE THE BELT, SPOIL THE WHORE*
 Someone makes a (sorta funny) joke that's very loosely related to Miley Cyrus. Jamie interjects to say that Miley should have her face (or ass, I'm not sure) beaten in with a leather belt for being such a risque' whore. For perspective's sake, I'm going to post a few of Jamie's (totally public) pictures. 


Spoiler




















_Empty, soul-less and craving for a shit-load of pickles_



*MATURITY*
 Some desperate, borderline illiterate shmuck hits on Jamie on MeetMe, a lame social networking site used mostly by high-schoolers. Jamie responds by calling him a loser and describing the graphic ways in which she hopes he'll die before screen-capping the exchange and posting it on facebook. Someone on her friends list opines that her reaction is immature. Jamie flips shit and an equally stupid friend completes the circle of idiocy with an empty death threat. 


Spoiler


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm going to hell because I laughed at the "she was happy as hell when we took her back" comment. She said "there was a house where we found her", um maybe that was the dog's house, and that's why it was happy when you brought it back??


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## Grand Number of Pounds (Oct 23, 2013)

Let's hope Jamie never has kids. If they don't obey her, she'll drop them off on the side of the road, or maybe put them in a basket and place them on a nice couple's doorstep like they did in the old days.

Heck, if Jamie were my mom I wouldn't obey her, either.


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## Springblossom (Oct 23, 2013)

Wait, if Jamie doesn't want to meet people, why's she on MeetMe?


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## sparklemilhouse (Oct 23, 2013)

People who obsess over what purses celebrities are carrying:

http://www.purseblog.com/the-many-bags/


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## Bugaboo (Oct 24, 2013)

I hope that poor dog did actually have an owner and she did actually take her away from her home and then bring her back. If not that would be so terrible just because it isn't trained. It's not that hard to train a dog to do basic commands, even a child could do it.


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## Globe (Oct 24, 2013)

GrandNumberOfPounds said:
			
		

> Let's hope Jamie never has kids. If they don't obey her, she'll drop them off on the side of the road, or maybe put them in a basket and place them on a nice couple's doorstep like they did in the old days.
> 
> Heck, if Jamie were my mom I wouldn't obey her, either.


 Speaking as someone that was raised by a batshit crazy (and occasionally drug-addled) mother, the thought of this chick going and having kids is as genuinely terrifying as it is soul-crushingly probable.


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 24, 2013)

I can't fucking believe that she dumped the dog somewhere else because it wasn't responding to her commands.

People can be so fucking stupid.


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## Pine Tar (Oct 24, 2013)

*IRL Lolcows*

We know people that would count as Lolcows if it weren't for the fact that their audience for their antics were far smaller and more personal. For instance, there was a guy who read "Mein Kampf" on my college's radio station. Not because he was a Neo-Nazi, but because he wanted to show how evil the Nazis were.   He got permabanned from the radio. Then, he'd keep spamming links from right-wing sites before the election last year with the tagline "stay informed". Anyone who disagreed with him (read anyone who cared to respond) would be called a Communist and told to go to North Korea. Basically, he made me interested in an election I otherwise wouldn't be interested in and I thank his antics for this. 

So, do you have any IRL lolcow stories you'd like to share?


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## Dork Of Ages (Oct 24, 2013)

*Re: IRL Lolcows*

I think this post belongs in the Personal Lolcows thread.


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## Saney (Oct 24, 2013)

I merged Pne Tar's IRL Lolcows thread with the Personal Lolcow thread. As Dork of Ages pointed out, it fits that thread pretty well.


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## Globe (Oct 27, 2013)

Another pathetic schmuck makes the mistake of soliciting Jamie on facebook. I can't even think of a witty heading for this one. 



Spoiler









And she wonders why she has so much trouble finding a job.

Honestly, I can understand being upset, but I figure the best course of action would be to tell the guy (that she probably added, btw) to fuck off and delete him. Not spaz out, go on a tirade, screen-cap said tirade and put it in your pictures, spam it to the guy's page, and then make a gratingly obnoxious video about your slightly above-average sized tits and how people need to never say anything inappropriate about them ever; https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=14 ... =2&theater

 She acts like she's the first fucking person in the world that's ever been the recipient of an unwanted advance.


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## hm yeah (Nov 1, 2013)

So there's this one guy I call DMW, who I found through a little weirdo who watches a friend of mine. He's got a circle of spergs that are pretty much like him.

He's somewhat like Auchimura, but not a fraction as funny. Auchimura is the tops when it comes to hilarious cartoon inflation fetishists! But this guy makes me laugh sometimes. He's spontaneous like that.

Oh, and he has a little bit of a diaper thing. And a serious obsession with mustard.

His art's pretty unremarkable. Here's the two most remarkable things he's ever drawn in his existence on DA (As far as I can tell. I really have only been following him for a month)


Spoiler















When I first found him, I just assumed he was another cartoonpedo with an inflation fetish (his is kinda "meta", for the most part. Like Daveykins and his fursuit thing), but when I looked a bit closer, uh...actually I think maybe he might have been touched wrong as a kid, and he may have gotten locked into a very young mental age (like, 8 or something) so now I don't think he's into cartoon kids in a sexual way. But I'm not certain. I'm not going to link to it, but there's a story he has where a little kid cartoon character has multiple other characters squirt ketchup and mustard "where [s/he] goes to the bathroom, but not [his/her] butt". Without being asked. BG characters spontaneously all sexually harassed the main character without being given permission. Until recently he avoided mentioning the anus and genitalia, but all of a sudden his fetish has gotten pretty, uh, aggressive, and suddenly he wants popping, and isn't afraid to mention genitalia.


So uhhh, yeah. My personal lolcow is turning into a creepycow. Anyway.


Mostly he begs for art and roleplays. I gotta dig up more comments and exchanges of his!




Spoiler



DMW: My next request is that P____ and R_______ decided to give D____ a great time as they put an inflatable mustard bottle in D____'s pants near her vagina and she loves as they decided to use mustard bike pumps to inflate the bottle in her pants, thinking they are inflating D____'s vagina. They continue pumping mustard in the bottle as the bottle gets bigger and bigger and her pants stay intact. It becomes the size of a planet, a galaxy, and then the universe until the bottle explodes. P____ and R_______ decided to see if you inflate a real vagina until it explodes. D____ called T_______ to demonstrate, and she is more than happy to help. She also said she just went to E______'s for help her make her vagina invincible. The [president's daughters] use three mustard bike pumps to pump up her vagina and she is excited as her vagina is getting bigger. P____, D____, and R_______, went riding the ballooning vagina, and they continued pumping until they reach the size of a planet, T_______ asks for more, then they pump and pump and pump and pump until her vagina is the size of the universe and explodes. T_______ vagina is still intact after popping and thanks the [president's daughters] for their help. /

He used to be really shy about references to the anus and genitalia. Seems he's gotten over that. Probably got desensitized through lots of inappropriate roleplaying.

DMW: Can I ask for a request?

Someone: i'm gonna be honest right off the bat...i am NOT that knowledgable in the x___ genre...i havent kept up with those games lately but i'll listen to your request and see if i can be able to do it.

DMW: Can I request a story of C____ x___, and T___ x___ from x___, having a contest on who will fill their panties with cheese spray to the size of a planet and even more and pop their panties, and when their panties pop, their second pair of panties are revealed and the loser must have his or her second pair of panties filled with cheese spray by the whole audience including the winner to the size of the universe nonstop until the panties pop?

Someone: Yeah...I'm going to respectfully decline that one, to be honest

DMW: Or a story of T____ and V______ teaming up to inflate C____ to a massive size and she loves it?

Someone: look i'm gonna be honest...i just have a bad vibe right now and i just have to respectfully decline again...sorry /


DMW: So, you still on hold for requests? Cause I really want my request to happen.

DMW's Friend: Nope, all requests are open! However, I won't do them for free but don't worry becuase all you have to do to get a request filled is to write a story for me as simple as that!

DMW: Okay, then, my request was a multiple part story series of T_______ in a quest of "Queen of the Pants" as the three [president's daughter]es guide her into three challenges. First, T_______ must survive as the [president's daughter]es fill up a giant yellow [mountain dew bottle of orange fluid] in her pants with mustard to the size of a house until it pops. She passes the first one, so the second one is T_______ having her pants filled to the brim with bugs that are trained to tickle her, not harm her. And she doesn't back out and she passes the second challenge. The final challenge is T_______ having a red deflated planet sized exercise ball in her pants filled with ice cold water until it bursts. She passed the final challenge and she is donned "Queen of the Pants". To celebrate, they dress T_______ in long pink and shiny latex pants and stuff tons of [mountain dew bottle of orange fluid] in her pants.

DMW's Friend: Very well, then and my request is that after her horrible birthday in where she was kidnapped by B_____, [president's daughter] P____ decided to inflate herself with helium to make up for that disaster of a birthday, [president's daughter] D___ then comes along and fills herself up with a p-tank to join her drifting along the ceiling, then [president's daughter] R_______ drops by and pulls out a [mountain dew bottle of orange fluid] from her breasts, popping it as she [mountain dew bottle of orange fluid] too and joins her friends floating high above her!

DMW: Your request is done. x___

DMW's Friend: Thank you and this may sound mean but since I'm doing a three part story for you could you possibly do two more requests for me to make it even?

DMW: Okay

DMW's Friend: My next request is a sequel to the one you just did in where it is [president's daughter] D___'s birthday as [president's daughter] P____ inflates her breasts with a good old fashion air pump as her gift to her and then P____ herself inflates her own breasts with an air tank as the party gets even better as [president's daughter] R_______ drops by and not wanting to feel left out inflates her breasts too with a helium tank!

DMW: There. x___ What's your next request?

DMW's Friend: I love it and for the final of the birthday series, it is [president's daughter] R_______'s birthday but unfortunately there are no spaceships to take them there as [president's daughter] P____ & D___ sneak into an old abandoned warehouse and fill themselves up with helium until they're big enough to float up to their friend's [outhouse] up in space but that's just the beginning as P____ volunteers to let R_______ pump her breasts up with air through the use of an air pump as D___ is somewhat dissappinted that her boobs are going to be blown up until [president's daughter] R_______ jumps her from behind and fills her boobs up with air from the tank that [president's daughter] P____ bought her for her birthday that was delivered early that morning as soon R_______ gives herself a present by doing something she had always wanted to do since she was a little girl which was inflate herself with helium and become her own [mountain dew bottle of orange fluid] but [president's daughter] R_______ makes it even better by filling herself up with helium until she's as big as a blimp allowing the breastlooned [president's daughter]es to ride on her as they tour the universe as it becomes as birthday party she'll never forget!

DMW's Friend: I've left a comment on D___'s x___ telling you what it is! /


(I edited out the titles but I kinda wish I didn't, because they had funny breast inflation puns)
(And I greatly enjoyed using control+h)

DMW: Now that all of your mice have been inflated,can I make a request? /



So, in conclusion:



Spoiler



DMW: Now their pants are the size of 100 universes.

Someone: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

DMW: Their mustard pants are getting so big, they're breaking through your computer!

Someone: Nope.

DMW: Yes they are, so play along.

Someone: K.

DMW: Their pants are getting filled with mustard and are about to fill your room. /


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## tobacky_vapor (Nov 1, 2013)

My personal lolcow always has been and probably always will be yaoi fangirls.  While I generally hate weebs it's hard for me to hate this group because despite their the most deranged of weebs, theu are also the funniest and easiest to troll due to how illogical the are.

I wanted to make a thread of them here on lolcow,  but I'm not sure if it's a good enough topic.


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## MysticMisty (Nov 1, 2013)

The only weebs I've ever encountered were yaoi fangirls in a lesbian relationship with each other. They were pissed off that the college anime club had a no porn rule, which of course included yaoi and yuri. There was no fist fight and they weren't hambeasts (though they did wear cat ears and yaoi pins every time I saw them around campus), they just angrily quit the club during the second or third meeting (pretty sure they accused the club organizer of being a homophobe first though). They weren't missed.


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## John Titor (Nov 2, 2013)

My favorite non-specific lolocows would be art thieves. It's amazing, they fight to the death to claim that they were the true and honest creator of the content they stolen. Especially funny when they don't know who the character (if it's fan art) is or when I provide evidence of thievery.

In retrospect, I should have acted like Phoenix Wright when I called them out. Dammit.


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## c-no (Nov 2, 2013)

John Titor said:
			
		

> My favorite non-specific lolocows would be art thieves. It's amazing, they fight to the death to claim that they were the true and honest creator of the content they stolen. Especially funny when they don't know who the character (if it's fan art) is or when I provide evidence of thievery.
> 
> In retrospect, I should have acted like Phoenix Wright when I called them out. Dammit.


Art Thief: This is my original creation, DO NOT STEAL!
John Titor: OBJECTION    This art of your's is based on a existing piece of art. I have the proof right here.
Art Thief: IT'S MY ORIGINAL CREATION YOU DANG DIRTY SLANDEROUS TROLL!!!!!


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## random_pickle (Nov 2, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> John Titor said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



fixed


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## NoisyPanther (Nov 4, 2013)

My friends did have this one lolcow when they went to school, but he was the typical guy who just had no friends and tried way too hard to get friends. Of course, they were kind of A-Logs and beat him up all the time to get him to go away and he still wouldn't go away. Not even a running dropkick to the sack in the middle of winter could get this guy to leave(not only that, but he congratulated the guy on a nice dropkick). Eventually the kid became super goth and snapped and brought a gun to his high school (as far as I know, he didn't do anything, but he was probably far more threatening than Our Pet Lolcow).

Another personal lolcow of mine was in elementary school. The kid had rather rich parents, but no social skills and was quite unpleasant to be around in general. He kept going on and on about stuff no one cares about, trying to be cool while fooling absolutely nobody and walking around with his sleeves caked with mucus from constantly wiping his nose on them. He also had quite the B.O. going on. He kept constantly trying to get us to give him some food from our lunches, until one of us finally snapped and gave him something, he then sulked and refused it because he thought it came too easily and wasn't fun. Hell, we were the geeks and we still wanted nothing to do with him. The only reason he hung around us is because we weren't A-Logs like the other kids who took pleasure in kicking him in the sack all the time for shits and giggles. He was the kind of kid who tried to argue with teachers and thought he was all smart and logical trying to refute issues like sexism and racism, but he just ended up sounding like a jackass.


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## Surtur (Nov 4, 2013)

What the hell kind of school did you go to where people were kicked in the sack all the time?


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## Uzumaki (Nov 5, 2013)

When I was in college, before I even knew who Chris-Chan was or that lolcows were a thing, my friends and I referred to interacting with lolcows as "tard baiting". Only we didn't have the good sense to find these people on the internet, we went to school with ours. The guy who I still think of when Chris-chan stuff comes up, my first personal lolcow, was none other than Dave Henry: Champion of Justice. The parallels between himself and Chris are eerie, except instead of wanting to be a famous comic artist/video game player Dave wanted to be a famous comedian/demagogue. 

His website has been down for years. I was hoping to use the wayback machine to take you with me on a magical journey through my memories back to 2005-2006, around there, but it turns out the best stuff wasn't archived.

Here's the main page anyway, a few of the pages were crawled but none of the good ones.

http://web.archive.org/web/20080124163046/http://www.championofjustice.ca/

I'm a little upset now, I thought I was going to be able to show examples as I explained (edit: although see below). I suppose I can just relay some "sagas" in anecdotal form.

The thing that stands out the most in my mind was the "Ask the Champ" section. Dave would take e-mails and post his replies to them. 100% of the e-mails on this page were written by my friends and myself, we would send him at least one a day. As we went on we kept getting bolder; I sent him at least three e-mails signed using different feminizations of my name, and one where my name was an anagram. Finally, in a move we would always attempt to top but never could, someone (I wish it was me) convinced Dave that Paula Zahn read out and commented on one of his "rants" on CNN. The person supposedly writing to confirm this information referred to Paula as "a wretched crotch-bleeder". Dave still bought it hook, line and sinker.

Another event with parallels to Chris was the "Jack Trenton Saga". In it this one a person, who I won't name but who was basically Dave's Clyde Cash, wrote Dave claiming to be a big-shot TV producer (with a free e-mail account, natch) named Jack Trenton. Jack asked Dave to write a pilot episode for a TV show, and he did. When I lost access to my old hotmail account the archives of these e-mails (and the script itself) were lost forever, but it was a thing of beauty. The premise of the show was that a bunch of roommates (Dave and his friends) would watch TV all day as a framing devices for sketches. It was the greatest thing in the world and the fact that none of us have copies of it anymore is a travesty. Holy crap I found it in a really old backup, uploading now. http://speedy.sh/9ctd7/Dave-s-sitcom-script.rtf Full length motherfu-

He was also a wiccan, believed in ghosts, and one time at a party refused to enter this public park because he said he could see all the spirits haunting it.

Well this kind of sucked. I just want to point out that when I started writing this I thought I'd have webpages to reference. Say what you want about me being boring, I'm no quitter!

Edit: Ooooh shit, he's not that good at deleting fucking everything: https://myspace.com/thechampofjustice/video/short-1/1020762

Edit Edit: Encyclopedia Dramatica page: https://encyclopediadramatica.es/index.php?title=Dave_Henry&oldid=452723

Edit Edit Edit: Really glad I did this now, I found a bunch of stuff I thought was lost.


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## Picklepower (Nov 5, 2013)

tobacky_vapor said:
			
		

> My personal lolcow always has been and probably always will be yaoi fangirls.  While I generally hate weebs it's hard for me to hate this group because despite their the most deranged of weebs, theu are also the funniest and easiest to troll due to how illogical the are.
> 
> I wanted to make a thread of them here on lolcow,  but I'm not sure if it's a good enough topic.



Oh man, even though I like Yaoi stuff, (I once had an embarrassing account on a yaoi forum) the fan girls are really bad. Especially since a lot of yaoi fan girls are like 16, and don't really know what real sex is like, its funny when those types write fan fics. I am friends with a couple Yaoi fangirls that can be unintentionally funny. From my experience it seems that the yaoi fan girls, are into the light, non pornographic, just shirtless guys maybe hugging, stuff. While it is the male Yaoi fans that enjoy the really dirty, pornographic Yaoi.


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## hm yeah (Nov 6, 2013)

So, my little lolcow, DMW had suddenly become very perverted, or at least more open about it. See, I first thought he was just another cartoonpedo, then thought he was touched wrong and kind of "locked" at the age of 6-8, now I'm thinking he's a mix of both, but nothing conclusive. I kind of wonder what he's like apart from his...big fixation that every bit of his deviantart activity revolves around.



Spoiler



DMW: Can I request [little boy] having his pants and penis filled with soda?





Spoiler



DMW: Thanks. Can I request a story of Z____, S____, P____, D____, and R_______ all getting themselves a mustard bike pump each to fill [little girl]'s pants to the size of a planet, then a galaxy, then the universe until her pants pop and afterwards they decided to cover [little girl] with mustard from the mustard bike pumps, and they decided to do D____ next as everyone else plugged the pumps' hoses in D____'s pants and pump her pants up with tons of mustard to the size of a planet, a galaxy, then the universe until her pants exploded, and they cover her with mustard as well, then they decide to call and irder [little boy] to wear a mustard yellow suit and Z____ plugs her mustard pump to his right arm sleeve, S____ plugs her's to his left arm sleeve, P____ plugs her's to his left pant leg, R_______ plugs her's to his right pant leg, D____ plugs her's to the rear of his suit, and [little girl], with an extra mustard bike pump, plugs her's to the front of his suit near his vagina, and they all pump and pump mustard in [little boy]'s suit as each of the females have a mustard bike pump to fill [little boy]'s suit to the brim, as all the opening of the suit are sealed as no mustard will escape. [little boy]'s suit fill up to the size of a planet, then a galaxy, and when his suit is the size of the universe, they keep pumping until the suit explodes, and they use the pumps to cover [little boy] nonstop, especially his vagina? All with dialog and not too short?



He's obssessed with this very much underaged little boy character, and the closely related little girl character. This is the same little boy who he requested a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL on deviantART to draw a picture of with a soda-filled penis. I guess since all of his comments have involved the words "inflate" and "vagina" over and over and over (like, 3 times in each comment he's been writing lately) that he forgot that...god dammit what am I about to write here. Holy shit.

what has happened to my meek little lolcow???


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## Charon (Nov 6, 2013)

This person was once the resident manager of a psychological facility I was at as a kid and is at the same company on the board of directors now. She was very condescending, rude and critical of clients when she displayed what she criticized to the same degree or more so, abused & exploited her pets for her own enjoyment, put ziploc bags of shaved infected matted dog hair or feces in refrigerators where clients' food and medication are stored, has taken assorted house pets out into the mountains or woods when she grew bored of them or they had medical issues, made Craigslist and Facebook posts baaawwwing and attention-whoring for supposedly "lost" or "stolen" pets that she dumped in wildlands to end up as a meal for a cougar, bear or coyote. Numerous people confronted her about it and she denied any wrongdoing, and threatened to call the police on me for calling her what she was and is, an abuser of vulnerable people and pets. She is still attention-whoring and personal-army-requesting on Craigslist about a Bengal cat that "ran away" but an acquaintance of her confirmed was dumped in mountain foothills, in the face of mass flagging.

This bitch makes me even madder than how CWC and  treat the beagles and cats. If I wasn't a renter applying for a psychiatric service dog I'd gladly have taken the cats off her hands.


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## TopperHay (Nov 6, 2013)

I knew a girl in highschool who was basically the female version of CWC. She was autistic, homophobic, had her own clutch of Mary Sues and "original" characters (who were recoloured/genderswapped versions of Marvel and DC superheroes) and she genuinely believed that Krypto the Superdog was her own creation. She hung around me and my friends because we liked to draw and would hang over us like a 'spergy vulture adding her own inane commentary to what we were sketching at the time. She eventually took the hint and stopped bothering us after a while, but the creepiest thing happened after I left highschool when she found out where I used to live and asked my mother where I was and kept pestering her for my new address. Not even CWC was as pro-active as that to track down his old...aquaintances.

There are also two other Lolcows I know from DeviantArt. One is a guy in his mid-twenties who draws like an 8 year old and compares his art style to Marvel comics (par for the course on DA, I know) and everytime he enters a Livestream session, he won't shut up about his characters and expects everyone to know them even though he doesn't draw them that much. I also suspect he comes to Livestreams just to get a free drawing of his characters.

The other is a young woman whom I've known since 2006 and she hasn't changed at all since I've known her. She's a love freak and has a habit of creating bland, glurgey Mary Sues. She usually draws them only once, writes a huge bio for them, and it's unlikely that she'll ever draw them again and just hop to the next Sue. It's usually established franchises she latches onto but recently she's targeted a few other folks on DA to shoehorn her "characters" into. I happen to be one of them. It's weird to have a legit, non piss-takey Mary Sue created especially for a world you've worked hard to create only to have it marred by someone having borderline masturbatory fantasies about one of the characters (who in my case happens to be underage). I'd also like to point out that she's "in love" with a guy on the internet that she hasn't even met in real life.


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## hopietan (Nov 6, 2013)

I have two stories about personal lolcows to share. 

One was this girl who used to go to my high school, let's call her A. This guy who I'll call B who we welcomed into our small nerd group, invited her into the group without our permission so that's how I got to know her. Anyways, she would constantly boast about having this wonderful boyfriend who supposedly lived in our town. She would continue talking about him throughout the rest of the school year until summer came. When the new school year started she was in my English class, and it seems she had forgotten about her boyfriend. She was obsessed with B, and she would constantly talk about him in the class to me and this other girl. I wasn't very close to A yet the question of what happened to her boyfriend was in my mind. In October though, after obsessing over B for a month, she brought up her boyfriend again which me and my friend would listen about. Finally in November, she came into the class late and crying claiming that her boyfriend died. This made it into super drama in the class but oh well at this time I actually felt legitimately bad for her since I didn't know her too well at the time so I believed her story. I was friends with her on facebook so we saw so many statuses about it. Eventually next semester came and once again A was in another class of mine this time Home Ec. Since A was the only person I knew in the class, I ended up joining her group again but this time I met new friends as well. At the beginning of the semester, A was bragging about her new boyfriend and she showed pictures. This when I became mainly suspicious about her, because the pictures looked like a stereotypical picture you could find on google by searching for "hot emo guy." One day when A was absent (This was pretty much 3-4 times a week, she missed school a whole lot and ended up failing high school), the girl in my group pulled me aside to show me something funny. She searched for a famous photographers name and found the same picture that A showed us. A week later A came to us crying telling us that her new boyfriend died too. This is when we all became suspicious and decided that A was just a big liar. We live in a city where pretty much any news is news, so I became extra curious and did my own searching. I looked for accidents/death that occured in November that A claimed that her boyfriend died in and I could find no accounts which fit the stories that she would tell. I couldn't search for the newest case though because she barely gave us any information about his death or even name, probably because she knew she couldn't keep up with her own lies. Another odd thing was, there was no pictures of her and this guy on facebook when she is the type of girl who posts pretty much every photo she takes with friends there are even a few with me even though I was barely a friend. This is when I warned B and other friends in our group that we should be cautious of A because she tells a lot of bullshit. B knew this, yet he still kept her around because he pretty much pitied her because she had no other friends even though she lied to him about other things than about her "dead boyfriend" like telling him that she got raped multiple times. 

Another lolcow I knew was online. I made a chatroom for people from an old community I used to hang out in, for them to frequent. This guy saw the link on my profile and decided to join in too. Either way, at first he was fine but then he began to get boring. He would constantly tell us about the first community he was in and how they were all  ]P . This would end up becoming a broken record since he would constantly tell us about those  ]P . This was about three years ago too, so my friends and I just got sick of him and being the immature weens we were pretty much bullied him out of hanging out in the chatroom. I apologized for my actions since I was a very immature 15 year old girl at the time so we ended up on neutral terms but haven't really spoken since. The few times he does message me now is to complain about how the world hates him and even if I reply he doesn't respond back. Another weird thing, if I look at his dA then he ends up commenting on my page asking "Why were you looking at my page?" This may not be weird behaviour but I know he stalks me and my friends chat constantly even now even though it's a thing of the past. Even if we mention him slightly, (It's a chat that can have several pages in a day) he somehow finds out and ends up lurking for hours. Another thing is that he draws like he is 3 with the heavy crayons, I'm not exaggerating either because you barely can tell that he drew a character with the way he draws. CWC's art is actually much better when compared to his. Anyways, the guy I'm talking about is pretty boring now and supposedly he's isolated himself from online communities however very often he makes facebook statuses about how he is so much better than anyone who frequents online because he has a life, pretty much sperging on how much better his life is than anyone's life is in the online communities he was in.


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## babeintoyland (Nov 6, 2013)

I have friends from high school I'm trying to not be around anymore. I pretty much grew up while they didn't I will tell you about one. 

The worst she did in the beginning was talk about me behind my back but then she showed her true colors and stole headphones from my friend said to my friend's face she isn't giving them back and used them in front of her. She had sex with my other friend and he told her not to do something and she did it anyways then acted transphobic to him later on. She is also really crazy over the china like it makes her insane. I have no idea if this is a lesbian thing because I get crazy over girls too but not like her. Basically she will date a girl for a week the girl will break up with her and she will say how in love she was with this girl and how she wants to kill herself. She even is considering giving up a higher paying position at her job for this girl who broke her heart twice already so the girl can have it. She also talks about how she wants to rape girls and it's okay for girls to rape other girls just not guys raping girls.


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## littlebiscuits (Nov 7, 2013)

I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.


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## sparklemilhouse (Nov 7, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.



She must of hated changing clothes, because when I went to school that was pretty much the only reason why someone would fail.


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## MysticMisty (Nov 7, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
> 
> 
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There were some defiant girls in my gym class who always refused to change for class. They probably thought they were the shit. I saw idiots who probably had pissed off parents every quarter.


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## Surtur (Nov 7, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> I knew a girl who failed gym four times. Four times. She didn't graduate high school because she couldn't pass gym class. It's been five years and I still can't wrap my head around it.



How the fuck do you fail Gym? That shit is like an automatic A.


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## Watcher (Nov 7, 2013)

Surtur said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
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If you don't show up or if you don't participate/do anything. 

Most of Gym class is participatory, just if the instructor asks you to run a lap and you do it you usually just pass the course off. If you refuse or skip like half the classes then you usually flunk it.

It might be different in other schools though. In my high school we also had to do a few aptitude tests like having to run a certain amount of laps in a certain amount of time and stuff but I've never heard of anyone flunking the course because of it.


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## Surtur (Nov 7, 2013)

Dr. Cuddlebug said:
			
		

> Surtur said:
> 
> 
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But its so easy....


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## Watcher (Nov 7, 2013)

Surtur said:
			
		

> But its so easy....



mmm yeah


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## Springblossom (Nov 7, 2013)

Dr. Cuddlebug said:
			
		

> Surtur said:
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At my high school, Gym and Health were combined into one class (you alternate between Gym and Health). I know a couple people who did alright in Gym, but just slept through Health and ended up failing and having to retake it.


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## littlebiscuits (Nov 7, 2013)

This girl took not participating in gym to an Olympic level. Not changing into shorts and sneakers was just the tip of the iceberg. On days that she did change for gym, she would stand the corner of the room like a zombie, refusing to move or play. She was super overweight and didn't like to run around. I should also add that at our school, if running around wasn't your thing, you could bring a yoga mat and do yoga or aerobics to a little instructional video in a different room. There was literally no reason not to pass gym or get an A.

She failed all four years of gym. All. Four. Years.


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## Surtur (Nov 7, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> This girl took not participating in gym to an Olympic level. Not changing into shorts and sneakers was just the tip of the iceberg. On days that she did change for gym, she would stand the corner of the room like a zombie, refusing to move or play. She was super overweight and didn't like to run around. I should also add that at our school, if running around wasn't your thing, you could bring a yoga mat and do yoga or aerobics to a little instructional video in a different room. There was literally no reason not to pass gym or get an A.
> 
> She failed all four years of gym. All. Four. Years.



Once again, your avatar is my reaction.


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## JarlaxleBaenre (Nov 7, 2013)

The possible influx of new users are my potential herd of lolcows.


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## Big Bad Bert (Nov 7, 2013)

JarlaxleBaenre said:
			
		

> The possible influx of new users are my potential herd of lolcows.


Aaaaand here come the horrible memories of my first forum posts.

Repress, repress, repress.

Gallantmon8 and Sonmanic were pretty big lolcows, especially Sonmanic. They haven't really done anything notable as of late it seems.


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## c-no (Nov 7, 2013)

Big Bad Bert said:
			
		

> JarlaxleBaenre said:
> 
> 
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> ...


Last time I saw a picture of Sonmanic it was from Know Your Meme but I think someone may of took it down, luckily my friend gave me the link of the picture:


Spoiler


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## Dork Of Ages (Nov 10, 2013)

No offense, but I don't need to be reminded of this pic, c-no. Put spoilers, pls?


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## c-no (Nov 10, 2013)

Dork Of Ages said:
			
		

> No offense, but I don't need to be reminded of this pic, c-no. Put spoilers, pls?


I fixed it. Now your eyes don't have to worry until you click spoiler.


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## JustaCarrot (Nov 10, 2013)

I had an interesting encounter with a girl long ago when I was in middle school. I didn't have any classes with her, thankfully, but she went to my school and was something of a friend of my friend's friend. She was chubby and annoying. 

Anyway she heard that I enjoyed writing and wanted me to read something she'd written. It was a very long story about her meeting a band she was obsessed with. I'm pretty sure it was Good Charlotte because two of the guys were twins. This was back in 2000 when the internet was sort of still taking off, and I had no idea that I was reading the kind of garbage that would soon go global.

To her credit it was well written. The problem was the content. Basically the story is about her meeting the band at a restaurant where she worked, falling in love with the singer, becoming BFFs with every member of the band, then breaking up with the singer and then hooking up with his twin brother. I'd like to point again that this was a loooooooong story. Page after page of crap like her spending quality time with guys, the band members sitting around talking about how great she is, and you get the picture.

I told her I didn't like it. 

She got really freaking pissed off. 

Never saw her again, but that story gave me a scar.


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## Wall of Originals (Nov 12, 2013)

I don't know if he was already mentioned, but I am fascinated with a guy named Demonius X. He is made of blubber and anger. He is one of those guys who complains about women and work and does absolutely nothing but post his rants on YouTube. He has been around for a while, but keeps deleting his accounts and comes back after 6-8 months. He has gotten into online pissing matches with lead munching wrestling fans and posted all about his fiancee to show trolls he could get laid. And that is just some of the wonder that is Demonius X.


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## MerriedxReldnahc (Nov 14, 2013)

Surtur said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
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I failed with a 19% in 8th grade because my teacher graded based on weather or not she liked you, but after that I did fine. Four times is just insane! I DID have a friend who despite all odds managed to get a 0.0 GPA.


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## Surtur (Nov 14, 2013)

Did she just not attend class?


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## littlebiscuits (Nov 14, 2013)

Surtur said:
			
		

> Did she just not attend class?



She was very overweight and hated to run. She did cut class a lot, but even when she did attend, she basically refused to move.   I was only in one gym class with her. We were doing yoga she just curled up on the mat and pretended to be asleep, complete with fake snoring and everything. I guess she thought she was being cute? 

The gym teachers didn't like her, but they also didn't want her to screw up her education just because of high school gym. They practically begged her to move. It didn't work.


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## Dork Of Ages (Nov 14, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> Surtur said:
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I don't like gym classes all that much either. But still, acting like  is something that I really shudder to think of.


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## The Knife (Nov 14, 2013)

My first lolcow was a guy who for the sake of this forum's collective sanity I am going to call Nickels because he's kind of like Beetlejuice in that if you say his name three times, he invariably shows up.  I'm not exactly afraid he will, it's just that the forum mods are probably very busy people who don't have the time to mop up the kind of verbal diarrhea this guy can produce.  He googles his own name constantly and is known to take up an old grudge years later and go after it again like it was yesterday.  I'd be surprised if no one here's ever heard of him though.

Nickels, primarily, fancies himself the reincarnated lovechild of Stephen King, Edgar Alan Poe, and H.P. Lovecraft, except that would be gay and he is vehemently against homosexuals because they are against God and Nature and Jesus.  He's so into living the Dark Gothic Hardcore Christian Death Metal lifestyle that he lives in a basement.  His grandparents' basement, from whence he produces huge wall-o'-text horror anthologies and preys on the few fledgling writers who haven't already heard of him and didn't think to Google his name.  Generally, he forgets to pay them. 

He also regularly declares wars on established professional writers where he calls them queer and hopes some rapes their wives and murders their children.  Since he never leaves his basement, they're in no danger, but this kind of crazy is not the sort of thing you want connected to your professional career, so he gets a lot of C&D letters.

Amongst his adventures are:

* Traveling 800 miles to Baltimore to sneak a copy of his autobiography into the Edgar Allen Poe museum so that he could tell the internet that it had been there.
* Hiring a model for a Dark Gothic Fetish photoshoot, only to have her turn out to be underage--then trying to encourage her to do the shoot anyway until some of his trolls tipped off the girl and her guardian.
* Tagging along like a puppy on the fringes of the metal scene in his town, then claiming online that he's a roadie or stage manager.
* Constantly taking bus trips to various places, then running out of money as soon as he gets there, leaving him stuck sleeping on the streets.  Being temporarily homeless for Nickels is like being banned from public places for Chris.

Actually, in a lot of ways he's like Bizarro World Chris.  Instead of a comic, he has horrible, unreadable stories.  Instead of autism, he's bipolar, and he treats bipolar disorder like it's the source of his superpowers.  Like Chris, he's engages in love quests while secretly revealing that what he's actually looking for is a mommy he can fuck.  Like Chris, he's terrified of falling off the straight path, only he's more likely to threaten to jam his fist down someone's throat.

The best part of Nickels is definitely his writing.  It reads like someone ran H.P. Lovecraft through an Eye of Argon filter, and, like Sonichu, most of it's about a maligned writer who takes supernatural revenge on someone who shits on his "art."

I've fallen out of the Nickels loop in the past few years, and gradually his keepers have figured out that it's best to restrict his internet access and keep him off the streets, so the lolcow teat may have dried up.  From the network of trolls still keeping an eye on him, though, it seems that he's still in Grandma's basement, writing his awful stories and shaking his fat fist at the world on a smaller scale.


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## Saney (Nov 14, 2013)

The Knife said:
			
		

> My first lolcow was a guy who for the sake of this forum's collective sanity I am going to call Nickels because he's kind of like Beetlejuice in that if you say his name three times, he invariably shows up.



Nickels

Nickels

Nickels.


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## Bridechu (Nov 14, 2013)

My friend got a job babysitting three autistic boys last summer through her medical school. All were comparatively high functioning, one was almost entirely "mainstreamed". The two less capable were, typically, in love with Sonic and there are some okay stories about that (including a totally original character called Ultimate the Hybrid Hedgehog). But the highest functioning one, who was eleven, is a more unusual case.

This kid, who I'll call Paul (short for RuPaul) was obsessed with makeup. Especially lipsticks but all makeup to some degree. He could spend hours reading about it online and looking up pictures or watching videos of makeup application. If allowed, he would probably spend all day in the makeup aisle of a drugstore just touching stuff. Otherwise he was a pretty normal little boy. He had great social interaction for an autistic kid and even showed a lot of interest in improving his social skills. He was a good athlete and honestly enjoyed sports. But if he was allowed, he would wear lipstick all the time.

His parents were pretty disturbed by his "hobby" and set out strict ground rules with his counselor. He was allowed to have two uncoloured lip glosses at school/day camp with him and was allowed to apply it only in the bathroom. He was allowed one slightly tinted lip gloss at a time at home and was only allowed to wear it if he had been good that day. He could buy other makeup with his own money (he did yardwork for the neighbours) but only one piece every three weeks and he wasn't allowed to wear it, just keep it in his room and test it on his arms. He had a collection of around forty lipsticks apart from his lip glosses. All of them either never used or barely used. He would just sit with it in his room, uncap them, screw them up, stare, then put them away. He'd group them in different boxes and loved re-organizing them. He also owned a lot of makeup brushes that he could pretend with.

He wouldn't talk about his collection with anyone unless they were a professional and specifically asked. But his "personal writing journal" thing was pretty much all about makeup. He did a science project on how lipstick is made and when another boy punched him on the playground for being gay, Paul fought back and kicked his ass.

Paul developed a little kid crush on a girl, also autistic, at his day camp. He confided in the counselor that he wished she'd wear lipstick, or at least gloss, even though the only thing she was interested in was ballet and books and movies about ballet. He saved up his money and bought her a fairly lip gloss called Ballet Pink or something as well as a ballet novel for her birthday. She loved the book but never wore the lip gloss and it really bummed him out.


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## BALLZ-BROKEN (Nov 14, 2013)

Wall of Originals said:
			
		

> I don't know if he was already mentioned, but I am fascinated with a guy named Demonius X. He is made of blubber and anger. He is one of those guys who complains about women and work and does absolutely nothing but post his rants on YouTube. He has been around for a while, but keeps deleting his accounts and comes back after 6-8 months. He has gotten into online pissing matches with lead munching wrestling fans and posted all about his fiancee to show trolls he could get laid. And that is just some of the wonder that is Demonius X.



DemoniusX is not pleased with your post!


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## Roger Rabbit (Nov 15, 2013)

Tea Party-style patriots who don't know anything, so they accuse everybody of being against them, say the President is from Kenya and are just ignorant beyond belief.


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## Shadow Fox (Nov 15, 2013)

Haha "Nickels."  I was wondering about him the other day.  I think that one blog that tracked his activities got TOS'd and I can't remember if there were others.  It's good for him that his handlers are trying to rein him in now, hilarious though his chimpouts were.  I remember he used to explode with absolutely no provocation whatsoever.  Dude was either comatose or foaming at the mouth in an insane rage, there was no in-between.


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## Da Pickle Monsta (Nov 15, 2013)

My wife and I ran into a crazy lady at the store a while back.  She must be some sort of compulsive liar.  During the cours of the conversation, she told us:

That her late husband was a retired Navy captain and was a fighter jet pilot.  She then claimed that he started a second career as a passenger jet pilot for a major airline, and also retired from that job.

That she was a missionary to the Philippines, and owned three business there.  Despite being a successful businesswoman, she elected to live in a one-bedroom apartment with a roommate.

That she is in an internet relationship with an Army officer.  This officer also happens to be a four-star general.

That her internet general boyfriend has sent bodyguards to protect her, and that she has received self-defense training from both the CIA and the FBI.

That the Dole fruit company wants her dead.

That she is fluent in English, French, German, Tagalog and Arabic.  Unfortunately, she was unable to demonstrate her linguistic dexterity because she's out of practice.

It was really something.


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## sparklemilhouse (Nov 15, 2013)

lol why would the dole pineapples want her dead? hahahahahaha

---

I ran across this gem in my live journal, from the old customers_suck group on live journal, circa summer of '08:







Doesn't it sound like something pixyteri would write?


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## darkhorse816 (Nov 16, 2013)

Patrice "Pato" Wilson. The guy who is the mastermind of ARC Music Factory, and now Pato Music.

Where do I begin?

He looks like a fat Usher.

He can't write.

He has a really creepy smile.

He's usually the only adult in the music videos.

He asks parents for a large amount of money so that their kid can sing one of the "amazing" songs he wrote, and will make a music video starring them and their friends, and profits off of royalties (I think).

He inserts himself into all of the kids' videos.

Also, he banned comments on his videos.

I had most of the dramatic writing department (I'm getting my masters in dramatic writing) over to my apartment last week for dinner, and we were discussing Patrice. And then I said, oh, he left the ARC music factory because someone got sick of him. He has a new youtube channel called Patomusic. And one of my friends said, "wait, Pato, as in an accented pedo?" "Yeah."

He is really creepy!


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## Da Pickle Monsta (Nov 16, 2013)

darkhorse816 said:
			
		

> Patrice "Pato" Wilson. The guy who is the mastermind of ARC Music Factory, and now Pato Music.
> 
> Where do I begin?
> 
> ...



This is the man responsible for "Friday," right?


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## Wall of Originals (Nov 16, 2013)

Da Pickle Monsta said:
			
		

> darkhorse816 said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Heck yes! I didn't know ARC Music Factory was mainly one person. The more you know.


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## Null (Nov 16, 2013)

ARC Music Factory specifically produces bad music videos for the sake of having them go viral and catching mad $$dosh$$.

"My Jeans" is another video produced by them and is much less known because the talent featured, in this case Jenna Rose, flipped shit after Rebecca Black got bullied out of life for her video. They took the video down upon request, but it's been mirrored a bunch.

[youtube]0XMy9WeI_fw[/youtube]

This song is actually something I personally like. It's not because of the video or lyrics, but I really like her voice. I think she could do much better.

(Also notice the very random black person that shows up in both My Jeans and Friday. It's a part of their formula.)
(P.P.S. The song is called My Jeans but she's not wearing jeans. Also a part of the joke and intentionally bad aspect.)


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## Himawari (Nov 16, 2013)

My Jeans isn't well-known?  But it's hilarious! 

Also Jenna Rose is a cutie.


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## GV 002 (Nov 19, 2013)

Right.  I've been lurking here and reading some pretty hilarious stories (Little Biscuits, we need more from you!), and I think it's time to share my personal lolcow.

To protect her identity (but hellfire I would LOVE to name and shame), I will refer to her as Batty, as she is genuinely batshit insane.  I live in a shared house with my partner, a really nice quiet guy who mostly keeps to himself, and Batty.  I've lived here for almost two years now, and I've been trying my utmost to get the hell out of here with the mister for the last one, but finance always prevents us as we are only really just scraping by right now.

It's a long-ass story, so I'll bosh it in a spoiler - 



Spoiler



Batty is a 31 year old woman with an alcohol problem and the mind of a child.  The house we live in was once hers; she lived here with her fiance and his baby son (not hers), but he left her rather abruptly six years ago for reasons you will probably figure out on your own, hence the rented out rooms.  Now Batty at the moment seems like a figure to pity, and at first I did...until things got out of hand.

Batty literally is a womanchild; how she's actually managed to reach 31 I have no clue.  She's very petty and asinine, throwing literal tantrums complete with screaming, throwing stuff, slamming doors and tears when things don't go her way, and by things 'not going her way', I mean things as stupid as the dishwasher not being unloaded or her clothes not being dry in the morning after washing them.  The times of day she has these tantrums seems to not matter to her as they range from midday to midnight, even the early hours of the morning.  

This childishness is fortified by her genuine overriding stupidity; on more than one occasion we have caught Batty doing shit that you just can't make up.  Three out of the four of us in the house smoke, so sometimes we get stray dogends on the doorstep and path.  Usually we sweep them up or use a plastic bag to get them, but not our dear, stupid Batty ding-dongs.  Nope.  After hearing a strange noise in the garden, me and the mister take a peek out the open front door, following the confused snake of an electrical cable out into the open.  Batty was hoovering the pavement.  In the rain.  Her granny skirts billowing about her pasty legs, Batty screeches out at us over the asthmatic hum of the vacuum cleaner, through a mess of drizzle, glasses and damp hair, 

"Heeeeeey guuuuuuys, I'm just CLEANING THE FLOOOOOOOOOR!"

No shit.

About five minutes in the hoover let out a sickly chugging cough and died, killed to death by gravel, dirt and soggy fagends.  We left her squawking confusedly over why the hoover had broken, her face the picture of confoundment.

Other famous moments from Batty include: 

- Not realising that fabric softener alone does not wash clothes;
- She cleans EVERYTHING with neat bleach, and I mean everything, and wonders why the paint on the doors peels;
- Genuinely believing that keeping the doors and windows closed will make clothes dry faster;
- Botching various house repairs, including making various pipes around the house leak profusely;
- Spray painting a perfectly good Singer sewing machine white in a room with bright red leatherette sofas and not covering the furniture;
- Attempting to hack weeds out of the cracks in concrete with a garden hoe (CLONK, scrape, CLONK, scrape, CLONK);

Seriously, I could list those all day.  But I won't, as the tale of Batty doesn't end there...

Batty, as we have mentioned before, has a serious alcohol problem.  She is literally always on the sauce, to the point where we could build an extension with all the booze bottles we collect on a weekly basis.  This was funny at first, but combined with her other behaviors, it's quickly gotten out of hand; we've even caught her red-handed stealing booze out of our supply when her's runs out and the shops are shut, and even telling us to go buy booze for her when she's too drunk to get more.

To make the above worse, she frequently crash-diets, living off those shitty one-milkshake-a-day diet plans in a pathetic attempt to lose weight.  As she never gives up the booze during these diets, she literally becomes a walking clusterfuck for about a month, until she caves and starts eating takeaways every single night.  She will literally order curry, Chinese or pizza every night, stinking out the bins as she never bags up her rubbish.  As a result her body is a weird shape; flabby, blotchy, with big bulky legs and arms, but a narrower waist and mossie-bite tits.  Strange looking creature.

Going on from this, we go on to the nastier of Batty's issues...she's a MASSIVE FUCKING WHORE.  I type no word of a lie when I say that she will have a guy over at least five days a week for a booze-fuelled screechy sex session.  Sometimes we recognise regulars, but often they're one-hit-wonders.  The funniest bit is that she usually makes a big meal out of cleaning before her latest swinging dick comes over, cleaning the entire house in anticipation of the hideous bumping of the ugliest of uglies.  She's genuinely convinced that if the house isn't spotless, she'll get no sex.  This is brilliant as we love deliberately leaving out the odd stray piece of litter or cutlery item just before her gigolo gets here, just to see her flap around and whine and scream.  The worst bit is the actual event itself.  See, Batty has one of those screechy high-pitched voices that goes right through you, and hearing her coital rutting calls is bone-chilling to say the least.  She'll do them anywhere; her room, the bathroom, the lounge, she doesn't care.  We have, however found a counterattack for the bathroom squeaky hide-the-pink-loofah antics - our room is next to the bathroom, and we tend to counter the racket with a hearty, loud dose of either some decent metal (Finntroll works well, as does Septic Flesh) or The Wurzels.

I mentioned her voice, didn't I?  Oh, she fancies herself a singer.  She sings unbearably loudly to herself whenever she's in the house as if to say 'MY HOUSE, I'M HOME, FUCK YOU I'M THE FUCKING QUEEN HERE!'.  The worst part is that it's always the same line of just one song at a time.  Drives you fucking bonkers.

I also mentioned the bathroom.  Well, Batty-boom-batty also loves baths.  Long.  FUCKING.  BATHS.  We only have the one bathroom between us, and we usually try to be as considerate as we can...all but her, of course.  She has at least two baths a day, each hours long.  This may seem minor, but when you're busting for a piss and all you can hear is shithead mcgee sloshing scented water around, watching Eastenders on her phone and singing 'Aaaaaand IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE-III-EEEEE-IIIII will ALways LEEEEEEEEEEEV YOOOOOOOOOO-UUU-OOOOOOOOOOO' over and over again, it gets real old real quick.  Oh, and if you're in the bathroom when she needs to be in there, she'll scream outside the door and mash at the handle like a horror movie monster until you get out.  Classy bitch we got here.

Jumping back to the sexytimes, as I have established she will attempt to mount anything with a pulse; guests, housemates, even my own brother.  It's gotten so bad that we never have friends over anymore as she will barge in unannounced every single time and make a general nuisance of herself, pining for attention and wearing the lowest cut top she has that isn't soiled with her last conquest's panic sweat.  If she knows we're having guests over, on occasion she'll 'plant' her bras around the house, only to saunter in and pick them up, dangling them in front of her target with an 'Oooooooops!  Ohh mai god I'm sooooo silly!  Tee hee!'.  If they stay the night (if they're brave enough that is), she'll often 'stumble' into the room 'accidentally' in a pathetic attempt to get enough attention to gobble some new cock.

Amongst all of this, there are stranger moments of just outright weird behavior.  She almost always walks around the house in a filthy white dressing gown, which is creepy enough, but couple that with the fact that she just sometimes sits on the stairs and moans like a retard, screams to herself in her room, and paces the house in the middle of the night crying, and you know that you really, really want to move the fuck out already.



So that's the ongoing story of Batty the faghag-boozegargling-pinksausageslotmachine-womanchild, or as much as I can stomach to write right now.  All I can say from this cautionary tale is that, seriously, fuck Batty.


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## tobacky_vapor (Nov 19, 2013)

Null said:
			
		

> ARC Music Factory specifically produces bad music videos for the sake of having them go viral and catching mad $$dosh$$.
> 
> "My Jeans" is another video produced by them and is much less known because the talent featured, in this case Jenna Rose, flipped shit after Rebecca Black got bullied out of life for her video. They took the video down upon request, but it's been mirrored a bunch.
> 
> ...




Yeah that's the one thing I've never understood about people going after the kids to have these music videos of them, THEY'RE FUCKING KIDS!  They don't know better yet,  they thin, what they're doing is cool, why the FUCK do grown ass adults want to hurt these kids.

Buuuut there is another video made by a adult, and I swear I think she is just trolling here.

[youtube]XMgcHv-HGCY[/youtube]


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## José Mourinho (Nov 19, 2013)

Did ARC Music Factory also make a song similar to "Friday"?


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## tobacky_vapor (Nov 19, 2013)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> Did ARC Music Factory also make a song similar to "Friday"?




He made a fuckton, before closing out and vanishing from the public. Until...


Spoiler



[youtube]ZSBq8geuJk0[/youtube]


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## random_pickle (Nov 19, 2013)

Well, I give him props for not making any songs about love/sex.


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## José Mourinho (Nov 19, 2013)

tobacky_vapor said:
			
		

> Alan Pardew said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yes, that's the song. Does ARC Music Factory really expect this song to be one of the best hits by just changing the lyrics of Friday a bit and call it a new song?


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## tobacky_vapor (Nov 19, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> Well, I give him props for not making any songs about love/sex.




You mean like 95% of mainstreammusic?



			
				Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> tobacky_vapor said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




probably not, but I will say he even if he wants  the video to go viral,  he's not smart enough to realize how bad it will backfire


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## José Mourinho (Nov 19, 2013)




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## darkhorse816 (Nov 20, 2013)

Null said:
			
		

> ARC Music Factory specifically produces bad music videos for the sake of having them go viral and catching mad $$dosh$$.
> 
> "My Jeans" is another video produced by them and is much less known because the talent featured, in this case Jenna Rose, flipped shit after Rebecca Black got bullied out of life for her video. They took the video down upon request, but it's been mirrored a bunch.
> 
> ...



I'm not sure if ARC music factory produced My Jeans...


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## Da Pickle Monsta (Nov 20, 2013)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNF-qH4S_UM



Godammit.  I could literally record the sounds of a Teddy Ruxpin being fed ino a blender and market it as a better song than that.


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## RV 229 (Nov 26, 2013)

I've got a personal pseudo-lolcow that is quite tricky, because it's somebody I care a lot about. I know somebody's going to try to say "why do you keep a person like that in your life?" or "that's not somebody I would want to be friends with." 

Anyways, I have a friend who is convinced he's a failure, doesn't look for the positive in either himself or his life (even though he does have good traits and his life has good things in it) and is showing signs of being clinically depressed and suicidal. He does get involved in a little bit of drama, or he will freak out and think the world is out to get him over little things, hence why I'm posting about it _here_ of all places, but I don't think he's beyond help.

I dunno. I'm white-knighting for my own personal lolcow, but I legitimately want to help him. I don't want to be his Anna. The problem is, as much as I don't want to enable him, I fear throwing his flaws in his face will just make it worse. He's already aware of them, he just doesn't know how to fix them. I don't want to give up on him either, because many times people can't make it out of these phases alone. He reaches out to me every time he contemplates killing himself. 

I don't know what to do about it anymore. He's got potential to survive and live a happier life, but he just isn't getting it. He's already seen a professional and it didn't help. Does anybody else have experience with people like this?


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## littlebiscuits (Nov 26, 2013)

Cyan said:
			
		

> I've got a personal pseudo-lolcow that is quite tricky, because it's somebody I care a lot about. I know somebody's going to try to say "why do you keep a person like that in your life?" or "that's not somebody I would want to be friends with."
> 
> Anyways, I have a friend who is convinced he's a failure, doesn't look for the positive in either himself or his life (even though he does have good traits and his life has good things in it) and is showing signs of being clinically depressed and suicidal. He does get involved in a little bit of drama, or he will freak out and think the world is out to get him over little things, hence why I'm posting about it _here_ of all places, but I don't think he's beyond help.
> 
> ...



I've had to deal with this before. I had a buddy who's depression was turning him into a sad, strange wizardchan type. My friends and I went to his house and literally pulled him out of bed and made him go to the hospital. Like, physically put him in my car and drove him to the ER and told them he was going to kill himself. Depression is a dark place, man. Not everyone can make it out alone.

I know you said your friend saw a professional, but you know, not every Shrink is a good one. And a lot of times a person has to want to fight for themselves to get better. If they know they have friends looking out for them, it will help. Give them something to live for, you know. 

Actions speak a lot louder than words in cases like this. Just telling your friend you don't want him to kill himself isn't nearly the same as actually showing that you're willing to help him. If he reaches out to you that might mean he does want to get better, and he's decided you are a person that can help him change. It's kind of a big burden to put on another person, I know, but then again, this is a life or death situation. 

edited for typo!


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## RV 229 (Nov 26, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> Cyan said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The problem is that he's on the other side of the country. I can't pull him into my car and force him to the hospital. I can only ask him to see professional help, and I can't force him to listen to me. Words are all I have.


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## Surtur (Nov 26, 2013)

He also has to want to change. All the help in the world does not matter if he wont help himself.


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## Kamen Rider Black RX (Nov 26, 2013)

Does the Ultimate Warrior count as a lolcow? I can't get enough of that guy.


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## c-no (Nov 26, 2013)

Kamen Rider Black said:
			
		

> Does the Ultimate Warrior count as a lolcow? I can't get enough of that guy.


[youtube]B4GvuoG8h3Y[/youtube]
What does Hulk Hogan have to say?


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## sparklemilhouse (Nov 29, 2013)

Those guys who are obsessed with vacuum cleaners.


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## random_pickle (Nov 29, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> Those guys who are obsessed with vacuum cleaners.



Please tell me that's in a non-sexual way.


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## Charon (Nov 29, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> Those guys who are obsessed with vacuum cleaners.


Like the guy who stuck his   into a running vacuum cleaner hose, only to have a moving part inside cut his duck off? (I think the story is on the Darwin Awards or Smoking Gun site)


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## Trombonista (Nov 29, 2013)

Chris Brown was my personal lolcow in 2012.


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## Foulmouth (Nov 29, 2013)

Peppy was becoming a pretty good Lolcow but then you banned him.


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## tobacky_vapor (Nov 29, 2013)

Foulmouth said:
			
		

> Peppy was becoming a pretty good Lolcow but then you banned him.



What sucks for Him is we finally found out how barb got the shit out of   



Spoiler



she didn't, she threw it into the laundry to troll her son


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## sparklemilhouse (Nov 29, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> sparklemilhouse said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Oh no, I mean people who fuss over them online, like one would fuss over cars or doll collections, I suppose:

http://www.youtube.com/user/ibaisaic

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-f ... -16-225444 

There's also a 9 year old in Britain who is obsessed with them.


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## Stratochu (Nov 30, 2013)

tobacky_vapor said:
			
		

> Foulmouth said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't want to get into a poo discussion, but I think instead of Peppy's theory Barb just bought more at Get-Tar Region, Walmart or Goodwill, which Chris continues to do now that   is bedridden.


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## sparklemilhouse (Nov 30, 2013)

There's someone I know on flickr forever, but  he drives me nuts around the holidays, because: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cheshireca ... 142183893/


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## random_pickle (Nov 30, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> There's someone I know on flickr forever, but  he drives me nuts around the holidays, because: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cheshireca ... 142183893/



What the hell did I just look at?


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## sparklemilhouse (Dec 1, 2013)

He takes down everything in his room (and most of his house) and starts putting the Christmas stuff up in SEPTEMBER. I think something might be up with him, mentally wise. I know he still lives with his parents, but they're really old, so he might be their caretaker (not in the Chris sense, I think he legit takes care of them). The kids bedding he always has kinda makes me super uncomfortable. It's one thing to have vintage stuff, I don't see the issue, but when you're buying it new, and it has tink on it. uhhhhh...

People from flickr send him stuff almost every day too. I wonder if they do it b/c they're friends with him, or they do it because he begs them to...

I do want those snoopy lights tho.


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## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Dec 1, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> I do want those snoopy lights tho.



I want that Rankin-Bass pillow case.


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## exball (Dec 3, 2013)

Foulmouth said:
			
		

> Peppy was becoming a pretty good Lolcow but then you banned him.


It's okay, he came back like a boomerang.


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## jaijai (Dec 8, 2013)

SPUC, or the Society for the Protection of Unborn Children.

A British Catholic organisation (mostly old men) who are so pro-life and homophobic that it's insane. I used to go to church with my parents and every month this bloke would come from the SPUC to lecture us about the 'rights of the child' and how a homosexual lifestyle is what threatens the state of the church. I got so angry with this guy every time. What, so some stuffy man gets to tell me what to do with my body, my baby and my life, or to say that those who have abortions have no remorse? Eff that.


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## random_pickle (Dec 8, 2013)

jaijai said:
			
		

> SPUC, or the Society for the Protection of Unborn Children.
> 
> A British Catholic organisation (mostly old men) who are so pro-life and homophobic that it's insane. I used to go to church with my parents and every month this bloke would come from the SPUC to lecture us about the 'rights of the child' and how a homosexual lifestyle is what threatens the state of the church. I got so angry with this guy every time. What, so some stuffy man gets to tell me what to do with my body, my baby and my life, or to say that those who have abortions have no remorse? Eff that.



Please tell me someone stood up to him.


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## jaijai (Dec 8, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> jaijai said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



God, I wish. They all agreed with him.

Also, the guy debating in this is from SPUC. This is seriously what they think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVoERKjk58c


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## sparklemilhouse (Dec 8, 2013)

This guy who always post in the richmond craigslist:
http://richmond.craigslist.org/m4w/4235150100.html
 Okay, too many pervs here. Allow me to do this right: - 23 (Midlothian (Greater Richmond area))



Spoiler













I'm the redhead 

Some would call me a suburban redneck. "I prefer adventurer." When I'm not Attending classes at VCU or working hard maintaining the golf course (Under the sun, surrounded by fields of green, poor me  ) You'll likely finding me hitting the trails, and seeing the Historical sites, revisiting the 'story of us' that happened right here in our own back yards. (I love being a Virginian =D ) 

Or perhaps in that moment I would be indulging my love of Italian and Greek cuisine. (And being of Celtic and German descent, it's quite the contradiction, but that's why Oktoberfest is my favorite time of year  ) My latest creation: A succulent Sicilian lemon chicken with garlic-tomato sauce served over angel hair pasta.

But that's enough about me, I'm not pretentious to talk about myself forever, so let's switch gears 

I will stress right now, because I have no problem meeting people, and am not desperate to meet someone here, there are certain things I don't tolerate. I don't want the typical. I am not a game, and I am not a bank. I'm not here to make someone else jealous for you. I am not interested in basing a relationship off the typical mindset of "What kind of car do you drive? How much money do you have? Where are you going to wine and dine me tonight?"

If that is you, then you're better off in some French cafe, sipping lattes and eating fancy pastries. You'll meet a stuck up, chain smoking bloke named Pierre who will provide for you your idea of a relationship: One based on things bought in a store. Will I pay your way? Yes. But do I know the difference between a true friend, who cares about me for who I am, and someone who is using me? Instantaneously.

BUT, if you are up for adventure, enjoy a variety of activities, like to try something new each week, and are a fan of the occasional, spontaneous luxury that you will NOT be expecting at the time, then you have come to the right place =D 

All you have to do is be yourself. You don't have to message me a formal fact sheet and Thesis on why you are the best match for me like the other 3;942 or so users here will do. I'm not your investor, after all 

Just talk, be yourself and we'll get along just fine 

I'd love to have you along for the ride. Let's take a walk Through Maymont, or hit Happy Hour at Capital Ale.

Put your favorite color in the subject so I know you're not an android.

PS: I'm 23, interested in 18-27ish. My name? Tell you later. I go by my nickname, "Rooster."


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## Springblossom (Dec 8, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> This guy who always post in the richmond craigslist:
> http://richmond.craigslist.org/m4w/4235150100.html
> Okay, too many pervs here. Allow me to do this right: - 23 (Midlothian (Greater Richmond area))



I saw 23 and Midlothian and got really worried it might be someone I know.


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## pickleniggo (Dec 9, 2013)

> PS: I'm 23, interested in 18-27ish. My name? Tell you later. I go by my nickname, "Rooster."



("cock" joke here)
Craigslist is so embarrassing to read.


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## littlebiscuits (Dec 10, 2013)

I wasn't really sure what thread to post this story in because it could fit into both Social Justice Warriors and personal lolcows. But I think since this person is a real life acquaintance, this is a more appropriate spot. I'll put the story under spoiler like I did with the Alec and B.J stories. This is a story about my former housemate, Beth. I hope you'll find her as entertaining as I did. 



Spoiler



Beth usually stayed holed up in her room for days at a time, emerging only to go to class and perform basic bodily functions. She loved video games but she never, ever played them. She just watched “let’s plays” on youtube and then made up Mary Sues to write about and draw. 
	And her Sues…she was obsessed with them. She would shoe horn them into every conversation, every school assignment, every mundane interaction you could think of. 
	“Beth I was thinking of making tacos for dinner. You okay with that?”
	“Oh my God, if my character Nova were her she would claw your face off because she loves tacos.”
	“Uhh, yeah ….so that’s a yes to tacos then?”

.                    .                                     .                        .                                       .                                                .                                         .            
                     She was a social justice warrior and took it upon herself to police each and every object in the house for possible racism.
“Oh my God, stop drinking that!” she shrieked one morning. I immediately spat out my tea, thinking she seen a bug in it, or judging by how horrified she sounded, a goddamn tentacle. 
“What! Oh my God what?!” 
“That mug is totally racist.”
“The…mug is racist?”
“It’s cultural appropriation. That mug has a Japanese design on it. Those blue symbols are kanji. And you’re white.”
“I don’t think mugs can be racist unless they are like, actively insulting a race.”
“But it’s cultural appropriation, which is racist. It’s culturally appropriating the Japanese.”
“It’s not even, though. It’s Korean. It was a Christmas present from Suuyen. It says, ‘fuck mornings’ in Korean. You were there when I got it, remember? And she gave you that poster…”
“I know, but it’s racist because you’re white.”

Also deemed racist: My cactus plant, though I never did figure out why.
                  .                              .                               .                              .                                     .                                 .

            My best friend (and roommate) Lana and I cooked dinner most nights. We had decided as a house to collectively chip in for groceries and share the food communally. It worked great for a while, until Beth suddenly stopped contributing to the grocery fund. She did not, however, abstain from spending or eating from the grocery fund. She claimed that contributing to the grocery fund was no longer her responsibility because I bought beer (she didn’t drink) with money that was supposed to be for food. This was a lie. We had a separate fund for beer and liquor for precisely that reason. 
“You guys are so sexist, I hate it.” Beth announced one night. 
Lana gave me a “This should be good” look. “And how are we sexist, Beth?”
“It’s always the women cooking in this house. Never the man.”
“Well, Joey doesn’t get home from work till after nine. So if we waited for him to cook, we’d be eating in the middle of the night. And I’m mean, he is taking 21 credits this semester and working full time. I feel like if anyone deserves a meal when they get home, it’s him. Plus he does pay.”
“So the man comes home and the women have dinner on the table waiting for him. How is that not sexist?”
“Because no one is being oppressed, Beth.”
	“If my character, Jainis were here she would kick your asses for submitting to the patriarchy.” 

Needless to say she was still perfectly content to eat the food we oppressed women had prepared for dinner, although she did through a few snide remarks about how it was a little racist for three white women to be eating curried chicken. 
	Never the less, Beth was a decent housemate, and I kind of liked living with her. For one thing, she was quite as a mouse and was very respectful of everyone’s light and sound needs.  She also discovered where our stairs the creaked most and marked the areas with electrical tape so we would stop waking or startling each other late at night. 
	We invited her to play in our World of Darkness campaign (kind of like an even creepier version of Dungeons and Dragons) because we really did want to have a friendly relationship with her. Beth was thrilled; she accepted and got right to work making a new Mary Sue for the occasion. 


	The campaign was to be held in the evening and for some reason she felt the need to spend the whole day sequestered in her room, “getting ready” muttering to herself and laughing. When the other players finally arrived with the pizza and beer, I called up to her and asked if she wanted a slice. There was no response. I figured she didn’t hear me and called louder. Still nothing. Finally I hauled my lazy ass up the stairs and knocked on her door. 
	“Beth, there’s pizza downstairs. And we’re probably going to start soon, so you should come down.”
	A strange voice answered me. “Ehhh, Wat isss dis pissa ya spek uff?”
	What the fuck? “Yeah so. Game starts at 5. See you…” 
	“Yesss gurl. I wull be dere.” 
I hurried back down the stairs, “Guys? I think Beth’s going to be a little weird tonight,” I warned them. This was met with the typical, “No, really?!” and “You don’t SAY”’s. 
	We all sat around the table waiting for her so we could start. She was definitely moving around upstairs, mumbling and crashing about. I could tell the other players were starting to lose patience and in the interest of being a good hostess, I decided to call for her once again.
	“Beth! Seriously, we’re starting!”

	“Paytense,  gurl, paytense. Dees tings cannot be rushed.” And there was Beth. Speaking in a horrible fake Caribbean accent and dressed in a long black skirt, macramé Jamaican flag bikini top and beanie with fake dreads. It was horrible, more horrible than I could ever describe. Everyone’s eyes darted from Beth to Della, another player who had grown up in Antigua, was black, and spoke with a very heavy Caribbean accent. Della, ever kind and patent, giggled nervously but said nothing. “My name is Madame le Verre. I am voodoo priestesses.”
	Lana was the first to speak up. “Hey Beth, um. It's a little cold in here? How bout putting something on over your...top.”
	“Dis is da grab of me people.” 
	I tried to politely diffuse the situation. “Yeah…see. That’s the thing, Beth. It’s not the garb of your people. And you really shouldn’t use that accent because it kind of sounds like you’re mocking Della’s real accent.” At this, Della nodded furiously and added, 
	“I don’t like that, Beth. Why don’t you speak normally?”
	“Who iss dis Beth ya spek of? I am Madame le Verre, voodoo priestess from da island of Haiti.”
	 “Beth, I can see your nipples and they’re telling me that you’re cold. Please go put a shirt on.” Joey begged.
	“You guys all suck! I'm just playing a character! God! Why even invite me if you weren't going to let me play!!" She cried. Her face was red and puffy with tears. "It's not fair! You all get to play your characters!" She ran from the table and the stairs. The whole house shook as she slammed her bedroom door.

I tired to apologize to her, tried to bring her hot coco ( her favorite), tired everything. She sobbed in her room all night. I felt like the worst human being in the world. Looking back though, I think she was just being a drama queen.


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## pickleniggo (Dec 10, 2013)

Oh littlebiscuits, I see your name pop up in personal lolcows and I know I'm in for a good read. You did not disappoint.  

Obviously this girl came around right? How awkward.


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## littlebiscuits (Dec 10, 2013)

pickleniggo said:
			
		

> Oh littlebiscuits, I see your name pop up in personal lolcows and I know I'm in for a good read. You did not disappoint.
> 
> Obviously this girl came around right? How awkward.



 

Oh no, she got much worse. Much, much worse. I have so many stories about her, it's not even funny. I'll have to post more.


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## Dork Of Ages (Dec 10, 2013)

I like how hypocrite she sounds when she says it's cultural appropiation over the Korean tea cup, but then she actually causes cultural appropiation with that Madame le Verre costume and accent Mary Sue shit. Especially in front of someone from the Caribbean.

She moved out, right? Do you still have contact with her?


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## littlebiscuits (Dec 10, 2013)

Dork Of Ages said:
			
		

> I like how hypocrite she sounds when she says it's cultural appropiation over the Korean tea cup, but then she actually causes cultural appropiation with that Madame le Verre costume and accent Mary Sue shit. Especially in front of someone from the Caribbean.
> 
> She moved out, right? Do you still have contact with her?



I lived with her for a full year, actually. Again, I actually did like living with her, I have to say. She was very respectful of other peoples needs and space and I appreciate that, and always tried to show her the same respect. 

We sort of fell out of contact. Sometimes one of her crazy SJW posts will pop up on my tumblr and I think, "Oh Beth. What would Madame le Verre think?"


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## Dork Of Ages (Dec 10, 2013)

I suppose she was alright, based on what you say. Not sure if I could tolerate her SJW and Mary Sue moments, though.


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## c-no (Dec 10, 2013)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> Dork Of Ages said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Any other story about your former housemate to post tonight? Rather interested to read more about her personal lol-cow antics.


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## Bugaboo (Dec 10, 2013)

My personal lolcow works at a KFC with my brother's girlfriend so he has some wacky stories to tell about that kid.
Like he was bagging the food which isn't particularly difficult and he just screams "MY STRESS LEVEL IS UP TO HERE" right the fuck out of no where and then it became a running joke in his work place.


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## littlebiscuits (Dec 10, 2013)

c-no said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
Oh, I'll post some more tomorrow. I've got some really funny ones and one that's a little scary, but still an interesting read.


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## Dudeofteenage (Dec 10, 2013)

My personal lolcow is the guy who writes the www.kiwipolitico.com blog.

He's an expat American academic living in NZ with rage issues.  He's extremely arrogant and tends to flip out if you correct minor mistakes in his blog posts, e.g. his calling the Falkland islands an 'atoll' or calling the head of New Zealand's NSA the 'Director General'.  He got fired from a local university for insulting a student and is still burned up about it six years later.


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## Phil Ken Sebben (Dec 11, 2013)

I've got one that I found on that bastion of spergy goodness: Fimfiction.net. It's a long story how I wound up there, suffice it to say I heard of a terrible Mary Sue story that is no longer there and it piqued my interest. 

He's very much like Chris in just about every sense of the word. He's 25, still living at home, a pathetic virgin, seems to have Aspergers, has never had a job and loves ponies. Considering that he's on a pony fiction site that stands to reason but I mean he _loves_ them. Seriously. He would like nothing better than to have sex with a pony. Or a dog. I've been trolling this guy for maybe a year now under several names and accounts. At some point I actually started to feel sorry for him and tried to give him actual advice to turn his life around but like our dear Mr. Chandler he's always got excuses as to why he can't do stuff.


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## fuzzypickles (Dec 12, 2013)

I once had homeroom a guy back in high school who was OBSESSED with hentai and Yu-Gi-Oh and other things like that. I never hung out with him, but I did hear stories about the guy, such as that he'd throw fits over losing Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon card games and that he'd show his hentai collection to random people so that he'd think he was cool or something. And he'd think real girls would be turned on by the hentai crap. He moved away after just one year, missed by nobody.


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## sparklemilhouse (Dec 12, 2013)

i was looking at vintage backpacks on ebay, and I just remembered this lolcow from middle and high school days, Sean Hubbard. Something was UP with that kid. I think he was a smart kid, but he was just so awkward, tall, and loud, and gangly, and his teeth were all gum. He'd try to act cool on the bus, and try to converse with the other kids, but it was just this loud nonsense that would come out his mouth. 

Other kids: Did you see the mtv awards last night??
Sean: THE PRODIGY GUY SPIT ON THE STAGE! 

Also, one time he was eating a pomegranate on the bus, (this was before they were popular), and he was like, "DOES ANYBODY WANT ANY POMEGRANATE??"

He also had this GIANT camping backpack, but for school. It was this one:







One time he threw it on the bus seat, and it nearly hit this girl, and she pitched a beautiful bitch fit about it. 

Sean's probably a fucking engineer now.


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## littlebiscuits (Dec 14, 2013)

As promised, Beth Part 2. 
Note: In retrospect, this story is more about her parents. But I think it explains a lot about why Beth is the way she is. 



Spoiler



The house we shared was beautiful, 3 bedrooms, 2.1 baths. Yes, 2.1 bathrooms. Not 2.5. You see, the house this bizarre little feature, a room just off of the kitchen we affectionately called, “Toilet room.” 

	“Toilet Room” was really all that could be said for it. It was literally just a room with a toilet. There was no sink, no tub, no mirror. Just a bare light bulb, a glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary light switch, and a toilet.  The previous owners of the house (themselves a story for another time) had also replaced the original seat with a novelty pornographic seat. I thought it was hilarious, but then again I have the maturity of a developmentally delayed five year old. Beth was offended by Toilet Room’s crude attempt at humor and refused to use it. Not that she, ah, could. You see, Toilet Room didn’t exactly allow for ample leg room. I was the shortest and skinniest person in the house and even I had to tuck my legs bellow the bowl in order to comfortably fit. Beth was not exactly the slenderest person in the world, and fitting her into Toilet Room was out of the question. 


	Our first week in the house was amazing. The weather was warm and beautiful, classes hadn’t started, and we had a badass house to party in. I was worried Beth wouldn’t like living with other people- she was so shy after all- but since she had her own room, she assured me she was fine with it. 
I should have known something was up when her parents came to visit on the very first weekend. At the time I rationalized that perhaps Beth needed help unpacking or had forgotten something from home. But when they showed up again the second weekend, and again on the third, I began to get worried. 
There visits when something like this. Beth’s mother and father would arrive at around 7 am and block my car into the driveway. This happened everything single time they visited, despite there being an abundance of available parking around back. And if I decided to park in the back to avoid being trapped, I swear they would get out and move their car to punish me for my forethought. 


Beth’s mother would do her daughter’s laundry while Beth sat on the computer and watched “Let’s plays”. Beth’s father would be in the bathroom. You see, as soon as her parents walked over the threshold the father would break out the newspaper and head for the bathroom, where he would remain for the duration of the visit. I once ventured to ask, “Is everything alright with your Dad, like, internally?” And she just laughed and said he was always like that. Really, I couldn’t blame Beth for how she turned out. A father is an important figure in a young girl’s life, and hers did all his parenting from the shitter. 
In a house with 2.1 bathrooms, you wouldn’t really think having to sacrifice one would really be so much of a problem. But it was a problem. A big problem. 
I am the soundest sleeper I’ve ever met. I can sleep through anything, alarms, TV’s, fires...anything. When I sleep, it’s basically like I die. It takes an act of God to wake me. Which is why when a strange grunting noise emanating from the bathroom roused me from my bed early one morning, I was a tad disturbed. I shared the master suite with Lana, so we had our own private bathroom. Beth and Joey had their own single rooms and shared the bathroom in the hallway. They never used our bathroom, so I assumed that it was Lana who was grunting from the bathroom. That is, until I felt her poke me.

“Hey, sleepy. You got to wake up. A thing happened.”

“ Don’t wanna.”

“Beth’s Dad flooded the hall bathroom and now water is pouring through the ceiling and now he’s taking a dump in our bathroom.”

“It’s seven a.m. Why is this happening?” I whined as Lana physically pulled me from the bed. 

The kitchen was a disaster. Water was pouring down onto the kitchen table, spilling onto everything. Lana’s computer had been hit, her backpack, my homework, Joey’s clean laundry. I rounded up pots and pans to catch the water while Lana went next door to ask our neighbors for more paper towels. Lana and I were trying to mop the floor with bath towels, but it felt like we were just making a bigger mess. 

	All the while, Beth and her mother glared at us from the living room couch. Beth’s mother was inexplicably furious with us. “You girls shouldn’t leave so much stuff around! You girls are lazy! You have to pick up after yourselves! This is what I have to deal with whenever I come over here, you girls and your laziness! What kind of a girl just leaves her computer downstairs where anything could happen to it?  If you had put it away before you went to bed, this wouldn’t have happened.” 
	My brain couldn’t process so much anger and chaos so suddenly after waking up.  I think I actually ended up apologizing to Beth and her mother, though for what I still don’t know. They sat completely immobile while Lana and I zipped around the kitchen doing damage control as fast as we could. 

	Suddenly, Joey burst in through the front door. I hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t home.  “I’m sick. I’m sick, I’m so sick, something has gone wrong. Oh God what the fuck is happening in here?”
	“The toilet broke.” Lana announced. 
He swore and started bounding up the stairs. “Then I have to use yours.”
	“Beth’s dad is in there.”

	“GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. EVERYONE CLEAR OUT. I’M ABOUT TO DO BAD THINGS TO TOILET ROOM.” 
I could hear Joey suffering. Being a large man, he could not even begin to close Toilet Room’s door, or even sit properly on the pot. He was forced to kind of, side-saddle it, while staring into the decimation of the kitchen. Joey later told me that he had eaten 6 cups of activia, not realizing that they had a laxative effect and was now experiencing the vengeful wrath of “Bifitus Regularus”. 

Lana and I fled for the living room where Beth and her mother were now watching T.V. 
“I hope girls don’t think you’re done in there.” Beth’s mother sneered. 
“You have to call a plumber. I’m out of minutes on my phone so I can’t do it.” Beth added helpfully. 

“Of course not! You’ve done so much already. You just sit there while Lana and I take care of everything.” I said, now in full bitch mode.  

“Well I have homework. I don’t have time to deal with this! And it’s not my fault I don’t have minutes! It’s your fault! You used my phone the other day to call yours when you lost yours. This is your entire fault!” We should have beaten her. It was clearly the right thing to do. Instead I stopped bitching and called the plumber like a goddamn adult. And later that night I and got fall down drunk while playing Pokémon. Like a goddamn adult.


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## Himawari (Dec 14, 2013)

I literally just whisper-yell-cheered "littlebiscuits posted!!!" when I looked at this thread.

