# Asshole Things You Do



## GS 281 (Jul 23, 2015)

I get bored from time to time, and I like agitating people. It is difficult to do so in my normal life, so I have turned to the Internet to facilitate my immature needs. One thing that I have taken to recently is using BackPage to locate hookers who seem like they will be unstable. Generally, someone who is in prostitution will not have the most stable mindset, but some are more easy to agitate than others. I don't use my real number, I use textnow to do it. Below is an example of the rustling you can do in just a few short minutes. By using a few background resources you can find a lot out about these girls and rattle their cages pretty quick. You find out the right stuff and you can pose as anyone to them. So what asshole things do you do?







BTW, the voicemail is her threatening to call the cops on me


----------



## Null (Jul 23, 2015)

i run this dump


----------



## Organic Fapcup (Jul 23, 2015)

I browse this dump


----------



## Inquisitor_BadAss (Jul 23, 2015)

I used to post ridiculous amounts porn on Harry potter and twighlight forums with my friends when they were still popular. We also raided the same beyblade forum at least once a month to the point where the Admin shut it down for about four months. 
These days I just mess about with colleagues which usually involves gluing the computer mouse to the desk, covering somebody's entire desk and computer in sticky notes or taping over the key hole on draws.


----------



## Boundman (Jul 23, 2015)

I tend to befriend admins on those really childish faction Minecraft servers, find something broken and get them to give me access to their server host (these kids love their server hosts) and then edit permissions to give me all commands and then fix whatever is broken. Sometimes I install MobDisguise and pretend to be their friends, get someone to screencap me pretending to be the friend and grief the spawn then send the screencaps to the owner. I must have broken up a few 14-year olds friendships by now, I like to be in the Skype call when it goes down.

Then I screw with things, giving players loads of commands and then leave. I do some other things IRL, but I don't think it's very fitting here.


----------



## Pikonic (Jul 23, 2015)

At my old job there was this guy who was there for the baseball camp who double parked his SUV in handicapped spots. I told my boss we should call the cops (the baseball camp people were always assholes) and his bitch ass says he can't. So I did something. When no one was around the lot I leave a note on his windshield, I don't remember the word for word but it was something like this,

"What kind of person double parks in two handicapped spots? You. Next time try to be more considerate for people who aren't as able bodied as you.


You should probably take a look through your car before you start it."

I didn't do anything to his car. My security guy told me this guy frantically searched his car bottom to top, inside and out, before he finally left.
He never parked in the handicapped again.


----------



## Oglooger (Jul 24, 2015)

Karnon said:


> I tend to befriend admins on those really childish faction Minecraft servers, find something broken and get them to give me access to their server host (these kids love their server hosts) and then edit permissions to give me all commands and then fix whatever is broken. Sometimes I install MobDisguise and pretend to be their friends, get someone to screencap me pretending to be the friend and grief the spawn then send the screencaps to the owner. I must have broken up a few 14-year olds friendships by now, I like to be in the Skype call when it goes down.
> 
> Then I screw with things, giving players loads of commands and then leave. I do some other things IRL, but I don't think it's very fitting here.



I imagine you doing this all as the Gman.


----------



## Fialovy (Jul 24, 2015)

When I was 10 on Runescape, I would be random guy's Runescape girlfriends because they would give me free stuff. I was "girlfriend" to multiple guys. I had no idea what I was doing half the time, I just sort of rolled with it because  I just knew that being a gold digger would get me free stuff... I got a lot of stuff from it.

Of course, little did these guys know, well... I was 10...

Edit: yeah, so basically, I punished people for being creeps by talking them into giving me their Runescape gold and items and doing stuff on Runescape for me and then ditched them. My brother and his friends liked playing pranks and being general assholes on Runescape too


----------



## OtterParty (Jul 24, 2015)

I like to report bad posts


----------



## DuskEngine (Jul 24, 2015)

Fialovy said:


> When I was 10 on Runescape, I would be random guy's Runescape girlfriends because they would give me free stuff. I was "girlfriend" to multiple guys. I had no idea what I was doing half the time, I just sort of rolled with it because  I just knew that being a gold digger would get me free stuff... I got a lot of stuff from it.
> 
> Of course, little did these guys know, well... I was 10...



gf bought


----------



## HG 400 (Jul 24, 2015)

Fialovy said:


> Of course, little did these guys know, well... I was 10...



Trust me, they knew.


----------



## Fialovy (Jul 24, 2015)

Dynastia said:


> Trust me, they knew.



Usually I left them and took their stuff before it got too creepy


----------



## HG 400 (Jul 24, 2015)

Fialovy said:


> Usually I left them with their stuff before it got too creepy



Mostly I escaped the pedophiles.... mostly.


----------



## Fialovy (Jul 24, 2015)

Dynastia said:


> Mostly I escaped the pedophiles.... mostly.



I pretended I was older and didn't reveal any information about myself


----------



## HG 400 (Jul 24, 2015)

Fialovy said:


> I pretended I was older and didn't reveal any information about myself



Ten year olds pretending they're not ten year olds are pretty obvious, dude.


----------



## dabluearmedbandit (Jul 24, 2015)

I'm a serial killer, but I'm behind 7 proxies so I'm not too worried about talking about it online.


----------



## Queen of Tarts (Jul 24, 2015)

I lie about having sweets so I don't have to give them out to friends and can keep them for myself.


----------



## Dr. Tremolo (Jul 24, 2015)

I eat all the best chocolates out of a box before everyone else


----------



## Mourning Dove (Jul 24, 2015)

Even though I have a Bachelor's degree in Environmental Studies, I sometimes don't give a fuck when it comes to recycling. People around me are constantly throwing recyclable items away, so what difference will little ol' me make? Many times I think, our planet is going to hell despite everything good I try to do anyway, so what's the point?

Maybe I just need to move out of this backwards as fuck state (Kansas).


----------



## Roger Rabbit (Jul 24, 2015)

I write for the Kiwi Farms.


----------



## Night Terror (Jul 24, 2015)

i eat kit-kats without breaking them first


----------



## Doctor Professor Timon (Jul 24, 2015)

Take anything said literally.  Not because I'm oblivious, it's just I prefer people to tell me things rather than beat around the bush.

