# Things you have learned



## Spunt (Sep 7, 2019)

I have somehow managed to exist on this planet for multiple decades without dying, going to prison, or becoming MovieBob. In that time, I have learned some useful things about life and people. In particular, I have held a number of jobs where it was my job to investigate massive fuck-ups and work out how they happened, and which asshole was responsible and should be fired. I learned a lot about how to tell if someone is lying or being evasive:

- Someone who is hiding something will use passive sentence construction to try to make it sound like no-one was at fault. So instead of saying "I did not record the shipment in the log" they will say "the shipment was not recorded in the log". 
- Anyone who uses the phrase "I naturally assumed that..." under interrogation is the person responsible for the fuck-up, and they know it.
- Most people when recalling a memory will instinctively look up and to the right. Someone who is making something up will look up and to the left.

What wisdom have you learned that you can share with us?


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## Billy "the Bot" Bobson (Sep 7, 2019)

Most people are full of shit, but the shit they're full of is likely better than the shit you're full of.


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## Rancid Flid (Sep 7, 2019)

Be excellent to each other & party on dudes.


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## mr.moon1488 (Sep 7, 2019)

If you think anything is fool proof, you're the fool, and that's the proof.


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## d12 (Sep 7, 2019)

Don't heat milk in a tea kettle, that shit'll get caked on like a diaper at a furry convention.


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## Red Hood (Sep 7, 2019)

I sure do get a kick outta that there Beavis and Butt-head show.


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## 8777BB5 (Sep 7, 2019)

The Big Four Rules of Life (As told to me by my Mountain Guide)
1. Never French Kiss a lightsocket
2. Never Marry the Boss's daughter
3. Never buttfuck a porcupine
4. Opinions are like assholes: Everyone has one and rarely does one want to see hear, taste, smell or touch one.


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## Ralsei (Sep 7, 2019)

Platypuses are animals that produce both eggs and mi.lk, making them a walking source of omelettes.


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## Immortal Technique (Sep 7, 2019)

If you ever want to beat a lie detector test just clinch your anus during the baseline questions and do it, periodically, during innocuous questions throughout the interrogation.


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## NOT Sword Fighter Super (Sep 7, 2019)

The Shadow said:


> I sure do get a kick outta that there Beavis and Butt-head show.







I've learned you shouldn't trust people who tell you that you can trust them.


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## Exigent Circumcisions (Sep 7, 2019)

If you act like a victim that's all you'll ever be.


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## CivilianOfTheFandomWars (Sep 7, 2019)

mr.moon1488 said:


> If you think anything is fool proof, you're the fool, and that's the proof.


1. People who say that something is foolproof underestimates the ingenuity of fools.
2. It’s really easy to make booze, harder to make _good_ booze.
3. Robotussin gelcaps that contain only Dextromorphan Hbr are decent enough ways to get high. It is not for everyone, but it is cheaper than Ketamine.
4. A falling knife has no handle, the gun is always loaded, and the plate is always hot. Also, a sharp knife is a safe knife.
5. Learn to cook. There is no reason to not know how to make a good meal for yourself.
6. Learning from your mistakes is good, learning from the mistakes of others is better.
7. You do not have to share every little thing you do. No one really cares or even needs to know what you do in your spare time.
8. It’s always risky to try to turn a hobby into a job. You may just ruin something you used to enjoy.
9. If you don’t know what your doing, do not fuck with plumbing or electrical work. You will either get hurt or break something more expensive. Learn general handiness skills to avoid that.
10. Take care of yourselves, and each other.


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## JosephStalin (Sep 7, 2019)

1. Never marry anyone you feel sorry for.  You SHALL be VERY sorry.  

2.  Guess what.  Plenty of pussy out there, guys.  If you look and act reasonably normal you'll find someone.  She may not be in your desired age group, but if she looks good and fucks good, that's all that matters.  Think you're too old?  Hell, no.  Some women want an older guy, and some women want any guy at all.  Just look and act normal and you'll find something.  Now, don't look and act desperate.  Your chances of success improve in inverse proportion to how hard you look for someone.


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## Bunny Tracks (Sep 7, 2019)

1: Always write down your passwords and keep them in a secure place.
2: Cook eggs in butter or bacon grease to prevent them from sticking to the pan. Nonstick spray does jack shit.
3: Put out candles by putting the lids back on them so the room doesn't smell like smoke.
4: Shower gel can be used as a substitute for shampoo.
5: Always look before _and_ when crossing the street.
6: When giving change, put the coins on the bottom and the bills on the top. This way the coins don't slip and fall when the person is getting the money.
7: It's okay to not be good at everything. It's what makes us human.
8: It's okay to make mistakes. Just be sure to own up to them _and_ learn from them.