(It wasn't a full-volume yell-cheer because it's finals week and thus perpetually quiet hour.)


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## Foulmouth (Dec 14, 2013)

Littlebiscuits wins best personal lolcow award.


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## Hornets (Dec 14, 2013)

My personal lolcow is a guy named Daftworld. 
He's this French dude who's fucking obsessed with Daft Punk. And I mean, obsessed to the point where he posted Thomas Bangalter's home address in LA. 
If you know anything about Daft Punk, they're the guys who dress up as robots. They do this to protect their own identities and to separate their personal lives from their music. Mind that Thomas and Guy are both in their late thirties and have families of their own. 
Daftworld denies them every single right to privacy. This includes taking pictures of their kids, posting one of Thomas's kid's videos for a school project on his Youtube channel. He also met Guy-manuel and kissed him on the cheek and nearly strangled him with a scarf. 
He gets really mad when people call him out on his shit, and I mean like on his Facebook he has an entire album dedicated to making fun of people who have made fun of him. Like dude you're stalking to people who are very secretive. What's wrong with you?
Oh he also doesn't source art when he posts it on his Facebook. Huge pet peeve of mine.

Edit: Just as a bit of a note, I consider him a lolcow because of his obsession with Daft Punk and his inability to take criticism or realize what he's doing wrong. This guy has a family - a wife, and like 2 kids. Apparently he works at McDonalds and spends his paycheck on Daft Punk merchandise. He's a strange, strange man.


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## c-no (Dec 14, 2013)

Hornets said:
			
		

> My personal lolcow is a guy named Daftworld.
> He's this French dude who's fucking obsessed with Daft Punk. And I mean, obsessed to the point where he posted Thomas Bangalter's home address in LA.
> If you know anything about Daft Punk, they're the guys who dress up as robots. They do this to protect their own identities and to separate their personal lives from their music. Mind that Thomas and Guy are both in their late thirties and have families of their own.
> Daftworld denies them every single right to privacy. This includes taking pictures of their kids, posting one of Thomas's kid's videos for a school project on his Youtube channel. He also met Guy-manuel and kissed him on the cheek and nearly strangled him with a scarf.
> ...


Having read that, I though he would be some teenager or college student until I read the edit part. Having a family and spending the paycheck on Daft Punk merchandise, isn't that nice?


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## AtroposHeart (Dec 14, 2013)

What was his wife like? How can anyone put up with their spouse spending their money on crap and not on grocery and bills when you got kids?


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## Dork Of Ages (Dec 14, 2013)

Jesus Christ, that's one damn of a deranged person.


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## Hornets (Dec 14, 2013)

AtroposHeart said:
			
		

> What was his wife like? How can anyone put up with their spouse spending their money on crap and not on grocery and bills when you got kids?



Honestly, I'm not sure how she puts up with it. He has videos of him opening merchandise he's gotten in the mail and his children help him and stuff. His children are really young looking too.  There's also a video of him and his wife doing some karaoke thing and they seem to be happy together (which, in my opinion, seems impossible).


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## sparklemilhouse (Dec 14, 2013)

I looked him up on google images. His face even exudes "loser".


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## Hornets (Dec 14, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> I looked him up on google images. His face even exudes "loser".



He's a huge loser. There's also pictures of him with other French music artists, such as Justice. 
Oh and btw he lives right near where Daft Punk both live in France. It's sad, really. 
There's an in-joke with the Daft Punk fandom that whenever they see him, they just roll their eyes and say "Oh, it's THAT guy again."


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## darkhorse816 (Dec 16, 2013)

So, this is the story of Tweedleweeb and Tweedleboo.



Spoiler



I've stated before I love Super Sentai. And I have a fanfiction account where once in a while I'll post fanfics.

In December 2012, the series Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger was almost over. It also brought really bad writers to fanfiction.net.

These writers were total weebs and were newbies to the sentai world--they were crossovers from Power Rangers, the neo-Saban era (they think Power Rangers Samurai is a work of art, it's not, it's a pile of shit with corn in it): gratuitous Japanese in their fics (romanji, actually) and reviews, and no understanding of Japanese. I'll include Japanese in my sentai fics but only based off of the situation, or if I can't find a good English substitute for the word.

They clearly watched sentai with blinders on. Before then, the gokaiger fics weren't really ship-heavy. And then all of the sudden, there were a shitload of MarvelousxAhim (GokaiRed, Captain Marvelous, and GokaiPink, Ahim who is a princess. Pirate/princess cliche BLECH!). 

I better give you some background info:

In episode 41, Ahim goes ballistic and tries to fight the Monster of the Week, who destroyed her homeplanet. And you find out why she joined the crew, and why they keep her, because she has this really peaceful aura. At the end of the episode, it's revealed that Marvelous didn't want to lose her, and everyone assumed that it was because he loved Ahim. It's because she was an important part of the crew. Usually the dilemmas the Gokaigers encounter affect the whole crew, they are like a family, and they all need each other. A lot of these shippers ignored the fact that early on in the series, and even towards the end, the only real romance the writers hinted at was Joe (Gokai Blue, the first mate, who has a legitimately angsty history) and Ahim. Usually when Joe is undergoing a crisis, Ahim is right there. And they seem to spend a lot of time together, whenever the crew splits up. At the end of episode 4, Ahim even licks frosting off of Joe's nose, causing Joe to blush.

Then there's what they do to Luka. Luka is Gokai Yellow: she's tomboyish, yet sultry, strong, very naughty, greedy, a total klepto, who used to be a street urchin, her little sister died while she was carrying her on piggy-back to the hospital, was picked up by Marvelous and Joe, and is now the crew's lookout. She's the third-strongest fighter even. Basically, she's one of the first ever anti-heroines on a sentai team--all she wants is treasure, supposedly. People in this little clique like to pair her with Don or Hakase/Doc, as the crew calls him. Don is GokaiGreen who was pretty much kidnapped to be their techie/cook/maid. He's cowardly, a spazoid, a dork, and did I mention cowardly? Yellows fall victim to being paired with the second-best by the fans (fans automatically will pair red with pink). So people in this group paired Luka with Don. Why? Because, Luka hits Don. And if someone hits you, that means they love you. The reason Luka really hits Don is because he annoys the fuck out of her. He constantly hides behind her when he's scared, shake her, and touch her, and if not, he'll hide behind Joe or Marvelous. Luka's the only one with the gall to call him out. Which is funny, not romantic. Luka never blushes or anything towards him or vice versa. There's an episode where they switch bodies, and what does Luka do, give him a makeover and flirt with girls in his body. She tried to help him get dates. People think it's shippy, but you wouldn't be trying to get someone laid by someone else if you were oh so in love with him. Also, they are the members of the crew who are the biggest polar opposites, and it would be funny to see their bodies swapped. But OHEMGEE, it's so KAWAII!!!! The reason why I don't like this ship is because it would be hellish if they got together. Luka wants adventure, Don doesn't. Luka constantly breaks the law, Don is one of the good Gokaigers. I know opposites attract, but two people with entirely different lifegoals would never work out.

So December was when episode 41 came out, and that was when the bad lemming writers came pouring in. The ringleaders were two girls, TweedleWeeb and TweedleBoo. They were twins (scary!) supposedly fifteen-and-a-half years old (they act and write like they are nine), believe they can speak Japanese (they can't), and purged a shitload of MarvexAhim fics, and LukaxDon fics every fucking day.

Now, I'm a MarvelousxLuka, and JoexAhim shipper. Now Marvelous and Luka, why? Because, they are both strong, dominant members, they both want adventure, they both love treasure, both love fighting, both are mischievous, when Marvelous first saw Luka, who was stealing energy crystals, was dirty, with messy hair, wearing a dress made out of a feedsack, he said she was cute (Marvelous has never called Ahim cute, and when Marvelous is thinking something, he'll say it). As well, Marvelous and Luka got a whole episode together (same with Joe and Ahim). And even aesthetically. All of the Gokaigers wear a different type of necklace. Marvelous has a lock on his necklace. Luka has a key on her necklace. They want the same goals in life, and they both seem tailor-made to be pirates. So I decided, hey, why not write a fic with them together because these shippers were making Marvelous and Ahim look canon (it's not, it's non-canon). It was a one-shot called Marvelous and Luka make dinner because this pairing was just as viable as Marvelous and Ahim, and isn't canon either, but has evidence and deserves as much respect or acknowledgement as other pairings. I worked on it on and off, and had a great time writing it, and made sure not to make it slathering in ship, until I finally put it up. I initially get a bunch of nice reviews, until TweedleWeeb (the main antagonist throughout all of this) put up her review: 

"No we DON'T need ANY MarvelousXLuka stories! Ewwww... GROSS! MarvelousXAhim
FOREVER! DocXLuka FOREVER!"

I'd like to mention, by the way, that I was 21, and in my senior year of undergrad. And I was definitely upset. Mainly because of the lack of respect. So I sent her a PM:

"This was a review section for my fanfic. I'd appreciate reviews, not someone shouting how they don't like my ship. I don't like Marvelous and Ahim and I don't like Doc and Luka either, so you don't see me writing on your review page "OMGOMG MARVEXLUKA FOREVAH!" And I don't read fics with ships I don't like, either. There have been a severe lack of Marvelous and Luka fics, and they are a viable couple with just as much "evidence" as Marvelous and Ahim, and deserve as much respect and coverage.

I'm not trying to sound rude, but if you don't like a ship, don't flame.

Thank you!"

And then, I get a PM back.

"Um no they have NO EVIDENCE what's so ever! He shows NO CAMPASTION OR feelings
toward her. I read your profile. You just ship redXyellow unless there is good
evidence. Weird! You like TakeruXKotoha (blah! No chemistry WHATSOEVER!)
TakeruXMako lots of chemistry! ChakkiXKotoha PERFECT CHEMISTRY! PERFECT FOR
ONE ANOTHER!  just HATE it when people pair people whom have NO CHEMISTRY!
MarvelousXAhim have that, he shows feelings for her. DocXLuka have that, they
show feelings of one another. And it is EVEN WORSE for Power Rangers people!
JaydenXEmily?! Ah, no way would THAT EVER happen! MikeXEmily!!! So happing!
And very few people like this couple! On who likes it is my sister! Gahhhh!
Bugs me SO MUCH! anywho... Yah. So no evidence... No couple!"

And then a few minutes later, I get another PM from her.

"Ok, I... Am sorry. I mean, we all like different couples, right? Well, not
EVRYONE is going to like the same couple as me or you. So I apologize I
shouldnt have written that. I agrees with a few of your couples. it just makes
me mad sometimes that people like couples that don't have chemistry or like
eachother. So, again I would like to apologize. I am truly sorry. Forgive me?
Please...? Anyway, I gotta go. I'm kinda tierd. Long day and it is 11:07 here.
Night!"

Yeah. That's not even a good apology. Does she even know what "chemistry" is? It's such a loaded word. The damage was done. I never responded to her.

Here is another comment that she made on someone else's fic:

"I like this VERY MUCH! Demo... where are Eri and Ahim-san? Another thing... why do you pair AlataXKotoha, MarvelousXLuka, JoeXAhim? I mean... AlataXKotoha, COME ON? Like that would ever happen. I think he has feelings for Eri. Don't get me wrong, AlataXKotoha are a cute couple demo, I just don't EVER see it happening as i know it never will. And... MarvelousXLuka, they have no chemistry. JoeXAhim have a little demo, I think of it more as a father daughter/deal going on, thats only sometimes, though. Other times they are an adorable couple. MarvelousXAhim have perfect chemistry and he shows feelings for her. Another quick thing, it gets kinda hard to understand what is going on in the story when you have all of those Japanesse words in it. Japanesse is an AWESOME languige don't get me wrong! Demo... there is too much for an English story. Demo, even with that this story seems to be... AMAZING! I love it and hope for it to have more updates soon! So... update, Update, UPDATE! 3

P.S. I hope you take NONE of what I said offensively, I was just wondering on the couples and trying to help wih the Japanesse. So please don't get upset or something." 

Fucking hypocrite.

She got herself and her group into all sorts of shenanigans. Like one member of her clique (who was nice to me, and eventually left when Tweedleweeb and Tweedleboo played a mean prank on her). Someone (and I think it might be one of the twins) started a few facebook pages, and touted them as official facebook pages for the actors playing Marvelous and Ahim. And in those pages, they both spoke English. All of a sudden they announced they were engaged. Okay. First off, Marvelous's actor and Luka's actor were rumored to be a couple by a Japanese tabloid. Secondly, I doubt any of these Japanese actors speak fluent English. Usually when the American fandom finds out a sentai actor speaks English or is American, we think it's kind of cool and it becomes noted. Thirdly, they don't use facebook, and they would have announced on their websites that they are engaged. And fourthly, they are in their early 20s. There is an image of youthfulness that they have to uphold. So the nice fangirl believed it was true, and posted a note at the end of one of her MarvexAhim fics saying "take that Joe and Ahim shippers". She made a mistake. And people commented on it, saying that what she said was mean, and that it's not true. And she apologized. But guess who were throwing tantrums, insisting that this rumor was true: Tweedleweeb and Tweedleboo.

Once Tweedleboo wrote a fanfic entirely in romanji. And I commented that it's frustrating for readers who don't speak Japanese, and I followed it by saying, in Japanese "日本語を話しますか” based off of my assumption that she didn't know Japanese at all (and this is coming from someone who only knows a little bit of Japanese, but can read hiragana, katakana, and some kanji). Some other reviewers offered suggestions. And tweedleboo PMs me, and some of the other reviewers, calling me a bitch. That was the last I heard of her, except for a positive review she gave one of my fics, in an attempt to apologize and maybe separate herself from her sister. 

Now they are both Koreaboos, and focused more on Power Rangers Megaforce. They did ignite a shipping riot when Tweedleweeb freaked out that someone made a video shipping the Red Ranger and the Yellow Ranger. How dare they? They were a lot of fun to observe, to see what kind of shenanigans they got into. I seriously wonder what they are like in real life. Remember, there are two of them.


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## mlwalsh (Dec 16, 2013)

Gonterman, CWC, Issei Mataloun, Adam Chris Leigh, and Tom Dyron.


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## Varis (Dec 17, 2013)

I am my own lolcow.


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## Luna (Dec 17, 2013)

mlwalsh said:
			
		

> Gonterman, CWC, Issei Mataloun, Adam Chris Leigh, and Tom Dyron.


I feel cheated that Gonterman and CWC never did a crossover.


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## Indigo (Dec 18, 2013)

Chanbob said:
			
		

> Right.  I've been lurking here and reading some pretty hilarious stories (Little Biscuits, we need more from you!), and I think it's time to share my personal lolcow.
> 
> To protect her identity (but hellfire I would LOVE to name and shame), I will refer to her as Batty, as she is genuinely batshit insane.  I live in a shared house with my partner, a really nice quiet guy who mostly keeps to himself, and Batty.  I've lived here for almost two years now, and I've been trying my utmost to get the hell out of here with the mister for the last one, but finance always prevents us as we are only really just scraping by right now.
> 
> ...



Wow, this is like Chris II Electric Boogaloo, or perhaps Rule 63 Chris. :I


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## House Of Reeves (Dec 23, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> i was looking at vintage backpacks on ebay, and I just remembered this lolcow from middle and high school days, Sean Hubbard. Something was UP with that kid. I think he was a smart kid, but he was just so awkward, tall, and loud, and gangly, and his teeth were all gum. He'd try to act cool on the bus, and try to converse with the other kids, but it was just this loud nonsense that would come out his mouth.
> 
> Other kids: Did you see the mtv awards last night??
> Sean: THE PRODIGY GUY SPIT ON THE STAGE!
> ...



Honestly, that guy sounds friggin' awesome. Offering people pomegranate and shit.


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## Picklepower (Dec 23, 2013)

There is an anime fangirl I am friends with, and her  brother cosplayed as Mr. Popo, with paint and everything. And yes he is white.



			
				tobacky_vapor said:
			
		

> Null said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This video is like one of those fake music videos you would see in a movie, like in a comedy, if they are spoofing pop music. Or in some skit on SNL.


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## FatNero (Dec 29, 2013)

I've got a guy I've been slowly cultivating for a while, not sure if he's material for a widespread cow or just someone I poke with a stick for fun.

He's a christard apologist named Kirk Hastings. Used to be part of a radioshow but it got thrown off the station. He writes "books" freaks out when he gets negative reviews, everything from threatening legal action to threats of violence. His reaction to some mild trolling has been interesting because he can't come up with original ideas, so he tries to mirror anyone who makes fun of them with his own idea of trolling... which consists of misunderstood memes.

His book: http://www.amazon.com/What-Is-Truth-Sep ... 1608362981
His more traditional crap: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freedom- ... 7305239016
His attempt at trolling: https://www.facebook.com/Atheistsshouldnotreproduce


He also writes 50's Superman fan fiction that's really really detailed on Superman's physique. He even tried to write his own Superman ripoff book. Oh and if you even mention that he's using a vanity publisher and hasn't really had his books published, he freaks the hell out, usually dropping 30 or so posts in an hour and then ending it by telling everyone that they need to get a life. 

His fan fiction: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1348507/Kirk-Hastings


He's been fun for me and a few others.


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## random_pickle (Dec 29, 2013)

I found a review of his book that thinks it is a parody:



> Not since "The Management Secrets of T. John Dick" have we seen such a tale of incompetence and stupidity told from the viewpoint of the moron. The masterful parody penned by Kirk Hastings puts Stephen Colbert to shame as he plays the rube, making one catastrophic error after another.
> 
> The book is a careful and meticulous catalog of bad data and logical fallacies. I'd initially considered writing a "spot the logical fallacy" drinking game to go with the book, but decided against it, as most mere mortals would be suffering from alcohol poisoning before long.
> 
> ...


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## FatNero (Dec 29, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> I found a review of his book that thinks it is a parody:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Most of the people who he thinks are his target audience seem to think he's a parody.


He isn't. And it frustrates the hell out of him. Which is great.


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## House Of Reeves (Dec 30, 2013)

I'm actually disappointed I don't have more personal Lolcows. I got almost all the IRL ones out in my last post, and I don't have any notables ones I follow online. Ones I follow online are usually OC role-players, DeviantArt drama queens, etc.


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## Varis (Dec 30, 2013)

random_pickle said:
			
		

> I found a review of his book that thinks it is a parody:


I think the reviewer was making fun of the book and its author.


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 1, 2014)

A few years ago, I was a part of a guild in Gaia Online. We all met on the Twilight forum and we banded together because we thought it and its fanbase was full of lulz.

There was a girl who went by Strix Evelyn and she was obsessed with Despicable Me, namely Gru. She made her own fancharacter, who was this totes evil villainess-except-not who was a total bitch to everyone, turning people to stone for so much as trying to help her. Said fancharacter spent 2/3 of the fic "grinning evilly" and bragging about her mechanical wings every time she used them.

This girl refused any criticism. She'd only take asspats. She'd throw a fit and outright remove whole threads if she got one negative comment. Arrogant as fuck, too, and completely disrespectful.

She also wrote a fanfic that was over 100 chapters long. ...and she went on to create another self-insert for a Tangled fancomic that was never finished. I think there was only one page of that. However, she also wrote smut that she willingly sent to people, even unasked. ...ugh...


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## Right Back Man (Jan 1, 2014)

This guy I found deep in this forum: http://www.youtube.com/user/Clog700?feature=watch

Gallery of wonder: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HD0fZdl6sY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx5KYWmyBE0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I0lqPoNMB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBVrWilOx-8


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## Enjoy your spaghetti (Jan 1, 2014)

I'm watching an _Extreme Cheapskates_ marathon right now, and I am alternately laughing and shuddering at what these people are doing to save money. And most of them are at least financially comfortable--all of them can at least afford to buy a roll of toilet paper and use electricity. One guy even wants to book a strip club during the day time for his daughter's 16th birthday. 

I also have a Facebook friend that is pitching a bitch about only being able to buy "twisty lightbulbs" now. He also posted a rant about how he's glad he is as a New Yorker that Bloomberg is no longer the mayor because he supported the GROUND ZERO MOSQUE!!!1!!!ELEVEN! New Yorker? O RLY?...

...He's from Niagara Falls. And Park51 is basically a Muslim YMCA. He only posts Mad Libs buzz words and exclamation points when I post replies. So far, I'm only posting cat pictures as a response until he can learn coherence.


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 1, 2014)

Ja'mie said:
			
		

> I'm watching an _Extreme Cheapskates_ marathon right now, and I am alternately laughing and shuddering at what these people are doing to save money. And most of them are at least financially comfortable--all of them can at least afford to buy a roll of toilet paper and use electricity. One guy even wants to book a strip club during the day time for his daughter's 16th birthday.



I haven't seen much of that show, but I do recall seeing the one about the woman who still uses cloth squares as toilet paper and makes a salad out of what she picks from the park. And buys food from the Salvation Army. (I think that's what it was? Either way, walking in with those expensive-looking clothes and getting food meant for the less fortunate?)


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## Enjoy your spaghetti (Jan 1, 2014)

caffeinated_wench said:
			
		

> Ja'mie said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Cloth toilet paper lady is on right now


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## FatNero (Jan 1, 2014)

Ja'mie said:
			
		

> caffeinated_wench said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Cloth? And she calls herself a cheapskate? What's wrong with a finger?


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## Meowzers (Jan 2, 2014)

i follow some weirdos on tumblr. i'm a big fan of the tumblr otherkin/multiple community and fat femmes. i'm a fat lesbian feminist myself and i am all for body positivity but these people can be really gross and embarrassing. they use the term 'deathfat' thats specifically for the morbidly obese and they embrace it as a cute subversive label because they think that being obese isn't inherently unhealthy and are making fun of the doctors that say that morbid obesity means a higher chance of death

multiples/otherkin are just funny. my favorite is x-trung, but they might be a troll.
there was a big stink among tumblrkin because they were arguing over whether physically shifting into their ~true form~ was possible and whether it was bad to be sharing that information as a fact rather than a possibility. claimed it might be damaging to young people coming to terms with their otherkinness because they'd think it really is possible to physically turn into a wolf or dragon

as for personal lolcows....i dunno, i have this girl on my facebook that i knew from high school that doesnt do anything remarkable but the shallow petty schoolyard bully part of me thinks she's fascinating. in high school she was sociable enough, if a bit dim, but we've been out of high school for five years now and i can tell she never leaves the house. she tries so hard to put up a facade that she has a social life. she posts like 50 pictures every day of her tossing up a peace sign in the bathroom mirror. if she isn't making posts like 'just being myself(:#nerdgirl" or "i love #countryboyss(:" and switching between hating men/wanting a boyfriend (she's never kissed or dated anyone as far as i know, and had an obviously fake facebook boyfriend for a while) she likes to mention that her dad is dead and she tried to kill herself in high school. i don't think she really has any friends and i feel bad for her but at the same time she's trying so hard to be something she's not and i want to see how her life pans out. i am a petty high school drama queen, but i hope her life gets better.

in my first year of college i helped out with the local play and there was a guy in the play that made me think of chris to a frightening degree. big, chubby, mousy guy with a dopey face who wore high waters and goodwill shirts. he denied it, but it was really obvious he was autistic. it was really weird to me that he was into acting and musical theater because those are pretty gay hobbies, but apparently he was a raging homophobe and was disgusted even by lesbians. his singing was very good, but when he acted he always over-acted and yelled out all his lines. he had this nasally whiny voice but had this ridiculous operatic tenor singing voice. he smelled like shit every day and i heard that he couldn't keep a roommate because he just never showered and would lash out at his 'jock' roommates. he would mope about how all of his graduating class was married and had kids but he had never even had a girlfriend, and he was very depressed because of it. the best quote i've heard from him was "my last roommate, he was a very nice man, despite being black." he transferred to a different school after my first semester to get a theater degree and i regret not getting to know him better.


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## Enjoy your spaghetti (Jan 2, 2014)

FatNero said:
			
		

> Ja'mie said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



She's probably using her digits elsewhere to further save money.


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## Segue (Jan 2, 2014)

Half the people in my homeroom classroom. They have aspergers syndrome and they're so funny to laugh at. I would feel bad for laughing at them but they happen to be huge pricks as well, and not just the autistic kind of assholes.


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## House Of Reeves (Jan 2, 2014)

Another group that I always get a good laugh out of: Conspiracy theorists. Alex Jones, David Icke, etc. Read anything they publish or say. It's hysterical. And to go ever deeper, go to Alex Jones' Facebook page and look at all the comments. These people would believe the sky is orange and pickles are NWO shills if he told them so.


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## Surtur (Jan 2, 2014)

PhysicianPhallus said:
			
		

> Another group that I always get a good laugh out of: Conspiracy theorists. Alex Jones, David Icke, etc. Read anything they publish or say. It's hysterical. And to go ever deeper, go to Alex Jones' Facebook page and look at all the comments. These people would believe the sky is orange and pickles are NWO shills if he told them so.



I think we do have a thread about that actually.


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## Arkangel (Jan 2, 2014)

PhysicianPhallus said:
			
		

> Another group that I always get a good laugh out of: Conspiracy theorists. Alex Jones, David Icke, etc. Read anything they publish or say. It's hysterical. And to go ever deeper, go to Alex Jones' Facebook page and look at all the comments. These people would believe the sky is orange and pickles are NWO shills if he told them so.



The great thing about a lot of these people like this is that you can never prove them wrong on anything. Even if you provide incontrovertible, verifiable accurate information to disprove whatever they claim, then it gets ignored and you get labeled as part of the said conspiracy. It's an endless cycle of denial and self-reenforcing delusion.


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## Marionette (Jan 2, 2014)

My mother's side of the family are some of the most pathetic people I have the unfortunate to know. My mother and I joke that we could make huge bank selling their stories to Dr. Phil or Maury.



Spoiler



So my mother is the oldest child of three brothers, Uncle James, Uncle Mike and Uncle Dan. They grew up in the ghetto part of town (or as ghetto as you can get in Salt Lake City). All were raised Mormon.

To put into perspective of how bad this side of my family is, my mom is the only one with a college degree and I'm the third grandchild to complete highschool despite being the third youngest grandkid.

Uncle James is a recently "reborn" Mormon. He went on a mission and as you can imagine had a terrible experience. Why he's recently religious again no one knows but he'll force it into conversation. When asking how he's been he'll go into a mini monologue about how he's living each day proving himself as a man of faith and thanking the lord for each sunrise. He married this hambeast of a woman named Patti and had two girls Mia and Crystal. Both Mia and Crystal are party girls and both got knocked up before 16. Mia HAS actually married the father of one of her kids. Crystal has two kids each with different parents, one of whom is in prison and is now pregnant with a third from another man she is not in a relationship with. Patti, Mia and Crystal are downright evil. They actively scheme against my grandfather and Uncle James. All of them have shoplifted, Patti goes around claiming whatever new illness suits her and declares herself a cancer survivor when she's never had it. Mia has stolen my grandparent's credit cards on more than one occasion and both her and Crystal also caused a shitstorm when they called the police saying my grandpa raped them throughout their lives. The cesspool of a trailer ALL of them, Uncle James, Mia's husband and all their kids live in is actually in my grandfather's name. As is their car. None of them have any long term goals or jobs instead wanting quick rich ideas. I'm currently a film student and Crystal is always harping on me to give her kids roles in projects I do. They're so bad they'll even turn on each other. Recently Crystal and Patti took custody of one of Mia's girls in order to get possession of the car they have. Because my mother is a lawyer, Mia came crying to her for advice. 

Now my Grandmother passed on in October and my grandfather lives not by himself but with my Uncle Mike and Dan. My Uncle Dan actually has a legit reason. He married an extremely religious woman and had four kids with her. He used to work for the railroad and injured his back on the job which required surgery. He didn't get as much money from his employers as he thought and became unable to work and reliant on pain medication. At some point he attempted suicide and my aunt being the insane Mormon she divorced him for such an act of sin and turned three of her kids against him. The other kid came out gay and you can imagine how much that riled up my aunt. He's since disconnected from our family (with good reason) and moved to California with his partner. My Uncle Dan is actually the only other person besides my mother with an actual brain. Although he's unemployed he makes his own payment on his car and is currently looking for a job even though he's recently been diagnosed with colon cancer. He's actually a level headed person and is usually the person to report all the family shenanigans happening.

This leaves Uncle Mike who currently wants my head on a spike for calling out his bullshit. This is a man, in his early fifties still living with his father who pays for his car, his food and allows his girlfriend to ALSO live with them. His story, he is STILL married to wife but are separated. He has three sons Mike Jr. who I've never met, Steve a womanizer with two kids from two mothers whom he cheated on and Devin a juggalo with his own knocked up girlfriend. Now I can go on and on about Steve and Devin but my Uncle Mike is basically the lolcow of the family. He's your typical blue collared, tea party, conspiracist man who believes he's above the law. Multiple times he's been employed and loses them from being drunk on the job to testing positive on cannabis. Of course this is never his fault but Obama's to which he will drunkenly rant about all day. Not to mention his views on immigration. Let me touch on his addiction to alcohol. Back while planning my grandmother's funeral my mother told him to not bother showing up if he had a drop of alcohol in him. Eventually his withdrawal was so bad he had to get a drink. Frankly I don't know how the man isn't dead. 
His girlfriend is one of those facebook addicts posting literally everything on there. So much so that when my grandmother was hospitalized before her death I learned NOT from a family call but from her facebook. She works as a waitress which is their only income. When she isn't working she's on the computer from 7 in the morning to 2 at night. She has her own laptop which is guess what! Rent to own and if my Uncle Dan is right, hasn't made a single payment on. God knows how many noise complaints they've had along with my Uncle's DUI's and violent tendencies. Bless my grandfather for having such patience for all of this. My Uncle Dan and my mother have told him time and time again to kick Mike and his girlfriend out, stop payments on their car, stop paying for Uncle James trailer and car and live happy in retirement. Instead he's basically baby sitting 50 year old men, with greedy wives and all their children who are as bad as their parents. 

Facebook is my only true way of keeping up with all of them and day in and out there's usually something happening that makes me question whether to laugh or facepalm. It's a non stop train wreck. Sadly once my grandfather passes on, it's going to erupt in chaos as two of my uncles and their family are completely dependent on him and my mother and Uncle Dan are going to have to step up and tell them goodbye. Until then though, I get a fairly frequent amount of amusement.


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## exball (Jan 2, 2014)

Kittentits said:
			
		

> My mother's side of the family are some of the most pathetic people I have the unfortunate to know. My mother and I joke that we could make huge bank selling their stories to Dr. Phil or Maury.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Is it wrong I want to beat the shit out of almost all of them?


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## Himawari (Jan 3, 2014)

Kittentits said:
			
		

> Uncle James is a recently "reborn" Mormon. He went on a mission and as you can imagine had a terrible experience.


Was he sent to Uganda?


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## Surtur (Jan 3, 2014)

I admire the hell out of your uncle Dan.


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## Shadow Fox (Jan 3, 2014)

Kittentits said:
			
		

> My mother's side of the family are some of the most pathetic people I have the unfortunate to know. My mother and I joke that we could make huge bank selling their stories to Dr. Phil or Maury.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Ugh, I'm sorry you and the other sane members of your family have to put up with that.

I don't get people who are separated from their exes for years without ever finalizing the divorce.  It's not that big and involved a process, is it?  Or is it prohibitively expensive?  Especially when they start up relationships with new partners, it seems so trashy to be tied to an ex like that.


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## José Mourinho (Jan 4, 2014)

Not really lolcow-ish and probably only personal for me, but I have to remind myself to browse this Twitter account more often since it's hilarious recently.

https://twitter.com/MoyesOutASAP



> Moyes thinks United deserved to win vs Spurs. Next he'll say that Jews were to be blamed for the holocaust.


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 4, 2014)

What about that Roosh guy?
Actually, I find all red pillers in general to be some personal lolcows, but that would probably be another thread.

My sister's kind of a personal lolcow. Well, she swings between this and just being a womanchild.
She threw a tantrum (sort of) when our younger sister, younger sister's fiance, and I told her that anime is a part of the "cartoon" category. Anime itself is more of a style and how one refers to Japanese cartoons.

She got sooooooooooo pissed at that. She said IT'S MORE MATURE SO IT ISN'T A CARTOON. IT'S FROM JAPAN SO IT ISN'T A CARTOON.
I guess adult-oriented cartoons don't exist...

She's also a HUGE weeaboo. Granted, I was one myself at one point (it's practically a phase nowadays), but I outgrew it. She never did and has instead become more engrossed in a fantasy world than ever before.


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## sparklemilhouse (Jan 4, 2014)

^ omg is your sister Pixyteri?


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## Niggoat (Jan 4, 2014)

I have a 'friend' who constantly tries to send me pony porn in an attempt to convince me that it's totally normal to jack off to a cartoon for little girls. He also threw a huge hissy fit when he found out some character was being removed because it made fun of retard and even asked me to try to hack some of Hasbro's shit.


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 4, 2014)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> ^ omg is your sister Pixyteri?


Nah. She's younger than Pixyteri, but there are some similarities.
Both live in a world where only anime and cosplay exist. She also draws fukken chibis all the time.

.....And no pics of her in a diaper, or at least I hope not. Gah.
Scary how many similarities she has with these weeaboo lolcows.


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## sparklemilhouse (Jan 5, 2014)

Niggoat said:
			
		

> I have a 'friend' who constantly tries to send me pony porn in an attempt to convince me that it's totally normal to jack off to a cartoon for little girls. He also threw a huge hissy fit when he found out some character was being removed because it made fun of exceptional individual and even asked me to try to hack some of Hasbro's shit.



Derpy. 

(not your friend, the horse's name was derpy, she's still around, but not as ... um, _retarded_, apparently.)


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## Bugaboo (Jan 5, 2014)

Yeah people threw a shit fit when they underped Derpy.
I for one don't care, because she will live on in our hearts.


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## José Mourinho (Jan 5, 2014)

If I'm not wrong, I think they rederped the character, but didn't appear much.


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## Varis (Jan 10, 2014)

I don't have any personal cows of my own, but I should have a copy of the IRL lolcow thread from some past incarnation of /cwc/. Would it be okay to share it? I noticed that some of the stories have already been posted by their original authors.


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## Surtur (Jan 10, 2014)

Varis said:
			
		

> I don't have any personal cows of my own, but I should have a copy of the IRL lolcow thread from some past incarnation of /cwc/. Would it be okay to share it? I noticed that some of the stories have already been posted by their original authors.



I am fine with that.


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## dboz (Jan 11, 2014)

Militant atheists and ASMR-tards. ASMR is like the shittiest thing to hit the internet recently, they get super mad when you call them non-NT and fetishists.


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## Watcher (Jan 12, 2014)

I've met a lot of people on Steam who could be either classified as lolcows or just really stupid.

I was just blocked by someone who advocated for Eugenics, and believed it was something that he wished humanity would do. I also gave him a binary choice and told him that if he was given an option. Whether to condemn someone to committing suicide or paying a prostitute for sex. He stated they should kill themselves instead. And I told him he wasn't a moral person and he wasn't a good person either. He was also mixed race and advocated for racial segregation and believed that a person 300 years ago was just better "genetically". At one point I asked him if he knew what a gene even was, what chemical it was bound to and what those were made up of and where in the cell they were located. And he said it wasn't important.

I also called him a coward, a hypocrite and implied he really needs to get laid but whatever. At the end of it he called me a jerk because I insulted him.

These people have such shitty lives and wish everyone thought of them as naturally superior. I almost feel sorry they're probably never going to get laid.


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## AtroposHeart (Jan 12, 2014)

Well, here is the story all about my sister, her husband, and daughter. All pretty much lolcows for me and my parents



Spoiler



Well first my sister is twenty-two years older than me...and is a piece of work. When she graduated high-school she left home to see the fire-works in Florida and didn't come back for several years. My parents were so use to her pulling shit like that they didn't even bother reporting her as a missing person. She had a daughter with a convicted pedophile who had raped several of his older daughters, but thankfully, she had enough sense to break up with him. Her daughter, my niece, is pretty much a feral child. My sister didn't put any effort into raising her and she has pretty much raised herself. We have tried to help my niece, but it failed, and you'll see why when I get to her. I hate to say this about my sister, but she is a hambeast, I hate to say it because I am overweight, but she was at one point at least four-hundred pounds overweight. She had weight loss surgery and gained a good amount of it back. Well anyway, she has been to prison numerous times for fraud and stealing. She also lies to government agencies constantly to get money and free stuff. My sister knows how to work the system. Anyway, they moved back to Alabama from Florida a few years back because DHR was investigating her constantly leaving her child home alone.

Anyway, they lived in the most trashiest of trailer parks and ghetto neighborhoods for a few years in Alabama until Tammy lost her job at the nursing him because she stole jewelry from the old people there. This caused her husband and my niece to move back with us, however in a camper in our yard. She was in prison for about six months and she lost a lot of weight in prison, but she gained at least fifty pounds of it back.

Now her husband, he is lazy. My sister ,to her credit, works two jobs currently and takes care of the camper. He works a  part time job at Target and does no other work and waits for his wife to do everything in the camper and cook. We had a deal with him, if he helped us around the property (My parents own a good amount of land and rent out to two more people) that they would be able to live there for free. However, he wouldn't get off his lazy ass and help them, so we had to charge them rent. And the DRAMA that came out of it. My sister tried to get out of having her daughter's birthday party because of it...but failed thanks to my mom. However, my niece had lost her birthday party a year before thanks to her own stupid fault, but that brings me to the point about my niece.

Oh my niece....we have tried to help her, we really have. We have tried to help this girl and set her on the right path. However, she is one of the most spoiled, entitled and selfish brats. It is not entirely here fault because her parents were so lazy in raising her (reminds me of Chris a good bit) but she is coming at the age when she needs to take responsibility. First, she comes out as a lesbian and she is so obviously not a lesbian. I won't go into detail, but my parents might be old, but they aren't homophobic, she is just claiming to be gay for attention. Then there was that year her mother was in prison where she lost her birthday party. A renter on my parent's land felt bad for her because her mother was in prison and she didn't seem to have any good clothes to wear. So this woman buys her some good and new(almost everything my niece gets from her mother is goodwill and clearance)  clothing and gives it to her. How does my niece react from kindness form a near stranger? She rejects them and says they aren't her "style". her style by the way is trashy. This causes our renter to be in tears and confess this to our mother and my mother is so embarrassed at her granddaughter's actions that she cancels her birthday party.

Does my niece learn her lesson from this? Hell no, this Christmas (About two years later) when she finds out that I gave her a Target giftcard for Christmas she doesn't thank me and instead tells me that she's sick of target. Also at Christmas one of our guests overheard her saying "I hate this" while opening her presents. She later came into my room and talked about exchanging presents and she later told her parents she didn't like a single thing they got her for Christmas.

Oh, and last summer she wanted a job and went on about how much she wanted and needed one. Less than a week later, she gets fired on PURPOSE by dying her hair purple. I confront her about this and she lies and says she cried when she lost her job. Now she is back to bitching about not having money again. I love my niece, but she is a hard person to like. She is extremely negative and goes on about the worse things. I hate to say this but one time she "triggered" me so badly by her negative attitude that I started crying. Also if she doesn't have a use for you; she won't hang around you. When she had a use for me, she was with me all the time; once she didn't she left me and barely speaks to me. 

She is also in constant trouble in school and has been threatened with being expelled.

Every time my brother comes (Who is nineteen years older than me) He begs my parents to kick them out.



Oh, and I forgot this info about my niece



Spoiler



She has been arrested for shoplifting at a dollar general and is on probation until July, I think. Her mother says she has shoplifted before and stole stuff before. Also she scammed a church(Something she learned from her mother, likely. My sister has scammed churches in the past) She told them they didn't have any groceries and she got the church ladies to give her 200 dollars and two bags full of food.


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## Shuu Iwamine (Jan 12, 2014)

My personal lolcow is this one woman who used to go to the same chat site I do. I thought she was pretty cool, a nice person and whatnot. Added her to my watch list on DeviantART. Though, after a couple weeks of being her friend, I realized how unstable she was. She'd always tell me how she never has any friends, so she'd come onto the chat site in different tabs on her browser, talking and RPing with herself. She would ignore everyone else who would try to talk to her. When I called her out on it in PM, she completely flipped out and call me a traitor for some inexplicable reason.

Eventually, she left the chat site because she started drama, and she was given a 24-hour ban. Of course, she blamed everyone else for it.

Even now I keep tabs on her via DeviantART to see what she's up to. She often makes journals whining about how no one watches her art livestreams, and that all of her watchers are useless because of it. Doesn't take her long to remove the journals, though. She's not some super epic lolcow, but she's pretty good entertainment nonetheless.


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## YouDorks (Jan 12, 2014)

I have this friend on Facebook that I met at a writer's conference circlejerk. He's actually pretty intelligent but I used to chat him up all the time until he started using his Facebook as nothing but a soapbox for tl;dr loveshy rants, every goddamned day. When me and his friends called him out on his melodramatic bullshit he went full SJW like "NO NO DON'T JUDGE ME UNFAIRLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH JUST STFU ASSPATS ONLY PLZ". He took the slightest criticism (the truth that would set him free) as a personal attack. The dude's gotten modelling gigs but he's still horrendously insecure about his appearance. Once he realizes it's his fault he spends days after days apologizing in the loudest, most insincere manner possible as he baits for everyone's pity. It's like he has this massive, creepy entitlement complex around everybody, especially women. Oh, and did I mention that he's a rabid Obama supporter and full-on SJW and can't keep his goddamned politics to himself either? It's proof, I guess, that sometimes personality fucks people up far worse than their looks - and thus, their sorrows are self-inflicted in a miserable cycle of bitching. He's acting like his life is over at 19 when he's an upper-middle-class White male going to an elite university.

I'll admit the teenage years are hard for everyone but this guy made me realize how pathetic I come off sometimes.


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## hm yeah (Jan 12, 2014)

My personal pet lolcow, "DMW", is mostly boring, but on occasion poops out a gem. Like this one!



Spoiler






			
				DMW said:
			
		

> Winnie and Dumbo's rise to fall (Jan '14)
> ================================
> 
> Coming from "Horrible Histories", the Aztec Priests despise and hated Winnie the Pooh and Dumbo the elephant so much, they wanted something bad to happen to the two.
> ...






He wrote that for someone who hates certain characters so much (such as Winnie and Dumbo, and no they don't wear underwear at all. And also Gog's Plant isn't a thing) he writes them in his personal death note. I wish I could see their behind the scenes exchanges (I watch DMW's comments. Mostly dull, but sometimes funny when he pounces on someone and begs for really specific fetish art and creeps them out, or roleplays).

Sometimes DMW is shy about talking about genitalia, and he seems to have a thing for cuntboys (well, at least he's referred to himself, if indeed he is male, as having a vagina) and has made multiple references to established male (little boy) characters having vaginas. Like it was the most regular thing ever.


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 12, 2014)

...I must read more of this DMW.


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## Picklechu (Jan 12, 2014)

My personal lolcow is this kid on Twitter. He's twenty-one years old, writes like he's in first grade, unloads boxes in the back of Wal-Mart for a living, and is absolutely, 100% convinced that he is a political blogger who the state political establishment takes seriously. He has several Twitter accounts, most of which he refers to as "political studies" or things to generate ideas, but he does nothing but retweet Tea Party stuff. In addition, when he engages with other Twitter users, he refuses to utilize facts when commenting on policy. I've attempted to gently correct him several times (on things such as, for example, how the state we live in ranks in individual tax burden). He doesn't understand how government works, yet is convinced that he is some sort of genius political analyst. His posts make virtually everyone who reads them cringe, but because he has a few state senators, etc, following him online, he somehow feels validated. In all honesty, he comes across as a political Chris (albeit one with a job).


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## hm yeah (Jan 12, 2014)

caffeinated_wench said:
			
		

> ...I must read more of this DMW.



He's somewhat like Auchimura, but only a fraction as funny. Mostly he's just dull and gross, but sometimes hits me with something that makes me laugh out sharply, or grin and shake my head. Found him through a less than funny guy a penpal/e-friend took notice of (This guy, whom I'll call PAA, is actually a pretty decent dude considering his dA "circle" (oh look a pun) - self-aware, has a sense of humor. Autism is a prereq to being in this group of tartlets, but some of them have it really, really mild)

I mostly keep my stalkees to myself so people don't come to poke them and scare them away, and they don't know I exist so they don't pounce on me and go OMG DRAW ME (cartoonpedo inflation porn). But I'll talk a bit more about DMW. Maybe I'll post some choice sniplets. They're mostly dull, but have a rough little gem. Like the characters acting really super autistic and I feel embarrassed for them.

DMW is sexually attracted to:
Toad and Toadette, from Super Mario Brothers
Baby princesses from SMB racing games (so yeah, he jerks off to Mario Kart. HE JERKS OFF TO MARIO KART)
Butterfree, from Pokemon
Ice Climbers, from...Ice Climbers
Ness, from Earthbound/Mother
some Kirby characters from an animoo or something, idk

His fetishes are primarily:
inflation (this ring is the ring of cartoonpedos with inflation fetishes)
-- clothing
-- body parts (genitalia, he's written a bit on muscle inflation)
-- stuffing
-- popping (but it doesn't hurt them because... uhh, idk)
diapers (he just requests this, usually of Toadette)
-- usually diaper inflation with MUSTARD MUSTARD MUSTARD
-- sometimes diapers full of month's worth of poop

I suspect that he might have been touched wrong as a really little kid, since a story or two involves a pedomorphic character being sexually harassed by other little kid characters (as a reward for winning a contest or something), but nothing confirmed.

My nicknames for him are "The Mustard Menace" and "Toad-Toucher"

But most of all, I wonder what event in his life involved mustard, because seriously, he has a really unhealthy obsession with mustard. You have no idea.

He has a sister and a mom ('course he has a mom), who apparently are mad at him, he's "on probation" (????), is not allowed to touch credit cards, is crazy for dA points (He neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds them), and he jerks off to mario kart. While his mom and sister keep a close eye on him.

When I found him when checking out PAA, I just knew there was something "magical" about him.


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 12, 2014)

hm yeah said:
			
		

> caffeinated_wench said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I can understand that. Same reason why I don't wanna list more than the ED-article ones/real life relatives. I think I mentioned it before, but the chick I mentioned JUST started to do a rewrite of a fic she wrote and I'd hate for my entertainment to be run off the internet or the fic deleted so early.

......That mustard thing sounds really weird. All of it does, really. Da fuq.


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 27, 2014)

LittleBiscuits tale of "The Time I Tried To Sleep With A Wizard/Loveshy", also known as "How to Utterly Fail at Seduction." 

So, as the title would suggest, this is the story of the time I unsuccessfully seduced a wizard. The only thing I will say in my defense is that, well, I was young (er)? One of my biggest faults is incredibly poor judgement and you're all about to read some evidence of that.

Let's call him...Chad? Brad? Let's go with Brad. Brad BlunderDuck.  Okay so during my high school years I was good friends with Brad. We were lab partners in science class and would make jokes about our poor, clueless teacher (her bra was constantly visible. Constantly. It's the funniest shit ever when your 16.) I thought he was just the cutest thing I'd ever seen. He was overweight, had a bit of a neck-beard, long greasy hair... my type of guy (I'm being serious here. I love chubby men). And I really liked him. I though he was great. We always had fun together. 

I never asked him on a date. It wasn't shyness. I'm probably the least shy person I've ever met. I was just that, even though I was in high school I always felt like I was too young and immature for a relationship. So I didn't date. Simple as that. 

Fast forward a few years. Brad and I are both 21 and I am totally ready to hit that.   I'm home from college and guess who I run into at GameStop? Why, Brad BlunderDuck of course! ( A word to the ladies: GameStop isn't a good place to pick up guys. Just trust me on this.)

So, remember when I mentioned that I have really, _really_ poor judgement skills? Yeah. Well, the neck-beard, the fedora, and the trench coat he was wearing really should have thrown up a red flag or two, but I'm an idiot so they didn't. I go bouncing over to Brad, give him a big hug and excitedly invite him over to my place for some drinks and a movie. He didn't want to go. He said being at other people's houses made him uncomfortable. Undeterred, I suggest his place, specifically, his parent's hot tub. He was still not convinced. 

"Well, I don't know. As soon as you see me in a bathing suit you'll probably leave and never want to see me again."

"Oh my God no. That would not happen. I love big dudes, remember?" 

He did actually, and for that reason, he consented to allow me to access his tower of Wizardry. 

Later that weekend, I show up at his place with a few beers and nice bottle of vodka. When he sees the vodka he tells me he doesn't drink. 
"Oh I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were sober."
"I mean, I'm not like, sober for a reason or anything, I've just never had a drink."
"Ever?"
"Yeah, I mean, I might not like the taste."
"You've never had a drink at all because you might not like it? That's like me saying I won't watch a new movie because I might not like it. How would I know?"
"I just don't like new things."

I drop the subject because I don't want to pressure him into drinking if he doesn't want to. It is a personal choice after all. But I tell him I'm going to have a drink or two because, at this point, I kind of need one. 

We get in the hot tub, and not to brag , but as a relevant detail, I look pretty dabes in a bikini. So that wasn't the problem. We start to talk and laugh and he finally starts to thaw out a little, even has a sip of my drink and says it isn't to bad. Things are looking better. Things begin to heat up. I kiss him a little, but its kind of awkward. I try to make out with him, even kiss his neckbeard a little, but he pushes me away. 

"I'm sorry. Do you not...want to?" I ask
"No, it's not that. I just....I have a lot of feelings and I'm confused. I really like you. I love you. But this isn't how I thought it would be. You're kind of wild and it's a little scary. You were so shy and sweet and scared in high school. You're too grown up now."
"Oh. So...should I leave?" (I'm not going to lie. My heart was a tad broken.)
"Yeah maybe."

I do. I get out of the hot tub and put my dress back on. I look back at Brad. He's crying. 
"Are you okay?" I ask. 
"I'm never going to get laid. No woman is ever going to want to have sex with me. All you women don't see my heart. You only want alpha, manly men. Woman are animals."
"Really!? Really? Why do you think I was over here tonight?"
"What?"
"I did like you, maybe I loved you, and I definitely wanted to sleep with you."
"Why didn't you say so? Do you still--"
"Yeah no. You kind of just called me an animal."

I was too tipsy to safely drive home, so his sister gave me a ride home. It was super awkward, but I don't drink and drive. It was also awkward going over to collect my car the next morning. We haven't seen each other since.  

EDIT: I FORGOT THE BEST PART!

so two years later, he starts emailing and texting my boyfriend things like, "when you're done with her, can I have her back?" "Are you done with her yet?" "can I have her?".

Weirdo.


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## exball (Jan 27, 2014)

You kissing him wasn't a sign?


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## MysticMisty (Jan 27, 2014)

hm yeah said:
			
		

> caffeinated_wench said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Somebody a while back mentioned some crazy person who liked writing stories featuring underwear filling up with mustard (as well as a aversion of mentioning genitalia up until recently). Same guy?


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 28, 2014)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> so two years later, he starts emailing and texting my boyfriend things like, "when you're done with her, can I have her back?" "Are you done with her yet?" "can I have her?".


ಠ_ಠ

(Buddy, you had your chance.)


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## Saney (Jan 28, 2014)

Littlebiscuits: Lolcow Magnet.


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## Varis (Jan 28, 2014)

Biscuits, I would say something, but I dropped my jaw and can't seem to find it.


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 28, 2014)

Beth Story Part 3: When Lolcows Attack. 

At long last, the conclusion to the Beth Saga. For those who are just joining us for storytime, or need a refresher, this is the page with part 1 and 2.  

viewtopic.php?f=21&t=532&start=495

(as always, its under spoiler)



Spoiler



Every year, my schools gaming club would organize a trip down to NYComicCon. The year I lived with Beth was also the year I was president of the club, so it was my responiblity plan the trip. I’d attended this con in the past, and I knew from experience that you needed to buy your tickets months in advance. So, as soon as possible into the year, I made tons of announcements, set up intrest meetings, sent out flyers and emails, organized a fundraiser and made sure everyone who wanted to go to NYComicCon got to. My housemate Beth repeatedly rebuffed my attempts to invite her. So when she approached me about tickets a week before the con, I was a little miffed. 

“Well I mean- there aren’t any group passes available anymore, but you could try looking on the website I guess.” I explained. 
“What do you mean there aren’t any group passes left? I want one of those.”
“But I gave them away already. Everyone paid.”
“Well that isn’t fair!”
“But I asked you if you wanted one weeks ago!”
“Well, I didn’t have any money then!”
Lana cut in, “Beth you order from Dominos practically every single night. The tickets were ten dollars.”
I could see that Beth was about to cry. “Okay Beth. I’ll give you a ride down to NYC this weekend but you have to order the tickets tonight. Like, right this second. Go on the computer tonight before midnight, because tonight is the actual last night that tickets can be sold.” 
“Really? But where can I stay? The hotel rooms are all taken up!”
“You can crash at my place, but I’ll warn you. My family is a little, you know, boisterous.” That was an understatement. My family is cacophonous, just absolutely deafening. We communicate to each other in earsplitting roars.  We aren’t angry or rude; it’s just our way. One of my earliest memories is of my Dad bellowing across the house, screaming, “TURN THAT TV LOWER. THE BABY IS TRYING TO SLEEP.”  Beth hates loud people. I knew it was going to be a disaster.    (As a complete side note, my family lives in NYC. We have a family home in the Bronx and my Dad has a small apartment in Manhattan that he stays in when he works. I attended College in a neighboring state. Just to clarify for the sake of the story.)
“That’s okay. I don’t care.” 
“Fine, but Beth, you have to buy your ticket right now. Like, go upstairs and do it right now.”
“Okay, my gosh, don’t worry. I’ll get it, I’ll get it.” She skipped merrily up the stairs, “Oh I’ll have to get working on my cosplay right away! I hope I have enough time to paint the sword-“
“OR BUY YOUR TICKET!” Lana yelled after her, but she was joking.  
I laughed too, “Watch she doesn’t buy it!” 
Lana chuckled darkly, “I wouldn’t joke about that.”


Beth spent the next few days perfecting her cosplay and very little else. Her cosplay was…almost indescribable. It wasn’t just that she didn’t know how to sew. It wasn’t just that she was wearing clothing that was about four sizes too small for her. It wasn’t just that her top consisted of a bright blue bra and little else.  No, what really bugged me about her cosplay was the fact that she was cosplaying her OC….and was expecting to be recognized for it. 

The morning we were leaving for the con, I rounded up the little crew I was transporting and took them to a cafe so that we could properly caffeinate for the trip ahead. While we were there, I did a quick inventory of everyone’s tickets and hotel bookings. 
“Beth you got your ticket right?” I asked. 
“Nope,” she replied calmly, munching a gigantic cinnamon bun. 
“What do you mean, ‘Nope’? Like ‘Nope you forgot to print it’, or ‘Nope it’s in the car?’” 
“Oh I forgot to buy it.”
“No you didn’t.”
“I did!” she laughed, “Don’t worry! We’ll just buy one at the con. It’s no big deal.”


When we arrived in the city, we made a quick detour to my family home to deposit our baggage. Beth was inexplicably furious about this, which confused me because we still had two hours before the con even opened and the alternative was to carry our heavy luggage around the con.
 Just like I predicted, Beth did not respond well to my family. She completely ignored my Mother’s greetings, just stared passed her and pretended she couldn’t hear a word she was saying. Of course, this signaled to my family, “She must be hard of hearing. Let’s be even louder than usual!” 
My insisted we all have a glass of orange juice before heading to the con, (“There will be so many people, so many germs!”) so while we waited for our juice, Beth decided to kick off her stupid looking hooker boots. The second they hit the floor, my dog bounded over and stuck his face in one of the boots. He began to inhale deeply, making a creepy grunting noise.  “HE DOES THAT SOMETIMES,” my Dad explained deafeningly, “BUZZ! GET AWAY FROM THERE, YOU LIL’SHIT.” 
Needless to say, it was a bad first impression on both ends. 


When we arrived at the con, naturally it was already sold out. Beth was livid. 
“You promised you would get tickets for everyone!” She screeched. 
“Beth, that’s not what happened. You said you would have your own ticket.”
“No! What am I supposed to do now?”
“Well, we could try to buy tickets off someone, you know..”
“No! I’m not doing that!” 
“Then I don’t know how to help you.”
“Fix it!”
“I can’t. It’s really crowed right now, maybe you could just walk in. No one will really notice. There are like a million people here right now.”
And oddly, that plan worked. She just waltzed in without a badge. Maybe people were too busy staring at her completely visible bra and panties? I thought all was well. I went to a few panels, saw some epic cosplayers, and bought a T-shit. It was fun. Until I got a call from Beth around 11 p.m. She wanted to go into the Hentai dubbing panel, but they wouldn’t let her in because she didn’t have a badge and had kicked her out of the con.
I met her outside of the Javis Center. She was beyond furious. She ran up to me shouting, “This sucks! I got kicked out, I’m tired, I’m hungry and my feet hurt!”
“Well, we’ll try to get a ticket tomorrow. Let’s just go home for now.”
“No! I’m not walking anymore. My feet hurt!”
“I—what? You have to walk. You can’t just not walk.” She glared at me and defiantly plopped down on the pavement. “Ew that pavement is really dirty and you’re wearing a short skirt. Please stand up.”
“No.”
“Okay. Beth. Stand up. I will trade shoes with you, you can wear my sneakers home.”
“But these boots belonged to my mother and they’re a little big on me…and your feet are so small.”
Suddenly the image of Beth’s obese mom in hooker boots and nothing else popped into my mind.
“Ahh, oh God. Okay. Well, you’ll have to; I’m not letting you sit there all night.” 
“Fine.” We switched shoes. The boots were enormous on me, but New York girls can survive any and all footwear, no matter how torturous.  
“Alright, We’ll walk up 9th and get the subway near Penn station.”
“No.”
“No? Why ‘No’”
“Well I don’t like Subways. We’ll take a cab.”
“We can’t. Cab’s don’t change boroughs.”
“Well, that’s too bad. Cause I’m not taking the subway. And I’m definitely not paying for either.”

I lost it. I completely snapped. I slapped Beth across the face so hard that the sound silenced the entire street of con goers.  We were both silent for a moment, then Beth started to cry. 
I immediately tried to apologize, “Oh Beth, I’m sorry. That was really mean of me-“
“You’re a such a bitch!” She bawled, “I hate you. You think you’re so cool but you’re just a fucking prep.”
She called me a prep. My Immortal style. Then she bolted. Took off right down the nearest dark, creepy ally.  I screamed after her and chased her, but since we had switched shoes, I was now trying to run in heels that were 3 sizes too big. 


	It was horrible, like something out of a nightmare. Beth had taken off into a shady neighborhood notorious for gun violence. All our other friends had already departed for the night so I didn’t even have anyone else to help me look for her. I was crying at this point because I couldn’t see her, and I was totally lost in one of the scariest parts of the city. Eventually I stumbled down a deserted ally when I heard her crying.
	“Beth? Beth, I get that you’re mad at me, but you need to come with me, okay?”
	“Fuck you! Don’t come near me.” She blubbered. 
 It was then that I realized I had been followed. There was a group of about 6-10 men gathering at the end of the ally, laughing and making catcalls at us. 
	“Beth I am SERIOUSLY NOT FUCKING AROUND! GET YOU ASS OVER HERE.” I screamed. She ran towards me and I grabbed her arm. She tried to claw off my fingers but I refused to lose her again. I dragged her out of the ally and magically found my way back to the subway. 
	The subway station was empty, save for a snoring homeless man, but I still wasn’t letting go of Beth. She kept trying to jerk away and make another run for it, but my grip was iron. I was not going to have her throw herself in front of a train or something just to get away from me. 
	As soon as we got on the train, I felt a soft bop on the back of my head. I turned around only to be fully clocked in the face by her blue cardboard sword. 
	“Accident,” she sneered.


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## darkhorse816 (Jan 28, 2014)

Yay! Another tale from littlebiscuits!

What really scares me is that she didn't know how much danger she was in. And how ungrateful she was that you saved her.

This needs to go on one of those con horror story tumblrs or blogs or whatever.

I sense this isn't done yet, though (hopefully).


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 28, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:
			
		

> Yay! Another tale from littlebiscuits!
> 
> What really scares me is that she didn't know how much danger she was in. And how ungrateful she was that you saved her.
> 
> ...



oh it's not done. I just got a little tired.    But I will finish it up.


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## exball (Jan 28, 2014)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> Beth Story Part 3: When Lolcows Attack.
> 
> At long last, the conclusion to the Beth Saga. For those who are just joining us for storytime, or need a refresher, this is the page with part 1 and 2.
> 
> ...



, what a fucking bitch.


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## HG 400 (Jan 28, 2014)

What a horrible horrible person. You should have left her for the niggos, srsly.


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## Picklepower (Jan 28, 2014)

Beth sounds like she, not even joking around, has some kind of mental disability, to be that unaware of situations, and other peoples feelings, she sounds like she has some kind of Autism. Her parents are gonna have to make sure men don't like, trick her into sex or anything. She sounds like the type that would be an easy target for predators, and scam artists.


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 28, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> Beth sounds like she, not even joking around, has some kind of mental disability, to be that unaware of situations, and other peoples feelings, she sounds like she has some kind of Autism. Her parents are gonna have to make sure men don't like, trick her into sex or anything. She sounds like the type that would be an easy target for predators, and scam artists.




Given that she's pretty much NEET nowadays, I doubt she'll be in any real danger. Ever since she graduated college she has been sitting at her computer playing the WoW demo (she refuses to buy the full game) and eating.


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## Pine Tar (Jan 28, 2014)

So, I guess the common theme of littlebiscuits's lolcow stories is that people don't know how to do the right thing at the right time?


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 28, 2014)

Pine Tar said:
			
		

> So, I guess the common theme of littlebiscuits's lolcow stories is that people don't know how to do the right thing at the right time?



I think a theme of my stories is that I am a really, exceptionally poor judge of character. And that I may or may not slap the mentally disabled.


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## exball (Jan 28, 2014)

I like to think it means Littlebiscuits is both the nicest and meanest person I know.


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 28, 2014)

exball said:
			
		

> I like to think it means Littlebiscuits is both the nicest and meanest person I know.




...yeah I think that pretty much sums me up.


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## Arkangel (Jan 29, 2014)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> exball said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Your crazy stories have brought joy to our hearts. Thank you for existing and being here.


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## Varis (Jan 29, 2014)

Good god littlebiscuits, you've got the nerves of steel! I would have stuffed that cinnamon bun down her throat the moment she said she forgot her ticket! I don't think you are mean for slapping the little bitch; she had it coming and you are a fucking saint for putting up with her for so long. Fuck, it sounds like you saved her life.

So mad now. So mad.


----------



## Saney (Jan 29, 2014)

Maybe we should have a thread called: Acquintances of littlebiscuits.


----------



## Picklepower (Jan 29, 2014)

Did I bring up the guy I knew, who wore hawaian shirts, and told me he jerked off to Boku no Pico?


----------



## littlebiscuits (Jan 29, 2014)

Ziltoid said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...











			
				Saney said:
			
		

> Maybe we should have a thread called: Acquintances of littlebiscuits.


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## Surtur (Jan 29, 2014)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> ...bought a T-shit...



lolwut


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 29, 2014)

Surtur said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




oops.   

I'm not editing that btw. I like it. Makes it funnier.


----------



## Pine Tar (Jan 29, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> Did I bring up the guy I knew, who wore hawaian shirts, and told me he jerked off to Boku no Pico?



Tell us more.


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## Hakurei (Jan 29, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> Did I bring up the guy I knew, who wore hawaian shirts, and told me he jerked off to Boku no Pico?



Excuse me what.


----------



## Picklepower (Jan 29, 2014)

Yeah cuz we were talking about hentai, and told me he did, and his excuse was, he thought the blonde one was a girl, but didn't stop jerking off and was able to finish. I was like," Okaaaaaaaaay" and I changed the subject. I have know clue what this person does now.


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 29, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> Yeah cuz we were talking about hentai, and told me he did, and his excuse was, he thought the blonde one was a girl, but didn't stop jerking off and was able to finish. I was like," Okaaaaaaaaay" and I changed the subject. I have know clue what this person does now.



Wait he jerked off in front of you?


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## Picklepower (Jan 29, 2014)

lol NO, he talked about his uh, experience.


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 29, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> lol NO, he talked about his uh, experience.




Okay. Still weird. Especially given the subject matter.


----------



## For The Internet (Jan 29, 2014)

Oh littlebiscuits. I don't blame you for that slap. I once punched my aspie friend in the jaw.

Sometimes words just aren't enough.


----------



## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Jan 29, 2014)

Some guy on a gun form I frequent left this pile of schizophrenia on every single board:



> The US Government and Police departments of this country are now installing devices into your body to create severe pain.
> 
> They are installing devices into your head,mouth,shoulder,penis,vagina, once these devices are installed you automatically black out at night, they then proceed to enter your home, and install more of this crap into your body.
> 
> ...


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## MysticMisty (Jan 29, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> Yeah cuz we were talking about hentai, and told me he did, and his excuse was, he thought the blonde one was a girl, but didn't stop jerking off and was able to finish. I was like," Okaaaaaaaaay" and I changed the subject. I have know clue what this person does now.


OK I know that entire things shtick is "adolescent boys that look and dress like girls" but I call bullshit because sex scenes.


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## Pine Tar (Jan 29, 2014)

Francis E. Dec said:
			
		

> Some guy on a gun form I frequent left this pile of schizophrenia on every single board:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Reminds me of some loon on /cow/ (and I'm not talking about autphag, Robbay or Moleman) who suggested that the government plants CP on dissidents they can't get for a conventional crime. 

There's being skeptical of the government. And then there's thinking that the Feds are evil masterminds when in reality they're (usually) well-meaning incompetents.


----------



## AdmiralPingas (Jan 30, 2014)

Francis E. Dec said:
			
		

> Some guy on a gun form I frequent left this pile of schizophrenia on every single board:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Frankenstein Earphone Radios, eh? I bet they can also make you over one foot shorter or one foot taller, as the Computer God sees fit.


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## Say Apple! (Jan 30, 2014)

Hi, new here and thought I would post about a "friend" of mine. I don't know how I always get mixed up with people like this but for whatever reason they like to come to me. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I'd share it.
A few years back there was this kid in my math class named Alec and was quite trouble maker. He would pretty much just do whatever he wanted the whole class period and was completely obsessed with rocket pens (If you don't know what a rocket pen is it's those G2 pens with the mechanics and what not of it moved around so you could shoot the pen part of it out and it goes pretty far for a pen and a tiny spring.) He would always have one or two of them and just launch em at random people. During exams he must've been feeling particularly bored and took out one of his dozens of pens and launched it directly at the teacher and nailed her right on the arm (I think it even left a little mark). Needless to say she got REALLY mad and told him to go to the dean's. Of course he didn't so and he said something along the lines of "I don't listen to fat people" and it looked like the teacher was turning a red. A sort of shouting match came up from her screaming at Alec to go down to the dean's or else and Alec just brushing her off saying whatever and I don't care. Eventually she got upset and directly called the office to have someone come pick him up. Now the deans are VERY harsh/unfair/hot tempered/whatever. So when the dean came to the class room she was pretty mad to begin with. When Alec refused to get up I swear the dean looked like she popped a blood vessel and became absolutely furious and seemed to try her hardest not to scream. Alec just made fun of her and eventually he was literally forced from his seat and pulled from the room and he was just dancing around and making lots of noise on his way out. Never saw him again after that though and I assume he was expelled for abusing a teacher or whatever.


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## Halberd (Jan 30, 2014)

I still follow Jordan White (the McDonald's Brony) through every Youtube channel he makes. I don't try to make him upset because he is actually a sympathizable person (but very autistic) and he comes up with entertaining content anyway without being harassed.

I haven't encountered any real life lolcows since highschool to be honest.


----------



## Varis (Jan 30, 2014)

Say Apple! said:
			
		

> Hi, new here and thought I would post about a "friend" of mine. I don't know how I always get mixed up with people like this but for whatever reason they like to come to me. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I'd share it.
> A few years back there was this kid in my math class named Alec and was quite trouble maker. He would pretty much just do whatever he wanted the whole class period and was completely obsessed with rocket pens (If you don't know what a rocket pen is it's those G2 pens with the mechanics and what not of it moved around so you could shoot the pen part of it out and it goes pretty far for a pen and a tiny spring.) He would always have one or two of them and just launch em at random people. During exams he must've been feeling particularly bored and took out one of his dozens of pens and launched it directly at the teacher and nailed her right on the arm (I think it even left a little mark). Needless to say she got REALLY mad and told him to go to the dean's. Of course he didn't so and he said something along the lines of "I don't listen to fat people" and it looked like the teacher was turning a red. A sort of shouting match came up from her screaming at Alec to go down to the dean's or else and Alec just brushing her off saying whatever and I don't care. Eventually she got upset and directly called the office to have someone come pick him up. Now the deans are VERY harsh/unfair/hot tempered/whatever. So when the dean came to the class room she was pretty mad to begin with. When Alec refused to get up I swear the dean looked like she popped a blood vessel and became absolutely furious and seemed to try her hardest not to scream. Alec just made fun of her and eventually he was literally forced from his seat and pulled from the room and he was just dancing around and making lots of noise on his way out. Never saw him again after that though and I assume he was expelled for abusing a teacher or whatever.


What a little shit.

Sadly, this behavior isn't that uncommon. Kids in my country are becoming increasingly cocky now that the teachers aren't allowed to touch them. They risk getting fired just for removing a troublemaker from the class. :/


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 30, 2014)

Say Apple! said:
			
		

> Hi, new here and thought I would post about a "friend" of mine. I don't know how I always get mixed up with people like this but for whatever reason they like to come to me. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I'd share it.
> A few years back there was this kid in my math class named Alec and was quite trouble maker. He would pretty much just do whatever he wanted the whole class period and was completely obsessed with rocket pens (If you don't know what a rocket pen is it's those G2 pens with the mechanics and what not of it moved around so you could shoot the pen part of it out and it goes pretty far for a pen and a tiny spring.) He would always have one or two of them and just launch em at random people. During exams he must've been feeling particularly bored and took out one of his dozens of pens and launched it directly at the teacher and nailed her right on the arm (I think it even left a little mark). Needless to say she got REALLY mad and told him to go to the dean's. Of course he didn't so and he said something along the lines of "I don't listen to fat people" and it looked like the teacher was turning a red. A sort of shouting match came up from her screaming at Alec to go down to the dean's or else and Alec just brushing her off saying whatever and I don't care. Eventually she got upset and directly called the office to have someone come pick him up. Now the deans are VERY harsh/unfair/hot tempered/whatever. So when the dean came to the class room she was pretty mad to begin with. When Alec refused to get up I swear the dean looked like she popped a blood vessel and became absolutely furious and seemed to try her hardest not to scream. Alec just made fun of her and eventually he was literally forced from his seat and pulled from the room and he was just dancing around and making lots of noise on his way out. Never saw him again after that though and I assume he was expelled for abusing a teacher or whatever.



  Great first post, happy for you. Welcome!

And btw there is something about the name alec.... My greatest personal lolcow was also called Alec.


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## exball (Jan 30, 2014)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> Say Apple! said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sauce?


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## littlebiscuits (Jan 30, 2014)

exball said:
			
		

> littlebiscuits said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




viewtopic.php?f=21&t=532&start=315

two stories on that page. I think you'll like 'em.


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## exball (Jan 30, 2014)

littlebiscuits said:
			
		

> exball said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ohh, that Alec story. I remember that one.


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## Carlson (Jan 30, 2014)

God, those two stories were amazing.

I never really interacted with most of the really weird kids. The only one that I could confidently call a lolcow is Casey and his family.

Casey is a few months younger than me (so we're both 21 right now, though he looks like he hasn't even hit 18 yet), but was a year behind in school because he got held back in kindergarten and that's not an exaggeration. He's the oldest of four kids, with a sister and a pair of twin brothers. Casey's house was a few down from mine, and since he was the only peer within walking distance we hung out often. He viewed me as his best friend for a few years, but I really only hung out with him because I felt sorry for him and I had no other people interested in video games and the like nearby.

Casey's family was nuts, and at the time consisted of an extremely redneck alcoholic father and a downright crazy Christian mother. The hairdresser mother once wore a shirt with a closeup of Jesus's hand spurting blood from the nail in it around the house. She was also very easily swayed by "woo-woo", like homeopathy and magnetism: she believed that standing on concrete or other non-natural surfaces or wearing shoes caused you to lose connection to Earth's magnetic field and become ill. She had a mysterious "herbal tea" that she kept on a magnet in the fridge that always made her high as balls, and gave her kids foam pillows filled with magnets to improve their health. Later, she became a Bejeweled addict. The father was otherwise normal, if you consider a lazy alcoholic normal. Their relationship was filled with strife and they broke up and got back together repeatedly, until it finally fell apart a few years ago.

The twin brothers were the youngest, and both of them distinctively blonde and pale. They're teenagers now, but when I knew them they didn't even speak proper English; remember what people say about twins developing their own personal style of communication? The pair spoke in a sort of slurred English dialect that reminds one of a 4-year-old. It had nothing to do with a speech impediment or mental disability. They would simply cry when someone tried to give them lessons, so the parents gave up and let them learn on their own. The middle child, the sister, was a wannabe street chick who had sex with adults before she was old enough to drive and bragged about living the "thug life" when she was just a poor white chick. She claimed to speak Italian because of her ancestry, and I can guarantee she doesn't know a lick of it. A few years ago she finally had a baby at about 16. To make matters worse, her refusal to ever participate in school resulted in her being held back for _several_ years, and she was still in middle school when she had the kid.

And now we come to Casey. Short, very skinny, always let his hair grow into a mushroom-shaped mass. Looked awkward, talked awkward, and grew a giant ego as he got into high school. He didn't enjoy bathing, and once went over a week without brushing his teeth purely to see how long he could do it before my mother yelled at him. He ended up at our house a lot, and my mother did her best to try and fix him up. Almost every effort failed miserably. The kid was also pretty dumb: he didn't know where Hollywood was and was about a hundred years off on the Civil War. He once talked about loving the "smell of plutonium" at a gas station (he meant petroleum) and spent the next 2 minutes defending his word choice. That's one of the most grating things about him: he's painfully wrong a lot of the time, but stubbornly refuses to accept anyone's corrections. Like I said, he got a big ego in high school. He started hanging out with the other weird and loner kids, and they all formed a big group. Casey is a decent artist, and the compliments of his skill led him to think he was going to be the next big illustrator.

Eventually, the family's failure to function in society caught up to them: they snuck out of their house in 2011, I think, moving into an apartment complex a few miles away to avoid debts. A month or two after they abandoned the house, my friend and I snuck in and took pictures; they basically ransacked their own home, tossing drawers around and taking the mattresses from the beds. I found the daughter's journal, where she had made up a fake modeling agency letter to show off to the kids at school.

Last we saw Casey, he was working at Walmart. He was shifty-eyed, barely spoke above a murmur, and supposedly ran away from a customer who asked him a question. He got fired after a few months. The only times I ever interact with him are rare tabletop RPG games where he gets invited.


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## House Of Reeves (Jan 30, 2014)

Here's another story I got. 


Spoiler



I was just reminded of one of the biggest lolcows I've encountered. 
My friend Daniel. I met Daniel in the third grade. We sat next to each other, and started talking about video games, Legend of Zelda, etc. We also had in common we were both kids who had been picked on, but Daniel got it much worse. He was a fat, janky looking, insane Christian, homophobe. He was always either being hit on by guys to freak him out, or someone was activating his Christian rage mode. Lots of playground scuffles and lots of crying into sleeves. One notable event was the time he ran around the playground screaming, "DEVILS!" Every time he saw someone, he would scream that and run away. He had to be subdued by the teachers. He later told me he saw everyone on the playground as actual Devils. To this day, I haven't asked him if he actually saw that or if he was just trying to get attention. 

Years later in middle school, at a 4th of July party at a friends house (which I couldn't attend due to family), he did something bad in a bathroom. The group were laying down, about ready to go to sleep, when someone started talking about sex. After someone detailed a particularly graphic depiction of a porn scene, Daniel jumped up off his air mattress and ran to the bathroom, which is directly connected to the bedroom they were in. After hearing grunting and some slapping noises, my friend decided to investigate. He flung the door open, and there was Daniel,  sitting on the toilet playing with his meat mandolin. He started screaming at them to shut the door, not stopping his hand party. He slammed the door shut on his own, and emerged a moment later. Red-faced and pissed off that they had caught him beating the bishop. We never let him live that down. Years later in high school, he finally thought we had forgotten. He was wrong. 

Another middle school incident was when he challenged the school bully to a fight. Daniel was well versed in tae kwan do, mind you. He showed up to the fight, got one good kick in on the kid, and promptly got his ass beat around the soccer field. He told me he didn't want to hurt the other guy too bad. That bully himself was a bit of a lolcow, but that is a story for a different time. 

In high school, the ride didn't end. Apart from all the random hallway shouting matches and threatening to stab people who called him gay, he also became a romantic. Senior year, he fell in love with a girl. Not a little crush, he fell head over heels for this girl who showed him a little bit of kindness. He would constantly complain to me about how she didn't want anything to do with him after he bothered the shit out of her for weeks. She finally caved and went to the prom with him, only to leave halfway through to join her redneck hambone boyfriend. Really sucked for Daniel. 

In college, he got tricked on a Chris level. He started getting texts from this girl who wanted to date him. She asked for weird pictures, including one of him with his shirt off, and one of his dick. He obliged accordingly. On top of that, he accidentally posted the pic of his D to Facebook, and promptly scarred everyone of his friends. Later, after a roller coaster of emotion with this girl, including the girl promising to take his virginity, it was revealed it was someone pulling an elaborate prank on him. He was surprisingly calm when it was revealed. He didn't rage, he just seemed relieved. He's gotten better about his antics though. He has stopped being a Christian nut, he doesn't hate gays anymore, he has really mellowed out. Probably all that dank he is smoking. 

I've kept friends with him, not out of pity though. Him and I are pretty close nowadays, and he still occasionally does something pretty funny.


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## Say Apple! (Jan 30, 2014)

PhysicianPhallus said:
			
		

> there was Daniel,  sitting on the toilet playing with his meat mandolin.


Wow, super Christian but wanking it? Surprised he isn't frightened of even touching himself.


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## telegramsamo (Jan 30, 2014)

There's this girl on IMDb.



Spoiler


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## caffeinated_wench (Jan 30, 2014)

telegramsamo said:
			
		

> There's this girl on IMDb.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Someone's horny.


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## Carlson (Jan 30, 2014)

The most disturbing thing you can do: crush on Jim Carrey.


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## Axiom (Jan 30, 2014)

A woman my roommate used to date is an absolute lunatic. I call her 'Sac des Chattes', which means 'bag of cats', in reference to how we describe her: MAD AS A BAG OF CATS. She's way too into the BDSM 'lifestyle', like she likes to live it ALL THE TIME and won't do anything at all unless some 'dom' orders her to do it. Not even eating or going to bed. When people ask what she wants in a boyfriend, she says, 'Oh, I don't want a BOYFRIEND, I want a MASTER!' Which is fine, if that's your thing, but she lets people do things to her she hates and is uncomfortable with because I don't even know. She's really nuts. Goodness knows why Waffle (the roommate) dated her, except he was really down and desperate after he and his now-ex-wife separated. The relationship didn't last more than about three or four months.

Anyway.

