Grand Jury speculation thread

[Nicest Person on a Honda]

or if he manages to get a UVA SJW as a jury member who absolutely refuses to vote guilty.

This varies wildly by state, but grand juries do not have to be unanimous. I am not sure of Virginia's laws.

 

[Roland TB-303]

Let’s say Chris is convicted of a felony and put away and his house is foreclosed. What happens to all the belongings and especially his toys? Will they just be thrown out or auctioned off to recoup some of the costs? The thought of them being thrown away like a used tissue is just *chefs kiss*

 

[Norman B. Normal]

He's a competent and well respected lawyer, but he's not a fucking miracle worker. Nobody could save Jesus Chris Chan Sonichu Goddess Blue Heart from himself. My guess is that Chris fucked up the carefully prepared plea deal that Heilberg secured for him Baked Alaska style.

I can only imagine how that went down. That had to have been some Homer Simpson-level shit.

HEILBERG: Chris, everything has been worked out. If you plead guilty, the court will sentence you to time served and you can leave jail today.

CHRIS: Hm, yeah.

HEILBERG: All you have to do is say "guilty" when the judge asks you how you want to plead.

CHRIS: Okay.

HEILBERG: Chris, this is very serious. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that you understand exactly what you need to do.

CHRIS: I understand.

JUDGE: Mr. Chandler, how do you pl--

CHRIS: That's Ms. Chandler! I am Jesus Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu, CPU Goddess Blue Heart! I did not do anything wrong and Magi-Chan told me this has all been a setup by Michael Snyder and those damn dirty trolls! Soul Bonding is NOT incest and I was HEALING Barbie! True love is ILLEGAL in Virginia!

HEILBERG: Fuck.

 

[Tennis-Ball-Tony]

Let’s say Chris is convicted of a felony and put away and his house is foreclosed. What happens to all the belongings and especially his toys? Will they just be thrown out or auctioned off to recoup some of the costs? The thought of them being thrown away like a used tissue is just *chefs kiss*

Since Chris "modified" a shit ton of them with his stupid paintjobs, they really aren't worth anything, even to a place like the Salvation Army. If say, he's put away for five or ten years, I bet his family is just going to trash everything they can. His art too. After all, why even pay to put it in storage somewhere? And what's Chris going to do? Ten years, Barb's going to be long dead, and maybe even Harriet and Uncle Tom.

 

[Saint Agustin]

Let’s say Chris is convicted of a felony and put away and his house is foreclosed. What happens to all the belongings and especially his toys? Will they just be thrown out or auctioned off to recoup some of the costs? The thought of them being thrown away like a used tissue is just *chefs kiss*

It depends on the bank and if they deemed the toys worthy of something.

If the bank does it's homework and look up Chris Chan on the internet they would be sitting in a goldmine of trash that everyone on the planet will want to buy.

As a side note I would buy 14 BC Lane if I had the money to do it.

 

[Duke Nukem]

Let’s say Chris is convicted of a felony and put away and his house is foreclosed. What happens to all the belongings and especially his toys? Will they just be thrown out or auctioned off to recoup some of the costs? The thought of them being thrown away like a used tissue is just *chefs kiss*

Either way there will definitely be weirdos wanting their own little piece of Christory. If it doesn't go to auction it'll probably end up in a junkyard in Greene County or something.

Oh joy there will be an entire horde of TrashRaider91s digging up the local landfills in search of rare Sonichu treasures.

 

[mindlessobserver]

As fucked as Chris is, the thing that kills me is that they deemed him fit to stand trial. This ensures he will land in jail/prison when he absolutely needs to be in a forever home for the tarded.

The standard for fitness to face trial is very low. The only requirement is that the person charged is capable of understanding the charges placed against them. The mere fact that Chris is saying "no, I didn't rape Barb, we melded spirits", is enough to make him fit. He knows what Rape is, well enough to argue he didn't rape her. The fact his argument sucks is not enough.

 

[WelfareNiggerQueen]

Are you implying that Chris' trial will not play out like the series finale of Seinfeld?

There’s still more to cum

Either the courts agree with the looney troons and send him to girls prison or they prove that trans women are in fact mentally ill men in drag(yes I believe this retarded stuff to be argued). We’ll hear stories of Chris either being a dad to multiple women(he isn’t going to be doing the rape) or trying to an hero dealing with the fine individuals that found their way into a Virginia state penitentiary if he isn’t put into protective custody.

 

[Bixby Snyder]

Is Saul Goodman available?

CWC is going to need a miracle

 

[Gaymead]

Let’s say Chris is convicted of a felony and put away and his house is foreclosed. What happens to all the belongings and especially his toys? Will they just be thrown out or auctioned off to recoup some of the costs? The thought of them being thrown away like a used tissue is just *chefs kiss*

Someone here is going to pay big money for all of CWC’s toys in order to preserve them as is for posterity.

