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- Apr 28, 2018
Artcow Frank Breaker / Monostar Leatherknuckles / Frankman64 / Glitchyboy64 / Dr.V / VictorRay67 / Frankie Ferox / Kazuki Oyama - Black Chris Chan? Diehard Weeaboo. Danganronpasperg. OPsec Disaster. Aspiring Mangaka. True & Honest Creator of ЯED MIST. Vore Fetishist. Gachatuber. Questionable Business Practices. Lied About Being an Adult.
- Thread starter Admiral Throbnelius
- Start date
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2022
This is literally the editor story I had in mind when making that post about Shonen editors. If he wants to retain complete creative control, self publishing as a webcomic is the far better option.
Also, it's quite ironic that this is the example used when the Discord I messaged him with was called Dr. Gero.
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- Joined
- Aug 7, 2021
Easiest way to explain this would be a line or two about how they were supposed to host a girl but something got mixed up.
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2022
For anyone in the thread who's remotely interested in Red Mist, I highly recommend you to actually go and watch Train to Busan. Go watch it on (very legal) streaming sites, you'll find that it's a remarkably competent/campy story with a great ending. It's actually hilarious how fucking far Red Mist misses the mark in all aspects of writing compared to its inspiration.
Themes of Train to Busan:
-Class struggle: The setting of the train is used as a physical manifestation of classism. The vulnerable lower class is shut out in separate carriages by a higher class closer to the steering wheel. Snowpiercer, which was directed by the Korean who made Parasite did the same thing. Zombies and their presence represent the cutthroat nature of a Korean capitalist society, where everyone is in fierce competition and having one bad test for a kid is enough to ruin your life (or in this case one bad bite). The zombies embody inhuman individualism pooled together into a collectivist nightmare.
-Masculinity: Despite (or because) it being set in a patriarchal society all the main male characters die protecting women who symbolize innocence and the future. The movie is pretty unabashed about men being the foundation of society, they are only ones capable of holding off the undead hordes. But the men in question aren't macho men. They ugly cry, they make bad jokes and they're a little goofy. Love is an integral part of their manliness. The willingness to face death for the sake of love is portrayed as the pinnacle of a man's existence.
Themes of Red Mist:
-I have no fucking clue what the themes of Red Mist are.
-The zombies are... Like they kill people I guess so the main character can kill them?
Anyway go watch Train to Busan, you too can become inspired to get yellow puss.
Themes of Train to Busan:
-Class struggle: The setting of the train is used as a physical manifestation of classism. The vulnerable lower class is shut out in separate carriages by a higher class closer to the steering wheel. Snowpiercer, which was directed by the Korean who made Parasite did the same thing. Zombies and their presence represent the cutthroat nature of a Korean capitalist society, where everyone is in fierce competition and having one bad test for a kid is enough to ruin your life (or in this case one bad bite). The zombies embody inhuman individualism pooled together into a collectivist nightmare.
-Masculinity: Despite (or because) it being set in a patriarchal society all the main male characters die protecting women who symbolize innocence and the future. The movie is pretty unabashed about men being the foundation of society, they are only ones capable of holding off the undead hordes. But the men in question aren't macho men. They ugly cry, they make bad jokes and they're a little goofy. Love is an integral part of their manliness. The willingness to face death for the sake of love is portrayed as the pinnacle of a man's existence.
Themes of Red Mist:
-I have no fucking clue what the themes of Red Mist are.
-The zombies are... Like they kill people I guess so the main character can kill them?
Anyway go watch Train to Busan, you too can become inspired to get yellow puss.
Mr.Miyagi
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2022
The zombies are a deep symbolic allegory for that time the author played Left 4 Dead and thought it was really cool.
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2018
If I was to come up for an motif and themes for Red Mist if I rewrote it would be to have the motif as connections between people and overcoming prejudice.
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2021
To be totally fair, good zombie apocalypse stories are pretty kickass. Emphasis on the word "good." I don't think every story necessarily needs some deeper meaning to it but if you aspire to the heights OP is reaching for (especially with his limitations) then you're going to have to give your story some kind of message beyond the surface level and he clearly fails to do that.
