# Adult friendships



## PaleTay (Oct 3, 2020)

The older I get, the more I see people whose friendships are based on the #ConsumeProduct mentality, or who cannot tolerate each other while sober. They seem similar to the friendships in Brave New World, where no one "belongs" to each other but they simply encourage each other to engage in unhealthy behavior.

From university onward, I've noticed a lot of people lack support systems and there's a lot of petty drama and jealousy. For example, I've seen groups of people abandon their blackout drunk friend fairly frequently, and a lot of women especially have no one to talk to if their dog dies or they're sad about a breakup. Disturbingly, there's a trend of people reporting their "friends" to HR for minor jokes or comments.

I think these types of friendships contribute to cancel culture, the rampant mental illness in society, and a lot of the Anifa/BLM radicalization as people lack a healthy support system.


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## TFT-A9 (Oct 3, 2020)

Friendships based on stupid, shallow shit are pretty dumb and engender a weird, warped form of loyalty - not to people or even ideals, but to products.  Perfectly emblematic of CONSOOMERIST society tbh.

Though honestly, I sometimes wonder if people have just forgotten how to be friends.


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## thick internet digit web (Oct 3, 2020)

This is why i don't bother with any of that shit. I dropped out of school and since have been shitposting and the closest thing i need to a friend are people i do shit with on gmod, and i am perfectly happy. When i meet someone who i know is solid maybe i will think otherwise but good qualities in people is rare now.


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## Celebrate Nite (Oct 3, 2020)

PaleTay said:


> The older I get, the more I see people whose friendships are based on the #ConsumeProduct mentality, or who cannot tolerate each other while sober.


>based on the #ConsumeProduct mentality,
The #ConsumeProduct mentality isn't really an "adult" thing specifically.  Kids in school pull that shit all the time, even when I was growing up.  If you didn't have shit like Pokemon Cards or those Finger Skateboards then you weren't part of the "in" croud.
>who cannot tolerate each other while sober
This is one of the reason why I'm Anti-Alcohol.  When you live in an area like i do where majority of people love the bar scene and can't function properly or even go on a date without getting a bit buzzed, it gets really annoying, especially when you're trying to find someone to chill with that DOESN'T like those things.

Then again I was never Mr. Popular to begin with.  Whatever friendships I did have they were quickly ended due to either some bullshit drama with other people or because I caught on that one or more of those "friends" were just using me for the shit I owned.



PaleTay said:


> a lot of women especially have no one to talk to if their dog dies or they're sad about a breakup.


Are you sure?  Especially about that "break-up" part?  I've known plenty of women that either talk to their best girl friend(s) about it or talk to their past ex that they are still friends with for some reason about it.  I've never met a woman that literally had ZERO friends, especially the cunts with bad attitudes.



PaleTay said:


> Disturbingly, there's a trend of people reporting their "friends" to HR for minor jokes or comments.


Those people either have no sense of humor and/or want to get in with the higher ups.  They are the reason why there is no fun allowed at work, especially office jobs.


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## Red Hood (Oct 3, 2020)

A good friendship shouldn't matter what you're doing, you're generally having a good time. Fishing, playing poker, couch co-op on an old beat-em-up game. You'd come through for a friend if they were in a bind.

There's nothing wrong with bonding with people around a common interest. You don't even have to be talking all the time. Me and some friends get together for a monthly motorcycle ride and then grab breakfast and shoot the shit.


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## softsleeper (Oct 3, 2020)

Maybe living a relatively boring life is the key to successful friendships, at least that much I can assume given my personal circumstances. I was never the type to party, neither my husband or the majority of my closest circle. _Without powerleveling too hard_, I've moved a sizable distance from many of them since I married (is part of our friend group). Most time spent together is over discord playing games and talking daily. I'd say I'm fortunate enough to speak freely and know I can trust them as much as they do me. Granted we're well aquainted and have known one another for nearly a decade, so it's not quite the same as attempting to strike up a newer friendship.

I've made a few new friends this year, talk often enough when we can. Part of being an adult is being able to decide who you can keep close and keep at a healthy distance, especially with the insane political climate. I'd rather stay on the same page and sperg out about some fandom bullshit than be caught in drama over my personal stances on social issues and get outcasted. I realise now I can never be fully honest with some people outside the surface level basics, unless it's an *exceptional *situation. Is that healthy? Probably not, but I'd much rather keep my lower-level friendships civil. Even if everything falls apart, I'm thankful I have people in my life I can turn to that wont reject me, which is incredibly comforting during times like this. 

Best you can hope for is to find people that aren't part of that mob mentality who are there for you as a person. Hate to sound boomer about it, but it's a lot harder to find that in CONSOOMER woke lefty groups than the right.


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## PaleTay (Oct 3, 2020)

SSF2T Old User said:


> Are you sure?  Especially about that "break-up" part?  I've known plenty of women that either talk to their best girl friend(s) about it or talk to their past ex that they are still friends with for some reason about it.  I've never met a woman that literally had ZERO friends, especially the cunts with bad attitudes.


What I mean is really shallow interest, they'll call her ex a fuckboi, creep, asshole or whatever but they'll get really uncomfortable and try to leave if the girl is in tears over her ex for example. I've had quite a few tell me essentially that, or girlfriend's friends trust me more than her about personal stuff after meeting me once.


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## Sage In All Fields (Oct 3, 2020)

Most people are utterly boring and uninteresting. I've never been a big friends guy since I'm extremely incompatible with everyone around me, but I try to look after the ones I have. I do wonder how similar this is to other people's experience.


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## Queen Elizabeth II (Oct 3, 2020)

A lot of people are just more vapid and capricious than they were even a few decades ago. Why invest in a relationship of any kind when you can bin them off and something far more appealing is just around the corner?

Better yet, why invest in anything other than yourself? Why have a conversation when you can preach to the world via Twitter or Instagram and ban any dissenting opinion from your sight?


