The Retail Horror Thread 2: More Tales to Chill your Bones

[XYZpdq]

Another tale from mom at the bank:

The Old Man
There was an old man (former prospector, I think) in town that had gone senile. His nephew was his caretaker (And the only one he was gentle with; we'll get to that in a moment) and had set up with the bank to make a small amount of his savings available a week, as he apparently thought he was in the gold rush days and would buy everyone in the bar rounds of drinks.

Because he (Rightfully so, I guess) thought the bank was holding out on him, he would come in madder than a wet hen to demand why he had no money available. Now this man was actually quite large, and apparently quite dangerous, especially to woman. He broke a nurse's arm because she put her hand on his shoulder to coerce him to do something, and swung his cane at mom when she was trying to escort him out of the bank because the bank was closing. Because of this, the man was to be sent directly to the manager so he can deal with him.

Now the manager was not really enthused about dealing with this man either, so he would leave the old man waiting outside his office, often for hours. Problem was he was incontinent, and he would pee on the seats while waiting. Since most of the mess was absorbed by the old man's pants and the vinyl seats could just be wiped off, the mess was fairly minimal. When they renovated those seats were replaced with fabric chairs, they were quickly ruined by old man. Mom found this out when, during a deposit box opening, she stumbled and placed her hand on a seat, only to get it soaked with old man pee.

My dad worked at a bank next door to a retirement community. I'm pretty sure they had pee/poo procedures in place ready to mobilize. I know they had "whoops he's dead" plans that got exercised pretty often.

 

[RP 520]

Went to work today, business as usual, everything's fine. Except no, it's not fine. A stench demon has entered my serene world of moderately priced fragrances in the form of a 400+ pound woman and her pregnant looking husband. The woman is being pushed on a device I have never seen before, some wheelchair that has been jerry-rigged to keep the woman's bulbous form horizontal at all times. The smell surrounding her is unbelievable, some kind of rancid mix of fish, sweat, and the distinctive order of blood. I'm scared. They wheel towards me.

"Welcome to [store], what brings you guys in today?"

"Wa she say?" the stench demon croaked.
"She asked us 'howdy doo?", her husband hollered back. I swear on Chris- he really said that. I was officially in an unironic Mark Twain novel.

"Oh. Tell her I need the shower spray. And sanitizer. And ask her 'bout the cooty stuffs."

"You heared the wife. Hook her up with some shower spray." Except they didn't say "shower spray". It was more like "sure spry", and I had no idea what they were talking about.

"I'm sorry, what was that? Sure deodorant? We don't carry that product here. But I can help you find something similar!" No I can't. Disappear from my life so I can forget you.

"The SURE SPRY! THE SURE SPRY! The red bottle right there!" stench beast gestured wildly at an ordinary bottle of body spray. You know, the light fragrance mist you might spray on your arms and cloths to freshen up? Body spray. Just body spray.

"Did you perhaps mean our fine fragrance mist?" I asked.

"Yeah the sure spry. The spry you used stead of a sure." Oh, that explains the smell. Alright.

"Well, we don't recommend that that our products be used instead of a shower...perhaps after a shower would be more appropriate."

"Girl, I look like I can git in a sure?"

"Um. Well, maybe..., we have these really nice loofas with a handle..."

"Well wa bout the sanitizers? You still go thems?" I need to add that I would never recommend a person in her condition use any alcohol- based body products. Her skin was so pocked and thin and pale, I would be afraid the alcohol would instantly burn her.
I won't bore you with the details of me selling them miniature hand sanitizer, and selecting a "Sure spry" for the mrs. The real fun came when I tried to recommend a lotion to go with her new "sure spry".

"This is a great choice for someone who has sensitive skin. It has aloe in it, so it will feel cool against your skin." I demonstrated by placing a small amount of lotion on the back fat of her hand and rubbing it in. When I removed my hand from her, she extended her paw towards her husband and he dutifully licked it.

"Naw, this one don't taste no good," he determined.

"With all due respect sir, it isn't suppose to," I reminded them. He just chortled.

"Well, if I'm going to be tasting it, it better taste good!"

"I don't understa- oh. Okay. Wow. Well. Are you guys all set then? Ready to check out?" MOTHERFUCKER LEAVE MY PRESENCE BEFORE I GET MYSELF FIRED.

