# What's the most lolcow-tier religion?



## betterbullocks (Jul 16, 2019)

Please, refrain from insults. This is a very serious discussion for very serious intellectuals on the internet.


----------



## YourMommasBackstory (Jul 16, 2019)

It's always funny to me when western lolcow turns muslim


----------



## Arcturus (Jul 16, 2019)

Atheism. For a non-religion, they sure do love talking about it in groups and shoving it down everyone's throats.


----------



## ScamL Likely (Jul 16, 2019)

Whatever Bob Hickman's "God entered into my body like a body the same size like me floating into you or you floating into me, it's the acts 2:38 holy ghost baptism" religion is.


----------



## betterbullocks (Jul 16, 2019)

ScamL Likely said:


> Whatever Bob Hickman's "God entered into my body like a body the same size like me floating into you or you floating into me, it's the acts 2:38 holy ghost baptism" religion is.


This is news to me
Wonderful, glorious news.


----------



## ScamL Likely (Jul 16, 2019)

There's also Ted Jesus Christ God, if you're looking for something similar.


----------



## Rand /pol/ (Jul 16, 2019)

Christianity. Imagine worshipping a dead jew on a stick.
Edit: let me expand on my point further. The "Virgin" Mary conceived Jesus with God, while being married to Joseph the Saint. This means God quite literally cucked Joseph when he conceived Jesus, making Jesus a product of cuckoldry. Christians literally worship cuckoldry.


----------



## Seregios (Att. at Law) (Jul 16, 2019)

In no order , with all do Respect of course
Radical Islam
Ultra Orthodox Judaism
Evangelicalism
Atheism  
Self hating anything
LDS/FLDS
Jehovahs witness
Satanic


----------



## Syaoran Li (Jul 16, 2019)

Euphoric Atheists are the worst by far, with the second-worst being a tie between Satanists and extremist Muslims.

Third worst is a tie between Evangelical fundies and SJW Wiccans.


----------



## crocodilian (Jul 16, 2019)

Anything Abrahamic, but especially Christcucks.



			
				Marcus Eli Ravage said:
			
		

> You have not begun to appreciate the real depth of our guilt. We are intruders. We are disturbers. We are subverters. We have taken your natural world, your ideals, your destiny, and played havoc with them. We have been at the bottom of not merely the latest Great War but of nearly all your wars, not only of the Russian but of nearly every other major revolution in your history. We have brought discord and confusion and frustration into your personal and public life. We are still doing it. No one can tell how long, we shall go on doing it.
> 
> Look back a little and see what has happened. Nineteen hundred years ago you were an innocent, care-free pagan race. You worshipped countless Gods and Goddesses, the spirits of the air, of the running streams and of the woodland. You took unblushing pride in the glory of your naked bodies. You carved images of your gods and of the tantalizing human figure. You delighted in the combats of the field, the arena and the battle-ground. War and slavery were fixed institutions in your systems. Disporting yourselves on the hillsides and in the valleys of the great outdoors, you took to speculating on the wonder and mystery of life and laid the foundations of natural science and philosophy. Yours was a noble, sensual culture, unirked by the prickings of the social conscience or by any sentimental questionings about human equality. Who knows what great and glorious destiny might have been yours if we had left you alone.
> 
> ...


----------



## BoingoTango (Jul 16, 2019)

Ron /pol/ said:


> Christianity. Imagine worshipping a dead jew on a stick.
> Edit: let me expand on my point further. The "Virgin" Mary conceived Jesus with God, while being married to Joseph the Saint. This means God quite literally cucked Joseph when he conceived Jesus, making Jesus a product of cuckoldry. Christians literally worship cuckoldry.


That's one of the best I've heard in awhile.

Islam is probably the worst, but one of the most ridiculous had to be the fucking greek pantheon. What crazy fucking shit. You dumb ancients. I hate you.


----------



## Ughubughughughughughghlug (Jul 16, 2019)

Hinduism, Judaism, or Catholicism.

Hinduism is a shit-tier pagan religion that just never happened to die out like the other paganisms. It's dumb as hell.

Judaism is what you get when you make a religion full of bullshit rules (must not eat shellfish, must suck the blood off the baby's dick, must not flip light switches on Sunday) and hand it off to a narcissistic group of nerds who then try to lawyer it all until the whole thing becomes a convoluted mess.

Catholicism suffers from being a religion torn between three terrible groups: Leftist liberation theology traitor scumbag pedo-priests, backwards Latin syncretic pseudo-tribals (who worship the same old gods as before, but call them "saints" now), and moderate liberal Yankee Catholics who don't really care about the religion but think that Catholicism is the entirety of Christianity.


----------



## Seregios (Att. at Law) (Jul 16, 2019)

Ron /pol/ said:


> Christianity. Imagine worshipping a dead jew on a stick.
> Edit: let me expand on my point further. The "Virgin" Mary conceived Jesus with God, while being married to Joseph the Saint. This means God quite literally cucked Joseph when he conceived Jesus, making Jesus a product of cuckoldry. Christians literally worship cuckoldry.


----------



## Takodachi (Jul 16, 2019)

Mormonism.
Whats the difference between them and Scientology in any case? They both believe in some extraterrestrial shit. I woulda said scientology, but thats reaching very low hanging fruit.


