How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Gilgamesh]

I’m really failing to see the point anymore. I exercise like a fiend, live with someone I love, have hobbies, touch grass, and still when I look inside my soul it’s like a void with a single tumbleweed just bouncing by. I sit in front of my stop-feeling-sad light and am on my third brand of brain pills and I might as well be throwing back tic-tacs for all the good they do me.

I’m not going to do anything because a) I’m a coward and b) I have people that care about me and as bad as I feel I sure as shit don’t want to pass bad feelings off to them. I just have to look in the mirror for another forty years and see nothing looking back

I've was in a similar situation to yours, where I thought I had it all but my soul was empty, and what I found that helped was reading massive amounts of books (usually philosophy), slowly start writing/creating works of art (sometimes publishing it online) and slightly secluding myself from my loved ones. Just enough where it wouldn't be noticed, but where I could keep my newfound activities to myself. It felt good.

Also, I ain't no doc but a lot of the times those brain meds make you feel worse than you actually should. I'm also not a anti-medical nut or whatever, but when I was cut off my meds as a teen I was forced to rapidly self-improve and placate my depression and anxiety. Those folks before that lived before pills were invented dealt with their mental states somehow, and I think we can too.
Of course this is moot if you have a severe psychiatric condition like schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder,

 

[Basil Julep]

I’m really failing to see the point anymore. I exercise like a fiend, live with someone I love, have hobbies, touch grass, and still when I look inside my soul it’s like a void with a single tumbleweed just bouncing by. I sit in front of my stop-feeling-sad light and am on my third brand of brain pills and I might as well be throwing back tic-tacs for all the good they do me.

I’m not going to do anything because a) I’m a coward and b) I have people that care about me and as bad as I feel I sure as shit don’t want to pass bad feelings off to them. I just have to look in the mirror for another forty years and see nothing looking back

Hey. Not sure what to say but I wanted to say something. I am impressed with how much you are doing for yourself and I hope you can feel proud of all those things even if you are still feeling so bad.

Something that helped me a little was to upgrade my SAD lamp from one of those little things that is marketed for SAD to two soft photography lights. It has the added benefit that I look amazing on zoom calls. Much brighter and I think that helps my mood. I actually upgraded the bulbs to be brighter than the ones that it came with.

I feel tacky for suggesting it after your heartfelt post. I hope you find things that work for you and that it isn't as hard as it is now.

 

[Some Badger]

Is there a term for feeling depressed but you're still able to function and you're not actually certain if you're depressed? I can't focus on my art, I can't bring myself to focus on learning animation, I feel trapped and unable to motivate myself to improve my life, but I continue to function normally. I still think out loud when I'm taking a walk, I can still show up to my jobs and fulfill my contracts, I still find enjoyment out of playing video games and going out to eat, but there's still this pestering feeling I feel in the back of my mind that hasn't gone away. I don't feel any passion, and I haven't felt it since Christmas, and I'm terrified.

 

[William "Billy" Eilish]

I’m really failing to see the point anymore. I exercise like a fiend, live with someone I love, have hobbies, touch grass, and still when I look inside my soul it’s like a void with a single tumbleweed just bouncing by. I sit in front of my stop-feeling-sad light and am on my third brand of brain pills and I might as well be throwing back tic-tacs for all the good they do me.

I’m not going to do anything because a) I’m a coward and b) I have people that care about me and as bad as I feel I sure as shit don’t want to pass bad feelings off to them. I just have to look in the mirror for another forty years and see nothing looking back

Tough love time for the both of ya because I prefer being the only miserable bastard around so listen up. You Loudmouth Lisa At least you have someone to love and have your life in some sort of presentable state remember not everyone is as lucky. Man or woman up life gets bad enjoy the not so shitty parts. And when you see emptiness work on filling it then spread what's excess to someone not so full.

Is there a term for feeling depressed but you're still able to function and you're not actually certain if you're depressed? I can't focus on my art, I can't bring myself to focus on learning animation, I feel trapped and unable to motivate myself to improve my life, but I continue to function normally. I still think out loud when I'm taking a walk, I can still show up to my jobs and fulfill my contracts, I still find enjoyment out of playing video games and going out to eat, but there's still this pestering feeling I feel in the back of my mind that hasn't gone away. I don't feel any passion, and I haven't felt it since Christmas, and I'm terrified.