While I've been very active in this thread, I've mostly refrained from giving real input on the story itself and instead focused on giving general advice to OP himself (mostly about being on this site.) I already mentioned that I don't read manga, so I won't preach about good plot or storytelling tips. I don't want to talk out of my ass at the guy, for what it's worth. I was just hoping, optimistically, that he'd take my advice about leaving this site before he caused too much of a scene... and about not wearing cosplay to school. I mean, seriously, that's the biggest offense in this thread. I wonder if he wears that shit every day. Maybe if it was a Halloween party I could've given him a pass, but it seems like everyone else was dressed normally for a regular day. Not our Monostar, though! He's got balls of steel, I'll give him that.
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2022
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2021
We can use this as the teaser
- Joined
- Jul 7, 2022
I wrote the first chapter for that lazy nigger @Monostar Leatherknuckles. Let me know what you think.
I'm open to tips and suggestions. I plan on debutting Hye's fighter jet "Neptune" later on, as well as the African child-hackers that he taught javascript to.
Flight 7291 to Incheon. Boarding it was no difficulty for San Hye. He had no fear of the open air. Many missions he flew over Kharkiv and Donbass. Soaring across the blue void, with turbulence as his only friend. As gunfire reigned beneath him, he was his own master in the sky. Flying higher than any bird. The skies were his home. Leaving the plane was when his problems began.
Hye did not feel at home in Korea. The last time he was in the country was when he was a child. His memories of his hometown on had grown hazy, and he was now a stranger in his own land. Korea, too, had changed in his absence. The cities were bigger than he remembered. More modern. More sterile. Hye walked past the airport terminals until he reached the high-speed rail station. His hair riding the drafts as trains shot out the tunnels with soulless effienciency. The doors opened for Hye and he boarded with a scowl. He hated trains. He hated feeling like a termite in a box. But he knew he had to bear it until he got to Busan: his lost home.
Hye took his seat upon the peeling upholstery. His spine still ached from the flight. The ride to Seoul was unpleasant and unremarkable. There, he would board a bus to Busan, and he'd be out of the city for good. Hye tried distracting himself by staring out the window, but the urban hellscape of Incheon glared back him. It was no Vorokhta. Hye couldn't help but feel homesick. The loud blaring of the train's PA signalled the end of the line, and Hye gratefully shuffled out the train doors.
Hye took a deep breath as the coastal breeze slammed against his face. His exhaustion made his eyelids feel like lead. As he took a cursory look around the station, he noticed a crowd was already starting to build up near the entrance. Hye lamented that this would mean returning to the urban hive. His rest and solitude would wait until he got on the bus. Hye wondered if he would still recognize Busan. His old neighborhood likely remodelled with ugly condominiums. Neighbors from his childhood replaced by the cosmopolitan underclass that now considered the city their home. Hye joined the torrent of people, barely able to keep his neck up and his eyes open. He felt a tap on his shoulder and he instinctively turned around. It was a foreigner. Black American; average height. Nothing remarkable except the eerily-eager smile on his face.
"No way!" The foreigner exclaimed in broken Korean as he pointed to the patch on Hye's knapsack. "You're a soldier?" Hye stared at his Petro Franko Brigade badge, and then back at the eager foreigner.
"Pilot," Hye muttered back in English with a weary disinterest.
"No, no, no, no," the foreigner protested as he waved his hands in front of his chest, "speak Korean, bro I can handle it." Hye stared at the foreigner with amusement.
"You a polyglot?" Hye asked, a smirk forming on his tired face. The foreigner extended an open hand to shake Hye's. The weary traveller nearly recoiled at the pungent stentch.
"My name is Eliot, big brother," the foreigner began, "I am 19 years old, and I am an exchange student from California. I am excited to visit Korea and learn about Korean culture! Please direct me toward the nearest bathroom!" Hye could barely surpress a chuckle as he listened to Eliot's attempt at Korean.
"Nice to meet you, Eliot," Hye responded, "Enjoy Korea."
"Thank you, big brother! I will enjoy prison!" Eliot beemed back. This time, Hye couldn't hold back, and let a hearty snort escape his nostrils.
"What's so funny, big brother?" Eliot demanded, his tone showing signs of a bruised ego.
"Oh... nothing," Hye replied, "laughing is how we 'big brothers' show approval". Eliot's expression immediately brightened as he seemingly bought the lie. Hye wondered what else he could get away with. "My name's San Hye, by the way. I’m an important thinker, creator, innovator, artist, idea. But above all else, I’m a passionate childlike innovator."
