# New Year's Resolutioners Infesting the Gym



## Butcher Pete (Dec 25, 2021)

It's that time of the year again, gymbros. My gym already has the membership photo machine set up, and new members are already underfoot in their trash-bag running suits and ankle weights doing wrist curls on the treadmill.

Now I got no problem with people just starting out, who maybe don't know exactly what to do but are trying to figure it out. They're trying, and everybody has to start somewhere. But the New Year also attracts a lot weirdos. I've witnessed--

1. Some porker drinking a Coke while running on the treadmill.

2. Some dude sitting backwards on the seated overhead press Nautilus machine. There's a diagram on how to use the machine correctly on the machine itself. C'mon, man!

3. No, being in the squat rack does not make your pushups/leglifts/dumbell-curls/grade-school arm-rotations better. It just pisses off the guys who want to do squats.

4. Some Russian chick doing upward hip-thrusts on the Smith machine. Kinda hot tbh

5. The Screamer. No need to focus your ki on the lat pulldown machine, my dude.

6. I just got approached by some dude who "makes his own workout gear" out of shitty craft store supplies. No, I don't want to buy a shirt, you spelled "Supreme" wrong. 

7. The serial networkers. I'm here to lift, not talk business. No, I don't want to join your LinkedIn group.

The gym even offers beginner orientations, but it looks like no one is taking them up on it. I'm torn between taking a week or two off or going to see what new brand of crazy walks in off the streets.

This is the place to share your New Year's Resolutioner gym stories.


----------



## CivilianOfTheFandomWars (Dec 25, 2021)

There’s one guy who shows up at the gym in the early morning when I’m there before work, and I need you to imagine this lean white cholo who does the most bro shit you’ve ever seen. No control of form, like amazingly bad form, turns a tricep push down into a weird lat movement, ever rep is a cheat rep, uses the calf machine as a shoulder press, hoards the dumbbells, never hits legs, stares moggingly into the mirror at all times while doing his 30th set of bicep curls/front delt raise.
I’m just waiting for him to hurt himself, tbh.

We also just have the new crowd of Zoomers with their perms and Gymshark shirts and Bang Energy, who are obviously following the advice of the ‘scientific’ bodybuilding scene because they just rest the whole time.
I make sure to do my shoulder work right next to them, to instill fear and respect.


----------



## Cup Noodle (Dec 25, 2021)

I WORK for a living and around the homestead.  It's surprising how much muscle you can gain from feed bags and firewood.  Quit bitching and just fuck the Russian chick already since you are such an alpha chad.


----------



## Iron Jaguar (Dec 25, 2021)

I train at home. Mainly as a time saving measure, but also so I don't have to listen to shitty music being blared at me.
I don't know why gym managers think Meghan Trainor is a great accompaniment to weight training.


----------



## P.0.0.P (Dec 25, 2021)

I train at home, but before the pandemic I also attended to a particular gym that started well, but then it began to fill with decrepit and various idiots.

1. Too many morons who only took photos with trainers as if they were their lovers posing with chains and other items that supposedly make you look "tough", while there were people who really needed assistance and support in certain things.

2. SIMPS. damn it. The fucking mother who gave birth to them. Every time I or someone else used a seat or machine, certain girls would come to ask us for the machine when we started, and for obvious reasons we had to ask them to wait, but there was always a SIMP orbiting us to push us or want to cause conflicts for not being "gentlemen" enough. Worst of all, many of these girls only sat down and went on social media when they barely did 2 reps.

3. The music used to be great as they produced rock, metal, classics from the 80s and 90s. Hell, they even played eurobeat every once in a while until they stuffed it with pop fuckery and shitty shit.

4. The machines began to rust and there was no longer the same level of maintenance as before. Certain machines became dangerous and unused. A complete shithole. 

5. I was paying for my annual membership at the beginning of 2020, so that at the end the gym closes and they take all my money without any type of refund. Now its a freaking starbucks.


----------



## Jarch6 (Dec 25, 2021)

Iron Jaguar said:


> I train at home. Mainly as a time saving measure, but also so I don't have to listen to shitty music being blared at me.
> I don't know why gym managers think Meghan Trainor is a great accompaniment to weight training.


