Patrick Sean Tomlinson / @stealthygeek / "Torque Wheeler" / @RealAutomanic / Kempesh / Padawan v2.5 - "Conservative" sci-fi author with TDS, armed "drunk with anger management issues" and terminated parental rights, actual tough guy, obese, paid Quasi, paid thousands to be repeatedly unbanned from Twitter

[Meriasek]

Jesus Fucking Christ!

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Jesus fucking Christ indeed.
That was pretty damn bad. Not Cuck Wendig levels of herkily-jerkily-all-present-tense-and-short-sentences bad, but still pretty damn awful prose.
I'm not a native speaker and I only wrote a single short story in English so far, but I do think my prose is still better than that.
For all his boisterous claims of researching all the little details of Victorian England, even the first word is wrong. It's "oi", not "oy". And "hearin' the commotion"? Wouldn't "racket" be a better choice of words here considering it's clearly an underclass bri'ish thug saying it? "Up them stairs" also feels off, more likean ebonics thing rather than pseudo-Cockney.
Just so many little things that are just... Off. It's awful. The poor editor that will be forced to wade through this mound of shite, I do not envy you. But then again, given that Pat has been working on this for ages and made little progress, there's a good chance it'll never be finished.

 

[TerminalTryHard]

Jesus fucking Christ indeed.
That was pretty damn bad. Not Cuck Wendig levels of herkily-jerkily-all-present-tense-and-short-sentences bad, but still pretty damn awful prose.
I'm not a native speaker and I only wrote a single short story in English so far, but I do think my prose is still better than that.
For all his boisterous claims of researching all the little details of Victorian England, even the first word is wrong. It's "oi", not "oy". And "hearin' the commotion"? Wouldn't "racket" be a better choice of words here considering it's clearly an underclass bri'ish thug saying it? "Up them stairs" also feels off, more likean ebonics thing rather than pseudo-Cockney.
Just so many little things that are just... Off. It's awful. The poor editor that will be forced to wade through this mound of shite, I do not envy you. But then again, given that Pat has been working on this for ages and made little progress, there's a good chance it'll never be finished.

Pretty optimistic to think this is getting anywhere near an editor.

 

[Meriasek]

Pretty optimistic to think this is getting anywhere near an editor.

Fair enough. You'd think Pat, as an accomplished author with half a dozen published books and a reputation as a political firebrand, would have an editor, but he's actually just a jobless bum that occasionally harasses publishers' sensibilities by sending them awful manuscripts they never asked for, innit.
They probably just stuff his manuscripts in the shredder/spam folder unopened/unread by this point. They know his books don't sell and will never make the investment back the editor has to put in to make them somewhat palatable.

 

[Chazzed Up]

If nothing else he seems to do a pretty decent job of writing in active voice, which I personally find makes for more engaging writing than sticking heavily to passive voice. Still, I steer away from writing that involves heavy use of phonetic accents, gives me a fucking headache to read, and bad writers rarely can do so either accurately or in a way that feels comfortable to read. Also the content just seems boring and disjointed...

 

[Thumb Butler]

He's writing erotica:
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"Breath that smelled of pork pie and cheap gin".

Oddly specifc there.

 

[Blewberry Nausea]

Patrick at his best is just a boring writer. Nothing amazing or egregiously wrong just boiler plate bland. This sample is not his best work.

 

[Anonymus Fluhre]

"Breath that smelled of pork pie and cheap gin".

Oddly specifc there.

Sounds to me like he's writing himself into the story. That's never a good sign.

 

[Associate Rick]

Pat went to school on the short bus, child.

It may have been short but it was very very wide.

Pretty optimistic to think this is getting anywhere near an editor.

Not even a dyslexic one.

 

[Spunt]

Jesus Fucking Christ!

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Dick van Dyke is no longer the least convincing American cockney.

 

[Ophelia]

If I open a book and see phonetic accents used this often, odds are I won’t make it through the first chapter.

I thought so too at first, since I struggled to believe that such abysmal stupidity could exist even in Rick's blobfish-like head. But then Tim fights a thug with his ridiculous sword-cane, which means that he's already adult, armed and skulking around "the London underworld" as imagined by piggy. So either he's already on his mission or the characters are mucked up so absurdly that it's just as bad as an accidental spoiler, if not worse.

Oh you’re right. In my defense, this shit is near incomprehensible.

He'll either have to eternally eat shit on that front, or change his position and eat another kind of shit. It's glorious.

“No, child, I never railed against paying for a checkmark. That’s your delusions again.”

Or, “I didn’t pay for a checkmark, atalker. Never have, never will. Here’s a beastiality meme.” Technicality Tomlinson shows up here because technically it’s his wife’s mother’s money that paid for it.

- I give it a B+ for effort,

That’s too high. This is a solid C, if that.