Fastest way to lose my attention is add in unneeded things in a conversation.  So, I return rhetoricals with literal responses and so forth.  Pisses people off.


----------



## Pikonic (Jul 24, 2015)

Satan said:


> So it's like an autistic newspaper now?


I run the advice column, "Dear Pikonic"


----------



## Overcast (Jul 24, 2015)

I find myself griefing people in online games occasionally.

For example, in Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate I go on these LV. 140 guild quest hunts with three other people, I run towards the monster, and instead of attacking I whip out the cooking spit and start making well done meat the entire time.

I created pre made messages such as "Cooking some meat" and "Want some?" and spam it in the chat. 

I would also drop explosive barrels while everyone else was trying to attack a trapped monster, and I would also purposely fail mounts.

Usually, this all results in people abandoning the hunt. After that, I would spend a little while longer in the hunt as I need to have also left the hunt for them to kick me.

It was pretty fun for a while. Definitely gave me a reason to keep playing after 300 hours.


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Jul 24, 2015)

I used to go onto Omegle and heckle random people in Klingon.  Sometimes I would just type in English pretending to be a Klingon. I'd tell them they were dishonorable and that their mother has a smooth forehead.  At some point I had a hilarious dialogue with a guy who wanted to cyber. He told me he was a 6 foot tall well-shaved male from the Netherlands and that he wanted to have an erotic chat. I told him I was a 7 foot tall Klingon from Q'onoS with a very ridged forehead and that we were planning an attack on Starfleet in 3 weeks. 

He disconnected after I offered him some gagh.


----------



## Da Pickle Monsta (Jul 24, 2015)

I like to fuck with telemarketers.  I once told one that they were triggering me, and then I just started screaming and hung up the phone.


----------



## sm0t (Jul 24, 2015)

When I used to work in my only food service job ever about ten years ago, I spat a loogie into one guy's tuna sub because he pissed me off by constantly bitching over how slow I was in making his food even though he was third in the queue and I was the only food preparer during that shift.* I was getting over a cold at the time.

* It was a shitty hole-in-the-wall sub shop in a local mall that was always run by angry immigrants, maybe I'll share more stories elsewhere if the opportunity arises.


----------



## John Titor (Jul 25, 2015)

I did some damage to a guy's car because he's been pissing me off since I got to High School. Let's just say it would take more than water and soap to clean off my mess...


----------



## Shuu Iwamine (Jul 25, 2015)

Back at one of my old jobs, I used to pin random cut-out pictures of Nicolas Cage in my co-workers' cubicles at least twice a week. The co-worker was chosen at random, and I'd use like ten different pictures each time, putting them everywhere around their desks. Every Monday when we had our meetings, our team leader never said anything about it, even when I'd do it to her desk. I'm pretty sure she knew it was me, but I think she didn't care enough to tell me to stop. I think my manager was the only one who ever brought it up to me, and even she didn't tell me to cut it out. In fact, she thought it was funny.

There was one girl I worked with who kept the pictures up, so I just kept adding to her collection when it was her turn to receive the Cage.


----------



## The Fair Lady (Jul 25, 2015)

Sometimes I'll ignore someone who's messaged me online just because I'm not in the mood to talk. This can go on for several weeks, which usually results in me getting spammed by more messages from them. When I do eventually get around to answering them I act all sorry and pretend that I've been busy. It's kind of a bad habit.


----------



## SP 199 (Jul 25, 2015)

I screwed a guys toolbox to the roof once


----------



## ChuckSlaughter (Jul 26, 2015)

Post on kiwi farums​
Without checking if someome already made the same post​
even if I'm alredy sure theyu did​
never fix speling erorrs ever​
Richtext awbuse​
Tahoma master front​


----------



## GS 281 (Jul 26, 2015)

I post on a regional radio message board where professionals discuss radio. There is a discussion board for political discussion. I pose as a bible-thumping Rush Limbaugh conservative. I have gotten local radio hosts, owners of stations in the state and writers of local news to engage in extreme right-wing speech that basically has made them look like Sovereign Citizens among their peers. Their own peers who know their personal information have called them out multiple times for the extreme positions I have angled them to take on abortion, the president and taxation, dropping powerwords and where they work in the process. It got so bad that one radio host from the western part of the state threatened to drive across the state to meet with a producer from the eastern part of the state.


----------



## Cute Anime Girl (Jul 26, 2015)

If you ask anyone who's ridden passenger with me behind the wheel, I apparently drive like an asshole. The reality is everyone else just drives too fucking slow. If I can go 50MPH safely in a 30MPH zone I will.


----------



## nad7155 (Jul 26, 2015)

Da Pickle Monsta said:


> I like to fuck with telemarketers.



That's not being an asshole, that's justice.

Seriously, I know most of these people are just doing a job, but fuck it.

One thing I did until a few months ago was fuck with people who insist on cutting lanes in heavy traffic.

Some tard would ride my ass when I have cars in front of me. They would swing to the other lane and I would speed up so they could not pass.

I stopped doing that when I realized some people don't care about a crash.

EDIT.

On the highway I will move over if there is room.

If I am in the left lane going 80 I will move for someone going faster if it's safe.


----------



## Teddy (Jul 26, 2015)

I never hold doors. Unless they're the elderly.


----------



## FemaleGoodra (Jul 26, 2015)

Substrain-Seven said:


> Back at one of my old jobs, I used to pin random cut-out pictures of Nicolas Cage in my co-workers' cubicles at least twice a week. The co-worker was chosen at random, and I'd use like ten different pictures each time, putting them everywhere around their desks. Every Monday when we had our meetings, our team leader never said anything about it, even when I'd do it to her desk. I'm pretty sure she knew it was me, but I think she didn't care enough to tell me to stop. I think my manager was the only one who ever brought it up to me, and even she didn't tell me to cut it out. In fact, she thought it was funny.
> 
> There was one girl I worked with who kept the pictures up, so I just kept adding to her collection when it was her turn to receive the Cage.


That reminds me of what I did to one of my cousins one Christmas: I put his gift in a box, then added two water bottles to make it seem like the gift was something heavier, and packed it with pictures of Nicolas Cage.