Same, as someone who isn't a pro athlete or anything you can get along perfectly fine with calisthenics and some basic weights (Alongside a form of cardio, I bought a rowing machine since I like it). The home gym thing has had its benefits highlighted even more with all this covid shit causing some gyms to be locked down or to make you do a bunch of bullshit like wearing a mask while exercising (altitude mask wearers vindicated, you goofy ass niggas were prepared!).


----------



## Dyn (Dec 25, 2021)

If you go to the gym at all you're a gigafaggot just fill some trashbags up with water and tie them to a curtain rod.


----------



## UselessPieceOfShit (Dec 25, 2021)

My country's government is handing out neetbux that you can spend on shit like cinema, gym and books. It's not much and will cover only 2 months of gym memebership but I'm planning to join. But I'm really anxious about other people who join because of neetbux and New Year Resolutioners. Lifting weights in a crowded space is very stressful for introvers like me. So maybe I should stick to working out at home. I like calisthenics a lot more anyway, but every fitness expert on the internet is always like "nooo you need to lift weights, cardio will literally kill you, lifting weights is the only form of work out that matters". So idk, it just makes me think that everything I do is pointless.


----------



## Yellow Yam Scam (Dec 25, 2021)

don't go to commercial gyms retards


----------



## Some JERK (Dec 25, 2021)

You really only need a gym if you're already so fucking jacked that you have trouble finding shit heavy enough to tear your muscle fibers in a safe and controlled way. I'd say that just about everyone else is pretty much fine with bodyweight exercises and cardio.


----------



## The Spice boi (Dec 25, 2021)

ATHF Carl - You're gonna die
					






					youtu.be


----------



## Pocket Dragoon (Dec 25, 2021)

UselessPieceOfShit said:


> every fitness expert on the internet is always like "nooo you need to lift weights, cardio will literally kill you, lifting weights is the only form of work out that matters".


Whenever I hear shit like that (or I hear someone say you can't run in boots), I introduce them to this guy, my favorite Australian who didn't die/fight in a war; Cliff Young, a rancher who started running ultramarathons _at the age of 56._


> ....  He ran continuously for five days, taking the lead during the first night and eventually winning by 10 hours. Before running the race, he had told the press that he had previously run for two to three days straight rounding up sheep in gumboots.[10] He said afterwards that during the race he imagined he was running after sheep trying to outrun a storm.


Cliff grew up on a sheep farm, which might have had something to do with it.


> The family farm was approximately 2,000 acres (810 ha) in size with approximately 2,000 sheep.  As a child Young was forced to round up the stock on foot as the family were very poor during the depression and could not afford horses.


His running style has even been adopted by many in the military, the "Ranger Shuffle" is a direct result of his influence.  The guy was an utter madman, but if you watch the Nijmegen March every year, the fastest to finish use the same gait.  Militaries from around the world send teams to that event, and the shuffle was near ubiquitous for the competitive guys.

And incidentally, it also helps fatbodies run by reducing impact & stress; but it's really hard to maintain on a treadmill.  Yet another reason to ditch superspreading gyms; and besides that, if it ain't raining, it ain't training.


----------



## Hellspawn (Dec 25, 2021)

Oof.
I don't need go to gyms though. I don't have any stories to tell. 
How many of these New Year newbies actually follow through? It'd be interesting to see a study on this.

I think it'd be better to exercise early, when they've just opened for the day. I reckon the resolutioners wouldn't bother waking up that early.


----------



## Dyn (Dec 25, 2021)

UselessPieceOfShit said:


> My country's government is handing out neetbux that you can spend on shit like cinema, gym and books. It's not much and will cover only 2 months of gym memebership but I'm planning to join. But I'm really anxious about other people who join because of neetbux and New Year Resolutioners. Lifting weights in a crowded space is very stressful for introvers like me. So maybe I should stick to working out at home. I like calisthenics a lot more anyway, but every fitness expert on the internet is always like "nooo you need to lift weights, cardio will literally kill you, lifting weights is the only form of work out that matters". So idk, it just makes me think that everything I do is pointless.


so fill garbage bags with water and lift them, retard

I still don't understand how anyone turned 'running but you don't go anywhere' or 'a heavy thing to lift' into something retards pay actual money for.


----------



## Mop_Bucket (Dec 25, 2021)

This time of year isn't even safe for people who exercise at home. My condo has a tile floor so I use my kettlebells out in the grass and the local fats insist on approaching me to either ask questions about what I'm doing or trying tell me that kettlebell exercises are bad for you. I'm trying to concentrate, fuck off.