Chattes had knee surgery in November and on New Years was only JUST off the crutches. We (my boyfriend and I) were supposed to go over to her house for a belated Christmas celebration, but that night it snowed really hard, and it was accumulating on the road. It was too dangerous to leave by the time we were done with our errands, so we called and told her we'd reschedule. She was upset but seemed to accept it. She asked when Waffle was coming, and since the last contact he'd had with her was when she sent him her cut-up slave collar and a nasty breakup letter in the mail, he said, 'I didn't think you'd want to see me considering our last contact.' She had a hissy fit and hung up on him. And then tried to call him.

After seventeen missed calls, she sent a text message that said, 'ANSWER OR I AM WALKING OVER.' She lives a mile or so from us but it's snowing out and she's JUST OFF OF CRUTCHES.

Boyfriend's sister lives with Chattes (so she could take care of her) and we called her and said DO NOT LET CHATTES LEAVE, SHE IS THREATENING TO WALK OVER HERE.

After another eight missed calls from Chattes, there's silence.

We go on playing Mario Kart.

There's a knock at the door. WE all look at each other like NO WAY SHE DID NOT.

Oh yes, out there in the snow at night is Chattes. She walked all the way over. She snuck out of her apartment when boyfriend's sister was in the bathroom.

We didn't let Chattes into the house. I half-expected she would come back in brandishing a machete.


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## bradsternum (Feb 1, 2014)

http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIfJGZR ... ture=watch

I swear, this is a David Lynch project.


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## House Of Reeves (Feb 1, 2014)

bradsternum said:
			
		

> http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIfJGZRw435FC9ph3QLzWzQ?feature=watch
> 
> I swear, this is a David Lynch project.



How did you find this?


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## sparklemilhouse (Feb 1, 2014)

"ANSWER OR IM WALKING OVER" is my new threat.


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## bradsternum (Feb 1, 2014)

PhysicianPhallus said:
			
		

> bradsternum said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



One of my friends was in Jesus Christ Superstar, and I googled the show, and I found this woman's interpretation of the show. It was horrifying.


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## telegramsamo (Feb 1, 2014)

Meet Bob  8-)  and Bev    of HOLWAGERKARAOKE. 


Spoiler



[youtube]Mrtlp4RbC24[/youtube]
[youtube]1YtdV32KJdM[/youtube]
[youtube]SQRzErgm9ek[/youtube]


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## Beans (Feb 2, 2014)

Spoiler



[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hynynNxVZdA[/youtube]


Went to the same high school as me. Goes to the same college as me. I'm lucky enough to be able to avoid him and you all are lucky that not many of his earlier songs are still around.


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## Ocelot (Feb 2, 2014)

Easy. There was this "Preacher" that kept coming to my university for a while. He earned the nickname preacher Dan. An insane preacher who hated Muhammad (one a rally was going on to get peace in the middle east and he stepped right in front of the people leading it and calling them all sinners) , insulting everyone who liked him. considered same sex relationships to be a sin, and constantly called himself perfect. he even blew this horn during his sermons and even included a quote from star wars at one point. He's no longer preaching at my college because his ex wife is now going to said college and there's a restraining order between the two


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## ChameleonBody (Feb 5, 2014)

Maybe it's just me but I think this guy's reviews are hilarious… the way he writes also reminds me a bit of Chris
http://www.imdb.com/user/ur0550732/

*Punch-Drunk Love*:






*Black Swan*:





*I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry*:


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## Varis (Feb 5, 2014)

ChameleonBody said:
			
		

> *I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry*:
> http://puu.sh/6KEM2.png


That USI. "Critics are regular people like you and me BUT DON'T LISTEN TO THEM WE KNOW BETTER."

I'd personally approach any Adam Sandler movie with caution.


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## Saney (Feb 5, 2014)

Varis said:
			
		

> ChameleonBody said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



"Funny Adam Sandler movie."

Now there's an oxymoron right there.


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## bradsternum (Feb 5, 2014)

[youtube]XmL_ZKLkLgg[/youtube]

I shouldn't laugh, because there's obviously something wrong, but... Gay slightly retarded anarchist Marilyn Manson devotee? Must... be... good... person...


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## ChameleonBody (Feb 5, 2014)

Varis said:
			
		

> ChameleonBody said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm still just confused what "lifetime movie passes to any movie any time at no cost!" are and how the apparent world's biggest Adam Sandler fans managed to get them.


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## House Of Reeves (Feb 6, 2014)

Not necessarily a lolcow, but I'm monitoring on Tumblr that may result in a good one. Apparently, there is this Homestuck cosplayer in California that has done some very illegal things at conventions, and the drama is starting to mount.


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## c-no (Feb 6, 2014)

PhysicianPhallus said:
			
		

> Not necessarily a lolcow, but I'm monitoring on Tumblr that may result in a good one. Apparently, there is this Homestuck cosplayer in California that has done some very illegal things at conventions, and the drama is starting to mount.


Sounds interesting. Care to share the tumblr link or maybe some of this cosplayer's convention shenanigans?


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## littlebiscuits (Feb 6, 2014)

c-no said:
			
		

> PhysicianPhallus said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




If shit gets real enough, why not make a thread? This sounds good.


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## House Of Reeves (Feb 6, 2014)

http://spacecadetbird.tumblr.com/post/7 ... -is-jaidin

For those who don't want to read all that: She's being accused of a lot of bad things, including: Groping, unwanted sexual advances, statutory rape, lying about her age, being a creep, etc. The list goes on and on. 
There are so many edits to the original posting, there are even a few white knights popping up, trying to defend her. 
Imagine Nick Bate, except as a woman.


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## c-no (Feb 6, 2014)

PhysicianPhallus said:
			
		

> http://spacecadetbird.tumblr.com/post/75673239813/sexual-offender-warning-this-is-jaidin
> 
> For those who don't want to read all that: She's being accused of a lot of bad things, including: Groping, unwanted sexual advances, *statutory rape*, lying about her age, being a creep, etc. The list goes on and on.
> There are so many edits to the original posting, there are even a few white knights popping up, trying to defend her.
> Imagine Nick Bate, except as a woman.


Is it wrong for me to believe that this woman should be jailed for such a crime?


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## House Of Reeves (Feb 6, 2014)

c-no said:
			
		

> PhysicianPhallus said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No, she definitely needs to be in prison.


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## Pine Tar (Feb 6, 2014)

If these allegations are true, then this Jaidin woman needs to be sent to Prison. Not minimum-security prison, I mean "Don't Drop The Soap" prison.


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## Android raptor (Feb 6, 2014)

I personally like to err on the side of caution with the creeper alert posts, especially if there isn't any hard evidence of them bring creepy. Granted the amount of people claiming to have been harmed by her definitely adds weight to the legitimacy of it all, but in the end of the day it still isn't hard proof.

That and with tumblr especially, the criteria for someone being a sexual creeper could be anything from actual creepy shit to someone who made a slightly off color joke thanks to SJW mentality. Doesn't mean it's not legit, but without hard proof there's a chance it's also complete BS.

If this is legit, these people need to start pressing charges ASAP.


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## Varis (Feb 6, 2014)

According to some forum posts by Jaidin, she is apparently a trans lesbian. Just dropping that nugget of info, not implying anything.

Edit: so many shares jesus christ

She has deleted two blogs so far.

This victim's story supports everything I've found out about her so far. 


Spoiler



Well it’s been a long time that I’ve remained silent about this, but here’s my story:

Alll the way back in 2009 I came to know Jadin, at the time who was named “Kites-Kun”. Also at the time, they weren’t…. Hm.. I guess there’s no polite way to say this so I’ll just use they pronouns. 

We met by total accident when I confused them for someone I’d met at bats day at disneyland some many years ago, but lost contact with. We left it at an honest mistake and made friends anyways.

Them and I used to talk via Facebook and eventually it evolved into texting and phone calls. Which at first seemed pretty harmless right? Wrong. 
Kites started to get really strange over the phone, mentioning things like “I can’t wait till fanime.” (which is where we planned to meet the next time it came around.) “I can’t wait to meet you. You’re so hot” etc etc. I just kinda brushed it off as normal flirtation. Well, being as I didn’t stop it, things escalated into “When we get to fanime can I play with your Boobs?” and “I want to take a nap on your chest..” covered in little nyaas and cat noises. 

Being as I’m actually pretty self conscious about my large breasts I kinda nervously laughed it off and kept trying to excuse the predatory behavior.

Then came a conversation my roommates overheard that I’ll probably never forget. We were excited about Fanime which is great and all, but then they started bringing up things that made my skin crawl like “Are you a virgin?” and “Have you ever had sex” and I responded with “Yes I am, and no I haven’t” And they got very overbearing from that point, stating that “after we meet, you’re not going to be a virgin anymore. hahaha” and such things that made me downright embarrassed that my roommates were hearing this. I was kinda like “erm okay?”. They kept mentioning how they wanted to be my Significant other, and that we were going to do things… etc, etc.

When I told a few web friends they started looking into it, and came back with reports that Kites was a sexual preadator in NorCal and that I need to stay away and blah blah blah. Being an idiot 19-year-old. I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “How can a 18 year old be a sexual predator?” Biiiiiiiiiig Mistake.

Fast forward to Fanime, “finally”. Supposedly kites and I were ‘in a relationship’ without actually being in one???? I ended up getting my own room, but Kites offered me a spot at the Convention hotel, so I get excited and show up on day one, to a room on a sickening level, extremely dizzy and kites is ‘Too busy to talk’ ‘Gotta go bye’.

:/

Some girl in the room informs me there’s only one bed and I have to share with kites and 4 other girls. I’m sitting there like “Excuse me?” So I take my stuff and go back to my other hotel room, pissed off now. I tried contacting kites and he explained the same thing and shaking my head I told them, “I’m not doing that.” And they tried the whole “Innocent cat act” but I wasn’t having it. 

So they hang up.

A few hours later, Kites calls me and wants me to do their friend a favor, make her some teeth for her grell cosplay and she’ll pay me.

I’m a prop maker, so I do this often, not a big project, whatever, and kites promised they’d be there. 

I get there and get to work 2 hours pass, No kites.

3 Hours more and I’m finishing up, still no kites.

I finish, it’s 3 am and I have no way to get back to my hotel room safely. STILL NO KITES.

And on top of that the girl DOESN’T PAY ME, (which I’d kinda hoped she did, I was short on food money) and kicks me out of her room.

So I go back to my room, alone, in the dark, and get harassed by some people on the street. :/

Fast forward to the black and white ball. Kites SWORE we were going to together. I get all dolled up, makeup done perfect and give kites a call.

They didn’t answer for a good hour. Meanwhile I’m sitting in my hotel room in a dress I made myself. In full makeup, waiting for a call. 

Their FRIEND calls me back: “Sorry kites is sick, (they) can’t go out.” So I’m kinda whatever, really upset that now I get to go stag. 

So, not going to be detered, I show up with a good friend of mine at the time who said we can be pretend girlfirends and have fun. We did,

Until I saw kite’s sorry ass there with the girl who wouldn’t pay me.

I was livid. I didn’t have to say a thing before they both quickly made an exit. I didn’t see them for the rest of the convention.

After I got home from Fanime, I got a BS breakup letter on facebook FROM KITES, and it’d been apparent they’d blocked me.

They also made sure to tell me “If I ever told anyone what happened (they’d) tell everyone I was a slut, that I’d slept with them, I’d emotionally abused them, etc etc.” and that was that.

I avoided them there after but now they’re worming their ugly head back into my social life, so for everyone who denied my feelings,

HERE’S THE STORY AND PLENTY MORE.

And for everyone that Kites/Jadin Lockheart shit talks: It’s all fake.


----------



## Hollywood Hulk Hogan (Feb 6, 2014)

Brother, the Hulkster's lolcow is the Brooklyn Brawler. He never wins matches, yet he doesn't see the error in his ways and stays aligned with Bobby Heenan, man.


----------



## Shadow Fox (Feb 6, 2014)

Bart Bervoets, aka Nekobe the Lion, furry sex fiend and psychopath.  I think his lolcow udders have dried up by now, most of his lulzy activity seems to have happened in 2000 and 2001, but the documentation of it that exists is amazing.  The site hosting most of the information seems to have gone tits up, so here's a Wayback Machine link: http://web.archive.org/web/20070127163332/http://www.knightwolfsrealm.com/moose/documents/

Some of his more notable exploits:
- He was banned from major furry cons in the US and Europe for stalking and harassing people.  At the US con, when he was refused entry to someone's hotel room, he tried to get the guests in that room in trouble by telling the cops they were hiding drugs and child porn.  After being banned, he swore up and down that he would crash the next con anyway and get everything shut down by getting the con staff and/or attendees in trouble with the police.
- He stalked and terrorized somebody in Florida and spent the night in jail for it, effectively getting himself banned from Florida's furry community.
- Two different households let him live with them on a temporary basis after he told them what awful meanies the Florida furfags were being to him.  In both cases he made an utter nuisance of himself, constantly following people around, demanding that no one have conversations where he wasn't present, insisting on being involved in things that were none of his business, constantly pestering people for sex, and threatening to kill himself if he didn't get his way.  One household threw him out after one week; he lasted three weeks in the other.
- According to the report from one of the groups he lived with, he never changed his clothes and constantly wore the same stained, dirty sweater, pants and   for days on end.  He also wore a rank, filthy fursuit underneath his clothes every day.
- He claimed to have had cancer in one testicle, and having his nut removed somehow made him extra-horny so he needed to have sex all the time, and if he was denied sex he would have a heart attack and die.
- When scorned, he would make threatening phone calls to people, try to libel them in furry chatrooms, attempt to extort money from them, threaten them with his internet lawyers (of which he had two in the US and one in Europe constantly at his beck and call), and wreck their computers with DDOS attacks.

He was naturally assraged about the existence of the webpage with all the dirt on him and was forever screaming at the site's maintainer to take it down and threatening legal action on the grounds that cataloguing his fuckery was somehow illegal; he would also, when trying to convince others of his innocence, tell them to look at the material on the site and see the kinds of lies that were being spread about him.  IGNORE ALL GOOGLE RESULTS!


----------



## SilentThunder (Feb 6, 2014)

Shadow Fox said:
			
		

> Bart Bervoets, aka Nekobe the Lion, furry sex fiend and psychopath.  I think his lolcow udders have dried up by now, most of his lulzy activity seems to have happened in 2000 and 2001, but the documentation of it that exists is amazing.  The site hosting most of the information seems to have gone tits up, so here's a Wayback Machine link: http://web.archive.org/web/20070127163332/http://www.knightwolfsrealm.com/moose/documents/



According to a quick google search he admitted himself in for professional treatment for bipolar disorder back in '08. So it seems like he did finally get the help he needed. Thats assuming WikiFur is an accurate source mind you. The claim was properly sourced from what it seemed, although I'll admit I didn't read too far into the message post, since I really didn't feel like reading a bunch of poorly written posts at this hour..


----------



## Marionette (Feb 6, 2014)

Remember my post quite a bit back about how god awful my family is? I am related to these two whores:
[youtube]khHAYkk2Lc0[/youtube]


----------



## exball (Feb 6, 2014)

Kittentits said:
			
		

> Remember my post quite a bit back about how god awful my family is? I am related to these two whores:
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khHAYkk2Lc0


----------



## Marionette (Feb 6, 2014)

The sad thing is that's not fake. One year on vacation my Uncle came crying to us after he saw his wife had played him and all these other men. I wish I was making this up.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Feb 7, 2014)

Kittentits said:
			
		

> Remember my post quite a bit back about how god awful my family is? I am related to these two whores:
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khHAYkk2Lc0




Get the fuck out. That is amazing.


----------



## Uncle Linky (Feb 9, 2014)

This guy.
https://twitter.com/Smoloko123

And his youtube channel.
http://www.youtube.com/user/scottiedlight


----------



## Varis (Feb 9, 2014)

Kittentits said:
			
		

> Remember my post quite a bit back about how god awful my family is? I am related to these two whores:
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khHAYkk2Lc0


I... just... what. I don't know what to say. 

What does Heather look like nowadays? I glanced over Cathie's Facebook, my god so many selfies.


----------



## Protoman (Feb 10, 2014)

I have a few lolcows in my family. Example: My maternal grandmother is going through chemo right now and has been sort of lethargic. This, combined with years of an unhealthy lifestyle, has finally taken its toll, as she recently discovered she has several clots that could be life threatening. Upon discovering this news, my mother and my grandmother's doctor both urged her to start getting moderate amounts of exercise regularly to actually take care of the problem.

My aunt, on the other hand, encouraged my grandmother (who also has clinical depression and thus a lack of motivation) to continue her sedentary lifestyle, asspatting her to hell and back in a way that could legitimately endanger her life. On top of that, she's been attention-mongering hardcore on facebook, playing up how tragic this all is in a way that shines the spotlight on her and gets her some much-desired asspats. It's sort of at the point where it's starting to come off as her encouraging my grandmother not to get healthy so that she (my aunt) can baww about it for sympathy.


----------



## José Mourinho (Feb 12, 2014)

So I was following some drama about Moleman9000, until I came across this wiki which Moleman9000 was tardraging in there. Initially, I just brush it off as some stupid wiki, but one closer look revealed how terribly hilarious and lulzy the wiki is. I bring to you... the *Real Life Villains Wiki *. You thought that this wiki is got to do with villains that got to do with real life? Hahaha, no.

I'll split this wiki into three parts:

*1. Pages we need to add*

http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wik ... eed_to_add

Basically it's a page which is some sort of a _"request page"_, or a _"waiting list"_. Now it's more of a personal army list and with stupid examples. Ever got bullied yesterday in school by someone who called you a "fartlunch"? Ever got an arch-nemesis in real life? Then there you go, be sure to add them to this list! Back then, there were examples which are later reverted, such as the _Republican Party_, _Creepypasta_ (Which later had an article there), _Sonic.exe_ (Same as Creepypasta, srsly), but then let me filter the ones that are notable:



			
				The Stupid List said:
			
		

> _* Anti-Bronies ; Organizations, Bullies, Male Villains, Trash Talking Villains, Jerks and Internet Related Pages
> * Authoritarianism, action
> * Blue Screen of Death, Villainous Event/Internet Related Villains/Destroyer
> * Cannibals (history)
> ...



*2. Stupid articles*

So now we have this stupid list, what if they were written? Well there they are. It's basically ones which are unrelated to real life, villains, both and even fucking neither. I highly doubt that the staff even knew what are the terms *"Real Life"* and *"Villains"*.

_* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wik ... %28Game%29 *(The aforementioned Sonic.exe)*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wik ... ats_Writer *(Some troll/trolls who wrote threats to a 5-year old)*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Satan *Even Satan fucking deserves one.*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Cancer *Cancer.*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Justin_Bieber *(Seriously. Justin Fucking Bieber.)*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/HIV/AIDS *(HIV/AIDS)*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/SOPA *SOPA.*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/TV_Tropes *Don't forget TV Tropes!*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Fast_Eddie *And Fast Eddie!*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Tropers *And the evil tropers!*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Capcom *And Capcom is one of these real-life villains along with Adolf Hitler and.... landslides.*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Hideo_Kojima *Hideo Kojima deserves one too.*
* http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta *Don't forget Creepypasta!*_

*3. Articles filled with butthurt*

Basically the best part in my opinion. These are the articles that are filled with butthurt, tardrage, and BAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWtism.

_1. Mark Zuckerberg: http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wik ... Zuckerberg_


> *Mark Zuckerberg* (born on 14 may 1984) is the CEO and founder of Facebook. However, he has not been treating Facebook well; Often, he has let cyberbullies and trolls onto the site without knowing it, letting them roam free and threaten people in real life to commit suicide when they become victims of cyberbullying. He also bans people from roleplaying on the site, mainly because they aren't "real people". Facebook violates privacity of other people.



_2. Trolls: http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wik ... nternet%29_


> ....Trolls come in many shapes and form, ranging from the whimsical to the downright malevolent but most share a common goal: to disrupt the lives of others, they especially delight in causing mischief within online communities and are seen by many as a scourge on their sites (although some sites encourage trolls, these sites see trolling as a subculture rather than a sin)....



_3. Bullies: http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Bully_


> Type of Bullies:
> 
> Lunch Money Thief: The Bullys will Punch at the Kid to Blackmail to Need a Money to make the Kid Staving to Death
> Namecalling: Some Bullys will can use the Namecalling like: Jackass, *Your Fav Characters* is Dead, You Suck Sh!thead and Others
> Cyber-Bullies: The Cyber-Bullies is keep messing the Users and Killing Everyone to Comment Suicide



_4. The United States School System: http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wik ... ool_System_


> Bullying is common, but what is just as bad is some noteable bullies get away scott-free for their actions. This is because of the leadership of certain School systems that make America look like a cruel dictatorship....



_5. Cyberbullies: http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Cyberbullies_


> Cyberbullies are bullies who use the internet as means of harming people. It often can get really hostile. It is the most commonly done by adolescents and younger adults. In most states; they have laws against cyberbullying. One typical example of cyberbullying is Happy Slapping in which a person is attacked and the attack is filmed on a mobile phone. This part isn't cyberbullying but then the attack is uploaded onto a computer often to victims as a threat.


----------



## Carlson (Feb 12, 2014)

...privacity?


----------



## NobleGreyHorse (Feb 12, 2014)

Carlson said:
			
		

> ...privacity?



You know, the privacy of your stomach acid content. Duh!


----------



## Varis (Feb 12, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> So I was following some drama about Moleman9000, until I came across this wiki which Moleman9000 was tardraging in there. Initially, I just brush it off as some stupid wiki, but one closer look revealed how terribly hilarious and lulzy the wiki is. I bring to you... the *Real Life Villains Wiki *. You thought that this wiki is got to do with villains that got to do with real life? Hahaha, no.



*Ilovemugen94*


> ilovemugen94 is a user on Youtube, on Wikia Datbase and on Deviantart. He is a troll of mugen community, he never stops trolling Theiransonic and his fans.



*Bob Chipman*


> Bob Chipman, aka Movie Bob, is a film critic. He bashes and hates on The Expendables film series mainly because of it beating out Scott Pilgrim vs. The World at the box office. He also hates The Expendables 2 and considers it to be one of the worst movies of 2012. He even hates the action and the actors and says that people who like The Expendables series should be ashamed of themselves for not seeing Scott Pilgrim instead and for liking The Expendables in general.



*4chan cliquebases*


> 4chan is a site known for groups and organizations who cause havoc around the internet. There are multiple examples, many of which commit crimes in real life also. *An example is a select group of bronies who have in some cases commit bestiality against real horses and members usually hate those who dislike My Little Pony.* 4chan is the troll capital of the internet. Porn is commonly distributed by users of this site to sites like wikia even to unsuspecting minors, and many of wikia trolls come from this site, some have probably come on RLVW also.



Aww. There is a category for JERKS and Satan is on it. That's precious.


----------



## José Mourinho (Feb 13, 2014)

Just added, Apparently a fucking *Suicide Letter* deserves an article on the Real Life Villains Wiki.

http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Suicide_Letter


----------



## caffeinated_wench (Feb 13, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> Just added, Apparently a fucking *Suicide Letter* deserves an article on the Real Life Villains Wiki.
> 
> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Suicide_Letter


While it does offer a hotline and has some encouragement, why is it a VILLAIN?

Can a letter even BE a villain?


----------



## José Mourinho (Feb 13, 2014)

caffeinated_wench said:
			
		

> Alan Pardew said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well, apparently it does according to the wiki, since it's under the category of *"Villainous Item"*.


----------



## extreme_misfortune (Feb 13, 2014)

I had an Argentinian online friend who I considered a lolcow. We got along great at first but as I aged and matured he sort of didn't.
Just a short list of things he did:
-Always did the exact opposite of what I said and then complained when it didn't work out.
-Developed a gay crush on me and was not subtle about it at all.
-"Ironically" sprouted memes over and over, daily.
-chimped out when I called him CWC.
-Flaunts about how his father owns several factories and is a powerful figure in Argentina. Also chimps out when I call his dad a crimeboss.
-Has autism.
So yeah he was fun until I cut ties with him. I wish I knew more lolcows, personally, but this is all I got.


----------



## caffeinated_wench (Feb 13, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> caffeinated_wench said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's dumb.


----------



## Picklepower (Feb 13, 2014)

So real life villains= bad things?


----------



## extreme_misfortune (Feb 13, 2014)

The scariest part of Silent Hill 2 for me was Mary's Letter. And what a wicked letter it was.


----------



## Varis (Feb 13, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> So real life villains= bad things?


Apparently. HIV has an article, too.


----------



## Carlson (Feb 13, 2014)

I wonder when we're going to get an article on "When Your Balls Get Squished Between Your Thighs When Moving Your Legs."


----------



## MysticMisty (Feb 13, 2014)

Picklepower said:
			
		

> So real life villains= bad things?


More like "THINGS I DON'T LIKE FOR SOME SPERG REASON!!!!!!!!!!!"


----------



## Munna (Feb 13, 2014)

New poster here, but longtime lurker. I have to post about this guy my mother knows. I just have to. I shall call him "DW."

So my mother writes romance e-books, and she keeps running into this one particular author: DW

DW at first makes you believe that he is a man who has worked his way up from nothing and has become the successful author (and casanova) he is today. In reality, he is an ex-pimp who sold underaged girls, got arrested, wrote a book in prison, and is now making up to *25k a month* off of his garbage.

So you must be thinking, "Damn, if he's making that much money, his writing must be good, right?" Wrong. His books have titles like, "Cum in my Mouth" and "Red-Bottom Bitches", all classified as urban fiction/street lit, and sometimes even romance.   Thus how my mother knows him.

Another thing worth mentioning is that most of the stuff he makes his money off of isn't even his own work. He has several "authoresses" working for him, who all seem to believe that they are getting a great deal working under his publishing company. Note that these books are sold at 99 cents a piece, most of which is going to Amazon.com and DW. So these women are basically making seven cents per book sold. He's still pimping, basically.

Sadly, the absolute worst things I know about him are things that he told my mother through Facebook PMs in an attempt to collaborate with her, which I don't want to say on here because he might find this thread. (He googles his own name, which is why I only mentioned his initials. But if you wanted to, I'm sure you could easily figure out who he is.   )

Honestly, there is so much I could write about this guy, it's ridiculous. I've almost considered writing an ED article about him, but it would probably come across as being too tryhard.


----------



## José Mourinho (Feb 13, 2014)

http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Heng_Swee_Keat

Here's another stupid one and just in.  About a Singaporean who is being oppressive and mean in the education department.


----------



## Pine Tar (Feb 15, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Heng_Swee_Keat
> 
> Here's another stupid one and just in.  About a Singaporean who is being oppressive and mean in the education department.



Is he COLD-HEARTED too?

Seriously, Alan, keep this up. These articles are golden.


----------



## RetardBus (Feb 15, 2014)

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Nickelo ... :Home_Page

On the topic of lulzy wikis, the Nickelodeon Fanon Wiki is a definitely a site that screams autism. It's the gathering ground of a bunch of Nickelodeon-obsessed spergs who create their own extremely spergy made up Nickelodeon television series and video games, and behave as if they were real. These "ideas" for TV series and games they have make absolutely no sense and often are filled with random copyrighted characters that have nothing to do with Nickelodeon, complete with hilarious MS Paint "artwork." Almost everything I have read on this wiki is bad enough that I wondered if it was all written by a very clever troll at first. As you'd imagine, the exceptional individuals who edit this wiki are just as lulzy as the content they put onto the web.

Around more than half a year ago, me and two Steam friends got bored and decided we were going to vandalize the fuck out of this wiki just for shits and giggles, but none of us were expecting much of a reaction. The Nick Fanon Wiki went absolutely nuts, angrily discussing us on the wiki and trying to find out where we came from, and even at one point asked us if we were from a "rival wiki."  I should mention that it took them over an entire day to revert any of our edits.

From what I can tell, that was definitely not the first time the Nick Fanon Wiki have gotten trolled. There was apparently this guy named LT Fan who went to much greater lengths to vandalize the wiki, and pissed them off enough that they made him into the main villain of almost all of the "TV series" they've come up with. Other groups of people have also vandalized their wiki anonymously in the past, so much so that the "wikia contributors" occasionally appear as antagonists in their spergy TV show and video game ideas.


----------



## Anus (Feb 15, 2014)

I found out about some guy called ShadowShrinkee on another forum. He hates Let's Plays. A lot.


----------



## extreme_misfortune (Feb 15, 2014)

PickleGuy said:
			
		

> I found out about some guy called ShadowShrinkee on another forum. He hates Let's Plays. A lot.



Then I take it this "other forum" is SomethingAwful.


----------



## Carlson (Feb 15, 2014)

extreme_misfortune said:
			
		

> PickleGuy said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It's Frequently Questioned Answers, actually. I lurk around there, and some guy made an entire thread about ShadowShrinkee a while back. 

I know it's FQA because PickleGuy has been consistently posting screencaps from their Worst of Social Justice thread in our SJW thread, so I know he at least lurks around there.


----------



## darkhorse816 (Feb 16, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Heng_Swee_Keat
> 
> Here's another stupid one and just in.  About a Singaporean who is being oppressive and mean in the education department.




Looks like somebody isn't doing well in school. Granted, the Singaporean K-12 school system is hard (I'm an American who lives there, and I have many friends who actually had to go through this. There are a lot of entrance tests and shit. It's rigorous).

But this guy recently got elected, and the school system was like that before, I think. The same person posted another article about a church founder in Singapore that embezzled money to support his wife's singing career, which I heard about.

Who knows? Maybe I'll run into this guy.


----------



## José Mourinho (Feb 16, 2014)

http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Anti-Bronies

Get ready for some laughs everyone, one of the stupidest suggestions on the waiting list is finally here!


----------



## Watcher (Feb 16, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Anti-Bronies
> 
> Get ready for some laughs everyone, one of the stupidest suggestions on the waiting list is finally here!


Alan Pardew alerted me that adding Chris to that list ends up getting the page reverted.

But he's worse than Hitler


----------



## A-Stump (Feb 16, 2014)

Another gem from my retarded aunt on Facebook, let's read shall we...


cant even in words say what I just found out.. I am SHOCKED and want to tell and let my friends and family be made aware so they can make sure their children are safe!!! Angelica stayed home from school today and thank GOD she did. Because she was on her ipod playing a game called talking angela, which is similar to talking tom, anyway as she is sitting next to me this interactive cat says to her hi angelica where is your brother? She says o hes right here next to me the cat says o cool, then the cat says so what do you do for fun? Ang says I dont know, (now im being quiet and listening because I think its weird this angela cat knows she has a brother and is talking to her like a person) then its voice changes and in some weird robotic voice it says angelica when u date what do u do on your dates? She looked at me got red in the face and said nothing, then it said stick out your touunge, ill stick mine out too, it said what are some things u can do with your tounge? I can find many things to do with my tounge it said it said lets intrract w our toungues. I that point I had heard enough I zaid ang shut it off now! I was freaked out called the police departnrnt they came to the house saif they would have the internet investigations unit andpedofile investigations unit look into it, they called me an hour latet and said something is behind that cat!!! They dont know if it is local or over seas. While the police officer was there and ang was talking to him she told the police officer saturday night her cousin and her were on the app w angela and it asked the girls their names what her brothers name was what school they BOTH went to, and it took a picture of angelica!!! This is under serious investigation right now! When I googled talking angela I cant even begin to tell you what creepy stuff came up! Google it for yourselves please!! But some things are the cat asking girls for their phone numbers! And if theyve had their firat kiss!!! Take this app off your phone please! Theres a big chance thid cpuld be a door for pedofiles.the police said they have seen thing *like* this but never actually through a childs app but that they are not putting it past them! The girls told angela the cat on saturday their names and she had a brother and then on monday morning when angelica turned the app back on, It remebered her name and that she had a brother!!! These things ARENT supposed to ask you questions!!! and especially not questions about dating toungues or kissing!! I am disgusted! I dont feel safe at all right now! Knowing that there was some creep talking to my daughter and my neice through a talking app!!! Please if you have this app or any like it the police are saying take it off of your phone!!! Copy and share and send out PLEASE! This word needs to spread! I pray the ocean county investigators can crack this thing open!!!!!

Fucking lol'd so hard at 'pedofile investigation unit'


----------



## Carlson (Feb 16, 2014)

I'm trying so hard to read that but after about 5 seconds my eyes kinda just wander off the page.

Edit: http://www.snopes.com/computer/internet/angela.asp


----------



## darkhorse816 (Feb 16, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:
			
		

> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Anti-Bronies
> 
> Get ready for some laughs everyone, one of the stupidest suggestions on the waiting list is finally here!



One of the categories the Anti-Bronies fall into on the wiki are "Child Abusers."


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## A-Stump (Feb 16, 2014)

Carlson said:
			
		

> I'm trying so hard to read that but after about 5 seconds my eyes kinda just wander off the page.
> 
> Edit: http://www.snopes.com/computer/internet/angela.asp



She constantly posts shit like that. Two seconds in Google and you'd see it was a sham. Then again if you can't tell it was a sham from the beautifully wrought warning, you're probably mentally ill...

The funny thing is I always show up on her statuses and just rip into her. No shame about it because she really is probably the dumbest person I've ever known.


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## sparklemilhouse (Feb 16, 2014)

So. One of my fb friends who was a professor at the community college I went to and worked at has had a mental breakdown? I think? I think she was fired from her job? She's been really vague? Maybe her husband cheated on her? 

She invited me to this page tonight:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/I-HATE-C ... fan_invite

(if you can't see it, let me know i have caps)

I thought this was a new page about how much she hated her husband now? but ... she's had it running since 2011?

Everything is ending in a question mark here. I'm 2 seconds away from unfriending her. ]P

//edit//

I called her out on it, and asked her what the hell this was, and she said that its a joke page made by his bff. hmm.


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## Varis (Feb 17, 2014)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> So. One of my fb friends who was a professor at the community college I went to and worked at has had a mental breakdown? I think? I think she was fired from her job? She's been really vague? Maybe her husband cheated on her?
> 
> She invited me to this page tonight:
> 
> ...


I can't access the page, but am really curious now.


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## José Mourinho (Feb 17, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:
			
		

> Alan Pardew said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And now "Nazis". 

Also, just added in the "Bullies" page, this time about pet killing but barely to do with real life in the example:


> Pet Killing: When the Bullies got the Good Kids Pets (Dogs and Cats) the Bullies will Kill it so Painful and then the Kid was Crying that the Bullies kill that Pet (ex: in Elfen Lied The Bullies is Kill Kaede's Puppie Really Brutal)



EDIT: http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wik ... Jon_Watson 

Some crap villain/troll I don't care about.


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## Daario Naharis (Feb 22, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:
			
		

> Alan Pardew said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You know, if you wanna bitch about them bullying you fine. Be my fucking guest. But...



> which can have the effect of scaring or scarring younger fans who comonly watch these shows



Yes. Unlike all the porn/fetish art that will almost always pop up on a Google Image search of one of the main characters names.

So, looking at this Real Life Villians wiki... Is it basically just a way for people to bitch about people they don't personally like?


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## c-no (Feb 22, 2014)

Daario Naharis said:
			
		

> darkhorse816 said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Possibly, then again they have a brony page as well.
http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Bronies
Doesn't excuse the fact that it could be a way of complaining about people they don't personally like.


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## Carlson (Feb 22, 2014)

Daario Naharis said:
			
		

> Yes. Unlike all the porn/fetish art that will almost always pop up on a Google Image search of one of the main characters names.



Surprisingly, searching "Pinkie Pie" doesn't turn up porn until the fourth row. So just looking at what's immediately on screen, you won't see it.


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## José Mourinho (Feb 25, 2014)

Here's a background info about the history of "bronies and anti-bronies" on the Real Life Villains Wiki for those who are interested: (This is from what I see)

1. It all started with this.
It all started with this article. Yes, back then there was an article about *bronies*. But far better. The article was then changed to "4chan cliquebases" by a butthurt user, and there we have drama on this article. Blanking of pages, vandalism, you name it. 

And then, the article is now dumbed down to this.

2. Anti-Bronies finally have their own article.
This one is recently created by Cpend7, but then there's an edit war between Cpend7 and a certain editor. 





The page is now locked.

3. And finally, we have the latest Bronies article.
This one you're seeing right now, caused another edit war (blanking articles, actually) between Moleman9000 and the original creator (The Master's Voice).

3.1 ResonX (a.k.a. Moleman9000)blanked the page, because _reasons are obvious_.
3.2 ResonX reverted his revert, with the reason _Page is extremely blatant bashing_.
3.3 ResonX in true butthurt fashion, moved the page to "Rapid" Bronies. Fortunately, it didn't last long.

Throughout this, there was huge drama:
1. This is how the "Bronies" article was created by The Master's Voice.
2. _Why would a harmless subculture be considered evil? - ResonX_
3. DELETE THIS PAGE NOW NOW NOW!!!
4. How dare he made highly objectionable statements about bronies???? HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS!!!
5. How ResonX responds to a constructive and harmless post: One-liner that says "*Get this through your head, Master's Voice: Anti-fandom is wrong. Period. *
6. ResonX compares bronies to religious people. No srsly. And don't link furries with bestiality or else you're a bigot!
7. ResonX requests ban on The Master's Voice. Later settled.

Moar coming soon.


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## PandaHalo333 (Feb 25, 2014)

Kotakoti, Pixyteri and pretty much anyone in the human doll community. They can be creepy sometimes, but also quite hilarious when you read about the drama that surrounds them. Or the fact that they would go through the stress to photoshop every single photo of themselves.


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## UnwiseKhan (Feb 26, 2014)

Not going to go into too much detail, since it would get a little too close to personal information, but here goes:

I go to one of the Big Ten universities, and for the last few weeks some rather odd posters have been showing up. They start out talking about the possibility of a "universal verbal language" that taps into some underlying part of our brain, and then asks why it isn't being taught in schools. Their reason? All teachers and other members of "the establishment" are lineal descendants of the Pope and inquisition responsible for imprisoning Galileo. After the usual "do you _really_ believe everything they tell you?", the letter finishes up with the person's name, student email, and link to this website: http://www.universalverballanguage.org/

What takes this into, or close to, lolcow territory is their reaction to the posters being torn down. Where most whackjobs would just ignore it and put up another one, they write out a note threatening the party they believe to be responsible and tape it up next to the new poster. Most recently these threats have been directed against the president of the university and his "underlings", claiming that they are unable to come up with an intelligent response and resort to tearing down the posters of the opposition.


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## Backwards Harvester (Feb 26, 2014)

PhysicianPhallus said:
			
		

> Not necessarily a lolcow, but I'm monitoring on Tumblr that may result in a good one. Apparently, there is this Homestuck cosplayer in California that has done some very illegal things at conventions, and the drama is starting to mount.



Kind of cute.   She doesn't look all that bad.


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## Android raptor (Feb 26, 2014)

So one time I was looking up the town I was born in, and I found a woman who appears to be the glorious union of an SJW, an Alex Jones-ish conspiracy nut, and a conservative Christian. I've only watched a few of her videos so far, but they're pretty golden.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCe20NJkQIc
There aren't enough books written by non-white people in my local supermarket!!!11! I'm gonna file a lawsuit!11! (also Danielle Steele is apparently a witch who uses witchcraft to break up families)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JlL9qpFrQU
I know my TRUE and HONEST heritiju is a black market baby stolen by my German spy mom I JUST KNOW IT.

http://youtu.be/0wb7Pm5gUmo
Hooters being in the vicinity of certain other businesses = the place where the ELITES have sex with WHORES and then murder them and roll their bodies in carpet. Also, Hooters in owned by the Illuminati.


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## TopperHay (Mar 3, 2014)

I've mentioned this guy a few times here, most prevelantly on the Draw Horrible DA Abominations thread. His DA name is Urvy1A and in the space of two months he's gone from a harmless weirdo to just plain creepy and unlikeable. He's done many idiotic things in the past but these are the two incidents that cemented his lolcow status for me...

His "harmless weirdo" phase was exactly that, just constantly shoehorning in his Mary Sue OC's into every single Livestream conversation. If you mentioned what you had for lunch he would list his characters favourite food. If you mentioned what your favourite colour was, his OC just looooves that colour! Anything and everything you mentioned became his OC's favourite thing. It got annoying after a while so we eventually told him to stop the shoehorning and to be fair, he did stop for a while. But soon after, he threw a huge shit-fit just because one of my friends unfriended him from Facebook. He asked my friend why he did that so he sent Urv' a private message tactfully telling him why he was unfriended. So what did Urvy do? Did he think about his behaviour and attempt to modify it in the future? No, he posted the PM publicly on his DA journal and threatened to kill himself. Because ONE person unfriended him on Facebook. I'd like to mention at this point that he will be 29 years old this year.

About a month after this, I was on another friends Livestream. We were about an hour and a half into it and Urvy shows up and pretty much asks for a sketch request straight away. My friend politley told him that because he'd only just arrived, he'd have to wait his turn for a request and that whoever asked before him would get their requests first. The then proceeded to throw another tantrum about how it wasn't fair and that it wasn't his fault that he missed the stream as he had to go shopping and that he was jealous of everyone else for getting sketches and he wasn't. He also kept bringing up the previous incident even though he said he'd moved on. My friend had to close the stream early because of Urvy's behaviour and I don't really blame her.

tl;dr 29 year old man acts like a 13 year old girl.


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## hm yeah (Mar 3, 2014)

Android raptor said:
			
		

> So one time I was looking up the town I was born in, and I found a woman who appears to be the glorious union of an SJW, an Alex Jones-ish conspiracy nut, and a conservative Christian. I've only watched a few of her videos so far, but they're pretty golden.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCe20NJkQIc
> There aren't enough books written by non-white people in my local supermarket!!!11! I'm gonna file a lawsuit!11! (also Danielle Steele is apparently a witch who uses witchcraft to break up families)
> ...



watched that vid about Hooters, and I can 9000% guarantee you that this woman is a paranoid schizophrenic on par with Lena Kochman (who has a zillion youtube accounts and a googolplex of short videos). If you search "gang stalking" and "targeted individuals", and "organized harassment" and spend enough time in that creepy little world, you'll see just how consistent paranoid schizophrenia is. They have their own lexicon, their own specific patterns, and the same problems with one-mindedness and extreme self-centeredness. Not to mention their obsession with "society's obsession" with genitals (especially the TI's), sex, and persecution of women and minorities in general.


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## hm yeah (Mar 3, 2014)

someone put this cartoon screenshot up in DMW's circle of weirdos to jerk off over.

Has Mickey Mouse been ruined for you yet?

(whatif someone wrote a creepypasta about this image years later)


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## Varis (Mar 4, 2014)

Hot.

Furaffinity ruined Mickey for me quite a while ago.


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## DykesDykesChina (Mar 4, 2014)

In my city, there lives a guy - let's call him M - who has many trappings of a LOLcow. He combines a grand number of characteristics of CWC as well as ADF.

M is unemployed and   -subsisting; in his case justifiedly though, as he's physically disabeled: He's spastic. While not confined to a wheelchair - M can walk, or rather hobble along at a slow pace - he's definitely unable to do any kind of physical work. Intellectual work is even more out of the question: M isn't autistic or anything but VERY VERY STUPID.

So how does he spend his time?

Like ADF, M is fascinated by politics. He has been a member of a number of political organizations and parties: The German Bro... um, Pirate Party, Die Linke (the Socialist Party) as well as some conservative movements. M seems to be of a multi-partisan mind, or maybe he doesn't really care about political ideas as long as he's somehow involved with politics.

Concerning his own political aims, well, they're sorta hard to pinpoint. Usually, he gives long rambling speaches on politics that make you fall asleep after a few sentences, and which culminate in him pushing some rather unusual viewpoints, such as that there should be communal singing in all parliaments to strengthen the spirits of politicians.

Nonetheless, M actually once got elected to a local city council.

M is also an inventor. When suffering from "nerve inflammation" in his arm, he pushed a tuning fork against it and the inflammation died down. According to M, this was because the fork created "positive frequencies" or something. He actually tried to patent this miracle cure.

When not holding tuning forks against his body or campaigning for parliamentary sing-alongs, M is usually drunk. He is known to hobble around the city and asking people to invite him for a beer. Those who have done this have stopped to do so by now because getting M drunk has... unpleasant consequences.

As soon as M has the least amount of alcohol in his system, his understanding of physical boundaries disappears (not that it is very developed when he's sober). Being bisexual (and of course very vocal about it), he will get extremely touchy-gropy-creepy with any member of Homo Sapiens nearby.

I was once the victim of this. I spend New Year's 2012/13 at a pub in town and had the misfortune of being the object of drunk M's attention. First he babbled at me about his political views for what seemed to be a billion years. Then, when we went outside to see the fireworks, I could sense him creeping closer and closer and closer. I would take a step ahead, M would take a step in the same direction to creep up behind me. This went on for some minutes. When he began to rub against my arm, I roared at him in a very loud voice which finally made him stop. It was fucking disgusting!!  :x 

When drunk and horny, M's face will have an expression very similar to ADF's in that grape jelly pic. It has been speculated that ADF intended to insert the jelly jar into his butt. Whatever ADF's plans were when he had this expression - with M the meaning has become very clear to everyone who has had to do with him. It means: "I AM HORNY AND DRUNK AND I WILL GROPE YOU BECAUSE I WANT TO!"

M is not always in a grinny mood though. Very often, he will babble to people about his spastic disability in a little whiny voice and, of course, creep closer and closer while doing so. This has not earned him much sympathy.

For a while, M used to be horribly smelly too. He probably didn't bathe at all for many days, but at least in this respect he has improved - nowadays, you cannot smell him from twenty meters away (which admittedly has also its disadvantages).

So, what is he up to now? Well, luckily I don't know. Today, I saw him at a laundromat, where, once again, there was this ADF-grin all over his face. I went away as fast as I could. Since New Year's 12/13 I know how Megan must have felt. PROTIP: Extremely unpleasant.


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## hm yeah (Mar 4, 2014)

Varis said:
			
		

> Furaffinity ruined Mickey for me quite a while ago.



Actually I was under the impression there was no weird Mickey Mouse porn waiting to jump out at you in regular google searches (searchng for furniture with safesearch on still gets you furry porn fsr) and that there aren't millions of MIckey & friends recolors.

Which is  a little bit weird, cttoi. It took Sanic to bring out all the recolorists and yiffers. Not Mickey.

Or maybe the difference is the internet being available for said recoloring yiffers, idk.


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## Varis (Mar 5, 2014)

DykesDykesChina said:


> Nonetheless, M actually once got elected to a local city council.


HOW. 



hm yeah said:


> Actually I was under the impression there was no weird Mickey Mouse porn waiting to jump out at you in regular google searches (searchng for furniture with safesearch on still gets you furry porn fsr) and that there aren't millions of MIckey & friends recolors.
> 
> Which is  a little bit weird, cttoi. It took Sanic to bring out all the recolorists and yiffers. Not Mickey.
> 
> Or maybe the difference is the internet being available for said recoloring yiffers, idk.


It only took a single picture to make me scream "mah chilehood".  Disney comics are very popular in some European countries, however, and I can see why some of the Italian characters could be considered attractive. Then there's Kingdom Hearts, of course. I'm not sure if I want to make that search.


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## Connor Bible (Mar 7, 2014)

So, for the past several months on Facebook, I have been repeatedly harassed and borderline-cyberstalked. All of this started when an acquaintance suggested that I chat with her. As soon as I messaged Emi-San, she immediately declared me "her soulmate", and went on to say that I was "the Godly man" that she has been looking for so desperately. I thought it was cute, but it quickly became disturbing. Every hour of every day, she would constantly message me, calling me "pookie" and incessantly asking when we can have our first date. She even posted a meme photo of me and her together, which served as the final straw.

I have continuously asked Emi-San to stop messaging me on Facebook, but she is unfettered in her quest to have me as her lover. In addition to this, her photo albums are packed to the brim with photos of her profoundly obese self, as well as a few videos of atrocious singing. It gets crazier. A simple search of her on Facebook will turn up over a dozen accounts. _A dozen. I shit you not._


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## CatParty (Mar 7, 2014)

not really a lolcow as much as your own problem.


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## Connor Bible (Mar 7, 2014)

Just watch the videos of her singing....

She's over 25 years of age, and still lives with her mother, as well.


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## Oglooger (Mar 7, 2014)

>I have been repeatedly harassed and borderline-cyberstalked by a girl named Emily Cole, or as I like to call her, Emi-San

Go be her oni-chan :3c


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## Null (Mar 7, 2014)

I've merged this thread into the Personal Lolcow thread.


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## Connor Bible (Mar 7, 2014)

^Thanks.


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## Connor Bible (Mar 7, 2014)

Oglooger said:


> >I have been repeatedly harassed and borderline-cyberstalked by a girl named Emily Cole, or as I like to call her, Emi-San
> 
> Go be her oni-chan :3c


I'm not sure who or what oni-chan is...


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## exball (Mar 7, 2014)

Connor said:


> I'm not sure who or what oni-chan is...


I think it means big brother or something along those lines.


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## Connor Bible (Mar 7, 2014)

I googled it and found hentai.


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## CatParty (Mar 7, 2014)

Connor said:


> I googled it and found hentai.




that happens with all google searches


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## Connor Bible (Mar 7, 2014)

CatParty said:


> that happens with all google searches


True.


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## Saney (Mar 7, 2014)

Connor said:


> So, for the past several months on Facebook, I have been repeatedly harassed and borderline-cyberstalked. All of this started when an acquaintance suggested that I chat with her. As soon as I messaged Emi-San, she immediately declared me "her soulmate", and went on to say that I was "the Godly man" that she has been looking for so desperately. I thought it was cute, but it quickly became disturbing. Every hour of every day, she would constantly message me, calling me "pookie" and incessantly asking when we can have our first date. She even posted a meme photo of me and her together, which served as the final straw.
> 
> I have continuously asked Emi-San to stop messaging me on Facebook, but she is unfettered in her quest to have me as her lover. In addition to this, her photo albums are packed to the brim with photos of her profoundly obese self, as well as a few videos of atrocious singing. It gets crazier. A simple search of her on Facebook will turn up over a dozen accounts. _A dozen. I shit you not._



I removed the link to her facebook page, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be posting it here, or giving her real name. Can't you block her or something? Is that an option that facebook has?


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## Connor Bible (Mar 7, 2014)

I did block her account(s), but frankly, she keeps popping up. It's like whack-a-mole.


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## A-Stump (Mar 7, 2014)

Connor said:


> I'm not sure who or what oni-chan is...



An oni is a Japanese demon, onii-chan is an affectionate endearment toward an older brother.  It's been used in a lot of rather unfortunate anime lately. By unfortunate I mean really incestuous and shameless.


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## exball (Mar 7, 2014)

CatParty said:


> that happens with all google searches


This is true. I once found Catparty's erotic squid hat photos.


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## Pickle Man (Mar 7, 2014)

On a wrestling site I visited, there two member who are somewhat lolcow-ish.

First is a person who I'd call D.  D is a 29 year old "transgender" brony whom has a weird obession with Rarity, think Lady Gaga is the devil, boycott the Simpsons when Lady Gaga was a guest voice, calming she the reason why the Simpsons now suck, a wannable critic whom review shitty/old cartoon, like to throw drama fit over stupid shit, threw a epic tardrage fit when the creator behind Botchamania say he wouldn't uses  MLP footage in Botchamania ever.

The second is a TNA wrestling fanboy whom defend every dumbass decision by the company, (He defended TNA for letting a drug out Jeff Hardy "wrestle" Sting on PPV) threw fits when people don't worship up the company and got ban a couple times from the TNA subforum because of it.  He tone it down alot this year mostly because people don't put up with his shit anymore.


----------



## Panzerkampfpony (Mar 11, 2014)

Francis E. Dec Esc. said:


> Some guy on a gun form I frequent left this pile of schizophrenia on every single board:


Aren't there 350 million people in America? were would they find another 350 million to listen in on them? 

Also "monster energy drink" how is drinking processed piss gonna stop the NSA/illuminati?


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## Varis (Mar 12, 2014)

Connor said:


> I have continuously asked Emi-San to stop messaging me on Facebook, but she is unfettered in her quest to have me as her lover. In addition to this, her photo albums are packed to the brim with photos of her profoundly obese self, as well as a few videos of atrocious singing. It gets crazier. A simple search of her on Facebook will turn up over a dozen accounts. _A dozen. I shit you not._


Why does she have so many accounts? Has she been repeatedly banned, or does she just make a new one whenever someone blocks her?

Also, is she an otaku? Or did you just nickname her Emi-San?


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## Connor Bible (Mar 12, 2014)

I don't know exactly why she has so many accounts. And yes, I nicknamed her Emi-San.


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## Globe (Mar 12, 2014)

Okay, hopefully people won't see this as me trying to bring drama from another forum over to this one. It's just that this kinda lulzy thing involving another person that was here on the cwcki forums happened to me somewhere else, and I figured I'd share it. If mods feel like this post crosses a line or something, feel free to delete it. I'm going to spoiler everything after this, because a lot of it involves religion, so y'know...don't read if that doesn't interest you. Or do. Whatever makes you happy.



Spoiler



Does anybody here remember MetroidJunkie? If not, here's a brief recap; he was active on this forum this past fall and gained a reputation for derailing threads because of his tendency to post really ignorant/poorly-informed/inflammatory things in cases where they weren't, or were just barely, relevant. A couple of his more memorable gaffes are things like "Darwin himself said macro-evolution is wrong", "you can support yourself on a fast-food worker's salary", and the ever-present "it takes faith to be an atheist".

In any event, he recently joined another forum I frequent. Of course I left him alone, but it didn't take him long to start shit-spigoting over there too. He popped into a thread that discussed suicide (not too much unlike the one we've got here in deep thoughts) and wound up saying something to the effect of "atheists are more likely to commit suicide because they don't value life as much."

Totally outta left-field and everything. It naturally sparked a huge slap-fight between him and a few other members that drug on for a little over a page, the end of which involved MetroidJunkie using the Watchmaker analogy and a bunch of rare-earth nonsense to "prove" that there was a creator with, as you could probably guess, absolutely zero discussion of suicide.

I really wasn't interested in the argument he'd started. It was probably a bit ween of me, but I posted in the thread just to tell him that I'd recognized his handle from here and that it was a bit disappointing to see that (essentially) getting run off of this forum hadn't taught him anything about keeping shit like that to himself. To his credit, he more or less let the argument drop there, but PM'ed this to me...







...yeah. Well, we wound up shooting a little over a dozen PM's back and forth with topics ranging from suicide to secularism to Republics vs. Democracies (I don't fuckin' know, man) and eventually evolution and creation. His arguments got sillier and more obviously regurgitated as time went on, and towards the end he just stopped making sense altogether. I'm no expert on the whole science vs. creation argument, but I've heard a lot of creationist talking points and knew how to respond to them, so he eventually gave up, but not before dropping some absolute gems that I really wasn't expecting to hear outside of a Dominionist rally. Here's a few of them - -

* Any nation that institutes secularism will collapse because only god can give people civil rights
* Everyone misinterpreted what the founding fathers meant regarding church-state separation
* Atheists have no "moral law"
* Evolution is bad because Social Darwinism and Hitler and Stalin
* College Professors are mocking religion and religious people and no one's doing anything about it (asked for a source on this. Never got it.)
* The Fossil Record isn't reliable because transitions
* If it seems complex, god did it
* Human beings can't trust their own judgement because our thoughts are just electrical pulses

I don't expect to hear back from the dude after my last PM, though now he seems to be keeping his theological/political opinions in relevant threads, so job done, I guess. Either way, he's definitely something special. Not a lolcow by any stretch of the imagination, but easily a personal laughingstock for me. The conversation itself is real knee-slapper in some places, so if you want to read it, PM me.


----------



## Stratochu (Mar 12, 2014)

Quick one here: was sitting in a concert venue at a monthly event where there is a band, dancing, discount beer and artisan pizza, and which I make a habit of attending, recently, and after I went to get another beer, went back and sat on a couch, then across from me, sat a young retard smelling of , who removed a PS Vita and 3DS from a backpack, then removed a humongo folder of vidya cartridges, in ignorance of the blues band playing, and tried to get me to give him money for soda and a slice of pizza (that he wouldn't even have liked since it's way different from Pizza Hut or Little Caesars), tried to suck me into his vidya, I didn't care, he followed me once, then his caregiver reigned him in after tard rage and spilling his bottled water on his cartridges, then more tard rage about his cartridges that his caregiver said he would never replace.

My city is full of potential "new Chris-chans", I see at least one every day, this is the most notable I've seen in a while.


----------



## Hodor (Mar 13, 2014)

Not sure if this goes here, or in the tumblr SJW thread.

I (vaguely) know a chick who is a hardcore catholic and SJW (the term "pro-life feminist" is one of the ways she describes herself; which as far as I know is an _oxymoron of the highest caliber_), and makes a mutual friend tag posts on tumblr as 'blasphemy'. Last time I really talked to her, she got really butthurt over some stupid jokes the rest of us made in a group chat- not even sure how. Outside of that, I remember her having a slight hissy fit over an anime showing Joan of Arc as a magical girl for all of... five seconds and having a fit after said mutual friend showed concern that her politics and religion made it impossible to enjoy anything in life (because it _has_ to be the right balance of PC and non-offensive to her religion, otherwise it's blasphemy and/or problematic). Any time I really talk to her or see logs of skype convos, I either laugh or start banging my head against the wall.

The funny/sad thing is, when I first met her a few years back, she wasn't really any of this. A bit SJW-y and pretentious, sure, but not to the degree like now. Goes to show how toxic Tumblr's SJ crowd can be, I guess.


----------



## hm yeah (Mar 13, 2014)

if you go digging around in the really early posts of, iirc, the sjw megathread you might find a bigass huge post by me about someone who was an sjw well before it was a thing, and was in fact one of the first people to jump from lj to tumblr. and i ended it with "please don't find this person and prod her, she's incredibly brittle".

she also decided years ago that she wanted male pronouns and was in a relationship with a mtf transgender. she also has a mom who was incredibly abusive and just an awful person, so she was raised by her dad instead (a reasonable man from what little i know of him).

i checked in on her some months ago. she recently had a kid with someone who presumably has a penis, but it's not the mtf person. the infant might be under 6 months now, and cps somehow got involved (a LOT went unsaid, who knows what's actually going on) so our transhero's horrible shitty mother has custody of the poor kid. apparently, from what i was told, in that part of the usa, it was a really serious thing if cps got involved. the kid was actually in danger from shitty parenting.

and my first impressions were that person wasn't as crazy as other sjws. i was expecting her to be extremely far gone, but no, she's miles more reasonable than most of the tumblr crowd, but that's not really saying a lot.

and something about her boyfriend/husband being in involuntary hold or jail or something, icr.

so yeah.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 13, 2014)

The lady that lives down my street called me up excitedly the other day telling me that she won the London lottery and wanting to know if she could borrow money so that she could get the bank to release her 10 million pounds.  She promised to give me $100,000 in compensation if I did.

This makes this about the fifth time I've had to explain "internet scam" to her.  She's previously fallen for people claiming to be Army officers trying to raise money to get home from Afghanistan to see their sick children; missionaries trying to raise money for displaced civilians in Africa; and American aid workers stranded in Japan by tsunamis (and this wasn't in 2011--this was earlier this year.)  No word on whether Nigerian princes are in direct contact with her.

I do my best to run intervention on her actually throwing money at these things because she's a sweet old lady and very naive--but she's been scammed out of money before and I wonder why she keeps falling for these things.


----------



## regularjohn (Mar 13, 2014)

One of my room mates seems to have undiagnosed autism, so hes this 22 year old man with the maturity of a 14 year old. He spends all day in his room doing god knows what and he only comes out to eat. He seems to only be awake from 2pm to 6am, he appears to eat about 5 meals a day, and he lives off his parent's money.

Not only that, but he is absolutely horrible with money. He seems to think that only food he buys is worth the money and any food anyone else buys is a waste of money, so he will often claim that eating at costco is expensive, but buying steak at 20/lb is a-okay. Just the other day he got a small pizza for 20 bucks, so my other room mate and I went out and got a large pizza, 10 chicken wings, 3 large sodas, 4 candy bars, and 2 plates of nachos for the same price, of course he got mad because he claimed we were wasting money. The fun part is that he also owes me 500 dollars, from the various times he wanted tacos or whatever. Every time he pays any amount back, he will immediately borrow twice that amount a couple days later.

Another funny thing is that he keeps acting like hes about to get a girlfriend, like on more than one occasion he has asked if it was okay for one of us to bring a girl home, but the dude is so socially and emotionally inept, I don't see him getting one any time soon. I say this with some amount of certainty because he tried to pick up my 2/10 ex and failed. Also, im pretty sure he doesnt know how to talk to girls, because any time i bring my girlfriend over, he immediately runs and hides in his room. Though just the other day he was talking about how sexy this 16 year old girl looked.

We dont really bring him to social events anymore, because usually when we do, all he does is stand in the back and complain loudly. We cant even go see a movie without him getting pissed off for no apparent reason. I am under the impression that he believes the true key to friendship is silence and awkward stares.

And remember when I said he was immature? Yeah, he spends a good amount of his time awake complaining about things and how the could be done better, he seriously wont get over why my other room mate and I take our shoes off when we enter the house. He'll tell me that I' not comfortable because I'm wearing a jacket. He'll never thank anyone for any gift he receives. And he never ever asks for help, even when its destroying him emotionally, physically, or financially. Plus ever girl he seems to be into is under age.

Okay, sorry for the huge rant, but i really do hate having to put up with him all the time, and its nice to get all this out. In small doses, hes a bit like chris, boring, quiet, but nice. I wouldn't say hes a bad person, not at all, hes just bad at being a person.
Oh, also, my girlfriend noticed the other day that he has a big bottle of baby oil... I wonder what he uses that for?


----------



## RP 520 (Mar 14, 2014)

So there's a guy at my college named Will. Will is your standard run of the mill lolcow. He has an overbearing and sheltering mother, he's overweight, has horrible looking blemishes appear on his face from time to time and reeks of body odor as he never bathes. People who have had the misfortune of being his roommate have said that his stench fills up the room and makes it unbearable (I remember his roommate from a year back used to sleep in the lobby or beg to stay in his friend's dorms from time to time due to this). But those that have bared it have said that his activities tend to consist of watching hentai, facebook stalking and randomly messaging women he's infatuated with, and showering with the purpose of, not bathing, but masturbating.

Of course in public he's off too, he has the hallmarks of aspergers, being annoying and oblivious to all social cues and annoying the living hell out of everyone after a short time. Average to beautiful women dread seeing him as it usually means having no choice but to talk to him and breathe the toxic aura of stench that surrounds him. He usually has a set of his very own "gal-pals" every semester, basically nice (usually freshmen) girls on campus who feel sorry for him and are fed up with him by semesters end, only for another group of oblivious freshmen or transferees discover and feel bad for him, becoming his next set of gal-pals the next semester.

As for stories, the only one I have is apparently some idiots were having sex in their room on the first floor of the dorm and had their window cracked, so you could hear it outside. Some RA's (females) walked by and heard it and stood in a moment of shock and bemusement of the situation and then Will came along and stood there and apparently said: "So do you guys want to listen too?" The RA's were then creeped out and went inside and told a few friends and I about it, which is how I heard.

Oh and hilariously enough, this guy isn't a virgin either, he lost his virginity on campus to a crazy hambeast who could also have a post of her own.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Mar 14, 2014)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> The lady that lives down my street called me up excitedly the other day.



Nope. Man, this is why I don't give my number out to anybody.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 14, 2014)

sparklemilhouse said:


> Nope. Man, this is why I don't give my number out to anybody.



Yeah, I know.  Ordinarily I wouldn't have, but both she and my wife are Filipino, they ran into each other at the store, and they exchanged numbers more as a matter of formality than anything else.  She's a widow and her children never call, so she calls us instead.   It's really sad.


----------



## Drakodan (Mar 14, 2014)

My personal lolcow? Creationists.

I shouldn't really have to go into any great detail.


----------



## BlueSpikeLegend (Mar 14, 2014)

I just like prodding PETA members with Pets, reminding them that if they where "Real" members, they would have killed their pets long ago, as well as killed every single pet they saw anywhere.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Mar 14, 2014)

Two of my personal fictional lolcows are George Costanza and Doug Funnie.


----------



## exball (Mar 14, 2014)

How do you have a fictional lolcow?


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 14, 2014)

exball said:


> How do you have a fictional lolcow?



Just find a fictional character who's stupidity, naivety, and stubborness lead to a pretty funny body of work.  Like A Confederacy of Dunces.  Or Catch-22.  Or Anakin Skywalker.


----------



## autiste (Mar 14, 2014)

BlueSpikeLegend said:


> I just like prodding PETA members with Pets, reminding them that if they where "Real" members, they would have killed their pets long ago, as well as killed every single pet they saw anywhere.


 
I don't think the views of the PETA upper echelon are widely known, their glossy zleb advertising campaigns give them too much mainstream legit. No pets, no meds made from animal products (such as some insulins and HRT) no meat, no preservation programs. PETA are pretty extreme at their core, I doubt the majority that support them realize that.


----------



## MysticMisty (Mar 15, 2014)

Years ago on a Mario/Nintendo forum I met a guy called Terry. Terry claimed to be in his early 20's, but he didn't act like it. Every little thing he didn't like would get him all butthurt, which caused him to be teased (nothing malicious mind you) by some of the members who were supposedly younger than him. Which in turn would make him even more butthurt and the cycle would continue.

At one point Terry had put me in his email contacts. I have no idea why, and I didn't even notice he did until I started getting all these horrible chain letters from him. Really immature sexual ones, too, that I wouldn't expect from someone claiming to be in their 20's. Middle school age perhaps, but not someone as old as him seeing as how they basically boiled down to "penis ROFL!"

I haven't seen Terry in years. I wasn't one of the people who teased him, but I've never liked him and tried to avoid him when possible. That didn't stop Terry from following on Twitter last night. I mentioned it to someone I've known since those days and he confirmed that Terry is not only still as immature as ever, but he's a total creeper now on LLF as well. Or was, he was apparently banned for the creeping (I don't have details of this unfortunately). To quote my friend, Terry is "beyond sick and saving at this point".

Needless to say I blocked him on Twitter.


----------



## Connor Bible (Mar 18, 2014)

That Emily girl is at it again. She added me on Facebook and messaged me... again!


----------



## Mr. 0 (Mar 18, 2014)

Connor said:


> That Emily girl is at it again. She added me on Facebook and messaged me... again!


grab her cock


----------



## telegramsamo (Mar 19, 2014)

Can I use this thread to rant a little about an Autistic man-baby I'm related to? His antics range from stupid to downright malicious. We'll call him Damien because he's been like this since childhood.

His mom (my mom's cousin) has a lot of health problems. She's been in-and-out of the hospital, had more than one major surgery, and has just been told her kidneys are failing. Last week her leg went out, and she's lying on the floor calling for help. Damien walks by, looks at her and says, "I'm not going to help you," and then goes into his room to take a nap. This is what he posted on Facebook while his mom was in the hospital:


Spoiler











That was addressed to the women at Hooters and a local strip club. He pays them to hang out with him and thinks they're going to be his substitute family if something happens to his parents. 

I have so many ridiculous stories and Facebook screen-caps about him. I'll try and post some more another time.


----------



## Varis (Mar 19, 2014)

Connor;
What did her message say? I got the idea that you already blocked her in the past. Did she throw a fit about that?



telegramsamo said:


> His mom (my mom's cousin) has a lot of health problems. She's been in-and-out of the hospital, had more than one major surgery, and has just been told her kidneys are failing. Last week her leg went out, and she's lying on the floor calling for help. Damien walks by, looks at her and says, "I'm not going to help you," and then goes into his room to take a nap.


I wish I had his side of the story before passing judgement, but still, what an asshole!


----------



## Connor Bible (Mar 19, 2014)

Varis said:


> Connor;
> What did her message say? I got the idea that you already blocked her in the past. Did she throw a fit about that?


She didn't even mentioned the blocking. Not at all. She just keeps sending me messages saying "Hello, pookiebear" and the like.


----------



## Varis (Mar 19, 2014)

Connor said:


> She didn't even mentioned the blocking. Not at all. She just keeps sending me messages saying "Hello, *pookiebear*" and the like.


Oh man. That just sent shivers down my spine. D:


----------



## Saney (Mar 19, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> Can I use this thread to rant a little about an Autistic man-baby I'm related to? His antics range from stupid to downright malicious. We'll call him Damien because he's been like this since childhood.
> 
> His mom (my mom's cousin) has a lot of health problems. She's been in-and-out of the hospital, had more than one major surgery, and has just been told her kidneys are failing. Last week her leg went out, and she's lying on the floor calling for help. Damien walks by, looks at her and says, "I'm not going to help you," and then goes into his room to take a nap. This is what he posted on Facebook while his mom was in the hospital:
> 
> ...



What a complete and utter twat.


----------



## telegramsamo (Mar 19, 2014)

Varis said:


> I wish I had his side of the story before passing judgement, but still, what an asshole!



Well, his parent never disciplined him, so he's spoiled and entitled. Add that to the fact that he just straight up does not care about other people's feelings, not even his family's. His parents have to sleep with their wallets under their pillows because he's stolen their money and credit cards numerous times. When his mom was in the hospital the only time he visited her was to ask for money. The only present his mom got for Christmas was $25 from my grandmother, she hid it in a book and planned to buy something from the bookstore with it. Of course, Damien stole it and either wasted it on fast food or lap dances.


----------



## Varis (Mar 20, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> Well, his parent never disciplined him, so he's spoiled and entitled. Add that to the fact that he just straight up does not care about other people's feelings, not even his family's. His parents have to sleep with their wallets under their pillows because he's stolen their money and credit cards numerous times. When his mom was in the hospital the only time he visited her was to ask for money. The only present his mom got for Christmas was $25 from my grandmother, she hid it in a book and planned to buy something from the bookstore with it. Of course, Damien stole it and either wasted it on fast food or lap dances.


Good enough for me! Fuck this guy.


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 3, 2014)

I forgot to mention, that autistic man-baby I'm related to, he's really into holiday "decorating." He once said he was going to take a college course on it, and get a job as a "holiday decorator." He posted this on Facebook the other day:


Spoiler


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Apr 3, 2014)

Omg that's fucking gold. 

I know a guy on Flickr who goes way overboard on decorating for each holiday too. He lives with his mom but I think as a caretaker. I get rubbed the wrong way that people constantly send him stuff. I wonder if he begs for stuff.


----------



## sm0t (Apr 3, 2014)

I know someone who been a personal, IRL lolcow for me for as long as I've known her, which was a very long time.

As a teenager, she was loud, rude, over-entitled, and various other less-than-desirable traits shared with OPL.  Had the typical weeb-spirations like becoming a famous manga-ka/seiyuu/singer/wtfever and didn't make much of an effort, if any, of improving any of the skills required for any of those occupations.  I'd consider her art/drawing skills to be only slightly above those of OPL's, and she didn't have the most pleasant voice to listen to.  She also screamed/flamed at people with opinions that differed from hers, and they could be about literally anything.  At least she had the good sense not to broadcast sensitive information about herself over the Internet.

Few years later I run into her on Facebook, and what is she doing now?  Working at McDs while working towards a degree in fashion design at an AI.  Her occupation?  "Professional cosplayer."


----------



## Varis (Apr 4, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> I forgot to mention, that autistic man-baby I'm related to, he's really into holiday "decorating." He once said he was going to take a college course on it, and get a job as a "holiday decorator." He posted this on Facebook the other day:
> 
> 
> Spoiler


Awww. Bless his heart.


----------



## sea panther (Apr 4, 2014)

SaxyEli was my personal cow before she got leaked on stamrose, and then someone alerted her to it, and she actually wised up enough to lock down everything, though she occasionally makes a moronic post on tumblr. Thread: http://www.staminarose.org/pt/?do=thread&id=4823 <--- an amusing read, has lots of deets and drama on her, and also she actually made an appearance.

She's 400lbs of social justice, ego and ignorance. (She actually bitched on twitter one time because "Khaleesi" is totes a POC, but they had a white girl played her on Game of Thrones!!!) She also freely admits to stealing from places like Sephora and is a dumb piece of shit overall.


----------



## Count groudon (Apr 4, 2014)

sea panther said:


> SaxyEli was my personal cow before she got leaked on stamrose, and then someone alerted her to it, and she actually wised up enough to lock down everything, though she occasionally makes a moronic post on tumblr. Thread: http://www.staminarose.org/pt/?do=thread&id=4823 <--- an amusing read, has lots of deets and drama on her, and also she actually made an appearance.
> 
> She's 400lbs of social justice, ego and ignorance. (She actually bitched on twitter one time because "Khaleesi" is totes a POC, but they had a white girl played her on Game of Thrones!!!) She also freely admits to stealing from places like Sephora and is a dumb piece of shit overall.


Is she physically capable of closing her mouth? Like is that some sort of condition orrrr.....


----------



## Varis (Apr 4, 2014)

Count groudon said:


> Is she physically capable of closing her mouth? Like is that some sort of condition orrrr.....


I want to say goitre, but it's impossible to tell with all that neck fat. She looks like she's struggling to just breathe. I'm so sorry, gurl.

[/suddenly happy to have a BMI of 24]


----------



## sea panther (Apr 4, 2014)

Count groudon said:


> Is she physically capable of closing her mouth? Like is that some sort of condition orrrr.....







Nah, she can close it, she's just obnoxious.


----------



## Iä! Iä! (Apr 4, 2014)

God, her leg-fat has absorbed her knees.


----------



## Broder Daniel (Apr 4, 2014)

I have a friend who is kind of a lolcow for me IRL. He's a little slow-in-the-minds, though very bright in math. Gets words mixed up all the time, and I mean ALL the time. Half the time I don't even know what the hell he's talking about. I wrote book about him and distributed in my school, he was very upset.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Apr 4, 2014)

Saxy isn't lolzy because she's fat--she's lolzy because of her stupid sjw mindset, the shoplifting, and one time she told some girl she was fighting with that she was glad that one of the girls relatives died.

Ah here's my original post about her: http://www.cwckiforums.com/threads/personal-lolcows-what-are-yours.463/page-13#post-36918


----------



## Yawning Bulbasaur (Apr 4, 2014)

sparklemilhouse said:


> Two of my personal fictional lolcows are George Costanza and Doug Funnie.



What is it about Doug that makes him a lolcow to you? Never really watched the show, just curious.

Also this


Spoiler


----------



## numetalborder (Apr 4, 2014)

I shouldn't have clicked that spoiler. Right in the childhood.


----------



## Connor Bible (Apr 4, 2014)

Varis said:


> Oh man. That just sent shivers down my spine. D:


She keeps sending me friend requests even after I block her. It's like Whack-A-Mole.


----------



## Daario Naharis (Apr 4, 2014)

ninjaclown said:


> I shouldn't have clicked that spoiler. Right in the childhood.



I should have taken this seriously before clicking it.


----------



## Connor Bible (Apr 4, 2014)

At the moment, my dear Emi-san has ten FB accounts. Ten of them.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Apr 5, 2014)

THE BEETS AIR FRESHENER. OMG.


----------



## Xarpho (Apr 6, 2014)

sea panther said:


> Nah, she can close it, she's just obnoxious.


Is that a Whataburger logo there?


----------



## c-no (Apr 6, 2014)

Xarpho said:


> Is that a Whataburger logo there?


I can't say. It could be a Wonderwoman necklace for all we know.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 7, 2014)

I know of several. Oh god, where do I begin?

I suppose I'll begin with the story of "Lynn".



Spoiler



So to clarify, Lynn was a girl that started dating one of my best friends in college. When I'd first met her, she seemed nice enough, very pretty, down to earth, liked to collect anything that had to do with cows (oh, irony), had a spectacular singing voice, and overall seemed very nice. 

However as time went by, I'd noticed my best friend (We'll call him Mark) started to change. Now Mark, see, he'd always been very responsible for as long as I'd known him. The year he met Lynn, he was a Resident Assistant in his dorm, did tutoring for the History department, and had a fairly high GPA. After Lynn came into the picture, most of that went to shit (I think the only thing that stuck around for him was that he kept the R.A. position until the end of that year.)

I wasn't the only one to notice, either.  Another one of Mark's childhood friends (we'll call him Brian) actually approached me one night, saying he was worried about the direction Mark was headed. We had both agreed that the entire thing seemed rather messed up, but chalked it up to the fact that this was the first real serious relationship Mark had ever really been in, so it was kind of expected. 

It wasn't long after that that Mark started basically pushing most, if not all of his friends away, myself in particular. No idea as to why, mind you. But there were numerous times where we'd hang out, and Mark would leave his room to go check something, and Lynn, screaming like a fucking banshee, would come flying back into the room, yelling that we all needed to leave, NOW, without any real reason as to why the sudden change. 

Sadly it got to the point where Mark and I didn't hardly talk for almost an entire year because of this shit, mainly because when I'd try to visit or call, Lynn was the one who'd answer, and she'd scream at me that Mark didn't want to talk to me. 

When we did get a chance to talk, he'd confided in me that Lynn really worried him. Apparently she was SUPER baby-obsessed, often puncturing condoms and eventually ended up flunking out of college (and later got a job at Wal-Mart, only to lose it after one DAY.)

In the end, though, she'd ended up running away with Brian, and left Mark in the dust. Last I heard she was working at a gas station, gained roughly 80 pounds, and still tries to dress like she did in college. Mark has improved considerably since she left. 

I still want to punch Brian, though.


----------



## Varis (Apr 7, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> I know of several. Oh god, where do I begin?
> 
> I suppose I'll begin with the story of "Lynn".


Damn, fuck this lady. Also wtf Brian? He saw how crazy she was and still wanted a piece of that?



> (and later got a job at Wal-Mart, only to lose it after one DAY.)


No words. None.


----------



## Foulmouth (Apr 7, 2014)

BRICKS Wangler said:


> all he does is rhyme and do heroin


 
Sounds like someone should pop a cap in that nigga's arse.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 7, 2014)

Varis said:


> Damn, fuck this lady. Also wtf Brian? He saw how crazy she was and still wanted a piece of that?



A lot of it had to do with her basically claiming to Brian that Mark was being abusive towards her, which was bullshit. And why Brian believed it, I'll never know. I thought he was smarter than that.

I think the only time I'd ever seen Mark get physically angry was when his project for a 3D art class (he was working with a lot of clay) had gotten destroyed by some people who' didn't have classes in that area. And all that basically happened was he hurled the ruined pile of clay against the wall.

Though that reminds me of another minor lolcow. He was a fine art major that liked to sculpt penises. Lots. And lots. Of penises.

I think his entire workstation ended up full of small penis sculptures, and at one point he had a nine foot erect penis sculpture that just sat next to the doorway of the heating plant (that place housed all the hands-on 3D art classes and the college newspaper, I might add.)


----------



## Varis (Apr 7, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Though that reminds me of another minor lolcow. He was a fine art major that liked to sculpt penises. Lots. And lots. Of penises.
> 
> I think his entire workstation ended up full of small penis sculptures, and at one point he had a nine foot erect penis sculpture that just sat next to the doorway of the heating plant (that place housed all the hands-on 3D art classes and the college newspaper, I might add.)


I... don't... what is even... what.

Instead of going for the obvious explanation, I'm going to guess that he really hated working with clay and was just being a dick.


----------



## Trickie (Apr 7, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> A lot of it had to do with her basically claiming to Brian that Mark was being abusive towards her, which was bullshit. And why Brian believed it, I'll never know. I thought he was smarter than that.
> 
> I think the only time I'd ever seen Mark get physically angry was when his project for a 3D art class (he was working with a lot of clay) had gotten destroyed by some people who' didn't have classes in that area. And all that basically happened was he hurled the ruined pile of clay against the wall.
> 
> ...



