Once upon a time there was a dear little girl who was loved by every one who looked at her, but most of all by her grandmother, and there was nothing that she would not have given to the child. Once she gave her a little red cap of velvet, which suited her so well that she would never wear anything else, so she was always called "Little Red-Cap".
One day her mother said to her, "Come, Little Red-Cap, here is a pot full of Spaghetti Bolognese and a bottle of Mountain Dew; take them to your grandmother, she is ill and weak, and they will do her good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the pan, and then your grandmother will get nothing; and when you go into her room, don't forget to say 'Good-morining', and don't peep into every corner before you do it."
"I will take great care," said Little Red-Cap to her mother, and gave her hand on it.
The grandmother lived out in the wood, half a league from the village, and Little Red-Cap's journey was pleasantly uneventful. She had been running around gathering a fresh boquet of flowers that would cover her grandmother's room in a delightful blanket of floral fragrances.
When she finally reached her grandmother's cottage she was surprised to find the door open, and when she went into the room, she had such a strange feeling that she said to herself, "Oh dear! how uneasy I feel to-day, and at other times I like being with grandmother so much." She called out, "Good morning," but received no answer save for a faint squelching, so she went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay her grandmother with her cap pulled far over her face, holding an empty ketchup bottle, and looking very strange.
"Oh! grandmother," she said, "what big ears you have!"
"The better to hear my malfunctioning TV with, my child," was the reply.
"But, grandmother, what big eyes you have!" she said.
"The better to see my tiny tablet screens and monitors with, my dear."
"But, grandmother, what big feet you have!" she said.
"It's just a bit of bandage and a dab of Neosporin, my dear." came the reply.
"But grandmother, what large hands you have!"
"The better to write my furry fagbait fanfic commissions with."
"Oh! but grandmother, what a terrible big mouth you have! And why, your front teeth are missing!"
"THE BETTER TO SLURP ALL THE SPAGHETTI WITH!"
And scarcely had the lazy fat fucking furry faggot Louis Dominic Gagliardi III said this, than with one whimper and a deep sigh he was out of bed and swallowed up the pot of Spaghetti Bolognese.
When the lazy PA resident had appeased his appetite, he lay down again in the bed, and started loudly complaining "Dear Little Red-Cap, here's the deal, I'm on my hand and knees begging you for the paltry sum of $10 I want to give my nephew the gift of reading, I just need a measly $20 for bandages and Neosporin, I require $50 so I can buy groceries and have $20 for the bus fare, please give me $100 for a new keyboard case and charging cables for my iPad Mini Air Pro NEEDS BEFORE WANTS, just $200 would give a lot of progress towards that new Acer notebook I want to write my commissions on, JUST GIVE ME TEN THOUSAND FUCKING U S DOLLARS SO I CAN GET THAT TOP OF THE LINE iMAC and $20 more for bus fare SINCE MY TRANSPHOBIC FUCKING WHORE MOTHER WON'T TAKE MY LAZY ASS TO WAL-MART NOTHING IS EVER MANDATORY!" howled the man-child with increasing agitation in his voice.
As the creature spiraled deeper and deeper into his diabetic rage his breathing became increasingly laboured and it finally expired in a pool of it own piss, having had a heart attack and a stroke at the same time.
Little Red-Cap turned away, crying with sheer horror - and was finally greeted by the relieved face of her beloved grandmother, far too terrified to say anything up until now.
They walked back, hand in hand, to Little Red-Cap's house and the grandmother moved in with her daughter's family for the Great Forest of Pennsyltuckystan was indeed a queer place, full of horrible wonders and wondrous horrors, unfit for human habitation.
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