----------



## NOT Sword Fighter Super (Jul 16, 2019)

Ron /pol/ said:


> Christianity. Imagine worshipping a dead jew on a stick.
> Edit: let me expand on my point further. The "Virgin" Mary conceived Jesus with God, while being married to Joseph the Saint. This means God quite literally cucked Joseph when he conceived Jesus, making Jesus a product of cuckoldry. Christians literally worship cuckoldry.


Hey, fuck you!
Dead jew on a stick is my favorite food!


----------



## Brad Armstrong (Jul 16, 2019)

Promestein said:


> Mormonism.
> Whats the difference between them and Scientology in any case? They both believe in some extraterrestrial shit. I woulda said scientology, but thats reaching very low hanging fruit.


Well, Mormonism claims to be rooted in Christianity while Scientology is just about worshiping ayys or some shit.


----------



## Ughubughughughughughghlug (Jul 16, 2019)

Promestein said:


> Mormonism.
> Whats the difference between them and Scientology in any case? They both believe in some extraterrestrial shit. I woulda said scientology, but thats reaching very low hanging fruit.



Mormonism's extraterrestrial stuff is confined to that Heaven is a physical planet, created in an age when the idea of space travel was a novelty at best and we didn't even have a full list of planets. It was rooted in the ideas of its time (Jews-in-America, reintrepreting the Trinity, utopian communes, etc. were all common among new movements in the Second Great Awakening) and quickly developed into an actual ethnoreligious group with their own independent state. It has since grown to have more members (by some estimates) than Judaism. Mormonism also accepts all of the Bible, only adding on additional scriptures, and what new it brings to the table is mostly drastic improvements over the shitty source material. It's a legitimate religion that's only scorned because it had the misfortune to be born recently. People would shit on Christianity just as much if it was less than 200 years old.

Scientology, on the other hand, was born in the age of ayyyy lmao, using the previous works of a mediocre science fiction writer as its basis. The cult leader in Scientology was always a blatant opportunist/charlatan instead of having the decency to hide it like most prophets. He started off promoting his bullshit psychology ideas and then just threw that in to his nonsensical belief system that you have to pay to discover. It only grew by feeding off of degenerate Hollywood's obsession with being anything but Christian.

Comparing the role of "extraterrestrial" stuff in both is kind of silly, considering that pretty much every religion refers (at least in a metaphorical sense) to "the Heavens" as where God resides. That doesn't mean Allah is riding a flying saucer.

Mormonism has priests and churches and teaches you how you can ascend to godhood by achieving salvation through the ritual worship of their god, all of which are humans. Scientology teaches that you can talk to aliens if you pay them a hundred grand and have an auditor measure your "thetan count." Mormonism goes out of its way to spread its One True Faith. Scientology seeks out the rich and famous specifically so it can try to bleed them dry.

Scientology has fucking aliens.


----------



## Red Hood (Jul 16, 2019)

Of organized religions, Wicca and related neopagan movements are probably the ones that breed the most lulzy low-level cows you might meet day-to-day. 

But I'd say every religious group has some silly beliefs/rituals and silly, overserious fanatics.


----------



## mr.moon1488 (Jul 16, 2019)

Brad Armstrong said:


> Well, Mormonism claims to be rooted in Christianity while Scientology is just about worshiping ayys or some shit.


Scientology was started by L. Ron Hubbard mainly to promote his stupid scifi books.


----------



## Leblanc (Jul 16, 2019)

unironically aethism


----------



## Red Hood (Jul 16, 2019)

mr.moon1488 said:


> Scientology was started by L. Ron Hubbard mainly to generate profit


FTFY


----------



## mr.moon1488 (Jul 16, 2019)

The Shadow said:


> FTFY


Yeah, and it worked to some extent.  Dude had a private yacht with a bunch of crazy bitches.  He'd be an lolcow if he was still around today.


----------



## Foolish Samurai Warrior (Jul 16, 2019)

Ron /pol/ said:


> while being married to Joseph the Saint.


Bitch, the reason they even got married was to hide the fact that Mary was pregnant.


----------



## MAPK phosphatase (Jul 16, 2019)

Brad Armstrong said:


> Well, Mormonism claims to be rooted in Christianity while Scientology is just about worshiping ayys or some shit.


Mormonism is pretty firmly rooted in Christianity. Even if you look at it from a purely analytical perspective Joseph Smith was clearly a christian, accepted Christian ideas, and was inspired by Christianity in his development of Mormonism. May parts of the Book of Mormon are taken straight from the bible. The core doctrine for Mormonism includes the old and new testaments, Book of Mormon, Perl of Great Price, Joseph Smith translation, and the Doctrine and Covenants. That's basically, the bible, a bible sequel, a bible expansion pack, day 650k bible patch, and bible strategy guide.
Depending on your theology, Mormonism itself may or may not be Christian, but to me at least it has too much Christianity and history with Christianity to not be rooted in it.
Also, fair warning, I'm not Mormon.


----------



## AnOminous (Jul 16, 2019)

MAPK phosphatase said:


> Mormonism is pretty firmly rooted in Christianity. Even if you look at it from a purely analytical perspective Joseph Smith was clearly a christian, accepted christian ideas, and was inspired by Christianity in his development of Mormonism. May parts of the Book of Mormon are taken straight from the bible. The core doctrine for Mormonism includes the old and new testaments, Book of Mormon, Perl of Great Price, Joseph Smith translation, and the Doctrine and Covenants. That's basically, the bible, a bible sequel, a bible expansion pack, day 650k bible patch, and bible strategy guide.