I think him and Freud would get along really well. Did no one have a problem with him putting penises everywhere? I mean, there's plenty of nudity in art, but usually people try to at least pretend the work has some kind of deeper meaning.


----------



## Hexbawx360 (Apr 7, 2014)

RetardBus said:


> http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Nickelo ... :Home_Page
> 
> On the topic of lulzy wikis, the Nickelodeon Fanon Wiki is a definitely a site that screams autism. It's the gathering ground of a bunch of Nickelodeon-obsessed spergs who create their own extremely spergy made up Nickelodeon television series and video games, and behave as if they were real. These "ideas" for TV series and games they have make absolutely no sense and often are filled with random copyrighted characters that have nothing to do with Nickelodeon, complete with hilarious MS Paint "artwork." Almost everything I have read on this wiki is bad enough that I wondered if it was all written by a very clever troll at first. As you'd imagine, the exceptional individuals who edit this wiki are just as lulzy as the content they put onto the web.
> 
> ...



Holy shit I know about this!

I got banned, and the admin decided to vandalize my wikis and insult me.

Ban reason: "Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages"
The whole wiki's gibberish!

Don't forget to look at "hoops&yoyo&spike"!
(whoops, it's baleeted)
BTW, "hoops&yoyo" are characters from fucking HALLMARK CARDS.

Here's a nice pack of "articles".

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Nickelodeon_PLUS
Take a shot for every misspelling if you wanna die of alcohol poisoning.

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Nicktoons_Park_2:_The_Missing_Nicktoons
You Expect This Shit To Have A 3DS Release?

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Nick_TV_All-Star_Racing
No Pics!

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/PopToons
wtf

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/NickTV
Seriously? Nick TV?

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Mixed_Mania_Kart
They can't use a text box!

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_programs_broadcast_by_Nicktoons_1000
Run Away Kids! It's Sperg Territory!

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Cartoon_Network/Hub/Nicktoons


> "[adult swim]
> An adult overnight block. Cancelled due to copyright infrigment."


This whole wiki is copyright "infrigment".


> "On March 1, 2013, The Japanese version of CN/Hub/Nicktoons was launched on Nico Nico Douga. Some of the videos will be original, some will be reuploads from the English YouTube channel with Japanese subtitles."


WEEABOO DESU

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/ToonNick
"ToonNick"? Do you mean "TeenNick"?

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Neopets_(TV_Series)
GOOD LORD DID THEY JUST LEARN WHAT NEOPETS IS?

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Fairly_OddParents_(1968_edition)
Just why?

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Pearlium_Life
If "Pearlium" is the UK, then why would they speak American English?

http://nickfanon.wikia.com/wiki/SuperSaiyanKirby_Adventures
No comment.


----------



## Foulmouth (Apr 7, 2014)

Connor said:


> So, he's a lolcow simply because he's a poet and is addicted to heroin? Okie-doke. By that logic, I'm a lolcow because I write and wear bifocals.


 
Agreed.


----------



## CatParty (Apr 7, 2014)

Varis said:


> Somebody in chat said that Bricks is Compy. Not sure what that means, but I thought I should mention that before someone gets upset.




They lied


----------



## Hexbawx360 (Apr 7, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:


> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Anti-Bronies
> 
> Get ready for some laughs everyone, one of the stupidest suggestions on the waiting list is finally here!



>Category:Gay Bashing

Bronies are gay!


----------



## c-no (Apr 7, 2014)

Hexbawx360 said:


> >Category:Gay Bashing
> 
> Bronies are gay!


Bronies are gay? I guess that means I'm gay. I wonder if my father will be disappointed. I'm sure my mother won't mind though.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 7, 2014)

Varis said:


> I... don't... what is even... what.
> 
> Instead of going for the obvious explanation, I'm going to guess that he really hated working with clay and was just being a dick.



He actually loved working with clay according to Mark. He just really loved making erect penises.



Trickie said:


> I think him and Freud would get along really well. Did no one have a problem with him putting penises everywhere? I mean, there's plenty of nudity in art, but usually people try to at least pretend the work has some kind of deeper meaning.



Usually there is some kind of standard, but the art department at my university (which housed the graphic design and communications department, so that's why I was there most of the time) was ran by people who just didn't give two shits, really. Which is why tour groups on campus never go through the building. Though there was one unfortunate time when a group of third graders was led through the plant.... yeah. Noone thought that one through.


----------



## Trickie (Apr 7, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Usually there is some kind of standard, but the art department at my university (which housed the graphic design and communications department, so that's why I was there most of the time) was ran by people who just didn't give two shits, really. Which is why tour groups on campus never go through the building. Though there was one unfortunate time when a group of third graders was led through the plant.... yeah. Noone thought that one through.



Well at least with third graders, there's a good chance that they won't know what they're looking at if it's just a penis without a body attached, and if they do it's time to get Chris Hansen on the phone. Still, I hope whoever was in charge got them out of there quick.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 7, 2014)

Trickie said:


> Well at least with third graders, there's a good chance that they won't know what they're looking at if it's just a penis without a body attached, and if they do it's time to get Chris Hansen on the phone. Still, I hope whoever was in charge got them out of there quick.



Oh yeah, once the teacher saw that, she tried to shield it from them as best as she could. Whether any of them knew what it was, I've no clue.

That said, I think I'll tell the story of "Jay".



Spoiler



Jay was a kid I'd gone to school with, up until college (thank god.) Jay's problems were that he was kind of slow, had a penchant for harassing women, and is kind of a pedo. Plus he was 400 pounds of pure fucking laziness.  

He was also known to borrow stuff from people and then never give it back. I actually lost my copy of Suikoden to him because of that.

Anyway, Jay had this habit of falling asleep in class. Teachers would often slam books down by his head, only to have him scream in their faces that he was going to sue them for child endangerment. This became kind of a meme with our graduating class. According to his dad (whom I still speak to every so often) apparently he'd been falling asleep at work, and was threatened with termination if he was caught again.

But Jay was also a really creepy bastard, as I'd mentioned. He'd used another friend's laptop to write this story from a first person perspective about a brother and sister basically bumping uglies and getting married. Keep in mind, he has two sisters.  Yeah. He'd also confessed one time (this was the last time I saw him I might add) that he'd had a thing for a thirteen year old that his youngest sister hung out with. 

And then he'd creep girls over instant messenger. This one girl I knew had gotten a message from him that said he liked the idea of him on top of her, and her unable to get away from him. She blocked him in hopes he'd leave her alone, but he would often just stare at her creepily during the day, or when in gym class, he'd try to touch her. He thankfully got his ass kicked for that one, and was pissed when no one defended him. 

Then there was the last time I'd ever been to his house. I'd gone over there to pick up a book his dad had borrowed from me, and I really had no intention to stick around. While his dad was pretty cool, his mother was kind of oblivious to pretty much everything. 

His dad wasn't there, so his sister let me in, and led me to the family room only to see the mother sitting in front of the television, and Jay on the family computer - looking at hentai. Yes, he was essentially fapping while in the family room, grunting and all. I looked at his sister, who gave me this look like "Dude, I don't fucking want to go into it right now." I grabbed my book and left, I wasn't sticking around for that bullshit.

Last I'd heard, Jay was still living with his parents, and has taken to stalking random women online.


----------



## Connor Bible (Apr 7, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> I think I'll tell the story of "Jay".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Word defy me. What a waste of perfectly good spermatozoa.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 8, 2014)

Connor said:


> Word defy me. What a waste of perfectly good spermatozoa.



Pretty much. His sisters turned out well enough though. I refuse to have anything to do with him, however.

And is it sad I still have plenty of stories about different lolcows?


----------



## Surtur (Apr 8, 2014)

Moar please.


----------



## Varis (Apr 8, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Pretty much. His sisters turned out well enough though. I refuse to have anything to do with him, however.
> 
> And is it sad I still have plenty of stories about different lolcows?


Sounds like a life well lived.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 8, 2014)

My local oddity that lives down the street--the one who claims yo be e-dating a four-star general--just called us and informed us that she's going to have to change her phone number because of "hackers" that are "stalking" her.  We went ahead and passed the message on to her cousin, who's gone to look in on her.  I don't think the poor woman is well upstairs.


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## Varis (Apr 8, 2014)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> --the one who claims yo be e-dating a four-star general--


She's either lying or being scammed. :/ I hope she hasn't sent this person any money.


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 8, 2014)

Varis said:


> She's either lying or being scammed. :/ I hope she hasn't sent this person any money.



Gotta agree with this. Though the smart-assed side of me wonders if she's that delusional about dating this guy, if she even has a computer these "hackers" can get into.



Surtur said:


> Moar please.



One more then before I clock out for the night.



Spoiler



"Ellis" was another schoolmate of mine from when we were in junior high school. Now, Ellis was kind of a special sort. We think he might've had a touch of hyperactivity on top of possible bipolar disorder and god only knows what else. Whatever it was, I'm certain it was never addressed by his parents. What made him really kind of scary was he'd be perfectly fine one moment, then the next he'd just be pissed as hell for next to no reason. He rarely acted out violently, but when he did, he certainly got into trouble for it. One incident involved him putting his cousin's head through his bedroom wall, and another involved punching some poor kid.

I distinctly remember that he had been a huge Aerosmith fan and sported probably THE most gloriously white trash mullet known to that remote cornfield in the Midwest. In fact, while still living in the area he tried to start a band, but it consisted of three people - himself, another guy that actually knew how to play a guitar, and of course, Jay, who was too lazy to learn to play whatever he hell he said he could play.

He also had a thing for mooning people for some strange reason. One weekend a bunch of us were hanging out, playing video games. He'd brought that Aerosmith game over, and while playing that for a bit, Ellis suddenly jumps up, runs out of the front door, drops his pants in the middle of the street and yells "PEEKABOO!" at the top of his lungs. His cousin just sat there apologizing the entire time. We pretty much took to locking the doors whenever Ellis was over after that.

Ellis was also super obsessed with Beavis and Butthead from back in the day, so much to the point where he'd actually considered legally changing his name to Beavis (no joke.) And it wasn't uncommon for him to suddenly pull his t-shirt over his head and scream "I AM CORNHOLIO" at the top of his lungs. We did our best to keep him in check, so he never really got out of control.

Now up until his last year in our school, he hadn't done any of this in class. He'd fidget and make tiny annoying noises (he used to make this sound that drove the teacher nuts, as it sounded like there was a leaking pipe in the back of the room) but he'd never done anything really beyond that.

That is, until that one fateful day when my Earth Science class sat down to take a test, and far off down the hall, when we heard it.

"I NEED TP!"

Our teacher looked up and goes, "Did... anyone just hear that?" She made to close the door.

Next thing we knew, Ellis flies right past our classroom door, t-shirt over his head, yelling "I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!", followed by the school tech teacher, and the principal waddling behind him.

I think he got expelled for a week for that. It wasn't too long afterwards that he left, though. I hear about him every so often from a mutual friend of ours. I guess these days he's become a conspiracy theorist and taking to Facebook with posts about aliens and Agent Orange.


----------



## Connor Bible (Apr 8, 2014)

To those of you who don't know, this is my cyberstalker, Emi-San, next to GARY FUCKING SINISE.


----------



## Varis (Apr 8, 2014)

Connor said:


> To those of you who don't know, this is my cyberstalker, Emi-San, next to GARY FUCKING SINISE.


Is it sad that I had to look him up? 

I'm sure you have already tried everything you can to get away from Emi. Is there anything I, or someone else here, can do to help?


----------



## Trickie (Apr 8, 2014)

Varis said:


> Is it sad that I had to look him up?
> 
> I'm sure you have already tried everything you can to get away from Emi. Is there anything I, or someone else here, can do to help?



I feel like there should be some kind of witness protection-like service for people with cyberstalkers...


----------



## CatParty (Apr 8, 2014)

Varis said:


> Is it sad that I had to look him up?
> 
> I'm sure you have already tried everything you can to get away from Emi. Is there anything I, or someone else here, can do to help?




no trolling plans


----------



## Foulmouth (Apr 8, 2014)

Connor said:


> To those of you who don't know, this is my cyberstalker, Emi-San, next to GARY FUCKING SINISE.


 Is your stalker the fat bloke or the skinny old bloke ?


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 8, 2014)

Varis said:


> She's either lying or being scammed. :/ I hope she hasn't sent this person any money.



Sadly, we suspect that she has.  We've diplomatically tried to tell her to hold onto her money and suggested that she should check with somebody before any more Army officers ask her for a loan.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 8, 2014)

Connor said:


> To those of you who don't know, this is my cyberstalker, Emi-San, next to GARY FUCKING SINISE.



I take it reporting her dumbass to Facebook did nothing? I mean, other than getting her accounts closed down. 

In a way, I feel kind of bad for her. She literally has nothing better to do than to harass you and make multiple accounts to do so. On the other hand, she's a creepy Sasquatch.


----------



## Trombonista (Apr 8, 2014)

Ze Red Medic and littlebiscuits need to grab coffee together.


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 9, 2014)

We're allowed to post pictures of our lolcows?


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 9, 2014)

trombonista said:


> Ze Red Medic and littlebiscuits need to grab coffee together.



And then we burn down the place with the coffeemaker. I like it.

And now, my next story. Bear with me, I'm pretty exhausted from work, but I'll do my best to be coherent.



Spoiler



So in college, I lived in a co-ed dormitory, with men living in one wing and women in the other, separated by a single door that ended up getting locked from the girls' side before the end of the year (that's actually another story involving another guy that I'll share another time.) I got along well with most of the floor, and one of the girls (her name was Rachel), whom was also a graphic design major. She and a couple of other girls always hung out with us when we did our Super Smash Bros. tournaments. But I digress.

Anyway, I'm coming back from an evening class, and as I'm getting settled in, Rachel comes to my room, super nervous, and asks me if I could go with her and Amy to a city some 100+ miles away for whatever it was Amy needed to go there for, stating it was 'an emergency'.

Now the thing about Amy. She was a big girl, and actually could be considered fairly pretty. But by god, she was annoying. She couldn't really carry a tune to save her life, it sounded like someone punching Yoko Ono in the Fallopian tube. She also had this nasty side where she would bully other girls on that floor, and was ordered to stop by the RA. Before my story, though, nothing was ever done about her.

I'd initially disagreed to go, as I had an 8 o'clock class the next morning, but Rachel was visibly nervous about the whole thing. And who could blame her, she didn't fancy the idea of going so far away for reasons unknown to her. In the end, I caved and went, and to this day I'm so fucking glad I did, too.

Amy was thrilled that I was going along. So we pile into her car, and the entire way there, she's got country music blaring so loud, we couldn't even hold a decent conversation. Plus add to the fact that she can't sing... yeah. That car ride was hell.

We get to this town she wanted to go to so badly, and she finally turns the radio off as we're crossing the bridge to go into downtown. Up until now she refused to tell us where we were going, so we just kind of looked at her, waiting for an explanation.

She pulls into this inn on the riverfront. "We're here!"

"... What."

I just stared at her. Rachel is in the backseat, muttered something along the lines of "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

The inn housed a bar that hosted karaoke events every Wednesday. This was the 'emergency' that she needed to tend to. 

Well, it was balls cold outside (this was in the middle of winter, I might add) so in we went. Amy goes in first, flirting with men that were easily the same age as my father, and she steps up to the stage and gets her karaoke crap set up.

Rachel and I ended up playing some billiards to pass the time, and every so often we'd hear Amy's screech in the background as we played. Rachel was playing a fairly good game that night, and would've kicked my ass too, when Amy comes over to me, pulling on my arm and trying to drag me to the stage. We argued as best we could over the music, and finally she stalks off in a huff, and I turn to find Rachel missing. 

Thankfully I didn't have to go far to find her. One of the older guys had basically cornered her in this indoor pool area, trying to... yeah. I yelled at the asshole, grabbed Rachel by the wrist, and brought her back to the bar with me, where we found Amy guzzling some drink (I couldn't tell you what it was exactly, but I could smell the alcohol on her breath, and almost hurled right then and there) and I told her we were leaving NOW.

"Oh, yeah, it's getting late, isn't it?" She said this with a fucking giggle, looking at Rachel and myself, while Rachel was barely standing, physically shaking behind me. 

So we grab our stuff and get back to Amy's car, and immediately we have an argument over who was going to drive. Amy kept blubbering that she was sober enough to drive. Rachel, well, she was in no fit state to try. Me, I was mad as hell, and I finally just grabbed the keys from her and told her either she was coming with us, or we were leaving. And if she called the police, she'd have to explain to them why she planned to drive back to college 100 miles away while inebriated. 

That entire ride home, Amy's in the seat bawwing about how she wished we could stay a bit longer, and how I was being mean to her. I ignored this until we got to the edge of the college town, when she said, "You know, you shouldn't have come after all, you ruined everything!"

I slammed on the brakes, turned to her and said, "Listen you fat sack of shit. You dragged us all the way to a fucking BAR, just so you can screech like a dying ferret because you so love your goddamned karaoke, and while you were busy flirting with grandpas and the like, Rachel was cornered by an old drunk fuck. So you want to talk about a ruined night? Why don't we start with you!"

It was dead quiet in the car after that. We got back to the dorms, I tossed the keys back at Amy and escorted Rachel to her room, and after making sure she was okay, I went back to mine and just collapsed on the bed.

This story doesn't quite end here, though, as the following Wednesday I'm downstairs with another floor mate who worked the front desk, and we were chatting and having a good time, when he gets a call about a noise complaint on our floor. So out of morbid curiosity (plus it was getting late for me anyway) I go up there with a couple of the security guys to find Amy, sobbing outside of Rachel's door, pounding on it with her hammy fists, screaming that she needed Rachel to come with her back to that horrid bar. I just walked back to my room at that point, before I let my temper get the better of me.

And the thing is, Rachel wasn't even there when this all happened, she'd gone to study with a friend in another dorm, so she did have a few pointed questions after she found her dry erase board on her door basically dented and broken. In the end, Rachel ended up reporting the harassment, and Amy was not only fined for the noise that she was making, but she was ordered to leave Rachel alone, or be removed from the building.


----------



## Surtur (Apr 9, 2014)

I need to start telling some of my stories, like the one of Woody, Juggalo in Training.


----------



## Varis (Apr 9, 2014)

Today, I left work feeling inspired and super excited, because I finally had a chance to write my first lolcow submission!  I want to tell you about a website called Finnbay.com, and how a few subtly misworded articles have caused a small country to *collectively shit itself*.

*WARNING: Political dumbfuckery ahead.*

*Dominique*, a Canadian lady living in Finland and the owner of an excellent blog called Learning about Finland, used to write for Finnbay.com. A shining beacon in this media shitstorm, she has gracefully published a lot of insider information and details of her dealings with Finnbay, and just what the heck is going on behind the website. I don't know you, Dominique, but I love you and want to have your babies. 

Her blog posts are much more insightful than my rambling will ever be, so I'll link them here first in the order they were published.

#Finnbgate - The English Version
Back to Basics: Let's Talk Finnbay (Again)
Legal Action from Finnbay To Yours Truly
More E-mails from Onur
"The Mysterious Man"
Paperwork
Another Open Letter by Finnbay

(Bonus: Another foreigner living in Finland weighs in.)



Spoiler: The Eye of the Shitstorm



From what I can gather, Finnbay started off as a group blog / news portal aimed to help expatriates currently residing in Finland. It was started by a guy called Onur Yalcintas, who gathered a small band of bloggers and hooked them up with WordPress writer accounts. At first they were a free website that accepted donations, but today they allow you to read only one article before you hit their 4.99€ / month paywall. (NoScript, AdBlock and ScriptSafe get around this.)

As of late, Finnbay has been publishing some really strange articles about Finland's relations with Russia. They went mostly unnoticed at first - I hadn't even heard of the site until yesterday - until NBC quoted them as a source. The quoted article and the follow-up paint a very strange image, and the interview with the Defence Forces' Communications Manager is constructed in a way that makes it look like the whole country is terrified of Russia. The Communications Manager has since corrected this in another interview with YLE. (Finnish only, sorry)

The actual shitstorm began when Finnbay published another article, claiming that *"Finland would continue to cooperate with Russia at all levels no matter what the European Union or the U.S. says."* The Ambassador of Finland to the Russian Federation deemed the site fake in his Twitter, which pissed off the anonymous writer so much that he wrote not one, not two, but THREE public letters about it.



Ran out of room! Continued in the next post.

*[edit]* Here are the Finnbay Letters in picture form.

Letter 1
Letter 2 + email
Letter 3 + email

*[edit]
*
Some choice articles...

Finnish Girls Like It When... 
4. (You) Pin them against a wall and rip off their clothes
5. You feed them McNuggets

10 Amazing (not really) Facts About Helsinki - 
"Helsinki's island, Santahamina Pihlajasaari, is a favorite destination for many homosexual male tourists"
*Santahamina is a restricted military training area*.


----------



## Varis (Apr 9, 2014)

Spoiler: The Finnbay Letters



*Letter From FINNBAY Regarding Its Authority*

The author begins the letter by calling (some) Finnish journalists mediocre, proudly claiming that "we (Finnbay) produce facts", then threatens the Ambassador to Russia with a lawsuit and and finally dives into a rant about racism.


> Dear Subscribers,
> 
> FINNBAY has been the most successful media intelligence in our lives. It has been ‘the focal point’ of many readers around the world to get the facts about Finland and matters related to Global Political Economy. So we are surprised when we read reports from *mediocre Finnish journalists* on fact-checking of our sources and our entity. Here is what we have learned.
> 
> ...



The original quote is _"Finland *will continue to develop cooperation* with Russia at different levels *despite recommendations it is getting from the European Union*."_ The U.S. is not mentioned at all.



> Moreover, the story referenced a statement made by the President of Finland, Sauli Niinistö, who said that *Finland would find ways to re-interpret laws to bypass any sanctions to talk directly to Russia.* You can find this source from the Finnish government owned media outlet, YLE, here: http://yle.fi/uutiset/niinisto_looks_for_understanding_over_finlands_russia_stance/7155797



The original quote reads: _"Niinistö maintains that *the EU’s ban on bilateral meetings* with Russian leaders leaves room for interpretation."_ The word "law" is not found anywhere in the article.



> Unfortunately, the Finnish Ambassador to Russia, Himanen without checking his own government’s website, said, “Please beware: your link [FINNBAY article link] leads to a fake site. The story is complete nonsense and grossly misrepresents Finland’s position.” Himanen, continued, “As Tweeters, we are always well advised to be critical of our sources. Fake sites and fictitious stories abound”.
> 
> *Since our story is truthful, we are looking into launching a legal suit against Himanen.* At FINNBAY, we do not tolerate abuses from anyone just to hurt someone. We also encourage him to look into FT’s investigation of Live Nation’s deals with the Hartwall Arena if he thinks that Finland will obey the U.S. sanctions against Russian investors.
> 
> ...



This is what the Economist thinks about Finnbay, by the way.



> *Who pays for our salaries?*
> 
> No one. We are not funded or supported in anyway with the Russian government or agencies or anyone else. Let’s make this simpler: No one, no entity (as in anything that exists in the world) funds us in anyway or gives us money to cover our expenses (domain and hosting expenses). The subscriptions keep the lights on.
> 
> *Since FINNBAY is not making at least 8,000 euros a year, we are not obliged to pay taxes. That is why we are not registered in Finland as corporate.*



They are now being investigated by the tax administration. *OOPS.*



> Though, if you know someone who can help us to register and *not to lose our unemployment or social benefits*, we would like to register FINNBAY in Finland with you. Seriously.
> 
> *Why are the attacks sourced from the mediocre Finnish journalists?*
> 
> ...



*FINNBAY Pledges Finnish Ambassador In Russia To Revise His Accusations*

Basically a short version of the first letter, with an invitation for the Ambassador to meet with Finnbay interviewers. The only interesting thing is a small mention of Finnbay being labeled as a Russian advocate in the Finnish media. (Tinfoil hats.)

*Our 2nd Letter To The Finnish Ambassador, Hannu Himanen, In Russia*

A new letter was published today, and its tone is very different. The writer is apparently scared for his life because the "mediocre Finnish journalists" tracked him down and approached him at home for an interview. The Finntrolls also crawled out of their caves and harassed him and his family. Sorry.


----------



## Varis (Apr 9, 2014)

Oh, one more thing.

A reliable Finnish news provider saw this and immediately creamed itself, because it thought that Finnbay had been hacked. The site they were viewing was actually Finnbay*.fi*, that had been registered just a day before.

Everyone involved is fucking retarded. Except Dominique. Still love you.


----------



## RP 520 (Apr 10, 2014)

After watching some Jace/Parkourdude I was reminded of my former roomie I had during part of a semester at college when I tried to live in an on campus apartment.

I had a college roommate that was almost exactly like Jace. Let that sink in.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 10, 2014)

Surtur said:


> I need to start telling some of my stories, like the one of Woody, Juggalo in Training.



With a name like Woody, yeah. You HAVE to tell us that one.

In the meantime, though, I'll dispense with a twofer. 



Spoiler



I'd gotten along with teachers and professors quite well, for the most part throughout my academic career, but there was that odd one in high school, and an even odder one in college, that I had dealt with. And both were batshit in-fucking-sane.

The high school teacher taught Biology, and by god, she was terrible. She was one of those ladies who, well... She had horribly frayed white hair (I think she was trying to keep her original blonde color, but it certainly didn't work) and was shaped like a barrel. 

This was the woman who decided it'd be a-okay to put upwards of around 100 goldfish in a 50 gallon fish tank and *expected them to live*.
Needless to say, fish started dying left and right. And one day, it was about 15 minutes before class, and the smell of dead fish was almost too much. So I was trying to be nice and asked her if she'd like me to take care of that for her. Not only did she proceed to scream in my face but I got a four hour Saturday morning for "being subordinate". Yeah.

This woman also would have us hand in our biology notes every week so as to grade them. I was one of several students that kept getting marked off for 'not having notes' despite having turned them in and on time. It got to the point where we'd scan our notes and give her the copies if she claimed that she didn't have our original notes (yet that didn't matter to her, because she claimed we never turned them in in the first place, so we were marked down for that.)

Towards the end of that school year, she finally left, but when she did, she just left her classroom the way it was. The English teacher and the Agriculture teacher decided to try to tidy it up as best they could, and they found papers and notes dated from almost ten years prior, plus the 'missing' students' notes that she claimed she'd never gotten.

She went off to become a school principal. I feel really bad for whatever district got her, honestly.

And now, college. I mentioned before I was a graphic design/communications major, and got along with most everybody in that particular department, but then there was Jillian. For the record, we were on first name basis with all of the professors. They just didn't like being called professor since they wanted to give the impression of a fairly laid back department.

Anyway, Jillian was a bear of a woman. I'd mark her at around 300 pounds, full sleeve tattoos, total bitchy holier-than-thou attitude. And to sum Jillian up, she was one of those people who'd call themselves social justice warriors and a "true" hardcore feminist, bitching in her classes constantly about how oppressed she was (you thought Anita Sarkeesian was bad?) all the while chastising and insulting most of the men in her classes and making offhand and often terrible comments towards the women about their breasts/hips/butts/assorted body part, whatever. 

She'd had several complaints lodged against her, but either the university was unable to find someone to replace her (not likely) or she'd threaten with a counter lawsuit about how they're discriminating against her. And that's the thing about this woman. Any criticism towards her turned into "You're trying to oppress me!" or some bullshit. Plus she always had it out for a few students, one of which was a girl who really did nothing wrong, other than maybe us having a pretend sword fight with plastic candy canes in the drawing room, but whatever it was, she had it in for this particular girl.

One time we had a summer art trip to New York City, where Jillian was originally from. The girl I mentioned had signed up to go with us, and despite having to deal with Jillian, she seemed to have a good time. That is, until our group had split up and she ended up alone with Jillian. We'd all managed to make it back to the hotel, except for those two. Next thing we know, Jillian's coming through the doors by herself. 

She had left this girl stranded in the financial district after dark. Not a good place to be when you're by yourself, no matter who you are. 

The girl was lucky to have come back unharmed, but then Jillian used this opportunity to then publicly humiliate this girl in our hotel's lobby, right at the entrance, calling her all sorts of horrible names, while she was just standing there shaking and crying. We tried to intervene, only to have Jillian scream at us that if we did, we automatically flunk that summer course.

It wasn't until we got back that all hell broke loose. This girl's mother knew about the bullshit that had happened, and proceeded to embarrass Jillian at the luggage pick up by asking her if she's such a great designer like she claims, then how come she ended up in a college in the Midwest and not in any illustrious positions in her beloved New York? It couldn't be for the love of teaching, she reasoned, because if that were the case, she wouldn't treat certain students like shit.  

I never saw someone's face go from normal to puce as fast as it did. It was glorious.

Unfortunately as far as I know, Jillian still works at that university. I don't think anything was ever done about her. But one of my friends who did have a couple of classes with her can attest to how fucking psychotic she is.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 10, 2014)

Our local lolcow just called us up to tell us that her sister had died.  But that's okay.  Because apparently she called upon the power of an angel and now her sister is fine and no longer dead.


----------



## Trickie (Apr 10, 2014)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> Our local lolcow just called us up to tell us that her sister had died.  But that's okay.  Because apparently she called upon the power of an angel and now her sister is fine and no longer dead.



Am I to take this to mean that she's not actually dead? If so, it's a good thing she had that angel on speed-dial. If not, what the hell is she on about?


----------



## Varis (Apr 10, 2014)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> Our local lolcow just called us up to tell us that her sister had died.  But that's okay.  Because apparently she called upon the power of an angel and now her sister is fine and no longer dead.


Is Gail your local lolcow?


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 10, 2014)

Yes, her sister is not actually dead anymore.  Apparently the angel resurrected her after she had been declared legally dead.

Just for the record, she's also claimed that these angels have punished her enemies in the past.



Varis said:


> Is Gail your local lolcow?



Holy shit, I'd never heard of Gail before but the similarities are striking.

Ours is about fifteen years older and Filipino, though.


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 11, 2014)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> Yes, her sister is not actually dead anymore.  Apparently the angel resurrected her after she had been declared legally dead.


"Calm down, crazy lady, those weren't angels, they're doctors in lab coats..."


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## IcyHotWings (Apr 11, 2014)

I've had several personal lolcows throughout my life, mostly kids at school. Being something of a smalltime lolcow myself, I kind of had to scrap for any kind of positive human contact. I'm not gonna' use their real names here substituting their initials Here's the story of probably the most prominent lolcow in my life, from back when I went to Cedartown High School.

The girl, let's call her TA, was short, fat and with hair resembling the feathers on the head of a cockatiel, usually dyed black with red tips, and an excitable, maybe even spastic personality and a tendency to inappropriately touch anyone who would converse with her on a regular basis. Funny enough she was actually kind of popular in our little clique of nerds. She was big into "adult" anime, Inu-Yasha was her favorite, and she had some weird obsession with Devil May Cry and Final Fantasy, to the point where she had a thick ass binder full of printed off Fanfiction.net slash fics featuring characters from the series'. I remember one time I let her use my PSP so she could play Dissidia or something with this other girl, telling her specifically not to go into the pictures (not telling, lol) but she went in anyways and loudly shouted "Oh my god, what is this *irl name*!?", everybody within like a ten foot radius turned around and looked. That's probably when I should have stopped hanging out with her, but I wasn't that smart. I explained everything to her later that day, quietly, and at first it wasn't so bad, I figured everyone would forget about it in a week or so, right? Wrong.

She started calling me "Leonardo", (At least it was an upgrade from my previous nickname bestowed by TA, "Roxas") because apparently Leonardo DaVinci is gay in Devil May Cry. This whole thing sort of just played out until I moved again, to Cartersville. I've seen TA a few times after that, specifically when my sister invited her to a birthday party, but this was a year ago... I have no idea how to end this.

So in short, it was kind of like Megan and CWC only role reversed and with fewer drawings of fingerings... At least to my knowledge.

EDIT: Oh, there was this guy too, BC, he liked to jump around in the hallways and do karate kicks like a power ranger. One time a new kid came to school and beat BC at yugioh, so BC mouthed off and the new kid kicked his ass in front of everyone.


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## Varis (Apr 11, 2014)

IcyHotWings said:


> I remember one time I let her use my PSP so she could play Dissidia or something with this other girl, telling her specifically not to go into the pictures (not telling, lol) but she went in anyways and loudly shouted "Oh my god, what is this *irl name*!?", everybody within like a ten foot radius turned around and looked.


But what was in there..?


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 11, 2014)

IcyHotWings said:


> The girl, let's call her TA, was short, fat and with hair resembling the feathers on the head of a cockatiel, usually dyed black with red tips, and an excitable, maybe even spastic personality and a tendency to inappropriately touch anyone who would converse with her on a regular basis.



Dear god. She sounds like a girl I met at an anime convention that tried to dress up as Misa from Death Note (and no, it didn't work, either.) Then again... anime convention. 



IcyHotWings said:


>


I cannot help but notice how dapper that top hat is...


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## IcyHotWings (Apr 11, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Dear god. She sounds like a girl I met at an anime convention that tried to dress up as Misa from Death Note (and no, it didn't work, either.) Then again... anime convention.
> 
> 
> I cannot help but notice how dapper that top hat is...


There's one up on his facebook of him in a really tall fedora too, and his banner says "pansexual and proud". Not sure if SJW or not, but I like the thought of him becoming one.

EDIT: Oh! Something I forgot, he got Deviantart banned from all the school computers because he got caught downloading anime porn in the library. That really blew because it was the only way I could talk to my boyfriend at the time and I didn't have internet at home, so I had to resort to a proxy.


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 11, 2014)

IcyHotWings said:


> There's one up on his facebook of him in a really tall fedora too, and his banner says "pansexual and proud". Not sure if SJW or not, but I like the thought of him becoming one.
> 
> EDIT: Oh! Something I forgot, he got Deviantart banned from all the school computers because he got caught downloading anime porn in the library. That really blew because it was the only way I could talk to my boyfriend at the time and I didn't have internet at home, so I had to resort to a proxy.



It usually takes just the one asshole to screw it up for everyone. Bleh.

Since it's Friday, I think I'll tell another tale. Now mind you, I didn't witness everything with this guy, so some of this story is from a third party, but I did witness other things that were just... awkward.



Spoiler



A friend of mine, we'll call her May, ended up in a relationship with a guy from Indiana while we were in our second year of college. He was a big boy, with a serious lazy eye that his mother never bothered to correct when he was a child. We'll call him Tom.

Tom was 27 years old, still lived with his parents (who were apparently huge lolcows themselves) and only worked every once in a while as a substitute teacher. Other than that, he sat on his ass in his mother's basement playing video games and harassing the foster kids his mother looked after.

Anyway, May at the time had a job working at the library (we actually worked together at one point during the summer) and this guy would constantly call circulation looking for her. He'd been told several times not to do this, but he did it anyway, and quite frequently, to the point where May got her ass chewed out about it by my boss. He kept at it, though, and I think that was what eventually got May fired in the end. 

Now, I had met Tom a couple of times in person, and when I had, it seemed he never really treated May like a girlfriend. It gave off a lot of creepy vibes that I couldn't explain at the time, and I didn't ask May, since he hovered annoyingly close to her when other people were around. He was insanely jealous, didn't like the fact that she had a lot of guy friends. We actually had a double date once, and my girlfriend and the time and I, we just sat there in disgust as he ate. He wasn't very tidy, at one point the table in front of him was so filthy and gross that it looked like a toddler had been eating there. Needless to say, May was completely embarrassed by that whole fiasco. 

Also, there was the fact that every time I'd seen them out shopping, he always had some sort of bag with a pool toy in it. At the time, I figured that maybe his family had a pool at home, and he bought these things to bring back to the foster kids his mother took care of.

Boy, I was one ignorant bastard.

After they'd broken up, May opened up about everything. Tom had a fetish for pool toys, kept pestering her about buying him new ones (I think he bought upwards of around $100 worth at some point in time), and apparently even walked in on him "finishing" on one. The worst part about that, and when May told me this, I about threw up - Tom's mother knew about his pool toy fetish, so whenever he'd get a new one, she'd take the old ones and *donate them to Goodwill*. Yeah, that's lovely, isn't it? She donated them. I really hope that they got incinerated, to be quite honest.

May also didn't have a cell phone plan at the time, just one of those pay-as-you-go phones, so if she wanted to talk to him, she had to call him on the landline - he wouldn't use Messenger, claiming it was "too noisy" to do so. Plus the other reason she had to call him? Because Tom's 'mommy' threw a fit when their phone bill came out to around $30, and that ended up amounting to a $200 phone bill for May one month. I asked her why she didn't hang up, and she replied with that he'd constantly keep trying to call her. And on the occasion that he'd call her, he'd call collect. 

And he was also pretty emotionally abusive as well, he'd kept telling her that if she wasn't around, he'd commit suicide, and stuff like, "It seems like the women who date me end up not finding anyone else if they break up with me." I knew for a fact May struggled with self esteem issues, so this asshole basically guilted her into staying with him for as long as she did. And yes, when she told me about all of this, I was fucking pissed.

What ended up killing their relationship was the fact that she lost her job, how he made her feel like shit, and how he essentially planned to just move in with her and have her support him. Yes, he wasn't going to bother getting a job, he just wanted a 'new mommy'.  

Looking back, what's really scary to me is how very similar to Chris this guy was. And this was all before I knew who Chris even was.


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## kagayaki (Apr 11, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Spoiler
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Whoa... I feel very sorry for May. Did she file a no-contact order against Tom?


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 11, 2014)

kagayaki said:


> Whoa... I feel very sorry for May. Did she file a no-contact order against Tom?


I'm not entirely sure, other than the last exchange she had with the guy, he tried to tear her down as best as he could, attacking her family, her self esteem, and anything he can jab at. It was pathetic.


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## kagayaki (Apr 11, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> I'm not entirely sure, other than the last exchange she had with the guy, he tried to tear her down as best as he could, attacking her family, her self esteem, and anything he can jab at. It was pathetic.



Too bad for Tom. Any other lolcow stories you would want to share with us, sir?


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 11, 2014)

kagayaki said:


> Too bad for Tom. Any other lolcow stories you would want to share with us, sir?


I've a few, but I'll post another later tonight once I get back home.


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## sparklemilhouse (Apr 12, 2014)

I just remembered this girl in the sixth grade who we caught picking at her dry scalp and then eating it. At the lunch table.


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## telegramsamo (Apr 12, 2014)

Here's a review "Damien" wrote for a restaurant he's never even been to. Apparently one of their signs offended him.

Also, Damien and his folks are hoarders, although more through sheer laziness than a compulsion to collect things. I've been in their house twice and it is absolutely disgusting. The smell of cat urine is so strong it makes you retch. Here are some photos he posted online:


Spoiler


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## bradsternum (Apr 12, 2014)

I probably have brought this up before, but Eric Crooks also makes me chuckle/cringe with sympathy. He thinks his "subversive, satirical show" that was briefly on public access has legion of fans. He thinks he's the next Jim Henson. He is obsessed with Bob Procter, being an ENPF, and puts up attraction signs for a business partner/life partner (who must be a butch lesbian, because he identifies as a woman.)

I knew him in high school, and always thought he was a nice kid, if a little gawky and weird and obsessive. He disappeared for a while, and reappeared with an insane ego.

He sees himself as sharp and edgy, but his satire involves stating the obvious, ala A-Log.


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 13, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> I've a few, but I'll post another later tonight once I get back home.


Crap. I lied. I might've gotten slightly drunk. Anywho, I'll share the story of David.



Spoiler



David was another fellow I knew in college. He was a theatre major, acted in a few on-campus plays and such.

Anyway, he was another basement dweller who could've possibly put Chris's room to shame, in the sense that every one of the walls in his room were covered in Power Rangers and Muppets. He was so incredibly obsessed with that shit, it was kind of scary.

I think he has a Youtube of himself playing with puppets, but I'd rather not brave that rabbit hole if I can avoid it. I do know that he'd put on puppet shows for a local toy store a couple of times, but wasn't welcomed back because the parents of the children there were way too uncomfortable with him being around. Said toy store eventually went out of business at one point, but I seem to remember him being pretty butthurt about not being able to perform there anymore.

During lunch time, our lunch group of friends would hang out in the student lounge, which was nice. David would join us every once in a while, and when he did, this was how we'd learned he had a big foot fetish. He had this creepy thing where if a girl only had sandals on, he'd sit in front of her and keep reaching for her feet. And yes, he got kicked. Many times. There were two girls, though, that were so completely mortified that they didn't know how to react. We all told him to knock it off, which he did eventually, but that was only when myself and a couple of the guys threatened to kick his ass.

He also gave this one girl that hung out with us a lot of bullshit, too, especially after her boyfriend dumped her. This asshole told her she was good enough for a one night stand, but nothing beyond that, and she told him to his face that she wasn't desperate enough for her to want his stumpy dick in her.

I actually remember that meltdown, too, it was hilarious. He took to Facebook, blocked this girl, then typed up a really long status about how women were soooo mean to him, and how he's "a human too, OMG guys!" He later re-added her, then tried not too subtly to guilt trip her into putting out. By then this girl, myself, and several other mutual friends ended up just outright removing him.

I think he did eventually get married, which if he did, I feel really sorry for that girl.


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## StallChaser (Apr 13, 2014)

Some of my favorite lolcows are the religious fundies that do really off the wall stuff.  The ones that take some seemingly inconsequential passage in the Bible and stretch it into pure ridiculousness that causes them to do weird things.  Things like snake handling, talking in tongues, faith healing, etc.
One of my favorite videos:


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## Varis (Apr 13, 2014)

StallChaser said:


>


I don't understand religion.


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## José Mourinho (Apr 13, 2014)

Back to my favourite wiki. Do you know what's a real life villain? Rickrolls!

http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Rickroll


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## Varis (Apr 13, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:


> Back to my favourite wiki. Do you know what's a real life villain? Rickrolls!
> 
> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Rickroll





> Rickrolling has extended beyond web links to playing the video or song disruptively in other situations, including public places, *such as a live appearance of Astley himself* in the 2008 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York.



This is awesome!  How would a meme be evil, though? It has no mind of its own.


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## MysticMisty (Apr 13, 2014)

Varis said:


> This is awesome!  How would a meme be evil, though? It has no mind of its own.


I guess all those times they hoped to watch a video and got Rickrolled instead? Damned if I know, but mind you this is the same group of people who decided natural disasters are a villain so really a meme is kind of a step up from that (seeing as how they're created by people at least).


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## Aiko Heiwa (Apr 13, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:


> Back to my favourite wiki. Do you know what's a real life villain? Rickrolls!
> 
> http://real-life-villains.wikia.com/wiki/Rickroll


Rickrolls killed my family.

Anyways, I think I'll tell the story of Linda (not her real name):

(Warning - somewhat long)



Spoiler



So, I've had this chick added on Facebook for a few months, but we've never chatted or anything beyond her liking some random shit I post. Never chatted, that is, until a few weeks ago, when she randomly sends me a message. The message was innocuous enough, it was just "Hey", so naturally, I respond with "Sup?". Then she basically tells me that she's kind of been wanting to chat with me for a while now, but was always nervous or something like that, but I tell her to not be nervous, I'm (generally) a nice person and whatever.

So Linda and I start chatting and, for the first couple of days of chatting, we just shoot the shit about games and anime and stuff like that, but then the first odd thing occurred when she randomly told me that I was "cute". Normally, this wouldn't be weird or odd, but since she hasn't seen a photo of me, I asked her what she meant by that. She told me that she thought I looked cute, so I simply apologized and told her that the girl in my profile pic wasn't a photo of me, it was a photo of some Japanese idol (I believe it was Yuko Oshima but that's not relevant for this story anyways) but then she tells me that she knows I'm lying about the photo not being me because, and I quote, "I'm ashamed about being Japanese and I shouldn't be ashamed of my race". Again, I explain to her that my profile pic isn't me, I even link her to where I got the photo from, and that I was also not Japanese. Naturally, she then starts going on about how "now I'm denying my Japanese heritage and she KNOWS I'm a Japanese because Aiko Heiwa is a totally cute Jap name!" Yet _again_ I tell her that I'm not Japanese and, while Aiko is a real Japanese name and Heiwa is a real word in Japanese (but not a name), it's just the name I use online and is nothing more. I also tell her that I was going to bed, so I wouldn't respond to any messages and wished her goodnight.

After a couple of days of no messages from her, she suddenly messages me again, this time calling me "Aiko-chan" and she seems to be acting normal, until she randomly tells me that she wants to be my "tsuma" (translator note: tsuma means wife), so I then basically tell her "what?" and she starts telling me that she wants to "marry a cute Jap woman and be her servant" (so apparently, she still doesn't get that I'm not Japanese) and begins sending me poorly drawn MS Paint hentai (although calling it that would be an insult to hentai) of her on her hands and knees attending to an MS paint drawing of my profile pic and referring to it as "Aiko-sama". Of course, I get creeped out by this and ask her what the Hell is going through her head. I tell that, first off, I'm only 17 years old and yeah, I'm turning 18 in June, but according to her profile, she's fucking 39 years old.

Suddenly, Linda begins to basically "scream" (Well, typing in all caps) about how I was such a mean asshole and I broke her heart with me leading her on and that she was going to report me to the FBI and the CIA for being a "terrorist heartbreaking Jap" and threatens to go "public" with this information. (What information, is what I was wondering, since she knew nothing about me besides that I was 17 and am turning 18 in June). Anyways, after a few minutes of her ranting, I ask her if she's done and she says yes, so then I tell her "Good. Bye!" and block her.


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## Marionette (Apr 13, 2014)

First of all. I love the stories. Keep them coming.

A lot of the lolcows I've come across I've never interacted much with only in passing. So here's Kittentits' Adventures in High School:



Spoiler



So there were a few exceptional individuals that attended high school with me. 

First up was a girl named Becca. As I was attending one of the whitest schools in Salt Lake, we had our fair share of Mormon kids who all happened to hang out together. The thing with Becca though is she took it to a new level. She had the tendency to ask some of the absolute dumbest questions in existence. The one that's stood out in my head was in Biology when studying cells, she asked what the difference between a male and female cell is. The next 20 minutes was an embarrassingly painful explanation on how they don't have genders. 

 Next was a kid named Jake. He was a grade ahead of me so most of this information I got was from friends though I did see him a few times. He had a serious over bite and had a kept cases of soda in his locker to hand out at lunch in a lame attempt to get friends. Near the end of the school year while we were in chemistry we heard screaming come down the hall. The teacher told everyone to stay seated while he looked out in the hall to see what was happening. Two of the history teachers also came down to see what the hell was going on. Immediately we heard our school cop tell everyone to go back into their classrooms as two cop cars pull up to the front of the school. The chemistry room windows faced the front of the school and all of us including the teacher just watched as Jake ran outside, without a shirt yelling at the school officer. While two of the police who just arrived tried to talk him down, he stripped to his pants. By now the cops were done talking and started to approach him where he made a run for it. We got to watch as Jake tripped over his own pants face first, get tackled to the ground and then sprayed with pepper when he attempted to fight back. Rumors went around from he had a knife and threatened a teacher to he also kept drugs in his locker. We never really found out what happened and Jake was never seen again.  

The last major kid, we'll call him BB. You'll find out why. 
At our school we had a program where you could take classes off campus, one of these was an animation program. It was practically a breeding ground for Autism. I was in the minority of students who actually wished to pursue it as a career while everyone else took it thinking they would be making video games. If 4chan wished to take a physical form it was here. It was pretty evident who actually worked and who didn't. A majority of the class just watched YouTube videos or took advantages of the tablets to draw anime. 
We had one kid who refused to use the program Maya and only worked in Blender. He preached every. Single. Day. About how Blender would eventually out perform Maya even when our teacher told him multiple times why it never would. He thought he was hot shit and wanted to be the next Freddiew when he failed to learn the fundamentals of animation, not even bothering to learn how to use our green screen room. Another kid who never worked once. Every time I got a glance at his screen it was on some YouTube video. He made this awkward sounds and would pace the room in what looked like an imaginary sword fight, sound effects and all. 

Then there was BB. I had the misfortune of sitting a computer away from him. He was obsessed with Transformers, especially Bumble Bee, hence the name. All of his work had Bumble Bee associated with it. Me and another kid working in the portfolio class joked that he had a fetish of Bumble Bee. He always had bad breath and smelt like mold and cat pee to the point I began to wear a heavy coat doused in perfume to block the smell. 
He also thought he was a game developer. He had an entire website and Facebook page on it. Watching his "trailer" for it, it was a doom ripoff where you shot the same lab coat zombie through three levels of the same map. The craziest part was he was trying to sell the game for $20, even going as far as announcing special deals off on holidays. 
The best though was on a really slow day while working the room started to slowly smell bad. All the students kinda looked at each other as it got stronger and stronger when one of boys yelled out "WHAT SMELLS LIKE SHIT?" At which BB covered his head in his hands, screeched like a cat and ran out of the room. I almost puked when I saw a small brown puddle on his seat. 

BB shat himself.  

I was allowed to work at an empty computer but the room smelt like shit the rest of the day. Eventually it was confirmed he did have a fetish for Bumble Bee after one of the kids found his Facebook page. I have since deleted the screen shots but it became a joke among some of the kids he had a crush on Bumble Bee.



There's others but nothing comes to mind right now.


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## Varis (Apr 14, 2014)

Kittentits said:


> The one that's stood out in my head was in Biology when studying cells, she asked what the difference between a male and female cell is. The next 20 minutes was an embarrassingly painful explanation on how they don't have genders.


Radical feminist in the making.



> The best though was on a really slow day while working the room started to slowly smell bad. All the students kinda looked at each other as it got stronger and stronger when one of boys yelled out "WHAT SMELLS LIKE SHIT?" At which BB covered his head in his hands, screeched like a cat and ran out of the room. I almost puked when I saw a small brown puddle on his seat.


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 14, 2014)

Another high school story. Woooooooooooo.



Spoiler



So in high school, I was friends with a girl named Hannah. Hannah actually had gone to the same church as well, before I'd shed that stuff as I grew older.

When we were around 16-17 years old, we'd gotten into Starfox 64 pretty hardcore. I used to play the original on the SNES, and I loved the N64 version just as much. She was the one that introduced me to a Starfox fan site back in the day, decent community and all (though they were the ones that got targeted by this trolling group way back when that involved turning everything gray, THAT was hilarious.)

She ended up deep into it, though, having her own Mary Sue OC that was in love with Bill, and another one that was essentially a fox with wings that ended up with Fox himself. She tried to get me to make an OC, but I wasn't interested, it just struck me as weird. And ignorance was bliss, for at the time, I had no clue what a furry was.

I digress. Anyway, she had a penchant for trying to start drama within that community. It's funny, too, because I didn't spend as much time there as she did, I think she thought she could get away with bullshit like faking her own death - Yeah. She tried. There was a post on that forum stating that she'd died, and I immediately logged in and called bullshit on the whole thing. After talking with the owner of the board, I asked him to compare the two IPs. They matched (no surprise.) I think she'd gotten only a warning for it, but that didn't stop her.

Other pieces of drama included making up the character of a girl who had brain cancer (and showing people younger pictures of herself on horses as proof this girl was real) and this girl's boyfriend, who supposedly committed suicide right after the girl supposedly died; I remember her telling people on this message board she was a member of a gang and took care of their weapons cache. Now... maybe it's just me, but that's not something you'd blab about if it were real. Also keep in mind, this is a Catholic girl from a backwater redneck town whose parents didn't let her out of their sights ... most of the time.

And then she ended up with a stalker. This guy was, in fact, very real, because after she got tired of him, she decided to give him my name, address, and phone number, and told him I was gay and open to pretty much anything.  I tried to be nice to him at first, explaining to him that, no, I'm not gay, no, I'm not open to things like that, please do not call here again.

While he stopped calling, he did constantly try to contact me online. It got to the point where I ended up having to change email addresses, screen names, etc. It was ridiculous.

And then Hannah started drawing furry porn and getting into THAT part of the community. Pretty disturbing stuff, too, most of it was either forced or underaged. She was drawing an entire book of it while we were in school as a supposed commission, and she'd get pissy with me if I didn't want to look at it.

Tired of her bullshit, I called her parents and told them to check her drawing book. She ended up in a shit ton of trouble, and she left me alone since then.

And nothing of value was lost.


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## Colress (Apr 14, 2014)

sea panther said:


> SaxyEli was my personal cow before she got leaked on stamrose, and then someone alerted her to it, and she actually wised up enough to lock down everything, though she occasionally makes a moronic post on tumblr. Thread: http://www.staminarose.org/pt/?do=thread&id=4823 <--- an amusing read, has lots of deets and drama on her, and also she actually made an appearance.
> 
> She's 400lbs of social justice, ego and ignorance. (She actually bitched on twitter one time because "Khaleesi" is totes a POC, but they had a white girl played her on Game of Thrones!!!) She also freely admits to stealing from places like Sephora and is a dumb piece of shit overall.



she looks so fucking gross oh dear god what is this. that mass what is her neck makes her look like a frog, sorry to say


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 14, 2014)

MZD Mommy said:


> she looks so fucking gross oh dear god what is this. that mass what is her neck makes her look like a frog, sorry to say


Imagine the noise she must make while breathing, something like "HUEEEeeee.... HUEEEeeee... HUEEEeeee..."


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## Colress (Apr 14, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Imagine the noise she must make while breathing, something like "HUEEEeeee.... HUEEEeeee... HUEEEeeee..."


i just went "ewwwwww" out loud augh thanks


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## Aiko Heiwa (Apr 15, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Imagine the noise she must make while breathing, something like "HUEEEeeee.... HUEEEeeee... HUEEEeeee..."


Oh God that is in my brain now.


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## darkhorse816 (Apr 15, 2014)

sea panther said:


>



Why would someone who thinks she's so beautiful take pictures of her looking like she's suffering from an allergic reaction?


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 15, 2014)

MZD Mommy said:


> i just went "ewwwwww" out loud augh thanks





Aiko Heiwa said:


> Oh God that is in my brain now.


Eheh... sorry guys, that was pretty dick of me.

May I offer another story?



Spoiler



This one hits a bit close to home, as it is about my sister's ex husband. Troy had always been kind of a jerk, embraced the "redneck culture" wholeheartedly, that kind of thing. He was also a very ungrateful bastard who would often keep things that he'd borrowed from people, very abusive, and just overall, an asshole.

My sister met him when she was sixteen, and ended up pregnant with my second nephew by him, which then snowballed into an almost-shotgun wedding. Over the years he'd be just a fantastical jerk to pretty much everyone, especially my parents, and myself. According to my sister, he absolutely hated me. Which was fine, the feeling was rather mutual. 

Troy's parents were also pretty batshit, I admit. His parents had split up not long after he was born, so his biological father and step mother weren't half bad, really, except his father had a lot of the same assholish traits that Troy had. His biological mother, on the other hand, when she'd have him at her place, would constantly try to dress him up like a girl (no joke, I saw the pictures. Perhaps my laughing didn't help matters any.)

Anyway, over time, I'd let my sister and my nephews borrow some games, some movies, etc. Which was stupid of me, I admit. Because when I'd ask for them back, apparently Troy "wasn't done with them yet", and if I did get them back, they were usually ruined. Case in point, I'd gotten one of my dvds back, and there were what looked like scratch marks all over it, and judging by how deep they were, it was likely Troy's pocket knife.

He never let his kids do anything. Bike riding? It's only okay if they do it in the yard. Friends over? Nope, they might break something. Go to a friends? Nope, not allowed. The two oldest weren't allowed to go anywhere until they hit 18.

I also seem to remember that he refused to get a job. He did work at a lumber yard which didn't pay for shit, but he refused to get anything else despite my sister pleading with him. He basically left it on my sister's shoulders to not only get a job, but to care for my nephews and my niece, since he just flat out refused to help with any of that. The only time he'd have anything really to do with them is if he needed money. He'd constantly ask my parents for money, and he'd threaten them with not being able to see my niece and nephews if they didn't cough up. This went on until the oldest turned 18. That's essentially when all hell broke loose.

By then, Troy was constantly accusing my sister of cheating on him. To be fair, she had done it a couple of times before, so one can't really blame him for his mistrust. But she'd do something simple such as mail out a payment for a bill or something, and he'd still accuse her of it. 

I'd also had an old, but still decently working laptop that I'd given to my eldest nephew after I'd bought my new one, something that he could play some of his old RTS games on, check Facebook, stuff like that. I'd given it to him, because he was going to be moving in with some friends a couple of states away, and I figured, I'd cleaned it, I don't really have any use for it, so he could use it to keep in contact with his friends and family.

Well, his plans had fallen through, but nevertheless, he'd brought it home, and Troy immediately took it from him and used it as his personal computer in the basement, and would bitch relentlessly if anyone but himself touched it. (And a note on that, the laptop apparently died recently, I've yet to pull it apart, but he was going to junk it, and one of my nephews managed to get him to give it back. The DVD drive on it was not only disconnected and gone, but the tray itself was broken. I'd also notice cigarette ashes coming out of it when I examined it. No wonder it fucking broke.)

Right now, he has joint custody of my niece, who has grown to hate him. None of my nephews even speak to him anymore, but he claims it's my family's fault that they hate him.


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 15, 2014)

"Damien" uploaded another one of his masterpieces to Facebook.


Spoiler


----------



## Hexbawx360 (Apr 15, 2014)

sea panther said:


> SaxyEli was my personal cow before she got leaked on stamrose, and then someone alerted her to it, and she actually wised up enough to lock down everything, though she occasionally makes a moronic post on tumblr. Thread: http://www.staminarose.org/pt/?do=thread&id=4823 <--- an amusing read, has lots of deets and drama on her, and also she actually made an appearance.
> 
> She's 400lbs of social justice, ego and ignorance. (She actually bitched on twitter one time because "Khaleesi" is totes a POC, but they had a white girl played her on Game of Thrones!!!) She also freely admits to stealing from places like Sephora and is a dumb piece of shit overall.



Hey look!
It's Jabba the Hutt!


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## José Mourinho (Apr 16, 2014)

Though these videos are irrelevant considering the user, _*03bgood*_ made an apology about these videos, they're still funny.

Enjoy. A mix of A-Logging (in terms of "_At least I'm not ChrisChan!"_), CWC, Molay and many moar.

1. 




03bgood doing a shitty commentary on a shitty video talking about him. Loads of autism cards and A-Logging.

2. 




3. 



Quality commentary on mariotehplumber.

4. 



_*STOP MAKING COMMENTARIES ON ME! I HAVE AUTISM!*_


----------



## Trickie (Apr 16, 2014)

Alright, so I have a story of sorts to share about one of the few people in my life who I could honestly classify as a lolcow, though I never really trolled her, as much as I think she deserves it...



Spoiler



I was living in a condo with a few friends around my early 20's, back from deployment and relatively new to living on my own and everything. We split the two bedroom apartment between me, my best friend (we'll call him Seth, to protect the innocent), and one of his buddies (who has nothing to do with this story, and will thus remain nameless).

Seth was basically everybody's friend. By looks alone, he wasn't much to write home about, but he was one of those guys with an infectious charisma about him. We had a good time together, hanging out, playing vidya and tabletop games, which he would bring friends over for, and for a long time everything was going pretty well.

But then *she* happened.

Her name was Sabrina, although she went by "Sabby" for short. Imagine a ball of firm belly fat perched precariously on top a pair of normal sized legs dressed in emo-ish clothes, black hair, and one of those black leather hats that you see leather daddies wear (no idea what they're called) and you might get an idea of what she looked like. This nearly 20 year old girl had the emotional maturity of a preteen, and somehow managed to find her way into a group of friends that Seth brought over to play vidya and hang out.

From the moment she met Seth, she honed in on him like a heat seeking missile. While everyone else was sitting around and socializing, she was staring at Seth like he was the only thing in the room, doing everything she can to be seated near him at all times. After a while, she began petting him on the head and the shoulder. Now, Seth is a pretty amiable guy, and while he was weirded out a little by what she was doing, he did his best to shrug it off. Eventually, though, he had to put his foot down and tell her to stop. 

And stop she did... for about ten minutes. Fortunately, by that time everyone was basically going home and she couldn't find a reason to stay. To everyone's annoyance, though, she managed to get Seth's phone number before she left. She managed to single-handedly drain his monthly texting limit in just three days. At her most frequent, she sent over 200 texts in the span of 8 hours. She used any excuse she could to be wherever he was, and it was wearing on everyone, not to mention Seth himself.

Here's the thing with Seth, though, he hates disappointing people, especially his friends. One time when we were in high school, we made plans to hang out for the weekend, had everything planned and ready to go, but his mother pulled the plug on it because he hadn't finished enough of his school work. He was so upset that he disappointed me— despite trying his best— that his mother (I heard this from her a few days afterward) had to resist the urge to go back on her punishment. 

So when Sabby, who had been trying to weasel her way into a relationship with him for weeks now, literally (at least, according to Seth) got on her knees and *begged* him to be her boyfriend, Seth couldn't say no, despite himself.

She soon became a permanent fixture in any activity we did with Seth, and she was absolutely obnoxious about it. Every little thing, whether it was picking teams in a video game or making a character in a D&D game, she always had to be on Seth's team, or she always had to have her character be Seth's girlfriend or love interest, and if this didn't happen, she would pout as if she thought she imagined she were cute (she wasn't).

One time, we were in the middle of a D&D campaign, and she took a piece of paper and wrote "SABBY ❤ SETH" on it in colored ink and held it up for him (and everyone else) to see, smiling impishly like she were still in middle school, crushing over a cute boy. This sort of thing was typical of her behavior. Her world revolved around Seth, and anything else was of little importance.

The worst part was that she was at our place constantly, staying for days on end, until all too late I realized she was now living in our apartment rent free. At the time, I was the one with the name on the lease, as well as the one ponying up the cash for the nameless roommate who decided he was going to go back to his parent's place, so needless to say I wasn't exactly happy with having her of all people squatting in our condo.

I told Seth that she either needed to start paying rent or leave. Frankly, I was sick of her, and everything about her, although I'll admit that my crush on Seth might've had a hand in how I felt about her at the time, it was clear to everyone that Seth wasn't happy being with her. Despite even that, he couldn't bring himself to kick her out.

He ended up packing and leaving without telling anyone a few weeks before the lease was up. Sabby went back to her parents', and Seth went back to couch hopping for a while. I didn't see much of her after that, and I never got to see when or how they broke up, but I hear he does talk to her from time to time, and supposedly she's not nearly as bad anymore.


----------



## Ze Red Medic (Apr 16, 2014)

Trickie said:


> Alright, so I have a story of sorts to share about one of the few people in my life who I could honestly classify as a lolcow, though I never really trolled her, as much as I think she deserves it...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I guess it's an improvement if she's not nearly that bad anymore, but damn... How did you put up with that? Props to you for not tearing into her.


----------



## Trickie (Apr 16, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> I guess it's an improvement if she's not nearly that bad anymore, but damn... How did you put up with that? Props to you for not tearing into her.



Well, I don't know if props are exactly in order. I don't like to rock the boat in general, but most of the reason I didn't just lay into her is that I would've upset "Seth" in the process, and Godbear knows I'd do just about anything for that loveable sap.


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 18, 2014)

There's a bit of drama going on right now with "Damien" , the Man-Baby. A few months ago he began a "friendship" with a cute, young waitress from Hooter's. We'll call her "Edie." At first we thought he was paying her to hang out with him, but she actually feels bad for him and this whole thing is a pityship. Edie has given him rides home, and even bought him a gym membership, which will no doubt go unused. Edie recently go engaged to her cute soldier boyfriend. Damien acts like he's happy for her, but he's got plans to seduce her once her boyfriend is deployed. Apparently Damien is living in a fantasy world, one where pretty women cheat on their hot boyfriends with 500 pound unemployed Autistic men who smell like piss.

I'm actually a little worried about her. Damien has a scary history with women. He told my cousin she was a whore for wearing shorts and that she probably has AIDS, he's also sexually harassed a couple of her Facebook friends. He was banned from Hooter's for grabbing one of the waitresses, and also from Foot Locker for stalking one of their employees.  He actually used to go on lovequests to the mall and harass really young girls.  

Sad thing is, he's not even the creepiest guy I've ever met.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 18, 2014)

Oh dear.

My wife and I were just cursed by our local crazy for not lending her money.  Where as I am to have angels and archangels and the company of Heaven haranging me for my failure to give a mentally ill woman free money, my poor wife has it worse.  She apparently will develop a sickness of the mouth for telling this woman to get the hell off our property.

Look upon me, ye mighty trolls, and be wary.  For I have been Curse-ye-ha-me-ha'd.


----------



## c-no (Apr 18, 2014)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> Oh dear.
> 
> My wife and I were just cursed by our local crazy for not lending her money.  Where as I am to have angels and archangels and the company of Heaven haranging me for my failure to give a mentally ill woman free money, my poor wife has it worse.  She apparently will develop a sickness of the mouth for telling this woman to get the hell off our property.
> 
> Look upon me, ye mighty trolls, and be wary.  For I have been Curse-ye-ha-me-ha'd.


So did this local crazy do the required stance? If not, then her Curse-ye-ha-me-ha will not work.


----------



## Surtur (Apr 18, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> There's a bit of drama going on right now with "Damien" , the Man-Baby. A few months ago he began a "friendship" with a cute, young waitress from Hooter's. We'll call her "Edie." At first we thought he was paying her to hang out with him, but she actually feels bad for him and this whole thing is a pityship. Edie has given him rides home, and even bought him a gym membership, which will no doubt go unused. Edie recently go engaged to her cute soldier boyfriend. Damien acts like he's happy for her, but he's got plans to seduce her once her boyfriend is deployed. Apparently Damien is living in a fantasy world, one where pretty women cheat on their hot boyfriends with 500 pound unemployed Autistic men who smell like piss.
> 
> I'm actually a little worried about her. Damien has a scary history with women. He told my cousin she was a whore for wearing shorts and that she probably has AIDS, he's also sexually harassed a couple of her Facebook friends. He was banned from Hooter's for grabbing one of the waitresses, and also from Foot Locker for stalking one of their employees.  He actually used to go on lovequests to the mall and harass really young girls.
> 
> Sad thing is, he's not even the creepiest guy I've ever met.



...Then who is?


----------



## GV 002 (Apr 18, 2014)

I remember bringing you a basic history of my drunk whore housemate 'Batty' earlier in the thread, (http://www.cwckiforums.com/threads/personal-lolcows-what-are-yours.463/page-23#post-37133), and I think it's time to post some more.  As I type this, I can hear her in the bath now, tub squealing under her pasty bitch arse, singing the same line to the same song over and over because she thinks she's going to be on the fucking X Factor or something, I dunno.

Make it stop.

I warn you, this is a long story.



Spoiler



Batty has decided, after being ridden more times than the worn out Noddy car outside Tesco, to go steady and get herself a boyfriend.  Oh wait, did I say boyfriend?  I meant 'BOIFREN', which is the word she spits proudly at you whenever she talks at you.  To be honest, we got pretty excited by this, as it meant firstly - no more swinging dicks; secondly - we got to place bets on who out of the current swinging dicks is the lucky sausage, which fed our amateur gambling addictions; and thirdly - we had the guessing game of how long it would take until she went back to her crazy flap-flaunting ways to look forward to.

Guessing was actually quite difficult.  The suspects were narrowed down between 'Big Bald Guy', the name of whom is self-explanatory, 'Chav Weasel Guy', who was this disgusting sleazy skinhead pisstain of a man, 'Bicycle', so called because he rode a motorbike, 'Marvin', real name hidden, who was actually Batty's best friend, fuckbuddy and cousin.  Yes, COUSIN.  Also there was 'Grunty Man', 'Bruiser' and 'The Maintenance Man'.  Bicycle was our favourite as he was actually a really nice, vaguely attractive guy who seemed to want to try and help Batty improve herself and not be such a pathetic excuse of life.  We'd like it to be him.

Then Bicycle, in a revolutionary move, took himself out of the running.

One night we were woken by a huge screamy ruckus, drifting up the stairs to our room with undertones of stale johnny-stank and JD.  Bleary eyed and grumpy as fuck, we just buried our heads even deeper into the pillow, thinking she was just having her vacuous salmon canyon abseiled by the brave purple python again.  Then I felt them mister stir again and get out of bed, lolloping over to the door with the grace of a narcoleptic ballet dancer, and poise against it, listening.  I started asking him "What?", but an urgent sweep of his hand told me to shut the hell up.  Batty and Bicycle weren't bumping uglies, they were fighting.

"You take me for granted...why can't you stick to ONE MAN?!"
Shuffle, shuffle, slam.
"You don't understaaaaaand!  I...I...you don't..."
CRASH.
"What the fuck are you doing?  Nooooo...staaaay!"
Muffled noises, CRASH.
"Can you really stay with one man?  Can that man be me?"
"Well...I do have a lot of boy friends, but like it's alright because they're friends."
"Right."
SLAM.  Muffle, muffle.
"What are you doooooing?  Nooooo..."
"I'm getting dressed and I'm going HOME.  Away from YOU."
"But noooooo...I liiiike yoooou..."
"And I like NOT BEING TAKEN FOR AN IDIOT.  I can't change you.  You're always going to be a whore and I was stupid to think I could help you.  Fuck you, I'm gone."
"Uuuuuuuhhhhhh..."
Sobs.
"You can't keep your pants on, not my fault.  I'm GONE."
Stomp, stomp, stomp, SLAM.  Vroom vroom screeeeeeeee.

And there he went.  Brave man he was.  I genuinely hope he's done better for himself.

That left the rest.  We thought that Marvin was front runner now as he was her favourite, over almost every other night.  That all changed in the space of a week.  She chose the worst possible option out of all the swinging dicks before her cock-hungry eyes. 

She chose fucking Chav fucking Weasel Guy.

He's actually horrible.  Greasy, sleazy and pretty obviously only in it for the humping.  His name apparently is Jim.  We know this not because we've been formerly introduced, but because -

"Jim?  Jim!  JIIIIIIIEEEEEIIIIIM!"

It gets pretty hilarious when her cooking is involved.  She's really rather proud of her cooking, and rightly so.  She should hold great pride in the fact that she has the amazing ability to burn fucking everything, mostly due to her leaving stuff in the oven and forgetting about it due to being drunk.  He knows that her food is terrible, and rarely eats when he's over.  Once or twice he's accidentally let slip that he's hungry.

"JEIIIM?  Why didn't you teeeell me?  I know!  I'll COOK something!"
"No, no, it's fine babe.  I'm alright."
"NUUUU lemme COOK something!"
"No, babe..."

The most recent time this happened she decided to do some spaghetti and pancetta.  How hard can that be, right?  Me and the mister were in the kitchen cooking away, and she barges in as she always does and makes a big show of getting the ingredients together to use.  She looks at the packet of spaghetti in her hand, and then at the recipe.  500g pack, she needs 150g for the food.  Right, any normal person would weigh it out and get on with it...not Batty-Bang-Bang.  She gets out the scales and weighs a single strand of spaghetti, observing the number closely through a drunken haze.  Then she goes back to the pack and starts counting out the strands to make up 150g.  I shit you not.  She stood there counting fucking spaghetti strands.  Next the pancetta, diced, and into the pan with some oil.  So far so good.  She stands there and complains about how pancetta it fattening for some reason, while reaching into the fridge for a block of butter.  It was a new block.  She strips the foil off, the cogs working in her head to estimate how much she'd need...and then halves the block, dropping the entire half into the pan with the ham.  Fattening?  Nah.  We left her then, having done our food, Jim groaning in the room next door.

I popped back down for some water, only to see her spag and ham, swimming in brown butter on the hob, hardening at the edges.  Further down there's Batty, BARE ARM UP TO HER SHOULDER IN THE OVEN, reaching bravely for some very burnt ciabatta.  Ciabatty.  An oven glove lay forgotten on the hob door, flopping on the floor like a limp dick.  I said nothing at all, got my water and left, trying my utmost not to unleash a bray of laughter at the sounds that followed me out the door.

" Ow.  OW.  OWWWW.  Ow.  OW.  Ow, that's REAAAALLY hot!  Ow.  OWWW.  JIIIIEEEEM, the oven's HOT!"

As much as I hate Weaselly Jimmy, you have got to admire the lengths he goes to for cheap fanny.

What a hero.


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 18, 2014)

Surtur said:


> ...Then who is?



Well, it'd be hard to pick just one...


Spoiler



When I was about nine or ten there was this guy at the video store who absolutely would not leave me alone. He kept trying to get me to tell him which school I went to. He said his niece was in the sixth grade at *my school.* The school I went to only went up to the fifth grade. He was a really creepy looking guy too. He was really thin and filthy looking, with long greasy hair, and an oversized mechanics jumpsuit he always wore. I say always wore because my mom and I would frequently spot him around town. Sometimes he would be pushing a baby carriage filled with all his junk. 

Then there's this really weird guy in my family. They used to have to keep him away from all the young girls, he'd always want to be around us. When I was 13 and my cousin 15, he posted some weird stuff on our Facebook pages. It was only mildly sexual, but it still creeped me out. He has a habit of saying inappropriate things. He got fired from his job because he told one of his coworkers that her perfume "made her smell like a French whore." He was over once for Thanksgiving, and he started talking about sex scenes from different television shows. He's in his fifties, but there's rumors that he's still a virgin.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 18, 2014)

c-no said:


> So did this local crazy do the required stance? If not, then her Curse-ye-ha-me-ha will not work.



There was a lot of finger pointing.  She may have pulled off a Curse Shot.


----------



## c-no (Apr 18, 2014)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> There was a lot of finger pointing.  She may have pulled off a Curse Shot.


That is nothing compared to a Curse-ye-ha-me-ha. Curse shot doesn't do much.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 18, 2014)

That's good to know.  Already this morning I've stubbed my toe.  I think the curse is running its course.


----------



## RetardBus (Apr 18, 2014)

Chanbob said:


> I remember bringing you a basic history of my drunk whore housemate 'Batty' earlier in the thread, (http://www.cwckiforums.com/threads/personal-lolcows-what-are-yours.463/page-23#post-37133), and I think it's time to post some more.  As I type this, I can hear her in the bath now, tub squealing under her pasty bitch arse, singing the same line to the same song over and over because she thinks she's going to be on the fucking X Factor or something, I dunno.
> 
> Make it stop.
> 
> ...


Good lord, you should seriously consider admitting Batty to the psych ward. It would make your life a lot easier.


----------



## littlebiscuits (Apr 18, 2014)

Okay so, let's talk about my


Chanbob said:


> I remember bringing you a basic history of my drunk whore housemate 'Batty' earlier in the thread, (http://www.cwckiforums.com/threads/personal-lolcows-what-are-yours.463/page-23#post-37133), and I think it's time to post some more.  As I type this, I can hear her in the bath now, tub squealing under her pasty bitch arse, singing the same line to the same song over and over because she thinks she's going to be on the fucking X Factor or something, I dunno.
> 
> Make it stop.
> 
> ...



I can hear your accent through your writing, its so funny.


----------



## Ronald Gaygun (Apr 18, 2014)

In high-school I knew a guy who, had I been aware of CWC back then, would have struck me as being very similar to Chris. They're both named Chris, they're both autistic, although "my" Chris may have Aspergers instead (I've heard both from different sources), and they're both really into videogames and anime, especially Sonic.

I was (un?)lucky enough to have him in several of my classes every year although I must say 9th grade gym class was probably the best in terms of him doing hilarious stuff. once we were playing badminton and he, admittedly only possibly accidentally, got hit in the back with the shuttlecock. He LOST IT, started swearing like a drill instructor, and went  storming out of the gym in his trademark, awkward walk/run/charge.

God, there's a bunch more funny shit he did, albeit less memorable than that time in gym class. Once, in drama class, he pulled out a knife and started playing with it, and our teacher, who was only there for the semester because she was on a work placement from Australia, did literally nothing about it, even though we were all telling him to put it away. There was that time in philosophy he refused to let anyone tell him that Jesus wasn't white. There was that time in communication technology class he edited some bizarre video together for an assignment. _His_ finished product involved the stock footage of a teacher we had to edit, the default lightning effect from Adobe Premiere Elements, and some picture of some anime character that was basically a glowing orange ball with an evil face on it.

I bumped into an old colleague from H.S. on the bus back from college the other week and we were discussing him. He told me he'd bumped into Chris on the bus fairly recently, and while talking to him, Chris just randomly said "Fuck you" to him, and then carried on the conversation normally. In retrospect I can't help but wonder if all the shit he went through in school kinda screwed him up.


----------



## Zeorus (Apr 18, 2014)

Personal lolcows for me are mostly certain individuals in NationStates (a political simulation game I play on and off, currently "off").  One such individual formerly had his own ED page but it is sadly gone.


----------



## Varis (Apr 19, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> Well, it'd be hard to pick just one...
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...


...I need an adult.


----------



## Dee (Apr 19, 2014)

I have a FB lolcow. 



Spoiler: Long-ish



She is a friend of a friend and she is a 'glamour model'. She's crass, brassy and goes on and ON about her "haters". Recently she posted a special edition magazine cover she appeared on. Turns out it's a photo template for a picture app. Before the photo was deleted there was a sockpuppet account commenting on how excited they were about this issue. I'm almost certain there is something hinky with the amount of likes she has, over 10k but only 17 people have posted on her page in the last two years.


----------



## Zeorus (Apr 19, 2014)

Zeorus said:


> Personal lolcows for me are mostly certain individuals in NationStates (a political simulation game I play on and off, currently "off").  One such individual formerly had his own ED page but it is sadly gone.



Forgot that this guy's former ED page was archived.  Here it is:

https://web.archive.org/web/20100310075232/http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Govind

I have more Govind stories if anyone's curious.


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## Ze Red Medic (Apr 19, 2014)

Zeorus said:


> I have more Govind stories if anyone's curious.



Yes, please


----------



## Colress (Apr 19, 2014)

i got one i got one.. several actually i'll tell them all separately

T, the Attempted Murderer


Spoiler



So I went to a very small elementary school (St. Leonard, for those wondering) which had a rather dense unbalance between cultures. I say cultures, I mean a lot of kids there, black, white, everything else alike thought that they were gangster. When I entered this school I was just a kid with a huge thing for Hello Kitty, and even anime. I started very young, age 6. 

Anyways, early on I caught that you would be bullied if you didn't fit the nigger/wigger cliche (sorry for that term, I use it only when referring to these types). But there was this group of people I knew. The first guy, I'll call V (I'll tell his story later) was the wiggest wigger who ever wigged. Second guy, I'll call T, was a big bulky black kid who was almost twice my size. I was small for a second grader, but this guy was at least a foot above the tallest kid in class, thank fuck I didn't have the same class as him for most of the year. Sadly, my encounters with T did not end there. Those were the lulziest two. They were the bandanna-wearing violence-shouting types, and I tended to keep a good distance from them. 

See, I'd switch classes often. Very often. That means I did end up with him. Apparently they think ADHD is the kind of thing you'd lump with spergs and 'tistics, so I got put in special classes a lot, and this was no exception. In fact, I highly suspect now that this kid had a case of the 'tism, or something worse. He had this creepy grin, and whenever I looked up to observe the students around me, he'd be giving me this methhead grin. This disturbed me greatly. I was the only one he grinned at, too. 
One fine day we were beginning our trip out of the cafeteria when I was in line with everybody. We would line up by name in front of the auditorium stage, and this particular time we were instructed to sit down. So we did. T was in front of me in line, and the first thing I noticed, since I was never in close proximity until then, was that he smelled like piss. Not even kidding, he smelled rank. I  tried to avert my gaze from him, but he quickly cornered me, turning and grinning at me. I was almost petrified. Without skipping a damn beat, the kid churns out a "hi" in this deep voice that would be considered post-pubescent by any sane being. I only awkwardly waved back in reply, trying not to look him in the eye. This was the first time I'd talked to this kid, if this was considered talking. That's why I was so baffled at his next vocalization, which had the slightest bit of 'tism to it. "Do you like me?" Now, I was awkward, but I was blunt because of it. That's why I did probably the worst thing possible. I shook my head, and said flatly, "No, you're creepy."

