r/polyamory

[David Glowie]

https://old.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1dljdel/girlfriend_lusts_for_boyfriend_but_not_me/

View attachment 6114994

Spoiler: Girlfriend lusts for boyfriend but not me?

Hi besties I’m in a triad and my girlfriend is asexual but told me she wants to have sex with our other partner but not me. Obviously I’m very hurt by this, what should I do? We have talked about how it made me feel but the hurt is still there, i have also talked to our other partner as well.

>my girlfriend is asexual

All 3 of them are troons, which is not surprising.

 

[Tanner Glass]

it was from a place of a rock solid foundation. (EDIT: I was the one suggesting it!)

Peak woman moment.

"Everything was great so I decided to fuck around with it."
"Update - IT'S COMPLETELY RUINED HOW DID IT HAPPEN"

 

[Throng of Titans]

Spoiler: asexuality sperging

Relating to all the posts about asexuality on the last page. Almost nobody is actually asexual (I don't doubt there are people with really low libidos who don't care for sex though), anyone who claims to be asexual is 100% not asexual. They're either autists with weird fetishes who are repulsed by normal sex and have decided that's being asexual, people who can't get any but don't want to feel or look bad about it, or people (almost always women) who rely on parasocial relationships trying to get simps off of their asses without explicitly denying them.

Thread Tax: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/...discovering_that_i_cant_be_out_as_practicing/
Woman (Presumably given they have a child) has to choose between fucking a bunch of other women post divorce, or getting child support from her ex husband. Truly a dilemma that normal, functional people can relate to.

Spoiler: text

Perhaps most important in my equation, when deciding to not be “out”, is my divorce agreement. My ex-husband and I wrote our mediation document ourselves, and it is largely trust-based. He was very generous in his child support and other things. The bad news is that it’s possibly all at stake if he disapproves of my life… which he sometimes does and it comes out as a tendency for him to shut down and deprive us of much needed parenting communication, and sometimes he withholds help in a way that I find petty, or damaging to our “family”. We live in the same small city. Our son is 6 years old and lives with each of us half the week. I currently can’t make it without his financial support. Any advice on how to stay sane and also secure?

Post about her new "Meta" https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/...experience_met_my_meta_q_navigating_possible/

Spoiler: text

My meta is beautiful. My heart is so full. She was welcoming, honest, helpful, considerate, and well-boundaried. She’s outgoing. She admitted all of her insecurities around us meeting and told me right away the ways in which I’d come across to her this far… Said she’d hoped I had returned her text earlier. (I had been very eager to meet her; I was just busy). She told me about her life, and asked about mine. She knew a lot because our shared partner / hinge tells her about me. Shared that she is protective of hinge and that she is feeling me out to understand whether I am using him/hinge for sex, essentially (I am not, but valid questions). She told me that our shared partner is sensitive and probably needs more communication than I am providing. Helped me to feel supported and encouraged in a slightly tough-love way. She made lots of efforts to accommodate my schedule. She also managed to fill in the blanks about topics I didn’t even realize that I was wondering about. We covered a lot of ground. I was getting a flirtatious vibe from her, but I didn’t feel compelled or seduced to the point of feeling weird. I did voice a concern / an insecurity around the two of them looking for me to join them both in bed. We moved on in conversation and she didn’t address it. I know it is true that they are looking for that and that’s fine but it scares me because I’ve never been with another woman before, and if we did have a threesome / foursome and then it wasn’t a good experience, I am afraid of losing my connection or even my whole relationship with shared partner / hinge. Is there a nice safe way to navigate this?

UPDATE 1 WEEK LATER: My meta and hinge had a threesome with another woman! I guess they really needed to get that out of their systems, huh? And then, I had a long date with hinge that was really connected and great. He is very chill, especially compared to Meta, and basically told me that we are still cool and confirmed that I was not simply being unicorn hunted, at least not by him, and confirmed that he enjoys our connection. He also told me that the amount of communication between us is totally fine, but encouraged me to say more if I want to. (typically I don't because I have less time) I thought it was comforting that he did not talk badly about meta, but was firm that the communication between him and I is most important to us. Feeling good. Game on. Oh, he did (appropriately) cringe a bit when I repeated meta's statement that she is very protective of hinge, and I playfully called her a loyal bulldog.

Honestly, I think the poor kid was fucked regardless given they were making posts like this a year ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/socialism/comments/10oejhr/socialistfriendly_childrens_media/

 

[Gingervitis]

Almost nobody is actually asexual (I don't doubt there are people with really low libidos who don't care for sex though), anyone who claims to be asexual is 100% not asexual. They're either autists with weird fetishes who are repulsed by normal sex and have decided that's being asexual, people who can't get any but don't want to feel or look bad about it, or people (almost always women) who rely on parasocial relationships trying to get simps off of their asses without explicitly denying them.

