# Silly things you did as a kid



## sparklemilhouse (Mar 14, 2013)

Bouncing off the "silly things you believed as a kid" thread. 

When I was fourteen, my mom and I were staying at a Hampton Inn because there was a bad nor'easter, and our neighborhood was flooding. One day during breakfast, I totally wasn't thinking and when i saw that my bagel was stuck in the toaster, I grabbed the first thing I saw, these METAL tongs to get the bagel out. Thank god an attendant stopped me. 

I've mentioned this before here, but in 7th grade I had a HUGE crush on my social studies teacher. I was always wanting attention for it. One day, right when we came back from Christmas break, I told everybody that I had a dream that he threw me on his desk and began to kiss me.   I was making shit up. Everybody said they were going to tell my teacher about it, so I freaked. 

That same day we were having some sort of notebook check, where our teacher would make sure our notebooks were in tip top shape. I decided that I had to create a diversion, and also I was just embarrassed as hell that I told so many people about the fake dream I had. So I wrote a suicide note, and stuck it in my social studies notes. Yeah he found it, and ripped it out of my notebook, he said something hateful, I forgot what though. Next thing I knew I was sitting at ye olde guidance counselors office. 

I have tons more, but I'll stop for now.


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## Fialovy (Mar 14, 2013)

I kept a potato as a pet.

I'll think of other ones eventually too.


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## pickleniggo (Mar 14, 2013)

When I was really little, my family and I were at a weird pancake house in PA or something. It was the kind of place that is really generous with their portions and I got pancakes. When the plate came out I saw a scoop of what I thought was vanilla ice cream on my pancakes and I got really excited and stuck a spoon into it. I was about to eat it when my mother was like "THAT'S BUTTER WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
That's like one if my earliest memories: being disappointed by giant scoops of butter, which I don't like on my pancakes to begin with.


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## cypocraphy (Mar 14, 2013)

In 1st grade I drew this in pencil on my desk:


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## The Hunter (Mar 14, 2013)

When I was 5 years old, I used to get the seeds out of my apples and plant them in the backyard in hopes that we'd have an apple tree for delicious apples all the time. Sadly, I'd water the same general area every day as well. Took a while for my dad to convince me to cut it out because of the whole water conservation thing in town.


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## Stratochu (Mar 14, 2013)

I always wanted to sprout and plant avocado seeds so I could have an avocado tree as a kid, never mind that between Nebraska, Colorado, a fucked-up part of Central California, and Oregon, where I've lived, avocado trees cannot survive. 

I was obsessive about spinning as a kid (in office chairs)

I was never into McDonald's except when they had Hot Wheels or G.I. Joes, and I preferred nuggets over the gross hamburgers.

I was crazy obsessed with Volkswagen-based kit cars as a kid and teenager to the point that I wanted a fiberglass 1950s Porsche roadster replica like the black one from "Top Gun" and I even bought a junker dune buggy in hopes that I could put it back on street wheels and make a Porsche replica out of it. I settled for a beat-up white Chevy van that the local Pepsi distributor was selling.


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## Bugaboo (Mar 14, 2013)

Once when I was little I ate fish food.
Oh wait no, I did that 2 years ago.

(It ain't too bad, it's just really bland and it coats your mouth)


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## KatsuKitty (Mar 14, 2013)

I have about three tapes of me as a kid doing "radio shows" on the "Koopa Troopa Channel". One favorite of mine to do was a retarded show featuring the Pleasant family from The Sims. They're all complete with commercials advertising Britney Spears, Ninendo 64 games, and free songs on Napster.


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## Bugaboo (Mar 14, 2013)

KatsuKitty said:
			
		

> I have about three tapes of me as a kid doing "radio shows" on the "Koopa Troopa Channel". One favorite of mine to do was a retarded show featuring the Pleasant family from The Sims. They're all complete with commercials advertising Britney Spears, Ninendo 64 games, and free songs on Napster.


I have a tape of 5 year old me singing the Pokemon theme song.
I should burn it one of these days


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## Fialovy (Mar 14, 2013)

I used to pretend my beanie babies (which I had a HUGE collection of) were pokemon since I didn't have the plushies of all of them at the time (it was really hard to find beanie babies for the plant-based pokemon, all I had was a jack-o-lantern one with vine arms and legs to represent everything from vileplume to tangela) 

Also, in first grade I watched Cartoon All-Stars and then at recess that day some friends and I played "Cartoon Allstars" and we used our own characters like Pokemon, Power Rangers, Sailor Moon, and all of our other favorite shows that we liked and yeah we pretended to destroy all the drugs in the world... I think some of the teachers watching us play did not realize we would take the cartoon so serious and it was quite hilarious in hindsight.


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## Niachu (Mar 15, 2013)

Fialovy said:
			
		

> Also, in first grade I watched Cartoon All-Stars and then at recess that day some friends and I played "Cartoon Allstars" and we used our own characters like Pokemon, Power Rangers, Sailor Moon, and all of our other favorite shows that we liked and yeah we pretended to destroy all the drugs in the world... I think some of the teachers watching us play did not realize we would take the cartoon so serious and it was quite hilarious in hindsight.



That's adorable.


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## Male (Mar 15, 2013)

!)Get a cereal box
2)Put my left arm in it
3)Pretend my arm is a Megabuster


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## The Joker (Mar 16, 2013)

I would dress my cats up and play "Little house in the Big Woods" with them.


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## c-no (Mar 17, 2013)

When I was in kindergarten, I owned a psone with some games. I scratched the back of said games. I then began to regret that decisions many years later. When I was almost 13, I made my first internet post on Newgrounds in the political forum regarding the Iraq war, complete with horrid grammar and spelling. I regret that as well, being oh so new to what really the internet that was without a the kid-friendly things like Neo-Pets.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 17, 2013)

I have an entire binder of things I printed out from my first few months on the Internet back in 2000. I was such a little girl back then. 

I used to send dumb emails to Vance DeGeneres (Ellen's brother) all the time in my late teens. Ed Helms when I was in my early 20s, and _right_ before he got super famous.


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## Fialovy (Mar 17, 2013)

I would run into TVs, paintings, you name it, shouting "Blue Skadoo we can too!" because if Steve could do it, so can I and if I didn't do it, I wasn't trying hard enough. Instead I just crashed into walls and TVs.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 21, 2013)

Speaking of Blues Clues, a silly thing I did as a kid was ... I was totally into Blues Clues even as a 15 year old because I thought Steve was hot.


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## Fialovy (Mar 21, 2013)

sparklemilhouse said:
			
		

> Speaking of Blues Clues, a silly thing I did as a kid was ... I was totally into Blues Clues even as a 15 year old because I thought Steve was hot.



I stopped watcing Blue's Clue's when Steve left the show.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 23, 2014)

I used to have figure skating competitions for my Barbies every weekend when I was 8-10 years old. I'd have them "skate" to whatever was on the radio.


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## Stuff and Things (Mar 23, 2014)

When i was like 6 or 7 years old, i was in this school trip, we took a break on a McDonalds and i remember how all the kids were all exited with these g.i. joe toys that they got on their happy meals... me? i chose a happy meal with a girls toy, it was a bunny plush with a carrot plush... i still have those things...


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## The Dude (Mar 23, 2014)

When I was 8 or so I ran a line of black powder down my driveway and used a lighter and hair spray as a blow torch to light it. It flashed into my face, burned off my eyebrows, some of my hair, and got a severe second degree burn on my nose that caused several layers of my skin to slough off down to the capillaries. 

I still play with black powder.


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 23, 2014)

I was on vacation with my cousins, and we were staying at a place owned by a friend of my grandfather. He had his garage converted into a motel. Anyway, my one cousin and I were playing house, and we got the bright idea to use the air conditioner as an oven. Cue us shoving bread into the vents.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 23, 2014)

I remember seeing powdered toast man on ren & stimpy and askig my mom, "did that stuff exist a long time ago?"


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## c-no (Mar 23, 2014)

One silly thing I remember was dialing 911 on my sisters phone when I was 8. Some time later, my dad came into my sister's room, asking if I called 911 and slapped my hands when I said yes, then the officer told me that 911 is for emergencies only. Why I did that as a kid I can only guess I was something of an idiot.


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 23, 2014)

^I actually did the same thing. I told them my dad was sick, then ran into my parent's room and hid under the covers as I heard my dad go berserk.


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## hopietan (Mar 23, 2014)

^ My sister dialed 911 at a friends house.. We were playing an imagination game about superheroes and she ended up using the phone to actually dial 911, we all thought it was disconnected though so that's why we didn't stop her. The officer actually came to the house though to scold us, so that was probably the worst sleepover ever. 

As for me, I had a terrible speech impediment when I was younger so I would always get frustrated when trying to have a serious conversation with my mom about Pokemon or Legend of Zelda (the only two video games I owned as a kid) and she wouldn't understand a word I was saying but it was important to me back then but now that I think about it I doubt she would have even cared haha. I was also pretty dumb as a kid, I remember touching a lit candle and burning my finger pretty bad wondering why it hurt so much because Ariel got away with it in the Little Mermaid (Years later I realized she was only touching a picture of a candle I was that unobservant.)


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## exball (Mar 24, 2014)

I stomped on a fire ant hill while wearing sandals when I was three. Guess what happened next.


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## applecat (Mar 24, 2014)

Male said:


> !)Get a cereal box
> 2)Put my left arm in it
> 3)Pretend my arm is a Megabuster



Every time I put on a batter's helmet so I could help my brother practice his pitch, I secretly pretended I was Megaman.

I also had a secret crush on Protoman.


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## caffeinated_wench (Mar 24, 2014)

The main thing I can say is that I wrote cringeworthy fanfiction. I know, it's ridiculously common. I wrote this Pokemon/Sonic/Zelda crossover, too. Like, 4 or 5 unfinished fics of it.

There was a piece of metal in the ashes of a fire pit in the backyard of my childhood home. The whole thing was still smoking. That should be enough to tell me it was hot, right? NOPE! I tried to pick it up and received burns on my thumb and forefinger for my stupidity.

My sisters and I used to play Pokemon trainers and we'd wander around our backyard having "adventures." The place where our yard stopped and the other house's yard began was separated by a fence; there were these trees growing alongside the fence in the other yard, not too tall. That area was Viridian Forest.

During the summer time, after being stung by yellow jackets and a dead bee (not sure if that would qualify as something stupid) one too many times, I took to killing them via plastic baseball bat. Pretty much every single day (save for Sunday) was spent smacking those bastards like they were baseballs. I thought that it would cut down on the number of them in the yard. I didn't realize that more could just come from elsewhere. Hard to tell their buddies not to go to that yard when they're dead. ...and they'd probably all come back for the sole purpose of stinging me, anyway.

I also had the bright idea of trying to take a cat for a walk.


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## MysticMisty (Mar 24, 2014)

caffeinated_wench said:


> I also had the bright idea of trying to take a cat for a walk.


My late cat liked to take walks when he was younger. Mind you he dictated where we went and when he decided to lay down he didn't want to get back up again, but you could walk him. Must've been a helluva sight for the neighbors.

After I saw Toy Story I felt like I was neglecting all my stuffed animals and other toys whenever I played video games so for a long time after that I'd include them whenever I wanted to play a game.


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## sm0t (Mar 24, 2014)

exball said:


> I stomped on a fire ant hill while wearing sandals when I was three. Guess what happened next.



When I was about 8 or so, while out on a trail with my parents I stood by a blackberry bush to pick some berries in higher branches without knowing that I was standing in a big fire anthill, until I felt 32135 of them biting my feet.  I was wearing sandals too.

At around 6-ish I once tried to balance myself on the top of my head while on a bed once.  I now have a scar next to my left eye where I slammed my face on the corner of the TV stand in front of of that bed after I fell and bounced off of it.

I don't actually recall this event myself, only what my parents told me.  At around 2 or 3 I had a Radio Flyer wagon that I apparently loved to bits.  One day I got the bright idea to stand up while in that wagon, where it naturally rolled away underneath me and I fell chin-first onto our gravel driveway.  Except the gravel was more like a path of small rocks.  I still have the scar on my chin.


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## caffeinated_wench (Mar 24, 2014)

MysticMisty said:


> My late cat liked to take walks when he was younger. Mind you he dictated where we went and when he decided to lay down he didn't want to get back up again, but you could walk him. Must've been a helluva sight for the neighbors.


The cats I had weren't too keen on the idea.

Once I decided to get off of the trampoline while my sisters were still jumping on it. I was summarily bounced off and I managed to hit a nerve. My legs went numb and I started freaking out because I thought I broke my legs even though there was none of the pain associated with breaking a bone and it was the second time something like this happened.

Before that, there was this one time I had the genius idea to jump from the coffee table over the screen that went to the fireplace. I made it the first two times, then one of my feet didn't quite make it over and I tripped (??) and..... yep. I hit the floor with a thud and managed to hit a nerve that made me temporarily lose feeling in my leg(s?) and I thought I was gonna die or some shit because I couldn't walk.


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 24, 2014)

My brother and I did a lot of stupid shit together. For starters, we would jump from my mom's dresser to her bed. It was squat and had a wooden frame. One day I missed the comforter and hit my head on a corner of the frame. I still have the scar next to my left eyebrow. We would also stack old couch cushions in the basement, take one to sit on, and then slide down the pile. It was actually pretty fun.