And then he flipped shit.

If you've never witnessed what many legends believe to be "tard strength", thank fuck. This kid may or may not have been tard, but he suddenly reaches right the fuck out, and takes my neck in both hands, pressing down and beginning to rattle me about as if trying to strangle me. It took two teachers and even a few students to get him away from me, but I was a crying mess at the end of it.

Afterwards, whenever I saw him in class or in the halls, he'd always make a choking gesture at me.According to those who knew him, he had a crush on me, and I don't know why. I wasn't an attractive kid, what the fuck. He then abruptly disappeared in the middle of the third grade. Rumor goes he was expelled for pulling a knife.


----------



## Zeorus (Apr 19, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Yes, please



Happy to oblige.



Spoiler



This is to the best of my recollection, I don't have details for all of the (many) occurrences of Govind's creepitude.
I know Govind through NationStates, as previously mentioned in this thread.  Govind has been in NS for quite a long time.  The number of regions (small communities within the game with their own governments and laws) that he has been banned from is nigh uncountable.
Govind is a serial harasser and stalker of female NSers (a pretty small minority thanks to people like him).  What he likes to do is approach these women and try to get them to join whatever region he's involved in with condescending, misogynistic statements such as "the region needs a woman's touch" or some other creepy shit.  If they refuse (and rightly so) he has been known to stalk them IRL by using his techie skills (he has previously worked as a software engineer) through mediums including email, Skype and Facebook.  This has resulted in at least one IRL restraining order.
He is like Chris in that he is in many ways stuck in childhood - he makes frequent references to Star Wars, Power Rangers and other such franchises.  On NS IRC channels he will often start impromptu RPs, assigning unwilling participants various roles.
He does have Asperger's Syndrome and uses this as an excuse for his actions or a way to turn himself into a victim of "discrimination" (he often complains that I should take his side since I'm also Aspergian).
He is often poked by NS trolls in a number of ways (although any criticism of his actions, however justified, is dismissed as "trolling" by Gov, not unlike OPL).  These include poking fun at his Hindu nationalism (ask him about the Indian Navy and he blows up) or asking how many regions or other NS groups he's been banned from.


----------



## Mauvman Shuffleboard (Apr 22, 2014)

From time to time I start to think about how everyone I ever met was retarded and wonder if I even exist. Either way, I'll tell you about some more of them.

The Goddamn Deal


Spoiler



He was blind as a bat and white like my ass, not as hairy but twice as ugly. Many nicknames were given to him, mostly new and creative ways to insert poop into his name (Nickapoopolas, Ropoopnick, etc.), the most descriptive might be the albino rhino but in any case we all started calling him The Deal after he watched a lot of that Jersey Shore.

He did a lot of weird shit in his life but I'll only tell you about my favorite moments. 

i) One day The Deal was hanging out with his pals and they decided to go to an ice cream place called The Creamy Treat. Legend tells that he let out the most putrid fart of his life in that car the day, and the smell did linger unnaturally long. After it followed him back home everyone started to suspect something was up, something along the lines of . Duane (from Mauvman's Exceptional Individuals #2) asked if he shit his pants, iniatially The Deal denied these claims but eventually reached the compromise that it was only a streak of shit in his briefs. After some pestering for him to admit that he did, in fact, shit his pants at the Creamy Treat he had a bit of a Freudian slip type dealio. The Deal then said confidentally "I, The Deal, did not shit my pants at the Creamy Streak." Ever since then we've referred to shit stains as creamy streaks.

ii) For this next part The Deal was in a cast on one of his legs, he just had surgery on his knee I think and was walking with a cane and shit. He was hanging out in our friend's basement and realized he was bleeding. Since he was fat and couldn't reach his foot he asked Mack to wipe it for him. Mack responded by saying he wasn't going near his gross ass feet and he'd have to do it himself. At this point the deal was freaking the fuck out and asked Mack to call his mom to tell her about it for some reason. Meanwhile, Mack looked a bit closer at The Deal's foot and realized he wasn't bleeding at all, he just stepped on a red Jujube. Upon learning this The Deal reached for it and ate it.



That's Not A Diamond - A Willie Montenegro Picture


Spoiler



This one happened when I was like 7 so it's a bit more excusable than the others. Pokemon was a pretty rad thing to get into at the time and I was interested in obtaining a Game Shark despite having no real idea of how they worked or even what they were. This other kid, Bimmy had one though and was willing to sell me it for like 3 dollars. At the time I thought, gee willikers that's a right swell bargain, I will definitely be interested in completing this business transaction.

The next day I came back to school with 3 dollars to buy the Game Shark, and Bimmy came with something that I was quite confident wasn't a Game Shark. It was a spring loaded little thing that you put Hot Wheels cars in and then shoot them out when you hit a button. I didn't know what a Game Shark looked like, but I assumed it would probably say Game Shark on the side and look like it wasn't made for launching fucking hotwheels cars. I told him he better bring a real Game Shark tomorrow if he wanted my 3 dollars.

What he brought the next day was even less of a Game Shark, it was in fact the most blatant lie I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I whipped out my small handful of change and he whipped out a wad of aluminum foil. "That's not a Game Shark at all!" Mauvboy Shuffleboard exclaimed. Bimmy, the sly little bitch he was replied "It totally is, it's just an ancient (or possibly Asian, it was quite some time ago) Game Shark." I called bullshit and probably spent the 3 dollars on pizza.



Good With Wood


Spoiler



Dick was a man with a nearly supernatural knack for woodworking. Bitten by his radioactive carpenter father at a young age Dick used his wood powers for good, but this has almost nothing to do with any of the stories about him. Instead I'll tell you about the time he shit in a bag and the long reaching consequences of that choice.

It was a warm spring day in the woods behind Dick's house, we were probably 10 or 11 at the time. Since Dick's dad was a carpenter there was always a bunch of excess wood/palettes that was good for making forts and that was always a swell way to spend time. Except for the fact the forts never got finished and the woods were filled with barely started pieces of shit and Dick was the only one that did any actual work on them while his friend of the day watched.

Since we were human beings at the time and human beings have to shit it shouldn't surprise anyone that one day Dick had to take a crap. He went inside, as expected, that's where the bathroom is after all. He returned with a plastic bag which he brought into the woods with him, and shit in it. Then he threw the bag at a tree. Then he went back inside to wipe.

Fast forward to a few years later, no one knows except the both of us. Dick's starting to be a bit of a dick and I end up telling this story to our rowdy gang of pals. Apparently this story was the exact tipping point of tolerating him, and operation Bagpoop begins. Every time he shows up to where we're sitting, we just leave. And do so repeatedly until he realizes he's unwanted because apparently we're really passive aggressive.

Eventually he sits down in the cafeteria while most of us are done eating, so everyone leaves except Cripple Jim The One Armed Wonder. Dick asks about why everyone seems to leave. Cripple Jim is a quiet boy, real nice dude and wicked buff in his good arm, but even he has a limit to how much bullshit he can tolerate. He told Dick "We don't like you, you're a piece of shit and we don't have a big enough bag to fit you in."

In other news, he apparently hates gays to the point that seeing a pride parade made him physically ill. Weird.



Dr. Bodypillow - Or How I Learned What it Feels Like to Get My Nipple Sucked By a Man


Spoiler



Dr. Bodypillow baffles me to this day, he's a little unsettling in every way but everyone liked him more than me. He has upwards of 50 GB of anime porn on his computer and brags about it as well as the folder maze it is obscured by that supposedly has several thousand options and a sexy anime minotaur girl guarding it. When he showed people his new bodypillow case design to people they were all honestly excited to see it and thought it was "sick" (and in the taha, tchyeah sense too).

One time he ate loose chicken out of a bag. Nothing I can even say about that. It's just unnatural.

The more important time is the time he needed a quarter though, I was in the possession of several quarters and shirtless at the time (...ladies ) and didn't much feel like giving him one. So I offered him a quarter if he sucked my titty operating under the assumption that nobody wants to suck my titties because my torso looks like a cross between Chunk from the Goonies and Donkey Kong. Without any hesitation his lips wrapped around my areola and I think there might have been some tongue action too. Gross. I gave him several quarters and never asked anyone to suck on my titties in jest since. Just goes to show you there are strange people that you shouldn't put anything past.



Jesus Christ versus Bart Simpson


Spoiler



What happens when a sheltered Christian kid taught that pokemon is a sin encounters a Simpsons themed lamp while visiting a friend's house? This portly little motherfucker took his socks off, balled them up and threw them at the lamp, knocking it over and shattering it. Saving the world from the evil influence of Bart Simpson. No one would ever have a cow again and shorts would go uneaten, all thanks to the kid that pissed in the basement because he didn't want to walk all the way upstairs.



How to Make Girls Cry


Spoiler



Remember that not Y2K time the world was going to end? Not the Mayan thing either, it was some time in like fucking May 2010-2012, I forget exactly when because it was the shittiest apocalypse ever. There was a girl, quite possibly the dumbest person I met that wasn't retarded. She thought she peed out her butt at the age of 17 and that Christopher Columbus and Santa Claus were the same person. So it goes without saying that she thought the world was going to end that day. I asked Dick (See above) to pass me some catsup in her general vicinity and she flipped shit at my pronunciation of ketchup before retreating into the bathroom to cry. These days I think she's fucked up on drugs and has a kid.



People are strange these days.


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## TopperHay (Apr 22, 2014)

Posting up this lolcow on behalf of my future-husband. Stalking, racing cars and hypnotism fetishes ahoy!



Spoiler



I don't have an account here - for some reason I keep getting error messages - but I don't really want to set up an account simply for this one story, so I'm using my wife-to-be as a filter here. Anyway, this is about my own personal lolcow, who shares some similarities with her one, oddly enough.

There's a fellow on DeviantArt (heeeere we go) who watches me and has been active there for about a year. In all that time he's posted barely anything, or made any comments. Nothing too unusual so far. He has a favourite character of mine, again nothing unusual, but after a little research I've discovered that it doesn't end there.

It all started when I Googled my screen-name about a month and a half ago and stumbled across a Wikipedia page dedicated to my comics and my cast of characters. There were also references to my wife-to-be and our online friends and fellow artists. Apart from a couple of inaccuracies (which I left unedited for posterity) it was a nice surprise to find that someone had taken to the trouble to put together a fan-page for me and my work. There was even a small TVtropes page about my stuff too. Someone had clearly done their research.

This is where it gets weird. There was a Wikia page I stumbled across as well, which I am now convinced was made by the same person. The name used on this Wikia is the same as his DA screen-name. The Wikia is a collection of random stories that make little to no sense and involve a bunch of characters from various TV shows, comics etc. He seems to have latched onto my character and inserted her into several stories, often acting bizarrely out-of-character (she flirts with Dennis the Menace, his Dad and then blows up his school for instance) and there's even some very crude/traced fan art of her as well. The author clearly has a thing for car-racing and hypnotism (oddly enough a fetish shared with my wife-to-be's personal lol-cow) and works them into a lot of these 'stories'. I, myself, even apparently star in one of them!

After some April Fool's Day arty jokes involving my character (her name is April too, therefor, COMEDY!) he actually commented for the first time. It was on a parody piece I did which referenced race-cars, hypnotism and the sexiest cartoon woman ever (in his eyes at least). Whether he caught the joke or not is debatable, but he did link my other half to ANOTHER Wikia page of his, mainly concentrating on The Beano. My character appears there AGAIN, only this time she has spooky adoration writings and a full bio (none of which is accurate). He also subsequently did some fan art of her (crude MS Paint base trace and official Beano comics with her drawn into them) and commented on my artwork (though not much). I will say this much, it's given me ideas for future comics about April having a creepy stalker (hilarity ensues).

I don’t quite know how to react to all of the above. It was touching when I found the fan-pages, it was oddly funny when I found the 1st Wikia, but when my characters are having their history re-written, it’s now descended into the realms of WTF-land. He's been making comments to my other half too. She pointed out that since she kind of resembles my cartoon character (pure coincidence, character preceded out meeting) he maybe fancies her as well! Maybe he wants to hypnotise her and make her a race-car driver too! Who knows? This fellow is a real puzzle, but then we like a puzzle. And a laugh.

UPDATE - Have now discovered that said fan is a 16-year-old boy. I can kind of feel some sympathy for him now since he's clearly too young to know any better. If he was about my age I'd be more creeped out. Time will tell. Also, I found out that his birthday is the same as our wedding day! What a treat for him. He also added a fan fiction (ie. synopsis) about Hank Hill and my three daft women characters, which was clearly inspired by my latest DevianArt photo ID. Again, car-racing and large breasts played a part in it. The WTF-ness continues....


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## Surtur (Apr 22, 2014)

So I have mentioned him a few times but I have been too fucking lazy to post about his guy, so here it goes:


The Tale of Woody, Juggalo in Training.




Spoiler



Now, at the time I had just got out of the military and was working a shitty job at Wal-Mart while I was trying to find something that paid worth a shit. Anyways, I was living in a shitty one bedroom apartment with one of the many insane women that I had opted to date, because hey when you are 22 china is china. Anyways, one day while browsing at a new vidya store, I ran into Trucker Sperg, whom I told about a bit in chat, and I will probably discuss later. I had not seen him since I enlisted and he invited me over for a beer, and I have never turned down a free beer. So I I go over to his place, and as expected it’s trashed and smells like ass, but that’s a story for another time. Anyways, I go over there and there is this scrawny dude sitting on his couch that I don’t recognize. I can’t remember his real name, but everyone always called him Woody.

Now first of all, you must be wondering, “Why in the darn heck did you call him Woody?” Well, funny story. You see, Woody had a hard on for cowboys, because “it was his heritage.” And as such, he felt he should dress like one. This included have two pistols strapped at his hips. Now, in Arizona, this is not unusual, but the thing is, Woody could not afford to buy actual firearms, so he went to the dollar store and bout a “cowboy play set” and strapped those to his hips and wore them everywhere. Let that sink in. This was pretty sad in itself, but it gets worse. Woody did not have a job, but he was an old boyfriend and friend of Trucker Spergs nice, but a doormat girlfriend. So he was staying with them until he could get a job, and being the nice guy I was, I agreed to help him get a job at Wal-Mart, but he never applied and continued to mooch. You might also ask, “Why was he a Juggalo-in-Training?” I never got much of an explanation for this, but apparently someone was training him to be a Juggalo Ninja or some shit.  But he thought you had to train to become a Juggalo and the said part is, the group of Juggalos he was trying to join up with thought he was too annoying and rejected him.

One thing about Woody is that he thought he was an artists, but he could not draw worth a shit. But he would insist on showing off his art. Now, Woody also thought he was a ladies man, despite that fact that he was basically a less functional version of Jace. One of the neighbors there was a very attractive woman, who was married to an extremely temperamental man. Woody had developed a huge crush on this chick and would often try and woo her by giving her “art”. We had to pull this guy off of Woody.

Now this continued on for some time, Woody was an ass bite who continued to mooch, opting to play video games all day instead of finding work. Of course, this upset everyone. One night, we were at Trucker Spergs place, and we were getting drunk and Woody was being really rude and disrespectful, as he liked to do whenever he felt like he was not getting enough attention. This resulted in several guys chewing him out and then beating his ass. I pulled him out of the dog pile and got him away from it and spent some time getting him to stop crying like a bitch. He left that night, riding off into the sunset and we never saw Woody again.


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## RetardBus (Apr 22, 2014)

Surtur said:


> So I have mentioned him a few times but I have been too fucking lazy to post about his guy, so here it goes:
> 
> 
> The Tale of Woody, Juggalo in Training.
> ...


Woody reminds me a lot of Wade from GTA V.


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## SPARKLETWAT (Apr 23, 2014)

I work in an ER and I see a lot of crazy shit.

Craziest is a meth head frequent flyer we call Shitbob Stinkpants because he always shows up with DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS. He's a tall rail thin nigger with smelly, ratty hair and two black front teeth. On nights he's tripping balls he'll actually eat the shit out of his pants or fling his piss at people. He's fucking gross. Sometimes I mess with him by saying the men in black are coming for his alien nigger ass (cuz he always says he's an alien trying to phone home). Nothing too serious because I don't want him actually hurting anybody. The funny part is if I tell him I'll keep the men in black away if he cooperates he usually behaves himself and lets me clean him up for his next spin into stonerville. Last time he was in I had him convinced his rectum is bigger on the inside. He doesn't watch Doctor Who or he'd recognize the TARDIS reference. He said "THEN I GUESS I CAN TAKE REALLY BIG SHITS ON YOUR FAT BLACK FACE, BITCH! NOW SUCK MY DICK!" 

I wish this asshole went to rehab already. I always worry the next time he shows up he'll be a corpse.


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## StallChaser (Apr 23, 2014)

I used to be in boy scouts, and we'd have a summer camp each year.  You go up into the woods, sleep in tent cabins, do outdoorsy games, earn merit badges, etc.  I was sharing a cabin with 4 or 5 other people, and one morning there was a pair of dirty crapped briefs on the floor.  And I don't mean skidmarks, but full on shit-caked.  A lot, like more shit than underwear.  And of course, everyone was trying to figure out whose they were, if it was a prank, or what.  We decided that we would find out whose they were by checking what kind of underwear everyone had.  There were no matches, and we didn't have time to check everyone's.

The shitty underwear remained a mystery all day.  That night, we had a campfire, and someone got the idea to burn the dirty crapped briefs.  Everyone agreed.  Except one kid.  The owner.  Why he thought those underwear were worth saving is beyond me.  Why he was willing to out himself (he kept denying it, but it was obvious) is an even bigger mystery.

I asked him about it later.  I was expecting something like explosive diarrhea, or maybe he had to stay seated for something until he couldn't hold it and was afraid to ask to go to the bathroom.  What he actually said was the last thing I expected, and far worse.

"I hadn't changed them in 2 months!"

I don't remember who he rode home with, because "poopy pants kid" was banned from a lot of parents' cars that week.


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## Varis (Apr 23, 2014)

StallChaser said:


> I used to be in boy scouts, and we'd have a summer camp each year.  You go up into the woods, sleep in tent cabins, do outdoorsy games, earn merit badges, etc.  I was sharing a cabin with 4 or 5 other people, and one morning there was a pair of dirty crapped briefs on the floor.  And I don't mean skidmarks, but full on shit-caked.  A lot, like more shit than underwear.  And of course, everyone was trying to figure out whose they were, if it was a prank, or what.  We decided that we would find out whose they were by checking what kind of underwear everyone had.  There were no matches, and we didn't have time to check everyone's.
> 
> The shitty underwear remained a mystery all day.  That night, we had a campfire, and someone got the idea to burn the dirty crapped briefs.  Everyone agreed.  Except one kid.  The owner.  Why he thought those underwear were worth saving is beyond me.  Why he was willing to out himself (he kept denying it, but it was obvious) is an even bigger mystery.
> 
> ...


... I have so many questions. But first I have to throw up my lunch.


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## Surtur (Apr 23, 2014)

StallChaser said:


> I used to be in boy scouts, and we'd have a summer camp each year.  You go up into the woods, sleep in tent cabins, do outdoorsy games, earn merit badges, etc.  I was sharing a cabin with 4 or 5 other people, and one morning there was a pair of dirty crapped briefs on the floor.  And I don't mean skidmarks, but full on shit-caked.  A lot, like more shit than underwear.  And of course, everyone was trying to figure out whose they were, if it was a prank, or what.  We decided that we would find out whose they were by checking what kind of underwear everyone had.  There were no matches, and we didn't have time to check everyone's.
> 
> The shitty underwear remained a mystery all day.  That night, we had a campfire, and someone got the idea to burn the dirty crapped briefs.  Everyone agreed.  Except one kid.  The owner.  Why he thought those underwear were worth saving is beyond me.  Why he was willing to out himself (he kept denying it, but it was obvious) is an even bigger mystery.
> 
> ...


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## José Mourinho (Apr 23, 2014)

Found another wiki to cringe at. Anyway, welcome to *Pooh's Adventures:*

http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Pooh's_Adventures_Wiki



> So Sit Down, Grab Some Popcorn, Honey and enjoy the movies as Winnie the Pooh and his friends go into new worlds outside of Disney studios and the 100 Acre Wood where they will meet new friends, battle bitter enemies, and save the world at the same time.



Initially back then when I discovered it, I thought it would die off, but nope, apparently the autists actually could go further to the point that even *The American Rabbit *is not safe from this:

http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Winnie_the_Pooh_in_The_Adventures_of_the_American_Rabbit


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## Bosnian Wizard (Apr 23, 2014)

I don't think this guy has been posted about before, so I'll start by pointing you towards this video. I recommend, before reading anything else about this guy, that you watch this:






This is Gorilla199, or Chris Constantine. The first time I saw this, I though 'haha, what an amusing video taking the piss out of mental conspiracy theorists! It was pretty dry, and a bit edgy with that religious stuff, but I wonder if he has any more?'. Then I looked at his channel... and found he had about 500 videos all on mental conspiracy theories... and they are all in complete earnest. He is an absolute nutter. 

I'm no expert on Gorilla199, but here are a couple of things he thinks. He is a Christian conspiracy theorist who thinks about 20% of the worlds population, and 99% of the businesses, are owned by Tares (lizard people) and Freemasons ('the Tares bitches'). He thinks science is a lie, and things like evolution, the Ice Age and rockets working in space are all Tare propaganda, as they aren't in the Bible. He thinks everyone over 6', perhaps 6'6" at a push are giants, and therefore either demons, Nephilim, or children of Nephilim. He also believes in that chemtrail stuff.

Now, if you read that and got terribly scared about this blasphemous subversion of mankind, don't fear! Gorilla199 has got our backs with another video, showing us how to root out those pesky Tares, Freemasons and Illuminati. 






To summarize, if you see a shop with a Mesonic symbol, which includes Illuminati Triangles (basically normal triangles), half domes and Xs, simply say to the owner 'there is a lot of flying saucer symbolism in your shop'. If they don't reply, it isn't because they're scared of a nutter conspiracy theorist coming into their shop, it is because they are forced by a vow to not discuss UFOs. Simple!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/beds/bucks/herts/7194961.stm

While what he does could be fairly easy to fake, as most of his videos are indoors, I think this link gives a fair bit of proof. It is about a conviction for copyright infringement he got in 2008, and the article mentions that 'Defence barrister Michael Phillips said Constantine was suffering from a* serious psychiatric condition* and had been at the time of the offences'. Plus, even if he was trolling, 500 videos of that bollocks is some serious dedication.


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## Ronald Gaygun (Apr 23, 2014)

Bosnian Wizard said:


> I don't think this guy has been posted about before, so I'll start by pointing you towards this video. I recommend, before reading anything else about this guy, that you watch this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


OH MY GOD THIS GUY!!! I heard about this guy from a video on Cracked. In one of his videos he claimed the logo for the 2012 Olympics in London was part of a freemasonic/lizardman conspiracy.

On that bit about triangles/half-domes/the letter x, is a fear of what is effectively basic geometry common among freemasonic conspiracy theorists?


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## RetardBus (Apr 23, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:


> Found another wiki to cringe at. Anyway, welcome to *Pooh's Adventures:*
> 
> http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Pooh's_Adventures_Wiki
> 
> ...


Holy crap, I remember this! Didn't BlackBusterCritic laugh his ass off during a livestream while reading this shit? I know there's tons and tons of poorly made crossover "movies" based off of this nonsense on Youtube. I've always gotten a good laugh from the crossover community, especially when BlackBusterCritic took the piss out of them.

I also remember these spergs making a bunch of other "X's Adventures" series, including Ronald McDonald's Adventures and even Barney's Adventures or some crap like that. Reading through this nonsense and realizing that there's a circle on the internet that takes this tripe seriously has never ceased to be hilarious.


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## José Mourinho (Apr 23, 2014)

RetardBus said:


> Holy crap, I remember this! Didn't BlackBusterCritic laugh his ass off on a livestream reading this shit? I know there's tons and tons of poorly made crossover "movies" based off of this nonsense on Youtube. I've always got a good laugh from the crossover community, especially when BlackBusterCritic took the piss out of them.


It gets worse too, as there are currently spinoffs for this shit, such as:-_

* _Ash's Adventures_ (_Yes, THE Ash Ketchum from Pokemon) http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Ash's_Adventures_Series
* Spongebob's Adventures http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/SpongeBob's_Adventures_Series
* Charlie Brown and Snoopy's Adventures http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Charlie_Brown_and_Snoopy's_Adventures_series
* Finn and Jake's Adventures http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Finn_and_Jake's_Adventures

It reached to the point that almost *anything* can be in Pooh's Adventures now, so go find your favourite movie there and you better hope that it wasn't there.

But hey, how about a parody video?


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## RetardBus (Apr 23, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:


> It gets worse too, as there are currently spinoffs for this shit, such as:-
> _
> * _Ash's Adventures_ (_Yes, THE Ash Ketchum from Pokemon) http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Ash's_Adventures_Series
> * Spongebob's Adventures http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/SpongeBob's_Adventures_Series
> ...






Sure, why not?


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## TopperHay (Apr 23, 2014)

http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Benny,_Leo_and_Johnny's_Adventures_with_Alice_in_Wonderland

I remember one of my friends showing me this Pooh's Adventures thing and I almost couldn't believe it was real. I think Benny, Leo and Johnny's Adventures might just be the cherry on top of this 'tism sundae.





A "Best Of" video. Nothing says DeviantArt like awkwardly shoehorning your characters into already existing properties.


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## RetardBus (Apr 23, 2014)

The parodies of this Pooh's Adventures crap are amazing.


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## Mauvman Shuffleboard (Apr 24, 2014)

Here's a few more that I forgot to mention the other time.

Drunk Spaceman


Spoiler



At one point I knew a guy, he was pretty rad. He was also the only person I ever saw delivering a wedgie outside of a cartoon. One time he disintegrated one of my buddy's boxers through repeated wedgies and then lifted some other jackass a good two feet in the air by his briefs. This is not about that guy, but rather his brother Ethan who was not rad, just a dipshit.

To get a good feel for how big of a dipshit he was skip ahead to Spanking Shakespeare, an English assignment of his my pal found on the floor one day. Though the questions have been lost to time the answers alone are just fucking stupid, much like him. If you don't feel like skipping ahead, just know that in addition to getting hammered on the bus ride to school he also attempted smoking weed on the bus and expected to get away with it. 

Anyway, this story isn't about that either. This is about the time he and his fat ass friend Samsquanch got drunk at the side of the road and played spaceman in the garbage can. For several hours they frolicked, yelling space related things at each other like ground control, deflector shields, and mars bitches. All the while hanging out in garbage on the side of the road. Fucking pinheads.


Spanking Shakespeare


Spoiler












Slugman at Large


Spoiler



At my highschool there was exactly one brony. He was fat, which surprised no one, and also annoying which surprised less than no one. His most distinguishing and disgusting feature would be that he was a slugman. By which I mean he left a slime trail. It wasn't sweat, he just left everywhere he sat slimy and gross. And since he was fat he did a lot of sitting, that ass could cover a lot of ground.

When he wasn't busy being a slug man he was roleplaying with ponies on Facebook, I think he threatened to kill himself when he found out the Pinkie Pie account he was cybering with was his dad.



Deep as a Mint


Spoiler



Every now and then there is a guy with a guitar. Sometimes they can play it, sometimes they only sort of can play it. This guy falls into the latter category, he spent almost every day demonstrating his deep soulful songwriting and mediocre guitar skills to impress the ladies. This of course was after he burnt both of his eyebrows off by stabbing a can of Axe with a knife and lighting it to make a flamethrower (spoiler alert: it didn't fucking work). Naturally to combat his reputation as the dumbshit that burnt off his eyebrows he had to become a pretentious douche.

Now, in the first day of a sociology class the teacher always passes a bag of candy around and asks everyone to pick the candy they're most like and explain why. When I took the class I think I said I was like the gum because you're not supposed to eat me, but that's besides the point. He claimed to be most like the mint, because he's deep and has layers. I think he might have confused mints with a well of onions or something.

On an entirely unrelated note, this might also have been the kid that punched a door in frustration yelling "I don't like school, I like Pokemon!" for no good reason but I forget.


----------



## Varis (Apr 24, 2014)

Mauvman Shuffleboard said:


> I think he threatened to kill himself when he found out the Pinkie Pie account he was cybering with was his dad.








Also,


----------



## Have a Pepsi (Apr 24, 2014)

MZD Mommy said:


> i got one i got one.. several actually i'll tell them all separately
> 
> T, the Attempted Murderer
> 
> ...



That doesn't sound like a lolcow, that just sounds... Well, unpleasant.


----------



## Colress (Apr 24, 2014)

Have a Pepsi said:


> That doesn't sound like a lolcow, that just sounds... Well, unpleasant.


It was, very.
Next is from middle school.

Joel, and his dreams


Spoiler



Back in about sixth grade, there was this kid I ran into often. His name was Joel, and he had a dream-- This dream was to work at Aeropostale as a model. This kid was the lankiest little dip ever, and was shorter than me, even. His hair was tucked into a faux-mohawk look, kid probably spent most of his morning doing it. He talked like he was all that, and a bag of Funyuns. In general, he wasn't fun to be around. He smelled so heavily of cologne I'd cough whenever in a certain radius of him. Weirdest thing was, he always claimed that he would shave ALL of his bodily hair. ALL OF IT. I saw him with his shirt off at the end of the year-- pits were as barren as a baby's butt. I think he really did. He was more of a guido than anything, and always claimed to have been in bed many times, despite being like 13. I don't think he understood that shaving all of one's body hair is a thing that straight men don't do. Can't think of anything else remarkable about him. He was just ridiculous.


----------



## José Mourinho (Apr 27, 2014)

Not really lolcow-ish, but since I need something to laugh, here we go: Upcoming GOTY 2014 once it's greenlighted on Steam. Behold the amazing graphics, storyline and gameplay:
















http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=240301259 (*Official Steam Greenlight Page - Be sure to like and favourite it!)*

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/497057119/starship-tranquility-sci-fi-rpg (*Apparently, $1,008 was funded by fans for this masterpiece)*


----------



## Daario Naharis (Apr 28, 2014)

This Poohs adventures thing.... Pretty bizarre. I mean, that's all I can say. Crossovers are crossovers, but this just seems... weird.

http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Thomas_and_Twilight_Sparkle's_Adventures_Series 

.... I think.... I think I'm done looking at this.



Alan Pardew said:


> It reached to the point that almost *anything* can be in Pooh's Adventures now, so go find your favourite movie there and you better hope that it wasn't there.



http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Winnie_the_Pooh_Goes_to_Labyrinth

... Okay. I swear I'm done for real this time.

At least there isn't a Poohs Adventures in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I think.


----------



## RetardBus (Apr 28, 2014)

http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Cool_Spot
http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Pepsiman


> Cool Spot is a part of the 7Up logo and a friend of Pooh. His biggest rival is Pepsiman- however, they are forced to work together to stop the evil forces of Coca-Cola.
> 
> *Similarites With Pepsiman*
> 
> ...





> Pepsiman is a manly superhero who sells Pepsi, and a friend of Pooh. Pepsiman does his best to make sure everyone drinks Pepsi soda. He is a superhero and always tries to save the day from the evil forces of a Coca-Cola and 7Up. His rival is Cool Spot.
> 
> *Similarities With Cool Spot*
> 
> ...





> Sega Saturn is a friend of Pooh and one of the leaders of the Sega Unit Patrol Squad 1 Adventure Team. Believe it or not, he is actually a living game console, but he still functions like a real Saturn game system. His sidekick is the Sega Game Gear. He shares a fierce rivalry with Playstationand Nintendo 64.



The evil forces of Coca Cola? Sentient video game consoles? Holy mother of fuck, my gut hurts now.


----------



## Surtur (Apr 28, 2014)

Alan Pardew said:


> Not really lolcow-ish, but since I need something to laugh, here we go: Upcoming GOTY 2014 once it's greenlighted on Steam. Behold the amazing graphics, storyline and gameplay:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I like how he uses "retro" to excuse poor graphics.


----------



## Luna (Apr 28, 2014)

Surtur said:


> I like how he uses "retro" to excuse poor graphics.


That happens a lot. I dunno why people think retro = looks like shit, like seriously the NES might have been limited but that doesn't mean all of the games looked like a mentally deficient rodent drew the graphics for them.


----------



## Surtur (Apr 28, 2014)

Luna said:


> That happens a lot. I dunno why people think retro = looks like shit, like seriously the NES might have been limited but that doesn't mean all of the games looked like a mentally deficient rodent drew the graphics for them.



I remember once, back in thwe day on the Gaming World forums (if anyone remembers that train wreck) someone was posting about a "8 bit" game he was making in RPGMaker2000, and by 8 Bit he meant shitty MS Paint stick art.


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 30, 2014)

My elementary school stalker and his psychotic mom:


Spoiler



Way back in the second grade, I had assigned seating next to this spergy kid named Tyler. I made the mistake of being somewhat nice to him, so he decided to follow me *everywhere*. I actually used to beg him to leave me alone, he flat-out refused. Tyler looked so much like young Chrissy that it always weirds me out to see Chris's school pictures. Anyway, Tyler told all of my classmates that I was his girlfriend, I guess he thought I wasn't being teased enough already. He had this really terrible OC, this middle-aged guy with slick hair and a leather jacket. He used to come up with stupid stories where his OC would be dating whatever character was supposed to be me. Tyler left in the third grade but came back in the fifth and immediately started bothering me again. This time he told all of the other boys in the class that he was in love with me.

I remember Tyler and his mom handing out filthy_ Scooby Doo _birthday invitations in the school parking lot. I pity any kid that made the mistake of going to that "party." Tyler's mom was a complete psychopath. Tyler used to tell me stories about his mom beating the shit out of his sister, at the time I thought he was lying because he would laugh like it was the funniest thing in the world. I think Tyler's mom had Munchhausen Syndrome, it seemed like her daughter was constantly being injured. One day she ran over her daughter with her car, leaving the little girl with permanent brain damage. Right after it happened she was telling my mom and some other women at the school how it happened, all the while laughing about it like it was hysterical.  

I tried looking Tyler up on Facebook, but there are two people who could be him. He's either a tomgirl who constantly posts random access humor, or a fat goth dude who's really into Nicholas Sparks. Both are equally likely._[_/SPOILER]


----------



## Varis (Apr 30, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> My elementary school stalker and his psychotic mom:
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...


The mother isn't much of a lolcow, but rather an ohgodwhycow.  Where were the child protective services?


----------



## José Mourinho (Apr 30, 2014)

Apparently making videos reporting users and flagging their videos while BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWing to the staff about them are worth uploading.














EDIT: His video starring himself ranting about Cartoon Network:


----------



## sm0t (May 2, 2014)

Something of an update regarding my personal lolcow.  I feel like I should preface this with the fact that she works two jobs, I think both part-time, and is going to school for fashion design.

Judging by the multitudes of cosplay photos and posts about her trips to out-of-state conventions that clog up my feed from time to time over the last several months, she has been pouring a lot of her earnings into her cosplay hobby.  I also came to this conclusion after one of her younger brothers gave her some advice about how she should be saving her money and using her creativity for designing original work and not squandering it on derivative work.

Her response?  "I'm working on it.  I don't have my sketchbooks."


----------



## exball (May 5, 2014)

RecordStoreToughGuy said:


> er: 31"]From time to time I start to think about how everyone I ever metwoulds retarded and wonder if I even exist. Either way, I'll tell you about some more of them.
> 
> The Goddamn Deal
> 
> ...


So much is wrong with this post layout.


----------



## RecordStoreToughGuy (May 5, 2014)

post: 218581 said:
			
		

> So much is wrong with this post layout.


Yeah, my tablet spazzed out on me. Also I may have had too much tequila for cinqo de mayo. O_o

Either way I would still read the fuck oyt of Mauvman's blog.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (May 5, 2014)

RetardBus said:


> The parodies of this Pooh's Adventures crap are amazing.



I love the part where BBC scampers down the hall. It always makes me die laughing.


----------



## Randall Fragg (May 8, 2014)

RetardBus said:


> The parodies of this Pooh's Adventures crap are amazing.


OK, now I want to see Pooh's Adventures with Trevor.


----------



## Pine Tar (May 8, 2014)

I've been wanting to tell this story for awhile, but here goes nothing:



Spoiler



She was a part of our group and like any IRL lolcow, we didn't really see too much that was off at first. I'll call her Jenny. But, as the months went by, we realized a few things were off. She was easily offended. Apparently, one of our members (who I shall henceforth refer to as Dean) joked that she would be outside of someone's house naked, bloody and wielding steak knives. She did not like that at all due to her being accused of stalking a man. When same joked about her being a pedophile due to her being attracted to someone ten years younger than her (she's 32, but we didn't know exactly how old she was at the time), she flew into a rage. She became obsessed with a member in our group who I shall call Marcus. Marcus showed some interest in her, but nothing beyond being a friend. Honestly, it reminded me of Chris and Megan, but the genders being reversed. She would constantly RP with him. She thought it was love. He was just lonely. Of course, eventually, she wanted to meet with him. One big problem, though. Jenny lives in North Carolina and Marcus lives in Arizona. We were planning a get together at the head of our group's family's summer house up in New England (I'll call him Frank). Frank was going to pick up a girl named Kristina and Dean. I was supposed to pick up Jenny and another guy named Sammy. I then friend her on Facebook and I start talking to her. It's here that I start realizing just how crazy she really is. Long story short, this woman wants to move out of her mom's house without getting a job first. And she wants to move in with me.

   You see, this is a woman who has never had a job, doesn't have a driver's license, repeated the ninth grade and as I said before is 32 years old. I tell Frank this and when he asks me her age, I told him to guess higher. Frank starts freaking out at how old Jenny is and tells me do not under any circumstances to allow her to move in with you. I tell Jenny that I cannot allow her to live with me and then her mom kicks her out and makes her move into a trailer where she'd pay rent. Jenny then sends me a message blaming me for her circumstances. Number one, she never had a job, ever. She didn't bathe daily (for starters, she's 5'1" and somewhere between 200-250 pounds, I never asked but she did say she weighed at least 200 lbs so things would've gotten bad quick) and she wanted to use me to get closer to her crush. Fast forward to when to when the trip takes place. I get a GPS and my plan was to stay at a hotel in Kentucky and then pick her up in North Carolina. That night, her mother has to be rushed to a hospital due to having an allergic reaction to onions. Realizing that Jenny had saved up only $130 for the trip (if she even saved up money at all), I realized that the right moment to cut her loose had come. I also realized that I didn't have nearly enough money to pick her and Sammy up. I told her that she should probably not go on the trip if her mother was in the hospital. I then tell Sammy that I can't due to not having enough money. Looking back, I feel horrible for not picking Sammy up and that's honestly my biggest regret about the whole trip. Sammy's actually cool and I hate that he was a casualty of all this drama. While I'm up there, Jenny freaks out on Frank and Kristina about how I ditched her. They're PISSED at me, calling me a liar and I almost got kicked out of our group. I decided to drive down to North Carolina to rectify my mistake. I message her and she decides that she doesn't want to be picked up because "I don't ride with liars!". I then decide to get her a bus ticket so she can go up here. She doesn't want that either. And I'm paying for this, mind.

    Anyway, everything worked out between Frank, Kristina and I and we actually really enjoyed each other's company. So, I drive Kristina back to her house in Pennsylvania and I catch a Pirates game on the way back. I go back to Missouri, talk to Frank and Kristina about how we should do this again, story should end right? Hell no. Jenny. is. PISSED. Of course, she tried to hide it with fake pity for Kristina. She said that I was going to rape her. I'm a big Chiefs/Royals fan, so she assumed that I'm a jock. I'm also a huge fan of Pokemon, Mega Man, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. So, because Kristina is kind of a nerd, Jenny assumed that I would have my way with her like it was some episode of Degrassi or some other bullshit. Most I ever did with Kristina was hold her hand and that was due to me driving through fucking West Virginia at night and we were both quite frightened. And that's the most I'll ever do to Kristina because Pine Tar doesn't fuck with people in relationships. What she is really is pissed about two things. Frank and Kristina got into a relationship. And, that I went to see a baseball game and went to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton after not picking her up. The thing is, those two combined cost $63. And gas to pick her up from the hotel I was at in Kentucky alone would have cost me $120 just one way. Remember, she repeated the ninth grade in a rural American high school.  Not the brightest bulb by any standards. Anyway, Sammy was cool with me buying a book of his and that's how I apologized to him. Jenny, however, demands that I apologize to her in front of everyone in the group. Dean tells her that's a dumb idea and it will only cause more drama. But, me wanting this behind me, I accept her demands. I apologize to her in front of everyone in the chatroom and Frank has to tell her how to take an apology. Frank is in his early 20's and he has to tell a woman in her early 30's how to accept an apology. He's actually irate about this. Like legit irate. So, Frank and Dean decide to split the chatroom while Frank is at college. Frank doesn't want to deal with this horsecrap and quite frankly, neither did anyone. And here is where the story takes a massive turn for the creepy. Jenny decideds that the best way to win over her object of affection is to make a doll out of him.




 

Everyone is massively creeped out by it save for Marcus and that's only because he didn't want to offend her by saying that he was creeped out too. Anyway, she continued to cause bullshit over minor issues for the next three months until Kristina decides to ban her ass permanently from the main chatroom.

Jenny's Demands:

-Tell Dean to never spam anymore pony ass. Ever.
-Reset button so my young boy character is not violated.
-Tell Dean to stop violating Marcus and find his own goddamn sweetheart.
-And have my Marcus use the combined power of love and science to beam me back.

Other things:
-Dean was aware of Chris and joked about how his ass looked like Jenny's tits.
-Their family burned their house for insurance money
-She hoards cats
-She asked us for painkillers for her cats
-She claims to be bipolar and bisexual (but, it's fairly obvious that she's neither)
-This isn't the first time she's driven people and it won't be the last
-Jenny claims that her mother wanted me to fuck Jenny
-She propostioned a 16-year old member of the group called Carson. Two things: Carson likes pickles and he's half her age. Carson also didn't like Marcus and Jenny flew into a rage against him demanding why he thought her husbando could be anything less than perfect. Plus, she used Carson to prop her up emotionally. Think about that, a 32-year old woman trying to get a 16-year old kid to emotionally prop her up. who's already got enough problems being openly gay in a small-conservative town. Yeah. She called Carson the "King of (Emotional) Wrecks" because of his dealing with his issues.
-Kristina wanted to ban Jenny before the trip due to her causing drama.
-She's been going to community college for 10 years and she's not even close to graduation.
-When Marcus snapped and got himself banned from the group, he started spamming dicks on our group's page using Goggles. Everyone knew it was Marcus because it was his style and he used a lot of inside jokes of the group. Marcus claimed he was at a movie.
-She spied on everyone using a program to see if they were in the chatroom or not.


----------



## Zeorus (May 8, 2014)

Pine Tar said:


> I've been wanting to tell this story for awhile, but here goes nothing:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



How recently was she banned?


----------



## Pine Tar (May 8, 2014)

Zeorus said:


> How recently was she banned?



5 months ago.


----------



## Mauvman Shuffleboard (May 8, 2014)

RecordStoreToughGuy said:


> Yeah, my tablet spazzed out on me. Also I may have had too much tequila for cinqo de mayo. O_o
> 
> Either way I would still read the fuck oyt of Mauvman's blog.


I made some other posts in this thread, somewhere or other (here they all are for anyone interested).
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4


But it is time once again to write about strange people I know about, now including the power of online socialization!

Honour Roll My Ass


Spoiler



Sometimes you meet a person that seems pretty dumb but you figure out later on they're actually smart. This is in no way an example of that. I'll call this girl Audrey because I don't know how to spell her actual name and it kind of sounds close. Audrey and I went to the same highschool for a few years but she was a year behind so weren't in the same classes, everything I heard about her is second hand. But just as with smoking, it's just as dangerous that way.

To start, I personally suspect that she was in a constant state of being really fucking high because it's the only explanation that I think makes any sense. She was in advanced classes or whatever, but said some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Unfortunately I can't remember much of it.

Since I wasn't ever present around her I can't go into much detail about it, but here are some quick examples.
1) She mixed up Christopher Columbus and Santa Claus and forgot which one wasn't real.
2) She was surprised that they had clothes back in the 1940s (though that is a step up from Obofo who didn't think they had cats).
3) She didn't know that Jews actually existed (or the holocaust happened for that matter)

The only anecdote I have about her is about the time she participated in something the sociology class set up. She walked into the class for some reason and there was a bottle of water sitting on the desk. The class was determined to get the first person that walked in to grab the bottle using only nonverbal communication, such as gesturing toward it and shit like that. During that time nobody was talking and everyone just stared at her as she stood there, absolutely bewildered. After only a mere half hour of encouragement, she grabbed the water bottle. At least she was cute.



Child Labour and Other Delightful Tales


Spoiler



This next fellow was a teacher at that same highschool and I'm convinced they're just Audrey from the future, except kind gross looking. I purposely avoided taking any classes they taught because they're just a flat out bad teacher, and kind of annoying too. But my friends couldn't avoid her entirely and they got to experience the wonder of being taught by a pinhead.

I'll start off with what my sister told me just the other day, she asked how long the cold war lasted or something of the sort.  One of the students said it started mid forties, ended early nineties so that's like 45ish years. The teacher said that the kid was cheating or being unfair because he used math.

Her difficulties with math were apparent in a couple instances, like when she was pitying those poor child labourers that worked 40 hours a day 8 days a week. Or when she was trying to buy two grilled cheeses from down an entire hallway for less the cost of one. Side note: There was a huge line for the grilled cheese and she tried to buy one by yelling down the hall while the guy making them told her she didn't have enough money and even if she did she'd have to get in line.

Needless to say her classes were something of a joke, she showed movies a lot of the time and took ages to set up the VCR/DVD player. The best example was in my friend's Canadian Families class (the class itself would be a joke even without her, it's one of those classes that exist just to give credits to kids too stupid to do real classes so they can graduate and fuck off, like literally nothing is taught in it). They spent 15 minutes waiting for her to get it set up and they watched the first half to three separate episodes of Friends because the teacher wanted to show them a scene but couldn't remember which episode it was in. That was the entire class.

There was also the squared thing that my pal really disliked. In my magical mystical homeland Mauvman is a pretty common first name, we had like 10 in our school of ~500 dudes. Two Mauvmen happened to be in one of the classes she taught and she called them Mauvman squared. My pal disliked this because in no way were they being multiplied and if they were it'd be gross.



What Are Toasters For?


Spoiler



Tubby the Fatass had a few issues with his weight, as you may have gathered by me calling him "Tubby the Fatass." He was huge in all directions except inwards, and his heart (which would later fail during a rousing game of Call of Duty at the age of 15) was two sizes too small. His speaking voice was an unconvincing falsetto and his throat seemed to be growing some sort of bark on it, though at other times it looked like he smeared shit all over it. But most important of all, he was an asshole.

He added one of my friends on the Xbox Live (I think they were cousins) and we played some games with him a few times, but the only reason we kept him around was to make fun of him. He was a few years younger than the rest of us and kept asking us such riddles as "What do cows drink? NOT MILK, YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR SAYING MILK" and "STOP CALLING ME NAMES GUYS," but the one about toasters would always be the best. We were playing Halo or something and we were shooting the dudes and getting shot at by the dudes, and the rest of us were trying to coordinate the dude shooting into the same general direction, usual game type things. All the while he kept trying to ruse us into saying you put toast into a toaster so he could say "NOT TOAST, YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR SAYING TOAST" but he got flustered a lot and ended up just repeating "WHAT ARE TOASTERS FOR?" the entire match.

There was also the time someone said "suck my dick" in his general direction and he retorted with "how about I suck your balls instead?" He was such a pinhead.



Help me Obi-Wan


Spoiler



I'm not sure if it feels like it to anyone else, but everyone named Jimmy is a dipshit. Another jackass I tolerate sometimes brought him in to play D&D or something but he clearly wasn't interested (which in itself isn't a problem, buddy dragging him in to play anyway made it suck). He stuck around for a while but we all wanted him to leave, his character ended up drowning in a sewer.

But much like a gremlin, when you feed them after midnight they start fucking up your minecraft server (worst segue 2014). After that jackass I sometimes tolerate invited him to D&D he brought Jimmy to the group (excluding me because I think Minecraft is a piece of shit) Minecraft server and he started putting in the cheats, breaking shit and stealing stuff. When everyone called him out on his crap he denied it, but he was really shit at convincing anyone. Like he was holding the thing he claimed he didn't steal while denying it.

He was then promptly banned from the chat dealie, minecraft server and all that jazz. Since I was the only one not to explain to him exactly how he was an annoying piece of shit he sent me a message on steam, which I kept just because it was amazing.
"[...]please i am perma blocked and basned from skaya please help me and pled my case i need a friend and u and my only hope. tell skaya that u think i can improve"

Being his friend, and me, and his only hope I told everyone that he sent me that message and we all called him a dipshit together, in glorious harmony.



A Strange Fellow


Spoiler



This dude's actually pretty swell and is one of my buddies now, but there was a time in his life where he was chubby, emo and an asshole. This is about that time in his life and is almost entirely based on my misunderstandings and rumors. But I choose to believe anyway, because it's a lot more interesting.

He came to the school in like grade 8 or something and the first thing he said to me was "I like washing old people." Later I would come to learn it was a Spongebob reference, but that was not really a good first impression.

I didn't hear much more about him for a while, other than he had a strange fixation on short emo girls, to the point that that phrase became sort of his catchphrase. Then I learned of his interactions with one such short emo girl. He bit her purse a lot, stole some tampons (and kept them for years) and somehow got another man's semen on his chest as an indirect result of asking to put on her sweater. Which is kind of gross, but that's just my opinion in this site okay?

Speaking of semen, there's the time he masturbated into an onion at a birthday party. Or there isn't that time, because I later learned I had somehow fabricated that accusation. But for 6 fucking years I was under the impression that that did in fact happen and he was my friend anyway.



Moral of the story: there's a little skeleton inside all of us, and some of us are inside onions, except not really.


----------



## Varis (May 9, 2014)

Mauvman Shuffleboard said:


> (which would later fail during a rousing game of Call of Duty at the age of 15)


Not sure if joking...


----------



## RecordStoreToughGuy (May 10, 2014)

Thanks for the links to your other posts, Mauvman. The new one was lulzy.


----------



## BRICKS Wangler (May 11, 2014)

i enjoy the stories of MauvmanShuffleboard hes one cool cat I can tell and he knows A lot of wacky persons


----------



## José Mourinho (May 11, 2014)

BRICKS Wangler said:


> i enjoy the stories of MauvmanShuffleboard hes one cool cat I can tell and he knows A lot of wacky persons


 i agree great post


----------



## BRICKS Wangler (May 11, 2014)

yeah they're entertaining


----------



## Overcast (May 11, 2014)

On this one site I frequent, The Escapist, there's this one guy called Eternalnothingness (currently called Commander_PonyShep as this site allows you to change your username whenever you want.).



Spoiler



He's obsessed with My Little Pony, Sonic, AND Mass Effect. And nearly all of his threads have him talking about stuff such as ME3's ending (of which he constantly brings up even to this day) how he hates how useless Sonic's friends apparently are, and of course bitches about MLP.

His latest thread (as of now)

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...finale-discussion-predictions-SPOILERS?page=1

has him talking about how the princesses will be killed off at the end of season 4 and how how Twilight will outlive her friends and spend the rest of her life alone and mourning for her friends. Despite the fact that this is a show about technicolor ponies aimed towards little girls and how that kind of thing would be pretty inconsistent with the overall tone of the show.

Typical sperg brony right? Well...

https://twitter.com/WanWeengedAnjil

Basically, his twitter feed comprises of him constantly asking the creators of the show about stuff that they're not allowed to answer, such as what will happen at the end of season 4. And he asks the same questions over. And over. And over. AND OVER again.

He usually asks them in the dumbest ways possible:

"Will Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Spike die in the MLP Season 4 finale? No spoilers, please."

He also raged at a guy called Adam Sessler for apparently hating on Sonic's friends for FIVE. FUCKING. MONTHS.

He also has an inflation fetish:

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...orite-part-of-todays-MLP-FiM-episode-SPOILERS

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/for...ugs-Bunny-cartoons-where-Bugs-has-a-big-belly



Needless to say, he's a pretty enjoyable source of entertainment for me and people on The Escapist.


----------



## Zeorus (May 11, 2014)

scorptatious said:


> On this one site I frequent, The Escapist, there's this one guy called Eternalnothingness (currently called Commander_PonyShep as this site allows you to change your username whenever you want.).
> 
> 
> 
> ...








I say.  A most disturbing individual indeed.


----------



## Fishkill (May 12, 2014)

The community I grew up in had a Star Wars FanForce, and the founder of it was an retard. I don't believe it exists anymore since we grew up and the new generation of Star Wars fans are troglodytes.


Spoiler



Lets call him Gabriel, we arent friends anymore IMO. Anyway he always had a little bit of an unhealthy interest in Natalie Portman (nothing wrong with that. She's one of the hottest white women of all time.) but when Episode I came out, it pushed him over the edge. We were playing the Star Wars RPG at the time, and he was an ok GM. Before Episode II at least, thats when things got really autistic. But Padmé had way too much significance in the games he made up. Anyway, around the time Episode II came out, we were basically playing his sex fantasies. Complete with Anakin complaining he wasn't getting any over a Holocom,that was a common thing for him, I dont know why. He had a fanfiction book that we found at one point and since he was out,we read for shits and giggles. It was fetishitistic as hell, the main thing was femdom, but not against him, IIRC they were self inserts, so like Anakin got teased and denied and Bounty Hunter Gabriel or Jedi Gabriel came and got laid in front of Anakin and Anakin bitched and got off. Not kidding, that was 90% of his Fanfiction. He also had a custom made T-shirt that said "Are you an Angel from the moons of lego?" And had Padmé holding her breasts. And he didnt just wear it to the FanForce, he wore it as much as he could. In fact there was a game that he made up about Padmé giving the group playing a quest, and the one who did the quest the best got to fuck her. He got kicked out of the group eventually, and he runs a Padmé/Anakin fansite called Moons of lego now.We havent talked in ages. This is just the tip of the iceberg.


I could tell more stories about this guy if you want me to.


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## Zeorus (May 12, 2014)

Fishkill said:


> The community I grew up in had a Star Wars FanForce, and the founder of it was an exceptional individual. I don't believe it exists anymore since we grew up and the new generation of Star Wars fans are troglodytes.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...



Please do.


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## Ze Red Medic (May 13, 2014)

scorptatious said:


> He also raged at a guy called Adam Sessler for apparently hating on Sonic's friends for FIVE. FUCKING. MONTHS.



The guy that used to co-host X-Play?


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## Randall Fragg (May 13, 2014)

Lolcow I knew in real life would be this dude at my high school I'll call Nick A. Now, Nick A is almost a parody of a "whigga". A "whigga" is a white guy who acts like a stereotypical black guy. Dude was fucking hilarious. Here he is, a skinny white dude, talking like the sort of stereotypical hoodlum that haunts old racist people's nightmares. He's all like "Yo, knowwhati'msaying, I'm from the ghetto son, I'm keeping it real." This is a guy who grew up in one of the richest counties in the country and seemed to believe that he was living in the inner city. He was also a fanatical fan of Kayne West, wasn't all that smart, and might have been armored closet gay. He was hilarious.


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## Overcast (May 13, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> The guy that used to co-host X-Play?



I assume so. I remember reading his name before, but couldn't remember who exactly he was, so I looked his name up on Google and found that he used to do that.


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## Surtur (May 13, 2014)

Fishkill said:


> The community I grew up in had a Star Wars FanForce, and the founder of it was an exceptional individual. I don't believe it exists anymore since we grew up and the new generation of Star Wars fans are troglodytes.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...



Do tell.


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## sparklemilhouse (May 14, 2014)

> . Or when she was trying to buy two grilled cheeses from down an entire hallway for less the cost of one. Side note: There was a huge line for the grilled cheese and she tried to buy one by yelling down the hall while the guy making them told her she didn't have enough money and even if she did she'd have to get in line.



This was my favorite part.


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## Ti-99/4A (May 15, 2014)

I almost married one.

I tried to write a coherent story about it, but I'll just give the highlights.

She was a bit of an SJW. She couldn't get ahead because she was a woman, over weight, pagan and 1/4 Native American, but you'd never know the last one if she didn't bring it up constantly.

I'll give her a little credit, she never gave radical Islam a pass.

If I gave another girl a second glance, she'd throw a fit.

She had major elitism and entitlement issues. She got her animation degree from Full Sail, and with her additional associates in web design and a bachelors degree in art, she was going to be bringing in 6 figures by the time she was 30.

Pitched a fit when her grandparents only gave her $25 on her birthday. She was 27, and they along with her stepfather had helped pay her way to college.

There was a christmas party at her work and everyone got her some sort of present. They weren't good enough for her and I watched her take them out of the trunk of her car and throw them right in the garbage can.

That car I just mentioned was supposed to be OUR car, since I had to cosign for it. I can count on one hand the number of times I was allowed to drive it, and it was never for more than a couple of miles down the street.

For an artist, animator, and web designer, I can count on one hand how many times she brought out the paints, easel and canvas, I never saw her work on any CG stuff, and maybe once or twice she putzed around on her overloaded with flash and right click disabled web site. I don't recall ever seeing her demo reel and if I did it wasn't anything special.

For someone who supposedly loved me and wanted me to succeed, she went out of her way to sabotage my attempts while squandering her chances, then blaming it on being oppressed.

She couldn't be bothered with most housework or cooking because her part time desk job was sooo tiring and doormat sikotik was there and would do anything she asked.

She thought that mentally ill people were weak and needed to suck it up, because she was raped and got over it without any therapy or meds.

She really wanted me to go back to school and major in computer science since I was good with computers. I told her that I didn't think I had the head for all of the mathematics involved, and if she got upset with me spending more than an hour trying to build my modeling and animation skills then how would she deal with me sitting at the kitchen table doing math homework ALL NIGHT like my father had to. She said it was different because I was never going to get anywhere with animation because I didn't go to Full Sail like she did or an AI or SCAD, etc. Eventually she settled for me getting another associate, this time in filmmaking.

SO while I'm going to school all day and working all night, she's cheating on me with one of her students. It's not that freaky since they were both in their late 20's. I found out and she said that I was a schizophrenic and I scared her despite never having done a single thing to warrant it. And thus it ended. I moved back to my old apartment with my old roommate and his new meth addict abusive roommate which I mentioned in the Welfare thread.

Last I heard she married the guy, got divorced 2 year later and was waiting tables and selling art on the side. No six figure salary at PIXAR or whatever the fuck she thought she was going to do.

And I'm on the .

I guess in the end I'm the lolcow for putting up with her as long as I did and letting it break me.


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## Old Greg (May 16, 2014)

CoolDudeClem on youtube is mine. He has so many parallels with Chris, around 30 and still living with his mum living the life of a child.

https://www.youtube.com/user/CoolDudeClem


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## sparklemilhouse (May 16, 2014)

> She got her animation degree from Full Sail,



Oh geez.


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## Colress (May 16, 2014)

tell more stories, these are gold


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## ZepFloyd94 (May 18, 2014)

I've been lurking here for 40+ pages, and what could be more fitting for my first post than a quick little LOLcow story of someone I knew in high school.

Anyways, my personal LOLcow was your typical Alex Jones/NWO obsessed/9-11 was an inside job fanatic. She also had a few socialist/communist tendancies.

The sad part is, she started out as a more or less normal person in my freshmen and sophmore years and we were good friends. She started becoming a LOLcow around junior year. Also around this time, she stopped coming to school. I forgot why she stopped coming, but everyone in school just assumed that she was dead.

When I had her on my FB list, she would always, and I mean ALWAYS, post links to news stories that may or not actually be true. All of the links, the only one that stands out to me is this story that Pepsi was made from aborted baby fetuses (Yes, she thought this was legit news)

Normally, I would just ignore her spam on my newsfeed, but it soon got pretty bad when she started spamming MY wall with her 'news' stories. Eventually, I decided that enough was enough and did what several of classmates already did and unfriended her.

Not entirely sure what she's up to today, but I'm pretty sure that she's a lost cause at this point.


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## RetardBus (May 18, 2014)

ZepFloyd94 said:


> NWA obsessed



You mean NWO? I wouldn't think that most nut job conspiracy theorists would be obsessed with a gangster rap group.


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## ZepFloyd94 (May 18, 2014)

^Fixed. Can't believe I fucked that up


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## RetardBus (May 18, 2014)

ZepFloyd94 said:


> ^Fixed. Can't believe I fucked that up


We all make embarrassing typos at times, don't let it haunt you.


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## Axiom (May 18, 2014)

There's this guy I work with who's actually pretty nice, he's friendly and does his job well, but who is almost at a Chris-like level of desperation for a girlfriend.

It's weird, he doesn't do anything creepy, doesn't touch any of us girls, or stare inappropriately, or make lewd comments. He just REALLY wants a girlfriend. And he asks EVERYBODY advice and stuff because he has such crap self-esteem. He asked me and at least three other girls at work if we thought he was attractive, and to 'rate' him on a scale of one to ten. (Interestingly, we all said 'seven' just because we didn't want to hurt his feelings and 7/10 is still a C.) He asked if he should keep growing his goatee or shave it off, should he get contacts, what kind of guys do I go for, what should he ask or talk about with a girl has interested in... he asked me what it meant when a girl smiled at him (my answer: 'It means she smiled at you.') He even asked me to compare him and another of our male coworkers one a one-to-ten scale and asked this same guy to be his wingman so he could meet girls.

It's kind of sad. He's not a creep about it, and isn't demanding attention or affection, and he just genuinely seems lonely and wants companionship. It's not like he's Chris and every girl at work is a potential sweetheart. So it's hard to be cross with him. Mostly I just feel really sorry for him because he has zero self-esteem.

Maybe we could take a collection at work and pay an escort or something...


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## telegramsamo (May 19, 2014)

This is my favorite IMDb sperg, Alex. He is a *huge* Nostalgia Critic fan-boy, and is unable to form his own opinions about anything. He's actually admitted that he's stopped liking things just because someone on TGWTG gave it a negative review. I first encountered him on the Rupert Everett message boards.


Spoiler














Here are some highlights from one of his dumber lists, his "dream cast" for a movie about Uwe Boll.


Spoiler



















Some movie "reviews."


Spoiler










...And here are a couple of gems from his Facebook page.


Spoiler


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## Pine Tar (May 19, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> This is my favorite IMDb sperg, Alex. He is a *huge* Nostalgia Critic fan-boy, and is unable to form his own opinions about anything. He's actually admitted that he's stopped liking things just because someone on TGWTG gave it a negative review. I first encountered him on the Rupert Everett message boards.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...



So, he's got unlimited potential for sperging. 

Seriously, great find. This guy made me laugh when he seriously talked about putting Spoony and Doug Walker in a biopic about Uwe Boll. Wow, just .


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## telegramsamo (May 19, 2014)

Pine Tar said:


> So, he's got unlimited potential for sperging.



I've actually sent him messages, but he never responds to anything. He's kind of rude, like, he'll ask people for information, and he never says "thank you" when he gets it.


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## pickleniggo (May 19, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> This is my favorite IMDb sperg, Alex. He is a *huge* Nostalgia Critic fan-boy, and is unable to form his own opinions about anything. He's actually admitted that he's stopped liking things just because someone on TGWTG gave it a negative review. I first encountered him on the Rupert Everett message boards.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...


Jesus Christ. 
Is it wrong that I want this person to make some youtube videos that I could watch in horror?


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## ZepFloyd94 (May 19, 2014)

Here's a couple of minor ones.

Linkara





Some TGWTG reviewer who went on a tangent last year throwing his fans that use Adblock under the bus. Honestly, if it wasn't for his cameos in the NC reviews, nobody would've given two shits about his comic book and Power Rangers videos.

Kevin Craft





Some supposed comedian/news reporter that makes money off people's deaths (Andy GRIFFIN) and other tragedies. Also, he thinks anyone that calls him out for his YouTube whore actions is a 'hater' Just pathetic.


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## guau (May 20, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> This is my favorite IMDb sperg, Alex. He is a *huge* Nostalgia Critic fan-boy, and is unable to form his own opinions about anything. He's actually admitted that he's stopped liking things just because someone on TGWTG gave it a negative review. I first encountered him on the Rupert Everett message boards.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...


I thought Swept Away ruined Madonna's film career and W.E was the final nail in the bloated zombie corpse? I can't stand TGWTG ugh..


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## José Mourinho (May 20, 2014)

Let's watch a Nostalgia Critic wannabe reviewing an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine that _RUINED HIS CHILDHOOD FOREVAR ;_;_

Also, be sure to act angry a lot to attract attention from the viewers!


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## telegramsamo (May 21, 2014)

Another one of my IMDb spergs. This one is a literal neck-bearded fedora wearer. He's a Nostalgia Critic fan too, although his main obsession is Chloe Grace Moretz:


Spoiler


























He's also written hundreds of long, rambling reviews for episodes of _Home Improvement_ and _Little House on the Prairie_:


Spoiler


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## Anonimo (May 21, 2014)

I knew a lolcow who lived in my community that used to visit a swim club that I live near. My brothers and I used to trade Pokemon cards with some of the other kids during the adult swims at the pool, and that's how we met him. He didn't seem like a bad guy at first, but then around the time his grandmother died, he got pretty bad.

He tried forcing himself on other people using his grandmother's death as an excuse. And his mother was a serious enabler. I described in the SJW thread how I lived in a community full of stuck ups, and this woman was one of them. Whenever someone refused to let her special little snowflake hang out with them, she would get up in their faces and tell them that they had to. These kids of course would tell their parents about it and raise a stink about it with her. And when the mother wasn't trying to dump her son on other people, she was bragging about how both she and her family were all top quality citizens of our community.

On a brighter note, J seemed to mellow out by the time he was in high school and seemed to become a better person. He even made a few kids when he joined the band. Though to this day, I wonder if he may have been autistic...


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## TopperHay (May 21, 2014)

This guy is somebody from DeviantArt that I've known for a while. He's not too bad but sometimes his attitude can be intolerable. 



Spoiler



The main thing being that he whines. About everything. He whines that he doesn't have enough time to draw, but he has plenty of time to do his 'Friday Night Rituals' which consist of stuffing his face with food, watching Star Trek and music videos and recording this said ritual and uploading them onto the internet.

Then he whines that people don't pay enough attention to his art. He draws at least once every six months and it's almost always the same characters. In the same pose. Sometimes in a different outfit, but they're mostly standing and grinning inanely. And he tends to shoehorn them into every conversation with little to no provocation and expects everyone to know them inside out and gush about them as often as he does. He's also a comment beggar. He goes around begging for comments on his art and videos when he hardly ever leaves any himself unless the piece contains his characters in them.

There's a "Whose Line is it Anyway?" art jam I've participated in and he whined about that too. About how he desperately wanted to join in but he couldn't because he "couldn't think of a joke" and that the jam was "too hard" for him to do. First off, if you watch Whose Line, then it's pretty easy to make a simple situation funny with just a few phrases and your imagination. Secondly, he's not even a fan of Whose Line is it Anyway. That's like complaining that the line to go on the roller-coaster is too long, but you don't even like roller-coasters. The mind boggles.

This one incident really made me feel that I was being taken for granted by him. A few days before my birthday he showed me a sketch of my characters he did as a surprise. He said he probably wouldn't have it done on time for my birthday, but he said he'd finish it as soon as he could. I thought it was nice of him to tell me in advance, so I thanked him and let him know I was grateful. Around 3 months after my birthday I was hosting a Livestream and he piped up to ask me if I was going to finish a bunch of sketches I did for him. It took me a while to remember what he was talking about, but then I realised he was talking about some sketch requests I did almost a year ago which I had lost due to my computer crashing. He then berated me on how I should always keep my promises and finish things off when I said I would. I then remembered the birthday picture, so I asked him if he had finished it yet. He then got all defensive and listed off a mile of excuses on how he "didn't feel inspired enough" and that he had "very little creative mojo". After the stream he sent me the progress of the picture. In the span of three months he had inked one of the two characters and that's all. So he pretty much told me he didn't finish it because he couldn't be bothered. And then he has the gall to complain when people don't draw him a picture for his birthday.


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## ZepFloyd94 (May 23, 2014)

Another brief Lolcow from high school



Spoiler



This guy was a strange Christian fanatic wigger. Aside from doing (terrible) rap songs, he would sometimes go on these long and utterly retarded rants about the bible and how God will judge us all. Normally I ignored this clown, except for this one time in senior year. We were watching a 9/11 documentary done by another student (my high school was also dedicated to making movies). At one point, footage of people jumping from the burning Twin Towers was shown. After the movie, this jackass said "Well, all those people that jumped, they're all burning in hell, because it's a sin to kill yourself" I looked at him afterwards and thought "I would love to see this guy say that in front of someone who lost family/friends/co-workers on that day" The cummupance he'd get would be epic.


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## WWWWolf (May 24, 2014)

Haven't managed to get into this thread that much, but I guess I should.

I might as well share the _real_ reason why I think ED (to lesser extent) and CWCki are awesome. Because they kind of relate to what I did years ago. _They keep the spirit alive._

The first lolcow I ran into was a fellow by the name of Sami Sihvonen, in the 1990s and early 2000s.

Yes, this was before the Internet got popular. Sihvonen made his name widely known in Finnish dial-up BBS world. (And, of course, that's his real name. People were more cool about using their real names in BBS days.) I wasn't around at the time, but his first act was to show up in BBSes in mid-1995 as "Tintti" or "Alexandra", and she was running her own BBS or something. Of course, the first reaction to that from the BBS users was OMG A GIRL ON THE INTERWEB BBSES???!?! LET'S GIVE HER ALL THE STUFF!!!! - but of course, after ending up in gigantic flamewars and showing up under his real name as Tintti's "brother", people started smelling a hint of fishiness. He finally came clean about this in the end of 1995. He showed up in the Usenet toward the end of 1990s, and had his own web page too.

Of course, pretending to be a girl was by far not the only thing that made him controversial - he generally had some... odd opinions about technology, and thus he tended to ignite all sorts of flamewars. He kind of had the DarkSydePhil-esque attitude of saying all sorts of programs/operating systems were crap when he actually just couldn't comprehend them. He was also a gigantic Microsoft fan (remember that this was the era when Windows was justifiably everyone's _least_ favourite operating system), and though Windows NT was totally godly. He also kept saying that he had an unbelievably powerful computer that had all the bells and whistles and had a broadband internet connection in his home (in 1990s that would have been pretty much unavailable for average users). Of course, IPs in his Usenet posts pointed to the local library, or other free Internet access points. Hmm...

And he generally made a gigantic nuisance of himself in Linux discussion groups. He constantly bragged about the geeky power-user tricks he had done, and then complained that Linux is sooooo unusable and unstable (as a direct result of his tricks of course) and Windows NT is totally where it's at. ("I don't think average user should need to binary-patch the kernel with gdb, that is pretty far from user-friendly!")
(Worth noting is that the father of Linux, Linus Torvalds, usually didn't have time to participate in the Finnish Usenet groups related to Linux. The _only_ time I saw him show up in there was to offer a reply to him. "Oh, Sami-boy really knows what he's talking about. _Not._" - Linus Torvalds)

So, you may be asking, where's the connection to CWCki and related projects?
People were documenting and analysing his weirdness.
_In the bloody BBS era._
People started discussing him in the FidoNet, and uploading files containg evidence and analysis of his behaviour. These files then got widely distributed.
When the web rolled about, people started making web pages about him.
Funny thing, Sihvonen even had the gall to create his own finet.* Usenet group (basically the Finnish equivalent of alt.* hierarchy where everyone can create Usenet groups). He said that he had set up group rules and that he had the right to "retroactively moderate" the group - of course, the actual group creation message was blank and there was no mention of moderation anywhere, thus making it an unmoderated discussion group. (Never mind that Usenet has no "retroactive" moderation to begin with...) Of course, people immediately used the group to discuss his weird antics elsewhere in he Usenet.
And I even made a stab at making a FAQ of him at the time, too. Prelude to all this CWCkiesque stuff we see today.

So where is he now? Hell if I know. The thing is, he was kind of notorious, and these days, it's good to see that if you behave like a dick, people generally start discussions online. Back when he was still actively in the Usenet, I recall him bragging several times about how he abused welfare programs. He also had the penchant for various shady businesses, as I recall. In the following years, he apparently sold a bunch of stuff online (cell phones, DVDs, whatever), received money but never shipped the goods, and kept doing that despite of getting caught and getting convicted (I can't remember the exact details though), and started using various fake names too. And yeah, I only know about this because somehow, people keep bringing up this stuff online.


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## not the bees (May 29, 2014)

I met this girl in middle school. We became fast friends, but it would take some time before I realized she had some screws loose.



Spoiler



So I became friends with a girl named who I'll call Katie. I met her in the 8th grade, and she was 15 years old, so she had been held back at some point. She was bisexual, pagan/wiccan, pro-life, and at that time, "gothic". She lived on the bad side of town, in the projects. She wasn't very smart, no matter how much you tried to explain something to her it always goes over her head.

She wrote a lot of terrible poetry and stories. I seriously regret not capping it at the time, for it was all deleted when she would delete her myspace just to make a new one a week later. There was a lot a lulzy stuff.

The first time I remember thinking that something wasn't right with her was when she started dating this guy at school. He was in 6th grade, so that made him 11-12 years old. Granted he looked like he could easily pass for a high school kid, but still, it was pretty fuckin' weird. They broke up after a week or two though, and he told her "it's not you, it's me."

About a month or two later she starts dating another guy, I'll call him Mark. Mark was 28-years-old. I immediately told her she was being stupid, which she didn't like and she stopped talking to me. Good riddance right? Well, it wasn't long, for she crawled right back to me a few months later. She told me that she dated him because he was suicidal and she was afraid that if she didn't he would hurt himself, and that he also had a kid. Again, I told her she was being stupid. Some time later he was arrested and in prison for a year or so, for heroin I think? It could have also been meth. You could tell by looking at him that he was a drug addict.

So she stops dating him because he had ex-gf drama, and some time passes. At one point she becomes suicidal, again, and tells me that if her dad finds out he'll send her to the "looney bin" where they will "put her in a straight jacket and lock her in a padded room." Yes, she actually believes that's what it's like in a mental hospital. I had to explain to her that those places are not like cartoons.

A couple weeks later, she drops a bombshell on me; she told me that her dad molested her. At this point I take everything she says with a grain of salt, but in case it was true I told her that the best option would be to talk to her mom and the police. So she decided that the best time to call the police was while she was with him at a large family function/reunion. She was surprised when a lot of his family got pissed off.

He was arrested, convicted, and thrown in prison. Despite everything I wouldn't be surprised if he actually did do it. I met the guy once and he was a creep. He would call his daughters sexy, right in front of everyone. It was creepy as hell.

And then, things with her got a lot more crazy.

She started dating some black guy, and decided that being "gothic" was "crazii". She decided that she was now a "ghetto gurl" or something along those lines. She told me that she now "loved black cock". Her words, not mine. Later she would claim that this guy was arrested for pointing a water gun at a little kid, broke into a church to steal money, and apparently stole jewelry from her mom. I didn't believe that last part because months later he would still be hanging out at her house. In fact I didn't really believe any of it, because everything she said sounded like bullshit.

Oh, and he gave her chlamydia. She had to go to an ob/gyn after that, and claimed that the doctor violated her. I asked her how, and she said that they were rude and the doctor stuck her fingers in her vagina. You know, because that's not what happens when you get a pelvic exam.

After that, she would have several pregnancies. Most of them would end in a miscarriage, and she had one abortion. After vehemently arguing against abortion for the longest time. She claimed that the miscarriages and the abortion was because of her "rare heart condition."

There was always some new lie: she got signed by a modeling agency (bullshit), she was raped in the light of day on the sidewalk by two guys (bullshit), she was moving to Las Vegas (bullshit), etc. At this point I only remained friends with her purely for the lulz.

Then it got really interesting. She had two new "best friends" with private myspaces, with profile pictures of girls who would be at the top of the page if you google image searched "scene kids". She would pretend to be them and talk to me on AIM as them, I played along because it was funny. Then one night she told me she had a bunch of friends over, because when you have like five people over you talk to people on AIM right? Anyway, she told me that one of the guys there kept flirting with her, and at one point he was "talking" to me on AIM. "He" told me that he was going "to have her tonight, one way or another."
Twenty minutes later she said she saw him "try to put a vial of blue stuff in her drink."

I'm not sure how to describe what happened next. She had some kind of fictitious meltdown, where she turned into like, some 8-year-old girl and talked about her dad and sent a bunch of other messages that was just infantile babbling. She told me that the only things she knew was "me and her keyboard," that she didn't even know who she was. Men were all out to hurt her, blah blah blah. Later her "friend" came on and told me before she had her "meltdown", she was frozen in some kind of fetal position on the floor. "She" told me not to tell Katie what had happened that night (apparently she already knew she would forget) because she might "freeze up again, and never come back."

The next day, Katie told me she woke up with a headache and asked what happened last night. I played along with her game and told her nothing.

The next week, the "girl" I had talked to committed suicide, and the other fake girl died for some unexplained reason. She didn't talk to me as much after that.

Now she's "married" with two kids. One of them is named "Lelu." I feel sorry for her children.



Sorry if it's too long. I actually left a lot out.
TL;DR: crazy girl with daddy problems.


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## ASoulMan (May 29, 2014)

MrPunchDrunk1 

He was a sonic fan/weeaboo who constantly bothered someone I followed on YouTube a while back because he preferred the classic games over the newer ones. He lurked in his comments section for almost a year and half and liked to either play the victim or try to change the subject whenever he debated people. He had an article on ED until the site went down.

Then there's TidalWave on SonicHentai.net.


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## Ze Red Medic (May 31, 2014)

Alright, so this one is going to hit even closer to home, considering May is like the little sister I never had.



Spoiler



A few posts back I mentioned my friend May, who is doing a bit better nowadays, though she had to return home due to several other issues I'm not going to discuss here, though the primary reason is due to having not been able to find a job. I digress.

So May has an older sister, Charity. Charity is almost 40, but acts like a teenager, is mother to several kids, all of them possibly by different fathers. According to May, there's at least four guys involved.

Now for some background. I'd known May for a while, and have known about Charity for quite as long, due to Charity constantly begging May for money for her kids, and just listening to some of the stories she'd told me about growing up with a bitch for a sister. May never usually gave in to the begging, though every once in a while she'd treat the kids to something nice without Charity knowing about it.

Charity ran around town a lot as a teenager, and as a result had done a lot of stupid things that unfortunately made May's mother basically keep May on a leash (think of an annoying helicopter parent). When Charity was 14, she got pregnant. She'd be pregnant two more times before she hit 21.

Before May started college, Charity basically dumped all the kids she had on her parents (and consequently May, as she was still at home at that time) and ran off with this guy she'd talked to in a chatroom from overseas, and lived over there for about a year or so. And of course, when she returned, she was pregnant again.

Fast forward to a couple of summers ago, after May ended up back home, and was working mostly with computers at that time. Charity and her kids showed up on her parents' doorstep, saying they needed a place to stay.

According to May, it all went downhill from there. I guess May ended up having her internet connection drop for a while due to Charity and her kids constantly using it. Their ISP was crap, which having used it before? Yeah. Several hours just to download a game under a gigabyte.