"Well this help the wife with her cooty bumps?"
"Sir?"
"When she shave her cooty it gets real red and bleeding. What we got to do to stop that?"

How do you even respond to that? How does one respond to the physical embodiment of yahoo answers? Unfortunately for me, this is not the first time I had been asked that particular question, so I actually knew exactly what to recommend (shave with lotion as a lubricant, moisturize with shea butter, and treat with no-bump anti- antiperspirant deodorant, for all you curious kiwis). I told him this, and his face lit up. Clearly he was thinking about all the creepy sex he was going to have with his nearly immobile wife.

Their grand total came to only 26 dollars, too little for me to make my sales plan or even close in on my daily sales goal. Motherfucking retail.

I salute how well you handle all these people and manage to stay sane afterwards.

 

[Dalhox Wolfchains]

I went to McDonald's early today, by total accident. I thought I was gonna be late, turns out I was an hour early. So I waited until I was actually supposed to get to work.

Here's where the fun begins.
So I clock in, get my headset on, and head to the drive-thru booth. Standing there, taking orders, doing the normal routine. Soon, the lunch rush hits. This is never a problem for me because I'm a fast talker and can get through the rushes quickly.
Then someone comes up and ruins the groove.
Woman drives up, orders about 13 dollars worth of food. This isn't normally a problem- Except, she paid in DIMES AND NICKELS. Even worse? It's a goddamned lunch rush going on at the very moment- so I have to be able to count all this change, and I have to count it fast. I was pretty much gonna scream at this woman.
No seriously, there's a thing called Coinstar. It's really nifty, and let's you turn all your change into dollars just for these kinda situations. It's been around for years. And it seems like a foreign concept to some people.

 

[Ace_Reloaded]

One of my fave customers is the local manager of a chain pizza place. When he comes in to have signs or whatever made we always shoot the breeze while they print and he was telling me he gets that same problem. For some reason people get it in their heads to unload their change at his counter, and of course you gotta crack open every roll because of scammers who put batteries in the middle of them, so now you're wasting ten minutes counting coins while a line of pissed off people grows.

Another time we were talking about the opposite problem- customers who treat you like a bank (or counterfeit money launderer...) and roll up first thing in the morning and use a $100 bill to pay for a $10 item. That drives me fucking insane. I can SEE smaller bills in their wallet and know they're just using us to break the bill. BITCH THERE'S AN ATM ONE BUILDING OVER, AND A BANK TWO BUILDINGS OVER. COME ON.

My pizza guy has a way of handling them though. A few weeks ago he said a guy walked in right at opening, buys a small pizza and pulls out a hundred.

"We just opened and haven't gotten any cash in the till yet, do you have anything smaller or another method of payment?" Pizza Guy asks.

Smug douchebag apparently responded: "No, can't you make change from your safe?"

Which is an asshole thing to ask for anyway. Pizza Guy isn't one of those managers who lounges around. When he's at the store, he's a worker. To go to the back he's got to get someone else to get off the pizza line to come run the front, which means making one person on the line now do two people's jobs, go all the way to the office, open the safe, change the money, make a note in the ledger that it's been changed, and come back up just because this guy is too lazy drive a block. True, it's first thing so it's not busy yet, but still, what makes this guy so great that he thinks he's entitled to that effort?

But ~the customer is always right~, so my pizza guy goes to the back and returns with the man's change- entirely in rolls of coins.

The customer flips out. "The fuck is this! I don't want all these!"

"You wanted change, this is change. It's all I've got right now because we just opened."

The customer pulled out his Visa (wow, suddenly he conveniently DOES have another method of payment!) to pay and left with his $100 bill fuming about not getting to use them as his personal bank. And not a single fuck was given by Pizza Guy that day.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

I started working at a grocery store as a stocker this weekend.

Saturday afternoon a guy asked us for shower curtain hooks. We didn't have them, and then the boss told my co-worker and me we'd get a lot of weird questions. Oh, gosh, I wish he would have elaborated.

OK, that's not too weird, but it got worse.

Last night someone drove their car into the wall of the store. I don't know how that can happen because all parking spots are far from the store.

 

[D.Angus]

Last night someone drove their car into the wall of the store. I don't know how that can happen because all parking spots are far from the store.