Whenever I had to take a bath, I'd bring my Barbies or other toys with me. I would often stand on the toilet and push them through the opening above the bath screen to pretend that they were diving. Well one day the door slid open somehow, and I fell headfirst into the empty bath. I thought I was going to die, and remember finding it weird that my mom was just laughing at me with no concern at all.


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## Henry Bemis (Mar 24, 2014)

Anyone else snort Pixy Stix?


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 24, 2014)

This one is gonna sound really bizarre, and in truth, it is.

We would go to Burger King practically every week. (It's amazing I never got fat, unlike a certain manchild we all know.) My brother and I would share a cup of ketchup, and we'd each dip a french fry at the same time and compare the size of the ketchup globs. Whoever had the larger amount would say "You owe me big,", quoting Mushu from Mulan, and then take a bite. I have no fucking idea what we meant by that or why we even did it. But we did watch a lot of movies, so maybe it was an inside joke. Really, I don't know.


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## PopOfColor (Mar 24, 2014)

When I was around 9 my little sister was making me nuts( she was 4) so to make her cry I told her that her stuff bear was dead. We had a funeral where I stuffed the bear into my mother's desk and we picked flowers outside for it.

Also the girl next door lived with her grandparents and had aunts and uncles that was teenagers. She was talking about smoking grass and we could not come up with what the big deal was. So we took some grass clippings from the compost pile and tried to smoke it out of a popcan pipe she took from her Aunt. Burned the shit out of my windpipe. I was around 10.


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## Zim (Mar 24, 2014)

The Dude said:


> When I was 8 or so I ran a line of black powder down my driveway and used a lighter and hair spray as a blow torch to light it. It flashed into my face, burned off my eyebrows, some of my hair, and got a severe second degree burn on my nose that caused several layers of my skin to slough off down to the capillaries.
> 
> I still play with black powder.



I did something very similar when I was 12 except I was trying to kill fire ants. I got a few handfuls of black powder and put it on the ant hill and then used a lighter and WD40 to try and light it. I didn't get burns like you did but I lost all the hair on my face and lower arms.

Also, back when I was a little kid we invented a sort of proto-energy drink (energy drinks didn't exist back then). We would buy a 1L bottle of Mountain Dew, drink about an inch or 2 out of the bottle, and then dump a half pound of skittles into it. Then all you had to do was put it in the fridge and let the skittles dissolve. You knew it was done when a sugar film formed on top of the Dew. We each drank one of these nearly every weekend during the summer (our parents didn't know we did this). If I drank that crap today I'm pretty sure it would kill me instantly.


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## sparklemilhouse (Mar 24, 2014)

I used to drink like six Mountain Dews a day the summer I was 15. goddamn. When I was 22, I drank about that much diet coke and regular sodas a day too. Now I'm just down to 2 diet cokes a day.

One time I wanted to wash out my undergarments, but...I left the sink running while I was in the tub. Damn, I got in so much trouble that night. Mom yelled at me for HOURS. *HOURS*.


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 24, 2014)

This one isn't so much about me as it is my cousin I mentioned before. She used to have this little decorative egg called Mel-Mel, and we would treat it as if it were a baby. Sometimes she would randomly say "Mel-Mel is crying!" and we'd rush up to her room to check on the egg. Eventually her parents got rid of it, but bought her a new, much cheaper-looking one. It wasn't the same.


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## Dork Of Ages (Mar 24, 2014)

I think this one is more than silly, but here goes.

I was in the airport waiting for a flight with my family, it was late at night and it was nearly empty. I was walking around in the store's area when I saw a pretty cool store. Being the wonderfully smart person I am, I ran into it with Sonichu speed. Bam. Hit my face. I didn't see there was a glass door, and I ended up with a broken and bleeding nose, a bunch of broken teeth, and a really bruised face and had to go straight to emergency. Fun night.


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## LM 697 (Mar 24, 2014)

I climbed up one of those big tube slide things when I was like 6. When I fell off I thought that I had broke my back and died.


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 24, 2014)

I watched Sailor Moon religiously. Whenever she transformed, I would run upstairs and put on this black tutu I had that reminded me of her outfit, then dash back down to the living room and spin around as if I were transforming with her.


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## FramerGirl420 (Mar 24, 2014)

samanthakayee said:


> When I was around 9 my little sister was making me nuts( she was 4) so to make her cry I told her that her stuff bear was dead. We had a funeral where I stuffed the bear into my mother's desk and we picked flowers outside for it.
> 
> Also the girl next door lived with her grandparents and had aunts and uncles that was teenagers. She was talking about smoking grass and we could not come up with what the big deal was. So we took some grass clippings from the compost pile and tried to smoke it out of a popcan pipe she took from her Aunt. Burned the shit out of my windpipe. I was around 10.


Once when I was like, 10, me and my friend tried to smoke catnip rolled with newspaper.


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## exball (Mar 25, 2014)

Zim said:


> I did something very similar when I was 12 except I was trying to kill fire ants. I got a few handfuls of black powder and put it on the ant hill and then used a lighter and WD40 to try and light it. I didn't get burns like you did but I lost all the hair on my face and lower arms.
> 
> Also, back when I was a little kid we invented a sort of proto-energy drink (energy drinks didn't exist back then). We would buy a 1L bottle of Mountain Dew, drink about an inch or 2 out of the bottle, and then dump a half pound of skittles into it. Then all you had to do was put it in the fridge and let the skittles dissolve. You knew it was done when a sugar film formed on top of the Dew. We each drank one of these nearly every weekend during the summer (our parents didn't know we did this). If I drank that crap today I'm pretty sure it would kill me instantly.


Well now I know what I'm doing this weekend.


Me and my sister used to pretend I was Darth Vader and she was my apprentice. I force choked a My Little Pony.


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## Axiom (Mar 25, 2014)

I used to jump off the deck or the shed or the garage with umbrellas of various sizes and sheets and stuff as homemade parachutes just to see if it would work. It never did. My parents never tried to stop me either, even though they must have realized the inherent danger of letting me impact the ground over and over like a retarded meteorite. No idea how I'm not dead. I never even broke a bone.


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## bradsternum (Mar 25, 2014)

Murder.


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## Colress (Mar 25, 2014)

something i do and still do is whenever i'm on a swingset alone at a park i end up singing. i don't care


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 25, 2014)

When I went on vacation to Disney World one year, I brought along this little stuffed panda that I was really attached to at the time. The silly part is that I also brought all these accessories for it, like a miniature doll toilet, and actually remember putting it next to the hotel room's toilet.


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## littlebiscuits (Mar 25, 2014)

When I was 4 the oringinal Star Wars trilogy was replaying in movie theaters. My Dad loved Star Wars and was thrilled beyond belief that his four year old could experience it in theaters the way it should be watched. To help prepare little four year old me for what could potentially be a confusing and frustrating experience, my Dad brought me two Star Wars coloring books and a sticker set to introduce me to the settings and characters so I would understand what was happening on the screen. So by the time we actually went to see the movie, I already knew most of the characters names and was beyond excited to finally go see them. I had decided in advance that Leia, the only female lead, would be my favorite. 

  I think I followed the plot of the movie pretty well for a preschooler. That is, until the scene where Leia gets kidnapped by Jabba the hut rolled around. I hadn't yet grasped the concept that things could happen, "off screen" in movies so I was very confused when Leia had suddenly disappeared and _changed her clothes. _Now, Disney had taught me that all princesses MUST stay in their assigned outfit for the entire duration of the movie. Exceptions could be made for characters like Cinderella who receives an on-screen costume change, but other than that, princesses do not change their clothes. And I just didn't understand why she had too be so exposed. How embarrassing for my poor princess Leia! 

I was so upset by this that I screamed out into the theater, "DADDY! SOMEONE HELP! LEIA'S WEARING METAL UNDERWEAR!!!" 

Fortunately, the amount of fear and desperation in my voice made the packed theater of hardcore Star Wars fans find this adorable rather than annoying. Most of them laughed while my father had to haul me out of the theater and assure me that Leia's clothes were probably in somewhere nice and safe, and she would have them back very soon. 


TL; DR My dad took me to see Star Wars, a movie I was far too young for, and I was disturbed and horrified by an iconic movie costume.


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## pickleniggo (Mar 25, 2014)

One time, my friends and I were not satisfied with the speed we were getting when using a slip-n-slide so we decided to add dish soap to the entirety of the mat. We didn't think our cunning plan all the way through and ended up with soap in our eyes and mouths.


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## Mourning Dove (Mar 25, 2014)

When I was 4-ish I ate dish soap. There was a lemon on the bottle so it must be lemon flavored, right? Needless to say, it did not taste like lemons. 

Also when I was 4-ish I ate the leaves of my mom's arrowhead vine plant because it looked like lettuce leaves. The leaves hurt my mouth because apparently they're poisonous!


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## Fialovy (Mar 25, 2014)

I was in Sunday school and it was Palm Sunday and I was, I dunno 6ish and they were talking about how Jesus was resurrected so I raised my hand and asked "so is Jesus a zombie?" and then the teacher had to devote the entire lesson to explain.

Also, I played Pretty Pretty Princess with my brother and I would get really upset when he won and was the pretty pretty princess and I always got the cursed black ring!


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## pickleniggo (Mar 25, 2014)

Fialovy said:


> Also, I played Pretty Pretty Princess with my brother and I would get really upset when he won and was the pretty pretty princess and I always got the cursed black ring!


As an aside, I always hated Pretty Pretty Princess because my stuck up cousin once made me play it with her but I swear she rigged it so she would win.


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## Axiom (Mar 25, 2014)

We were all really horrid, stupid children, weren't we?


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## A-Stump (Mar 25, 2014)

I once put packets of sweet and sour sauce in my pockets during school at lunch, forgot, and had to wear sauce drenched pants all day. Shit was so cash


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 25, 2014)

Fialovy said:


> Also, I played Pretty Pretty Princess with my brother and I would get really upset when he won and was the pretty pretty princess and I always got the cursed black ring!


Oh my God, I loved that game. I think I cried when I lost one time and got the black ring. XD


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## DrChristianTroy (Mar 25, 2014)

My parents has a story of a friend and I running into their room, shouting "caca poo poo" and running out like it was the invention of comedy.

I'd totally do that nowadays if I had enough to drink.


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## Mourning Dove (Mar 25, 2014)

Axiom said:


> We were all really horrid, stupid children, weren't we?



Makes sense we're on a forum dedicated to following a horrid, stupid manchild.


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 25, 2014)

Another vacation story.

Two of my older cousins liked to have their own personal space - as in, they usually didn't want to play with anyone else except each other. Y'know, girl privacy and all. One year we had rented a condo, and they barricaded themselves in the bedroom four of us shared (it had bunk beds). Me and my other cousin got a piece of paper, wrote "Why can't wee wee come in?" on it, and slid it underneath the door. We thought it was hilarious, but they got pissed off.


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## Springblossom (Mar 25, 2014)

One time I took a penny and dropped it down behind a nightlight - right on top of the prongs for the plug. It nearly set the house on fire.

Another time I put a Red Hot up my nose and walked around with it until it broke open and flooded my sinus cavity with the liquid inside.


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## sm0t (Mar 26, 2014)

My mom has been an espresso aficionado for as long as I can remember.  She has a collection of stove-top percolators to create a shot of any size, and, for those who don't know, the whole process turns the coffee you put inside into a wet, compressed cake of spent grounds.  Well little toddler me came across one of these little cakes sitting on top of the trash and I thought it was an Oreo, so I picked it up and bit into it just in time for Mom to walk by and catch me in the act.  She freaked out and rushed me to the sink to wash the grounds out of my mouth.  I don't remember the actual experience of tasting it, but I imagine that it was unpleasant.

I also ate my Mom's toothpaste around the same time.  Only hers.  It was Sensodyne brand.

I had a Sugar Bear figure from a cereal box that I sat on top of a lightbulb that was turned on when I was 5.  I was upset when I found the bear melted on the bulb not too long later.


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## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 26, 2014)

When I was a kid, "The Land Before Time" was coming out to theaters and I was stoked.  What could be better than dinosaurs and cartoons?  My parents decided to take me to the theater.  We planned a day trip to Flagstaff, went to the mall, had a nice meal, and we finally went to the theater.  As the lights dimmed, I apparently started screaming, "mom!  Mom!  Do you know what Daniel did at school today?  He stuck PRETZEL STICKS UP HIS NOSE!  And when he pulled them out, there were boogers all over them!  AND THEN HE ATE THEM!"

It's a miracle my mother didn't pull me out the theater right then and there.


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## The Fair Lady (Mar 26, 2014)

Whenever we watched a movie, my brother and I would ALWAYS pause it when a character made a funny face. My dad told us not to because he said this would damage the VCR.


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## Dr. Tremolo (Mar 26, 2014)

When I was very young, I unintentionally did one of the best pranks of my life. There are those instant soups in form of cubes that you have to throw into boiling water, and they turn to noodles - I hope you know what I'm talking about. So I thought the most logical thing to do would be to throw one of those into an electric kettle. So my mom then picked up that kettle to make tea, she poured that water in and noticed some little wormy things twitching around after squirting a lemon - so everyone panicked thinking that the lemons are infested with tapeworms of some kind - my mom even wanted to carefully pack it all up to take it to the health department for examination. Luckily (or not, it would have been funnier if she would take it), I told everyone about throwing the instant soup into the kettle after some interrogation after suspicions.