The thing is the Bible is the accumulated wisdom of thousands of years, with thousands of people over the years sifting and refining it to make it a compendium of what they felt was best about their culture, with glosses just as comprehensive over millennia, adding up to the basis for an entire civilization.

Mormonism throws on the unedited ravings of one con artist who made it up entirely by himself to make money, threw on some Bible-sounding bullshit, and contributed nothing to culture at large while ultimately just forming a nasty cult that went around fucking with people until basically exiled to Utah, where they continued acting like a bunch of shits until they were basically offered a state if they knocked off a couple of their more obnoxious practices.

Mormons themselves are nice enough people I won't go out of my way to troll them with this bullshit, but it's a simple fact that Joseph Smith, unlike other religious founders, and perhaps this is solely because he lived within recent memory, is just flat out known to have been a convicted con artist who went from one swindle to another until finally landing on religion, which finally worked out for him.

I wouldn't really say the current incarnation of it is lolcow-worthy, though some of the offshoots like FLDS are.

That said, the Book of Mormon is absolute nonsense in a way that, say, the Bible isn't.


----------



## Yellow Yam Scam (Jul 16, 2019)

this is the gayest, most cope thread on this entire site.


----------



## AnOminous (Jul 16, 2019)

Yellow Yam Scam said:


> this is the gayest, most cope thread on this entire site.



s e e t h i n g
e
e
t
h
i
n
g


----------



## murgatroid (Jul 16, 2019)

Scientology because it's a quite clearly a scam and actually likely to have a significant detrimental effect on ones spiritual. psychological, and social health.


----------



## MAPK phosphatase (Jul 16, 2019)

AnOminous said:


> The thing is the Bible is the accumulated wisdom of thousands of years, with thousands of people over the years sifting and refining it to make it a compendium of what they felt was best about their culture, with glosses just as comprehensive over millennia, adding up to the basis for an entire civilization.
> 
> Mormonism throws on the unedited ravings of one con artist who made it up entirely by himself to make money, threw on some Bible-sounding bullshit, and contributed nothing to culture at large while ultimately just forming a nasty cult that went around fucking with people until basically exiled to Utah, where they continued acting like a bunch of shits until they were basically offered a state if they knocked off a couple of their more obnoxious practices.
> 
> ...


Not entirely correct.
The LDS church has edited pieces of the doctrine. Notably changing "white and delightsome" to "pure and delightsome" and removing large sections of the Doctrine and Covenants. Joseph Smith himself edited things post-hoc, such as changing his version of the first vision.
Joseph Smith did it for sex, money, and power, not just money.
He didn't just throw in some Bible-sounding bullshit, he plagiarized both the Bible, The Late War, and probably other books as well.
Other than that I agree with what you've said, but Mormonism is still rooted in Christianity.


----------



## PL 001 (Jul 16, 2019)

Scientology and fedora atheism are obvious choices. They deserve their lolcow status, but I'm going to go with Wicca. Full of SJWs LARPing as Harry Potter or a D&D druid, big on third wave feminism, mostly comprised of edgy teenage girls who watched The Craft one too many times, middle aged women who go into the whole unwashed, hairy armpit, I am a strong womyn who don't need no Mana! mentality, or the most beta soy chugging guys you can imagine. Don't forget they go on and on about how oppressed they've been since Salem, never mind that the religion was invented by an old deviant in the 1950s who was too much of a nerd to be involved in The Golden Dawn. Wicca is a comedian's pot of gold.


----------



## Feline Supremacist (Jul 16, 2019)

It's Islam because it gets more asinine and ridiculous every generation due to cousin marriage. Cousin marriage is a thing because Prophet Muhammad did it and all Muslims have to try to be like Muhammad so they marry their cousins.  No really, its true. My neighbors are cool folks but the level of stupid in some of their kids is unbelievable to the point that I can see some FBI dude talking one of them into going boom for Allah because the Quran says so. The sad part is that I think their father knows maybe a couple of his kids are borderline imbeciles since they're always supervised despite being nearly adults (forgot to add dad's wife is also his cousin).


----------



## Absolute Brainlet (Jul 16, 2019)

It's objectively the circlejerk of autistic witch LARPers that is Wiccanism.


----------



## AnOminous (Jul 16, 2019)

MAPK phosphatase said:


> Not entirely correct.
> The LDS church has edited pieces of the doctrine. Notably changing "white and delightsome" to "pure and delightsome" and removing large sections of the Doctrine and Covenants. Joseph Smith himself edited things post-hoc, such as changing his version of the first vision.



None of those really add anything to Joseph Smith's vision.  They're mostly politically motivated because the LDS realized some of its shit was politically unfeasible and so changed it, starting with Brigham Young abandoning polygamy (while claiming not to have changed the actual doctrine relating to it).


----------



## Sped Xing (Jul 16, 2019)

I'm gonna forty-second Atheism (capital A.)

Not believing in supernatural is fine; it means you save a little money on tithes and sleep in Sundays.


Turning not believing in supernatural into a fucking system of belief that you feel the need to proseltyze is autism incarnate.  Every other religion has SOME upside, usually an intangible, unaccountable one, but an imaginary upside beats none whatsoever.


EDIT: Even Scientology at least produces tax-free income for its leaders.


----------



## nekrataal (Jul 16, 2019)

SGI buddhists

I know it’s an obscure one but every time you mention their form of buddhism is just a shitty cult they always get mad.