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## Zero Day Defense (Oct 3, 2020)

Homoerotic Cougar-kun said:


> Friendships based on stupid, shallow shit are pretty dumb and engender a weird, warped form of loyalty - not to people or even ideals, but to products.  Perfectly emblematic of CONSOOMERIST society tbh.
> 
> Though honestly, I sometimes wonder if people have just forgotten how to be friends.


Would be consistent with us forgetting how to love.


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## Samson Pumpkin Jr. (Oct 3, 2020)

Fagatron said:


> A lot of people are just more vapid and capricious than they were even a few decades ago. Why invest in a relationship of any kind when you can bin them off and something far more appealing is just around the corner?
> 
> Better yet, why invest in anything other than yourself? Why have a conversation when you can preach to the world via Twitter or Instagram and ban any dissenting opinion from your sight?


most people are not politically active. they have strategic ignorance and know, either from instinct or propaganda, to cut somebody out if they have dangerous opinions. they don't go on twitter or facebook to get social interactions in a serious way or even to preach about politics. You're only really speaking to a fringe group of people that are the majority of people irl


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## Queen Elizabeth II (Oct 3, 2020)

Austrian Conscript 1915 said:


> most people are not politically active. they have strategic ignorance and know, either from instinct or propaganda, to cut somebody out if they have dangerous opinions. they don't go on twitter or facebook to get social interactions in a serious way or even to preach about politics. You're only really speaking to a fringe group of people that are the majority of people irl


What is posting a selfie if not preaching about oneself?

It doesn't necessitate someone listening for the intent to be readable.


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## Frostnipped Todger (Oct 3, 2020)

Getting older, I'd say I have less friends, but the ones I have are far closer. I always joke that my Dunbar's number is 10, because every new friend seems to push someone else away. Having said that, the friends I have would (literally) cross the ocean if I needed them, and I would do the same for them. I realised this at my wedding last year, my wife had 70ish guests, and I had 12, but every one of my guests had travelled at least 500kms. 
I think another factor is the roll-on effects of 3rd wave feminism, where women were told "you don't need no man" and it was accepted that being a party girl was the only role for a woman in their 20s and 30s. I think I'm part of the first generation (I'm 45) that is now seeing these women desperately seeking a partner, or a child, because the unfortunate reality is that a guy wanting to settle down probably doesn't want someone in their 40's.


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## Pampered Degenerate (Oct 3, 2020)

Is that a new euphemism for prostitution?


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## Bitch Kitten (Oct 3, 2020)

Get some hobbies besides binge drinking and make better friends


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## DeadFish (Oct 3, 2020)

America is youth friendly and harsh to old folks


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## HumanHive (Oct 3, 2020)

Only children have “friends”.


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## Spastic Colon (Oct 3, 2020)

Other than my significant other, I have zero friends.  I thought I had friends when I was younger, but it turns out that they were mostly superficial.  After losing (what I thought) a good friend because I posted a "both sides are wrong" take on an issue on social media, I gave up.  I realized that most people don't really care what you think.  They want you to be a sounding board for them.  If you are echoing back what they say, they like you.  The moment you disagree, they ditch you because they aren't looking to have any real discussions.  They want validation, not actual communication.  And there's the "you're either with me or against me" mentality that has ruined everything.

That's how I ended up on a hate forum where I can say whatever I want.  I have zero expectations of being liked and I don't have to self-police out of fear of losing a friendship.

I do miss having friends sometimes, but I have family so it isn't like I'm alone.  I've kind of accepted that I'm too much of a weirdo to have friends.  I could have friends if I wanted to go the phony route.  But, if someone doesn't like who you really are, what is the point?  That's too much work.


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## verygayFrogs (Oct 3, 2020)

Friends? The fuck are those. The only thing I have to that is crippling depression and loneliness with a side of severe trust issues due to backstabbing with a tall glass of basically catering to the "friends" I did have before they abandoned me like everyone else did. 

The pandemic made me realize how alone I am and I think this place helps me not be as alone


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## Zig-Zag the Grand Vizier (Oct 3, 2020)

I don't think I've ever had friends. Not as a child and not as an adult. As soon as you are too inconvenient to interact with, people don't care to be around you no matter what age. Alternatively, as soon as you are in a life-changing crisis, people are already too preoccupied with their own tragedies to spend any more of their energy on heeding yours. I don't think it's out of a malicious intent, it's just human nature.


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## Gravityqueen4life (Oct 3, 2020)

respect and loyalty used to mean something but now everyone is a snitch or an oversensitive cunt.


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## ScamL Likely (Oct 3, 2020)

It seems more like you're thinking of circles of "friends" in college and in the workplace who are more along the lines of acquaintances who'll chat and even hang out/drink/party as a group from time to time or even regularly but don't know or care about each other beyond a superficial level rather than actual friends. Most people do only or primarily have those types of shallow relationships with their peers/social circles but anyone sheepish enough to join the groups you mentioned or any other cult would do it with or without real friends or family members who took an active interest in their lives because they're the types of people who fall for high pressure sales tactics in general.


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## Win98SE (Oct 3, 2020)

I think people just have different thresholds for what a "friend" is. I know very social people who would probably say they had dozens of friends, but if they were to ask any of these people to get up at 6AM on a Saturday to drive them to the airport to catch a flight, 90% of them would create an excuse to skip out. But I think some are fine with these friendships being rather superficial or surface-level. Others have higher standards and would probably differentiate between "people I'm friendly with" and "a person who is my friend."

Personally, I find that people have a hard time being alone with themselves. These people tend to make friendships to avoid that situation, so just about any kind of common interest is enough to justify one. For a vast majority of people I know, it seems to be drinking, watching sports, or drinking + watching sports. Similarly, the friendship can be easily be dissolved if it becomes inconvenient to be the person's friend. But sometimes these people end up being genuinely good people, so it's not all bad.