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## exball (Mar 26, 2014)

DrTremolo said:


> When I was very young, I unintentionally did one of the best pranks of my life. There are those instant soups in form of cubes that you have to throw into boiling water, and they turn to noodles - I hope you know what I'm talking about. So I thought the most logical thing to do would be to throw one of those into an electric kettle. So my mom then picked up that kettle to make tea, she poured that water in and noticed some little wormy things twitching around after squirting a lemon - so everyone panicked thinking that the lemons are infested with tapeworms of some kind - my mom even wanted to carefully pack it all up to take it to the health department for examination. Luckily (or not, it would have been funnier if she would take it), I told everyone about throwing the instant soup into the kettle after some interrogation after suspicions.


Why wouldn't you just pour the water over the noodle? Surely it's easier then sticking that block in a kettle.


----------



## Dr. Tremolo (Mar 27, 2014)

exball said:


> Why wouldn't you just pour the water over the noodle? Surely it's easier then sticking that block in a kettle.


I was like, 4 or 5? Little kids like this can have impeccable logic.
It was small enough anyway.


----------



## Sexual Stallone (Mar 28, 2014)




----------



## MysticMisty (Mar 28, 2014)

When I was ten we went out to a restaurant and I was frustrated like hell because not only did I still have to order off the kids menu I couldn't even order for myself, my folks would always interrupt and order for me. And that particular night the rest of my family was completely excluding me from the conversation which just made me angrier.

So I stuck one of the shitty crayons the waiter gave me into a candle to watch it melt. And nobody noticed.


----------



## trueandhonestfan (Mar 28, 2014)

Male said:


> !)Get a cereal box
> 2)Put my left arm in it
> 3)Pretend my arm is a Megabuster


I still do that sometimes . I took a very large roll of cling wrap (on a cylindrical roll) and put my arm in it, up to my elbow. Then I did a really bad MegaMan.EXE impression and yelled "Mega Buster!", made laser sounds and pretended to shoot someone.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 28, 2014)

I made my own pretend 007 weapons out of toilet paper tubes and duct tape.  I managed to make a pretty good silenced PP7, a rocket launcher, and an RCP-90.

(Yes, I'm using the in-game weapon names from Goldeneye here, because that's what they were to me at the time.)

I was 15 and I have no shame.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Mar 28, 2014)

Anything that ever happened on TV, was recreated the next day with my barbies.


----------



## exball (Mar 28, 2014)

I pretended to be God.


----------



## RV 229 (Mar 28, 2014)

exball said:


> I pretended to be God.


I still do that.


----------



## pickleniggo (Mar 28, 2014)

MysticMisty said:


> When I was ten we went out to a restaurant and I was frustrated like hell because not only did I still have to order off the kids menu I couldn't even order for myself, my folks would always interrupt and order for me. And that particular night the rest of my family was completely excluding me from the conversation which just made me angrier.
> 
> So I stuck one of the shitty crayons the waiter gave me into a candle to watch it melt. And nobody noticed.


My mother would lie about my age to get like, two dollars off a meal. That always made me feel so gross.


----------



## LM 697 (Mar 28, 2014)

exball said:


> I pretended to be God.



You think you're a god. Null runs the whole forums, he thinks he's a greater god. Well, guys, I am Zeus. I am omnipotent, I must be obeyed, or my thunderbolts will strike.


----------



## The Fair Lady (Mar 29, 2014)

MORE VACATION STUFF OH BOY

We always went to Wildwood Crest. One day my cousin and I found this little crab and decided to keep it in a pail filled with sand, naming it Elizabeth. When it came time to go back to the hotel, we started crying, knowing we couldn't bring the crab with us. So we said our laughably dramatic goodbyes before letting it go back into the sand.


----------



## Strewth (Mar 29, 2014)

hal9000 said:


>



No Oz?


----------



## Sexual Stallone (Mar 29, 2014)

CompyRex said:


> You think you're a god. Null runs the whole forums, he thinks he's a greater god. Well, guys, I am Zeus. I am omnipotent, I must be obeyed, or my thunderbolts will strike.


----------



## spaps (Mar 29, 2014)

One time, I poured a glass full of cream, thinking it was milk. Even when I realized it wasn't milk, I continued to drink it until the glass was half-empty.

No wait, that was yesterday. God, I'm a fucking idiot.


----------



## Strewth (Mar 29, 2014)

spaps said:


> One time, I poured a glass full of cream, thinking it was milk. Even when I realized it wasn't milk, I continued to drink it until the glass was half-empty.
> 
> No wait, that was yesterday. God, I'm a fucking idiot.



I also, similarly, once tried mixing coca-cola with milk. I was twenty at the time.




If anyone cares, it sucked.


----------



## applecat (Mar 29, 2014)

One morning it was really hot so I ate ice cream for breakfast. This was last year. I was 23.


----------



## Strewth (Mar 29, 2014)

applecat said:


> One morning it was really hot so I ate ice cream for breakfast. This was last year. I was 23.



That's not silly, that's awesome.


----------



## cypocraphy (Mar 29, 2014)

In pre-school I complained to my Mom that a girl in my class said she had "An American Tail" on VHS, thinking I had the only copy in existence.


----------



## The Fair Lady (Mar 29, 2014)

When I first wore a two-piece swimsuit, I told my mom "This is a broken bathing suit!" and tried pushing the halves together.


----------



## c-no (Mar 31, 2014)

When I was around 10-12, I put dish soap in the hole of a dish washer when I used to live in a apartment with my biological dad. He thought my sister, who was around a decade older than me, was responsible for it. Needless to say I didn't get caught but I do wonder why I ever did that.


----------



## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Apr 1, 2014)

I wore kid-sized desert BDUs and Reebok Pumps at my 9th birthday party. 



Spoiler: No, really


----------



## BatNapalm (Apr 2, 2014)

Collect plastic robot figures and model kits.

Oh wait, I still do that. Fuck.


----------



## sm0t (Apr 3, 2014)

I had a pair of these god-awful sandals that were made of this clear, thick plastic/rubber mix that smelled funny, and had raised, hollow soles that made loud echoey _KA-CLOMP KA-CLOMP_ sounds when I walked on hard floors.  At the time I loved them but I'm sure I embarrassed the hell out of my parents when we were anywhere with tile/concrete floors.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Apr 3, 2014)

Francis E. Dec Esc. said:


> I wore kid-sized desert BDUs and Reebok Pumps at my 9th birthday party.
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler: No, really



It was your birthday, you can do what you want, and you chose to do something insanely awesome by 9-year-old standards.  I'd be proud.  Plus you got some of those badass Blacktron space sets, so it's a victory all around.


----------



## TopperHay (Apr 3, 2014)

When I was 8 years old I tied my brother's 5ft long toy snake onto the landing bannister and used it as a rope swing. It was fun for a while but eventually I swung too far and smashed the mirror in the hall with my feet. I was fine, but I scared the life out of my parents so I never did it again. The snake was mostly unscathed oddly enough, apart from where it's neck was stretched from all the swinging.


----------



## The Fair Lady (Apr 3, 2014)

After seeing the Powerpuff Girls episode where Mojo Jojo creates the Rowdyruff Boys, I thought I could do the same thing by flushing a bunch of shit down the toilet. I remember I used liquid soap as one of the ingredients.


----------



## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Apr 5, 2014)

When I was about three or four, I had a beanbag chair full of styrofoam pellets. One day, I decided to unzip it to see what was inside and about half of the pellets spilled out onto the floor. Instead of putting them back in, I tried to hide them by dumping them into a nearby air conditioning intake vent. For years afterwards, every time the air conditioning came on it would shoot styrofoam pellets.


----------



## Dr. Mario (Apr 5, 2014)

Back in 5th grade, I was drawing my middle finger on the blackboard with a few friends during the lunch break when the teacher came in...


----------



## The Knife (Apr 5, 2014)

One of my first memories is being between around three years old and hearing the concept of a "gingerbread man" for the first time.  I pestered my mother to let me help her make gingerbread men so that we could have them for Christmas, but she told me we could do it later.  "Later" dragged on and on, until it finally dawned on me that it was like Easter and we still hadn't made any gingerbread men and it probably wasn't going to happen.

One day I was home alone while my mother was visiting a neighbor (again, let me stress, I would have been about three at this time), I noticed an unused jar of ginger in the cupboard.  A little lightblub went off: "I have ginger. I have bread.  I will make my own fucking gingerbread man."  I climbed on the kitchen table, opened a sack of bread, and began mashing out pieces of plain white bread into a man-shape.  I used every piece of bread and I think I covered most of the kitchen table.  I unscrewed the cap on the spice jar and dumped that shit on my gingerbread man.  Then I opened a wee box of raisins and stuck on eyes, a mouth, and buttons.  Then I sat down and waited for my mother to get home so that she could put him in the oven; baking, I was sure, was all I needed to make my gingerbread monster look like a _real_ gingerbread man.

My mother arrived home and laughed and laughed at my gingerbread man before abruptly smacking me upside the head and then beating the shit out of me because my mother was and is a dangerously unstable woman and I had an abusive childhood.  To this day when my mother tells this story, it is not "do you remember the time when you were little and you made a gingerbread man?" but "do you remember when you were little and I beat the shit out of you for making a gingerbread man?"

A lot of my childhood stories end this way.  Someday I'll tell you another!


----------



## Henry Bemis (Apr 5, 2014)

In my elementary school days, I was fascinated by man-made disasters and catastrophes, especially the Titanic and the Hindenburg. In regards to the latter, I was for some reason so driven to getting the insignia on the zeppelin's tail fins right, I filled up the entire back cover of my notebook trying-and eventually succeeding-at doing so.

I will remind you all that the Hindenburg's tail fins looked like this:


----------



## BOLDYSPICY! (Apr 5, 2014)

sm0t said:


> I had a pair of these god-awful sandals that were made of this clear, thick plastic/rubber mix that smelled funny, and had raised, hollow soles that made loud echoey _KA-CLOMP KA-CLOMP_ sounds when I walked on hard floors.  At the time I loved them but I'm sure I embarrassed the hell out of my parents when we were anywhere with tile/concrete floors.



Dude, I remember those! I think I had a pair when I was about 8.

When I was little, I had a crippling fear of showerheads.


----------



## MysticMisty (Apr 5, 2014)

In 3rd grade we did a project for St. Patrick's Day. We had to color a Leprechaun and then cut out and paste green objects and animals from magazines onto the pot of gold. Yeah that's not exactly a project you'd expect kids as old as 3rd graders to do, but I liked to color and it was a break from math so no complaints from me.

At any rate, when coloring my Leprechaun I realized I had no proper flesh-colored marker, and using a crayon just wasn't the same seeing as how I already did his clothes and hair in marker. So I figured what the hell, yellow is close enough, right? After that I wanted a good finishing touch for me Leprechaun and decided on freckles. A few freckles turned into a dozen, and then into several dozen, and kept snowballing from there. I figured it would be alright. I mean, how many red-heads do you see that don't have a fuckton of freckles.

In the end, between the yellow skin and the zillion freckles my Leprechaun looked like it was suffering from some terminal illness. And that still didn't stop me from hanging it on my bulletin board until the end of elementary school.


----------



## The Fair Lady (Apr 5, 2014)

I drew lipstick and eyelashes on everything I perceived as being female. One time we were coloring octopi in kindergarten and my teacher wouldn't let me, flat-out saying "Octopuses don't wear lipstick!" Bitch.


----------



## littlebiscuits (Apr 5, 2014)

R.A.E.L. said:


> I drew lipstick and eyelashes on everything I perceived as being female. One time we were coloring octopi in kindergarten and my teacher wouldn't let me, flat-out saying "Octopuses don't wear lipstick!" Bitch.



I know for a fact that they do.


----------



## exball (Apr 8, 2014)

I would climb steps four at a time.

No, wait, I do this now.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Apr 12, 2014)

^ my dad used to be able to go up 2 stairs at a time an I always tried to copy him, but failed miserably. 

---
I was 18, so just out of kiddom, but I remember trying to go to bed on 9/11 (well, it was more 4am, 9/12) and I was too scared to sleep with the light off! I remember I was even scared to sleep in my bed and at one point tried to sleep in my bathroom! Maybe I thought there was going to be another bigger attack. 

Oh I also thought that this was going to be the norm from now on, just a terrorist attack once a month.


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 14, 2014)

My dad was deaf in his left ear, so I developed a habit of always being to the right of other people .

When I was in the second grade, I got into a fight over a glittery pencil and ended up getting stabbed in the eyelid with it.

At around age four or five, I found a balloon with a sandbag tied to it, so I cut it open and poured all of the sand into my Barbie's tub. I have no idea why 

I once put my finger on the stove just to see what it felt like to be burned. When my mom was treating my burn she asked why I had my hand on the stove, so I lied and said I didn't know it was on.