----------



## ShittyRecolor (Jul 16, 2019)

They're probably more horrorcow than lolcow, but I think New Guinean tribes such as Etoro people deserve a mention. Many of them believe young boys can only become true men through either getting assraped by their elders or ingesting their boner juices.


----------



## Syaoran Li (Jul 16, 2019)

I would rate Scientology on the top of the list, but I don't even consider it a religion. It's basically an elaborate scam and nothing more.

So I gave the top spot to Atheism (both the fedora kind and the SJW kind)


----------



## Corbin Dallas Multipass (Jul 16, 2019)

Ped Xing said:


> I'm gonna forty-second Atheism (capital A.)
> 
> Not believing in supernatural is fine; it means you save a little money on tithes and sleep in Sundays.
> 
> ...


Not believing in supernatural is atheism.  Going around preaching to people not interested in being preached at is hardly unique to atheists.  It is annoying though, I agree with you there.



AnOminous said:


> The thing is the Bible is the accumulated wisdom of thousands of years, with thousands of people over the years sifting and refining it to make it a compendium of what they felt was best about their culture, with glosses just as comprehensive over millennia, adding up to the basis for an entire civilization.


Haha, ok. Pi is exactly 3, wearing mixed fibers is forbidden.  Some quality wisdom to live your life by there...  
Your holy book is just as dumb as the other ones. OK fine Mormonism is definitely a bit dumber.


----------



## maalikthefakemuzzie (Jul 16, 2019)

Islam is the best one because it’s based.


----------



## AbyssStarer (Jul 16, 2019)

Jehovas Witnesses, I knew quite a few in school. They don't even have birthday celebration's because Jehova would be assblasted, and kids can't play with wizard toys.


----------



## Sped Xing (Jul 16, 2019)

Corbin Dallas Multipass said:


> Not believing in supernatural is atheism.  Going around preaching to people not interested in being preached at is hardly unique to atheists.  It is annoying though, I agree with you there.



Uh, yeah.  That's my point. I'm an atheist.  I'm not an Atheist.  What possible benefit could I derive in convincing people to abandon their superstition, even if I could, and how could it be worth the effort?


I did just about lose my shit when my wife started talking to Jehovah's Witnesses, though.  I saved her from that dumb bullshit.  If she wants to go to Episcopal Church like her father that's fine, but ain't no fucking way I'm letting her get brainwashed into refusing blood transfusion.


----------



## Maltninja (Jul 16, 2019)

Jim Jones People's Temple Guyana expedition was possibly the biggest lolcow gathering of all time.



Spoiler: An hero. An hero everywhere.


----------



## Corbin Dallas Multipass (Jul 16, 2019)

Ped Xing said:


> Uh, yeah.  That's my point. I'm an atheist.  I'm not an Atheist.  What possible benefit could I derive in convincing people to abandon their superstition, even if I could, and how could it be worth the effort?
> 
> 
> I did just about lose my shit when my wife started talking to Jehovah's Witnesses, though.  I saved her from that dumb bullshit.  If she wants to go to Episcopal Church like her father that's fine, but ain't no fucking way I'm letting her get brainwashed into refusing blood transfusion.


Ah ha, I see.  

I mean, in a sense, why shouldn't people try to convince others of what they consider true? But it all depends on the context. If someone wants to start talking about how this or that is proof of god or how atheists are all idiots then I'll engage, if someone's religion is making them miserable I might be like "Why keep doing it then?".

Then again, I've not run into tons of preachy atheists, I could imagine that gets old fast.


----------



## Smaug's Smokey Hole (Jul 16, 2019)

Promestein said:


> Mormonism.



Black Mormonism, Nation of Islam or Fan Fiction of Islam. Rastafarians are also pretty funny, especially the white western type, but if it's the pure yield of member:lolcow we're looking for I think Asatrue or Asatrve or whatever the fuck they call it is the clear winner. What a bunch of ridiculous faggots.


----------



## murgatroid (Jul 16, 2019)

No one has mentioned 5% Nation yet? It's the retarded street fan fiction of islam with some numerology, astrology and black power mixed in. May see an ex-con in a fez proselytizing outside a corner store in a city near you. Follow "Supreme Knowledge" and "Supreme Mathematics", unrelated to actual mathematics.


----------



## Sped Xing (Jul 16, 2019)

Yeah, I'm sure the coincidence of Arm Leg Leg Arm Head is super important


----------



## AnOminous (Jul 16, 2019)

The Raelians have to be up there.  Are they more or less lolcow for having UFO aliens and topless chicks?


----------



## Ughubughughughughughghlug (Jul 16, 2019)

AnOminous said:


> The thing is the Bible is the accumulated wisdom of thousands of years, with thousands of people over the years sifting and refining it to make it a compendium of what they felt was best about their culture, with glosses just as comprehensive over millennia, adding up to the basis for an entire civilization.
> 
> Mormonism throws on the unedited ravings of one con artist who made it up entirely by himself to make money, threw on some Bible-sounding bullshit, and contributed nothing to culture at large while ultimately just forming a nasty cult that went around fucking with people until basically exiled to Utah, where they continued acting like a bunch of shits until they were basically offered a state if they knocked off a couple of their more obnoxious practices.
> 
> ...



What the fuck would you call Muhammad if not a con artist? Does that make Islam not a religion?