People kept doing that to the post office.. Seriously, 5 times it happened in one year.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

People kept doing that to the post office.. Seriously, 5 times it happened in one year.

Our Pier One got driven into so many times. It was right next to the entrance for the parking lot, but considering the layout of the street I have no idea how someone fucks up that bad.

I just thought of a story from when I was still a receptionist.

Spoiler: kind of long story

So I was working in my college's tutorial center and helping students find available tutors. Just as a little background information, it's all drop in tutoring. The tutors are all students and we base their schedules around when they have time to work around their classes. They are only asked to tutor subjects they're comfortable tutoring. We had a tutor key arranged by subject where you can look up say, Sciences, and see what tutors do what section. Physiology for example. Then you check the computer and see on the handy Excel spreadsheet when Jerry the Physiology tutor is available. Now, we aren't a very large college, and we've never had very many tutors. There unfortunately are going to be times where we do not have someone available to tutor certain subjects.

This one girl that came in was looking for a Physiology tutor at an off-time (kind of early in the morning I think, when it's always hard to find tutors) I explained the process and pointed that the people who have "Physiology" next to their name can tutor that subject. None of those tutors happened to be in at the time, so she might want to come in later when we do have someone available. She asked if any of these other people could tutor Physiology. Reasonable question at this point. I explained again, tutors only tutor the subjects listed by their name. If it doesn't say Physiology, they don't tutor Physiology. She still didn't understand.

I must have said to her at least six times that we did not have anyone that could tutor her at that exact second and that she should come in a little later. She was just very confused as to why a person who does not tutor Physiology, could not tutor her with Physiology, and she asked multiple times if any once could tutor her right then (That's why, nearly a year later, I still remember that she was looking for Physiology). I don't remember how I finally convinced her to come in later. No I cannot summon a Physiology tutor from the mystical dimension located in my anus. I'm sorry.

 

[Magpie]

Not quite retail and not my place of employment but I witness something amusing today.

So I went to get a hair cut at a rather popular salon here. It's right smack in the busiest part of the city, and it's late afternoon when everyone is getting off of work, finishing shopping, and whatnot. Lots of people go there because it's convenient and they do walk in haircuts that include a wash and styling for a tenner. That's good and cheap, so it's understandable that it would be busy. They also had a shortage of staff tonight, so the times were longer than usual. When I walked in the receptionist made it very clear and kindly so to me that the wait would be about 45 minutes if not more, which was fine as I made sure I wouldn't have to be in a rush before going in.

After about 50 minutes of waiting with about 10 - 12 people ahead of me (talk about efficient) I started getting my hair cut, and the first chair in the queue (aka whoever goes next) was right next to me. The middle-aged lady sitting there looked disgruntled and unpleasant as hell, even without my glasses and her face being an amorphous blob contorted into an ugly scowl. After a little bit she gets up and starts hurling abuse at one of the ladies who was sweeping up the floor, bellyaching about her long wait and how dare she not be given preferential treatment over everyone else who had been waiting. She also railed on another stylist who was just taking a little break so she could eat her dinner. Once she was done having her temper tantrum she stormed out of the salon continuing about "shitty service." Bitch also knocked around my stuff on her way out.

I chatted with my stylist and she was saying that people do that a lot, which is really unfortunate. They don't seem to understand that if you want to get your hair cut at a certain time, you should call in advance and book an appointment. You're paying dirt cheap prices in exchange for a longer wait. It really is not a difficult concept to grasp. To make that whole hissy fit better is that if the cunt waited just another 3 - 4 minutes she would have been getting her hair cut. I made sure to tip my stylist a bit extra after that whole tirade. She was too nice for that kind of bullshit.

 

[voiceguy]

This is a 100% true story. (Trust me, not even I could make up something like this.)

I spent a few years working in a major Chicago theater that brought in touring companies of Broadway musicals. In 1983 we brought in the 40th anniversary production of Oklahoma! which was directed by Oscar Hammerstein II's (the lyricist for the songs) grandson Richard Hammerstein. It was a huge event and we plastered the city and the airwaves with ads. Then one day I receive a very angry phone call.