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## Saint Alphonsus (Oct 3, 2020)

Shallow friendships I believe are a consequence of this modernist, antireligious world we're living in. In previous eras, people would build community around Church, kin and clan. With all of those destroyed via revolution, mass immigration, apostasy and destruction of the family, we are left with the amorphous-yet-uniform goal of "PROCURE MONEY" with all things taking secondary consideration.

Do you find it odd that you spend a decade or more socializing with kids in school, form deep bonds, and yet the expected life path for all of you is "splitsville after HS due to college/military?" If not, it's because you've tacitly given assent to the occult religious idea that your purpose in life is to service the economy. The System may disguise that _telos_ by distracting you with bread and circus, but that is what your life is, if you are not aligned to the Supreme Good.

Relevant Alphonsus quote:


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## Cybertonian (Oct 4, 2020)

All the COVID precautions have made me realize I only was around a lot of my friends out of force of habit. Haven't seen some in over a year due to other things as well, and I don't even care to re-establish contact.


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## Discourteous Discourse (Oct 4, 2020)

Spastic Colon said:


> I realized that most people don't really care what you think. They want you to be a sounding board for them.


Agreed. Back when I had a Facebook account in 2016 (I am ashamed) one of my friends of 20+ years got on FB messenger to REEEEEEEE at me about my lack of public political posts. I didn't see the message for a few days because FB messenger is cancer and I checked my account less then a dozen times a year at that point, so that made her even angrier. She had other ways to contact me, including my cell number. Anyway, I reminded her that most of my family finds it very tacky to bark at other people about politics, and while politics are discussed in the proper setting no one gets so upset that they loudly declare exactly who they are voting for based on fee fees. Informed opinions are welcome, and that does not include "ORANGE MAN BAD" or "[something something] YOU'RE A RACIST/SEXIST/MISOGYNIST/NAZI!!!!" I was actually very gentle with the way I shared this information, because I knew I was walking on egg shells, and she had a meltdown and stopped speaking to me. 20+ years of friendship killed on the spot, all because I wouldn't validate whatever political sperging she had been feverishly posting multiple times a day.

I have another friendship (if you can even call if that anymore) that has one foot in the grave and I don't think it's going to get better. Idiot friend moved to southern California, and I probably don't have to elaborate on what that's done to his brain. I'm real tired of him contacting me to say, "_SIIIIIIIIIGH_.... my dad likes Trump...." without ever explaining why that's so awful, or why it has to be brought up during discussions about cooking, video games, movies, and so on. His whining is so frequent that when he contacted me after a period of extended silence to see what was going on, and I informed him that one of my pets was diagnosed with cancer, his was response was, "oh no " immediately followed up with more ORANGE MAN BAD ranting. 

I'd like to add that the previously mentioned people think I'm weird for going to city council meetings and taking an interest in local politics, and they know nothing of my views, only that I've rarely missed game night due to said meetings. 

Thank you for coming to my spedtalk.


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## PaleTay (Oct 4, 2020)

Saint Alphonsus said:


> Shallow friendships I believe are a consequence of this modernist, antireligious world we're living in. In previous eras, people would build community around Church, kin and clan. With all of those destroyed via revolution, mass immigration, apostasy and destruction of the family, we are left with the amorphous-yet-uniform goal of "PROCURE MONEY" with all things taking secondary consideration.
> 
> Do you find it odd that you spend a decade or more socializing with kids in school, form deep bonds, and yet the expected life path for all of you is "splitsville after HS due to college/military?" If not, it's because you've tacitly given assent to the occult religious idea that your purpose in life is to service the economy. The System may disguise that _telos_ by distracting you with bread and circus, but that is what your life is, if you are not aligned to the Supreme Good.
> 
> ...


That's actually something I've been thinking about a lot. The standard for a successful life seems to be one group of friends in high school, move to a different city for undergraduate degree and make new friends, move to a third city for a graduate degree and make new friends, and having to make new friends at work because you move or your graduate school friends move.


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## Orion Balls (Oct 4, 2020)

Are you saying you want to be friends, OP?


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## LMFAOForgotPw (Oct 4, 2020)

Gravityqueen4life said:


> respect and loyalty used to mean something but now everyone is a snitch or an oversensitive cunt.


Those people still exist, but I find it works better if you’re selective. Most my friends I’ve had for over half my life and you just have to feel people out. Hell, I like to spend most of my time not hanging out with other people, but when I do it’s different. Idk, part of aging.


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## Drunk and Pour (Oct 4, 2020)

Interesting question.  I've always been a loner, so it's hard for me to say objectively.  Based on other's replies, maybe being a loner isn't as "weird" as I always thought.  As I got older, me and my friends just sort of drifted apart.  Once I moved to a new city, I've basically lost all ties to them and haven't replaced them.  I only keep in contact with one person and I've known him since elementary school, so we've been through a lot.

I've wondered recently if people get into relationships because they think it's something you're supposed to do.  I work retail so I see a lot of couples through out the day that seem like they feel obligated to be with one another rather than having deep feelings for each other.  Sometimes I'll make eye contact with the girl and things get awkward and I'm thinking, "Dude, she wouldn't be looking at me like this if she really cared for you".  Maybe I'm overthinking it.  But I wonder if people with large circle of friends are the same way, you have to go out with somebody to have fun, might as well be these people.


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## Slimy Time (Oct 4, 2020)

Good question. Have very few close "friends", not enough to fit on one hand if that. Acquaintances, colleagues or people I know, those I have plenty of, but friends that I would rely on if shit went down... Not really. I think this situation where everyone is locked down in their homes has made me more distant with the friends I had/have, used to keep in regular contact but over time keeping in contact became a chore. "Let's do a call to see what's happening guys". Fuck off, I have things I would rather do than talk to you about the same shit as always for an hour.