----------



## Save Goober (Jul 26, 2015)

I waited until my boyfriend was near the end of the Wheel of Time series to tell him that Robert Jordan died and didn't finish it (this was awhile before the new one came out). I also let him go to the first Hobbit movie thinking it was going to be the only one, and got away with convincing him there were only going to be two Hobbit movies for about a year but he eventually figured it out. He was really confused at the end of the first one, it was funny.


----------



## Coster (Jul 26, 2015)

I work retail. Normally I'm pretty patient and optimistic around customers, but this lady made me mad. I was rushing off to the bathroom because I was having a bad nose bleed, and this woman tries to stop me like I don't have blood leaking out of my face. I asked a coworker to help her out, told the customer that I was having a bloody nose, and when I came back the coworker told me the lady was pissed at me. (???)

So, went up to the front of the store, and I was the main cashier. I was ringing up this customer that had a lot of items and figuring out whether or not he wanted to buy them, and that customer was next in line. It was almost 10 minutes helping this guy before I felt like I made her wait enough and called for a backup cashier to open another lane.

tl;dr be nice to retail people, I and most of my coworkers work very hard to make people happy with their shopping experience, and if you fuck with us we're going to fuck with you right back without you realizing we're doing it on purpose.


----------



## fishercat (Jul 27, 2015)

I would frequently raid my sibling's Halloween candy stash. I'm living on the edge.


----------



## AdJack (Jul 27, 2015)

I reply to user comments on news sites with the mindset of "lel this guy is dum i trol him" and at some point I get personally involved, rage at the guy, insult him, his family and wish he would die.

I wish I were a chill ruseman.


----------



## SpessCaptain (Jul 27, 2015)

Oh boy guys, I got some stories to tell you - I was a terror in the 2000s to early 2010s.

Back in 2007 me and my friend found a 'High-class' Invite/Approval only Irken Roleplaying community - we were around 12 years old and my friend was obsessed with Invader Zim and she wanted to join up. They had really strict rules about people getting to roleplay and for some reason they had this doorman known as Admiral Zek who was the only person  you had to get around to get into the community to roleplay or even talk, the approval had to be through him alone.

My friend attempted to get into the community but Admiral Zek refused her almost instantly due to the fact that her name wasn't "Irken" enough and she was so  that she vowed never to return again... but she did...  A few months later, she tried again with a sock account with my help writing up a post: Zek gave approval to her and finally joined the forum. There she saw the 'behind the scenes' forum and one thread about approving certain characters - there was a lot of chatter with Zek and another Admin (named Tallest Red) about not letting her original accounts in for an arbitrary reason - one was that they didn't like her posting style or her artwork and they just wanted to get rid of her.

She called me up and told me to make an account, so I did and got approved. Once I joined Tallest Red gave me first access into the secret forums with all this weird roleplay assets. While we were playing nice we also had a mission to scum through all of their posts and leaked out all the plots, messages and 'secret' art assets onto a public Invader Zim forum where and everyone got a kick out of their shitty drawn diagrams of fan-made anatomy charts (Irken dicks, fyi) and shitty fan-service lore, Tallest Red got wind of it and bitched to us on the public forum but quickly returned to their own forum after no one was taking them seriously. When they figured out that we had basically stolen everything 'elite' about them they all raged at me specifically after I found the website's owner MySpace account and messaged them, in 2010 I checked back to see if the community was still up (behold it was, barely.) And tried to get in, the first question they asked if they "were associated with Valiant or their friends." - they were effected by me so much they asked this question to everyone for over *three years*.

---

I got banned from some shit political forum for posting goaste. Not much of a story there.

---


----------



## HG 400 (Jul 27, 2015)

Once I followed a cripple with brittle bone syndrome around for ten minutes loudly mocking him and calling him a worthless shriveled flesh-pretzel and a horrible creepy gnome unloved by humanity and pretending like I wasn't sure if he was a real person or a leathery scrap of God's offcuts, in the middle of a crowded city street in broad daylight. He couldn't outrun me because his motorised wheelchair was too slow. People were clearly horrified but nobody tried to stop me.


----------



## c-no (Jul 27, 2015)

If sperging/making a post that mocks someone counts, I joined some forum a couple years back just to make a post that said "you suck" at the owner/admin due to the guy coming off as a pretentious modder for a vampire game (said guy had some hate boner towards another modder because the latter claimed his mod was a fan-patch). The guy later banned the account on grounds that "jerking him was a no-no".

I unintentionally screwed over some guy over a parking space a few years back on Black Friday. Wasn't paying attention to the cars next to me and I thought the guy asked if some car next to me was mine. Told him it wasn't since I thought he referred to a car I was about to pass by. A few spaces later, I came up to the car I came in and the guy thought I was playing some joke on him. He pretty much called me out without trying to throw a vulgar word. He said "Thanks a lot guy" and drove off. I was pretty much confused.


----------



## LazarusOwenhart (Jul 27, 2015)

In addition to being a security officer I also now do ALL the maintenance at my company (long boring-ass story). Long and short of it is that I have access to basically anything. During the summer the shop floor is roasting hot and our employees suffer serious discomfort. The managers, oblivious to this sit in air conditioned offices pretending the problem doesn't exist. This summer the fuse boards  governing the aircon system have been temperamental, they've been shutting down at random (shortly after the offices occupier has been a dick to me or somebody I like) and neither me, nor the electrician I contract to do stuff I can't, can figure it out. It's the damnedest thing. Also if you want the flickering light tube in your office changed anytime soon you better fucking well ask for "Matt" and not "That security twat who think's he's the fucking facilities manager"


----------



## Oglooger (Jul 27, 2015)

My girlfriend is starting to obsess over SU and will sperg to me about gems, gemsonas, fusions or whatever.
I tried watching the show, but it just can't appeal to me. but I came up with a way to cope with it while trying to piss my gf at the same time.

So evreytime she would start sperging about something something OCs and Gemsonas, I would pretend that I was part of a Templar group who's goal is to kill off all the gems or harvest them to make weapons to kill more gems(like using soul gems in TES)
The reason behind this is because Gems are a parasite to this world and creating gems would sap away energy from Yggdrasil, thus weakening it's roots and giving Nidhoggr and easier job of gnawing away the roots and cause an early Ragnarok.

