Prison Letters Chris writes me from Prison (dated September 19th, 2021)

[Destyor45]

How can this situation possibly keep getting funnier? I can’t even laugh anymore. This has broken my funny bone, like Cartman seeing the ass faces. I don’t know how anything will ever be this funny ever again. Holy shit.

The only way i can see this getting better is an escape attempt

 

[GermanPotato]

Chris becoming a cult leader would be hilarious and absolutely amazing for us.

I can already see the big chucks full of cool aid protein Fanta and a good dose of cyanide as a side dish standing on a good old wooden table in a farm house in the middle of nowhere.

 

[King Kiwi]

Those found to be Sexually Violent Predators get sent somewhere like this. They can also be civilly committed after their sentence is over. If Chris ends up a Tier III offender, he is pretty much fucked for life.

What he's guilty of depends on the actual facts, and we still only have the foggiest clue what those are. Chris claims fucking Barb made her senility better which seems to be admitting he knew she was incapacitated. Now he's not a doctor and isn't really qualified to give a diagnosis, but if she actually is incapacitated and he knew it, that's rape and he knew it.

Barb might not be senile enough to be completely incapable of consent under all circumstances, but if he specifically took advantage of it, like waiting until night time to rape her, it would be hard to argue he didn't know she wouldn't have consented in a normal state of mind.

That would be an aggravating factor justifying a departure from the normal sentencing guidelines, which are already pretty unfavorable to rapists anyway. The minimum on that is five, and that's what you'd get if you were a young first offender who committed a date rape, show remorse, and some chance of rehabilitation.
A raving loon jabbering about how he's Jesus and his rape was totally awesome and cool is not going to come in at the low end, and his only way out of that is probably a plea deal.

Heilberg is an absolute miracle worker if he keeps him off the sex offender registry.

And yet somehow Chris will probably weasel his way out of the most serious conviction.

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

The surprise is not that he got worse. Prison won't do him any good.

Damn, from an emotional standpoint, I would have been pissed that you said this, but objectively it's clear. The only thing that can improve his state of mind includes antipsychotics and a nut farm. He'll still have to pay his debt to society and Barb. K bet that's what really gets his craw, having to forcibly pay any sort of debt.

 

[turdburger]

Chris is continuing to make things worse for himself here. A criminal court isn't going to sentence him to a group home or institution. That isn't its job. The job of the court is just to determine guilt or innocence; and if the decision is guilty, then choose a sentence. The government doesn't pay to warehouse autistic people who can't take proper care of themselves. That is the job of the family and community. The best the government can do is a tugboat, help with finding an affordable apartment, and food stamps. It won't pay for people to supervise, psychiatric care, training or counseling. Who usually provides services like that to retarded people? The answer is churches. Churches have the money to spend on helping unfortunate people. It's in their charter. A lot of people can say they want to help Chris, but what Chris needs costs a great deal of money. No one is going to spend twenty to fifty grand a year on top of the tugboat to give him a good stable environment to live in... except a church. Rocky may have been a bitch, but she might have had the ability to move some money Chris's way by taking up a collection and setting up a fund to look after Chris. The goddess thing was enough to insure she'd never come back, but the Jesus thing is truly putting the nails in the messiah when it comes to a happy ending for Chris.

Chris is going to jail- he's already in jail and he won't be out until late next year at the earliest. He won't be able to pull off an insanity plea. Every time Chris opens his mouth or writes a letter, the lawyer's power to negotiate is reduced. At this point, Chris faces rape, incest and elder abuse. If convicted, he will be put on the sex offender's list. I don't see any charge being bargained away except rape. The others would be too easy for the prosecution to just go to court and prove. Chris may have some latitude for sentencing. The lawyer could argue that Chris has diminished capacity and punishment isn't going to motivate him to avoid reoffending the way it would a normal criminal. That will reduce the time spent perhaps. But if Chris is quacking like a duck about being Jesus in the courtroom every five minutes, the judge might lose patience with him. There is absolutely no way Chris will ever be allowed to live with Barb ever again. And the judge will likely use the sex offender conviction to bar him from using the internet.

The way I see it, Chris will serve time, end up on the sex offender's list and be released on parole. The parole officer will make a cursory attempt to get a social worker to help get Chris set back up on his tugboat with section 8 housing and food stamps. He'll live in a little apartment, wander around to the market or park, wander back, go to bed... for the rest of his life. That is the absolute best that can be hoped for him at this point. If Chris continues to make things worse for himself at every opportunity, he won't have the help of the social worker and he will be fending for himself.