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## The Last Stand (Sep 8, 2019)

If you can do something now or ASAP, do it so you can get it over with.
The Internet can be a great place to make friends, but still be careful. It's the Internet, anybody can be anybody.
College students are gross.
Take notes.


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## NOT Sword Fighter Super (Sep 8, 2019)

The Last Stand said:


> If you can do something now or ASAP, do it so you can get it over with.
> The Internet can be a great place to make friends, but still be careful. It's the Internet, anybody can be anybody.
> College students are gross.
> Take notes.


I'd love for you to expand on the "college students are gross" bit.
I completely agree, but I love horror stories.


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## nagant 1895 (Sep 8, 2019)

Do not deny people the opportunity to be kind.

To get by in this world it is easier if one consents to being taught things they already know.


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## LofaSofa (Sep 8, 2019)

Never leave my mom alone with @Ron /pol/


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## The Crow (Sep 8, 2019)

Life's a bitch, and then you die.


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## I Love Beef (Sep 8, 2019)

*If you have a strong feeling of spiritual awareness or a strong connection to the divine, or anything supernatural or superstitious in your life, it's best to be humble and see what that means for your own life, unless there are friends who are into that kind of stuff and are willing to share about it. Even then, there's too many damn frauds and religious fanatics these days that do not have this connection or pervert it for their own material gain. Also, learn the definition of the supernatural; there's a reason why angels are known as heavenly messengers and why the supernatural means "beyond natural phenomena". That said, no one's life is ever the same in perspective. Try to understand others, and let interactions with meaningful and caring people change you for the better, but stick to your own.

*It takes to know yourself to "trust your gut", and even then, your intuitions are not always accurate Continue forward, do what you can, do your best, and move ahead.

*If shit is petty around a scene or a certain subculture of people and all they just do is spectate or brag and cause drama to have anything meaningful in their lives, leave immediately. They will not lead you anywhere good.

*Always develop patience, and continue to as you get older. Life isn't a damn TV show where everything gets wrapped up in a 25 minute period, and even then, that's just where everything else done in life is snipped out and has all of the relevant parts pasted together. Results will always come as long as there is time, and don't waste it. Good fortune is always associated with preparedness and skillfulness, and ignorance is not your friend; it's why low income ghetto niggardly backasses always engage in crime.

*Even if you don't see it, karma will always be on the lookout and heaven is always watching. It's in our nature to want immediate retribution and payback with instant gratification, but when it comes, it will come when it's least expected and will be far more punishing than you can ever imagine. Respect it, fear it, and remember: it could happen to you if you stray far enough. In short: "The wheels of justice may turn slowly, but they will grind fools who play and taunt around them to a pulp." And we all know the ingenuity of fools.

*Running away is always the last option and plan to go to. Everything has to be fucked hard for that option to be the only way out, however, and I mean to where you can't provide yourself food or income or is that life threatening, either from a very active threat of death or knowing a place is that terrible and bumfucked that being there is a death sentence if you stay long enough. There is nothing wrong with running away, but you have to honestly ask yourself if it's that bad if walking away from everything is the only way out. Running away may run you into a dead end too if you are not careful enough either. Again, be patient, and try to improve things, it may not be too late.


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## bbfx (Sep 8, 2019)

A lot of people really need someone who genuinely pays attention to them and listens to the shit they have to say. You can make someone's day by sitting down with them and asking a couple questions about whatever makes them excited. 
People who love you mostly want you to be happy and safe: by doing what makes you happy, you make them happy too.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don't own.
Don't get too mad at people for shit they did without the intent of harming you, if they own up to their mistakes. Most people aren't evil, we're all just kinda dumb. 
Never waste a chance to be kind, never deny anyone the opportunity to be kind.
Most things worth doing are a little scary to do. 
You shouldn't try to teach an ass how to take a shit. Let people do their job.
It's easier to clean a bit every day than to spend a whole day cleaning. Don't let shit pile up.
Never date anyone you wouldn't love to be friends with if they didn't fuck you.


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## Lemmingwise (Sep 8, 2019)

Try not the miss the things you had, but be thankful you once had them at all.