Hye did not feel at home in Korea. The last time he was in the country was when he was a child. His memories of his hometown on had grown hazy, and he was now a stranger in his own land. Korea, too, had changed in his absence. The cities were bigger than he remembered. More modern. More sterile. Hye walked past the airport terminals until he reached the high-speed rail station. His hair riding the drafts as trains shot out the tunnels with soulless effienciency. The doors opened for Hye and he boarded with a scowl. He hated trains. He hated feeling like a termite in a box. But he knew he had to bear it until he got to Busan: his lost home.
Hye took his seat upon the peeling upholstery. His spine still ached from the flight. The ride to Seoul was unpleasant and unremarkable. There, he would board a bus to Busan, and he'd be out of the city for good. Hye tried distracting himself by staring out the window, but the urban hellscape of Incheon glared back him. It was no Vorokhta. Hye couldn't help but feel homesick. The loud blaring of the train's PA signalled the end of the line, and Hye gratefully shuffled out the train doors.
Hye took a deep breath as the coastal breeze slammed against his face. His exhaustion made his eyelids feel like lead. As he took a cursory look around the station, he noticed a crowd was already starting to build up near the entrance. Hye lamented that this would mean returning to the urban hive. His rest and solitude would wait until he got on the bus. Hye wondered if he would still recognize Busan. His old neighborhood likely remodelled with ugly condominiums. Neighbors from his childhood replaced by the cosmopolitan underclass that now considered the city their home. Hye joined the torrent of people, barely able to keep his neck up and his eyes open. He felt a tap on his shoulder and he instinctively turned around. It was a foreigner. Black American; average height. Nothing remarkable except the eerily-eager smile on his face.
"No way!" The foreigner exclaimed in broken Korean as he pointed to the patch on Hye's knapsack. "You're a soldier?" Hye stared at his Petro Franko Brigade badge, and then back at the eager foreigner.
"Pilot," Hye muttered back in English with a weary disinterest.
"No, no, no, no," the foreigner protested as he waved his hands in front of his chest, "speak Korean, bro I can handle it." Hye stared at the foreigner with amusement.
"You a polyglot?" Hye asked, a smirk forming on his tired face. The foreigner extended an open hand to shake Hye's. The weary traveller nearly recoiled at the pungent stentch.
"My name is Eliot, big brother," the foreigner began, "I am 19 years old, and I am an exchange student from California. I am excited to visit Korea and learn about Korean culture! Please direct me toward the nearest bathroom!" Hye could barely surpress a chuckle as he listened to Eliot's attempt at Korean.
"Nice to meet you, Eliot," Hye responded, "Enjoy Korea."
"Thank you, big brother! I will enjoy prison!" Eliot beemed back. This time, Hye couldn't hold back, and let a hearty snort escape his nostrils.
"What's so funny, big brother?" Eliot demanded, his tone showing signs of a bruised ego.
"Oh... nothing," Hye replied, "laughing is how we 'big brothers' show approval". Eliot's expression immediately brightened as he seemingly bought the lie. Hye wondered what else he could get away with. "My name's San Hye, by the way. I’m an important thinker, creator, innovator, artist, idea. But above all else, I’m a passionate childlike innovator."
I'm open to tips and suggestions. I plan on debutting Hye's fighter jet "Neptune" later on, as well as the African child-hackers that he taught javascript to.
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2022
I've said it once but I'll say it again, I think @Monostar Leatherknuckles got mad because we disrespected his waifu. He seemed to think showing the commission render of Ara's design should shut up the haters. I can't think of any other reason why he would reveal that moments before quitting.
Monostar, the more I try to wrap my head around your manga concept, the harder I find it to do a rewrite that stays faithful to what you've already made. Even when I add and edit elements, at the end of the day the story goes on for 70 pages with no clear indication of where things are going. I am almost forces to disregard a good deal of things written in order to make this marketable. If I do a rewrite, it would end up as an original work with all the changes I'd have to make. Sadly, I personally am not interested in zombie stories in Korea.
A key to story structure, especially serialized stories that need to hook readers is to control the pacing via causality. The events and character motivations need to be reactionary. Much of Red Mist follows a "and this happens and this happens . . ." Events need to follow a " because this happened, this character had to . . ." The creators of South Park explain this perfectly.
Sometimes you have to front load your story with an attention getter. The old cliche of stories starting with a tense moment to only go back to days before that event is a product of television in the glory days of three channels and where rating were king. Things need to happen within the first 3 to 6 pages. This is shonen, so it should be something teenage boys would care about.