I had a lot of resentment towards my older cousin. My grandmother was always going on about how much prettier she was than me, and how I needed to be more like her. So, one day when my cousin and I were sitting in the car, I tore a fist-sized chunk of her hair out


----------



## exball (Apr 14, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> I had a lot of resentment towards my older cousin. My grandmother was always going on about how much prettier she was than me, and how I needed to be more like her. So, one day when my cousin and I were sitting in the car, I tore a fist-sized chunk of her hair out


----------



## The Fair Lady (Apr 14, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> I once put my finger on the stove just to see what it felt like to be burned.


I'm pretty sure I did the same thing.

My grandfather on my mom's side had diabetes, and my cousins and I thought the word was hilarious. So we'd say "Pop Pop has diabeebee!" all the time without knowing what it was.

One time when my parents were watching a movie in the living room, I went into the kitchen for some reason and spotted a mouse trap. Being the genius that I was, I went for the cheese and the trap sprung on my finger.


----------



## pickleniggo (Apr 14, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> I had a lot of resentment towards my older cousin. My grandmother was always going on about how much prettier she was than me, and how I needed to be more like her. So, one day when my cousin and I were sitting in the car, I tore a fist-sized chunk of her hair out


That's hardcore! Did she ever forgive you?


----------



## telegramsamo (Apr 15, 2014)

pickleniggo said:


> That's hardcore! Did she ever forgive you?



Yes, fairly quickly iirc. We were always getting into fights about stupid stuff, and probably weren't the best people to be hanging out together. I was an instigator and she was a tattletale.

I remember she used to make us play terrible role playing "games." She would come up with these bad soap opera type plots and have us act them out. Whenever she watched a movie or a show she would "be" all the characters she liked, I got to be whatever character she didn't like. Once when we were watching _Full House_, she got to be D.J., Becky, Stephanie, and Michelle. I didn't even like playing, but I always got a little mad about it.


----------



## littlebiscuits (Sep 15, 2014)

I'm necro-ing this thread because facebook just reminded me me of an old note I published. I transcribed a page from a diary I kept in 1998 when I was almost nine years old. It's pretty incredible. 



> Orange is my favorite color. Because it looks so much like a fruit.Fruit is so tasty. I Love ORANGES AND ORANGE!!MY favorite drink is LEMONADE! It Snowed TODAY! B+!
> 
> DO You like POEMS BECAUSE I DO. Poems...
> 
> ...



(almost) Nine-year-old Biscuits was a special one. I was so hyper active I would actually run around _while _ I was writing in my diary. Eventually I learned to curb some of that energy into physical activities like running and gymnastics, but it was kinda intense for a while there.


----------



## Tootsie Bear (Sep 15, 2014)

I remember I liked the color purple because the better tasting cough syrup was purple. Also, Tommy Pickles had a purple band-aid, which I thought was cool as a kid.


----------



## cypocraphy (Sep 15, 2014)

When I was 4 I would make fun of my Mom's nose so much it actually caused her to get a nose job.


----------



## Mourning Dove (Sep 15, 2014)

I used to _want_ cavities as a kid because I thought the silver fillings looked cool. Turns out, I got my first-ever cavity as an adult.


----------



## Flowers For Sonichu (Sep 15, 2014)

When I was five, my Mom had cancer and underwent chemo and I would her wig off and laugh at her for being bald because I had no idea that she was sick.


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Sep 16, 2014)

When I was about three I ran down the hall with a chopstick in my mouth, tripped, and it stabbed into the roof of my mouth. I still have a little indentation in my mouth that I can feel with my tongue. 
When I was five I ran down the hall with a pillowcase on my head because of something I saw on Winnie the Pooh, tripped, and tore my knee on a broken plastic container. I still have that scar too. 
When I was 13 I ran down the hall because I don't even fucking know, hit one wall, flew into a doorway so that my knee hit the doorframe, and got a massive bruise just above my knee. 
I'm really kind of stupid sometimes.


----------



## sparklemilhouse (Sep 16, 2014)

Tootsie Bear said:


> I remember I liked the color purple because the better tasting cough syrup was purple.



Dimetapp!


----------



## Ariel (Sep 16, 2014)

I grabbed an electric fence with both hands, laughed and said something along the lines of 'this doesn't (hurt)' & got zapped.



sparklemilhouse said:


> Dimetapp!


The best part of being sick as a child.


----------



## LM 697 (Sep 16, 2014)

chimpchan said:


> I grabbed an electric fence with both hands, laughed and said something along the lines of 'this doesn't (hurt)' & got zapped.


----------



## Ariel (Sep 16, 2014)

CompyRex said:


>


I have a feeling this might have been why I did it. But there really is a moment where you are like 'lol pfft this isn't bad'


----------



## Mechanism Eight (Sep 16, 2014)

telegramsamo said:


> I once put my finger on the stove just to see what it felt like to be burned. When my mom was treating my burn she asked why I had my hand on the stove, so I lied and said I didn't know it was on.



I did this, but with a fucking _knife_ and the tip of my finger.

And then I accidentally got soap into the cut... Needless to say, the experience makes me a little bit uneasy around sharp knives even now.

I also doodled shit all the time on _everything_ when I was back in third or fourth grade. Stupid shit that in retrospect makes me want to cringe and maybe burn it all. Heck, most of the time, I was off in my own little world, which really scares me, now that I look back on it.

To be fair, my imagination has always been overactive, and it still is now. I've just learned how to restrain and focus it more.


----------



## Kamen Rider Black RX (Sep 16, 2014)

Try your whole hand...on a clothes iron.


----------



## Holdek (Sep 16, 2014)

I punched myself in the face once.


----------



## LM 697 (Sep 16, 2014)

"i posted on the cwcki forums" - spaps


----------



## MasterMan (Sep 16, 2014)

My older brother and I would sometimes pick on our youngest brother.
Once we brought him to a forest and offered him slugs and worms to eat claiming they were "buggy fruit snacks" I don't recall if he ate them or not. I think so.
We also shut him up in a suitcase once. But then we let him out


----------



## Holdek (Sep 17, 2014)

MasterMan said:


> My older brother and I would sometimes pick on our youngest brother.
> Once we brought him to a forest and offered him slugs and worms to eat claiming they were "buggy fruit snacks" I don't recall if he ate them or not. I think so.
> We also shut him up in a suitcase once. But then we let him out


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 17, 2015)

Sorry for the necro.

Commercials confused me when I was a little kid.  There would be a family, just doing normal things, when suddenly one of the adults would turn towards the screen and start talking about product X.

I somehow came to the conclusion that commercials where just something all adults did, so one day I decided to practice.

I went into my room, assembled some stuffed animals in a row, and started trying go tell them about toothpaste.  As soon as I started stumbling over my words, not knowing what to say, I realized that I had probably gotten the wrong idea.

Thank God the only ones privy to my weird childhood idea was a teddy bear and a Kermit instead of my parents.


----------



## Jaimas (Mar 17, 2015)

When I was like 19, there was this little child's bicycle that had been left to rot in Northport Park for like 2 years. Mark and I, in our infinite wisdom, chucked that bitch into the Long Island Sound. It was fucking hilarious. We got caught by the Parks Department though, who was enraged with us and demanded to know why we had thrown someone's bike in the water. After trying to explain that the bike had been abandoned since _forever_ ago, his rage came to a full stop when I offered to climb down and retrieve the bike, which was in like 2 feet of water and I could see from the shore and could have easily been grabbed. He told us the Parks Department would deal with it, and sent us on our way.

We'd go back from time to time. The bike never moved. We'd laugh about it, and how fucking hilarious that _still was_.

It remained there until, after about 12 years of being in the shallow salt water, it finally suffered critical existence failure when the storm surges from Hurricane Sandy obliterated the thing against the fucking rocks.


----------



## sm0t (Mar 18, 2015)

Kamen Rider Black RX said:


> Try your whole hand...on a clothes iron.



I did this once too.  I think I was 2-3.

I don't remember this next story myself but my mom still brings it up sometimes.  At around the same year as the iron incident, while playing outside I got the brilliant idea of standing on my Radio Flyer wagon while it was sitting on the gravel driveway.  As one would expect, it rolled out from underneath me and I landed chin-first onto the gravel.  I still have the scar.

When I as about 7-ish, I tried to stand on my head on the guest room bed at my parents' old house where I was watching a recorded VHS of some Ludwig von Drake cartoon that apparently gave me the brilliant idea.  Naturally I fell and launched myself off the bed, smacking myself in the face just half an inch from my left eye on the TV stand.  It still amazes me that I didn't lose an eye, though at the time I thought for sure that I was going to given all of the blood.  I still have that scar too.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 18, 2015)

I got mad at my mother once and told her I was going to run away from home. 

I had my getaway all planned out.  There was a Mexican restaurant down the street from our house, and it had a second story that was used for storage.  My plan was to go to the restaurant, sneak past the greeter, and then live in the upstairs of this restaurant, eating leftover tacos and tortilla chips after everybody left for the night.  And man, would my mom miss me!  She'd cry every night and she'd be sorry for making me angry!

So I informed my mother that I was leaving.  She offered to make me a sandwich.

That really took the incentive out of things, so I decided to just stay home.


----------



## A.Shitposter (Mar 18, 2015)

I didn't have any friends so I just played Pokémon with my toys and pretended to go on adventures and shit because my family was poor and I didn't own the videogames until YuGiOh and Digimon were gaining popularity.


----------



## Jewelsmakerguy (Mar 19, 2015)

One time, when I was five, I was at my cousin's house and he and I were playing on the stairs (or, more specifically, the landing between the first and second floors). Anyways, we were singing the chorus to "Macho macho Man" and leaning dangerously close to the edge said landing (the first floor was twelve steps down). When I did it, you can kinda guess what happened. Landed into a pile of shoes and broke my nose on the way down.

And this one other time, I accidentally sat on my middle finger and didn't realize I did so until I saw a bruise underneath the fingernail.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Mar 20, 2015)

I don't know how I managed to do it, but I'd seen a commercial or a trailer for "American Werewolf in London" when I was about five.  I think it was an advertisement on Cinemax.  

[youtube]ZCEnIp4NBjU[/youtube]

I got it into my head that "American Werewolf in London" was a documentary and I fully believed that I was going to turn into a werewolf at the next full moon.  I apparently drove my parents nuts because I would go into hysterics when the sun set.  I would literally pray every night to not turn into a werewolf.

I suddenly realized that I was wrong one night when I looked right at the full moon and nothing happened.


----------



## ToroidalBoat (Mar 20, 2015)

I mixed Skittles with milk, thinking it would turn into this awesome concoction (this was long before Homestar Runner had a similar idea).


Spoiler: The Result



It didn't turn out so well.


----------



## Yog-Spergoth (Mar 20, 2015)

Once, I packed up my Gameboy, some chips, and a book (essential survival equipment), and told my mom not to look for me because I was going to go out and find the Dragonballs.


----------



## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Mar 20, 2015)

My favorite recipes when I was a kid.
- Put croutons in a bowl. Cover with ranch dressing and bacon bits. Eat like cereal.
- Put M&Ms in a shallow bowl. Cover with water. Wait until the candy shell dissolves, then drink the sugar water and throw away the chocolate.
- Open pouch of taco seasoning. Eat taco seasoning. If taco seasoning is not available, substitute garlic powder or Molly McButter.


----------



## Apocalypso (Aug 20, 2015)

Lighting a whole firework box and making my friends run for their lives.


----------



## cumrobbery (Aug 20, 2015)

Putting super glue on my hand and then holding a toy gun. I really wanted to be a cyborg.


----------



## Jaimas (Aug 20, 2015)

Here's one for the record books. The following story and its references are true, though I'm obscuring names and exact locations to protect the innocent (and guilty).



Spoiler: Tales from the Jaimas Files



Years and years ago, I went to this one middle school. If you're not familiar, Long Island's middle schools are such a giant clusterfuck of mismanagement that we actually have DASA training, yearly, as a mandatory thing. For the uninitiated, DASA is the *D*ignity for *A*ll *S*tudents *A*ct. This is a law that essentially mandates that educational professionals can't fucking ignore acts of bullying and violence. If you're wondering why this became a law, it's because educational professionals in NY chose to ignore this particular problem until there was a rash of high profile suicides.

Just so you have some context of what we're getting into here.

So this middle school then. A bigger clusterfuck of a mismanaged dipshit-fest you would never find. The teachers were openly corrupt and would constantly abuse their authority - the kind of horse-shit that they'd _never_ get away with even half a decade later. We're talking openly lowering grades on papers and shit to keep kids below a certain grade average, suspending kids for ridiculously small offenses, and so on. This is atop brain-dead policies the district was fucking infamous for, such as an infamous (and equally asinine) policy that stated that if two kids got in a fight - even if one did nothing but get their asses kicked, both would get in equal trouble. Welcome to a situation where a kid would be beaten up and put in ISS (in-school-suspension) with his attacker, because _that's_ how this district's logic worked.

I was a smart kid, but not very social. I had a few close friends and I had _some_ level of faith in the system at this point.

That would pass quickly.

Many, many times I got to watch as I did everything I was supposed to - avoid fights, get teachers/aides when there was trouble, do my schoolwork, etc - and it wasn't enough. I learned over the course of the two years I attended that miserable excuse for a district that the system was not your friend, few, if any of the teachers could be trusted, and that if the school could find some way to do something incompetently, it would. Always. _Forever_.