Thus, was formed the Cult of The Sons of Wodan, who dedicate themselves in comminting genocide against the gems and giving the gods and men more time to prepare for Ragnarok.
Their main mission apart from killing all gems is to either kill Steven or make him completely human since he's an abomination of nature and his father is to be punished for creating such heretic spawn.
now imagine abunch of templars, mages and body building barbarians with gem encanhted Ak47s, Halbreds, Maces and other weapons in their crusade to save Midgard


----------



## kyz (Jul 28, 2015)

Sometimes on Halloween I go out with a backpack and dump all of the candies from the buckets.


----------



## The Fair Lady (Jul 28, 2015)

Another one that just occurred to me.

I went over a friend's house on Saturday. Being a literal sperg, she often gets absorbed in things only she wants to do, and that results in her not being a very good host. I don't want to sound like an asshole by asserting myself, so I always keep quiet and try to act like I'm not bored when I actually am. But sometimes, like on Saturday, I let my irritation get the better of me and give her the same treatment by spending most of the time on my phone. And I can tell this makes her feel bad, because she'll ask if there's anything she can get me, but I just tell her I'm fine.


----------



## Philosophy Zombie (Jul 28, 2015)

Dynastia said:


> Once I followed a cripple with brittle bone syndrome around for ten minutes loudly mocking him and calling him a worthless shriveled flesh-pretzel and a horrible creepy gnome unloved by humanity and pretending like I wasn't sure if he was a real person or a leathery scrap of God's offcuts, in the middle of a crowded city street in broad daylight. He couldn't outrun me because his motorised wheelchair was too slow. People were clearly horrified but nobody tried to stop me.


Was it this guy?


----------



## HG 400 (Jul 28, 2015)

Philosophy Zombie said:


> Was it this guy?



No it was different cripple I had a pre-existing beef with.


----------



## Sigyn (Jul 28, 2015)

When I was little mom made me hang out with her best friends son who had cerebral palsy and he was WAY too touchy feely. And like, I always tried to be nice but one day I fucking had it that no one was telling him to stop like, molesting me so I convinced him to break all his toys and throw them over the cliff  next to his house. And he did it. I convinced a sped to smash their like, collectible vintage toy cars with a big ass fucking hammer and throw them over a cliff. I've felt awful ever since but I didnt have to see him much after that.


----------



## AN/ALR56 (Jul 28, 2015)

I make diabetes jokes about a fat girl that claimed to be raped by 2 of our teachers,that later got arrested and had house and phone searchs by the feds,she actually has diabetes and one day i saw her crying with the principal probably because during a test(we are randomly assigned rooms to avoid cheating)i got her class room and i wrote dozens of diabetes and teacher-senpai is now taking it in the ass in prison <3 and she probably saw this.
her claims of rape is now very suspicious,since it looked like her family forced her to say this,and because charges were silently dropped,later she would make pornographic photoshops of some of the other teachers and even racists one of a black math teacher,she would later try to make other students put this on whatsapp so that she could take screenshots and show to the principal to try to get that student suspended.
I also i am a jerk with a french born socialy retarded dude who is horrendously inept at social interaction and is a jerk with women,he also doesnt bathe and acts in a extremely autistic way,comparing him to me(same hair color,we are both fat,we both use glasses ) is the best way to piss me off.

I also made a lot of nazis,jew,nigga jokes and my nickname is ''that nazi,or nazi''.
i am trying to stop it and replace with another nickname> ''autist''(hey its better than nazi).


----------



## HG 400 (Jul 28, 2015)

Once I drugged a retarded girl just to see what would happen and when she acted slow and boring instead of wacky and entertaining I goaded a live ferret into attacking her and it bit her and she bled quite a bit and wouldn't stop panicking.


----------



## EI 903 (Jul 28, 2015)

I work here.


----------



## Pikonic (Jul 28, 2015)

Another tale from the former lifeguard.

One summer there was this group of obnoxious teenagers that would come to the pool from the nearby skatepark. They would do stupid shit like skate on the outside of the pool's fence yelling and generally being douches to kids that walked by (because we couldn't stop them outside the gates) and make this one little girl cry by teasing her. Everyday they came in and left their skateboards by a tree near the gate. One time when they weren't looking me and another guard moved one of the skateboards a little bit downhill, just outta sight. When the shits were done they went to get their boards to leave. The one with the missing board comes up to me asking if I saw anyone take it. I told him I didn't see anything. He then asked me to help him look for it and I said "Sorry, I can't do anything outside the pool gate."

The worst part was the kid found his skateboard.



Mourning Dove said:


> Even though I have a Bachelor's degree in Environmental Studies, I sometimes don't give a fuck when it comes to recycling. People around me are constantly throwing recyclable items away, so what difference will little ol' me make? Many times I think, our planet is going to hell despite everything good I try to do anyway, so what's the point?
> 
> Maybe I just need to move out of this backwards as fuck state (Kansas).


Where I grew up if the garbage man finds a recyclable in your trash you get fined. If it happens enough times you lose public trash removal.


----------



## D.Angus (Jul 29, 2015)

Working at BK, I was an absolute asshole, but I was great at my job. I got my shit done, and in a timely matter, but I was always a dick about it. I'd always pawn shit on new people, like customers I didn't like and work I didn't want to do. If the kitchen was too slow, I'd kick them out and tell them to go diddle themselves, or be my bread dropping bitch. Sometimes when the customer asked for something really dumb and mundane that I could't do anything about, like turning up the heat, turning down the radio, or give their opinion to the management. I'd walk outside, have a cigarette, and shoot the shit with the manager on duty. Right before dinner rush, I'd always have a smoke and bathroom break, making sure that when I came back, the rush was started so all I had to do was help keep it up. Best of all.. I was always 5 minutes late, and they didn't care because I was the only competent employee there, and I made sure the store didn't fall into absolute chaos.


----------



## AnimuGinger (Jul 29, 2015)

I shut the lights off in the bathrooms on people who are pooping. And ignore their cries to turn them back on.


----------



## Super Collie (Jul 29, 2015)

I come off as patient and cool, even when someone is insulting or offending me (or my partner). People think I'm a pushover because I don't fight back or defend myself.

What they don't know is that I'm not the type of person to throw a punch right back. I remember who fucks with me, and I subvert or sabotage their livelihoods. I get mine, and they never know it was me.

(Though it's shady, I've never done anything illegal like causing bodily harm or property damage.)