Anyway, Charity started taking things, and blaming May for it. Their parents knew it was bullshit, though, so thankfully May didn't have to deal with that, but Charity didn't hesitate to tell people that would listen to her about how 'horrible' May was. May's younger nephews would also end up infecting their grandmother's computer with a ton of stuff due to looking up porn as well, and May had to clean that shit out. She wasn't amused.

And that was another thing, Charity is a compulsive liar, on top of it all, because she kept saying she NEEEEEEDED the internet connection at her disposal because she was supposedly working on a novel with Danielle Steele. I didn't know who Danielle Steele was, but it did turn out to be bullshit,  either way. Truth was, Charity was constantly playing IMVU on her laptop all hours of the day and night, and constantly complaining about it lagging if May tried to use the internet.

This all came to a head one morning, after their connection had gone down the night before, May had told her sister then that it was something on the ISP's end, not anything going on with the router or anything like that, so whatever she was doing would have to wait until morning. So come morning, May walks out into the living room where she sees her sister hovering over their mother's computer, with a bunch of cords and stuff pulled out. Charity then whined to May that the connection wasn't working, so she went out and *bought a new router*.

May, having had enough of this bullshit, proceeded to call her out on it. She'd told her sister that she needed to learn to leave other people's stuff alone, especially if she was a guest in the house. Now, both of their parents were gone when this happened, but one of May's oldest nephews was there, and thank goodness for that.

So Charity grabs her cellphone and runs out the back door, quickly dialing someone to cry to, while May tried to fix the damage. In the end they ended up having to replace a couple of their ethernet cords because Charity somehow broke them when trying to connect everything up.

May goes to the back door to tell her sister that the cords are busted. Her sister comes in, and pushes May, calling her a bitch and several other names. May had had enough, and ended up pushing back, to which Charity punched her in the face. May pushed back, but Charity then attempted to choke her, which failed, and May went for her throat instead. Charity sunk her nails into May's cheek so hard that she ended up drawing a lot of blood, and left several gashes in her face. May showed me the pictures that were taken after the incident, and the scars she now has on her face because of her sister.

Now Charity wasn't charged with anything, as far as I know, mainly because after all that, she still insisted that she was the innocent party, and that May was crazy (LAST fucking thing that girl needed, I tell you) and tried to turn most of the family against May. That was the last time May had heard from one of her eldest nephews, apparently. The one that witnessed the entire ordeal (and had broken up the fight) doesn't talk to Charity anymore.

Charity moved out not too long after that. May's still trying to get her life back together, but she didn't need any of that bullshit.


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## Lady Houligan (May 31, 2014)

Ze Red Medic said:


> Alright, so this one is going to hit even closer to home, considering May is like the little sister I never had.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Holy Christ...


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## Cutlery Cat (Jun 1, 2014)

It's about time I gave something back, and post a tale of two lolcows I used to know, Weasel and Wombat.

Weasel was a skinny stoner absolutely convinced he was intellectually superior to everybody. He rarely had a job and paid rent from his tugboat, the rest of which went mainly on comics – lots of comics.
His one real talent was for leeching off other people, as we shall see.

Wombat was a placid fat bloke and unlike Weasel, he had a job. He'd bought his own house and Weasel lived there as a lodger. Despite his easy going nature, he could be as annoying as Weasel given the right circumstances, usually if you disagreed with his head canon of his favourite comics.


So, one day Weasel decides he wants an expensive new stereo. His tugboat is already committed to buying comics and he doesn't have a credit card.
Luckily for him, Wombat does. Within a week, the new stereo has been delivered and in typical Weasel style, he's not gone for second best. The thing cost a fucking fortune and Weasel has agreed to pay Wombat the card payments until it's paid off. Like someone else we know, he pays the bare minimum each month. As you can imagine, the interest shot up.
However, Weasel has been keeping a tally of how much he's paid. The instant he's paid Wombat the initial price of the stereo, he tells him “I've paid the stereo off, the rest is your problem”. By this time, the interest was a bloody huge sum. This prompted a huge fight, but Wombat ended up paying the interest.


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## Anonimo (Jun 1, 2014)

Cutlery Cat: Wombat doesn't really sound like much a lolcow, the whole headcanon thing notwithstanding. He seemed like apart from that he actually had his shit together and Weasel just took advantage of his better nature by the sound of it and paid the price for it (pun not intended)

Ze Red Medic: You know it's kind of funny how for someone with the name "Charity" she took more than she gave. I hope your friend May is alright after dealing with all that bullshit, and from her older sister no less! I think as long as Charity's out of the picture, things can only get better for her here on out.


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## Cutlery Cat (Jun 1, 2014)

Anonimo, I think you're right - I should have said one lolcow and foil!

A thing I should have pointed out as well was that this wasn't a one off. Weasel was constantly pulling stunts like this, he was able to twist Wombat round his little finger. 
He got so used to getting away with it, he'd throw a real strop when he tried it on someone else and it didn't work.

Anyway, I feel better for posting it and getting it out of my system.


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## Ze Red Medic (Jun 2, 2014)

Anonimo said:


> Cutlery Cat: Wombat doesn't really sound like much a lolcow, the whole headcanon thing notwithstanding. He seemed like apart from that he actually had his shit together and Weasel just took advantage of his better nature by the sound of it and paid the price for it (pun not intended)
> 
> Ze Red Medic: You know it's kind of funny how for someone with the name "Charity" she took more than she gave. I hope your friend May is alright after dealing with all that bullshit, and from her older sister no less! I think as long as Charity's out of the picture, things can only get better for her here on out.



She's doing better. Her biggest obstacle right now is just trying to find a job in the area she lives in, which not much is really there. I told her she ought to seek something around here, she could room with me if she needed to. Just something that would get her away from her family and give her some semblance of independence, you know?

As for Charity, bitch can rot in hell. I guess on top of everything else she'd also tried to swindle money out of their parents while stealing a lot of May's stuff (May used to collect a few dolls and figurines that she'd kept on her desk or in a display case) which resulted in some Pirates of the Caribbean stuff and a couple of Monster High dolls getting stolen. That isn't counting any video games, movies, or books, either, a lot of her Wii games and a couple of the Wiimotes ended up missing, too.


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## Lady Houligan (Jun 2, 2014)

In light of my reading the ForeverKailyn thread, I remembered a wee little lolcow from my summer as a day camp counselor. A lolcalf if you will.


Spoiler: Summer days driftin' away to ah, to the lolcow nights



So we'll call this tyke Anthony. Anthony had fetal alcohol syndrome and was a spoiled brat if ever there was one. He was part of the before and after care at camp, as his mother would drop him off as SOON as she was allowed to and was always the very last one to pick him up. (She was a stay at home mom and he an only child. Make of that what you will. I know I did.) He was incredibly demanding and whiny: if someone else was getting attention, he had to be involved- if they were hurt then he was too, if they needed something then he did as well, etc. He refused to go swimming, leaving us with one less adult in the water because if he wasn't sat with on the shore he would pick fights with other kids who weren't even in the camp but had come on their own. He had to be first in line for everything. He was, in short, a monstrous pain in the ass.

This would all come to a head one Friday, which was when we did our weekly trip. This was one of the big trip weeks, as we were going to a very small theme park, which meant we had the maximum capacity of kids per adult for this trip. I was not assigned Anthony in my group (which I thanked every deity ever for), but I was the one he came to for sunscreen before we boarded the bus. This is when the trouble started.

"Mommy said I could go by myself, and that I don't need to be in a group," he told me in his baby voice, which meant he was lying, as I started putting sunscreen on his arms and shoulders.

"Well... Mommy might have meant when you were older, Anthony. For today you're going to be with Miss Diane." (Diane was the one he would usually behave for, hence why he was in her group.)

"Oh." He immediately gave me a sullen look as I "put his warpaint on" (the nickname we gave putting the sunscreen on their face so the kids would stay still for it). As soon as I stopped, he took his bottle of sunscreen from me- and then deliberately squirted himself in the eyes, screaming bloody murder. "MISS JENN SPRAYED ME IN THE FACE! MISS JENN HURT ME!"

The other counselors came running, and I didn't even have to say a word as the other kids started saying that he was lying and had done it to himself. Diane took him to rinse his eyes out while the other two counselors and I finished the rest of the kids and briefly talked about what had happened, and if Anthony should stay home for this trip. We concluded that it would cause more problems to try and send him home at that point, so no call was made.

We got the kids on the bus, and Anthony stayed as far from me as he could during the ride. We got to the theme park, and disembarked, and got all the kids through the front gate and put their bands on. This was accompanied with the warning that under no circumstances should they take the bands off or they would leave the park. So off we went, all staying together for the most part to go on the first few rides. That first hour, things were on an even keel. Then from Diane's group I heard the yell.

"I WANNA GO ON THAT RIDE AGAIN!"

"No, Anthony, not right now. Maybe later we can go on it again. But for now we're going to go see another part of the park." Diane was a supernaturally calm person, and yet I could already hear the first edge of irritation in her voice.

"NO! I'M NOT GOING UNLESS WE GO ON THAT RIDE AGAIN!"

"Anthony, we have to think of the whole group. Now please come with us."

And then, a little girl's voice: "Miss Diane, Anthony took his bracelet off!"

He not only yanked the bracelet off, he stuffed it into his mouth and _swallowed the damn thing_. And this isn't one of those cheapy paper bracelets at festivals, this was one of those plastic ones with the holes and the peg that you need to really MEAN IT to tug it off- so how he swallowed it without immediately gagging still astounds me to this day. Diane immediately sounded pissed as she paged the other two counselors back to the gates on our walkies and I followed her, watching the rest of her group as she dragged Anthony (who was screaming like a howler monkey at this point). When we all had met up, he started begging the other two counselors to "get a new bracelet". Instead he was told that he would be spending the rest of his day sitting with our bus driver just outside the park, while the head counselor called his mother about his behavior. We had lunch and left him, screaming away again, while the rest of the groups went back to traveling around the park. The end of the day came and we grouped back up: he was still screaming. Or at least he had immediately resumed it on seeing all of us coming back. He looked as though he was going to keep it up as we got on the bus until the head counselor made him sit in her seat right up front.

We got back to where camp was held and his mother was- for once- already there. She immediately grabbed him in a hug and made a big show of fawning all over him and loudly proclaiming that he was never participating in anything the rec department did again after how they traumatized her baby-!! We all ignored her as we unloaded all the other kids and their gear to their own parents. She kept it up even as there were only a few kids left and the four counselors were trying to pack up their own belongings and get ready to go home after a very long day. Finally the head counselor told her in no uncertain terms to take it up with the rec director as we had already made our decisions as to how to deal with Anthony that day.

We were told Monday morning that we had a meeting that evening. Turns out Mommy Dearest had tried to tell the rec director she was going to sue the city for her son's "mistreatment". I never heard anything more of it, so I'm assuming that someone told her that her son being disciplined for breaking the rules wasn't going to hold up in court as child abuse.



So there you have it friends.


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## Zeorus (Jun 2, 2014)

Lady Houligan said:


> In light of my reading the ForeverKailyn thread, I remembered a wee little lolcow from my summer as a day camp counselor. A lolcalf if you will.
> 
> 
> Spoiler: Summer days driftin' away to ah, to the lolcow nights
> ...



.......dafuq


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## Broseph Stalin (Jun 2, 2014)

Gather 'round children for the story of my personal lolcow, the one called Julio... *Strums acoustic guitar*

It was back in high school when I met this guy named Julio. I could have sworn he went to junior high with me, maybe that one kid that was always quiet, never talked, and when he did it was in quick, quiet bursts that would always amaze everyone. Ok, so maybe he didn't turn out to be that kid. In truth, this guy was like ADF, CWC, or even Anthos the Crimson Autofag, though maybe of a much lower caliber. So, I first met Julio in my Freshman biology class. This is where I first discovered him. I thought that he was just the average overweight, socially awkward anime geek at first. He would always draw manga from a How to Draw Manga book and eventually began to draw Pokemon and Ben 10 characters, muttering to himself and ignoring his classwork.

My second encounter with him was during the second semester of Sophomore year in English. This was when he went full blown tard and even became a lolcow of sorts to my classmates. Rather than drawing shit pictures, he would get on one of the computers in class and mix techno music. I won't lie, some of it was kind of good. Like biology though, he would ignore his classwork. Our English teacher was VERY lax on Julio. She'd let him do his thing because I guess she took pity on the poor guy. Whenever he did work in class though, he would always freak out on tests because he didn't know the answer and, get ready....FUCKING PUNISH HIMSELF. No, seriously. He would pinch his nipples and twist them, slap himself across the face, punch himself in the stomach, and all sorts of self harming shit. Then there were times in class when he would just rip ass. Funny thing is he would always look over his shoulder whenever he did it to make sure nobody was looking. And if he saw that you were looking at him when he did it, then God forbid. Some of my classmates tried to get him to do his work or even see what he was doing, but he would always throw a fit and tell the teacher that we were "harassing him". The teacher would berate us while he had this smug looking ratfaced grin.

For the entirety of Junior year I didn't see Julio. But when Senior year came, oh man, did he come back in full force. I had him in my Economics class where he would rarely take tests as usual, but then came the big whammy when my economics teacher asked Julio what he was drawing. Julio told him that it was a map of the nation that he was leading called Al-Jazeera. This, my friends, was his version of Cwcville or Australatina. Now he didn't just say something like "This is just something I came up with for a story". He said that the people of Al-Jazeera elected him as the emperor when he overthrew the dictator. Acted all serious about it and shit. My teacher dismissed it as the result of Julio's "mental disability" and thought of it as nothing. Then came the day when he got in trouble over a box of doughnuts. Some girls brought doughnuts to class for themselves and Julio waddled over with a big grin on his face. When the girls weren't looking he picked up one of the doughnuts and started eating it. Long story short, the girls were pissed and Julio punished himself.

The last outburst of lulz came the day they handed out progress reports. After he got his he got the most shocked look on his face. He tore it up and threw it in the trash as we were going to the computer lab and muttered to himself "I can't trust anybody!". We got to the computer lab and rather than trying to improve his grades, he starts looking up anime/manga pictures on the Internet and even reads a few illegally downloaded mangas. So I'm assuming that the teacher saw something inappropriate, and since he was a devout Catholic it could be anything from women showing their ankles to a sexy anime schoolgirl. I'm guessing it was the latter since he unplugged the computer almost immediately. Julio starts saying "I'm sorry!" over and over again while my teacher said that Julio was just trying to get off easy (No pun intended). So Julio gets this almost catatonic look on his face. He stands up as the teacher starts to call the front office and walks over to the door where he yelled "Why do you hate me?!" to the entire class. He shouted it again, much louder, and that's when almost the entire class fell silent. Still, they ignored him and he walked off into the hallways. At that moment I thought he was going to go Columbine on our asses, so I quickly changed seats so he wouldn't notice me if he came in with a gun or sharp pointy object.

The teacher left to go find him but came back after a few minutes of searching empty handed. Then we hear sobbing and high pitched crying from the next room. Julio barricaded himself in the adjacent room and was bitching and moaning that his parents were going to take his laptop away. I highly doubt they would have since he was one hulk ass motherfucker who would have probably killed them in their sleep because they wouldn't let him stay up till 2 a.m. to watch Inyuyasha. That was pretty much the last of the lulz Julio put out.

So where is Julio now? That's a good question. During my second semester at the local community college I saw him a few times. He kept to himself, acted very timid, and would always be in a hurry. Since this was a pretty small campus, you pretty much saw the same faces every day. But one day he stopped showing up. My guess is that he dropped out and is currently living with his parents with no direction in life. The only hope I can see for him is if he kept mixing techno music and became a DJ or sold a few of his tunes on a website like Bandcamp.


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## ChameleonBody (Jun 3, 2014)

On a cinema forum I posted on before it got deleted there were a lot of eccentric characters but the one that sticks out above all is Charles. (Some of this story might be funnier if you're a cinephile)

Charles was from Colombia and was probably in his early twenties but was a MISANTHROPIC, SICK, TWISTED, TORTURED SOUL straight out of high school combined with a bit of artificial fedora-level "eloquence".

On the forum one tradition was to post a list of your favorite films, length and presentation varying. Charles's had an "Orthodox" and "Heterodox" list, the first being full of choices that were pretty canonical (read: good films but altogether lacking personality) like *Citizen Kane*, *City Lights*, *Tokyo Story*, *The Seventh Seal*, *L'Atalante*, etc. The second list was for omg s00per evil shit, full of torture porn and grizzly exploitation full of gore (including some really good stuff but the presentation was try-hard). He was the dumbest kind of horror fan/metalhead who liked dark stuff because OMG HE WAS DISTURBED more than anything else. The response from someone was "That heterodoxy list… Are you, like, alright, dude?" His response was something like "Not according to most society, I'd be considered insane by most…" You can almost hear the Linkin Park.

His rants were incredible and I wish I had them saved, talking about how society was vapid and stupid or whatever. There was one hilarious story where he talked about hating society and trying to get away from it by taking a tour of the Amazon and instead being cramped with a bunch of fat, sweaty, ignorant tourists in a bunk fighting off insects. You could imagine him being on some straight *Aguirre: The Wrath of God* shit, just with more teenage posturing.

Charles's "by-the-book" canonical appreciation of "great cinema 101" and labeling of less orthodox filmmaking as "pretentious" was a big source of hilarity. He regularly talked about how he wished he could fly to the countries certain members of the site and kill them when they poked fun at him about it. One particularly embarrassing display resulted in him hijacking one member's account to post a poll asking "Am I a snob with delusions of grandeur? If you think so you only like Hollywood garbage!" Utterly pathetic.

After somewhat of an exile when he became too bitchy and overworked, he returned back with some of the most abrupt shifts in personality ever. He became a "Buddhist" all of a sudden and set his avatar as a Hindu deity and wrote about how much OMG THE DHAMMAPADA SPOKE TO ME on some really ADF levels of genuineness. After that he got a *Saint Seiya* avatar and became a self-proclaimed "otaku" and started reviewing animu like *Death Note* and *Monster* in his film log. Last I saw of him he was really into *Star Trek* and bitching about the new movies.

But the absolute funniest/grossest part of Charles was his sexuality. He was a big chubby chaser/feeder fetishit. I wish I saved this 20-page, 8-chapter fapfic he wrote about kidnapping a girl and force-feeding her cake until she ballooned into the size of a whale and fell in love with him, all written with this angsty I'M A DERANGED TORTURED PSYCHOPATH self-congratulatory tone. I think he also condemned homosexuality as unnatural (not sure why, he wasn't Christian) despite apparently being a necrophiliac (no joke). Here's one of his stream-of-consciousness angsty U GUYS R PRETENTIOUS screeds that blends in sickfuckery which I luckily saved:



Spoiler



Fuck everyone on this site. Fucking pathetic excuses for human beings. Oh, how I want to rape a recently deceased beautiful girl... I imagine rigor mortis will make the anal sphincter rather tense, but nothing is tense enough for the good old fashioned hunting knife. It tears vaginas to threads.  Yeah, fuck you mainstream, conformist bundle of sexually boring material. All you people can ever think about is what's been practiced for hundreds of thousands of years. I think about a future where it's normal to fuck anything that moves, be it dead or alive. A future where no one judges you. Where no pseudo-intelectual affeminate skinny freak feels he has the truth because he listens to indie music. Fuck that shit. Snobs belong in the same shithole with paedophiles and coprophiliacs. Come to think of it, shit is more interesting that most of that mentally numbing material. I would prefer fucking a stool of rotting dung to watching that pretentious, insanely boring faux art. And I'm not even drunk.



When *Jennifer's Body* came out, he started being obsessed with Megan Fox (guess she turned him to the thin side). His review was something like "How do they breed girls like this? The despicable things I imagined doing to her while watching…" And then he ended it with this lovely poem which tries to be OMG HARDCORE BLACK METAL DEGRADATION but comes across more as a pasty suburban emo teen's poetry:



Spoiler



I dedicate this poem to Megan:



...and as semen dripped from my glans,

I knew you were the one,

the ideal goat to be sacrificed,

in the altar of lust...



...my tears echoed through the night,

because you were the one,

your blood so pristine,

I cannot help myself but cum...



...as my hands embrace your neck,

you faint and choke to death,

your insides so warm and fresh,

I cannot help myself but eviscerate...



...your beautiful body begins to rot,

lice and maggots use the carcass as a hut,

but I still cherish your decaying corpse,

as if it were my very own.



THE END




I miss Charles.


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## Zeorus (Jun 3, 2014)

ChameleonBody said:


> *snip*
> After somewhat of an exile when he became too bitchy and overworked, he returned back with some of the most abrupt shifts in personality ever. *He became a "Buddhist" all of a sudden* and set his avatar as a Hindu deity and wrote about how much OMG THE DHAMMAPADA SPOKE TO ME on some really ADF levels of genuineness. After that he got a Saint Seiya avatar and became a self-proclaimed "otaku" and started reviewing animu like Death Note and Monster in his film log. Last I saw of him he was really into Star Trek and bitching about the new movies.
> *snip*
> I think he also *condemned homosexuality as unnatural (not sure why, he wasn't Christian)* despite apparently being a necrophiliac (no joke).



Christianity's not alone in condemning homosexuality, most forms of Buddhism condemn it as well.


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## Dilbertmann (Jun 3, 2014)

Oy. Normally I don't run into lolcows that much on a personal basis; but I knew a couple that kinda stuck with me - mainly from middle school, which was in a area where finances were a little low and some kids succumbed to abusing marijuana and alcohol, committed petty crimes, etc. 

There was this kid I attended middle school with that had some well-hidden social and personal issues. He had a large ego to the point that some teachers actually disliked him, was incredibly paranoid over things that weren't targeted towards him; made rampant feuds with various students, made gross noises, was loud, annoying and selfish - you name it. Around 2011 I pitied him and tried to make friends with him because I felt so darn bad for the kid being a social outcast; but later on he started stalking me and his "conversations" were him rambling about stuff. At this time; I nearly became involved with a slowly violent feud he had with another kid that had other lolcow tendencies in a English class; but that's a story for another day. They would never get along together; yelling insults and profanities at one another to the point where I just blew up at them. This would happen again and again when he did things that really pissed me off; such as picking fights with my friends; andeventually around the end of 8th grade I flat out called the guy an asshole. It was childish, yes, but I was tired of this prick going around and picking fights with random teachers or students. The best moment was when he told someone to "shut the fuck up or else I'll twist your head over", all the students in unity told him to "shut up". 

Not sure where he is now; but I'm pretty sure he arbors a deep grudge over me because of that, lol. 

Next, there was this other kid that was fat, had violent tendencies, was obnoxious, lacked manners and was a general bitch. Heck, she got suspended multiple times, had a probation and even called the special ed kids "retards" at first. She even nearly got into a brutal fight with another student over a necklace before teachers broke it up. Her home life wasn't as good as her school life; and was known to be a pothead. 

Either way; middle school stank and I'm thankful I got out alive - this shit was awful, and there were only few redeeming things in it.


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## ChameleonBody (Jun 3, 2014)

Zeorus said:


> Christianity's not alone in condemning homosexuality, most forms of Buddhism condemn it as well.



Yeah, I'm aware.  Forgive me, I worded that poorly so I came across as a bit of a  .


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## Zeorus (Jun 3, 2014)

ChameleonBody said:


> Yeah, I'm aware.  Forgive me, I worded that poorly so I came across as a bit of a  .


 Not at all.  You're fine.


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## Mauvman Shuffleboard (Jun 4, 2014)

I'm running out of dudes to make fun of at this point, I have to keep checking back to see if I already wrote about everyone I want to talk about.

The Soptibuptis and Other Retarded Things


Spoiler



Greggor is a weird name so I'll use it for this weird kid (before you ask, he is not squirrel handed). He was always a bit weird and probably the biggest wuss I've ever known. He sold carrot sticks from his lunchbox for a nickel every day at recess, loudly like some sort of street orphan selling newspapers. Nobody ever bought his nickel carrot sticks but he tried damnit, even if he should have given up.

This of course isn't the interesting part, he was a weird kid and all but it was in high school when I experienced his wondrous wonders and all that. He was in a technology education class with one of my pals (I think it was about woodworking/computer class), and they ended up being partners on a project. By which I mean Greggor played shitty Mario related flash games and actually cried so much he had to leave class when my buddy said "Greggor you're going to have to stop playing Mario and do your part of this [powerpoint/woodthin?/whatever the fuck they were doing]."

The playing Mario flash games extended to the majority of his activity at school, which he probably why he didn't do very well in any of his classes. Except art class, which he sucked at for an entirely different reason. Not only could he not draw or anything like that (much like half the class, in my school you had to take either art or drama to fill your artsy quota), but every fucking day he'd go to the back of the room to play with the sink. The sink was a gross piece of shit coated with dried paint splotches and it had wicked high pressure if I remember correctly, he'd just go over and crank it full blast. When the teacher told him to cut the shit he'd still go back there and make the sink noises himself. Another time he spent a whole class casting a shoelace like a fishing line across a desk and reeling it back in, but that has nothing to do with anything.

Now, you're probably wondering what the hell a Soptibuptis is. The story behind this is long and complex and I'm glad I've already written about it like 4 years ago because there's no way I'd remember the details otherwise. Greggor was in math class fucking around with a paperclip, part of a pen, a zipper and some other little janky pieces of metal and we asked what the fuck he was doing. When he didn't give a satisfactory answer we did what we always did in such a circumstance, fuck with him.

We called it a Soptibuptis, a gypsy charm similar to one owned by Cripple Jim the One Armed Wonder (he had bought his at a carnival for protection against bandits, something about ballet and his pinky toe, it was a terrible story), and if it was ever dropped on the floor for longer than three seconds it would bring a terrible curse upon them both. Naturally he dropped it on the floor to see what would happen. Buddy pulled the chair out from under him and everyone else threw paper at him (like usual). He cried and profusely apologized to Cripple Jim for cursing them both, Cripple Jim had no idea what the hell he was talking about. It was great.



Mack Attack


Spoiler



Imagine the most generic looking nerd in the universe, something like this asshole.





That's pretty much exactly what Mack looked like. He spoke like his native language was asthma and he was raised by a sinus infection. He played Magic the Gathering, D&D and watched copious amounts of questionable anime. He was the biggest stereotype I've ever met, and he was weird.

The first thing I learned about him was that he and his PSP were inseparable, I've never once seen him without it, and I've never once seen what was on it. You see, he wouldn't let anyone look at it for various reasons including but not limited to: 1) You're too young 2) I don't want to ruin your innocence 3) This is clearly anime porn and 4) [nasally grunting intensifies].

He treated being a pervert as a lifestyle for some reason, it was part of his identity in the same weird way bronies take their girly horse show too far. Though as much as he liked to say he was a pervert, he was clearly uncomfortable talking about things of a sexual nature and he was a super shy dude. He wasn't a wizard though, he played our sorcerer.

Mack got pretty into the D&D and it was our fault for inviting him to play. He actually used "I was playing D&D all weekend so I couldn't write my essay" as an excuse in three separate classes. What a pinhead.

On an unrelated but similarly silly note, remember what I said about you had to take either art or drama in Greggor's thing? Mack took drama but sucked dicks at the acting. Every year the class puts on a shitty play, but he was so bad they couldn't find a role for him. Instead they made him a dog, he put on like a fursuit head and said "Bow-Wow, Bow Wow" as his only line. His pants also fell down which he reminded us of constantly, because it was _so embarrassing_ (but everyone forgot about it immediately after). His pants continued to "accidentally" fall down for years and no one ever did laugh.



Mauvman Dufflebag: The Greatest Actor


Spoiler



Sometimes pinheads share my first name, like the guy that shoved 9-volt batteries up his ass, the guy that got every black woman in school pregnant, and the guy that shit his pants and threw his back out while getting a blowjob. This is about the guy that thought he could play guitar and always had Duane/Dwayne backwashing in his water.

First the backwash thing, because I could never get over this. In like Grade 9 or something Duane bet Dwayne a toonie that he couldn't go across the room and backwash in Dufflebag's water without him noticing. Dwayne accepted the bet and parkoured across the room and backwashed into the water under Dufflebag's desk not once but twice, while Duane shouted across the room "Dufflebag! Dufflebag! Dwayne's about to backwash into your water." Dufflebag dismissed the warning as Duane being an asshole and drank his water conspicuously saying things such as "Mmm this water Dwayne didn't backwash in sure tastes good. I'm so glad nobody backwashed in my water." Dwayne got the two dollars and both of them couldn't keep a straight face. This event repeated itself 7 more times over the next three years, including one time where the water was not only directly adjacent to Dufflebag on the table, but was completely unopened. Duane broke the seal, spat out some of the excess water so he could get a good backwash going, dribbled over the sides and put the cap back on. Dufflebag still dismissed the warnings and drank it anyway.

Much like that guy that burned his eyebrows off with a can of axe, Dufflebag thought he could play guitar. In his case it meant slowly fumbling through the openings to songs and then giving up about 30 seconds in, but he wasn't just some guy learning to play guitar, he was a true guitarist expert musician.

Returning to the obligatory art/drama thing once again, Dufflebag was in the drama class and had to do a monologue. Since he didn't want to monologue about all the time he spends talking to the janitor about World of Warcraft he spent 5 minutes talking about how he misplaced his guitar. He put his guitar under a nearby desk and began to Shatner his way through five minutes of guitar misplacing improv. "My, guitar, where did I put, my guitar? It must be somewhere, my guitar. Oh, there it, is, my, guitar." - Actual quote.

He also ruined the fucking school play by walking through the curtain on stage instead of the door like everyone fucking else. MY IMMERSION WAS SHATTERED.



Getting Hard or Hardly Working?


Spoiler



This dude here always wore the same damn clothes, a red wifebeater and electric blue spandex shorts. He thought he was in some sort of gang but he was legitimately retarded I think. 

Anyways, one time at the heritage fair (it's like a science fair except about family history, it's exactly as interesting as you'd expect) my pals and I were playing 20 questions (the answer was always Spock or short emo girls, what the fuck was I even doing playing with those guys) and this dude walks by. Duane notices that he was sporting a massive hard on for no reason and making no effort to hide it. We tried to subtly convey the fact that his penis was quite obvious erect but he just wouldn't take the hint. It was pretty gross.


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## The_Iconoclast (Jun 7, 2014)

This guy from the local tax prep commercials they used to run around November each year.









Actually, pretty much any TV spot from the Memphis area.

Actually, Memphis. It's cartoonishly filthy, overcrowded, mismanaged, and crime-ridden. Can a whole city be an LOLCow?


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## CatParty (Jun 7, 2014)

The_Iconoclast said:


> This guy from the local tax prep commercials they used to run around November each year.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You are a lolcow


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## I Will Consider That (Jun 7, 2014)

The_Iconoclast said:


> This guy from the local tax prep commercials they used to run around November each year.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


this makes me uncomfortable.  and not in a good way.


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## Axiom (Jun 7, 2014)

butt in trouble said:


> Branson. Legendary traveler, Master Jouster, Ultimate Ladies man and a good copyright infringer too.
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...



Okay, if it weren't for the fact that you mentioned San Francisco, I could swear you were talking bout my worthless shitstain brother...


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## The_Iconoclast (Jun 8, 2014)

Maybe not v.a. work, but didn't a writer for _Family Guy_ get his start because some actress liked his Twitter posts? I think he was selling beans out of the trunk of his car or something. So, yeah, success can be had with little effort, but it's more an exception that the rule.


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## CatParty (Jun 8, 2014)

The_Iconoclast said:


> Maybe not v.a. work, but didn't a writer for _Family Guy_ get his start because some actress liked his Twitter posts? I think he was selling beans out of the trunk of his car or something. So, yeah, success can be had with little effort, but it's more an exception that the rule.




You are a lolcow


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## José Mourinho (Jun 8, 2014)

Good ol' 03bgood is back even though he made an apology before that. In this video, we can see how IGN is being so mean to our favourite manchild. Grab some popcorn.


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## Picklechu (Jun 8, 2014)

I may have found a new personal lolcow. She's been posting on Whisper (a phone/tablet app) for two or three weeks about how she feels like a wolf, crawls around on all fours sometimes, and is a "wolf therian". She's also been posting abot how she's looking for other wolf therians and emos to hang out with, and how muc she hates her grandmother because she won't let her dye her hair blue. A few days ago, she made a YouTube and mentioned it on Whisper (which kind of defeats the purpose of an anonymous confessions app...). She had one video in which she talked about how she was TOTES awkward and random, but she's since taken it down. I'm going to be keeping an eye out, though.


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## bunnyfood (Jun 9, 2014)

I don't know what it is about the art department that attracted the worst kinds of people. Anyhow, I have a few lolcows from art classes....

1. This girl who was absolutely obsessed with iron man. It was a 2D design class, so we were allowed a certain amount of creative freedom. Every single one of her pictures was iron man. Anyhow, the teacher told the class (probably directing it at her) not to submit any more art that contained "trademarked characters. No cartoons, comics, or anime". We did this thing in the class where we pin our pictures to the board, then she goes around the class and asked us the explain/talk about our drawings. When it came the crazy girls turn, she hadn't done an iron man drawing for once. I was relieved, until she explained that the inspiration/meaning of her drawing was some iron man shit. Why can't people calm down with their fandoms? Why obsess so badly over something that's not real?

2. In my high school drawing class, we all sat around round tables. The people at my table had gotten to know each other and the conversations would usually include everyone at the table. Anyhow, there was this really awkward kid who would always draw Kirby with really muscular arms and a Cloud sword. He would try to include himself in the conversations, even though it was obvious that no one liked him. He would fart a lot, on purpose, and think it was funny. People at the table were rude to him about it, but he didn't seem to understand that he wasn't gaining any friends by farting. Once, during a conversation, someone brought up something about how girls pee, and the autist was like "GIRLS HAVE THREE HOLES, AND BOYS HAVE TWO. ONE IS FOR PEE, ONE IS FOR PERIODS, AND ONE IS FOR POOP. THE ONE FOR PEEING IS IN THE FRONT."


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## Kitty Chandler (Jun 9, 2014)

bunnyfood said:


> I don't know what it is about the art department that attracted the worst kinds of people. Anyhow, I have a few lolcows from art classes....
> 
> 1. This girl who was absolutely obsessed with iron man. It was a 2D design class, so we were allowed a certain amount of creative freedom. Every single one of her pictures was iron man. Anyhow, the teacher told the class (probably directing it at her) not to submit any more art that contained "trademarked characters. No cartoons, comics, or anime". We did this thing in the class where we pin our pictures to the board, then she goes around the class and asked us the explain/talk about our drawings. When it came the crazy girls turn, she hadn't done an iron man drawing for once. I was relieved, until she explained that the inspiration/meaning of her drawing was some iron man shit. Why can't people calm down with their fandoms? Why obsess so badly over something that's not real?
> 
> 2. In my high school drawing class, we all sat around round tables. The people at my table had gotten to know each other and the conversations would usually include everyone at the table. Anyhow, there was this really awkward kid who would always draw Kirby with really muscular arms and a Cloud sword. He would try to include himself in the conversations, even though it was obvious that no one liked him. He would fart a lot, on purpose, and think it was funny. People at the table were rude to him about it, but he didn't seem to understand that he wasn't gaining any friends by farting. Once, during a conversation, someone brought up something about how girls pee, and the autist was like "GIRLS HAVE THREE HOLES, AND BOYS HAVE TWO. ONE IS FOR PEE, ONE IS FOR PERIODS, AND ONE IS FOR POOP. THE ONE FOR PEEING IS IN THE FRONT."


And this was in high school?


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## bunnyfood (Jun 9, 2014)

Kitty Chandler said:


> And this was in high school?



The first one was in college, the second in high school.


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## Kitty Chandler (Jun 9, 2014)

bunnyfood said:


> The first one was in college, the second in high school.


  and I thought I knew some weird ones from high school


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## MysticMisty (Jun 9, 2014)

Kitty Chandler said:


> and I thought I knew some weird ones from high school


At my high school this guy, who thought he was extremely knowledgeable about anatomy, declared that women have three holes: "A piss hole, a blood hole, and a baby hole." The really sad thing though is, several people believed him and refused to listen to me when I tried to explain proper anatomy.


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## I Will Consider That (Jun 9, 2014)

MysticMisty said:


> At my high school this guy, who thought he was extremely knowledgeable about anatomy, declared that women have three holes: "A piss hole, a blood hole, and a baby hole." The really sad thing though is, several people believed him and refused to listen to me when I tried to explain proper anatomy.


Wow, I wonder what he's doing now.  Sheesh.


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## Kitty Chandler (Jun 9, 2014)

I Will Consider That said:


> Wow, I wonder what he's doing now.  Sheesh.


Certainly not OB-GYN work. My guess is floor tech (as Billoon45 would call it).


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## SPARKLETWAT (Jun 9, 2014)

ChameleonBody said:


> Spoiler
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I tried to read this out loud to a coworker who has a sick sense of humor like mine, and I burst out laughing at the first line. That has to be some of the worst poetry in history. What a pathetic asshole.


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## Saney (Jun 9, 2014)

MysticMisty said:


> At my high school this guy, who thought he was extremely knowledgeable about anatomy, declared that women have three holes: "A piss hole, a blood hole, and a baby hole." The really sad thing though is, several people believed him and refused to listen to me when I tried to explain proper anatomy.


What.


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## Iä! Iä! (Jun 9, 2014)

bunnyfood said:


> he didn't seem to understand that he wasn't gaining any friends by farting.



This amuses me more than it should.


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## guau (Jun 9, 2014)

in a gurren lagann comm on lj a very long time ago some girl posted that she didnt know there were three holes. im cba to find the thread now but back in the day she provided some laughs


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## Tragi-Chan (Jun 9, 2014)

I have a few IRL ones, but online I rather enjoy messing with the people the Church of Scientology assigns to deal with negative publicity. One of their beliefs is that they have this super-powerful technology for dealing with "Suppressives" (i.e. anyone who criticises the Church).In practice, this "tech" mostly consists of trying to make you lose your temper so they can report you. Unfortunately, when the tech doesn't work, they themselves tend to get rather worked up, and will become more and more aggressive. When they reach the peak of their rage, I like to say, "Whatever, man, you obviously care a lot about this, but it's not really that important to me. I'll let you get on with it."


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## libertyoftheaether (Jun 9, 2014)

There's this guy at my university which we've lovingly dubbed "Dunka Dunka." He's this gigantic guy (and I mean he towers over nearly everyone he speaks with) who always wears the same grease stained shirts and pants and just wanders around bothering random people. He's in that awkward area where it's extremely uncomfortable to speak with him, but he's not really offensive enough to warrant a complaint or anything. So, people just smile and nod, hoping he'll go away.

Some memorable moments with Dunka Dunka include where he walked up to a curry stand my brother was running which had a pikachu doll at the front. He said "Wow, pikachu is the most well known pokemon!" When the girls there tried to sell him curry, he just repeated what he said earlier and then walked off.

The second encounter was with my other brother. My brother was eating chips with gravy and only had a few soggy gravy slathered chips left. Dunka Dunka walked up to him and said "Are you going to finish that?" My brother gave him the disgusting soggy chips to which he responded with a really badly pronounced "Danke danke!"

The third encounter was when I was sitting in this private study room with my brother and his friend. Dunka Dunka enters the room and begins to essentially babble at us about his degree. He then asked for some spare change, which we gave him, then he left. We all asked each other if we knew him, and none of us really did. Later on, a girl my brother knows joined us and Dunka Dunka passed by again. He immediately homed in on her and began babbling about the stars at Pittsworth or something, then leaves the room. She immediately asked us if we knew him, to which we responded with a resounding no.

The four encounter happened, funnily enough, when we were talking about him. Dunka Dunka came up to us and made that weird hand gesture Spock does and begins talking about some Star Trek battle. He then goes on to mention there were 52 ships destroyed in that battle, names about seven of them and then walks off. He then walks back and names a few more before getting bored and leaving again.

While he's not a particularly offensive or intimidating sort of person, he's definitely unusual enough to make one uncomfortable.


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## MysticMisty (Jun 9, 2014)

Saney said:


> What.


It gets even more pathetic when you take into account that this guy's "expertise" came from having sex a handful of times, was bi or semi-closeted gay (either way he preferred dicks to vaginas), and known to kinda/pretty dumb (as this demonstrates). Versus me, who is a chick and was known for being smart (because I read books for fun and studied for class and no my classmates didn't think either one was a good thing).


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## TopperHay (Jun 15, 2014)

TopperHay said:


> This guy is somebody from DeviantArt that I've known for a while. He's not too bad but sometimes his attitude can be intolerable.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is the same guy I'm talking about so I thought I'd carry on from here...

This guy also has a pie-in-the-face fetish. Now that would be weird in itself but the thing is, he won't admit it's his fetish. Almost every single drawing he's ever done includes someone with a pie in their face and the way he describes these drawings is borderline sexual but he gets really angry if you even allude to the fact that some people consider it their fetish. He also tries to insert pies into every conversation he has and when you tell him to reel it in a bit, he gets all moody and defensive and complains about the fact he can't talk about his favourite subject anymore. I think if he just came out of his transparent closet, he'd be a lot happier.


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## RetardBus (Jun 15, 2014)

Oh boy, do I have a long, crazy story to tell. I knew a guy who was probably the closest I'll ever get to seeing someone like the interesting people we've discussed in the past in person. I'll call him Gilbert. Anyways, I met Gilbert when I was 11, and at that time, I was able to get along with him because I was an awkward kid with somewhat strange interests. Even back then, however, I could tell he was a little weird.

Gilbert was absolutely obsessed with cartoons and children's shows, talked about them all the time every single hour of the fucking day, and it was rare for him to start conversations that didn't have something to do with cartoons. He wrote crossover fanfics on fanfiction.net, and would sometimes ask me to help him out with them. It was usually stupid shit like the Rugrats becoming spies and meeting Disney characters and Bugs Bunny. I politely told him that I thought these were dumb and had no interest them, although did not intend to offend him. Surprisingly enough, he took this well, but still talked about his crossover fics from time to time, although slightly less.

Gilbert often obsessed over specific shows, characters, and movies for a certain amount of time as well. For awhile, he was completely obsessed with Rugrats, yet at the same time, had no idea what the fuck it was even about. He would make silly shit up off the top of his head and decide it was real. He would tell us that Rugrats was a show about Angelica, who he would always call "Angie" and insist people call her that. In his twisted version of the show, Angelica was a super smart girl with a Southern accent who knew karate and was a spy, who also sometimes babysat dimwitted children. He also inserted himself (The character was _even named after him_) in there as a toddler and said that his character was Angelica's boyfriend, and said his favorite characters had to be "Angelica, Gilbert" and some other stupid character I forgot the name of. Oh yeah and he also said that the show contained a lot of swearing.

Of course, I kindly told him I had no idea what the hell he was talking about and that the actual show was nothing like that. He still insisted it was exactly that, and was beginning to get extremely upset. He eventually told me that what I saw was probably a robot chicken skit, and at this point, he seemed like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. For a little bit he even tried to get me to "accept" that the show was like that, or to "give it a try", as if I somehow personally insulted him. It was the most autistic situation I've ever witnessed.

He also obsessed over Thomas The Tank Engine, and would get really defensive when I said that I thought he might be a little too old to be watching that show. I guess one time when I really offended him, he took some markers and poorly drew two pictures that made Sonichu look like the Mona Lisa. One was of me about to be run over by Thomas with an evil grin on his face, and the other of "Angie" in a generic white karate robe about to deliver a flying kick into my face. I thought it was retarded and extremely fucking childish, but he got over it rather quickly and apologized to me and I somehow accepted his apology.

Like many spergs before him, Gilbert told absolutely cringe worthy jokes. One I remember was about two babies/toddlers in a daycare who thought they were the opposite gender of what they actually were, and then when their diapers got changed, they looked down and discovered they wrong. It was the most retarded joke I have ever heard being told by someone who wasn't in Kindergarten.

Gilbert had really, really overprotective parents who would only let him indulge in kid's media, and would freak out if he ever heard swearing or anything "dirty". I think his dad might have even been weary of him saying "Crap" or "Sucks", and even the words "Butt" and "Fart", the latter of which his mom thought went too far. I think they enabled his bizarre behavior, but I didn't see them too much. Even at 11-12 I couldn't discuss a lot of what I was interested in at the time.

Gilbert sperged a lot over Robot Chicken, and would beg everyone around him to not tell his parents that he watched it. He probably didn't even understand half the jokes, and probably just watched it because it's a "mature" show and makes him feel less childish.

Gilbert was not allowed to watch The Fairly Odd Parents, because he would get extremely pissed off when ever Vicky was on screen and would begin yelling and swearing at the TV screen, or "at her" as he said in his own words. As you can probably already tell, Gilbert does not do a good job of separating reality from fantasy. He even mentioned that he wished all of the things Timmy wished for went completely as planned. When I said that lack of conflict makes a show boring, he said "not for him!", obviously referring to Timmy. To me that has to be on par with Chris thinking that Toontown from Roger Rabbit is actually a real place somewhere.

It's worth mentioning Gilbert hated romance in the same exact way a young child would, and would say "Ewww", "Yuck", or "Gross" when ever somebody talked about romance and women. Keep mind, this guy was 13 when I first met him, and he turned 17 this past January. Now here's where this story takes a turn for the weird, or the even weirder rather. I began to drift away from Gilbert around the time I was 13, having my interests change, maturing, and overall just having next to nothing in common with him.

It was around this time that Gilbert became obsessed with me, and I noticed it first hand. I'm pretty sure he's never had any friends, and when I made the mistake of being nice to him and being a bit of a friend to him, he latched onto me. I don't know for sure, but that reason sounds plausible. Anyways, he would always say that he was my "best friend", even though at that time I hung out with other kids much more and rarely hung out with him anymore.

One day, while I was relaxing on my computer, I got a phone call from Gilbert. I picked up the phone and said "Hi", and he asked me when I wanted to hang out. I didn't want to, so I just told him I was busy. This is where the conversation got a lot creepier. He mentioned that instead of getting married, he wants to live with me as a roommate.

This alone already creeped me out, but did not prepare me for what he was about to do next. Gilbert got really nervous and then told me through his frantic speech something along the lines of "I.. Gah! I don't think I actually feel this way, but let's just say I enjoy your presence more than any other girl."

I hung up, being both creeped the fuck out and confused. Gilbert is seemingly asexual and hates romance, and has a third grader's understanding of sex, yet he was hitting on me. To this day I'm not even sure what the fuck he was actually doing or what he felt like. Believe it or not, that is not when I made the decision to cut contact with Gilbert. Big mistake, I know. The last time I remember seeing him in person was when I was 14 and his dad took us to eat pizza, and then to get ice cream. I accepted this because I had nothing else to do that day Again, a mistake made out of kindness.

Not only could I not talk about most of what I was interested in around these two, but the atmosphere was awkward and uncomfortable as shit. I tried to not let his dad leave us alone, and also tried not to sit directly across from Gilbert, for reasons you can probably figure out yourself. After how uncomfortable that was, I decided that was when I was going to cut all ties with Gilbert.

To this day he still occasionally calls my mom's phone, but I have since gotten a new iPhone 4 with a different number, so when I stopped answering calls on my old phone, I guess he just stopped bothering. I don't think he's stalking me, as the calls are very infrequent and only happen months apart most of the time. I've tried to find his crossover fanfics and see if he has an internet presence, but so far have found nothing.

This concludes the tale of spergery, that is of Gilbert the almighty autist. Hope all of you enjoyed reading this crazy shit. 



Spoiler: Bonus notes



* Gilbert had an irrational hatred of the military for reasons that made absolutely no sense. I don't even recall him giving a reason, other than that they could use the police instead or something retarded like that.

* Because of Popeye The Sailor Man, he believed that if you ate spinach in real life you would suddenly become really strong. Not even making this one up or exaggerating it in the slightest.

* Gilbert thought that McDonalds was healthy. Believe it or not, he was tall and lanky rather than fat as fuck.

EDIT:
* One really weird thing he would do that I forgot to mention was that he would pace back and forth while rambling to himself about movies and TV shows, or his stupid fanfics.

EDIT again: Before he worked on his anger issues, when Gilbert would get really angry at something or someone, sometimes he would talk about how he was going to take over the world and would even chant "World domination!". 

He also would talk about how he was going to buy a tank online and be unstoppable. I am making none of this up, and the kid was completely serious.


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## Have a Pepsi (Jun 16, 2014)

Tragi-Chan said:


> I have a few IRL ones, but online I rather enjoy messing with the people the Church of Scientology assigns to deal with negative publicity. One of their beliefs is that they have this super-powerful technology for dealing with "Suppressives" (i.e. anyone who criticises the Church).In practice, this "tech" mostly consists of trying to make you lose your temper so they can report you. Unfortunately, when the tech doesn't work, they themselves tend to get rather worked up, and will become more and more aggressive. When they reach the peak of their rage, I like to say, "Whatever, man, you obviously care a lot about this, but it's not really that important to me. I'll let you get on with it."


Can I have a link to that "technology"?


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## granitoons (Jun 16, 2014)

TopperHay said:


> This is the same guy I'm talking about so I thought I'd carry on from here...
> 
> This guy also has a pie-in-the-face fetish. Now that would be weird in itself but the thing is, he won't admit it's his fetish. Almost every single drawing he's ever done includes someone with a pie in their face and the way he describes these drawings is borderline sexual but he gets really angry if you even allude to the fact that some people consider it their fetish. He also tries to insert pies into every conversation he has and when you tell him to reel it in a bit, he gets all moody and defensive and complains about the fact he can't talk about his favourite subject anymore. I think if he just came out of his transparent closet, he'd be a lot happier.




We also shared a tribute video of the late Rik Mayall and the only bit he talked about was a small clip where Rik gets covered in 'raw sewage'. Reducing poor Wik's career to his messy fetish. That made me a bit hot under the collar and I called him out on it by pointing out that there WERE other gags in the video. Naturally, he got all defensive and touchy.


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## Aiko Heiwa (Jun 17, 2014)

The tale of Laura


Spoiler



Laura was a girl I knew in high school. And she was _fat_. Now, I have no problems with fat people, but she was the type of fat person almost everyone hates. She was the type who insisted that she _wasn't_ fat and was constantly wearing tight clothes and miniskirts and other items of clothing that do not work on fat people.

But anyways, Laura had one of the worst personalities ever. She was the typical "I'm so DARK and COMPLICATED PAY ATTENTION TO ME OR ELSE YOU'LL BE SORRY" emo type. She also just had to butt into any conversation if it was even somewhat related to something she liked. For example, once I was hanging out at the library with a friend and we were just discussing random anime when Laura just butts in and starts talking to us about how she loves the really DARK AND EDGY anime and she also just LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES yaoi because it's so SEXY and takes out her notebook to show us her "art". And well, her "art" was crappy drawings of people with super sharp chins, big animu eyes, just horrible anatomy like no necks were drawn, bodies were lopsided, too many fingers, limbs being thin as a stick, and other things. And literally all of her drawings were of her noodle people "crying" with captions like "Why is my life so much pain!" and "I curse the God that made me this way!!"

Then she asked if my friend and I thought that her art was good. Naturally, we both said no and pointed out the bad anatomy and such, but of course, she was the type who couldn't take any criticism at all, so she started to threaten to report us for "bullying" her unless we stopped "insulting her art". Neither my friend nor I wanted to keep this up, so he just started ignoring her and I just said "Whatever." Then she, well, she didn't flip out, but started to get pissed and demanded that I take back what I said about her art or else she'd report my "tranny ass" and get me suspended. At that point, I simply got up, grabbed my backpack, told to her to piss off, and left the library.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) that little incident was the only direct interaction I had with Laura, but my friend who I was with in this incident had three of his classes with her, so he'd often tell me about how during things like English class or whatever, Laura would read her stories of the depressed and so edgy and dark girls who are TORMENTED by the GODS who hate them and would get pissed when anyone would do anything other than heap praise upon her and insist that her stories were like the next great novel and she didn't need to follow the assignment requirements for the stories. (I had the same teacher as my friend and Laura, but a different period, so I knew the teacher's requirements for student written stories, which I believe was a minimum of 2 pages in length but no longer than 5) She'd also draw her shitty emo animu "art" all over tests and whatever, even if it was one of those tests where you're not supposed to write on the test.

Laura stopped going to our school like halfway through 10th grade, apparently her mother took her out so she could be homeschooled because the school wasn't doing anything about the "bullies that mocked her child all the time".


----------



## Protoman (Jun 18, 2014)

MZD Mommy said:


> Spoiler
> 
> 
> 
> ...



how can a lolcow be one of the best people you know? from what you said he was just a guy with a weird fetish

if hes a good person who's not completely dysfunctional hes not a lolcow hes just a guy with a weird fetish


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## granitoons (Jun 18, 2014)

My routine computer scan kind of amused me this time.


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## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Jun 18, 2014)

I was poking through GameFaqs the other day for walkthroughs of some old 1990s RPGs I downloaded when I sparked a memory of a GameFaqs lolcow I used to follow back in the early 2000s: Stinger 3:16. He was an insanely religious Indonesian guy who wrote a bunch of really incoherent Engrish walkthroughs for survival horror games like Dino Crisis and Resident Evil. Each of his FAQs would have a section in the end called "List of Damned" where he ranted and threatened to kill anybody who criticized or stole his FAQs in a broken mixture of English, Malay, and Javanese. He seems to have gotten banned sometime since then, and most of his FAQs are lost.


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## bradsternum (Jun 19, 2014)

bradsternum said:


> I probably have brought this up before, but Eric Crooks also makes me chuckle/cringe with sympathy. He thinks his "subversive, satirical show" that was briefly on public access has legion of fans. He thinks he's the next Jim Henson. He is obsessed with Bob Procter, being an ENPF, and puts up attraction signs for a business partner/life partner (who must be a butch lesbian, because he identifies as a woman.)
> 
> I knew him in high school, and always thought he was a nice kid, if a little gawky and weird and obsessive. He disappeared for a while, and reappeared with an insane ego.
> 
> He sees himself as sharp and edgy, but his satire involves stating the obvious, ala A-Log.



A follow up. Looks like K.Engleheart has taken a shine to another fat gender-confused autistic person.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/officialericcrookscom/499755326791857


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## Connor Bible (Jun 19, 2014)

When I was in Kindergarten, whenever my hair was getting a little too long, my dad would take me across the bridge near Parris Island to see a barber named Al Marchant, a man who has haunted me ever since. I've never spoken to the guy since then, nor do I want to.

You are about to learn why.

You see, Al is a complete psychopath, and he's garnered a reputation in Beaufort County, SC as something of a local lowlife. The scumbag seemingly treats everyone in his vicinity like dog shit. The man also seems obsessed with Elvis Presley, and even pulls guns on people (see below), one of whom is a nice man I know who works at a Golden Corral. Oh, the guy happens to be black. Al's a huge racist. Aside from the military banning personnel from going to his barbershop due to his antisocial tendencies and discriminatory behavior (see below), nothing has really been done to put his antics to an end. He apparently has friends on the local police force who keep him out of trouble.

2004 forum post about Al:


> Moved to Beaufort and one of the first places I noticed was "Big Al's" barber shop. Right outside the Parris Island gate. First day off work, I went and got me a *HAIRCUT*. You know...the kind where they shave the back of your neck with a straight razor. OH YEAH! A HAIRCUT!!!
> 
> But one of the strange things that hit me right off was I was alone in the shop. No other customers. Didn't think a lot about it...just a quick mental flash.
> 
> ...


2008 article concerning the military ban on his business, which is now called the He & She Barbershop.


> A self-styled "military barber shop" in the Shell Point area was placed off-limits to area Marines and sailors in 2006 after its owner threatened a Marine Lieutenant Colonel with a handgun, according to documents released this week by the Staff Judge Advocate at Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island.
> The Gazette filed a Freedom of Information Act request last month with the depot, asking for details on how Al's Military Barber Shop came to be the only Beaufort-area business that Marines and sailors aren't allowed to patronize. The Gazette received 16 pages of documents related to Al's off-limits status on Thursday.
> A letter from the Carolina Lowcountry Armed Forces Disciplinary Control Board -- a body comprising representatives from Parris Island, Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort and Naval Hospital Beaufort --to the shop's owner, Al Marchant, said the panel decided to ban Beaufort-based Marines and sailors from the barbershop after Marchant "made a threatening gesture of brandishing a weapon in the presence of a military customer..." earlier that month.
> The incident in question occurred on Aug. 6, 2006 when a Marine Lieutenant Colonel took his son to the barbershop to get his hair trimmed, according to an incident report from the Beaufort County Sheriff's Office.
> ...


Local news article concerning the ban, dated 2008.


> Al's Military Barbershop is off limits to Marines and sailors in the Tri-Command. The Armed Forces Discriminatory Control Board, made up of representatives from Beaufort's Bases, put that ban in place after a complaint.
> The Marine Corps isn't commenting on the specific allegation, but says they've given the owner of the barbershop, Al Marchant, several opportunities to state his case and he's never responded.
> "Al's Military Barbershop is placed off-limits due to allegations of discriminatory practices against service members as well as in some of those instances as they unfolded, presented themselves to be an unsafe environment for service members to be at," said Parris Island public affairs officer, MSgt Mark Oliva.
> We contacted Marchant and he had no comment.
> ...


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## BT 075 (Jun 19, 2014)

Does he have a YouTube channel? Post some of his gaming videos.


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## Connor Bible (Jun 19, 2014)

Satan said:


> Does he have a YouTube channel? Post some of his gaming videos.


Al's OLD. He's got spots all over him, and he may have had a stroke.


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## Axiom (Jun 21, 2014)

This woman isn't so much a lolcow as just really crazy. I seem to have an above-average concentration of crazy and drama in my life, like I'm filling a quota for several other people. If you have a life without drama and crazy, you're welcome, because I'm pretty sure I'm getting your share.

Anyway.

This starts with one of my roommates. We'll call him Rob. Rob's been with his fiancee Tanya for ten years now. They're both in their early thirties, but don't live together for a number of reasons that aren't important here. What is important is that Tanya is really, REALLY insecure and jealous because she's has bad experiences in the past with guys who fool around. But Rob isn't one of those, he adores Tanya and is 100% faithful to her. But she doesn't believe him.

So she accuses him of cheating with any convenient woman that she thinks is hotter and skinnier than she is. I'm skinnier, but not by much, which is enough to garner hate.

The first time this happened was shortly after Rob moved into the house, six months ago. He and my boyfriend and I were wandering around the city for something to do but nothing was open because it was a holiday. Tanya called to ask what he was doing, and all he got out was, 'I'm out with Boy and Axiom--' before she hung up. He called back and I only heard half the conversation but basically she was accusing him of fucking around with me, even though my boyfriend was with us. And Rob couldn't be less interested in me if he TRIED. We're friends. That's it. He handled it really well, actually, and managed to talk her out of breaking up over this (yeah she wanted to break up because he happened to be hanging out with me), and her SISTER even called to ask what was going on and concluded Tanya was being crazy.

He apologized to me and Boything about it, saying it wasn't my fault, it was hers. He's gotten really good at handling her level of lunacy.

There were a few small incidents where she got upset because I wore something she thought she was 'too fat' to wear or I talked about sex and she got upset or jealous, but never to my face, and I've never been anything but polite and friendly to her. I even helped her put together a steampunk costume for a fancy dress party.

And then last week I needed a lift home from work. My car died so I've been getting rides, some of which come from Rob, which I give him gas money or make food for. He's a man, if he gets food he's happy.

Rob couldn't come get me though. I had to arrange a ride last minute, because Tanya declared that she didn't want him alone in a car with me. Because..... I don't know, she thinks we are fucking in a moving car or something. I don't know. Boything goes with him half the time and the other half there's someone around who can verify that only the minimum amount of time required to get me from work was taken.

I was mostly just shocked that she'd be THIS crazy, but eventually I got angry. So did Boything. Because not only is Tanya accusing Rob of cheating, she's accusing ME, and I would never ever do that. She's basically calling me a whore, and for no reason other than I happen to be a reasonably cute woman who shares a house with several people of whom her fiance is one. This triggered a fight between them but I have no idea how bad a fight it was. I do know they made up. Yeah.

I'm not so angry anymore, but am still shaking my head. I understand insecurity and jealousy. I'm a great big pathetic mass of insecurities. And I understand that some people really are permanently damaged by assholes who take advantage of them. I have a serious and irrational issue with men who have the same name as my brother because he was an abusive turd and got away with it.

But seriously, I'm not fucking your fiance in a moving car. I'm not a threat. And I'm also not a monster.

Fortunately this particular breed of crazy has a cat allergy so she can't hang out here often.


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## Totally Awesome (Jun 21, 2014)

Tragi-Chan said:


> I have a few IRL ones, but online I rather enjoy messing with the people the Church of Scientology assigns to deal with negative publicity. One of their beliefs is that they have this super-powerful technology for dealing with "Suppressives" (i.e. anyone who criticises the Church).In practice, this "tech" mostly consists of trying to make you lose your temper so they can report you. Unfortunately, when the tech doesn't work, they themselves tend to get rather worked up, and will become more and more aggressive. When they reach the peak of their rage, I like to say, "Whatever, man, you obviously care a lot about this, but it's not really that important to me. I'll let you get on with it."



What kind of technology do they have?


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## Scribbler (Jun 22, 2014)

TotallyAwesome said:


> What kind of technology do they have?



Unless I'm remembering this wrong, their "tech" is just a rebranding of "scripture". Or perhaps more appropriately an employee handbook. It's not technology as most people think (computers, etc).

Sorry if this isn't helpful. It's been a while...


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## FifthColumn (Jun 22, 2014)

I love how most everyones lolcows have at least a dash of autism to them!


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## Dollars2010 (Jun 22, 2014)

I just have to say otherkin that I've bumped into on that tumblr site.




This best sums them up.


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## ILoveMylarBalloons (Jun 22, 2014)

Old Greg said:


> CoolDudeClem on youtube is mine. He has so many parallels with Chris, around 30 and still living with his mum living the life of a child.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/user/CoolDudeClem


yes. CoolDudeClem, are my lolcow too.


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## Null (Jun 22, 2014)

Hunger Mythos said:


> I just have to say otherkin that I've bumped into on that tumblr site.This best sums them up.


This reminds me of something ...


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## Picklechu (Jun 22, 2014)

Hunger Mythos said:


> I just have to say otherkin that I've bumped into on that tumblr site.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There's one that's an otherkin with headmates. One of the headmates is a tortoise--a reincarnated tortoise from Japan, to be specific. I think she's a fat activist, too. I can't remember her name at the moment.


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## PsychicFish (Jun 23, 2014)

Picklechu said:


> There's one that's an otherkin with headmates. One of the headmates is a tortoise--a reincarnated tortoise from Japan, to be specific. I think she's a fat activist, too. I can't remember her name at the moment.



That sounds like Jenn you're describing

(She's also got a flying dog headmate, iirc)


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## c-no (Jun 23, 2014)

Null said:


> This reminds me of something ...


What would it remind you of?


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## Colress (Jun 23, 2014)

i happen to be otherkin but i have to say, otherkin are fucking RIDICULOUS normally. esp the asteroidal ones.


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## FifthColumn (Jun 23, 2014)

Back to the whole autism thing (I know CatParty knew about this earlier, so props to him for spotting it before I did.)
Seeing all these apparently autistic lolcows, I find it less and less likely that historical geniuses such as Einstein, Newton or Darwin were in anyway autistic.

These were people how while maybe a bit eccentric, but were well able to function in their societies.
No offense to any autistics on this board, Im sure you have great qualities.

But historically speaking while there may have been some who had good talents, a lot of historical autists, just died in poverty being shut ins, or just were town nuisances and that was it. Though in the middle ages I bet a number of them became jesters ( many court jesters of course came from the ranks of the mentally disabled)


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## Pickle Man (Jun 23, 2014)

The_Iconoclast said:


> Actually, pretty much any TV spot from the Memphis area.
> 
> Actually, Memphis. It's cartoonishly filthy, overcrowded, mismanaged, and crime-ridden. Can a whole city be an LOLCow?



Speaking of Memphis...ever seen Memphis Wrestling?






Enter Ta-Gar, Lord Of Volcano


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## MysticMisty (Jun 24, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> Back to the whole autism thing (I know CatParty knew about this earlier, so props to him for spotting it before I did.)
> Seeing all these apparently autistic lolcows, I find it less and less likely that historical geniuses such as Einstein, Newton or Darwin were in anyway autistic.
> 
> These were people how while maybe a bit eccentric, but were well able to function in their societies.
> ...


Aside from people wanting to find faults with great minds and/or "reasons" for being eccentric? I think it's to make the really autistic feel better about themselves. You know, the kind that are lucky if they manage to achieve semi-independence outside of a long-term facility.


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## ChameleonBody (Jun 24, 2014)

When I was starting to first post on message boards around the early 2000s I was really into animutation and I just remembered how truly hilarious this weeaboo fucktard was. She lived with hyper-conservative paranoid parents who kept trying to restrict her internet access (she was probably about 15), which was pretty funny but that was just the beginning. She was one of the worst weeaboos I've ever seen, totally obsessed with kawaii shoujo bullshit and obsessed with marrying an Asian man to take her to his homeland. She also had a crusade against 4Kids's dubs and censorship and was paranoid about the government poisoning her with vaccines.

The forum I posted on with her is gone now but I found her Newgrounds forum posts (yeah apparently that site still exists… lol) and screencapped a bunch of them.



Spoiler



Her OC, a winged cat who lives on a planet from some Sonic anime. Shoujo version of Sonichu, basically.






Impeccable taste in animu (and I love shit like *Cardcaptor Sakura* so don't think I'm just anti-shoujo):





Someone chooses her husbandos well.





YOU ALL RUINED SONIC!!!!!





YOU ALL RUINED YU-GI-OH!!!!!





YOU ALL RUINED NARUTO!!!!!





"Fauxnime" is racist:













Speaking of racist…













She didn't seem to be to sensitive the LGBT community either…





And don't get her started on yaoi.









More dub HAET from that thread:
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




One big ball of hormones, and she luvz dem AZNs.





It's not like those shirts are sold for a market of desperate, creepy weeaboos or anything, right?





It's not like she has high standards or anything though… Just a Japanese/Azn (interchangeable obvz) dude with a 10/10 face and bod who has a "good voice" ($10 she wants to marry a voice actor) and likes the same shoujo fluff as her. Oh and isn't abusive but that isn't as important as him being an otaku who looks like Gackt and has a massive cock.


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## ChameleonBody (Jun 24, 2014)

Pt. 2 (sorry for a double post, these are all too good and I couldn't narrow it down)



Spoiler



No one understands me and they treat me like a freak when I say I want to do another Columbine ;___;













Muh spergers:





I h8 America, Japan > everywhere 





It's not like she loves glorious Nippon enough not to throw the word "Jap" around at Japanese people she doesn't like though, oh no.





Someone discovers 4chan:





Funniest thread ever. Appeasing to a bunch of 14 year old misogynist boys on Newgrounds to fix her romantic problems (+tryin to score some J-cock):





Bonus! Another weirdo from the animutation forum I used to post on, this guy only had one truly lolworthy post but what a post it was:


----------



## Randall Fragg (Jun 24, 2014)

ChameleonBody said:


> Pt. 2 (sorry for a double post, these are all too good and I couldn't narrow it down)
> 
> 
> 
> ...


God, she sounds like a whiny, unpatriotic asshole. It'd be funny if she did go to Japan, only to find that anime is seen as kid stuff and otakus are just as stupid and looked down on as in America. And the whole "Japanese people are dicks and won't give her special treatment" thing.


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## MysticMisty (Jun 24, 2014)

Best part was how she was trying to get the soccer player's attentions. If I was in a foreign country, and some guy was obviously trying to get my attention by randomly singing in (mangled) English, and tried to talk to talk to his mom (let's say I'm high school age too) in (mangled) English, and then bumped up against me and apologized in (mangled) English, and was also obviously following me around and staring at me constantly, I'd laugh at them too. Probably just back at the hotel room and when I returned home.

Probably everyone at their high school back home had a good laugh at their side of the story. Especially their girlfriends. Downside: they possibly think all Americans are Japan-obsessed retards because of this experience.


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## ChameleonBody (Jun 24, 2014)

MysticMisty said:


> Best part was how she was trying to get the soccer player's attentions. If I was in a foreign country, and some guy was obviously trying to get my attention by randomly singing in (mangled) English, and tried to talk to talk to his mom (let's say I'm high school age too) in (mangled) English, and then bumped up against me and apologized in (mangled) English, and was also obviously following me around and staring at me constantly, I'd laugh at them too. Probably just back at the hotel room and when I returned home.
> 
> Probably everyone at their high school back home had a good laugh at their side of the story. Especially their girlfriends. Downside: they possibly think all Americans are Japan-obsessed retards because of this experience.



Haha yeah. I also love how "(with one of them scratched off)" is her response. Like just because one of them made fun of her, that doesn't mean that the others won't become so hot by her knowing how to say "sorry" that they pursue her as wife material and take her back to Nippon to live off of their money and consume anime.


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## Henry Bemis (Jun 25, 2014)

I've written before about my personal lolcow. Here's a little about my high school's lolcow.

His name was Joe. Taller than average, strong build, glasses, gigantic eyes, a light stench, and a total metalhead. His personal trademark was striding down the halls singing (more of a guttural mumble) and headbanging to the songs that he would've heard through his gigantic headphones if he bothered to plug them in. Nope, you could always see the end of the cord dangling somewhere behind him. Speaking of leaving stuff behind, he very clearly had something going on upstairs, but no one really knew what, because he was still allowed in mainstream classes, or at least my band and gym class. On top of all this, he was always self-consciously "edgy" and on-edge, trying (and failing) to pull off the "lone silent outsider" thing. He was a strange combination that made you both laugh at his lumbering poser behavior and memorize the emergency exits in preparation for that fateful day.

Two highlights: First, one day, during our wrestling unit in gym class, he challenged the assistant teacher - who was also one of the sped teachers - to a match. Joe might've had a little on us in height and musculature, but - surprise, surprise - he was a total pushover. Also, the aide, Mr. L, was a much bigger guy with an impressive beard. He accepted Joe's challenge and pinned him to the mat in about five seconds. Repeatedly. We all laughed at him. Hilarity ensued.

Second, me and two friends had to room with him on the marching band's trip to D.C. How or why that came to happen, we don't know, but the Nazis in the Music Parents group probably had something to do with it. Anyway,we did our best to avoid him, returning to the room only to pick stuff up and sleep. Then one night, there was a Music Parent outside the room and we were told we couldn't go in. It turned out later that his girlfriend was dumping him, and his other aide had to console him. Yes, he had a girlfriend - another poser like him - and yes, there was plenty of material to say she existed, but since no one ever saw her in person, people told him she didn't exist. Anyway, from what DID exist, the two of them were quite clearly That Couple, the slap-slap-kiss one that airs everything out in public. So my friends and I didn't take his inconsolable grief seriously.

Also, just looked him up on Facebook five minutes ago. As of 2013, he is a WWE nut.


----------



## José Mourinho (Jun 26, 2014)

I was about to make a new thread about this lolcow, but fuck it, I'm posting it here instead. What do you get when you cross mariotehplumber/SammyClassicSonicFan and a tryhard? Everyone, meet *Gligar13Vids.*








Most of his videos involve him embarassing himself trying to create attention, be it him having a love/hate boner for any games such as Zelda, Sonic, Mario, Pokemon etc. (in his series called *BAD GAMES)*, or car videos.

Notable events:

*1. BLACKBusterCritic VS Gligar13Vids*


Spoiler










Ah yes, most of which everyone know about. Basically, Gligar made a shitty commentary on BBC's video and then BBC made several videos debunking his arguments and more videos. And thus begin the downfall of the Commentary Community.

*2. LET'S TRASH THE EARTH! XD LULZ*


Spoiler










Video says it all. Him trying to be funny and edgy "trashing the earth" during Earth Day.

*3. Jace Streams*
No videos for this, but sometimes you can see him being a tryhard in the chats in the Jace Streams.

Notable videos:
1. Dora The Explorer Review


Spoiler










His review on a game for little kids.

2. Super Mario World Review


Spoiler










Him going DSP (?) on Super Mario World.

3. COD VS Pokemon


Spoiler










Him comparing COD to Pokemon.

Links:
1. http://www.youtube.com/user/Gligar13Vids/videos His YouTube Channel
2. http://steamcommunity.com/id/JacobGRocks Steam Account
3. https://twitter.com/Gligar13 Twitter


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## I AM THE CREASE DANGER (Jun 27, 2014)

There's this one who I went to high school with. Since then, he has taken become addicted to self help gurus like Deepak Chopra and Anthony Robbins, and every once in a while he offers his own advice about life. It's weird, because you know that deeply inside he is very, very sad and something is with him but he hides it with his enlightening words. He posts things like this 4 or 5 times a day, and only gathers 2 or 3 likes. Not outright retarded, just horribly naive and sucking Tony Robbin's dick.

Here's a little bit of my daily dose of Forrest from the last month:



Spoiler: Daily Dose of Forrest



I am so happy to be attending Tony Robbins' seminar tomorrow. I just wish that one or some of my friends or family members were coming along too. Next year!
--
I truly believe that reality reflects belief. How do we change beliefs? Just by deciding to believe a new belief! Choose beliefs that will produce the desires in your heart
--
What's your mental nutrition like? Is it filled with negativity or is it good? Do you consistently watch, read, or listen to things that are angry, violent, scary, or negative in any way? Watch out! We become like what we input. One way to become happier and healthier is to be "bliss-iplined" about what kind of material we allow into our mind and senses. It also creates a richer life, because by focusing on the good stuff, more good comes in! #successtip#iloveyou
--
My teacher wrote this for me! I am grateful for the innate gift life offers us to have the option of serving our fellow human beings in the world...I am grateful that I have that opportunity, and I am grateful that my intentions for doing that are being fulfilled now. Life is far more beautiful when we step up and do our best to be a giver to all those who come our way, to alleviate other people's pain and to do those small acts of kindness and courage that light up the Earth #bealightforothers #livewithintention#beaforceforgoodintheworld


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## Varis (Jun 27, 2014)

Axiom said:


> If you have a life without drama and crazy, you're welcome, because I'm pretty sure I'm getting your share.


Thank you. 

One of my partner's RPG buddies has a jealous girlfriend as well. At some point she thought that he was seeing other women, when he was actually rolling dice with a bunch of nerds.  Granted, two of them were female, but that's beside the point.


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## Axiom (Jun 27, 2014)

Varis said:


> Thank you.
> 
> One of my partner's RPG buddies has a jealous girlfriend as well. At some point she thought that he was seeing other women, when he was actually rolling dice with a bunch of nerds.  Granted, two of them were female, but that's beside the point.



There are some women who think that any association at all with a non-related woman means the guy wants to, plans to, or DID cheat with her. Tanya isn't quite to that point yet, because she has enough friends and family (including several who know me, as well) who point blank tell her she's being crazy and paranoid. Some people even flatly told her that her accusations were hurtful not just to her own relationship but to mine as well. A mutual friend told her, 'You're lucky Axiom and Boy have such an easygoing, trusting relationship. If you were accusing another chick of cheating with Rob, it would really damage or even destroy that relationship.' That still didn't stop the crazy, of course, but she's been polite for the past week or so. Just like a contrite child. I'm positive Rob gave her a lecture about it.

Granted, she's given him the ring back and wanted to break up several times in the last five years. Quietly, Boything and I think he would be way better without her, so do many other people. Part of why he's still with her, I think, is because he's really awkward and shy around new people, especially new women-people, and doesn't think he could find anyone else and that Tanya is the best he could do. It's sad.


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## Luna (Jun 27, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> These were people how while maybe a bit eccentric, but were well able to function in their societies.
> No offense to any autistics on this board, Im sure you have great qualities.


How successful an autist is depends on the individual, A good number of them _are_ "people how while maybe a bit eccentric, but were well able to function in their societies." Autism doesn't define intelligence or ability to succeed, and it's not just their autism that makes lolcows, it's their unwillingness to cope with it or work at actual self improvement that does. Don't fall into the trap of allowing autism to excuse these people's behaviours, when they're acting of their own free will.


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## FifthColumn (Jun 27, 2014)

I get the sense that some autistics ( at least those with aspergers) who lived in the 1950s or the middle ages or whatever, just adapted more, and made less selfish assholepies of themselves, than some spergs today, from fat manchildren on the net, to bratty kids on the playground/supermarket whose parents don't feel like doing their job. 
I have a younger cousin who has aspergers. He needed some help, but is a pretty chill kid( really smart!), and adds a lot to family gatherings, so I know not all are like Chris chan!


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## Thelostcup (Jun 28, 2014)

Autism is a spectrum disorder that affects each person differently.  I was diagnosed with the Ass Burger's in middle school and it was very obvious back then that I had it.  I've since been told by more than one psychologist that I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria (I'm 22 now).  It took a lot of effort and painful experiences to get to that point, but most of it was realizing that the world would not cater to me nor give me any special consideration or treatment other than government funded programs (which helped me immensely in not becoming a Chris clone).

The kids with classic autism (i.e. low IQ, weird sensory issues, complete inability to understand social situations) are more or less doomed.  Even if they hit the savant jackpot, their disabilities keep them from ever being able to accomplish anything with it.  They simply cannot adapt or even comprehend their situation. 

The low-mids are the kids who can function a bit better than the classics, in that they can communicate and understand what normal people are saying, but still cannot interact on the same level as NTs or people higher on the spectrum.  Most of them need assistance to get by and often end up as (actual and not figurative) adult children because they lack the developmental capacity to function independently.

The HFA's (IQ >70) aka Sonic fans are a crapshoot and at this point it depends on how effectively the disability is addressed.  These are people similar to Chris who have bizarre mental wiring (e.g. Chris seems to have an inability to recognize faces) that requires expert and tactful treatment to help the individual make the most out their position.  These people can often lead relatively normal lives with enough guidance and have enough agency to be held accountable for their actions.  At this point, they can apply their special interests more constructively.  Their obsessiveness can be directed into great things through enough encouragement and counseling.  However, these people often fall into manchild traps when they aren't taught specific life skills properly.  The extent of their social impairments varies, with some being able to get along with their NT peers and some not.

While some people argue that Asperger's is the same as HFA, Asperger's tends to manifest differently.  People with Asperger's tend to have much better language and verbal intelligence that those with HFA.   Conversely, HFAs perform better with spatial thinking and are known to have to have a much wider range of interests than Aspies.  Aspies are the ones who are often labeled as "eccentric" or exhibit stereotypical nerdy behavior.  Aspies are usually able to adapt to their situation much better than other people on the spectrum and can develop normal social skills if given enough time and guidance.  These are the folks who are most likely to end up being recognized for their accomplishments, even though people lower on the spectrum often have incredible talents (one kid I worked with could play literally any song on the piano after hearing it once and had no sort of formal musical training).  It's just that the Aspies are less marginalized for their awkwardness.

The unfortunate thing  is that autistic people get targeted on a level comparable with LGBT people.  In fact, where I grew up the kids with Asperger's were even lower in the pecking order.  People would try to _fucking murder_ folks with ASD (myself included) just because they acted differently.  One of my aspie friends once had two football players hold him down while a group of a few dozen people lined up and took turns kicking him and telling him how annoying he was.  In high school, a bunch of gang members attacked one of the lower functioning kids I would work with (who was especially sensitive to noise and would freak out in response to clanging).  They stuffed him into a metal trash can and started banging on it with lead pipes.  It's shit like this that fucks up people with ASD even further, and often leaves them scarred to the point where they have too much anxiety to work past whatever problems they were saddled with. 