“I dislike this religion “ =/= “This religion isn’t a religion”


----------



## MZ 052 (Jul 16, 2019)

at least Mormons don't go door-to-door trying to ensnare you into their cult
edit: I forgot they do, I was thinking of the Amish


----------



## Dysnomia (Jul 16, 2019)

murgatroid said:


> Scientology because it's a quite clearly a scam and actually likely to have a significant detrimental effect on ones spiritual. psychological, and social health.



Their Dear Leader locked his wife up in some compound in California. She's probably too brainwashed to realise they can't legally hold her. Never mind the Sea Org nonsense. 

These people actually believe that if you give them all your money they will get angry alien ghosts, that Xenu brutally genocided, out of your body.  

You don't need psychotherapy or medication. The mental health system is a scam. Guess why? Because the more mentally ill you are the more they can convince you that you have thetans in your body and their millions of years of rage is why you feel so awful all the time.


----------



## Cat Menagerie (Jul 16, 2019)

The Black Hebrew Israelites deserve an honorable mention.


----------



## Cosmos (Jul 16, 2019)

Probably Scientology for being a pyramid scheme disguised as a cult disguised as a religion. Nobody in this thread has mentioned how incredibly trigger happy they are in regards to litigation; they're the only "religion" I know of that sues people for copyright infringement for posting excerpts of their writings. They're also the only "religion" that demands you hand over hundreds of thousands of dollars just to learn their entire belief system.

L. Ron Hubbard was also a lolcow. He was a mediocre sci-fi writer who got lucky by publishing a bullshit self-help book he managed to turn into a religion. He also lied about his military service; he _was_ in Marine Corps and later the Navy Reserve, but by all accounts he was shitty at his job and never saw a lot of action (at one point he did briefly command two anti-submarine vessels, but got removed from both positions because his superiors thought he wasn't good enough). I could go on for a long time about how funny his history is and how much of a bullshitter he was but Last Podcast on the Left did a fantastic series on him that does a better job explaining it than I can.


----------



## Corbin Dallas Multipass (Jul 16, 2019)

Cosmos said:


> Probably Scientology for being a pyramid scheme disguised as a cult disguised as a religion. Nobody in this thread has mentioned how incredibly trigger happy they are in regards to litigation; they're the only "religion" I know of that sues people for copyright infringement for posting excerpts of their writings. They're also the only "religion" that demands you hand over hundreds of thousands of dollars just to learn their entire belief system.
> 
> L. Ron Hubbard was also a lolcow. He was a mediocre sci-fi writer who got lucky by publishing a bullshit self-help book he managed to turn into a religion. He also lied about his military service; he _was_ in Marine Corps and later the Navy Reserve, but by all accounts he was shitty at his job and never saw a lot of action (at one point he did briefly command two anti-submarine vessels, but got removed from both positions because his superiors thought he wasn't good enough). I could go on for a long time about how funny his history is and how much of a bullshitter he was but Last Podcast on the Left did a fantastic series on him that does a better job explaining it than I can.


He's also a good example of the utter failure of the US military to give any kind of mental health care to people who need it.

He actually wrote a letter begging them to treat him because he was afraid he was losing his mind.  Eventually it got the better of him and unfortunately while crazy he was smart and turned his insanity into a cult that enriched him.

But yeah, fuck scientology and scientologists.


----------



## AbyssStarer (Jul 16, 2019)

Euphoric atheists are as bad as the religious that try to convert everybody. Same BS, different label, don't know why atheists get special mentions.


----------



## Syaoran Li (Jul 16, 2019)

AbyssStarer said:


> Euphoric atheists are as bad as the religious that try to convert everybody. Same BS, different label, don't know why atheists get special mentions.



I think Atheism (note the capitalization of it) deserves a special mention because a lot of this SJW nonsense and related culture war bullshit is deeply rooted in the edgy "New Atheism" of the late 90's and 2000's with guys like Christopher Hitchens.

The most ironic part of it all is that the New Atheism movement is the birthplace of both SJW's and edgy YouTube skeptic types like Sargon. 

Discounting financial scams like Scientology or explicitly racist fringe religions (Black Hebrew Israelites, Christian Identity, Nazi Vikings, etc.) I'd say that Atheism is the worst of the lolcow-tier religions because it made a religion out of not having a religion, and it gave us countless lolcows on this thread, whether they be fedora men or whiny danger-hair SJW's


----------



## Dolphin Lundgren (Jul 17, 2019)

Christian Science. So many people have died in that religion because they do the "power of prayer" thing instead of taking the medicine they need.


----------



## Dom Cruise (Jul 17, 2019)

I never understood what the appeal was for Christian offshoots like Mormonism, Christian Science or Jehovah's Witness over just good old mainstream Christianity if you're going to be a Christian.

Especially when there's extra rules and regulations, some of which can be deadly in the case of Christian Science, as Oscar Wildean points out, or just flat out "no fun allowed" like Jehovah's Witness and it's lack of celebrating holidays, even Christmas, can anyone follow the logic of why God wouldn't want you to celebrate the birth of His own son? How does that make any sense? Or your own birthday? They're certainly not getting any of those ideas from the Bible.


----------



## Coolio55 (Jul 17, 2019)

Nobody is gonna mention that one weird sect of Christianity "Family International" where the followers "love Jesus"?