Which brings me to the centerpiece of this tale, the vice-principal of the school. A man who was given his position despite _no qualifications whatsoever_, he was solely given the job because of who he knew and before it, was the metal shop teacher - a class no longer taught at the school. A bigger fuck-up at managing children _I have never met in my entire life_, and that's counting my nearly ten years working in this field as a Transportation specialist who has seen some stupid, _stupid_ things.

This man was, in the immortal words of Maddox, _as dumbfuck as shit in a pant_. If you want a run-down of some of his exploits prior to this incident, click the spoiler tag. When I say he's the kind of employee no school would _ever_ have now, I fucking mean it.



Spoiler: Litany of Failure




Once, two students during 4th-period Lunch got in a food fight. Nobody knew who was responsible, and nobody would admit to causing it. His solution? _Suspend the back half of the entire cafeteria,_ where the food fight took place, for the lunch period. The following day. Not only did this _not_ catch the offending party (believe me, after this, the offender was found _damned_ fast by the other students, who wanted to fuckstart the offender's head), but it successfully got across that the VP cared more about looking important than actually doing anything of relevance.
Banned running, most ball games except basketball and intramural football, handball, and pretty much any outdoor activity during lunch breaks. Suspend anyone who insisted on doing things like climb trees, play games like tag or dodgeball, etc. Complain afterwards when every kid worth their shit doesn't even bother going outside.
Suspended kids pretty much on a whim. He was infamous for it, often coming to classes of kids who were _suspected_ of wrongdoing and moving them to ISS, apropos of nothing. No oversight, no accusation, no discussion of facts - just physically dragged them to ISS. Again, the kind of shit he could never get away with now.

Directly connected to #3, would randomly put kids in random rooms and lock them in for lunch detentions if the main ISS room was booked up (which it _always_ was). Usually this was a conference room. Sometimes it was an office not currently in use. In one incident that made me an overnight celebrity, he locked me in the PA room, which is a soundproof room with a large console connected to the Public Announcement system. The microphone was plugged in. I used it to broadcast an announcement that the Vice Principal was a piece of shit. That was a _good day._
Habitually relied on people who were as fucked-up as he was. Had an administrative assistant who once, when he pulled his "get to ISS because I said so" shit, and I responded by pointing out that he had never actually accused me of anything, in a violation of my rights, grabbed me by the lapels, lifted me into the air, slammed me into a wall, and stated "you son of a bitch, you _have_ no rights." My mom rather disagreed with this notion when I told her, and he was disciplined by the district for this horse-shit.

Had a fucking _major_ attraction towards my mother, who personally wanted to stab him in the face. Was constantly doing things to try to get her to come to the school and his attraction towards her was about as subtle as OPL's affections towards Megan. Note that this VP was also _married_, the twisted fuck. Even my mom brought this shit up in an official meeting (see #.

See #6. I used to bring my Hamster into school once a week for my Bio class (we were studying mammals). Once, he claimed I brought the Hamster in when I shouldn't have, and confiscated it, refusing to return said pet until my mom showed up at the school (she worked on literally _the opposite end of the island_). Mom eventually went over his head and called the main Principal, who forced the VP to hand over the Hamster.
Again, See #6. Called mom constantly with every single update he could possibly think up about what a problem child young Jaimas was because gods forbid, he was drawing spaceships in class instead of paying attention, or because he chewed on a piece of paper as part of a joke and that was somehow disruptive. She got so many of these calls that HR was threatening to take disciplinary action against her if the calls didn't stop. VP insisted these updates were _crucial_. Mom goes over his head, to the Superintendent of Schools; threatens lawsuit; brings up creepy stalker-esque attraction to her by VP. *Calls stop overnight.*
In the vein of #8, attractive female students were known to get away with slaps on the wrist from this asshole. I've been told he had a few cases of sexual harassment under his belt with some of the Secretaries as well, though I never looked into this personally. _Classy_.



For literally 2 years, I had the displeasure of watching this pompous administrative fuckface personally be involved with making my life, and the lives of several people I cared about, a living hell. I'd watched repeatedly as this asshole run this school as his own personal fiefdom, and I was grateful I'd never again have to come back to this shithole. Kiwis, I have never known an environment that oppressive and that horrid to be around.

At the end of my 7th grade year, however, I was transferring to another district, and with that, there was something I had to do before I left. Something big. Something _justified_. I wanted _vengeance_. Nothing destructive, nothing violent. I wanted to get him for what he did, in the only way I could, and I worked out a plan.

I had a backpack that I got at camp a few years previous. This backpack was rubber-lined, and had a drawstring neck, which meant that it could hold pretty large objects, and was completely waterproof. That year, for my birthday, my Uncle had given me a Super Soaker XP75, a pretty big - but rather short-barreled - water gun that was the first in the XP series. Even better, it could be taken apart. The entire thing was _extremely_ compact when disassembled, and when fully worked out, was good to go. Even better, the XP75 would handily fit in the backpack in both modes.

The plan was extremely simple. Attend my last day of school normally. At the end of the school day, go to the bathroom. Use the faculty bathroom on the second floor, which was almost never locked and had proper water faucets. Assemble XP75. Load with hot (not scalding, just hot) water. Hide weapon in backpack.
_
Commence operation_. 

Taking a winding path, I went outside via the music wing, and, unslinging my backpack, walked over to the VP's window as I had done countless times before when I was trying to get him to do his fucking job. I pulled very close to the window, my bag below the lip of the windowsill, and opened the bag, knocking on the window. He opened it and we made small talk about the end of the year as I reached into my backpack, just out of view, wrapped my hand around the grip of the Super Soaker, and waited for my moment. Finally getting the top of the gun past the lip of the pack, and finding a good pause in the conversation, I interrupted him one last time.

_"By the way, there's something really important I needed to tell you before I go!" _I said dripping with false nicety.

_"What's that?" _He asked.

_"This is for two years of hell, you son of a bitch!"_ And with that, I opened fire through the window.

I nailed him right in the groin and sputtering, he ran out the room as I hosed him down. The assassination completed, I stowed the weapon, swung my pack onto my back, and walked across the football field towards the shopping center._ "Nicely done_," I thought. _"Evil is punished._"

About halfway there, I heard a loud impact. It was him. He had kicked the music wing door open in a fit of rage, and he was now running my way, bald head red as a traffic light.

Fleeing, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I originally ran for a hole in the fence - only to see, to my horror, that the hole in the fence was being occupied by some of the same assholes I had fought with all year. I didn't fancy my chances getting past them with the VP in hot pursuit. Panicking, I broke off to the right, my heart pounding in balls-out _terror_, and quickly wound up in a corner as I approached the chain-link fence.

Running on pure adrenaline, I climbed the fence after throwing my pack over it, got to the top, threw myself over, and landed hard, right as he was about to catch up to me. He wasn't able to climb it, and I had a few precious moments. I forced myself, painfully, to my feet, grabbing my pack with one hand, and ran for all I was worth, running past the shopping center, looking back when I got about halfway across the lot.

The chase wasn't over.

I looked and he had forced his way past the hole in the fence. With him closing on me rapidly, I took a hell of a gamble and ran through oncoming traffic. He hesitated, waiting for the red light, and I hauled ass to the parking lot of the nearby gas station, rounded the corner, and hid in a bush near a block of stores. He followed, ran right past my position, and after looking for me for about a minute, left. I breathed long and painfully as I saw him cross the street, feeling in all the world like I'd just escaped with my life. I remember staying in that bush for what felt like an hour, but was really only 20 minutes or so, before I began the long walk home.


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## cumrobbery (Aug 20, 2015)

@Jaimas 
No seriously that was probably the awesomest thing I've read all year


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## Jaimas (Aug 20, 2015)

cumrobbery said:


> @Jaimas
> No seriously that was probably the awesomest thing I've read all year



I'll probably post some other stories sometime. Like any decent old person, I've got a lot of fun stories you kids might enjoy.


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## Apocalypso (Aug 20, 2015)

Went as Rambo on Halloween once and threatened every household with a big-ass machine gun to give me treats.



Spoiler



Wasn't a real gun but still was convincing


----------



## Germanicus (Aug 20, 2015)

Tried to cut myself a slice of chicken and sliced my right ringfinger instead. The scar is here to stay.


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## BOLDYSPICY! (Aug 20, 2015)

At five years old, I decided I wanted to be a professional wrestler. I used to run around my house shirtless because "wrestlers didn't wear shirts." I also drew Mario "comics." The only one I can remember doing looked something like this:



 


Spoiler: compare to


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## Bugaboo (Aug 21, 2015)

I drew faces on playground gravel and "adopted" them out to my class mates.
It was the hot shit let me tell you


----------



## Pocoyo (Aug 21, 2015)

I would stuff play-doh up my nose, and then eat it.


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## Apocalypso (Aug 22, 2015)

Scared my school principal with a Freddy Krueger mask and made him spill his coffee all over his shirt.


----------



## Senior Spielbergo (Aug 22, 2015)

When I was 8, the kids in my class thought "hump" was a fancy word for "kick", so I went around putting "hump me" signs on peoples' backs.


----------



## AnOminous (Aug 22, 2015)

I would set shit on fire.  Like everything.  I was a little pyro.

My parents solved this by assigning me the job of building the fire in the fireplace every night in winter.  

I was cured, all right.


----------



## Dr. Tremolo (Aug 23, 2015)

I thought a "pedophile" was some sort of type of a professor, and reading newspapers I was confused and curious why do so many of them get arrested.


----------



## KFC (Aug 23, 2015)

In 3rd grade, I typed a Top 10 list about reasons I hated this kid in my class.


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## Lunete (Aug 23, 2015)

Spoiler











My grandparents live in the country and down the street from their house there is a random gate similar to this picture. Any way when I was about 10 my first cousin managed to convince me that beyond the trees there was a house where a man named Jason lived and he would murder anyone that entered. It took me a few months to realize who Jason was.


----------



## Roger Rabbit (Aug 23, 2015)

Well..... I was super into politics when I was younger. Whenever I saw somebody with a sign in their yard of whichever elected official I agreed with, and this was on Halloween mind you, I would thank them for making a good choice.


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## Bugaboo (Aug 23, 2015)

In 8th grade everyone really liked using the word "ghetto" so we were deciding what theme to make graduation and we all wanted ghetto theme and our teacher had to tell us that ghetto means poor neighborhoods often with a lot of violence and drug shit and then she told us that one of her friends grew up in a ghetto and she got shot by a pimp or something and then years later she took her to drive by her house to show her where she grew up and some kid was like "Why, was she proud of it" and we all laughed our asses off because everyone in class hated our teacher.

We got to go with ghetto theme for our graduation btw


----------



## Apocalypso (Aug 23, 2015)

Did crank calls to the phone operator pretending to be Ghostface.


----------



## Abethedemon (Aug 24, 2015)

Wrote weird stories and joke books with strange titles such as "attack of the evil evolving jokes" and "evil lurks"


----------



## Overcast (Aug 27, 2015)

I remember as a little kid I saw how Bugs Bunny liked to smooch people to annoy them in a lot of his cartoons.

So I decided to do the same and smooch a bunch of the girls ( and possibly boys too) in my class.

That ended rather quickly from what I remember.

I think I was also told to eat a piece of newspaper by one of the other kids back in third grade and I did.


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## Bugaboo (Aug 27, 2015)

My friend was offended by a comic I made in which a man gets smothered by a trees giant boobies and he said he wasn't gonna be my friend anymore unless I destroy the comic
So I ate the whole page and swallowed it
We're still friends btw


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## Bungleboy (Aug 27, 2015)

I used to draw eyes on the head of my pecker with a marker and make the urethra open and shut like a little mouth.

I'd have a little quiet conversation with the dick puppet when no one was looking.


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## Kataomoi00 (Aug 27, 2015)

I used to freeze my toys when I was a little kid. I would literally stick my barbies in giant cups of water and put those cups in the freezer so they would freeze. I thought that was the most fun thing ever to do...

I used to also tie my toys to balloons so that I could watch them "fly".

The first Harry Potter movie came out when I was in elementary school, so after I watched the movie I'd pretend that I'd be able to get to Hogwarts by running into walls (ala platform 9 3/4).

I used to walk on my heels a lot, too. I was a weird kid.


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## Apocalypso (Aug 27, 2015)

Hid under my GF's bed one night when she had friends over her house and scared the shit out of her when I grabbed her ankles.


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## MerriedxReldnahc (Aug 28, 2015)

Kataomoi00 said:


> I used to freeze my toys when I was a little kid.


That reminds me of something I did as a kid; I slept with a blankie though for some reason I didn't like it to be warm. Sometimes I would put it in the freezer an hour or so before bed so it would be nice and cold.


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## Unironic Subversiveness (Aug 28, 2015)

My mom got me that Johnson's "No Tears" shampoo when I was tiny and I decided to test that theory by pouring it directly in my eye without a second thought. I was not allowed the fancy "No Tears" shampoo after that.

I also refused to chew my food until I was about four. Because I was afraid of choking. So my parents would have to cut up my food into the tiniest bites. I had one box of Oreo's cereal in my life. I never chewed one piece and my dad had to do the Heimlich on me twice. I also cried and freaked out a year later about having to take pills.

One time, I was dangling my arm out of a van door and slammed my arm in it. My mom said I looked her dead in the eye and started to scream like it was her fault. I also told my mom I wanted a new mom. And (accidentally) stomped on her feet when she had ingrown toenails in all ten of her toes. Then I made fun of her for having "mummy toes" when she had to get all of them yanked out. I was a dick to my mom.