----------



## AnOminous (Jul 29, 2015)

Super Collie said:


> What they don't know is that I'm not the type of person to throw a punch right back. I remember who fucks with me, and I subvert or sabotage their livelihoods. I get mine, and they never know it was me.



I do this, too, but what I like even more is when I don't.  I have had numerous opportunities for basically untraceable revenge, and when I analyzed them, they didn't do any good, and I chose not to take the opportunity.

You would be surprised how often _not_ getting revenge is very satisfying.  Just knowing you could have wiped out someone's life, and chose not to do so, is pleasant.

It is rarely good to do harm to someone when you do not profit by doing it.


----------



## Johnny Bravo (Jul 30, 2015)

I'm a pretty nice dude. The worst I've done is steal food from roommates when they're not around (just little things) and pretend not to be online when I actually am.

Although, when I was in third grade there was this kid that set next to me. We kept all of our work in a folder. His folder was nice and clean but I'd doodled all over mine. One day he made fun of me for it, so I waited until he got excused to use the restrooms to take out his folder and scribble all over it (I might have wrote a bad word, too). He got in trouble for it.


----------



## Lunete (Jul 30, 2015)

I used to post on this website years ago where people would make and post avatars and profile graphics (for Facebook feeds and shit). It was a decent site and I made a couple of online "friends" there.  One of which became a target for rude comments from some online wannabe mean girl. Went to the little shits profile to tell her to shut up and I noticed she had a status that said "My parents have died." So I commented "I would have died too if you were my kid."


----------



## ☻ (Jul 30, 2015)

Mourning Dove said:


> Even though I have a Bachelor's degree in Environmental Studies, I sometimes don't give a fuck when it comes to recycling. People around me are constantly throwing recyclable items away, so what difference will little ol' me make? Many times I think, our planet is going to hell despite everything good I try to do anyway, so what's the point?
> 
> Maybe I just need to move out of this backwards as fuck state (Kansas).


You didn't even count the majority of all waste by a land slide (get it?). Industrial waste. No individual recycling causes half the difference.


----------



## Surtur (Jul 30, 2015)

Super Collie said:


> I come off as patient and cool, even when someone is insulting or offending me (or my partner). People think I'm a pushover because I don't fight back or defend myself.
> 
> What they don't know is that I'm not the type of person to throw a punch right back. I remember who fucks with me, and I subvert or sabotage their livelihoods. I get mine, and they never know it was me.
> 
> (Though it's shady, I've never done anything illegal like causing bodily harm or property damage.)



Nah, sometimes its perfectly ok to threaten to slam your coworker into a rack of frozen chicken after you told him repeatedly to stop throwing balls of ice at you.


----------



## Super Collie (Jul 30, 2015)

Surtur said:


> Nah, sometimes its perfectly ok to threaten to slam your coworker into a rack of frozen chicken after you told him repeatedly to stop throwing balls of ice at you.



I'm the type of person who would wait until it was their night to close up then dick with the freezer so it stops working, and let's say because this person has been reprimanded before for being inebriated at work, I'd bring some empty beer cans with me and throw them in the trash bin to frame him as the one who fucked up the freezer.


----------



## Innocuous (Aug 2, 2015)

If service is bad at a restaurant, I enjoy hiding food for the staff to find later. Ideally when it begins to rot.


----------



## Philosophy Zombie (Aug 2, 2015)

Pretty much the only reason the default skin for this website has a serif font is because I asked Null to change it on a lark. For some reason, he decided to do so basically immediately even though I was a forum nobody with 50 posts and it pissed almost everyone off. I don't know if that's necessarily considered an asshole thing to do, but it made like a hundred autists bawl that day.


----------



## Kusottare (Aug 3, 2015)

When I fall out with someone, I like to brick their favourite device.


----------



## Dark Mirror Hole (Aug 8, 2015)

Sometimes I forget to say 'Thank you' and people act like I'm literally the devil.


----------



## tomgirl4life (Aug 14, 2015)

I had a roommate who liked to commandeer my TV.  To be fair, it was in the common area of our apartment, but that was only because it wouldn't fit in my roomhe didn't pay rent and got obssessive about watching his shows.  When I planned a nice evening with my then girlfriend that involved a certain movie airing on HBO and came home to find him insisting on watching a documentary about the dresses current European princesses wore at their weddings instead (my girlfriend kept me from making a scene) it was the last straw.  

I started to mess with him by password locking all channels except TV Guide, Fox News, and the religious channel.  He was a gay atheist, and this was in 2004 during the first national gay marriage discussion so those did him no good.    I would keep one other channel unlocked per day, and I would change it every day.  He had no idea what was going on and couldn't figure out what was happening.  I just told him it must be something wrong with the cable.

Then I unlocked all the channels and kept the remote in my room, pretending like it was lost.  He would sit right in front of the TV then in order to push the buttons, because he hated commercials and would switch to another channel in between station breaks.  

Then I found the menu option to disable the front buttons on the TV, so you could only use the remote to change it.  You couldn't even turn the thing on without the remote, or unless you unplugged the unit for 15 seconds so the settings would reset.  This all took place over about 3 weeks.  He finally caught on one day when he came in and saw me watching South Park with the remote in my hand.  The next night I was playing host to my little brother and he came into the apartment of a TV of his own for his room.


----------



## Bugaboo (Aug 16, 2015)

I laugh at children's artwork because I am terrible


----------



## glutenfreebooty (Aug 16, 2015)

When I worked at an electronics repair shop, I'd go through people's photos and laugh at the funny/weird ones.


----------



## Dr. Meme (Aug 16, 2015)

when people tell me to have a good day i don't just to spite them


----------



## ☻ (Aug 16, 2015)

Bugaboo said:


> I laugh at children's artwork because I am terrible


I am better than your kids is a good coffee table book that does this


----------



## Bugaboo (Aug 16, 2015)

☻ said:


> I am better than your kids is a good coffee table book that does this


I read that and I loved it thoroughly


----------



## GV 002 (Aug 16, 2015)

STORY TIME!

When I was in my teen-early twenties, I was a complete arsehole.  I like to think I'm less of a dickhead now.

For my fist year of uni I had a Japanese lady for a roomate.  She was a snobby cunt and used to laugh at me with her friends, thinking I couldn't understand them (I did a GCSE equivalent in Japanese, so could understand much more than she thought I could), and considered me a filthy gaijin of the highest degree...so after a month or so of this, I did things.  