ME: Arie Crown Theater, how may I help you?
MAN: Connect me with your advertising department immediately!
ME: I'm sorry sir, but all of our advertising is handled by an outside agency.
MAN: Well, have you seen the newspaper ad they're running for Oklahoma!? It's very misleading!
ME: Let me look at it again. (I pull out the original ad layout from my file, fearing the newspaper has messed something up) Okay, sir, what do you feel is misleading about the ad?
MAN: The ad says the play is directed by Richard Hammerstein.
ME: That's correct, sir. The play is directed by Richard Hammerstein.
MAN: And you don't think that's misleading?
ME: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand how advertising a play directed by Richard Hammerstein as being "directed by Richard Hammerstein" is in any way misleading.
MAN: BECAUSE OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN IS DEAD!
ME: I am well aware of that. He died many years ago. Richard Hammerstein is his grandson.
MAN: I KNOW WHO RICHARD HAMMERSTEIN IS! I'M NOT STUPID!
ME: Then I'm afraid I'm not grasping the problem, sir.
MAN: The problem is that when people read that the play is directed by Richard Hammerstein they are going to ASSUME you mean OSCAR Hammerstein and he couldn't have directed it because HE'S DEAD!
ME: Sir, I honestly believe that when people read the ad they are going to assume that the play is directed by Richard Hammerstein who I assure you is very much alive.
MAN: WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?!
ME: Because you're an idiot, sir. (I hang up)

My boss came out of her office in time to hear the last part of the conversation. She demanded to know why I would call one of our customers an idiot, so I relayed the conversation to her. She stood for a moment mulling it over, then said "What an idiot"and went back into her office.

 

[GRANDnumberofMULTIPLES]

Right now I am working two jobs and while I love one of the stores, I hate the second one at a well known toy store. The kids are usually pretty cute, just today I had a red haired girl tell me how she wanted to be Anna from frozen and save her sister who is away at college, its the parents who are horrible.
We constantly have parents dumping their kids at store events for us to babysit without our knowledge until on of them gets upset and comes to us.
The worst incident I have ever dealt with was when a four year old girl had to use the restroom and came up to me with her grandmother. I just happened to be with the store detective, who was in plain cdetect. When I told her that the restroom was at the other end of the store she looked at her grandmother to take her and right in front of us the woman said "are you fucking retarded its right there!" I was beyond disgusted and told her to watch her language in the store. She got pissed and grabbed the poor kids arm and started to drag her away but it was too late and she wet herself halfway there.
I quickly paged for a mop and I grabbed some of the candy I had to my apron to help console the kid, something the employees in my store do, but as I got there that woman grabbed the girl by the hair and shoved her face into the puddle of urine with one hand and was hitting her behind with the other.
The detective ripped this woman off the girl and the police were called. I took the girl to the break room to get her away from the situation while the cops had to pin her down. When the cops got there and tried to arrest her she faked chest pains and an ambulance took her away.
She was charged with assault and I found out that she was the poor kid's legal guardian because the mother was deemed unfit.
Just a month ago though I found out that the girl was in the process of being adopted by her foster family. So there is a happy ending there.

Jesus fuck, retail exposed me to so many people who have no qualms about wailing on their kids. I try to stay out of the spanking debate (but think that it's completely worthless as an all-the-time punishment) and feel like there's a clear line between that and abuse.

The one time I was rendered completely speechless was seeing two parents screaming at a toddler and then backhanding him. Straight up fucking BACKHANDING a toddler. Who is in the process of learning how the world works and doesn't really have a clear understanding of how to control himself in public! So instead of trying to figure out what's wrong they pulled that shit in the middle of an upscale department store and kept screaming at him after he kept (obviously) howling. I ended up calling Loss Prevention/Security and hid out in a stockroom because they noticed me.

God, it's like watching a dad raise his hand and glare at his baby/toddler daughter in a high chair when I was a teenager. She would start to cry and then stop when he did that. She would shrink away too.

I know that there's real shitty people in the world and had friends who grew up in environments like that but it still astonishes me. I'm really glad your story had a happy ending

 

[ShavedSheep]

This is a 100% true story. (Trust me, not even I could make up something like this.)

I spent a few years working in a major Chicago theater that brought in touring companies of Broadway musicals. In 1983 we brought in the 40th anniversary production of Oklahoma! which was directed by Oscar Hammerstein II's (the lyricist for the songs) grandson Richard Hammerstein. It was a huge event and we plastered the city and the airwaves with ads. Then one day I receive a very angry phone call.