UselessPieceOfShit said:


> I like calisthenics a lot more anyway, but every fitness expert on the internet is always like "nooo you need to lift weights, cardio will literally kill you, lifting weights is the only form of work out that matters". So idk, it just makes me think that everything I do is pointless.



This is why I fucking hate "opinion" fitness channels. Regular cardio is undeniably the MOST important thing for someone to maintain their health. And you also have sub 80 IQ gym rats on youtube who have no idea what they're talking about when it even comes to weight lifting. People regularly talk about how kettlebell exercises are dangerous because they saw a video of some retard on youtube who decided to grab a 50 lb bell without warming up or having any concept of proper form and throw their back out.


----------



## UncleTusky (Dec 25, 2021)

Hellspawn said:


> How many of these New Year newbies actually follow through? It'd be interesting to see a study on this.


You have triggered my 'tism, according to this article about 80% of the New Year's resolutioners leave within five months, the author's guess is that the people who leave are mostly the ones who don't now what they're doing (not his words but he notes that people involved in onboarding programs and group classes are less likely to leave).


----------



## UselessPieceOfShit (Dec 25, 2021)

Dyn said:


> If you go to the gym at all you're a gigafaggot just fill some trashbags up with water and tie them to a curtain rod.





Dyn said:


> so fill garbage bags with water and lift them, retard


Dude, calm down, no one cares about your trashbags.



Mop_Bucket said:


> My condo has a tile floor so I use my kettlebells out in the grass and the local fats insist on approaching me to either ask questions about what I'm doing or trying tell me that kettlebell exercises are bad for you. I'm trying to concentrate, fuck off.


Kettlebells are patrician tier, respect.


----------



## Dyn (Dec 25, 2021)

UselessPieceOfShit said:


> Dude, calm down, no one cares about your trashbags.


You're the little ho crying about being afraid to lift weights around other people, I hand you the obvious solution and you slap it away.


----------



## Xenomorph (Dec 25, 2021)

Gyms are trash just fill fucking canvas bags with sand and shit and walk around.


----------



## Coelacanth (Dec 25, 2021)

I lift from home too, but my mom used to brace herself whenever New Years came around because the fitness place she used to go to before the coof hit used to be swamped with resolutioners to the point there'd be queues outside for the first two weeks.


----------



## Weeb_Killer (Dec 26, 2021)

Only retards use gyms. A pull up bar and a bench press, that's all us ubermenschers need.


----------



## CivilianOfTheFandomWars (Dec 26, 2021)




----------



## likeacrackado (Dec 27, 2021)

I usually go to the gym around midnight so I avoid the vast majority of temporary exercisers. Late fall through early spring is great because it's me and a few other guys max and we can stay out of eachothers way. Summers worse because groups of guys come like:


CivilianOfTheFandomWars said:


> View attachment 2830004


Or the beaner and black equivalents playing music or having loud conversations between curl reps. 

I've tried going to my gym(national chain) during peak hours and it's a mad house. I dont know how anyone gets anything done other than hogging one or two machines.


----------



## Idiotron (Dec 27, 2021)

Last time I went to the gym, boxcutters were still allowed on planes.
You really don't need it.
It also won't make you fit, you'll get a nice looking body and you'll be able to lift heavy things but that's about it, I know buff dudes who can't run a mile without coughing up their lungs because all they do is lift weights.

Also, I don't have a lot of space but I still managed to make a mini-gym in the bedrooom.
Also also, unless you want to get really fucking huge, which doesn't even look good, you can get ripped just by using your body weight, no equipment necessary at all.

If you want to get fit, do some physical activity that involves a lot of movement, something that's more fun than just lifting things and putting them down.


----------



## GoPro (Dec 27, 2021)

UselessPieceOfShit said:


> I like calisthenics a lot more anyway, but every fitness expert on the internet is always like "nooo you need to lift weights, cardio will literally kill you, lifting weights is the only form of work out that matters".


That's because weights are the most efficient for building muscle and let you easily progress in small increments. Most people working out do so to get bigger, and they only care about vanity muscles. That's who most internet fitness "experts" cater to. Cardio can slow your hypertrophy progress, and that's what these people want to avoid. Hence the "don't do cardio" sentiment.
Avoiding cardio is a bad, unless you want to die of a heart attack in a sauna. Heart is your most important muscle, so do not neglect it. You'd be surprised how many ripped guys have resting heart rate close to 100. That paired up with roids is why so many bodybuilders' heart are giving out. According to most health organizations everyone needs at least 30 minutes of cardio every day. Running is most popular, but even dancing and brisk walks will do. Burpees and jumping rope are two good options for people who do not want to leave their home.