 

[thismanlies]

I can only imagine how that went down. That had to have been some Homer Simpson-level shit.

HEILBERG: Chris, everything has been worked out. If you plead guilty, the court will sentence you to time served and you can leave jail today.

CHRIS: Hm, yeah.

HEILBERG: All you have to do is say "guilty" when the judge asks you how you want to plead.

CHRIS: Okay.

HEILBERG: Chris, this is very serious. I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that you understand exactly what you need to do.

CHRIS: I understand.

JUDGE: Mr. Chandler, how do you pl--

CHRIS: That's Ms. Chandler! I am Jesus Christine Weston Chandler Sonichu, CPU Goddess Blue Heart! I did not do anything wrong and Magi-Chan told me this has all been a setup by Michael Snyder and those damn dirty trolls! Soul Bonding is NOT incest and I was HEALING Barbie! True love is ILLEGAL in Virginia!

HEILBERG: Fuck.

Baked Alaska: Watch me fuck up a plea deal in federal court.

Chris: Mmm, yeah. Hold my Fanta. I’ll show you how it’s done.

 

[3-2-1836]

So could some in the know kiwi explain to this humble eurofag how this Grand jury operates?

Will it be like a "traditional" trial where the defendant, lawyers judge, and jury are in in a courtroom discussing procedurally?

Or is it more of the prosecution speaking to the members of the jury for permission to charge Chris of a felony?

Additionally, will they be assessing only the objective merits of the case or will the they have to consider all the background bullshit that comes with Chris?

Basically in America a Grand Jury is just the Prosecutor presenting the basis of his case to a jury and asking them if they think he has enough grounds to proceed with a felony prosecution, it's honesty just a formality since 99% of the time they approve the indictment.

 

[whothefuck]

should we have a poll for the possible outcomes? for instance:

Not fit to stand trial
Misdemeanor (with time served)
Increased sentence
Found innocent
Walks free
THE MERGE CONCLUDES

 

[Buster Scruggs]

Let’s say Chris is convicted of a felony and put away and his house is foreclosed. What happens to all the belongings and especially his toys? Will they just be thrown out or auctioned off to recoup some of the costs? The thought of them being thrown away like a used tissue is just *chefs kiss*

Thrown out and if it's of any value (I doubt) it might be sold in an auction. That's what happens with old people's stuff who die with no will at least.

 

[w4vy_gr4vy]

Holy fuck, I was not expecting this. I thought he'd just get yet another continuation or be returned to some tard wrangling facility on account of being nuttier than squirrel shit I hope some ween manages to weasel their way into the court, this will be excellent entertainment

 

[Stinkyboy]

There's no way they're going to go through the trouble of finding and subpoenaing Null. Ragepig, why would they even bother, all he did was record the incident, he's not terribly important to this.


This is why i say they'll have to source hicks in order to get an impartial jury. There's no way most people aren't at least aware of this guy by now.

Didn’t @Null report Chris withdrawing money from Barb’s account, as well as being told by Chris about his “mystery woman”?
Depending on what Chris is charged with, both of these are pretty important.
The former shows his financial activities after he knew he was in trouble, and the latter would be evidence of a relationship during the time period in question with someone Chris didn’t immediately brag about.

Whether he can be successfully be served a subpoena is another story.

 

[whothefuck]

Let’s say Chris is convicted of a felony and put away and his house is foreclosed. What happens to all the belongings and especially his toys? Will they just be thrown out or auctioned off to recoup some of the costs? The thought of them being thrown away like a used tissue is just *chefs kiss*

prepare for a whole new generation of weens and wannabe christorical figures flooding into ruckersville to crawl thru trash to get at the discarded toys of an autistic felon- all the while null cries in anguish

 

[Ophelia]

I guess Chris really didn’t want Fatrick Hoglinson to win lolcow of the year. The audio of piggy squealing at police about grinding black children into pepperoni while handcuffed in the middle of the night was tough to beat, but my god if Chris hasn’t done it.

 

[Buster Scruggs]

Didn’t Null report Chris withdrawing money from Barb’s account, as well as being told by Chris about his “mystery woman”?
Depending on what Chris is charged with, both of these are pretty important.
The former shows his financial activities after he knew he was in trouble, and the latter would be evidence of a relationship during the time period in question with someone Chris didn’t immediately brag about.

Whether he can be successfully be served a subpoena is another story.

I would imagine he would've reported anonymously, so I really really doubt that he'd even be considered as a witness. Plus Chris basically admitted to transferring her money into his bank in the same texts. I doubt they would need him as any info they would really need from anybody is Chris's texts, which they undoubtably have combed through since they have his phone.

 

[CreamyHerman’s]

Is Saul Goodman available?

CWC is going to need a miracle

I don't think Saul can save this one