ME: Arie Crown Theater, how may I help you?
MAN: Connect me with your advertising department immediately!
ME: I'm sorry sir, but all of our advertising is handled by an outside agency.
MAN: Well, have you seen the newspaper ad they're running for Oklahoma!? It's very misleading!
ME: Let me look at it again. (I pull out the original ad layout from my file, fearing the newspaper has messed something up) Okay, sir, what do you feel is misleading about the ad?
MAN: The ad says the play is directed by Richard Hammerstein.
ME: That's correct, sir. The play is directed by Richard Hammerstein.
MAN: And you don't think that's misleading?
ME: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand how advertising a play directed by Richard Hammerstein as being "directed by Richard Hammerstein" is in any way misleading.
MAN: BECAUSE OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN IS DEAD!
ME: I am well aware of that. He died many years ago. Richard Hammerstein is his grandson.
MAN: I KNOW WHO RICHARD HAMMERSTEIN IS! I'M NOT STUPID!
ME: Then I'm afraid I'm not grasping the problem, sir.
MAN: The problem is that when people read that the play is directed by Richard Hammerstein they are going to ASSUME you mean OSCAR Hammerstein and he couldn't have directed it because HE'S DEAD!
ME: Sir, I honestly believe that when people read the ad they are going to assume that the play is directed by Richard Hammerstein who I assure you is very much alive.
MAN: WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?!
ME: Because you're an idiot, sir. (I hang up)

My boss came out of her office in time to hear the last part of the conversation. She demanded to know why I would call one of our customers an idiot, so I relayed the conversation to her. She stood for a moment mulling it over, then said "What an idiot"and went back into her office.

It must have been great in America before we got so concerned with offending people or getting sued .

 

[littlebiscuits]

This woman was soooooo mad, like red in the face, breathing heavily mad, because her candle didn't burn evenly. See if you can spot why!

 

[yasscat]

This woman was soooooo mad, like red in the face, breathing heavily mad, because her candle didn't burn evenly. See if you can spot why!

I feel like lighting the third wick might have helped.

 

[GRANDnumberofMULTIPLES]

I feel like lighting the third wick might have helped.

NO! It's obviously defective! Don't you know anything!

Like... how did she even miss that? B&BW have to be some of the easiest-to-burn candles as long as you just use a little sense.

 

[littlebiscuits]

I feel like lighting the third wick might have helped.

When I suggested this, she became flustered and muttered something about "well, when they don't got no instructions, how's a person to know?" and still returned the candle.

 

[yasscat]

When I suggested this, she became flustered and muttered something about "well, when they don't got no instructions, how's a person to know?" and still returned the candle.

...jesus tap dancing christ.

I'm so sorry. *_*

 

[Surtur]

When I suggested this, she became flustered and muttered something about "well, when they don't got no instructions, how's a person to know?" and still returned the candle.

I am so happy I don't work in retail anymore.

 

[Ace_Reloaded]

If she actually requires instructions for a candle it's probably good that she returned it. I don't like to think of a person like that messing around with open flames.

 

[Pinkamena Diane Pie]

I've seen parents flat out threaten to beat their children on multiple occasions. It's even more fucked up when they look at me, smile, and shake their heads like I somehow understand. All I understand is that you should be sterilized and your children homed with people who actually love them.

I know this is old, but recently I saw something that fits this.

I did not work at Walmart, but i went there fairly frequently. I came out of school one day, my dad stopping in for dinner items. Bored, I wandered off to look for various other items. I found something funny and decided to show my dad. When I was searching for him, I over heard a Toddler wailing. I don't know what he did, but he got louder with each threat she made.

She acted like and looked like a dog in every way. Ever see a dog low growl? She did that, essentially. She repeatedly threatened him soft and quietly. Something along the terms of "stop...shut the *** up. Shut up."

She glared at me as a result of looking.

It could be as bad as Shopping Cart Family.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

MAN: The problem is that when people read that the play is directed by Richard Hammerstein they are going to ASSUME you mean OSCAR Hammerstein and he couldn't have directed it because HE'S DEAD!

My old bitty supervisor at work would totally say something like this.