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## PL 001 (Sep 8, 2019)

Just because you have someone's attention doesn't mean you have their respect.

So sayeth the great sage Dale Gribble.


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## Spunt (Sep 8, 2019)

Confronting idiots with evidence of their stupidity does not make them smarter. It just makes them angry idiots.


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## Lurkio (Sep 8, 2019)

Don't be afraid to take a little extra time to decide on what you want to do or how you want to do something, but don't use that as an excuse to procrastinate.


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## Don Herbert (Sep 8, 2019)

Trust but verify, forgive but don't forget. Holding grudges, and allowing yourself to become a passive victim, both corrode the soul in near equal measure. 
Sleeping on a big decision is helpful. First instincts still deserve consideration.
Truly easy livings only come from crime and inheritance, and often not even then. Quick fixes are stop gaps, not discounts. Toiling needlessly isn't a virtue, but nothing worth having comes easy. 
Natural rights may be bestowed by God but their condition is perpetually in flux, and they're secured by men. Apathy and ignorance are more to blame for the erosion of liberty than malice. 
If you like shadow boxing to the Rocky theme songs to start your day, you should either keep your eyes open or maintain a clutter-free living area.


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## Gravityqueen4life (Sep 9, 2019)

working hard at something dosent always guarantee succcess.


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## Pitere pit (Sep 10, 2019)

. Family and closed friends can be cunts sometimes, but is handy to stay close at them if anything wrong happens to you or them. Unity creates force. 
. Some friendships come and go, but the true ones stay with you at the worst times and you help them too. 
. It might sound cliche, but some things are never too late to do, like studying. Knowledge never die. 
. Death is shit, but you can make it less shitty on your last days. Don't make a huge show about it, just keep all the papers done before you are gone, the instructions of your funeral and tell your loved ones that they shouldn't be sad because you are gone, just happy because you are in a better place and not suffering anymore. Keep the banter and laughs until the end. If you go, may your last gesture on your face be a smile. 
. Sometimes we gotta deal with the shit we did and can't be fixed. However, you can create new better moments by learning your mistakes. 
. It is better to say someone how you feel about them in the moment that bottling up and exploding later.
. At least keep some alternatives to all your plans, even minor ones like taking the bus to your job, someday the bus won't be there.


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## Pope Negro Joe the XIIIth (Sep 10, 2019)

"All you have to do is follow through when you screaming that you don't give a fuck."


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## God of Nothing (Sep 10, 2019)

Goodwill more than often leads one open to manipulation and abuse.
Forgiveness is an overrated virtue often given to the undeserving.
Being unreasonably indecisive is often worse than just choosing the bad outcome.
Validation is completely unnecessary and will lead you to depend more on others.
Pessimism and Optimism are often misplaced and very often toxic.
It's absolutely fine to feel somewhat bitter about your past: letting go or accepting it is far harder than people make it out to be and will still never fix it.
Good and evil are arbitrary, contemplating either or striving to be purely good will lead to misery. 
Confidence is not learned, it's achieved by accepting the outcomes of situations no matter what they be and going in anyway clear of grand visions of failure and success weighing you down.
The only thing in life you control is yourself. Beware those who believe in Locus of Control for they will preach complete internal Locus of Control. 
Always question your beliefs to be sure if they're worth having or even your own.


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## Emperor Julian (Sep 11, 2019)

-Order must begin within, if you wish for Sanity and good to prevail you must begin with yourself and move outward.
-People naturally gravitate towards good slightly, the universe just tips the scales the other way.
-Keep your word, it's the best credit their is
-Buy really expensive good shoes, you'll save a great deal of money and pain.
-Be sure to complain at corporations at any opertunity, you'll get loads of free stuff. Especially if you're nice about it.
-If you're fucking a girl pay special attention to the Clitorus, the more she orgasms the more she'll be willing to do stuff for you. It amazes how many people get this wrong.
-Pulling girls is pretty simple, as them if they want a drink.


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## Postal_Rat (Sep 12, 2019)

No one understands you and nobody cares its on you to be understood and liked
It's easier to change some ones mind if your's at least seems changeable nobody gambles without hope of winning
 Put your parachute on first then check your passengers if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of any one
Failing to complain is often just as much of a problem as complaining too much
Intelligent people believe stupid shit all the time and so do you


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## OneEyedCool (Sep 12, 2019)

CivilianOfTheFandomWars said:


> 8. It’s always risky to try to turn a hobby into a job. You may just ruin something you used to enjoy.


