My abuser found out out i was making moves to leave her and now she is spreading lies about me.
Tw rape, abuse
I've been abused by my former partner @politiquestions since december 7, 2011 when she invited me over to cuddle and then locked me in a house with her, pinned me down, verbally intimidated me, and raped me.
- She locked me in with a deadbolt, and hid the key.
- she pinned me down without my consent
- she said something intimidating to me while she had me pinned down, also without my consent (my memory on the precise words she used is fuzzy because of trauma and time)
- when i hemmed and hawed out of shock when she started asking me to consent to having sex with her, she became belligerent and demanded that i answer.
- i was locked in and literally pinned, i hadn't consented and that is not a situation one can meaningfully consent in
She claimed later that it was a misunderstanding, but i had texted her as a condition of coming over that i did not want to have sex. She replied that she would masturbate before i came over.
The same pattern followed for years, not remembering my boundaries, using force and/or intimidation to get what she wants anyways, claim it was a misunderstanding.
My former fiancée @politiquestions and i have been having problems for, well, a long time.
She's been yelling at me (taking out her frustration about things she hasnt communicated to me or that have nothing to do with me.) and often refusing to leave me alone when i ask for space, for most of our relationship.
It was pretty subtle initially, and she convinced me i was wrong and she was right on several occasions. It wasn't until after we moved in together and i noticed she was yelling "I'M. NOT. YELLING!" pretty frequently. It would take really long to list off everything she's yelled at me about, from me not thinking to put a drink in the fridge for her while she parked, to me saying if she wanted to help me with my Dad's memorial service, it would mean a lot to me, but no pressure, etc. Some of the yelling is also agressive interrupting, on top of the regular, lengthy one-sided interruptions in any normal conversation she and i have.
It was also hard for me to figure out what the problem was because on top of me being a bit gullible, a few years ago @politiquestions caused me to switch bedrooms by trashing her room (and not letting me in to clean) so much that i couldnt install the ac unit. My room was relatively tidy(not hard to be) so i put the ac in there and invited her to sleep and hang out in the room with the only ac.
Being separated from her computer was a huge problem for her, so i let her 'temporarily' take over my desk and bring in her computer. It stayed pretty tidy since it wasnt only her room and i was allowed in there, so i would pick up regularly. Weeks went by and when it got cooler we didn't need the fan or ac as much, so without the fan noise, the noise of her on the computer all night was waking me up. I explained this and reminded her of the original situation and what my bedtime was, and asked that she not use her computer past that time. That night as i got into bed she sat down at the computer, and turned it on.
I reminded her of the conversation we had earlier, and she replied "but i want to use the computer tonight" and turned back to clicking with the mouse. I ended up taking a pillow and a blanket to the couch. That couch was mostly where i slept for a couple years.
I tried numerous times to talk to her about the issue, but i was met with resistance, and the reasoning that since she had no battery for the discussion, i should respect her boundary. I was also trying to clean up the room she trashed.
I had to move furniture and still packed moving boxes to dig out piles of wrappers and tissues and junk, and vaccum up the remaining grossness. It took a really long time to do that because sleeping on the couch meant pain, and sleep deprivation, having to wait for her to be
done with the living room and kitchen area so i could try to sleep. She would still come out every couple hours to microwave something (frequently slamming the microwave door and/or leaving it to beepbeep every few minutes for an hour) or otherwise rummage around in the kitchen.
After she got the ps4 she sometimes came into the living room and turned on the tv and started playing video games while i struggled to sleep in the living room. And sleeping on the couch started really hurting my back and knees.
When i eventually got her former room clean enough to set up the bed again, my mattress was still in her new (trashed) room and i had to sleep on her foam mattress that hurts my back and hips, for over a year, i think.
She always had an excude for her treatment of me, so for a long time I was too stressed and sleep deprived and in pain to notice that i wasnt wrong, she really has been taking out her pain and frustration on me for years, and i wasn't causing it.
Once i got my bed back and a room to retreat to, it got easier to follow the sequence of events, to notice that i was regularly getting yelled at for doing things like responding to a question that she asked a few minutes after asking me to be quiet (and also getting yelled at other times for not responding because the "be quiet" boundary hadn't been lifted)
In the midst of all this, when i was pregnant by @politiquestions a few years ago i asked her what would happen if i didn't get an abortion. She told me we couldn't live together if i didn't get the abortion.
