- Joined
- Jan 29, 2022
An Enby TiF I posted about on the Troon Dungeons thread has a great L post on how she's upset that her autistic MTF "girlfriend" had bottom surgery.
Link | Archive



Link | Archive



*Triggering*
Edit: I want to say thank you to everyone that commented
This community is incredibly welcoming and your kind and understanding comments mean the world to me. Just having people say "We see you; and we see your struggles and it sounds really fucking hard. And you're not alone and there's others who feel like you".
That is such a kind thing to do for someone.
I'm also really thankful for everyone that commented more negative comments. They were all really respectful and coming from a kind place and I really really apreciate that.
I had a really important talk with my gf this evening and it went really well. We've had one of the nicest evenings we've had in a while and I feel so much calmer and better about the situation right now
Thank you so much everyone!
My girlfriend (mtf, 21) and I (nb, 22) have has such a hard time since her bottom surgery.
We met when she was a year on hrt and our love story felt like a movie. I had never been in love before and the feelings hit me like a goddamn truck. It became obvious just a few weeks in that i had borderline personality disorder just because of how emotionally strongly i reacted to our relationship.
I've been trying to get therapy for 2 years now but the German health care system is completely overwhelmed ever since covid and it's been a huge fight to get help. It'll probably be another few months til I can finally get real therapy.
About 9 months into our relationship I had the realization that I didn't want her to have bottom surgery. I really wanted everything to stay the way it was, as i was happy for the first time like...ever? I wish I would've told her then but i felt like such an asshole for thinking that and hoped it would just go away.
When the call came that she would have surgery soon it felt like the start of a long nightmare for me. She was so happy, everyone was so excited for her, and she didn't even think about the possibility that it would be hard for me or that i might not want this. Obviously not! She did this for herself and I'm supposed to be a supportive partner that loves her no matter what.
I tried really hard to bury the feelings but as the date came closer i completely deteriorated. We tried talking but I had missed my window to just straight up say "i don't want this, thats why im freaking out so much." I tried to communicate my feelings to her as best i could but ended up hurting her and saying the wrong things because obviously she wants me to be on board!! She wants me to love her as she is and she wants me to love the person she is becoming.
I feel like such a horrible person for having these thoughts and feelings. I thought id love her no matter what! I took huge pride in being a really educated partner when it came to trans issues. I had friends who had horrible experiences while dating and i felt so good about myself for not being one of those horrible experiences. Now i HAVE become one of those horrible experiences.
I've tried to get to the bottom of why I'm having such a had time with this and this is what i've come up with so far:
Right after her surgery I was hospitalized by the nurses that cared for her because i was so unstable and that led to the worst psych ward experience i've had so far. Obviously that didn't help.
We've talked a lot since then and figured out a lot of stuff. I realized I was trying to make her conform to my idea of what kind of woman she was supposed to be and that my own dysphoria was a huge part of this all. But i still miss her dick.
Her vagina and I are just not becoming friends.
It's been over half a year and we tried having sex a few times and some were okay...but except for 2 times they always ended in tears because something happened, i said something wrong and/or did something wrong that made her feel really horrible which no WONDER with all the horrible feelings and thoughts insinde of me.
I feel SO alone. I feel SO fucked up. I feel SO evil. I don't know what to do.
I think i just really want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay and that what i feel is somehow normal.
Edit: I want to say thank you to everyone that commented
That is such a kind thing to do for someone.
I'm also really thankful for everyone that commented more negative comments. They were all really respectful and coming from a kind place and I really really apreciate that.
I had a really important talk with my gf this evening and it went really well. We've had one of the nicest evenings we've had in a while and I feel so much calmer and better about the situation right now
Thank you so much everyone!
My girlfriend (mtf, 21) and I (nb, 22) have has such a hard time since her bottom surgery.
We met when she was a year on hrt and our love story felt like a movie. I had never been in love before and the feelings hit me like a goddamn truck. It became obvious just a few weeks in that i had borderline personality disorder just because of how emotionally strongly i reacted to our relationship.