ASD is a very broad spectrum, and a good number of people on it have indeed accomplished great things that are worthy of being recognized.  What people fail to understand is that it these people also worked very hard and dedicated themselves to pursuing lofty goals.  To say that X or Y wasn't on the spectrum because they were actually able to overcome their issues trivializes the struggles and frustrations many of them had to go through.  You also can't tell kids with ASD that success and admiration is going to come to them purely because of their disability because it diminishes the value of hard work and perseverance that are necessary to achieve those sorts of things.

TL;DR: Nobody with the autism is the same and their futures are heavily dependent on environment and treatment, so you can't make conjectures purely based on whether they do or do not have it.


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## GV 002 (Jun 28, 2014)

I have had requests for more Batty stories.  I will do this while I still have material to work with as me and the Mister are FINALLY moving out in a few days, and holy shit has she been difficult in the run up to this.

It's been like living with Carrie.

For those unfamiliar with Batty-Ding-Dongs, refer to posts hiar - http://cwckiforums.com/threads/personal-lolcows.463/page-23#post-37133 and hiar - http://cwckiforums.com/threads/personal-lolcows.463/page-42#post-208964.



Spoiler: 2 Stories, contains NASTIES



Recently, and not-so-lolcowy, I had a full blown mental breakdown.  Batty's crazy behaviour I feel had a big hand in that, so me and the Mister decided to take the plunge, finances be damned, and move the fuck out.  Eventually we found a new place about a month ago and went for it.  We move in three days now.

We managed to keep this from Batty for as long as possible as we knew that she'd go apeshit and make things harder for us.  We just about managed to keep things hushed until about two weeks ago when the agency put a massive 'for sale' sign outside the house while she was at work, and then went her a text that we had a house viewing for the next day (the house was fetid, I'll get to that).  When she came home all hellfire must have broken loose, but I will never know as I was at the pub getting shitfaced to celebrate the eventual overthrowing of the Batty empire.  Flirtinis all round!

Now, in the run up to this revelation the house had gone to hell, literally.  We had given up cleaning up any mess that was not our own due to Batty being a filthy drunken clusterfuck and generating a stupid amount of mess.  Seriously though, filthy.  The kitchen was full of pots and pans covered in burnt on muck, crying out to be soaked and cleaned.  The sink was full of dirt and gravel from where she'd drunkenly attempted to water her long-suffering pot plant collection.  The kitchen floor was covered in soil, rotting pancetta, wet tea towels and broken glass from where she constantly drops wine glasses.  An average venture into the lounge usually results in a delightful vision of either evidence of recent Batty activity (empty bottles everywhere, faint stink of farts and mixed booze, takeaway packets, sticky patches on the sofa, TV turned up to stupidly high volume for her deaf-granny Batty ears) or actual Batty activity (the same as the above, but along with full bottles, part finished bottles, JEIIIIIM, and the no longer faint stink of farts).

And oh, does Batty fart.  It's like living with an overweight alcoholic goat with a bad case of the guffs and a penchant for curry.  She lives in knitwear and the pongyness of her overactive bum has been absorbed into the wool, resulting in a boozy guff cloud that follows her around.  Best bit is that she's too deaf to notice the train-like blaring noise, and has no sense of smell.  Seriously, she can't smell anything bad.  Story time!

Batty broke the kitchen drain, horribly.  Seeing as she's as smart as a bump on a log, she stuffs all kinds of crap down the kitchen sink; food, dirt, oil, fat, food, puke, food, food.  Food.  The drain cover happens to be outside the kitchen window in a little alcove where we keep garden tools and push bikes, and by thunder did that thing start to hum.  At first it wasn't that noticeable, but soon enough, whenever I cam home from work the first thing that would hit me in the face was the absolutely rank stench of rotting food, coagulated fat, drain skank and Batty farts.  Everyone in the house despaired at this except Batty herself, who did not see a problem at all and couldn't smell a thing.  She refused to let us call the agency as it's HER HOUSE and SHE HAS TO DO ALL THE IMPORTANT FINGS.  She talks to us like we're both dumb little kids who don't know how to talk to adults, so most of the time we just let her get on with it for ease.  Eventually she decided to call in some help.

Now, gentle viewers, what would you do if you had a blocked drain?  Call a repair man, right?  Call the agency and ask for the maintenance man, yes?  Right.

Now what does Batty do?

She calls in her retard father.  Oh bollocks.

Batty-Bang-Bang's family are just as Batty as she is, to the letter.  They are all loud, stupid and smelly with the exception of her younger sister who actually seems like a normal human being.  We'll call her father Old Pa Batty.  Old Pa Batty thinks himself a handyman of sorts, although he's just a clump with a toolkit and no idea how to use it.  So Old Pa Batty drives an hour over to the house to save the day, in all the run-up Batty running around pretending to clean the house for HRH, bleating about how grateful we should be for her wonderful father to grace us with his amazing presence mwah mwah mwah.  We, unamused, go ahead and start making dinner.

Old Pa Battybums arrives early, which would have been fine if it wasn't for what happened next.  Remember we're cooking a meal.  Old Pa Battybollocks barges into the kitchen with her bumblefuck loinfruit, and proceeds to pull up all the crap in the drain, window open, muck and rotten food EVERYWHERE.  The smell was ungodly.  We just look at them and be all like,

"What the fuck, we're cooking here!  Could you now have waited ten minutes?!"

Only to be greeted with Tweedle Derp and Tweedle Durr looking blankly in our direction, having no clue what we're so upset about.  Batty clocks and spits at us venomously,

"My dad's reeeeeeeeeeeally busy and he has to do this right NOW so shut up meeeeeeeeuuuuuugh."

In the end I threw down my spatula, got the rage and had a fag.  If I hadn't removed myself I would have smacked the stupid cunt.  When we came back there was a new smell, like the blue liquid they pump into portaloos or the harsh cleaning chemicals they use in public toilets.  We see Old Pa Batty emptying a whole bottle of whatever-the-fuck down the drain (and all over the floor as the drain was definitely not unblocked).  Then this exchange followed,

"Batty, what the hell is that stuff?"

"It's envirnmintelly friendly."

"But what is it?"

"It's like fairy liquid, it's good for the envirmint."

"Yeah, ok, but what is it exactly?"

"It wun't set off your asmah!"

"But what is it?"

"It's ok to use, my dad's a prusfesnil!"

"But what IS it?"

"It's disinfectent like stuff."

"But what IS it?  Wait, what?"

Apparently when you get your idiot father to badly unblock a drain, not only are you not allowed to disclose what kind of crazy chemical you're using, but also using disinfectant is standard.  For UNBLOCKING a DRAIN.  Needless to say after this rather stinky incident, the drain was still blocked and smelled ten times worse.  We ended up putting our foot down and calling the agency to send a real repair man, which sent Batty through the roof.  She had a full blown tantrum, tried to blame us for the drain being blocked still, threw stuff around the kitchen, bitched to JEIIIIM about us, saying how horrible and mean and nasty we were for wanting a job done properly and calling a legit repairman.

The dude came, fixed the drain, and we've had nary an issue since.  No smell, no nothing.  Happy days.  Well, aside from the fact that Batty took a day off work so that she'd be home for the coming of the repairman, and spent all the time ranting to the poor guy about how her father did a stellar job, and that there was obviously not a problem apart from us EVIL housemates fucking everything up for her.  Right in front of the Mister, who was busy making the poor guy a cuppa to ease the pain.  The guy did his best to ignore Batty and got the job done, hoovering up the tea and getting the foxtrot oscar before she got her knickers out.

Kinda derailed there, sorry.  I haven't even gotten to the bathroom yet, oh hell the BATHROOM.  The horror.

I went into the bathroom after Batty had one of her famous daily sex baths, gagging for a piss.  Seconds later I was out again like a Batty out of helly, grabbed the Mister and showed him what was in there.  We stood there for a while, silently sharing in our sadface.

There was blood EVERYWHERE.  Big clots of it all over the bottom of the bath, splatters on the floor, up the walls (!!!!), all over the toilet seat, and the toilet water itself was bright red.  To add extra horror points, in our sad little bathroom bin (that little fucker has seen some shit) was a heavily used sanitary towel crudely stuffed into an empty bog roll tube.  The smell was unholy.  I have no shame admitting that that day I took a waz in a bucket.

The bathroom stayed that way for a few days as she never cleaned it and the hell was I going to.  Eventually Battyshitty-Insaney caved and cleaned up all the blood...but left the sanitary towels.  In fact, they multiplied.  They stank like hell.  Guess how long she left those little swiss-rolls-from-hell there for?

Two bastarding weeks.

She only cleaned up those when she got the news for the viewing.  I really wish I'd have been able to see her face when she got the message, but I was far too busy being off my tits on good cider and chain smoking my favourite fags with my favourite people, revelling in the fact that there is finally going to be an end to living with Batty.  Liberation.



I have more stories from the sticky archives of Batty the Bitchcunt, but I think that this is enough for one sitting.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to Leo swagger away and do some packing.  The next story I write will be the smuggest thing I have ever written, probably, as it will be in a different house, miles away from her, cider in hand, with the biggest fucking grin on my face since the Cheshire Cat took a hit of MDMA.


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## Colress (Jun 28, 2014)

i fucking love batty stories. i'm hyped for the next one already!


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## ASoulMan (Jun 28, 2014)

I remember going to a college basketball game earlier this year and seeing a "homeless" man with a sign when we were at a light. It became sketchy when he started texting in public. He sure wasn't out to scam anyone (insert sarcasm).


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## Hakurei (Jun 30, 2014)

I'll make this short.

There is a neighbor who lives less than a block away from my residence.
I am his 'friend', who assists him when he needs someone to pester, needs a reason to waste money on food, and cries for bullshit reasons.

He also twerks on doors. 'Nuff said.


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## Varis (Jun 30, 2014)

Hakurei said:


> He also twerks on doors.


wat.


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## TheRedRanger (Jun 30, 2014)

This guy.
He pops up on Gaia Online every now and again, posting the exct same thing, spamming the role playing forum with up to 12 identical threads at a time. Judging by his name changes, I'm guessing he's been banned, but keeps coming back.
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG0_zpsf968439f.png

On day, I decided to go deeper into the rabbit hole, and see exctly what I was dealing with. What follows is a tale of awkwardness, illiteracy, obvious autism and hints of loveshy-ness.
Screen caps following soon...


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## Surtur (Jun 30, 2014)

TheRedRanger said:


> This guy.
> He pops up on Gaia Online every now and again, posting the exct same thing, spamming the role playing forum with up to 12 identical threads at a time. Judging by his name changes, I'm guessing he's been banned, but keeps coming back.
> http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG0_zpsf968439f.png
> 
> ...



What is Lazy-Literate?


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## Lil (Jun 30, 2014)

Surtur said:


> What is Lazy-Literate?



Going out on a limb here but my guess is that your writing is comprehensible and perfectly able to stand on its own, but you're not going to bother putting any effort into it. So you can't criticize the little they do write because they didn't try in the first place so why're u compliaing bout quality control?


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## Hakurei (Jun 30, 2014)

Varis said:


> wat.


*I am 100% serious*.


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## A-Stump (Jun 30, 2014)

I have a bit of a lolcow story from my school days

His name was Michael, and he was the school's punching bag. For one reason or another, his entire existence seemed to be built upon things to be teased for. He was a scrawny kid with tan skin and huge glasses and would always wear Disney related sweaters, big dowdy ones you would expect out of like a poor spinster aunt. His favorite a Winnie the Pooh one, he wore this sweatshirt for years and probably still does.

Now, fact and fiction surrounded this kid like you wouldn't believe. Popular opinion was that he wore pull-ups (fact) because whenever you'd walk into the bathroom there'd be Michael with his pants and diaper at his ankles. This caused a veritable shitstorm in the school. 

Anyways, Michael seemed to be oblivious to any social repercussions that could come his way. He didn't care about being teased, no, he actually sort of loved it. Any attempts to make a crack at him, he'd usually do something so fucking bizarre as to render anything said moot. An example;

At lunch we all ate at these long family style plank tables. Not Michael. He had his own teacher approved corner where he could sit chewing on pencil erasers instead of actually eating lunch. This kid named Seymour goes up to him and starts riffing on the whole diaper thing. From across lunchroom was a yell, not stern but more matter of fact; 'IT FEELS GOOD ON MY PENIS!'. 

We all shat brix because we had just learned that he wasn't actually incontinent but it was a fetishism even though we didn't know the word for it. Michael gets thrown out for two weeks and for a few years after that, was under almost constant supervision. 

Michael came back with a vengeance in high school. Good behaviour found him newfound freedom, it had seemed, and he was once again the target of endless, pointless bullying. Now since it was high school, every insult had to be with him being gay. There was a guy very alike Tyce Andrews for anyone following the Jace events, he'd call everything gay and he himself was in fact pretty gay. Anywho, this guy who will be referred to as James, just fucked with Michael every day. Gay this, gay that, look at this fag's sweatshirt. Anyways James was sitting at his cliques table in lunch and Michael comes up slick as catshit and swipes this guy's CD player and hides it over the fold of his sweatshirt. Buried it deep. James, bereft of his Walkman and his precious Emimen jams, immediately corners Michael. He has him against the wall, is rooting through his sweatshirt, and then you hear him yell 'WHAT THE FUCK DUDE'. You see, as I hear it, Michael had actually been using his sweatshirts to hide the fact that he constantly went around with his penis tucked above his waistband of the sweatpants he always wore like a lucky charm. 

That was the day Michael the eraser munching weirdo pulled one over on someone.


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## Surtur (Jun 30, 2014)

A-Stump said:


> I have a bit of a lolcow story from my school days
> 
> His name was Michael, and he was the school's punching bag. For one reason or another, his entire existence seemed to be built upon things to be teased for. He was a scrawny kid with tan skin and huge glasses and would always wear Disney related sweaters, big dowdy ones you would expect out of like a poor spinster aunt. His favorite a Winnie the Pooh one, he wore this sweatshirt for years and probably still does.
> 
> ...



Honestly, James sounds like a real lolcow in his own right.


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## House Of Reeves (Jun 30, 2014)

A-Stump said:


> I have a bit of a lolcow story from my school days
> 
> His name was Michael, and he was the school's punching bag. For one reason or another, his entire existence seemed to be built upon things to be teased for. He was a scrawny kid with tan skin and huge glasses and would always wear Disney related sweaters, big dowdy ones you would expect out of like a poor spinster aunt. His favorite a Winnie the Pooh one, he wore this sweatshirt for years and probably still does.
> 
> ...



Ah, the classic "Stole-your-stuff-and-made-you-look-at-my-weiner" trick. Always works.


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## A-Stump (Jun 30, 2014)

Surtur said:


> Honestly, James sounds like a real lolcow in his own right.



Well, he was actually the norm in terms of the average male at my school. James is actually dead though, he was drunk and high and went out one day to commit suicide by a police officer. In terms for a guy who got stabbed at a funeral (along with his father) it was a fitting end to a shitty career of being a stupid asshole.

Sorry for the double post but here is an actual video of Ricky 'James' Diamond's last retarded moments on Earth. May he always be remembered for the time he touched a guy's wiener.


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## Surtur (Jun 30, 2014)

A-Stump said:


> Sorry for the double post but here is an actual video of Ricky 'James' Diamond's last retarded moments on Earth. May he always be remembered for the time he touched a guy's wiener.


Natural selection is a bitch.


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## IwegalBadnik (Jul 1, 2014)

I referenced three of my own lolcows in previous posts, so I'll elaborate on them out of boredom now:



> I had the displeasure living in the same neighborhood as some characters not horrifically dissimilar from the Chandlers.
> 
> They drove loud, old, ugly cars and were assholes to *everyone*. As with the Chandler family, the son was an autistic punk and his monthly tugboat was quite important to their finances. Despite the precariousness of their finances, these hoosiers spent hundreds on beer and cigarettes. After they lit up one of their plywood bonfires in their backyard, they'd howl on all night about how bad their finances are and how much they hate (insert non-White races here) over games of Yahtzee.



This group of white trash was comparable in many ways to the Chandler family. They were hateful, anti-social and just plain trashy. Every person in their household was fucked up pretty badly, enough to where I can say with full confidence that they can't be changed and won't change.


The man of the house (though he didn't wear the pants) was a drunkard loser who had been tossed out of the Marines and pretending to be a Vietnam veteran to elicit sympathy and pity from others. He would constantly talk about how he was dying, and the fun part was is he outlived his purported estimates by more than six years now (obviously just another sympathy ploy). When he wasn't driving his large POS truck to compensate for his size issues, he was riding around on his little scooter with Marines paraphernalia draped all over it. (It was found out later that he'd scammed this off of the VA, ostensibly because he could not walk far.) In all the time I was in that neighborhood while he lived there, he worked not one day at any job nor did he ever make any efforts to get one. Like Chris, however, that didn't stop this guy from whining about how little money he had and how unfair everything in life has been for him. He did have some rather funny little customs to him, such as putting cheap ass, horrific smelling Chinese cigarettes in a Marlboro box to look better than he was. White trash will be  I suppose...

The son (or foster child, it was unclear) of the house was a fat and lazy but violent 20 year old autistic manchild who did not go to high school (if he had had any education at all is unclear). There was a joke in the neighborhood that "Jesus will return before we see [this lolcow] again" because he was seen perhaps ten or fifteen minutes outside a week, at most. This kid was very analogous to Chris, as neither is very social, amicable, smart or right upstairs nor did either one seek a job. Well, actually, he _did_ try to join the USMC "to kill people," but they flatly rejected him (though some others helped the Marines make that decision ) and now he hates the Marine Corps. When the monthly tugboat for this guy was cut off, the whole family threw a conniption fit. They were not angry because they were heavily invested in autism treatments for the young man and the money they had relied on that for was disappearing; rather, they were mad because their budget for beer and cheap cigarettes was being reduced--you goddamned, greedy taxpayers! Unless it was that time of the week to deal with the trash cans or tard rage in public, he was never seen too much.

The woman of the house was a fugly, psychopathic bitch who I wouldn't tarnish my Aerostar's bumper for. On a daily basis, she would scream into her phone (no one was ever sure if there was actually a caller on the other end) about how much she hated her coworkers, non-Whites and her neighbors. On one occasion, she loudly and proudly admitted to being a "bigot." These rants would last for hours (the record was seventeen) and could usually be heard a block away. Her mental instability was such that the need for police was often a very real thought in the minds of the neighborhood.
Each of these three hoosiers was, like Chris, a danger when at the wheel of an automobile and each racked up no fewer than three hit-and-run incidents, as well as some DUIs. When they weren't plowing into fences or others' cars, they were in their backyard, burning plywood in a large bonfire they'd set up nightly. The smell was horrific and the smoke toxic, but they didn't care at all. They burned furniture they'd found while cruising around the neighborhood and *even their own closet doors.* (Of course they waited for the son to spray his wannabe, fake ass "gangsta" graffiti all over everything before chucking it into the pyre. The wood wasn't toxic enough before...)

When these people came to that neighborhood, nobody had done anything to them, yet they in turn did all of the above and more to the neighborhood in kind. There were young children in that neighborhood, and I weep for them. They did nothing to deserve these people, and neither did anyone else.


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## TopperHay (Jul 1, 2014)

TopperHay said:


> This is the same guy I'm talking about so I thought I'd carry on from here...
> 
> This guy also has a pie-in-the-face fetish. Now that would be weird in itself but the thing is, he won't admit it's his fetish. Almost every single drawing he's ever done includes someone with a pie in their face and the way he describes these drawings is borderline sexual but he gets really angry if you even allude to the fact that some people consider it their fetish. He also tries to insert pies into every conversation he has and when you tell him to reel it in a bit, he gets all moody and defensive and complains about the fact he can't talk about his favourite subject anymore. I think if he just came out of his transparent closet, he'd be a lot happier.


Another thing to add on to this guy is that he has this weird obsession with pizza and where it comes from. He goes on these weird rants that New York family-owned pizzerias are the ONLY places to get pizza from and all shop-bought pizzas are inferior and full of nasty chemicals and preservatives and how he'll never eat them, ever. Funnily enough, he buys store-bought pizza crusts and store-bought sauce because he's too lazy to make his own pizza from scratch, which isn't really that difficult. And the brand of pizza crust he buys is full of chemicals. The hypocrisy makes me laugh every time.


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## Anonimo (Jul 1, 2014)

A personal lolcow of mine would have to be this one teacher who I knew in high school. She was a bitter old bat who supervised a study hall period for students with IEPs known as "Tutorial". She ran the class like a Gestapo camp and wasn't afraid to remind everyone she was in charge. There was one time when she even say she'd crucify a student who was acting up in class in front of the school for everyone to see! So I was recommended for a college prep Algerbra for my freshman year by my eighth grade math teacher. So it's the third day of the school year and I'm working on an assignment for that class and she just walks up to me and tells me that I'm in over my head. So when my mom came to pick me up, she asked me why I got frustrated in class. I hadn't been frustrated that day, so I asked her what she was talking about and told her what the one teacher had said. That was when we both found out that the CP Algerbra teacher and this Tutorial teacher conspired behind my back to get me kicked out of the class and booted down to the basic classes...just because I had an IEP. Not because I was struggling, because I had an IEP. They got in some pretty big trouble, and the man in charge of special education in my school district told my mom that the tutorial teacher thought that she had more power than she actually did. Speaking of power...

So during my sophomore year, there was a big stink being raised because a levy for our district didn't get passed. My mom as well as some other parents were dissatisfied with the way the superintendent had been handling issues regarding the student body and wouldn't let him get more money for doing a shitty job. So then there were serious budget cuts, many bordering on ridiculous. Yet they pay this one teacher to act as an "Energy monitor" placing "energy star" or "energy hog" notes on classrooms...but she was the biggest energy hog of all. Oh and the headlines even called her a "Power Ranger". Yeah, because I'll feel real protected when an old bat steps up to defend our town from electricity hungry aliens that decide to pay a rural bumfuck town a visit for whatever reason. Unsurprisingly, other teachers from other school districts got wind of this and either laughed or talked about how ridiculous what our superintendent and this teacher were doing in our district! So after getting kicked down to basic classes, I gained a new ally in the form of a school psychologist who took over writing my IEPs and they stopped determining the course of my education and I worked my way back up to the regular classes.

The more I get down to it, high school was practically an open pasture for lolcows. Many of mine were teachers who said that I wouldn't go to college behind my back to my parents. Yet I've made the dean's list twice, graduated with high honors, made the honors society in high school...yeah look who's laughing now 

There are some anecdotes from high school that I feel are worthy of this thread, but others like the one Algerbra teacher didn't have enough contact with me to warrant an entry...


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## IwegalBadnik (Jul 2, 2014)

Anonimo said:


> A personal lolcow of mine would have to be this one teacher who I knew in high school. She was a bitter old bat who supervised a study hall period for students with IEPs known as "Tutorial". She ran the class like a Gestapo camp and wasn't afraid to remind everyone she was in charge. There was one time when she even say she'd crucify a student who was acting up in class! So I was recommended for a college prep Algerbra for my freshman year by my eighth grade math teacher. So it's the third day of the school year and I'm working on an assignment for that class and she just walks up to me and tells me that I'm in over my head. So when my mom came to pick me up, she asked me why I got frustrated in class. I hadn't been frustrated that day, so I asked her what she was talking about and told her what the one teacher had said. That was when we both found out that the CP Algerbra teacher and this Tutorial teacher conspired behind my back to get me kicked out of the class and booted down to the basic classes...just because I had an IEP. They got in some pretty big trouble, and the man in charge of special education in my school district told my mom that the tutorial teacher thought that she had more power than she actually did. Speaking of power...
> 
> So during my sophomore year, there was a big stink being raised because a levy for our district didn't get passed. My mom as well as some other parents were dissatisfied with the way the superintendent had been handling issues regarding the student body and wouldn't let him get more money for doing a shitty job. So then there were serious budget cuts, many bordering on ridiculous. Yet they pay this one teacher to act as an "Energy monitor" placing "energy star" or "energy hog" notes on classrooms...but she was the biggest energy hog of all. Oh and the headlines even called her a "Power Ranger. Yeah,  I'll feel real protected when an old bat steps up to defend our town from electricity hungry aliens that decide to pay a rural bumfuck town a visit for whatever reason. Unsurprisingly, other teachers from other school districts got wind of this and either laughed or talked about how ridiculous what our superintendent and this teacher were doing in our district! So after getting kicked down to basic classes, I gained a new ally in the form of a school psychologist who took over writing my IEPs and they stopped determining the course of my education and I worked my way back up to the regular classes.
> 
> ...



I had a similar experience in eighth grade myself. Because of my placement in an advanced program, only one math teacher was available for me. As a result, I was assigned to this teacher and given zero alternatives; the class I was taking was Algebra 1.

Unfortunately, it became immediately obvious to me within the first few weeks that the teacher was an utter failure. She was a snide, fat biddy who prided herself on directing students (who had never seen the content she was supposed to teach) to teach _one another_. Some students survived the class (with the help of older siblings, friends in the *lower *academic programs, etc.) but I was not so lucky. By the first report card, I was down to a C and constantly taking heavy losses on tests. I asked for help but was told that "didn't want to learn or succeed," and that for that reason, "[I was] not entitled to help."

After six weeks of bullshit, I tired of the charade and I flatly questioned her abilities and challenged her to demonstrate that she knew what she was taking about (she sat on her ass every day, for the entire period on her laptop while students' time passed and grades fell). Needless to say, that went well and I found myself failing the class before the tenth week. Shortly thereafter, I found I could have the same answer marked and procedure as others and still be given no credit. Throughout the year, the teacher was frequently absent (roughly a third or fourth of the year). I found out later she was actually traveling to accept awards for her _great_ teaching. (Her website also featured a statement that was particularly funny since it's bunk she just put up as a good cover story and not anything remotely similar to what she actually did).

The rest of the year passed with fairly open hostility since she refused to teach or be fair with grading, but there were some moments in the year that showed she wasn't in touch with reality. For any Three Stooges fans on the CWCki Forums, I hope you don't remember Moe Howard taking any abuse whatsoever, because he _totally_ never took a single hit. Not one, ever! She actually said that. 

By the time I left the eighth grade, I was no further along in math than I had been a year earlier, which led me to behind others--and remember, this was after I had been in an advanced program. Ultimately, this teacher cost me a fair amount of time and money since I had to eventually retake the same math class the next year and then later classes on my own dime since I had been delayed for a year.

A lolcow? I think so--she certainly helped prove teachers may not know anything...


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## Axiom (Jul 2, 2014)

I had a fifth grade teacher who...

...was obsessed with how we wrote, not penmanship but the position of the paper. We had to write with the paper completely sideways, and with huge letters (my writing has always been small, but American students are typically taught with huge block letters).

...demanded students ask for a bathroom pass in German, and wrote daily schedules in German, but the school was English language with no foreign language program. Also she kept repeating that bullshit 'fact' that the US official language was decided via a single vote.

...yelled at us when we were doing an art project about MLK, and we were colouring the clothes colours that she claimed 'never existed' in the 1960s.

...made fun of student's grades. When she was laughing at me, I asked, 'Why is that funny? I don't see how it is', and she gave me detention and called my mom.

...refused to believe that it was causing me pain to sit rigid upright at all times because I'd just fractured two vertebrae falling off a horse.

I've had some shitty teachers...


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## Simoniachu (Jul 2, 2014)

(condensed version) 
I have a "friend" who's got alot in common with Chris chan. He doesn't have a job (outside being payed to program a videogame), he doesn't take care of himself, expects other people to do shit for him but doesn't do shit for others, lives at home (then again he's 22 and that may be too young?), and he's a manipulative butthole. 
And recently he's been claiming that the reason why he can't do anything in real life and why everything is easier for him on the internet is because he thinks he is undiagnosed autistic. (it wouldn't surprise me) He's started playing the supposed autistic card even when I ask him to do simple things like play animal crossing with me or to do anything with me or his best friend. 

And I have a question. I know people with autism struggle, but when is it like...not cool to play the autism card..OH! What can autism excuse/ not excuse?


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## Anonimo (Jul 2, 2014)

Simoniachu said:


> (condensed version)
> And I have a question. I know people with autism struggle, but when is it like...not cool to play the autism card..OH! What can autism excuse/ not excuse?


 It's debatable, depending on the severity, I would imagine. Generally parents and therapists, such as mine tried to help me work around my disability, and I don't recall ever using it as a crutch because I had it drilled into my head at a young age that it doesn't define who I am. It may be a reason why someone with ASD acts the way he does, but that doesn't mean it's an excuse.

Not all people on the spectrum are rude, and who knows, some of the ones who use autism as an excuse to be an asshole are probably just assholes who don't even have any disorders on the spectrum.


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## Simoniachu (Jul 2, 2014)

Anonimo said:


> It's debatable, depending on the severity, I would imagine. Generally parents and therapists, such as mine tried to help me work around my disability, and I don't recall ever using it as a crutch because I had it drilled into my head at a young age that it doesn't define who I am. It may be a reason why someone with ASD acts the way he does, but that doesn't mean it's an excuse.
> 
> Not all people on the spectrum are rude, and who knows, some of the ones who use autism as an excuse to be an asshole are probably just assholes who don't even have any disorders on the spectrum.



I gotcha! I was sorta figuring it may be just people being assholes, because one of my closest friends has aspergers (or is it high functioning autism now..I dunno) and she never uses it as a crutch. She tries to be awesome and not let shit hold her back, and I admire her. 

As for my "friend". What if the dude wasn't diagnosed or taken to a doctor but has taken online tests and thinks he has it? (self diagnosed) He claims it is because his parents didnt want him to know or couldnt afford to go to doctor.


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## ASoulMan (Jul 2, 2014)

Sometimes I feel like people simply claim they are "autistic" or have a disability just so they can justify their stupidity and failures. Then again people are more cynical on the Internet.


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## FifthColumn (Jul 3, 2014)

It sounds like people here have had a lot ofc**nts for teachers. It is good you worked hard and triumphd even against them.
Ill bet many of them had persoality disorders tho. They remind me of Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter.

The best way to deal with authority figures who impose stupid, petty, arbitrary rules is just to "go with the flow." You have no power over them, none at all, and insultng them or antagozing them will make your life harder. Be quit, polite and courteous, and try  to get on their good sides.

If they are asking the truly unreaonble or impossbe, familiarize yoursef with scool rules. Even hire a lawyer perhaps.


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## darkhorse816 (Jul 3, 2014)

In fourth grade, I had a teacher who was a megabitch. Let's call her Mrs. Cumstain. 

The worst thing she did was when we had a vocabulary test. After studying hard, I took the test. I thought we were supposed to just write down the definitions of the word. Mrs. Cumstain read the instructions, but I was a little too eager to prove that I knew what I was doing, so I didn't listen. I was nine--give me a break. Not much stimulated me.

Apparently, we were supposed to use the word in a sentence instead of writing the definition. Now, a normal, nice teacher would pull the student aside and explain to them what they did wrong--but not Mrs Cumstain, oh no!

A week later, she hands back the tests. And she said, "Everyone did well on the exam, except darkhorse816 who GOT A ZERO BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS!" Yes, let's publicly shame our students in front of the whole fucking class. Everyone teased me because of that. And for a while, I felt like shit. Like for two weeks, I felt like shit.

I guess she might be a lolcow because she knew better, but decided that shaming a child would get the point across better. I tend to think people like that, bullies in a way, are lolcows, because they know better, and know they are supposed to be setting an example for children.


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## pickleniggo (Jul 3, 2014)

^ I had quite a few teachers like that and I agree. You know she probably had some shit going on in her life that she would have to be that way.


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## Surtur (Jul 3, 2014)

I kind of hope my kids don't have teachers like that, mostly because I have poor impulse control and a bitch will end up doing their best Clark Kent impression out a window.


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## House Of Reeves (Jul 3, 2014)

Since we're on the subject of bad teachers, I'll share one. 
Ms. Wolf, the worst teacher I've ever had. And it was only 4th grade.

Ms. Wolf was relatively new to teaching. Before my class, she had only taught kindergarten. First off, she was a horribly disorganized teacher. We would spend a lot of time on math, but hardly any on English. And then she would yell at our class when we got low test scores. She had very little patience with some of the trouble makers in our class, getting in their face and screaming at them. One time during our American History section, we spent the entire class time learning about racial slurs. And this wasn't on the lesson plan, it was all because some little redneck shit said "Towel heads" and lied saying that's the only way he knew how to identify Middle Eastern people. So she felt it was her duty to teach us all these racial slurs and then not to use them.


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## Axiom (Jul 3, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> It sounds like people here have had a lot ofc**nts for teachers. It is good you worked hard and triumphd even against them.
> Ill bet many of them had persoality disorders tho. They remind me of Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter.
> 
> The best way to deal with authority figures who impose stupid, petty, arbitrary rules is just to "go with the flow." You have no power over them, none at all, and insultng them or antagozing them will make your life harder. Be quit, polite and courteous, and try  to get on their good sides.
> ...



See, I can't do that. I'm sort of reflexively insubordinate. When I hear rules that have no immediately apparent reasons, I want to break them--not even overtly. Just to show myself I can. I've done so much shit (some of which was actually a federal crime) that I got away with but felt AWESOME about because I stuck it to 'The Man'. I blame Roald Dahl. Reading his books where kids get one over on the adult world left me with an ineradicable desire to shake shit up. Other people have normal legal hobbies, but you can't exactly brag about breaking rules if you wanna keep breaking them.


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## FifthColumn (Jul 3, 2014)

@Axiom. Lol "Matilda" ftw!!
I hope you pulled some pranks on those rotten teachers  such as putting a toad/ thumbtack on their chair, or putting laxatives in their coffee!
Can you tell us the legal ( and perhaps illegal stuff) you've done just for lulz sake?


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## Axiom (Jul 3, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> @Axiom. Lol "Matilda" ftw!!
> I hope you pulled some pranks on those rotten teachers  such as putting a toad/ thumbtack on their chair, or putting laxatives in their coffee!
> Can you tell us the legal ( and perhaps illegal stuff) you've done just for lulz sake?



I was never one for pranks. I just really want to be able to be incredibly sneaky and cunning and clever... But yeah, Matilda totally was my idol. The girl who played her is my age, that totally weirds me out for some reason.

Most of what I did was pretty mundane. I'm really good at eating food and chewing gum without getting caught. I can swallow nearly anything whole and, if necessary, regurgitate it. (Not so great a reason for this: my parents drugged the hell out of me so I learned how to swallow really big pills. I hated taking them and have a crazy sensitive gag reflex, so I learned how to carefully throw them back up.)

I can get into sealed containers without breaking the seal.

I can palm change and hide money and other things on myself or in my belongings in plain sight in ways my professional magician boyfriend thinks is actally impressive.

I can pick locks. I smuggled a lock pick through airport security and into a psych hospital in the lining of my shoe.

And I casually committed mail fraud for years. It's illegal to open other people's mail but I did when I wanted to see what was in it. Not steal it. Just see. I hate surprises, I'm the sort of person who looks spoilers up on purpose so I know what's coming. But the statute of limitations expires on that in five years and I haven't done it for at least that long, and in any case I never stole anything. But it is shockingly easy to do it. Steaming open letters is simple enough and resealing them just needs a gluestick. The trick is making it not stand out, for which you can iron it through a pillowcase or flannel shirt, or wet all the other mail and claim it was dropped in a puddle. Opening packages is even easier: flip it upside down and cut the tape from the bottom. Reseal with the same type of tape. It's possible to see this, but only if yo already know exactly what to look for. Which most people don't.

Like I said, I've mostly done small and harmless things solely because I want to prove I can. I could probably be a decently skilled criminal, but really all I am is a Roald Dahl character masquerading as a grownup.


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## guau (Jul 4, 2014)

A teacher at college once put everyone's grades on a big electronic whiteboard system. When I said one day that he shouldn't have done that as grades are supposed to be private, he bitched at me and said it was because I was slipping in class (I wasn't, I was actually quite high on the "list") and called my mum in. He stopped doing it eventually, but spent every form time we had talking about how we should be more like the girl who was on top of said list, which made everyone feel like complete shit (and we later found out she got A LOT of outside and inside help and she did very little of the work herself, still got top grades but yeah.)


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## TheRedRanger (Jul 4, 2014)

I had an electronics teacher who would spend the first 15 minutes of the class lecturing us on the importance of not wasting time and getting on with out work. And God help anybody who tried to do anything other than listen to him during said lecture.


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## Pine Tar (Jul 4, 2014)

While we're on teachers, I'm going to talk about a Spanish teacher who taught at my high school. I never had her myself (I took German because it was the closest to English), but the stories I heard about her...were weird to say the least. Apparently, she (in her mid-40's or 50's, I couldn't really tell) still lived with her twin sister and her parents. Not only that, she would apparently eat Vick's vapor rub, bite her own toenails and only watch Monk while the TV was on mute. So, maybe she had OCD? If that's the case, that would explain a lot as I know a guy who has OCD who's always thinking that I'm plotting to steal his girlfriend and that his friends are plotting against him.


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## ASoulMan (Jul 4, 2014)

Back in my junior year in high school, I remember hearing from a classmate of mine about a substitute teacher who went in to sub for her IB art class (for those who don't know what IB is, it's basically an academic program). The substitute barely did anything in that class, then suddenly she went on to say how nobody in the class will amount to anything in life (keep in mind, these are students who achieved awesome grades and were pretty intelligent as well). Her ass got fired pretty quickly after that.


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 4, 2014)

There's a girl at my school. She's basically the real-life equivelant of Meg Griffin. She's fat, ugly, and annoying. She's basically the butt of all of our jokes. I know how mean it is, and everyone'd be fine with her being fat and ugly if she wasn't so damn annoying. All she does in art class last year is draw shitty pictures and in my Study Hall class, all she did was go on damn news sites and look at dresses for some strange reason. She was obsessed with celeberties and she literally nearly cried when i said i loathed country music (Which is true, can't stand that shit!) and she has a crush on nearly every boy in the school. Including me. She kept following me around like a retard last year and when i finally flipped the switch and told her to (politely) go away, she acted like i killed her mother. She likes boys so fucking much that it's a running joke that people tell their friends that she has a crush on them even if she dosen't really. I would feel sorry for her, if she wasn't so damn annoying. She also treated me like her little brother, which really pissed me off.


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## captkrisma (Jul 4, 2014)

We had a guy at my recruiter course that was lactose intolerant, and yet insisted on having milkshakes, creamer, and cheese every day...he also had a loose definition as to what a shower consisted of.  He was Mormon (not that it had anything to do with his behavior, so he would constantly make comments in class about how he loved each of us in a creepy way. 

We had a class rule that instead of writing negative paperwork against you (you could only get two before they kick you out of the course), our teacher would make us sing songs.  This lolcow would sing hymns in front of the entire class.  He was just...awkward.


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## FifthColumn (Jul 4, 2014)

RetardBus said:


> Oh boy, do I have a long, crazy story to tell. I knew a guy who was probably the closest I'll ever get to seeing someone like the interesting people we've discussed in the past in person. I'll call him Gilbert. Anyways, I met Gilbert when I was 11, and at that time, I was able to get along with him because I was an awkward kid with somewhat strange interests. Even back then, however, I could tell he was a little weird.
> 
> Gilbert was absolutely obsessed with cartoons and children's shows, talked about them all the time every single hour of the fucking day, and it was rare for him to start conversations that didn't have something to do with cartoons. He wrote crossover fanfics on fanfiction.net, and would sometimes ask me to help him out with them. It was usually stupid shit like the Rugrats becoming spies and meeting Disney characters and Bugs Bunny. I politely told him that I thought these were dumb and had no interest them, although did not intend to offend him. Surprisingly enough, he took this well, but still talked about his crossover fics from time to time, although slightly less.
> 
> ...


Hmm.. I wonder how you even got started to being friends with him. When he said he liked you more than any girl, maybe that didm't mean he was gay for you. Maybe he just has never had a meaningful relationship with a girl, and has never related to one successfully. Maybe thats all he meant? What is he doing now? Any chance at college/ successful life for him?
I have met autists who kind of remind me like him, high functioning people, who still seem so incapable of relating or functioning in the world around them. Is it primarily caused by just bad/incompetant parenting to any degree?


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## RetardBus (Jul 4, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> Hmm.. I wonder how you even got started to being friends with him. When he said he liked you more than any girl, maybe that didm't mean he was gay for you. Maybe he just has never had a meaningful relationship with a girl, and has never related to one successfully. Maybe thats all he meant? What is he doing now? Any chance at college/ successful life for him?
> I have met autists who kind of remind me like him, high functioning people, who still seem so incapable of relating or functioning in the world around them. Is it primarily caused by just bad/incompetant parenting to any degree?


Yeah, I think I agree with you on the whole him not being gay for me, since this guy did not understand romance, nor did he like it in the slightest. While Gilbert's parents were definitely overprotective, they were by no means Barb and Bob, so I'm not sure about the last part of your question.


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 4, 2014)

On the recent topic of worst teachers ever, i'll go with last year's english teacher. I'll just call her Ms. Periodstain.

Ms. Periodstain was relatively new to teaching middle schoolers. She moved out of Malaysia and used to be a teacher at some university in Orlando, FL. And she wasn't too bad at first. She was new at teaching when our old English (and way better!) teacher moved to NC State. She was harmless, until she started to get really fucking annoying. She dragged on and fucking on about "Annotating" and how it makes you become "a better reader" which is bullshit. I annotated for her and i'm still not any fucking better at reading.

She'd give us these big ass packets on "courage" and stuff like that about like wars in Pakistan and asked us the annotate them. WE'RE IN THE 7TH GRADE, NOT JUNIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL. I did it anyways, and she gave us these stupid fucking news articles about shit no one gives a crap about, like one was about some like anti-bullying club in some place in Illinois. Ahem, lady. ILLINOIS IS LIKE FUCKING 5 STATES FROM US. We live in North Carolina. She had this whole rule that you had to "Annotate AS you read it" or you'd get marked off points.

After that, she treated us like 2 year olds. She tried to give me detention for listening to punk rock and metal in class when she said "you can go on music websites when you are writing your poems" she said the music i listen too "Forces bad behavior" and "is satanic" Her logic is like if i listen to All The Small Things by Blink-182, i'll go bring a gun into a school and kill a bunch of children. COME ON. Also, she was angry at my poem about teen suicide prevention because it was "Too dark" No shit sherlock.

Anyways, another stupid thing that happened was there was a quiet day in class and i asked a student to hand another peice of paper and she gave me lunch detention, but our counselor bailed me out of it. Kudos to you. Anyways, me and my friends were so pissed at her that we wanted to do something, which my friend ate Sour Patch Kids in her class to annoy her. It was p funny.

She wasn't even very nice. She interrupted what students said to her by saying answer, which usually isn't even related to what i was about to say. But hands down the stupidest thing she did:

I was hanging with my friends and we were telling bad jokes. I decided to say "How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just juan." and she thought it was racist and nearly tried to get me expelled because of it. She was like "We've got a racist on our hands!" and was freaking out. Okay, i know racism is awful, but COME ON.

She was also fucking obsessed with some shitty Coldplay- ripoff band from South Carolina called "needtobreathe" or something like that and fucking defended them with her life. She played them for us once, and when i didn't say i liked them, she yelled at me. Come on.

Anyways, there ya go. What about you guys? All i can say too the rising 7th graders at my middle; Good luck. You'll need it.


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## Stan Marsh (Jul 4, 2014)

RedPassion, a nutzo from dA who ships her self insert OC with King Louis XVI of France, Severus Snape, and Bilbo Baggins. She also HAAAAATES Marie Antoinette and Lily Evans for being bitches.  I'm a little disappointed she doesn't have an ED page of her own yet.


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 4, 2014)

A-Stump said:


> I have a bit of a lolcow story from my school days
> 
> His name was Michael, and he was the school's punching bag. For one reason or another, his entire existence seemed to be built upon things to be teased for. He was a scrawny kid with tan skin and huge glasses and would always wear Disney related sweaters, big dowdy ones you would expect out of like a poor spinster aunt. His favorite a Winnie the Pooh one, he wore this sweatshirt for years and probably still does.
> 
> ...


Lol. I can relate; There was a kid in my kindergarden class who still wore diapers.

Believe it or not, i used to be my old school's punching bag and it wasn't fun. It's really hard. I was the butt of a lot of jokes. There was actually a rumor that i wore diapers at the start of 6th grade; just because i watched MLP. It got better though. I'm at a better school now.

I'm currently thinking of lolcows i've met, despite i used to be one........


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## Anonimo (Jul 4, 2014)

Here's a personal lolcow of mine who isn't a teacher. He was a student who I went to school who my friends and I refer to as "Mantitty"(He's not actually fat for the record, it was just an insult that a friend came up with a while back that was a take off his last name and it just kind of stuck). He used to always hover over me and my friends at lunch and recess in middle school, acting like we were all his friends. Truth is, none of us liked him, mainly because he often tossed insults at all of us(mostly me). He would always toss the "gay" card at me because I wasn't interested in going to some mediocre school dance or trying to get a girlfriend when I wasn't even old enough to get my learner's permit. Sometimes he would also shove me around in gym class just to be an even bigger dick. Then came the straw that broke the camel's back when he threatened to beat me up because I wouldn't give him my Chips Ahoy! At that point, I was tired of putting up with his antics, and I also dreaded the possibility of being beaten up by him, so I went to the principal and told her about this kid, then at some point later I was called out by the principal to meet her for an intervention with Mantitty, where he apologized, and reluctantly I accepted.

So then a few days later, he tells me that he's turned a new leaf, and he wants to be friends with me. He sounded sincere enough at the time, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, but remained wary. That didn't even last for one day, Hell, one period! So then at Recess, one of my friends tells me that he saw Mantitty talking with a group of kids and were making fun of me behind my back. I questioned him about this, he confessed, and that was enough to tell me that I shouldn't trust him. After that, he just kind of faded away for the most part.

Then I made some new friends during my sophomore year of high school, and we used to do Movie Nights every Friday night where we would all get together, order some pizzas, make some popcorn, and of course watch movies. So One night we are at a friends house and Manitty shows up uninvited. Turns out he was friends with our host, who knew nothing of his antics. He stopped our movie, then monopolized the TV with some friend he brought over that none of us had ever met to play Call of Duty, saying "The winner gets to kiss Anonimo on the lips!" And went raiding around through the fridge looking for beer belonging to our host's older brother. The host wasn't doing anything about it, and I left early because I wasn't going to spend the night being insulted by Mantitty. I later got my friend to lay down the law with Mantitty, and he never barged in again.

Interestingly, while I was meeting up with my friends for a 4th of July block party that my town holds every year, I saw him in a dunk man booth, and there was something satisfying about seeing him being dunked. The only thing keeping me and my buddies from having a go was the fact that the line for the game was long and we were looking to go grab a bite at the booths down the street.

Edit: One thing that I forgot to mention about the bit where he was talking about me with those other kids and making fun of me behind my back: He was trying to get in with that crowd of kids and making fun of me was their sort of initiation ritual. He was trying to "befriend" me so he could do the exact same thing he was doing before


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 4, 2014)

Irony much? I got one. I have Aspergers and i've met tons of mentally disabled/autistic kids. They're not too bad when you get down to it; they usually have a bold interest like i remember one kid i met in the 4th grade was in 3rd and obsessed with Sesame Street. Yeah.... Anyways, most of them were forgetable until i met.... this kid. I'll call him Carl (even though that's not his real name) and he looked like when Josh Peck was fatter, except pudgier and had curly hair. When i was in elementary, i never made eye contact with him, but at least once a week, when we went back in the building to go from recess to our 3rd grade classroom, we saw him frickin' screaming his head off and bawling.

I remember one memory from the 3rd grade where i went to a local pizza place and i saw him in the table in the corner; you see, the actual eating section of the restaurant was about as big as two classrooms together. He was at a table in the corner with his parents and as far as i could see, his parents were like, helping him eat. It was weird and honestly, i'm still intrigued by the memory today.

When he left the school after 4th grade, i lost interest and even kind of forgot about him. Until a year ago.

You see i was bullied at my old school as i mentioned earlier and it got to the point where i had to switch middle schools. One of the teachers who sometimes watches over me invited me to a social club and i said ok fine, and i joined until i saw something that made my jaw drop nearly to China.

It was Carl.

He seemed to gotten pudgier. He was annoying too. Yelling "RYAN I KNOW YOU" and i actually left because of not just him, but another kid who pissed me off. It was p funny, but i saw him every day when i started taking Academic Stratagies. I had it 6th period and the 8th graders have electives 5th period and he was in that class, so i saw him today. He got kind of hunchedback, he walks like a old man at times. Almost every week however, he would act all pouty and be yelling. A few months ago, i sneeked a peek at his binder when he wasn't looking that was in the room.

The cover was a picture of Spongebob's pineapple, Spongebob and Patrick drawn atrociously along with it, and Woody and Buzz from Toy Story, along with the single thing that made my jaw drop; a picture of Thomas The Tank Engine. This kid was like 14. I coulden't fucking believe it. Along with it were some Minions from Despicable Me, along with a shit ton of Angry Birds. His other binder had the same atrociously drawn Spongebob, Patrick, Woody and Buzz, along with Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Applejack, which looked more like dildos instead of ponies. 

I was overviewing him once and i saw him when i was in the library for lunch, looking at the Littlest Pet Shop Wiki. I coulden't believe it. He's also friends with this other girl, who i honestly think hates him, because she does treat him like a friend, but he fucking follows her everywhere. Apparently she has a boyfriend.... Wow, i coulden't believe it. His tantrums are like fucking earthquakes. One time, he got pissed because "he was scared to present" (You've been watching too many cartoons there, friend. How many times has that happened) And i back it up with him saying "If i mess up, everyone will start laughing at me!"

Then he kept yelling like he was getting fucking mauled. It was crazy. He also was obsessed with Star Wars. One time, i overheard the teachers talking about him, saying stuff like "If he keeps playin' with toys in the 9th grade, ooooh he gon get beat up!" It was really suprising.... I kind of feel sorry for him, despite the fact he was kind of annoying.

Now that i think of it, people, i think we might have a future CWC on our hands.


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## A-Stump (Jul 4, 2014)

Ryanshy47 said:


> There's a girl at my school. She's basically the real-life equivelant of Meg Griffin. She's fat, ugly, and annoying. She's basically the butt of all of our jokes. I know how mean it is, and everyone'd be fine with her being fat and ugly if she wasn't so damn annoying. All she does in art class last year is draw shitty pictures and in my Study Hall class, all she did was go on damn news sites and look at dresses for some strange reason. She was obsessed with celeberties and she literally nearly cried when i said i loathed country music (Which is true, can't stand that shit!) and she has a crush on nearly every boy in the school. Including me. She kept following me around like a exceptional individual last year and when i finally flipped the switch and told her to (politely) go away, she acted like i killed her mother. She likes boys so fucking much that it's a running joke that people tell their friends that she has a crush on them even if she dosen't really. I would feel sorry for her, if she wasn't so damn annoying. She also treated me like her little brother, which really pissed me off.



If you don't like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Hank Williams, Sr or Flatt & Scruggs you are a fucked up young man.



Spoiler: Music to put hair on your chest


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## FifthColumn (Jul 5, 2014)

Okk... Ive got one finally..
Lets call him Tywin. Tywin was a british student who went to my college, where I took a political science class with him. American constitutional history to be exact.
We would study a lot of pivotal supreme court cases in American History :Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade, Plessy v. Ferguson etc. Anyway, he always asked rambling, self indulgent questions in class and would frequently pepper his questions ( often in story form) with swear words. At the professor. Example: He'd say things like "well that person would be a silly little bastard wouldn't he?" or " As long as one isnt forced to anything.. WHY would they FUcking care?" 

He also was a devout Catholic, tea partier, and Americna patriot, sort of uncommon things for British people to be. I consider myself friends with him, but I recognize his lolcow tendencies. He also was a bit racist, and had some pretty unreasonable, crazy opinions. For example, he told me that he hated Germany and would never visit there, all because of what the Germans did in World War II during the Bombing of Britain. I get that the Germans caused suffering in Britain ( and almost conquered it too!) but I think it is dumb to blame an entire race/nation for things some of them did years ago. That would be like an Irishman refusing to go to England because the potato famine and historic English repression. Even worse he said that Germany was where Communism, Nazism and Protestantism came from ( Marx, Hitler, and Luther) and said in all seriousness that was why Germany was a bad country. I cant believe he conflated Protestantism with those totalitarian ideologies!
Lets see.... He despises the royal family and seemed glad that Princess Diana died.....  He said that homosexuality is a mental disorder, and saying one is born gay and can't help it, is like saying one is born a pedophile and cant help it .
He wasn't an out an out racsist, but he was inappropriately dismissive of the whole civil rights movement, and the historic second class place of African Americans. He said "he doesn't fucking care about white privilege, and blacks have been pampered by the US government for 150 years." Such ignorance. It is only since 50 years that the government even tried to secure their most basic rights.

Yeah, anyway.. thats Tywin!


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 5, 2014)

A-Stump said:


> If you don't like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Hank Williams, Sr or Flatt & Scruggs you are a fucked up young man.
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler: Music to put hair on your chest


Opinions, opinions...........

She didn't even like Johnny Cash. She meant like the poppy taylor swift shit. I'm sorry to everyone, but i can't stand country music.


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## XYZpdq (Jul 5, 2014)

Ryanshy47 said:


> After that, she treated us like 2 year olds. She tried to give me detention for listening to punk rock and \M/ETAL in class when she said "you can go on music websites when you are writing your poems" she said the music i listen too "Forces bad behavior" and "is satanic" Her logic is like if i listen to All The Small Things by Blink-182, i'll go bring a gun into a school and kill a bunch of children. COME ON. Also, she was angry at my poem about teen suicide prevention because it was "Too dark" No shit sherlock.


Lol that reminds me of a music teacher I had in Junior High. She's in her office hiding and doing nothing as usual, we're fucking around in the main rehearsal area. 
Her MO was "Wait until the competition, rehearse twice when we get there, cry at us about us losing."
So I'm playing with the stereo, put on the local Classic Rock station, Stairway to Heaven comes on. She runs out of her office in terror, panicked that WE HAVE TO TURN OFF THE STEREO NOW. Because Stairway to Heaven has subliminal messages to make you kill yourself.


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 5, 2014)

dcisp said:


> Lol that reminds me of a music teacher I had in Junior High. She's in her office hiding and doing nothing as usual, we're fucking around in the main rehearsal area.
> Her MO was "Wait until the competition, rehearse twice when we get there, cry at us about us losing."
> So I'm playing with the stereo, put on the local Classic Rock station, Stairway to Heaven comes on. She runs out of her office in terror, panicked that WE HAVE TO TURN OFF THE STEREO NOW. Because Stairway to Heaven has subliminal messages to make you kill yourself.


Lol XD. Yeah. Believe it or not, there was only one person ON THE WHOLE TEAM who liked her. Everyone else hated her lol



Ryanshy47 said:


> There's a girl at my school. She's basically the real-life equivelant of Meg Griffin. She's fat, ugly, and annoying. She's basically the butt of all of our jokes. I know how mean it is, and everyone'd be fine with her being fat and ugly if she wasn't so damn annoying. All she does in art class last year is draw shitty pictures and in my Study Hall class, all she did was go on damn news sites and look at dresses for some strange reason. She was obsessed with celeberties and she literally nearly cried when i said i loathed country music (Which is true, can't stand that shit!) and she has a crush on nearly every boy in the school. Including me. She kept following me around like a exceptional individual last year and when i finally flipped the switch and told her to (politely) go away, she acted like i killed her mother. She likes boys so fucking much that it's a running joke that people tell their friends that she has a crush on them even if she dosen't really. I would feel sorry for her, if she wasn't so damn annoying. She also treated me like her little brother, which really pissed me off.


 She also had a crush on one of my friends, and SHE TOLD ME that she did, and she was being a big bitch to me at the time treating me like a 5 year old, so i got revenge on her and told my friend. It was hilarious.


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## A-Stump (Jul 5, 2014)

Ryanshy47 said:


> She also had a crush on one of my friends, and SHE TOLD ME that she did, and she was being a big bitch to me at the time treating me like a 5 year old, so i got revenge on her and told my friend. It was hilarious.



The more you post the more I'm convinced that you're the lolcow.


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## JustSomeGuy (Jul 5, 2014)

Okay, It's been a while since I've posted, but I've got one for you all.....
So, back in high school, I befriended a new kid that I'm gonna call The Director after one of his three biggest obsessions, Becoming a director. The others were Nintendo and 'debating' (read: arguing for no reason other then to argue and win), but we'll get to those in a bit. I've got some stories about him, but a few facts that people need to know about him before I tell those tales.
1. He had an ego that could rival OPL. Half of his reason for debating with people was both because he believed he had superior linguistic skills, but also so he could prove his tastes better then his chosen opponent's. This proved to be his undoing more often then not due to assuming that he was too smart/clever/popular to be wronged and ended up being rather gullible as a result.
2. His love of directing worked it's way into as much of his life as possible, to the point that he occasionally would yet "Action!" when entering a conversation.
3. The Director LOVED action movies above all else. Again, he'd try to work this into everything else he did.
4. He firmly believed he could convince anyone to see his point of view because, and this is a serious quote, "Opinion is fact." Anything he said or believed was correct in his eyes, especially when it came to fandoms, and anyone who believed otherwise was simply in need of being enlightened to the truth. A minor example was when he argued with a friend (whom I'm going to refer to as Mama Bear simply because she was very protective of her friends and rather quick to anger. Yes, this is important later.) about how Star Wars was better then Star Trek. While this is subjective, to the Director, you were wrong if you preferred Trek to Wars. He spent days upon days ambushing Mama Bear as he tried to get her to see the 'truth'.

I have a few different stories about The Director, but I'll tell one for now, and post more if there's some interest!

So, I met the Director back about my Junior year, and he seemed nice enough at the time, so I invited him to join what we at school called the 'Nerd Herd'. We hung out between classes, but also had a rather large DnD group every week at my place. After a couple of weeks, I found out he lived within walking distance, so we invited him to come to the DnD game! Good idea, right? Turns out, he had been reeling in his shenanigans for the first few encounters to 'case' the group, so to speak. I learned much later that he was trying to figure out who the group leaders were so he could attempt to one up 'em and assert his dominance. No, I'm not kidding. The dude treated friends like a pack of animals, and he wanted to be the alpha. In fact, this was a running theme with him.
The first few sessions went well, especially since we liked to take breaks and play games/watch movies and whatnot, so it suited The Director's interests well.  However, before long, he had come to the conclusion that Mama Bear and I were the 'leaders', so we were the targets of his attentions. As time went on, he became more assertive, more argumentative and eventually tried to take 'control' whenever he thought he could.
His first major play was to attempt to become party leader. Now, this was a big group at the time, consisting of an average of 10 players at any given time. I was the DM, but Mama Bear was one of the players, so The Director decided to start an in game vote for leader, lobbying both in and out of game for the election that only existed in his head, specifically trying to convince people not to vote for Mama Bear by ambushing them in the halls and spouting out his speeches to the others (even those who didn't come to the DnD sessions.) Then, during one session, he called to a vote. After stopping up the whole game, talking over the DM, refusing to let anything continue until the vote was cast, we gave in and the winner was....neither of them. Mama Bear actively turned down any votes cast her way, and The Director only got one vote: his own. The 'winner' was a third player who was already the unofficial leader before this whole thing started! The Director ended up sulking about it for weeks after, occasionally bringing it up when the leader made mistakes in judgement...

I've got more about him, but I'll save 'em. Mostly because I don't know how to put things in spoilers and don't wanna wall-o'-text more then I have to. If you want more, I've got...

-The Director takes over DnD
-The Super Smash Beatdown
-The Director hates Children
-The Director versus Mama Bear


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 5, 2014)

A-Stump said:


> The more you post the more I'm convinced that you're the lolcow.


I used to be a lolcow at my old school. Not anymore, though. I actually didn't tell everyone, only my friend.


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## House Of Reeves (Jul 5, 2014)

JustSomeGuy said:


> Okay, It's been a while since I've posted, but I've got one for you all.....
> So, back in high school, I befriended a new kid that I'm gonna call The Director after one of his three biggest obsessions, Becoming a director. The others were Nintendo and 'debating' (read: arguing for no reason other then to argue and win), but we'll get to those in a bit. I've got some stories about him, but a few facts that people need to know about him before I tell those tales.
> 1. He had an ego that could rival OPL. Half of his reason for debating with people was both because he believed he had superior linguistic skills, but also so he could prove his tastes better then his chosen opponent's. This proved to be his undoing more often then not due to assuming that he was too smart/clever/popular to be wronged and ended up being rather gullible as a result.
> 2. His love of directing worked it's way into as much of his life as possible, to the point that he occasionally would yet "Action!" when entering a conversation.
> ...




I'm intrigued. Reminds me of someone I know. Post the story about why he hates children, if you would.


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## Surtur (Jul 5, 2014)

JustSomeGuy said:


> Okay, It's been a while since I've posted, but I've got one for you all.....
> So, back in high school, I befriended a new kid that I'm gonna call The Director after one of his three biggest obsessions, Becoming a director. The others were Nintendo and 'debating' (read: arguing for no reason other then to argue and win), but we'll get to those in a bit. I've got some stories about him, but a few facts that people need to know about him before I tell those tales.
> 1. He had an ego that could rival OPL. Half of his reason for debating with people was both because he believed he had superior linguistic skills, but also so he could prove his tastes better then his chosen opponent's. This proved to be his undoing more often then not due to assuming that he was too smart/clever/popular to be wronged and ended up being rather gullible as a result.
> 2. His love of directing worked it's way into as much of his life as possible, to the point that he occasionally would yet "Action!" when entering a conversation.
> ...




You spoiler like this {Spoiler}{/Spoiler} but replace the { } with [ ].


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 5, 2014)

I've got a story today, oh man do i have one.

I'll just call this kid Max. Yeah, Max. He had a different name, but whatever. I don't really care.

Anyways, i met Max when i was 11 at a comic camp.  Max was similar to me. He liked video games and stuff, and was a bit socially awkward at the time, for reasons i found out later. Anyways, we became good friends and i heard he was going into the same middle as me, so that was great news because my best friend went to a different school, as you might know if you read my biography on my page.

Anyways, Max was fine at the start of the school year. He seemed harmless and actually sort of defended me. From the start one thing bugged me. He whined over fucking everything. "Noooo i don't want to!" and stuff like that like a 1st grader. 

He started to get annoying as the year went on. When we switched electives and he was in a Mythology elective with my other friend, he got really defensive when i said i didn't like Mythology. I was taking Home Economics at that time and i was having a blast in it. Anywho he got annoying and constantly begged to be around me and my other friend, when me and my friends just kind of wanted some times to ourselves at his house.

He wasn't very respectible at my house. He treated it like it's own. He left his socks at my house once, which i actually still have, well i will have before i set them on fire. No, just kidding. That would be fun though. One time my other friend was at my house with Max and we were trying to beat Sonic R because we were bored as fuck. He kept whining about wanting to play Super Smash Bros Brawl.

All he really did when i invited him over to my birthday party is follow around my cat. He had some strange interest in cats because i think one of his parents were like allergic to cats or something. Anyways, his mom was annoying as fuck. I liked his dad, he was cool, even though my other friend at the time (not my friend anymore, i fucking hate him) hated Max's dad because he didn't know what DLC was and played games.

Anywho, one time me and Max were going to go outside, but Max was wearing pants and his mom said he needed to change into shorts. He invited me up, and i said f it, i'll just go. Waiting downstairs would be boring. When he did, he pulled down his pants and he was wearing... briefs. Yeah, not boxers. It was weird. Then he fucking like showcased me all his fucking pairs of underwear. And to my knowledge, he isn't gay.

Another time, i was at my other friends house, and he plays a big part in this story, so let's call him Micheal for this whole "M" kick. Anyways, Micheal was showcasing off his HyperScan (A shitty system made by mattel) and told us how shitty it was, and we played it for fun. You see, back then, we would go to Micheal's house some weekends and play shitty games, play good games, and order pizza.

Anywho, Micheal made a JOKE saying that the HyperScan was so bad, it made him piss himself. After that, Max went up, PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS (micheal was in the bathroom) and he had this huge piss-stain on his freaking blue briefs. It was so scarring and honestly i'm trying to forget that EVER HAPPENED.

Max also had this whole stupid fucking rule where he HAD TO GET ON the bus before me. Yeah. And if i got on before him, he'd bitch and whine about it.  It was so fucking stupid. Also, he said i had "bad habits" when i made some catchphrases were stupid. By this point, i knew i didn't want to be friends with this little shit anymore.

One problem; we signed up for the same fucking camp.

So yeah, i got into Homestuck the week before camp. Max had some big problem with it; Saying "it was shitty" and that sort. He fucking nagged and nagged about it and kept calling it "Homefuck" and i just got pissed. I had 2 other camps. So i made a plan to say he wasn't my friend anymore. In Minecraft camp, he got pissy at me because i watched a Homestuck video and also my skin was Tavros.

Anyways, when the final camp rolled around the clock, he had this friend with him in it, who kept pissing me off, they were like fucking partners in crime. After that happened, i said he wasn't my friend anymore, and acted all sassy about it, like "Fine." It was so stupid, but i was so fucking happy after it happened. I've got some more stories about this kid, and here's the list of facts:

-Max had some big hatred for MLP:FIM when he said he saw it once and said it was okay and called it "retarded"
-Max also had some big hatred for Hot Topic, which is my favorite store. He said it was for "emo punks" like any immature dumbass 3rd grader would say about Hot Topic, when in realization, all he wore were shirts from like Target and Walmart that his parents probably picked out and shitty basketball shorts.
-One time Max fucking cried because the bus was like a minute late.
-Max tried to act all "Cool" saying he didn't go trick-or-treating that halloween.


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## Surtur (Jul 5, 2014)

Ryanshy47 said:


> I've got a story today, oh man do i have one.
> 
> I'll just call this kid Max. Yeah, Max. He had a different name, but whatever. I don't really care.
> 
> ...



How old are you?


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## Have a Pepsi (Jul 5, 2014)

Ryanshy47 said:


> I've got a story today, oh man do i have one.
> 
> I'll just call this kid Max. Yeah, Max. He had a different name, but whatever. I don't really care.
> 
> ...


Sounds more like a general annoying idiot than a lolcow... Not to belittle you or anything, but at 13, I doubt you've met anyone truly lulzy.


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## Ryanshy47 (Jul 5, 2014)

Have a Pepsi said:


> Sounds more like a general annoying idiot than a lolcow... Not to belittle you or anything, but at 13, I doubt you've met anyone truly lulzy.


Now that i think of it, it does sound more like a immature dumbass....



Surtur said:


> How old are you?


13


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## Anonimo (Jul 5, 2014)

To be fair, that Max guy that you listed sounds like he fits the bill for a lolcow. At least if your account is anything to go by.


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## JustSomeGuy (Jul 5, 2014)

Thanks, Surtur! 



PhysicianPhallus said:


> I'm intrigued. Reminds me of someone I know. Post the story about why he hates children, if you would.



Your wish is my command!



Spoiler: The Director hates Children



So, I think I mentioned this, but The Director was a gamer, but only liked games with deep story elements, unless they were either made by Nintendo or had some third party material he could fall back on, like the Marvel universe. Because of this, he absolutely hated the GTA series...until he heard the announcement of 4. The very moment someone compared the game to a movie on the forums he frequented, he was head over heels for it, but only owned a Wii. I, however, owned me a HEXbox and snatched that son of a gun up as soon as I could. As soon as he found out, he begged and pleaded for me to let him try it at the next session. I agreed, but warned him that if my 7-year-old brother was home, it'd have to wait. The Director reluctantly agreed.
The next session rolled around and, much to the Director's dismay, my bro stayed home from his dad's that weekend. Now, a bit of context, the DnD sessions lasted most of the day, starting around 9 am and ended usually sometime between 3-6 pm with about an hour break in the middle. The Director begged my brother to hang out in his room that day, but mum put a stop to that, telling him that my brother was as welcome to hang out with us as he was. This shut The Director up for a while until the break rolled around, when he started back up trying to kick my brother out of the room, this time by raising his voice at him.
My brother was never in the way and loved hanging out with all of us, so it was rather unwarrented, not to mention the fact that mum was still within earshot. The Director got yelled at again, and backed off for a while...However, when the time was nearing six and people were trickling out, he tried one last shot. He picked up my brother (minorly hurting him in the process, I think a bruise or something), took him out on our porch, dropped him and locked the door as he walked back in. "There, he's busy, can I see the game now?" Needless to say, mum came flying down the stairs and lost her shit. He was banned from the sessions for months afterword. He didn't get permanently banned, however. That's another story... From that day, he forever cursed my brother's name and blamed him for not getting to enjoy GTA 4.



If you want any more, I got a few left over!


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## House Of Reeves (Jul 5, 2014)

JustSomeGuy said:


> Thanks, Surtur!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Damn. Just picked him up and dropped him outside like in The Flintstones. That is some shit. Thanks for delivering!


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## Quijibo69 (Jul 5, 2014)

I know a kinda famous person who is a Lolcow. I used to be friends with their nephew when I was 8.


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## A-Stump (Jul 5, 2014)

-My Little Pony
-Favorite store is Hot Topic
-Blink-182 and Greenday 
-13


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## Varis (Jul 6, 2014)

A lot of these stories feature people from the tellers' childhood, so I don't consider age a problem.

Max does sound pretty whiny, but showcasing his underwear... wtf was that about.


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## guau (Jul 6, 2014)

Ryanshy47 said:


> I've got a story today, oh man do i have one.
> 
> I'll just call this kid Max. Yeah, Max. He had a different name, but whatever. I don't really care.
> 
> ...


Ok he's banned now, but Minecraft camp? I'm in my early 20's and this made me seem very old. In my day all we did at camp was go canoeing and hike, not play a video game


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## FifthColumn (Jul 6, 2014)

Why did he get banned?


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## Backwards Harvester (Jul 6, 2014)

Varis said:


> A lot of these stories feature people from the tellers' childhood, so I don't consider age a problem.
> 
> Max does sound pretty whiny, but showcasing his underwear... wtf was that about.


Personally, I think it's funnier if they're in their late teens and on because it's more awkward for an adult to do things like that.  Most kids grow out of that shit.


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## Surtur (Jul 6, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> Why did he get banned?



Because either:

A) He was a really bad troll

or

B) He really was 13, revealing way too much personal info on how much of a potential Lolcow he would be and would of ended up being a target.


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## Backwards Harvester (Jul 6, 2014)

JustSomeGuy said:


> Thanks, Surtur!
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Ryanshy47 said:


> Now that i think of it, it does sound more like a immature dumbass....


Hope the door didn't hit him on the way out.


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## FifthColumn (Jul 6, 2014)

OK.  This fourth of JULAAYYY, I think my family was sort of "Barbed" by a mother with a young son with autism. I would appreciate feedback.
The autistic child in question is a young boy, who my mother has been working with for the past year, to help him read. My mother is training to be an aide in an autism room at a public school. The child is basically nonverbal, but is very friendly and can say "hello Fifthcolumn) if someone tells him to say it to me. 
Anyway he and his mother come to our fourth of JULAAYY barbecue, and almost immediatly, he jumps in our pool (swimsuit on and everything) and begins swimming around in a circle( with my golden retriever looking after him.) My mom and I would intermittently take breaks from the food and conversation to play with the boy ( to the extent we could.) We would tell him to "throw the ball for the dog" or "make a basket with the basketball." And other wise try to converse with and engage him. We did that, his mother didn't. 
She pretty much spent the whole time talking the other women/mothers who were at our party, most of whom she doesn't know that well, but are fifthcolumn family friends. 
Her son would sometimes get out of the water and run around the pool and party guests chirping and squeaking, his asscrack pretty visible over his swimsuit. It was me, not his mother who said "hike up your swimsuit." He then smiled and hiked it up ! I said it to him, not his mother. 

After the party, my mom and I discussed it, as to why his mother completly ignored him ( for the most part) when he was there. My theory is that she has to deal with him and engage him 24/7 for the most part. Perhaps partly because of her autistic child, she and her family do not entertain much ( she has three other neurotypical children.) Maybe she just wanted an nice long break and speak to other adults normally, like most parents are able to do. And all that makes sense to me, but you still think she might have "checked in" with her little autistic blessing every 20 minutes or so, just to say hello ( she didn't). Thoughts? (btw the mother is the potential lolcow, depending on what you guys think)


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## EDFHemlock (Jul 6, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> OK.  This fourth of JULAAYYY, I think my family was sort of "Barbed" by a mother with a young son with autism. I would appreciate feedback.
> The autistic child in question is a young boy, who my mother has been working with for the past year, to help him read. My mother is training to be an aide in an autism room at a public school. The child is basically nonverbal, but is very friendly and can say "hello Fifthcolumn) if someone tells him to say it to me.
> Anyway he and his mother come to our fourth of JULAAYY barbecue, and almost immediatly, he jumps in our pool (swimsuit on and everything) and begins swimming around in a circle( with my golden retriever looking after him.) My mom and I would intermittently take breaks from the food and conversation to play with the boy ( to the extent we could.) We would tell him to "throw the ball for the dog" or "make a basket with the basketball." And other wise try to converse with and engage him. We did that, his mother didn't.
> She pretty much spent the whole time talking the other women/mothers who were at our party, most of whom she doesn't know that well, but are fifthcolumn family friends.
> ...


The mother is a godawful parent.


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## darkhorse816 (Jul 7, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> OK.  This fourth of JULAAYYY, I think my family was sort of "Barbed" by a mother with a young son with autism. I would appreciate feedback.
> The autistic child in question is a young boy, who my mother has been working with for the past year, to help him read. My mother is training to be an aide in an autism room at a public school. The child is basically nonverbal, but is very friendly and can say "hello Fifthcolumn) if someone tells him to say it to me.
> Anyway he and his mother come to our fourth of JULAAYY barbecue, and almost immediatly, he jumps in our pool (swimsuit on and everything) and begins swimming around in a circle( with my golden retriever looking after him.) My mom and I would intermittently take breaks from the food and conversation to play with the boy ( to the extent we could.) We would tell him to "throw the ball for the dog" or "make a basket with the basketball." And other wise try to converse with and engage him. We did that, his mother didn't.
> She pretty much spent the whole time talking the other women/mothers who were at our party, most of whom she doesn't know that well, but are fifthcolumn family friends.
> ...




I think you're right, she wanted a chance to have some semblance of normality. If she wants that, though, what she should do is find a babysitter or a caretaker for him, and go out once a few weeks, so she can make her own friends, or reconnect with old ones. He doesn't seem severly autistic so it might be less of a challenge to find someone who can watch him.

I understand where you're coming from. At my Mom's Shivah, one of our close family friends who grew up with my mom, (my mom even babysat her) decided to bring her eight-year-old autistic son. All. Three. Nights. I guess since her son is really wild, she has a hard time finding a babysitter. My Mom's friend of course was extremely shook up by my mom's death, so she would talk to my dad, or other family members. So that leaves her son running around our family and living rooms. The first day wasn't so bad because she decided to bring a friend with him and tried to keep him occupied. The second day, I wasn't paying attention, but apparently he bumped into something, and spilled it on a chair, I forget. The third day, his older sister came with, who is 16 I think. I remember she was kind of a brat as kid but has grown out of it. She genuinely was happy to see both me and my first cousin from my mom's side, and she was asking us about all the stuff we were up to, which she genuinely found cool (I live in Singapore for grad school, and my cousin lives between England and New York). But then only ten minutes since she came, her mother told her that they have to leave, and apparently it was because her brother was all like "you said we'd only be here for ten minutes" and she wanted to avoid a conflict. She was sad to go. I think living with her brother can hinder a lot of things. So I honestly understand that mother in your story.

Okay, I derailed the convo. Something about a lolcow, something about a lolcow... Shia Lebouf. I can't tell if he's on a Joaquin Phoenix performance art kick when his becoming a trainwreck was all an act, or that his sanity is unraveling. All and all, his shenanigans are pretty funny, and kind of sad.


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## Surtur (Jul 7, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:


> Okay, I derailed the convo. Something about a lolcow, something about a lolcow... *Shia Lebouf*. I can't tell if he's on a Joaquin Phoenix performance art kick when his becoming a trainwreck was all an act, or that his sanity is unraveling. All and all, his shenanigans are pretty funny, and kind of sad.


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## Drawets Rednaxela (Jul 7, 2014)

FifthColumn said:


> My theory is that she has to deal with him and engage him 24/7 for the most part. Perhaps partly because of her autistic child, she and her family do not entertain much ( she has three other neurotypical children.) Maybe she just wanted an nice long break and speak to other adults normally, like most parents are able to do. And all that makes sense to me, but you still think she might have "checked in" with her little autistic blessing every 20 minutes or so, just to say hello ( she didn't). Thoughts?



She had a chance to spend a few hours being a normal parent and took it. It's to be expected.


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## TheRedRanger (Jul 11, 2014)

TheRedRanger said:


> This guy.
> He pops up on Gaia Online every now and again, posting the exct same thing, spamming the role playing forum with up to 12 identical threads at a time. Judging by his name changes, I'm guessing he's been banned, but keeps coming back.
> Screen caps following soon...


I forgot all about this. Here's a few screen caps.

Here is his initial response to my query:
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG1_zps363ebfe7.png

His totally original and deep character:
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG2_zpsf6c28393.png

Some of the RP itself:
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG4_zps5ae0cd03.png
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG5_zps411740c2.png

And here is what my comment section looked like when I took longer than a minute to reply:
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG6_zpsf20dcb0e.jpg


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## sparklemilhouse (Jul 11, 2014)

http://anonym.to/?https://m.flickr.com/#/photos/cheshirecat666/14628414235/in/people/

One of my friends on Flickr. He's 40-something and acts like a little kid. I believe I posted his bedroom at Christmas a few years ago. Women constantly send him shit too for free. He was the guy with the Christmas bedroom that I posted a couple of years ago.


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## Varis (Jul 11, 2014)

TheRedRanger said:


> I forgot all about this. Here's a few screen caps.
> 
> Here is his initial response to my query:
> http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG1_zps363ebfe7.png
> ...


Wow, someone really needs his hot wolf sexors. How did the rest of the encounter go?


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## Dr. Tremolo (Jul 11, 2014)

I have a somewhat lolcowy friend on skype. He's not a bad person and actually competent in some fields (like being a Source Filmmaker animator), but he's extremely ignorant about the world and dimwitted in some matters. Though I probably blame the latter partially on his understanding of English, which is good enough to understand things around the internet but too poor to understand things better.
He does not seem to grasp how big the world is - he once claimed to own every single DOS and Windows game ever released. Nevermind the fact that it's physically impossible, the PC platform has tons of no-budget no-name games released in newspaper stands, regionally and so on. He'd often spew bullshit like this, with me seeing through it and him then doing damage control. Like when I asked him to send me two old obscure DOS games, he said "alright, I'll take them off my floppies!". Funny how those games he sent me were neatly packaged in zips named like something you'd download from an abandonware site, with txt files inside advertising those sides. I pointed that out, he damage control'd by claiming he simply _downloaded _every PC game in existence. Yeah, and I own and watched every movie from the silent film era.
Funnily enough, he's into the whole Chris-Chan trolling. You'd think he'd be an a-log, comparing himself to Chris to make himself feel better - but that would require knowing what Chris is. He doesn't seem to understand what makes Chris Chris - he's only into this because of the funny shock videos of him drinking navy, parading naked in front of a webcam and Bob walking in during his incomprehensible yelling meltdown. When I tried to, say, show him Liquid Saga videos he did not grasp it at all, being like "WTF? That guy doesn't look like Chris at all". I explained the whole Chris impostor posting videos and "stealing" Chris's identity, and the whole kayfabe about the trolldom pretending as if Liquid was indeed the real Chris, and he was still scratching his head.
Not to mention he's completely helpless, on the fucking internet. It's alright not to know something like a capital of a country and facts like that, but when he has to constantly ask me about that shit instead of using teh Googles, that's learned helplessness.