Guess that might just be a part of a) being male and b) having a high threshold for what I consider a "friend", I categorise a lot of people as "acquaintances" or "someone I'm on good terms with", but not "friend". Even people who 3 or 4 years ago I would consider close friends I drifted from and bumped them into another mental category...and I'm completely fine with that. Seems that there is a lot of bullshit involved with "friends", relationship issues, arguments etc, that I could not give a fuck about, and over time I want little to do with that. I've got my own shit, desires, commitments, goals and plans that I would rather focus on. I might go do some sport and meet up with someone while doing that sport and get on with them fine, but that's it, they are in the "that sport" category and don't move from there.

I suppose it ultimately depends on the person, their values and what their threshold for "friend" is. I think women might think of it as more essential. I've noticed that they tend to connect people to different aspects of their life. IE - They meet and become friends with someone while doing a sport, that then gets translated to "let's grab lunch", which then translates to "lets meet up with my other friends from these other categories". IDK, maybe that's not the case at all, but for me, people/friends get compartmentalised, and I have no desire to have "friends" or acquaintances meet from the different compartments., not unless they ask or are friends themselves.


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## King Daddy Telomerase (Oct 4, 2020)

No. Making friends past your mid-20s is near impossible. I've tried but it's social anathema trying to fit in as an awkward loser when you're old. Alas, I wish I wasn't an autistic retard in my youth. But, here we are, basically on the level of Chris Chan.


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## Technetium (Oct 4, 2020)

This thread gave me an identity crisis.


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## -4ZURE- (Oct 4, 2020)

Some say religion, some say other things... I think I have an idea as to what the issue maybe.

As for me personally, I have never been the most social person. I used to be able to hang out with others every weekend back in the elementary and middle school days, but once high school rolled around, I lost more friends than gained. I think a lot of the modern culture is to blame for this lack of social interaction many of us are feeling, along with probably some of our own inabilities.

I think a major cause is the increase in American productivity of youth. I think the tons of sports, clubs, band, etc. is starting to get the best of us. These activities take time, so one lacks the opportunity to have social relationships outside of the context of x activity. This has happened to me with band and work. Both would take multiple hours and days in a week, by the time you are free, you want to be alone. People think these activities build relationships, but they do not most of the time. There is simply too much emphasis on being the best to create bonds, and time to be with others in a casual context is strictly limited. Band was the worst tbh. I did marching and it took over your life. The teachers also only rarely really let people hang as we have to be number 1. My parents forced me through it hoping I would make friends, but within the context, it just did not seem possible.

I think a second reason is the internet and social media being mainstream. Many feel satisfied with just having interactions online. While a god sent in many aspects, the line being virtual and reality is starting too blur to thin for my liking. Very few can make meaningful relationships online, and with cancel culture, it is impossible to really present yourself to others as all information is a risk. We are creating a culture where people push others to be social online, yet kill them when they do, or if they choose to not hide behind a name and avatar. You cannot have real relationships online anymore, it is the reason OnlyFans is so popular, it is because people feel like they do. Then how about real life? Well, the push to digital has left many without friends as potential ones just use the internet. People are no longer constrained to their town anymore, so they go online to find the perfect friend, leaving the potential one in real life to be left to themselves.

The third and final reason is culture. I think this goes two ways. First you have the scared of being cancelled, which is caused by today’s heightened political climate and victim culture. As for the second, I think it is the internet and “nerd culture” making groups both too narrow and wide. The second point is a big one. Just like I said we can find a perfect friend online, I think that mentality hurts us. I think the internet has created very narrow pools of people that are too specific in interest to find others in their area. They are alone, because they venture into weird territory that no one else goes, what that territory is is up for interpretation. Nerd culture has also hurt as now unifying things like comics are so mainstream that nerds are pretty much having to go niche as outside of liking Iron Man, they could never hang with a jock. They have no other common interest. This usually leads to people feeling left out as they are too normal for some groups, but too weird for others. Throw politics in and ohh...Boyy... Try making some decent friends.

I have no idea if my points make sense, but I have a feeling we are due for a culture change as people really need some decent interaction, especially after Covid.


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## King Daddy Telomerase (Oct 4, 2020)

-4ZURE- said:


> The third and final reason is culture. I think this goes two ways. First you have the scared of being cancelled, which is caused by today’s heightened political climate and victim culture. As for the second, I think it is the internet and “nerd culture” making groups both too narrow and wide. The second point is a big one. Just like I said we can find a perfect friend online, I think that mentality hurts us. I think the internet has created very narrow pools of people that are too specific in interest to find others in their area. They are alone, because they venture into weird territory that no one else goes, what that territory is is up for interpretation. Nerd culture has also hurt as now unifying things like comics are so mainstream that nerds are pretty much having to go niche as outside of liking Iron Man, they could never hang with a jock. They have no other common interest. This usually leads to people feeling left out as they are too normal for some groups, but too weird for others. Throw politics in and ohh...Boyy... Try making some decent friends.
> 
> I have no idea if my points make sense, but I have a feeling we are due for a culture change as people really need some decent interaction, especially after Covid.


It made perfect sense to me. In the last 10 years, I've been parts of lots of these weird communities that I let pollute my brain. It's so easy to fall in these increasingly fucked up communities when you're feeling alone and you can relate so much to some of their stories, and it grows and grows into super fucked up shit that makes you completely detached from society.

And mentally ill girls are rampant in these communities, along with being romanticized by the media and public for years now. I'm still recovering from a borderline girl that always knew how to be the perfect friend...


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## verygayFrogs (Oct 4, 2020)

darkwingosonichugorl said:


> And mentally ill girls are rampant in these communities, along with being romanticized by the media and public for years now. I'm still recovering from a borderline girl that always knew how to be the perfect friend...


That's rough buddy. Wish ya the best


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## Discourteous Discourse (Oct 4, 2020)

-4ZURE- said:


> I think the tons of sports, clubs, band, etc. is starting to get the best of us. These activities take time, so one lacks the opportunity to have social relationships outside of the context of x activity.





-4ZURE- said:


> I did marching and it took over your life.


