This was actually written last year but it ended up saved in my draft folder. I found it while clearing my cache.
TLDR - born a boy, puberty brought on boy body, girl feelings; played around with a boy - didn’t help the feelings; grew up thought it was a phase; got married, had kids; got older feelings unchanged; got injured, depressed, 10 years no sex; brother now sister; what about me, it isn’t fair; I took titty skittles - loved the effect; I want to be a woman; closest therapist 6 hours away; questions, questions and more questions; wife anti- trans - afraid to come out.
This was originally going to be a response to ask transgender, but it got kind of long.
I am a 52 AMAB who is pre everything, maybe…anyway here is my story.
I was 13. I was in the beginning of puberty, but was still a scrawny little boy. I had started noticing changes in the girls at school and in my youth group at church. I didn’t have any sisters to see the changes happening gradually to, so it was very much in my face, like “what happened? One moment they were just one of the guys, and the next they were so different”. The thing was as a pubescent boy I liked the changes, the feelings they aroused in me were both exhilarating (sexually) and jealousy that they looked so good.
As a kid growing up in the 80s the word transgender was totally unknown to me and the internet was not even dreamed of yet. I know it sounds creepy, but I used to watch the girls, how they looked, how they dressed, putting on makeup, doing their hair. I was fascinated by it. Of course I was also liking the short skirts and tight tops for another reason, but the interesting thing, that I didn’t realise fully at the time was, that even when I thought about the girls sexually, I imagined that I was the girl, not that I was with her. I had not seen porn at that stage in my life (that happened later in that year courtesy of a classmate who lived across the road from me), so I didn’t really know what girls looked like under their clothes, nor did I know what was involved in sex beyond sex education classes.
As I became more jealous of the girls I started to explore my mothers dresses and underwear drawer. I even tried lipstick a few times. My parents were not open to this behaviour. Most of the time I got away with it, but I did get caught by my mother once and boy did she let me have it. The clothes got me very excited, but the lipstick made me feel just right. I loved the feeling of bright red lips (I still do), but I always had to scrub it off before my mother got home. I even put on nail polish a few times. I loved (still do actually) painting my toenails because I would look down and feel so feminine, plus I could hide my feet in socks and shoes. This stopped when I started to run track and later cross country and was changing socks and shoes in the boys locker room (Not a place to be exploring your femininity, let me tell you). When I was dressed up and when I thought of myself, I referred to myself as “Lisa”, I still do to be honest.
In those first few years, I also had a best friend whom I explored my sexuality with (we didn’t understand that we were actually doing that at the time). In those times that I stayed over at his house we often had the run of the place. His parents were divorced, his mother worked, he had an older and a younger sister that pretty much left him alone as long as he did the same to them. I would dress up in his younger sisters clothes (they were the closest in size to me) and we would make out, we would then rub against each other until climax. Looking back I wish that I knew then, what I know now, and that we had actually had sex. I know that even then he would have been the “man” and I would have been the “woman” because that is how I felt at the time and often still do. Unfortunately, he moved away a year later, and while we still saw each other on occasion, it was not the same.
After my friend moved, I pretty much had no friends. I was a weird, awkward nerd. At the time I didn’t know that I was autistic, nor did I know that the weird noises and movements I made were Tourette’s. People didn’t want to be around me and unfortunately, I didn’t know how to relate to the people around me. I related better to people who were older than me. I really wanted a girlfriend at the time but no girl would have me. I didn’t start my growth spurt until I was halfway through my sophomore year of high school, by then I was crossdressing in my mothers clothes, on a daily basis. On days when I didn’t have gym I would sometimes wear pantyhose to school under my jeans. By this point I was looking at porn magazines that I had hidden in my room regularly and would masturbate while imagining myself as a woman.
What I did not know at the time, was that my older brother (who unlike me was sexually active with girls) was also questioning his gender identity. I was a typical younger brother and snooped in his room and found lingerie, mini skirts and tight womens tops. I also found photos of girls from school modelling this clothes amongst his possessions. Obviously, it never occurred t me that he himself was wearing those clothes. However, fast forward to when I left home and joined the navy, and he comes out as transgender. By that point in my life I had told myself that my actions as a teenager was just a phase and that I had to “man up” and act more masculine. It helped that with my growth spurt, combined with years of running track and cross country, and the rigours of boot camp, I was now 6’1” broad chested, strong young man (still autistic and awkward socially) but knew who I was and wasn’t about to let a childish fantasy destroy my sense of self.
