Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks


For anyone that hasn't seen it, enjoy Lucas from last summer reporting the "attack" that happened only in his head to some police in Spokane.

Bonus points if you can guess what the cop starts saying at the end when the video cuts off...after Lucas walks off and cop #2 turns to the one who took the "report" like wtf:

"He's clai-"
He’s claiming he was assaulted. Press X to doubt

Imagine the notes on file that he’s got on his database for Lucas Werner.
 

For anyone that hasn't seen it, enjoy Lucas from last summer reporting the "attack" that happened only in his head to some police in Spokane.

Bonus points if you can guess what the cop starts saying at the end when the video cuts off...after Lucas walks off and cop #2 turns to the one who took the "report" like wtf:

"He's clai-"

My favorite parts of that are:

1. The cop using the same tone you'd use with a 3 year old telling you a story.
2. The fact that "fat albert looking black guy" turned somehow into "I dunno, islander"
3. When he goes to show the cop the grievous injury on his head where the steel bat hit him and there's just like NOTHING there but he keeps trying and the cop keeps patronizing him by looking but in the end is all, "Well, I don't really see anything..."
 
What blows my mind, as of 2019 Spokane had a population of 217,353, city that large, and the cops know of him by name.
That's a fairly small city, honestly.
Can't be that much crime. There's probably like 4 or 5 "frequent flyers" that law enforcement knows by name and Lucas is for sure one of them.
 
He gets more big disgusting pimples on his fat face than any adult I've ever seen. God every single thing about this freak is so gross. I guess it's fitting considering he's mentally at the level of a hormonally imbalanced teenager and that's being extremely generous considering a lot of them can actually approach a girl and hit her with a line more charismatic than "Hi my name is Lucas."
 
That's a fairly small city, honestly.
Can't be that much crime. There's probably like 4 or 5 "frequent flyers" that law enforcement knows by name and Lucas is for sure one of them.
Sorry, my scope of population is different than the majority of people. Grew up on base, and the town my parents retired to, them moving in, put the population into 3 digits.
 
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The meme loses any relevance it MIGHT have had when you remember this is just Lucas jealously whining about not getting girls.
 
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When Lucas is denied his rightfully owned Elk Kingdom, I seriously suspect a retcon/gaslight of his family over all.

Right now they are big shit hot deals, to lure a girl but after he gets zip from the will (Dear Momma and King Roy, from a legal aspect, give him 5 dollars trust me on this, plus it'll be funny as fuck) he will for sure play the abused neglected child or adopted or something.

People exist only to serve his wants and if they aren't giving him something he hates them.
 
it's fitting considering he's mentally at the level of a hormonally imbalanced teenager and that's being extremely generous considering a lot of them can actually approach a girl and hit her with a line more charismatic than "Hi my name is Lucas."

We don't worry about him when the line is "hey I'm Lucas "
We worry when the line is "her honey have a drink"

Comparing Lucas to hormonal teens isn't a fair comparison. He has no reason to be that fucking useless around women. Hell a 18 year old nerd that just discovered that the energy sword in his pants is more fun than the one In halo is better around girls. At least he got a reason for pimples and dressing like a idiot.

Also not sure how common hormonal imbalances are in the general population and it may be a specific thing to my family and general geographic area but I know of some folks who's testosterone and estrogen levels would make a tranny into a vampire. Yet they are completely normal around other humans.

The funniest part is, when they do, he's going to find out he's not inheriting any money or the Elk Kingdom.
Do we actually know if there's fuck all to get? Like many "rich" people don't own a damn thing yet will continue that lifestyle until death.
I'd be extremely happy if the elk kingdom got liquidated and Lucas shows up to collect a elk kingdom key and instead receives a sheriff's nightstick to the massive flab he calls a stomach.
If he inherited the precious neverland ranch: part two elk kingdom Boogaloo
He'd be the worst millionaire pedophile. Just saying.
 
Do we actually know if there's fuck all to get? Like many "rich" people don't own a damn thing yet will continue that lifestyle until death.
I'd be extremely happy if the elk kingdom got liquidated and Lucas shows up to collect a elk kingdom key and instead receives a sheriff's nightstick to the massive flab he calls a stomach.
If he inherited the precious neverland ranch: part two elk kingdom Boogaloo
He'd be the worst millionaire pedophile. Just saying.
In it's own way Lucas getting the ranch would be it's own monkeys paw as he would lose his tard bux and then owe taxes.