I pissed in her teapot once a week.  I made a spitoon out of a lucozade bottle and gobbed in it every time I got sick (I got tonsillitis a lot back then), leaving it open in our shared room while she was trying to eat.  I took a shit on the worktop in front of her food cupboard.  I had noisy sex with my boyfriend of the time when she was trying to sleep.  I put eggs under her bedsheets so they'd break when she sat on the bed.  I was a complete arsehead.

Eventually she lost her temper and confronted me, asking me why I was going this.  I answered her in her own language, 'Because you called me a filthy, stupid gaijin.'  Her jaw dropped as she realised that I could understand what she'd been saying...after that we called a truce and things were pointedly civil, yet tolerable, until I left at the end of the year.

I did loads of dickish shit at uni that I'm sure as hell not proud of, but I still get a little sick kick out of remembering Aki's mortified face.


----------



## KatsuKitty (Aug 16, 2015)

When push comes to shove, I'm not much of an asshole really. There's little I do to people that don't deserve it.

I'd say the one big asshole thing I do is pick on sensitive or emotional people since their abject embrace of weakness pissess me off so much. Like, don't be surprised if you consider yourself a sensitive person and I just start dropping phrase after phrase carefully constructed to make you turn into a hilarious spastic. If there's one thing I really do believe it's a virtue, it's thick skin.


----------



## AnOminous (Aug 16, 2015)

Chanbob said:


> Eventually she lost her temper and confronted me, asking me why I was going this.  I answered her in her own language, 'Because you called me a filthy, stupid gaijin.'



And this is why you don't treat a human language like it's some kind of secret code, unless maybe you're a Navajo code-talker.


----------



## Oglooger (Sep 11, 2015)

A customer orderd me to give them 20 pieces of chicken drums.
I gave them 19 pieces.


----------



## Watcher (Sep 11, 2015)

https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/7/7421.jpg?1442029031 2 minutes ago bearycool:
"asshole things you do"
https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/7/7421.jpg?1442029031 2 minutes ago bearycool:
I'm tempted to go in that thread and talk about literal things I do with my asshole


----------



## bearycool (Sep 11, 2015)

Watcher said:


> https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/7/7421.jpg?1442029031 2 minutes ago bearycool:
> "asshole things you do"
> https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/7/7421.jpg?1442029031 2 minutes ago bearycool:
> I'm tempted to go in that thread and talk about literal things I do with my asshole



Well gwarsh, that wasn't very consensual thing for you to do!


----------



## Watcher (Sep 11, 2015)

bearycool said:


> Well gwarsh, that wasn't very consensual thing for you to do!


You said that last night too


----------



## bearycool (Sep 11, 2015)

Watcher said:


> You said that last night too



And what you did last night was an asshole thing to do to my asshole, honey.


----------



## Qualm (Sep 11, 2015)

It's getting steamy tonight.


----------



## AnimuGinger (Sep 11, 2015)




----------



## Jaimas (Sep 12, 2015)

When I invade in Bloodborne, I throw blood cocktails at the host to attract larger predators.


----------



## bearycool (Sep 12, 2015)

When I play an MMORPG of any kind, I tank and zerg the entire room, thereby killing everyone in the group.

In real life, I make fun of closeted gay people for being pussies.


----------



## sugoi-chan (Sep 12, 2015)

bearycool said:


> When I play an MMORPG of any kind, I tank and zerg the entire room, thereby killing everyone in the group.
> 
> In real life, I make fun of closeted gay people for being pussies.



You're the kind of tank I like healing because you make it fun.


----------



## CWCissey (Sep 12, 2015)

If I hear a child playing GTA Online I tend to sing. 

That's about the extent of my unjustified arseholery, though I did leave an open can of tuna in an air vent at uni just before I moved out because my flatmate was keen on having really loud sex.


----------



## LazarusOwenhart (Sep 12, 2015)

The reasons are many and various but not a single person I work with on the security team will stand directly in front of their locker when they open it anymore.


----------



## TheMightyMonarch (Sep 16, 2015)

When I was in 5th grade, our teacher was telling us about her childhood. Her dad died and her mom remarried. Her step siblings were douches and would make fun of her last name with this rhyme that they made up. She recited the rhyme for us and I bursted out laughing because I thought it was funny.

To be fair, that teacher was a total bitch and I hated her before that but yeah, not cool.


----------



## DNJACK (Sep 17, 2015)

I'm just not an asshole.


----------



## Zeorus (Sep 17, 2015)

I'm very pedantic about topics of interest to me, especially when I know that I'm more educated or qualified in a particular subject than the person I'm talking to.  I don't really know how to control this very well and end up being a nitpicky little shit most of the time.


----------



## SP 199 (Sep 17, 2015)

CWCissey said:


> though I did leave an open can of tuna in an air vent at uni just before I moved out because my flatmate was keen on having really loud sex.



I done something similar at work I used to hate this one guy and we where having a heatwave so I went over to the fishmongers down the road, got a fish that was being thrown out and managed to hide it behind a panel in his car. He never found it


----------



## MasterDisaster (Sep 17, 2015)

I pick all the toppings off the last slice of pizza.


----------



## sugoi-chan (Sep 17, 2015)

Asshole thing I did, but wasn't aware of at the time:

In senior year of college, my year combined with a lucky lottery number got me a single dorm, so I decided to take it. I developed a habit of watching Netflix as I fell asleep since my computer was right next to my bed. Near the end of the year, I got a letter from the housing department saying that _multiple _people on the floor had noise complaints about my Netflix watching (since I'd rarely go to bed before 2am). I had gotten a complaint in the first month where the RA came to my door and so I kept the volume lower than that and thought I was okay, since I never received another complaint. Apparently not. Apparently, according to the letter, I had been that asshole on the floor who plays music/TV super loud late at night and nobody told me.


----------



## Inquisitor_BadAss (Sep 17, 2015)

MasterDisaster said:


> I pick all the toppings off the last slice of pizza.



You're a monster.


----------



## trip2themoon (Sep 18, 2015)

When I was about 10 me and a mate were skimming stones by the river. An old guy who was fishing further upstream appeared and started shouting at us for scaring away the fish. That didn't bother us much until he shouted "bet yous are Catholics an all, fucking Fenian bastards". He has a son my age, a couple of weeks later I beat up the son in retaliation for his bigot scumbag dad's nasty behaviour.