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 12, 2014)

You guys have some great lolcows. The closest I had was when I took classes at the local tech school along with my high school studies. I was in a speech class and there was one woman who had this weird girl (who was referred to as Grease Monster) she was assigned to. During their presentation, Grease Monster kept babbling on and on about something that barely fits the report and she yelled at Grease Monster to shut-up. Being the naive kid that was used to stories of how the misunderstood kid could be alright if you give them a chance so I volunteered to be Grease Monster's partner.

On our first assignment, I tried to bounce ideas off of what we should do ours on. It was like talking to a wall that occasionally made sounds. After picking a subject myself the woman from before saw my frustration and jokingly said now I know how she feels. This did help us bond, especially after one very hot day where Grease Monster let out a nasty aroma when I was sitting next to her. I could hardly breathe and was watching the clock the whole time. I told her about what happened and started busting up laughing and telling jokes about how we'd have to get her clean. We settled for a truck full of Goo-Gone and lots and lost of brilo pads (with some steel wool ones to make sure.) After the class ended, no one ever saw her again.


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## TopperHay (Jul 12, 2014)

TopperHay said:


> Another thing to add on to this guy is that he has this weird obsession with pizza and where it comes from. He goes on these weird rants that New York family-owned pizzerias are the ONLY places to get pizza from and all shop-bought pizzas are inferior and full of nasty chemicals and preservatives and how he'll never eat them, ever. Funnily enough, he buys store-bought pizza crusts and store-bought sauce because he's too lazy to make his own pizza from scratch, which isn't really that difficult. And the brand of pizza crust he buys is full of chemicals. The hypocrisy makes me laugh every time.


Yet ANOTHER one to add to this guy. One of our friends set up a FaceBook group to share our art and this guy was part of it. I'll call him 'P'. This is what happened....



Spoiler



The group is created.

Everyone is happily sharing their artwork.

P keeps bumping his posts in an attempt to get more comments and likes.

P leaves the group in a fit of jealous rage (claiming that 'stress' is the reason he left) because his art isn't getting enough 'likes' as he thinks it should.

Group carries on as usual.

P comes back after a week or two and becomes admin of the group.

Suddenly, nobody is allowed to post pictures anymore.

When we asked why we weren't allowed to post art, he claimed that it wasn't an art group, despite it being created specifically for that purpose in the first place.



So yeah, just getting really tired of this guy.


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 12, 2014)

BTW, the one who did the stories on Alec and B.J. (sorry I forgot your name), those were hilarious.


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## Jewelsmakerguy (Jul 12, 2014)

​


Alan Pardew said:


> *1. BLACKBusterCritic VS Gligar13Vids*
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> ...



I've heard about this video, and between the people we've mentioned before (A-Log and his former circlejerk, this guy) and those who further fucked the community over (The other targets of BBC like Youngbloodfantasy, Hellsing920). Were there any good commentators back when the community was around?

Oh and no, I don't count Retsupurae or TGWTG. The latter especially because they have their own site.


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## c-no (Jul 12, 2014)

Jewelsmakerguy said:


> I've heard about this video, and between the people we've mentioned before (A-Log and his former circlejerk, this guy) and those who further fucked the community over (The other targets of BBC like Youngbloodfantasy, Hellsing920). Were there any good commentators back when the community was around?
> 
> Oh and no, I don't count Retsupurae or TGWTG. The latter especially because they have their own site.


Looking back on whether or not there were good commentators, part of me wants to say yes but I'm sure that if I were to show it could just say otherwise.


TopperHay said:


> Yet ANOTHER one to add to this guy. One of our friends set up a FaceBook group to share our art and this guy was part of it. I'll call him 'P'. This is what happened....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He must really be jealous of others if their art had gotten more likes than him. Just how would he even become the admin?


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## Jewelsmakerguy (Jul 12, 2014)

c-no said:


> Looking back on whether or not there were good commentators, part of me wants to say yes but I'm sure that if I were to show it could just say otherwise.


I do have to wonder though, wouldn't BBC be considered a commentator? After all, he does exhibit some the same traits that they do (like adding in text after making the video). Plus he seems to be adamant about not editing anything out of his videos, even if it'll end up detracting from the overall point he's trying to get across. Not saying he's bad, just that he needs to know what Video Making 101 is.

TL;DR version: He may deny it, but BBC can technically be considered as one of them.


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## TopperHay (Jul 13, 2014)

c-no said:


> He must really be jealous of others if their art had gotten more likes than him. Just how would he even become the admin?


My guess is that he pressured the guy who created the group to add him back in as an admin. The group creator is nice, but I think he's a bit too nice for his own good.

Also, from what I had seen, everybody got the same amount of likes with each picture they posted. He's specifically targeted me, my fiancé and two of my friends as the main source of his jealous feelings. I don't know what's more pathetic, that he's angry over a few piddly little likes on Facebook or that he's jealous of _us_.  We're just a bunch of weirdos!


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## telegramsamo (Jul 13, 2014)

I've mentioned the autistic man-child in my family on here a few times before. Well, his mother called my grandmother asking for money. Her angelic son has stolen her debit card to hire a prostitute and finally rid himself of his virginity. He says his iPad is missing, so it's possible he hocked that to help fund this endeavor.

He's discussed getting a hooker before. A few weeks ago, he had a very inappropriate conversation with his mom and my grandmother about how a woman at the bus stop offered to suck his dick for $20. His step-grandfather has offered to get him a prostitute a couple times before.


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## deeman (Jul 13, 2014)

Let me tell about this bloke, let´s call him Tony, mostly because it´s his name. He doesn´t really think things through all the time, like with his last apartments door, he had messsed with it so the "automatic lock" couldn´t be changed, wich lead to that he alteast once a week locked himself out.

So me and a friend where in his town and rumbling like weens (as always) and my other friend decide to get some sleep. So Tony had to follow him to the apartment and lock up his door (i hope i get the bizarre thoughts here) but he refused to acknowledge the well known fact that Tony himself had to keep the key after locking up the door for my friend. Since we were going to party for a couple of more hours in the hot summernight. He insisted for like, five minutes while we were walking home about:

1: Lock up the door.
2: Let our friend in.
3: Put the key through the "letterhole" or what you call it.

Of course, the failtasm that is Tony´s mind, refused to acknowledge the utter waste of part 3 of his process. A well as why he didn´t just hand the keys to our friend if that´s the case? I tried to make him understand that we are the ones that needs that key since the sleepy guy are a heavy sleeper. So... okay, not handing the key to our friend by putting it through the effing letterhole then... Then he say that summers most overused funny phrase...

"But what if i hide the keys in the flowerpot outside of the building?"
- "Why don´t you try your pockets, Tony?"

Sorry if this wasnt as funny in text and i suck at english and that shit. I´ll probably share some other stupid things about him, he´s too clever for a lolcow, but he would be a great clown. if not drunk.

EDIT: He is pretty aware that his antics is noteworthy and he probably don´t mind me uploading this... His typical sunday, the dead expression and that half drinked beer ready to be swept in one take before he opened his eyes, luckily, he´s not drinking so often anymore.


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## c-no (Jul 13, 2014)

TopperHay said:


> My guess is that he pressured the guy who created the group to add him back in as an admin. The group creator is nice, but I think he's a bit too nice for his own good.
> 
> Also, from what I had seen, everybody got the same amount of likes with each picture they posted. He's specifically targeted me, my fiancé and two of my friends as the main source of his jealous feelings. I don't know what's more pathetic, that he's angry over a few piddly little likes on Facebook or that he's jealous of _us_.  We're just a bunch of weirdos!


Perhaps you could say both. Get's angry over a few petty likes on Facebook while being jealous of you and a few others.


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## Varis (Jul 14, 2014)

deeman said:


> Let me tell about this bloke, let´s call him Tony, mostly because it´s his name. He doesn´t really think things through all the time, like with his last apartments door, he had messsed with it so the "automatic lock" couldn´t be changed, wich lead to that he alteast once a week locked himself out.
> 
> So me and a friend where in his town and rumbling like weens (as always) and my other friend decide to get some sleep. So Tony had to follow him to the apartment and lock up his door (i hope i get the bizarre thoughts here) but he refused to acknowledge the well known fact that Tony himself had to keep the key after locking up the door for my friend. Since we were going to party for a couple of more hours in the hot summernight. He insisted for like, five minutes while we were walking home about:
> 
> ...


Whuh... why didn't he want to take the key with him?


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## deeman (Jul 14, 2014)

Varis said:


> Whuh... why didn't he want to take the key with him?


That is the mystery... i think i had to retell him the premise of "Lock up door for sleepy friend, take key with us!" as good as i possibly could. But like a certain lolcow, he get fixated on totally stupid things, like, why lock up the door, close it and put the key through the lettebox on the door? Don't remember if he ever understood or really cared. He is one of those you have to take care and be the more sober person for, someday i better write down more stupidity from him. One good thing with him is that he is accepting the fact that he always is that clown in the gang.


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## Dr. Tremolo (Jul 16, 2014)

Since I have nothing to do today I'll add to my previous post.
That guy is also spoiled as shit. His family is not rich, but he gets around 250€ of pocket money with some bonuses every month - not having to pay for anything at home gives him pretty much more money to spend on shit than Chris does with his tugboat. So he keeps buying shit he doesn't need - like buying a new iMac every year or so (which'll bring me to another point later) _in addition_ to the latest, most expensive PC parts. And then he plays Duke Nukem 3D all day. He doesn't even have idea what all these things do - when I got a new graphics card once he was like "oh , you have a more powerful GPU than me", I replied "yeah, but you have two in SLI" so he went "wut? I only have one monitor so the second card is not having any use". Even though it gave him performance boost which he did not realize. Excuse me, but even if you think that SLI does nothing on a single screen, and yet you don't have a second monitor and you don't intend to get one, why the hell would you spend money on a second identical card? And he buys all that at stores where everything is much more expensive than if you bought them wisely. Same things that piss me off off with OPL's Lego spendings - I have my hobbies and I spend the amount of money I get wisely, and if I had as much money as any of those two I'd have pretty much everything I need. It doesn't need much guessing that he doesn't know about value of money - he'd once flash me a 100€ banknote on the webcam saying "not lots of money" (okay, it might be in west Europe - but in the context he spends it on it is a lot of money, and if he knew anything about the world he'd know that it's insensitive when talking to someone from a dirt poor country like mine. I bet if he was actually consciously a douchebag he'd blow his nose into it on webcam). He'd also keep telling me that he'll buy a Lamborghini because "saving up money is easy". If this was the period when I was only getting to know him I'd think he's just joking around, but with his understand of economy - he isn't. This is unsettling, because a few years back I showed him a photo of the typical Polish neighborhood of communist apartment blocks - and he asked me ", do you own the whole building?". I thought he was just joking back then, but now that I know his concept of economy I'm very willing to bet he does not believe that owning a whole 12-story building to live in is an absurd thought.
So about the iMac thing - he knows jack shit about computer hardware. I personally don't like iMacs having worked with them for a bit, but he buys those overpriced boxes for "even better gaming than on [his] PC" - because he has that mentality that anything more expensive must be automatically superior. When I posted a chart about the overpricedness and inefficiency of Macs for gaming - he told me the gem that Macs can have more RAM than PC, because PCs can only have 2GB per module at best. I guess me having two pieces of 4GB RAM in my computer is witchcraft. All this couples with the SLI thing - and yet he thinks he's a computer expert. Dunning-Kruger effect at its best.


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## HG 400 (Jul 16, 2014)

Sean is a kid who lives next door to me.

Fuck him


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## Foulmouth (Jul 16, 2014)

I don't know shit, jus' being patriotic


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## Dunsparce (Jul 16, 2014)

I got word that this thread has turned into a "Talk about the people you don't like" thread rather than a thread about personal lolcows. I'm here to everyone to get the topic back on track or I'll lock this shit.


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## Colress (Jul 16, 2014)

agreed, Dunsparce. i'm also voting for more stories of Batty


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## Kamen Rider Black RX (Jul 16, 2014)

Jason David Frank





This guy. And for some good reasons.


Spoiler: Facebook



First of all, JDF on facebook. Around the time I was getting into tokusatsu, JDF broke the world record for most pine boards destroyed while jumping out of a plane (his record has since been beated). I thought cool, so decided to follow him.
* He ends most posts with an annoying "yeeeeeeeeeea"
* He sometimes posts pictures of his family in compromising positions, such as a picture of his wife sleeping, his 11 year old daughter in the bath (with a swimming suit) or one of his wife in a swimsuit with a nipple visible (Don't really mind these, but there are critics who use this against him.)
* Shares almost anything doing with his time as a ranger.
* Recently, he's been posting vids of him trying to be cool and funny. These include breaking a changing station in a public bathroom and, I swear this is true, "street racing" a car in trying to pass him by speeding up. With the latter, I think his daughter was in the vehicle.






Spoiler: Salt Lake Convention



So, there's that. Then you have his con appearances. Now many fans will swear he's a great guy, very down to Earth. The problem is many people will state that they have had bad experiences with him. Case in point, this account popped up after a recent con.
http://www.rangerboard.com/showthread.php?t=168282
To summarize:
* Man and his daughter go to meet JDF.
* While getting photos taken with him, the process is so rushed his daughter's face is covered by the morpher prop in the photo.
* When going to get the photo autographed. Man gave JDF a drawing he did years ago and was cut off with JDF telling him to follow him on facebook and was pushed aside. The whole meeting took about 15 seconds.
* Daughter started crying about not being able to give him her picture.
* Aide brought daughter back to JDF, where he accepted her picture.
* With mixed feelings afterwards, they attended another autograph session. With no one else in line, JDF wouldn't even look up from his cellphone.

This made it back to JDF, where he tried to say he was sick at the time. Then he accused the OP of being a hater (was actually a very big fan beforehand) and said "send me back the picture and I'll send you back the money."


> well ryan yes i saw this happen people moved the long way to fast i was really upset my self.. i did say sorry even Took a FREE pic. and i have here drawing her at my house.. you came back a few times to hang out.. i had a huge line and feel i was more then fair.. all about money? that offends me after i say sorry take free pic 2 in fact i tried man.. its to bad you feel that way.. whats your pay pal money i rather just refund you so you can go on your way.. sorry again and god bless!!!
> 
> and as far and cutting line in front of people thats NOT excepted i AM a hero to many.. this is UNHEARD of fans like this make me upset.. its not the money man...i was sick did what i could made you happy took a pic. but like you said insisted to hang around time and time again. the con is about other people too man....ask around in fact I'm posting cause I'm NOT worried about this non sense!!! ill be MORE and happy send me photos back ill pay you cash back simple!!!! way to start off to a good easter!!
> 
> shoot guys another hater of course ill give his money back this whole thing must be some kind of tommy hater NEVER said cheat saban caught the cheaters I'm a man of my word...i gave out SO MANY free things..YOU my friend will NOT get my attention again!! best to hit another page taking away from my true fans.. dude i remember you ..YOU over used this to come to booth over and over again staff even saw i gave you a TON of stuff now GOOD BYE!!!


Note, this was someone else calling JDF out, not the OP






Spoiler: Jason's Return



Recently, Austin St. John (Jason) returned to the con circuit (he had been a paramedic in the Middle East for the last couple of years). JDF pulled out of a con hours after St. John's appearance was announced. JDF tried to claim something about how he promised time with his daughter or had a shoot, but the con head said in an interview it was because of a clause in JDF's contract. See, JDF can pick which other Rangers he appears with, and since he has a grudge against St. John (supposedly about stories St. John said on set 20 years ago and using a stage name. At one time he kept pushing for him and St. John having a real fight "because the fans want it"). Then, JDF says he would appear but only if the rest of the original rangers did for free.

I should point out JDF is the highest paid ranger in the convention circuit.





Spoiler: Morphin' Madness



A few months back, there was this contest. Kids at home got to vote for their favorite rangers, with the winners of each match continuing on to the next week. Voting was limited to once per day. JDF did the following:
* Started off by telling his fans to vote for him (fine)
* Offered autographs to fans who vote for all three of his rangers every day that week (they must post pictures to prove it) (A little iffy, but I'll allow it)




* When his rangers were losing, he posted on facebook that he couldn't understand, the votes must be rigged by haters and finished by saying "I am your hero." (Whut?) (the "hero" one is a separate post I haven't been able to locate.


> ATTN: this has to be rigged apparently there are a few hater groups that are making sure we lose. NO way that these votes are real from 80% to this??
> Dino 30%, Green 30%, White 31%. I have 4 million reaches and this has to be rigged. Don't let a few hater groups running these votes. Come on team you all have the social media drive. White Dino beat green what?? Must be a toy thing or then again got to love haters. This is in your hands now. VOTE create groups what ever u have to do. Lol log on!!"


* Posted on facebook how to get around voting restrictions (Foul)




* When whoever was running the show deleted votes deemed fraudulent, most rangers lost thousands while JDF lost merely a few hundred and won his races. No punishment for telling his followers how to cast fraudulent votes.
* During a soon-after reddit session, he deflected questions about his actions. He cited it was the haters who cast the fraudulent votes and he doesn't condone cheating.


> JDFFFN: First don't ruin this new thing i have lol. 2nd wasn't crying cheating is not ok I'm my book
> 
> 
> 
> ...





He will always maintain he does everything for his fans.

Some other stuff:
* Posted a picture of himself with executive producer Jon Tzachor, saying Tzachor saved Power Rangers after Disney "ruined it" (Tzachor comes under intense scrutiny from fans and former crew members due to being a notorious cheapskate while heading some of the worst received seasons). When people asked him what he meant (often pointing out that JDF starred in a Disney season), he said Disney ruined the show by not promoting it. Nothing to do with the actual quality of those seasons.
(Tzachor is being replaced next year, likely because the current season, Megaforce, has underperformed in both ratings and toy sales. JDF's post seems to me him coming to the defense of a friend)
* Has a youtube "reality show" about himself called My Morphin' Life."
* When the upcoming Mighty Morphin' reboot movie was announced he, and I shit you fucking not, posted the personal contact information of one of the higher-ups at Lionsgate and told his followers to tell Lionsgate to put him in the movie. This was within hours of the announcement and fans did contact her, saying no one would watch a Power Rangers movie without JDF.
* Tried to pitch a solo Green Ranger movie starring himself for the last few years.
* When asked about his time on the set, his stories will change to whatever will make him look the best. Take for instance St. John, Walter Jones or Truy Trang (RIP) leaving. If they are with him at the panel, he will say he agreed with them and would have walked if he didn't have a newborn at the time. If alone, he will condemn them for being too greedy.
* Some issues with him behind the scenes. Supposedly put a fly in David Yost's (Billy) sandwich and farted on a  sleeping Steve Cardenas (Rocky). While working on Disney's Dino Thunder, was said to be a drama queen who only cared about getting his closeup by castmate Emma Lahana.
* Has bashed former Rangers who turned down returning for the 20th anniversary (they often cite they were expected to do so for little pay. According to Matt Austin (SPD Green), he would have taken a personal loss by doing so)
* Has said people who don't like Tommy/Him are not "true Power Rangers fans."
* Often said to be the face of the franchise. I'd like to point out the series was only saved from cancellation during Turbo when he (and the other vet rangers) left and were replaced. The Turbo movie tanked and viewership had been on the decline since around the second season (where he took over as leader and the aforementioned departure of Jason, Trini and Zack occured)
* Decided to hold a panel when he was scheduled to sign autographs.

His fans also seem to think people criticize him because "it's the cool thing to do" because he's so big.


----------



## Null (Jul 17, 2014)




----------



## Queen of Tarts (Jul 17, 2014)

A friend of the family more or less qualifies as this, so I'll go into some details.

I met this person when my mom started hanging around her sometime in the 90's.  Let's call her Coocoo. She's a total pill head and known as the town slut (she'll sleep with anything, my mom suspected she's slept with some of our family members too).  She has been arrested for pulling a gun on an officer, and the whole time she was in there, she would make calls to her own house from jail and no one would answer them.  My mom was staying there at the time.  Nope, just let it ring and ring.

I used to feel really sorry for her until I spent more time around her.  The woman is seriously disturbed.  Every time my mom has a guy, she tries to take him from her, usually by dressing in something provocative ALA Pixyteri (a blue tube top comes to mind...Where's the brain bleach when you need it?)  Her tits are quite saggy too, so it was...unpleasant to look at, to say the least.  Coupled with the severe premature wrinkles she has from all the drug use and you have a veritable recipe for gouging your own eyes out.

She has been known to pick up guys as young as 19, her being past 50 now.  She will literally fuck any guy who will give her the time of day.  Most of the recent men she's been with all steal from her, usually pills or money, and she lets them do it.  According to them, her snizz is the stuff of nightmares.  I'll take their word from it, but hearing first hand from a family member her beg a current boyfriend for dick right in front of him, I'll say she doesn't get it often and when she does, the guys are hard up.

I really have nothing against her.  She's always been a topic to laugh about, but I can't imagine staying with the woman.  She's negative all the time and loves to cause drama.  If you don't show her the slightest amount of attention, she will pout.  Like a child.  And she's 50 something.


----------



## darkhorse816 (Jul 17, 2014)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> Jason David Frank



Go go Diva Ranger!

By the way, there are a bunch of lolcows in the tokusatsu/power ranger community.


----------



## ASoulMan (Jul 17, 2014)

I knew that someone would mention JDF in this thread sooner or later LOL


----------



## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 17, 2014)

I'd go with comic strip creator, Tom Batiuk. Batiuk had a good start with Funky Winkerbean which followed the lives of four teen boys as they grew-up and made lives of their own. Over time, the strip would focus on real-life issues like teen pregnancy, censorship and cancer. In fact one of his arcs that deals with Lisa (the wife of one of the original boys, Les) getting breast cancer and he was nominated for a Pulitzer for it. This and along with other positive attention he got for his stories made his head swell-up and he convinced himself that he was a "serious writer".  The problem was the he mistaken "serious" for gloom and doom, unpleasant characters who look dumpy, haggard and at least 10 years older than they are; smug smirking and bummer upon bummer piled upon the cast. 
 Hell, there's a page dedicated to a monthly column that tackled the most depressing moments of of the comic and it's sister one, Crankshaft (which is about a cranky, destructive, sociopathic old man).

Here's some other highlights...

-Unable to reach the same amount of recognition when he made a second cancer story (that involved the breast cancer returning and killing off Lisa) or his other arcs, he's been milking the cancer thing for years. Every year, the comic has a "Lisa's Legecy Run" where Les and the cast raise awareness for breast cancer (one year they did it twice). He tried to publish a novel version of the cancer story and it failed, but it's a big hit and is going to be made into a film in the comic.

-Anyone who criticizes him for being depressing or shoving cancer down their throats (no matter how civil and open-minded the critique is) are accused of being "hidebound literalists" who can't appreciate serious subject matter in comics and only want mindless humor. He even made a storyline where a supporting character wanted to do a school play about cancer ("Wit"), but all the strawman parents were mad about it being about "cancer and death." When in reality "Wit" is a bad choice for a school play since it's a one-woman act that is well-known for being so difficult that even college-level actresses have problems pulling it off.

-The man loves to pump serious subjects into his comic only to fail at it. One of them, the arc about an openly gay couple wanting to attend prom is met with protest. The thing is that Batiuk turns it into a self-congratulating opus. We don't even know the gay boys' names, what they feel about the protest or even see them again after the first few strips; the principal is Batiuk's mouthpiece who convinces the protestors (except one who is told to shut-up) to let the couple in, a mysterious gay kid (who is hidden behind some prom decorations) congratulates the principal for being such a bit help to the gay community and said principal and his wife are made prom king and queen. 

It's amusing just to watch how much both comics can slip into failed attempts to be "serious work", Batiuk's own self-pity over how no one understands his vision (via Les in the Hollywood arc) and how much worse (or at least depressing) the comic can get. For you comic book fans, he's got the kind of geek attitude that would make other comic geeks want to avoid him and his characters.


----------



## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 18, 2014)

I know you guys have mentioned Butterbup Dew in the old Brony thread, but I used to follow this guy's tumblr because he's in a unique class of nutty bronies. He had a mess of essays on how MLP:FIM is this pro-white, nationalist and ethnic purity screed. (He used to be a big supporter of enforced Christianity, but then dropped it for Greek/Roman paganism.) The irony to this is that he is openly gay, has mixed ethnicity (British with Italian heritage), proudly sings the praises of a show that is mainly for little girls. If he got his wish, he'd be thrown into the ovens before he can say "master race."

Here's one of my favorites on how Neanderthals are these superior beings who are more artistic, nicer and introverted compared stupid, extroverted, macho, hedonistic Cro Magnums. (And basically, gay male Bronies are Neanderthals.) And how the game, Crysis, is racist against whites.

Then there's this...


----------



## DykesDykesChina (Jul 21, 2014)

So I was walking down the road, minding my own business, when... _it_ walked towards me.

"It" is actually three persons, two girls and one dude, who were very obviously (as in: demonstrating it for the world to see and admire) in a polyamorous BDSM relationship. The guy seemed to be the dom as he led the two chicks around on leashes.

See, I have nothing against BDSM, I'm somewhat kinky myself. I also like chubby girls, I find them very cute and sexy. But these three managed to break the sound barrier of ridiculousness.

The dude was decked out in "SEE I'M COOL AND TOUGH" attire, black biker-style leather and mirrored sunglasses. He reminded me of Chris in his "gay trucker" outfit if one had thrown him into a barrel of pseudo-coolness. The two chicks... You probably still remember the three highschool-goth-style actresses in the Maradonia trailer. Well, imagine that two of these had been subjected to the weird inflation fetish of some deviant artists. Then you get the idea. This wasn't chubby, this was a body type making Chris look anorexic in comparison. Plus skimpy clothing that made the fat bulge out everywhere.

This event sure added some refined lulz to my afternoon.


----------



## John Titor (Jul 21, 2014)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> Jason David Frank
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I never did like the Green Ranger in the first place. He always appeared to me as a douche and I had that opinion when I was 7.


----------



## Watcher (Jul 21, 2014)

I just met someone very weird in a /v/ friends thread. My replies are bolded.


Spoiler



Monday, July 21, 2014
*2:12 AM - Wo1fy: Ohai*
2:13 AM - Mint: hi woify
*2:13 AM - Wo1fy: I'm surprised at the reactions your getting in the thread*
2:13 AM - Mint: you're*
2:13 AM - Mint: If you're gonna be a furry at least have the decency to type properly.
*2:13 AM - Wo1fy: Ouch
2:19 AM - Wo1fy: are you always this hostile? I don't mean to insult you or anything
2:23 AM - Wo1fy: I just wanted to chat*
2:28 AM - Mint is now Online.
2:28 AM - Mint: your name is offputting, sir
*2:28 AM - Wo1fy: In what way?*
2:28 AM - Mint: meow
*2:31 AM - Wo1fy: Do you mean the 1 in my name?*
2:43 AM - Mint is now Online.
2:44 AM - Mint: yes
*2:44 AM - Wo1fy: if it's a problem for you. I'm not going to change it
2:45 AM - Wo1fy: So either adapt or remove me*
2:45 AM - Mint is now Offline.


He chose option 2.


----------



## Kamen Rider Black RX (Jul 21, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:


> Go go Diva Ranger!
> 
> By the way, there are a bunch of lolcows in the tokusatsu/power ranger community.


There's this one guy, I'll call D, who throws bitch fits about fandom memes (like Megaforce Pink being an environmental terrorist/serial killer/in a lesbian relationship with Yellow. Mostly a combination of the three) and interpretations (like Samurai Yellow being mentally 5) because he either disagrees (and will phrase it in such a way to let you know he disagrees with the general census. Every time.) or doesn't like it (and shouldn't have to see it). Basically, he holds what the writers intended way above how it comes across.


----------



## Pickle Man (Jul 22, 2014)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> There's this one guy, I'll call D, who throws bitch fits about fandom memes (like Megaforce Pink being an environmental terrorist/serial killer/in a lesbian relationship with Yellow. Mostly a combination of the three) and interpretations (like Samurai Yellow being mentally 5) because he either disagrees (and will phrase it in such a way to let you know he disagrees with the general census. Every time.) or doesn't like it (and shouldn't have to see it). Basically, he holds what the writers intended way above how it comes across.



Off topic but this kind of remind me of the butthurt over using the dairanger suit in Super Megaforce and drama over Zyu2 footage (Grnrngr threatening to withheld the footage if the fandom didn't worship the ground he walk and the massive butthurt from him when a former shunt coordinator upload all the footage onto youtube)


----------



## Axiom (Jul 22, 2014)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> Jason David Frank
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wow. What the fuck. This is very slightly depressing to me, the Green Ranger was my first crush. Admittedly it was because of his hair. He had that ponytail back in the day, which I was amused to notice yeeeeears later was really short. I had never seen boys with long hair before, and my mom haaaated boys with long hair, so it was a combination of exotic and forbidden that made him hard to not fancy. Of course, I was eight at the time.

Still, its never fun when you learn an old crush is actually a shitty person. Shame. It's sad when people cling to 20+ year old fame.


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 22, 2014)

Axiom said:


> Wow. What the fuck. This is very slightly depressing to me, the Green Ranger was my first crush. Admittedly it was because of his hair. Still, its never fun when you learn an old crush is actually a shitty person. Shame. It's sad when people cling to 20+ year old fame.



I always thought he was good looking when I was younger as well. Shame what he became though.


----------



## ASoulMan (Jul 22, 2014)

He was practically me and my older brother and cousin's favorite ranger when we were growing up (well one of them for me, but that's another story).

I always loved his over exaggerated HIYA's.


----------



## LaptopGeek (Jul 22, 2014)

Not sure what this uncover as but I want vent out this LULz.

Basically I was doing a livestream and I had Skype on at the same time. There is that group chat and whenever my name gets mentioned, I get notified. So I got notified and wanted to check it but rather than show it when a livestream was on my computer. I checked it on my iPad. I can't believe what they said was so shallow.

It is because, we have these livestreams and one of the chat conversations were about certain LOLcows but they were all better than this guy http://cwckiforums.com/threads/the-golden-knight.3538/ . But seeing what happened on Skype, had one person left, not sure if he wanted to leave because he is fed up the conversation. But other person said he avoided my Livestream because he could get access then he left because of the conversation, don't know if he did it because they were repetitive or wanted to avoid the two certain friends. And another friend on Skype avoided my stream for that reason too. Yet, I haven't seen him on other streams lately due to his laptop not working, however, he hosted one tonight.

I honestly wish they come to the stream without the conversation about their subject of distaste putting them off. Easy, use full screen mode, ignore the conversation, look on your Facebook or deviantART or switch the sound off if I  mention the convo. Livestreams are for the drawing and subjects change after 5 mins.


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 22, 2014)

When I went to college the first time, I befriended an older woman who seemed alright at first. She was right-wing, yet pro-environment and adecent  conversationalist. The problem was that she had a trigger with anything sexual (even mentioning something being sexy/sensual, like a radio add about a show). She had this seething hatred towards sex to the point that she believed that we should teach kids and teens "to hate and fear sex" because they are "too stupid to understand it". She compared sex-ed to "teaching a kid how to build a bomb and then say not to use it." 

One time, we had an assignment where we were to design our own tarot card (via Photoshop) and one student picked "The Lovers." She used a picture of a naked, hetro couple looking fondly at each other in an innocent way (it seemed that way to me) as they had their arms around each other. She got very upset with it and called it filthy during the peer critique. I explained to her that The Lovers is supposed to have nude bodies and she replied in a disgusted tone, "They should be called The Lusters, not The Lovers."

I was very tempted to ask if she was raped or molested when she was younger (probably as a teen) to her hate towards teen sexuality and sex in general. (She didn't seem like a hardcore fundy.) But I held my tongue on that and just worried about any kids she has or will have once they hit puberty.


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## KatsuKitty (Jul 22, 2014)

Yaoi Huntress Earth said:


> When I went to college the first time, I befriended an older woman who seemed alright at first. She was right-wing, yet pro-environment and adecent  conversationalist. The problem was that she had a trigger with anything sexual (even mentioning something being sexy/sensual, like a radio add about a show). She had this seething hatred towards sex to the point that she believed that we should teach kids and teens "to hate and fear sex" because they are "too stupid to understand it". She compared sex-ed to "teaching a kid how to build a bomb and then say not to use it."
> 
> One time, we had an assignment where we were to design our own tarot card (via Photoshop) and one student picked "The Lovers." She used a picture of a naked, hetro couple looking fondly at each other in an innocent way (it seemed that way to me) as they had their arms around each other. She got very upset with it and called it filthy during the peer critique. I explained to her that The Lovers is supposed to have nude bodies and she replied in a disgusted tone, "They should be called The Lusters, not The Lovers."
> 
> I was very tempted to ask if she was raped or molested when she was younger (probably as a teen) to her hate towards teen sexuality and sex in general. (She didn't seem like a hardcore fundy.) But I held my tongue on that and just worried about any kids she has or will have once they hit puberty.



Yeah, she was molested.


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## Lil (Jul 22, 2014)

She won't be having kids anytime soon. Everyone can come up with reasons why, and even if they're all different, they'll still be valid.


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 22, 2014)

KatsuKitty said:


> Yeah, she was molested.


I'm guessing by an older sibling since teen sex makes her angry.


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## Surtur (Jul 23, 2014)

Yaoi Huntress Earth said:


> I'm guessing by an older sibling since teen sex makes her angry.


Or she had a very conservative upbringing. She may not of been molested, but if her parents were aggressive and even abusive about the possibility of sex, that alone could leave scars in her mind.


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## LaptopGeek (Jul 23, 2014)

TopperHay said:


> My guess is that he pressured the guy who created the group to add him back in as an admin. The group creator is nice, but I think he's a bit too nice for his own good.
> 
> Also, from what I had seen, everybody got the same amount of likes with each picture they posted. He's specifically targeted me, my fiancé and two of my friends as the main source of his jealous feelings. I don't know what's more pathetic, that he's angry over a few piddly little likes on Facebook or that he's jealous of _us_.  We're just a bunch of weirdos!



It is a shame he has gone this way. I mean is, from 2010 to 2011, his characters were at the same facial direction and thought he can only draw humans all the time but then experimented by doing angles and drawing non humans and actually did comics which he was improving alot and and a pleasant guy to talk to. He told me not to feel left out if I didn't get comments on work and move on.
Years later, he got too busy to draw because he has to do his videos like it was a chore and compared it to my university work amount. But he whenever he did his art, he was still improving. But then the 'this is why I don't always get nice things' attitude struck. 
I mean, he started getting jealous at the certain artists and not adding his characters to group shots. I can relate as I tried to improve for years and got upset for not getting the right amount of feedback, but since then, I matured enough to not let get to me (and understood the reasons why people might of not got me feedback due to lack of time and strain). He also gets annoyed at the lack of comments too.
What annoys me about this are the facts, he says he gets too busy to comment on my work and other peoples work, yet he comments on my friend's work and he gets upset if doesn't get his amount. He also gets more feedback than me, I get about 3 to 5 and he gets about 10+ depending on the deviation. He also told me not to get upset if I didn't get the comments and not to leave dA as a result. 
In conclusion, I guess we are spoilt.


----------



## BriarHeart (Jul 24, 2014)

Yaoi Huntress Earth said:


> When I went to college the first time, I befriended an older woman who seemed alright at first. She was right-wing, yet pro-environment and adecent  conversationalist. The problem was that she had a trigger with anything sexual (even mentioning something being sexy/sensual, like a radio add about a show). She had this seething hatred towards sex to the point that she believed that we should teach kids and teens "to hate and fear sex" because they are "too stupid to understand it". She compared sex-ed to "teaching a kid how to build a bomb and then say not to use it."
> 
> One time, we had an assignment where we were to design our own tarot card (via Photoshop) and one student picked "The Lovers." She used a picture of a naked, hetro couple looking fondly at each other in an innocent way (it seemed that way to me) as they had their arms around each other. She got very upset with it and called it filthy during the peer critique. I explained to her that The Lovers is supposed to have nude bodies and she replied in a disgusted tone, "They should be called The Lusters, not The Lovers."
> 
> I was very tempted to ask if she was raped or molested when she was younger (probably as a teen) to her hate towards teen sexuality and sex in general. (She didn't seem like a hardcore fundy.) But I held my tongue on that and just worried about any kids she has or will have once they hit puberty.



That's actually really sad.  I mean, she might have been asexual, but that would just mean that she's not interested in sex, not that she has to be repulsed by it.  For an aversion of that magnitude without something like a religion to back it up?  Yeah, past trauma sounds pretty likely.   

Did she ever mention seeing a counselor or therapist?


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 24, 2014)

BriarHeart said:


> That's actually really sad.  I mean, she might have been asexual, but that would just mean that she's not interested in sex, not that she has to be repulsed by it.  For an aversion of that magnitude without something like a religion to back it up?  Yeah, past trauma sounds pretty likely.
> 
> Did she ever mention seeing a counselor or therapist?



Since I never asked about her past out of politeness, I don't know. The professor actually agreed with her scare kids about sex idea. Despite going to an arts college, I had more run ins with crazy right-wingers than stereotypical leftist, college kids. Other than one white guilt professor, but I did learn some neat things about the social issues of the past that made me more fascinated with American history. Just learning about all the different perspectives was neat.


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## telegramsamo (Jul 24, 2014)




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## hm yeah (Jul 24, 2014)

okay, so i stalk people sometimes. today i'm going to write about someone i'll call cmf. she's not a "typical lolcow" - she's really, really weird but has a sense of humor and self-awareness, and i don't think she's ever been "trolled" or maybe she has, idk. i haven't checked in on her in a while, and she has a million accounts here and there on places like deviantart.

let's see what i can remember, because there's quite a bit.

- she'll shamelessly snatch something and make it really weird. like she'll appropriate an established cartoon character from 2004 and make fake magazine scans that look like an obscure japanese comic with fancharacters inserted, and claim it's from the 80's and actually exists. what a weird thing i just typed. whatever.

- DON'T EVER MENTION WOLVES OR ROOSTERS OR POLICE OR ____ AROUND HER EVER. don't mention a whole ton of things around her. the list is looooong. but somewhere she briefly mentioned that the reason she doesn't want people to bring those things up is because apparently just the mere mention of, for example, wolves, will trigger a loop of high-pitched howling. same for roosters - the sound of a rooster crowing will play in a loop in her head until she says "suckersss" and makes a fist. oh, don't post pictures of floppy-eared dogs, either. i wonder how she feels about pointy-eared dogs? are they just like wolves?? what about earless dogs?? hmm. presumably the mention of the po-po triggers a looping siren.
-- i'll bet i forgot a whole ton of things here.

- she ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT DO PORN!!! NO PORN!!! but she will draw scat, vomiting, inflation, weight gain, and general cartoon pedo stuff. in fact her favorite fetishes are vomiting and inflation. what a great combo. also, no swearing around her.

- she goes around begging for fetish art, and then she makes knockoffs of them.

- you never know where she might pop up.

- she likes memes. a lot.

- she likes acting weird a lot. apparently she roleplays in comments. a lot.

i feel like i forgot a whole ton of things. anyway, she's certainly one of the stranger people i've encountered on the internet.


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## ASoulMan (Jul 24, 2014)

I remember watching the antics of a TRUE and HONEST Sonic fan from DeviantART long ago that went by the name of Nicochi (EpicKnightofJustice as he was later called). Here's a link for his ED page:

https://encyclopediadramatica.es/Nicochi

If there is all you really need to know about this lolcow is:

- He's a white guy who apparently lives in Japan. He was also a pretty good artist. He also claimed that he was a teacher.

- He hated Sonic's modern (pre-Boom) design with a burning passion, along with all the games from Sonic Adventure onward. He did have legitimate complaints about the gameplay mechanics, but he was known for his irrational criticism for Modern Sonic (which isn't too much of a drastic change IMO). This wasn't just for Sonic, but for other characters as well (He hated Turtles Forever, with one of the complaints being the 2003 Turtles).

- He called anyone who disagreed with his points sonicfags, including those who liked the classics.

- One of his complaints for Sonic Generations was that you had to play as Modern Sonic.

- Nico actually thought that Classic Sonic was in Generations because Sega actually listened to him, not because it was the 20th anniversary of Sonic. Yeah, like Sega would actually listen to some sperg on DeviantART.

- As you can see already, Nicochi had a huge yet fragile ego. He always claimed everyone that called him out was "butthurt" yet he blocked anybody who dared to have a different viewpoint than him, and constantly talked about THOSE DARN MODERNFAGGOTS nearly 24/7 in his comments section. He also had a habit of playing the victim.

- Nico was friends with Richard Kuta AKA Sonmaniac (The diaperfur who made the infamous Sonic 4 video). When someone on another forum criticized Sonmaniac, he went white knight and tried to defend him, while hurling insults at the OP. Years later, NicochiXSonmaniac was no more, as even Kuta couldn't handle Nico's unwarranted self importance.

- You can pretty much tell that this guy was just an ass to most people. He apparently made pictures that bashed beliefs like Christianity and Islam when he first joined DeviantART. He also insulted somebody over Sheik's gender. During his drama with another user named Aerobian-Angel, he insulted one of his friends for having dead parents. He also made a fake account of Aerobian-Angel as well.

- The real kicker though is this: It was found out that he supported lolicon (explains his love for Classic Sonic). He even made various Rule 34 pictures, one of them being a lolicon comic of the villagers of Kakariko Village from Ocarina of Time (see article, if you dare). When ED showed this information to the world in 2011, Nico hightailed it out of DA for good (He went to a sockpuppet account called Anon947, but he made his presence painfully obvious). It was funny really; he wanted an article of himself in the first place because of his ego. Too bad he couldn't take it when it happened. My guess was that he didn't expect ED to call him out on his pedophilia. He did try to argue on his page, but like every lolcow that went onto ED, he only made more of a fool out of himself.

He dwelled on a "critque" forum AKA an internet hugbox made by his friends shortly after his exodus from DA (so he and his friends can continue complaining about Sonic's design, act like their opinions are fact, etc), but faded into obscurity after some time after that. Nicochi was never heard from again after the ED article was put up.

I'd imagine he would SPERG over the Sonic Boom designs, but too bad he's no longer around. It would have been hilarious.


----------



## darkhorse816 (Jul 25, 2014)

ASoulMan said:


> He also insulted somebody over Sheik's gender.



(asks menacingly) 
_What did he say about Sheik?_


----------



## ASoulMan (Jul 25, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:


> (asks menacingly)
> _What did he say about Sheik?_


What he said has unfortunately been lost to time. There was a link to a screencap via the discussion page, but it looks like it died after ED went down. I don't even remember what he said.


----------



## littlebiscuits (Jul 26, 2014)

So I have this friend from high school  who fancies himself a drag queen make up guru and the next RuPaul, actually better than the next RuPaul. He was my friend since kindergarten and I kinda feel bad that he's become such an unbelievable, uncontrollable lolcow in the Drag community.

Before we get started with this harrowing tale, let me show you some pictures. You really need visual context for this.


Spoiler: Lip-liner WARNING





















So, um, clearly not the next RuPaul. Fun story about lip-liner for all you lads out there. It goes on your mouth, not your eyes.

For the purposes of this story, I'm going to call this fellow, "GiGi". That's his drag name. Also, as a disclaimer, I have no problem with drag or drag shows at all. Just a relevant detail.

So GiGi and I have been buddies since Kindergarten, but it was always kind of a strained relationship. GiGi was rather spoiled at home, and could be a very bossy, demanding child. That's not honestly not unusual behavior for a five year old, but it only became worse as he got older.
    As a teenager, Gigi was absolutely obnoxious. He stole, he lied, he cheated at school and blamed others for it.  He actually got one boy expelled from school by plagiarizing his essay and then claiming the other boy was the cheater. He also stole 200 dollars out of my mother's purse so he could buy a Wii and a few games. He was honestly confused when I confronted him about it. The conversation went something like this:
     Me: "So, you uh, got a Wii."
     Gigi : "Oh my God, it's so awesome! Like, you've got to try Twilight Princess, it's just-"
     Me: "Dude, you stole that money from my mom."
     Gigi: "Your mom is cool, she's totally my favorite teacher. She would have bought it for me anyway."
     Me: "Are you actually kidding? You're not her child."
     Gigi: "Don't be such a bitch, God! What's wrong with you? She buys me stuff all the time."
     Me: "She bought you an ice-pop the other day. An ICE-POP! Not a Wii!"
     Gigi: "So?"


So yeah, some entitlement issues. Eventually his Dad paid my mother back, but it was still pretty infuriating. Gigi got to keep his Wii of course.  Around this same time Gigi began getting interested in make-up and fashion design. I believe his actual career plan -in this order- was:

1. get on _Project Run-Way _, a popular fashion design competition show.
2. Learn to sew and construct garments.
3. Become on of the the top three contestants, but quit the show so he doesn't have to deal with the pressure of the final round.
4. Show his line at Bryant Park Fashion Week (one of the most prestigious fashion events in the world) anyway.
5. Become a famous designer.

He planned to accomplish all of this within a year. It didn't happen, but he tried, going so far as to steal a sewing machine from his former best friend's (the one that he got expelled) sister. He actually broke into her room in the dead of night and stole it. She did get it back, eventually, but he had broken the threading foot.

His drag queen phase didn't come as a surprise. He had always loved make up, and when he and I were children, we loved putting on my mother's make up and pretending to be "Fancy Girls". However, he doesn't understand how to use make-up at all. He'll use eyeliner as lip-liner, and mascara as eyeliner. Nevertheless, he claims to be an absolute expert at make-up and will "advise" anyone and everyone he sees who is wearing any.

He is also a fruitiarian, claims to only live on fruit, because apparently vegetables have feelings and anyone who eats salad is a MURDERER. Hilariously, he hates fruit and I catch him eating fast food burgers all the time. The last time I to dairy queen I bumped into him.
   He was sitting by himself, in full drag, at a picnic table eating a simply massive cheese burger with  an Orange Julius.


  "Gigi!", I called, savoring the look of absolute horror on his face, " Long time no see! It's a nice day isn't it? Mind if I join you?"
" Oh no, that's fine- yeah, long time no see!" We were both staring at his burger. The last time we had spoken was through facebook, where he had linked a bunch of PETA articles into my inbox after I had posted a status about making chicken soup.
"That looks good! Maybe I'll get one!" I said merrily.
"Yeah, well, I don't know, my doctor just told me I had to gain weight so...you know."
"That makes sense. I guess fruit is pretty low-cal, huh?"
"Yeah it's pretty great. You don't have to worry about going to the gym as much, you can just be naturally healthy." He sipped his Orange Julius a little more. An uncomfortable silence passed. "Please don't tell anyone I had a burger," he begged after a while. He offered to buy my silence with ice cream, but then commented that the dairy products would probably make me fat, so I decided I had had enough Gigi for one day and left.


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## darkhorse816 (Jul 26, 2014)

Yay, another littlebiscuits story!


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## littlebiscuits (Jul 26, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:


> Yay, another littlebiscuits story!



with pictures this time!


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 26, 2014)

darkhorse816 said:


> Yay, another littlebiscuits story!


Great one as always. While I love drag queens, god, he makes a terrible one.

I remember my one of my driving instructors who had major AIDS paranoia. Even though it was the mid-late 90's at the time, she still believed in some of the fearful rumors of the past like you could get it from toilet seats, water faucets and water fountains. It got to the point that she even made her kids take bottled water with them when they are out of the house since since didn't want them getting sick. Otherwise, she was a decent lady.


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## Jazafras (Jul 26, 2014)

So there's this girl (I'll call her Alicia) on deviantART that me and a couple of friends like to check on regularly just to get a dose of some of her lolcow-ness. We all used to be friends with her when we participated in an art tournament together, and the tournament was a nice way for all of us to get some really constructive feedback on our art and storytelling and not the hugbox-type comments that are typical on dA. Except Alicia does not take criticism well. At all. And recently she posted a journal that stated this, and I'm just shaking my head:


Spoiler






> *Yes, I do willingly accept criticism.*
> Sometimes, I do not answer critical comments, but I read all messages that arrive in my inbox. Whenever I can, I attempt to learn from the criticisms I receive. However, there are certain pieces that I don't want criticism on, as indicated in the artist's comments. Otherwise, I do not shun or overreact to criticism, as people have said I do. I don't like to have my literature criticized, but I will not attack someone who criticizes it.






Let me tell you how she reacted to my criticism after she lost in this art tournament we were in.
As soon as the results were posted and she saw that she lost, she immediately stormed out of the chatroom we were in and refused to respond to anyone for a day. When she came back online, she accused everyone of being mean to her and for poking fun at her mental condition. The character she used in this tournament was an obvious self-insert that shared her username, and in this particular round in the tournament her character suddenly developed multiple personality disorder (and I think schizophrenia?) out of no where, which Alicia claimed to also suffer from. However, we later figured out that she only said she had these mental disorders based on _online quizzes _she took. She has never been clinically diagnosed with them. I did some research on both of these disorders before I wrote my critique, and the way she portrayed them in her story were incredibly inaccurate, so I called her out on it. We were still cool with her at the time, so I tried not to sound harsh and wrote my critique as nice as possible without ass-patting, but nope, she still took it as an attack.

In the following days we were legitimately worried she would try to hurt herself  or commit suicide because of how she responded to the loss and criticism. We tried reaching out to her and suggested that she visit a doctor or a therapist about the voices she claimed to hear in her head, which she said were angry at her for losing. She either ignored us or passively acknowledged our attempts to help before shrugging it off and continuing to complain about how she felt, since that seemed to be working in garnering her more attention. She was also incredibly hostile and passive aggressive towards the tournament judges and to the opponent that she lost to.

All of this occurred two years ago, and she still writes journals about the whole incident because she cannot. let it. go. Of course, she twists the truth a bit more with each journal entry, making herself out to be the abused victim in the situation while we were the mean bad guys who only wanted to hurt her. Recently she blocked most of us (and then proceeded to complain that she was losing watchers, probably unaware that blocking people also removed them as your watchers), though we didn't care that much since we don't talk to her or leave comments anymore. However, what prompted her to write the most recent journal that I quoted was because she has a widget that tracks the users who visit her page, and she saw one of us looking at her profile. She wrote a journal to clarify "If I have blocked you, there are two possible reasons why. You either bullied or trolled me and caused me to block you, or you are the personal friend of someone I want to avoid," and "*I am not a rude, unkind, or hostile person.* I am friendly and willingly answer all messages I receive," and then claims she is willing to talk it out with the people who she has offended.

But we've already tried talking things out and she completely ignored us, and even if we did want to try again, we can't because we're blocked. And this is because she's still bitter over a silly online competition.


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 26, 2014)

There was this guy that hung out at this local gaming store I frequented before it closed down. At first he seemed ok, just a bit odd and cynical. Eventually, he started talking about mystical encounters he had like psychically wrestling with his own personal demons. (He claimed that's where he got a scar on his stomach.) Given that being a gaming geek can leave one at least a little eccentric, we put up with it. Over time, I kept getting this creepy, dark feeling from him like it was choking me. 

Even more so when we started playing a campaign at his house after the store closed. Over time, he started revealing more and more about mystical conspiracies like how the apocalypse will come (he planned to be dead on December 12, 2012) and will bring a new age of magic and mystical creatures, that there are people who show signs of becoming one (there were a few in existence). He even began offering meditation lessons two of my friends. On the way of driving us home, he started mentioning the true origins of werewolves when I realized this was exactly the main plot of Werewolf: The Forsaken. When I pointed that out, he claimed that a lot of those games are created by (or inspired by) people who are the real thing. 

We stopped seeing him after that, but the creepiest thing was that after he dropped off the others, he told me that he could see that I sensed something about him. Then said that he knew about the darkness he had and that it was bothering me. Thankfully, he never contacted any of us ever again and kept to himself.


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## Total Dingus (Jul 27, 2014)

Inspired by Yaoi's story:

One of my best friends in elementary school was a guy named J. Dude seemed pretty normal, but had a penchant for telling really weird, bizarre lies at a young age - like how him and his brother built a rocket in the backyard and flew up in the sky until it exploded and they came down in parachutes, or how his scrotum became HUGE because he had to pee so bad and that's where he stored his urine... but that aside...

We were friends through HS. We were both art dorks and liked goth stuff, so we kinda traveled in the same circles. It was around this time that I'd broken up with my first girlfriend and he immediately snatched her up. (She's another story entirely - locked up in a mental hospital, was convinced she was a princess from a story she liked, became heavily medicated, etc.) We didn't really see eye to eye for a while after that, but that's when he started getting really strange. Somehow, he developed a "following" of other disenchanted kids from my weird rural school. He'd take a chair and put it in the middle of one of the huge art tables and sit there saying really bizarre stuff about God and the devil and his own kind of weird, desolate spirituality. I kinda just ignored the whole thing and assumed it was a big joke; some kind of mocking organized religion or something like that. He was desperate to be subversive, so I didn't really interfere with his thing.

Him and my ex broke up, and we got back together because young love is fucking stupid. My ex, who was clinically insane even if I didn't see it at the time, started to be convinced that J had raped her. By all accounts, it seemed to be just begging and whining and psychological manipulation of an obviously mentally vulnerable person, but I wasn't there. She called his parents and told them her weird story. And that's when the cracks in J started to really show. After that, we didn't talk for years. We ran into one another at a wedding, but that was it.

Flash forward a few (6? 7?) years, and he comes into my workplace, asking to see me after work. He didn't call or anything, just showed up and wouldn't talk about what was going on, just to meet him. I agree, because why not? We meet in the parking lot of a local bookstore.

He opens up the trunk of his car and takes out a copious amount of file folders, while he starts telling me that government agents are after him. They've implanted a chip in his head, and he has x-rays to prove it. He shows me the x-rays, which are ambiguous at best, which show what's probably just a weird bone chip floating around near his jaw. He gives me this long, repeating inquisition about if anyone's come around asking for him, or about him. I'm not sure what to say - do I say YES and play into this thing, or NO, and have him think I'm an enemy agent and come under scrutiny myself? Bear in mind that I don't know if this guy's gone far enough off the reservation to hurt people.

He also tells me that he had some work in an art show which was taken down because the people watching him thought that it revealed too much about their agenda. The truth is probably that he was intentionally trying to be offensive in a show which didn't really have time for that shit. The show's organizer apparently refused to "tell him the truth", and people took him into a room to question him. He blacks out, and comes to god knows how long later and the people around him are telling him to be careful. Why? Just be careful, J. We can't say anything, but be careful.

As such, he doesn't have any social media profiles and lives a very off-the-grid existence. I was happy to find out that he now has a girlfriend and was still a relatively functioning member of society. But I'll never forget that night in the parking lot. I get updates through friends braver than I.

The story of my insane ex is for another day.


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## Cure Quanta (Jul 27, 2014)

Personal lolcows...hmm, as far as personal experiences go, there was this guy that Pretty Cure fans such as yours truly like to refer to as the Emma Watson Creeper Guy in order to protect the innocent and to avoid the stupid drama that is him paying anybody who namedrops him and doesn't offer mindless praise in the same stupid breath a visit.

PreCure is super-easy to write OCs and fanseries for: just make up a bunch of girls with some theme to their team, have them become really good friends, punch all the things and be awesome. Nobody told this guy though, who loves to stuff his stories full of the following, in no particular order:


Spoiler: The List Of Offenses




Dark, lolsoedgy content because in his mind more darker=more better
An obsession with Emma Watson playing his personal Mary Sue/self-insert characters
A trap fetish, and the belief that Rupert Grint is the ideal trap (Yes, why don't we all imagine Grint wearing a skirt in anything that isn't sketch comedy)
An aversion to girliness, which is bizarre if you're making fiction in one of the girliest magical girl franchises I know, and so his Sues/SIs are all vulgar, alpha-as-fuck tomboys
Eye-watering levels of racism, plagiarism, and pollution of his writing with pop culture references, many of them unfunny or just plain wrong
An ego inflated from merely being at this PreCure fanseries writing thing way longer than most people he meets, despite his stories running the gamut from "entirely unreadable" to "almost entirely unreadable"
A penchant for drama when people call him out on his shit, like any good lolcow
Just the right combination of being prolific and whiny, and loves to do the Sonichu thing of casting people who call him out suddenly becoming bad guys in his stories
The ability to pay just enough lip service to people who call him out to go right back to doing what he always does and stuffing all of the above in fanseries pitch after fanseries pitch, which are all on TV Tropes articles and numerous wikis all written by him, despite maybe 10% of these series he's supposedly written actually existing outside these places, and that 10% making you wish it was more like 0%



His crowning achievement was taking up more than 930 posts to get everybody on a Pretty Cure writing forum so fed up with his antics that he drove almost everybody off, before presumably going stir-crazy and ranting and raving about all the stuff he caused that other people tried to stop, how he was really the victim years after everybody else involved stopped caring, all that jazz, just enough to get people to try to shut him up again.

Oh, yeah, and that he was creating yet another fanseries stuffed to the gills with all his kinks and signatures and if people would mind telling him what he could do to improve it.

Here's where I came in. Because I'm stupid, I thought that since he'd never heard of me before, he wouldn't devolve into screaming rants and arguments, and thus that I would succeed where others failed by being cool-headed and logical.

What ensued instead was almost 250 posts over what I think might have been two or three months, most of them big textwalls written by me in two separate threads of me trying to argue the simple points that the trap thing was pointless and in fact kind of creepy, and that his other characters were basically bland mixtures of canon Cures, nowhere near the genius creations he held them up as. Two other posters had to come to my aid to try to hammer these things home, and we all failed as he kept trying to change the subject or conveniently ignored points in our criticism that might interfere with his fetishes or supposed genius. Even then the guy couldn't fathom that we all lost patience with him due to his stubbornness and tried to make it about his stress levels making him crash into slumber, and I quit. That guy is somebody else's problem now.

His percentage of posts on that forum, at last count, is 27% and climbing.


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## Jewelsmakerguy (Jul 27, 2014)

Cure Quanta said:


> Personal lolcows...hmm, as far as personal experiences go, there was this guy that Pretty Cure fans such as yours truly like to refer to as the Emma Watson Creeper Guy in order to protect the innocent and to avoid the stupid drama that is him paying anybody who namedrops him and doesn't offer mindless praise in the same stupid breath a visit.
> 
> PreCure is super-easy to write OCs and fanseries for: just make up a bunch of girls with some theme to their team, have them become really good friends, punch all the things and be awesome. Nobody told this guy though, who loves to stuff his stories full of the following, in no particular order:
> 
> ...


Wow, I'm surprised he never got his ass kicked off that site yet. All things considering.


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## Cure Quanta (Jul 27, 2014)

Jewelsmakerguy said:


> Wow, I'm surprised he never got his ass kicked off that site yet. All things considering.



One of the other people who was driven away by him basically said the forum admins were at fault, since they alternated between not being there to look after the forum and being amused by the drama. But you're right; if the staff were more level-headed maybe things might not have gone that far.

...o-or maybe they might have, considering this guy's personality.


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## Jewelsmakerguy (Jul 27, 2014)

Cure Quanta said:


> One of the other people who was driven away by him basically said the forum admins were at fault, since they alternated between not being there to look after the forum and being amused by the drama. But you're right; if the staff were more level-headed maybe things might not have gone that far.
> 
> ...o-or maybe they might have, considering this guy's personality.


Either way, he really should have been, oh... nipped in the bud, for lack of a better term.


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## CatParty (Jul 27, 2014)

"i knew a fat weeb in school lol he smelt weird" or something


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## Mauvman Shuffleboard (Jul 27, 2014)

Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

Drake


Spoiler: He wanted candy



There comes a time in every man's life where you must decide how you're going to assassinate your foster parents. You've done it, I've done it, but most importantly Drake has done it. At the time he was known by whatever name I gave to the kid that threw a sock at the Bart Simpson lamp and pissed in the basement (but was not that kid) and was most notable for having a weird haircut and making a guitar out of twine and Styrofoam. Everything changed when the fire nation attacked he concocted his master plan.

Step 1) Hire local thug to kill parents
Step 2) Change name to Drake
Step 3) Launch Singing Career
Step 4) (In the words of his brother) Get the government to pay for his titty pills
Step 5) Success

Unsurprisingly, his plan failed in the odd numbered steps for several reasons. The assassination failed because he hired his neighbor instead of a hitman, and paid him twenty dollars to do it. The singing career failed because Drake sang about as well as Chris. The success wasn't achieved because his parents are still alive and he doesn't have a singing career, but (s)he might have tits now. I'm not really too clear on what happened regarding that.



His name was Ass, Dumb Ass.


Spoiler: Also known as Deuce



I'm going to call him Deuce because I find it a very fitting name for him, but his nickname was and still legitimately is "Dumbass" (though briefly it was shitass). There are two things you should know about Deuce, he was a dumbass and always had to shit. Here are some classic Deuce moments

The time he attempted 12/25 questions on a multiple choice test and thought he did a pretty good job.
The many times he arrived at work and immediately used their bathroom for the next hour to take his 2nd daily shit.
The time he needed to take 7 classes to graduate and registered for six.
The time he graduated highschool because his grandparents conveniently died before the start of the exam periods both semesters of Grade 12 allowing him to be considered exempt.
The several times he casually watched porn while hanging out in (I FORGET WHAT I CALL THIS GUY, HE HAD THE SIMPSONS LAMP AND I'M NOT BOTHERING TO CHECK)'s basement, not jacking off or anything, just watching it for the plot I guess.
The time he took 7 shits at school in one day and missed all of his classes
Something about a forklift and a bunch of ice, it was stupid though, probably.



Assorted Gingers


Spoiler: Is two considered an assortment?



Much like Happy Meal toys, there are two kinds of gingers. The shitty ones and the shifty ones. Here are their stories.

Shitty Ginger

Why did the sweater cross the road? To get off this fucker's torso. Shitty G was large in stature but not in spirit for he was a lifeless, paleskinned, red-haired husk of a man. And the husk was filled with musk or something because he fucking stank. Though he had no will of his own (or a change of clothes for that matter), doing nothing and speaking very little I mention him for one good reason. One time he was given twenty dollars to kill some dude's parents, and so he concocted a masterful plan.

Step 1) Receive $20
Step 2) Profit

Shifty Ginger

Why did the sweater cross the road? To get off the other guy's torso, I just told this one, you gotta keep up. Anyway, Shifty G was always considered "the bad kid" because he burnt stuff, stabbed stuff, showed no signs of human compassion and all that jazz. But that's not funny.

My favorite thing this dude ever did was the time he harnessed the powers of apathy to give no shits about the robo-babby. At our school every year the kids in grade 9 had to take home these robo-babby things that cried until you stabbed them in the back with a key and twisted it there for long enough, they also got whiplash or something because their heads were all woobly. I had a black one which is gay and unrealistic because there were more black babbies than black people in the class (which was 0 because racial diversity is for communists).

Enough about that shit though, the important thing is how when he received his robo-babby his immediate reaction was to yell "Shitty G, go long!" and play Tommy Wiseau football with it. When asked to stop playing catch he finished with a touchdown, and when he brought it home he stuffed it in the freezer for a weekend.

On a wildly unrelated note, I think he's a drug dealer now and his apartment got robbed by some gangsters or something. Unlike his brother, Shifty Ginger hired actual hitmen for greater than $20.



JCrowley, First Contact.


Spoiler: This isn't even really a story



About 7 years ago I was playing Runescape and there was this asshole. I don't remember much about him other than that I didn't like him and I kicked his ass, and that his name was Jcrowley1985. Not really much of a story, but just a bit interesting considering his later antics on the forum. Just goes to show how strange people are drawn to me I suppose.



Added Bonus for Super Fans


Spoiler: Can you decode the secret transmission?



Only Mauvman Shuffleboard premium superfans are entitled to this added bonus. PM me the secret code to receive your bonus prize.




Edit: Here's the links to previous installments for my personal convenience in the future. Just let me slam the keyword Personal Lolcow right here conspicuously.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6


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## RequiredName (Jul 29, 2014)

Ugly anorexic redneck kid across the street. Years ago it was his dad screaming at him, then silence with a few intermittent cop visits to their house here and there. Nowadays he has this morbidly obese girlfriend who parks along the narrow street, forcing trucks and buses to weave back and forth (and blocking cars from exiting their driveways). Now he dresses like an aspiring Fashion Fail douchebag, replete with emo-black wife beaters, and has been seen on multiple occasions with long dark socks and long black boxer shorts. My god, this is a northern state suburb, not an Alabama trailer park, and what he considers fashion went out ten years ago.

Also from the same household, they hit their garage with cars a lot, whether it's the kid's girlfriend, or the father's redneck friends. I get the feeling they may be wrestling fans.


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## Captain Lhurgoyf (Jul 29, 2014)

So I used to roleplay on the MS Paint Adventures forums because I was into the fantroll community (I'll note that I'm not a Homestuck, and in fact strongly dislike them, but I do find all the worldbuilding they put into the trolls fascinating and got into that scene). They used to have a "cafe" thread there where people could randomly drop in and RP their characters with other people. It was all really fun, until it gradually got taken over by douchebags.

After a while the mods started being actively hostile towards the RPers there and started raising shit-fits because they didn't like the trolls that some people were playing. A lot of times this was because they contradicted their fanon ideas of what trolls were like, regardless of whether or not this was backed up by canon. They started up a blog to bash the characters of people who used their thread (keep in mind these were the moderators). Eventually they made it so that you couldn't post in the thread unless you submitted your troll to the mods and they thought it was "good" enough (even though the entire point of this thread was that it was supposed to be a casual RP with no applications). That was the point that I finally quit, but honestly, looking back, I'm surprised that I stuck around as long as I did because the people running the thing were absolutely insane.

A brief list of things they thought were unforgivable in a character (some of these may not make any sense to those unfamiliar with Homestuck, but trust me, they're frickin' idiotic reasons to keep someone out):

Trolls with snake themes (thought they were overdone and all the same)
Subjugglators (thought they were all the same and invariably Gamzee ripoffs no matter how well they were written individually)
Trolls who weren't assholes (thought they were "not real trolls" and "grey humans". I do acknowledge that many of the trolls we see in canon ARE assholes, but the comic makes it clear that this is far from universal)
Anonblood seadwellers (in one case I actually saw one of the mods kill off a user's anonblood seadweller. Just because they thought the concept was overdone. Mind you, the user in question agreed to this, but in other cases they killed other people's characters without permission)
Female trolls with large breasts (thought they were automatically vapid, personalityless fanservice bimbos regardless of how they were actually played)
Sprites that were well-drawn (thought that people were showing off if their art was too good or that it "didn't fit the style")
Sprites that came from a generator on dA (this may admittedly be fair, but many of them didn't even look that bad)
Last I checked the thread they had also put in a rule saying that trolls couldn't talk to trolls of different castes because "trolls wouldn't do that" (despite the fact that they often do in the comic), which frankly makes it almost impossible to actually RP. This was long after I left, though.

One last note: At one point I brought it up that my character was the troll equivalent of Jewish. I will establish that I had decided this for quite some time now, it just hadn't come up in the RP, and that the author of the comic did allude to it being something that existed before. The admin of the thread - not a mod, not some random retard, but the admin - messaged me saying that he was offended because my character "didn't act like a Jew". Yeah, that was something that happened.

EDIT: Oh, I nearly forgot! The aforementioned troll ended up on that blog because someone thought that I had copied another user's troll just because they looked similar. I created said troll before I even knew of the cafe thread's existence, no less that of the troll everyone thought I had stolen.


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## Kamen Rider Black RX (Jul 30, 2014)

TV-Nihon, a prominent toku fansubbing group, has a lot of problems. Sometimes their subs inaccurate (Kamen Rider Blade is, according to a professional translator, only about 70% accurate), they leave Japanese words untranslated, they use Japanese sayings with a note about their meaning (which means you have to pause the video and read a note to understand what is being said), they ban people for voicing complaints on their forums, their quality checkers are expected to be yes-men (in the words of someone who did quality control), their subs take about a week while other groups can have them out in days, they bullied smaller sub groups into quitting, poorer video quality, ugly graphics and fonts used to add flavor to the series, their 1:1 translation leaves much to be desired in terms of characterization...

You get the idea. The fact still remains that a huge chunk of sentai and Kamen Rider have only been completely subbed by TV-Nihon. I've personally enjoyed a few of their projects in spite of flaws. It's not TV-Nihon I want to talk about.

It's the zealots that white-knight TV-Nihon. 

See, for the above reasons the fan community has issue with TV-N and their practices. There's been people calling them out, a tumblr pointing out problems, even one of TV-N's translators left to find his own subbing group. Naturally, some TV-N fans get upset with this. And naturally, some sperg in their defense. Here's some of the shit I've seen.

"Leaving words in Japanese helps me learn Japanese."
"Other groups have problems and yet you don't go after them."
"TV-N releases the material right the first time. They don't need V2s."
"Those graphics enhance my enjoyment of the series."
"My friend who speaks/is Japanese says TV-N's closer to how the Japanese talk."
"Don't like? Don't watch."
"Localization is bad" (This refers to the process of changing what is being while keeping the meaning. Like substituting a Japanese expression for an English one. This is done for various reasons, such as keeping with the spirit of the work or for the benefit of the more general audience. However, this has lead to some issues when groups are a bit liberal. 

For instance, in Kyoryuger there are these cyborg Dinosaurs called Zyudenryu in Japanese. This translates as "Electric Beast Dragon." TV-N left Zyudenryu intact while the other major subbing group localized it as Voltasaur. Some people HATE this)
"Why would someone watch a Japanese show if they didn't want to learn Japanese?"

You get the idea.


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## ASoulMan (Jul 30, 2014)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> TV-Nihon, a prominent toku fansubbing group, has a lot of problems. Sometimes their subs inaccurate (Kamen Rider Blade is, according to a professional translator, only about 70% accurate), they leave Japanese words untranslated, they use Japanese sayings with a note about their meaning (which means you have to pause the video and read a note to understand what is being said), they ban people for voicing complaints on their forums, their quality checkers are expected to be yes-men (in the words of someone who did quality control), their subs take about a week while other groups can have them out in days, they bullied smaller sub groups into quitting, poorer video quality, ugly graphics and fonts used to add flavor to the series, their 1:1 translation leaves much to be desired in terms of characterization...
> 
> You get the idea. The fact still remains that a huge chunk of sentai and Kamen Rider have only been completely subbed by TV-Nihon. I've personally enjoyed a few of their projects in spite of flaws. It's not TV-Nihon I want to talk about.
> 
> ...



Who care's if something gets localized? I'd like to understand what the characters are saying than have a bunch of Japanese terms get thrown around (plus Electric Beast Dragon sounds awesome IMO).

Don't they also add in swear words and the like to make the shows sound cooler too? I heard somewhere that apparently the characters in Super Sentai and Kamen Rider don't actually swear at all. I could be wrong though.


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## Kamen Rider Black RX (Jul 30, 2014)

Kinda. 

You see, there are no swear words in Japanese. There's different TONES, but not actual swear words. TVN(and other sub groups, mostly anime ones) takes a word that could easily be translated as "jerk" and makes it "bastard" instead. So yeah, a lot of subbers at swears when they don't have to.

And when it comes to _our_ swear words, they're seen as exotic foreign words even in kids shows. Kinda like how Himura in Eyeshield 21 referred to people as "fucking (nickname)." In Kakuranger, Ninja Black said "dammit" in English (mostly because they hired a Japanese-American who couldn't speak Japanese). Stag Buster said "oh shit" in English. In Kamen Rider 555, they had an uncut Busta Rhymes (Jump Jump)


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## ASoulMan (Jul 30, 2014)

Ah, I see now. That makes sense then.


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## darkhorse816 (Jul 31, 2014)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> Kinda.
> 
> You see, there are no swear words in Japanese. There's different TONES, but not actual swear words. TVN(and other sub groups, mostly anime ones) takes a word that could easily be translated as "jerk" and makes it "bastard" instead. So yeah, a lot of subbers at swears when they don't have to.
> 
> And when it comes to _our_ swear words, they're seen as exotic foreign words even in kids shows. Kinda like how Himura in Eyeshield 21 referred to people as "fucking (nickname)." In Kakuranger, Ninja Black said "dammit" in English (mostly because they hired a Japanese-American who couldn't speak Japanese). Stag Buster said "oh shit" in English. In Kamen Rider 555, they had an uncut Busta Rhymes (Jump Jump)



Gao Yellow said "Godu damu." He's still one of my favorite characters.


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Jul 31, 2014)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> Kinda.
> 
> You see, there are no swear words in Japanese. There's different TONES, but not actual swear words. TVN(and other sub groups, mostly anime ones) takes a word that could easily be translated as "jerk" and makes it "bastard" instead. So yeah, a lot of subbers at swears when they don't have to.



Thanks, that's really interesting.


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## RP 520 (Jul 31, 2014)

So there was an idiot at my college a few years back who was being accused of assaulting some girl he was at a party with. What does he do? He calls in a fake shooting hoax and puts our college on lock down with the SWAT arriving and searching room to room. His reason? So he would be hailed as the hero and show that he's a good person that would never harm a woman.

http://articles.wdbj7.com/2013-01-28/martinsville-man_36533479


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## Iä! Iä! (Aug 1, 2014)

Infallible logic.


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## kagayaki (Aug 1, 2014)

EleSigma said:


> So there was an idiot at my college a few years back who was being accused of assaulting some girl he was at a party with. What does he do? He calls in a fake shooting hoax and puts our college on lock down with the SWAT arriving and searching room to room. His reason? So he would be hailed as the hero and show that he's a good person that would never harm a woman.
> 
> http://articles.wdbj7.com/2013-01-28/martinsville-man_36533479



He isn't actually a hero but rather an attention-seeking jerk for that foolish act.


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## LaptopGeek (Aug 1, 2014)

There is this LOLcow that I have known for a long time. She is stupidly paranoid that if her friends and family go OOC, she sees the worst them, thinking they are depressed or dead, it gets out of hand, I think they avoid her deliberately as a result.


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## Jewelsmakerguy (Aug 3, 2014)

Now I know that most of you have heard about Project AFTER (and more so due to Yaoi Huntress Earth's presence on this site).  I'm also sure some of you may have known that some of the member have their own podcast called "The Other Side". Now you might be wondering what this has to do with me (or not, I don't really care), Well you see, back when they did their episode on Kill la Kill (a series I have a love/hate relationship with), I posted a comment voicing my opinion about the show and how I didn't like it. For those wondering where I'm heading with this, here's the link to the episode: http://anime3000.com/krap-la-krap-the-other-side/.

If you're wondering _why_ there's a huge-ass comment section on that one episode, here's why, or at least part of the reason why: This guy named Devin Wolfe, who seems to have a vendetta against those who insult the show or himself. Now where do I fit into all of this you might be asking? Well I posted a comment (under the name Normality) just talking about my views on what I saw of the series. Unfortunately, this led into a comment war not only between Devin and I between the animation (which is average at best, and substandard Flash-type animation at worst), but between him and literally almost everyone else in the comments. And not once did he even back up his opinions on _why_ he liked the show in the first place (Which got me a little more than just angry). Instead posting stuff like:



Spoiler: To a user talking about the show's humor






> You do or you appear to not know what you are talking about.If you can't laugh at the humor in Kill la Kill you are possibly humorless. The animation is fine nothing wrong with it. If Anime Southpark(Inferno Cop) is "good" then Kill la Kill should be excellent. The fanservice is part of the plot. There is an underlying theme about why she is the way she is.





or


Spoiler: To me



About my views about the animation and his _"Opinions"_:


> "This show's perfect and anyone who says otherwise is wrong"
> 
> I never said it was perfect and I never said you where wrong I just said you where stating your opinion as if it was the only way the world is.
> 
> ...



And after I told him that I watched the series, somehow bringing up streaming videos into the discussion:


> "I've seen the show, I have tastes, and I happen to be an animation buff (Tweening and noticeably choppy movements do not make good animation). Also, you may not think the characters look off, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one when I say that Satsuki's eyebrows need to be trimmed."
> 
> You might notice things like that when you're streaming the anime where as myself I download a torrent and watch it with VLC also different characters have different characteristics.



My stuff is in the quotation marks by the way.



Unsurprisingly, after all that, he resorted to just dropping insults (poor ones at that):


Spoiler: To one of the hosts. Apparently not understanding the humorous nature of the comment






> "Devin just wants me in the worst way."
> 
> Not really not very into walking skeletons.
> 
> ...






Not even sure I _can_ call the above a failed insult. But long story short, the dude gained the ire/annoyance of the entire comments section (or at least the sane ones, there was a few others backing him up). Oh, and one last thing, part of that comment war between him and I? That stemmed from when he didn't realize, that a nude silhouette is still a nude silhouette. No matter how you do it.

One final note I forgot to bring up initially, he's still acting like a moron in the comment sections of other episodes.


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## The Mountain (Aug 3, 2014)

So, would the majority of people featured on Cops qualify? That show is a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine because, well... good lord do police run into crazy on a regular basis. One I'll never forget was this enraged hambeast of a woman that claimed the reek of drugs on her was from a Snickers bar she'd eaten.

However, my favorite are the ones who go for the "these aren't even my pants" excuse when police find something on them. I mean, maybe _I'm_ the weird one for not sharing my pants with people, but I doubt it.


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## Varis (Aug 3, 2014)

LaptopGeek said:


> There is this LOLcow that I have known for a long time. She is stupidly paranoid that if her friends and family go OOC, she sees the worst them, thinking they are depressed or dead, it gets out of hand, I think they avoid her deliberately as a result.


Wait, what? She thinks that they are playing characters? (If OOC = Out Of Character in this context)


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## TheRedRanger (Aug 3, 2014)

TheRedRanger said:


> This guy.
> He pops up on Gaia Online every now and again, posting the exct same thing, spamming the role playing forum with up to 12 identical threads at a time. Judging by his name changes, I'm guessing he's been banned, but keeps coming back.
> http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b86/destruction_pancake/WG0_zpsf968439f.png
> 
> ...


Oh God! He's back, and he's getting worse!


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## granitoons (Aug 3, 2014)

Varis said:


> Wait, what? She thinks that they are playing characters? (If OOC = Out Of Character in this context)



OOC = Out of character, unless it stands for something else?


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## LaptopGeek (Aug 3, 2014)

granitoons said:


> OOC = Out of character, unless it stands for something else?



It is Out of Character


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## Yaoi Huntress Earth (Aug 5, 2014)

I'm not sure if I posted this before, but I'm going to throw in Brooke McEldowney. He's both a comic strip and webcomic artist. In a way, he's kind of like Aaron Diaz (Dresden Codex) if he was in love with the jazz age (or anything before 1954), had a possible reverse Electra complex and went for political wit instead of social justice. Both are pretentious, better-than-you know-it-alls who fancy themselves as geniuses, love "unique" (aka cluttered and hard to read) panel layouts, both have protagonist-centered morality (though Brooke's is more Randian), both exalt their nerdom (Diaz is a traditional geek while Brooke is the uptight, "intellectual" nerd-type), both will accuse others of being "perverts" while drawing "sexy" or fetishy pics of their female protagonists (75% of Brooke's women are single-minded nymphos), can't stand criticism no matter how civil and neither can plan their stories out well.

Like Tom Batiuk (creator of Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft) seeing how far his car-wreck of work can get more creepy and pretentious. I'm even doing a go through of McEldowney's work here. Then again, the comic strip industry (like webcomics) has a decent share of creators with major issues.


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## LM 697 (Aug 6, 2014)

BRICKS Wangler said:


> i enjoy the stories of MauvmanShuffleboard hes one cool cat I can tell and he knows A lot of wacky persons


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