Here's an exercise to help you think attention grabber and to sum up your story. Write an explanation of Red Mist for the purpose of getting someone to want to read it. Explain anything that would make someone interested in it: a scene, characters, tone, power gimmicks, etc. Do not just chronologically tell the story. Do this in 350 words or less.
Here's an exercise to help you think attention grabber and to sum up your story. Write an explanation of Red Mist for the purpose of getting someone to want to read it. Explain anything that would make someone interested in it: a scene, characters, tone, power gimmicks, etc. Do not just chronologically tell the story. Do this in 350 words or less.
You should try to make a 35-50 page one shot manga that would be ready to be entered into a contest. I know you are in love with your vision but how you sell your vision might mean having to compromise details temporarily. An one shot needed to be self-contained, there needs to be a clear beginning, middle and end. There should a moment of closure even if you have a grand epic story,
never write "to be continues." This will cause judges to dismiss you completely. The audience needs to feel a completeness after reading your work.
This last part is 1 part teasing but 2 parts serious, you should do an one shot comic starring your Monostar persona trying to create his waifu Ara. I am more interested in you than your zombie story.
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2019
I'm a bit late to the party here, but I just now started looking through the PDF and I wanted to post my criticisms here, because I thought it would be fun and just on the off chance that Frank is still lurking here. Please keep in mind that I'm just one retard and I have no interest in writing comics or screenplays, but I think it might be worth a try. I only have time for panels 1-15, but I might do more later.
Panel 1: Somewhat vague. Doesn't give an artist much to work with or really do much to hook a reader.
Panel 2: Not really a flight attendant would say in this situation and it doesn't service the plot. You could use it to establish the setting of the story, but it would be better to show the reader the setting in the previous panel than tell them in this panel. I would just cut this out. Also it's vague and doesn't give the artist much instruction.
Panel 3: What does the journal look like? Is he still seated? I would assume so, but I guess that's something that the artist would have to figure out.
Panel 4: Woah, wait a minute. You're using the rectangular boxes for dialogue? I think that might confuse the reader. Just use normal speech bubbles. Also why is Elliot carrying his suitcase if it has wheels? Elliot's narration could be better. It doesn't really tell us much about him other than where he is (which we should already know) and where he's from.
Panel 5: I would rewrite the first sentence and remove any references to North Korea. If your character has never been to North Korea, why should he care about comparing South Korea to North Korea? Maybe he should talk about the differences between South Korea and Minnesota, because that's what he knows. He could also talk about what brought him to South Korea in the first place. The second sentence is also very clunky and it's going in two separate directions. I would write one sentence that expresses his excitement towards meeting the family and another sentence that expresses his fear of not being accepted.
Panel 6: This is written awkwardly. I would re-write it. Maybe say "I knew I was welcome, but... that didn't make it home."
Panel 7: I know you're trying to foreshadow that something bad is going to happen to Elliot, but this narration is just so edgy and cringe. I would just delete all of it.
Panel 9: What does the entrance look like? You could use this panel as an opportunity to characterize the Bai family. You don't have to do it, but it could help you. For instance, you can already get an idea about a person if they have a doormat that says "Come back with a warrant" vs. a person with a doormat that says "Welcome". Also he isn't greeted by the family in this panel. I would cut that last part out.
Panel 10-14: How is Bai Nai opening the door? What is her expression and body language saying? Does she crack it open while the dead bolt is still deployed so that she can peek outside or does she open it fully? Also why is Elliot traveling alone in a foreign city to this families house? Shouldn't he either be dropped off there by whatever organization he's with or be picked up by the family at the airport? As for the dialogue itself, it's pretty awkward and it doesn't sound like something a real person would say in this situation.
Panel 15: Is this panel really necessary? Can an artist depict the act of someone taking of their shoes and putting them in a little cubby in just one panel? Also where is the bit about shoes in Asian culture supposed to go? If you want to put that in the gutter as an explanation than that's fine, but I don't think it is necessary, it's worded rather awkwardly, it's too long. Maybe say "In Korean culture, It's considered rude to wear shoes indoors."
Panel 2: Not really a flight attendant would say in this situation and it doesn't service the plot. You could use it to establish the setting of the story, but it would be better to show the reader the setting in the previous panel than tell them in this panel. I would just cut this out. Also it's vague and doesn't give the artist much instruction.
Panel 3: What does the journal look like? Is he still seated? I would assume so, but I guess that's something that the artist would have to figure out.