I've been trying to get therapy for 2 years now but the German health care system is completely overwhelmed ever since covid and it's been a huge fight to get help. It'll probably be another few months til I can finally get real therapy.
About 9 months into our relationship I had the realization that I didn't want her to have bottom surgery. I really wanted everything to stay the way it was, as i was happy for the first time like...ever? I wish I would've told her then but i felt like such an asshole for thinking that and hoped it would just go away.
When the call came that she would have surgery soon it felt like the start of a long nightmare for me. She was so happy, everyone was so excited for her, and she didn't even think about the possibility that it would be hard for me or that i might not want this. Obviously not! She did this for herself and I'm supposed to be a supportive partner that loves her no matter what.
I tried really hard to bury the feelings but as the date came closer i completely deteriorated. We tried talking but I had missed my window to just straight up say "i don't want this, thats why im freaking out so much." I tried to communicate my feelings to her as best i could but ended up hurting her and saying the wrong things because obviously she wants me to be on board!! She wants me to love her as she is and she wants me to love the person she is becoming.
I feel like such a horrible person for having these thoughts and feelings. I thought id love her no matter what! I took huge pride in being a really educated partner when it came to trans issues. I had friends who had horrible experiences while dating and i felt so good about myself for not being one of those horrible experiences. Now i HAVE become one of those horrible experiences.
I've tried to get to the bottom of why I'm having such a had time with this and this is what i've come up with so far:
- My own dysphoria. My own gender identity is a huge MESS. I think i also started loving her because when we met, hers was kind of as well. She had been out for a while but still hadn't really found her stride when it came to gender expression. I relate to that a lot and i loved that about her i think...Now she's a lot further along in her transition than I am and i think i feel abandoned and left behind.It doesn't feel like there's ever gonna be a way for me to be as visibly trans as her and I'm always gonna be perceived as a cis female.I feel like i'm never gonna understand the trans experience and am doomed to always watch from the outside because i can't have surgery like her.
- My sexuality is a huge HUGE mess as well.It feels like I feel differently everyday about wether i like women or men or both or neither.I always thought I'd know when i fell in love for the first time but here we are.I also experienced my fair share of trauma so there's also THAT blocking me from figuring it all out. When we met I thought i had finally figured out that i identified as a lesbian.
- I started really liking her dick... At first it was a little scary to me but then I started really really liking it. It's just so cute? It's like the cutest little thing and i absolutely fell in love with it. I liked making it happy and I liked looking at it and I liked how it made me perceive her.I feel like nobody understands wtf i'm talking about when i say that.
- I liked how she "looked nonbinary" when we met. I'm aware that doesn't really make sense but I'm trying to say that i liked how she looked kind of in-between genders in a polite way.I actually loved that about her. I worked really hard inside myself to perceive her as female when we met because i could tell my brain wasn't really there yet. Now after surgery i've realized that even though i tried so hard, i still kind of perceived her as not really female before surgery. I perceived her as...idek...non binary i guess? like a man but definitely not a man and that was what turned me on just thinking about her. Im terrified i liked her as a man the whole time and am just lying to myself about that. I'm terrified I'm a chaser. actually i think i might be a chaser. Just admitting that makes my cry so hard because i want to be a good person. And i want to be a good girlfriend and i want to not be a transphobic asshole that reduces her to her body but i think i might be.
Right after her surgery I was hospitalized by the nurses that cared for her because i was so unstable and that led to the worst psych ward experience i've had so far. Obviously that didn't help.
We've talked a lot since then and figured out a lot of stuff. I realized I was trying to make her conform to my idea of what kind of woman she was supposed to be and that my own dysphoria was a huge part of this all. But i still miss her dick.
Her vagina and I are just not becoming friends.
It's been over half a year and we tried having sex a few times and some were okay...but except for 2 times they always ended in tears because something happened, i said something wrong and/or did something wrong that made her feel really horrible which no WONDER with all the horrible feelings and thoughts insinde of me.
I feel SO alone. I feel SO fucked up. I feel SO evil. I don't know what to do.
I think i just really want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay and that what i feel is somehow normal.