Don’t forget people whose libido has been fucked by medication. Genuinely, I’d go as far as to say they are the majority of “asexual” people are actually people whose medication cocktail is wrecking their libido.

 

[ItsaKnife]

Don’t forget people whose libido has been fucked by medication. Genuinely, I’d go as far as to say they are the majority of “asexual” people are actually people whose medication cocktail is wrecking their libido.

Or women who just aren't sexually attracted to their boyfriends, but for some God forsaken reason, assume they're asexual instead of dating someone they find attractive.

Woman (Presumably given they have a child) has to choose between fucking a bunch of other women post divorce, or getting child support from her ex husband. Truly a dilemma that normal, functional people can relate to.

I wonder if the real story is that she spends part of the support on her "metas" so the dad tells her he's not paying her to fuck women. It doesn't make sense that the dad would stop helping his child because the mom grosses him out.

 

[Maldavius Figtree]

And if she had fallen in love with her new boyfriend, she'd come up with all sorts of justifications and rationalizations. Peak woman behavior.

Nah man, I love me some good misogyny, but this is something else that transcends the sexes.

These people have taken the retarded stance that going against "normalcy" for the sake of going against it is some new virtue. Gaslight themselves into dumb fuckery and then cry when they're left holding the bag.

Somehow it always hits intellectuals. Many married couples with kids in my extended circles start doing this shit now, and it always are academics that „listened to some podcasts together“ or whatever and try to sell it as this stoic big brain move, like they’re actually the sane pragmatic ones.
It’s mind blowing, but I think the same cause that is behind /pol/ types being addicted to hate facts and red pills, the rush of „figuring it out“, something that society doesn’t get but you now do.

Rednecks just cheat, and I think that is way less psychologically damaging.

Thread Tax:

youre 100% spot on with your asexuality analysis. It’s also a preferred label by white hetero females, who are the most pandered to demographic on the planet, and so they need to find some label to get diversity/victim brownie points. Ace, pan, demi, or just good old unspecified queer…

 

[AMHOLIO]

Somehow it always hits intellectuals. Many married couples with kids in my extended circles start doing this shit now, and it always are academics that „listened to some podcasts together“ or whatever and try to sell it as this stoic big brain move, like they’re actually the sane pragmatic ones.
It’s mind blowing, but I think the same cause that is behind /pol/ types being addicted to hate facts and red pills, the rush of „figuring it out“, something that society doesn’t get but you now do.

Being smarter means you're better at fooling yourself and falling for scams since you can make justified arguments better to yourself. It's a common phenomenon that smart people fall into cults, & social cognitions like this aren't far off.

 

[Chudmaxxing]

Polyamory is tranny-sponsored glorified cheating

 

[The Taco Santo!]

Cults don't want stupid people, they want smart people. They're better workers and the cult can exploit them for far more gain.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

Cults don't want stupid people, they want smart people. They're better workers and the cult can exploit them for far more gain.

Cults also want gullible people who are looking for somewhere to belong. That's how they rope you in. Poly people may want to have their cake and eat it too, or want to be special but I also think it comes down to tribal signaling that they share the same values as the hedonistic out of touch elites that push this cultural slop garbage on the masses.

 

[DumbDude43]

https://old.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1dtevb8/i_23f_feel_like_i_have_too_many_8_partners_and/

Spoiler: text

I am a rather ambiverted person. I like talking to people a lot, but I also feel like I need my own time, especially depending on how intensive the social interaction is. I'm a recluse, and basically never manage to leave my home, but my social circles online are absurdly vast. Like, think of how many people you think I talk to, then double that. I have 25 people I usually talk to in DMs on a daily basis, and am active in around a dozen servers with dozens to hundreds of users.
I also catch feelings way, way too easily.
I'm currently at 8 partners. Some of these are triads. (Fake names) Me and Britney are, the both of us, dating Carly, Darcy and Emily. Then, I'm also dating Fabio, Gloria, and finally another triad with me, Herta and Ingrid. I am someone who is fantastic at giving out advice, genuinely not bragging, but who has only had relationship experience since roughly 3 years ago, when I kinda had a personal revolution.
Of these, 7 are long-distance relationships, and one is a relationship with a person with whom I spend months with and then months without, back to a long distance relationship.
With this amount of friends and people I regularly talk to, and now all these people I have come to love... I'm quickly finding myself at a loss for my time. Even without having work, basically being a NEET, I still find myself spending most of my time, daily, just replying to messages in various places, and trying to budget my time to spend with my partners without leaving anyone out for too long... but that feels like just avoiding the root of the problem.
I don't want to just start pruning relationships, because I do genuinely love all of them dearly, but... I don't know what else to do anymore. How do I work myself up to cutting connections with people whom I genuinely love talking to, and even worse, with people I'm in love with, but don't think I can afford to spend time with anymore, as my mental health which is already shaky at the best of times is deteriorating even more?
I can currently support all of them, I feel... the problem is that I'm burning myself up to do so.
What should I do?