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## AnOminous (Aug 28, 2015)

Unironic Subversiveness said:


> My mom got me that Johnson's "No Tears" shampoo when I was tiny and I decided to test that theory by pouring it directly in my eye without a second thought. I was not allowed the fancy "No Tears" shampoo after that.



As horrifying as that sounds, you have to admire her dedication to empirical evidence.

Incidentally, I once poured this shit directly in my eyes after reading that label, too.  I never did that again.  Or trusted labels.


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## Shadow Fox (Aug 28, 2015)

I loved sleeping with stuffed animals so much that my parents had to limit how many I dragged to bed with me (3).  As I laid in bed before falling asleep I would envision these fantastic scenarios where my toys and I were, like, on a raft in the ocean or floating on a river of lava and I had to protect them from falling over the edge.  When I inevitably shoved them out of bed during the night and woke up to find them on the floor, I would suddenly remember that we were supposed to be in the middle of the ocean or whatever and scramble to pull them back onto the bed before they "drowned."

When we were in junior high or so my sister and I made a handful of tapes of us hosting a "radio show." We made up commercials for fake products/businesses/movies, we had station IDs, and we'd play fabulous early '90s music.  I think my sister had the tapes, last I knew, so they've probably disappeared into the ether.


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## Witlich (Nov 18, 2015)

At around age seven at home, I fell down a flight of stairs. It didn't hurt, and I was unharmed. I thought it was fun and got the bright idea to purposefully _throw_ myself down them to do it again. It hurt that time!

Gods, I was such a retarded kid back then.


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## AN/ALR56 (Nov 19, 2015)

One time my kitty gave birth to a litter
Let's say I put the terrified kittens in to a open shoebox,used a knife to cut bullet holes with them inside (no I dint hurt them) and played a cat version of the d-day landings.
I used the black ones as Germans soldiers
I used a blue blanket as the sea and a yellow pillow as the beach, I made a inverted shoebox into a bunker.
Just like star trek TNG, my cats refused to obey simple commands and desperately tried to flee the set,meowing with large confused and desperate eyes.


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## Wildchild (Nov 19, 2015)

When I was a kid then I used to run into walls purposely, because I saw a character in a cartoon walk into a wall and I thought it would be fun to run straight into a wall. 

I wasn't the smartest kid, but I've gotten really good at walking into walls without my fight or flight mechanism kicking in and stopping, and often find myself walking into walls as an adult without meaning to.


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## AN/ALR56 (Nov 19, 2015)

Wildchild said:


> When I was a kid then I used to run into walls purposely, because I saw a character in a cartoon walk into a wall and I thought it would be fun to run straight into a wall.
> 
> I wasn't the smartest kid, but I've gotten really good at walking into walls without my fight or flight mechanism kicking in and stopping, and often find myself walking into walls as an adult without meaning to.


After playing assasins creed and mirrors edge in 2008
I always tried to do the parkour thingy and failed miserably


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## Goofy Logic (Nov 19, 2015)

When I was a kid, me and bicycles were a dangerous mix (Well, actually, me and _anything_ were a dangerous mix, but I digress). I can think of two tales where my stupidity with bikes got me in serious trouble.

*The Hardhat*
When I was about 5 or 6, our driveway was a small incline, and I would talk my bike up it and scoot down to the house.  Dad was digging up the front of the house to pour a sidewalk, and had a form set up.

Mom yelled at me that if I was to ride my bike, I had to have my helmet on.  Not wanting to go into the house and get my helmet, I went to Dad's worktruck and put on his hardhat.  I then went to the very top of the driveway, and went down.

Mom watched in horror as I crashed_ full speed into the forming and fly headfirst into the rebar._ Thankfully, inertia caused the hardhat to flip over my face and prevented what probably would have been serious injury, though I got a wicked nosebleed out of it.


*The Apehangers*
When I was in my early teens I took the handlebars off of a old 70's bike that had those apehanger handlebars


Spoiler: Like these



https://sneed-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/6d/05/1e/6d051e14f0230ef0a2c49c8c91731923.jpg



I thought it would be fun to put it on my mountain bike.  Being super lazy, I took the original handlebars off and wedged them onto the apehangers so they would not move.

_Or so I thought..._

I went down a small hill, then the apehangers  loosened and pivoted upside down. This put me in a perfect position to watch the original handlebars, hanging by the brake and shifter cables, bouncing against the front wheel.  I only got a few abrasions from the crash, but the bike's front wheel and forks were ruined.  I didn't have a bike after that.


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## admiral (Nov 19, 2015)

When I was about four I decided that I only liked to eat dog biscuits, specifically Bonios. I kept it up for a good two months before my parents put a stop to it.
I went to my some big important event with my parents around the same time and my parents had bought me this (probably quite expensive) new dress. It was yellow and white and had a bunch of flowers on it, and I hated it. I screamed and screamed when they put it on me and eventually they just let me wear shorts and a t shirt underneath. Still unsatisfied, I rectified the situation by fucking about with a bunch of felt tips and getting dark blue ink all over myself just in time for the official photographs. The dress was removed, and I never saw it again.


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## MalWart (Nov 20, 2015)

When I was 4, I had shoved this really tiny bead up my nose, and it stayed in there for over a day. I don't know why I even did it. 

There was also a period (around the same age) in which I would dissect some of the ants that crawled around our house. Kinda funny in hindsight since I now find ants to be more of a nuisance than an amusement.


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## Bork Laser (Nov 20, 2015)

When i was little I stuck my foot into a toy fire truck because i wanted to roller skate. My foot got stuck and my mom freaked out. The real fire department had to show up and get it off my foot.


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## moorhen (Nov 20, 2015)

When I was small, I saw an episode of The Rugrats where they fill up the house to make it into a swimming pool, so I grabbed all the throw pillows and tastefully scattered them around, and when my mum went next door to ask the neighbours something, I took a hose pipe upstairs to the bathroom, leaving one end in the living room, and attached it to the tap and turned it on. 

It did not work. The carpet was wet for days.


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## The Colonel (Nov 20, 2015)

I used to imagine my right hand and left hand were in constant competition with each other.


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## Bluebird (Nov 20, 2015)

I used to rub sand into my hair from the roadside because i enjoyed picking the grains out later on. I also used to wrap my bionicles in aluminum foil, dip them in water, and put them into the freezer to pretend that i was excavating them from a glacier or something. Also burying them in sand and digging them up later. They must have hated me.


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## Oglooger (Nov 20, 2015)

BOLDYSPICY! said:


> At five years old, I decided I wanted to be a professional wrestler. I used to run around my house shirtless because "wrestlers didn't wear shirts." I also drew Mario "comics." The only one I can remember doing looked something like this:
> View attachment 43854
> 
> 
> Spoiler: compare to



That reminds me when I was around six-seven and would draw comics of video game characters fighting to the death.
I remember finding one of Mario vs Sonic, where Mario would shoot Sanic's llimbs off and then decapitate him or something, I should find it and scan it.


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## Guzzlord (Nov 22, 2015)

I tried to incubate a chicken egg i found on a farm.


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## Positron (Nov 23, 2015)

When I was six or seven I saw an ad where people used Toblerone chocolate bar as harmonicas.  I really believed that and harassed my parents to buy me one.  I don't remember what happened next.


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## Abethedemon (Nov 23, 2015)

I would make shitty mash-ups of songs and dance around shirtless to them.


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## gophergoober (Nov 23, 2015)

I dressed up as Daniel Boone and I took my red ryder BB gun to school. (this was before columbine) and shot a few kids on the playground with it before the assistant principle took it away and gave it to me unloaded after school. (he didn't even call my parents). I also used to run around playing Mogadishu with friends playing as the rangers and pretending to kill skinnies (Africans), they called my parents for that.


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## RichardDripp (Nov 23, 2015)

Oh gosh, the stupid things I did as a kid. I can go on for days.

Here's a good one. In second grade, Michael Jackson and his album Thriller was very popular. During a spelling test, a thunder storm was outside and it inspired me to start singing the song. With all the wrong lyrics, of course. Everybody laughed, and I was sent away to the office.


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## autisticdragonkin (Nov 23, 2015)

I was at my grandmothers funeral and I lectured everyone on why they shouldn't care that she died since she was in heaven


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## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Nov 24, 2015)

When I was about twelve I was picking my ear with the blunt end of a cheap ballpoint pen, and the little tip that holds the ink in place came off and lodged in my ear canal. I eventually dug it out with a roach clip.


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## bradsternum (Nov 24, 2015)

Went to church.


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## Silver (Nov 24, 2015)

Silver was a strange child.



Spoiler: A lot of fucking stories



-I used to collect little plastic figures of Dalmatians since I had a long-lasting obsession with the movie 101 Dalmatians. I brought several of them to school one day and specifically recess, but we weren't allowed to have toys at recess so I hid them all in the woodchips and didn't do anything with them until the end of recess when I got them out of the woodchips and went back in to class.

-My friend and I used to talk about Hamtaro at recess, but we didn't want anyone to know that's what we were talking about, so we just called them "You-know-whats".

-Chipped a front tooth in fifth grade. I took my nametag lanyard and tied it to the monkey bars so I could sit on it. It broke and I managed to catch the monkey bar in time to avoid falling on my ass, but I didn't stop myself from swinging my face into the bar.

-Lopped off a couple inches of hair on only one side of my head for no apparent reason at Girl Scouts once.

-Cut a hole in my pants (at the knee) for no apparent reason at Girl Scouts once.

-Trapped my cats in all sorts of small spaces to see what they would do. (I love my cats, but I love experimentation more.)

-I was a fucking Inventor when I was a kid, and here are three of the great things I did:
1) Created a water slide in my backyard (we had/have a swimming pool, but no slide) by taking the slide on my wooden playset and putting the end of it on top of a metal tub, filling the tub with water and running the sprinkler to the top of the slide.
2) I went to visit my cousins, and we were building an igloo at the top of the hill in her backyard. Well, we ran out of snow since the top layer of the ground covering was snow and the bottom was ice, so I invented a pulley system utilizing a couple trees and rigged a sled to it, so we could fill the sled with snow at the bottom of the hill and pulley it up to the top.
3) In elementary school I decided I didn't want to go downstairs for breakfast, so I rigged another pulley on the staircase rail that had a cup attached to it, which I would put my breakfast preference in and send down for my parents. (It didn't last long.)
4) It was fun to have my babysitter drag me around the wooden kitchen floor on a blanket. But she couldn't do this all the time, so I tried to invent a method to get like rubber bands and shit to catapult me around the floor. It didn't work well.
5) Worked with my mom to create a Ferris wheel for my little dalmatian figures to ride in. Why? I don't know.

-Right before I moved to where I live now, it snowed. My next-door-neighbor and I decided to bury her snowglobe that she got from Disney World in the snow. Well, for whatever reason, we couldn't find it again. At the age of 6, I freaked because I worried that when the snow melted, _so would the snowglobe!_ We moved, like, the very next day, so I was not there to witness its rediscovery.

-I used to play animal shit with friends a lot. One time, a friend's sister told me that I had to take the collar off my dog plush in order to play. I had an autistic fit and threw a toy that I'd gotten earlier that day down the stairs. (It broke.)

-Pulled all the tape out of a cassette tape once at the age of, like, 5. I knew you could wind the tape back into the cassette if a little came out, so I figured you could wind it if I pulled all of it out, and because of that I took extra care to make sure the tape didn't rip from the cassette!! But, uh, you can't wind that much tape back in.

-Used to record myself with this toy tape recorder I have. I'd record myself singing, playing trumpet (right after I started learning it), and... talking about my life in the event I was ever able to time travel. I made this whole huge tape of "Things to Keep in Mind/Fix if you Ever Go Back in Time" and I updated it through, like, high school. My best friend (whom I've been friends with since 2nd grade, 2002) and I still refer to this giant collection (which I still have) as The Tapes. And nobody but me and her are allowed to listen to The Tapes.

-Wrote a sign when I was a kid that said "NO BOYS ALLOWED IN MY FORT EXCEPT MY BOYFRIENDS" - plural. A few years ago, I found this in The Box (a giant box containing all sorts of projects, papers, etc that I did as a kid) and promptly stuck it to my bedroom door. It is still there.

-Climbed around on the inside of the water slide at the local community pool and did a bunch of dangerous shit in there (like jumping in directly after other people).

-My mom tells me that when I was real little, I had an autistic fixation on the Seven Dwarves from Snow White. I had a set of seven, plus a Dopey from a different set, that I would line up, real nice and neat, on the table, and I'd put Odd-Dopey-Out there, except I'd knock him over. He was allowed to be there, but he wasn't. My parents promptly treated this like a parlor trick for others (especially my one uncle) when they visited: if I set up the Dwarves set, when I left the room they'd surreptitiously put the Dopey back upright, and when I next came into the room - it wouldn't matter WHAT I was doing or where my attention was, I'd inevitably notice the Dopey, knock him down, and go back to not paying any attention to the Dwarves set. I remember none of this.

-I composed a song that consisted of the titles of all the Magic Tree House books in order so that I could remember them. I still remember the goddamn melody for the first 10 books.