By that point i had become estranged from my family in part due to her being upset at me because i felt like i had to stay at my grandfathers funeral even after she started yelling at my brother
(my brother was being a jerk) and my brother made a vague threat about taking it outside. I should have left sooner but i was scared of my abusive family.
I was having terrible morning sickness, migraines, and pain. I was facing being homeless, unemployed, and pregnant with zero support network, so i went along with what she wanted. I felt bad, but i didn't know what else to do.
I wanted to take @politiquestions mother up on her offer to pay for us to have counseling after the abortion, but @politiquestions never had the battery and forbid me to bring up the subject. That was back in 2014, for context.
There are so many things she has forbid me to bring up because she never has the battery to discuss it. Some of them have been daily problems, and so many things are irreparably past their critical point.
I have so much anxiety about all the responsibilities of life that i cant even discuss, much less act on.
I used to think that maybe if i had some time alone with the apartment i could just knock out some of the tasks. No discussion needed, no one yelling at me for being in the way by unpacking and cleaning and sorting her stuff.
After she changed meds last summer she started pressurimg me for sex. which i would have accomodated but she rarely showers or even asks for help to shower, and we hadnt had sex regularly for years because she was frequently too fatigued.
I found the sudden change paired with sweaty b.o. a bit much all at once.
soon after that #metoo was trending and in the news and having been sexually harrassed in a workplace and sexually assaulted, it was just a really stressful topic and i wasn't feeling it.
Then it was december and my dad was in the hospital and died. So i wasnt great at keeping up with @politiquestions interest in sex, and several months ago she started to link, in our conversations, her low self esteem and related suicidal ideations, with not getting sex.
I dug deep to try fix the situation, and the ultimate result of that was i had a miscarriage last week. It was about 6-7 weeks along.
I did not tell her while i was pregnant the 2nd time because every conversation we had lately turned into her yelling at me, but also because after the pregnancy test came out positive i asked her 'hypothetically' what she would do if i were to fall pregnant and didn't want an abortion. She said all three of us would end up dead. I tried to ask what that meant, she set a boundary not to talk about it because of her battery. I felt like that was a threat, but i kept trying to do anything i could so she wouldn't yell at me so i could try to tell her that i guess id need another abortion(or buy time to figure out how to leave with no support and no job or money, i hadnt fully decided). It never worked. It seems like the meeker i have been the more hostile she has behaved. Even light hearted conversations would suddenly turn into her repeatedly yelling at me to let her stop talking, which struck me as troubling, since she was interupting me to yell that.
There was a lot of that kind of thing the last couple weeks, plus she suddenly had a bunch of energy to run errands and i went to help, mainly because when she grocery shops we dont eat fresh fruit or vegetables, and i do most of the shopping and all the cooking and cleaning anyways so i know whats a better deal/needed for us, etc. It ended up being really stressful.
The yelling was another thing that increased after her meds were changed last summer. Ive pointed this out, and she said something to the effect of thats how she felt all along and now she has the energy and something about not being able to hold back anymore. Im sure i dont remember the precise wording. It was hard to follow. I got yelled at for asking for clarification.
I looked up the med. When i mentioned to @politiquestions that it seems like she is experiencing some of the mood related side effects that one is supposed to inform one's doctor about "right away" she disagreed and then put the topic off limits.
I really feel terrible about not being able to pull my own weight financially all this time. I just dont have the ability to hold down a traditional jobwith set hours under these somewhat unpredictable conditions. I constantly have ideas for things i could do from home, but anything that involves shipping something needs space and protection from the filth @politiquestions spreads around the apartment, and anything that requires concentration or focus is out of reach so far, because i cant get her to remember and respect my need to have time to myself, even if i post a note or remind her. She would even yell at me until i left the room crying sometimes, and then send several text messages or come to my door, trying to get me to talk or come back out, emphatically ignoring my pleas to be left alone to calm down.
I cant express how frustrating it has been watching the past few years of my life pass by with so little to show for it.
I've been trying to learn more spanish and math, on apps, just to try to stay sharp for when i can get back to school and a paying job.
I don't want to live like this. I want to work, learn, and have access to healthcare. I even want to be able to socialize together with my partner and other people, instead of feeling anxious and humiliated about getting yelled at over and over.
When i go to bed before @politiquestions i usually wake up to a mess. Crumbs strewn across the furniture, trash on the floor, dirty dishes left in the living room. Its hard to keep up with the level of mess she generates. She hoards huge trash bags worth of filth in her rooms.