This is in contradiction to today's modern wisdom, "Pick a job doing what you love.  You'll never work a day in your life".  



Gravityqueen4life said:


> working hard at something dosent always guarantee succcess.


Correct.  Actually what guarantees any good changes in a person's heart and mind is only suffering.  Loss, and the hellish pain that comes with it.  Hard work can't give you that in its self but will train you in the form of discipline.


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## Never Scored (Sep 12, 2019)

-Nobody cares about your house/computer/car/etc as much as you do. Learn to fix as much shit yourself as you can.

-Your parents are in you an you can't escape it.

-You're not entitled to have someone take care of you.

-Rights are an abstract idea that don't exist outside organized society. 

-There's always a way to make extra money. If you think there isn't, you haven't tried.

-Consumer debt like credit cards is cancer. Debt on assets such as land or a house or equipment to start a business is OK as long as it's kept under control.

-The kind of people who run for town council are the kind of people who look over your fence and report what's in your yard even if it doesn't affect them. They're the kind of people who report posts on the internet instead of just ignoring them. They're the kind of people who raise their hand to tell the teacher you're not paying attention in school. Those people move from town council to other politics and they end up running things. So just remember that the country is run by nit-pickers who look over your fence and report you for putting new siding on your shed without a permit.


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## Autocrat (Sep 12, 2019)

"What a woman says in ardent love may as well be written on the wind or running water"
Is true. 

Your opinion of yourself many orders of magnitude more than other peoples' opinion of you. and ultimately it's what dictates other peoples' opinion of you in the first place. Control your routine and you control your life. Take the pussy.


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## queerape (Sep 12, 2019)

There is very little worth hating yourself or others for. Holding in negative emotions and grudges hurts you more than it hurts anyone else.

It's ok to have feelings, it doesn't make you weak. 

If you are going through hell, keep going.


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## MAPK phosphatase (Sep 12, 2019)

- There is always someone smarter, more capable, and a harder worker than you are. Don't hate them out of spite for being better, become their friend and learn as much as you can from them, then befriend the smart people who know less than you so that if they ever surpass you, you can learn from them too.
- Humility is a valuable asset.
- Relationships require maintenance, and if you aren't going to put in the work the other person isn't going to either.
- Everyone is inescapably human. Expecting any more or less will only be met with disappointment.


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## Bunny Tracks (Sep 13, 2019)

Never, *ever*  use a wet oven mitt to take food out of the oven. It doesn't matter if it's just a little wet, don't use it. Your hands, food, and feet will thank you.


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## Emperor Julian (Sep 13, 2019)

one occured to me earlier.

If you're being served by someone or speaking with a call centre employee. Remember this conversation is a boring chore for them with no real personal gain, that chirpy demenor is a facade. If you start to annoy them they'll do the bare minimum for you at best and may start engaging in malicious compliance and deliberatly fuck with you as much as they can get away with. If you're really unluckly they'll start messing n ways which would get them fired but are hard to prove.

Classic examples of your reward for being a hateful cunt people trying to serve you.

- Laughing at you behind your back, any obvious personal issues are fair game here.
-Doing a really half assed job with your problem.
-keeping you in the dark about everything.
-Looking for excuses to refuse you service.
-Neglecting to mention solutions to your problem.
-Providing you exactly what you wanted because they know it's a real bad thing.
-Incorrectly filling out paperwork which will fuck you hard further down the line.
-Spitting in your food maybe even a couple of pubes if both you and him/her are real assholes.

All this obviously assumes you don't overstep the absurdly low standard coporations expect of customers. God help you if you're stupid enough to cross the line. I once saw member of the general public cost himself 2000 in house repairs and a cancelled policy because he called someone a Racial slur.

On the opposite end always remember that most low level employee's you interact with hate the company with a depth and scale you could never hope to meet. They will help you fuck the company into the dirt any chance they get as long as you don't annoy them personally.


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## Gaat (Sep 13, 2019)

You can forgive people for the asinine shit they do. You can forgive then for the pain they will cause you. Because you forgive does not mean you should forget. 

Don't post on the internet if you're mad about something or have strong passion on something. Not without admitting you might be wrong. 

You can enjoy something or enjoy being with someone. That is no excuse to blind you to any faults. Because you like to do something or to be with someone, do not think it or they are perfect. 