Lucas being left in an empty house and land, then evicted off with no more tugboat would be it's own bittersweet saga.

Sadly, King Roy doesn't even have rights for hunting the elk on his land, they are state owned that use his land. It's a shame, I'd gladly trade his lordship, a fine bourbon, for a few stories of his retarded son as we stalked prey then grilled our fresh kills.
 
What blows my mind, as of 2019 Spokane had a population of 217,353, city that large, and the cops know of him by name.
Any area lacking a certain race, the cops are bored with little to do and will remember you. Spokane is also a smaller metro area, there's Coeur d'Alene and that's about it.
 
Christians ruining sex for Lucas again
View attachment 2809086
Like Lucas Werner will his creepy gait and creepier smile would have been invited to any Saturnalia oregies in ancient Rome.

What blows my mind, as of 2019 Spokane had a population of 217,353, city that large, and the cops know of him by name.
Yeah but how many of the 217,000+ residents are the infamous Spokane Pedofreak?
 
All this talk of what lucas would be like if he somehow did inherit the elk kingdom makes me wonder if he'd become some kind of horrifying reverse bruce wayne. Living in stately wern manor and taking on isik as his gen z ward to use him as bait for little girls, using the local greyhound bus as the wern mobile.....or perhaps he'd lead his own group of demented hobos and nursing home residents known as the gen x men, with russel greer signing up as some horrifyingly autistic version of gambit, throwing around explosive legal documents

But in the end he'll just end up an autistic version of pre king john - lucas lackland, crown prince of the elk kingdom in exile after convincing himself he's been usurped by his brothers and probably claiming his parents didn't give him anything because they believed the trolls/media/voices on the wind telling them lucas is a creepy pedo

Then again the odds area lucas will die before his parents considering his shitty health and beetus so we might never get to see his chimpout over it
 
All this talk of what lucas would be like if he somehow did inherit the elk kingdom makes me wonder if he'd become some kind of horrifying reverse bruce wayne. Living in stately wern manor and taking on isik as his gen z ward to use him as bait for little girls, using the local greyhound bus as the wern mobile.....or perhaps he'd lead his own group of demented hobos and nursing home residents known as the gen x men, with russel greer signing up as some horrifyingly autistic version of gambit, throwing around explosive legal documents

But in the end he'll just end up an autistic version of pre king john - lucas lackland, crown prince of the elk kingdom in exile after convincing himself he's been usurped by his brothers and probably claiming his parents didn't give him anything because they believed the trolls/media/voices on the wind telling them lucas is a creepy pedo

Then again the odds area lucas will die before his parents considering his shitty health and beetus so we might never get to see his chimpout over it
The Elk Kingdom,for all Wern knows, is mortgaged to the fucking hilt to finance their retirement and vacations and other niceties that make their son think they are rich.
 
The Elk Kingdom,for all Wern knows, is mortgaged to the fucking hilt to finance their retirement and vacations and other niceties that make their son think they are rich.
It's been brought up before, but it is definitely worth bringing up again. Lucas does not consider his step mom. If King Roy dies and his wife is surviving, almost certainly any real property would go to her. As would most, if not all King Roy's financial assets. If Lucas's step mom wanted to sell the Elk Kingdom and move out of the area, she could. Lucas could do nothing but mooo and reee about it. I am thinking this is the most likely scenario.

If King Roy did die before Lucas, he would post a video immediately talking about what he would get out of it and how plenty good it was. He would definitely be telling the baby zooms to form a queue and line up to date the rich ragman, Lucas Werner. He would be jumping up and down saying "give me the Elk Kingdom and his money, it's mine! Give it to me right now, right now, right now, right now!" The fat faggot has zero idea how estate processes work. No idea whatsoever. Like I said, Roy could leave everything to his wife and then she could tell Lucas and his brothers to get lost after that. There would probably be no legal recourse they could take if she did. As for Myrna, I bet her and her husband are not really wealthy at all. And they know better than to give their bovine son any money. Just leave him a Panda Express gift card. And Lucas would lose his precious tugboat if he received money that was not in an ABLE account.