As for all the crap and toys at 14 BC, if Barb dies before he is released, all that will go to the four winds. If she is still alive, they might allow him back a limited amount of "personal items". That would be family photos, a few small sentimental items, and his Sonichu books. They won't be allowing him to take his personal horde of toys with him. He won't have anywhere to keep them. And if an internet shark with dollar signs in his eyes thinks he can sell the toy horde as "memorabilia", he would open a can of worms that would leave both him and Chris worse off than when they started. Chris and entrepreneurism don't mix. He goes out of his way to sabotage himself.

All the discussion of insanity pleas and Chris being sentenced to a group home just won't happen. Chris isn't special to the justice system. He will be tried on evidence and sentenced the same as any other person who breaks the law. If after all this, some well meaning person on the internet tries to "help" Chris, it will just make things worse, just like it's always done. Internet "help" feeds Chris's narcissism and drives him deeper into delusion. "I'm famous on the internet! I created Sonichu the electric hedgehog!" he says as they're slapping the cuffs on him. Every time Chris is "helped" it's jumped immediately to another level of trouble. The first time was Bob paying the gal pals. That led to the boyfriend free girl sign. It's been downhill since then. Chris doesn't respond well to that kind of help. He turns other people's kindness to shit. What he needs is a safety net and being forced to live within those means... that and no more internet activity.

You're right. I'm starting to think the only thing that would keep other people safe and have a chance of doing him any good would be to maroon him on a desert island.

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

And yet somehow Chris will probably weasel his way out of the most serious conviction.

Till he rapes again.

 

[Male Idiot]

Long ago, there were transvestites, evil Orange Man, communism and reddit.

All are forgotten now by most, but the name of the holy Sonichu is spoken upon billions of lips.

But in those ancient days, there was an evil afoot, the Kiwifarmers. Who knows if your neighbour isn't a secret Kiwist?

 

[Glowie]

Counter argument: Chris has shown the amazing ability to learn in reverse.

You can't expect anything less form a goddess who controls space and time

 

[Male Idiot]

Damn, from an emotional standpoint, I would have been possed that you said this, but objectively it's clear. The only thing that can improve his state of mind includes antipsychotics and a nut farm. He'll still have to pay his debt to society and Barb. K bet that's what really gets his craw, having to forcibly pay any sort of debt.

Prison is stressful to even normal people. Especially solitary.

Now I fully agree Chris is a menace, but he is far more unstable than normal people.

Autists love schedule, but the slammer isn't a nice place so that is overruled by the misery that they can't autistically focus and consume Sanic media. All their previous routine is also demolished. Mind that usually deosn't include a 3 day mother rape schedule.

Him retreating into his delusions is the only escape available and he is is dumb enough to jump on that train.

 

[Optimus Prime]

Prison is stressful to even normal people. Especially solitary.

Now I fully agree Chris is a menace, but he is far more unstable than normal people.

Autists love schedule, but the slammer isn't a nice place so that is overruled by the misery that they can't autistically focus and consume Sanic media. All their previous routine is also demolished. Mind that usually deosn't include a 3 day mother rape schedule.

Him retreating into his delusions is the only escape available and he is is dumb enough to jump on that train.

Agreed, I always was on the side Chris would love prison and getting a schedule under his feet would give him stability he couldn't provide himself.

This letter, though, shows that even somebody else making the decisions isn't going to fix anything.

All that's been proven is that cut off from everything and been told, point blank, multiple times, that what he did was wrong, and even showing indication he knows it was wrong, he'd rather play pretend that he should be absolved of all blame and that what he did wasn't actually wrong. By using the Bible as the thing to rip off, he seriously can't even invent anything truly original.

 

[DeeCeeBees]

*Chris hands out glasses of Fanta*
This is my blood, drink of it.

 

[Evil Peter Griffin]

So is this letter going to help him or hurt him?

 

[Male Idiot]

It did surprise me that he went to the hilariously overused "But really I am Jesus" route.

I thought it would be more CPU goddesses, MLP and of course, Sonichu taking him to CWCville on trips to fuck with Magi chan and Barbiechu.

I underestimated his need to consume and rely on media, and overestimated his ability to maintain a constant lala land in his head.