Same. Most of my friendships in high school were with people who were also in marching band because we didn't have a lot of time for anything else. Friendships that were formed prior to band with people who didn't join band fizzled out. Most of those friends didn't join any extracurricular activities and ended up doing drugs. The band friendships? None have survived for various reasons.


-4ZURE- said:


> My parents forced me through it hoping I would make friends, but within the context, it just did not seem possible.


This is a problem I never see talked about. My mom forced me into tons of summer camps hoping I would make friends. Everyone was miserable and no one became friends. I wanted to stay home (at this point I was old enough to) and play video games with one of the neighbor kids and go to the community pool with my cousins. Trying to force friendships and bonds never seems to work. It's like that first day of college classes when you get the enthusiastic teacher that wants everyone to answer 3 questions about themselves thinking it will break the ice, but it's all summer long for multiple years and it's terrible. 

Part of me misses the internet up until 2006-ish. I actually did make friends online, and we would do goofy stuff like draw digital pictures for one another, and some of us even sent care packages and Christmas presents. It was nice. These are people I would also eventually meet at conventions. It was autistic and cringe as hell but we had a good time. No one cared about anyone's gender, skin color, weight, but if someone ended up being a creep they were booted out of the group and shamed. It was building friendships on similar interests (and not echo chamber garbage), and everyone was open to hearing what their new friends had to say about different game consoles, anime, D&D campaigns, whatever nerdy autism that came up in conversation. Now for many people it's all about social media likes, follows, sponsorships, retweets, and publicity. Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. It's tiresome. 

I'm not even sure how anyone would make friends online now. Politics are in every. single. damn. thing. and I don't give a rat's ass who anyone is voting for when I'm in a baking group and I want to know which coffees and teas people prefer with their desserts.


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## Pissmaster (Oct 4, 2020)

verygayFrogs said:


> Friends? The fuck are those. The only thing I have to that is crippling depression and loneliness with a side of severe trust issues due to backstabbing with a tall glass of basically catering to the "friends" I did have before they abandoned me like everyone else did.
> 
> The pandemic made me realize how alone I am and I think this place helps me not be as alone


What happened?  (don't powerlevel)



BhertMern said:


> Agreed. Back when I had a Facebook account in 2016 (I am ashamed) one of my friends of 20+ years got on FB messenger to REEEEEEEE at me about my lack of public political posts. I didn't see the message for a few days because FB messenger is cancer and I checked my account less then a dozen times a year at that point, so that made her even angrier. She had other ways to contact me, including my cell number. Anyway, I reminded her that most of my family finds it very tacky to bark at other people about politics, and while politics are discussed in the proper setting no one gets so upset that they loudly declare exactly who they are voting for based on fee fees. Informed opinions are welcome, and that does not include "ORANGE MAN BAD" or "[something something] YOU'RE A RACIST/SEXIST/MISOGYNIST/NAZI!!!!" I was actually very gentle with the way I shared this information, because I knew I was walking on egg shells, and she had a meltdown and stopped speaking to me. 20+ years of friendship killed on the spot, all because I wouldn't validate whatever political sperging she had been feverishly posting multiple times a day.



I know that feeling.  I had a friend for about 15 years that I talked to daily for a few years at one point, who moved out to California to work for a big tech company, and he posted something about how awful Trump was and how you really shouldn't vote for him.  He's a person who _never _cared about politics, so that was a strange post.   I replied with something like "dude he probably won't win anyway, don't worry about it, there's a lot of insanity going around lately and I have no idea why, but let's face it, he's so unpopular that there's nothing to be afraid of".  Like a dozen of his fucking coworkers jumped down my throat and started digging through what they could see on my profile (set to be mostly visible to friends-of-friends) to try and shit on me over it, so I just didn't reply to them and messaged him with a "yo what the fuck, why are your coworkers doing that?".  He grandstanded against me, corrected me by calling _them _friends (not just coworkers), and blocked me. 

I still get in a miserable mood when I think about that too much.  He was my best friend in high school, but all it took was a simple "just don't worry about it" to kill that friendship.  If you had time traveled and told me that would happen back when I was in high school, I would have laughed at you and called that idea absurd, considering he was just so nice and chill.   Whatever, though, he's gone, and I want nothing to do with him ever again.  No matter what.  And, shit, if he treated me like that, imagine how he must treat his parents or anyone else outside of his cult.  God bless 'em.


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## Shadfan666xxx000 (Oct 4, 2020)

At this point in my life, I'm not sure any zoomer actually ever made friends. I tried at school with the weird kids and they told me to fuck off, then the slackers told me to fuck off and I never wanted to feel tired all the time so that excludes the overachievers. College was close but I didnt realize it at the time and I ended up hopping around and my workplace is on explicit "keep your head down" mode and I was actually shoved out of trying that in my own cringe manner.
Honestly, the closest thing to friends I've made were in depressive college parties where I either hooked up or we ended up spilling our guts out about some existential angst and i suspect that could only happen when you're young and know for sure you'll never see them again.


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## Discourteous Discourse (Oct 4, 2020)

Pissmaster said:


> I know that feeling.


I'm sorry, I wish you didn't. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Sadly I'm pretty sure anyone who has made it to this thread knows what it feels like. 


Pissmaster said:


> Like a dozen of his fucking coworkers jumped down my throat and started digging through what they could see on my profile


Ah yes, a nugget of info I forgot: political sperg lady once posted my social media info on a FB page belonging to really angry Christians. She did this because I said something along the lines of, "I've met a few supposed Satanists. I think they're just angry at their hyper religious families." After that for about a week I had 20+ angry old grandparents trying desperately hard to find dirt on me. All they found was cute pictures of my pets and my favorite recipe blogs. Again, 20+ years of friendship with this one.


Pissmaster said:


> And, shit, if he treated me like that, imagine how he must treat his parents or anyone else outside of his cult.


That's always a horrible, sad thought. It does remind me that Cali sperg never visits his father, and from what I know his father raised him mostly on his own and made a ton of sacrifices for him. But then again, when I once got curious and checked out his dad's FB page he actually looked quite happy having dinner with his church family.