I am thinking Lucas will get nothing, or $5. The moooing and screeching if this happened would make for excellent content. This would be the thing that would push the cow over the edge. Reeee, reee he would say! But there is a very real possibility that Lucas will die before his parents do. He will be buried in a pauper's grave, and all Myrna will do is post on Facebook what a victim Lucas was and how hard of a life he had, that was not her fault or his fault. If her friends post comments like "Oh, Myrna, I am so sorry, when is the funeral?" She will delete those comments and probably block those people, just like her dead son would have.
 
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It's been brought up before, but it is definitely worth bringing up again. Lucas does not consider his step mom. If King Roy dies and his wife is surviving, almost certainly any real property would go to her. As would most, if not all King Roy's financial assets. If Lucas's step mom wanted to sell the Elk Kingdom and move out of the area, she could. Lucas could do nothing but mooo and reee about it. I am thinking this is the most likely scenario.

If King Roy did die before Lucas, he would post a video immediately talking about what he would get out of it and how plenty good it was. He would definitely be telling the baby zooms to form a queue and line up to date the rich ragman, Lucas Werner. He would be jumping up and down saying "give me the Elk Kingdom and his money, it's mine! Give it to me right now, right now, right now, right now!" The fat faggot has zero idea how estate processes work. No idea whatsoever. Like I said, Roy could leave everything to his wife and then she could tell Lucas and his brothers to get lost after that. There would probably be no legal recourse they could take if she did. As for Myrna, I bet her and her husband are not really wealthy at all. And they know better than to give their bovine son any money. Just leave him a Panda Express gift card. And Lucas would lose his precious tugboat if he received money that was not in an ABLE account.

I am thinking Lucas will get nothing, or $5. The moooing and screeching if this happened would make for excellent content. This would be the thing that would push the cow over the edge. Reeee, reee he would say! But there is a very real possibility that Lucas will die before his parents do. He will be buried in a pauper's grave, and all Myrna will do is post on Facebook what a victim Lucas was and how hard of a life he had, that was not her fault or his fault. If her friends post comments like "Oh, Myrna, I am so sorry, when is the funeral?" She will delete those comments and probably block those people, just like her dead son would have.

Whats the best part of the whole thing? He'd reeee an moo but God damnit 2 hours later he'd be posting that he gave up his money and right to the elk kingdom for the communist good.
 
That's a fairly small city, honestly.
Can't be that much crime. There's probably like 4 or 5 "frequent flyers" that law enforcement knows by name and Lucas is for sure one of them.
Spokane actually does have quite alot of crime for its size and the area of the country its in. Theres lots of drug addicts, hobos and for some reason car theft
 
It's been brought up before, but it is definitely worth bringing up again. Lucas does not consider his step mom. If King Roy dies and his wife is surviving, almost certainly any real property would go to her. As would most, if not all King Roy's financial assets. If Lucas's step mom wanted to sell the Elk Kingdom and move out of the area, she could. Lucas could do nothing but mooo and reee about it. I am thinking this is the most likely scenario.

If King Roy did die before Lucas, he would post a video immediately talking about what he would get out of it and how plenty good it was. He would definitely be telling the baby zooms to form a queue and line up to date the rich ragman, Lucas Werner. He would be jumping up and down saying "give me the Elk Kingdom and his money, it's mine! Give it to me right now, right now, right now, right now!" The fat faggot has zero idea how estate processes work. No idea whatsoever. Like I said, Roy could leave everything to his wife and then she could tell Lucas and his brothers to get lost after that. There would probably be no legal recourse they could take if she did. As for Myrna, I bet her and her husband are not really wealthy at all. And they know better than to give their bovine son any money. Just leave him a Panda Express gift card. And Lucas would lose his precious tugboat if he received money that was not in an ABLE account.

I am thinking Lucas will get nothing, or $5. The moooing and screeching if this happened would make for excellent content. This would be the thing that would push the cow over the edge. Reeee, reee he would say! But there is a very real possibility that Lucas will die before his parents do. He will be buried in a pauper's grave, and all Myrna will do is post on Facebook what a victim Lucas was and how hard of a life he had, that was not her fault or his fault. If her friends post comments like "Oh, Myrna, I am so sorry, when is the funeral?" She will delete those comments and probably block those people, just like her dead son would have.
Even worse, King Roy on his death bed leaves money and other assets to his two other sons, and the step mom honors his wish (herself still retaining ownership of the Elk Kingdom).

Double salt for Prince Wern of Mallon.
 
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