Calisthenics is great and very underrated. However, it has its limits just like weightlifting does. Combination of the two is best in my experience.


----------



## lurk_moar (Dec 27, 2021)

Buying my own gym equipment is probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. My treadmill is always open and ready to use.


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Dec 27, 2021)

I do all my lifting shit at home but I start every workout with a run or cycling, so this is the time of year where for the first few weeks of January the paths will be crowded with people, usually in very clean shoes and matching workout gear. It thins out pretty noticeably by February.

*edit* I should probably admit that the last time I was in anything resembling a gym it was the high school weight room, ages before I started really lifting. If I walked into a gym right now, 80% of what I would try to do would probably be completely retarded


----------



## Suction Bucket (Dec 29, 2021)

I'm in training for a big judo grading/competition in March, so I've been running and gymming pretty regularly.

Went to the gym couple of days ago, am lifting away. Young guy [in pristine workout outfit] with trashbag body is "coaching" a young woman [in pristine workout outfit] on the major lifts. He's doing it wrong, but I don't care enough to intervene. Until they get to squats, where he has her facing the wrong way in the rack AND has the rack set way too high for her, so she has to tiptoe to re-rack. She nearly fucks herself up a couple of times trying this.

"S'cuse me pal - it's a lot easier if ye face into the rack, and if ye start the bar at notch 7 rather than 8 you winnae huv tae tipto-"
"Ehm...I _know_ what I'm doing, *thank you*."
"Aight, fine"

Stick in the headphones, and do my bidness, when suddenly I hear a commotion. Big Fergus, a 50-something man tank who used to be an undersea welder and is basically what I want to be when I grow up, has trashbag boy by the neck, and is barking "YE WIR FUCKIN' TELT" while gesturing towards me. I hustle across and get them seperated, but not before Fergus slaps trashbag boy about a bit.

Turns out, trashbag boy's eccentric squat technique had resulted in 15kg klokovs hitting Fergus not once, not twice, but _thrice_. At no point was an apology proferred, and eventually Fergus lost the rag.

Yesterday I went for a run, and some weird dude tried to come with me. He'd apparently seen me running past his house, and decided that he was going to join me, get the old new year's resolution started early, ha ha ha, is that okay? It's fine, I guess.

Ten minutes later, he's fucked his breathing up trying to make small talk while running, and limps off home. 

The weight room today was full of spindly teenagers doing Goku scream 10kg powercleans, and throwing the weights down like they're trying to strike oil. Their protein shakers and £300 weightlifting shoes strewn about willy-nilly. Any dumbell under 5kg is being curled in front of a mirror. A red faced middle aged man lectures me on my form and tells me he used to be "strong as a fukken horse" when he was in the army. 5 minutes later, he is puffing and sweating with the effort of moving a bench 5 metres.

January before last a guy showed up at judo class in an incredibly expensive looking gi, with grappling team badges sewn onto it, tried to shoot powerbomb a dude, tried to correct an actual Olympian on armbar technique, then barfed after a drill. 

Happy New Year.


----------



## Flaming_Barghast (Jan 4, 2022)

Suction Bucket said:


> I'm in training for a big judo grading/competition in March, so I've been running and gymming pretty regularly.
> 
> Went to the gym couple of days ago, am lifting away. Young guy [in pristine workout outfit] with trashbag body is "coaching" a young woman [in pristine workout outfit] on the major lifts. He's doing it wrong, but I don't care enough to intervene. Until they get to squats, where he has her facing the wrong way in the rack AND has the rack set way too high for her, so she has to tiptoe to re-rack. She nearly fucks herself up a couple of times trying this.
> 
> ...


I understand some of those words.


----------



## No Batty Boys in Jamaica (Jan 4, 2022)

I've been doing a cut cycle and riding my bike around the city to burn calories while the resolutioners are doing their thing. Rode 30 miles on Sunday. And I stick to the bike paths so I don't get hit by a car.


----------



## Hollywood Hulk Hogan (Jan 7, 2022)

My gym is pretty low on new years resolutioners this year. There's some, of course, but it's fewer than usual. 