The poor editor that will be forced to wade through this mound of shite, I do not envy you.

I’d be willing to bet an editor would send it back to him with instructions to retool. Though I guess it depends on how much he’s willing to pay and what kind of editor it is. He might get something out of a serious writing workshop, except he thinks he’s already the best and doesn’t need to learn anything from anyone else.

The basic idea for the book has merit, and he’s not the worst writer out there. A mediocre writer can grow into a good writer if they’re humble enough to learn, kill their darlings, and admit when they’ve been doing something wrong. The absolute opposite of Pat.

 

[ShinyStar]

Jesus Fucking Christ!

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The concept of Ebenezer being a ghost is fine, the Christmas Carol had plenty of ghosts. Fatty should actually read the book to see how they should be properly used in a tribute book. And of course, he hasn't. The idea of the man who discovered the true meaning of Christmas (love for all mankind) leading the child who was the pure example of charitable character on a murder spree for vengeance is just sickening. Fat has no comprehension of virtue.

- "Unacknowledged " means seen, but ignored. Tim isn't unacknowledged in that chest, he's unseen or undiscovered. Fat's using the word wrong.

- "He sighed so heavily that the lid creaked under the weight of his exhaustion." Ordinarily, I would approve joining a heavy sigh with 'weight of his exhaustion,' but Fat is here saying that sigh was the thing causing dust to fall through cracks in the lid of a chest.

- Ebenezer is a ghost. The fact that Fat communicated that the ghost stuck his head through the side of the box so poorly that people don't realize that's what happened is sad.

- Vises don't twist things. He should us a verb that matches the similie he's employing.

 

[Cyberpunk Panatela]

Don't hesitate to tweet your opinion, Fatrick (we all know you read this thread).

 

[AnOminous]

He's writing erotica:
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Is this even written in English? I guess he flunked the remedial course.

 

[Glowie]

No, Pat "invested" $5,000 to get his twitter back stalker child baby suckling cherub

And he uses "This mf pays for Twitter" without sensing the palpable irony in his statement.

 

[twisted cycle path]

The idea of the man who discovered the true meaning of Christmas (love for all mankind) leading the child who was the pure example of charitable character on a murder spree for vengeance is just sickening. Fat has no comprehension of virtue.

Fatrick is one amongst legions of spiteful golems that pay lip service to ideals of compassion as an excuse to brutalize those deemed idealogically impure. His storytelling reflects this lack of humanity. He was born without the light of god and will be shielded by systems of law and goodwill intended for a better kind of man.

 

[Ophelia]

He should have just written a Christmas Carol remix set in space or something. Then he could have kept the wholesome themes and not dishonor the original. Chintzy but easy cashgrab.

 

[JustStopDude]

This all sounds like Patrick is confusing "A Christmas Carol" with Guy Richie's Sherlock Holmes movies.

The cane fighting scene. The god awful accent.

 

[Brutality]

Patrick S. Tomlinson and Niki Robinson currently owe Quasi:​

$38,239.31​

#PayQuasi 🐷

Please report the SFWA to the IRS for being a fake charity that uses all its donor money to enrich and fund the frivolous lawsuits of its own members.

payquasi.lol

No, Child. I do not owe Quasi $38,000. I have a GPA of 1.38 so if anyone would know if I owe money it would be me, stalker child.

 

[AprilRains]

Why is he so far behind on this story? Even if he concedes the loss of the opportunity to market a dead-trees version of it in time, an electronic version should have been available for purchase right after Thanksgiving. That he's dribbling out excerpts this week is a very bad sign.

It's not as if he came up with this idea in October and has been scrambling to finish it before Christmas. He's been babbling about it for many months.

Shamefur dispray.

 

[Chazzed Up]

The concept of Ebenezer being a ghost is fine, the Christmas Carol had plenty of ghosts. Fatty should actually read the book to see how they should be properly used in a tribute book. And of course, he hasn't. The idea of the man who discovered the true meaning of Christmas (love for all mankind) leading the child who was the pure example of charitable character on a murder spree for vengeance is just sickening. Fat has no comprehension of virtue.

I love retards who miss the point like that. Reminds me of Lorne Armstrong writing a book as a 'tribute' to war veterans while he was doing time for getting caught in a TCAP sting. His idea of a paying respect to the struggles of soldiers returning from war with PTSD was to make his protagonist a war veteran who develops psychosis and starts murdering people and placing American flags where he buries them. No moral, no redemption, his wife has to put him down, 'the end'. It takes a special kind of retard to do a tribute to someone/something and just completely malign them or their work.

Also what is that horrible spacing Patrick is using for that draft? I wouldn't even draft a work with eyesore single spacing like that, so unpleasant to read. A lot of people would pass on a fanfic written like that let alone a published work.