talk about oversocialisation lmao

 

[Free the Pedos]

It's cathartic seeing the tables turned on these toxic women.

What do you mean? You know she isn’t the same person as all other poly women who betrayed their spouses…right?

 

[scathefire]

talk about oversocialisation lmao

And presumably not a single one of these people is someone she knows in real life and never even meets up with in real life? Christ.

 

[DumbDude43]

And presumably not a single one of these people is someone she knows in real life and never even meets up with in real life? Christ.

she says "Of these, 7 are long-distance relationships, and one is a relationship with a person with whom I spend months with and then months without, back to a long distance relationship"
so yeah 7 internet people and one who she apparently knew in person at some point, but now that one is back to online only too lol

 

[H3LLH4MM3R666]

Don’t forget people whose libido has been fucked by medication. Genuinely, I’d go as far as to say they are the majority of “asexual” people are actually people whose medication cocktail is wrecking their libido.

There's about 20 different reasons why normal people don't have sex. Half the population hasn't had sex in years. Many elderly people haven't done it in decades. It can be due to a dead libido, a lack of relationships, cultural or religous reasons, a lifestyle that doesn't grant the time or privacy, a fear of intimacy, trauma, medical issues, or the inability to get off with a partner due to body image issues or narcissism

There's people who literally cannot feel arousal because they're paralyzed from the waste down. Yet they still have sex because the fun comes from making their partner happy- that is it's own reward. And it's pretty common for women to have satisfying sexual encounters without experiencing an orgasm themselves, for the same reason! Some go their whole lives without ever orgasming.

But asexuals tend to have an extremely narrow view of sexual oriention that's formed by the media and pornography. In which the only reason anyone has sex is to get a brief dopamine rush. "Yeah I masturbate to porn and have sex with my partner regularly, but I'm still asexual because I'm not REALLY into it like some kind of horndog, you know? I only have sex to make my partner happy, and I'm aromantic because I find it a hassle to write poems and light candles every time like they do in movies and romance stories which are surely instructional manuals"

That, or asexuals don't want to admit to having very normal hangups or treatable trauma issues, because that would imply they can change. And change is the absolute most terrifying thing anyone can go through, sex is terrifying primarily because it represents change, having you constructed identity stripped away and having someone see you as the fleshy animal that you are. If you call your flaws your "identity", then it becomes bordeline evil to suggest improvement. And people (including incels) often chose to die miserable and alone rather than change. They'll even refuse other people's love if it means realizing that their self-loathing was their own poor judgement the whole time. They'd rather be a lonely genius than have someone who loves them tell them when they're being a dumbass

 

[The Judean People's Front]

And it's pretty common for women to have satisfying sexual encounters without experiencing an orgasm themselves, for the same reason! Some go their whole lives without ever orgasming.

Lol
Lmfao even

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

What do you mean? You know she isn’t the same person as all other poly women who betrayed their spouses…right?

"I'm not like the other girls", poly edition.

 

[Panzerfrau]

talk about oversocialisation lmao

I love how upon reading the title my first thought was "I bet it's a terminally online troon talking about his discord 'girlfriends'". Checked his profile and I was right, lol.

 

[David Glowie]

I love how upon reading the title my first thought was "I bet it's a terminally online troon talking about his discord 'girlfriends'". Checked his profile and I was right, lol.

Every time.

 

[ItsaKnife]

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/M1Qr5PVi0O

A poly story from a subreddit that compiles updates and OP's comments, which is also why the formatting is different. Story is way too damn long for me to bother adding screenshots to this post.

Spoiler: text here

My husband's open marriage suggestion backfired on him

[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/QXj3oHVbhX): June 26, 2024

My husband (Leo, 34m) and I (30f) have been together for 7 years, married for 4 of them. We don't have any kids and we don't intend to.