Mourning my dad has been hard, ive been depressed and anxious from that too. I can't talk to her about it much. Literally, i only get to say a couple sentences about my dad before she interupts or monopolizes the conversation to go off about her dead (10 years or so) dad. Mostly stories she already told me, but I tried to be supportive anyways.
I feel terrible, telling anyone about her private behavior. And im not a saint. I make mistakes, and i dont always make the best decisions, and I'm terribly limited in terms of how capable i am in general
I cry a lot and i have trouble stopping that and i know that's annoying.
But i didn't do anything to deserve her treatment of me.
She forbid me from talking about her abuse, saying if i gave her long enough, she would eventually talk to me about it. That things would get better.
All the while she was controlling all access to money, acting out if i spent time with anyone else, and yelling at me.
She would never clean up after herself, forcing me to do all the cleaning if i didn't want cockroaches crawling all over me. She would yell at me if i wouldn't cook for her, or if she was frustrated with the groceries i had selected that she declined to weigh in on ahead of time.
Any time i couldnt hop to and take care of a task like driving her around, she subtley threatened to replace me with gig workers.
She regularly breaks my stuff and things in the apartment, if something is difficult she just forces the thing to do what she wants, usually breaking it. She frequently screams while doing so.
During consensusl sex she was abusive too.
She liked to hit me during sex, which was fine when i consented, but i told her i didnt want to do that anymore when my chronic pain became worse after she took over my bedroom and forced me off my bed for years.
She kept asking, and would usually ask after we had recently had a fight (which was mostly her yelling at me and me trying to not cry and get her to stop yelling).
Sometimes she wouldn't ask, or would ignore my no.
She always claimed after that she didn't know. She didn't remember. She heard me wrong. She thought she asked. She forgot. She misunderstood.
Remember those excuses if you are ever alone with her. I doubt I'm the only one she has done this to.
She had me snowed.
And if i questioned whether her behavior was abusive anyways, she would tell me i was being ableist, because she's autistic, because she has memory problems, because her behavior was not her fault. Even though i had those problems myself, and never did that.
I wish i had pictures of all the stuff she broke while forcing it the wrong way, or slamming or yanking on it in (what looked like) anger.
She also spends the money that people give her for transition and meds on electronics for herself, video games and stuff. I tried to ask about the ethics of that and she screamed at me and told me its fine, so i dont know if anyone who donated to her feels that way?
A few weeks after she raped me, i tried to gently confront her about it. I made the mistake of trying to soften it by giving context explaining that im also a csa survivor. She interupted and derailed, and strongly pressured me to go to the cops about it. She said i was responsible if he did it to some other kids. Which is a horrible thing to say to a csa survivor.
So here I am, telling all of you, @politiquestions is a domestic abuser, and a rapist.
Im so scared for her next victim.
I dont know if I'm safe here, physically. @politiquestions has been physical violent to me in the past, but she gaslighted me for so long about it. Idk if i will be able to sleep with her in the same apartment, because she knows i went public about her abusing me. But I wanted someone to know. In case something happens to me. In case anyone she might abuse next is reading this.
Even though she has been coercing me to work for her, she wasn't going to tell me she was dumping me until she was caught up on a bunch of stuff she wants to do before she starts dating again.
She coerced me into admitting i was looking into women's shelters because i was scared of her. That was a few weeks ago, and she has been telling me almost daily that everything will be fine and we'll talk. When i asked her straight out if she still was in love with me last night she surprised me with the truth. No.
When i asked for more information, she started screaming and hitting her pillows against the wall, her bed, and my hand, which was on her bed. I don't know if she meant to hit me with it, and it was only a pillow, but i was very scared.
I went to the kitchen, to get some water from the fridge. A big, full, heavy bottle of kombucha she had bought fell off a shelf she had broken(by stuffing it full instead of putting things away properly), and broke all over the floor. I went to the couch and started tweeting. When she came out i warned her of the broken glass on the floor, and that i hadn't been able to clean it up, and that i probably shouldn't since she broke the door shelf and then put a heavy glass bottle on it.
She actually cleaned it up herself (partially). I already got literally cut by her carelessness, and im not her unpaid maid anymore. Kombucha laden broken glass flying at your legs, stings.
She stormed out, and for the first time in months, i was able to shower today without worrying about her pressuring me for sex afterwards.
