i'm gunna power level in the spoiler, so sorry for that in advance, but was hoping for advice.
My boyfriend of like 4 years brought up something last night while we talking. I'll paste the text directly
"I uh, still fantasize about being raepted, I'm a low-key masochist, I want to be tied up, the works
And like, I never want that to be abusive?
So like, abusive behaviour in terms of physical acts is attractive, not emotional abuse though"
This is a major red flag for me, which i think is reasonable. He's also said numerous times in our relationship that he's jealous that I was abused by my parents. I want to stay with him, but the mother fucker is flashing flags like he's directing air traffic.
People’s kinks are one thing, but “jealous [you were] abused”? That’s not ok.
Yeah, fr.
I had before and he'd stalked me.
Tf? Are you afraid to dump him? Girl, that’s not a red flag, it’s a freaking Red Sea.
If you are concerned about your literal safety, then GET OUT.
@FuckedOffToff is right: if you are physically concerned, reach out to organizations that help women. Do not make the mistake of thinking “oh, it’s not that bad, he hasn’t hit me and it’s really just that he’s immature and really he’s a great guy, but….”
I agree.
I'm considering it heavily. It sits in my mind pretty often. He's younger than me, and I hold out hope that his brain will unfuck in a couple years now that he's in late college, but idk if I can tolerate this for much longer.
STOP. You’re fucking yourself. Do not be complicit in your own harm.
The more you share about this relationship the worse it looks*. And I DONT MEAN DONT SHARE - I mean you in danger.
*I’m going to rip your thinking, but please understand I mean it in the best possible way:
Your mindset is bad, and the sooner you acknowledge it, get away, and recalibrate everything, the better.
No relationship is worth compromising yourself in this way.
Even if not in physical danger, your thought processes (to accept this state of being) are a mess.
Plus - he’s in college?? My friend, this is not a relationship worth saving.
Read this book:
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. Read it closely, and take notes. Also read Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
If I sound harsh, it’s because I know that this is a self-destructive path you’re on. Maybe not today or tomorrow - but not only is this relationship fucked, but your perspectives that are causing you to just wonder if this is okay or not will fuck your life.
Some years ago I was in a bad space. I started reading some “relationship dilemma” stuff on a board (not fucking Reddit). The advice there was harsh and stark. At the time, I took offense by proxy (I wasn’t posting my stuff, just reading about others’). Over time, the no-nonsense “wtf are you thinking” advice caused me to examine myself, my relationships, my perspective. I came to realize that despite my (internal) protests to the contrary, my own beliefs/perspectives were partly/largely causing my own grief. And that a root cause (one of a few) was internal. I did some intensive and open-minded introspection (including using the books noted above) and came to see things in a clearer light. I saw both the fucked-up-ness of my relationships/choices of partner and my own perspective/ orientation about relationships in general. I finally corrected and made the right choices to exit unhealthy situations.
Wish I’d learned/known more earlier in life and had the courage to get out or avoid abusive and toxic situations…and to fix myself so that I didn’t get into them/left them before they got destabilizingly bad, or even bad at all.
You don’t “need” this relationship. Find your pride and self-respect, and don’t live in a situation that has you concerned or fearful. Your gut is telling you this is not a good situation for you. Your description of the dynamic is showing objectively that this is not a good situation for you. Pay attention.