I think it was last year had an insane amount. One guy was using a bench press station for curling. Like, curling just the bar and taking up the whole fucking bench during busy times. He could've just taken a bar and curled it somewhere else, but nooo, he has to use a bench press station. I've also seen people sitting on the curl station padding (that you're supposed to use for concentration curls) while they curl dumbbells. Or the guy who thinks because he can leg press 500 lb that means he can squat 500 lbs and he nearly dies just unracking it. 

Then of course there's the high school kids who do the same workout every day and just goof off the whole time. Annoys the shit out of me because they're taking up equipment that someone else might need.


----------



## Gravityqueen4life (Jan 7, 2022)

you think COVID would scare people away but the gym is still rather full. 

dont forget to read your yearly SIR /fit/ comic.


----------



## CivilianOfTheFandomWars (Jan 8, 2022)

Gravityqueen4life said:


> you think COVID would scare people away but the gym is still rather full.
> 
> dont forget to read your yearly SIR /fit/ comic.





Spoiler: We’re all gonna make it brahs


----------



## BobbyBriggs69420 (Jan 8, 2022)

I'm seeing a lot more than normal young teenagers, boys and girls who seem like they are there and making their way station to station on orders of their parents. (who are presumably someplace else in the gym) Like they're not even trying, they'll set the machines to the lowest weight, yank the handle or whatever back and forth real fast for a bit to get their credit as if being watched, then sit there just occupying and playing on their phone.


----------



## thejackal (Jan 12, 2022)

My gym is mostly a zoomer gym and we've seen an influx of skinny fats lately, mostly asian (the white adjacent types) dudes with their GFs. This one guy was doing 35 lb shoulder shrugs in front of the rack. Bro.


----------



## No Batty Boys in Jamaica (Jan 13, 2022)

BobbyBriggs69420 said:


> I'm seeing a lot more than normal young teenagers, boys and girls who seem like they are there and making their way station to station on orders of their parents.


I've noticed this too. Except that at my gym it's mostly high school athletes who know what they're doing. They show up during the football off-season. 


thejackal said:


> My gym is mostly a zoomer gym and we've seen an influx of skinny fats lately, mostly asian (the white adjacent types) dudes with their GFs. This one guy was doing 35 lb shoulder shrugs in front of the rack. Bro.


There has been a slight influx of skinnyfat Asians at my gym but they're not coming with their GFs. They don't have GFs. All of them are well under 6'. They've also been coming consistently and doing appropriate workouts, probably because they know how fucked they are in the dating game if they don't get gains.


----------



## StopSneeding (Jan 13, 2022)

Have been building a basic home gym for a bit. Resistance bands, pull up bar, treadmill, crunch cradel, and have a weight bench/squat rack on the way. Would like to get a membership somewhere, but with my work/school schedule it doesn't really allow me to go to any facilities. Once the influx of people dies down, maybe I can work something out and start going. Local facilities are limiting their hours and enforcing mask mandates again due to COVID concerns unfortunately.


----------



## Pie (Jan 13, 2022)

Had someone lose their footing on one of the treadmills at the gym I attend, they held on for dear life only to be launched off of the thing because the tread was still moving. It was like something straight out of a looney toons cartoon or one of those animations in the sims games.

Haven't seen them since.


----------



## No Batty Boys in Jamaica (Jan 13, 2022)

Pie said:


> Had someone lose their footing on one of the treadmills at the gym I attend, they held on for dear life only to be launched off of the thing because the tread was still moving. It was like something straight out of a looney toons cartoon or one of those animations in the sims games.
> 
> Haven't seen them since.


Lmao, first resolutioner eliminated. Didn't know how the safety lanyard works. I think the whole New Year's Resolution thing as it is practiced today is stupid.  Resolutioners want to lose a certain, usually large number of pounds in a year. They should be thinking about a small amount every week. That mindset makes procrastination and cheat days less viable. And with exercise, they have vague goals, like "get in shape".
Best way to do it with weightlifting is to get your form right, then try to add 5-10lbs each week. Watch the rookie gains accumulate. 5lb and 2.5lb weights are your friend. Instead, people use machines because they seem way safer and don't require a spotter. They're able to heave large sounding numbers like 100 and 175, forgetting that machines give you a mechanical advantage. So many leg day skippers out there too.


----------