It will be interesting to see how much Bible stuff replaces Sonichu stuff as time goes on. He is so unpredictable I can give no predictions on what happens next.

 

[draggs]

With Chris' ego and narcissism, being put in an environment where he doesn't get coddled... kinda not surprising he has nursed his persecution complex and delusions of grandeur even harder as a defense mechanism.

That letter just screams "the jerkops are doing me dirty everyone is doing me dirty but it doesn't matter I'm so awesome but still everyone is failing muh cosmic judgment IM STILL IN CONTROL IM STILL IN CONTROL NOT THEM NOT YOU ME ME ME REEEEEEEEEEE"

 

[ResignedCustodes]

The only way i can see this getting better is an escape attempt

"TONIGHT, ON COPS!"

 

[Bork Laser]

You mean 'CHRISU AKBAR', right? 'akbar' means 'great'.

Listen I'll follow my version of Chrislam and you follow yours.

 

[turdburger]

With Chris' ego and narcissism, being put in an environment where he doesn't get coddled... kinda not surprising he has nursed his persecution complex and delusions of grandeur even harder as a defense mechanism.

It's also his retention and concentration span. He is genuinely extremely stupid and has little in the way of imagination unless he's digesting spoon-fed cartoons and kids' games and shitting out mutated amalgamations of them. After two months in jail he's mostly forgotten about the pony crap simply because he doesn't have access to it. He likely isn't allowed to mix with the other inmates much and the Bible in his cell is the closest thing to entertainment.

 

[Professor Iris]

Did this fat retard just compare the consequences of fucking his mother to the trials and tribulations of The Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

That shouldn't come as a surprise. Chris once compared housework to fighting in a war.

The only way i can see this getting better is an escape attempt

Chris isn't smart enough to stage one worth its weight in salt. See, Chris isn't just retarded, he's also very, very fat, which makes escaping difficult as balls. He also has the misfortune of being infamous, so any escape plan that theoretically succeeds would be instantly foiled by him being recognized, no matter how much clown makeup he puts on. And even barring that, Chris can't keep his mouth shut about anything. All you have to do is get a nice girl with tits to coerce him into spilling the beans.

The end result of any botched escape attempt would be a swift kick to the pickle, solitary for an unknown period of time, and even more jail time for his stupid ass.

*Chris hands out glasses of Fanta*
This is my blood, drink of it.

No.

I can already see the big chucks full of cool aid protein Fanta and a good dose of cyanide as a side dish standing on a good old wooden table in a farm house in the middle of nowhere.

Knowing Chris, he might forget the cyanide in everyone else's fapcup and wind up killing himself alone. Because of course he would.

 

[You Dun Boof’ed]

Jesus Christ also fasted in the desert for 40 days and nights after he was baptized, and was supposedly tempted by the devil with hedonism (hunger/satisfaction), egoism (spectacular throw/might), materialism (kingdoms/wealth). Refusing each one.

But Chris couldn’t stay in his van for one fucking day because he needed comfort NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

Prison is stressful to even normal people. Especially solitary.

Now I fully agree Chris is a menace, but he is far more unstable than normal people.

Autists love schedule, but the slammer isn't a nice place so that is overruled by the misery that they can't autistically focus and consume Sanic media. All their previous routine is also demolished. Mind that usually deosn't include a 3 day mother rape schedule.

Him retreating into his delusions is the only escape available and he is is dumb enough to jump on that train.

The loony bin and group homes are going to be 10x worse. His entire way of relating to people includes acting like a the fucking retard he is to gain sympathy and attention. It's going to be terrible and ego shattering to be a small fish in a big pond constantly yelling: "Ask Null, I'm famous on The Internet" Knowing that you're beneath people with more acute needs is going to make him even crazier.

Chris isn't smart enough to stage one worth its weight in salt. See, Chris isn't just retarded, he's also very, very fat, which makes escaping difficult as balls. He also has the misfortune of being infamous, so any escape plan that theoretically succeeds would be instantly foiled by him being recognized, no matter how much clown makeup he puts on. And even barring that, Chris can't keep his mouth shut about anything. All you have to do is get a nice girl with tits to coerce him into spilling the beans.

The end result of any botched escape attempt would be a swift kick to the pickle, solitary for an unknown period of time,

I can see Chris literally in a clown suit up and make up, successfully escaping and getting caught after he tries to introduce himself at a mall food court to a group of ternage girls as "Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu, famous author, model, and sexually experienced lover who practiced with his own mother".