Two years ago, Leo asked me for an open marriage. I was devastated at the time. I couldn't understand why he didn't just want me. I couldn't even comprehend the idea of sharing him either. He gave me the same song and dance a lot of men give their spouses: swore up and down that he loved me, I just wasn't fulfilling his needs, he needed more than what I could give, it was just to spice up our life, it was just sex, etc etc.

I did ask if there was someone else. He said no. To this day, I'm still not sure if I believed him. But at the time, I was angry and hurt and said no. He pestered me to change my mind for a week before giving me an ultimatum: open marriage or divorce.

I chose the open marriage. I just couldn't bare the thought of him leaving me at the time. We have rules: we can't bring any partners home; we have to get tested for STD every 3 months; one weekend out of the month must be left free for "us time;" any money we spend on/with our partners must come from our personal accounts.

I didn't partake in the open marriage myself for the first three months. Leo obviously did right away. He seemed to be gone or out late almost all the time, but he always acted so happy and loving towards me while I felt like I was dying inside. It killed me to think he was sleeping with other women, and I felt so lonely and unattractive and not good enough.

I told my sister (Katy, 26f) and a few close friends everything. Katy told me to just "play his game" and be part of the open marriage too. If he can sleep around, so could I. I honestly didn't have much confidence in myself at the time. I'm a bit overweight and I've never considered myself "conventionally pretty." I was afraid this would just humiliate me further.

Katy and my best friend Jessie (30f) set up my online dating profiles for me. I got so many matches that it was overwhelming. When I told Leo, he was surprised, but told me to do whatever I thought was best. Jessie helped me choose my first date, and I actually had a great time. He didn't pressure me for sex and took me out to drinks and dinner. We did have sex eventually, but it was all just casual and we didn't see each other after a couple months of casual dating.

That first guy really made me feel more confident in myself. So I kept going on dates with men. A lot of them wanted to treat me, so I didn't have to spend much of my own money. Not only that, but some of the men have given me the best sex I've ever had in my life. Almost like the kind of sex you read in romance novels; it's been amazing.

I am currently seeing two different men, alongside Leo. One (Mark, 38m) is more of a steady boyfriend I've been with for about 6 months and the one (Steven, 25m) is very casual - mostly just hanging out and sex. They know about my open marriage/other relationships and are fine with it.

My husband has not been so lucky. In the beginning, he definitely was. He was always out and about and didn't seem to care even when I started dating too. But now he just complains a lot and hasn't been going out much. He whines about how he's usually the one spending money. A lot of the women he tries to be with want an emotional connection before sex. He often wants to be with younger women, but they want younger men. He's also been upset that I go out "with random guys" so often while he's at home alone all the time.

He hasn't asked to close the marriage yet, but I feel like he will soon. He keeps saying he misses "us" and wants to spend more time together. He tried to initiate sex a lot more too. He wants to go on dates and go on vacations and all that stuff more and more, and he gets upset when I tell him I can't because I've already scheduled to do stuff with my partners (mostly Mark).

Honestly, I don't think I love Leo anymore. I care about him, but I just don't love him. I'm not saying I love Mark or Steven, but I honestly feel closer to Mark nowadays than I do Leo. Mark makes me feel comfortable and safe, and I love spending time with him more than my own husband. Steven is funny and sweet and really good at sex.

Katy and Jessie have been wanting me to divorce for a year now, but I was afraid of hurting him and thought I still loved him. But I think my love for him died when he asked for this open marriage in the first place. Seeing him get all pissy about it now just because he's not benefitting from it is also a turn off for me too.

But I don't know if divorce is the best option. I still care about him and I still don't want to hurt him. Maybe if he finally asked to close the marriage, we can talk about it then.

Relevant Comments

BentBent12: Divorce. You’re happier without him. He would only want to close the marriage because he can’t get laid not that he only loves you.

> OOP: We've just been together for so long that the idea of him NOT being there feels weird. Which sounds stupid since I have two other partners so it's not like I'll be lonely. But Leo was a part of my life for so long that for him to not be there just doesn't feel right. But you're probably right.

OOP on her husband dismissing her feelings regarding the open marriage

> OOP: I really do think Leo does love me, in his own way. Even when he was more active in the open marriage, he still made time for me and still did a lot with him/for me. But you're probably right on the divorce.

Jpalm4545: Part of the issue is the main relationship is supposed to be the important one, so the whole 1 weekend a month for "us" time wasn't enough.

> OOP: I actually did argue that in the beginning, but he insisted that he needed to keep his weekends free. He did spend a lot of time at home during the weekdays, so in his mind, that made up for it.