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## Oglooger (Oct 4, 2020)

Shadfan666xxx000 said:


> I'm not sure any zoomer actually ever made friends.


I think @Olhelm, our small circle of friends and I are that rare exception since we grew up in a time before social media really dominated everything, I don't know why it is that the concept of friendship is rare nowadays, I guess we're all expected to drift away as time goes on and I really don't know how to put it to words.
power level but my little brother seems to be able to just drop long friendships at a hat just because they don't talk about things that interests him personally, he can just leave people without even leaving a good bye message and I think it's due to oversocilization and rampant social media.


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## Eris! (Oct 4, 2020)

Imagine eliminating churches as a fundamental social space, replacing them with schools run by the state, giving parents absolutely no participation in this replacement, and then wondering why adults have no social space. Where do you go every week to hang out with your friends and their kids? Do you even know anyone from your childhood anymore? No, they all moved to other cities, and maybe you see their kid on facebook. The way it used to be, you'd spend every sunday with your childhood friends until you all grew up and had kids. Then you raised your kids, and helped your friends raise theirs. It was this thing called a community. It was pretty dope.


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## Pissmaster (Oct 4, 2020)

BhertMern said:


> I'm sorry, I wish you didn't. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Sadly I'm pretty sure anyone who has made it to this thread knows what it feels like.


Yeah, that was the big one, though I did notice over time that I got unfriended or blocked by a smattering of other people I wasn't as close to, who I guess saw that through the grapevine or some shit.  That bothered me too, but, whatever.  So not only did I lose friends, I lost connections with a  people I networked with for my career, but if I had a lifetime of dealing with those kinds of people in my line of work, fuck it, it's time to change direction. 



> Ah yes, a nugget of info I forgot: political sperg lady once posted my social media info on a FB page belonging to really angry Christians. She did this because I said something along the lines of, "I've met a few supposed Satanists. I think they're just angry at their hyper religious families." After that for about a week I had 20+ angry old grandparents trying desperately hard to find dirt on me. All they found was cute pictures of my pets and my favorite recipe blogs. Again, 20+ years of friendship with this one.


Hell, that's another line that I wouldn't think would get you chastised, but that's Facebook for you, I guess.  One of the tech cultists found a throwaway poop joke I made like a year prior and tried to dish a snarky jab over that.  I'm sure if he met me in person, he'd shrink if I so much as asked about it.  



> That's always a horrible, sad thought. It does remind me that Cali sperg never visits his father, and from what I know his father raised him mostly on his own and made a ton of sacrifices for him. But then again, when I once got curious and checked out his dad's FB page he actually looked quite happy having dinner with his church family.



Glad to hear that.  I'd love to see a documentary about what happens to families like that. I really wouldn't be surprised if most of them completely lost contact with their kids.


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## -4ZURE- (Oct 4, 2020)

BhertMern said:


> Same. Most of my friendships in high school were with people who were also in marching band because we didn't have a lot of time for anything else. Friendships that were formed prior to band with people who didn't join band fizzled out. Most of those friends didn't join any extracurricular activities and ended up doing drugs. The band friendships? None have survived for various reasons.


I did marching in freshman year and never wanted to go back. All my relationships in high school came after the activity, though they were not social outside of school. Marching really sets you at a disposition as all time gets eaten up by it, and while the instructors act like they are putting together things to make friends, 95% of the time it was be quiet and play correctly. I was in an even worse position as I could not march due to scoliosis, so I had to hang in the percussion group which was filled with people who were 2-3 years older than me and had already had a pre-established dynamic. You just feel awkward even though they were nice people overall.

I made friends with a band group, but they were kind of on the weird side. They seemed incapable of functioning as a unit, having many occasions where they set something up only for like half the group to appear as most made excuses to not leave the house. Many really did nothing though, it was a once a year occurrence to receive a call to do anything. I used to try to reach out, but after multiple failed attempts, I just gave up and accepted them as school friends and nothing else. Even when things did happen, the one guy who called everyone over would just sit and play computer games on his laptop by himself or with his twin brother.



BhertMern said:


> This is a problem I never see talked about. My mom forced me into tons of summer camps hoping I would make friends. Everyone was miserable and no one became friends. I wanted to stay home (at this point I was old enough to) and play video games with one of the neighbor kids and go to the community pool with my cousins. Trying to force friendships and bonds never seems to work. It's like that first day of college classes when you get the enthusiastic teacher that wants everyone to answer 3 questions about themselves thinking it will break the ice, but it's all summer long for multiple years and it's terrible.


I feel that. I really could never meet people in the activities I did. My parents always took me as anti-social/ incapable of speaking to others, but I was actually fairly well adjusted for being a nerd. While I experienced a little opposition in elementary, once middle school rolled around, I made many connections with people all over the spectrum. Cool, or absolute outsider, I seemed to be able to communicate well and be liked, it was just getting them to do anything outside of school that was an issue.



BhertMern said:


> Part of me misses the internet up until 2006-ish. I actually did make friends online, and we would do goofy stuff like draw digital pictures for one another, and some of us even sent care packages and Christmas presents. It was nice. These are people I would also eventually meet at conventions. It was autistic and cringe as hell but we had a good time. No one cared about anyone's gender, skin color, weight, but if someone ended up being a creep they were booted out of the group and shamed. It was building friendships on similar interests (and not echo chamber garbage), and everyone was open to hearing what their new friends had to say about different game consoles, anime, D&D campaigns, whatever nerdy autism that came up in conversation. Now for many people it's all about social media likes, follows, sponsorships, retweets, and publicity. Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. It's tiresome.