You Some Badger That's the human condition friend. Don't focus on learning something you have no motivation for. Take a break from one thing and maybe learn a new thing if you do digital art try pottery or sculpting you will obtain some new skill while letting your creativity batteries recharge. Passion fades if you give it enough tinder and air it will flare up again. Don't fear it never coming back but fear never doing anything because apathy stops you.

 

[LoudmouthLisa]

Thank you, everybody.

 

[Vingle]

Is there a term for feeling depressed but you're still able to function and you're not actually certain if you're depressed? I can't focus on my art, I can't bring myself to focus on learning animation, I feel trapped and unable to motivate myself to improve my life, but I continue to function normally. I still think out loud when I'm taking a walk, I can still show up to my jobs and fulfill my contracts, I still find enjoyment out of playing video games and going out to eat, but there's still this pestering feeling I feel in the back of my mind that hasn't gone away. I don't feel any passion, and I haven't felt it since Christmas, and I'm terrified.

Honestly felt the exact same thing my whole adult life, and every time I try do something new. It fails miserably, aside from working out.
It's just a new normal, you may feel miserable a few years until your'e content with it

 

[Shitted Scaredless]

Learning to laugh at the stupid shit my anxiety wants to think is wrong with my body. I'm going to beat this kiwis.

 

[Pale Empress]

Last week I hooked up with somebody of the same gender as me, the first time I've done anything like that. It was okay, we hung out the next day and watched movies together, and that was fine. Now they're texting me constantly, and the more I think about it, the less sure I am that this is for me. I've been "straight" in my dating life forever, so this is all new and I'm way too emotionally unstable to deal with this in a healthy way, not to mention the stigma attached with same sex relationships.

Worse because we work together two days out of the week.

Point being, I feel like I'm leading them on, I can't commit to this not only because it's "new," but also because I do want my own biological children with my partner.

Still on the fence as to what to do, but the more I think about it, the more certain I am that I should nip this in the bud as soon as possible so it all doesn't go pear shaped.

I'm not sure whether it's the human intimacy I crave or whether it's something more legitimate, but I'm leaning towards the former right now.

 

[William "Billy" Eilish]

Learning to laugh at the stupid shit my anxiety wants to think is wrong with my body. I'm going to beat this kiwis.

Remember nobody ever born was ever 100% happy with themselves it's ok to feel anxiety about anything to do with your body just don't let it consume you. Also and I hope this helps: I think something that is more important than most people think is to take small steps and the at the end of the day take stock of what you have done or improved on. If you improve even a little bit day after day you'll notice things get easier and easier untill finally you start craving the improvement and maybe even start pushing yourself farther than you thought possible.

 

[Vingle]

Worse because we work together two days out of the week.

Point being, I feel like I'm leading them on, I can't commit to this not only because it's "new," but also because I do want my own biological children with my partner.

Oh no, don't shit where you eat

You can tell her/him this, you know. Actually communicating.

 

[Shitted Scaredless]

Remember nobody ever born was ever 100% happy with themselves it's ok to feel anxiety about anything to do with your body just don't let it consume you. Also and I hope this helps: I think something that is more important than most people think is to take small steps and the at the end of the day take stock of what you have done or improved on. If you improve even a little bit day after day you'll notice things get easier and easier untill finally you start craving the improvement and maybe even start pushing yourself farther than you thought possible.

Yes, true. Though specifically I'm currently struggling with medical anxiety. Hypochondria shit that's really dumb once whatever anxiety passes. But when its happening, you can't tell dumb from not dumb on the surface level where the fear is. Like, realistically, you know you're not having a heart attack, but the pure animal fear says oh yes you are. So it's a battle of the primal part of the brain and reasoning.
So, I'm actively trying to laugh at the concerns when they happen.

 

[Pale Empress]

Oh no, don't shit where you eat

You can tell her/him this, you know. Actually communicating.

Going to go do coffee with them tomorrow, hopefully we can put it to bed without causing too much drama. For the sake of closure I'll post a followup after it happens.

I followed the "don't shit where you eat" policy for five years, I wouldn't even date in the same county because I work service industry, I don't know what came over me this time around. Big mistake.