Panel 4: Woah, wait a minute. You're using the rectangular boxes for dialogue? I think that might confuse the reader. Just use normal speech bubbles. Also why is Elliot carrying his suitcase if it has wheels? Elliot's narration could be better. It doesn't really tell us much about him other than where he is (which we should already know) and where he's from.
Panel 5: I would rewrite the first sentence and remove any references to North Korea. If your character has never been to North Korea, why should he care about comparing South Korea to North Korea? Maybe he should talk about the differences between South Korea and Minnesota, because that's what he knows. He could also talk about what brought him to South Korea in the first place. The second sentence is also very clunky and it's going in two separate directions. I would write one sentence that expresses his excitement towards meeting the family and another sentence that expresses his fear of not being accepted.
Panel 6: This is written awkwardly. I would re-write it. Maybe say "I knew I was welcome, but... that didn't make it home."
Panel 7: I know you're trying to foreshadow that something bad is going to happen to Elliot, but this narration is just so edgy and cringe. I would just delete all of it.
Panel 9: What does the entrance look like? You could use this panel as an opportunity to characterize the Bai family. You don't have to do it, but it could help you. For instance, you can already get an idea about a person if they have a doormat that says "Come back with a warrant" vs. a person with a doormat that says "Welcome". Also he isn't greeted by the family in this panel. I would cut that last part out.
Panel 10-14: How is Bai Nai opening the door? What is her expression and body language saying? Does she crack it open while the dead bolt is still deployed so that she can peek outside or does she open it fully? Also why is Elliot traveling alone in a foreign city to this families house? Shouldn't he either be dropped off there by whatever organization he's with or be picked up by the family at the airport? As for the dialogue itself, it's pretty awkward and it doesn't sound like something a real person would say in this situation.
Panel 15: Is this panel really necessary? Can an artist depict the act of someone taking of their shoes and putting them in a little cubby in just one panel? Also where is the bit about shoes in Asian culture supposed to go? If you want to put that in the gutter as an explanation than that's fine, but I don't think it is necessary, it's worded rather awkwardly, it's too long. Maybe say "In Korean culture, It's considered rude to wear shoes indoors."
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2021
I think it's because I drew his OC getting bummed by zombies. its obviously a self insert Mary Sue so he took it as a slight against him personally.
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- Jul 8, 2022
You might be right. It's definitely the reason he came back. I am still trying to understand our boy, mainly because he is so oddly unique from the norm. I am wondering if raging about your butt pumping art is the main reason or if it was an easy vector of attack. Not to still your thunder. Just trying to unlock his thinking process. He seems to cherry pick the conversation, mostly defending himself and attacking versus engaging with the constructive criticism.
He seemed willing to fight tooth and nail about Elliot's virtue. Ara seemed harder for him to defend. Maybe I'm reading too much in to it.
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2021
I think I know what it is
@Monostar Leatherknuckles you a pussy ass bitch! you too chickenshit nigga! you hiding in yo crib cos you not a real nigga! We setting fire on yo ass and you too much of a punk ass bitch to say nutin bowt dat?!
we making dolla off you idea nigga you gonna allow dat?
muthafuckin chink lovin uncle Tom muthufucka. you gay!
I see you in the hood Imma bowt to smoke yo ass! you a pussy and all our people know you a pussy!
We all bout to make bank and get bitches off dis shitty idea off of yous. Your idea is going towards bitches and crack!
if you was a real man you'd come back and debate but yous too much of a pussy ass bitch! you think them niggas in chinatown will accept your gay black ass?! hell naaaww!!
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- Jul 8, 2022
He's got a point, Frank. If you are lurking, which I believe you are, you have to admit that you never really went after Cloaca Rimjob specifically.
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- Mar 14, 2021
nigga too much of a pussy to reply here
you a bitch like you momma
yo college photos nigga I fuck half dem bitches
god damn egg roll eating uncle tom
Celestia Ludenberg ain't gonna eat yo ass nigga yo fo real?!
I've met white people that was bigger niggas than you, dangan-somegayshit-loving muthafucka
you ain't a real nigga you just a pussy ass oreo muthafucka
@Monostar Leatherknuckles
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- Jul 8, 2022
He's eating you alive, Monostar.
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- Jul 11, 2022
@Cloaca Rimjob's artwork is what really upset you, to the point where it was the only thing you were addressing in the thread, but despite this, for some reason you felt the need to specifically call out me and Dear Sneeder in your final post rather than Cloaca Rimjob.
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2022