The internet was a special place pre-2015. I felt like it was small and you could join different communities and everyone was on the same page. Mock things like Bronies or the animation community all you want, atleast in the early part of the decade they were a decent unit that seemed to make it easy to build connections. I feel like a big reason I loved Nintendo in the 2010s was because the community was so small and seemed very connected on many things. Nowadays, it is nothing but infighting as so many people are now present and they created these massive divisions that were never there years ago. Smash went from everyone backing Mega-Man in a community effort, to people creating small circles to praise nobodies like Geno or Shantae. It is so hard to really feel apart of something when the community is at odds with itself 24/7 and has too many circles to keep track of.



Shadfan666xxx000 said:


> At this point in my life, I'm not sure any zoomer actually ever made friends. I tried at school with the weird kids and they told me to fuck off, then the slackers told me to fuck off and I never wanted to feel tired all the time so that excludes the overachievers.


I had this issue. I never fit in with the popular kids because we liked different things and I could not go for their life-styles. We were chill in school, but that was it. Many of the nerds literally pride themselves in being anti-social. I remember one person saying that he gets sick at the start of school as he quite literally stays in his room all summer and never leaves, so he is not exposed to germs before returning.

You can find some decent people, but they are always busy because sports, band, or work. I feel like Zoomers are shoved to do more at the cost of social experiences. I look at things like my sister’s softball, and it really is a time sink used to make college athletes out of middle schoolers. The goal is not to make friends, rather to become a professional for scouts. I cannot say much though, I use my part-time as a crutch for social experiences. I work like 4-5 days a week just to keep busy, and I loathed the fact that I could not work at a camp this summer. I feel like you either overload yourself with a mix of school and activities, or you become a burn-out.



Shadfan666xxx000 said:


> Honestly, the closest thing to friends I've made were in depressive college parties where I either hooked up or we ended up spilling our guts out about some existential angst and i suspect that could only happen when you're young and know for sure you'll never see them again.


I had my best chance at college as well. Met a girl who is a complete B$&*h, but in a good, funny way. The type that losers online salivate over cause she had the personality of one of those hate the world goth girls. I tried to hang out with her more as we had hit it off, but after a while I stopped seeing her before class as she would come late and eventually she would not even answer a text. Kinda sad really, it is like I hit loser jackpot, but lost it all with no explanation. I am guessing that she wanted to cut ties with the school as she hated it there.

I miss going up to her car every morning and talking for like 20 mins before we split off to different classes.


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## verygayFrogs (Oct 4, 2020)

Pissmaster said:


> What happened? (don't powerlevel)





Spoiler



Former friend turned on me because I didn’t go to her party (for a personal thing), others moved away, others found better friends, 2  kept flaking on me all the time and one tried to turn me into a Mormon bc she only invited me to her house for 1 Christmas party (and got pissed when I was hanging out w her sister, who wasn’t rude at all.) and the other times was during their tv things, not counting the time I called her ass out for saying straight to my face that I was the last option to take w her to a major city a couple hours away. I gave myself a Dickish outer shell to hide my sensitivity but since it was a small town, half of them knew me from elementary and managed to pick all the right buttons. I was able to befriend some younger kids but one of them gave everyone but me friendship bracelets except me and when I asked about the extra, flat out admitted they were giving it to one of my flaky friends. This basically brought my piss to a boil bc these kids got my extra culinary leftovers, I helped them w class work and their troubles and that was the fucking thanks I got. I just recently got an apology from that flaky friend after they used my phone number for something w/o my consent. The only friend I do have left doesn’t even respond to my texts so it really stings.


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## Olhelm (Oct 5, 2020)

Oglooger said:


> I think @Olhelm, our small circle of friends and I are that rare exception since we grew up in a time before social media really dominated everything, I don't know why it is that the concept of friendship is rare nowadays, I guess we're all expected to drift away as time goes on and I really don't know how to put it to words.
> power level but my little brother seems to be able to just drop long friendships at a hat just because they don't talk about things that interests him personally, he can just leave people without even leaving a good bye message and I think it's due to oversocilization and rampant social media.


Aye, we're the bosomest of bros. Though I think that has more to do with the idea that we were both in the same sort of category of person when we met. We were politically-minded, talkative dudes who everyone hated. So we just sort of attracted each other.

Then we talked about Trigun, and that was that. Yer my bro, bro.


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## Parallel Moon (Oct 5, 2020)

I dont really feel like there are that many people that I trust enough to truly be my friend. I'll go out and have a few drinks with someone or go shopping but I wont confide any deep secrets to them or anything like that. I was burned by "friends" a lot in my earlier life, so now friendships are very superficial for me. It used to really bother me a lot but I'm pretty numb to it now. I guess I have a lot more things to occupy my mind as an adult, so it's not a priority.


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## Duncan Hills Coffee (Oct 5, 2020)

This is something that's been worrying me ever since I graduated from college this year.

I'm a very introverted person. It takes me a long time to warm up to people, usually several months. This is why I hardly made any friends in college because by the time I realized someone in my class was cool, it was already the end of the semester and I'm really fucking terrible at keeping up with people if I'm not around them. The friends I did make lived near me so I was in constant proximity to them. And now that I graduated and very likely to get a job working from home, I'm concerned that I basically missed my chance to form any kind of social life. And like I said, I'm very introverted, I hate going to places where I don't know anybody and I never liked going to parties or other gatherings.

It's like on the one hand, I hate socializing and always preferred to keep my social circle small, but on the other hand it's nice to hang out with other people once in a while and you can't do that if you don't know anybody to hang out with.


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## Fougaro (Oct 6, 2020)

> Do (most) adults have healthy friendships?


Unless you're autistic, mentally handicapped or raised by incompetent parents to be a flailing spastic or otherwise a retard and a fuckup, it is unnatural not to have meaningful and healthy friendships in your (advanced) adult years. Because most people between 18-49 in this day and age in the civilised world (at least in the western hemisphere) are flailing spastics, retards and fuckups or at the very least in one form or another mentally ill (for reasons that might go way beyond the scope of this question), it is natural that we would ponder questions like these.


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## Never Scored (Oct 6, 2020)

It seems normal for friends to thin out as you get older and I think there are a few reasons for that:

1) Many people I was friends with when I was younger, I went to high school or college with and when school was done we didn't really hang out any more.