 

[SexPistol]

I know I mentioned my situation briefly about being arrested last month. The charges were dropped because it was dumb. I feel annoyed that I have to expunge my record.

Everyone says be grateful but I never did anything anyway. Things work exactly how they are supposed to but the family is convinced that the system is corrupt. It’s not because I live in a reasonable county.

 

[William "Billy" Eilish]

Yes, true. Though specifically I'm currently struggling with medical anxiety. Hypochondria shit that's really dumb once whatever anxiety passes. But when its happening, you can't tell dumb from not dumb on the surface level where the fear is. Like, realistically, you know you're not having a heart attack, but the pure animal fear says oh yes you are. So it's a battle of the primal part of the brain and reasoning.
So, I'm actively trying to laugh at the concerns when they happen.

Fuck well now I've made an ass out of myself lol my bad, but don't stress about having a heart attack that will only put stress on your heart!

 

[Hypnomouse]

Yes, true. Though specifically I'm currently struggling with medical anxiety. Hypochondria shit that's really dumb once whatever anxiety passes. But when its happening, you can't tell dumb from not dumb on the surface level where the fear is. Like, realistically, you know you're not having a heart attack, but the pure animal fear says oh yes you are. So it's a battle of the primal part of the brain and reasoning.
So, I'm actively trying to laugh at the concerns when they happen.

Yo, have you tried propranolol? Where I live its very cheap and over the counter. It's a beta blocker. Blocks adrenaline. In essence blocks the physical symptoms. And by symptoms I mean felling your heart beating very fast and shaking. Maybe its worth the try? To take it when you feel yourself getting anxious.

 

[Shitted Scaredless]

Yo, have you tried propranolol? Where I live its very cheap and over the counter. It's a beta blocker. Blocks adrenaline. In essence blocks the physical symptoms. And by symptoms I mean felling your heart beating very fast and shaking. Maybe its worth the try? To take it when you feel yourself getting anxious.

Maybe. I've currently got an emergency medicine to rescue me if the panic sets in. But I'm already on quite a few medications. Laughing at the fact my mind wants me to think my spine is leaking is easier

 

[Coelacanth]

Unfortunately lost another gerbil this morning. At the very least I had the chance to say goodbye to him this time.

 

[JosephStalin]

Believe I'm cancer-free now. Removed this morning, Mohs procedure. Doctor removed growth. Was bandaged and sent to waiting room to wait for a bit while all edges and underside were checked to ensure no cancer cells present. Doctor got it all the first time, back tomorrow for stitches. Took about 30 minutes from advertised start time. Went by oncologist's office very close by, let them know the deed was done.

Had some time to kill before appointment in another part of town, so walked to downtown Monterey. Hadn't been there in some time. Hadn't missed anything. Saw a number of places empty, saw some being renovated. Saw enough empty places to wonder if a recession was coming within the next 6-12 months. Celebrated with a donut from the donut shop. Had rained a little while having procedure done. First rain in weeks. Chilly, overcast and windy.

Went to the next appointment, with spinal surgeon, follow-up after June spinal fusion surgery. He just wanted to see how I was doing. Doing well, no muscle spasms or nerve-related pain. That's the last appointment unless something comes up.
Did a couple of other things on the way home. Just taking it easy the rest of the day. Pretty grateful to know cancer removed and spine good. Hope whatever comes up in the future can also be fixed via the knife.

 

[MARlNA]

I've always struggled with depression but it's been especially bad as of late after finding out I am infertile. I'll be alright eventually, but shit sucks.

 

[PS2 Kiryu]

My troon friend, whom ive been pretty supportive for years decided i was the antichrist because i say retard or ching chong from time to time. Because " i may be hurting the feelings " of a virtually nobody as these words were used colloquially, not targetted towards anybody in particular. This is a person that i had to coach how to write a decent CV, that i even offered a safe haven from the shithole they are currently living with their parents, that i had to play therapist for many many times. This was genuinely a good person, but the moment i lost track of them due to personal issues, they landed on that degenerate cesspool that is the tranny reddit. He was brainwashed to a point to burn bridges over gay shit. Up to this point i havent cared much about the troons, i would just be entertained by their antics, but now im legit seething at the degeneracy and cult shit they pull on people. Sorry had to bent, im normally pretty emotionally numb. I hate these reddit troons. Hope they 81%