If a relationship is tits up and you fight every damn day, evaluate if it's worth it. 

Cook. Nobody gives a fuck if you cannot feed yourself. In the same token learn to shop for groceries. 

Ask for help if you have no clue on how to do something. However ask for help from either a source which gives you the information without judgement or from people you trust. People will fuck you up to get ahead. 

Take care of yourself. When you die, regardless of what afterlife or lack of one you believe in, there is no do over. 

In a dangerous situation or if someone's life is in danger, react. You can fall apart later.


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## LyapunovCriterion (Sep 13, 2019)

Don't be born.


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## Recoil (Sep 13, 2019)

Anything you put off until tomorrow or later will not get done.
Your actions affect other people far more than you think.
There is no high without a hangover of some sort.
Skillsets, personal property and appearances do not define us as much as we like to think. What really matters is intelligence and empathy.
God is.
Know Thyself.


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## .Woody (Sep 15, 2019)

The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell


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## queerape (Sep 21, 2019)

You can love someone even if you are no longer in love with them
You can see someone who hurt you are a positive figure in your life
You can miss something with all of your heart yet never want it back for anything in the world.


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## AprilRains (Dec 12, 2019)

Spunt said:


> Most people when recalling a memory will instinctively look up and to the right. Someone who is making something up will look up and to the left.


I think the urban myth goes the other way, but from what I recall of FACS, it's better to watch the hands.


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## The Last Stand (Dec 12, 2019)

I have learned about bipolar disorder and how to understand it.


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## ProgKing of the North (Dec 12, 2019)

AprilRains said:


> I think the urban myth goes the other way, but from what I recall of FACS, it's better to watch the hands.


Misread that as FAGS, and was like "she's right, they DO talk with their hands!"


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## Non-Expert! (Dec 18, 2019)

Over the years? What I have learned?

- Shut the Fuck Up. Seriously. Anything you say can be used against you, at any time. 
- Things you don't say can also be used against you.
- I renamed Los Angeles "Los Assholes" and there is a damn good reason for it.
- Never assume that you are the most competent or most qualified person in the room - you will find out soon enough, if you are.
- Don't try to win over douchebags. They are douchebags, after all.
- Avoid taking your kids out in public, unless accompanied by another adult. Refer to "Los Assholes."
- Find out what is required of you, and do it.  Then Shut the Fuck Up. 
- In general,  no one wants to hear about it. Be an adult, and save it for later.
- Do not use racial or ethnic slurs. It is tacky and cruel. 
- Skipping dinner and eating a tin of Danish Butter Cookies every night raises your cholesterol level.

Etc.


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## Porque no los dos? (Dec 18, 2019)

Everyone is an asshole, the golden rule is for suckers.
Always keep a treat for yourself for later, you'll need it and future you will thank past you for it.
Whose Line is it Anyway is still funny, except the Drew Carey years.


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## Sorlock (Dec 19, 2019)

- Don't act like you're wise and give aphorisms and advice unless you have something to show for it
- Apply Aristotle's rhetorical triangle whenever you're in a debate or reading secondhand information, especially the less prestigious instances
- Goethe was the original Chad
- Always hold secret meetings at the Three Broomsticks and never the Hog's Head
- If you don't know who the idiot in the room is, congratulations, you're in an idiot-free room and have won at life
- Walk away from Omelas
- Pointing out others' errors and folly doesn't always fix them, but at the very least it diverts energy from being used to commit new ones


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## The 3rd Hooligan (Dec 19, 2019)

Deep breathing actually helps you relax, 3 sec inhale 1sec stop 3 second exhale 1 sec stop and repeat.

If you cook  nonbagged rice rinse it in water a few times to make it less sticky.

Cats show affection by slow blinking. It works if you blink at them too.

Alt+PrntScrn screenscaps the window you currently are at.


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## Botchy Galoop (Dec 19, 2019)

1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. It's all small stuff.


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## Non-Expert! (Dec 19, 2019)

Here's one:

Be kind. Be empathic. Don't project ill-intent on others. People are individuals. Separate out the wheat from the chafe. 

Here's another:

Concerned people are toxic. If somebody has genuine concerns, they will voice them to you privately. Otherwise they are sabotaging your credibility.

If you are concerned about somebody, present solutions to their problems, because otherwise you come across as clingy, unreasonable and critical.

Third one: 

If somebody is being a jerk to you, call them out on it in a way that embarasses them. But be swift and timely, and know your audience.


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