Spoiler: Wikipedia Excerpt



This is a term TFI members use to describe their intimate, sexual relationship with Jesus. TFI describes its "Loving Jesus" teaching as a radical form of bridal theology.[20] They believe the church of followers is Christ's bride, called to love and serve him with wifely fervor. But they take bridal theology further, encouraging members to imagine Jesus is joining them during sexual intercourse and masturbation. Male members are cautioned to visualize themselves as women, in order to avoid a homosexual relationship with Jesus. Many TFI publications, and spirit messages claimed to be from Jesus himself, elaborate this intimate, sexual relation they believe Jesus desires and needs. TFI imagines itself as his special "bride" in graphic poetry, guided visualizations, artwork,[21] and songs.[22] Some TFI literature is not brought into conservative countries for fear it may be classified at customs as pornography.[23] The literature outlining this view of Jesus and his desire for a sexual relationship with believers was edited for younger teens,[24] then further edited for children.[25]



No. I'm not making this up (sorry for the mental image though)

Here's a RLM video on the Japanese version of one of their propaganda videos:


----------



## Dom Cruise (Jul 17, 2019)

Coolio55 said:


> Nobody is gonna mention that one weird sect of Christianity "Family International" where the followers "love Jesus"?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You're not even scratching the surface, isn't "Family International" related to the "Children of God" cult?

That was the cult that advocated _pedophilia, _with members commonly having sex with children.

I fell down the rabbit hole reading about that group a long time ago and it's one of the upsetting and disturbing things I've ever read.


----------



## Homer J. Fong (Jul 17, 2019)

Do major cults count? If so there is nothing more lolcow worthy than Nation of Islam.

Malcolm X is treated as this Anti-Hero in Americana, but he was hilariously stupid and fully bought the NOIs black supremacy rhetoric. It wasn't until he travelled to Mecca and realized that mocha colored Sand People aren't worshipping BBC as their superiors that he realized that Elijah Mohammed's teachings were wholesale bullshit.


----------



## Freddy Freaker (Jul 17, 2019)

murgatroid said:


> No one has mentioned 5% Nation yet? It's the exceptional street fan fiction of islam with some numerology, astrology and black power mixed in. May see an ex-con in a fez proselytizing outside a corner store in a city near you. Follow "Supreme Knowledge" and "Supreme Mathematics", unrelated to actual mathematics.
> 
> View attachment 844048
> 
> ...


Dont these guys pull sovereign citizen shit too or am i thinking of another exceptional band of kangz?


----------



## Smaug's Smokey Hole (Jul 17, 2019)

AnOminous said:


> The Raelians have to be up there.  Are they more or less lolcow for having UFO aliens and topless chicks?



They were the ones that wanted to make a clone-baby Hitler and when clone-Hitler had grown up they would put him on trial for his crimes against humanity, right? That would have been ~2002 and I remember the press writing worrisome articles about them possibly having developed working cloning procedures. Nonsense. If I have to believe something extraordinary about cults I prefer to believe that Aum Shinrikyo was running a successful nuclear weapons research and development facility in Australia.


----------



## Corbin Dallas Multipass (Jul 17, 2019)

Smaug's Smokey Hole said:


> They were the ones that wanted to make a clone-baby Hitler and when clone-Hitler had grown up they would put him on trial for his crimes against humanity, right? That would have been ~2002 and I remember the press writing worrisome articles about them possibly having developed working cloning procedures. Nonsense. If I have to believe something extraordinary about cults I prefer to believe that Aum Shinrikyo was running a successful nuclear weapons research and development facility in Australia.


That's not fair, hitler clone-baby didn't do anything wrong.


----------



## Cosmos (Jul 17, 2019)

Coolio55 said:


> Nobody is gonna mention that one weird sect of Christianity "Family International" where the followers "love Jesus"?
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Dom Cruise said:


> You're not even scratching the surface, isn't "Family International" related to the "Children of God" cult?
> 
> That was the cult that advocated _pedophilia, _with members commonly having sex with children.
> 
> I fell down the rabbit hole reading about that group a long time ago and it's one of the upsetting and disturbing things I've ever read.



Last Podcast on the Left did an _excellent_ four-part series on the cult and its founder. I highly recommend giving it a listen if you're at all interested in cults. They also cover the tragic story of Ricky Rodriguez in the last episode. Ricky was the son of Karen Zerby, who was a high-ranking member of The Family International and married to David Berg, the group's founder and leader (Ricky isn't Berg's biological son but Berg was considered his spiritual/adopted father). From his birth, Ricky was treated as a messiah-like figure who was to "guide them all when the End Times came." 

Ricky's childhood was majorly fucked up. His childhood was recorded in a book called _The Story of Davidito_, which was meant to be an example to other members on how to raise their children. The book outright encourages the sexual abuse of children and Ricky was molested for much of his childhood. He was also raised in a very strict and controlled environment characterized by intense indoctrination and stringent discipline. Eventually, as he grew older, he developed a deep-seated resentment towards Berg and Zerby for all the abuse they put him through. He ended up marrying a fellow cult member and they abandoned Family International. 

Ricky and his wife moved away and tried to put the past behind them, but Ricky was consumed by hatred and rage over the abuse that he and hundreds of other children raised in The Family had suffered. He felt like his mission was to find his mother and bring her to justice (Berg, his stepfather, was dead at this point). On January 8, 2005, Ricky Rodriguez killed Angela Smith, a close associate of his mother who had played a limited role in his sexual abuse as a toddler. Hours later, he shot himself in the head after making a suicide video explaining his actions. In this video, Rick says he saw himself as a vigilante avenging children like him and his sisters who had been subject to rapes and beatings.

It's a deeply sad and upsetting story. Poor Ricky never had a chance.