-I also did this for the names of the Hamtaro characters in alphabetical order. (That one was less of a song since it used like 3 pitches though.)

-I SLEPT WITH A FUCKING BOARD GAME BOX. This. I slept with this thing standing upright next to me for a _while._ Except the Milton-Bradley logo scared me, so I'd put my blankie over it to cover up the logo.

-In this vein, I had a short period of sleeping with _everything I owned that was dalmatian-related_ in the bed. All my stuffed animals. Multiple books. The VHS box.

-It should be noted that my bed (which I still have) is a single bed, so there is not much room for any of this.

-My aforementioned best friend and I played Beanie Baby Battles, where we (and her two siblings) would each take 16 beanie babies, give them 10 HP and two Pokémon-style type attacks, and battle, tournament-style, for the honor of the best beanie baby. We did this multiple times.

-Up until _the present fucking day_, when I get bored, I will take paper and attempt to name all the Pokémon from memory. (This was easier when there were only 386 of them.) There was also a time when I'd try to name all the cats ever mentioned in the Warrior Cats series (a number in the hundreds), again from memory.

-People liked to tease me (but I didn't really interpret it as teasing) in middle school about my obsessive love of Warrior Cats. They claimed to be fans of the series, but they _weren't_, so I wrote up a multiple choice quiz and gave it to them and made them take it to prove they weren't Warrior Cats fans.

-Similarly, in second grade, I wrote a story about the Dalmatians going to school and doing all the shit that I as a second-grader was actually doing and wrote multiple-choice questions about it. _And printed out twenty-some copies and gave them to everyone in my class._

-Oh yeah, I cried at the first Harry Potter movie. And by that, I mean I cried when Harry's parents died at the _beginning_, and continued crying for the rest of the movie, and _came home from the movie still in tears._ (It took me several years to actually read the series after that.)

-In sixth grade, my best friend (she shows up a lot), her next-door-neighbor friend, and another friend of ours would get bored at recess, so we'd play The Stick Game. We would gather three sticks, of different lengths, and hide them behind our backs while the fourth guessed the sizes. It had a lot of variations, but it was ultimately the same Stick Game, and we played this game for _months_ without fail at recess. Don't fucking ask me how doing this for a half hour every day was even remotely entertaining.

-Totally thought that people on the Internet who were being mean to me when I was 11 were the same as the _real_ people who were being mean to me at school.

-Doodled on my 3rd grade teacher's desk. In Sharpie. (Poorly.) Got in a lot of trouble for that one.

-When I was a kid, during the middle of my long-lasting Dalmatians phase, I was also obsessed with Hamtaro. The plot of Ham-Ham Heartbreak was that an evil dude named Spat is trying to destroy all hamsters' love, and it's up to you to stop him!! Well, I liked Spat better than his good counterpart Harmony, and I came up with all sorts of ridiculous backstories for Spat explaining why he is the way he is. But, like I said, I sympathized with him. So did my cousin (who had never played Hamtaro). We decided, then, that it was necessary to break our younger sisters' "love" by telling lies to them and trying to make them think they hated each other, just like Spat.

One of my favorites:

-I used to go to a daycare even well past the point I didn't need to, because my mom worked there and because they had a _Nintendo 64_ there. Well, one day when I was there, me and a girl about my age were getting pissed at this younger boy. So we set a trap for him. We prepared the air-hockey table such that the bottom sides of it were all blocked off, and we came up with this plot for a play where an evil witch (me) captures a newborn child (my 4-year-old sister, meaning I was 9/10) from the queen (the other girl). We then said, as part of the plot, that we need a brave prince to rescue the princess - of course, the boy fell for it, so he approached the witch, and I told him that in order to rescue the princess, he must crawl under _there_ and pointed to the air-hockey table, so he crawled under and we shoved a box full of dress-up clothes in front of it, preventing his escape, and then sat there taunting him while he got upset and maybe even cried (and eventually pushed his way out).

I was a great child.


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## Dr. Meme (Nov 24, 2015)

my pastor


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## MerriedxReldnahc (Nov 24, 2015)

Silver said:


> Silver was a strange child.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


All these stories are awesome, but I love the Beanie Baby Battle the most.


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## Enjoy your spaghetti (Nov 25, 2015)

I thought sex was invented in the 60's and tried to figure out how babies were conceived before they figured it out some time that decade. 

My grandma told me not to play outside after dark or the gypsies would take me away. So every once in a while, I'd pack a bag of toys and a snack while I waited for them. They never came. 

You know how Santa leaves lumps of coal for misbehaving kids? I thought poor kids were bad so they could heat their homes for the year and would be super disappointed by a Power Wheels or Sega Genesis instead.


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## Unironic Subversiveness (Nov 26, 2015)

When I was about one or two, I would lean on the child gate in front of the top of the steps before my parents called me down and/or moved me away. One day I was apparently shoving my full weight against the gate and as my mom was running up to get me, the gate collapsed and I proceeded to sled downstairs. So there's my mom, worried I'm dead or seriously hurt, and then I sit up and just _laugh my ass off. _It was great fun, apparently.

I also didn't start speaking until I was three. I said "book" one time before that and clapped my hand over my mouth like I'd said something awful. When I did start speaking, I couldn't say the words crayon, girl or woods correctly, because I spoke in a little accent. So instead it was cray-oh, gil and voods. I also crawled backwards. My parents were very genuinely worried I was retarded.

I remember telling my nana her skin reminded me of snake skin. I really did mean it as a compliment. My nana, who as an aside is terrified of snakes, was less than flattered.


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## RV 229 (Nov 28, 2015)

When I was six I called 911 because the babysitter left me alone with her kid (also six) and my infant sister.


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## AnOminous (Nov 28, 2015)

Cyan said:


> When I was six I called 911 because the babysitter left me alone with her kid (also six) and my infant sister.



That's not silly, though.


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## RV 229 (Nov 28, 2015)

AnOminous said:


> That's not silly, though.


I did however, forget to tell my parents for a few days that my sister was left with us. It was a detail I simply forgot at the time so I ended up being in trouble for a few days for playing with the phone.


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## Bugaboo (Nov 29, 2015)

I used to have to sleep holding all my stuffed animals in my arms and I had a shit ton of them

I went to Disney World bought this toy





(Roughly about 2.5 feet long, stuffed and covered in rubber)
I slept with it for years and it's still in my closet and I still love it but I don't sleep with it anymore but I still hug the blanket.
It stunk so much like rubber, my mother hated it and I don't know if it still smells like rubber


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## The Great Citracett (Dec 1, 2015)

Was getting a snack at work and remembered this:

In middle school, friends and I would always get super excited when a good snack or drink was in slot C4 in the vending machine, because we'd enter the button combo and then make a cool explosion noise.  Because C4.

Not gonna lie, I'm almost 30 and I'll still think of that explosion sound each time I hit that button combo.


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## TheMightyMonarch (Dec 3, 2015)

When I was about 5, there was this lice epidemic going around at the pre school I attended. I didn't get it but I remember some of my friends got it and had to be sent home early because of it, which made me super jealous because I didn't get any attention nor did I get sent home early because I was fine. So one day I found some ants in the grass, so I tried to pick some of them up and put them in my hair so that I "had lice." I then showed my mom and she obviously didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, so she laughed at me. 

As a kid, I knew what sex was but I didn't know what exactly happens in regards to sex. All I know it involved a man and a woman. So when I played with my barbies and they would "have sex", I would pretty much grind my barbie doll and ken doll (or another male doll, I think I had a Hercules one) together like I was making fire. Oh and a lot of the "games" I played with my barbies were really inappropriate. Like they either strippers, hookers, or just sluts that cheated on their husbands all the time.


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## amandahugenkiss (Dec 3, 2015)

As a kid, I used to believe that the Ninja Turtles were real and lived in the attic of my mother's friend's pawnshop. So every time we'd drop over for a visit I'd excitedly run up the stairs, throw the door open and start looking for them, thinking they were just hiding in the many, many boxes being stored up there. I was a little heartbroken whenever I didn't find them (which was all the time) but I never gave up and continued to look for Leonardo, Raphael and co. so I could be friends with them.


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## grilledcheesesandwich (Dec 4, 2015)

I used to draw weird symbols and try to make up my own language. It was... _interesting,_ I guess.


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## sm0t (Dec 4, 2015)

After seeing the Gargoyles movie, I tried to start a fan club with other kids in my 2nd grade class by putting up a CWC-style "attraction sign" at my desk in the hopes of finding friends that have also seen and enjoyed the movie.  I only got odd looks and other kids sniggering at me. 

This next story is one from my other half, who gave me permission to write this.  Back in the days where the Encarta encyclopedia CD roms were still a thing (and back when his parents wouldn't let him install most computer games because they were afraid that hackers from Guam would get their credit card information [shit you not those were their words]), my husband used one to print out pages from the software to read later, so that he "wouldn't lose them," still being too young to understand that the information is always going to be there unless the CD got damaged.  And he would print 20+ pages at a time, complete with full page images.  This was also back when printer ink still cost your mortgage and first-born child, so of course his dad wasn't exactly thrilled about what he was doing.


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## Micheal Scarn (Dec 7, 2015)

I used to think that just saying "ching chong" was actually speaking Chinese (I was in, like, grade one), so I would actually try and communicate with my Chinese classmates like that.


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## Haltmann (Dec 7, 2015)

When I was really young I guess I didn't understand how toilets worked, so I would get the little bathroom cups, fill them with water, and then dump it in the toilet. When I told my parents I was going to give the toilet a drink, they were just like "okay you go do that. Whatever."


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## Bogs (Dec 7, 2015)

When I learned that McDonald's were the primary cause of the destruction of the rain forests, I wouldn't throw out the paper on the tray to play my part. Not knowing this did absolutely nothing.


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## Bugaboo (Dec 7, 2015)

This kid in kindergarden told me a girl got a knife lodged in the top of her head and to get it out they had to cut her head off and then sew it back on. I'm not sure why they would have to cut her head off since like pulling it out by the handle would be the more sensible option but I believed it for several years and it scared me


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## AnOminous (Dec 7, 2015)

Bugaboo said:


> This kid in kindergarden told me a girl got a knife lodged in the top of her head and to get it out they had to cut her head off and then sew it back on. I'm not sure why they would have to cut her head off since like pulling it out by the handle would be the more sensible option but I believed it for several years and it scared me



That girl?  

Brianna Wu.


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## Apocalypso (Dec 8, 2015)

Stripped to my underwear in class, set my clothes on the table, hid under it, stuck my head out and convinced the teacher that I had melted away when he came in.


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## meatslab (Dec 8, 2015)

One year for Christmas when I was 5 my mom bought me a big Barbie dream house, several Barbies, custom made clothes, and a large, realistic plastic salmon toy. Guess which one I liked more? 

Later on I'd play with the house, but only when I'd make my toy animals kill Barbie and her friends and take her house.


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## Durable Mike Malloy (Dec 8, 2015)

For whatever reason, my mom didn't buy aluminum foil when I was little. When I'd visit other people's houses, I was entranced by this marvelous substance and would try and get pieces to bring home. I'd wrap my Barbies in foil and pretend they were astronauts or knights. 

I actually learned how to draft patterns and make clothes because my "Barbies" were really old Mary Poppins and Tammy dolls from the 60s, so normal Barbie clothes wouldn't fit them. When I decided to apply my newfound skills and cut up all my bedsheets to make cool outfits for my sister and me, that...didn't go over very well.


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## Haltmann (Dec 8, 2015)

This reminded me of how I chewed on my Barbie's feet. All my Barbies had teeth marks on their feet.


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## Unironic Subversiveness (Dec 8, 2015)

Oh my God, another Barbie foot chewer. I would literally sit and watch movies or draw or read with a Barbie sticking out of my mouth as I gnawed on their feet. My girlfriend and I were going through some of my old childhood things one time and she was so confused/concerned when she saw the mangled feet.

I also had one Ken doll and a million Barbies, so I would either pretend he was in love with all of them or his slaves (haha wat). After a while I got bored with that and turned my Barbie house into a lesbian colony.


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## Haltmann (Dec 9, 2015)

Oh yeah I remembered something from kindergarten. I remember doodling in class and the girl next to me drew a cute little rainbow. I wanted to draw a rainbow too, but I was a dumbass and I thought that to draw a rainbow all you really need are a bunch of colors. So I just scribbled all the colors into a big blob and it was a mess. She told me my rainbow was ugly and I got mad.


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## Innocuous (Dec 10, 2015)

When I was 8, I killed carpenter ants and put the bodies in a plastic container with water. I sealed it tight and put it behind a hole in a desk. Serial killer shit, man. There were a bunch in there. My mom found it just two years ago.


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## autisticdragonkin (Dec 10, 2015)

Innocuous Banter said:


> When I was 8, I killed carpenter ants and put the bodies in a plastic container with water. I sealed it tight and put it behind a hole in a desk. Serial killer shit, man. There were a bunch in there. My mom found it just two years ago.


How many years were they hidden?


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## Innocuous (Dec 11, 2015)

autisticdragonkin said:


> How many years were they hidden?



About ten or eleven years maybe.


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## littlebiscuits (Dec 12, 2015)

When I was 7 I did a science report on temperature. Fine, fine, normal second grade homework stuff, but I was so MAD that no adult could look at my awesome presentation poster without bursting into laughter. The reason? I drew a thermometer that looked like a giant dick with come shooting out.


