I know. I can’t change it. I sort of moved on but the dysphoria is still strong. But wait to hear the story…
We met a year and a half ago. Since day one we became friends, from work, and came closer and closer through time. She helped me through literally the worst both on Dysphoria ans PTSD. She’s been there every single time, without me even asking. Wife material, beautiful, amazing person. She is the only one I know that sees me as a man no matter what. So supportive of my transition. She’s just.. fantastic in all senses.
She once told me she found me handsome and that for being a trans man not even on hormones I was really looking so handsome. I took the compliment abs moved on. Later on she even researched about trans men to know more, to support. I didn’t even ask her for it.
Two months ago, while talking that I felt shy and insecure about my looks as a man she started repeating while blushing “believe me, you are really handsome and I mean it” “and really you have nothing to worry about of your looks and you are let’s say, a very well succeeded man, yea you are so well put together” (the language translation doesn’t do justice here). By then she was blushing red and I was giggling too. We kept blushing and exchanging some compliments, and then we moved on topic, with her inviting me to go out.
So I thought she confessed that she liked me. A few days later literally, I needed space and told her that, she replied with an audio of two minutes long crying that she didn’t want it to be over, that she wanted to know what did she do wrong, etc.
Long story short, we shortly talked about it and it was an awkward tension moment, but she didn’t say it, just an always silent moment and her requesting to let it go like if nothing happened. Days after I asked her I needed to talk with her, she said it’s better in person. In person I show up and she’s there flirty asking “what did you want to ask me?” After talking on other things she asks again what were my questions and I said I needed to go.
The only red flag is that she seemed to be seeking guys attention. That pissed me off and ended into taking distance from her feeling hurt. She’s hurt too, and have seen her and she looked destroyed from it.
Fast forward to today, I confessed her, thinking it was reciprocated. She said “you understood my goodness for love which it wasn’t/isn’t”
I don’t understand anything. I really thought she was into me. I can tell a million moments like when she repeated abs contemplated the moment we first met and how lucky we were, that she was never going to leave me, the every attention she had on me, etc. The emotional connection she had with me, etc.
And I of course feel Dysphoric af. I don’t feel good enough, a woman body. I can’t change it. I am not cis. I don’t have a pepe. I’m trans. And the list goes on. It’s driving me a little crazy. I’m jealous of men today. I’m jealous of all cis men, of being born with that dorito muscle facilitating body and a Pepe. Of being able to give children to a woman. Of being… cis. I’m ashamed and I feel dirty being trans.
Opinions and advice on this story? Thank you its appreciated
did I really read her wrong?
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