----------



## murgatroid (Jul 17, 2019)

Freddy Freaker said:


> Dont these guys pull sovereign citizen shit too or am i thinking of another exceptional band of kangz?


I've never heard of that. The most notable thing about 5% Nation/The Nation of Gods and Earths is the disproportionate percentage of rappers and hip hop musicians who say they are adherants of the religion. Eric B & Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, Brand Nubian, etc etc.

Below is one of the most notable songs with lots of lyrics/content relating to the religion. It made a lot of people become aware of it.


----------



## Dolphin Lundgren (Jul 17, 2019)

Dom Cruise said:


> I never understood what the appeal was for Christian offshoots like Mormonism, Christian Science or Jehovah's Witness over just good old mainstream Christianity if you're going to be a Christian.
> 
> Especially when there's extra rules and regulations, some of which can be deadly in the case of Christian Science, as Oscar Wildean points out, or just flat out "no fun allowed" like Jehovah's Witness and it's lack of celebrating holidays, even Christmas, can anyone follow the logic of why God wouldn't want you to celebrate the birth of His own son? How does that make any sense? Or your own birthday? They're certainly not getting any of those ideas from the Bible.



Jehovah's Witness also has the rule that if you leave the religion your family has to shun you and you never see your parents, sisters, or brothers ever again. The shunned family members pretty much die never seeing their family.

Leah Remini had a two hour special on Jehovah's Witnesses where they all talked about their lives.



> Believing that those Jehovah's Witnesses who stray from scripture also will not survive Armageddon, followers police each other, panelists said. One means of doing this is "disfellowshipping," or shunning church members who have disobeyed rules that range from adultery to smoking a cigarette; family, friends and church members avoid contact with those who have been disfellowshipped.
> 
> 
> Quarry and panelist Sharon Follis noted that they had been disfellowshipped for dating "worldly" partners. Another panelist, Cliff Henderson, was disfellowshipped for having a relationship with a woman while he was depressed. After, he says he made "desperate" attempts to re-contact his family, including showing up at his brother's wedding, where his father rebuffed him. When his mother saw him, she started crying but didn't say a word: "I have to accept that I may never have a relationship with them again, and that hurts," Henderson said.
> ...


----------



## Dom Cruise (Jul 17, 2019)

Oscar Wildean said:


> Jehovah's Witness also has the rule that if you leave the religion your family has to shun you and you never see your parents, sisters, or brothers ever again. The shunned family members pretty much die never seeing their family.
> 
> Leah Remini had a two hour special on Jehovah's Witnesses where they all talked about their lives.



Wow, so it's even worse than I thought.

And once again, they're certainly not getting any of that nonsense from the Bible.


----------



## Dolphin Lundgren (Jul 17, 2019)

Dom Cruise said:


> Wow, so it's even worse than I thought.
> 
> And once again, they're certainly not getting any of that nonsense from the Bible.



I can defend Mormons in one way. At least they don't say you can never see family members again if you piss them off. I know a Mormon family with a gay son and they still see him and keep contact with him. JW seems the worst. The Leah Remini Aftermath was very interesting and the interviews showed just how messed up the Jehovah's Witness religion really is.








						Leah Remini - The Jehovah's Witnesses - Part 1 of 2 - S03E00 - Scientology And The Aftermath
					

For the very first time, Leah and Mike meet with former members of a different organization--the Jehovah's Witnesses. In this special 2-hour episode, a panel of contributors open up and share their personal stories of growing up in this secretive organization. Our hosts will hear stories of...




					rutube.ru


----------



## Raging Capybara (Jul 17, 2019)

Horrorcow - Wahhabism. I don't need to explain that one. If there's an Islamic terrorist attack out there, the culprit is probably a piece of shit Wahhabi
Lolcow - Amish. They are funny but completely harmless.


----------



## Dolphin Lundgren (Jul 17, 2019)

Raging Capybara said:


> Horrorcow - Wahhabism. I don't need to explain that one. If there's an Islamic terrorist attack out there, the culprit is probably a piece of shit Wahhabi
> Lolcow - Amish. They are funny but completely harmless.



The worst thing the Amish do is shun family members if they choose the leave the group after they get their moment of freedom when they come of age, which that Devil's Playground documentary showed. But if you change your mind after going back to the group- they turn their backs on you for life.


----------



## ProgKing of the North (Jul 17, 2019)

Dom Cruise said:


> You're not even scratching the surface, isn't "Family International" related to the "Children of God" cult?
> 
> That was the cult that advocated _pedophilia, _with members commonly having sex with children.
> 
> I fell down the rabbit hole reading about that group a long time ago and it's one of the upsetting and disturbing things I've ever read.


I learned about them because I was listening to early blues-based Fleetwood Mac and found out one of the members (Jeremy Spencer) joined the cult. He left his hotel room one day before a show "to buy a magazine" and they found him several days later having already joined. 

His first solo album after joining has this creepy-ass cover 





Not a rabbit hole you want to go down when just trying to find out what happened to an obscure early member of a famous band. It's like if Pete Best had been at Jonestown.


----------



## The Saltening (Jul 17, 2019)

have to go with islam. the entirety of islam. Their leader mohammad was a literal child rapist that promotes killing everyone who doesnt believe. not sure how much worse you can get.


----------



## tehpope (Jul 18, 2019)

Ron /pol/ said:


> Christianity. Imagine worshipping a dead jew on a stick.
> Edit: let me expand on my point further. The "Virgin" Mary conceived Jesus with God, while being married to Joseph the Saint. This means God quite literally cucked Joseph when he conceived Jesus, making Jesus a product of cuckoldry. Christians literally worship cuckoldry.


 Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are one in the same. So if you think about it, Jesus fucked his own mom.



Promestein said:


> Mormonism.
> Whats the difference between them and Scientology in any case? They both believe in some extraterrestrial shit. I woulda said scientology, but thats reaching very low hanging fruit.


 At least Mormons won't sue the shit out of you if you make fun of them.


----------



## DidYouJustSayThat (Jul 18, 2019)

Judaism. 90% of the study of scripture is devoted on finding out new ways on how to cheat G-d, since all the rules are impossible to live by. Did you know, that a wire (eruv) hung over posts is legally classified as wall, or that the light switch that opens/closes circuit directly is forbidden, but the one that in the effect does the same thing, but with extra optical step (kosher light switch) is OK?


----------



## murgatroid (Jul 18, 2019)

DidYouJustSayThat said:


> Judaism. 90% of the study of scripture is devoted on finding out new ways on how to cheat G-d, since all the rules are impossible to live by. Did you know, that a wire (eruv) hung over posts is legally classified as wall, or that the light switch that opens/closes circuit directly is forbidden, but the one that in the effect does the same thing, but with extra optical step (kosher light switch) is OK?


I'd rather they have kosher light switches and other loopholes than have them keep asking me on the street to turn off their oven or on/off their lights every shabbat.


----------



## Syaoran Li (Jul 24, 2019)

If we're going to put the lolcow religions into categories, well....

Horrorcow: Radical Islam

Lolcow: Evangelical Fundamentalists

Careercow: Militant Atheism/Secular Humanism

Dramacow: Scientology

Skitzocow: Black Hebrew Israelites

Manosphere: Volkisch Norse Heathenry


----------



## Big Nasty (Jul 25, 2019)

Ped Xing said:


> Yeah, I'm sure the coincidence of Arm Leg Leg Arm Head is super important


Note that the figure has a very prominent ballsack.

Also: Mormonism = Islam for white people?


----------



## Sped Xing (Jul 25, 2019)

Big Nasty said:


> Also: Mormonism = Islam for white people?



I've been to Oman a couple times; I've described it to people as "Provo with a beach."

But Ibadhi are the "good guy" Muslims, so I dunno.


----------



## Big Nasty (Jul 25, 2019)

Ped Xing said:


> I've been to Oman a couple times; I've described it to people as "Provo with a beach."
> 
> But Ibadhi are the "good guy" Muslims, so I dunno.


On the other hand, you could say that Ahmadis are Islam's version of Mormons. They also often get promoted by clueless westerners as "good guy Islam", while having beliefs that regular Muslims just regard as completely WTF. Like, that reason that you're not allowed to eat pork is that pigs are homosexual.


----------



## Sped Xing (Jul 25, 2019)

I've never heard of Ahmadis.  They must not be represented in Europa Universalis IV


----------



## AnOminous (Jul 25, 2019)

Ped Xing said:


> I've been to Oman a couple times; I've described it to people as "Provo with a beach."
> 
> But Ibadhi are the "good guy" Muslims, so I dunno.



Sufis are good guy Muslims.


----------



## FukuMuku (Oct 13, 2019)

Jehovas Witnesses because in that fucking religion you cannot report sexual abuse of minors.


----------



## UnKillShredDur (Oct 13, 2019)

Don't care if anyone else has said it before, Scientology. It's literally the only religion in history to be created by a science fiction author, who had previously said that writing science fiction was a piss poor way to get rich, and that starting a religion would be a *real* way to get rich- and then he did it, by creating a shit religion that reads like it was created by a shitty sci fi author.


----------



## Dwight Frye (Oct 13, 2019)

Things like Scientology and Islam I'd put into the horrorcow category. Even Mormons/Jehovah's Witnesses have too much sketchy shit going on for me to find funny.

I'd say Wicca is the biggest lolcow religion. It's pretty harmless, most of them come across as either hippy dippy granola gal/guy types, or angsty teens who've watched The Craft or Charmed too much, they LARP as a D&D druid/Harry Potter combination.

It's benign enough, and most Wiccans I've come across are decent people, but it is quite a lulzy religion.


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Oct 13, 2019)

I'm pagan and I'd like to nominate us as lolcows. Actually I'd like to specifically nominate the new-agey people who use dowsing rods to measure the energy fields of their crystal skulls. While I'm at it, the people who wave their crystals around the viamins at Whole Foods to dowse the energy of said vitamins. Can't have imbalanced energy interfering with your Reikei field...thing.  

Also another vote for Scientology. I read Dianetics out of morbid curiosity and can say that L. Ron Hubbard hated two things above all, abortions and dentistry. This man was convinced that dental anesthesics caused horrible "engrams" in your brain that required intense therepy to work out. Guy also had pretty nasty ass teeth. Inventing a religion (or in this case the prequel to a religion) to justify your fear of dentists is peak lolcow.


----------



## totse (Oct 14, 2019)

MerriedxReldnahc said:


> I'm pagan and I'd like to nominate us as lolcows. Actually I'd like to specifically nominate the new-agey people who use dowsing rods to measure the energy fields of their crystal skulls.








						Wicca: For the Rest of Us - Fluffy Bunnies
					

Stop the Fluff.  Think for yourself.  Fight the Bunny.



					wicca.cnbeyer.com


----------