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## MalWart (Dec 12, 2015)

When I was either 4 or 5, I would refer to power lines as "negs". I don't know why I'd connect something like this to a word that almost sounds like a racial slur:


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## AlephOne2Many (Dec 13, 2015)

I would try to sit on top of those concrete posts outside of buildings. 

I had a bad habit of messing with store merchandise displays, of expensive items.

I would uninstall random shit from the family computer just to see if they would notice.


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## Flamesoul the Diabolical (Dec 13, 2015)

Not long after I discovered warrior cats, I formed a warrior cat club during the afterschool program and managed to convince a bunch of guys in my grade to join/read the books. We all had our own warrior cat names and ran around outside during recess, hunting or battling each other.


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## Goofy Logic (Dec 14, 2015)

When I was about a year old, Me and my brother brought a ice cream bucket with a few dozen tent caterpillars inside the house.  The caterpillars started squirming out of the bucket, so we set the bucket on the floor and left it for Mom to find.

Then there was that time about the same age I put hand soap into the dishwasher and Mom found out after the dishwasher started making wierd noises and suds poured out the vent.


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## CWCissey (Dec 14, 2015)

I believed that adult life could be happy and you could do whatever you wanted to.


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## Silver (Dec 16, 2015)

*Selected Readings from Silver's Childhood Diary*
(There are only like 12 entries in this thing spanning from 2002-2005)

May 7, 2002
Tonight was another Girl Scout night, but Kara didn't come over. Her mom thought she had too much homework. At Girl Scouts we made rainshaker and guitars. The guirtar had five and the rain shaker had lots of beads for shaking inside covered tube. The guitar is a shoebox.

November 20 1, 2002
Today will be great. Sarah is coming over and - this is cool - SLEEP OVER! We're going to Celebration Station. We're only going on the inside because it's too cold.

my FAVORITE GODDAMN ENTRY:
2003 Jan 16 thursday
First snow! I love snow. There is something strange about the snow. It snows on Thursdays. But once it snowed on a Wednesday. I don't get it.

Jan 26, 2003
Aww, the snow's melting! Today's sunday. SCHOOL TOMORROW! (darn) no!!!!!!

July 31, 2004
I went to Michelle's house today. We played our gameboys. I have a gameboy. Michelle's birthday was yesterday. I've seen like all the spongebob episodes.

January 26, 2005
There hasn't been any snow this year. Today it was Chik-Fil-a night. I'm a fifth grader in [teacher]'s class. Mom got back from her 3-day ski trip today. I woke up at 6:00 to play GameBoy.

January 267, 2005
(then there is just no text at all)


I know I can't follow that up but I do have a CD i made in i think 6th grade that we had to make a bunch of fake songs and a name for the CD and put it on the insert. here are my lovely songs from when I was 10/11
Feelings of the Heart
1. Hatred is like a Storm
2. Bottomless Abyss of Despair
3. Crazy, Confused, Cool
4. Thump! went my heart
5. Sadness Raindrop, Madness Storm
6. The Sun is my Happiness
7. My Heart wants to Break Away
8. Elegant, Exquisite Essence
9. Raining on my Sunny Day
10. A'Crying, A'Sighing

I thought I never had a teen emo phase, but it looks like this was it. Bonus - I had to write lyrics for one of the songs.
Crazy, Confused, Cool
Refrain
'Cause I'm crazy, yes I am
I'm mentally insane
'Cause I'm confused, yes I am
They get mad when I complain
'Cause I'm cool, yes I am
Never get upset, never pained...

Stanza
People always talkin' bout me
It's amazing they can't really see
They think I'm just really cool
But they don't know I'm also a fool
'Cause I'm crazy and confused as well
Nobody can ever really tell

(the concept of _not_ having rhyming lyrics was something i was not familiar with)


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## Bugaboo (Dec 17, 2015)

I killed a man with my mad max tricycle


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## sm0t (Dec 18, 2015)

When I was about 8 or 9 I would make what I called, creatively enough, a "video game traveler."  Basically a cardboard box that I would make into something sort of like a time machine or spaceship or whatever other kids make out of boxes (complete with marker-drawn cockpit), except it would travel between video game worlds using my child imagination.  I'd drag it over the wood floor of the house we lived in at the time and piss the hell out of my mom, who wanted to keep the floors as pristine as possible.


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## Goofy Logic (Nov 30, 2017)

Kind of a old thread to necro, but remembered a kid tale and want to share it greentext style.

>be me.
>3rd grade.
>School had no cafeteria; kids ate prepacked lunch in their classroom and then race outside to play.
>Usual lunch for me was sandwich, juice and a sweet.
>One time get a chocolate bar.
>Other kids swarm me and beg for chocolate bar.
>Being way too nice, I give it away.
>Have no chocolate bar.
>This happens again and again the next few days.
>Really want to have my chocolate bar.
>Imtiredofthisshit.bat
>Not sure how to tell them no.
>Mention problem to mom.
>Tells me I don't have to give anything to them.
>Mom suggests licking it immediately after opening it to drive them off.
>Feelemboldened.exe
>Next school day.
>Lunch time.
>Eat lunch.
>Pull out chocolate bar.
>Warplan chocolate liberation is go.
>"I got a chocolate bar, who wants it?"
>"Me!" "Me!" "Me!"
>"Who wants it?"
>"I do!"
>I yell "WELL..."
>Proceed to rapidly lick the chocolate bar all over like a cock-starved crackwhore.
>"...HERE YOU GO!"
>General reactions of disgust from other kids
>Girl who would pick on me yells "YOU'RE A BUM AND I DONT WANT TO MARRY A BUM!"
>laugh hysterically.
>End of school, mom comes to classroom to pick me up
>Girl tells mom I'm a bum for what I did.
>Mom shrugs and holds back laughter.
>Feelsgoodman.jpeg
>No one asks for my chocolate bar anymore.
>Have trollface at lunch for the next few days.


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## Bluebird (Nov 30, 2017)

I enjoyed wrapping my bionicles in aluminum foil then icing them in my freezer.


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## heymate (Nov 30, 2017)

When I was really little, I tried to skidoo into paintings and stuff and probably looked like I was jumping around like an idiot in the process. I was so confused that I always ended up back on the ground. I tried everything but it always went something like this:

”Blue Skidoo, we can too!” *tiny jump*


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## A Beached Whale (Dec 1, 2017)

Once when I was small, I accidentally let go of a helium balloon. I was crying and as it floated away, mom told me if you make a wish on a floating balloon, it would come true. So I looked at the sky and tearfully wished, "I want my balloon back!"


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## AnOminous (Dec 1, 2017)

Set absolutely everything on fire that I could find and that it was possible to set on fire.


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## Audit (Dec 1, 2017)

I sort of got a doorknob stuck on my finger when I was eight. It took an orthopedic specialist to get it removed. Let me tell you, it hurt like hell to get that thing twisted and pulled off. I still have the scars.


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## Morose_Obesity (Dec 1, 2017)

I liked to throw those ground spinner crazy-jacks fireworks in the air, watch ‘em fly... more than once I started a fire in the dead grass. 

One of those times  I started a pretty impressive hillside inferno that got a brief mention on the news.
 Years later I ran into someone whose workplace had to be evacuated because of it. They were still upset.


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## NARPASSWORD (Dec 1, 2017)

I gave the pope a copy of Super Metroid.
Hey, it's still a better choice than Undertale.


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## Karl der Grosse (Dec 1, 2017)

I used to love to eat super-hot soup with a glass of supercold milk.  If I did it right, it made my teeth tingle.  A cheap high, but at ten you take what you get.


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## LofaSofa (Dec 1, 2017)

Pretending I had friends.


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## Bluebird (Dec 1, 2017)

I sort of got a doorknob stuck up my ass when I was eight. It took a proctological specialist to get it removed. Let me tell you, it hurt like hell to get that thing twisted and pulled out. I still have the scars.


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## Schmeckel (Dec 1, 2017)

When I was in kindergarten, there was this girl named April. I had the biggest crush on her, and every morning when we were getting our pencils and crayons out of our little cubby holes, I'd kiss her on the cheek. And she'd always punch me in the neck. Based on the town I lived in at the time, she probably churned out at least 5 kids before she turned 20. 

When I was in 1st and 2nd grade, I was deathly afraid of my mother hearing me say any swear words. I would stop in front of a tree on the way home from school, and say all the bad words I could come up with just to get it out of my system. And every day, I'd be terrified that she heard what I'd said and would beat the shit out of me.


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## REGENDarySumanai (Dec 1, 2017)

I put ranch dressing on my pickles. It still baffles me to this day.


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## Dolphin Lundgren (Dec 1, 2017)

.Collected pencils and always had multiple unsharpened pencils on my desk. Up until high school. Used to tap them against the desk constantly and tap the eraser against my teeth.
.I wouldn't put my feet on the floor of my bed at the wall because I used to imagine giant rolly pollies were on the ground.


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## Francis E. Dec Esc. (Dec 1, 2017)

When I was about eight or nine, I was acting up in class and had to sit in a desk in the hallway for the rest of the period. My desk was immediately opposite an Oakland Raiders poster, and I decided to decorate the empty grey spots on the helmet with a neat symbol I saw on the spine of one of my dad's books. 

That book was William Schirer's 'The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'.


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## cactus (Dec 2, 2017)

I've got some. When I was like 6, my dad would watch Married with Children and I would watch with him. Knowing the type of show it is, the word sex was mentioned. I honestly thought the word itself was recently made up.

One of my brothers broke his arm jumping off the arm rest of the couch.

My youngest brother was so into 101 Dalmatians, that he begged me to wear my 101 Dalmatian bathing suit to bed. I let him. He also broke his guitar because I unplugged his amp because I was trying to sleep when we were older. Don't know what his logic was. And he choked me out for the TV remote.

The brother who broke his arm and I convinced the 101 Dalmatian brother he was adopted and he started crying.

My brothers had a friend who let them borrow Pokemon Red. Me, not knowing that there was only one save file, started a new game and saved over the previous save.

Even as a 5 year old, I was incredibly lazy. We lived like around the corner from my school and I always hated walking there, it was like a 7 minute walk. I always wanted my mom to drive us.


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## WhoCaresAboutUsernames (Dec 2, 2017)

I sat on a banana, and of course, that changed my life.


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## Zarkov (Dec 2, 2017)

I believed in representative democracy.


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## Morose_Obesity (Dec 2, 2017)

I had plans to be a superhero and had drawn up plans for grappling guns and other technology to make up for my lack of superpowers.


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## DildoGaggins (Dec 2, 2017)

Drank peroxide and various other cleaning fluids starting at the age of six.


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## Derped223 (Dec 2, 2017)

Ran into the corner of a wall when I was around one


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## heymate (Dec 2, 2017)

DildoGaggins said:


> Drank peroxide and various other cleaning fluids starting at the age of six.



Thank goodness you’re okay.


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## Mr. Fister (Dec 2, 2017)

Lick the cement floor of my basement, because I thought the dust tasted good.


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## DildoGaggins (Dec 2, 2017)

heymate said:


> Thank goodness you’re okay.



Lol, depends on your perception of ok.


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## kitty shit (Dec 4, 2017)

I got pissed at my grandma when I was three, so I pulled down my pants, squatted, and pissed on my grandparents' kitchen floor. It turned out not to be the ultimate revenge I'd hoped it would. Kids are stupid.


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## Black Waltz (Dec 4, 2017)

when I was 5 I played board games with my stuffed animals because I had no friends to play them with


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## CWCissey (Dec 4, 2017)

Dink Smallwood said:


> when I was 5 I played board games with my stuffed animals because I had no friends to play them with



Did you still manage to lose the game?


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## Black Waltz (Dec 4, 2017)

CWCissey said:


> Did you still manage to lose them?


the stuffed animals? no


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## CWCissey (Dec 4, 2017)

Dink Smallwood said:


> the stuffed animals? no



No the board games.


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## Black Waltz (Dec 4, 2017)

CWCissey said:


> No the board games.


oh lol
I don't remember


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## Cake Farts (Dec 4, 2017)

When I was in fifth grade, my school started an “in school post office” to encourage us to write letters to each other. I wrote a love letter to my crush confessing that I liked him. A few days later, I got a response that read something like:



> [Cake Farts], it’s nice to know that you like me, but I’m already popular and got a lot of friends. Plus you’re stupid. I don’t like you, leave me alone.
> 
> Signed,
> 
> Popular Kid



I didn’t feel sad though. I laughed. Not sure where I kept the letter though.


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## Inquisitor_BadAss (Dec 4, 2017)

Every animal I would draw has red spotted boxer shorts.


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## Clown Baby (Dec 6, 2017)

I hated hotdogs and hamburgers and made a big deal about it at bbqs. Lol what an idiot


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## jurassic bark (Dec 6, 2017)

When I was in middle school I went to my superintendent's house for a student council meeting, she was the teacher/sponsor/whatever school clubs required kids to have. I _h-a-t-e-d_ her and thought I'd be punk rock by taking an upperdecker in her bathroom. 

I regret nothing.


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## 300mm (Dec 6, 2017)

In my first year of middle school, I threw salsa or some kind of tomato based food at the wall during lunch. It was still there when I left, two years later.


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