----------



## Morbid Boredom (Sep 18, 2015)

I just don't give a damn.


----------



## RetardBus (Sep 18, 2015)

When I was a little kid I always laughed hysterically when I turned on the TV and extremely loud static scared the shit out of everyone in the room. I eventually started switching to static on purpose and cranking up the volume because I thought this was fucking hilarious.


----------



## GS 281 (Sep 18, 2015)

When makes me pick up food and she KNOWS I had been working all day, I will get her the spiciest option on the menu.


----------



## Tailypo (Dec 5, 2015)

I've done a few asshole things, but I think my worst moment was when I hit a disabled girl's face with my umbrella. 

Some context: This bitch goes to my campus and is rude, loud, and constantly makes creepy sexual comments towards female students, and if you call her out on her bullshit, she will use her disability as an excuse for her behavior. 

I used to own a telescopic umbrella that would extend if you pressed the button at the bottom, but somehow the thing broke and it would randomly extend by itself. This girl was trying to talk to me (despite the fact that I made it perfectly clear I hated her presence and didn't want her anywhere near me), and I jokingly point my umbrella at her when it goes off and slams right between her eyes. 

I swear it was a complete accident, but she's left me alone ever since, so I don't feel too guilty about it.


----------



## cypocraphy (Dec 6, 2015)

I never put change in tip jars because I always want as much as possible for my Coinstar cup.


----------



## DangerousGas (Dec 6, 2015)

Pushy lorry (truck, for you Americans) drivers really irk me. Over here, they're limited to 56 mph, and since they've got something ridiculous like a 20-speed gearbox, it takes a certain amount of effort for the driver to maintain any kind of speed below the maximum. As such, if a lorry driver decides he's going to do that "I'm in a lorry, get out of my fucking way" thing, I will block him, and I will do so at a varying speed, between 50 and 53 mph. Just as he moves to overtake, I will increase my speed to ~57mph. I have maintained this for over an hour before now, and I could _hear _the guy's blood pressure by the time I finally turned off the motorway in question.


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Dec 6, 2015)

Sometimes when I've been cleaning animal bones in a peroxide bath, I discretly pour the corpsy water into my asshole neighbor's yard.


----------



## Loxiozzz (Dec 7, 2015)

I remeber when we were forced to play football in middle school and this one girl kept getting on my nerves. She had been bugging me all year long and I had had just about enough of her shit. I had pretty good aim, so I tried hit her. Unfortunately, it curved and hit my friend who was standing next to her square in the face. Now we both hate that kid.

Also that same year, my english teacher decided to come to school angry at the world. She was yelling at students (and one staff member) left and right until one of them started crying. She was sad because it was getting close to Thanksgiving and her uncle had passed. The teacher took her out of the room to try and calm her down and then tried to explain why she was in such a pissy mood. Her a dog died.  I didn't mean to laugh, honest. Its just, she always graded unfairly and was such a bitch. It was karma. She was like a villain from a Ronald Dahl book. Plus, that poor creature never looked happy in any of the pictures she showed us. Its like he was begging someone to take care of him instead. In my defense, I wasn't the only one who laughed.
Stil kinda feel bad tho...


----------



## glass_houses (Dec 7, 2015)

I terrorise shopping assistants. 

I wear the standard heavy industry uniform of steel caps, blue trousers and a men's orange safety shirt. Not having to worry about makeup and hair every morning is a huge bonus for me, but I do like to look female on weekends. So on those rare occasions where I have a shit awful day at work but still manage to get out on time, I go window shopping. I'll go into clothes shops, look at clothes, take them off the rack, rub the cloth in between my fingers... I never actually try anything on because the last thing I want to do is have to put my dirty uniform back on after I take it off, and besides that, I reek of hydrocarbons and it's not polite to pass it around to strangers. But I make shopping assistants _think_ I'm going to do it. 

The trick works best during school holidays, when the businesses attract kids in their mid to late teens desperate for their first job. These assistants usually get a couple hours being lead around the shop by the owner, then they're left with a minder who may or may not actually give a fuck about minding. If it's at all possible, I try to arrange to come in just after the lunch rush, where the head sales person has ducked out for their break. Basically, I walk into a clothes shop, dirty, reeking, uniform and boots on. The assistants slowly get more and more terrified as they try desperately to figure out whether they should come and try to sell me something, or ask me to leave. On the one hand the boss has drilled it into them that they should always try to get a sale; on the other hand, he's also drilled it into them that they need to make sure that the stock stays in good nick. I always make a point of touching the clothes and rubbing the material between my fingers- my hands are permanently stained, so even if my hands are clean they still look dirty- taking the clothes off the rack and holding it in front of mirrors as if deciding to try it on or not.

Needless to say, this trick only works on kids or people who've never worked in retail before. Anyone else with a bit of experience up sees me and knows by my body language that I'm not in the mood try anything on or buy. On rare occasions though, I get a "Hurr, hurr, hurr, look at the uniform, she must be a lesbian," and that's when I start grabbing entire racks of garments and trying on _every single fucking one of them_. And I'll suddenly develop a terrible virus, and hack and cough and wheeze loudly all over _everything._

And then after I get bored, I hand everything back to the assistant and say, "Thanks, I was just browsing," and leave. 

Their faces. Classic.


----------



## Micheal Scarn (Dec 7, 2015)

When I was in school, this annoying kid sat next to me in math class who would always try to distract me/other kids, so one day when he was trying to talk to me, I just said out loud, "No, I won't give you the answers". He got moved to right in front of the teacher's desk from then on, and I admittedly feel a little bad to this day about that.


----------



## glass_houses (Dec 9, 2015)

When I'm at work, I terrorise my supervisors. I'm on the second one in my current job. The first one I had, I discovered by accident that surrealism, absurdity and non liner story telling freaks her out. She also _loathes_ repetition in story telling. She's a very, very smart woman, but she likes her fiction to have rigid structures...