OpportunityCalm6825: What if he finds evidence of your 'open marriage' and frames you as a cheater and then brings you to the cleaners? At this point, I wouldn't trust Leo. What you're experiencing is normalcy, you're used to his presence in your life. But how long are you going to live like this?

> OOP: Jessie had the same train of thought of you and actually took screen shots of his dating profiles during the beginning of the open marriage. She also told me to save screenshots of any texts we had about the open marriage. I don't think Leo would do that, but I also didn't think he'd ever ask for an open marriage, so what do I know?

[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/6bxkOgpmhb): July 3, 2024

Hi everyone. I got so many comments and messages on my last post (which got deleted for some reason) that I was a bit overwhelmed. Especially when a lot of you kept saying the same thing: divorce, divorce, divorce.

But, the thing is, I think a part of me does still loves my husband. I know in my last post that I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I can't just forget about the things that I do love. I love when he sings in the shower. I love when he laughs so hard, he snorts. I love when he kisses my forehead when I've had a bad day. I love when he holds my hand when he watch TV together. Leo has done a lot of shitty things, but he really isn't the big asshole people think. Maybe that was my fault.

But even if I do still love him, I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't think I have been for a while. I care about him, a part of me does still love him, but you all were right; I should have just divorced him when he gave me that ultimatum in the first place.

This past Saturday, we had "the big talk." I initiated it, but he didn't seem too surprised. I just told him that I noticed he didn't seem to like me going out with Mark or Steven and asked if there was a problem.

He said there was. But he didn't ask me to close the marriage. He just asked me if I still loved him. I said something like "not like I used to." He broke down crying, which made me cry. I guess he had known for a while that I wasn't in love anymore, but he had hoped he could win me back if he funneled all of his energy into me.

I was honest and told him that during those first three months of our open marriage, I think my love for him died and I just couldn't get it back. I did tell him that I still cared about him and that I did love him, but it's not the same as it was. He asked if I loved Mark or Steven, and I said no. I like being with them and I care about them a lot, but I can't say I'm in love with either of them.

I also finally asked him why he wanted the open marriage in the first place. A lot of you in the comments said he already had someone lined up and you were right. He had someone at work he was interested in and she wanted him too. The open marriage was just to get permission. He honestly never expected me to also get my own partners because of how unconfident I was, but he didn't want to stop me either because he thought nothing would come of it. He didn't really like me seeing other men, but he knew it wouldn't have been fair to tell me no when I gave him permission first.

I guess Mark and Steven made him insecure because I was spending so much time with them on a regular basis. The open marriage was just sex on the side for him; he only did hookups and they never lasted long. He genuinely always just loved only me. But he thought I was falling in love with my partners and he was losing me and wanted to win me back.

We cried a lot and talked a lot. We've decided to get a divorce. Since the house is in his name, I'm going to move out and live with Katy for a while. He told me I didn't have to and I could stay until the divorce was finalized, but I just can't. It's too hard to even look at him sometimes.

I don't know I feel, to be honest. I thought I would be relieved or sad, but I'm just tired. I wish I could have been like you all wanted me to be, clapping back or being sarcastic and snarky or rubbing it in his face, but I don't feel like I've won anything. I just feel lost.

Relevant Comments

Theunpolitical: I'm wondering if that maybe the other woman ended it so now he was back to what he was comfortable with: his wife? He went and had his fun and when that died out, he was not left with a wife waiting for him at home.

> OOP: He and his co-worker were only sleeping together for maybe a month. She fulfilled his kinks that I never liked indulging in. That's why he was with most of his partners, because I wasn't interested in his kinks.

> OOP: Thank you.
>
> Leo just thought the open marriage would be a way for him to get all of his kinks he couldn't do with me (because I wasn't into it). He knew how unconfident I was - which wasn't because of him, a lot of people seem to think that he eroded my self-esteem but he didn't (we can thank my mother for that, but that's a whole other can of worms) so he never expected me to partake in the open marriage either.

Environmental_Art591:

> so he never expected me to partake in the open marriage either.

So basically while he asked for a mutually open marriage he expected it to be only his side open and then got hurt that reality didn't meet his expectations.

> OOP: Leo admitted that he did only expected his side to be open. He was never going to stop me from opening my side, but like I said, he didn't think I would. Tbh, I don't think I would have either if it wasn't for Jessie and Katy pushing me and making profiles for me.

TL;DR: Man badgers wife for an "open relationship" which he thinks would just be his special hallpass because of his wife's mommy issues. Wife gets the self esteem fucked back into her by men she met online who are all better than the husband in both charisma and dick. She falls out of love. Marriage is over. Man cries. The end.