2) You have a mutual interest and it goes by the wayside. I used to smoke a lot of weed. I had a friend I hung out with constantly and smoked weed with. We both kind of stopped smoking weed and now we haven't talked in years.

3) Some people just never grow up or grow as people and it gets tiresome so you don't want to associate with them anymore. I have a friend who met this crazy bitch, got a house with her, knocked her up, got married, had a kid, got divorced, lost the house, declared bankruptcy and lost the kid all within five years. I stopped hanging out with him because after that was done, he met another crazy bitch, and everyone warned him she was crazy this time around, and knocked her up even faster and now they're engaged. He and the first girl I mentioned only even met in 2014. We're talking about a timeline of six years total here. No thank you, I don't need to watch that train-wreck again.

4) I work full time. I have a wife and children. I want to spend time with my wife and children. I have hobbies I want to partake in myself. That doesn't leave a lot of room for more than a couple close friends.


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## UntimelyDhelmise (Oct 6, 2020)

I only really had church friends growing up. Then in my latter teenage years we moved to a different town and all but a couple of them faded from memory, only for one to move on and the other to become some genderspecial bullshit.

Since then I turned to online circles as an alternative but that's also been turbulent. First group lasted for a while until I got cancelled when I expressed annoyance at the troon infestation that plagued the place, which also cost me my first genuine relationship. Now I'm kind of tentatively hanging out with a much smaller band of chums who are easier to discuss the crap going on in the world with.

I've all but given up on trying to find real life friends at this point however, between politics ravaging every facet of society and the politicized virus dismantling any semblance of normal human interaction I fail to see any hope in that department. I genuinely wish to have buddies I could call on to play games, watch movies and generally shoot the shit with, but that feels like an ever increasing impossibility as time goes on and reality turns more and more sideways...


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## Parallel Moon (Oct 6, 2020)

Its seems like a lot of people in this thread lost friendships due to political reasons but for me it's mostly gossip that has ruined mine. There is no respect for being discrete and keeping other people's personal lives to yourself anymore.

The last time I had a "friend" they broadcast crap about my personal life to everyone in the vicinity and by the end of the week had posted it on Facebook and then were telling me that they were talking about me with their mother. WTF I had never even SEEN their mother. And nothing I told them was some deep sordid detail about my life... just normal things that you would expect from a person my age. I fail to see how it was even gossip worthy. I don't see how it would interest anyone who didn't know me.

I'm also not really into gossip about other people. I can't sustain interest in whether Bob and Janet are fucking each other or Betty spilled a drink at the office Christmas party for more than a few minutes. I just don't care and find it boring. And if that is half of what another person talks about, then I see them as untrustworthy. I don't want to  be the next item of gossip for them so I keep my mouth shut about things I dont want my entire workplace or their mothers to know about.

Which of course leads to me having superficial relationships that are based on me talking about food or tv shows. I am even careful about that in some circumstances because I've had people try to make me out to be a weirdo for liking science fiction.

I know no one is perfect but I don't find myself enthusiastic about meeting anymore women like that. And I have a lot of things going on in my life so it's too much effort to find people who are willing to be my friend who aren't gossipy bitches.


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## PaleTay (Oct 8, 2020)

-4ZURE- said:


> I did marching in freshman year and never wanted to go back. All my relationships in high school came after the activity, though they were not social outside of school. Marching really sets you at a disposition as all time gets eaten up by it, and while the instructors act like they are putting together things to make friends, 95% of the time it was be quiet and play correctly. I was in an even worse position as I could not march due to scoliosis, so I had to hang in the percussion group which was filled with people who were 2-3 years older than me and had already had a pre-established dynamic. You just feel awkward even though they were nice people overall.
> 
> I made friends with a band group, but they were kind of on the weird side. They seemed incapable of functioning as a unit, having many occasions where they set something up only for like half the group to appear as most made excuses to not leave the house. Many really did nothing though, it was a once a year occurrence to receive a call to do anything. I used to try to reach out, but after multiple failed attempts, I just gave up and accepted them as school friends and nothing else. Even when things did happen, the one guy who called everyone over would just sit and play computer games on his laptop by himself or with his twin brother.
> 
> ...


I guess I was one of the reluctantly popular kids, I was basically a rich jock, great personality, but also nerdy. I got along really well with some people who became minor celebrities and some of the most popular girls, and I got dragged to parties but I rarely wanted to be there. Most of the guys were great friends but no longer live nearby, or schedules are annoying and we don't hangout regularly. Many of the popular girls pressured me to cut out less popular girls and sometimes I did, or they were otherwise high-maintenance and I missed out on spending time with who I wanted to, and I later stopped being friends with the popular girls as well. I did push back on some of the mean girls shit, which made me a few enemies as well.

I miss those days, experiencing it and contrasting it with adulthood is depressing. I'm fit, smart, and a great person and I miss having people push me to improve or maintain that. I live at the gym, and volunteer a lot to kill time.

I had a similar experience in university with a model who was more or less a female version of me, until we had a falling out out over something dumb. Some of the popular girls tried to sabotage that friendship, which might have tipped it over the edge.


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## Sped Xing (Oct 9, 2020)

HumanHive said:


> Only children have “friends”.


People hated HumanHive because he told them the truth.

It's not that adults can't have friends in the sense of people they're on good terms with and may choose to spend a little leisure time with.  It's that the adolescent conception of friendship as any sort of bond or mutual obligation has no business in the life of someone with a spouse and children.

Anyone over the age of 30 still concerned with having "friends" is a failure to launch sped.  Most often, it seems people get stuck at whatever stage of life they find most disappointing.  The 29-year-old who still wants to go carousing with his bros is mad that he had no bros at 19, and rather than moving on to better things is stuck attempting to relive the glory days he never had.

It's the sort of creeps who say "high school is the best years of your life."  Grow up.


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