...and that's how I ended up with having every single Welcome to Night Vale episode on permanent repeat for six months straight. She'd come into the lab, she'd hear Cecil Baldwin's voice, and she'd do this incredibly subtle cringe. If she were working with me I'd usually turn it off. If she'd pissed me off more than usual, Cecil would end up talking _all day_. She'd basically come in, check for any obvious damage, and slink off. It was beautiful.

A ways back she ended up being promoted and moved to a different company branch (was it something I said?) and my co-worker became my current boss. My old one drove me insane, but he's driving me to murder. It's got me puzzled how he's survived. In the meantime I discovered that he hates horror stories. That's when I went on a Youtube creepypasta bender and ripped as much freaky shit as I could find. He hates horror stories in general, but SCPs provoke some really strong reactions. I played 'The Flesh that Hates' on repeat for three days straight. Every clink, clank, rattle and thump made him jump and twitch, and one night when we were working back very, very late, I kept having to use the broom to knock him down from the ceiling, so I decided to retire that particular piece. Partially because I felt sorry for him, but mainly because I didn't want him to get used to it. This is the sort of thing you have to be strategic with, if he becomes immune through repeat exposures the game will be effectively ended. He's on holiday right now, so I've been listening to a lot of creepypasta to try and find the perfect one to smash him with when he comes back. So many, many choices...


----------



## glass_houses (Dec 9, 2015)

Double post: wherever I go I usually get put on spider catching duty. Huntsman spiders and wolf spiders move very fast and are hairy, and bigger specimens invariably upset whoever I'm supposed to be rescuing. I like spiders in general, and in these situations, if I don't catch and relocate them they're dead. Not much by way of choice on my part. But if I'm pissed off or I don't like whomever I'm rescuing, I'll insist on showing the spider off, tapping the side of the container to make it move, shoving it under the their nose and watch them flinch. I only do this for ten seconds or so before I put the spider outside, being locked in a plastic container and rattled around isn't good for it. But those brief moments of watching the person I just rescued squirm feel good.


----------



## Unironic Subversiveness (Dec 10, 2015)

I'm that person in the group who says they're fine with anything when making plans, but when something is actually suggested I go "Well...I _guess_..." or turn it down flat.

I also bite my nails, chew pencils/pens, eat paper, gnaw on my fingers, chew my hair if it's long enough and chew gum loudly. Basically, don't get anything near my face unless if you don't mind it going in my mouth.


----------



## The Lizard Queen (Dec 20, 2015)

Whenever I walk my dog, I take her out only very late at night. That way there's not a lot of people out to yell at me if she makes a mess in their yard, and I let her walk without me holding the leash, so she can pee on whatever suits her fancy.


----------



## MalWart (Dec 20, 2015)

If I'm on an elevator and it stops in the middle of my route, I'll press the "Close" button without hesitation, especially when the people who called it are either oblivious retards who don't even notice that it arrived, or families with hyper-ass kids. It's especially fun to do on a cruise ship, where half of the people are rude/lazy porkers who could use a good walk. In other words, karma is being a bitch to them.

God, I'm a terrible man.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Dec 21, 2015)

Drink milk from the jug. Best part of waking up


----------



## Motherboard (Dec 24, 2015)

If someone directly disrespects me or others I care for, I make sure to reply with deeply personal jabs that tend to cause far more pain if accurate. 

For example, this jackass said that no one cared for my opinions or interests among my friend circle. This was around thanksgiving, so of course I reply with jabs about stress over the holiday and familial issues, and being too idiotic to realize that taking it out on some random person trying to have a good time will only make things worse. 

I do this only when necessary.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Jan 3, 2016)

I make puns so bad i'm kicked out of Skype Calls.


----------



## D.Angus (Jan 3, 2016)

GolgoXIII said:


> I make puns so bad i'm kicked out of Skype Calls.


This doesn't surprise me in the slightest.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Jan 3, 2016)

D.Angus said:


> This doesn't surprise me in the slightest.



Love you too Goldie.


----------



## creamyfanta (Jan 3, 2016)

I discretely make fart noises at fat people I see walking around.

My boyfriend and I will point them out if they are around us and make fart noises to the beat of their footsteps.

I also tell Mormon missionaries I'm a Satanist or I tell them to go home and masturbate.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Jan 3, 2016)

creamyfanta said:


> My boyfriend and I will point them out if they are around us and make fart noises to the beat of their footsteps.



Please tell me a tuba is involved!


----------



## creamyfanta (Jan 3, 2016)

GolgoXIII said:


> Please tell me a tuba is involved!


Sadly no haha


----------



## fire_fly (Jan 10, 2016)

Sometimes, when I'm closing one of the stores I work in, I'll "forget" to turn the lights off when I go to the back to finish my paperwork so I can watch the security cameras and laugh as people try to get in.

I also made a habit of bringing my iPod to work so I can listen to it while shutting my register down. This serves two purposes: One, I focus better with music playing and get done a lot faster, and two, I can ignore customers trying to get in after hours. It doesn't always work, but having to listen to 15 straight minutes of the phone ringing was worth glancing up and seeing that bitch's face when she realized I wasn't going to acknowledge her.


----------



## ActualKiwi (Jan 10, 2016)

...I post dead baby jokes on anti-abortion sites.


----------



## GolgoXIII (Jan 10, 2016)

As a kid i'd troll the feral cats by shaking my cats temptations bag outside my houdr and watch them coming running from all over then close the door.


----------



## Too Many Crooks (Jan 10, 2016)

I'm very judgmental and I've got a rather surly temper *shrugs*


----------



## GolgoXIII (Jan 10, 2016)

Too Many Crooks said:


> I'm very judgmental and I've got a rather surly temper *shrugs*


This literally came to mind.


----------



## Motherboard (Jan 10, 2016)

I tripped the autistic kid in 7th grade gym class because he wouldn't stop scream laughing at nothing. 

I got away with it because I acted concerned when he fell and started crying.


----------



## MerriedxReldnahc (Mar 4, 2016)

Finally found my conversation log I was talking about in this post, https://kiwifarms.net/threads/asshole-things-you-do.11014/page-2#post-862996  it was on my old laptop which I haven't used in forever:


----------



## autisticdragonkin (Mar 4, 2016)

Whenever I see someone doing something bad I will point it out even when I do the same thing myself out of sadism


----------



## & Knuckles (Mar 4, 2016)

I recommend things I enjoy to people, but don't take anyone's recommendations myself.


----------