My sibling (I was not prepared to call her my sister at the time) had cut herself off from family, much to my parents distress. Admittedly, showing up in womenswear at my parents house and declaring to them that this is who she is and that she doesn’t consider them her parents, was probably not the best way to come out, but that is between her and them. I eventually tracked her down and made her make contact with them and repair the relationship. She has lived as a woman for 32 years and was able to have bottom surgery in 2021. But that Is her story, not mine. Unfortunately, we don’t talk, partially because I live in Australia and she is in the USA, but also because we have never gotten along. She was one of many to bully me as a child.
After that it became more imperative to “be the man”, to get married and pass on the family name. For years I was happy to do this. Yes I still have gender dysphoria, and yes over the years (in secret) I would cross dress when there was no chance of getting caught. About 10 years ago I started to get depressed. I had injured my back at work and developed some erectile dysfunction as a result of the pain I was in. I had surgery and was able to get back to work ok, but than it happened again. This time the ED was much worse. I couldn’t get it up without a lot of stimulation, and then only for a few minutes. I was given the little blue pill, but my wife hated it (I could last a long time but not climax). Also she started to go through the change and fully lost her libido. Every time I approached her, I was rebuffed, until I finally stopped trying. Eventually, the dysphoria started to rear its ugly head again. I hated how I looked. My daughter used a gender changing filter on me one night and it was like I was looking at my mother or one of my aunts. I was enthralled. All of a sudden when I imagined myself as a woman I could actually picture how I would look. Whenever I play video games I always made female characters.
I started looking for ways to express my feminine side. I started secretly wearing womens panties under my normal boxers. Thankfully, I have brittle fingernails, so I had a reason to start painting my nails with a strengthening polish, I started to experiment with different polishes on my toes (currently my toes are alternating pink and fire engine red), I am not very good with them as I have a bad tremor, but it feels nice to experiment. I even bought a nice red lipstick. I love stockings and I bought a nice floral print dress that I will secretly dress in, when my wife is not around.
I had been shaving my body hair for a while due to some form of contact dermatitis under the hair.I recently, started laser therapy to get rid of all of the hair from the neck down (I still have a beard, or did up until a few months ago) and am considering the face as well at a later date.
So what led to this sudden epiphany, you may ask? I don’t fully know. The feeling has been there since I was 13 (am now 52). Approximately a month ago I did something kind of stupid and started dosing myself with my wife’s estradiol pessaries (she wasn’t using them). For me the estrogen was “like a lightbulb moment”, it just felt right. It wasn’t sexual, although there was an excitement to it. So I did it again the next day, and then the day after that and so on for a full fortnight. Emotionally I was a mess. All of a sudden, I just wanted to present as a woman, to have female features and wanted the influence of the estrogen. I ended up coming out to my oldest daughter. I spoke to my GP, but have yet to speak to a counselor (I live in country New South Wales), so would likely have to travel for this. I told myself I would stop, but I found myself continuing to dose myself. This will end soon as I only have 4 doses left with no repeats on the script.
Unfortunately, my wife is very anti-trans (not transphobic, as that implies fear), but of the belief that it is a sin. I am honestly not sure where I sit on this fence, as this was also me up until the last few years. I can’t and don’t want to imagine not having my wife in my life (we have been married for 27 years) and she has helped me to shape into the person I am today. I like being a dad, I like being her husband and she,is my best friend. Unfortunately, I know that if I came out to her as trans it would spell the end of my marriage. As well as the rest of my life as I know it.
I guess I am after a bit of advice. I know that coming out as trans would have far reaching consequences in both my personal, family and wider social life. Am I trans? Or am I just fetishising this whole experience? I will be honest I love how the estrogen makes me feel and part of me wants to continue on HRT and feminise myself, but I also know am also afraid of the consequences of that decision. Where do I go from here and how should I proceed? I know I need to find a counsellor, however, there is none close by.